The Sterile Cuckoo (1969) - full transcript

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

Come Saturday morning

I'm goin' away with my friend

We'll Saturday-spend
'Til the end of the day

Just I and my friend

We'll travel for miles
in our Saturday smiles

And then we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

Come Saturday morning

You head for the east
or to the west



In saturday best
we will rest of the way

Just I and my friend

Wherever know where
the saturday goes

And so we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

(BUS APPROACHING)

Hi! Need a model?

Be a terrific guy anyway
and take my picture.

Little memory piece
for my old man.

Okay?

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Can I see it?

Mmm. Just a minute, huh?



"Common North American Insects."
Terrific!

Oh, grasshopper gills.

I knew a girl
who had a gill.

It grew out of her throat.

I don't know if it was
a grasshopper gill.

Anyway, she had it operated on
and the operation left

this little hole and every now
and again it would bleed,

so she had to wear
a scarf to school.

Sheila Carruthers.

She was a weirdo.

It's hard to think of that
as your average operation.

Boy, it's gonna be nice to get
away from all these weirdos.

It looks just like me.

You on the bus?

Yes.

You've you been
on it long?

Uh, yes.

(IN FAKE ACCENT)
How far are you going?

Uh, to Harrisonville.

To the college?

- Right.
- That's great!

I'm going to Winslow.
It's only 75 miles away.

Oh.

This is my first semester.
Is this your first semester?

- Yeah.
- Well, what do you know.

BUS DRIVER: All aboard.

Oh, well,
I gotta go now.

- Excuse me.
- Save me a place.

Save me a place.

I hope you'll like college.

Hi.

Excuse me, Sister.

Would you mind if I sat
where you're sitting?

You see, that's my...
Just a minute, Sister.

(SNEEZES)

Pardon me.
That's my brother.

That's my brother and I'd
like to be close to him.

Our mother just died
in Rhode Island.

He loved her
very much.

- Of course.
- Thank you.

Sister, these young people
should be together.

Excuse me.
Oh, I'm sorry, Sister.

I'm so sorry.

That's okay.

Small world, huh?

I'm a literature nut myself.

I mean, I read anything,
any time, any place.

What's your major? Bugs?

(CHUCKLES)

- Biology.
- Oh.

Why is that nun
looking at us like that?

I told her about
our mother.

Our mother?

You know, about our going to
bury her in Rhode Island.

Oh, don't worry about them.
Some people love it.

I mean, some people guzzle God
like he was a keg of beer.

What do you think we should
put on the tombstone?

We might as well think of some kind
of appropriate inscription.

I mean, after all,
we are gonna be together all day, right?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

You're a very
unusual person.

Not like those weirdos
back home, huh?

I think we should
pick something that relates

to a beautiful moment
in our mother's life.

- Are you hungry?
- Uh, no thank you.

I've got a thing here.

- You want some?
- Uh-uh.

Now, if I were to pick one beautiful
moment in our mother's life...

Don't say that.

I think it would
be the time

that our father comes in late and he's
swacked right down to his toes

and he staggers up the steps and he doesn't
even look in to check us out or anything,

he just heads right
for the old bedroom.

He hasn't changed
one thing in that bedroom.

Everything is just exactly the same,
all her personal stuff.

Are you sure you
don't want a cupcake?

- No, thanks.
- Okay, anyway...

We listened for him
to drop his shoes...

I mean, ordinarily,

you can hear a drunk
take off his shoes, right?

I mean, even though
we're nine-years-old

we knew that drunks
take off their shoes, right?

But this time we
don't hear a sound.

So we get up,

we ease ourselves
down the hall,

and we peer
into his room.

And there he is and he's down
on his knees in the closet.

And he's staring into
this little shoebox.

And he stares into that box
for the longest time.

Then finally
he reaches in.

And he takes something out,
he gets to his feet.

And he moves
across the room.

And you know
what he does?

You know what he does?

He starts spraying perfume all over
my mother's side of the bed.

Classy memory, huh?

I mean, women like that
always get big funerals, don't they?

You can't just dump her in, can you?
(CHUCKLES)

That's a great moment.

You know what
the trouble is?

The trouble is that probably
all the good things in life

take place in no more
than a minute.

I mean, all added up.

I bet you at the end of 70 years,
should you live so long,

you sit down,
you can figure it all out.

Spent 35 years sleeping.

Spent five years
going to the bathroom.

Spent 19 years doing some kind
of work you absolutely hated.

Spent 8,759 minutes
blinking your eyes.

And after that you got that
one minute of good things.

(SIGHS)

Then one day you wonder
whether your minute's up.

You'd rather talk about
bugs, wouldn't you? Okay.

Apis Mellifica.

That's short for bee, right?

Bees are cross-eyed.

Oh, my God!
There was this guy in high school,

George Alexander Meager...

Gee, it's been really
nice meeting you.

It's been wonderful.

Hey, whaddya know.
I forgot to give my father the picture.

Hey, my name's Pookie Adams.
What's yours?

