The Stand-In (2019) - full transcript

♪ I'm living in two worlds ♪

♪ Dividing my time ♪

♪ Unhappy in your world... ♪

Hit me where it hurts.

♪ When I'm in your world ♪

♪ I just pretend ♪

♪ That I were really happy ♪

♪ Though I don't fit in... ♪

Hit me where it hurts.

♪ I'm heading in two worlds ♪

♪ Where do I belong? ♪



Hit me where it hurts.

♪ Unhappy in your world ♪

♪ And lonesome in mine ♪

♪ I'm living in two worlds ♪

♪ Dividing my time... ♪

Hit me where it hurts.

♪ Unhappy in your world ♪

♪ And lonesome in mine ♪

We're behind, so we really
need to get you

in hair and makeup
and on set as soon as possible.

And remember we have
that FaceTime session

with the new director
of the Sony franchise.

Plus, you have a phone interview
with In Touch Weekly at 1:00.

There's your new first team
rehearsal right now, with stand-in.



And we're gonna do a table
read of all the rewrites

later at lunch.
And don't worry,

we're gonna get you that kale
Caesar, no croutons.

And we need to do
a face cast after that.

Plus, we need to book in
some time for a photo shoot.

And I'll put that
on your schedule.

There's a doctor coming
to check the rash

that you got from the
prosthetic you wore yesterday

and to give you
a B12 shot.

Do you need somebody to run lines
with you in hair and makeup?

Do we have
any spare humans?

But we do need to get you
into hair and makeup,

Yeah, we really
need you to go

into hair and makeup right
now, Miss Black, like now.

Fuck you, fuck you,
and fuck you!

Fuck my life!

Okay, hold the work please.

We're gonna do our first team
rehearsal again with the stand-in.

All right, everybody set?

Okay, action.

I have the ring right here.

I took it off grandma's finger
while she was dying.

Well, almost dying.

My bitch sister's at a party.

She doesn't even know I have it.

She's never gonna get
her hands on it.

Aah!

That hit me where it hurts.

Okay.
That's a cut on rehearsal.

Okay, guys. That was great.
Looks great.

Andy, could you try and take
that pull back like 10%,

little bit slower?
Thank you.

- Excuse me, Barbara.
- Yeah.

I know Candy, and she's
gonna want to stop

at the arm chair.

So, um, maybe we could
move the mark over.

Uh, yeah, yeah. Sure.
Thanks Paula. I'll tell camera.

Oh, great. Thank you.

Have we got Candy on deck?

Gotta go, gotta go.

You were great
in that last film you did.

Oh, thanks.

I'm actually
an actress myself.

- That's great.
- Don't get me wrong.

I love being a stand-in.

Candy and I have been
together for years,

and she's the best.

It's just that
my true passion is acting.

What's your secret to success?

If you don't mind me asking.

I guess I believe
in boundaries,

professional boundaries
between professionals.

That's probably
my whole philosophy.

I was just looking
for an acting agent,

and I don't suppose...

Oh. No, I have to...

Louis. Louis, what actual fuck
do you do for your commission?

Well, then get your client
out of her trailer

and onto this set.

What are you talking about?
I love Candy,

but I can't wrangle her

while I'm trying to direct
this picture with half a crew.

Louis.

Well, what do you
want me to do?

You want me to call
Melissa McCarthy's agent?

Just get her out
of the trailer.

Candy, its Louis.

Buddy, Barbara's been giving
me a really hard time.

But you know what?
Fuck her!

Okay? What do directors
even do? Right?

They just... They tell people to do
things they were already gonna do

and then take credit
for it.

So, don't do this film for her.
Do it for me.

For us? Huh?

Because I believe in you.

Come on, buddy.

Um, you also owe me money
for that movie

that you did in Barbados that
you don't remember making.

So what do you say?

No! Fuck off!

So, that's a start.

So, I'm gonna head
back to set

and let Barbara know
that this went well.

And I'm confident that
I will see you momentarily.

Fucking...

do something.

Candy.

Candy, it's Paula,
your stand-in.

Listen, I have to
tell you something.

I just overheard Barbara saying
they're going to fire you

and hire Melissa McCarthy.

Well, good luck to her.

Well, the thing is, I don't look
anything like Melissa McCarthy.

She'll bring
her own stand-in,

and then I'll be
out of a job, so...

Please come out.

Please?

For me?

Okay, everybody let's flush
this turd down the toilet.

Okay. Chop, chop.
Let's go.

Picture's up. We are going right for a take.

Everybody,
last looks please.

Okay, come on. Clear the set.
We've been ready.

Come on. We need first team
on our marks, please.

Okay. Everybody
off the set now.

Can we have a slide-in?

Vivian, we can see you.

Back off three feet.

Mark it. Thank you.

And... action.

I've got the ring right here.

I took it off grandma's finger
while she was dying.

Well, almost dying.

My bitch sister's at a party. She doesn't even know I have...

Oh! Oh, my God!

- Jesus Christ.
- Oh, my God!

- Cut!
- what the fuck?

What the hell?
What are you doing?

Why didn't you hit her
with a bottle?

- She really hit her?
- Yeah, with a fucking marble cat.

Sorry, I didn't have breakfast.
Nobody got me breakfast!

- Okay.
- I'm not myself when I don't have breakfast.

Can we get first team
some food, please?

Are you okay?

No, Barbara.

I'm not fucking okay.

How the fuck would you feel

if some stupid bitch
smacked you in the head

with a fucking marble cat?

I didn't realize.

Oh, didn't realize?

"Oh, I didn't realize."
Bullshit!

I should kick
your fucking ass.

Here, genius.

Fucking cat, bottle.

Bottle, cat.

One of them is meant to
be smashed over a head.

And the other isn't. See?

I'm so sorry.

Don't be fucking sorry.
Think.

It's my blood sugar.
I didn't have breakfast.

God, you're pathetic.
Somebody get her a fucking egg white.

I bet you're on
a fucking diet, right?

You know how to diet?
Eat a fucking pizza and do an eight ball.

Hey, fuck you! Don't walk
away when I'm fucking talking!

Don't fucking walk away from me
when I'm talking to you.

Do I have to do
all your jobs for you?

Would that be better?

Okay. Like, just,
I helped everyone.

And then if you had
to fucking do anything...

How about... Would it be better
if I took this bottle

and smashed it over
my own fucking head?

- I'll take care of this.
- Would that be good?

It's not funny.
None of this is fucking funny.

And none of you
get to fucking laugh

unless I'm being funny!

And this, assholes,
isn't fucking funny.

Candy, how about
we take a walk?

Louis, get the fuck
away from me.

Because if it wasn't for you,

I wouldn't be doing this crap.

Sorry, Barbara,
but this is shit.

It's not shit.
This is an alternative type of quality.

It is shit, and you're shit,
and you're shit.

And you're all fucking shit!

Oh, my eye! Oh, my God!

Hell, It must have been
a glass fragment.

