The Stepford Wives (2004) - full transcript
Joanna Eberhart, a wildly successful president of a TV Network, after a series of shocking events, suffers a nervous breakdown and is moved by her milquetoast of a husband, Walter, from Manhattan to the chic, upper-class, and very modern planned community of Stepford, Connecticut. Once there, she makes good friends with the acerbic Bobbie Markowitz, a Jewish writer who's also a recovering alcoholic. Together they find out, much to their growing stupor and-then horror, that all the housewives in town are strangely blissful and, somehow... doomed. What is going on behind the closed doors of the Stepford Men's Association and the Stepford Day Spa? Why is everything perfect here? Will it be too late for Joanna and Bobbie when they finally find out?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I would
now like to introduce
a legend in our industry.
She s the most successful
president
in the history
of our network
and for the past five years
has kept us at the very top
of the ratings.
She s our maverick,
our wild card,
and today she s gonna
take us right to the edge.
Please welcome a giant,
a genius
and the hardest-working person
- Joanna Eberhart.
Way to go, Joanna!
Thank you all so much.
Thank you.
Joanna!
That feels good,
especially coming from
such a fantastic group of people
from all across
our great nation,
our network affiliates.
Give yourselves
a great big hand.
You deserve it.
And I want
a big, fat Christmas bonus.
Just kidding, but not really
because...
I am so excited,
I am so on fire,
I am so guts-and-glory
passionate
about what I am
about to show you.
So get ready because
on Monday nights
the whole world will be watching
a man, a woman and a buzzer!
Are you ready
for the final gender challenge?
Who makes more money?
I do.
Who enters Ironman triathlons
every year and wins?
I do.
Who secretly wishes they were
married to a hot, sexy lesbian?
I do!
I do!
It s Tara!
And...
...on Thursdays...
No, this is not just a TV show.
No, this is a breakthrough,
a breakout,
a break-all-the-rules
and bring-on-the-Emmys
mega-smash!
Yes!
Can I present to you
this planet s
ultimate reality phenomenon?
I Can Do Better!
We will all be right there as happily-married couples
are flown first class to a tropical island paradise
where they will be
completely surrounded
by professional prostitutes.
And at the end of the week...
Well, let s take a peek.
Well, it s been a week,
and Hank, our personnel manager
from Omaha,
has spent the entire seven days
with Vanessa,
our call girl
and exotic dancer.
Yeah,
it s been amazing.
And I ll admit
we ve had some fun
in the hot tub and all.
But you wanna know something,
Billy?
All we did was talk...
because I love my wife...
and the only place
I want to be
is back in Omaha
with my Barbara.
Tough break, Nessa.
And Barbara, you spent Monday
with Rocky,
our bodybuilder
and male escort,
Tuesday through Thursday
with the entire cast
of the XXX film Hung Jury,
and you spent
the entire weekend with Tonkiro.
And now it s time
for the final decision.
Barbara, it s yours
to make.
Is it gonna
be Omaha?
Or "Oma-hunks"?
Well...
before I came on this show
I only had sex with one man,
and that was usually Hank.
I love Hank deeply and forever
with all my heart,
and I would never do anything
to hurt him.
But I can do better!
The battle of the sexes,
as old as time but as--
Why?
Uh...
Excuse me?
Why did you do it?
Oh, my God, it s Hank
from I Can Do Better.
Hank, everyone.
No, stop it.
I love Barbara. I had a family.
I had a life.
Hank,
I know it hurts.
Love isn t easy.
Relationships aren t easy,
not for anyone.
But now you know the truth
about Barbara,
and you are gonna move on
with your life.
And you re gonna meet
someone wonderful,
and America is gonna love you.
Yeah. I ve got a great idea
for another hot new show.
Well, tell it to us.
It s called...
Let s Kill All the Women.
He s got a gun!
Oh!
Joanna, are you all right? I am great.
Raring to go.
The police were sensational.
And not a scratch.
You haven t heard? About what?
That man, Hank.Ugh!
Right before he tried
to kill you,
he went to see his ex-wife
and five of her new boyfriends.
He did? He shot all of them.
The wife is in critical
condition,
and four of the guys
are on life support.
Tonkiro?
He s fine.
Of course.
We pay for all of their medical
treatment, every penny.
We get them
the very best therapist,
childcare, rehab,
whatever they need,
and then we fly them
to New York, first class,
for a prime-time special,
Let the Healing Begin.
You re not listening.
We can t wear this.
The lawsuits alone
may bankrupt the network.
And all your new shows,
the whole lineup,
the affiliates
won t touch them.
We have shareholders.
We can t let you
sink the network.
But we wish you
only the best.
Of course.
Thank you for being so classy
and taking this so well.
Joanna, we just wanted to say
that this is so not fair.
Goodbye, everybody!
All the best!
Jo? Mm.
Ah, Walter.
What happened?
Well, you ve had
a complete nervous collapse.
Ah...
And the doctors say
there s a lot of work to do,
but you re gonna
be just fine.
Oh, and Pete
made this for you.
Oh, that s so sweet.Isn t it?
And I wanted you to know
that the minute
I heard the news,
I called the network
and I quit.
You did that for me? Of course.
I know I was only
a vice president,
but I could never work
for those people,
not after the way
they treated you.
Oh, Walter...
And do you remember
what today is?
It s our anniversary.
Oh, Walter...
...I m so sorry.
Maybe that man
who tried to shoot me,
maybe he was right.
Maybe I ve become
the wrong kind of woman.
Maybe I ve made all
of the wrong decisions.
Could we get away
and start over?
And get it right,
our marriage?
But why are we moving? To Connecticut?
We re moving
so that we can all kick back
and have a great new life
in this beautiful new town.
Name?
Kresby.
Welcome to Stepford.Thanks.
What do you
think, guys?
Cool.
Good.
Honey?
Hello, everyone.
I m Mrs. Wellington.
Welcome to Stepford.
I m with Stepford Realty.
We spoke on the phone.
And the little ones.
I bet you re Pete.
Duh.Pete!
And he s every bit
as handsome as his dad.
Thank you.
And Kimberly, aren t you just
the cutest little bug s ear.
Bugs don t have ears.
Isn t she sassy,
and a little sad.
And this
must be Joanna.
Electroshock? But she s doing great.
Hello,
little Energizer.
The minute Walter called,
I knew this was
the perfect house for you.
It s the top of the line
here at Stepford Estates,
and it s got everything
an American family
could ever need.
And may I present to you...
Look at this.KIMBERLY: This is amazing.
...the great room.
I call it cozy.
And it s also
a smart house.
Now, this controls
the security system.
All secure.
It talks to the refrigerator.
We need juice, we need juice, we need juice.
The system also monitors
all the commodes.
Where it will test
your urine
for blood sugar,
protein and body fat.
Flush toilets.
Isn t that great,
kids?
I m gonna go
check my room.
Me too.
Now, Walter,
will you be commuting?
No.
Uh, no, Joanna and I
both left the network.
Oh, look,
it s the puppy.
Robo Rover 3000.
Come on, boy.
Come on, come on, come on.
Joanna.
The town is over 200 years old.
It was founded
by George Washington,
and Martha just loved it.
Stepford is Connecticut s
family paradise.
It has no crime,
no poverty
and no pushing.
What is that? Up on the hill?
Well, that s
our Stepford Men s Association.
Where all our wonderful guys
can get together
and stay out of our hair.
Am I right?
Where do the women go?
To the Simply Stepford Day Spa.
Good morning,
ladies.
Good morning, Claire.
I would like you all
to welcome
our newest citizen
- Joanna.
Good morning, Joanna.
Are we ready
to work out?
Oh, yes. Yes.Great.
Places and poles,
please.
Wait, you work out
dressed like this?
Well, of course.
Whatever we do, we always
want to look our very best.
I mean, why, imagine
if our husbands saw us
in worn, dark,
urban sweat clothes
with stringy hair
and almost no makeup?
Oh, good heavens!
Now,
today you are in
for a special treat
because we are working
on a series of exercises,
which I ve personally invented,
based on simple household tasks.
I call my program Clairobics.
Because her name
is Claire.
All right, now it s time
to slim and scrub.
Let s all be washing machines.
And...
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga.
Chugga-chugga-
chugga-chugga.
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-
chugga-chugga-choo.
And chugga-chugga-
chugga-chugga.
Chugga-chugga-
chugga-chugga.
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-
chugga-chugga-choo.
Come on, Joanna.
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga...
Spin cycle, ladies,
and whoosh!
And whoosh!
And whoosh!
And whoosh!
Sweet.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Who s the man?
You the man.
Thank you, dear.
Walter? MAN 2: Hey, how are ya?
Hey, how you doing? MAN 4: Walter Kresby.
Good to see you.MAN 2: Ted Van Sant.
I m Stan Peters.
Come on in, come on in.
Nice to see you.
Come on in.
Hear ye, hear ye.
Come one, come all,
and happy Fourth of July.
At 1:30 will be the children s Stars and Stripes,
face painting...
Isn t this great?
A real old-fashioned
town picnic.
Can t get this
in Manhattan.
Which is why we re gonna stay
exactly ten minutes.
We re gonna
make an appearance,
and then we re gonna
get out of here.
Kids, I m really sorry
about all of this,
but let s try
and have fun, hm?
Mom, it s a picnic.
Chill.
Go ahead, go ahead,
have fun.
Ten minutes?
Walter, you just don t get it.
These women are like
deranged-flight-attendant
friendly.
Joanna!
Here we go.
Oh, Joanna.Hello, Joanna.
Joanna, hi.
Hi, Walter.
Hi.
You look great.I love you in khakis.
They re new,
a little experiment.
Now I know why they call it
BananaRepublic.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Excuse me, ladies.
Hey! Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me
Excuse me.
Am I the only one
who finds all of this
more than
a little disturbing?
We are celebrating
our nation s birthday,
but there are almost no
African Americans,
no Native Americans,
no Asian Americans,
and... Oh, my God.
