The Sterile Cuckoo (1969) Movie Script

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

Come Saturday morning

I'm goin' away with my friend

We'll Saturday-spend

'Til the end of the day

Just I and my friend

We'll travel for miles

in our Saturday smiles

And then we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

Come Saturday morning

You head for the east

or to the west

In saturday best

we will rest of the way

Just I and my friend

Wherever know where

the saturday goes

And so we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

(BUS APPROACHING)

Hi! Need a model?

Be a terrific guy anyway

and take my picture.

Little memory piece

for my old man.

Okay?

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Can I see it?

Mmm. Just a minute, huh?

"Common North American Insects."

Terrific!

Oh, grasshopper gills.

I knew a girl

who had a gill.

It grew out of her throat.

I don't know if it was

a grasshopper gill.

Anyway, she had it operated on

and the operation left

this little hole and every now

and again it would bleed,

so she had to wear

a scarf to school.

Sheila Carruthers.

She was a weirdo.

It's hard to think of that

as your average operation.

Boy, it's gonna be nice to get

away from all these weirdos.

It looks just like me.

You on the bus?

Yes.

You've you been

on it long?

Uh, yes.

(IN FAKE ACCENT)

How far are you going?

Uh, to Harrisonville.

To the college?

- Right.

- That's great!

I'm going to Winslow.

It's only 75 miles away.

Oh.

This is my first semester.

Is this your first semester?

- Yeah.

- Well, what do you know.

BUS DRIVER: All aboard.

Oh, well,

I gotta go now.

- Excuse me.

- Save me a place.

Save me a place.

I hope you'll like college.

Hi.

Excuse me, Sister.

Would you mind if I sat

where you're sitting?

You see, that's my...

Just a minute, Sister.

(SNEEZES)

Pardon me.

That's my brother.

That's my brother and I'd

like to be close to him.

Our mother just died

in Rhode Island.

He loved her

very much.

- Of course.

- Thank you.

Sister, these young people

should be together.

Excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sister.

I'm so sorry.

That's okay.

Small world, huh?

I'm a literature nut myself.

I mean, I read anything,

any time, any place.

What's your major? Bugs?

(CHUCKLES)

- Biology.

- Oh.

Why is that nun

looking at us like that?

I told her about

our mother.

Our mother?

You know, about our going to

bury her in Rhode Island.

Oh, don't worry about them.

Some people love it.

I mean, some people guzzle God

like he was a keg of beer.

What do you think we should

put on the tombstone?

We might as well think of some kind

of appropriate inscription.

I mean, after all,

we are gonna be together all day, right?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

You're a very

unusual person.

Not like those weirdos

back home, huh?

I think we should

pick something that relates

to a beautiful moment

in our mother's life.

- Are you hungry?

- Uh, no thank you.

I've got a thing here.

- You want some?

- Uh-uh.

Now, if I were to pick one beautiful

moment in our mother's life...

Don't say that.

I think it would

be the time

that our father comes in late and he's

swacked right down to his toes

and he staggers up the steps and he doesn't

even look in to check us out or anything,

he just heads right

for the old bedroom.

He hasn't changed

one thing in that bedroom.

Everything is just exactly the same,

all her personal stuff.

Are you sure you

don't want a cupcake?

- No, thanks.

- Okay, anyway...

We listened for him

to drop his shoes...

I mean, ordinarily,

you can hear a drunk

take off his shoes, right?

I mean, even though

we're nine-years-old

we knew that drunks

take off their shoes, right?

But this time we

don't hear a sound.

So we get up,

we ease ourselves

down the hall,

and we peer

into his room.

And there he is and he's down

on his knees in the closet.

And he's staring into

this little shoebox.

And he stares into that box

for the longest time.

Then finally

he reaches in.

And he takes something out,

he gets to his feet.

And he moves

across the room.

And you know

what he does?

You know what he does?

He starts spraying perfume all over

my mother's side of the bed.

Classy memory, huh?

I mean, women like that

always get big funerals, don't they?

You can't just dump her in, can you?

(CHUCKLES)

That's a great moment.

You know what

the trouble is?

The trouble is that probably

all the good things in life

take place in no more

than a minute.

I mean, all added up.

I bet you at the end of 70 years,

should you live so long,

you sit down,

you can figure it all out.

Spent 35 years sleeping.

Spent five years

going to the bathroom.

Spent 19 years doing some kind

of work you absolutely hated.

Spent 8,759 minutes

blinking your eyes.

And after that you got that

one minute of good things.

(SIGHS)

Then one day you wonder

whether your minute's up.

You'd rather talk about

bugs, wouldn't you? Okay.

Apis Mellifica.

That's short for bee, right?

Bees are cross-eyed.

Oh, my God!

There was this guy in high school,

George Alexander Meager...

Gee, it's been really

nice meeting you.

It's been wonderful.

Hey, whaddya know.

I forgot to give my father the picture.

Hey, my name's Pookie Adams.

What's yours?

Uh, Jerry Payne.

