The Statue (1971) - full transcript

(dramatic music)

(loud rumbling)

(repeated chiming)

(upbeat music)

- And here at the United
Nations building in New York

a special session of the
subcommittee on education.

Delegates from all the
nations of the world

gathered together to
watch Unispeak in action.

Young people of different
races and nationalities

no longer divided by the
artificial barrier of language.

For the first time speaking
together with one tongue.



(speaking in foreign language)

(loud applause)

- Perhaps I should translate.

- Alex Bolt.

The hitherto unknown
English professor

whose years of research
gave birth to Unispeak.

This entirely new language.

- We bring you a
message in Unispeak

from all the young
people of the world.

Now that we have got rid of
our differences in language

we find that all our
other differences

are also on the way out.

We hope that Unispeak
will do the same for you

as soon as possible.



Thank you.

- While the formal
acknowledgements are being made

over by communication satellite

to the United States
embassy in London

and an interview
recorded earlier today

with Unispeak's most
devoted advocate

the United States Ambassador
to the Court of St James.

His Excellency
Raymond L Whitely.

- Thank you.

Unispeak has to be
the most exciting

communications
breakthrough of our time

and I am proud to have
played a major part

in separating the UN
from some of its monies

to set up the
Unispeak Foundation.

Here in London, just
off Grosvenor Square,

young people from all
over the world are coming

for the special 10 week
course of instruction.

- Within five years Greek will
be conversing with Spaniard,

Turk with Congolese,
Japanese with Russian.

Even perhaps American
with English.

- What kind of man is he?

This modest assistant professor
of linguistic anthropology?

We spoke with his wife.

- Rhonda Bolt.

Internationally
acclaimed sculptress.

How do her husband's world
and her world connect?

- About two days
every six months.

That's how it's been since
he started with Unispeak.

- But there is a
connecting point.

This massive sculpture was
especially commissioned

from Rhonda Bolt to stand
in Grosvenor Square.

To commemorate the setting up
of the Unispeak Foundation.

It is, I suppose, a
symbolic representation

of the whole Unispeak concept?

- That's a good suppose.

- Which, if I may
now unveil, for--

- Uh uh uh.

Bad suppose.

No one sees that until it's
up in Grosvenor Square.

And the first camera peaks
under there I cut off the lens.

- There's been a surprise
interruption here.

I'm sorry to cut short that
recorded interview but,

just a moment.

- The Swedish delegation
has just received

the following cable.

For his exceptional contribution
towards helping nation

speak peace unto nation,
Professor Alexander Bolt awarded

special Nobel prize.

(loud applause)

- Oh my God, the Nobel prize.

Oh it's like a dream, he's
never won anything before.

Even in a raffle.

- No man was ever a
more worthy recipient.

No man has ever done
more to deserve it.

Why do I always look
like I need to shave?

Well.

It didn't hurt Nixon any.

Ultimately.

Rhonda come on let me
have one little look.

- [Rhonda] No, this
is thank you for Alex.

- Oh wait now my state
department paid for it.

$50,000.

- Still cheaper than a war.
- Ah!

- At the official unveiling,
that's when you'll see it.

- Well suppose I make a guess

and you can say whether
I'm warm or cold.

- No, Yankee go home.

(sweeping music)

(knocking at door)

Who is it?

- [Woman] It's Dunhill madam.

- Just a minute.

- Oh you've unwrapped it.

Why it's Mr Alex.

Oh!

(upbeat music)

- Mr Bolt.

Is it true that you gave the
President Unispeak lessons?

- Well I taught him one
or two useful phrases.

- [Man] Such as?

(speaking in foreign language)

- [Man] Meaning?

- Meaning no comment.

- Is there anything
you don't do for him?

- He brushes his own teeth.

- Maybe I should write
a story around you.

How it feels to be

a Nobel Prize winner's
faithful assistant.

- There are worse trades.

- How long have you been
faithfully assisting?

- 11 years.

- Through thick and thin
and rough and smooth.

- Man and beast.

Now, from now to the
unveiling ceremony

that's all your
appointments canceled.

(Alex groans)

And it's the words of gratitude

that makes the whole
thing so worthwhile.

- [Man] Have you got a
publisher yet Mr Bolt?

(people shouting
over each other)

- [Man] Mr Bolt can you
tell us anything about

your wife's new sculpture?

- Oh all I know
about modern art is

if you can hang it on
the wall it's a painting.

If you can walk around
it it's a sculpture.

Hey just a minute do
you plan to follow me

all the way to my bedroom?

- When we do a story
we do it in depth.

- What's Time Magazine got
that the others haven't?

- A cover.

(speaking in foreign language)

- And still can't make
up her mind what to wear.

You see Rhonda's been up
since six this morning

getting herself ready.

- [Reporter] I've been trying
to figure out where he's from.

- Joachim, oh he's one
of our star pupils.

Came to us from Central
Paraguay, from the jungle.

Learned Unispeak in six weeks.

When he first arrived
he could hardly grunt.

(car brakes squealing loudly)

(speaking in foreign language)

Post-graduate stuff.

(rhythmic music)

♪ Charlie

♪ I'd like to know Charlie

♪ A fellow like Charlie

♪ Is so hard to find

♪ Charlie

♪ He looks like a statue

♪ When he's looking at you

♪ You're out of your mind

♪ With a built up reputation

♪ He's the idol of the nation

♪ Sex can be a new sensation

♪ When it's not too plain

♪ He's the latest
pride of darkness ♪

♪ Full of pluck and
full of fondness ♪

♪ He's not easy to discover

♪ He's got more than any other

♪ What a guy and what a lover

♪ Charlie

♪ If you can produce him

♪ Then please introduce him

♪ And give him my key

- Oh Grosvenor Square.

Now that's where the
sculpture's going to be.

Right opposite the
statue of Roosevelt.

- Now why are we stopping?

- The American embassy.

Well Ray Whiteley's office.

I thought you might like
to pop in to say hello.

Ambassador Whitely is
Unispeak's number one booster.

A most passionate champion.

- Yes you're quite
right but not now.

I want to get home to Rhonda.

Joachim.

Car's a tally-ho.

♪ He looks like a statue

♪ When he's looking at you

♪ You're out of your mind

- It's happening Chuck.

It's all going to happen.

- Jubilation time.

- You bet your Boston Irish ass.

All the work I've put in
on this Unispeak crap.

This could be the
best new hustle

since ecology-pollution.

