The Starving Games (2013) - full transcript
Set in the most depressing corner of a post-apocalyptic future, our heroine Kantmiss Evershot (Maiara Walsh) volunteers to take her manipulative younger sister's place in the seventy-fifth annual "Starving Games." In doing so, she must leave behind her smoldering just-a-friend Dale (Brant Daugherty) and team up with the geeky baker's son Peter Malarkey (Cody Allen Christian) in a fight for her life. But wait, there's more! She could also win an old ham, a coupon for a foot-long sub at a six-inch price, and a partially eaten pickle! In The Starving Games, Friedberg and Seltzer's sixth cinematic spoof of box-office hits, the prolific parody duo has its sights trained on the adventure blockbuster The Hunger Games! It's all the laughs and half the calories as they sling dozens of cock-eyed, barbed arrows at sci-fi, action and fantasy films from The Avengers and Oz the Great and Powerful to pop culture characters and celebrities like Harry Potter and Taylor Swift.
The Starving Games - Hunger Games
Spoof 2013 720p [H264-mp4] English
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Hey, Kantmiss! [ARROW WHIZZES]
I am the great and powerful...
Aah!
Dale!
Just wanted to surprise you.
You made me miss my shot.
[BODY THUDS] BALLOONIST: Ow.
Son of a bitch! My back!
Look what I got.
Is it real?
Ohh! Psych!
It's gag bread!
[SPITS] [LAUGHS]
Look at you.
[LAUGHS]
Right.
You know...
we could run away from here.
We could live some place else.
Like where?
Anywhere that's
better than here.
Darfur. Syria.
New Jersey.
Dale, that's... that's
romantic and all...
but I can't leave my sister.
I can't leave either.
My dear, old grandma
depends on me to feed her.
God, I am never having kids.
I mean, how can
you raise a child
in a world where they televise
all of life's misery and
inhumanity and then pass it off
as some sort of twisted
entertainment?
"The Hunger Games."
"16 and Pregnant."
[P.A.] Good morning,
hungry citizens of District 12.
In today's news, we
still have no food,
and the weather will be shitty.
Oh, and don't forget,
today is the Gathering Ceremony,
so, parents, please bring
your beloved children
to the square for a
random death lottery.
Thank you.
I heard that some
kids are so afraid
of getting picked for the Games
that they'll actually
try to get disqualified
by injuring or
maiming themselves.
That's an urban legend.
[SQUEALS]
Uhh! [GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
Get in line.
[MOANS]
Oh, come on, bitch.
[MOOS]
Ipso facto p...
Your movie franchise is over.
Get back in line.
Get back in line.
Bloody dick.
Hey, no talking.
Keep it moving.
I gotta find my sister.
Good luck.
Petunia. Kantmiss.
Hey, Mom.
I'm scared, Kantmiss.
I'm scared.
Hey, hey, don't be.
I got you this.
It's the most courageous
bird that there is...
a chicken. [CHICKEN SQUAWKS]
When you wear this, nothing
bad can happen to you.
[SCREAMS]
Shh. Shh. No, don't cry.
You're gonna be fine, okay?
I promise.
[GROANS]
Keep moving.
Line up!
Girls on the right.
Boys on the left!
Welcome to the 75th
annual Starving Games.
Oh. Oh! Ohh!
[BOWL SHATTERS]
Hey. Ohh!
[CROWD GASPS]
But that was my sausage!
And now a video from
our esteemed leader,
President Snowballs.
[LATIN MUSIC PLAYS]
NARRATOR: He once killed
his own mother...
[GUNSHOT] [ALL GASP]
Because she forgot to cut
the crust off his PB&J.
[SNICKERS] [GIGGLES]
His only Facebook
friend is Mel Gibson.
[ALL GASP]
He has an online blog
that gives away the
endings of movies
without ever using the
disclaimer "spoiler alert."
What? He is...
the most terrible
man in the world.
I don't always like beer,
but when I want one,
I choose Tres Equis.
Tastes like piss water.
Aah!
[ALL GASP]
Every year, I make you
watch this video,
because, well, you're dumb.
People forget how in the past
shit really hit the fan.
Corporations got too big,
and people lost trust.
[BOOING]
They staged sit-ins.
They rioted.
You elected Lady
Gaga as President
and her running
mate Nicki Minaj.
That's why we wear these
kooky clothes now
and have bizarre hairdos.
[ALL GROAN]
Then I took over
and separated the
country into districts
so that stupid shit
never happened again.
Aah!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You've proven that
democracy doesn't work,
and I'm here, in my sixth
self-proclaimed term,
to ensure that all
free will is expunged,
never to rear its
ugly head again.
[DUBBED SINISTER LAUGH]
[NEIGHS]
[ALL GASP]
[BOOING]
Yes, that brings us to today.
Just to prove what a sick,
sadistic prick I am
and how you have no control...
[ALL GROAN]
And admittedly after
watching "The Running Man"
and the Japanese cult
hit "Battle Royale,"
I came up with the
Starving Games.
Two kids from each
district are selected
to play a game to the death
with only one survivor.
The winner is to be
showered with a bounty,
including an old ham...
Oh, I love old ham.
This coupon to Subway...
Buy any foot-long for
a six-inch price...
[ALL GASP] and...
a partially eaten pickle.
[GASPING] So happy
Starving Games,
and may the odds be
never in your favour.
[ALL BOO]
[MOANS]
A President Snowballs
production.
Now let the gathering
begin! Ahem.
[HUMMING A TUNE]
Hugh Janus.
[MURMURING] Hmm?
No? Yeah. All right.
I'll pick again. Heh.
Phil Mahooters.
[LAUGHING]
Please, Phil Mahooters?
Dean Gullberry.
[LAUGHING]
Everyone look around.
Check behind you for
a Dean Gullberry.
This is being televised
around the country!
You won't be laughing
when two of you are picked
and thrown into the arena
for your most certain deaths.
[CROWD QUIETS]
Ahem.
[CHUCKLES]
It's okay.
Petunia Evershot.
[CROWD GASPING]
Whoo!
Yes! Yes!
I didn't get picked.
Hoo-whoo!
Hoo! Whoo! Yeah!
♪ I didn't get picked ♪
♪ I'm 18 now ♪
♪ No mo' games ♪
♪ for me now ♪
♪ Unh, unh, suck it ♪
Whoo! Come on! Gimme some.
Yeah. One more. Oh! Whew.
But I got picked.
Petunia, I am so sorry.
Petunia, no. Not fair.
Do not give me those
puppy-dog eyes.
[CRYING]
I volunteer!
Oh.
I volunteer for the
Starving Games!
Thanks, big sis.
Oh! If you never make
it back from the Games,
can I eat your pet hamster?
[SQUEALS]
What?
[SLURPS]
[SQUEAKS]
[CHUCKLES] Come, dear.
[LAUGHS]
Now let's pick a boy to
join you in the games.
I volunteer also!
[ALL GASP] Who said that?
I did.
I'm Peter Malarkey.
Oh.
Hey, Kantmiss.
I volunteered
because I like you,
a lot, and I... I'm sorry.
Do I know you?
Um...
I'm... I'm the baker's son.
I once fed you when
you were hungry.
Oh, right.
You gave me that walnut bread.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I have a severe nut allergy,
and I almost died.
Let's hear it for
our contestants!
[LAUGHS]
And don't forget to tune
in to the Starving Games
after the season finale
of "Downton Abbey."
Can't we say our goodbyes?
Of course, dear.
The Capital isn't
completely inhumane.
You got 9 seconds.
Petunia! Kantmiss!
Don't worry. You're in
good hands with Mom.
What's up with that Peter dude?
What?
I mean he's a total dork, right?
How much do you
think he benches?
Uh...
Time's up!
Dale! Yeah?
Promise me you'll
take care of Petunia!
I will, Kantmiss.
I promise.
Wait!
Later.
Shit heads.
The Nike Swoosh?
Yes, I started selling
advertising space on my face.
Your willingness to sell
out and whore yourself
is the primary reason I
made you head programmer.
Thank you, Mr. President.
How is the big TV show looking?
Fantastic. We've replaced Charlie
Sheen with Ashton Kutcher,
and no one really
seems to give a shit.
And the Starving Games?
It's gonna be a great show.
We have some very
interesting contestants,
with 2 volunteers
from District 12.
Volunteers.
R-O-T-F-L-O-L.
And because you made it law
that whoever doesn't watch the
Games would be publicly flogged,
we're expecting
record high ratings.
Well, after last years debacle,
I really had no choice.
"Celebrity Starving
Games" was a lousy idea.
No one could have anticipated
that Oprah would eat all
the other contestants.
I want this game to go
off without a hitch.
I don't want some underdog
from a poor district to enter the
Games and stir up the masses
with her archery skills
and her brunette hair
fashioned into a
trademark single braid,
inspiring revolt which will not
only overthrows my presidency,
but also spawns a successful
four-quadrant blockbuster.
Ohh!
And I may need a new gardener.
I'm Stanley Ceaserman,
and this is
"The Starving Games
Countdown Show!"
[CHEERING]
[LAUGHS]
Tomorrow, the Games begin,
but tonight, we're going
to meet the contestants.
You'll get to know them
through their touching
back stories,
where we'll manipulate
you with heavily edited
home video footage and
tragic testimonials.
Then, when you're emotionally
attached to them,
we'll send them off to
their horrific slaughter.
[CHEERING] [LAUGHS]
Let's meet our first contestant.
Going in order
from District One,
he's the odds-on favourite
to win this thing.
He's blond. He's Waspy.
He's the Aryan youth incarnate.
He's Marco!
[CHEERING]
Yeah!
Ahh! Yeah!
Hello, guy.
Tell us about yourself.
I'm from District One.
It's a prime district.
Who are you?
I'm Cinnamon,
your stylist.
How are you holding up?
I'm scared.
I don't want to die.
Ahh. I'm here to tell you
that I believe in you.
You can win this.
I looked at your records,
and you are smarter and
craftier than all of them.
Really? You think
that I can win?
Yes, Patricia.
I know it.
Who's Patricia?
[RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES]
You're not the girl
from District Three?
No, I'm from District 12.
[GASPS]
[SNORTS]
You know, this is
perfectly normal.
You seem like you
strong... [SNORTS]
And now, from District
12, Peter Malarkey.
[APPLAUSE]
So, Peter, tell us,
is there a special
someone in your life?
Yeah.
Yeah, there is someone.
Aww. Aww.
Ohh.
Well, do tell. [LAUGHS]
The person's actually
here tonight,
a person who is...
also in the Games.
In the Games with you?
Aww. Aww.
Well, go on.
Well...
it's a person I've been wanting
to get closer to
for a long time.
You son of a bitch.
PETER: So...
tall,
with beautiful eyes
and a smoking hot bod, but...
you know, more than anything,
this person's got
a lot of heart.
