The Standoff (2016) - full transcript

[music playing]

[Farrell] Zane, Zane, Zane.
Wait, can you hear this
song right now?

This is, like,
my favorite song.
Zane, wait, hold on.

Wait, shh, seriously.
I'm talking right now.

Listen, can you
hear the song?

Can you hear--
[vocalizes]

If you can hear it,
you should sing
along with me.

It'll be like a duet.
It's super romantic.

-[music continues]
-Do you hear the song?

You don't?
Well, I think you
should like my singing.

That's mean
of you to say.



Yeah, I know I got
all the words wrong.
I've only heard it once,

but it's, like, the best.

No, shut up,
I have a really
good voice.

Hey, Zane?
How do you spell

"antidisestablishmentarianism"?

No, I'll not
get over it, Zane.

I'll never get over it.

Because it was
the sixth worst day
of my life.

You've seen my list, okay?
I'm never gonna forget that.

What the--turtle?
Holy--!

[tires screeching,
metal crunching]

Wow. So, this is your
big birthday surprise?

Yep. You know, I think
my dad misunderstood

when I told him
I wanted something
"small and sporty."



Yeah, well, it
definitely is small.

You know, I had
all these dreams

of packing up the
trunk of my new car

and driving off
to college,

independent
and adventurous

and in charge
of my own destiny.

Now I'm more likely
to get run over by
a semi truck

before I even
hit the suburbs.

Here, you could
use this.

Is there something
wrong with my hair?

Uh, no, nope.
I just think you need
a little touch-up.

Oh, yep.

Like, all up
in there, yeah.

Okay, yeah you--
it's better.
Much better.

-Oh!
-You look good.

You know, the blue
is pretty, though.

It's, like, good
for your skin tone,
your eyes.

I'm feeling it.

-My eyes are brown, though.
-Yeah.

-Uh-huh.
-That was what I said.

-Okay.
-Come on, we're
gonna be late.

Okay.

Here's your brush.

Came out of nowhere,
like some kind of
ninja turtle,

which I think is
where they got
the title from.

Anyway, if it
wasn't for my fear
of retribution

from animal rights
activists, I would've
just mowed the thing down,

but I made the conscious
decision to, like,

swerve out of the way
and save its life

-because I'm a hero.
-Yeah.

Well, they don't really
go over the whole turtle
thing in Driver's Ed.

They don't, which is
extremely upsetting to me,

because it put a serious
dent in my dream

to be a taxi driver/
male model.

Dude, that was
never gonna happen.

-I couldn't be
a taxi driver?
-No, I'm sorry.

-On the plus side, a scooter
is super easy to park.
-I guess so.

-And it's
environmentally friendly.
-True, that's good.

[Emerson] And on the weekends,
you can make Chinese
food deliveries.

-[Amy] Mmm, okay.
-[Emerson] Specifically to me.

What--?

As if my day
wasn't bad enough.

Where is that
obnoxious weasel?

I just don't understand
why my dad won't get me
another car.

It's every teenager's
right to have
a car, okay?

That's in
the Constitution.

Thomas Jefferson was
all over that one.

I'm actually kinda
on your dad's side
about this one.

Because this is
like the third car
you've totaled.

Like everyone hasn't
been through that.

It's part of learning
how to drive!

-I've never totaled--
-Whoa. Ahem!

No. No, no,
no, no, no.

You know, you can be
arrested for that?

-Oh, can I?
-Uh-huh.

Arrested, for
committing this
public service?

This is part of my
campus beautification
initiative.

You can read about it
in my five-step program,

"How Farrell Bennett
Will Become President."

Okay, yeah, you know,
if you wanted to clean
this campus, Farrell,

-you'd leave it.
-I would never leave
this campus.

Did you hear the news?
Big Jim is having a contest.
You can win a new car!

[Farrell]
I could win
a new car.

That's what we were
just talking about.
It's fate--thank you.

I don't know
who that guy is.

Bye, friend.

-We'll finish
this later.
-Yes, we will.

Let's go, Emerson.

-Uh...
-Okay, Em, come on.

-Emerson.
-[bell rings]

Arrested.

Hey, there!
I'm Big Jim!

[scoffs]
Like you don't
already know.

And as always, I'm here
at Big Jim's Car Depot,

-with my loyal dog, Bo!
-[yips]

Hey, wave hi there, Bo!
[chuckles]

Now listen up.
Here at Big Jim's
Car Depot,

we feel your pain.

You're a teenager,
and all you want
is a new car.

Well, how would you
like to win this car?

It's as simple
as putting your hand
on this beauty,

and then it's all about
who wants it the most.

The teen who can
stand with their hand
on this car the longest

drives her home.

If you're between
the ages of 16 and 19,
you can enter,

Just text "Dream car"

to 06578.

Don't you get caught
sittin' in the slow lane
for too long.

You may get left
in the dust!
[laughs]

-Come on, Bo!
-[yips]

[keypads clicking]

Okay, so I downloaded
an app that will robotext
in entries to the contest,

I've calculated
that by 3 o'clock,

I'll have entered
1,2 million times.

-Oh, you're gonna win.
-Oh yeah.

Wait, dude, this is
the wrong number.

No, it's not.
Maybe it is.
I don't care.

-It'll get there, okay?
I promise.
-Okay.

Wanna get lunch?

[cheers, applause]

[Farrell] Therefore,
fellow citizens of these
great classrooms,

I guarantee
that if elect--

excuse me--

when elected
class president,

I will endeavor
to eliminate
nuclear weapons,

not only
from this campus,

but from
the entire world.

[cheers, applause]

I will make the
importation of ivory

illegal in all classrooms
in the upper school.

[cheers, applause]

And I will negotiate

a unilateral
cease-fire

that will effectively
end the war with the
junior class.

[cheers, applause]

And also, I want
to reinstate the soda
machines in the cafeteria

because we don't want
no stinkin' juice boxes
anymore, yes!

-[cheers, applause]
-Oh, okay.

You guys have been great
Vote Farrell, not Amy.
Thank you.

Ahem.

Whoo! Tell 'em, Amy!

Not only does
my opponent promise
the impossible,

he promises
the incomprehensible.

-Love you, girl!
-Elect me as
your president,

and I promise to
have my opponent
expelled.

-Emerson: Whoo!
-Yes.

-Yes. Whoo!
-They're announcing
the contestants

for Big Jim's
Dream Car Contest

-right now, online!
-[murmuring]

-It's mine.
It's my phone.
-Let me just see.

-Hi, I'm Maya.
-And I'm Mia,
and together...

-[both] We're M&M.
-And we're here
to introduce to you

all the things
you don't want to
miss out on.

Today, we're giving
you an up close
and personal look

of the totally awesome
teens who have been
chosen to be contestants

in Big Jim's
Dream Car Contest.

Let's meet them now.

[Mia]
Here's contestant
number one.

I am so stoked to be
the first dude chosen.

I mean, some may question
the physical toughness
it takes to compete

in such a grueling
sporting endeavor,
but I say

your "physical" is my
"metaphysical," man.

I'm all about
the adrenaline,
all right?

I have outrun
avalanches on
my snowboard.

I have gone ice climbing
on the glaciers
of Antarctica.

And I have fearlessly
surfed alongside

great white sharks
in South Africa.

Nothing is too
extreme for me.

If it's got wings
or wheels,

or it could end
in sudden death,

oh, it's got my name
written all over it.

All right.
Keep living
the dream, bros.

[Maya]
Here's contestant
number two.

Oh, hi, everyone.
It's Sophie here.

Welcome to my
awesome channel
where I clue you in

on all the latest tips
and trends in the world
of beauty and fashion.

Today, we'll
be discussing the
importance of sunscreen.

But, before I get
into that, though,
I want to share

with all of my
thousands of super
close friends out there

the incredible news
that I have been picked
to participate

in Big Jim's
Dream Car Contest!
[squeals]

Now I know,
there are a ton of you

who are probably thinking,

"OMG, she's already
beautiful and now
she's lucky too?"

And you may be feeling
just a little bit left out,

but, not to worry,
I have got you covered.

As always, I will be
documenting everything

that happens
during the contest,

on YouTube, Twitter, Vine,
Instagram, Snapchat,
Pinterest, WeChat,

Foursquare, Habbo,
Odnoklassniki, Renren,

and of course,
my own website.

So you'll all be
able to go on this very
special journey with me.

And don't forget to like me.
It lets me know you care.

So now,
on to my beauty
tip of the day.

Sunscreen.
You should totally
wear it.

[Mia]
Here's contestant
number three.

I'm a three-time
Indy champion.

I took first place
in Daytona and Talladega
in the same day!

I completed the
24 hours of Le Mans
in 22 hours!