The young vote.

- Could carry man, clear
through to the White House.

- If called, I will serve.

- I heard from that
Southwick lady.

Green light.

- All right, fix it for me

at that Anglo-American
friendship luncheon.

- At the Hilton?

- Book a room, thank you.

In your name.

- Again?

I'm getting known
as the village stud.

- Better you than me.

- If called he will serve.

(whistles Hail to the Chief)

- [Alex] I'm going to
have a nice long rest.

- [Woman] You do that.

(speaking in foreign language)

Have fun.

- Ah Dunhill, how
nice to see you again.

- Huh.

Hmm.

- Must be having the change.

(romantic music)

Darling I'm home.

Put on the black one.

(speaking in foreign language)

- I hope that means
let's go to bed.

- That's exactly what it means.

- [Rhonda] First the statue.

- [Alex] What statue?

- What statue?

- Oh the statue!

Oh I can't wait to see it.

- And then we go to bed.

Violently.

- [Alex] In depth.

- [Rhonda] Come on darling.

- Oh, oh yes.

Oh yes.

Oh that says community,
that says understanding.

- That says an eagle.

- Oh that says eagle--
- Oh I'm glad

because that says a statue.

- It's me!

Oh my God!

- [Rhonda] It is
my tribute to you.

- Tribute?

- You don't like it.

- Well it's nothing to do
with that it's just that.

Oh.

But you were asked
to design something

to symbolize Unispeak,
a new language, not.

Not middle-aged Peter
Pan looking for the soap.

- But darling Unispeak is you.

- In the nude?

- Oh that's it.

That's the real objection.

- And why not!

For months, for years,

I've been trying to
persuade the world

that Unispeak is not
just another short-cut
to pot and sex.

And now Unispeak's
founder exhibiting himself

all over Grosvenor Square.

Flashing it at
the tourist buses.

- The male body has been
a subject for sculpture

ever since, since always.

- All right then use the body

but put somebody
else's head on it.

Don't you see--

- I see.

You are a pissy English man.

- The word is prissy.

- Words are your
business, mine is marble.

- Rhonda.

Look, darling.

I don't want to hurt
you, I admire you.

And although it's now
certain that I shall be

sleeping in the guest room.

- Mm hmm.

- Mm hmm.

I love you but I will not, I
repeat not allow that thing

to go on public exhibition
in Grosvenor Square.

- You've got nothing
to not allow.

The statue is the property
of the American government.

Grosvenor Square is
the property of the,

whoever owns Grosvenor Square.

- Rhonda!

As your husband for
10 years now please.

- As an artist for 15 years, no.

- Dammit the thing's gonna
make you into a laughing stock.

Look at it, look
at it objectively.

A socking great nude
statue of your own husband.

How corny can you get?

- My sculpture is corny?

- As Kansas in August.

(shouting in foreign language)

An injunction.

That's what I want today.

Any legal mumbo jumbo
that will prevent them

from putting that
statue on display.

- [Man] Out of the question.

- Out of the question?

- We should have to prove

that the statue is
in a way defamatory.

In other words, that it exposes
you to dishonor or contempt.

Well.

With a work by Rhonda Bolt.

- More likely to evoke
admiration than disparagement.

- But Sir Geoffrey she's
got me there naked.

- The statue, dear boy.

- A world of difference.
- In court.

- Making it stand up.

- If a sculptress of
Rhonda's standing,

internationally respected and
of unquestionable integrity.

If such an artist chooses
to represent her theme

in terms of the
naked human form.

- It's not the human naked
form it's my human naked form.

Look.

What would happen if I
went into Grosvenor Square

and stood there
with no clothes on.

- [Man] You'd be
run out dear boy.

- Pretty smartish.

Indecency.

- Yet a copy of me 30 feet high

with everything twice the size
can stand up there floodlit.

You call that logic?

- We're not dealing
with logic dear boy.

Just the law.

One can only suggest that
it might have been advisable

not to have posed for the
work in the first place.

- But I didn't pose for it.

Bloody idiot lawyers.

Harry you and I
worked so closely

on the communications theory
build up for Unispeak,

now help me with this.

I've got to talk to someone.

- Not me Alex, please.

You know the one
thing I can't stand

is getting involved with
people's emotional problems.

- But you're a psychiatrist.

- Don't throw that in my face!

- [Alex] You've got an
honors degree in psychiatry,

you studied psychiatry
at the Tavistock clinic.

- Only to get into advertising.

Consumer psychology.

Sales motivation.

Nothing thank God
to do with people.

The only time anyone
ever lies on that couch

is when I stretch
out alongside her

so please Alex no
consultation situations.

I get uncomfortable.

- [Alex] All right
then, as my friend.

Who else can I turn to?

What's a man's best friend for?

- Traditionally
to make his wife.

All right.

You don't fancy
your fair white body

being put on public display.

Why not?

- Because the idea revolts me.

Am I being irrational?

Does that show some personality
defect of ego fashion?

- Don't start that
psychiatry jargon.

You don't like the idea because
you don't like the idea.

That's reasonable.

So tell Rhonda if she goes
ahead you'll clobber her.

- Clobber her physically?

- No with a ray-gun.

- Harry.

My objection has to be in
terms of the work itself.

Rhonda is a professional woman.

- Every woman is a
professional woman.

All right.

Outflank her.

Go to whoever
commissioned the statue.

- Well the US State Department.

Thank you, that's Ray
Whitely, just a moment.

- [Harry] Isn't
Whitely the ambassador?

- Yes.

- [Harry] What sort
of a fellow is he?

- I think he's an idiot but
I may be overestimating him.

Yeah that's right.

I'm supposed to meet
him this evening

on some television
show about Unispeak.

Oh hell, look Pat's canceled it.

- Well un-cancel it.

Go along there,
take him to one side

and talk him out of the
whole sculpture idea.

- Harry you're a
true healer of minds.

- Uh uh, I'm an advertising man.

And remember if there's anything
further I can do to help.

Please hesitate to ask.

- [Man] Stand by
studio, 50 seconds.

Camera two in a bit closer.

Nice head and shoulders please.

- Eh eh, excuse me, excuse me.

I'd like to have a word with
the ambassador before we start.

Where is he?

- [Man] Chicago.

- Chicago?

- Hey.
- Mm.

- TV's still on.

- Mm?

- It's watching us.

- As long as it's not the queen.

- Good evening.

With me today is the man--

- Oh this is some program
Alex is supposed to be on.

Well turn up the sound.

- Let me make myself
perfectly clear about that.

Perhaps my friend Alex
Bolt is best equipped

to answer that question.

- Let's bring him in then.

Hello, live by
satellite from London.

Professor Alex Bolt.

Welcome to Impact.

- [Ray] Hello Alex,
glad you could make it.

- [Interviewer] Do you
see no disadvantage

to Ambassador Whitely's
Unispeak project?

- Oh yes I've seen
one big disadvantage.

That sculpture you commissioned.

- What sculpture?

- Well we're really not
here to talk about that.

Anyway I hardly think
sculpture is in your area.

- Well this one is, it's
nothing but my area.

Now Ray you take my advice.

- We will take your
advice in just a moment.

But first, some good
advice to Mrs Housewife.

- Mrs who?

- It's a commercial break.

We're off the air.

Hey that livened up
pretty good didn't it.

We gotta get back on
that sculpture bit, huh.

- Forget about the
sculpture crap.

What the hell you
trying to do Alex,

make me out to be a schmuck.

- Now you listen to me Ray I
know what I'm talking about.

- Well you quit talking
about yourself for a moment.

We're dealing with
something important, me.

I was the one that persuaded
the State Department

to commission that
thing for Rhonda.

Now if you start knocking
it on network television

who gets hurt, not you.

- Well that's just what--

- It's not your
problem buddy boy,

now will you just butt
out and make your big--

- Back on the air.

- Gee Alex, it's good
to talk with you again.

Now this is a man that I'm
proud to call a friend.

- Why don't you cancel
the damn thing Ray.

Spend your $50,000 on
something more worthwhile.

Think of all those
Unispeak schools

we could endow with that.

- What's it a sculpture of?

- Well it.

Does it matter?

- The point is, why blow $50,000

on some corny bit of carving

when there are millions
of people in want.

- Corny bit of carving?

(phone ringing)

Well I hope Mrs Bolt
wasn't watching.

Yes?

She was watching.

Hello Mrs Bolt.

No, no I wasn't watching.

Turn it down.

Yes.

Oh really.

Oh that doesn't
sound like Mr Bolt.

Come round?

Ah.

It's a little bit
awkward at the moment

you see I'm just in the
middle of a press conference.

Yes what about
tomorrow morning then.

Fine.

I think we'd better
make it the afternoon.

- Now is that corny?
- No.

- Oh thank you.

- It's awfully good.

- Thank you.

And a dry martini.

(rhythmic music)

- Here you are.

Doubles.

Oh.

- I've good reason.

- Which I've just come
from a private view of.

Could I have a dry martini?

Now that is service.

Well.

Now here's looking at,

looking at you.

- All those people who
eat their sandwiches

in Grosvenor Square.

Can't you just see them
all clustering around

for a stare-in.

I'm well known now Pat.

Television, magazines and.

My face up there, they're
bound to recognize it.

And then.

Oh God!

- And you know what the
fascinating thing is.

It's not even yours.

- What did you say?

(upbeat music)

It's not mine, so whose is it?

- Don't shout at me.

Calm!

- Calm.

I'm calm all right.

I'm unnaturally calm.

A tribute, that's
what you called it.

This is my tribute to you.

All right, let's just check
out that tribute shall we.

Up there that's fine.

That's good old Alex.

And this is good old Alex.

Even that is good old Alex.

Good old Alex.

Good old Alex.

Good old Alex.

And suddenly hello Charlie.

- Charlie?

- Charlie.

George.

Peter.

Hopkins.

Fosguy, I don't know.

But not me.

All right let's um, let's
talk this over reasonably.

- No no.

That way you always win.

Words!

This is what I say to it.

And what that says is

in the last three years
how much have I seen you.

18 days.

This is my way of saying
18 days is not enough.

A little private
reproach that's all.

- Private!

That thing will tower
over a whole city square.

- Who will know?

- He will.

Charlie.

Up there in marble on my body.

- It didn't worry you to
have another man's head

on your body.

Man!

Anything that has to do with
um, they become little boys.

- That's no little boy.

All right.

So you had an affair with him.

That's bad enough.

But to go and immortalize the
son of a bitch as guest star!

- I've been trying to tell you
something important for us.

But you haven't even, you
didn't even try to listen.

All you're thinking about is,

oh you are a pissy English man.

No no no.

I don't mean prissy.

- So your wife had an
affair with a statue.

- [Alex] Sir Geoffrey I've
already explained all this

to you twice.

- Geffers, I woke
up and you were,

oh hello young fella.

Oh when are you going to
let us see that sexy statue?

- Humphrey.

Do you remember de Nora
versus Quill Productions?

- Film star girl.

Lisa de Nora.

Horrible fleshy thing.

They stuck another
girl's bosoms on her

in a swimsuit advertisement.

- She not only stopped it but
collected damages as well.

- Well that's fine, this
is exactly the same thing.

- She stuck bosoms on you?

Well that's very nasty.

- Of course one still needs
to prove that the difference

is not simply a matter
of artistic license.

In other words, that it
does depict a third-party.

- Oh it does, it does all right.

- Of course he may simply be
a professional male model.

- Oh, I have several good
friends in that field.

- [Alex] My wife doesn't
use professional models.

That's why I have to
find out who Charlie is.

- Exactly.

When is the statue
to be unveiled?

- 10 days time, but don't worry

I'll have it nailed by then.

- Charlie?

It all sounds most
awfully complicated.

- Don't bother your
pretty head about it.

(romantic music)

(upbeat music)

♪ Nothing

♪ But flesh and blood

♪ And bones

♪ And a minute by a minute

♪ So cut out the life force

♪ So cut out the soul

♪ So cut out the spirit

♪ So cut it

♪ Gone

♪ But it's a beating

♪ Beating

♪ It's a beating

♪ Show me

♪ It's a beating

♪ Living indeed

♪ It's a death call singing

♪ It's a spirit dancing

♪ It's my own show
weeping indeed ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ It's a briefing,
briefing, briefing ♪

♪ Crying to me to let it live

♪ Well I can't live with
regulations and complications ♪

♪ Losing control

♪ I bury it under clothes

♪ Yes

♪ Clothes

♪ Only possessions

♪ Heal the righteous

♪ Refrigerators

♪ Plastic complainers

♪ Washing machines

♪ TV commercials

♪ Nuclear weapon

♪ Payments of interest

♪ Separate investments

♪ Weekly installments

♪ Food in the freezer

♪ Strawberry yogurt

♪ But it's a beating

♪ Beating, it's a beating

♪ Honey, it's a beating

♪ Yeah yeah

♪ It's a lover singing

♪ It's a spirit dancing

♪ It's my own show
weeping in me ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah

- All right all right.