- Oh, fuck.
- Oh, my God.

- That wasn't my fault.
- No. It was not.

I didn't mean to...

I got out of the way.
I'm sorry.

I was aiming for him,
not her, everybody.

I just... I just
got out of the way.

Are you filming this
with your phone?

Are you filming this?
Did you send it in already?

Is the damage done?

Louis, shit.

Call Publicity. We've got another
fucking scandal on our hands.

No. She's fine. She...

It was an accident.

All you crew members
I just talked shit about,

I have an idea.

How about if every one of you

had just a moment of your life
that you didn't want anyone to see,

and then it's out there.
Does anyone know what that's like?

Because when you sign up
for this fucking job,

you just have to
spread them wider

and say, "That's right.

I'm on the fucking
gynecological table of life.

Look fucking down
my goddamn shaft.

Look at it. Shine your
fucking light in there."

Well, let's walk outside,
take a breath.

They'll figure out
if she can keep working.

And in the meantime, why don't
we talk about anything else?

Shit.

Fuck, God damn it.

Fuck, fuck, fu...

That infamous incident
from five years ago,

signaled the end of
Candy Black's stellar career.

And today, Hollywood's class
clown has fallen to a new low.

Yeah. Miss Black
has been on trial

for six counts
of willfully failing

to file federal
income tax returns

for amounts totaling
$6.3 million.

It's been a stunning
fall from grace

for one of the most successful
female comedy stars of all time.

Of course,
beloved by audiences.

But Candy's career
took a nose dive

after her
onset meltdown.

She's become one of Hollywood's
most famous recluses,

hiding out in her
Long Island estate,

rivaling Howard Hughes
and Greta Garbo

for her reluctance to step
back into the limelight.

Candy Black did not
appear in court today.

And in fact, she has not
been seen in public at all

for the last five years.

Her attorney's claim she was
too drunk to file her taxes.

So a judge has sentenced her
to 90 days in rehab.

Coming up next,
we have a top mixologist

to show us Candy's shockingly
powerful highball whiskey cocktail.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What you up to?

I'm watching
dumb online news.

That stuff's toxic.
It's all noise.

Yeah, I know. You're right.

Getting rid of my TV was the
best decision I ever made.

I never watched it anyway.

And I banned myself
from going online

till I finish
a first draft of my book.

So, how's the new table
coming along? Use pine?

Fuck pine.
I chose cedar, obviously.

Did you use a rasp
on the legs?

No.

A riffler
and some spoons blades.

I wish I was with you
right now.

We could see just how sturdy
that table really is.

Yeah.

Me, too.

Look, uh, there's something
I need to talk to you about.

Okay.

Things are just
pretty crazy right now

and I might not be able to...

I don't think I'm gonna be able to
talk to you for a couple months.

A couple of months?

Two or three at the most.

Wait, why? Where are you going?
Why can't we talk on the phone?

I can't tell you, but,
um, after this hiatus,

I just want to pick up right
where we left off. And, um...

I just need you to know
how important

this relationship is to me.

What relationship?
We've never even met.

And now you're telling me
you have to go away

and there's nothing
you can do about it?

Look, I think...

Okay. Well, I don't know
why you're doing this.

I felt like we were finally
getting somewhere, but... whatever.

Anyway, I gotta go.

Hey, can't sleep
in your car around here.

No, of course not.
I wasn't sleeping in my car.

I... I just pulled over for a
little power nap. That's all.

Sure, lady.
Gotta move your car along.

Street cleaning starts
in ten minutes.

- Hey.
- Hey, Louis, I need a favor.

I was just about
to call you.

I was thinking for the press
statement, something akin to,

"I'm ecstatic to have defrauded
the federal government,

and I'm looking forward
to doing enough drugs

to kill Charlie Sheen
and his sponsor."

- Whatever.
- Buddy, I'm joking.

I don't have to tell you that I don't
have to tell you that I'm joking.

Look, I wanna go on record here
and let it be known

that I know we haven't
talked in bit,

but I'm sorry about the way
things ended up with us.

Uh, you were an asshole.
I wasn't at my best.

And that's why
we're good together.

So let's do more of it.
Trilogy Artistic wants you back.

Louis, Louis...

And maybe rehab
is a good thing.

You know? It's like
a judge-mandated vacation

where you come back,
lie to the public.

Then we go back to fucking them
straight in their wallets.

Louis, listen, I need
some contact information.

Okay? Someone
I used to work with.

Do you remember my stand-in,
Paula... something?

Look, remind the director,

the right one blows
at the wrist

and the left one blows off
at the elbow.

Okay.

They're ready for you.

Hi, Terry.

Are there, um, any auditions
available today?

Oh, they're auditioning
stand-ins now.

I've got a few inquiries
for background stuff.

Oh, I don't do extra work.

Why, you think
you're better than us?

You know, one time,
doing a Candy Black vehicle,

and this one,
little miss stand-in,

doesn't even join us
for lunch.

Has no trailer, just sits in the
corner, eating a burrito.

Nice.

- Uh, Paula?
- What is it?

There's another e-mail here
from Lewis at Trilogy.

They need someone to play
Candy Black in a reenactment.

And they want you to go
to the producer's house

for an audition...
right away.

They want me?

- Yeah.
- Wow. Oh, my God.

That's amazing.
Everything's coming up Paula.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Sorry. I had to lie to
get you to come out here.

I didn't recognize you
at first.

Well, I stopped going
to my colorist,

around the same time I
stopped looking in the mirror

and leaving the house.

Come on in.

I guess the stand-in work's
kinda dried up.

- Sorry about that.
- Oh, no problem.

- Want a drink?
- Sure.

So, what are you doing
for a living these days?

Well, actually I'm working
in a nursing home.

Oh, that must be
very rewarding.

Well, it depends on how you feel
about cleaning up human shit.

It's not bad actually,
but they cut my paycheck.

So, I fell behind
on my rent,

and my landlord's
kind of a hard-ass,

and I lost my apartment.

So, I'm sort of
living in my car.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

No, don't feel bad for me.

I feel bad for you,
with that insane verdict.

I know, I didn't get
my tax forms in on time.

So fucking what? The IRS isn't
going to get a new coffee machine.

Exactly. And who cares if you
have a drink now and again?

I don't even party anymore. It's just I
was so messed up for so long, no one cares.

Well, you shouldn't
have to go to rehab.

Oh, I agree.

But unfortunately I do.

Unless someone else
goes in my place.

How do you mean?

Someone who looks
a lot like me.

What?

When I said I had you
in mind for a part,

I wasn't bullshitting.
I'm the part.

And you're the only one
auditioning.

Think of it like a stand-in
job for a rehab movie.

Except there's no cameras
and no movie.

Oh, my God.

I mean, that would be...
could be highly illegal.

Technically.

Do you actually think
we could get away with it?

No one's seen
my face in years,

and I could have
had work done.

Your face is
as good as mine.

I'd do it myself,
but there's someone...

there's something
very important

that I have to
take care of.