No one's more
qualified to win this
competition than me.

[Maya]
Here's contestant
number four.

Hi. I'm Lala Zzyzx.

You know, how in every
teen movie there's that
awkward shy girl

who just needs
a transforming makeover

so that she can
win the affections of a
good-looking, popular boy?

Well, that's not me.

My hair may not be
as shiny as yours
or my teeth as white

or my clothes
as literally cool.

You may not invite me
to your parties or even
know that I exist.

But guess what?
I don't care.

Because I'm
smarter than you.

I'm captain of
the science team.

We're three-time
state champs.

Oh, you don't think
that's cool?

It's not.
It's freezing,

as in the formula
for freezing-point
depression,

but you probably
don't know that

because you've been
too busy playing that dumb app
with the mad birds,

an app that I invented,
by the way, when
I was nine!

So you may ignore me
and my friends now,

but one day
when we're tech
billionaires,

you'll be
fetching us coffee

and picking up
our hoodies from
the dry cleaners.

Winning a car
at Big Jim's?

I don't need to
be better-looking,
or stronger,

or tougher,
or more popular
than you to win.

I just need
to be me.

[Mia]
Here's contestant
number five.

Whoo! Colby Mann,
defensive end,

R-R-Roosevelt High!

My game plan
to win this car
is simple.

I'll use my superior
athletic conditioning

to send each
and every one
of my opponents

at home on
a stretcher in
absolute tears.

until I remain
the last one standing

and I take home
the championship.

Whoo! Go Sparts!

Dude! I wasn't ready!

Can we do that again?

[Maya]
Here's contestant
number six.

I think everyone
should give back.

It's really our
duty as Americans.

Personally, I get up
at 4:00 a.m. every day

to work at
the donut shop,

then head to work
at the rock quarry
after school.

But--mmm.

But I still find
time every week
to volunteer here,

helping out
good citizens
like Mr. Adams.

Here you go.
Because...

that's what my dad
taught me to do.

He's away fighting
in Canada,

defending our country,
but he said, "Son,

everyone can
serve in some way,

even if it's
just by serving
our fellow man."

[twins]
And contestant
number seven.

Yeah, yo.

♪ Rapping Cat here,
And I'm spittin' a rhyme ♪

♪ Busting it out
In 4/4 time ♪

♪ Leaving all you
In my lyrical dust ♪

♪ Kitty, hey, yo,
I'm the upper crust ♪

♪ So all you punks
Riding on my tail ♪

♪ You better back off
'Cause I'm bound to flail ♪

♪ And hail to
The feline king ♪

♪ On your knees, son,
And kiss my ring ♪

♪ Kiss my ring,
Kiss my ring ♪

♪ Everybody best be
Kissin' my ring ♪

♪ Be careful what you say,
Unless you wanna be my prey ♪

♪ My reach has
A worldwide span ♪

♪ My rhymes will bury you
In my litter pan ♪

♪ Kiss my ring,
Kiss my ring ♪

♪ Everybody best be
Kissin' my ring ♪

Wow, Mia, those
sure are seven
lucky teenagers.

Wait a second.
Did you say "seven"?

I did say "seven."

But there should be
eight contestants.

Well, silly,
the eighth one
is a surprise.

They don't even
know they've
been picked yet.

-From Northside High...
-[door opens]

Contestant
number eight

of Big Jim's Dream
Car Contest is...

-Farrell Bennett!
-What?

-[cheers, applause]
-Yes! Oh, yes, I win.

[mutters]
I win, everyone.

Thank you so much.
I don't care about
this anymore.

I'm gonna win a car! Yes!

Yes, we did it.

[up-tempo music playing]

-Ooh!
-It's kinda scary.

[Farrell]
It's horrifying.

Look at this, man.
This is where it
all goes down.

This is the end
of the road.

This is for
all the marbles.

This is where we
separate the men
from the boys.

This is for the whole
kit and kaboodle.

-You make that up?
-No. That's legit.

"Kit and kaboodle."
People say that
all the time.

-No.
-Yes.

-You don't even know
what a kaboodle is.
-It's a...

It's a Korean poodle.
A "kaboodle."

Seriously.
You didn't know that?

Very aggressive
breed of dog.

Really?

Whoo!

♪ He's our man ♪

♪ If he can't win this
No one can! ♪

-My money's
on him to win.
-Thank you, Zane.

Uh-huh,
concussion brain.

I'm gonna spell this
out for you because you
probably can't read.

-"F," as in "failure."
-[laughs]

You know, Dorka, I
hear you've been talking
trash about winning this.

Oh, I don't
talk trash.
I talk truth.

Words aren't gonna help you
win this competition, babe.

This is all physical,
and I've been trainin'.

Really?
How do you
train for this?

Well, I've been
standing around a lot.

-11 hours, 23 minutes.
-What's that?

How long you been
hanging out with your

"Doctor Who" action
figures last night?

No. That's how long
you'll last in this
competition,

according to our
scientific calculations.

♪ Colby, Colby,
He's our man ♪

♪ If he can't win this
No one can! ♪

Sorry. It's just like,

he's a football player,
and you're not.

Like, he's used to
physical punishment.

I think the last thing
you tackled was a bag
of Cheetos.

I carried
this cooler.

[motorcycle sputters]

Oh, look
at this guy.

Thinks he's all that.

He is all that.
He's all that with
a side of fries.

[chuckles]

[Zane] Why's he need a car?
He's already got
a motorcycle.

I know, right?
He's probably just
getting the car

so he can jump
over it on his
stupid motorcycle.

Loser.

Dude.
I'm sorry.

My money and
everything else

is on her to win.
Sorry, man.

I forgive you.
It's understandable.

[gasps]
You're the guy
from the cat videos!

Hey, and you're
the girl in the
girl videos.

I love Rapping Cat.
I re-tweet everything
he says, he's so funny.

I don't know where
he comes up with some
of that stuff.

Actually, he comes
up with that stuff
through me.

Oh. Right.

'Cause he can't type
with his little paws.

And he can't
rap either,

because, you know,
he's a cat?

Right.

Why isn't he here?

Because
he's at home,
being a cat.

I see you've got
your entourage.

Oh, that's a
crazy cat lady.

She follows me
everywhere.

She wants to meet
the Rapping Cat,

but I'm afraid she
wants to eat him.

Well, as far as
I'm concerned, any
fan is a good fan.

Speaking of fans,
where are your
supporters?

I have all
the friends I need
right here.

-Well, good luck.
-You too. Oh--okay.

Hi! Oh.

All right,
I gotta go
set up camp.

-Gotta represent,
buddy, okay?
-Gotta represent!

All right, you gotta
win one for all the
semi-intelligent,

moderately handsome
guys out there.

They need me
as their leader.

-Be the leader!
-Be the leader!

-Be the leader!
-Meditate, meditate.

[both chanting]

-You got it.
-I'm ready.

-You got it.
-Okay. Don't drop that.

All right.

-I miss you.
-Miss you too.

Hey, you're
Farrell, right?

-Contestant
number eight.
-Yeah.

You must be
Chris, right?
Number seven.

Actually, I'm number one.
Or I will be when
this is over.

[chuckles]
Just messing
with you, man.

Actually, you know,
I'm kind of pulling
for all of us.

We all
deserve to win.
Just that...

maybe some of us
deserve it a little
bit more than others?

Are you messing
with me again?

I can't really
tell when you're
being serious.

Oh, look at her.

Beautiful, isn't she?

I don't know.

Kind of like
in a Kardashian
way, I guess?

She's not really
my type, though,
but like I see how--

Oh, no. Not her.

Her.

[Farrell] Oh, my goodness.

[fantasy music playing]

You... are...

a total...

loser!

Seriously, tool,
get out of my car.

Your car?

Unless you came here
with a checkbook today,

this ain't your car.

No, no, I'm not gonna--
not gonna buy a car.

I'm gonna win one.
It turns out,

"gameninjaking4,0"
didn't realize

he actually had to
leave his house to
be in the contest.

So they had to draw
for a replacement...

-No.
-and guess...

-No!
-who they picked.

-No!
-[horn blares]

[horn blares]

Ah! How do I look
with the car?
Good, right?

What do you
think, huh?

-[chuckles]
-What are you doing?

I'm just testing
out the waters.

Look, I'm already
athletic and
good-looking.

All I need now is
a cool car and I can
get any girl I want.

[Lala]
Really? That's why
you want the car?

So you can
score chicks?

That's the only
reason any guy wants
a car like this,

'cause a girl finds
a guy more attractive
if he drives a nice car.

And that's
a scientific fact.

Am I right?

So "scientifically"
speaking,

what kind of car
does a girl need to drive
to get a guy's attention?