Now let me get this right.

This is you self-portrait.

And this is the statue's.

- Exactly.

- Well what do you
want, the winner?

- I want confirmation
from a medical man.

Harry.

Tell me.

Tell me.

Are they or are
they not different?

- They are different.

Two different fellas.

Goodnight, that'll be
five pounds please.

- Exactly what I wanted to hear.

That's gonna help me.

It's gonna help me
find, no I'm on a diet.

When I do.

Whoever this fits.

- You sound like a stag
version of Cinderella.

- I'm gonna maim him,
I'm gonna grind my heels

into his eyeball and I'm
gonna exterminate him.

- And this is a winner
of the Nobel Peace Prize.

Relax.

Ever seen the Leonardo
painting of The Last Supper?

Do you know who posed for that?

Simple tradesmen.

Butchers, grocers.

- This is not a tradesman.

- Oh there's a
class-conscious remark.

You may be able to recognize
a gentleman by his accent

but you certainly can't
- Look look look

- recognize a--
- look at the way

it's been sculpted.

Care.

The meticulousness.

Now look, look.

There's affection there.

Devotion.

A tribute, that's what
she called it, oh no.

Oh no.

It had to be somebody
she was friendly with.

Someone she saw a lot of.

I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna make that housekeeper
of mine give me a list

of all the people who
visited my house regularly

while I was away.

It might mean I
have to track down

four or five different men
but I've got plenty of time.

It's a good 10 days
before that statue

is officially unveiled.

- Hey.

If this is for me, at
least autograph it.

- I feel I'm being
disloyal to madam.

- Well at these prices
just think of it

as being loyal to sir.

You're quite sure you put
down all the gentlemen

who visited my wife
while I was away.

- Yes.

Everyone of them.

Will that be all sir?

- It's all I have on me.

(signing in foreign language)

There's one the old
bag forgot to list.

(speaking in foreign language)

- Oh what are you
doing, let him alone!

(loud shouting)

(loud crashing)

- I was only trying to
ask him a simple question.

- I know what you ask him.

I should've let him choke you.

- I'll nail you Charlie.

(gentle music)

- [Harry] Okay let's try it.

- [Man] I don't know Harry,
I don't think they'll pass

a nude commercial.

- The quintessential
associations of taking a bath

are purity and sensuousness,
it's very ambivalent.

Or loaded.

- But all the client wanted
to push was sixpence off.

Okay, let's go for a shot.

- Harry!

Harry, oh Harry!

- Alex we're working here!

All right take a break
for five minutes.

What is this, some kind
of subscription list?

- Well you could call it that.

These are the people who
have been seeing Rhonda.

And Harry there were 30
names on that list, 30.

Any one of them
could be Charlie.

- Well you won't get round
that crowd in 10 days,

they're all different
parts of the country.

- They're all over the world
but that doesn't matter Harry.

Somewhere in London,
there's Ray Whiteley,

there's her stockbroker,
her lawyer, her doctor.

- Oh come on.

You can't go up to
men like that and say

would you mind taking
your clothes off

I want to see how you check out

against this
photograph I'm holding.

- Well it is another
aspect of the problem

but it's not impossible.

- You realize you've got to
get close enough to peer.

- Damn!

I've dropped my bookmark.

(rhythmic music)

- I yield to no man in
my love for steam baths

but at nine o'clock
in the morning.

♪ Charlie

♪ I'd like to know Charlie

♪ A fellow like Charlie

♪ Is so hard to find

♪ Charlie

♪ He looks like a statue

♪ When he's looking at you

♪ You're out of your mind

♪ With a built up reputation

♪ He's the idol of the nation

♪ Sex can be a new sensation

♪ When it's not too plain

♪ He's the latest
kind of darkness ♪

♪ Full of pluck and
full of fondness ♪

♪ He's not easy to discover

♪ He's got more than any other

♪ What a guy and what a lover

♪ Charlie

♪ If you can produce him

♪ Then please introduce him

♪ And give him my key

- Now Mrs Erement of Southwick

that's what I call real
Anglo-American friendship.

Who told you that
story about Alex?

- [Woman] That boring
old Harold Brodie.

- And he saw them bounce
Alex from the Turkish bath?

- [Woman] He was with him.

- Hmm.

Alex Bolt.

Steam room cowboy.

- Thrown out.

And everyone in that Turkish
bath nudging each other.

Except for one fellow
who winked at me.

Are you listening?

- I'm listening yeah.

Show me the armchair shot.

No no no, bring out the latent
masculinity in that chair.

Understand.

Give me virile.

Show me.

Stop down your diaphragm.

- I don't know if I can
go on with this search.

I don't even know
if I want to Harry.

- That's better, now
light it for thrust.

Now you're talking.

- I've been talking
for 40 minutes,

you haven't been listening.

- Yes I have, let me
ask you something.

When you find Charlie, you're
gonna mutilate him, right.

- That had been my intention.

- Why?

- Well I was--

- Rough male look,
know what I mean.

Rugged, almost locker room.

Is it passionate jealousy

because he went to
bed with Rhonda?

Is it little boy peak
because teacher's showing

his toy to the class
instead of yours.

How much Othello and
how much Charlie Brown?

- Well it could
be a bit of each.

- Relax.

- I'm trying to!

- The male capacity for
protecting the masculinity

is almost infinite
but so is the female

towards her femininity.

And Rhonda did have good
cause for substituting you.

18 days in three years.

- Well maybe she was
a little sore but--

- No not sore but, sore and.

Women don't get
angry they get even.

- You think I ought to
forget it and go back?

- What do you think?

You're turning me back into a
bloody psychiatrist, get up!

Yes go back, tear up that
bloody list and go back.

- [Alex] Well thank you.

Thank you Harry.

- That was my first
and my last analysis.

Don't ever come to see me again

unless it's a sales problem.

You're standing there, have
you photographed it already?

(romantic music)

- Shall we go--

- To bed?

Should be sackcloth and ashes

but they didn't have my size.

Oh darling I've
been such a buffoon.

Do you want to give
me a swift kick?