And I'd offer
to pay you money,

but I'm kinda broke
right now.

If I did it, could we go
back to the way things were

and I could be your
stand-in again?

Hell no.
I'm through with acting.

Why? You're the best.

The best?

At being hit in the face
by ladders and watermelons?

You're the queen of comedy.
You're Candy Black.

Not anymore.

I don't want to be
an actress.

And I sure as fuck
don't want to be famous.

Being famous is like being
in the back of a sports car,

driven by
a bunch of dicks.

My whole career
was a mistake.

I got my first acting job

because I was working as a
carpenter on some awful comedy.

I was rigging
stunt tables.

And one day the lead actress
just never showed up.

It turned out she died,
an overdose.

That should've been
a warning.

Anyway, they needed
someone to get planked.

And I said,
"Sure, I'll do it."

Anyway I'm sick
of that shit.

Unlike you.
You always loved being on a film set.

Yes, I did.

Listen. I'll do it.

I'll do the rehab thing.

Yeah? Amazing.

But my price is,
when I get out,

you take an acting job
and make me your stand-in.

Deal?

Deal.

Come on, Candy,
give us a picture.

So, um, I don't have
to go away after all.

I'm... I'm so relieved.

That's amazing.
I'm happy we still get to talk.

So, how's your book
coming along?

I've given up trying to write
in my apartment.

It's too distracting.

I found this bar around the
corner that doesn't have Wi-Fi.

So it's the one bar in Brooklyn
not full of hipsters with laptops.

- Hmm.
- Though I did see one with a typewriter.

Well, I can't wait
to read it.

I've been reading that
Shaker book you recommended.

I just love how
self-sufficient they were.

It's, like,
they grow their own food

and made their own
buildings and furniture.

That's my dream,
is just to get off the grid

and move to a small town.

Well, let's just
fucking do it, then.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Have you heard
about Pleasant Hill?

It's one of the biggest
Shaker settlements.

We can open up
a furniture store

and have a cute little
apartment above it.

Yeah. Yeah. And they've got some
amazing cedar and maple trees up there.

I'm looking at
my Papa Bear chair right now.

Our Papa Bear chair.

Thinking about you
carving a love seat

out of a beautiful
piece of cedar.

Your sexy wood talk
is giving me wood.

Oh, really?

Although we should probably
meet face to face

before we run off together.

Guys, are we ready
to start the meeting?

Candy, would you like
to kick off the sharing?

Would you mind
if I didn't?

Perhaps you could tell us all
about your rock bottom.

Well, I haven't really
had a rock bottom.

So, maybe someone else in the
group who has should share...

Candy, it's important
to face the facts

that our disease causes us
to make some terrible mistakes.

Yeah, like that piece
of shit movie you made

about the girl who gets super
strength when she gets high.

Excuse me, it was called
Pippi Bongstocking,

and it wasn't a piece of shit.
It was good.

She got the munchies
and she ate a whole building.

- It was fucking stupid.
- It was a gingerbread house,

and it was
fucking hilarious.

People, could we bring the focus
back to recovery, please?

Thank you.

This must be a real
wake-up call for you,

a big Hollywood hotshot.

Yeah. I've never cleaned
a table before.

It's a real eye opener.

Everybody's freaking out, and I'm
just, like, "You guys, calm down.

She's just, like, a lady.
A lady who takes a dump.

Every day."

I might've seen maybe
one of your early movies,

but I never saw
any of the sequels,

and I definitely never read that
Vanity Fair profile piece about you.

Um, I didn't want to mention
this in front of everybody,

but I'm Barbara Cox's assistant.
The director.

Oh, Barbara.
Yes, of course.

She's always been
very nice to me.

Oh, my gosh. She's the best. She's actually
paying for me to be here right now.

Is it because she got
sentenced to rehab

and you took her place?

What? No, girl,
that is crazy.

I kinda had a breakdown
a couple of weeks ago.

You know what?
Here's a tip.

Don't mix Fentanyl,
bennies and heroin.

- Did anyone ever tell you that?
- No.

Look, I know you're not supposed
to have contact with the outside,

but Barbara messaged me
about you.

She wants to know if you're up for
doing a cameo in the Saddle Up reboot.

- Really?
- The only thing is,

is that it films
in a couple of weeks,

and I feel like you're
still gonna be in here.

Oh, shit.

Well, listen,
not a big deal.

Take it from an old pro
in the rehab motherfucking game.

If you can convince the ladies
with the clipboards

that you are serious about
your road to recovery,

they'll send you home early.

Okay. Would you tell
Barbara I'm up for it?

- But I have one condition.
- Girl, name it.

Do you remember
my old stand-in?

Oh, my God. Yes.
How can I forget her?

She's such a fucking loser.

♪ I love you, I hate you ♪

♪ I'm on the fence
It all depends ♪

♪ Whether I'm up or down ♪

♪ I'm on the mend,
transcending all reality ♪

♪ I like you, despise you
Admire you ♪

♪ What are we gonna do When
everything All falls through? ♪

♪ I must confess I've made a mess
of what Should be a small success ♪

♪ But I digress At least I've
tried My very best, I guess ♪

♪ This, that, the other
Why even bother? ♪

Okay, my name is Candy,
and I am an alcoholic.

And my story is that
I love drinking booze.

I love drinking booze.

In fact, it's my
favorite thing to drink.

And when I've drunk
enough booze,

I do terrible things,
like falling over.

Or I'll drink more
and then say terrible things,

like "get lost" or other things.

And sometimes I'll pee all
over myself and other people.

And that's who I am.

I am a booze-loving,
foul-mouthed person

who says and does wrong things
and, uh, pees on themselves

and doesn't always clean it up.

Thank you, Candy.
I know that was hard for you.

Well done. Well done.

You've really turned
a corner.

Who's ready to share next?

Come on, Candy,
give us something.

You should probably stay until
the bottom-feeders leave.

Really?

That would be amazing.

Sure. Pick a guest room.
I've got, like, 13.

So, the most incredible
thing happened at rehab.

- You got a job offer. An acting job.
- Yeah.

The director Barbara Cox
asked for you personally,

and they need a stand-in.

So your comeback
starts now.

They want you on set
Friday night.

- I can't do it.
- What?

I can't do the film.

We had a deal.

I'm not doing the film

because I have something
really important that night.

A date.

With who?

A guy. Steve.

And he doesn't know
I'm Candy, the actress.

He thinks I'm Kathy,
the carpenter.

- The what?
- It's a long story.

I set up a profile on
this website for woodworkers.

Carpentry Talk.

It was a nice vacation from...

...the old movie star, Missy.

I felt like...
I feel like I'm more myself

as Kathy Tyler, carpenter,

than I ever did
as Candy Black, asshole.

Kathy Tyler?

It's my real name.

Louis came up
with Candy Black.

Anyway, I met Steve
on this website.

He's the first guy that's ever not
seen dollar signs and billboards

before they actually see me.