Hey, you re Joanna Eberhart.
Yes.You got such a raw deal.
Aren t you Bobbie Markowitz?
Yes.
I love your books,
especially the last one.
What was it called?
It was about your relationship
with your mother.
I Love You, But Please Die. MAN: Hey, baby. Baby.
Look what I did, look.
Happy Fourth of July, everybody.
Excuse me.
Is this guy bothering you?
Yes, he s my husband.
Hey Kresbo-Man.
Hey, Dave.How do you know each other?
Men s Association.That place.
Did you finish the laundry? No, I finished a chapter.
Did you make the sandwiches? Did you?
Where are the kids? What kids?
Our kids.Hey, are you two okay?
We re fine.
Come on,
I need a cookie.
See what I mean?
Jerry... Jerry,
it s a bake sale,
an actual bake sale.
It s like some sort
of heavenly diorama
at the Smithsonian
in the Hall of Homemakers.
Oh, no. No, stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
That is not cobbler.Roger, could we--?
Could we reel it in, like,
a couple of hundred yards?
How do you ladies
keep your figures?
Is there just a huge vat
of cobbler vomit somewhere?
But worth it? Roger.
Oh, I m sorry.
That is... This is fabulous.
Jerry thinks that I overdo,
you know, everything.
Excuse me,
um, aren t you
Roger Bannister?
The amazing architect
from The Times?
Oh, thank you.
This is Jerry Harmon.
But he s getting the help
that he needs so--
Stop it.
You stop it.
We re new.Oh, my God, Joanna Eberhart.
I love the shows.Oh, thank you.
And Bobbie Markowitz.
Love the books.
Jerry, how did this happen?
Where did you come from?
I mean, right here
in Stepford.
People.
Attention, attention,
Fourth of July funsters,
grab your partners
because it s time
for some sizzling Stepford
square dancing, so come on in.
Square dancing? Cowgirls?
We re in hell.Yee-haw.
Come on, Bobbie.
Howdy.
Howdy.
Howdy. Howdy.
Okay, everybody ready
to kick up your heels
for some barn-busting Stepford
high-stepping?
Okay.
Bow to your partners,
lose your cares ♪
Bow.
Oh.
Bow.
There you go.
Stepford stallions love their mares ♪
All men left, all men right ♪
Rope that filly,
she won t bite ♪
All join hands
and circle sweet ♪
Please your cowboy
with your feet ♪
Nice shirt, Stan.MAN: Thanks.
Yahoo!
Yee-haw! Yahoo!
Yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay,
yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay,
yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay... Honey.
Do-si-do, do-si-do,
do-si-do, do-si-do...
Whoa...... do-si-do, do-si-do...
Back up, guy.... do-si-do, do-si-do--
Jesus.
Do-do-si-do, do-si-do,
do-si-do, do-si-do.
Is she all right?
It s okay.Excuse me.
Do-si-do.
All right. Okay.
Don t try to move her.
She s drunk.
There s no need, thank you.She s blond.
Do-si-do.WALTER: Jo, you re not a doctor.
Walter,
I can take care of this. I ran a network.
Somebody call 911.MAN: Mike s here.
Mike.
Do-si-do.
Mike.
Do-si-do.
Do-si-do,
do-si-do, do-si-do.
Mike.MIKE: It s okay. I m here.
Walter, the missus.
The missus? Jo, Jo.
Walter,
what is your problem?
Excuse me.MIKE: Stand back, please.
Hey! Uh, excuse...
Excuse me.JOANNA: I can t-- Ex--
Do-si-do, do-si--
What was that?
Herb, Dave,
give me a hand, and we ll get
Sarah right into my Hummer.
Your Hummer? MAN 4: It s a sweet ride.
It s roomy.Here you go.
We need an ambulance.
You shouldn t be moving her.
She might need oxygen,
paramedics.
Everything isn t always
about you, Jo.
Walter.
She ll be fine.
It s-- It s too much sun.
She s dehydrated.
Dehydrated? Are you crazy?
Jo. I m sorry
about this, Mike.
Joanna. Joanna,
this is
a very special moment.
I would like you
to meet...
Mike Wellington.
My husband.
Oh...
And you must be
the famous Joanna.
You re even prettier
than in the newspapers.
They don t
do you justice.
Excuse me, that woman
is very sick.
Thank you. I should be going
with her.
She ll get all the help
she needs.
Trust me, little lady.
That woman had a seizure,
and she was practically
levitating.
And I have told you
five million times
I phoned Herb.
He said that Sarah is fine.
She just needed some fluids,
just like Mike said.
She was sparking, Walter.She was dancing.
Then why wasn t there
a doctor anywhere?
And why...?Shh. Kids.
Why...?
Walter!
Walter!
And why did everyone
just automatically listen
to that Mike person?
And why, why was everyone
just standing there?
You mean why weren t they
just listening to you?
That s not what I m saying! Jesus Christ, Joanna!
What? You were fired,
your kids barely know you,
and our marriage
is falling apart.
Shh! And your whole attitude
makes people
want to kill you.
It makes people
try to kill you.
That s what
we re doing here.
The people in this town
have been nothing
but friendly and welcoming
and wonderful to you.
And you ve been nothing
but snide and suspicious.
And on top of that,
at the picnic you humiliated me.
Well, I can t do it anymore.
I can t keep fighting you
for every inch of everything.
Game over.
Marriage over.Oh, no!
No!
No what?
Please don t go.
Why not? Because you re right.
Wait, I m sorry.
I don t think I heard that.
What did you just say?
I said, you re right.
About?
About everything.
Oh... About me.
Do you know why I signed on
at the network?
Because I thought
that if I was around,
I could help you
lighten up.
You did?
Yeah, I did. What was that
one show called?
I Can Do Everybody?
See, that s what I mean.
I wanted to make you laugh.
That s so sweet,
but I...
I was busy.
I was...
I was running
a network, Walter.
You were so busy that we haven t
made love in over a year.
I know.
Well, I miss you.I...
But I ve always loved you
so much. I...
You know that.
Why?
Because...
Because...
...you re goofy,
and you re...
You re handsome,
and you re... You re...
You re my Walter.
And because when
you play computer chess
you do that little, uh...
You do that little victory
dance. Whoo-whoo.
I do not. I don t do that.
Mm-hm.
Ah...
But if I m not
the smartest
and the best of the best
and the most successful,
then I don t know,
who am I?
Do you wanna find out?
How?
First of all,
we re in the country now,
so no more black.
No more black? Are you insane? You heard me.
Only high-powered,
neurotic, castrating,
Manhattan career bitches
wear black.
Is that what you wanna be?
Ever since
I was a little girl.
Do I really look okay?
Can I be honest?
Mm-hm.
You look kind of
like Betty Crocker.
I know.
We need milk.
We need milk. We need milk. Thank you.
Look, I m trying to make
an effort to change.
I mean, last night my husband
was a different person.
He was strong, he was forceful,
he was commanding.
Like your refrigerator.
Well, nobody said it was gonna
be easy being a homemaker
and a stay-at-home mom.
It s the toughest job
in the world, right?
Well, that may be,
but these Stepford women,
they re a whole
other dimension.
Oh, like yesterday,
that poor lady,
Sarah Sunderson.
Walter said she s fine.
But you said she was shooting
off sparks from her ears.
Now, that s the first sign.
Of what? Cheap jewelry.
We should go see her.Why?
Because we need to be
supportive.
That s how people behave
outside of Manhattan.
They care about each other.
I mean, if you were in New York
and one of your neighbors
got sick, what would you do?
So we could get the apartment.
Let s go. Hm?
Up. Up. Up.
Sarah?
Yoo-hoo.Yoo-hoo? Is she in there?
What are you doing? It s open.
And so trusting.
Roger.
Roger.
Look at this place.Wow.
Sarah? Sarah?
Roger.
Oh, Herb.
Oh, baby.WOMAN: Oh! Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Oh, make me beg! Yeah!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, I m so lucky!
No, it s them.
Uh-huh. Oh... Oh! Oh...
Oh, you re the king!
Uh-huh! Oh! Oh!
Yes! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh!
I m going up there.Why?
Roger! I want some.
Roger.
Roger.
Shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
Baby, grab me some nachos.SARAH: Yes, dear.
We should get out of here.
Shh.
What s this?
Ooh.
Roger, put it down.What? Oh, come on. Shh.
Roger.Why does it say Sarah?
Roger, you should put
it down now.
Let s get out of here.This isn t our house.
Oh, stop.
Would you just quit?
We have to, Roger.
For God s sake,
we re trespassing.
We have
to get out of here.
Okay, let s try
and use this.
We have to go.
She s coming.
She s coming.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
I m so embarrassed.
I m mortified.
I m famished.
Oh! Ooh!
Bobbie.Yeah?
Are you making anthrax?
Excuse me.
I ve been busy.
My new book.
But can t you hire someone
to clean?
Someone brave?
Dave says I got to do it myself,
like Sarah Sunderson.
Ooh, could you believe her?
But, darling,
her home is spotless.
And she s having
incredible sex
in the middle of the day
with her husband.
Well, I m sorry,
but my shrink says
I need creative chaos.
My therapist says
I need boundaries.
My doctor
said I need
enough electricity
to jumpstart Vegas.
Whoo!
You ever done Zoloft?
Oh! Kid stuff.
Xanax. I worship Xanax.
I m old-fashioned.
I like Prozac
with a Viagra chaser.
You re up,
and you re up!
Oh, Roger.
Viagra.
Hey, is there something
that you need to tell us?
Well...
Sharing.
Mm-hm.
Okay. Okay.
Jerry and I have been
in couple s counseling...
for over a year...
and finally...
Finally I just couldn t
take it anymore.
I howled, "You ve become
a gay Republican."
And he said,
"What s wrong with that?"
I said,
"What s wrong with that?
That s like wanting to be gay
with a bad haircut."
Exactly.
So the counselor suggested
that we move to the burbs.