Fast belt around the ear.

- I want to take up this offer.

(giggling)

What's taking you so long?

- You know.

You were 100% right.

Alex Bolt.

Civilized, rational, reasonable.

Your man of the 70s blueprint.

Then along comes one
little tiny ego challenge

and I'm a Sicilian.

Othello.

A little boy.

Isn't it strange
the human capacity

for making an absolute.

- [Rhonda] Alex
you're talking again.

(romantic music)

- [Alex] Oh I've been wanting
to do this for a long time.

- [Rhonda] Then do
it for a long time.

Alex.

About the statue.

What you wanted me to tell you.

- [Alex] Doesn't
matter anymore love.

- [Rhonda] But you
were so anxious to--

- [Alex] Just you.

That's all I'm anxious for.

That nice.

- [Rhonda] That's gorgeous.

Alex.

You just move a little to there.

Oh darling.

Yes.

Oh.

Yes.

Yes?

No?

- [Alex] No.

- [Rhonda] You must be tired.

- [Alex] From what, I've
been lying on a slab all day.

- [Rhonda] Oh don't
worry darling.

It can happen to anybody.

Alex.

Alex!

Alex!

What are you doing there?

- It's that.

To hell with civilized,
reasonable, rational.

Who is it?

Who is Charlie?

Now out with it!

Out with it!

Out with it!

- But you just said
it didn't matter.

- I want to know his name,
address and length of service.

- Get out.

- Get out.

I'm not getting out until.

I'm not leaving until
I find out exactly--

- You aren't staying.

- You better not--
- Mm.

Ah!

- And then for the first time
I wasn't able to make it.

I just couldn't do it.

- It happens.

- Oh not to me it doesn't ever.

It's a horrible experience.

- Hang on.

Liven it up a bit,
it's like a minuet.

- Come on girls and
boys feel it more.

Nice supple shoulders.

Come on, be groovy.

Come on.

- Harry.

Did you hear me,
I couldn't do it.

- Well it's all in the
movement of the shoulders.

- No it's all right Arthur.

No he's not on the account.

- I'm not on the what?

- It's the design and
graphics people on our

breakfast food account.

Their creative
thinking's rigidified

so I introduced this rhythm
and counter-group therapy

to re-stimulate their free
associating mechanism.

Seems to be working well, yeah.

- [Alex] It's more than I am.

- Look it's what they call
psychological impotence.

It's not at all uncommon.

In fact there's hardly a dirty
book that doesn't feature it.

- Thank you.

- [Harry] Look all
you have to do is--

- I know what I have to do.

There's only one cure for me.

Harry, so long as
that statue stands--

- You fall.
- Exactly.

And there's only one way
to get rid of the statue

and everything else and that's
for me to follow through

on all the names on that list.

- Completely reliable source.

No less than the
Paraguayan council

senor trustworthy himself.

- Joachim.

That's the second piece of
scandal I've heard about.

Alex Bolt might not like it.

- I thought he wouldn't.

- This Unispeak
operation fowls up

I stand directly in
the line of fire.

- An unaccustomed position.

There's also that 50 grand
hunk of model you commissioned.

Are you sure you're off the air?

I don't wanna get those
worry beads red hot

but shouldn't someone at
least take a look at it?

- How?

- Suppose the President.

- The President?

- He called me this
morning, a personal request.

- The President?

He's interested in sculpture?

- [Ray] One of our nation's
greatest connoisseurs.

- Are we talking about this--

- Yes.

Whatever that
statue is, he said,

let me make myself
perfectly clear.

I want a model of
it right on my desk.

- Oh, in that case I can't
refuse anymore can I.

(hums Hail to the Chief)

- Oh my God!

That's what I said Mr President.

Bare ass.

No it isn't a bad line sir.

Damn thing's a mile high and
naked as a peeled banana.

Sir when I unveil it.

Correction, if I unveil it

you know what my face
will be right alongside?

You better believe it.

The photos of that
freaky two-shot

will fly it around the world.

Imagine what the Democrats
will be calling me

from that moment on.

Yes sir I know I've been
called one before sir but only.

You bet sir.

We certainly will
prevent it sir.

Mr President.

How?

Well.

What does my advisory
staff have to offer?

General?

- It's hardly a
military problem.

- Excellent.

Legal?

- Her contract
stipulates a sculpture

on any theme of her own choice.

Clause seven.

- Who the hell agreed
to that clause?

What does the head of
the CIA have to offer?

- Well perhaps we put
a tail on Mr Bolt.

- Now she thinks of it.

- Hunter, would you
get onto it dear.

(rhythmic music)

- Mr Bernstein please.

Yes, yes I'll hang on.

That Time Magazine
man's given up on you.

They're doing a cover story
on Ray Whitely instead.

- Oh bully for him.

How often did this
Bernstein visit?

- Well Dunhill says
at least once a week.

He's your wife's
marble supplier.

Oh Mr Bernstein?

I'm speaking on behalf
of Mr Alex Bolt.

Mr Bolt wondered whether
you'd care to accompany him

on a visit to Sunnyfields
this afternoon.

Yes.

Yes it is a nudist colony but.

Oh.

Oh he's gone.

Well no no I didn't know that.

Well (speaking in
foreign language)

No no that's Unispeak for
(speaking in foreign language).

He's committed this afternoon,
he's at the Synagogue.

It's his son's Bar Mitzvah.

- Doesn't that.

Bar Mitzvah.

- You do have to be Jewish
to have a Bar Mitzvah.

- Hank Wills.
- Hank Wills.

- Look at the way
he's dancing with her.

- Well it's New Year's Eve.

You may recall we were in
Sydney, also dancing, also--

- Not publicly.

- Yes well, Hank Wills, 23.

An actor.

Intensely dedicated.

- Dedicated to what?

- Very serious mind.
- Now how the hell am I

gonna check up on him.

- Oh buy a ticket!