Uh, Jerry Payne.

POOKIE:
Well, whaddya know!

Hi!

Hi.

POOKIE: Great spot
for a murder, huh?

Here, a little memento.

See you in Rhode Island!

(BOYS CLAMORING)

CHARLIE: Easy, man. There, there.
Really, just shake it up.

(LAUGHING)
Put it down, man!

It's gotta go all the way
up to the ceiling.

Put it over there on the desk.
Knock those out of the way.

Bless you,
dear little thing.

- Plug ear, out of the way.
- Jerry Payne.

Eddie Roe.
I'm across the hall.

- This is Charlie Schumacher.
- How you doin'?

- Are there any plugs around here?
- I think this is my room.

(CHUCKLES)

Want the top or the bottom,
or beer, whiskey or what?

(LAUGHS)

Hey, we're roomies, man.
We're living together.

Need a drink?

Hey, relax, relax!

Oops. I'm so...
What's this?

Is she friend or foe?

Uh, she's just a girl
I met on the bus.

Well, that's good.
This is your first contribution

to the old decor.

My stepmother used to say,

"When you get into a new place,
hang your pictures, Charlie!"

Yeah. Hey...

(BOYS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

The old village tavern, right?

Twenty-four hours service.
Beer, whiskey!

(SIGHS) All right.

Ask me if I
made out this summer.

Did you make out
this summer?

CHARLIE: Ask me nice.

Did you make out
this summer?

Uh, you ask me.

Did you make out this summer?
(CHARLIE CHUCKLES)

Did I make out this summer?
Are you kidding?

Why, little man, I have stories
that could curl your little tail.

I'll tell you.
(LAUGHS)

Hey, Payne!
You got company downstairs.

It's a girl.

- What?
- It's your dartboard.

JERRY: Oh my God!

What're you
doing in here?

You're not supposed to be in here,
especially in the mornings,

it's off limits
for women.

Surprised to see me?

Yeah, I guess
you could say that.

Yeah. Well, my school's
full of creeps,

and I had a free weekend
so I figured I'd come visit.

Hey! I brought you
a present!

How do you like the heap?
Not bad, huh?

- I bought it for 75 bucks. Oh!
- Look, I...

Couldn't you just
reach in through the window?

It's a regular cracker.
(CHUCKLES)

Beauty in motion.

- Regular crackerjack of a car.
- Look, I...

It's not exactly souped-up or anything,
but, it does have a little personality.

- Wait till you get inside.
- Could you listen?

I'm trying to tell you that
I have to work anyway.

(BOYS WHISTLING)

(BOYS CLAPPING)

Pornographic stuff.

I can see you've got your creeps
hanging from the rooftops.

I, uh, I can't
accept a gift...

- Go on.
- I really shouldn't...

Go on, open it.

Aw, go on, open it.

Do you like it?

It's a beetle.

I played poker
with Marcia Dorsky,

this mixed-up
sophomore I know,

and, uh, she's changing her major so
she was selling her bug collection.

And she lost the game
and she was short of cash

and I remembered that
you're a nut for bugs.

I don't understand.
I can't accept this.

This is far too rare
a specimen.

Well, you and I got along
fantastically on the bus

so I looked at my old
car and I thought,

"Burn rubber."

I mean, that's entitled
to a road test.

I thought I'd stick
around till tomorrow.

Do you know
a place I can stay?

It got real dull because it's impossible
to have conversations with weirdos.

So I played poker with Marcia
Dorsky and I won the beetle.

Two pair. Jack high.

Oh, so this is
where Lincoln died.

Gee, it's nice to know somebody's
keeping America beautiful.

No fraternizing
with the door closed.

I happen to be
his sister,

and our mother's just
died in Rhode Island.

So I can assure you we don't
have smut on our minds.

I'm terribly sorry.

You know, I really wish
you wouldn't do that.

Hey, I can see
your place from here.

Look, I don't mean
to be rude, but I really...

Oh, God!
Oh, God!

Nancy Putnam.
She's in my dorm.

Brother, you really get the cream of the
crap on the weekends, don't you!

I said I don't mean
to be rude, but I really...

You don't have
to pay for this room.

I know that.

You don't even have to stay
if you don't want to.

It's just like I said.
I just had to get away from the creeps,

and I figured if anyone
would understand that, you would.

Look, I'm not questioning your
right to get away from creeps

or whatever you want
to get away from, it's just...

And don't get me
wrong either,

'cause I really appreciate
the beetle.

It's a very
thoughtful gesture.

How do you say it again?
Glorious?

Uh, Gloriosa.
Melictus Polamus.

Melictus Polamus.

Yeah. They're not easy to come by either,
as a matter of fact.

Dominus, Ominous.
Melictus Polaminous.

Hey, how does a person develop an
interest in something like bugs anyway?

No, really,
I want to know.

Uh, well, I started out by dissecting
birds to see if they had filarial worms.

That simple, huh?

Oh, before I knew it,

anything to do with a crawling object just
caught my eye, you know.