[laughs]

A guy could
care less what car
a girl drives.

We only care
about the way
that you look.

That's not a
scientific fact.

That's biology.
Am I right?

That is so
Neanderthal of you.

And why do you
want the car?

Because I want to prove
that a strong mind

is more powerful
than a strong body.

So this contest
is just a science
experiment for you?

It's as good
a reason as any other.
Why do you want the car?

I'm using this
contest to boost

my social media profile.
Same with Jerome.

Yo, I just want to be able
to do something without
a cat for once, you know?

Okay, does anyone
actually want the car
just to have the car?

I do. I want it so
I can jump over it
on my motorcycle.

I knew it!
I knew it, dude!
Do you remem--

Oh, you weren't
there when I said
that, I'm sorry.

Okay, so you don't
even need the car?

-That doesn't seem fair.
-[Farrell] Fair?

Oh, we're talking
about fair stuff now,
are we, Amy?

Your dad's rich.

You could buy
any car you want.
Why are you here?

Just because she's
rich doesn't mean
she can't win.

We all have our reasons
for being here.

Yeah, what's yours?
You want to donate
the car to charity

so you can,
like, save a
handicapped whale

or an underprivileged
puma or something?

Actually I--
I wanted the car

so I could sell it
and pay for my mom's
kidney transplant,

before it's too late.

I'm just kidding!
[laughs]

[laughs weakly]

-My mom is fine!
-That's a
horrible joke.

I just wanted the car
to give it to her so
she didn't have to walk

to her job as
a janitor at the
prison every day.

It's 15 miles
each way,

and it gets cold
in the winter.

-Hi, I'm Maya.
-And I'm Mia

-and together...
-[both] We're M&M.

And we're here
at Big Jim's

for the start of
his Dream Car Contest.

As you can see,
all of the lucky
contestants

are already here
surrounding the car.

If I were them, I'd be
sitting down as much
as I could right now.

That's because
you tend to be
a little bit lazy

and let other people
do the work for you.

Let's say hi!

Here we have
Jerome Bryant.

You all know him
as the man behind
Rapping Cat.

Literally, he's
the guy who stands
behind Rapping Cat.

[Mia] And then we have
none other than
Sophie Jackson,

-Internet sensation.
-[Maya] Aw!

She's almost as
pretty in person
as she is online.

-Then we have
Klyde Kosar.
-And Colby Mann,

our stud muffin
athletes.

I love athletes.
They're so athletic.

-Call me
-[Maya] So do I,
although

A few more sit-ups
wouldn't kill you, Colby.

And then we have
all the rest.

[Farrell] Big honor
to be here.

-[Maya] Do you hear that?
-Hear what?

The sound of dreams
about to come true?

[country music playing]

[both]
It's Big Jim!

-[cheers, applause]
-Hey there! Hello!

How you doing?
Hey there, good to
see you, pardner.

Hey, how's it going?
Hey, hi, everybody!

[cheers, applause]

Welcome to
my Car Depot!

It's great havin'
you here, I was just
telling Bo.

It's like having
a family over for a
barbecue, ain't it, Bo?

We should be servin'
hot dogs or something,
shouldn't we?

[laughs]

No, no, no,
we ain't--

we ain't here
for hot dogs today.

-We here for hot rods.
-[Colby] All right!

We are here for
that magnificent
machine.

Ain't she a beauty?
And one of you
beautiful youngsters

is gonna take
that car home
very soon.

Or maybe not so soon?
Who knows?

We may be here
a few hours,

we may be here
a few weeks.
I don't know.

But before
we get started,

I do have to tell you
a few things that
I am legally bound

to communicate
in your direction.

So, girls?

[both]
Participation
in this contest

can result in,
but is not limited to,

swelling in the feet
and lower legs,

numbness
in the hands,

confusion, dizziness,
indigestion,

severe constipation,

nausea and vomiting,
muscle aching,

neck pain,
sleeplessness,
sudden vision loss,

deep vein thrombosis
and in some cases,

spontaneous combustion
and sudden death.
Good luck!

[Big Jim] Well, whoa, whoa,
whoa, there, girls,

Nobody's gonna die, okay?

Maybe from happiness,
but not from standing
around for a few hours.

Thank you, girls.

Anyways, I can
tell what you all
are thinkin'.

You're thinkin',
"I'm just standin'
here now.

Why don't we get
this thing goin'?"

Well, there are
a few things that
you need to know

before we start.

First off,
you will get one

ten-minute break
every two hours

at the top
of the hour.

Now you can eat,
drink or pee,
I don't care.

Just as long as
you're back in time,
'cause if you're not,

you're out! Okay?

And when you hear
this sound...

[alarm buzzes]

Ooh, that means that
someone's time here
has come to an end.

Next, do not
under any circumstances

lift your hand
off the car, except
for on a break.

If you lift your hand
even the teeniest,

li-ttlest bit...

you're out!

And next, no sittin'.

Just stand there
with your hand
on the car.

It's as simple
as that.

Last man-- or woman--
standing

wins that
magnificent machine.

And one last thing.

You are all on
the honor system.

If you see any of your
fellow contestants
lift their hand,

you are obligated
to report it.

But to avoid
any kind of
moral conundrum,

two of you have to
see it for it to
be official.

Helps keep things
on the up-and-up.

Are we clear?

Everybody ready?

[cheers, applause]

Good luck.

Girls, count 'em down.

[both] Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three, two,

one, go!

[all thump]

[can spurts]

[groans]

[coughs]

Dude, whoa.
Are you okay?

How can they expect
us to do this, man?
We're just kids.

[coughs loudly]

[wheezes]
Oh, this is
so brutal.

I don't know
how much longer
I can last.

Hang in there, man.
Just breathe.

[retches]

I can't see.

I can't breathe!

I can't feel--
I can't feel my legs!

[coughs]

[gasps]

[alarm buzzes]

Okay, two people
saw that, right?

It was 11 minutes,
23 seconds.

Not 11 hours,
23 minutes.

If this would've been
a mathcathalon,

that would've
cost us everything.

Would you look at that?

Kids these days, huh?

With their
World Wide Web and
their "on demand."

Just ain't willin'
to put in the time,
are they?

Bo, why don't you
go clean up that
big, gold mess, huh?

11 minutes.
That's sad.
That's sad.

That's just sad
right there.

A tragic turn
of events today as
Colby Mann collapsed

and died mere moments
into the contest.

-I'm not dead. Wait.
-He will be
dearly missed.

One down,
six to go, ha.

Do you ever do
anything in life
without posting it?

The real
question is,
if I don't post it,

did it ever
really happen?

Well, things
certainly have

picked up around here,
haven't they, huh?

I got a feeling
this contest may
just work out for us.

You know what
I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go
sell me some cars.

Bo, why don't
you go fetch
some brochures?

Aw, come on,
big guy.

I wasn't tryin' to
be disrespectful.

You know what?
You look tired.

Why don't you just
take a load off?

Sit, boy! Sit!

Aw, come on, now!
It's just a joke.

You don't have
to actually sit.

Stay.

Stay--stay!

Oh, come on now.
I'm just playin'
with you, Bo.

Huh? Let's
talk this out.

Speak! Speak, good boy!

It's been one hour
and 58 minutes,

and this contest
has gone from
friendly to fierce,

from chummy
to cutthroat.

From serene to...

to... to...

-What's an "S" word?
-"Stupid."

You're looking for
a word that starts
with an "S."

It's not that
hard, sister.

[thumping]

[chuckles]

Oh, two in a row.

[Jerome]
I don't know what's
going on between you two,

but we're already in
a competition, okay?

We don't need another.

[Sophie] Seriously.

You guys aren't
trending at all.

I've posted like five
things about you and
you have zero likes.

It's kinda sad.

Okay, first of
all, there's no
competition here.

At least not
from my side.

She's competing
with me, but she
just always has.

Oh, really?
Is that right?

Yes, that is right.
It all started when
we were six,

and you just swooped
in out of nowhere
and stole my crown

-for the--
-The what?

At the Junior Sunburst
Beauty Pageant.

Yeah, because
that pageant
was for girls.

That was never
specifically defined
in the rulebook!

Okay, well, how about
the time that you
joined the Girl Scouts,

just to prove
you could sell
more cookies than me.

Yeah, and I did sell
more cookies than you,
and you cried.

I did not.
He's lying.
I did not.

Middle school.
How you convinced
our basketball coach

to make you center
instead of me.

Well, it's not
my fault you hadn't
hit puberty yet.

Ninth grade,
how you challenged me
in the spelling bee,

and that whole
competition was fixed

-[Amy laughs]
-for you to win,
and you know that.