Aww. Aww.
Well, you must tell
us. Who is it?
It's Marco!
[CHEERING] Me?
Heh.
Huh? Huh?
[CROWD MURMURS]
STANLEY: Let's
hear it for Peter.
You little shit!
I'm gonna stick a
foot in your ass!
Ohh! Jeez.
What the hell was that about?
It's called building
an alliance.
[GASPS]
Haven't you ever watched
"Survivor" or "Big Brother"?
Aah! [GASPS] When's...
When was the last time you
trimmed your toenails?
[POPS]
Ohh.
And now, for our
final contestant,
from District 12,
Kantmiss Evershot.
Whoo!
Let's take a look.
Kantmiss is the best big
sister in the world.
She takes care of me. She
feeds me. She clothes me.
She even reads to me.
Ever since Dad died,
Mom's been a little bummed out,
but that doesn't stop the three of
us from having a whole lot of fun.
From the first time I
saw Kantmiss, I knew.
I knew she was the one for me.
She's got class.
She's a real lady.
[FARTS]
Oh, my God.
[FARTING CONTINUES]
[LAUGHS]
[FARTING CONTINUES]
[PANTING]
Ohh! Oh, my God.
[GROANS] [SPLASHES]
Ohh! Ohh!
Isn't that just touching?
Aww. Aww.
Let's bring her out, shall we?
[LAUGHS]
Kantmiss Evershot!
[STANLEY LAUGHING]
So, Kantmiss, that's
quite a dress.
Give us a little spin.
[APPLAUSE]
Heh. Go on.
Don't be shy.
[LAUGHING]
[APPLAUSE]
Very nice. [LAUGHS]
STANLEY: Oh.
Wow, I'm getting
word that flames
actually ignite from the dress.
Flames?
[GASPING]
[CHEERING]
[LAUGHING] [SCREAMING]
Oh! [BLEEP]! Oh!
Oh, my God. Oh, [BLEEP].
Oh, [BLEEP]. Aah!
[SCREAMS]
Why are you clapping,
you stupid [BLEEP]?!
Aah!
I'm on [BLEEP] fire!
I'm on [BLEEP] fire!
Let's hear it for Kantmiss,
the girl on fire!
Ah, [BLEEP]! It's on fire!
It's on fire! It burns!
I'm on [BLEEP] fire! [BLEEP]!
Good morning, sport fans,
and welcome to the 75th
annual Starving Games.
I'm your host Bob Hylox,
and with me is my sidekick
and colour commentator,
Cleaver Williams.
Cleaver, how you doing?
Excited about today's Games?
Fantastic.
Cleaver is a past Games
winner, of course.
In fact, Cleaver, why
don't you tell everybody
in the district watching,
how you got that
delightful nickname.
I used a meat cleaver
to kill everyone.
Still got the old moves.
[DEVICE BEEPS]
Hello, Siri.
[URBAN ACCENT] Hello, Seleca.
How's it hanging, boo?
Low and to the left.
[LAUGHS] Good one.
All right. Looks
like the contestants
have taken the field.
All right, Siri,
cut to the field.
Say your prayers, my son,
'cause you are dead.
[SOBS]
And the countdown has begun.
30,
29...
Oh, God. 28...
27...
Hmm?
26...
25...
[CHUCKLES]
24,
23,
22...
21...
Now, it's very important
that the contestants don't move
off the silver
circles before zero.
Otherwise, kablammo,
as the field is booby-trapped
with explosives.
Don't need to remind me.
I went too soon, and I
still can't poop right.
How 'bout that?
13,
12...
11... Huh?
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS]
What are you doing here?
We were asked to perform
at the opening ceremony.
This is the arena.
Oh, you're looking
for stage two.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Oh. Thanks. Thanks.
[WHIMPERS]
Oops.
[CHEERING]
Wow! What a way to
start the Games!
10,
9...
8... [GROWLING]
7...
6,
5...
4...
3...
2...
1.
[SCREAMS]
[SCATTERED YELLING]
[BONES CRACK]
[SCREAMING]
[BLADE STABS]
Siri, more blood.
Oh.
[CROWD GASPS]
Much better.
[SCREAMING]
Ooh! Ooh!
[SCREAMING]
[CHEERING]
Yeah, Marco! Yeah!
Let go!
I got here first!
Yaah! Now give it to me!
No. I'm not letting go.
There is a dagger in your back!
I'm okay!
What?
It's fine.
It's fine? [BUZZING]
Seriously? You're
not letting go?
I want this backpack!
[SCREAMS]
I want this backpack!
I want it. It's mine!
I'm not letting go!
That was my backpack!
[CANNON BOOMS]
What was that sound?
It's the cannon.
They shoot it off
to announce whenever
someone is killed.
Nice. Looks like the odds
just got better for me, then.
[FLYING OBJECT WHISTLES]
My balls!
Oh! That has got to hurt.
Let's see an instant replay.
[SLOW MOTION] My balls!
[LAUGHS]
My balls!
My balls!
[LAUGHS]
My ball...
My ball... My... My ball...
My ball...
My balls!
That makes me laugh, Bob.
Get away from me!
Wow!
[GROANS]
[MURMURING] Who is this girl?
What district is she from?
I'm standing here in
scummy District 12,
where people can't believe
that Peter and Kantmiss
have actually
survived the opening.
You can see the
excitement is high,
as no one from this district
has won in a very long time.
Yeah! Unh!
Go, Kantmiss! Whoo!
That's my girl!
[LAUGHS] That's my girl!
[LAUGHING] Yeah!
Back to you in the studio.
I'm on TV!
Thanks, Stanley.
And how's the scoreboard
looking, Cleaver?
Got a lot of people dead.
Still, lot of people alive.
Enlightening.
Oh, looks like Kantmiss
is making her way
to the outer edge of the arena.
[BEEP] Siri, slow her down.
Ow.
Now let's get Kantmiss back
to the centre of the action.
Holla!
And cue the thrilling
action music.
SIRI: Ooh.
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]
[CROWD GASPING]
[GASPS]
[SCREAMING]
Hmm.
[CHEERING]
Oh, you want to
play, huh? Okay.
[BEEP] Siri.
Yeah, what you need?
Attack her with the latest
technological weaponry we have.
Whoo-hah!
Oh, shit!
Yah! Whee hee hee!
Hee hee hee!
[LAUGHTER]
[FALLING OBJECT
WHISTLES] [GASPS]
[CROWD GASPS]
No.
What? What?
Orange you glad to see me?
[LAUGHS] Hey, hey, hey!
What do you get when
you cross an orange
with Quentin Tarantino?
"Pulp Fiction." You get it?
[GROANING] Pulp. [LAUGHS]
Hey, Kantmiss,
last time I saw tits that small,
I was staring at a
pair of kumquats.
[LAUGHS]
Aah!
[CHEERING]
Go, Kantmiss!
[BEEP] Ooh,
she sure showed
yo' sorry ass up!
You... You shut up,
Siri. You shut up!
Shit. Don't hate the player.
You... Hate the game!
Wow! I've never seen
anyone do that before.
She's badass.
Respect.
Reminds me a little
bit of myself.
I'll stop now before
I get too emotional.
Eat my ass!
[SIGHS]
Think you're so tough?
Well, come back
from this, bitch!
[LAUGHS]
[BOYS GRUNTING]
[BOY LAUGHS] [GROANS]
[CANNON FIRES]
Hey, guys, come on!
Let's go this way!
GIRL: Come on. Hurry!
BOY: Let's go!
[GROANS]
GIRL: When I see
her, she's mine.
BOY: She's gotta be
around here somewhere.
You sure Kantmiss came this way?
PETER: Uh, I know it.
How can we be so sure
that we can trust you?
I mean, didn't you volunteer
to be in the games
just so you can get
closer to Kantmiss?
No.
I mean, maybe at first,
but I don't like her anymore.
Really?
Well, you know,
back in District 12, she's...
She's known as quite the whore.
Ahh.
There.
Heh.
Nice work, Peter.
Thanks.
I'm gonna bust her
gut wide open.
This little princess
is all mine.
Raah! [MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS]
[LAUGHING]
And there's Kantmiss!
Oh, no. We're gonna kill you.
Right after we eat our
delicious treats.
Huh?
How can you be with them?
I don't know.
I... I guess I just...
really like them. [LAUGHS]
Th-They're so
cool and popular.
I mean, I'm in the
high school A/V club.
I've never been able to hang
with the in crowd before.
Mmm. Stay with us.
So good.
Mmm. Oh.
Hey, they said they want
to go to prom with me.
We're gonna rent a
limo and everything.
Isn't that awesome?
Peter, they are just using you.
There can only be one winner
of the Starving Games.
Right.
All right, Kantmiss, game over.
Glammer, you're up.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[WHOOPING]
Oh! Looks like we got
ourselves a streaker.
Happens every Game.
What a yahoo.
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
Get out of here, man.
Get out of here!
Come back here.
Come back here.
Give me that.
[GASPS]
Nice impaling. Yeah.
He did this.
Then it did that.
Indeed, Cleaver.
And that's definitely gonna be
our Kill of the Day!
Kill of the Day!
Kill of the Day... Of the Day!
Our Kill of the Day
is brought to you
by BetLife insurance.
Because life is precious...
BetLife.
How are we going to kill her?
Ahem.
Uh...
why don't we just take off,
uh, go kill some other kids
and come back later?
We'll wait.
She has to come down
sooner or later.
[WHISTLES A TUNE]
[BIRD CHIRPS]
[WHISTLES A TUNE]
[BIRD CHIRPS]
[SIGHS]
Gross.
[GROANS]
Hey.
Shh.
[BEES BUZZING]
Oh.
Have the bees land
on their heads.
Okay. No, shh. Shh.
[CHAIN SAW BUZZING]
Those are tracker bees.
Getting stung causes
serious hallucinations.
Or death.
Oh!
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
[BEES BUZZING]
Ow! Ow!
Oh! My ass! Aah!
[COUGHS] I think I
just swallowed one!
[SCREAMING]
Whoa.
Ooh.
Whoa. Ooh.
What... [MUTTERS]
[PANTING, GROANING]
Oh, my God. Oh!
Oh. Oh.
[SITAR PLAYING]
Whoo.
Oh. [SIGHS]
No way.
Double rainbow.
Whoo!
Double rainbow! Ha!
Oh.
It's starting to look
like a quadruple rainbow!
Oh, my Gooood!
Yes! Yes!
Ah ha ha!
Oh, taste the rainbow.
[GROANING]
Ooh.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Wha?
Oh, my...
What is...
Oh.
Do not make any
sudden movements.
What's wrong?
[BUBBLING]
I've never seen
this happen before.
What are they?
Soul keepers.
Soul keepers!
Ah! Oh, my God! Get
'em off! Get 'em off!
Get 'em off! Get 'em off!
You are not keeping my soul!