All we do is talk
about furniture.

Anyway, we've been talking
about meeting up for months,

and Friday night
is our anniversary.

Well, why don't you
just tell him the truth?

And then
you could reschedule.

Tell him I've been lying to him
every day for a year?

I can't do that
on our first date.

It probably would
make him happy.

It's like buying what
you think is a Ford Focus

and then finding out
it's a Maserati.

I can't ruin
this relationship

so you can get
your old job back.

I went to rehab for you.
We had a deal.

I know. I'm sorry.

I want my old life back.

Look. I'm sorry.
I know this is really shitty.

- I just...
- So, what is your master plan?

How long are you going to
be Kathy the carpenter?

As long as I want.

I mean, don't you want Steve
to know who you really are?

Kathy is who I really am.

RIP, Candy.

Long live Kathy.

Hey.

Wow, you look great.

What's the matter?

It's from Steve.

What does it say?

"I'm sorry. I wanted
to tell you in person,

but it's simpler this way.

The truth is,
I'm married and my wife...

...found out about us.

Even though I love you,
I love her more.

I know that doesn't
make sense right now.

I can't see you or speak
to you or message you anymore.

She's reading all my messages.

So please don't
try to contact me.

So sorry. It was great
getting to know you."

Oh, sweetie. That's terrible.
I'm so sorry.

At least he bothered

to write you something long

and eloquent
and beautifully written.

I knew it was too good
to be true.

I knew it.

Gosh, married
this whole time.

And he never mentioned it?

What a lying sack of shit.

Well, maybe work will
make you feel better.

Hello?

Sorry. I had
to call you. I'm here.

Uh, I know you're scared.
I'm scared, too.

But if you don't come
meet me at this bar,

I'm gonna call you every hour
on the hour until you show up.

We have to talk
in person tonight.

Have fun
on your date.

Oh, it's not a date.

I'm telling someone
to get lost.

Kathy?

Steve?

You look about as nervous
as I feel.

So I figured
it must be you.

Hmm.

Hi. Hi.

Um, you know,
I made a bet with myself

over whether or not
you'd make it.

And it looks like I lost.

Or won, depending on
how you look at it.

I hope you're not disappointed
that I don't look like a chair.

- No, no.
- Okay.

You look great.

Thanks. You, too.

What I can see of you.

Kathy.

Hello.

Do you have a cold?
'Cause your voice...

You sound like...

No, this is me.

This is the real me.

So...

How's life.

Oh, uh, well...

I haven't made much progress
on my book,

um, since last we spoke.

Oh, no. I get the same way with books.
You just lose the thread.

I only got halfway
through Gone Girl.

Good one.

It was good.
I just got really busy.

Um, but I...

The reason why I haven't been able
to focus on writing my Shaker book

is 'cause I've just been
so damn nervous about today.

Me, too.

I mean, this last year
talking to you

has been one of
the most wonderful,

intense, life-changing
experiences I've ever had.

We shared so many details
about ourselves.

Things I've never
even told anybody.

And I just...
I needed this to be real.

It is real, right?

Yes, it is real.

It is totally real.

It's great to finally
see your face, Kathy.

There's something really
important I need to tell you.

Yeah?

I changed
my cell phone number.

- Where have you been?
- Hmm.

Getting you a pizza.
I thought it might cheer you up.

Ugh. You're awfully
fucking chipper.

- Oh, this is supposed to be amazing.
- Yeah?

Shaker furniture
is so hot right now.

Do you mind
if I borrow it?

It's Louis.

Why is that asshole
calling so late?

I bet it's important.

If you're so fucking interested in
it, you answer it.

- Hi, Louis.
- Hey.

So, The Today Show
wants a one-on-one interview.

Oh, um, okay.

And Warrior Water,
which is this new water

that I guess wants
to fight other waters,

has offered you a bunch of money
just to drink the water on camera.

I'm talking low-
to mid-six figures.

What do you say?

Okay, wait, just...
hold on a moment.

Sure. Take all
the time you need.

Look, I know you didn't
want to do that movie,

but this isn't acting.
This is just you being you.

No.

Now that it's over with that
worthless cheating asshole,

you have nothing to lose.

How about the fact
that I don't give a shit?

Well, you can't just
stay here and rot.

You have to
get back out there.

And these days,
an interview is what you do

when you're famous and
you've done something wrong.

You make penance
with the nation.

Exactly. Fuck that.

We had a deal.

And if you're not gonna
get me my old job back,

then you should give me
half the appearance fee.

Okay.

I'll do the interview.

Good.

But no comeback.

I'm doing this
for the cash.

To pay you what I owe you and
then you can go fuck yourself.

- Louis, we're...
- Yes.

I'm in.

- Yeah?
- It's great to be back.

Oh, it is good
to have you back.

Thank you, Louis,
for believing in me.

Candy.

The car's here.
It's time to go to the studio.

You're gonna miss the interview.
This is important.

So what? I don't give a shit
about that dumb interview anyway.

Well, you should!

All you have to do
is say the word "sorry."

It's not brain surgery!
What is wrong with you?

If it's so easy,
you go fucking do it.

Well, Candy on behalf
of all of your fans.

I'd like to just say
welcome back.

It's great to be back.

You've had your share of
well-publicized troubles.

But your recent court case
must've been very difficult.

Yes, it was.

Was it at a low point
or was it a turning point?

You know, in many ways,

I think it might've been the best
thing that could have happened to me.

And I think
that going to rehab

was a real
life-changing experience.

I hope you don't mind
my asking you...

the hat and the glasses.

It does look like you're
trying to hide something.

Well, I've had some cosmetic surgery in
my, um, facial area.

Would you be comfortable
taking off the hat and glasses?

Well, you look great.

That wasn't so bad,
was it?

If you don't mind. I'd like to
bring out someone that you know.

You haven't spoken to her
in several years, though.

This is the actress you struck
during your onset meltdown.

Jenna Jones. Yes, I've been looking
forward to speaking with her.

- Hi, Savannah.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Hi.

You've only ever communicated
with me through your attorney.

So I wanted to talk
to you in person.

Candy, you settled Jenna's suit
for an undisclosed amount.

It was $300,000.

Undisclosed until now.

- The eye patch.
- It's medically prescribed.

It's not Pirates
of the Caribbean,

and it has seriously
impacted my castability.

Jenna, is there anything you would
like to hear from Candy today?

Yes. I want to hear
her say she's sorry.

I don't want
to hear her say

that the payout
somehow makes it okay.

Or that she's got some
disease that makes her drink

and do terrible things.

You're right.
I owe you an apology,

and I am very sorry for
hurting you with that ashtray.

And that same thing goes to
everyone else I've let down,

including my fellow actors
and stand-in

and my fans
who believed in me,

even when I didn't
believe in myself.

Wow. Is this a whole new
Candy Black we're seeing?

I sure hope so.

Buddy.
That was fantastic. I love it.

I love the smile.
The whole face.