To find a balance.
We moved here
as a last resort.
Court order. Don t ask.
Okay. I know
this is unthinkable,
but what if we could actually
learn how to be happy...
without Paxil
or compulsive overeating?
What if we actually gave
this whole thing a try for real,
the whole Stepford thing?
Get em. Get em.Whoo.
Hey, yeah! Only one can survive.
Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!
Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!
Zeus! Zeus!
Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!
Come on, Kresbo, baby.
Zeus! Zeus! Rip her bra off!
Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!
Yeah! Yeah!
Zeus rules the universe!
And Ted owes Walter
20 big ones!
Ah, to be a man.
Whoo!
So, Walt,
you and Stepford,
it seems like a real match.
I ll say. I mean, the town
and the houses. This place.
Well, it s like a dream.
It s like...
Like the way life
was meant to be.
And all of your wives.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
They re so... So, um...
Sweet?
Sizzling?
Super fine?
Well...
We are all so thrilled
to be here
at the Stepford Book Club,
I can t tell you.
Mm.
Now, I have just finished
the third volume
of Robert Caro s Life of Lyndon Johnson,
and I am dying
for the next installment.
Well...
That s all marvelous,
but today we are going
to discuss...
Well, it is probably
the most important book
any of us will ever read.
Yes, it is provocative,
but it is also inspiring.
The Heritage Hills Special
Edition Golden Deluxe Treasury
of Christmas Keepsakes
and Collectibles.
This book said to me,
"Let s celebrate the birth
of our Lord Jesus Christ
with yarn."
That s beautiful.
Now, Bobbie,
we all realize you re
probably feeling
a bit uncomfortable
with this week s book
because you re...
Oh, what s the word
I m looking for?
New?
Scared? Cranky?
Jewish.
Same thing.
But the Heritage Hill series
is very inclusive.
In fact, there is a whole
chapter about Hanukkah.
Oh.
I just love the chapter
on pinecones.
They re not just
for wreaths and centerpieces.
You can use pinecones to create
a very special Yuletide menorah.
Your pinecone snowman
could be Jewish.
Just add one
of those little beanies.
Or maybe I could just use
hundreds of pinecones
to spell out the words,
"Big Jew,"
in letters 15 feet tall
in the snow in my front yard.
That s a wonderful idea.
Oh, yes, yes.WOMAN 2: That s very wonderful.
Yes.WOMAN 4: She s so smart.
I love the idea of creating
a life-sized Santa Claus,
all out of pinecones.Okay, I love that.
I m going to use a pinecone in
my nativity as the baby Jesus.
And I m going to attach
a pinecone to my vibrator
and have a really
merry Christmas.
Oh...
Here comes Santa Claus,
here comes Santa Claus ♪
Right down Santa Claus Lane ♪
He s got a bag
that s filled with toys ♪
For the boys and girls again ♪
Hear those sleigh bells
jingle-jangle ♪
What a beautiful sight ♪
So jump in bed,
cover up your head ♪
Because Santa Claus
comes tonight ♪
Who? Santa Claus comes tonight ♪
Joanna, how is she
fitting in?
Well...
Okay...
I m among friends, right?
Of course.
Yeah.
So...
Joanna and I had this big talk,
and we were really open
with each other.
I mean, we really
got it all out.
And I think from now on...
...she s gonna be very,
very different.
You think Joanna s
really going to change?
Yes, I do. Absolutely.
And how long
have you been married?
Ted!
Yes.
Don t you owe Walter $20?
That s absolutely right,
I do.
Babe!
Yes, darling?
Walt, sit down.
I need 20.
You know my PIN.Of course.
She gives singles.
Ah.
Are these all
for day camp tomorrow?
I just want you
to be proud of me, honey.
Dad, watch this.
Ball.
Hm?
Aren t robots cool?
Oh, yeah.
May I speak to the man
of the house?
Snot-butt.Bugmaster Markowitz.
Stone-cold Thriller
Killer Kresbo.
Cupcakes, anyone?
Cupcakes! Cupcakes.
Hey, right on time.
Jo, these are smoking.
Why don t you make
stuff like this?
Why don t you?
Because I have a penis.
We should get moving.Yeah, we got a meeting.
At the Men s
Association.
When will you
be home, honey?
When I m home.
Call a sitter.
Bobbie,
are you sure about this?
We re not spying.
We re just visiting.
Fellas, I can t tell you
how happy we are
to welcome
all of this new blood.
You said it, Mike.MAN 2: That s right.
I love, love this space.
It s very Ralph Lauren
meets Sherlock Holmes.
To me, it says,
"I have taste and a scrotum."
Roger, you promised.What?
Whore.Bore.
Sorry.
No, no, no.
Jerry, you re gonna find
that Stepford
is very open-minded and...
Oh, yeah.
...we welcome you
and your partner,
just like
any other couple.
Absolutely. Any other.MAN 3: Of course.
That s right.Girlfriend.
Miss-- Miss Thing.
To Stepford!
Stepford!
You bet.
Yeah.
Dang it.
Come on, let s go.
You think this is all right,
sneaking around?
Add it up.
All the women around here
are perfect sex-kitten bimbos.
All the men are drooling nerds.
Doesn t that seem strange? Not to me.
Why not? I work in television.
Oh, come on.
You know, Walter,
I think Joanna is right.
I think Stepford
is the answer.
She s a great gal.Or she will be.
Come on, help me up.JOANNA: We shouldn t be here.
Oh, come on.
Don t be such a chicken.
I should be home with my cupcakes.
Why?
Because you only made
5,000 of them?
We re trespassing.Only if we get caught.
Damn, I can t see a thing.
Oh, there s the light.
There it is.
No, Bobbie.
This is like
some alien freak show.
Why? They re just
family portraits.
Yeah, that s what I said.
The lights.
We should
get out of here.
Shh!
Should we run? Shh.
Oh, my God.
Clarice?
Hi, girls!
Roger!
You scared us.
What are you doing in here? What s going on?
Do they have hookers or old Playboys
or cable porn?
Oh, please.
They barely have throw pillows.
Ooh!
They re coming.The menfolk.
Call us.
Okay.
Rog?
What was it?
Did you see anyone?
Not a soul.
But what s back here anyway,
in all of these rooms?
Storage? Sweaters?
Bodies?
Jerry.
Do you see that door
on your left?
Check it out.
Oh, boy.
Why, I can t see anything.
It s dark.
Use your flashlight.Oh.
I feel like Nancy Drew
in The Mystery of the Mid-life Crisis.
Hm. What am I looking for?
Look down.
Uh...
Jerry?
Roger!
Roger!
Bobbie.
Roger!
Bobbie?
Roger!
Roger said there was
nothing going on
at the Men s Association.
Well, then why doesn t
he answer the phone?
It s been two days.Bobbie.
Roger!
Roger!
Isn t that
his favorite shirt,
the Dolce & Gabbana?
And the Guccis.
And the Versace.Maybe he s donating them.
To what?
The gay homeless?
He loved this.
His program
from Hairspray.
Oh, my God.What is it?
Viggo.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I m Jerry Harmon, and I--
I know I m pretty new here,
but already I feel so at home.
But why did Jerry ask us
to meet him here?
Proud that I can introduce
Stepford s brand-new candidate
for state senate.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Mr. Roger Bannister.
What?
He s wonderful.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You may very well ask,
what are my qualifications
for higher office?
Well, I believe in Stepford,
America
and the power of prayer.
Values I ve discovered
thanks to my partner,
in life and in the Lord,
Jerry Harmon.
Roger. Roger.
Yes. Is there a question?
Mrs. Markowitz?
So... You...
You two are happy now?
More than ever.
Because now I know
that being gay doesn t mean
a guy has to be effeminate
or flamboyant or sensitive.
I m no sissy.
Way to go, Roger!
That s a man!
Roger?
Yes. Mrs. Walter Kresby.
Roger, I don t understand.
You were out there,
you were Roger.
And now...
Now you re different.
Your hair, your clothes.
You re like someone else.
People change.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
So that s why we have
to leave Stepford?
I m not following.
Okay.
Before... Roger was witty
and stylish and ironic.
Now he s making speeches
in a Brooks Brothers suit.
Hey, there s lots
of ways to be gay.
Don t try to make him
into a stereotype.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
Bobbie is right,
and she s leaving too.
This place
does something to people.
All of the women are always busy
and perfect and smiling,
and all of the men
are always happy.
And that s a problem
because...?
Because it s not
normal, Walter.
It s-- It s not the world.
It s not us.
And I m picking up our kids
from camp right now,
and we re getting
out of here.
With or without you.
Secure.
You ll never change,
will you?
Not really.
Open the door.
Unlock front.
And you re right.
About what?
If you re that unhappy,
then we should move.
Maybe head back
to the city.
We could leave
tomorrow.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mm.
Mm.
Huh?
What you got there? Huh?
Sweetcakes?
It s 4 a.m.
What are you up to?
Just recipes for tomorrow.
I like to get a head start.
On what?
Uh, apple pie.
Bobbie recommended it.
I ll be right up.
Walter?
Babe?
Bobbie? Bobbie!
Oh, my God.
Bobbie?
Good morning, Joanna.
Isn t it a lovely morning?
That s a pretty color.
Mom! BOY 2: Mom!
Good morning,
my precious ones.
And thank you for leaving
your requests on my e-mail.
Adam, you wanted peanut butter
and jelly, no crusts,
a Snickers bar and a Rolex.
Ben, here s
a whole-wheat burrito,
a soy protein shake
and three pieces
of German chocolate layer cake.
From scratch? Of course.
And, Max,
you get bacon,
lettuce and tomato
on a lightly-toasted
sesame seed bagel.
But what about
my action figures?
There s Mace Windu
and Amidala.
Where s Boba Fett? They were out.
Mom!
Here s $500.
All right.
Bye, Mom. Bye, Joanna.
Oh, they grow up so fast.
I think I ll have three more.