POOKIE:

Well, whaddya know!

Hi!

Hi.

POOKIE: Great spot

for a murder, huh?

Here, a little memento.

See you in Rhode Island!

(BOYS CLAMORING)

CHARLIE: Easy, man. There, there.

Really, just shake it up.

(LAUGHING)

Put it down, man!

It's gotta go all the way

up to the ceiling.

Put it over there on the desk.

Knock those out of the way.

Bless you,

dear little thing.

- Plug ear, out of the way.

- Jerry Payne.

Eddie Roe.

I'm across the hall.

- This is Charlie Schumacher.

- How you doin'?

- Are there any plugs around here?

- I think this is my room.

(CHUCKLES)

Want the top or the bottom,

or beer, whiskey or what?

(LAUGHS)

Hey, we're roomies, man.

We're living together.

Need a drink?

Hey, relax, relax!

Oops. I'm so...

What's this?

Is she friend or foe?

Uh, she's just a girl

I met on the bus.

Well, that's good.

This is your first contribution

to the old decor.

My stepmother used to say,

"When you get into a new place,

hang your pictures, Charlie!"

Yeah. Hey...

(BOYS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

The old village tavern, right?

Twenty-four hours service.

Beer, whiskey!

(SIGHS) All right.

Ask me if I

made out this summer.

Did you make out

this summer?

CHARLIE: Ask me nice.

Did you make out

this summer?

Uh, you ask me.

Did you make out this summer?

(CHARLIE CHUCKLES)

Did I make out this summer?

Are you kidding?

Why, little man, I have stories

that could curl your little tail.

I'll tell you.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, Payne!

You got company downstairs.

It's a girl.

- What?

- It's your dartboard.

JERRY: Oh my God!

What're you

doing in here?

You're not supposed to be in here,

especially in the mornings,

it's off limits

for women.

Surprised to see me?

Yeah, I guess

you could say that.

Yeah. Well, my school's

full of creeps,

and I had a free weekend

so I figured I'd come visit.

Hey! I brought you

a present!

How do you like the heap?

Not bad, huh?

- I bought it for 75 bucks. Oh!

- Look, I...

Couldn't you just

reach in through the window?

It's a regular cracker.

(CHUCKLES)

Beauty in motion.

- Regular crackerjack of a car.

- Look, I...

It's not exactly souped-up or anything,

but, it does have a little personality.

- Wait till you get inside.

- Could you listen?

I'm trying to tell you that

I have to work anyway.

(BOYS WHISTLING)

(BOYS CLAPPING)

Pornographic stuff.

I can see you've got your creeps

hanging from the rooftops.

I, uh, I can't

accept a gift...

- Go on.

- I really shouldn't...

Go on, open it.

Aw, go on, open it.

Do you like it?

It's a beetle.

I played poker

with Marcia Dorsky,

this mixed-up

sophomore I know,

and, uh, she's changing her major so

she was selling her bug collection.

And she lost the game

and she was short of cash

and I remembered that

you're a nut for bugs.

I don't understand.

I can't accept this.

This is far too rare

a specimen.

Well, you and I got along

fantastically on the bus

so I looked at my old

car and I thought,

"Burn rubber."

I mean, that's entitled

to a road test.

I thought I'd stick

around till tomorrow.

Do you know

a place I can stay?

It got real dull because it's impossible

to have conversations with weirdos.

So I played poker with Marcia

Dorsky and I won the beetle.

Two pair. Jack high.

Oh, so this is

where Lincoln died.

Gee, it's nice to know somebody's

keeping America beautiful.

No fraternizing

with the door closed.

I happen to be

his sister,

and our mother's just

died in Rhode Island.

So I can assure you we don't

have smut on our minds.

I'm terribly sorry.

You know, I really wish

you wouldn't do that.

Hey, I can see

your place from here.

Look, I don't mean

to be rude, but I really...

Oh, God!

Nancy Putnam.

She's in my dorm.

Brother, you really get the cream of the

crap on the weekends, don't you!

I said I don't mean

to be rude, but I really...

You don't have

to pay for this room.

I know that.

You don't even have to stay

if you don't want to.

It's just like I said.

I just had to get away from the creeps,

and I figured if anyone

would understand that, you would.

Look, I'm not questioning your

right to get away from creeps

or whatever you want

to get away from, it's just...

And don't get me

wrong either,

'cause I really appreciate

the beetle.

It's a very

thoughtful gesture.

How do you say it again?

Glorious?

Uh, Gloriosa.

Melictus Polamus.

Yeah. They're not easy to come by either,

as a matter of fact.

Dominus, Ominous.

Melictus Polaminous.

Hey, how does a person develop an

interest in something like bugs anyway?

No, really,

I want to know.

Uh, well, I started out by dissecting

birds to see if they had filarial worms.

That simple, huh?

Oh, before I knew it,

anything to do with a crawling object just

caught my eye, you know.

Potato bugs,

grasshoppers, beetles...

What grabbed you

about grasshoppers?