[SQUEALS]
[SQUEALS]
[SQUEALS]
[SQUEALS] Oh! Why?
[SQUEALS]
[SQUEALS] Right
above your head.
No, no, no, no. [SQUEALS]
[ZAPPING]
[GASPING] [SQUEALING]
Whew.
I think I got 'em all.
Soul Keepers hold all of the
souls of our ancient ancestors.
There goes my sister,
my grandma
and my drunk Aunt Sheila.
[WHIMPERS]
Oops.
Who are you?
We are a proud and
ancient people
created by James Cameron.
I'm the king of the world!
[LAUGHS]
Here.
Give me your hair.
We'll join the ends
and make love,
Na'vi style.
Okay.
[CRACKLING] [MOANS]
[COOING]
[MOANING]
Ohh. [SHUDDERS]
Yeah.
Oh, yes.
Kantmiss.
Kantmiss!
Kantmiss!
Kantmiss!
Yes.
Kantmiss! Kantmiss!
Kantmiss!
Are you trying to
hook up with me?
What? No!
No, no, no, no. Um...
I think that I was
just hallucinating.
You better not
be. I'm only 12.
The way I see it, if
we're gonna survive,
we should work together.
But what happens if we're
the last two standing?
I won't hesitate.
This competition is
kill or be killed,
and I will kill you
where you stand,
dead, end of story.
Shit ain't personal,
strictly business ya dig?
Okay. Here's what
I was thinking.
I could set some fires
to flush Marco and his crew
out into the clearing,
and if you find a bow and arrow,
you could pick 'em off.
No, no. That's...
That's a great idea,
and Marco will never
see it coming.
Hello?
I'm right here.
Run! Run!
Get her!
[LAUGHS]
[THINKING] Shit.
Totally outnumbered.
What do I do? What do I do?
Think, Kantmiss. Think.
Haemorrhoidal irritation.
Aggravate with a swift
kick to the posterior.
[SLOW MOTION] Raah!
Low-hung scrotum.
Debilitate with
concise rabbit punch
to the testicular sac.
Awkward metallic orthodontic
corrective device.
Snap rubber bands to create
blunt force to the cranium.
Rampant adolescent
acne vulgaris.
Ah.
Prescribe topical acne cream.
Pubescent boy with
raging hormones.
Disarm with natural assets.
[BOY GASPS]
Allow to motorboat.
[BABBLES]
You're pretty.
[BONES SNAP]
[SLOW MOTION] Raah!
[BABBLES]
Hee.
[BONES SNAP]
[BIRDS SQUAWK]
You ready to die?
[CROWD GASPS]
Not really!
I mean, kind of hoping
I could stick around
for the sequel?
Huh? Huh?
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Mm!
All right! We know
what that sound is.
It's the end of the half.
[CROWD SIGHS]
[GRUMBLES]
[GROANS] Ah, that sucks.
I wanted to see her die.
ANNOUNCER: Halftime
with the Starving
Games cheerleaders,
presented by Viagra.
♪ Move Move ♪
♪ Move Move ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house... ♪
Eh, I like it, Siri,
but it's not...
It's not popping.
Don't worry, boo. I got you.
More filthy and
gratuitous T&A coming up.
♪ [BOING] Rock, rock ♪
♪ Feel the motion ♪
♪ as the mood changes ♪
♪ Round and round just ♪
♪ like the moon phases ♪
♪ This the part that keeps ♪
♪ the place blazin' ♪
♪ Uh-huh Feel the vibe ♪
♪ I like it, amazing ♪
♪ We go hard, ♪
♪ overnight ball ♪
♪ Party right, so ♪
♪ it can't be wrong ♪
♪ My team cannot lose ♪
♪ Here to put on ♪
♪ a show for you ♪
♪ It's time to rock ♪
♪ the house ♪
[CHEERING]
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move, move It's ♪
♪ time to rock, rock ♪
Kantmiss, what an
exciting first half.
Tell us what you're
thinking right now.
First off, I want to thank my
Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
And, uh, I'm thinking
about winning, Stanley.
I just want to win.
Bob.
Stanley, do you get a
sense that Kantmiss
is aware of the frenzy
she's creating?
I don't think so, Bob.
She's electrifying.
Cleaver's Electrifying
Halftime Highlights.
[LAUGHS]
Aah!
♪ Yeah Go ♪
♪ Oh! Oh! Oh! Go ♪
[FARTS]
Take a look at what's trending
right now on Twitter.
Helen in District 7 tweets,
"Kantmiss gives me hope!"
And Thomas in
District 11 writes,
"Kantmiss rocks,
UR sooooo hot!"
And Tyrone in the District
of Compton tweets,
"Yo, that ho
Kantmiss is da bomb,
she's mad blowing
up in da hood, yo!"
Smiley face emotion.
She is blowing up,
and I had the chance to be
on the ground in
Kantmiss' own district,
where Kantmiss fever is
at an all-time high!
STANLEY: I'm here
in District 12,
where everyone is going nuts.
It's the ultimate underdog
Cinderella story,
and the po' folks
here is eating it up,
buying up merchandise with any
and everything that has to do
with Kantmiss or the
Starving Games.
T-shirts, mugs,
totes, koozies
and bobble heads.
[BOING]
Look at me. I'm
just like Kantmiss.
Ohh!
Mis Cojones.
Yes! Direct hit!
I'm gonna shoot him again.
Ai! Cheese enchilada!
Oh, that felt good.
[SLURPING]
That was a close one. Yeah.
I almost got you.
I know. I was like, "Ohh."
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Take previous positions.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Game on!
Yay!
You ready to die?
[GASPS]
[SLOW-MOTION GASPING]
[LAUGHING]
[CHEERING]
Aah! Aah!
You little turd!
Hey! [SCREAMING]
Hey!
[SCREAMS]
[GROANS]
[K-POP PLAYS]
Aah!
[COUGHS]
Rudy.
Rudy.
Sing me a lullaby.
Okay.
♪ La, la la la... ♪
Not you!
Her!
♪ Please shut your eyes ♪
♪ Your life is fading out ♪
Am I gonna die?
No. No, no, no.
Of course you're not gonna die.
♪ Yes, you are ♪
♪ going to die ♪
♪ And worms will ♪
♪ fill your mouth ♪
Worms? Isn't that a
little dramatic?
♪ Just check right now ♪
♪ The worms are all about ♪
Damn you, Taylor Swift.
What an emotional and...
moving death, Cleaver.
It would bring a tear to my eye
if my tear ducts
weren't lacerated.
[EYE CLATTERS]
Ohh. Ohh.
[SNIFFLING]
I'm sorry.
This is bullshit.
The Capital can't just
treat us like pawns.
Yeah! Yeah!
Our life is our own,
and they can't just
make us kill each other
for their own sick amusement!
Yeah! Yeah!
What do you say?
Let's riot
and overthrow this
totalitarian government
once and for all!
Yeah! Yeah!
Whoo-hoo! [CHEERING]
We take a half-pound
of grade-A beef...
[MURMURING] and top
it with cheese.
[STOMACHS GURGLING]
Then we top it with chili...
and a hot dog and ribs
and smother it with
low-cal ranch dressing.
Then we top it with a
slice of pepperoni pizza,
with a sesame-seed bun.
Mmm, mmm.
Hey, uh... [STOMACHS GURGLING]
Are we still gonna riot?
Maybe later.
I'm too hungry now.
Then we add barbecue sauce...
tomato, onion and lettuce.
Then we add pork rinds,
Funyuns, broccoli, nacho cheese,
Spam and wings...
and ham hocks, chitlins.
Don't forget the
watermelon wedge.
Top it all off with two scoops
of pistachio ice cream,
and finish it with
another sesame-seed bun.
[ALL SIGH]
The 600,000 calorie
triple bypass burger.
Starbucks?
Got a free latte for it.
[SIGHS]
Kantmiss fever is causing
a serious problem.
We almost had a riot.
What should we do?
Give them more.
I don't understand.
The Starving Games is a hit.
Just look at the trades.
We could finally win an Emmy.
But the show's missing
one important thing.
What does every
successful show need
to bring it to the next level?
I know exactly what you mean.
A love story! A
lesbian love story!
Wait. Lesbian love story?
Who doesn't like to see
two chicks get it on?
I know I do, big time.
♪ Guh-dunh-goh ♪
But there aren't any other women
left alive in the Games.
Fine.
Do your normal
straight love story.
Bor-ing.
Oh, and, Seleca...
throw in a surprise
twist at the end,
like she dies or something.
I like that.
♪ Guh-dunh-goh ♪
[P.A.] Attention, contestants.
Attention, contestants.
Attention, contestants.
We have a rule change.
There can now be two winners
of the Starving Games.
Great. So Marco and Peter
can team up to kill me.
Uh, specifically two people
of different genders.
[GASPING] Oh.
Okay. Okay.
So I hook up with Marco,
and we kill Peter together.
Yes! [CHEERING]
Yeah. I like that.
No, we were thinking more like
you could team up with Peter.
No! No!
No! No!
No, no, I, um...
I like the whole
Marco idea better.
Hey, Kantmiss, do
me a favour here,
and hook up with
Peter. Please.
I could lose my job for this.
And that's my problem how?
[DOOR OPENS] Oh, hey.
Heh heh. Hey, guys.
What's going on?
[CROWD MURMURING]
Nah, don't worry.
I got it under
control. I swear.
[LAUGHS] [GUN COCKS]
W-What are you...
What are you doing?
[GUNSHOT] [ALL GASP]
[ANNOUNCER GROANS] Um...
Ohh! [GROANS]
I thought we were friends.
[GUN COCKS] Ah, thanks.
[GUNSHOT]
[LAUGHS]
But I got us backstage
passes to Justin Bieber.
[BARRAGE OF GUNFIRE]
[GROANS]
Oh, my God.
[DOOR CLOSES]
No. No, no, don't you do it!
Right.
Um, I'm just gonna go team
up with Peter now, so...
[NERVOUS LAUGH]
Hmm.
Peter, are you here?
PETER: I'm camouflaged.
Where are you?
I'm over here.
I don't see you.
I used my skills as a baker
to seamlessly blend in
to my surroundings.
[SIGHS] Okay, well, can
you give me a hint?
I'm in the cake.
Oh.
[GROANS]
You're injured.
Marco found out that I
really wasn't into him
and that I ultimately
was protecting you.
And he did this to you?
No.
I just got my back waxed.
[FLESH TEARS] Aah!
Oh, that... That looks bad.
I mean, it's...
Oh. Aah!
Oh, it's really
oozy. Ow. Okay.
Well, stop poking it!
[SNIFFS]
[WINCES]
Okay, well, we should
take care of you
before the infection
starts to take over.
Come on.
Ooh.
[SLAPS] Aah!
Sorry.
Stop poking it, please.
Okay.
Ah, they're cute together
Yeah, well, I still
want them to die.