Bobbie, listen to me.
What have they done to you, huh?
What have they done to you?
Is it drugs?
Is it brainwashing?
Come on, hey, talk to me.
Of course,
but only for a minute.
Then I have to get to work on this pigsty.
Oh, my--
Coffee? No. No coffee.
Bobbie. Bobbie, last night
I went online, all right,
and I found out
that all of the women here,
they used to be big deals,
I mean, big deals.
CEOs, executives, judges.
Sarah Sunderson,
she used to run an airline.
With that perfect skin?
No. No, no, no.
She didn t used
to look like that.
None of the women did. They--Coffee?
Coffee? No. No coffee.
Bobbie. Bobbie.
This isn t you.
That s right, Joanna.
This isn t me.
It s a whole new me.
I m happy and I m healthy
because I understand
what s important in life.
Yes.
Your new book.
That s right.
That s what s important,
my new cookbook.
And my husband and my family
and making a perfect home.
It s a lesson
every gal needs to learn.
Especially you.
I m your friend, Joanna.
I m going to help you.
You need me.You stay away from me.
You re driven.
Well, sometimes.And you re selfish.
I can fix you.
I can change you.
What... have... they...
done to you?
Let s get busy.
Answer the phone.
Hello, is--?
Is this the day camp?
Oh.
Yes, this is...
This is Joanna Eberhart.
I would like to speak
to my children.
I m coming to pick them up
right now.
What?
Walter!
Walter, where are you?
I know you ve got the kids.
Pete, Kimberly!
Oh, boys.
Welcome.
Where are my children?
They re perfectly safe.
Where are my children?
You ll see them soon.
Where s Walter?
How could you do this?
Ever since we met,
you ve beaten me at everything.
You re better educated.
You re stronger,
you re faster.
You re a better dancer,
a better tennis player.
You ve always earned
at least six figures more
than I could ever dream of.
You re a better speaker,
a better executive.
You re even better at sex.
Don t deny it.
I wasn t going to.
Well, don t I get anything?
You got me.
No, I got to hold your purse.
I got to tell the kids
that you d be late again.
I got to tell the press
that you had no comment.
I got to work for you.
With me.
Under you.
All of us.
We married wonder women.
Supergirls.
Amazon queens.
Well, you know
what that makes us?
Smart, worthy, lucky.
We re the wuss.
The wind beneath your wings.
Your support system.
And we don t like it.
No, we don t.Damn right!
Man! MAN: Yeah. That s right.
And is this your answer,
to kill us?
Oh, no. Nothing like that.
We help you. We perfect you.
By turning us
into robots?
Does any fraction of these women
still exist?
Of course.
Almost everything.
Shall we show her?
Show me what?
It s a promotional thing
I ve been working on
for when we go global.
Walter, I don t think
you ve seen this.
Some guys ask,
how do we do it?
In layman s terms,
it s really pretty simple.
Come on along.
First, we take a gloomy, dissatisfied woman.
Then, in a very private experience
between husband and wife,
he gently places her in our female improvement system.
It s fully automated.
And then, abracadabra.
Her transformation begins.
First, we locate her brain.
We insert a few nanochips.
Then we program them.
Also, we add some secret, special ingredients.
To avoid any accidents,
her husband is kept at a comfortable distance.
Safety first.
Finally, we enhance her,
to fit the ideal Stepford Wife specifications.
And...
...voilà!
Everything is copasetic.
Welcome to the future.
It s a painting again.
Wha--?
I should explain.
You see,
my real name isn t Mike.
It s just a nickname
from where I used to work.
Where?
Microsoft.
NASA.
Disney.
AOL.
Is that why the women
are so slow?
Joanna.
Is this what you
really want?
Women who behave
like slaves,
women who are obsessed
with cleaning their kitchens
and doing their hair,
women who never challenge you
in any way,
women who exist only
to wait on you hand and foot?
Yeah.MAN 2: That sounds good to me.
Joanna, you re
a brilliant woman.
Surely you can appreciate,
at the very least,
the genius
of the concept.
Picture it,
if you could streamline
your spouse,
if you could overhaul
every annoying habit,
every physical flaw,
every moment of whining
and nagging and farting in bed.
Imagine...
if you could enjoy
the person you loved,
but only
at their very best.
And the only reason
for your anger,
your resentment, your rage
is really very simple.
You re furious
because we thought of it first.
While you were trying
to become men,
we decided to become gods.
Let me ask you something,
these machines,
these Stepford Wives,
can they say, "I love you"?
Mike.
Of course.
Fifty-eight languages.
But do they mean it?
Enjoy.
Oh...
Walter.
Walt.
Joanna.
Right here.
Sarah.
Claire.
Roger.
Roberta.
Who s Margo? That s my wife.
Oh, Mike!
Mike, Mike, Mike!
Mike, Mike, Mike!
Mike, Mike, Mike!
Good evening, everyone.
What a delight to see
all of our wonderful wives
and their happy, happy husbands.
Tonight is truly the highlight
of our year because tonight
we honor our very newest
citizens of Stepford.
In my opinion, they are
the cream of the crop in couple
that proudly proclaims
Stepford...
...the American way of love.
Now...
...I d like to ask my wonderful
woman, my lovely wife,
my bride, my best friend,
to join me in a glorious
midsummer night s waltz.
Aw...
Oh.MIKE: Yeah.
Oh...
Is everything perfect?
Everything.
Mike.Walter.
Darling.
My pleasure.It s an honor.
Champagne? Allow me.
Doors activate.
Welcome member 1956.
Kresby, Walter.
Entering secure area.
Warning.
Warning.
Initiating.
So, Joanna,
are you enjoying Stepford?
Oh, yes. The town
is so splendid.
Everyone is so kind.
And then, of course,
there s you.
Me?
And it s simple really.
Honey, grab me another Scotch.
Right away, dear.
Begin nanoreversal.
Begin nanoreversal.
Nanoreversal completed.
Uh! Aah!
Deleting Stepford program.
File corrupted.
Deleting vacuuming function.
Honey.
Oh, Herbert.
Restoring original personality. Deleting Stepford program.
What is this?
What am I wearing?
Mike!
Mike, there s something...
...unspeakable going on
in the ballroom.
You have to come right now.
It s an apocalypse!
What did you do to us?
Mike!
Mike! Mike!
Mike! Mike! Mike!
Men, control your wives.
Control your wives.
It s not working!
It s not working.
This is not Stepford.Mike.
Mike, what s happening?
I was in the garden,
and I was dreaming of your...
Your smile and your after-shave.
And I realized...
I can do better.
Walt.
She s not a robot.
What? MAN 2: What?
What, she s not a robot?
She never was.
Wait a second.
What?
Why not?
Because she s not
a science project.
Because I didn t marry
something from RadioShack.
That s a shame.
No.
That s a man.
I thought you were ready.
Yeah! I thought...
I thought you were ready.
I thought I knew you.
Yeah!
You re a disgrace.
To everything this town stands for.
To the future.
That s right,
that s right. Tell him.
You re gonna have
to pay for that.
Don t you touch him.
No!
Oh...
Oh...
He s a Stepford Husband?
An angel.
Now he s just...
spare parts,
thanks to you.
But what are you?
Are you a person or a machine?
I m a lady.
A real lady?
Every inch.Wait.
Wait, a real, real lady?
Are you a human being?
Yes, and I may very well be
the only decent
human being left.
In Stepford? In the world!
Oh! She s fabulous.
All of this, Mike,
the wives, Stepford,
this was all your idea?
Yes. All I wanted
was a better world.
A world where men were men
and women
were cherished and lovely.
Does anyone
have a screwdriver?
She s nuts.
A world of romance and beauty,
of tuxedos and chiffon,
a perfect world.
But you were married to a robot.
The perfect man.
And all I wanted was
to make you, all of you...
into perfect women.
We don t need to be perfect.
How could you do this to us?
Because I was just like you.
Overstressed, overbooked,
under-loved.
I was the world s foremost
brain surgeon
and genetic engineer.
I had top-secret contracts
with the Pentagon,
Apple and Mattel.
I was driven.
Exhausted.
Until late one night,
I came home to find...
...Mike.
With Patricia.
My brilliant...
blond...
...21-year-old
research assistant.
It was all so...
...ugly.
Then early the next morning,
as I gazed across
the breakfast table
at their lifeless bodies,
I thought...
"What have I done?"
But more importantly...
what I could do to make
the world more beautiful?
I had the skills.
But I needed help
to realize my larger vision.
And so I made...
...Mike.
Because he was someone
other men would listen to.
And then I asked myself,
"Where would people never notice
a town full of robots?
Connecticut."
So I decided
to turn back the clock,
to a time before overtime,
before quality time,
before women were turning
themselves into robots.
Back off! Sorry.
But why didn t you
change the men too?
That s next.
You re insane.
I m in love with a waltz
and a town...
...and a man.
So, Joanna,
you produced the hard-hitting documentary,
The Secret of the Suburbs.
And won...
Five Emmys, was it?
Oh, six.
She s shy.And so humble.
And, Bobbie, your ordeal
has lead to a bestseller.
Well, you know,
I just can t hold a grudge.
So I ve written my very first
book of poetry.
And it s all about hope
and communication
and the healing power
of love.
What is
it called?
Wait Until He s Asleep,
Then Cut It Off.
It s a page-turner.I cried.
Now, Roger, good news.
You ran and won.
You re in the state senate.
Independent.Next stop, the White House.
Yes, this country
needs highlights.
That s our hero.
And, Jo, Walter really
came through for you,
so how s your marriage now?
Is everything just, uh, perfect?
No way. But, um...
But we re doing
just great.
Because, um...
Because now,
now we know for sure
that it s not
about perfection.
Perfect--
Perfect doesn t work.
What about
all those other husbands?
Are they still angry?
Do they still want
all these women to be robots?
Of course. Men are pigs.
They re disgusting,
they re frightened,
repulsive little rodents.
But we re trying
to help them,
right, Bobbie? Right.