Potato bugs,
grasshoppers, beetles...

What grabbed you
about grasshoppers?

You're putting me on
now, aren't you?

No, I'm not. I wanna know what
grabbed you about grasshoppers.

Well, three summers ago, uh,

I was looking for,
uh, mite larva,

which can be found
behind grasshopper gills.

Anyway, my brother and I
were on a trip...

How old is your brother?

- Thirty-one.
- Married?

- Yes.
- Kids?

- Two.
- You're an uncle!

- What does your father do?
- Uh, he's in real estate.

And your mother's
a housewife.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Well, whaddya know.

You know, you have a way of
changing the subject sometimes.

No, I don't.
You were talking about gills.

No, I was talking about mites and
I mentioned that mite larvae

can be found behind
grasshopper gills.

- Would you take me to dinner later?
- That's what I said.

I'll settle
for a sandwich.

Uh, I really think
that we should be going.

Adams in!

(GRUNTING)

JERRY:
Are you all right?

Hey, listen,
are you hurt?

Hey, are you okay?

Hey, listen are...
(SHRIEKS)

You really had me scared.
I don't think that's funny at all.

- You've got the ball!
- What?

- You've got the ball!
- Look, I don't...

(LAUGHING)

Come on, now. That's enough!
Will you cut it out!

Come on,
let go of me!

(SQUEALING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

JERRY: You're wacky,
you're absolutely wacky.

Yes.

Well, I'd stick around
for a midnight snack,

but I have to be back for
morning garbage cleanup.

Some stupid thing.

Well, drive carefully.

Okay. So long.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Maybe I'll see you
again sometime.

- So long.
- So long.

Telegram.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, I'm sorry.
I didn't know it'd be so crowded.

You'd figure on Sunday all the
weirdos would be in church.

Barbara Eisenberg.

She's very liberal.
I said she's very liberal.

I don't think there are
any seats in here.

She's always making
placards and things.

All the liberals wear
their shorts loose.

- Upshaw.
- What?

Helen Upshaw.
She used to be my roommate.

What do you mean
''used to be''?

She had a friend she wanted to be with
down the hall so she moved out.

- Hi, Helen.
- Oh, hi, Pookie.

This is my date,
Jerry Payne.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Jerry, this is Mark.

Hi, Mark.
Nice to meet you.

- That's Pookie.
- Hi.

We're gonna have a beer.

Oh, good.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Lillian Lerner.
Very emotional.

Cries all the time.
Wets her pants.

- What?
- She wets her pants.

I can't hear you,
I'm sorry.

- What?
- Huh?

(LAUGHS)

Nancy Putnam.

Oh.

She moved into my room
after Upshaw moved out.

Huh?

She moved into my room
after Upshaw moved out.

Oh, how is that
working out?

Well, she was only there
a couple of days.

She found a friend down at
the other end of the hall.

Oh.

BOY: Hey, Payne. Hey.
Hi. How are you?

Oh, hi, John.
How are you?

Hi, Nance.

Hi, Pookie.

- Who are you rooming with now?
- Huh?

- Who are you rooming with now?
- Nobody.

I like it like that.

I can play the radio all
night and keep the lights on.

That's how I like it.

Let's get out of here.

I can't stand so many hot-pantied
weirdos at one fell swoop.

What?

I said
hot-pantied weirdos!

POOKIE: Sometimes you have to
get away from the noise, you know?

I found it the first day
I was here.

Look at this.

"Bessie Rawlens.
Beloved daughter, 1804."

And, Jer...

Ebediah Rawlens.

''Take him unto
the heights of heaven.''

Great spot, huh?

Yeah.

Look at these over here.

This whole family must have gone together.
They all have the same name.

Must have been one of those mass-disaster
jobs, for blood or something.

And all the children.

George.

Mr. Simpson.

Zwillian.

Bessie. Ebediah.

George. William.

Jerry Payne.

Hello.

Hey, can you do this?

(SQUEAKING)

- What's that?
- Wait a minute.

(SQUEAKING)

It's supposed to be a fairy harp.
(CHUCKLES)

Try.

Just a piece of grass.

- Like this?
- You can use this...

- Do you have one?
- Yeah.

(SQUEAKING)

Have you been
to a lot of funerals?

I mean, is your
family all intact?

Uh, my father's uncle had a big funeral.
But that's about it.

Your family intact?

Except for my mother.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
I forgot.

One summer vacation
when I was 11-years-old,

I went through the want ads and I wrote
to every address that offered a brochure.

I nearly drove
the mailman crazy.

So I told him I had leukemia
and only six months to live

and that people from all over the world
were sending money and letters

to help pay
for the doctor bills.

You know, so my father
wouldn't be too strapped?

You told that
to the mailman?

You know what he did?

He cried.

He said he'd watched me
grow all these years

and he sat right down on the porch
swing and he bawled like a baby.

No kidding.

He's been hanging around
waiting for me to die!

For years he's been looking at
me as if it's my last delivery.