Yeah. Duh!
Okay.
Marco won't find us
in here. Come on.
GIRL: I hope they get naked.
[LAUGHTER]
Come on!
Oh.
Night's falling. It's
gonna get freezing.
You've got a fever.
Here. I'll check my bag
for something for warmth.
Thanks, Kantmiss.
A Snuggie!
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
Ah. Mmm.
So warm and comfy.
What? Huh?
[WHIMPERS]
You know...
I've had a crush on you
for the longest time.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
I used to follow you home
from school every day.
Every day.
And I remember when you got
your first dress-up dolly
on your eighth birthday.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
And when you turned 12
and got your first period.
[LAUGHS]
I watched you
shower every night,
and after you got out,
I would pick through the
drain and collect your hair.
What?
You made a hair doll of me?
Not just one.
Ohh.
That's you and me,
and those are our six kids.
And who's that?
That's our puppy, Alphie.
Woof woof!
Woof! Eww.
[LAUGHS]
She's the runt of the litter,
but we love her all the same.
Ohh.
Ah, you got a hairy chick, dude.
[GROANS]
I'm so hungry.
Poor baby.
[SIGHS]
Soup! What?
That'll definitely
make you feel better.
Hmm?
[SLURPING] What?
I... I think that they want
us to be more romantic,
and, in return, they'll send
us stuff to make you better.
Sounds good to me.
[FOOTSTEP CRUNCHES]
[SIGHS]
Sorry, Dale.
[CROWD GROANS] What?!
Really?
CROWD: Ooh. Oh, come on.
Hey, who thinks
they're gonna do it?
We do! We do!
Screw you all!
[FOOTSTEP CRUNCHES]
What is it now?
All right!
Peter, I don't know
if I can do this.
Oh, my back.
[WINCES]
I'm dying.
I don't know how much
longer I can hang on.
All right. Let's...
give them what they want.
[SWALLOWS]
Fantastic.
True dat.
Ow. Ow!
Can you not grab
my butt so hard?
I'm not touching
your butt at all.
Ohh!
Do not be afraid.
I am but a kindly old wizard.
Get your hand off my ass!
Right. Well...
let me explain.
You see, we were travelling.
We were on... [GASPS]
We were on our way
[SQUIRTING] to the Misty...
The Misty Mountains, yes.
And then we heard a moan
coming from inside this cave,
and fearing it to be
a moan of distress
and being the good
Samaritans that we are,
we came in here to help you.
Get out!
Yes. Well. Okay.
I bid you adieu.
[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Ooh. Ooh.
♪ Ooh, baby ♪
♪ You know what ♪
♪ we're gonna do ♪
♪ It's time ♪
♪ for making love ♪
Whoa!
♪ Just me and you ♪
♪ Just me and you ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ You know what ♪
♪ we came to do ♪
[BLOWS] [LAUGHS]
♪ Aww. Kantmiss. It's ♪
♪ time for making love ♪
♪ Just me and you ♪
♪ Like that? ♪
Yeah, love it! I
love it! Yeah!
Not her first trip
to the rodeo, eh?
Oh, yeah! Oh, Kantmiss!
Yeah! Oh!
Wow! Whoa.
Ohh! Ohh!
Oh, Peter, yes!
[SQUEAKING]
Score! [SQUEAKING]
Even I don't get to do that!
Oh, give me your
hand. Oh, God.
Yes!
Ride the donkey. Yes!
Ohh! Ohh!
And it's even better in 3-D.
♪ 'Cause now ♪
♪ that you're here ♪
♪ I'm gonna... ♪
Ooh. Ooh.
♪ Oh, baby Yeah ♪
♪ PETER: District 12! You ♪
♪ know what we're gonna do ♪
♪ That's it! It's ♪
♪ time for making love ♪
Ooh. Ooh.
♪ Just me and you Ahh. ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, whoa ♪
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Thanks again for last night.
Now that you're better,
we have to go out there.
We have to kill Marco so we can
both win the game and go home.
I... I would, but...
I think the infection's
starting to come back.
Don't push it! [SQUEALS]
Where do you think you're going?
You can't go in there!
Whoa! Did you... Ha!
[CROWD MURMURING]
He's right there.
When are they gonna kill
each other already?
I'm getting bored. Me, too.
Aah!
It's time to end this
once and for all.
Siri. [BEEP]
Dang! What you need now?
Let's have a grand finale.
Send in the big guns.
Oh, shit.
I'll give you a war
you wouldn't believe.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Yippie-ki-yay...
[GASPS] Oh.
Damn it. I don't
have a catchphrase.
Ha ha ha! I have
so many of them.
I'll be back.
You know what I mean, Chuck?
No.
Because I'm Chuck Norris,
and catchphrases need me!
Enh.
Why don't you shut up,
you smarty-pants wisenheimer
piece of shit?!
Let's just kill 'em.
[GASPS] Oh.
[CROWD GASPS]
Ready!
[GASPING]
Aim.
Yes!
Yo, Adrian!
Fire! [SCREAMS]
[GUNFIRE]
[GROANING]
[ALL SIGH]
Gah!
[SIGHS]
Dale?
Dale?
What's going on with
you and this guy?
I'll talk to you about it later.
I saw you kiss him.
[CHUCKLES]
I am in the middle
of a death match.
Do you like him?
Dale, you are embarrassing me.
Go home. Nyah.
No! If anyone should leave...
he should.
Okay. Yeah. I-I'll leave.
Now, Dale! Fine.
Fine!
But I'm changing my
Facebook status to single.
Sorry about that.
He's always been really clingy.
That's cool.
[SCREAMS] [GASPS]
Unbelievable.
What are you gonna do, Kantmiss?
You shoot and miss,
lover boy here is dead.
[WHIMPERS]
Yes!
[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]
[MURMURING]
No, no, no, no!
[MURMURING]
Huh? Huh?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh! Oh!
That'll work.
[CHEERING]
How about that, Cleaver?
Against all odds, they've
done it. They've won.
Yay.
[CHEERING CONTINUES] Whew!
Peter, we won.
We survived!
We're both going home.
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
SELECA: Attention,
contestants.
There has been yet
another rule change.
[CHEERING QUIETS]
[MURMURING]
And if you're thinking
what I'm thinking,
you're right.
There again can be
only one winner.
[LAUGHS]
Good luck.
What if we don't give
'em the satisfaction?
What if we both kill ourselves
and there are no victors?
[SIGHS]
We'll ruin the Games,
and we'll show
th-that the Capital,
they can't control us!
I found these poisonous
berries in the woods.
W-We can eat them a-and die.
[ALL GASP]
Shit ain't personal,
strictly business, ya dig?
[CHEERING]
[LAUGHS]
Whaah! Whoa! [BOWL SHATTERS]
SIRI: Fuck me!
Best Starving Games ever!
It's a nice shot, Kantmiss.
What're you doing here?
I practically show up
at the end of every movie.
Superhero movies, yeah, but...
Well, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
We could use some
fresh, young blood.
I mean, shit!
Just how many sequels
to "Iron Man,"
"Thor" and "Captain America"
can we make, right?
And you're pretty handy
with that bow and arrow.
HAWKEYE: Ahem!
Uh, Nick, the, uh,
bow and arrow is
sort of my thing.
Shut your ass, Hawkeye!
You're lucky you even
in the Avengers!
Yeah, but... And
don't you think
for one god-damn minute
that Marvel is gonna
spin off your character!
"Hawkeye, colon,
The Avenger Nobody
Gives a Shit About,"
will definitely not be coming
soon to a theatre near you!
[SOBS] [LAUGHS]
Burn!
Burn. [SIZZLES]
Ow.
Oh, stop being such a cherry!
So what do you say, Kantmiss?
I'm in.
But, um, I'm kind of hungry.
Do you mind if we get
something to eat first?
Let's go get some shawarma.
[LAUGHS]
Avengers assemble!
Wait, don't step off those...
Oops.
[AIR HORN SOUNDS]
Oh! You know what
that sound means?
Bob's Post-Game Bloopers.
♪ Move ♪
♪ Move ♪
Aah! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
♪ Move... ♪
[LAUGHTER]
Good.
Blooper reel.
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ It's time to ♪
♪ rock the house... ♪
Ohh.
[SNORTS] Sorry.
♪ It's time to rock the ♪
♪ house Move... ♪
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
Blooper reel!
Cutting! Yeah!
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house... ♪
Oh.
And the wig is down.
Okay. I'm sorry.
I gotta get more
excited about you.
[CHUCKLES] Let's do it.
Touch my leg.
Here we go.
Dude, stop.
[LAUGHS]
Prank, take one.
Ohh!
[DALE LAUGHS] Look at you!
Dale, that's romantic and all.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
Yes, why don't you give
me a little dance?
♪ Boom, chika, ♪
♪ boom, chika ♪
♪ Boom, chika, ♪
♪ boom, chika ♪
♪ Boom, chika, boom, ♪
♪ boom, chika be ♪
On the down, not the up.
♪ Be, chika, boom chik ♪
That's good. Now
like a penguin.
♪ Boom, chika, ♪
♪ boom, chika ♪
♪ Boom, chika, boo... ♪
That's the worst penguin
I've ever seen. Do it again.
♪ Boom, chika, ♪
♪ boom, chika ♪
Do you like watching Pygmies?
Oh, yeah. Oh. That looks good.
Look at that dripping.
I just got my back waxed.
[LAUGHS] I'm sorry.
Kick. Hah!
Sorry.
I kicked your ass.
No, that's fine. Don't...
♪ It's time to ♪
♪ rock the house... ♪
[LAUGHTER]
WOMAN: And this
is my sidekick.
Mother pus. What'd I say?
With me.
And this is... [LAUGHS]
Shh. My sidekick.
And this is my sidekick.
Yeah. That's funny.
You got one line.
[LAUGHS] [LAUGHTER]
You do.
Ready?
And I have another Tess Tickles.
I need to see a bi...
No, it's not, "I need to see."
Stop hiding, and show me...
God damn it.
I need a pair of Tess Tickles!
Shit.
For bug zapper.
Contact.
Contact. Contact. Contact.
Uh-oh.
Hold on.
♪ It's time to rock ♪
♪ the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
[LAUGHS] I'm sorry.
♪ Move It's time to ♪
♪ rock, rock, rock... ♪
A partially eaten pickle.
So happy Starving Games,
and may the odds be
never in your favour.
That is the worst
pickle I've ever had.
[LAUGHTER]
We have to kill Marco
and win the games.
Sorry. Ahh. Sorry.
We have to kill Marco
so we can both go home
and win the ga...
God damn it. Sorry.
♪ Move [LAUGHING] ♪
♪ Move ♪
♪ Move It's time to ♪
♪ rock, rock, rock... ♪
♪ Move [SPUTTERS] ♪
[LAUGHTER]
♪ Move ♪
♪ Move ♪
[LAUGHTER]
Wow, that's amazing.