"Fixed?"
If by "fixed,"
you mean

you actually had to
know your vowels,

then yes, everybody,
it was fixed.

-[break signal pings]
-[Farrell] You know what?

By the way, I do know
how to spell a word.

It's a hard one.
Let's see if
I can do it.

"Amy," B-R-A-T.
"Amy."

Aw, that is
the cutest thing.

Have you been
practicing with your
alphabet soup again?

You know what,
you are just so
salty right now,

because someone
failed a class
this year!

-It was P.E.
-Yeah, who fails gym?

I failed because
I refused to
participate

in a potentially
life-threatening
sporting activity!

-Ping-Pong?
-Yeah!
Okay, Ping-Pong!

Thousands of people
die each year from
playing Ping-Pong!

Oh, you Googled
that, Amy, because
that is a lie!

[groaning]

Oh, I just--
"Googleable.

Google that, why
don't you, Amy?" Ooh!

Oh, I cannot stand
that obnoxious
little jerk!

He just knows how
to push every single
one of my buttons.

Every last one!

It's like he's this
sniper that's just

picking off all
of these pieces
of my soul.

Get out of my chair.
I'm mad and I need
a friend.

She is the
most annoying,

self-centered
person who has ever

walked on the face
of this planet.

I have had to
deal with him
since the first grade.

Year after year,

for 11 years,
Emerson, 11!

-Scone?
-Please.

[Farrell] You know
what she's like?

She's like this
little worm

that's burrowed its
way into my mind,

and she's just
eating away at it

with her mindless,
endless chatter.

Yeah.

Um, who are we
talking about?

-Amy!
-Oh, Amy?

I like Amy.
She's not that bad.

Not so bad?
She's the
definition of bad!

B-A-D.
The "A" stands
for "Amy."

See that?
I know my vowels!

I am beginning to
think that his only
reason for existence

is to torture me,
because there doesn't
seem to be

any other evolutionary
reason as to why he is
on this planet.

Well, at least
he's not too bad
to look at.

You know, he's got
that kinda tall,
cute hair thing.

I'm just saying,
all right?
If you have to stand

around someone for
that long, it helps
that they're cute.

Oh, my gosh.
Is the world ending?

Because you calling him
"cute" is like the third
sign of the apocalypse.

-Jam?
-Thank you.

Ooh, elderberry.
I love elderberry.

-It's so good.
-So good, right?

-Delicious, oh.
-What was I saying?

Oh, yeah, I was
talking about how much

I hate Farrell Bennett.

What are we gonna do?
I cannot stand her
anymore.

Whiz me.
Uh-huh.

We have to
figure out a way
to take him out.

-Clotted cream?
-Clotted cream?

You think of everything.

[chuckles] I try.

Well, you know
what they say.

Anyhow, you know
what they say.

The way to
get a woman is
through her heart.

The way to get to
a man is through
his stomach.

-Well, they are right.
-Oh, my gosh,
you're right.

-They do say that.
-Yeah, they do.

I just got an idea.

I have an idea.

I need my phone.
I need my phone!
I'm a genius.

-But I'm gonna need
your help.
-Okay, I'm in.

See? I knew it.

Little Miss Type A,
going to the car
already.

I guarantee she just wants
to be the first one there

to prove how
perfect she is
to everyone.

How much time
is left on the
clock, chief?

Um, looks like
you got about...

10 seconds.

[twins] Ten, nine...

-Thanks, dude.
-eight, seven,

Six, five, four,

three, two, one...

No!

[Maya] He made it.

Ooh, how awkward.

Hey, everyone!
It's Sophie here.

It's been seven hours
and there are still
seven of us left!

Honestly, it hasn't been
as hard as I thought
it was gonna be.

I mean, I waited four
times as long in line
for the new iPhone.

[laughs] Okay, well,

I'll update you guys
when the next one
bites the dust.

Until then, hugs and kisses.

I always get more
attention when I do
the kiss at the end.

-People like that.
-Is that really

what you want to be
known for, though?

Talkin' about
yourself on camera?

It's not about
what you're known for,

It's about being
known at all.

I mean, we all
want people to
know we exist.

I don't. I don't care
if anybody knows I exist.

Of course you do.

That's why you look
the way you do.

That's why you enter
all those brainiac
competitions.

I mean, everything
about you screams
"Look how smart I am!"

I mean, it's not
like you're hiding in
a laboratory somewhere.

I just want to
share my knowledge
with people.

Yeah, we all want
to share something.

I mean, Jerome
has his cat thing,

and Klyde jumps through,
like, flaming hoops
or something.

We all just want
the world to know
that we're here.

Think I'm with
Lala on this one.

I'm not like that at all.
I don't even have
social media.

Oh. Well,
you're just weird.

All you care about
is that Amy knows
you exist.

-Amy?
-Mm-hmm.

That's not even
kind of true.

[laughs] Oh, okay, yeah. Okay.

Why are you laughing?
It's the same with you.

What? No, come on.

-It's actually kinda true.
-Yeah, sorry, but it's true.

See? We all want
someone to know
we exist.

Mmm. [exhales]

You done good,
Emerson. Mmm.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Hey. What's up?

Just makin'
some brownies.

Here. This one's
for you.

For me? Wow, thanks.

[both chuckle]

-Yeah.
-Oh, my gosh.

Hey, I mean, just
because Amy and Farrell
can't get along,

-doesn't mean we can't.
-I totally agree.

You know, as
a peace offering,

I think I should
make a brownie
for Farrell too.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-You're so nice.
-I know.

Hey, could you
get me some more
chocolate chips?

I think they're
down there in
my basket.

Yeah!

Could you do it now?

-Oh, you want
'em now?
-Yeah, yeah.

-Okay, cool, man.
-Yeah, cool.

Eh. There we go.

-I got 'em.
-Oh, cool.

Are you wearing
my shirt?

No, this is my shirt.

Well, it looks a lot
like my shirt.

-You mean the one
you're wearing?
-What?

[chuckles] Oh.

[whirring]

Who is that?

[Sophie] That's Jack Guthrie,

the most popular,
best-looking,

most attractive guy
at Northside High.

How do you know who he is?
You don't even go
to our school.

It's Jack Guthrie!
You think you can keep

a guy who looks like
that all to yourself?

Psst. Psst!

-Hey, Amy.
-Hi, Jack.

Would you accept
this rose?

You know,
I've been thinking.

The prom is just
around the corner.

-In five months.
-In five months.

And I was wondering,
well, if you don't
have any other plans,

you'd maybe
like to go with me.

What--?
Wait, me?

[Amy] Oh, my gosh!

Yeah, yeah,
of course!
I'd love that.

Great! Well, let's go.

Um, but it's
in five months.

Well, I'm sure
you need to pick
out a dress

and do your hair
and all that stuff,

so we should
probably just,
you know, get going.

I'll go with
you right now.

-I'll go anywhere
with you.
-I'm sorry.

It can't be you.
I'm supposed
to ask her.

You're supposed--?

Who told you
to ask me?

No one.
Just take my hand

and we'll be
on our way.

Seriously?
This is the best
you can do?

You thought by
dangling some shiny
object in front of me

I would be tempted
to leave the contest?

[signal pings]

Question, do you have
any self-respect?

-Not really.
-Okay, yeah.
Thought so.

Nice try, Farrell!
Better luck next time.

What was that?

I told you
to ask her on
a date, today!

Not to prom
in five months!

You think I'm giving
you 200 bucks for
that performance

of a lifetime,
you got another
think coming, pal.

Well, you still
owe me 50 bucks.

-For what?
-My appearance fee.

Oh, and $18,95
for the roses.

Keep the change.
Buy a brain!

[yells in frustration]

Hey, Miss Congeniality!

It's not a beauty
competition.

If it was a beauty
competition, there'd
be no competition.

You know, you
could be pretty
if you wanted to.

So you're saying
I'm not pretty?

Oh, no.
Let me rephrase.

You could be prettier
if you wanted to.

What if I don't
want to, okay?

What if I'm fine
just the way I am?

I think you're afraid
of being pretty.

I think
you're afraid of the
attention you'd get.

-That's not true.
-Isn't it?

I mean, you hide
behind your brains,

and you let your
hair grow out like an
over-fertilized Chia Pet

and you dress
like a boy,

and not even
a cute one.

I mean,
if you just changed
a few little things,

everyone could
see how beautiful
you really are.

I don't need to
be beautiful, okay?
I'm smart.

But why can't
you be both?

-Step into my office.
-So surprisingly strong.

Dude, how's it goin'?

Is this really
all we have left?

What kind of
sherpa are you?

How about a brownie?

A brownie? Zane!

I love brownies.
This is--oh.

-This is so good!
-I know, it's so good.