You're putting me on

now, aren't you?

No, I'm not. I wanna know what

grabbed you about grasshoppers.

Well, three summers ago, uh,

I was looking for,

uh, mite larva,

which can be found

behind grasshopper gills.

Anyway, my brother and I

were on a trip...

How old is your brother?

- Thirty-one.

- Married?

- Yes.

- Kids?

- Two.

- You're an uncle!

- What does your father do?

- Uh, he's in real estate.

And your mother's

a housewife.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Well, whaddya know.

You know, you have a way of

changing the subject sometimes.

No, I don't.

You were talking about gills.

No, I was talking about mites and

I mentioned that mite larvae

can be found behind

grasshopper gills.

- Would you take me to dinner later?

- That's what I said.

I'll settle

for a sandwich.

Uh, I really think

that we should be going.

Adams in!

(GRUNTING)

JERRY:

Are you all right?

Hey, listen,

are you hurt?

Hey, are you okay?

Hey, listen are...

(SHRIEKS)

You really had me scared.

I don't think that's funny at all.

- You've got the ball!

- What?

- You've got the ball!

- Look, I don't...

(LAUGHING)

Come on, now. That's enough!

Will you cut it out!

Come on,

let go of me!

(SQUEALING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

JERRY: You're wacky,

you're absolutely wacky.

Yes.

Well, I'd stick around

for a midnight snack,

but I have to be back for

morning garbage cleanup.

Some stupid thing.

Well, drive carefully.

Okay. So long.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Maybe I'll see you

again sometime.

- So long.

Telegram.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, I'm sorry.

I didn't know it'd be so crowded.

You'd figure on Sunday all the

weirdos would be in church.

Barbara Eisenberg.

She's very liberal.

I said she's very liberal.

I don't think there are

any seats in here.

She's always making

placards and things.

All the liberals wear

their shorts loose.

- Upshaw.

- What?

Helen Upshaw.

She used to be my roommate.

What do you mean

''used to be''?

She had a friend she wanted to be with

down the hall so she moved out.

- Hi, Helen.

- Oh, hi, Pookie.

This is my date,

Jerry Payne.

- Hello.

- Hi.

Jerry, this is Mark.

Hi, Mark.

Nice to meet you.

- That's Pookie.

- Hi.

We're gonna have a beer.

Oh, good.

- Oh, hi.

- Hi.

Lillian Lerner.

Very emotional.

Cries all the time.

Wets her pants.

- What?

- She wets her pants.

I can't hear you,

I'm sorry.

- What?

- Huh?

(LAUGHS)

Nancy Putnam.

Oh.

She moved into my room

after Upshaw moved out.

Huh?

She moved into my room

after Upshaw moved out.

Oh, how is that

working out?

Well, she was only there

a couple of days.

She found a friend down at

the other end of the hall.

Oh.

BOY: Hey, Payne. Hey.

Hi. How are you?

Oh, hi, John.

How are you?

Hi, Nance.

Hi, Pookie.

- Who are you rooming with now?

- Huh?

- Who are you rooming with now?

- Nobody.

I like it like that.

I can play the radio all

night and keep the lights on.

That's how I like it.

Let's get out of here.

I can't stand so many hot-pantied

weirdos at one fell swoop.

What?

I said

hot-pantied weirdos!

POOKIE: Sometimes you have to

get away from the noise, you know?

I found it the first day

I was here.

Look at this.

"Bessie Rawlens.

Beloved daughter, 1804."

And, Jer...

Ebediah Rawlens.

''Take him unto

the heights of heaven.''

Great spot, huh?

Yeah.

Look at these over here.

This whole family must have gone together.

They all have the same name.

Must have been one of those mass-disaster

jobs, for blood or something.

And all the children.

George.

Mr. Simpson.

Zwillian.

Bessie. Ebediah.

George. William.

Jerry Payne.

Hello.

Hey, can you do this?

(SQUEAKING)

- What's that?

- Wait a minute.

(SQUEAKING)

It's supposed to be a fairy harp.

(CHUCKLES)

Try.

Just a piece of grass.

- Like this?

- You can use this...

- Do you have one?

- Yeah.

(SQUEAKING)

Have you been

to a lot of funerals?

I mean, is your

family all intact?

Uh, my father's uncle had a big funeral.

But that's about it.

Your family intact?

Except for my mother.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I forgot.

One summer vacation

when I was 11-years-old,

I went through the want ads and I wrote

to every address that offered a brochure.

I nearly drove

the mailman crazy.

So I told him I had leukemia

and only six months to live

and that people from all over the world

were sending money and letters

to help pay

for the doctor bills.

You know, so my father

wouldn't be too strapped?

You told that

to the mailman?

You know what he did?

He cried.

He said he'd watched me

grow all these years

and he sat right down on the porch

swing and he bawled like a baby.

No kidding.

He's been hanging around

waiting for me to die!

For years he's been looking at

me as if it's my last delivery.

Every time I'm home, he pats my head

and smiles and go, "God'll fix you up."