- Thank you so much.
- Don't worry about it.

And I'm getting a lot
of appearance requests.

Award ceremonies,
a fan convention.

I mean Comic-Con-level,
fun, fun stuff.

- Ooh.
- People love a redemption story.

Oh, your car should
be here any minute.

Do you mind if, um,
if I get a selfie.

I'm Simon. My boss at the PR
firm, he'll love it.

And he will get us
more clients, you know?

- Sure.
- Yeah? Oh.

I would really love
to tag you in it.

Um, but I realized that
you're not on social media.

- Yeah, no.
- You should definitely consider it.

'Cause it's a great tool for
touching base with your fans.

You get that
personal connection.

And if you're too busy,
my agency can always post for you.

We're a one-stop shop, right?

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

I mean, if we get you
on Twitter,

you'll have a million
followers overnight.

Although it's more
about Insta right now.

Because people love you.
They love you.

They've never stopped
loving you. They...

They're waiting
for that comeback.

They wanna see it
on the stories.

They wanna see it
in the snaps.

You're a star.
You are.

Hey, maybe I should ride
with you to the next spot.

I just wanna make sure
you get there okay.

Oh, sure.

It was really nice
meeting you.

In fact, this whole day
has been wonderful.

That is so great to hear.

Louis warned me that you weren't really
into interviews and publicity, but you...

That's the old me.

I hope this isn't
inappropriate,

but it would be amazing
to keep this going.

Maybe over dinner
or something. Maybe.

It's an interesting offer.
I'd be delighted to entertain it.

Hey, Candy,
love the new look.

Oh, thank you.

Hey there, Candy.

- Um...
- In the future,

I'd advise you to
check your boundaries.

It's great to see you.
I was gonna call you.

- So this is great.
- This is nuts.

Are you looking forward to
getting back into making movies?

I can't wait.

Listen, come inside
and I'll explain everything.

Okay, my car's right here.

My first Instagram.

No wonder you
never invited me over.

Kathy the carpenter
would have had to build

a hell of a lot of end
tables to afford this place.

Um, look, I just wanted you
to like me for who I am.

And you're the first guy
I've dated

that hasn't seen dollar signs
and billboards

before they've seen me.

And I know that doesn't
excuse what I did

and I shouldn't have lied.

I'm sorry.

I've been saying sorry all day
and it's been working out great.

Normally, it's the carpenter
who pretends to be a movie star,

not the other way around.

It's like buying what
you think is a Ford Focus,

but finding out
it's a Maserati?

I'll need to check
under the hood first.

Would you like to come
inside for a drink?

Sounds good.

- Actually, forget it.
- What, why?

I forgot that I'm doing work
inside the house.

Construction work.
So we can't go inside.

I'm sorry.

Well, let's go
to my place.

Why don't we...
Why don't you sit on my lap,

on my Hans Wegner
Papa Bear chair?

You don't remember?

That's one of our first
phone sex sessions.

It got you all hot
and bothered.

Oh, right. The phone sex.

You know what? I just want
to forget about all of that.

I wanna start over
from scratch.

I really found myself warming to her.
I like her.

You know what?
She looks amazing.

I mean, she must've gone
to a really good doctor.

Yeah, she looks so good.

And that nose and
the veneers are perfection.

I need to know
who did that nose.

That is definitely a Jason
Diamond nose for sure.

You know,
it's not just physical.

There's kind of a glow
that's emanating from within.

And I mean,
she used to be real nasty.

Well, it worked.
They like your face.

I noticed I've got
a Twitter account now?

Louis started that.
I hope it's okay.

I could give fucking
two shits less.

All right. I'm gonna transfer
250 grand into your account.

- Thank you.
- You were right.

It's the least I owe you
for what you did for me.

Well, you're free to go.

Job well done.

Louis is getting a lot of offers
for personal appearances.

He's talking about
an apology tour.

What?

It's a sort of stage show,

where you go around to different
TV stations apologizing.

The fees are pretty great.

Couple of weeks
of personal appearances,

and you could clear out
all your debts.

I could stand-in for you.
We could split the fees.

And as long as
the money's coming in,

who cares if they get
the real deal?

Sure. Why not?

Besides, you seem
to like being Candy

a lot more
than I ever did.

She got a regal quality
to her as well.

Yes.
Like classic Hollywood glamour,

- like Marilyn Monroe in All About Eve.
- Ohh.

I would like to take this
opportunity to apologize...

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.

Well, that's what
I'm most sorry for.

Whew. Hard-core
apology porn.

Isn't it true
that you've been called

part of the irresponsible
selfish liberal elite?

One hundred percent.

I sincerely hope to one day
receive the public's forgiveness,

and I am so sorry.

Candy Black is here
tonight to apologize.

Love an apology. Yeah!

So,
our next guest is Candy Black.

She is here
to say she's sorry.

I'm just sorry
she's been gone so long,

and we're so glad
she's back.

Come on out here, Candy.

You have a message for
those fans who are at home?

Besides "Go to bed."

Say it on that camera
right over there.

- Right, this one?
- Sure.

Okay. Girls, do your taxes.

Please do you taxes.
Whatever you do, girls.

And I'm sorry to everyone.

I am very sorry.

Well, thank you
for that apology, Candy.

I think if more stars
were like you,

Hollywood would be
a better place.

Hmm. Well, I'd say you
haven't changed a bit,

but that'd be
a load of bullshit.

- Barbara.
- Look at you. You look great.

Thank you.
It's so wonderful to see you.

You, too. You know,

I'm actually right in the
middle of shooting that movie

my assistant
told you about.

You know,
the Saddle Up reboot.

- Oh, yes. Ingrid.
- Yeah.

- How is she doing?
- Oh, she's great.

Greatest assistant
I ever had,

especially now that she's
not tossing the pills back

like they were M&Ms.

Hmm. Well, I do
owe you an apology

about that cameo.
I couldn't do it.

And it was
an amazing offer.

Well, you know,
the offer still stands.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I mean, we replaced you
with someone,

but it didn't work out,
to put it kindly,

and the studio wants
to reshoot it.

So come on. It's only
gonna be a day's work.

Wow. Just...

You know, I haven't
acted in so long.

And I thought that I would just
stick to personal appearances,

you know,
do the apology tour stuff.

You know, any asshole
can be a celebrity.

You're an actress,
and a gifted one.

Stop apologizing,
start acting.

Thank you, Barbara.

Hi. Sorry to disturb you.
I couldn't help but overhear,

and I just wanted to say
I hope you take the role.

I know it's a big choice,
but I, for one,

would be so honored
to see your comeback.

You're such
an inspiration to me

and to every other
young actress I know.

Thank you. My whole goal
is really to be someone who...

I'm done.

They made us sit through
five hours of awards

before they even start
the first fucking course.

Ta-da.

Wow.

It's an authentic
Shaker ladder back chair.

It's a really nice chair.

Thanks.

So, what are your plans
for the rest of the day?

I was thinking about
making another piece.