Oh!

I want you
to have these.

Token of my appreciation.
I appreciate you,
you know that?

-You got these for me?
-For you.

-Thank you, man.
-Mm-hmm.

That makes me
feel so special.

You are.

And so is
this brownie.
Well done.

Oh, I'm in such
a good mood now.

Thank you,
I really needed this.

-Okay.
-I really needed this.
All right.

-Go kill it, buddy.
-I'm gonna win.

Go get us a car!

You look amazing!

-I feel amazing.
-Oh.

Yeah, this should fit you.
You have to try it on.

How many clothes
did you bring?

Oh, I brought
my entire wardrobe.

Okay, I'll give
you some privacy.

It's time to
show the world
the real Lala...

whatever your
last name is!

Zzyzx! Nobody
ever gets that.

Oh, that's good.

-Hey, where's Lala?
-I don't know.

-Who's that?
-Is that her?

♪ No more hiding in the corner
Like a timid girl ♪

♪ We both know
That you're an animal ♪

♪ So come and purr ♪

♪ Let your hair down,
Kick your shoes off ♪

♪ Come on out to play ♪

♪ Don't be shy...♪

[alarm buzzes]

Wait, what?

It can't be.
I know that
I'm not late.

I just checked
the time on my phone.

I mean, I
double-check--

You!

You changed
the time on my phone

so that I wouldn't
get back here in time!

All I did was give
you a makeover.

You look amazing,
by the way.

I look like you!

Yeah. Like I said,
you look amazing.

How could you?

You know, I thought
that for a minute,
we were friends.

No, we could
still be friends.

I'll pick you up
in my car when I win,
and we can go shopping.

I'm sorry
to interrupt,
little lady,

but I'm afraid
I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.

It's over for you.

I won't forget this.

[engine sputters]

You may have
outsmarted me but
I am smarter than you!

Oh, you just wait.
You'll regret this!

You are gonna rue the day
you ever messed
with Lala Zzyzx!

Ooh-whee!
I'm gonna miss her, huh?

-She's a feisty one.
-She looked good, though.

[loud gurgling]

You okay, man?

Uh... fine, yeah.
No, I'm fine.

-Hey, what's up?
-Hi.

Hey, um...

so, you know,
I've always kind of...

admired you
from afar.

I guess you could
say I've had a bit
of a crush on you.

[both chuckle]

But because
of the whole
Farrell-Amy thing,

I've never really
gotten a chance to
know you, you know?

Um, so I was
wondering,

will you accept
these flowers?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

-Ah, that's okay.
-Okay.

Thanks.

My knees hurt,
so I'm gonna get up.

Okay. [laughs]

Hi! It's Sophie here.

Still. I am still here.

It's like this
is never gonna frickin' end.

You know what?
Here's my tip
of the day.

Never do this.

-[panting] Six...
-Oh, will you stop it?

Can't you see
we're all exhausted?
Stop being so energetic.

You knew what you
were signing up for.
This is an endurance contest.

I came to win,
all right?

You know what?
I think the winner
of this contest

should be based
on popularity,
not perseverance.

Yeah, but if
that was the case,
Jerome would win

-because he has
more followers than y--
-[stomach gurgling]

-than you.
-He doesn't,
his cat does.

[Farrell] The cat does, right.

[intestines gurgle]

[Jerome] You don't
look so good.

Well, I feel
amazing, so...

-I'm gonna be fine.
-[gurgling continues]

You know, maybe
this contest should be
based on need.

If that were the case,
Chris probably
deserves it most.

-No, he doesn't.
-Guys, I'm willing
to fight for this

just like the rest of you.

I'm sure we all
really need it.

Well, one of us
already had a car,

and wrecked it.

Personally, I think
you've already had
a chance,

you should step aside
for those more deserving.

Oh, personally,
I think that you're
a spoiled brat, so...

Oh, God, if this
were based on
who deserves it,

then you'd be
the first one to go.

Okay, I know you're not
feeling good, okay?

-The bathroom's right there.
-I feel fine. I feel fine.

I could really
use a break,
though, hey.

-Yes!
-Hey, twins!
When's the break?

-[both] Oh, less
than a minute.
-Yikes.

-[Farrell] Oh, my God.
-Farrell, I don't think

-you're gonna make it
to the break.
-[gurgling continues]

I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna make it.

I'm gonna make it.
Oh, God!

[Klyde] Something's coming!

-Which end
is it coming from?
-I don't know!

What do we do?
What do we do?

-[Farrell squeals]
-[Amy] We're not
gonna make it!

-We're not gonna make it!
-We're gonna die!

-Come on. Come on!
-[signal pings]

[all screaming]

Get out of my way!
[yelling]

Aw, dude, come on.
There's like five
minutes left.

I really gotta
use the bathroom,
come on.

[Farrell] Back off.

[moans]
A little privacy, please.

I'm gonna see if
there's another bathroom
in the garage.

All right, hold
my place, please?
Just in case?

Absolutely.

[winces]
Ooh-hh...!

Ah, God, okay. Open.

-Oh, yeah.
-[trickling]

-That's the stuff.
-[hasp squeaks]

-[tap squeaks]
-Oh, come on.

[squeaks]

[sighs] All right.

[thumps,
handle clicking]

Ah... hello?

Door--door is--
door is stuck.

You put somethin'
in his brownie,
didn't you?

Maybe.

-You're so clever!
-And you're so cute.

Is anyone there?
[pounding, rattling]

Come on, come on,
I gotta get out
of here! Hello?

[pounding, rattling]

-[buzzes]
-Oh, help me.

Whoa! Okay, what is--

what is going on here?

Ahem! Emerson!
He is the enemy!

Emerson!

You know, to be
honest, I just feel
embarrassed for you.

You know,
if you were to see
yourself right now,

you'd realize
just how far
you've fallen.

Yeah, don't come
crying to me when
you wake up one morning

and you look
at yourself in
the mirror,

and you say to yourself,
"What has become of me?"

Yeah, because
I will be off,

living another life
that doesn't involve... that.

Can I at least
have something
to eat?

Wow, thanks.

[banging]

[Farrell]
I bet you think you're
real funny, don't you?

I--I don't know
what you're
talking about.

Don't you think
that I don't know

that you were
behind whatever...

problem I just had.

Well, I am not saying
that I had anything
to do with it,

but if I did, you totally
deserved it, Farrell.

-Hey, guys,
could we have a truce?
-[twins] ...six, five,

-[twins] ...four, three,
-[Sophie] Eh, just
let 'em fight.

I mean, the more
they distract
each other

the better chance
we have of winning.

[twins] Go!

-Hey, where's Klyde?
-[alarm buzzes]

Not Klyde.

God, you guys,
it's getting like

"The Hunger Games"
around here.

Yeah, except
we can't kill
each other.

Can we?

[snoring]

["Get Up" playing]

♪ I don't wanna hear
That I can't 'cause I can ♪

♪ I'm getting closer
Every day ♪

♪ Don't tell me I'm not
When I know that I am ♪

♪ Just shut up
'Cause you're in my way ♪

♪ It's work
But I know the drill ♪

♪ When there's a way,
There's a will ♪

♪ You gotta get up,
Get up, get up ♪

♪ You gotta get up,
Get loud, get tough ♪

♪ Winners never quit
And quitters never win ♪

♪ There's no more giving up,
No more giving in ♪

♪ So get up,
Get up, get up ♪

♪ Get up,
Make up your mind ♪

[both yelp]

♪ Get up,
Up, up, up ♪

♪ Up, up ♪

♪ Won't sweat
'Cause the future ♪

♪ Is in my control ♪

♪ At least that's what
I tell myself... ♪

Well, thank you
there, Bo.

Oh, look at them, hmm?

Kids.

What with their eatin'
of the fast food,

and using emojicons
instead of words,

and wantin' everything
yesterday.

They won't last
much longer.

My money's
on the funny-lookin' one.

[high voice] Hey.

Hey, Jerome!

Hey, Jerome.

Jerome. Hey, it's me.

Everyone's laughing
at you, Jerome.

They all think
you're a fraud.

They all think you're
a talentless wannabe.

Give up, Jerome.
Come home
and scoop my poop.

It's all
you'll ever be good for.

You're nothing
without me.

Hey, Crazy Cat Lady,

do you see that
cat right there?

I'm always seeing cats.

You're nothing
without me.

[Jerome] Oh, that's right.

Get outta here!

I'm the talented one.
I'm the one that sings.

You don't even
have lips! Hah!

[alarm chimes]

Did you see that cat
right there?

What cat?

It was a--
it was a big, giant,

like, horror movie cat.

It was just
talking to me.
He was--

Hey, how--how about
we go get you some coffee?