It's like

a challenge to him.

I think I've kept him alive

waiting for me to die.

- How old were you?

- Eleven.

No, I mean,

when your mother died.

A minute.

A minute?

My first victim!

- Gee, I'm sorry.

- You're sorry? (SCOFFS)

Wow. I hear my father

nearly busted a gut.

He's still nuts

about her.

I mean, look, he travels around half

the country half the time anyway, right?

And all he does is look for women

that look like my mother.

He even tried to rape her

sister a couple of years ago.

(IN FAKE ACCENT)

My own aunt!

Mmm.

"God take Arabella."

You know, sometimes I really

believe in God.

Take a picture.

Okay.

Pookie, that's terrible!

No, it's not,

what do you mean?

Come on,

I'll take one of you afterwards.

We can see what

we'll look like as corpses.

God take Arabella.

God take Pookie. God take Jerry.

- Come on, get up.

- No, no.

Come on, get up!

Pookie: (LAUGHING)

Jerry: (GRUNTS)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

JERRY: The leaves

are beautiful.

POOKIE: Because

they're dying, huh?

I know your

house painter's name

and what his wife did to her cousin

on Memorial Day of 1958...

'59!

Let's see.

You love pitted grapes, you hate figs.

And a policeman in Kermit

Kansas named George Grisby

has a small mole

on his left shoulder.

You read them!

You read them all!

He read them!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

We're in number eight.

(DOG BARKS)

Jer...

Hey, Jerry...

What name did

you register under?

- Uh, Berkner.

- Mr. and Mrs.?

Uh-huh.

Jer...

It's colder in here

than it is outside.

Well, it's clandestine,

that's for sure.

This place certainly has

interesting workmanship.

This place must've been

built back in the 1920's.

He said something about the

heat not working too well.

I guess he figured

we'd bring our own, huh?

That sort of a dirty joke goes

along with a place like this.

(HEATER CLATTERING)

Hey, did you ever hear the one

about the two prostitutes

who go down to the Navy Yard

on Ground Hog Day...

Do you have

to be crass about it?

Crass?

Who's being crass?

I'm just trying to get

the show on the road.

(HEATER CLATTERING)

Jer...

You might as well

face it.

I mean, this is it.

We're here.

Your time is up.

You're a dead goose.

Tonight's the night, Henry!

Why do you have to take

all the romance out of it!

I'm not.

It's just that that stupid

thing's never gonna light

and I think the best thing we

can do is take off our clothes

and hop in

the old sackeroo.

This is such

a dumb room!

(EXHALES)

I'm sorry,

but the heater has me nervous.

Well, would you like

to peel the tomato?

What?

Would you like

to strip me?

Don't you think it's a

little cold for that?

No, I don't mind.

I sort of had it planned this way.

You can do it as

slowly as you like.

How do you do?

I'm Pookie Adams.

Oh...

(WATER RUNNING)

(CLATTERS)

(LAUGHS)

Sweater.

Uh, wait a minute.

(WHISTLING)

Blouse.

You have to pull.

Yeah.

Mmm...

Ta-da!

Gee, your body's

just beautiful, Pookie.

Really beautiful.

Better get my beautiful ass into this

beautiful bed before it freezes off!

Okay,

Valentino, hit it!

Jer?

Hmm?

Can you...

Thank you.

(GIGGLES)

Bad news, Speedy,

you forgot the lights.

(THUDDING)

Ow!

(WHISPERS)

Mr. and Mrs. Berkner.

Wonder if you'd have

a guy named like that?

Uh, what's the matter?

Nothing.

It's just that

everything's a little bit...

perfect.

And I...

Somehow or other

when everything's a little bit perfect

I just get a little bit nervous.

I mean, it can't last.

I love you, Pookie.

I love you.

POOKIE: Let's never

be weirdos, okay?

JERRY: Okay.

You shouldn't be looking

in people's mailboxes.

Why not?

Nobody will care.

Look at this guy.

He's popular.

Pookie, don't do that.

Hey, what do you want to bet

this is a love letter, Jer?

It's probably

just a bill.

No, it's not.

It's a love letter.

Look, it's pink.

Smell.

See? Smells just

like a mailbox.

Oh, my dearest darling.

Would you

do me a favor?

Would you write

me a love letter?

I mean, I know you've

written letters and everything...

But, would you write me

a real love letter?

You know,

mushing gushing.

Okay, if you want.

(MAIL BOX CLANGING)

My mother was

great at doing that.

Some of hers

were fantastic.

You should've

seen 'em.

I swiped one once

from my father's drawer

and made

a recording of it.

Gave it to him for a present

on one of my birthdays.

Did he like it?

Well, he...

He opened it up and he looked at

it and he asked me what it was

and I said,

"It's a surprise.

"Go on, put it on

the record player."

So he went

and he put it on.

And it played

and he listened.

And it played

and he listened.

He finally just whacked

the needle right off the record

and then he said,

"Don't you ever go through my

things again, Mary Anne."