That is good. What is that?
It's a divine mixture
of fox blood and bear [BLEEP].
Delicious. Right?
Hey!
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, Phil, stay down there
and put your finger
in his mouth.
Okay. We're done.
We're done with this.
[LAUGHTER]
Blooper reel.
Blooper reel.
Cutting!
♪ Move ♪
♪ Move, move, move ♪
♪ Move ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING]
Spoof 2013 720p [H264-mp4] English
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Hey, Kantmiss! [ARROW WHIZZES]
I am the great and powerful...
Aah!
Dale!
Just wanted to surprise you.
You made me miss my shot.
[BODY THUDS] BALLOONIST: Ow.
Son of a bitch! My back!
Look what I got.
Is it real?
Ohh! Psych!
It's gag bread!
[SPITS] [LAUGHS]
Look at you.
[LAUGHS]
Right.
You know...
we could run away from here.
We could live some place else.
Like where?
Anywhere that's
better than here.
Darfur. Syria.
New Jersey.
Dale, that's... that's
romantic and all...
but I can't leave my sister.
I can't leave either.
My dear, old grandma
depends on me to feed her.
God, I am never having kids.
I mean, how can
you raise a child
in a world where they televise
all of life's misery and
inhumanity and then pass it off
as some sort of twisted
entertainment?
"The Hunger Games."
"16 and Pregnant."
[P.A.] Good morning,
hungry citizens of District 12.
In today's news, we
still have no food,
and the weather will be shitty.
Oh, and don't forget,
today is the Gathering Ceremony,
so, parents, please bring
your beloved children
to the square for a
random death lottery.
Thank you.
I heard that some
kids are so afraid
of getting picked for the Games
that they'll actually
try to get disqualified
by injuring or
maiming themselves.
That's an urban legend.
[SQUEALS]
Uhh! [GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
Get in line.
[MOANS]
Oh, come on, bitch.
[MOOS]
Ipso facto p...
Your movie franchise is over.
Get back in line.
Get back in line.
Bloody dick.
Hey, no talking.
Keep it moving.
I gotta find my sister.
Good luck.
Petunia. Kantmiss.
Hey, Mom.
I'm scared, Kantmiss.
I'm scared.
Hey, hey, don't be.
I got you this.
It's the most courageous
bird that there is...
a chicken. [CHICKEN SQUAWKS]
When you wear this, nothing
bad can happen to you.
[SCREAMS]
Shh. Shh. No, don't cry.
You're gonna be fine, okay?
I promise.
[GROANS]
Keep moving.
Line up!
Girls on the right.
Boys on the left!
Welcome to the 75th
annual Starving Games.
Oh. Oh! Ohh!
[BOWL SHATTERS]
Hey. Ohh!
[CROWD GASPS]
But that was my sausage!
And now a video from
our esteemed leader,
President Snowballs.
[LATIN MUSIC PLAYS]
NARRATOR: He once killed
his own mother...
[GUNSHOT] [ALL GASP]
Because she forgot to cut
the crust off his PB&J.
[SNICKERS] [GIGGLES]
His only Facebook
friend is Mel Gibson.
[ALL GASP]
He has an online blog
that gives away the
endings of movies
without ever using the
disclaimer "spoiler alert."
What? He is...
the most terrible
man in the world.
I don't always like beer,
but when I want one,
I choose Tres Equis.
Tastes like piss water.
Aah!
[ALL GASP]
Every year, I make you
watch this video,
because, well, you're dumb.
People forget how in the past
shit really hit the fan.
Corporations got too big,
and people lost trust.
[BOOING]
They staged sit-ins.
They rioted.
You elected Lady
Gaga as President
and her running
mate Nicki Minaj.
That's why we wear these
kooky clothes now
and have bizarre hairdos.
[ALL GROAN]
Then I took over
and separated the
country into districts
so that stupid shit
never happened again.
Aah!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You've proven that
democracy doesn't work,
and I'm here, in my sixth
self-proclaimed term,
to ensure that all
free will is expunged,
never to rear its
ugly head again.
[DUBBED SINISTER LAUGH]
[NEIGHS]
[ALL GASP]
[BOOING]
Yes, that brings us to today.
Just to prove what a sick,
sadistic prick I am
and how you have no control...
[ALL GROAN]
And admittedly after
watching "The Running Man"
and the Japanese cult
hit "Battle Royale,"
I came up with the
Starving Games.
Two kids from each
district are selected
to play a game to the death
with only one survivor.
The winner is to be
showered with a bounty,
including an old ham...
Oh, I love old ham.
This coupon to Subway...
Buy any foot-long for
a six-inch price...
[ALL GASP] and...
a partially eaten pickle.
[GASPING] So happy
Starving Games,
and may the odds be
never in your favour.
[ALL BOO]
[MOANS]
A President Snowballs
production.
Now let the gathering
begin! Ahem.
[HUMMING A TUNE]
Hugh Janus.
[MURMURING] Hmm?
No? Yeah. All right.
I'll pick again. Heh.
Phil Mahooters.
[LAUGHING]
Please, Phil Mahooters?
Dean Gullberry.
[LAUGHING]
Everyone look around.
Check behind you for
a Dean Gullberry.
This is being televised
around the country!
You won't be laughing
when two of you are picked
and thrown into the arena
for your most certain deaths.
[CROWD QUIETS]
Ahem.
[CHUCKLES]
It's okay.
Petunia Evershot.
[CROWD GASPING]
Whoo!
Yes! Yes!
I didn't get picked.
Hoo-whoo!
Hoo! Whoo! Yeah!
♪ I didn't get picked ♪
♪ I'm 18 now ♪
♪ No mo' games ♪
♪ for me now ♪
♪ Unh, unh, suck it ♪
Whoo! Come on! Gimme some.
Yeah. One more. Oh! Whew.
But I got picked.
Petunia, I am so sorry.
Petunia, no. Not fair.
Do not give me those
puppy-dog eyes.
[CRYING]
I volunteer!
Oh.
I volunteer for the
Starving Games!
Thanks, big sis.
Oh! If you never make
it back from the Games,
can I eat your pet hamster?
[SQUEALS]
What?
[SLURPS]
[SQUEAKS]
[CHUCKLES] Come, dear.
[LAUGHS]
Now let's pick a boy to
join you in the games.
I volunteer also!
[ALL GASP] Who said that?
I did.
I'm Peter Malarkey.
Oh.
Hey, Kantmiss.
I volunteered
because I like you,
a lot, and I... I'm sorry.
Do I know you?
Um...
I'm... I'm the baker's son.
I once fed you when
you were hungry.
Oh, right.
You gave me that walnut bread.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I have a severe nut allergy,
and I almost died.
Let's hear it for
our contestants!
[LAUGHS]
And don't forget to tune
in to the Starving Games
after the season finale
of "Downton Abbey."
Can't we say our goodbyes?
Of course, dear.
The Capital isn't
completely inhumane.
You got 9 seconds.
Petunia! Kantmiss!
Don't worry. You're in
good hands with Mom.
What's up with that Peter dude?
What?
I mean he's a total dork, right?
How much do you
think he benches?
Uh...
Time's up!
Dale! Yeah?
Promise me you'll
take care of Petunia!
I will, Kantmiss.
I promise.
Wait!
Later.
Shit heads.
The Nike Swoosh?
Yes, I started selling
advertising space on my face.
Your willingness to sell
out and whore yourself
is the primary reason I
made you head programmer.
Thank you, Mr. President.
How is the big TV show looking?
Fantastic. We've replaced Charlie
Sheen with Ashton Kutcher,
and no one really
seems to give a shit.
And the Starving Games?
It's gonna be a great show.
We have some very
interesting contestants,
with 2 volunteers
from District 12.
Volunteers.
R-O-T-F-L-O-L.
And because you made it law
that whoever doesn't watch the
Games would be publicly flogged,
we're expecting
record high ratings.
Well, after last years debacle,
I really had no choice.
"Celebrity Starving
Games" was a lousy idea.
No one could have anticipated
that Oprah would eat all
the other contestants.
I want this game to go
off without a hitch.
I don't want some underdog
from a poor district to enter the
Games and stir up the masses
with her archery skills
and her brunette hair
fashioned into a
trademark single braid,
inspiring revolt which will not
only overthrows my presidency,
but also spawns a successful
four-quadrant blockbuster.
Ohh!
And I may need a new gardener.
I'm Stanley Ceaserman,
and this is
"The Starving Games
Countdown Show!"
[CHEERING]
[LAUGHS]
Tomorrow, the Games begin,
but tonight, we're going
to meet the contestants.
You'll get to know them
through their touching
back stories,
where we'll manipulate
you with heavily edited
home video footage and
tragic testimonials.
Then, when you're emotionally
attached to them,
we'll send them off to
their horrific slaughter.
[CHEERING] [LAUGHS]
Let's meet our first contestant.
Going in order
from District One,
he's the odds-on favourite
to win this thing.
He's blond. He's Waspy.
He's the Aryan youth incarnate.
He's Marco!
[CHEERING]
Yeah!
Ahh! Yeah!
Hello, guy.
Tell us about yourself.
I'm from District One.
It's a prime district.
Who are you?
I'm Cinnamon,
your stylist.
How are you holding up?
I'm scared.
I don't want to die.
Ahh. I'm here to tell you
that I believe in you.
You can win this.
I looked at your records,
and you are smarter and
craftier than all of them.
Really? You think
that I can win?
Yes, Patricia.
I know it.
Who's Patricia?
[RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES]
You're not the girl
from District Three?
No, I'm from District 12.
[GASPS]
[SNORTS]
You know, this is
perfectly normal.
You seem like you
strong... [SNORTS]
And now, from District
12, Peter Malarkey.
[APPLAUSE]
So, Peter, tell us,
is there a special
someone in your life?
Yeah.
Yeah, there is someone.
Aww. Aww.
Ohh.
Well, do tell. [LAUGHS]
The person's actually
here tonight,
a person who is...
also in the Games.
In the Games with you?
Aww. Aww.
Well, go on.
Well...
it's a person I've been wanting
to get closer to
for a long time.
You son of a bitch.
PETER: So...
tall,
with beautiful eyes
and a smoking hot bod, but...
you know, more than anything,
this person's got
a lot of heart.
Aww. Aww.
Well, you must tell
us. Who is it?
It's Marco!
[CHEERING] Me?
Heh.
Huh? Huh?
[CROWD MURMURS]
STANLEY: Let's
hear it for Peter.
You little shit!
I'm gonna stick a
foot in your ass!
Ohh! Jeez.
What the hell was that about?
It's called building
an alliance.
[GASPS]
Haven't you ever watched
"Survivor" or "Big Brother"?
Aah! [GASPS] When's...
When was the last time you
trimmed your toenails?
[POPS]
Ohh.