Cat food?
I don't want
no cat food.

-I just--
-Coffee.

I said "Coffee," Jerome.

-Coffee.
-Yeah. It's this way.

Yeah, I need
some coffee.

-Yeah, coffee's
this way.
-He was right there.

Zane?

Zane!

Where are you?

Hey, buddy.

What were you
doing in there?

Nothing.
Little bird watching.
Just chilling.

[Farrell] Bird watching
in a tent?

Yeah.

You alone in there?

Yeah.

You're fraternizing
with the enemy.

I don't--I don't know what
"fraternizing" means,

but if it means
making out,

yeah, I've been
fraternizing quite
a bit, my brother.

-Gimme a high five.
-No. No high five
for you.

This was not part
of the plan.

You have been compromised!

Dude, I--I have feelings
for Emerson.

Feelings? What kind
of feelings?

Feelings of mistrust?
Feelings of disgust?

Murderous feelings?

What kind of feelings
do you have for her, Zane?

No, like, I think I want
to ask her father

if I can court her.

"Court her?" Are we
in the 19th century?

You been watching
"Downton Abbey" again?

No, you don't
understand, man--

You're right about that.
I don't, Zane.

I am very
disappointed in you.

All these years
of friendship

and I don't even know
who you are anymore,

but I see you've made
your choice, so fine!

You know what?
I don't need you either!

From now on,
you are dead to me.

Well, what about
the basketball game Saturday?

Are we still on for that?

Yes, we're absolutely still on
for the basketball game.

-It's gonna be tight!
-So psyched.

But until then...

[clucks]

-You're dead to me.
-Yeah.

-You understand.
-Yeah, I get it.

This was a really
good chat for me.

-Monumental, I think.
-Dude. Wish me luck.

[groans]

I'm running out of angles
for these selfies.

Even I'm getting tired
of looking at myself.

Hey Jerome, how does
the Rapping Cat do it?

I'm not talking about
the cat.

I mean, he always
looks so good

in every single one
of his photos, right?

Does he have
a stylist?

Not talking
about the cat.

He should come guest
in one of my segments!

We can talk about, like,
beauty and hair.

Does he deep condition?
Does he use mousse?

Which he probably
calls mouse!

-Ah, I get it.
-Get it?
He got it.

Can you ask him for me?

Okay! Enough about the cat
already, okay?

Can we please stop talking
about the cat?

-Just lay off
the cat.
-Oh, my gosh.

You sounded just
like Rapping Cat
when you said that!

You totally did!

Has anyone ever
told you that you
sound just like the cat?

Okay, I don't sound
like the cat.

The cat sounds like me.

Do you want to know why?
Because I am the cat.

Cats don't rap.
They don't talk.

In fact, I'm pretty sure
they don't do anything

but eat, sleep, and pee
in every other place

but the litter box
you so thoughtfully put

in a convenient location.

It was a joke, people.

I didn't know
33 million people

were going to watch this.

And I didn't know folks
were so ignorant

that they could think
that a cat--

a freaking cat--
could rap!

It's just stupid.

I'm more than just
some backup singer

to some untalented,

ungrateful,
freeloading furball.

I'm the talented one.

Me!

Okay, Jerome.
Show us!

-Come on, bring it!
-Show us!

-Come on,
go Jerome!
-Come on!

-Yeah?
-Yeah!

Okay. [beatboxing]

Ah, here we go!

[all] Oh!

Jerome in the house!

[alarm buzzes]

Mm.

Oh, man!

Does that video
really have 33 million views?

Just leave me alone.
Go home, already.

But look what I'm making
for Rapping Cat.

Great, now my cat
has something

to snuggle with at night.

Thank you.

And then there was four.

How did you do that?

Voodoo lady.

-[laughing]
-Stay still!

You smell like pizza.

That's because
I haven't really, like,

showered in a week.

That's so cute!

I have to be
honest with you
and tell you that

I am really
attracted to you.

You remind me
so much of my mom.

What? I remind you
of your mom?

Yeah.

-I mean, no. I just--
-What?

-Oh.
-Yeah, so, like,

you're--you're smart
like my mom.

Right? You're cool
like my mom,

and you're hot
like my mom.

What--"Hot?"
Like your mom?

What kind of a sick person
are you?

No, I mean, like,
you're not hot
like my mom,

-she's hot like you.
-Yeah, that really--
it doesn't help.

That's not--
that's not helping.

I don't think you
or my mom are hot.

-Just--you know what?
I lied.
-Okay--

Okay, you don't smell
like pizza.

You smell gross.

Get out of my tent.

Where's my makeup bag?

Have you seen
my makeup bag?

No, I haven't.

All I could find
was the stupid red lipstick.

It doesn't even match
this outfit.

I need my makeup bag.

I'm sure you're
just as pretty
without makeup.

That's what they say
to ugly people!

Don't patronize me!

Get out!
Don't look at me!

[door closes]

Oh, God, I need to find it.
I need to find it.

[panting]
Okay, come on.

Get yourself together.
You can do this.

You can do this.

You have ziplined
over volcanoes.

You can do this.
Just deep breaths.

Deep breaths,
all right.

Oh, where's the light?
Where's the switch?

Come on.
There it is.

Okay.
Uh...

I don't know how long
I've been in here.

It could be hours.
It could be days.
I'm totally--

-totally lost track
of time at this point--
-[loud bang]

What was that? No!

[frantic mumbling]

No, no, no, no, no.
This is not happening.

This is not happening.

Okay, I want to die
in a tragic fireball accident,

okay, not in a toilet.

This is ridiculous.

Okay, come on,
just breathe.

[exhales] Just breathe.

[soft beeping]

Maya. I'm doing it.

I am balancing it
on my head.

Oh, my apple!

-Hi, I'm Maya.
-And I'm Mia, and--

[both] we're still here.

It's been
31 hours so far.

[Mia] And five minutes.
Thirty-one hours
and five minutes.

You can't forget
the minutes

because every
minute counts.

You were
definitely adopted.

-Hey, Soph.
-Oh, hi, Lala.

Oh, what are
you doing?

"At Big Jim's with
the Sophie Jackson.

She's never
looked better."

No, don't.
Don't post that.

-Just did.
-No, you didn't.

I can see how
this can be so addictive.

It already has
like 3,000 likes.

I'm gonna kill you!

[screams]

I just thought
you wanted to be noticed!

I'm gonna shove
that phone up your--

[alarm blares]

What?

No. No!

Stop taking
pictures of me!

Stop looking at me!

Are you looking at me?

Stop looking at me!
[sobbing]

My taste for revenge
is like pie.

It's never-ending.

-Good luck everyone.
-[Chris] Thank you, Lala.

All right,
so it's been 70 hours

since I left on my bike
from Horseshoe trailhead.

Wait, that--
that wasn't even me.

That was James Franco
in that movie

right before
he cut his arm off.

I'm not cutting
my arm off, right?

That's been done.

Okay, I'm--I mean,
I could--

I could cut
my leg off.

That'd be different, right?

Would it be different,
though?

Oh, my God,
what am I saying?
I'm losing my mind.

I am losing my mind
right now.

I'm hungry.
I need food.
I need--

Oh, I need water.
So, so thirsty.

I mean, there's gotta be
water somewhere.

Think, Klyde. Come on.

There's gotta be water.

Sink doesn't work.

God, okay, come on.

Oh, God.

Just do it.
Just do it.

Damn it.

Don't look at this.

[whimpers]

[water swishing]

Sooner or later
you're gonna
have to look out

for yourself in this world.

I mean, life
is just so tough.

You can't just let people
walk all over you.

And sometimes, if you want
to get what you want,

you have to stop trying
to be everybody's best friend.

Hey, listen, thank you
so much for listening.

I mean, it just
feels so good

to talk to somebody
that understands.

Can I actually have
some of this? 'Cause--

Mmm.

Okay. Thank you.

-Hi, I'm Maya.
-And I'm Mia.

-And were still here!
-It's been like,
a million hours,

-and yes, we're still here.
-Yep.

This is ridiculous.

How long are they
going to be
standing there?

-Well, I think--
-No one cares
what you think.

Well, I was just
going to say--

No one cares
what you have to say.

In fact, without me,
you would have
nothing to say.

That's-- wha-- what?

You know what?
I'm finished.

I'm--I'm outta here.

I am done with this
stupid competition
and I'm done with you.

Without me in your life,
you would have no idea
what to do!

Oh! You scared me.

I'm sorry.
I need to talk
to you in private.

About what?

Farrell.

It makes me so angry
to see how he treats you.

In any other situation
I might have to

just give him a punch
to defend you.

-O-okay, thank you.
-You're welcome.