(CHUCKLES)

Weird, huh?

I'm gonna write you

a love letter.

(BOYS SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

I love you, Pookie.

(TIRE SCREECHING)

(JEEP HONKS)

CHARLIE:

Hey, what're you doing?

JERRY: - What?

- What're you doing?

I'm just waiting

for a bus.

Come on!

(ALL CLAMORING)

(CONTINUE CLAMORING)

Okay, I'm coming.

(JEEP HONKS)

Wait, I'm coming!

CHARLIE: Come on, my dear.

Open that can of beer

immediately.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(BOYS SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

So long, Jerry.

You awake?

The last survivor.

Well, who'd you like to really

get in the sheets with tonight?

May or

September, hmm?

They're all all right,

I guess.

(SIGHS)

So what're you

doing for Christmas?

You gonna go home,

see your folks?

JERRY: Yeah.

Aw, well...

JERRY: Hmm?

Oh, I got a really

fantastic idea.

You really ought to

learn to ski, huh?

I can teach you to

ski in a week.

Teach you everything

you want to know.

Fundamentals.

I'll have you flying in a week.

I got too much

work to do.

You can work up there!

And give the old dude a little

help in a couple of subjects.

Are you in trouble?

What'd your old man say

if you flunked out?

(CHUCKLES)

You know what my

old man would say?

He'd say,

"Thanks a lot, Charlie."

(CHARLIE CHUCKLES)

POOKIE: That's just great!

That's just so great for your reputation!

JERRY: - What?

- All of a sudden

you're running off to the hills

with some muscle-bound fairy.

What're you

talking about?

Since when are you taking time

out to be with the boys?

Why do you have to

make it sound so stupid?

Guys like to

be together sometimes.

I mean, if you wanted to spend

some time with your girlfriends,

I'd be the first

to understand.

Don't make me sound

like some kind of a perv!

Charlie Schoonover

is not a pervert.

He happens to be a little thick

in physics, that's all.

Uh-huh.

I don't know how to ski.

He just offered a little tit for tat.

Well, that sounds dirty

right off the bat.

- Cut it out, Pookie.

- Oh, come on.

When one man looks

at another man

and says, "How about

a little tit for tat?"

I said cut it out!

Don't you know they have

a secret language?

You go on. You ask him if he has

a pair of alligator shoes.

I'll lay you five to one he'll jump

right on your bones.

Listen, I'm spending one

week with Charlie Schoonover

and one week with my

family and that's that!

What about me?

I thought you

were going home.

Well, you never even

asked me if I was.

I just assumed you were.

Where else would you go?

I don't know.

I haven't made up my mind.

What'll you do

if you don't go home?

Wonder how my boyfriend's

making out in the mountains.

That's not even amusing.

Maybe I'll go somewhere and get a job,

earn a little extra money.

I mean, it's not as if we made a date

to spend Christmas together.

I went home for Thanksgiving,

didn't I?

Yeah, thanks for

asking me to join you.

We've been

all through that.

You said you were

going home.

How am I supposed to know that

you're gonna change your mind

and eat dinner at

some hot dog stand.

What do you mean you're gonna

need a little extra money?

Are you broke?

No, I'm just gonna need

a little extra money, that's all.

For what?

A new joke book?

No.

A bassinet.

What?

That's right.

- Now don't do that to me, Pookie.

- You did it to me!

- That's not funny.

- Right again.

I thought you said you

knew how to handle that.

Well, I goofed.

Half the world's a bunch of goofs.

Are you sure?

Have you seen a doctor?

I know what

you're thinking.

Pookie, have you

seen a doctor?

Pookie's got big feet

and a long nose

and an excruciatingly

weird body!

Pookie, will you

please be serious?

Well, you...

You don't have to be the father

of some ugly monster!

I mean, my mother

is reputed to have been

a fantastic beauty

in her time

and my father's turned

a few heads, too.

So you can just relax

on that score!

Have you seen a doctor?

You don't even have to

admit to being the father.

I'm not denying anything!

I just wanted to know

if you've seen a doctor.

But you are!

I want you to know that.

I want you to know that no other

person could possibly be!

- Do you know what that means?

- Will you please...

Will you please

settle down?

But, if you want to, you can forget

that you ever even knew me.

That I do want you

to understand.

It's a free country.

I'll just plead

immaculate conception.

Have you seen a doctor?

No.

Then I think you should

see one right away.

No.

Why not,

for God's sake?

Because I've got

a much better idea.

You go up to the snow

with your queer

and I'll go home

and see a doctor.

And that way I can talk

to my father about it.

You gonna tell him?

I don't know.

Do you think I should?

I don't know.

That's up to you

to decide.

I'll marry you,

of course.

You don't have to.

Yes, I do.

I mean...

I mean, I want to.

I want you

to know that.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless there's someone

we could see about...

No! I would never

do that.

I would never ever

do a thing like that.

I'm sorry, okay? I wasn't...

I wasn't thinking.

I will marry you though.