A credenza, maybe.

I'm sick of feeling
sorry for myself.

I'm just gonna embrace
the fact that I'm on my own

and that my so-called
relationship is over.

I'm gonna go back to doing
what I do best. Carpentry.

Who needs a man when you can
build a dresser from scratch?

Well, sure, but you deserve
a break from all this hard work,

and maybe it'd be nice to go
take a trip into Manhattan

on your own
and see a theater show.

With every dick-weed on the street
shouting my catchphrase at me?

No, thanks.

Well, I mean,

you have to leave
the house at some point.

You can't be
a total shut-in.

I'm not a shut-in.
I'm a woodworker.

And I'm happy in my workshop.

Well, as long as you've got me as
your front man paying the bills.

Well, if you don't like the
arrangement, you can always resign.

Skip the boring
five-course dinners

and go back to
living in your car.

I brought you a smoothie...

to say I'm sorry
for being such an asshole.

If you want to stay home
and make furniture all day,

you should stay home
and make furniture all day.

Thanks.

Look, I'm sorry.
It was really rude, what I said,

and you've been great.

You're basically the best friend
I have right now.

Here's to you, roomie.

Roomie.

To the Shakers.

To the motherfucking Shakers.

So, I just passed the
halfway mark on my book.

Congratulations.

Yeah. And guess what
was playing

on the TV
at the bar today?

An old movie of yours.

You played this BMXer who
falls off her bike a lot.

Oh. BMX Blackout. Hmm.

Well, it was actually
pretty funny.

I laughed despite the fact that
I couldn't hear much of it.

Look, the other night,
when we saw each other.

I'm so sorry
that I deceived you.

I just didn't want
to lose you.

Look, you can stop.

The truth is,
I owe you an apology.

I lied to you, too.

Um...

My name isn't Steve.

It's Larry.

And I'm not from
New York, like I said.

I'm from Ann Arbor,
Michigan.

Basically, I made
a mistake, which, uh...

sorry, I haven't talked
about this in a while.

Um... okay.

What happened was,
my friend Jerry and I

were doing
Habitat for Humanity

in new Orleans
after Katrina.

And, uh, you know,
we were exhausted.

We needed a break.
So we got really drunk,

and we were wandering the
streets at 4:00 in the morning,

and suddenly I need
to pee really badly.

And so I'm peeing,
and I turn around,

this old lady's
taking a photo of me.

And she calls the cops and I got
arrested for disorderly conduct.

And the photo ends up
going viral

and getting, like,
18 million hits.

For just pissing
in the street?

Well, I left out sort of
an important little detail.

Um, I didn't realize it
at the time

because it was dark
and I was so drunk,

but it turns out
that I was pissing

on the new Orleans
Holocaust Memorial.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah. And it gets worse.

Here, just take a look
at the photo.

It's pretty easy to find.
Just Google "Larry Cooper"

and, like, two million
of these things come up.

Hmm.

You're pissing on a child.

- Sculpture of a child.
- And you're making a Nazi salute.

No, I'm not giving
a Nazi salute.

The photo was taken at the
exact moment that I leaned back

from resting my head
against the wall.

And the wall
has names on it.

Yes. Yes.
The Holocaust Memorial

is constructed
from black marble,

which is almost
impossible to see,

let alone read, in the dark.
Did I mention it was dark?

You know, I do remember
this photo now.

Yeah, of course you've seen it.
Everyone has.

My friends all said, "Don't worry.
Everyone will forget it."

But they didn't.

And my name changed
from Larry Cooper

to Larry the Nazi who
pissed on Holocaust babies.

So, I lost my dream job,

changed my name and moved
to New York to disappear,

become a face
in the crowd.

I even stopped dating.

In fact, the first girlfriend I've
had since this all happened is you.

Wow.

Oh, man. I... I feel like this
huge weight has been lifted.

From now on,
total honesty.

Okay, Candy?

Absolutely.

It's part of the reason why I'm so
obsessed about moving to Pleasant Hill.

- Pleasant Hill?
- Yeah, the handmade furniture store.

Oh, right. Pleasantville,
the handmade furniture store.

Pleasant Hill.

Hmm. Right.

Just thinking about escaping
to this tiny little town

where nobody's seen
the stupid photo.

Where you could work
on furniture all day,

and I could finish
my book.

What's the matter?

Oh, it's just being out
in the middle of nowhere

with no phone signal,
surrounded by chairs.

Right.

I have almost
four million followers

on my Twitter account.

They just opened it
the other day.

And that proves to me
what I've known all along,

that the public
wants me to come back,

and I wanna give them
what they need.

Okay.

Well, I mean, obviously
I want you to be happy.

I just...

I guess it's gonna just take a
little bit of getting my head around.

Well... try.

Okay, I'm just gonna go
to the bathroom.

Okay.

Candy?

You okay?

Thought I heard you
throwing up.

Yes, I just threw up.
I don't feel well.

I... It must've been
something I ate.

You barely even
touched your food.

I know, but I...
I... I just...

- I need to take a rain check.
- Rain... Where? What?

- Can we pick this up another night? I'm sorry.
- No, I just got here.

I'm not feeling well.
And I'm gonna vomit again.

And I don't wanna do it
in front of you.

I'm sorry. I'll call you.

You want to tell me
why I've been locked out

in my garden house
like fucking Guantánamo?

A little tip: If you're going
to drug a former addict,

you might wanna
up the dose.

Who the fuck was that
you just kicked out anyway?

Who was who?
That was nobody.

Does Mr. Nobody's car
drive itself.

Okay. I was on a date.

Oh, my God.

And this date you're on,

who does the guy think
he was about to get it on with?

Paula the stand-in
or Candy the movie star.

Who is this guy anyway,
a groupie?

Have you been rooting through
my trash for cast-off cock?

He is not cast-off cock.

Let me guess.
He's the man of your dreams.

The only catch is
he's not in love with you.

He's in love with me.

Oh, he is not
in love with you

because he's never
even met you.

And you wouldn't take the
hint about going out tonight, so...

So, why have a conversation
with someone

when you can just throw them
in a pile of leaves?

I thought you were
my friend, roomie,

but you're just a leech.

Getting another free ride on the
gravy train like everyone else,

with a slice of cock pie.

If I'm a leech,
what does that make you?

The chick who worked
her ass off for 20 years

making a name for herself.

You know what? You're not a leech.
That was too harsh.

You're more like a coat stand
made of shitty pine.

God damn it.

Everybody thinks a stand-in
has it so goddamn easy.

Did you know that I can't
even drive at night

because I have
night blindness

from them shining those lights
in my eyes all those years?

You may have made
a name for yourself,

but I'm the only one
doing anything with it.

I am the Candy Black that
everybody's always wanted.

Uh, you're me,
minus the talent.

Those fans, those paparazzi...

it's not you they want,
honey, it's me.

Yeah, but it's me
they're getting.

And without me,
there would just be some sad,

middle-aged woman with a
hammer making sideboards.