And now, for our
final contestant,
from District 12,
Kantmiss Evershot.
Whoo!
Let's take a look.
Kantmiss is the best big
sister in the world.
She takes care of me. She
feeds me. She clothes me.
She even reads to me.
Ever since Dad died,
Mom's been a little bummed out,
but that doesn't stop the three of
us from having a whole lot of fun.
From the first time I
saw Kantmiss, I knew.
I knew she was the one for me.
She's got class.
She's a real lady.
[FARTS]
Oh, my God.
[FARTING CONTINUES]
[LAUGHS]
[FARTING CONTINUES]
[PANTING]
Ohh! Oh, my God.
[GROANS] [SPLASHES]
Ohh! Ohh!
Isn't that just touching?
Aww. Aww.
Let's bring her out, shall we?
[LAUGHS]
Kantmiss Evershot!
[STANLEY LAUGHING]
So, Kantmiss, that's
quite a dress.
Give us a little spin.
[APPLAUSE]
Heh. Go on.
Don't be shy.
[LAUGHING]
[APPLAUSE]
Very nice. [LAUGHS]
STANLEY: Oh.
Wow, I'm getting
word that flames
actually ignite from the dress.
Flames?
[GASPING]
[CHEERING]
[LAUGHING] [SCREAMING]
Oh! [BLEEP]! Oh!
Oh, my God. Oh, [BLEEP].
Oh, [BLEEP]. Aah!
[SCREAMS]
Why are you clapping,
you stupid [BLEEP]?!
Aah!
I'm on [BLEEP] fire!
I'm on [BLEEP] fire!
Let's hear it for Kantmiss,
the girl on fire!
Ah, [BLEEP]! It's on fire!
It's on fire! It burns!
I'm on [BLEEP] fire! [BLEEP]!
Good morning, sport fans,
and welcome to the 75th
annual Starving Games.
I'm your host Bob Hylox,
and with me is my sidekick
and colour commentator,
Cleaver Williams.
Cleaver, how you doing?
Excited about today's Games?
Fantastic.
Cleaver is a past Games
winner, of course.
In fact, Cleaver, why
don't you tell everybody
in the district watching,
how you got that
delightful nickname.
I used a meat cleaver
to kill everyone.
Still got the old moves.
[DEVICE BEEPS]
Hello, Siri.
[URBAN ACCENT] Hello, Seleca.
How's it hanging, boo?
Low and to the left.
[LAUGHS] Good one.
All right. Looks
like the contestants
have taken the field.
All right, Siri,
cut to the field.
Say your prayers, my son,
'cause you are dead.
[SOBS]
And the countdown has begun.
30,
29...
Oh, God. 28...
27...
Hmm?
26...
25...
[CHUCKLES]
24,
23,
22...
21...
Now, it's very important
that the contestants don't move
off the silver
circles before zero.
Otherwise, kablammo,
as the field is booby-trapped
with explosives.
Don't need to remind me.
I went too soon, and I
still can't poop right.
How 'bout that?
13,
12...
11... Huh?
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS]
What are you doing here?
We were asked to perform
at the opening ceremony.
This is the arena.
Oh, you're looking
for stage two.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Oh. Thanks. Thanks.
[WHIMPERS]
Oops.
[CHEERING]
Wow! What a way to
start the Games!
10,
9...
8... [GROWLING]
7...
6,
5...
4...
3...
2...
1.
[SCREAMS]
[SCATTERED YELLING]
[BONES CRACK]
[SCREAMING]
[BLADE STABS]
Siri, more blood.
Oh.
[CROWD GASPS]
Much better.
[SCREAMING]
Ooh! Ooh!
[SCREAMING]
[CHEERING]
Yeah, Marco! Yeah!
Let go!
I got here first!
Yaah! Now give it to me!
No. I'm not letting go.
There is a dagger in your back!
I'm okay!
What?
It's fine.
It's fine? [BUZZING]
Seriously? You're
not letting go?
I want this backpack!
[SCREAMS]
I want this backpack!
I want it. It's mine!
I'm not letting go!
That was my backpack!
[CANNON BOOMS]
What was that sound?
It's the cannon.
They shoot it off
to announce whenever
someone is killed.
Nice. Looks like the odds
just got better for me, then.
[FLYING OBJECT WHISTLES]
My balls!
Oh! That has got to hurt.
Let's see an instant replay.
[SLOW MOTION] My balls!
[LAUGHS]
My balls!
My balls!
[LAUGHS]
My ball...
My ball... My... My ball...
My ball...
My balls!
That makes me laugh, Bob.
Get away from me!
Wow!
[GROANS]
[MURMURING] Who is this girl?
What district is she from?
I'm standing here in
scummy District 12,
where people can't believe
that Peter and Kantmiss
have actually
survived the opening.
You can see the
excitement is high,
as no one from this district
has won in a very long time.
Yeah! Unh!
Go, Kantmiss! Whoo!
That's my girl!
[LAUGHS] That's my girl!
[LAUGHING] Yeah!
Back to you in the studio.
I'm on TV!
Thanks, Stanley.
And how's the scoreboard
looking, Cleaver?
Got a lot of people dead.
Still, lot of people alive.
Enlightening.
Oh, looks like Kantmiss
is making her way
to the outer edge of the arena.
[BEEP] Siri, slow her down.
Ow.
Now let's get Kantmiss back
to the centre of the action.
Holla!
And cue the thrilling
action music.
SIRI: Ooh.
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]
[CROWD GASPING]
[GASPS]
[SCREAMING]
Hmm.
[CHEERING]
Oh, you want to
play, huh? Okay.
[BEEP] Siri.
Yeah, what you need?
Attack her with the latest
technological weaponry we have.
Whoo-hah!
Oh, shit!
Yah! Whee hee hee!
Hee hee hee!
[LAUGHTER]
[FALLING OBJECT
WHISTLES] [GASPS]
[CROWD GASPS]
No.
What? What?
Orange you glad to see me?
[LAUGHS] Hey, hey, hey!
What do you get when
you cross an orange
with Quentin Tarantino?
"Pulp Fiction." You get it?
[GROANING] Pulp. [LAUGHS]
Hey, Kantmiss,
last time I saw tits that small,
I was staring at a
pair of kumquats.
[LAUGHS]
Aah!
[CHEERING]
Go, Kantmiss!
[BEEP] Ooh,
she sure showed
yo' sorry ass up!
You... You shut up,
Siri. You shut up!
Shit. Don't hate the player.
You... Hate the game!
Wow! I've never seen
anyone do that before.
She's badass.
Respect.
Reminds me a little
bit of myself.
I'll stop now before
I get too emotional.
Eat my ass!
[SIGHS]
Think you're so tough?
Well, come back
from this, bitch!
[LAUGHS]
[BOYS GRUNTING]
[BOY LAUGHS] [GROANS]
[CANNON FIRES]
Hey, guys, come on!
Let's go this way!
GIRL: Come on. Hurry!
BOY: Let's go!
[GROANS]
GIRL: When I see
her, she's mine.
BOY: She's gotta be
around here somewhere.
You sure Kantmiss came this way?
PETER: Uh, I know it.
How can we be so sure
that we can trust you?
I mean, didn't you volunteer
to be in the games
just so you can get
closer to Kantmiss?
No.
I mean, maybe at first,
but I don't like her anymore.
Really?
Well, you know,
back in District 12, she's...
She's known as quite the whore.
Ahh.
There.
Heh.
Nice work, Peter.
Thanks.
I'm gonna bust her
gut wide open.
This little princess
is all mine.
Raah! [MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS]
[LAUGHING]
And there's Kantmiss!
Oh, no. We're gonna kill you.
Right after we eat our
delicious treats.
Huh?
How can you be with them?
I don't know.
I... I guess I just...
really like them. [LAUGHS]
Th-They're so
cool and popular.
I mean, I'm in the
high school A/V club.
I've never been able to hang
with the in crowd before.
Mmm. Stay with us.
So good.
Mmm. Oh.
Hey, they said they want
to go to prom with me.
We're gonna rent a
limo and everything.
Isn't that awesome?
Peter, they are just using you.
There can only be one winner
of the Starving Games.
Right.
All right, Kantmiss, game over.
Glammer, you're up.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[WHOOPING]
Oh! Looks like we got
ourselves a streaker.
Happens every Game.
What a yahoo.
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
Get out of here, man.
Get out of here!
Come back here.
Come back here.
Give me that.
[GASPS]
Nice impaling. Yeah.
He did this.
Then it did that.
Indeed, Cleaver.
And that's definitely gonna be
our Kill of the Day!
Kill of the Day!
Kill of the Day... Of the Day!
Our Kill of the Day
is brought to you
by BetLife insurance.
Because life is precious...
BetLife.
How are we going to kill her?
Ahem.
Uh...
why don't we just take off,
uh, go kill some other kids
and come back later?
We'll wait.
She has to come down
sooner or later.
[WHISTLES A TUNE]
[BIRD CHIRPS]
[WHISTLES A TUNE]
[BIRD CHIRPS]
[SIGHS]
Gross.
[GROANS]
Hey.
Shh.
[BEES BUZZING]
Oh.
Have the bees land
on their heads.
Okay. No, shh. Shh.
[CHAIN SAW BUZZING]
Those are tracker bees.
Getting stung causes
serious hallucinations.
Or death.
Oh!
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
[BEES BUZZING]
Ow! Ow!
Oh! My ass! Aah!
[COUGHS] I think I
just swallowed one!
[SCREAMING]
Whoa.
Ooh.
Whoa. Ooh.
What... [MUTTERS]
[PANTING, GROANING]
Oh, my God. Oh!
Oh. Oh.
[SITAR PLAYING]
Whoo.
Oh. [SIGHS]
No way.
Double rainbow.
Whoo!
Double rainbow! Ha!
Oh.
It's starting to look
like a quadruple rainbow!
Oh, my Gooood!
Yes! Yes!
Ah ha ha!
Oh, taste the rainbow.
[GROANING]
Ooh.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Wha?
Oh, my...
What is...
Oh.
Do not make any
sudden movements.
What's wrong?
[BUBBLING]
I've never seen
this happen before.
What are they?
Soul keepers.
Soul keepers!
Ah! Oh, my God! Get
'em off! Get 'em off!
Get 'em off! Get 'em off!
You are not keeping my soul!
[SQUEALS]
[SQUEALS]
[SQUEALS]
[SQUEALS] Oh! Why?
[SQUEALS]
[SQUEALS] Right
above your head.
No, no, no, no. [SQUEALS]
[ZAPPING]
[GASPING] [SQUEALING]
Whew.
I think I got 'em all.
Soul Keepers hold all of the
souls of our ancient ancestors.
There goes my sister,
my grandma
and my drunk Aunt Sheila.
[WHIMPERS]
Oops.
Who are you?
We are a proud and
ancient people
created by James Cameron.