Look, we'll take our

vacations, all right?

No, I'm gonna

change my plans.

No, we'll take

our vacations.

And then, when we get back

we can see where we stand.

How we feel and what

we want to do about it.

I had a friend called Elsie Cantonie,

got it from a Jewish lifeguard.

And she ended up

in a convent.

But she wanted it that way.

She's happy.

I know what you're

thinking about.

You're thinking about

the first day on the bus

and how if the nun

hadn't given me the seat,

you wouldn't be here

right now.

Well, I bet you that nun

would be really happy

if she knew she could create a

child just by changing her seat.

I'm right, aren't I?

You are thinking

about that, aren't you?

No.

What're you

thinking about?

Me.

(WIND BLOWS)

(DOOR RATTLING)

CHARLIE: Did you ever

make it with that girl?

Not necessarily.

(LAUGHING)

How many girls you figure you

made it with in your time?

(SCOFFS)

I don't know.

How many do you

figure I have?

I don't know.

Take a guess.

Twelve.

(LAUGHING)

Guess again.

Twenty-five?

(LAUGHING)

Do you want me to

tell you now?

If you want.

Two thousand.

(SIGHS)

Hmm. I'll bet that you and me are the

only two guys in the whole dorm

that have never been laid.

(BUS APPROACHING)

(GIRLS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

- Hi!

I was afraid you wouldn't

be able to make it.

Well, we had a date,

didn't we?

How are you?

Just fine.

How are you?

Fine. Boy,

you look terrific!

Thank you.

How was your friend?

Did you learn how to ski?

Uh, no. As a matter of fact I

turned my ankle first day out.

You're kidding.

- How's your father?

- Fine.

Went home and saw him.

You know, we had a...

A lunch together.

Big old sandwich.

Ham and cheese on rye with potato salad.

The waitress who served us

was Evelyn Korbon,

who our Senior Class voted

"Most likely to travel abroad."

Oh, yeah?

How's your family?

Bet they were glad to see you, huh?

Yeah.

Did you tell 'em

about me?

Sure.

I told my father

all about you.

How's...

How's the baby?

It went away.

Women are always having

reversals in that area.

- Relieved, huh, Jer?

- Yeah.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

How do you

feel about it?

Fine.

Did you ever

get to a doctor?

What for?

Well, you were pregnant.

Well, did you lose it,

or was it a false alarm?

Jer, I don't know if I was preg.

(CHUCKLES)

I mean, I threw up

in the bus, didn't I?

But you didn't go

to a doctor.

Why are you

getting upset?

I'm not upset.

You are.

I just wanted to know

how you felt about it.

I can't tell you

how I felt about it.

I loved it.

I loved

every minute of it.

It took me home,

it took me downtown,

it took me right through

Trepton's Department Store.

It took me right past

Janet Young and Floyd Petersen.

It let me have lunch

with my father.

It let me order ham and cheese

from Evelyn Korbon.

That's how

I felt about it.

It took me.

It made me something.

And I loved it.

Whether it was there or not,

I believed it.

And I'm sorry

that it went away.

You're gonna be a weirdo soon,

aren't you?

Oh, Pook.

Don't go away, okay?

Pookie...

Maybe they aren't...

They aren't all so bad.

Maybe everybody is just a

little cautious of everybody.

You're really

wrong as rain.

I know.

I grew up with them.

They're all a bunch

of rotten eggs.

Why can't you

give 'em a chance?

What do you mean?

Pookie, there's this

dumb weekend coming up.

House party weekend.

It's supposed to be one of the major

events of the year or something.

Pookie, I want us to go.

It's time for us to.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(POOKIE LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- I'm gonna be sick...

- Oh, no, no!

Come on.

Let's do some... Let's do some

breathing exercises.

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

King of the Creep

on ice he is! (LAUGHING)

(GIBBERISH)

(LAUGHING)

Old chicken breast...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

POOKIE: Oh!

(CHARLIE MOOING)

Pook: Big bull.

(CHARLIE MOOING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Great big fat bull!

Bully for you,

chicken!

Let's, let's snow

on the plebeians!

- The what?

- The plebeians.

(SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

(POOKIE LAUGHING)

(POOKIE AND CHARLIE LAUGHING)

(SINGING STOPS)

POOKIE: Let's snow

on the plebeians!

- The plebleians?

- The plebeians!

Whoo!

(POOKIE YELLING)

Here she comes,

the high priestess of the plebeians.

POOKIE:

Plebeians. Ole, ole!

ANTOINETTE: God.

Antoinette.

Antoinette Green!

(LAUGHING)

What God has not given

Antoinette Green,

Antoinette Green

has had done!

(LAUGHING)

Would you like to know

Antoinette's Greens

real measurements, weirdos?

Twenty-eight, thirty,

forty-one!

(LAUGHING)

Jenny Wallace! Nose job.

A bad one.

Fifty bucks, a cheapie.

CHARLIE:

Come on now, don't...

POOKIE: Helen Upshaw's

going bald!