They need Candy Black.

They deserve Candy Black.

You think I have
some obligation to my fans

to fucking distract them from
their pointless, boring lives?

Yes, I goddamn do!

Bullshit! Bullshit!

I've done my service
to the nation.

Entertaining the people, okay?
I want my fucking life back.

What about the life
you promised back to me?

Well, you seem to be enjoying
your new life just fine.

I'm gonna call your groupie

and let him know whose pussy
he's really chowing down on.

Give me that.

Give me that.

God... Just...
Fine, take it!

And take your
goddamn groupie.

Just get out of my house
and never come back.

Ohh!

That hit you
where it hurts.

Damn! Goddamn coat stand!

Fuck!

Open the fucking door!

You fucking cunt!

Shit.

Come on!

Open the door!

Come on,
open the fucking door!

Police?
Hi, this is Candy Black.

The actress.

Oh, thank you.
It's nice to be back.

There's an intruder
at my house.

She's a weirdo who's had
plastic surgery to look like me.

1800 Oakwood Drive.
Thank you.

Think you can steal
my house?

My name, my life?

This is my fucking life.

But you weren't
doing anything with it.

So maybe it's time to let
someone else have a turn.

I'm fucking freezing
out here.

Okay. Okay, that's it.
Party's over.

- Ow!
- Party's over.

- You fucking idiot. I'm Candy Black!
- Yeah, sure you are.

Ma'am, we're gonna have
to remove you from the property.

I'm fucking Candy Black.
She's the impostor, you fucking douchebag.

Oh!

Shit!

You should be removing her.
She's the impostor.

- I'm Candy Black!
- Thank you.

Glad to help.

Uh, can I get a selfie?

Sure.

Great.

That scene where you
and the chicken friends

had the dildo sword fight
made me laugh my ass off.

Jennifer Aniston
is a good friend.

Good night.

Because
you're my sponsor.

Because I think that this is
starting to feel like a con.

You're telling me my life
is going to be improved

and better with the sobriety.

I'm not seeing any cash
from that. Okay?

All I'm seeing is just a guy

who doesn't have the blistering
confidence that I had

when I was shit-faced
half the day.

So I'm thinking
about legal action.

So you better explain your...

Hold on.

Yeah, I'll call you back
if I want.

- Hello?
- Louis?

Hey, Candy.

It's about the cameo
and the Saddle Up reboot.

- Yes.
- I'm up for it. I wanna take the job.

That's great. This is
the right decision for us.

I'm... I'm so happy.
And they're willing to pay your quote.

I'll get into it
with them tomorrow.

Thank you, Louis,
for believing in me.

Buddy, I believe in you

in a way that
this business never has,

and that doesn't go away.
All right?

Thank you, goodbye.

What in Sam hell...

Hello?

Louis! Let me in.

But wait, I...
From the phone just now?

- Let me in!
- Okay.

Oh! Hey.

Hey.

Can I stay here tonight?

You look weird.
What's going on?

I just got off
the phone with you.

Oh, shit.
No, that was my impostor.

And she just kicked me
out of my fucking house.

- Your impostor?
- Yeah.

My old stand-in. I got her
to go to rehab for me.

And then she kind of
stayed around

and acted like
she was gonna help me.

But it turns out she's just
a fucking evil bitch

who was waiting
to screw me over.

So, the person that
I've been dealing with

these last couple of weeks
doing the apology tour,

that's this chick,
the stand-in? Not you?

Well, she looks like me,
and she's been on TV.

So she has the officially
registered version of my face.

So, this nice Candy,

the one that
turns up on time

and has been bringing
all this money...

that's not you?

No.

Okay.

I am gonna go with her
on this one.

- What?
- I just...

It doesn't matter
that she's fake.

This whole business
is fake.

My name isn't even Louis.
It's Friedrich.

But who wants an agent
named Friedrich?

So if this new you makes more
money and is easier to work with,

why wouldn't I...
Does that make sense?

So, this is that moment

where I say goodbye.

There's something
really special I wanna give you.

A Shaker
ladder back chair, wow.

Yes, it was inspired by
the great Shaker woman,

Tabitha Babbitt,
and I made it for you.

It took a lot of work
and I used a lot of glue.

- Glue?
- Yes.

I cheated a little bit.

Hmm. Thanks, but...

Things still feel weird
between us.

Something doesn't feel right.

How does this feel?

- Excuse me. Can I ask you a favor?
- No.

- No.
- Could you take our picture?

Say "cheese."

Cheese.

Thanks so much, honey.

I'm Kathy.

Kathy Tyler.

How are you doing?

Good.

But this is the last night
we stay here, okay?

You don't like
my apartment?

Well, I mean, it's lovely,

but why stay in
a shitty shoebox

when you can live
in a princess' palace?

It's not that bad.

Here.

It's a key...
for my prince.

Thanks.

Oh, but there's something
you should know.

There's this homeless woman,
and she broke in the other day.

- What?
- Yes. I think she's a crazed fan.

And the funny thing is
she kind of looks like me.

- I think she might've had surgery.
- Oh, my God.

So if you see her
snooping around,

just call 911.
The cops know all about her.

Um, yeah. Okay.

Hey.

If you're looking
for anyone in carpentry,

I've got a licensed
journeyman certificate

and ten years' experience.

I'd love to get a job.

Can't answer that without
seeing your work credentials.

So why don't you come back in
the morning with your paperwork,

tools, work gear.

I'll see what we've got.

Great. Thank you.

It'll be good to have
another woman on this team.

Yeah.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Well, it's not Le Cirque.

But it's certainly nice to be
back where we met. Romantic.

At least it's quiet.

Why are you
so obsessed with hiding?

Don't you want to get out in the
world and make the most of life?

- What are you doing?
- It's okay if you want to come take my photo.

They didn't even ask.

My mom loves you.

I've watched all
your movies on Netflix.

Thank you.
Well, I just joined Instagram.

So make sure to tag me
and become a follower.

Hit me where it hurts.

That's the Holocaust
piss baby guy.

Oh, shit. Okay.
I can't do this.

Stay if you want,
but I'm going to go.

I'll meet you
back at the house.

Wait so, the Holocaust
piss baby guy

is dating Candy Black?

This is awesome.

Shit! Oh, my God!

Don't do anything.
I'm dialing 911.

Don't, please.
My name is Kathy, and this is my house.

I just came here to get
some tools and work clothes.

Kathy. You're Kathy?

Oh, my God.
Are you fucking kidding me?

Call the cops.

She says
this is her house.

And her name is Kathy.
And her voice...

- Her voice is...
- A lot like mine?

Yes, because she's not
just a burglar.

She's the con artist
I was telling you about.

She doesn't sound like you.

She sounds like Kathy.

And your voice...

You sound like Steve.

Kathy, you...
You're Kathy.

She's not Kathy.
I'm Kathy.

I mean, I'm not Kathy,
but neither is she.

- Are you Steve?
- Yeah.