Every time I'm home, he pats my head
and smiles and go, "God'll fix you up."

It's like
a challenge to him.

I think I've kept him alive
waiting for me to die.

- How old were you?
- Eleven.

No, I mean,
when your mother died.

A minute.

A minute?

My first victim!

- Gee, I'm sorry.
- You're sorry? (SCOFFS)

Wow. I hear my father
nearly busted a gut.

He's still nuts
about her.

I mean, look, he travels around half
the country half the time anyway, right?

And all he does is look for women
that look like my mother.

He even tried to rape her
sister a couple of years ago.

(IN FAKE ACCENT)
My own aunt!

Mmm.

"God take Arabella."

You know, sometimes I really
believe in God.

Take a picture.

Okay.

Pookie, that's terrible!

No, it's not,
what do you mean?

Come on,
I'll take one of you afterwards.

We can see what
we'll look like as corpses.

God take Arabella.
God take Pookie. God take Jerry.

- Come on, get up.
- No, no.

Come on, get up!

Pookie: (LAUGHING)
Jerry: (GRUNTS)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

JERRY: The leaves
are beautiful.

POOKIE: Because
they're dying, huh?

I know your
house painter's name

and what his wife did to her cousin
on Memorial Day of 1958...

'59!

Let's see.
You love pitted grapes, you hate figs.

And a policeman in Kermit
Kansas named George Grisby

has a small mole
on his left shoulder.

You read them!
You read them all!

He read them!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

We're in number eight.

(DOG BARKS)

Jer...

Hey, Jerry...

What name did
you register under?

- Uh, Berkner.
- Mr. and Mrs.?

Uh-huh.

Jer...

It's colder in here
than it is outside.

Well, it's clandestine,
that's for sure.

This place certainly has
interesting workmanship.

This place must've been
built back in the 1920's.

He said something about the
heat not working too well.

I guess he figured
we'd bring our own, huh?

That sort of a dirty joke goes
along with a place like this.

(HEATER CLATTERING)

Hey, did you ever hear the one
about the two prostitutes

who go down to the Navy Yard
on Ground Hog Day...

Do you have
to be crass about it?

Crass?

Who's being crass?

I'm just trying to get
the show on the road.

(HEATER CLATTERING)

Jer...

You might as well
face it.

I mean, this is it.
We're here.

Your time is up.
You're a dead goose.

Tonight's the night, Henry!

Why do you have to take
all the romance out of it!

I'm not.

It's just that that stupid
thing's never gonna light

and I think the best thing we
can do is take off our clothes

and hop in
the old sackeroo.

This is such
a dumb room!

(EXHALES)

I'm sorry,
but the heater has me nervous.

Well, would you like
to peel the tomato?

What?

Would you like
to strip me?

Don't you think it's a
little cold for that?

No, I don't mind.
I sort of had it planned this way.

You can do it as
slowly as you like.

How do you do?
I'm Pookie Adams.

Oh...

(WATER RUNNING)

(CLATTERS)

(LAUGHS)

Sweater.

Uh, wait a minute.

(WHISTLING)

Blouse.

You have to pull.

Yeah.

Mmm...

Ta-da!

Gee, your body's
just beautiful, Pookie.

Really beautiful.

Better get my beautiful ass into this
beautiful bed before it freezes off!

Okay,
Valentino, hit it!

Jer?

Hmm?

Can you...

Thank you.

(GIGGLES)

Bad news, Speedy,
you forgot the lights.

(THUDDING)
Ow!

(WHISPERS)
Mr. and Mrs. Berkner.

Wonder if you'd have
a guy named like that?

Uh, what's the matter?

Nothing.

It's just that
everything's a little bit...

perfect.

And I...

Somehow or other

when everything's a little bit perfect
I just get a little bit nervous.

I mean, it can't last.

I love you, Pookie.

I love you.

POOKIE: Let's never
be weirdos, okay?

JERRY: Okay.

You shouldn't be looking
in people's mailboxes.

Why not?
Nobody will care.

Look at this guy.
He's popular.

Pookie, don't do that.

Hey, what do you want to bet
this is a love letter, Jer?

It's probably
just a bill.

No, it's not.
It's a love letter.

Look, it's pink.

Smell.

See? Smells just
like a mailbox.

Oh, my dearest darling.

Would you
do me a favor?

Would you write
me a love letter?

I mean, I know you've
written letters and everything...

But, would you write me
a real love letter?

You know,
mushing gushing.

Okay, if you want.

(MAIL BOX CLANGING)

My mother was
great at doing that.

Some of hers
were fantastic.

You should've
seen 'em.

I swiped one once
from my father's drawer

and made
a recording of it.

Gave it to him for a present
on one of my birthdays.

Did he like it?

Well, he...

He opened it up and he looked at
it and he asked me what it was

and I said,
"It's a surprise.

"Go on, put it on
the record player."

So he went
and he put it on.

And it played
and he listened.

And it played
and he listened.

He finally just whacked
the needle right off the record

and then he said,

"Don't you ever go through my
things again, Mary Anne."