CHARLIE: Hey!

Lillian Lerner's dentures!

Watch out, my lads,

she'll snap you to death!

Lay off.

Snap, snap, snap,

snap, snap, snap.

- Come on, relax.

- What?

I think you'd better

get off of me.

The biggest phony

of all them

lies up there somewhere

in that floating mass.

Nancy Putnam!

Ninety percent of Nancy

Putnam's body is by Dupont.

- Hey, look...

- Fiberglass Du Pont.

- Fiberglass brain.

- Hey, cut it out.

- Fiberglass smile!

- Just get down, will ya.

Wait a minute.

What about this big bull upon

whose shoulders I sit?

Maybe he's the biggest

deceiver of them all.

Maybe he's

not even a bull.

Maybe he's just

a glad ole cow.

CHARLIE:

Oh, shut up, will ya!

"Moo," says this giant cow

who lures young men into the

wilderness as a fairy lures...

Shut up!

You shut up!

(POOKIE GRUNTS)

(BELL TOLLING)

JERRY: Hello, uh, could I speak to

Pookie Adams, please?

Jerry? Hi.

Hi.

- How are you?

- Just fine.

You sound terrific.

Your voice sounds really great.

How are you?

Just fine.

Hey, did you get my letter?

I'm a terrific artist, huh?

You still mad at me?

No, I'm not mad.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Oh, good.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I know I was bad.

I'm really sorry.

You know what

I was gonna do?

You won't believe this.

I was gonna take an ad

out in your school paper

saying something

to the effect of,

"Miss Pookie Adams is

terrifically sorry

"for acting like a

weirdo at the Phi..."

No, don't do that, Pookie.

Pookie, don't do that.

Oh, Jer, I wasn't going to do that.

Don't you know me by now?

Don't you know

when I'm kidding?

But I am sorry.

Yeah, I know you are, Pook.

No, I'm not mad at you. Promise.

Double promise?

Double promise.

Oh, Jer, I love you!

I love you.

I love you, Pookie.

Well, you sound funny.

Like you want

to say something.

You are mad at me,

aren't you?

No, Pook, I'm not mad at you.

It's just...

Uh, I have to talk to you

about Easter vacation.

Well, we're going,

aren't we?

I mean, you promised to

take me, remember?

Yeah, I know I did.

I'm not gonna embarrass you in

front of your parents or anything.

- Scout's honor I won't.

- Pookie...

I'm not going home

for Easter vacation.

I, uh... I got some notices

of flunk warnings and...

Well, I've decided to stay here at

the dorm over Easter and work.

I mean, they close up the house

and I'll have it all to myself.

Boy, you are mad at me,

aren't you?

Pook, I'm not

mad at you.

I got... I got flunk warnings in

English and Philosophy...

Listen, you won't believe what

I've been doing this week.

You know, I've really been making

a terrific effort to be friends

with some of the weirdos

around here. I mean...

Pookie, listen...

I even apologized to Helen...

Helen Upshaw.

Listen to me.

And I told Lillian Lerner

that I didn't know that

she wore dentures.

That it was just an

accident and a coincidence.

I don't even remember

saying about dumb Helen.

- Will you listen! Please!

- I mean...

Just give me another

chance, okay?

It has nothing to do

with another chance.

It has to do with my

academic standing.

It has to do with whether I

flunk out of school or not.

It has to do with me.

Not us, but me.

And I'm not going home

for Easter vacation.

And it's not because I'm mad at you.

Do you understand that?

Pookie, are you listening?

I've got a fantastic idea.

I'm gonna...

I'll come up there and be with you.

What?

During the vacation.

I'll just whirl right on up to the dorm.

It'll be great.

Like you said, nobody will be there

and we'll have the whole

place to ourselves.

And I can cook for you.

And I'll make the bed

and everything.

I'll keep the Avon lady

off your back.

No, Pook.

But I think it'll be really

good for us, you know?

Nobody will be there

and it'll be like living together.

Like we're man and wife.

Pookie, don't you understand?

My head is on the block.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

But you can still study.

I mean...

I can amuse myself.

God, I'm the all-time self-amuser,

remember me?

Pookie, it's just not

a good idea.

Jer, what do you mean

it's not a good idea?

I think it's

a fantastic idea.

Pookie, it won't work.

I've got too much

work to do.

You'd better plan

on visiting your dad.

I have no intention

of visiting my...

I don't call him my dad,

I call him my father!

And as for your head

being on the block,

well, maybe everybody's

head's on the block.

Did you ever

think about that?

I mean, maybe everybody's

in a little bit of trouble.

Did you ever think

about that, Jerry?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Will you get out of here,

you goony virgin!

I mean, look, Jer...

A whole campus

to ourselves.

I mean,

don't we owe it?

I mean, all the time that

we've spent together?

Don't you think

that we owe it?

Jer... (CRIES)

I don't want to go home!

He won't be there.

He wasn't there Christmas.

I didn't even have

a sandwich with him.

Please.