Yes, we re trying
to reeducate them.
And where are they?
Oh. Oh, they re
still in Stepford.
Under house arrest.
Hey, you guys.
Which aisle
is quilted paper towels?
If I don t get the right kind,
my wife s gonna kill me.
Oh, aisle three.
And I need--
No talking, keep shopping.
I would
now like to introduce
a legend in our industry.
She s the most successful
president
in the history
of our network
and for the past five years
has kept us at the very top
of the ratings.
She s our maverick,
our wild card,
and today she s gonna
take us right to the edge.
Please welcome a giant,
a genius
and the hardest-working person
- Joanna Eberhart.
Way to go, Joanna!
Thank you all so much.
Thank you.
Joanna!
That feels good,
especially coming from
such a fantastic group of people
from all across
our great nation,
our network affiliates.
Give yourselves
a great big hand.
You deserve it.
And I want
a big, fat Christmas bonus.
Just kidding, but not really
because...
I am so excited,
I am so on fire,
I am so guts-and-glory
passionate
about what I am
about to show you.
So get ready because
on Monday nights
the whole world will be watching
a man, a woman and a buzzer!
Are you ready
for the final gender challenge?
Who makes more money?
I do.
Who enters Ironman triathlons
every year and wins?
I do.
Who secretly wishes they were
married to a hot, sexy lesbian?
I do!
I do!
It s Tara!
And...
...on Thursdays...
No, this is not just a TV show.
No, this is a breakthrough,
a breakout,
a break-all-the-rules
and bring-on-the-Emmys
mega-smash!
Yes!
Can I present to you
this planet s
ultimate reality phenomenon?
I Can Do Better!
We will all be right there as happily-married couples
are flown first class to a tropical island paradise
where they will be
completely surrounded
by professional prostitutes.
And at the end of the week...
Well, let s take a peek.
Well, it s been a week,
and Hank, our personnel manager
from Omaha,
has spent the entire seven days
with Vanessa,
our call girl
and exotic dancer.
Yeah,
it s been amazing.
And I ll admit
we ve had some fun
in the hot tub and all.
But you wanna know something,
Billy?
All we did was talk...
because I love my wife...
and the only place
I want to be
is back in Omaha
with my Barbara.
Tough break, Nessa.
And Barbara, you spent Monday
with Rocky,
our bodybuilder
and male escort,
Tuesday through Thursday
with the entire cast
of the XXX film Hung Jury,
and you spent
the entire weekend with Tonkiro.
And now it s time
for the final decision.
Barbara, it s yours
to make.
Is it gonna
be Omaha?
Or "Oma-hunks"?
Well...
before I came on this show
I only had sex with one man,
and that was usually Hank.
I love Hank deeply and forever
with all my heart,
and I would never do anything
to hurt him.
But I can do better!
The battle of the sexes,
as old as time but as--
Why?
Uh...
Excuse me?
Why did you do it?
Oh, my God, it s Hank
from I Can Do Better.
Hank, everyone.
No, stop it.
I love Barbara. I had a family.
I had a life.
Hank,
I know it hurts.
Love isn t easy.
Relationships aren t easy,
not for anyone.
But now you know the truth
about Barbara,
and you are gonna move on
with your life.
And you re gonna meet
someone wonderful,
and America is gonna love you.
Yeah. I ve got a great idea
for another hot new show.
Well, tell it to us.
It s called...
Let s Kill All the Women.
He s got a gun!
Oh!
Joanna, are you all right? I am great.
Raring to go.
The police were sensational.
And not a scratch.
You haven t heard? About what?
That man, Hank.Ugh!
Right before he tried
to kill you,
he went to see his ex-wife
and five of her new boyfriends.
He did? He shot all of them.
The wife is in critical
condition,
and four of the guys
are on life support.
Tonkiro?
He s fine.
Of course.
We pay for all of their medical
treatment, every penny.
We get them
the very best therapist,
childcare, rehab,
whatever they need,
and then we fly them
to New York, first class,
for a prime-time special,
Let the Healing Begin.
You re not listening.
We can t wear this.
The lawsuits alone
may bankrupt the network.
And all your new shows,
the whole lineup,
the affiliates
won t touch them.
We have shareholders.
We can t let you
sink the network.
But we wish you
only the best.
Of course.
Thank you for being so classy
and taking this so well.
Joanna, we just wanted to say
that this is so not fair.
Goodbye, everybody!
All the best!
Jo? Mm.
Ah, Walter.
What happened?
Well, you ve had
a complete nervous collapse.
Ah...
And the doctors say
there s a lot of work to do,
but you re gonna
be just fine.
Oh, and Pete
made this for you.
Oh, that s so sweet.Isn t it?
And I wanted you to know
that the minute
I heard the news,
I called the network
and I quit.
You did that for me? Of course.
I know I was only
a vice president,
but I could never work
for those people,
not after the way
they treated you.
Oh, Walter...
And do you remember
what today is?
It s our anniversary.
Oh, Walter...
...I m so sorry.
Maybe that man
who tried to shoot me,
maybe he was right.
Maybe I ve become
the wrong kind of woman.
Maybe I ve made all
of the wrong decisions.
Could we get away
and start over?
And get it right,
our marriage?
But why are we moving? To Connecticut?
We re moving
so that we can all kick back
and have a great new life
in this beautiful new town.
Name?
Kresby.
Welcome to Stepford.Thanks.
What do you
think, guys?
Cool.
Good.
Honey?
Hello, everyone.
I m Mrs. Wellington.
Welcome to Stepford.
I m with Stepford Realty.
We spoke on the phone.
And the little ones.
I bet you re Pete.
Duh.Pete!
And he s every bit
as handsome as his dad.
Thank you.
And Kimberly, aren t you just
the cutest little bug s ear.
Bugs don t have ears.
Isn t she sassy,
and a little sad.
And this
must be Joanna.
Electroshock? But she s doing great.
Hello,
little Energizer.
The minute Walter called,
I knew this was
the perfect house for you.
It s the top of the line
here at Stepford Estates,
and it s got everything
an American family
could ever need.
And may I present to you...
Look at this.KIMBERLY: This is amazing.
...the great room.
I call it cozy.
And it s also
a smart house.
Now, this controls
the security system.
All secure.
It talks to the refrigerator.
We need juice, we need juice, we need juice.
The system also monitors
all the commodes.
Where it will test
your urine
for blood sugar,
protein and body fat.
Flush toilets.
Isn t that great,
kids?
I m gonna go
check my room.
Me too.
Now, Walter,
will you be commuting?
No.
Uh, no, Joanna and I
both left the network.
Oh, look,
it s the puppy.
Robo Rover 3000.
Come on, boy.
Come on, come on, come on.
Joanna.
The town is over 200 years old.
It was founded
by George Washington,
and Martha just loved it.
Stepford is Connecticut s
family paradise.
It has no crime,
no poverty
and no pushing.
What is that? Up on the hill?
Well, that s
our Stepford Men s Association.
Where all our wonderful guys
can get together
and stay out of our hair.
Am I right?
Where do the women go?
To the Simply Stepford Day Spa.
Good morning,
ladies.
Good morning, Claire.
I would like you all
to welcome
our newest citizen
- Joanna.
Good morning, Joanna.
Are we ready
to work out?
Oh, yes. Yes.Great.
Places and poles,
please.
Wait, you work out
dressed like this?
Well, of course.
Whatever we do, we always
want to look our very best.
I mean, why, imagine
if our husbands saw us
in worn, dark,
urban sweat clothes
with stringy hair
and almost no makeup?
Oh, good heavens!
Now,
today you are in
for a special treat
because we are working
on a series of exercises,
which I ve personally invented,
based on simple household tasks.
I call my program Clairobics.
Because her name
is Claire.
All right, now it s time
to slim and scrub.
Let s all be washing machines.
And...
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga.
Chugga-chugga-
chugga-chugga.
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-
chugga-chugga-choo.
And chugga-chugga-
chugga-chugga.
Chugga-chugga-
chugga-chugga.
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-
chugga-chugga-choo.
Come on, Joanna.
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga...
Spin cycle, ladies,
and whoosh!
And whoosh!
And whoosh!
And whoosh!
Sweet.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Who s the man?
You the man.
Thank you, dear.
Walter? MAN 2: Hey, how are ya?
Hey, how you doing? MAN 4: Walter Kresby.
Good to see you.MAN 2: Ted Van Sant.
I m Stan Peters.
Come on in, come on in.
Nice to see you.
Come on in.
Hear ye, hear ye.
Come one, come all,
and happy Fourth of July.
At 1:30 will be the children s Stars and Stripes,
face painting...
Isn t this great?
A real old-fashioned
town picnic.
Can t get this
in Manhattan.
Which is why we re gonna stay
exactly ten minutes.
We re gonna
make an appearance,
and then we re gonna
get out of here.
Kids, I m really sorry
about all of this,
but let s try
and have fun, hm?
Mom, it s a picnic.
Chill.
Go ahead, go ahead,
have fun.
Ten minutes?
Walter, you just don t get it.
These women are like
deranged-flight-attendant
friendly.
Joanna!
Here we go.
Oh, Joanna.Hello, Joanna.
Joanna, hi.
Hi, Walter.
Hi.
You look great.I love you in khakis.
They re new,
a little experiment.
Now I know why they call it
BananaRepublic.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Excuse me, ladies.
Hey! Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me
Excuse me.
Am I the only one
who finds all of this
more than
a little disturbing?
We are celebrating
our nation s birthday,
but there are almost no
African Americans,
no Native Americans,
no Asian Americans,
and... Oh, my God.
Hey, you re Joanna Eberhart.
Yes.You got such a raw deal.
Aren t you Bobbie Markowitz?
Yes.
I love your books,
especially the last one.
What was it called?
It was about your relationship
with your mother.
I Love You, But Please Die. MAN: Hey, baby. Baby.
Look what I did, look.
Happy Fourth of July, everybody.