(CHUCKLES)
Weird, huh?

I'm gonna write you
a love letter.

(BOYS SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

I love you, Pookie.

I love you, Pookie.

(TIRE SCREECHING)

(JEEP HONKS)

CHARLIE:
Hey, what're you doing?

JERRY: - What?
- What're you doing?

I'm just waiting
for a bus.

Come on!

(ALL CLAMORING)

(CONTINUE CLAMORING)

Okay, I'm coming.
(JEEP HONKS)

Wait, I'm coming!
CHARLIE: Come on, my dear.

Open that can of beer
immediately.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(BOYS SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

So long, Jerry.

You awake?

The last survivor.

Well, who'd you like to really
get in the sheets with tonight?

May or
September, hmm?

They're all all right,
I guess.

(SIGHS)

So what're you
doing for Christmas?

You gonna go home,
see your folks?

JERRY: Yeah.

Aw, well...

JERRY: Hmm?

Oh, I got a really
fantastic idea.

You really ought to
learn to ski, huh?

I can teach you to
ski in a week.

Teach you everything
you want to know.

Fundamentals.
I'll have you flying in a week.

I got too much
work to do.

You can work up there!

And give the old dude a little
help in a couple of subjects.

Are you in trouble?

What'd your old man say
if you flunked out?

(CHUCKLES)

You know what my
old man would say?

He'd say,

"Thanks a lot, Charlie."

(CHARLIE CHUCKLES)

POOKIE: That's just great!
That's just so great for your reputation!

JERRY: - What?
- All of a sudden

you're running off to the hills
with some muscle-bound fairy.

What're you
talking about?

Since when are you taking time
out to be with the boys?

Why do you have to
make it sound so stupid?

Guys like to
be together sometimes.

I mean, if you wanted to spend
some time with your girlfriends,

I'd be the first
to understand.

Don't make me sound
like some kind of a perv!

Charlie Schoonover
is not a pervert.

He happens to be a little thick
in physics, that's all.

Uh-huh.

I don't know how to ski.
He just offered a little tit for tat.

Well, that sounds dirty
right off the bat.

- Cut it out, Pookie.
- Oh, come on.

When one man looks
at another man

and says, "How about
a little tit for tat?"

I said cut it out!

Don't you know they have
a secret language?

You go on. You ask him if he has
a pair of alligator shoes.

I'll lay you five to one he'll jump
right on your bones.

Listen, I'm spending one
week with Charlie Schoonover

and one week with my
family and that's that!

What about me?

I thought you
were going home.

Well, you never even
asked me if I was.

I just assumed you were.
Where else would you go?

I don't know.
I haven't made up my mind.

What'll you do
if you don't go home?

Wonder how my boyfriend's
making out in the mountains.

That's not even amusing.

Maybe I'll go somewhere and get a job,
earn a little extra money.

I mean, it's not as if we made a date
to spend Christmas together.

I went home for Thanksgiving,
didn't I?

Yeah, thanks for
asking me to join you.

We've been
all through that.

You said you were
going home.

How am I supposed to know that
you're gonna change your mind

and eat dinner at
some hot dog stand.

What do you mean you're gonna
need a little extra money?

Are you broke?

No, I'm just gonna need
a little extra money, that's all.

For what?
A new joke book?

No.

A bassinet.

What?

That's right.

- Now don't do that to me, Pookie.
- You did it to me!

- That's not funny.
- Right again.

I thought you said you
knew how to handle that.

Well, I goofed.
Half the world's a bunch of goofs.

Are you sure?
Have you seen a doctor?

I know what
you're thinking.

Pookie, have you
seen a doctor?

Pookie's got big feet
and a long nose

and an excruciatingly
weird body!

Pookie, will you
please be serious?

Well, you...

You don't have to be the father
of some ugly monster!

I mean, my mother
is reputed to have been

a fantastic beauty
in her time

and my father's turned
a few heads, too.

So you can just relax
on that score!

Have you seen a doctor?

You don't even have to
admit to being the father.

I'm not denying anything!

I just wanted to know
if you've seen a doctor.

But you are!
I want you to know that.

I want you to know that no other
person could possibly be!

- Do you know what that means?
- Will you please...

Will you please
settle down?

But, if you want to, you can forget
that you ever even knew me.

That I do want you
to understand.

It's a free country.

I'll just plead
immaculate conception.

Have you seen a doctor?

No.

Then I think you should
see one right away.

No.

Why not,
for God's sake?

Because I've got
a much better idea.

You go up to the snow
with your queer

and I'll go home
and see a doctor.

And that way I can talk
to my father about it.

You gonna tell him?

I don't know.
Do you think I should?

I don't know.

That's up to you
to decide.

I'll marry you,
of course.

You don't have to.

Yes, I do.

I mean...
I mean, I want to.

I want you
to know that.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless there's someone
we could see about...

No! I would never
do that.

I would never ever
do a thing like that.

I'm sorry, okay? I wasn't...
I wasn't thinking.