I just don't want to go back and

hang around there, you know.

Jer?

Jerry?

All right, Pookie.

It'll be terrific!

(CHUCKLES)

You wait and see!

- Listen, I have to go now.

- Okay.

Okay, I'll see you then.

Bye.

(LINE CLICKS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(PAPER RUSTLING)

What do you know.

It's only eight weeks till summer vacation.

I guess some people

are planning already, huh?

I guess so.

Oh, God. I used to

hate those vacations.

If he didn't ship me

off to my grandmother's

he'd store me off in

some summer camp.

Talk about your weirdos.

If you wanted to catch

every creep in the world,

all you had to do was

wait till summer

and drop your net over

Camp Arak-Arak-Aranna.

Just think, Jer.

Three months without a weirdo.

(PENCIL SCRATCHING)

(ECHOING) Jerry Payne

is a rotten egg!

I hope you pass everything.

JERRY: Thanks.

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

Uh, Pookie?

I've been thinking and...

Well, I wonder if maybe seeing so much of

each other is really such a good thing.

What I mean is,

maybe we should stay apart from

each other for a little while.

Say four or five weeks.

I mean, sometimes a separation

like that can be good for people.

You know, it'll give us both

a chance to settle back into school.

I mean, the odds are after

a month like that...

A month's separation,

it's...

Well...

We'll really get to

appreciate each other

and get a better

perspective on each other.

I mean, odds are...

After a separation like that

we'll be just dying to see each other.

Odds are.

You understand

what I mean?

Uh...

Well...

I'll see you then in about a month's time.

I'll give you a call, okay?

Bye, Jer.

(CAR HONKS)

(INDISTINCT TALK)

(JEEP HONKS)

Hey.

- Hello?

- GIRL: Hello.

May I speak to

Pookie Adams, please?

I'm sorry,

she's not here.

Well, may I

leave a message?

I can switch you to the

Administration office.

No, she's a student

there in the house.

She's not here anymore.

You mean she's in

another house?

No, she's left school.

- She left?

- Yes, sir.

The school?

Uh, I'm talking about Mary Anne Adams.

They call her Pookie.

Yes, Pookie Adams.

She left school.

Well, did she leave

a forwarding address?

- I don't believe she left...

- Did she go home?

I don't know, sir.

Well, somebody must

know where she is.

Maybe if you talked to the

Administration office they can help you.

Thank you.

(LINE CLICKS)

(NANCY SINGING)

(PEOPLE TALKING

INDISTINCTLY)

(INDISTINCT TALK)

- Hi, Jerry.

- Hi, Mel.

You know everybody,

don't you?

Here.

Hi, Nancy.

Hi, Jerry.

How are you?

Just fine.

How are you?

I've been meaning to call you,

as a matter of fact.

I wondered if, uh,

you'd heard anything about Pookie.

Well, I don't know if

I can help you much.

We weren't the best

of friends.

Yeah, I just wondered if

somebody had, you know,

heard something.

All I know is that

the Administration did try

and get in touch

with her father.

Well, so did I.

But, uh, he wasn't there.

I even wrote,

but I never got an answer.

(PLAYING)

(NANCY HUMS)

Alas my love

you do me wrong

To cast me out

discourteously

(BURPING)

(SIGHS)

(CLATTERS)

(LINE RINGING)

WOMAN: Hello?

Yes, I'm sorry to

bother you this late,

but do you have a Miss Adams

registered there?

Adams? No. No Adams.

I'm sorry.

I thought I saw someone

I recognized in the upstairs front window.

No Adams. Sorry.

Upstairs front

has a Berkner.

Thank you.

POOKIE: Hi, Jer.

I knew you'd figure it out.

I don't understand, Pookie.

You don't understand.

Why are you here?

What are you

planning to do?

I went to Boston.

I felt sick

in Boston.

And then

the car broke down.

It just wouldn't

run anymore.

I didn't know where else to go,

so I came here.

Real surprise, huh?

What do you want to do?

(SOBBING)

I don't know.

What do you think that I should do?

I don't know.

Maybe you should

go home.

Your father might

be back by now.

- Yeah.

- I tried to contact him.

Yeah.

Pookie, have you slept?

(SIGHS)

I guess I've been

here about a week.

Why don't you try to

get some sleep?

I'll stay here

with you.

And later on, we...

(SNIFFLES)

We'll decide

what to do.

Okay.

You're gonna send

me back home, aren't you?

You're gonna send me

back to that mailman, aren't you?

Twice I've seen you

from the window.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

Come Saturday morning

I'm goin' away with my friend

Well Saturday-spend 'til

the end of the day

Just I and my friend

The secrets to tell

in our Saturday spent

And then we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

Just I and my friend

Is nobody there in

a saturday free

And then we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

(BUS APPROACHING)

Just I and my friend

Wherever knows

our Saturday goes

And so we'll move on

But we will remember

Long after Saturday's gone

Subtitles: Kilo

The Sterile Cuckoo (1969) - full transcript