I mean,
I'm Larry and Steve.

- Larry?
- But if you're Kathy, then who's she?

Her name's Paula and
she's my fucking stand-in.

I'm not Paula. I'm Kathy.

I mean Candy.
But she's not Kathy or Candy.

If you're the real deal, then what
was the box office on Clown Town?

You think I sit around
memorizing that shit?

168 million domestic.
See, I'm the real deal.

If you're the real deal,
let's have a woodwork showdown.

Break out your chisel, and we'll find
out who makes the best nesting tables.

I don't have to prove
my woodworking skills to anyone.

When you met her,
you didn't think it was weird

that I'd had
a personality transplant?

No. Well, I thought I was
getting to know the real you.

I mean... her.

This is who you had
the date with?

Here at the house?

The night you drugged me?

You drugged her?

It was just
a little drugging.

You took my name and my
house, and that wasn't enough.

You had to take
the man I love, too?

You can't love him.

You don't even know him.

Now get the fuck
out of my house.

I got what I came here for.

I hope you rot in this house.

Hmm. She's gone.
The impostor is gone.

Paula. Is that even
your real name?

Yes. I'm sorry.

Sorry? For what, tricking me?

I mean...

The time we spent
together, that was real.

Just because you thought
I was someone else...

I actually had feelings
for you.

Or... I don't know.
At least I thought I did.

You're not Candy,
Kathy or Paula.

You're no one, just a black
hole where a person should be.

And I am so relieved
that you're not her.

Hello, I got you the car to
take you to set of Saddle Up,

and it's gonna be great.

The sequel is always better
than the original.

You know what I mean?
Right? You psyched?

Oh, I am so psyched.

Great. Well, break a leg,
seriously. Ha ha!

Multiple compound fractures.

All right. Um...

so excited to be working
with the new Candy.

Bye, Louis.

I've imagined what this place
looks like so many times,

it's weird actually
being in here.

- Is that Papa Bear?
- Yeah.

As a matter of fact, it is.

My chair. She gave you
my fucking chair?

I can't believe
you made that for me.

Well, actually it was
a present to myself.

I enjoyed making it so much.

The plane work on its own
is flawless,

but the whole effect,
I mean...

It looks like it could've come out
of a Shaker Society in the 1880's.

Thanks.

I think it's the best present
anyone ever gave me.

Except the wrong person
gave it to you.

Yeah, I guess so.

Hi, Ingrid.
How are you?

Sober. Great.
I'm sober and great.

Thanks again
for being up for this.

We're gonna have fun.
We're not quite ready.

So I'm going to set up
a second team.

Just relax in your trailer.

Hey, you wouldn't happen to have
some Vicodin on you, would you?

Maybe a half of a
Percocet or something?

- Ingrid!
- It's a bad time?

- I'll catch you later.
- Ingrid!

I'm coming!

They're ready
for touch-ups.

There she is.

Hey, this is Sally.

She's your stand-in
on this picture.

She just wanted a chance
to say hello to you.

I'm a big fan.

I have been since forever.

Thanks.

Okay. We'll see you
in a minute.

Here we are.

So, um, should we
just skip rehearsal?

You want to go in
for a take?

Well, they just gave me
the sides last night,

and I haven't had a chance
to read the whole script.

So I don't know
what my motivation is.

Well, your motivation
is that you...

you climb up
on this bale of hay,

and then you dive off and
land on this pile of cow shit.

- The cow shit, of course.
- Yep.

Um, do I really have to
get up on the bale of hay

and then dive
into the cow shit?

Well, yeah, I mean,
that's the whole scene.

That's the joke.
It's what you did in the first picture.

And anyway, this whole physical
comedy stuff, it's what you do.

It's your thing.
You're a genius.

Yeah. All right.

- Great.
- Wonderful.

Okay, here we go.

All right, everybody.
Let's get ready.

And mark it.

Okay. Settle.

And... action.

- Barbara, I'm sorry.
- Cut!

But I can't do
this scene. Okay?

I can't do it. I...
I cannot do the scene.

Candy, Candy, please.
Let's not do this again.

That said,
I'll be right back.

Is that the Copley you bought
in Washington County, right?

Right.

So, what are you going to do about Paula?
Call the cops?

And get arrested for sending
a psycho to rehab for me?

That psycho's stolen your life.
Don't you want it back?

No.

So you're just gonna
let her have your house,

your life, everything?

I never liked that house
or that life anyway.

And what about your career?

I've been so lucky,

but I'm really excited to
play myself for a while.

Well, I'm excited
to finally meet you.

The real you.

This isn't how
I imagined us meeting.

No. Me, neither.

But I am so happy
that we have.

So am I.

How about joining me
in the Papa Bear?

It's been a long time.

Candy?

Candy.

Candy!

Oh, shit.
Is that Paula?

Oh, fuck.

Candy.

- Candy.
- I'll deal with this.

Candy!

What the fuck?
This better be important.

Look, I know that
I'm the last person

you wanna speak to or even think
about the fact that I exist.

And I don't blame you,
but you got to do this film.

I can't do it.
Everyone's there waiting.

And I want to walk in
and tell them I'm not you.

And then you can come in and
do the scene and nail it.

You were right.

I'm not an actress.

I'm just a stand-in.

I think you can absolutely
dive headfirst

from a bale of hay
into a pile of cow shit.

Oh, I can dive headfirst
into cow shit.

But nobody can dive headfirst
into cow shit like you.

I mean, there is
only one Candy Black.

Yeah.

And I'm looking at her.

What do you mean?

You want this part so bad?

It's all yours.

And you mean it.
You're not fucking with me?

Just try not to be
too big of an asshole.

And don't give me that shit
about not being an actress,

because you've been fooling
everyone for months.

No, I'm just a coat stand.

I don't have your talent.

A talent for self-loathing

and sacrificing every ounce
of dignity I have for a laugh?

You can do that.

I'm really sorry
about Steve.

Maybe he's the one thing I
shouldn't have taken from you.

Yeah. There's been one thing I've
been meaning to give you for Steve.

Ohh! Ow!

Oh, shit.

Dude. It's Candy
fucking Black.

Let me get a selfie real quick.

Heh! Enjoy.

Watch this.
Hit me where it hurts.

Maybe you can help me up.

Okay, people, quiet down now.

And action.

Hit me where it hurts.

Cut.

Oh, okay. Let's clean
this shit off her face.

Let's go again.
We're going again. Right away.

Picture is up, guys.
Picture is up.

Stop!

Happy Birthday, gorgeous.

A cupcake for breakfast?

Why not?

Now make a wish.

I already got
all my wishes.

Thank you.

- I'm gonna go open up.
- Okay.

♪ Can't keep hanging on ♪

♪ To all that's dead
And gone ♪

♪ If you built yourself
A myth ♪

♪ You'd know just what
To give ♪

♪ Materialize ♪

♪ Or let the ashes fly ♪

♪ Help me to name it ♪

♪ Help me to name it ♪