Yeah, but I think
I can handle him
myself, so--

Well, I think that

I have a way
we can get Farrell out

of both of our lives.

-What do you mean?
-You know how
Big Jim said

that if two people
see someone lift their hand,

they can have them removed
from the competition?

Yeah.

Well, what if we see
Farrell lift his hand?

Okay, well, obviously
if we see him lift his hand

-we're gonna say something.
-No.

What if he doesn't,
and we say something?

No. No, okay?
That wouldn't be right.

I couldn't do that.

Funny, because
he didn't seem to have
a problem with it

when he asked me

if I would help him
do that to you.

-Wait, what?
-Mm-hmm.

Yeah, he thinks
we're gonna do it
right after this,

that we're gonna get you
out of the competition.

-I can't believe
he would do that.
-I know, right?

What can you do?

Oh, I know.

We can do it
to him instead.

Take him completely
unawares, Amy.

He'll never know
what hit him.

Anyway,
think about it, okay?

-Excuse me.
-Mm-hmm.

What?

Hi, everyone. It's Mia.

And, eh... I'm...

[Farrell]
Antidisestablishmentarianism.

That was the word...

that kept me from winning
the ninth grade spelling bee.

Not that I'm bitter
or anything. Hmm.

Antidisestablishmentarianism.

A-N-T-I-D-I-S-
E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-
M-E-N-T-A-R-I-A-N-I-S--

Nope.

A-N-T-I-D-I-S-
E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-

M-E-N-T-A-R-I-A-N-I-S-M.

I just did it!

-He just did it!
-I just did it!

He just did it!
He just lifted his hand!

-I--what?
-[Chris] Hey! Could--

Could we get Big Jim
over here, please?
He lifted his hand.

No, I didn't.
What are you doing?

Well, what's
going on here, kids?

Hey, Big Jim.

Um... he--he lifted
his hand, so...

-He's out.
-Are you a psychopath?

I did not lift my hand.

Now, the rules state
that two of you

have to see it happen.

So, princess?

He take his hand
off that car?

You saw it, Amy? Right?

She didn't see anything,
because nothing happened.

Yes.

I saw it.

But it didn't happen.

He never lifted
his hand off the car.

[Chris] What?

-She's lying!
-She's not lying.
Amy wouldn't lie.

Oh, yeah, maybe
you're both lying.

Yeah, maybe you're in this
together, against me.

Big Jim, you should
listen to me.

Everybody knows
I'm the good guy here.

-[Klyde] Good guy?
-[Farrell] Ho, ho!

Yeah. You're no
good guy, dude.

Klyde, what
happened to you?

I just climbed out
of a sewer,

that's what
happened to me.

I was stuck
in the toilet,
and it was dark,

and it was scary, and--

unspeakable things
happened in there.

Yeah.

I escaped by crawling
through a pipe

under the toilet,

the same toilet
I've had to...

-drink out of
for the last three weeks
-[Chris groans]

to survive, so.

We saw you yesterday.

Klyde, can you just
tell us what's going on?

He locked me
in the bathroom.

-Me?
-You, yeah.

[laughs] That's ridiculous.

You were the only one

that knew where
I was going, okay?

-I know what you did!
-Oh, you know nothing.

Oh, I know plenty, Chris.

I've had nothing
but time to think.

I've contemplated everything

from "Why does
the universe exist?"

To "What do
vegetarian zombies eat?"

Whoa.

Look, the point is,

I thought about you,

and all the bad things
you've done.

What? Oh, God!

-Don't get any closer.
-Or you'll what?

Change the time on my phone
like you did with Lala's?

Wait, you did that?

He also stole
Sophie's makeup bag.

and took Jerome's headphones
to make it seem

like the cat
was talking to him.

Hold on, wait.
You weren't even
here for that, though.

You hear things
when you are alone
in the bathroom, all right?

It's quiet.

Wait, so you poisoned
my brownie?

No, no.
That was me.

Wait, but you had Jack Guthrie
come here

-and try and lure me away?
-That was me.

-Oh.
-But we're not talking
about that right now.

We're talking
about you!

-I always knew
you were a fraud.
-Mm-hmm.

You said that you worked
at a donut shop

every day before school.

How is that possible?

There is not an ounce
of fat on your body.

Everyone knows
you can't be around donuts

without eating
all of them.

Second,
you told me you worked

at a rock quarry
every day after school.

Go ahead and feel
his hands, Klyde.

I think they feel like
a newborn baby's buttocks!

You haven't seen
a day of manual labor

in your life.

We're going in now.

You said that your father
was fighting in Canada.

Well, I Googled it.

There's no war
in Canada right now.

Not a single one.

Your dad isn't serving
our country.

He's serving drinks
at a nightclub in Toronto!

I am so on to you
right now, Chris.

Global warming.

Was that you? Huh?

Bieber fever,
did you do that?

What do you do
in your spare time,

hunt manatees?

And finally, you said
that you just love

working with old people.

But I know that
the only reason
you have that job

is so that you can nurse
your addiction

to prune juice!

-That's a lie!
-It's the truth!

No...

It's true.

That one was
a total guess.

I need that.
Klyde, give me that!

-I need that!
-[alarm buzzes]

[chuckles]

You almost got me!
You almost got me.

I'm just gonna put
my hand back

on the--you know.

We're all--
We're all good.

Well, son, unless
you have some

mystical third hand
that none of us here

know about...

you're out.

Big Jim...

they tricked me.

And I think they should be
the ones that--

that get out
of this competition,

not--not me.

[whimpers]

You'll pay
for this, Farrell!

You will pay in retail!

And you!

I thought we had
something special.

Oh, I'll be back!

Klyde!

It's in my contract!

I'm back for the sequel!

[Big Jim] Well, then.

Unless my math fails me,
I believe we are down to two.

Ew.

Klyde, I am so sorry.

It's not fair you're
out of the contest.

You should at least
have another chance
to win the car.

Hey, no worries,
you know?

It's not about
the destination,

it's about the journey,
you know?

and I got to body surf
on a hundred yards
of raw sewage.

Anything after that
will be a letdown.

So, goggles.

Thank you.

Helmet. Thank you.

Motorcycle.

Dude, you--

What'd you--

Did you sell
my motorcycle?

Jim.

Did you sell
my motorcycle?

What do
vegetarian zombies eat?

-What?
-I don't know!

-Me neither!
-I can't--

I didn't know
you could make
pies like that.

Well, I'm a pretty
good cook.

What do you want?

Look...

-I know I might be a creep--
-Hmm.

but I'm not
the type of creep

who would say weird things
about their mom.

Like, that's just not me.

And I want to express to you
in no uncertain terms

that I do not think my mom
is hot in any way.

Like, at all.

But I do think
you're hot.

I think you're so hot.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I mean, you're foxy.

I mean, you're hotter
than any mom could ever be.

Yeah.

-I mean, not like--
-Whoa.

I mean, if you decided
to become a mom

-that you wouldn't be hot.
-You know what, it's okay.

-You would be.
-It's all right.

Hey, can we just
not talk about moms?

-Right.
-Yeah.

-No moms.
-No moms.

So, are we good?

-Yeah, we're good.
-Okay.

Is that your underwear?

Yes.

But I promise
that they're clean...ish.

Hey.

Thank you.

For what?

For defending me
with Chris.

Being a jerk to you
is my thing.

Come on, I can't have him
encroaching on my territory.

Um...

can I tell you a secret?

-You would trust me
with a secret?
-Oh, no.

Heh, okay.

You're just the only one
here, so I...

Um...

The real reason
I need this car
is because, um...

my family can't afford
to get me one.

Aren't you,
like, super rich?

Actually,
my dad got fired.

My dad's looking
for a new job,

and my mom is looking
for my new dad.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

As far as secrets go,

that's kind of
a lame one, though.

I'm just saying,
it's not--

Everyone goes through
that kind of thing.

It's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

Okay.

Sophie was right.

I always compete with you

because I want you
to notice me.

I really like
being around you.

That's definitely something
you shouldn't keep a secret.

[pop song playing]

♪ Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey,
Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey ♪

♪ Hey... ♪

♪ As we shout and fly,
Reaching for the sky ♪

♪ We won't stop
Till we touch the sun ♪

♪ And if we believe
Anything we dream ♪

♪ Will come true
If we're having fun ♪

♪ And say
Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey ♪

♪ Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey,
Hey ♪

♪ Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey,
Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh. ♪

[Amy groggily] Farrell.

-Farrell.
-[startled] What?

Farrell, stay awake.

Ugh, I'm so tired.

[chuckles]
Yeah. Yeah, me too.

I can't believe I used
to take sleep for granted.

I mean, all those mornings
I woke up early

just to vandalize your locker
before you got to school.