♪ It's the birds all singing

♪ It's the spirit dancing

♪ It's my own show
weeping indeed ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ It's a freaking,
freaking, freaking crying ♪

♪ To me to let it live

♪ But I can't live
with regulations ♪

♪ And complications

♪ Losing control

♪ I bury it under
clothes, cash, cars ♪

♪ Wanted possessions

♪ Feel the horizons

♪ Refrigerators

♪ Plastic containers

♪ Washing machines

♪ TV commercials

♪ Nuclear weapons

♪ Records of interest

♪ Plus income tax

♪ Separate investments

♪ Weekly installments

♪ Food in the freezer

♪ Strawberry yogurt

♪ But it's a beating

♪ Beating

♪ It's a beating

♪ Darling

♪ It's a beating

♪ Living in the air

♪ It's a lover singing

♪ It's the spirit dancing

♪ It's my own show
weeping in the air ♪

♪ It's a beating, a
beating, a beating, crying ♪

♪ To me to let him live

♪ So let's drop
all inhibitions ♪

♪ And prohibitions

♪ Limiting to booze

♪ Phony stings like
banks, build bombs ♪

♪ Wanted possessions

♪ Feel horizon

♪ Refrigerators

♪ Recycling guns

♪ TV commercial

♪ Food in the freezer

♪ Covered in toothpaste,
chemical warfare ♪

♪ Watching the clocks

♪ And propaganda

♪ Yeah

♪ I wanna be free

♪ I wanna be free

♪ Yeah yeah yeah

♪ I wanna be free

♪ Won't somebody help me

♪ I wanna be free

♪ Wanted possessions

♪ Feel horizon

♪ Refrigerators

♪ Missiles and guns

♪ TV commercials

♪ Food in the freezer

♪ Covered in toothpaste

♪ Chemical warfare

♪ Washing machines

♪ War and possessions

♪ And propaganda

♪ It's a beating,
beating, beating crying ♪

♪ To me to let him live

♪ So let's stop all
inhibitions and prohibitions ♪

♪ Limiting to booze

♪ Phony stings like
banks, build, bombs, ♪

♪ Wanted possessions

♪ Refrigerators

♪ Missiles and guns

♪ TV commercial

♪ Food in the freezer

- Sorry I've been so long but.

What were you doing
in the studio?

- Rhonda, you
light up the night.

That uh--
- What were you doing

in the studio?
- little surprise

I mentioned earlier.

Suggested by no less than the
President himself, come on.

When I described the
statue to the President

he came up with this
one little suggestion.

I tell you you're
going to kick yourself

that you didn't think of it.

- You.

You vandal!

- Now at least try
and think about it.

I mean sculpturally statues
have them, you know.

- Not my statue!

- All the great ones.

Greek, Roman.

No no it's only on with
Scotch tape, that's all right.

Well I tried to do what
they asked me to do.

- Did your President really--
- Rhonda, just relax.

Let's just think
about his suggestion.

Try and keep our options open.

Did you ever look into
Eastern philosophy?

(gentle music)

- Oh these.

- Sake.

Mm hmm.

Try some of this.

This is (speaking
in foreign language)

- Thank you.

- It's sushi.

It's lovers' food.

- Mm.

- You sort of share it.

- Thank you.

Mm good.

- I just want you to.

Appreciate my State
Department's position.

I mean if we unveil
it the way it is

every do-gooder and morality
organization in the world

is going to be screaming at
us for encouraging nudity.

- Nudity?
- Permissiveness.

- Sure sure, yeah yeah.

- Decadent Americans.
- Mm hmm.

- If we don't unveil all
the pinko intellectuals

are gonna be yelling
censorship, repression.

- Sure.

- Philistine American

Understand Rhonda, I mean I
have no personal ax to grind.

I love it the way it is.

- [Rhonda] A bit salty though.

- Yeah.

Not the statue.

- Oh, oh the statue.

Mr Ambassador, have you ever
seen a man wear a fig leaf?

- I've never looked.

And somewhat obliquely
related to that

I saw Alex at the Turkish
baths the other day.

- Alex?
- Uh huh.

- He hates them baths.

They make him feel dizzy.

- Hmm.

What's he been doing
since he came back?

- Going away again.

- Don't you get
lonely sometimes?

- Sometimes yes.

(excited chatter)

(speaking in foreign language)

- On time.

Just like God damn
Japanese trains.

(romantic music)

- No staying long
I am working here.

Uh huh, you just coming in for
another look at the statue.

- It's beautiful Rhonda.

But marble.

This is softer and warmer.

- Hmm, weaker.

Don't confuse me Ray, it's
too easy at the moment.

- Well it's not easy
for either of us.

When two people are lonely.

Two Scorpios.

So smooth.

So wantable.

- [Rhonda] Ray.

Ray no--

- What's the harm?
- You mustn't.

- Darling Rhonda just--
- No please.

Oh that's not fair.

- [Ray] Let me just undo it.

- [Rhonda] Ray what are you?

- [Ray] Please Rhonda.

- [Rhonda] No.

No please you'll tear my--

- [Ray] You drive
a man absolutely.

- No Ray you.

You'll ruin my.

(giggling)

He looks like he's
appealing to the Empire.

Oh!

- This is not
America's finest hour.

- Has he gone out of his skull?

I want you to get me eight
by 10s of all of these.

- Do I keep after him?

- Yes lovely dear.

- I still think Mr Ambassador

a personal overture to Mrs Bolt.

If you were to put it to her--

- I tried, she put it back.

Must be some kind of
exhibitionist obsession.

- [Man] He has
really freaked out.

- What's on his mind?

(soaring music)

- I do believe it's Alex Bolt.

- No it can't be.
- It can't be.

- What would he be doing here?
- It is.

It is, have a look.

- [Pat] If this works
you'll be able to cross

three names off at one go.

- If only they didn't all
have their wives with them.

So difficult to make men strip

when they have
their wives around.

I'll bet it's that tall fellow.

- No that's a fallacy.

- Keep your mind on what
we're gonna do will you.

- Come on let's go
down and greet them.

- Hey, hey!

- [Man] Hello, hello,
what a surprise.

(talking over each other)

- [Man] Hey nothing
happened to Rhonda?

- Oh no no no, heavens no.

No I just wanted to trap you

into signing a
petition that's all.

- Petition?
- Petition?

- Yes we're trying
to get them to move

the British Museum Library
to another building.

- You mean you
came all this way?

- Just for that?

- Can you think of a
more important cause?

- No, no very good.
- No no of course not.

Sign it George, sign it.

- I imagine you gentlemen
are leading figures

in the art world.

- Some people are marvelous.

Imagine all that for a library.

- Well you know some of
those shelves are literally

bending under the weight.

Well when you sign we'll be
onto our next port of call.

We're going to Sardinia,
a lot of people there--

(shouts of protests)

- [Man] You're staying to lunch.

- Oh you are kind.