Excuse me.
Is this guy bothering you?
Yes, he s my husband.
Hey Kresbo-Man.
Hey, Dave.How do you know each other?
Men s Association.That place.
Did you finish the laundry? No, I finished a chapter.
Did you make the sandwiches? Did you?
Where are the kids? What kids?
Our kids.Hey, are you two okay?
We re fine.
Come on,
I need a cookie.
See what I mean?
Jerry... Jerry,
it s a bake sale,
an actual bake sale.
It s like some sort
of heavenly diorama
at the Smithsonian
in the Hall of Homemakers.
Oh, no. No, stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
That is not cobbler.Roger, could we--?
Could we reel it in, like,
a couple of hundred yards?
How do you ladies
keep your figures?
Is there just a huge vat
of cobbler vomit somewhere?
But worth it? Roger.
Oh, I m sorry.
That is... This is fabulous.
Jerry thinks that I overdo,
you know, everything.
Excuse me,
um, aren t you
Roger Bannister?
The amazing architect
from The Times?
Oh, thank you.
This is Jerry Harmon.
But he s getting the help
that he needs so--
Stop it.
You stop it.
We re new.Oh, my God, Joanna Eberhart.
I love the shows.Oh, thank you.
And Bobbie Markowitz.
Love the books.
Jerry, how did this happen?
Where did you come from?
I mean, right here
in Stepford.
People.
Attention, attention,
Fourth of July funsters,
grab your partners
because it s time
for some sizzling Stepford
square dancing, so come on in.
Square dancing? Cowgirls?
We re in hell.Yee-haw.
Come on, Bobbie.
Howdy.
Howdy.
Howdy. Howdy.
Okay, everybody ready
to kick up your heels
for some barn-busting Stepford
high-stepping?
Okay.
Bow to your partners,
lose your cares ♪
Bow.
Oh.
Bow.
There you go.
Stepford stallions love their mares ♪
All men left, all men right ♪
Rope that filly,
she won t bite ♪
All join hands
and circle sweet ♪
Please your cowboy
with your feet ♪
Nice shirt, Stan.MAN: Thanks.
Yahoo!
Yee-haw! Yahoo!
Yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay,
yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay,
yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay... Honey.
Do-si-do, do-si-do,
do-si-do, do-si-do...
Whoa...... do-si-do, do-si-do...
Back up, guy.... do-si-do, do-si-do--
Jesus.
Do-do-si-do, do-si-do,
do-si-do, do-si-do.
Is she all right?
It s okay.Excuse me.
Do-si-do.
All right. Okay.
Don t try to move her.
She s drunk.
There s no need, thank you.She s blond.
Do-si-do.WALTER: Jo, you re not a doctor.
Walter,
I can take care of this. I ran a network.
Somebody call 911.MAN: Mike s here.
Mike.
Do-si-do.
Mike.
Do-si-do.
Do-si-do,
do-si-do, do-si-do.
Mike.MIKE: It s okay. I m here.
Walter, the missus.
The missus? Jo, Jo.
Walter,
what is your problem?
Excuse me.MIKE: Stand back, please.
Hey! Uh, excuse...
Excuse me.JOANNA: I can t-- Ex--
Do-si-do, do-si--
What was that?
Herb, Dave,
give me a hand, and we ll get
Sarah right into my Hummer.
Your Hummer? MAN 4: It s a sweet ride.
It s roomy.Here you go.
We need an ambulance.
You shouldn t be moving her.
She might need oxygen,
paramedics.
Everything isn t always
about you, Jo.
Walter.
She ll be fine.
It s-- It s too much sun.
She s dehydrated.
Dehydrated? Are you crazy?
Jo. I m sorry
about this, Mike.
Joanna. Joanna,
this is
a very special moment.
I would like you
to meet...
Mike Wellington.
My husband.
Oh...
And you must be
the famous Joanna.
You re even prettier
than in the newspapers.
They don t
do you justice.
Excuse me, that woman
is very sick.
Thank you. I should be going
with her.
She ll get all the help
she needs.
Trust me, little lady.
That woman had a seizure,
and she was practically
levitating.
And I have told you
five million times
I phoned Herb.
He said that Sarah is fine.
She just needed some fluids,
just like Mike said.
She was sparking, Walter.She was dancing.
Then why wasn t there
a doctor anywhere?
And why...?Shh. Kids.
Why...?
Walter!
Walter!
And why did everyone
just automatically listen
to that Mike person?
And why, why was everyone
just standing there?
You mean why weren t they
just listening to you?
That s not what I m saying! Jesus Christ, Joanna!
What? You were fired,
your kids barely know you,
and our marriage
is falling apart.
Shh! And your whole attitude
makes people
want to kill you.
It makes people
try to kill you.
That s what
we re doing here.
The people in this town
have been nothing
but friendly and welcoming
and wonderful to you.
And you ve been nothing
but snide and suspicious.
And on top of that,
at the picnic you humiliated me.
Well, I can t do it anymore.
I can t keep fighting you
for every inch of everything.
Game over.
Marriage over.Oh, no!
No!
No what?
Please don t go.
Why not? Because you re right.
Wait, I m sorry.
I don t think I heard that.
What did you just say?
I said, you re right.
About?
About everything.
Oh... About me.
Do you know why I signed on
at the network?
Because I thought
that if I was around,
I could help you
lighten up.
You did?
Yeah, I did. What was that
one show called?
I Can Do Everybody?
See, that s what I mean.
I wanted to make you laugh.
That s so sweet,
but I...
I was busy.
I was...
I was running
a network, Walter.
You were so busy that we haven t
made love in over a year.
I know.
Well, I miss you.I...
But I ve always loved you
so much. I...
You know that.
Why?
Because...
Because...
...you re goofy,
and you re...
You re handsome,
and you re... You re...
You re my Walter.
And because when
you play computer chess
you do that little, uh...
You do that little victory
dance. Whoo-whoo.
I do not. I don t do that.
Mm-hm.
Ah...
But if I m not
the smartest
and the best of the best
and the most successful,
then I don t know,
who am I?
Do you wanna find out?
How?
First of all,
we re in the country now,
so no more black.
No more black? Are you insane? You heard me.
Only high-powered,
neurotic, castrating,
Manhattan career bitches
wear black.
Is that what you wanna be?
Ever since
I was a little girl.
Do I really look okay?
Can I be honest?
Mm-hm.
You look kind of
like Betty Crocker.
I know.
We need milk.
We need milk. We need milk. Thank you.
Look, I m trying to make
an effort to change.
I mean, last night my husband
was a different person.
He was strong, he was forceful,
he was commanding.
Like your refrigerator.
Well, nobody said it was gonna
be easy being a homemaker
and a stay-at-home mom.
It s the toughest job
in the world, right?
Well, that may be,
but these Stepford women,
they re a whole
other dimension.
Oh, like yesterday,
that poor lady,
Sarah Sunderson.
Walter said she s fine.
But you said she was shooting
off sparks from her ears.
Now, that s the first sign.
Of what? Cheap jewelry.
We should go see her.Why?
Because we need to be
supportive.
That s how people behave
outside of Manhattan.
They care about each other.
I mean, if you were in New York
and one of your neighbors
got sick, what would you do?
So we could get the apartment.
Let s go. Hm?
Up. Up. Up.
Sarah?
Yoo-hoo.Yoo-hoo? Is she in there?
What are you doing? It s open.
And so trusting.
Roger.
Roger.
Look at this place.Wow.
Sarah? Sarah?
Roger.
Oh, Herb.
Oh, baby.WOMAN: Oh! Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Oh, make me beg! Yeah!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, I m so lucky!
No, it s them.
Uh-huh. Oh... Oh! Oh...
Oh, you re the king!
Uh-huh! Oh! Oh!
Yes! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh!
I m going up there.Why?
Roger! I want some.
Roger.
Roger.
Shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
Baby, grab me some nachos.SARAH: Yes, dear.
We should get out of here.
Shh.
What s this?
Ooh.
Roger, put it down.What? Oh, come on. Shh.
Roger.Why does it say Sarah?
Roger, you should put
it down now.
Let s get out of here.This isn t our house.
Oh, stop.
Would you just quit?
We have to, Roger.
For God s sake,
we re trespassing.
We have
to get out of here.
Okay, let s try
and use this.
We have to go.
She s coming.
She s coming.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
I m so embarrassed.
I m mortified.
I m famished.
Oh! Ooh!
Bobbie.Yeah?
Are you making anthrax?
Excuse me.
I ve been busy.
My new book.
But can t you hire someone
to clean?
Someone brave?
Dave says I got to do it myself,
like Sarah Sunderson.
Ooh, could you believe her?
But, darling,
her home is spotless.
And she s having
incredible sex
in the middle of the day
with her husband.
Well, I m sorry,
but my shrink says
I need creative chaos.
My therapist says
I need boundaries.
My doctor
said I need
enough electricity
to jumpstart Vegas.
Whoo!
You ever done Zoloft?
Oh! Kid stuff.
Xanax. I worship Xanax.
I m old-fashioned.
I like Prozac
with a Viagra chaser.
You re up,
and you re up!
Oh, Roger.
Viagra.
Hey, is there something
that you need to tell us?
Well...
Sharing.
Mm-hm.
Okay. Okay.
Jerry and I have been
in couple s counseling...
for over a year...
and finally...
Finally I just couldn t
take it anymore.
I howled, "You ve become
a gay Republican."
And he said,
"What s wrong with that?"
I said,
"What s wrong with that?
That s like wanting to be gay
with a bad haircut."
Exactly.
So the counselor suggested
that we move to the burbs.
To find a balance.
We moved here
as a last resort.
Court order. Don t ask.
Okay. I know
this is unthinkable,
but what if we could actually
learn how to be happy...
without Paxil
or compulsive overeating?
What if we actually gave
this whole thing a try for real,
the whole Stepford thing?
Get em. Get em.Whoo.
Hey, yeah! Only one can survive.
Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!
Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!
Zeus! Zeus!
Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!
Come on, Kresbo, baby.
Zeus! Zeus! Rip her bra off!
Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!
Yeah! Yeah!
Zeus rules the universe!
And Ted owes Walter
20 big ones!
Ah, to be a man.
Whoo!
So, Walt,
you and Stepford,
it seems like a real match.
I ll say. I mean, the town
and the houses. This place.
Well, it s like a dream.
It s like...
Like the way life
was meant to be.
And all of your wives.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
They re so... So, um...
Sweet?
Sizzling?
Super fine?
Well...
We are all so thrilled
to be here
at the Stepford Book Club,
I can t tell you.
Mm.
Now, I have just finished
the third volume
of Robert Caro s Life of Lyndon Johnson,
and I am dying
for the next installment.
Well...
That s all marvelous,
but today we are going
to discuss...
Well, it is probably
the most important book
any of us will ever read.
Yes, it is provocative,
but it is also inspiring.
The Heritage Hills Special
Edition Golden Deluxe Treasury
of Christmas Keepsakes
and Collectibles.
This book said to me,
"Let s celebrate the birth
of our Lord Jesus Christ
with yarn."
That s beautiful.
Now, Bobbie,
we all realize you re
probably feeling
a bit uncomfortable
with this week s book
because you re...
Oh, what s the word
I m looking for?
New?
Scared? Cranky?
Jewish.
Same thing.
But the Heritage Hill series
is very inclusive.
In fact, there is a whole
chapter about Hanukkah.
Oh.
I just love the chapter
on pinecones.
They re not just
for wreaths and centerpieces.
You can use pinecones to create
a very special Yuletide menorah.
Your pinecone snowman
could be Jewish.
Just add one
of those little beanies.
Or maybe I could just use
hundreds of pinecones
to spell out the words,
"Big Jew,"
in letters 15 feet tall
in the snow in my front yard.
That s a wonderful idea.
Oh, yes, yes.WOMAN 2: That s very wonderful.
Yes.WOMAN 4: She s so smart.
I love the idea of creating
a life-sized Santa Claus,
all out of pinecones.Okay, I love that.
I m going to use a pinecone in
my nativity as the baby Jesus.
And I m going to attach
a pinecone to my vibrator
and have a really
merry Christmas.
Oh...
Here comes Santa Claus,
here comes Santa Claus ♪
Right down Santa Claus Lane ♪
He s got a bag
that s filled with toys ♪
For the boys and girls again ♪
Hear those sleigh bells
jingle-jangle ♪
What a beautiful sight ♪
So jump in bed,
cover up your head ♪
Because Santa Claus
comes tonight ♪
Who? Santa Claus comes tonight ♪
Joanna, how is she
fitting in?
Well...
Okay...
I m among friends, right?
Of course.
Yeah.
So...
Joanna and I had this big talk,
and we were really open
with each other.
I mean, we really
got it all out.
And I think from now on...
...she s gonna be very,
very different.
You think Joanna s
really going to change?
Yes, I do. Absolutely.
And how long
have you been married?
Ted!
Yes.
Don t you owe Walter $20?
That s absolutely right,
I do.
Babe!
Yes, darling?
Walt, sit down.
I need 20.
You know my PIN.Of course.
She gives singles.
Ah.
Are these all
for day camp tomorrow?
I just want you
to be proud of me, honey.
Dad, watch this.
Ball.
Hm?
Aren t robots cool?
Oh, yeah.
May I speak to the man
of the house?
Snot-butt.Bugmaster Markowitz.
Stone-cold Thriller
Killer Kresbo.
Cupcakes, anyone?
Cupcakes! Cupcakes.
Hey, right on time.
Jo, these are smoking.
Why don t you make
stuff like this?
Why don t you?
Because I have a penis.
We should get moving.Yeah, we got a meeting.
At the Men s
Association.
When will you
be home, honey?
When I m home.
Call a sitter.
Bobbie,
are you sure about this?
We re not spying.
We re just visiting.
Fellas, I can t tell you
how happy we are
to welcome
all of this new blood.
You said it, Mike.MAN 2: That s right.
I love, love this space.
It s very Ralph Lauren
meets Sherlock Holmes.
To me, it says,
"I have taste and a scrotum."
Roger, you promised.What?
Whore.Bore.
Sorry.
No, no, no.
Jerry, you re gonna find
that Stepford
is very open-minded and...
Oh, yeah.
...we welcome you
and your partner,
just like
any other couple.
Absolutely. Any other.MAN 3: Of course.
That s right.Girlfriend.
Miss-- Miss Thing.
To Stepford!
Stepford!
You bet.
Yeah.
Dang it.
Come on, let s go.
You think this is all right,
sneaking around?
Add it up.
All the women around here
are perfect sex-kitten bimbos.
All the men are drooling nerds.
Doesn t that seem strange? Not to me.
Why not? I work in television.
Oh, come on.
You know, Walter,
I think Joanna is right.
I think Stepford
is the answer.
She s a great gal.Or she will be.
Come on, help me up.JOANNA: We shouldn t be here.
Oh, come on.
Don t be such a chicken.
I should be home with my cupcakes.
Why?
Because you only made
5,000 of them?
We re trespassing.Only if we get caught.
Damn, I can t see a thing.
Oh, there s the light.
There it is.
No, Bobbie.
This is like
some alien freak show.
Why? They re just
family portraits.
Yeah, that s what I said.
The lights.
We should
get out of here.
Shh!
Should we run? Shh.
Oh, my God.
Clarice?
Hi, girls!
Roger!
You scared us.
What are you doing in here? What s going on?
Do they have hookers or old Playboys
or cable porn?
Oh, please.
They barely have throw pillows.
Ooh!
They re coming.The menfolk.
Call us.
Okay.
Rog?
What was it?
Did you see anyone?
Not a soul.
But what s back here anyway,
in all of these rooms?
Storage? Sweaters?
Bodies?
Jerry.
Do you see that door
on your left?
Check it out.
Oh, boy.
Why, I can t see anything.
It s dark.
Use your flashlight.Oh.
I feel like Nancy Drew
in The Mystery of the Mid-life Crisis.
Hm. What am I looking for?
Look down.
Uh...
Jerry?
Roger!
Roger!
Bobbie.
Roger!
Bobbie?
Roger!
Roger said there was
nothing going on
at the Men s Association.
Well, then why doesn t
he answer the phone?
It s been two days.Bobbie.
Roger!
Roger!
Isn t that
his favorite shirt,
the Dolce & Gabbana?
And the Guccis.
And the Versace.Maybe he s donating them.
To what?
The gay homeless?
He loved this.
His program
from Hairspray.
Oh, my God.What is it?
Viggo.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I m Jerry Harmon, and I--
I know I m pretty new here,
but already I feel so at home.
But why did Jerry ask us
to meet him here?
Proud that I can introduce
Stepford s brand-new candidate
for state senate.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Mr. Roger Bannister.
What?
He s wonderful.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You may very well ask,
what are my qualifications
for higher office?
Well, I believe in Stepford,
America
and the power of prayer.
Values I ve discovered
thanks to my partner,
in life and in the Lord,
Jerry Harmon.
Roger. Roger.
Yes. Is there a question?
Mrs. Markowitz?
So... You...
You two are happy now?
More than ever.
Because now I know
that being gay doesn t mean
a guy has to be effeminate
or flamboyant or sensitive.
I m no sissy.
Way to go, Roger!
That s a man!
Roger?
Yes. Mrs. Walter Kresby.
Roger, I don t understand.
You were out there,
you were Roger.
And now...
Now you re different.
Your hair, your clothes.
You re like someone else.
People change.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
You can t stop Stepford.
So that s why we have
to leave Stepford?
I m not following.
Okay.
Before... Roger was witty
and stylish and ironic.
Now he s making speeches
in a Brooks Brothers suit.
Hey, there s lots
of ways to be gay.
Don t try to make him
into a stereotype.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
Bobbie is right,
and she s leaving too.
This place
does something to people.
All of the women are always busy
and perfect and smiling,
and all of the men
are always happy.
And that s a problem
because...?
Because it s not
normal, Walter.
It s-- It s not the world.
It s not us.
And I m picking up our kids
from camp right now,
and we re getting
out of here.
With or without you.
Secure.
You ll never change,
will you?
Not really.
Open the door.
Unlock front.
And you re right.
About what?
If you re that unhappy,
then we should move.
Maybe head back
to the city.
We could leave
tomorrow.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mm.
Mm.
Huh?
What you got there? Huh?
Sweetcakes?
It s 4 a.m.
What are you up to?
Just recipes for tomorrow.
I like to get a head start.
On what?
Uh, apple pie.
Bobbie recommended it.
I ll be right up.
Walter?
Babe?
Bobbie? Bobbie!
Oh, my God.
Bobbie?
Good morning, Joanna.
Isn t it a lovely morning?
That s a pretty color.
Mom! BOY 2: Mom!
Good morning,
my precious ones.
And thank you for leaving
your requests on my e-mail.
Adam, you wanted peanut butter
and jelly, no crusts,
a Snickers bar and a Rolex.
Ben, here s
a whole-wheat burrito,
a soy protein shake
and three pieces
of German chocolate layer cake.
From scratch? Of course.
And, Max,
you get bacon,
lettuce and tomato
on a lightly-toasted
sesame seed bagel.
But what about
my action figures?
There s Mace Windu
and Amidala.
Where s Boba Fett? They were out.
Mom!
Here s $500.
All right.
Bye, Mom. Bye, Joanna.
Oh, they grow up so fast.
I think I ll have three more.
Bobbie, listen to me.
What have they done to you, huh?
What have they done to you?
Is it drugs?
Is it brainwashing?
Come on, hey, talk to me.
Of course,
but only for a minute.
Then I have to get to work on this pigsty.
Oh, my--
Coffee? No. No coffee.