I will marry you though.

Look, we'll take our
vacations, all right?

No, I'm gonna
change my plans.

No, we'll take
our vacations.

And then, when we get back
we can see where we stand.

How we feel and what
we want to do about it.

I had a friend called Elsie Cantonie,
got it from a Jewish lifeguard.

And she ended up
in a convent.

But she wanted it that way.
She's happy.

I know what you're
thinking about.

You're thinking about
the first day on the bus

and how if the nun
hadn't given me the seat,

you wouldn't be here
right now.

Well, I bet you that nun
would be really happy

if she knew she could create a
child just by changing her seat.

I'm right, aren't I?

You are thinking
about that, aren't you?

No.

What're you
thinking about?

Me.

(WIND BLOWS)

(DOOR RATTLING)

CHARLIE: Did you ever
make it with that girl?

Not necessarily.

(LAUGHING)

How many girls you figure you
made it with in your time?

(SCOFFS)

I don't know.

How many do you
figure I have?

I don't know.

Take a guess.

Twelve.

(LAUGHING)

Guess again.

Twenty-five?

(LAUGHING)

Do you want me to
tell you now?

If you want.

Two thousand.

(SIGHS)

Hmm. I'll bet that you and me are the
only two guys in the whole dorm

that have never been laid.

(BUS APPROACHING)

(GIRLS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

- Hi!
- Hi!

I was afraid you wouldn't
be able to make it.

Well, we had a date,
didn't we?

How are you?

Just fine.
How are you?

Fine. Boy,
you look terrific!

Thank you.

How was your friend?
Did you learn how to ski?

Uh, no. As a matter of fact I
turned my ankle first day out.

You're kidding.

- How's your father?
- Fine.

Went home and saw him.
You know, we had a...

A lunch together.

Big old sandwich.
Ham and cheese on rye with potato salad.

The waitress who served us
was Evelyn Korbon,

who our Senior Class voted
"Most likely to travel abroad."

Oh, yeah?

How's your family?
Bet they were glad to see you, huh?

Yeah.

Did you tell 'em
about me?

Sure.

I told my father
all about you.

How's...
How's the baby?

It went away.

Women are always having
reversals in that area.

- Relieved, huh, Jer?
- Yeah.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

How do you
feel about it?

Fine.

Did you ever
get to a doctor?

What for?

Well, you were pregnant.

Well, did you lose it,
or was it a false alarm?

Jer, I don't know if I was preg.
(CHUCKLES)

I mean, I threw up
in the bus, didn't I?

But you didn't go
to a doctor.

Why are you
getting upset?

I'm not upset.

You are.

I just wanted to know
how you felt about it.

I can't tell you
how I felt about it.

I loved it.

I loved
every minute of it.

It took me home,
it took me downtown,

it took me right through
Trepton's Department Store.

It took me right past
Janet Young and Floyd Petersen.

It let me have lunch
with my father.

It let me order ham and cheese
from Evelyn Korbon.

That's how
I felt about it.

It took me.

It made me something.

And I loved it.

Whether it was there or not,
I believed it.

And I'm sorry
that it went away.

You're gonna be a weirdo soon,
aren't you?

Oh, Pook.

Don't go away, okay?

Pookie...

Maybe they aren't...
They aren't all so bad.

Maybe everybody is just a
little cautious of everybody.

You're really
wrong as rain.

I know.
I grew up with them.

They're all a bunch
of rotten eggs.

Why can't you
give 'em a chance?

What do you mean?

Pookie, there's this
dumb weekend coming up.

House party weekend.

It's supposed to be one of the major
events of the year or something.

Pookie, I want us to go.
It's time for us to.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(POOKIE LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- I'm gonna be sick...
- Oh, no, no!

Come on.

Let's do some... Let's do some
breathing exercises.

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

King of the Creep
on ice he is! (LAUGHING)

(GIBBERISH)
(LAUGHING)

Old chicken breast...
(BOTH LAUGHING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

POOKIE: Oh!
(CHARLIE MOOING)

Pook: Big bull.
(CHARLIE MOOING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Great big fat bull!

Bully for you,
chicken!

Let's, let's snow
on the plebeians!

- The what?
- The plebeians.

(SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

(POOKIE LAUGHING)

(POOKIE AND CHARLIE LAUGHING)

(SINGING STOPS)

POOKIE: Let's snow
on the plebeians!

- The plebleians?
- The plebeians!

Whoo!

(POOKIE YELLING)

Here she comes,
the high priestess of the plebeians.

POOKIE:
Plebeians. Ole, ole!

ANTOINETTE: God.

Antoinette.

Antoinette Green!

Antoinette Green!
(LAUGHING)

What God has not given
Antoinette Green,

Antoinette Green
has had done!

(LAUGHING)

Would you like to know

Antoinette's Greens
real measurements, weirdos?

Twenty-eight, thirty,
forty-one!

(LAUGHING)

Jenny Wallace! Nose job.

A bad one.
Fifty bucks, a cheapie.