(talking amongst each other)

- [Man] I think it depends
who you're married to.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
but my contention is

that after a certain
time husbands and wives

don't even look at
each other anymore.

(shouts of protest)

No no wait wait, it's
very easy to check this.

Now George.

In what order does your
wife put on her clothes?

(laughing)

Well in the morning.

You've been watching her do it
for 12 years for God's sake.

What does she put on first,
what does she put on second,

what does she put
on third and so on.

- Yeah well, first
she puts on her bra.

- Oh idiot!

First I put on my.

First I put on.

I don't even wear a bra.

- [Man] Don't you?

- No.

- Zoe, Zoe what about you?

What about your husband?

- Ah his socks.

- No I don't.
- Yes you do.

- No I put on my.

- No no no wait wait
wait wait wait wait.

Now just a minute.

Wait wait wait, let's
do this properly.

Let's play a little
sociological game.

Oh Miss Trapshaw you don't
happen to have any paper do you?

- And pencils?

- Pencils too?

Good, pass them round.

Now here's what we do.

Husbands you write down the
order in which you think

your wives put on their clothes.

Wives, you write down the
order in which you think

your husbands dress.

Miss Trapshaw and
I will then check.

- All right, well just so
that's it's not all merely

sociological let's put
a little money on it.

- Is this for the
British Museum?

(laughing)

- This says I'm not more
than one stocking wrong.

- Well this says that
I make no mistakes.

She doesn't wear so much anyway.

- Shut up George.

Listen I still want to
know how you two check

whether we're right.

- Oh you recreate it for us.

(rhythmic music)

- Wife swapping?

With money changing hands.

A peeping tom.

I just can't believe
it of Alex Bolt.

I.

Believe it.

You get eight by 10s of these?

That clinches it.

We move in.

- You miserable
fur-lined ocean going--

- No use blustering Alex.

You're sick.

You're a middle-aged
thrill-seeker.

You realize what these
photos prove him to be?

A wife-swapping homosexual
exhibitionist voyeur.

- A man for all seasons.

- It could ruin
you, you understand.

- Oh I'm quick at
things like that.

- On the other hand
I could hush them up.

But in return I'd
want something Alex.

- I thought you might.

- A statement.

One that would prevent
that statue from going up.

An admission that
you posed for it

only because the balance
of your mind was disturbed.

- I never posed for it at all!

- On don't be ridiculous
Alex I've seen the statue.

- It's not all him.

- We can?

Thank you Mr President.

Full resources.

Certainly sir.

Goodbye.

Let's have quiet.

Wake him up.

I've just been in conference
with my president.

- Groovy.

- What it boils down to is

to obtain the legal
injunction against that statue

we have to put a name
to its unknown warrior.

- How can I put a name to him

when I don't know who he is?

- The President said find out.

- What do you think
I've been doing?

Just look where some
of those people are.

Amsterdam, Brazil,
Tennessee, Greece.

- But now you have help.

From hereon the entire resources

of the United States of
America are on the job.

(jet engine roaring)

♪ Charlie

♪ He looks like a statue

♪ When he's looking at you

♪ You're out of your mind

♪ With a built up reputation

♪ He's the idol of the nation

♪ Sex can be a new sensation

♪ When it's just too plain

♪ He's the latest
pride of darkness ♪

♪ Full of pluck and
full of fondness ♪

♪ He's not easy to discover

♪ He's got more than any other

♪ What a guy and what a lover

♪ Charlie

♪ If you can produce him

♪ Then please introduce him

♪ And give him my key

♪ Charlie

♪ I want to have Charlie

♪ If you can find Charlie

♪ Then leave him to me

♪ With a built up reputation

♪ He's the idol of the nation

♪ Sex can be a new sensation

♪ When he starts to play

♪ He's the latest
pride of darkness ♪

♪ Full of pluck and
full of fondness ♪

♪ He's not easy to discover

♪ He's got more than any other

♪ What a guy and what a lover

♪ Charlie

♪ If you can produce him

♪ Then please introduce him

♪ And give him my key

♪ Charlie

♪ I want to know Charlie

♪ If you can find Charlie

♪ Then leave him to me

- It's all become a
little, oh I don't know.

Degrading.

- Still only two names left.

Guido Martinenllo
and Jack Tremont.

- Jack Tremont is
a sex mad artist.

You know where I've
got to go to find him.

To a monastery in Greece.

- He's a monastery painter?

- He's a painter painter.

He painted Rhonda's portrait.

Every now and then he
withdraws to the monastery

to charge up his
batteries I suppose.

And do a little work.

It seems that elsewhere he's
too easy distracted by women.

Any women.

All women.

- [Harry] Why do you
have to go this time?

What happened to those full
resources of the Unites States?

- [Alex] Oh these monks
are a closed order.

Anyone else it would take
them six weeks to get a permit

but for a Nobel prize winner.

- [Harry] Well aren't
you the lucky one.

(upbeat music)

- Look maybe we're
making a mistake

about this fellow Tremont.

After all he did was
paint a picture of Rhonda.

- Over a period of six weeks.

- Let me look at that.

- Taking notes all the time.

- All right.

All right but just tell
brother upstairs there

to take it easy.

- Ssh.

(upbeat music)

- And say mister, the monks
take a vow of silence.

- Good morning.

- Ssh.

- Good morning.

- Ssh.

(humorous music)

- [Alex] That's my wife
you're talking about!

I know what's been going on!

I know!

(shouting)

I know about you and Rhonda.

Bloody sex mad
artists are all alike.

Posing for each
other in the nude.

You're the one who
modeled for it!

You're the one who
modeled for it, I know!

I know it!

I can prove it!

You're the one!

You're not through with me yet.

Charlie!

Charlie!

(loud clattering)

(rhythmic music)

(helicopter engine roaring)

(humorous music)

(gentle music)

- No!

No no it's not him.

It's not him, no!

(shouting)

- Well that does it.

I won't play ball anymore.

- What do you mean he
won't play ball anymore?

- I'll give you his exact words.

There is a limit of
moral squalor, he said.

- Beyond which I'm
not prepared to go.

This whole operation, I said,

has become downright degrading.

That's what I said.

From here on, I said.

- Count me out, he said.

No more chasing after
complete strangers, he said.

I'm through.

- I'm through, I just
don't care anymore.

- Now he doesn't care anymore

but we're only two days
off the unveiling ceremony.

- I pointed that out.

- [Alex] I said screw
the unveiling ceremony.