Bobbie. Bobbie, last night
I went online, all right,
and I found out
that all of the women here,
they used to be big deals,
I mean, big deals.
CEOs, executives, judges.
Sarah Sunderson,
she used to run an airline.
With that perfect skin?
No. No, no, no.
She didn t used
to look like that.
None of the women did. They--Coffee?
Coffee? No. No coffee.
Bobbie. Bobbie.
This isn t you.
That s right, Joanna.
This isn t me.
It s a whole new me.
I m happy and I m healthy
because I understand
what s important in life.
Yes.
Your new book.
That s right.
That s what s important,
my new cookbook.
And my husband and my family
and making a perfect home.
It s a lesson
every gal needs to learn.
Especially you.
I m your friend, Joanna.
I m going to help you.
You need me.You stay away from me.
You re driven.
Well, sometimes.And you re selfish.
I can fix you.
I can change you.
What... have... they...
done to you?
Let s get busy.
Answer the phone.
Hello, is--?
Is this the day camp?
Oh.
Yes, this is...
This is Joanna Eberhart.
I would like to speak
to my children.
I m coming to pick them up
right now.
What?
Walter!
Walter, where are you?
I know you ve got the kids.
Pete, Kimberly!
Oh, boys.
Welcome.
Where are my children?
They re perfectly safe.
Where are my children?
You ll see them soon.
Where s Walter?
How could you do this?
Ever since we met,
you ve beaten me at everything.
You re better educated.
You re stronger,
you re faster.
You re a better dancer,
a better tennis player.
You ve always earned
at least six figures more
than I could ever dream of.
You re a better speaker,
a better executive.
You re even better at sex.
Don t deny it.
I wasn t going to.
Well, don t I get anything?
You got me.
No, I got to hold your purse.
I got to tell the kids
that you d be late again.
I got to tell the press
that you had no comment.
I got to work for you.
With me.
Under you.
All of us.
We married wonder women.
Supergirls.
Amazon queens.
Well, you know
what that makes us?
Smart, worthy, lucky.
We re the wuss.
The wind beneath your wings.
Your support system.
And we don t like it.
No, we don t.Damn right!
Man! MAN: Yeah. That s right.
And is this your answer,
to kill us?
Oh, no. Nothing like that.
We help you. We perfect you.
By turning us
into robots?
Does any fraction of these women
still exist?
Of course.
Almost everything.
Shall we show her?
Show me what?
It s a promotional thing
I ve been working on
for when we go global.
Walter, I don t think
you ve seen this.
Some guys ask,
how do we do it?
In layman s terms,
it s really pretty simple.
Come on along.
First, we take a gloomy, dissatisfied woman.
Then, in a very private experience
between husband and wife,
he gently places her in our female improvement system.
It s fully automated.
And then, abracadabra.
Her transformation begins.
First, we locate her brain.
We insert a few nanochips.
Then we program them.
Also, we add some secret, special ingredients.
To avoid any accidents,
her husband is kept at a comfortable distance.
Safety first.
Finally, we enhance her,
to fit the ideal Stepford Wife specifications.
And...
...voilà!
Everything is copasetic.
Welcome to the future.
It s a painting again.
Wha--?
I should explain.
You see,
my real name isn t Mike.
It s just a nickname
from where I used to work.
Where?
Microsoft.
NASA.
Disney.
AOL.
Is that why the women
are so slow?
Joanna.
Is this what you
really want?
Women who behave
like slaves,
women who are obsessed
with cleaning their kitchens
and doing their hair,
women who never challenge you
in any way,
women who exist only
to wait on you hand and foot?
Yeah.MAN 2: That sounds good to me.
Joanna, you re
a brilliant woman.
Surely you can appreciate,
at the very least,
the genius
of the concept.
Picture it,
if you could streamline
your spouse,
if you could overhaul
every annoying habit,
every physical flaw,
every moment of whining
and nagging and farting in bed.
Imagine...
if you could enjoy
the person you loved,
but only
at their very best.
And the only reason
for your anger,
your resentment, your rage
is really very simple.
You re furious
because we thought of it first.
While you were trying
to become men,
we decided to become gods.
Let me ask you something,
these machines,
these Stepford Wives,
can they say, "I love you"?
Mike.
Of course.
Fifty-eight languages.
But do they mean it?
Enjoy.
Oh...
Walter.
Walt.
Joanna.
Right here.
Sarah.
Claire.
Roger.
Roberta.
Who s Margo? That s my wife.
Oh, Mike!
Mike, Mike, Mike!
Mike, Mike, Mike!
Mike, Mike, Mike!
Good evening, everyone.
What a delight to see
all of our wonderful wives
and their happy, happy husbands.
Tonight is truly the highlight
of our year because tonight
we honor our very newest
citizens of Stepford.
In my opinion, they are
the cream of the crop in couple
that proudly proclaims
Stepford...
...the American way of love.
Now...
...I d like to ask my wonderful
woman, my lovely wife,
my bride, my best friend,
to join me in a glorious
midsummer night s waltz.
Aw...
Oh.MIKE: Yeah.
Oh...
Is everything perfect?
Everything.
Mike.Walter.
Darling.
My pleasure.It s an honor.
Champagne? Allow me.
Doors activate.
Welcome member 1956.
Kresby, Walter.
Entering secure area.
Warning.
Warning.
Initiating.
So, Joanna,
are you enjoying Stepford?
Oh, yes. The town
is so splendid.
Everyone is so kind.
And then, of course,
there s you.
Me?
And it s simple really.
Honey, grab me another Scotch.
Right away, dear.
Begin nanoreversal.
Begin nanoreversal.
Nanoreversal completed.
Uh! Aah!
Deleting Stepford program.
File corrupted.
Deleting vacuuming function.
Honey.
Oh, Herbert.
Restoring original personality. Deleting Stepford program.
What is this?
What am I wearing?
Mike!
Mike, there s something...
...unspeakable going on
in the ballroom.
You have to come right now.
It s an apocalypse!
What did you do to us?
Mike!
Mike! Mike!
Mike! Mike! Mike!
Men, control your wives.
Control your wives.
It s not working!
It s not working.
This is not Stepford.Mike.
Mike, what s happening?
I was in the garden,
and I was dreaming of your...
Your smile and your after-shave.
And I realized...
I can do better.
Walt.
She s not a robot.
What? MAN 2: What?
What, she s not a robot?
She never was.
Wait a second.
What?
Why not?
Because she s not
a science project.
Because I didn t marry
something from RadioShack.
That s a shame.
No.
That s a man.
I thought you were ready.
Yeah! I thought...
I thought you were ready.
I thought I knew you.
Yeah!
You re a disgrace.
To everything this town stands for.
To the future.
That s right,
that s right. Tell him.
You re gonna have
to pay for that.
Don t you touch him.
No!
Oh...
Oh...
He s a Stepford Husband?
An angel.
Now he s just...
spare parts,
thanks to you.
But what are you?
Are you a person or a machine?
I m a lady.
A real lady?
Every inch.Wait.
Wait, a real, real lady?
Are you a human being?
Yes, and I may very well be
the only decent
human being left.
In Stepford? In the world!
Oh! She s fabulous.
All of this, Mike,
the wives, Stepford,
this was all your idea?
Yes. All I wanted
was a better world.
A world where men were men
and women
were cherished and lovely.
Does anyone
have a screwdriver?
She s nuts.
A world of romance and beauty,
of tuxedos and chiffon,
a perfect world.
But you were married to a robot.
The perfect man.
And all I wanted was
to make you, all of you...
into perfect women.
We don t need to be perfect.
How could you do this to us?
Because I was just like you.
Overstressed, overbooked,
under-loved.
I was the world s foremost
brain surgeon
and genetic engineer.
I had top-secret contracts
with the Pentagon,
Apple and Mattel.
I was driven.
Exhausted.
Until late one night,
I came home to find...
...Mike.
With Patricia.
My brilliant...
blond...
...21-year-old
research assistant.
It was all so...
...ugly.
Then early the next morning,
as I gazed across
the breakfast table
at their lifeless bodies,
I thought...
"What have I done?"
But more importantly...
what I could do to make
the world more beautiful?
I had the skills.
But I needed help
to realize my larger vision.
And so I made...
...Mike.
Because he was someone
other men would listen to.
And then I asked myself,
"Where would people never notice
a town full of robots?
Connecticut."
So I decided
to turn back the clock,
to a time before overtime,
before quality time,
before women were turning
themselves into robots.
Back off! Sorry.
But why didn t you
change the men too?
That s next.
You re insane.
I m in love with a waltz
and a town...
...and a man.
So, Joanna,
you produced the hard-hitting documentary,
The Secret of the Suburbs.
And won...
Five Emmys, was it?
Oh, six.
She s shy.And so humble.
And, Bobbie, your ordeal
has lead to a bestseller.
Well, you know,
I just can t hold a grudge.
So I ve written my very first
book of poetry.
And it s all about hope
and communication
and the healing power
of love.
What is
it called?
Wait Until He s Asleep,
Then Cut It Off.
It s a page-turner.I cried.
Now, Roger, good news.
You ran and won.
You re in the state senate.
Independent.Next stop, the White House.
Yes, this country
needs highlights.
That s our hero.
And, Jo, Walter really
came through for you,
so how s your marriage now?
Is everything just, uh, perfect?
No way. But, um...
But we re doing
just great.
Because, um...
Because now,
now we know for sure
that it s not
about perfection.
Perfect--
Perfect doesn t work.
What about
all those other husbands?
Are they still angry?
Do they still want
all these women to be robots?
Of course. Men are pigs.
They re disgusting,
they re frightened,
repulsive little rodents.
But we re trying
to help them,
right, Bobbie? Right.
Yes, we re trying
to reeducate them.
And where are they?
Oh. Oh, they re
still in Stepford.
Under house arrest.
Hey, you guys.
Which aisle
is quilted paper towels?
If I don t get the right kind,
my wife s gonna kill me.
Oh, aisle three.
And I need--
No talking, keep shopping.