CHARLIE:
Come on now, don't...

POOKIE: Helen Upshaw's
going bald!

CHARLIE: Hey!

Lillian Lerner's dentures!

Watch out, my lads,
she'll snap you to death!

Lay off.

Snap, snap, snap,
snap, snap, snap.

- Come on, relax.
- What?

I think you'd better
get off of me.

The biggest phony
of all them

lies up there somewhere
in that floating mass.

Nancy Putnam!

Ninety percent of Nancy
Putnam's body is by Dupont.

- Hey, look...
- Fiberglass Du Pont.

- Fiberglass brain.
- Hey, cut it out.

- Fiberglass smile!
- Just get down, will ya.

Wait a minute.

What about this big bull upon
whose shoulders I sit?

Maybe he's the biggest
deceiver of them all.

Maybe he's
not even a bull.

Maybe he's just
a glad ole cow.

CHARLIE:
Oh, shut up, will ya!

"Moo," says this giant cow

who lures young men into the
wilderness as a fairy lures...

Shut up!

You shut up!

(POOKIE GRUNTS)

(BELL TOLLING)

JERRY: Hello, uh, could I speak to
Pookie Adams, please?

Jerry? Hi.

Hi.

- How are you?
- Just fine.

You sound terrific.

Your voice sounds really great.
How are you?

Just fine.

Hey, did you get my letter?
I'm a terrific artist, huh?

You still mad at me?

No, I'm not mad.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Oh, good.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I know I was bad.
I'm really sorry.

You know what
I was gonna do?

You won't believe this.

I was gonna take an ad
out in your school paper

saying something
to the effect of,

"Miss Pookie Adams is
terrifically sorry

"for acting like a
weirdo at the Phi..."

No, don't do that, Pookie.
Pookie, don't do that.

Oh, Jer, I wasn't going to do that.
Don't you know me by now?

Don't you know
when I'm kidding?

But I am sorry.

Yeah, I know you are, Pook.
No, I'm not mad at you. Promise.

Double promise?

Double promise.

Oh, Jer, I love you!

I love you.

I love you, Pookie.

Well, you sound funny.

Like you want
to say something.

You are mad at me,
aren't you?

No, Pook, I'm not mad at you.
It's just...

Uh, I have to talk to you
about Easter vacation.

Well, we're going,
aren't we?

I mean, you promised to
take me, remember?

Yeah, I know I did.

I'm not gonna embarrass you in
front of your parents or anything.

- Scout's honor I won't.
- Pookie...

I'm not going home
for Easter vacation.

I, uh... I got some notices
of flunk warnings and...

Well, I've decided to stay here at
the dorm over Easter and work.

I mean, they close up the house
and I'll have it all to myself.

Boy, you are mad at me,
aren't you?

Pook, I'm not
mad at you.

I got... I got flunk warnings in
English and Philosophy...

Listen, you won't believe what
I've been doing this week.

You know, I've really been making
a terrific effort to be friends

with some of the weirdos
around here. I mean...

Pookie, listen...

I even apologized to Helen...
Helen Upshaw.

Listen to me.

And I told Lillian Lerner
that I didn't know that

she wore dentures.

That it was just an
accident and a coincidence.

I don't even remember
saying about dumb Helen.

- Will you listen! Please!
- I mean...

Just give me another
chance, okay?

It has nothing to do
with another chance.

It has to do with my
academic standing.

It has to do with whether I
flunk out of school or not.

It has to do with me.
Not us, but me.

And I'm not going home
for Easter vacation.

And it's not because I'm mad at you.
Do you understand that?

Pookie, are you listening?

I've got a fantastic idea.

I'm gonna...
I'll come up there and be with you.

What?

During the vacation.
I'll just whirl right on up to the dorm.

It'll be great.
Like you said, nobody will be there

and we'll have the whole
place to ourselves.

And I can cook for you.

And I'll make the bed
and everything.

I'll keep the Avon lady
off your back.

No, Pook.

But I think it'll be really
good for us, you know?

Nobody will be there
and it'll be like living together.

Like we're man and wife.

Pookie, don't you understand?
My head is on the block.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
But you can still study.

I mean...

I can amuse myself.

God, I'm the all-time self-amuser,
remember me?

Pookie, it's just not
a good idea.

Jer, what do you mean
it's not a good idea?

I think it's
a fantastic idea.

Pookie, it won't work.

I've got too much
work to do.

You'd better plan
on visiting your dad.

I have no intention
of visiting my...

I don't call him my dad,
I call him my father!

And as for your head
being on the block,

well, maybe everybody's
head's on the block.

Did you ever
think about that?

I mean, maybe everybody's
in a little bit of trouble.

Did you ever think
about that, Jerry?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Will you get out of here,
you goony virgin!

I mean, look, Jer...

A whole campus
to ourselves.

I mean,
don't we owe it?

I mean, all the time that
we've spent together?

Don't you think
that we owe it?

Jer... (CRIES)
I don't want to go home!