- Mm.

- Yeah?

Well that's like
saying screw me.

- A hideous prospect.

- All right, up until now my
better nature stood in my way.

Now nothing stands in my way.

Come in!

Plan S.

- S?

- For statue.

Or saw.

(tense music)

(loud sawing)

(police sirens blaring)

- I already told you
to get my husband.

- They used rubber gloves sir.

- There are no fingerprints
on this either.

- [Man] The window's
been forced sir.

- My husband--

- Is unlikely to have
forced a window madam.

- You've got some super
things here Mrs Bolt.

- Thank you.

- Sergeant Hillcrest
is our art expert.

- [Policeman] The commissioner
wants to speak to you sir.

Urgently.

- Hello.

Yes sir.

And lopped off
clean as a whistle.

And no, no trace of it yet sir.

Well I'll ask her.

If we find it madam
will you be able to

stick it back on again?

- Oh.

Get them out of there!

- All right Fairbright, relax.

I'll call you back sir.

Madam have you
noticed anyone lately

behaving in a suspicious manner?

- Yes I just told you
to get my husband.

- We will keep your
suggestion in mind madam.

- And I just want it back.
- But we have to consider

every possibility.

- Yes, no use us just
charging off half.

Beautiful.

Isn't it.

- [Harry] Well I think
you're wrong Alex.

You're over-elated,
I don't like it.

- [Alex] Well you people
just aren't used to observing

a return to sanity.

- When you've only got
one name left to check.

Who's in Florence, name
of Guido Martinello.

Do you know him?

- Guido Martinello.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care who
Guido Martinello is

or what he did with Rhonda.

I'm going back home.

- But when he's the only one
you've got left to check.

All it means is one
flight to Florence.

- [Alex] No more
flights, I'm going home.

- Well I don't think you should.

You've got a lot of
unresolved hostility there.

A hard core of
residual aggression.

- Harry!

You're talking like
a psychiatrist.

- I am a psychiatrist.

- Do you wanna know something?

You're an advertising man.

I think I prefer a sinking
ship to a sinking lifeboat.

- You're wrong Alex.

Psychologically you've
sublimated your anxieties

into screaming hysteria.

You see.

(romantic music)

- Hello love.

- I've been expecting you.

- Darling.

- Oh!

- Darling what is it.

If it's the statue forget it.

I mean I can learn
to live with it.

Really, anything you say.

Ooh.

Oh no.

Oh I wouldn't do that to anyone.

- Oh yes you did.

Because it was the only way
you could come back home.

Now I will tell you.

I did have a model for that.

And he's more of a man
than you will ever be.

- We believe Mr Bolt
has left the country.

Yes sir we have
contacted Interpol.

No sir, I am not convinced.

I still think it was
a professional job.

Yes sir, Mrs Bolt is drawing
a sketch of it for us now.

Yes sir, exactly
what it looked like.

We'll have the sketch
duplicated and put up

outside every police
station in the country.

Inside every police
station in the country.

Get BBC television to
show it on the news?

Well it might take
a bit of persuasion.

- In the House of Lords
today Lord Brecombe deplored

sexual promiscuity
among young people.

Referring to the
government publication

in place of cold
showers he recommended

compulsory courses of--

- [Policeman] I never
thought the BBC would agree.

Wait till the thief sees this.

- [Hillcrest] Should
look fantastic in color.

- The latest art theft.

- Ah.

- Earlier today the police
issued this detailed description

of the missing
segment of the statue.

- This should make it
too hot for any thief

to try and get rid off.

- It is a piece of marble
measuring approximately

126 cubic inches and
weighing about 5 1/2 pounds.

Now here is a late
football result.

Manchester City two
Yugoslav Dynamos four.

- [Policeman] You
can't trust anybody.

- I don't know, those
Dynamos are a very good team.

- Well you'll have to
help us now Mrs Bolt.

- All right.

My husband took it.

- Everything points
to a professional job.

- My husband took it.

- There's a very big
market in art treasures.

- A fragment of a
Rhonda Bolt work.

I mean imagine if
someone were trying to

flog the missing arms
of the Venus de Milo.

- And there's two of those.

(phone rings)

Hello?

- My husband took it.

- Sir, Interpol from Florence.

(upbeat music)

- Senor Guido Martinello?

(speaking in foreign language)

- Senor Bolt.

In here please.

Senor Bolt.

I'm Guido Martinello.

I told Rhonda this,
the classical style,

is the style she
should've turned to.

And she obviously did.

It's very pleasant to know
that she still listens

to her old teacher.

- But Mr Martinello I
must find out who this is.

- Oh it's a very well known
gentleman in Florence.

You'll find him.

(rhythmic music)

What are you doing?

Senor Bolt!

(speaking in foreign language)

- Thank you Mr Martinello.

(uplifting music)

(speaking in foreign language)

- What you see now, ladies,

is the greatest statue
of the classical style.

The most famous work of
sculpture in all Florence.

Carved in 1501 by
the noblest sculptor

the world has ever known.

Ladies, this is the
Michelangelo statue of David.

- Charlie.

(giggling)

- Joan, Caroline, what
are you giggling about?

- I only said Miss
Brown, if that's David

I'd like to see Goliath.

(giggling)

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah

- Yes Mr President, he's okay.

Came out of the
hospital yesterday.

And no Mr President,

she's scrapping the
sculpture completely.

Making a brand new one.

That's very kind of
you to say that sir.

I appreciate it.

Yes sir.

Goodbye sir.

Ah.

Roses all the way.

You guys acted in the highest
tradition of the military.

- There's still
one little problem.

- Dump it.

♪ Happy birthday to you

(loud applause)

- Thank you very much!

I wonder what it is.

Feels like some kind
of a paperweight.

How very thoughtful!

♪ Charlie

♪ I'd like to know Charlie

♪ A fellow like Charlie

♪ Is so hard to find

♪ Charlie

♪ He looks like a statue

♪ When he's looking at you

♪ You're out of your mind

♪ With a built up reputation

♪ He's the idol of the nation

♪ Sex can be a new sensation

♪ When it's not too plain

♪ He's the latest
pride of darkness ♪

♪ Full of pluck and
full of fondness ♪

♪ He's not easy to discover

♪ He's got more than any other

♪ What a guy and what a lover

♪ Charlie

♪ If you can produce him

♪ Then please introduce him

♪ And give him my key

♪ Charlie

♪ I want to know Charlie