I'm the king of the world!
[LAUGHS]
Here.
Give me your hair.
We'll join the ends
and make love,
Na'vi style.
Okay.
[CRACKLING] [MOANS]
[COOING]
[MOANING]
Ohh. [SHUDDERS]
Yeah.
Oh, yes.
Kantmiss.
Kantmiss!
Kantmiss!
Kantmiss!
Yes.
Kantmiss! Kantmiss!
Kantmiss!
Are you trying to
hook up with me?
What? No!
No, no, no, no. Um...
I think that I was
just hallucinating.
You better not
be. I'm only 12.
The way I see it, if
we're gonna survive,
we should work together.
But what happens if we're
the last two standing?
I won't hesitate.
This competition is
kill or be killed,
and I will kill you
where you stand,
dead, end of story.
Shit ain't personal,
strictly business ya dig?
Okay. Here's what
I was thinking.
I could set some fires
to flush Marco and his crew
out into the clearing,
and if you find a bow and arrow,
you could pick 'em off.
No, no. That's...
That's a great idea,
and Marco will never
see it coming.
Hello?
I'm right here.
Run! Run!
Get her!
[LAUGHS]
[THINKING] Shit.
Totally outnumbered.
What do I do? What do I do?
Think, Kantmiss. Think.
Haemorrhoidal irritation.
Aggravate with a swift
kick to the posterior.
[SLOW MOTION] Raah!
Low-hung scrotum.
Debilitate with
concise rabbit punch
to the testicular sac.
Awkward metallic orthodontic
corrective device.
Snap rubber bands to create
blunt force to the cranium.
Rampant adolescent
acne vulgaris.
Ah.
Prescribe topical acne cream.
Pubescent boy with
raging hormones.
Disarm with natural assets.
[BOY GASPS]
Allow to motorboat.
[BABBLES]
You're pretty.
[BONES SNAP]
[SLOW MOTION] Raah!
[BABBLES]
Hee.
[BONES SNAP]
[BIRDS SQUAWK]
You ready to die?
[CROWD GASPS]
Not really!
I mean, kind of hoping
I could stick around
for the sequel?
Huh? Huh?
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Mm!
All right! We know
what that sound is.
It's the end of the half.
[CROWD SIGHS]
[GRUMBLES]
[GROANS] Ah, that sucks.
I wanted to see her die.
ANNOUNCER: Halftime
with the Starving
Games cheerleaders,
presented by Viagra.
♪ Move Move ♪
♪ Move Move ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house... ♪
Eh, I like it, Siri,
but it's not...
It's not popping.
Don't worry, boo. I got you.
More filthy and
gratuitous T&A coming up.
♪ [BOING] Rock, rock ♪
♪ Feel the motion ♪
♪ as the mood changes ♪
♪ Round and round just ♪
♪ like the moon phases ♪
♪ This the part that keeps ♪
♪ the place blazin' ♪
♪ Uh-huh Feel the vibe ♪
♪ I like it, amazing ♪
♪ We go hard, ♪
♪ overnight ball ♪
♪ Party right, so ♪
♪ it can't be wrong ♪
♪ My team cannot lose ♪
♪ Here to put on ♪
♪ a show for you ♪
♪ It's time to rock ♪
♪ the house ♪
[CHEERING]
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move, move It's ♪
♪ time to rock, rock ♪
Kantmiss, what an
exciting first half.
Tell us what you're
thinking right now.
First off, I want to thank my
Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
And, uh, I'm thinking
about winning, Stanley.
I just want to win.
Bob.
Stanley, do you get a
sense that Kantmiss
is aware of the frenzy
she's creating?
I don't think so, Bob.
She's electrifying.
Cleaver's Electrifying
Halftime Highlights.
[LAUGHS]
Aah!
♪ Yeah Go ♪
♪ Oh! Oh! Oh! Go ♪
[FARTS]
Take a look at what's trending
right now on Twitter.
Helen in District 7 tweets,
"Kantmiss gives me hope!"
And Thomas in
District 11 writes,
"Kantmiss rocks,
UR sooooo hot!"
And Tyrone in the District
of Compton tweets,
"Yo, that ho
Kantmiss is da bomb,
she's mad blowing
up in da hood, yo!"
Smiley face emotion.
She is blowing up,
and I had the chance to be
on the ground in
Kantmiss' own district,
where Kantmiss fever is
at an all-time high!
STANLEY: I'm here
in District 12,
where everyone is going nuts.
It's the ultimate underdog
Cinderella story,
and the po' folks
here is eating it up,
buying up merchandise with any
and everything that has to do
with Kantmiss or the
Starving Games.
T-shirts, mugs,
totes, koozies
and bobble heads.
[BOING]
Look at me. I'm
just like Kantmiss.
Ohh!
Mis Cojones.
Yes! Direct hit!
I'm gonna shoot him again.
Ai! Cheese enchilada!
Oh, that felt good.
[SLURPING]
That was a close one. Yeah.
I almost got you.
I know. I was like, "Ohh."
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Take previous positions.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Game on!
Yay!
You ready to die?
[GASPS]
[SLOW-MOTION GASPING]
[LAUGHING]
[CHEERING]
Aah! Aah!
You little turd!
Hey! [SCREAMING]
Hey!
[SCREAMS]
[GROANS]
[K-POP PLAYS]
Aah!
[COUGHS]
Rudy.
Rudy.
Sing me a lullaby.
Okay.
♪ La, la la la... ♪
Not you!
Her!
♪ Please shut your eyes ♪
♪ Your life is fading out ♪
Am I gonna die?
No. No, no, no.
Of course you're not gonna die.
♪ Yes, you are ♪
♪ going to die ♪
♪ And worms will ♪
♪ fill your mouth ♪
Worms? Isn't that a
little dramatic?
♪ Just check right now ♪
♪ The worms are all about ♪
Damn you, Taylor Swift.
What an emotional and...
moving death, Cleaver.
It would bring a tear to my eye
if my tear ducts
weren't lacerated.
[EYE CLATTERS]
Ohh. Ohh.
[SNIFFLING]
I'm sorry.
This is bullshit.
The Capital can't just
treat us like pawns.
Yeah! Yeah!
Our life is our own,
and they can't just
make us kill each other
for their own sick amusement!
Yeah! Yeah!
What do you say?
Let's riot
and overthrow this
totalitarian government
once and for all!
Yeah! Yeah!
Whoo-hoo! [CHEERING]
We take a half-pound
of grade-A beef...
[MURMURING] and top
it with cheese.
[STOMACHS GURGLING]
Then we top it with chili...
and a hot dog and ribs
and smother it with
low-cal ranch dressing.
Then we top it with a
slice of pepperoni pizza,
with a sesame-seed bun.
Mmm, mmm.
Hey, uh... [STOMACHS GURGLING]
Are we still gonna riot?
Maybe later.
I'm too hungry now.
Then we add barbecue sauce...
tomato, onion and lettuce.
Then we add pork rinds,
Funyuns, broccoli, nacho cheese,
Spam and wings...
and ham hocks, chitlins.
Don't forget the
watermelon wedge.
Top it all off with two scoops
of pistachio ice cream,
and finish it with
another sesame-seed bun.
[ALL SIGH]
The 600,000 calorie
triple bypass burger.
Starbucks?
Got a free latte for it.
[SIGHS]
Kantmiss fever is causing
a serious problem.
We almost had a riot.
What should we do?
Give them more.
I don't understand.
The Starving Games is a hit.
Just look at the trades.
We could finally win an Emmy.
But the show's missing
one important thing.
What does every
successful show need
to bring it to the next level?
I know exactly what you mean.
A love story! A
lesbian love story!
Wait. Lesbian love story?
Who doesn't like to see
two chicks get it on?
I know I do, big time.
♪ Guh-dunh-goh ♪
But there aren't any other women
left alive in the Games.
Fine.
Do your normal
straight love story.
Bor-ing.
Oh, and, Seleca...
throw in a surprise
twist at the end,
like she dies or something.
I like that.
♪ Guh-dunh-goh ♪
[P.A.] Attention, contestants.
Attention, contestants.
Attention, contestants.
We have a rule change.
There can now be two winners
of the Starving Games.
Great. So Marco and Peter
can team up to kill me.
Uh, specifically two people
of different genders.
[GASPING] Oh.
Okay. Okay.
So I hook up with Marco,
and we kill Peter together.
Yes! [CHEERING]
Yeah. I like that.
No, we were thinking more like
you could team up with Peter.
No! No!
No! No!
No, no, I, um...
I like the whole
Marco idea better.
Hey, Kantmiss, do
me a favour here,
and hook up with
Peter. Please.
I could lose my job for this.
And that's my problem how?
[DOOR OPENS] Oh, hey.
Heh heh. Hey, guys.
What's going on?
[CROWD MURMURING]
Nah, don't worry.
I got it under
control. I swear.
[LAUGHS] [GUN COCKS]
W-What are you...
What are you doing?
[GUNSHOT] [ALL GASP]
[ANNOUNCER GROANS] Um...
Ohh! [GROANS]
I thought we were friends.
[GUN COCKS] Ah, thanks.
[GUNSHOT]
[LAUGHS]
But I got us backstage
passes to Justin Bieber.
[BARRAGE OF GUNFIRE]
[GROANS]
Oh, my God.
[DOOR CLOSES]
No. No, no, don't you do it!
Right.
Um, I'm just gonna go team
up with Peter now, so...
[NERVOUS LAUGH]
Hmm.
Peter, are you here?
PETER: I'm camouflaged.
Where are you?
I'm over here.
I don't see you.
I used my skills as a baker
to seamlessly blend in
to my surroundings.
[SIGHS] Okay, well, can
you give me a hint?
I'm in the cake.
Oh.
[GROANS]
You're injured.
Marco found out that I
really wasn't into him
and that I ultimately
was protecting you.
And he did this to you?
No.
I just got my back waxed.
[FLESH TEARS] Aah!
Oh, that... That looks bad.
I mean, it's...
Oh. Aah!
Oh, it's really
oozy. Ow. Okay.
Well, stop poking it!
[SNIFFS]
[WINCES]
Okay, well, we should
take care of you
before the infection
starts to take over.
Come on.
Ooh.
[SLAPS] Aah!
Sorry.
Stop poking it, please.
Okay.
Ah, they're cute together
Yeah, well, I still
want them to die.
Yeah. Duh!
Okay.
Marco won't find us
in here. Come on.
GIRL: I hope they get naked.
[LAUGHTER]
Come on!
Oh.
Night's falling. It's
gonna get freezing.
You've got a fever.
Here. I'll check my bag
for something for warmth.
Thanks, Kantmiss.
A Snuggie!
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
Ah. Mmm.
So warm and comfy.
What? Huh?
[WHIMPERS]
You know...
I've had a crush on you
for the longest time.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
I used to follow you home
from school every day.
Every day.