He won't be there.

He won't be there.
He wasn't there Christmas.

I didn't even have
a sandwich with him.

Please.

I just don't want to go back and
hang around there, you know.

Jer?

Jerry?

All right, Pookie.

It'll be terrific!
(CHUCKLES)

You wait and see!

- Listen, I have to go now.
- Okay.

Okay, I'll see you then.

Bye.

(LINE CLICKS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(PAPER RUSTLING)

What do you know.

It's only eight weeks till summer vacation.

I guess some people
are planning already, huh?

I guess so.

Oh, God. I used to
hate those vacations.

If he didn't ship me
off to my grandmother's

he'd store me off in
some summer camp.

Talk about your weirdos.

If you wanted to catch
every creep in the world,

all you had to do was
wait till summer

and drop your net over
Camp Arak-Arak-Aranna.

Just think, Jer.
Three months without a weirdo.

(PENCIL SCRATCHING)

(ECHOING) Jerry Payne
is a rotten egg!

I hope you pass everything.

JERRY: Thanks.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

Uh, Pookie?

I've been thinking and...

Well, I wonder if maybe seeing so much of
each other is really such a good thing.

What I mean is,

maybe we should stay apart from
each other for a little while.

Say four or five weeks.

I mean, sometimes a separation
like that can be good for people.

You know, it'll give us both
a chance to settle back into school.

I mean, the odds are after
a month like that...

A month's separation,
it's...

Well...

We'll really get to
appreciate each other

and get a better
perspective on each other.

I mean, odds are...

After a separation like that
we'll be just dying to see each other.

Odds are.

You understand
what I mean?

Uh...

Well...

I'll see you then in about a month's time.
I'll give you a call, okay?

Bye, Jer.

(CAR HONKS)

(INDISTINCT TALK)

(JEEP HONKS)

Hey.

- Hello?
- GIRL: Hello.

May I speak to
Pookie Adams, please?

I'm sorry,
she's not here.

Well, may I
leave a message?

I can switch you to the
Administration office.

No, she's a student
there in the house.

She's not here anymore.

You mean she's in
another house?

No, she's left school.

- She left?
- Yes, sir.

The school?

Uh, I'm talking about Mary Anne Adams.
They call her Pookie.

Yes, Pookie Adams.
She left school.

Well, did she leave
a forwarding address?

- I don't believe she left...
- Did she go home?

I don't know, sir.

Well, somebody must
know where she is.

Maybe if you talked to the
Administration office they can help you.

Thank you.

(LINE CLICKS)

(NANCY SINGING)

(PEOPLE TALKING
INDISTINCTLY)

(INDISTINCT TALK)

- Hi, Jerry.
- Hi, Mel.

You know everybody,
don't you?

Here.

Hi, Nancy.

Hi, Jerry.
How are you?

Just fine.
How are you?

I've been meaning to call you,
as a matter of fact.

I wondered if, uh,
you'd heard anything about Pookie.

Well, I don't know if
I can help you much.

We weren't the best
of friends.

Yeah, I just wondered if
somebody had, you know,

heard something.

All I know is that
the Administration did try

and get in touch
with her father.

Well, so did I.
But, uh, he wasn't there.

I even wrote,
but I never got an answer.

(PLAYING)

(NANCY HUMS)

Alas my love
you do me wrong

To cast me out
discourteously

(BURPING)

(SIGHS)

(CLATTERS)

(LINE RINGING)

WOMAN: Hello?

Yes, I'm sorry to
bother you this late,

but do you have a Miss Adams
registered there?

Adams? No. No Adams.

I'm sorry.

I thought I saw someone
I recognized in the upstairs front window.

No Adams. Sorry.

Upstairs front
has a Berkner.

Thank you.

POOKIE: Hi, Jer.

I knew you'd figure it out.

I don't understand, Pookie.

You don't understand.

Why are you here?

What are you
planning to do?

I went to Boston.

I felt sick
in Boston.

And then
the car broke down.

It just wouldn't
run anymore.

I didn't know where else to go,
so I came here.

Real surprise, huh?

What do you want to do?

(SOBBING)

I don't know.
What do you think that I should do?

I don't know.

Maybe you should
go home.

Your father might
be back by now.

- Yeah.
- I tried to contact him.

Yeah.

Pookie, have you slept?

(SIGHS)

I guess I've been
here about a week.

Why don't you try to
get some sleep?

I'll stay here
with you.

And later on, we...
(SNIFFLES)

We'll decide
what to do.

Okay.

You're gonna send
me back home, aren't you?

You're gonna send me
back to that mailman, aren't you?

Twice I've seen you
from the window.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

Come Saturday morning

I'm goin' away with my friend

Well Saturday-spend 'til
the end of the day

Just I and my friend

The secrets to tell
in our Saturday spent

And then we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

Just I and my friend

Is nobody there in
a saturday free

And then we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

(BUS APPROACHING)

Just I and my friend

Wherever knows
our Saturday goes

And so we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

Subtitles: Kilo