I could've been
at home in bed.

I just can't believe
how much time I spent

up late at night hacking

into the school's
computer system...

to change your grades
from As to Cs

or slash your service hours
or give you detention

or take points off
your SATs.

I'd trade it all in

-for like, four minutes
of sleep right now.
-Yeah.

Wait, that was you?

It's always been me.

It's always been you.

[soft music playing]

[Big Jim clears throat]

Hi there.

I am truly sorry
to say this,

but you are both out
of the competition.

-What?
-[Farrell] Wait, no, no.

Both of us?
That's not fair.

After 50 hours
and eight minutes,

-we have no winner.
-No.

No, no, no.
That's not right.

There has to be a winner.

I'm sorry.
Rules are rules.

Now, I would like
to thank both of you

for your participation

by awarding you

these authentic
Big Jim key rings, huh?

-No, I don't want that.
-You sure?

-I'm positive.
-All right,

'cause I ain't
gonna offer it again.

Anyways, I want to wish
both of you a fantastic day.

Thank you for playing.

-Can he do that?
-I don't care
if he can or not.

-We're not gonna let him.
-This isn't fair!

Dude, come on.
We stood there
for three days.

-Stop ignoring us.
-Is this just
some big scam

to get people to come
to your dealership?

Were you even
gonna give us a car

or are you just a crook?

Me?

I'm the crook?

What about you?
You cheated!

You tried to lure
her away

with that
good-lookin' guy.

And you, you poisoned him!

I got a news flash
for you.

Both of you were
looking for the easy way

to get what you want.

[scoffs] That's what
you all do now.

I'll tell you something,
when I was your age,

I had to work
for my first car.

Okay, I worked,
and I saved money for a year

so that I could afford
the car of my dreams.

Now, you guys
think life is just,

I don't know, what,
some big popularity contest

and whoever has
the most friends wins.

You want something
bad enough?

Well, you've gotta
work for it.

You ain't gonna
get it for free.

And you sure ain't
gonna take it

from somebody else.

We're not like that.

The contest is over!

Read the rules!

It says very clear

in section three,
paragraph five, line six,

"The last person
with their hand

on that car wins!"

There was no last person
and you both lose!

Now if you will
kindly excuse me,

I have a business to run.

Wait!

Wait, no, I remember now.

There was someone
with their hand on the car.

It was Amy.
She won.

No. No, no, no, no, no.
It was Farrell.

I lifted my hand first,
okay?

Farrell won,
fair and square.

No, I definitely did not win,
that did not happen.

Yes, you did, okay?
Stop trying to be
so competitive.

If I said you won,
you won.

I admit it, total loser,
right here.

No, you won, Farrell.

So shines a good deed
on a weary world.

That was it.

Right there, that is what
I was waiting for! Huh?

So, were we
competing for a car

or for your
chocolate factory?

Don't you see?

Guys, you were competing

for all that's good
in the world.

Hmm, you were competing
for virtues and values

and honor
and all that's right.

Well, yes, true,

you were competing
for yourselves...

but you were also
competing for each other.

I was competing
for the car.

Yeah, listen,
about the car...

[twins] Mommy
made me eat my M&Ms.

Mommy made me eat my--

-Hi, it's Maya here.
-And Mia.

-And--
-[both] We're back!

And back together
because we're the only ones

who can stand
to be around us.

Love you forever.

Oh, I love you too.

We all know
you're wondering

who won Big Jim's
Dream Car Contest,

and we're here with
all the gory details.

We'll get to
the winner in a sec,

but first,
let's take a look
at all the losers.

Colby Mann didn't live up
to his name

and went all girly
less than 15 minutes in.

[Mia]
Now, instead of wearing
an athletic supporter,

-he is one.
-Aw, poor Colby.

Lala Zzyzx didn't win,
and to be honest,

I like the way she looked
before her makeover.

[Mia]
Oh, my gosh, so glad
you said something,

'cause I totally agree.

You should never
give into peer pressure.

Don't change
to be like everyone else.

Seriously, just
keep it real.

Klyde Kosar didn't win,

which is really sad
because he was really cute.

-Oh, yeah.
-Although he later attempted

to set a record
for jumping
his motorcycle

over 53 food trucks.

[Mia] How impressive.

He's my Man Crush Monday
every single Monday.

[Maya]
Unfortunately,
it didn't work out

quite how he planned.

We wish you
a speedy recovery, Klyde.

We really do.
Call me, Klyde.

Call me. Call me.

Call me.

[Maya]
Jerome Bryant
lost the contest,

but won
a recording contract.

More importantly though,

how did he teach that cat
to rap?

-Yeah, how?
-That cat is so talented.

Seriously, I wish I had half
the talent that cat has.

[Maya] Sophie Jackson...

-Wait, what even
happened to her?
-I don't know.

She hasn't tweeted
in three days.

It's like she's fallen
off the face of the earth.

Sophie, if you're okay,
please let us know by

tweeting a selfie
or something.

Hashtag
"SophieWhereAreYou?"

Which of course
leaves just two,

our very own
Katniss and Peeta.

[Maya]
Katniss and Peeta?

-They're here?
-N-no.

Amy Robertson
and Farrell Bennett.

Oh.

So, which one won?

Who was the ultimate winner
of their dream car?

[hands slapping quickly]

[both] It was a tie!

Fifty hours.

I did not think
you would
make it past four.

What can I say?

I can wait years
for something I want.

Yeah, you might want
to keep your hands

on the steering wheel
there, Don Juan.

[Farrell] Okay.

You, uh, you
might need this.

Yeah, okay!
This is so awesome.

Let's go,
let's go.

[exhales]
Thank you.

[squeals]

[sighs]
That, my friend,

is the future
driving off there.

It don't look so bad.

Come on, Bo.
I'm gonna
take you for a walk.

Ah, ah.
I'm sorry.

That was wrong of me.

I can't walk you
without a leash!

That'd be against
the law! [laughs]

Come on, Bo!

You know, that was actually
a lot of fun.

-Were you just gonna kiss me?
-No.

You were totally
just gonna kiss me just then.

Do you have a problem
with that?

I have a huge problem
with that.

If anyone's gonna kiss anyone,
I'm gonna kiss you first.

No, because the thing is,
is I thought of it first.

You did not think of it
first.

I literally
guarantee you
that I thought of--

No, no, no, no,
that is not true.

-Pretty true, I'd say.
-[Emerson] Hey, guys.

Can you just kiss already?

Yeah, that's just fine.

-Cool.
-Okay.

-Hey, when do
I get to drive?
-Tomorrow.

We agreed, I get the car
on Mondays, Wednesdays,
and Fridays,

and you get it on Tuesdays,
Thursdays, and Saturdays.

-[Zane] And we get it
on Sundays.
-[Farrell] Maybe.

See, we can all
work together.

Everything doesn't have to be
a competition all the time.

-Cool.
-Wait, guys, was that--

[Amy] Pay attention
to the road.

[Farrell] Okay, I don't
need you telling me
how to drive.

[Amy] Well, obviously
you need someone
telling you.

[Farrell] I thought
we were past this.

-I thought you changed.
-Changed from what?

A licensed driver?
I know what I'm doing.

-You just need to calm down.
-Okay, Amy, this is really--

["Take It All In" playing]

♪ I just wanna feel
The passion ♪

♪ It'll shine,
I know it ♪

♪ Each and every moment ♪

♪ Take it all in
And don't miss out ♪

♪ Shake it all up
And shout out loud ♪

♪ Live to love
And love to live ♪

♪ Take it all,
Take it all in ♪

♪ Give me
The world today ♪

♪ The sun, the rain,
The joy, the pain ♪

♪ Don't fear to fall
And take it all ♪

♪ Take it all in
And don't miss out ♪

♪ Shake it all up
And shout out loud ♪

♪ Live to love
And love to live ♪

♪ Take it all,
Take it ♪

♪ Take it all in
And don't miss out ♪

♪ Shake it all up
And shout out loud ♪

♪ Live to love
And love to live ♪

♪ And take it all,
Take it ♪

♪ Take it all in
And don't miss out ♪

♪ Shake it all up
And shout out loud ♪

♪ Live to love
And love to live ♪

♪ And take it all,
Take it ♪

♪ Take it all in
And don't miss out ♪

♪ Shake it all up
And shout out loud ♪

♪ Live to love
And love to live ♪

♪ And take it all,
Take it ♪

♪ Take it all in
And don't miss out ♪

♪ Shake it all up
And shout out loud ♪

♪ Live to love
And love to live ♪

♪ And take it all,
Take it all in ♪

♪ La la la,
La la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la,
La la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la,
La la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la,
La la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la,
La la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la,
La la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la,
La la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