And I remember when you got
your first dress-up dolly
on your eighth birthday.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
And when you turned 12
and got your first period.
[LAUGHS]
I watched you
shower every night,
and after you got out,
I would pick through the
drain and collect your hair.
What?
You made a hair doll of me?
Not just one.
Ohh.
That's you and me,
and those are our six kids.
And who's that?
That's our puppy, Alphie.
Woof woof!
Woof! Eww.
[LAUGHS]
She's the runt of the litter,
but we love her all the same.
Ohh.
Ah, you got a hairy chick, dude.
[GROANS]
I'm so hungry.
Poor baby.
[SIGHS]
Soup! What?
That'll definitely
make you feel better.
Hmm?
[SLURPING] What?
I... I think that they want
us to be more romantic,
and, in return, they'll send
us stuff to make you better.
Sounds good to me.
[FOOTSTEP CRUNCHES]
[SIGHS]
Sorry, Dale.
[CROWD GROANS] What?!
Really?
CROWD: Ooh. Oh, come on.
Hey, who thinks
they're gonna do it?
We do! We do!
Screw you all!
[FOOTSTEP CRUNCHES]
What is it now?
All right!
Peter, I don't know
if I can do this.
Oh, my back.
[WINCES]
I'm dying.
I don't know how much
longer I can hang on.
All right. Let's...
give them what they want.
[SWALLOWS]
Fantastic.
True dat.
Ow. Ow!
Can you not grab
my butt so hard?
I'm not touching
your butt at all.
Ohh!
Do not be afraid.
I am but a kindly old wizard.
Get your hand off my ass!
Right. Well...
let me explain.
You see, we were travelling.
We were on... [GASPS]
We were on our way
[SQUIRTING] to the Misty...
The Misty Mountains, yes.
And then we heard a moan
coming from inside this cave,
and fearing it to be
a moan of distress
and being the good
Samaritans that we are,
we came in here to help you.
Get out!
Yes. Well. Okay.
I bid you adieu.
[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Ooh. Ooh.
♪ Ooh, baby ♪
♪ You know what ♪
♪ we're gonna do ♪
♪ It's time ♪
♪ for making love ♪
Whoa!
♪ Just me and you ♪
♪ Just me and you ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ You know what ♪
♪ we came to do ♪
[BLOWS] [LAUGHS]
♪ Aww. Kantmiss. It's ♪
♪ time for making love ♪
♪ Just me and you ♪
♪ Like that? ♪
Yeah, love it! I
love it! Yeah!
Not her first trip
to the rodeo, eh?
Oh, yeah! Oh, Kantmiss!
Yeah! Oh!
Wow! Whoa.
Ohh! Ohh!
Oh, Peter, yes!
[SQUEAKING]
Score! [SQUEAKING]
Even I don't get to do that!
Oh, give me your
hand. Oh, God.
Yes!
Ride the donkey. Yes!
Ohh! Ohh!
And it's even better in 3-D.
♪ 'Cause now ♪
♪ that you're here ♪
♪ I'm gonna... ♪
Ooh. Ooh.
♪ Oh, baby Yeah ♪
♪ PETER: District 12! You ♪
♪ know what we're gonna do ♪
♪ That's it! It's ♪
♪ time for making love ♪
Ooh. Ooh.
♪ Just me and you Ahh. ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, whoa ♪
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Thanks again for last night.
Now that you're better,
we have to go out there.
We have to kill Marco so we can
both win the game and go home.
I... I would, but...
I think the infection's
starting to come back.
Don't push it! [SQUEALS]
Where do you think you're going?
You can't go in there!
Whoa! Did you... Ha!
[CROWD MURMURING]
He's right there.
When are they gonna kill
each other already?
I'm getting bored. Me, too.
Aah!
It's time to end this
once and for all.
Siri. [BEEP]
Dang! What you need now?
Let's have a grand finale.
Send in the big guns.
Oh, shit.
I'll give you a war
you wouldn't believe.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Yippie-ki-yay...
[GASPS] Oh.
Damn it. I don't
have a catchphrase.
Ha ha ha! I have
so many of them.
I'll be back.
You know what I mean, Chuck?
No.
Because I'm Chuck Norris,
and catchphrases need me!
Enh.
Why don't you shut up,
you smarty-pants wisenheimer
piece of shit?!
Let's just kill 'em.
[GASPS] Oh.
[CROWD GASPS]
Ready!
[GASPING]
Aim.
Yes!
Yo, Adrian!
Fire! [SCREAMS]
[GUNFIRE]
[GROANING]
[ALL SIGH]
Gah!
[SIGHS]
Dale?
Dale?
What's going on with
you and this guy?
I'll talk to you about it later.
I saw you kiss him.
[CHUCKLES]
I am in the middle
of a death match.
Do you like him?
Dale, you are embarrassing me.
Go home. Nyah.
No! If anyone should leave...
he should.
Okay. Yeah. I-I'll leave.
Now, Dale! Fine.
Fine!
But I'm changing my
Facebook status to single.
Sorry about that.
He's always been really clingy.
That's cool.
[SCREAMS] [GASPS]
Unbelievable.
What are you gonna do, Kantmiss?
You shoot and miss,
lover boy here is dead.
[WHIMPERS]
Yes!
[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]
[MURMURING]
No, no, no, no!
[MURMURING]
Huh? Huh?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh! Oh!
That'll work.
[CHEERING]
How about that, Cleaver?
Against all odds, they've
done it. They've won.
Yay.
[CHEERING CONTINUES] Whew!
Peter, we won.
We survived!
We're both going home.
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
SELECA: Attention,
contestants.
There has been yet
another rule change.
[CHEERING QUIETS]
[MURMURING]
And if you're thinking
what I'm thinking,
you're right.
There again can be
only one winner.
[LAUGHS]
Good luck.
What if we don't give
'em the satisfaction?
What if we both kill ourselves
and there are no victors?
[SIGHS]
We'll ruin the Games,
and we'll show
th-that the Capital,
they can't control us!
I found these poisonous
berries in the woods.
W-We can eat them a-and die.
[ALL GASP]
Shit ain't personal,
strictly business, ya dig?
[CHEERING]
[LAUGHS]
Whaah! Whoa! [BOWL SHATTERS]
SIRI: Fuck me!
Best Starving Games ever!
It's a nice shot, Kantmiss.
What're you doing here?
I practically show up
at the end of every movie.
Superhero movies, yeah, but...
Well, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
We could use some
fresh, young blood.
I mean, shit!
Just how many sequels
to "Iron Man,"
"Thor" and "Captain America"
can we make, right?
And you're pretty handy
with that bow and arrow.
HAWKEYE: Ahem!
Uh, Nick, the, uh,
bow and arrow is
sort of my thing.
Shut your ass, Hawkeye!
You're lucky you even
in the Avengers!
Yeah, but... And
don't you think
for one god-damn minute
that Marvel is gonna
spin off your character!
"Hawkeye, colon,
The Avenger Nobody
Gives a Shit About,"
will definitely not be coming
soon to a theatre near you!
[SOBS] [LAUGHS]
Burn!
Burn. [SIZZLES]
Ow.
Oh, stop being such a cherry!
So what do you say, Kantmiss?
I'm in.
But, um, I'm kind of hungry.
Do you mind if we get
something to eat first?
Let's go get some shawarma.
[LAUGHS]
Avengers assemble!
Wait, don't step off those...
Oops.
[AIR HORN SOUNDS]
Oh! You know what
that sound means?
Bob's Post-Game Bloopers.
♪ Move ♪
♪ Move ♪
Aah! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
♪ Move... ♪
[LAUGHTER]
Good.
Blooper reel.
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ It's time to ♪
♪ rock the house... ♪
Ohh.
[SNORTS] Sorry.
♪ It's time to rock the ♪
♪ house Move... ♪
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
Blooper reel!
Cutting! Yeah!
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house... ♪
Oh.
And the wig is down.
Okay. I'm sorry.
I gotta get more
excited about you.
[CHUCKLES] Let's do it.
Touch my leg.
Here we go.
Dude, stop.
[LAUGHS]
Prank, take one.
Ohh!
[DALE LAUGHS] Look at you!
Dale, that's romantic and all.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
Yes, why don't you give
me a little dance?
♪ Boom, chika, ♪
♪ boom, chika ♪
♪ Boom, chika, ♪
♪ boom, chika ♪
♪ Boom, chika, boom, ♪
♪ boom, chika be ♪
On the down, not the up.
♪ Be, chika, boom chik ♪
That's good. Now
like a penguin.
♪ Boom, chika, ♪
♪ boom, chika ♪
♪ Boom, chika, boo... ♪
That's the worst penguin
I've ever seen. Do it again.
♪ Boom, chika, ♪
♪ boom, chika ♪
Do you like watching Pygmies?
Oh, yeah. Oh. That looks good.
Look at that dripping.
I just got my back waxed.
[LAUGHS] I'm sorry.
Kick. Hah!
Sorry.
I kicked your ass.
No, that's fine. Don't...
♪ It's time to ♪
♪ rock the house... ♪
[LAUGHTER]
WOMAN: And this
is my sidekick.
Mother pus. What'd I say?
With me.
And this is... [LAUGHS]
Shh. My sidekick.
And this is my sidekick.
Yeah. That's funny.
You got one line.
[LAUGHS] [LAUGHTER]
You do.
Ready?
And I have another Tess Tickles.
I need to see a bi...
No, it's not, "I need to see."
Stop hiding, and show me...
God damn it.
I need a pair of Tess Tickles!
Shit.
For bug zapper.
Contact.
Contact. Contact. Contact.
Uh-oh.
Hold on.
♪ It's time to rock ♪
♪ the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock, rock, rock ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
♪ Move It's time ♪
♪ to rock the house ♪
[LAUGHS] I'm sorry.
♪ Move It's time to ♪
♪ rock, rock, rock... ♪
A partially eaten pickle.
So happy Starving Games,
and may the odds be
never in your favour.
That is the worst
pickle I've ever had.
[LAUGHTER]
We have to kill Marco
and win the games.
Sorry. Ahh. Sorry.
We have to kill Marco
so we can both go home
and win the ga...
God damn it. Sorry.
♪ Move [LAUGHING] ♪
♪ Move ♪
♪ Move It's time to ♪
♪ rock, rock, rock... ♪
♪ Move [SPUTTERS] ♪
[LAUGHTER]
♪ Move ♪
♪ Move ♪
[LAUGHTER]
Wow, that's amazing.
That is good. What is that?
It's a divine mixture
of fox blood and bear [BLEEP].
Delicious. Right?
Hey!
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, Phil, stay down there
and put your finger
in his mouth.
Okay. We're done.
We're done with this.
[LAUGHTER]
Blooper reel.
Blooper reel.
Cutting!
♪ Move ♪
♪ Move, move, move ♪
♪ Move ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING]