The Spy Who Dumped Me (2018) - full transcript

["Winds of Change" by Scorpions playing]

[indistinct chatter]

Three euro.

Two. I'll give it for two.

One-fifty?

[grunting]

[groans]

[gunshots firing]

[shouting in Russian]

[people shouting]

[bullets whizzing]



[video game music playing]

[all] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

" Happy birthday to you ♪
{groans}

♪ Happy birthday, Audrey Stockman a'

♪ This little lady over here a'

♪ This funny, gorgeous X

♪ Funny, wonderful lady over here a'

♪ It's Audrey

♪ It's your birthday and you're 30 today ♪

♪ I love you
Happy birthday a'

-[all cheering]
-[Audrey sighs]

Morgan, you're such a fucking freak.
I love you.

- I love you.
- Where'd you steal that microphone from?

Audrey, you know me.
You know that I own microphones.



[laughs]

[rock music playing]

[Audrey] Fuck me. Tess is here.

Oh, my God. The audacity. [scoffs]

- Morgan...
- The sheer hubris

to show up here at your birthday.

Morgan...

There was a minimum number of people
in order to reserve the bar.

- Morgan...
- I'm so sorry. Oh, my God.

I didn't think she would come.
Oh, she's ordering a custom cocktail.

I'm gonna kill myself.

What do I say? Huh? Like,

"My boyfriend dumped me
in a text message."

How do I explain that?

I know. There's a simple solution.
It's called lying.

No. No, I'm a really bad liar.

I know, 'cause you ramble.
You give too many details.

And then people know that you're lying.
You have to be concise about it.

Here, ask me what I've been up to lately.

Um, what have you been up to?

I bought a boat. And we're out.

Oh, my God. She's coming over here.
I'm with you.

- Let's do this.
- Okay.

Hey, ladies. [chuckles]

- I can't do this.
- Oh, you're fucking dead to me.

-[chuckles] Happy birthday.
- Hey, girl.

Where's your adorable boyfriend?
[chuckles]

You know, you guys make
such a surprising couple.

Like, if I didn't meet him
as your boyfriend,

I would assume he'd be dating
someone more...

Like, edgy. Like a cool girl.
Like a model. [chuckles]

But then I see you two together,
and it's like, "Aw, this works, too."

[chuckles]

Where is he? So I can hug him.

[panting]

[shouting in Russian]

[yells]

[audience laughing on TV]

[both speaking in Russian]

[door slams open]

Okay.

Oh, God. Oh, come on.

[people screaming]

[grunting]

[men shouting indistinctly]

[grunts]

[engine starts]

This is crazy because
you're from the Ukraine...

- Uh-huh.
-...and I just auditioned

to be a Ukrainian farm girl in a GEICO ad.

And?

They told me I was too authentic.
Anyway...

Is it Ukraine or the Ukraine?

Well, it depends.
You say how you like, you know?

Always let beautiful, sexy woman decide.

-[clicks tongue] Okay.
-[chuckles]

That's what this is?

- You know...
- All right.

...you have face like doll.

Mmm. Okay.

Such a small, narrow waist. It's tiny.

You know, I was gonna drive home,

but now I think
I might just drive into a wall.

Hit me. [chuckles]

Wait, I can use this.

Come here. Audrey?

- Yeah?
- This is Viktor.

He's a visitor from Eastern Europe.

He has something
that he wants to say to you.

- I do?
- Yeah, yeah.

This is my best friend.
She's having a bad night.

Can you just use
your aggressive masculinity

for good instead of for evil,
and just tell her what you told me before?

What are you doing?

You have doll face.

No, make it specific to her.

Like really objectify her.

- Yeah?
-[Morgan] Yeah.

Okay, cool. Uh...

You have big baby eyes.

Mmm.

And, phew, soft...

[smacks lips] ...supple udders.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God! What the fuck?
-[Morgan] Wow!

Thank you so much, Viktor.

- You've done good work.
- Okay.

- Thank you so much.
- Okay, bye-bye.

I fucking hate you.

Oh, come on. You're smiling.

[man] Hey, Audrey. Where's Drew?

He drowned.

Ugh. Do you see?
This has been all night long.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

- You have to move on.
- Yes, I know.

It's just really hard to do that

when he left a box of his shit
in our apartment,

and he won't even text me back
about picking it up.

I know. Oh, can I see your phone?

Yeah.

I just have to Google something.

[Morgan] Whew.

'[$i9hs]
'HS/Ding]

- Who are you texting?
-[mumbles]

Morgan, let me see my phone.
Let me see my phone.

- I'm texting Drew.
- Oh, my God.

I said, "Fuck you, you worthless nutsack.
I'm setting your shit on fire."

- Oh, my God, no.
-[cell phone chimes]

Why the fuck would you write that?

'Cause we're gonna set his shit on fire.

[panting]

[cell phone chimes]

Fuck!

[laughs]

Really, Drew?

Skid marks on your underwear?

What are you, eight?
Did he want me to wash them?

Is that why he broke up with me?
'Cause I didn't mother him enough?

Fuck you. Wipe your own ass.

Okay. Oh, what's this?

Oh. [chuckles]

This is actually a handwritten list

of his favorite breakfast
burrito places in Los Angeles.

Stop. He made notes.

- Yep.
-"Great egg to tortilla ratio."

Fuckin' idiot.

-[Morgan] Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!
- Burn the fire.

Oh, my God! His trophy.

Second place trophy, fantasy football.
And he saved it.

No! It's not even real football.
It's a fucking fantasy!

- Oh, wait.
-[cell phone vibrating]

Oh, my God. It's Drew.

[line ringing]

{Audrey} Hello?
- Hey.

Really? That's it? "Hey"?

Are your ears burning?
'Cause your shit is.

I'm sorry. I fucked up, okay?

Hold on. What?

What do you mean, you fucked up?
Which part'?

I'm gonna come over tomorrow,
and I'm going to explain everything, okay?

Just, please don't do anything
with my stuff.

- I'll be back tomorrow.
-[tires screeching]

[door opens]

Drew?

[line disconnects]

Drew.

[beeps]

[both grunting]

[neck snaps]

[beeping]

[rock music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[sighs]

- Oh. I'm so sorry.
- That's okay.

Happy birthday.

How...

- Yep.
- The... Yeah.

- Uh, it's not my birthday.
- Oh.

I just kinda wear it for warmth.

[chuckles] Well, if it was your birthday,
I would say, um...

"Happy birthday."

- Well, I'd probably say, "Thank you."
- Well...

you're welcome.

Hey.

I got a quarter left.

Your mission,
should you choose to accept it,

is to find the absolute
worst song on the jukebox.

Okay.

[coin clinks]

[sighs]

[man] One gum, please.

[Audrey] Oh.

Yeah.

[beeps]

Um...

$2.25.

[cash register beeping]

[coins clinking]

Have a great day.

Aren't you gonna ask me
if I need help to my car?

[chuckles]

So, um...

Where are you from?

Uh... England.

That's what I thought.

Yeah, but sometimes when I think that
people end up being Australian.

Yeah, but sometimes when I think that
people end up being Australian.

Yeah, but sometimes when I think that
people end up being Australian.

Ah. People do sometimes end up
being Australian.

[laughs] Shut up.

Oh, God. I don't actually mean "shut up."
It's a figure of speech.

I don't know if you do that in England.

What? Figures of speech?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. We invented that.

Right.

[chuckles nervously] You know, some...

Some might say that I'm not
exercising good judgment

following a strange man somewhere.

This is how people get shoved
in the back of sketchy vans, right?

That makes this rather awkward.

Mmm.

Get in the van.

What?

[engine starting]

-[van door slams]
- Oh, my God.

[stammers] Okay, what is happening?

Did I do something wrong? Am I in trouble?

Listen, we just wanna talk
about Drew Thayer.

He's your boyfriend, right?

No. I mean, yes. Well,
he was my boyfriend, but we broke up.

Why? Is he in trouble?

Yes. Drew is in a lot of trouble.
That's why you're in a van.

Do you know where your ex-boyfriend
worked, Miss Stockman?

Uh, yeah. NPR.

He had a podcast. It was about, um...

I'm not 100% sure what it was about,
but like jazz and economics.

[scoffs] Okay, nobody listened
to that podcast.

Not even me, and I went to Harvard.

Wow. Only took you two minutes.

Well, I had to give her that
for context, Seb.

That podcast was Drew's cover job.

Well, Drew never mentioned
having another job.

Listen, Drew was CIA.

I'm sorry. What?

[gasps] Oh, my God.

You were in Vegas when we saw Celine Dion?

Ironically. Oh, my God.

Listen, Drew's gone missing.

A lot of innocent people
are gonna die unless we find him.

Has he been in contact with you?

No.

Are you sure?

Mmm-mmm. No.

[gasps] Oh, unless it was
last Tuesday night,

'cause I dropped my phone in the tub
and it stopped working for a little while.

That's... Yep, that's what happened.

So I went on the Internet,
and I was like, "How do I fix my phone?"

It said to put it in a bag of rice,
so I was like, "I don't have rice."

Okay. You do not wanna lie to us.

Okay. Okay, fine.
Yes, he called me last night.

Well, I guess he called me back. Finally.

I called him, like, a thousand times.

Just this week,
after I stopped hearing from him.

I called him, like,
a normal amount when we were together.

I'm normal.

Okay.

[Morgan] Oh, my God. I love you, Mom.

Morgan. Morgan, I need to talk to you.

Oh, wait. Audreyjust got home.

I need to talk to you.

I need to talk to you.
Viktor is in my room right now.

I don't know who the fuck that is.

Viktor, the guy from the bar last night.

Turns out I left my driver's license.
He sent me a Facebook message.

And then he sent me
two pictures of his dick.

Okay. I don't... I don't really...

I know, I don't wanna reward
that kind of behavior either,

but I needed my driver's license back.
I'm not gonna go to the DMV.

I mean, kill me.

Totally. Can we just...
I just need to tell you something.

But I'm using this opportunity
to teach him about feminism.

There he is. Hey.
You remember Audrey from last night?

Yeah. You know, Audrey,

"There is no limit
to what we women can achieve."

Michelle Obama.

Okay. I take shower.

[Morgan] Okay.

He's doing very well. One second.

Mom, did you get the dick pics
that I forwarded you?

- Morgan.
- What?

Audrey thinks it's weird
that we tell each other everything.

I think it's... I know.
Of course, it's normal.

Yes! That's what I said.
It looks like an unbaked crescent roll.

-[groans]
- No, I know you like them uncut.

Wait, hold on. My mom wants to know

if you've ever been with
an uncircumcised guy'?

Oh, my God. Morgan, I'm begging you.
Get off the fucking phone!

Okay, I love you. I'll talk to you later.

What?

Get this. Two guys show up at my work
from the CIA.

They wanna talk about Drew.

They said he's a spy.

[laughs mockingly]

What do you mean, a spy?

Morgan, I'm serious.

They showed me photos of him
with, like, dead bodies

and, like, weapons and blood.

- Wait, wait. What? What?
- I know.

I know this sounds batshit crazy,
but just think about it, okay?

There were so many unanswered
questions about that guy.

Like if he went to Vassar,
why does he pronounce it "liberry"?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

[exhales] Sorry.

Couldn't remember if you were 3-A or 3-B.

- Hey.
- W hat?

I'm not great on text.
I'm better on email.

You know that. I'm--

Why does it smell like lighter fluid?

Because I wasn't kidding when I told you
I was gonna set your shit on fire.

Look, listen, I get it.

It's a long story.

There was something
that I had to deal with, okay?

I just wasn't in the right headspace.

I know you're a spy.

Yeah.

These guys showed up at my work,
shoved me into a van,

and showed me these horrible photos.

- Where...
-[gun cocking]

- What did you tell 'em?
- What do you mean,

"What did I tell them?"
You're not gonna deny to it?

Or tell me those photos
were photoshopped or anything?

Oh, my God. You have a fucking gun!

I need you to tell me
exactly what you told them.

Wait, is this why you broke up with me?

What's on your forehead?

What?

You have, like,
this little red dot on your forehead.

- Oh, shit!
-[Audrey] Oh, my God!

- Go, go, go!
-[Audrey screaming]

- Stay down!
-[gunshots]

Go! Go!

Stay down! Stay away from the windows!

Dad, I have to call you back.

[Audrey shrieking]

[Audrey] What the fuck is going on?
Morgan!

Wait, you're bleeding.

[groans] Fuck!

Some bad people are after me.

The CIA?

And some other people, too.
And now they're after you.

- It's exactly why I left you.
- Oh, my God.

I didn't want you in danger.

[panting]

It's also why I left you this.

- Your trophy?
- Because I trust you.

A lot of innocent people are gonna die

unless we get this
to where it needs to go, okay?

So what we're gonna do is,
we're gonna leave the apartment.

We're gonna go to Vienna. Okay?

And we're gonna go to Cafe Schiele.

We're gonna meet someone named Verne
at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow.

Wait. Why are you telling me this
if we're doing this together?

In case I don't make it outta here alive.

No, Drew, you're not gonna die.

Listen to me. [shushing]

11:00 a.m. Cafe Schiele. Verne.

- You got it?
- Okay, got it.

And don't trust anybody.

AnybOdy-

[screaming]

[gasps]

Do svidanya, Drew.

[Audrey] Oh, my God!

[yelling]

[Viktor yelps]

Unuds]

-[Morgan whimpering]
-[alarms beeping]

Oh, my God! Drew's dead.

{banging on door]
{man} Open up!

[Morgan] Fire escape! Fire escape.

[man] Open up now!
We got a search warrant!

[grunts]

[agent 1] Hallway clear!

[agent 2] Door right.

[agents] Clear!

Check it!

[gasps]

- Are you okay?
- W hat?

NO! Are you?

- No. Okay.
- Okay.

So, um, where are we going?

I don't know. Where are we gonna be safe'?

Pull into that parking lot.
There's a bathroom in that Pilates Plus.

We are not hiding
in a fucking Pilates Plus.

Where's the police station?

What? No. No police.

No police. We're not doing police
'cause I killed someone.

WON Oh, my Gem.!

[Morgan] Call the CIA guys.

No! Drew said that we can't trust anyone,
and he's right, 'cause he's dead.

Probably because I talked to them.

No, it's 'cause I let the assassin
into the apartment.

Okay, fair enough. It's both our faults.

[ringing]

[Audrey] Shit.

You gonna get the call?

Hello.

[over speaker] Audrey, it's Sebastian.

You killed Drew.

I told you where he was gonna be,
and you fucking killed him!

Sorry, can I ask a question? Who is this?

That's the asshole from the CIA.

[Sebastian] Audrey,
where are you taking it?

Why would I tell you?

Give us the package. Trust me.

I don't trust anyone anymore.

You trust me though, right?

Yes, of course, I trust you.
You don't count.

Good. 'Cause this is not some
fake spy friendship

that the Russians put together.

Dude, shut up. I know.

Okay, Drew said that if
we don't deliver this package,

a lot of people are gonna die.

What if we don't do it and then there's
a terrorist attack or something?

Well, what did he say to do?

We have to get it to a cafe in Vienna.

Austria, Vienna?

Yes. That's what he said.

Okay. Well, why don't we do that then?

Do what? Go to Europe when
a bunch of people are trying to kill us?

Do you wanna die
having never been to Europe?

Or do you wanna go to Europe
and die having been to Europe?

Why are those my only two options?

Okay. This is a sign.

Our passports are still in there
from our road trip to Tijuana.

Okay, someone that you love just died
and asked you to do one last thing.

I think you gotta do it.

I'll go with you.

Okay, fuck it. Let's just...
Let's go to Austria.

Let's go to Austria.

-[Morgan] Why are you turning?
-[Audrey] I have to park.

[Morgan] People are trying to kill us.
We're not fucking parking in Lot C.

[Morgan] We need a suitcase.

I think it looks suspicious
if we go through international security

with no luggage
and just a weird trophy, right?

Wait. Wouldn't it be more suspicious
if we go through security with a suitcase

that's totally empty
except for the weird trophy?

Yes. We need more trophies then.

That's what we'll do.

We'll be the kind of women who jet off
to Vienna with all of our awards.

We're notable. We're recognized.
We have trophies, baby!

"Best Grandson"?

Yes.

Don't be nervous.

People get caught
when they're not confident.

Hello, are you new?
I usually deal with Cesar.

[gasps] Shit.
We gotta get rid of our phones.

Bad guys can track us even if they're off.

Oh, right. I've actually
known that for a long time.

I went to performing arts camp
with Edward Snowden.

Oh, that's right.
You used to date Snowden.

No, no. He tried.

God, he was obsessed with me.

He was really into ska.

When the whole thing was going down,
I was like,

"Why is no one talking about the fact
that Edward Snowden's really into ska?"

- Give me your phone.
- Oh, yeah.

[announcer on PA]
Final call for boarding Flight 232.

Final call for boarding Flight 232.

Bitch!

Oh. [clears throat]

Bitch! [grunting]

- Mambo No. 5?
- Oh, please.

- What?
- Have you heard mambos one through four?

- They're fantastic. Yeah.
- Wow.

That's good. That's good.

Oh, I got one. Close your eyes.

- Close your eyes.
- Okay.

[pressing buttons]

["Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm"
by Crash Test Dummies playing]

Oh. Um...

No. Uh...

♪ Once there was this kid who a'

♪ Got into an accident a'

♪ Couldn't come to school but when... a'

Yeah, that's the worst song.

- You win.
- Right?

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- That's the worst.
- Thank you.

They play this kind of stuff in Europe
all the time.

It's like the whole continent just said,

"You know what? I love 1994.
Let's just stay here."

I wouldn't know.
I've never been to Europe.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh!

[waiter] For our special today,

I would recommend
our meat and bread platter

with a hot pot of fondue.

[Audrey] This is really fancy.

We belong here.

Was this a place that Drew
would hang out at?

I mean, Drew. Like...

The same guy that called
7-Eleven sushi Japanese food.

Okay. Who do we think Verne is?

I don't know.

And won't Verne be looking for Drew?

- Fuck.
- How's he gonna know it's us?

God damn it! What do we do?

[clanging fork on plate]

Oh, no. What's wrong? What do you see?

[gulps] Oh, nothing, nothing.
It's just that, um,

cake's a lot of flour and dairy
for me. I...

I have to have diarrhea.

[stomach rumbling]

_()k8y-
_()k8y-

[exhales]

Morgan, you should...
You should probably go.

I can hold it.

No. Mmm. You should probably not do that.

No. No, this is more important.

No. Oh, my gosh.
It's really not. Please go.

Okay.

Can I bring you anything else?

- Uh, no.
-[speaking German]

{gasps}
- Don't make a noise.

I'm the person you're here to meet.

I'm sorry. Um, you're Verne?

It's an alias. Now, hand the package over.

[stammers] Wait.
None of this is making any sense.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

Don't say a word.

Okay. Oh, my God.

[Speaking German]

I'm trying to protect you.

Yeah. The same way you protected Drew?

If you were here to protect me,
you wouldn't be pointing a gun at me.

I may not be in the CIA,
but I know that much.

MI6, actually. Drew was CIA.

It's an international effort.

Whatever!

[toilet flushing]

You're Verne?

Guten Morgen.

Guten Verne.

Would you please stop pointing that?
It's making me very nervous.

- When I get nervous--
- Sit still and listen.

Okay.

In a moment, everyone in this cafe
is gonna start shooting.

They all want what you've got,

and they'll kill each and every one of us
until they get it.

If you run, you'll be killed.

If you do manage to get out,
you won't be able to go anywhere.

If you scan your passport at the border,

there'll be men with guns
bigger than this one

that won't say a word
before they kill you.

And if you do make it to the airport,
we'll be waiting for you.

So hand the package over,
and no one gets hurt.

Except for Drew.

Okay. It's not productive
to keep bringing that up.

That's not Verne.

The package.

Good.

That's not Verne!

What?

[people screaming]

[Audrey screams]

What?

[gasping]

[grunts]

Oh, my God.

[Yelps]

[man groans]

[gasps]

[Audrey] Morgan!

[grunting]

-[yelling]
-[grunts]

[whimpers]

[bones cracking]

[both gasp]

[all grunting]

[screaming]

Oh, my God.

[screaming]

[Audrey] No!

- No!
- Verne, wait!

[groaning]

[gasps]

Holy shit! Run!

[both screaming]

[both screaming]

[man choking]

[b0dythuds]

[panting]

[glass shattering]

Oh, my God! I killed someone!
I killed someone!

-$T0r> yelling that!
-0h, my God!

Oh, my God! Wait. Shit.

- Get in the fucking car! Get in the car!
- That car? That's not our car!

- Sorry!
- I'm so sorry! I'm sorry.

Hey! Ah!

Okay! Okay, we're set.

- Oh, shit!
- What?

It's a stick.
Do you know how to drive a stick?

No! No! Fuck!

-[Audrey] Which one's the brake?
- I don't know. There are so many.

[Audrey] How do I change the fucking gear?

How does your car work?

I'm so sorry.

- It's an emergency!
- Oh, my God!

- Oh, God!
-[Morgan] Oh!

[both screaming]

[man speaking German]

- Okay. It wasn't so bad.
- Get out! Abort! Mission abort!

Sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Hurry! Hurry!

Hey!

Stop. The cab. Come on.

Hello. Hi, can we go, please?

- Mr. Yang?
{Audrey} Yeah.

Yeah, my mother married a Chinese man.

It's a very long, beautiful story.
They met...

We are Yang. We are Mr. Yang. Yes.

- All right.
-[Morgan] Thank you so much.

[Audrey] Thank you. We gotta go.

[Morgan] And we're on the gas.

$0, you guys visiting?

No, we live here.
I'm an Austrian man named Mr. Yang. Go.

So, I'm Lukas.

How can I make your ride in Vienna
excellent today?

Everything's fine.
Everything's great. Can you just drive?

Oh, no. Fine is not good enough for me.

- Okay.
- I want excellent.

Would you like some waters?
Still? Sparkling?

No, water. Fully hydrated.

Would you like to listen to music?

No. No, no. No music. Just drive, please.

But I'm not only a driver, actually.
I'm also a DJ on Saturday nights.

Oh, get out! Wow, that's cool.

I don't know if you guys are still in town
on Saturday, but look.

- Hip-hop music.
-[hip-hop music playing]

Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump.

Huh? Good, huh?

- Shit!
-[Audrey] Oh, my God!

Okay, listen, buddy. There's
a bunch of men chasing us with guns,

and I need you to lose them now.

Fuck,yeah!

[engine roaring]

Oh, my God!

[tires screeching]

Whoo-hoo!

They're men. Oh, my God!

[Audrey] Oh, my God!

-[screaming]
-[whoopir19]

I smoked so much meth before.

Great! Great!

[people screaming]

[screaming]

Fear is an illusion!

Oh!

High five. Up here.

[groans]

[screaming]

Oh, fuck!

[tires screeching]

[horns honking]

- Get on top of him.
- Okay.

Oh, my God!

[both screaming]

WON Oh, my Gem.!

Oh, my God. There's one left.

I know. I see him.

Okay, why are you using the turn signal?

You're literally telling him
where we're going.

Sorry. It's a force of habit.

- It's a bad habit.
- No! It's a good habit.

In most circumstances,
it is a very good habit!

Oh, my God!

Fuck you!

Eat my shit!

-0h, my God!
{Morgan} Okay.

[Audrey] Get in the front.

Yep. Yeah.

Oh, no!

[tires screeching]

[gasping]

- I can't get my seat belt on!
- Where the fuck is he?

-[machine gun firing]
- Oh, my God!

[screaming]

He's on the fucking roof!

Oh, no! It's the man! Stop it!

WON Oh, my Gem.!

[screaming]

He's on the top! He's on the top!

No!

Okay. There she goes.

[man grunting]

_Why are you speeding up?
-| got a man! '

- Okay.
- Hold on!

-[tires screeching]
-[man screaming]

WON Oh, my Gem.!

[man grunting]

[both screaming]

[horn blares]

- Get the fuck out!
- Okay.

Great job. Five stars, Lukas.

Five stars.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, God! Jesus! What happened?

We gotta go.

- Oh, God!
- We gotta go somewhere.

There's a train station.

[siren blaring]

So you're saying you failed?

No, there were some
unforeseen complications,

but I do have the package.

Let's see it.

[Scoffs]

It appears I don't have it.

[Wendy] So let me get this right.

You didn't get the package.

The girls still have the package.

And now Highland is likely
to get the package.

I won't let that happen, ma'am.

On, well... I'm glad that this happened.

Otherwise, you wouldn't have
been awarded Best Grandson.

[chuckles] Okay. That's funny.

Ma'am? Ma'am, can you hear us?

Ma'am, did you hear us?

- Ma 'am, are you frozen?
- Ma 'am, can you hear us?

- She's frozen.
- Yeah.

[Duffer] Ma'am, wave
if you're not frozen, please.

Not frozen.

Just disappointed.

[stutters]
I was just trying to protect them.

- Protect them?
- Yeah, let them die. They're idiots.

I know an idiot when I see one.

In the mirror.

I'm not an idiot, Sebastian.
For the record--

Here we go. You went to Harvard.
Yes, we all know.

I didn't even mention Harvard.
That's the thing.

He was gonna mention Harvard.

I was making this simply about merit,
and, yeah--

[knocking on door]

Yes. Get in.

Okay, look.
I got us two tickets to Prague.

I got us a change of clothes.

Great. We can change on the train.
It leaves in 10 minutes.

And then we can fly home from there.

We just need to get
the fuck out of Vienna.

Wait, wait, wait. Can we just take
a second to appreciate you?

- Now? Right now?
- Yes.

What you did in the cafe
with the gun was insane.

You killed a man.

- It's okay. It was a bad man.
- Oh, my God.

I just play a lot of video games.
Can we please just...

No, then what you did with the trophies.
You switched the trophies.

He literally works in intelligence,
and yet, you were the more intelligent.

How crazy is that?

And then you did all that car stuff.
Oh, my God.

It all just kinda happened really quickly.
Can we please just move on?

Woman, you are incredible,
and I want you to own it.

Listen, I'm owning it.
Can we just go, please?

- Wait. Wait.
- Oh, my God.

No, I'm not gonna let you minimize this.

- I'm not minimizing!
- But you always do this.

You always do this.

- Oh, my God.
- Have you ever,

in your whole life, felt so alive?

[announcer on PA] Attention,
the train to Prague is now boarding.

We're gonna be a lot less alive

if we don't make it out to the train.
Okay? Please.

Wait, wait, wait. Look at this.

They're really playing up
that Mozart is from here,

and they're really downplaying
that Hitler is from here.

Yeah, I would, too. Get out.

Okay.

[Audrey] What track is it?

Um, looks like track 1O goes to, um...

[mispronouncing] "Szkalas."

[mispronouncing] "Szass... Szabadszallas."

"Nove Hodejovice."

[Audrey] "Usti Nad Labem."

"Parndorf ich Bahnhof. Prague."

"Prague." Track six. Oh, thank God.

- Okay, track six.
- Wait. No, no, no!

Sebastian said if we use our passports
we'll get stopped at the border.

Shit.

What do we do?

Okay. We just have to find
two girls who look like us,

tell them what happened,
and convince them to give us theirs,

and then they could say
that theirs were stolen.

Who would do that?

Any girls. Any girls would do that.

E rm, okay. Okay.

How about them? They kinda look like us.

No, we don't wanna be them in Europe.

We wanna be them in Europe.

We go all the way down there,
and then it ends up being there.

- Yeah, we do.
- Tight shorts.

Just imagine the only guy
you've ever loved

dying in front of you
and asking you to do this one thing.

Wouldn't you sacrifice everything?

And then, imagine if that was
your best friend of 12 years.

Wouldn't you go to the ends
of the Earth to protect her?

Yes.

You guys are weird.

Okay. Actually, we're not "weed."

We are in danger.

You'd be saving our lives
and the lives of a lot of innocent people.

[Audrey] Just go to the embassy
and get other passports.

Sorry. We'd love to help you out, mate,
but we just don't know you, and...

[announcer on PA] Ladies and gentlemen,
the train to Prague is now leaving.

- You're right. Okay.
- You know what?

- Have a great time in Poland.
- It's been beautiful meeting you.

NOW!

- Go! Get it! Shit!
- Stop it!

- No!
-[screams]

"No!
'Stop it!

-' Sot m

Oi! Give me back my bum bag!

Come on! Get in!

Okay- Oh, my God!

- Close.
- Oh, my God! Close.

-[screams] Open the door!
- I'm sorry.

Give me back my fucking bum bag,
you bitch!

[Morgan] Look, your address is on it,

so I can mail it back to you
if we survive.

[upbeat music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[cell phone vibrating]

Hello?

[sighs] Yes. I understand.

[man] Nadedja.

Nadedja. Nadedja, where are you?

Nadedja, you're going to miss
your cue again.

You always do this.

[man speaks German]

I feel like my best friend always knew
that she wanted to be an actress.

- She's just natural at it.
- Mmm.

- I'm not a natural at anything.
-[chuckles]

I tried law school.

Oh, smart.

Then I tried art school.

That's good. Big swing there.

I dropped out of both.

Yeah, I never finish anything.

Well, hey, you just finished your beer.

Yeah, that I do finish.

[laughs]

So why don't you finish things?
What are you afraid of?

Mmm...

Being average.

Come on. I would not say
that you are average.

[Scoffs]

How would you know? You just met me.

I'm a pretty good judge of character.

You trust me.

Thank you for the dance.

Would you like me to get you another beer?

- Yeah. That'd be great.
- Sure.

- Can I get two more, please?
-[bartender] No problem.

Thank you.

Cool, cool, cool.
Okay, so here's my advice, right?

- Who are you?
- Oh, that's my sister.

Really?

Not my biological sister,
but my de facto sister.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

She wouldn't want you to know this,
but she lost her virginity really late,

so she's, like, hungry for it.
You know what I mean?

- Oh. Cool.
-[clicks tongue]

So have fun with that.

But if you hurt her,

- I'll find your best friend...
- Mmm-hmm.

-...I'll cut off his dick...
- Mmm-hmm.

...and I'll make you eat it.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

You can have whatever condiments you like,
but you gotta finish it.

What's your name?

- Morgan. How you doing?
- Morgan. Drew.

Morgan, anyone ever tell you
you're a little much?

[Audrey] Why didn't you tell me
that he said that?

You were so into him,

and you can't say shit like
that to your best friend

when your best friend's
in love with somebody.

It didn't hurt my feelings.

Well, a little bit.
It hurt my feelings a little bit.

Morgan. Hey.

I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry he died.

Oh, God.

[Morgan] What do we do with this thing?

[Audrey] I don't know.

I don't even know what this thing is
or what it does, or anything.

God, I feel like such an idiot
about all this.

I mean, I met his parents.

They were so normal.

Their names are Tom and Marsha.

The night before he disappeared,
we all went to The Cheesecake Factory.

Oh, my God, that menu.

Dostoevsky wrote that menu.

Who introduces people that
don't matter to their parents?

Well, I do. I introduce
everyone to my parents.

But that's their gain,
'cause my parents are magic.

- Do you think they knew?
- I don't know.

I just wish that he was still alive,
so I could get some answers.

And then I would tell him to fucking die.

[trophy clatters]

[rattling]

Open it.

Fuck.

There.

[stammers] What the fuck is that?

[Audrey] It's a flash drive.

[Morgan] They were
killing each other for this?

[both] on, my God.

You know who would know
what we should do right now?

- No.
- My father is a brilliant attorney...

- No. Mmm-mmm.
-...who has represented people

who are in much worse trouble
than we are right now.

No. Your dad would be furious at us
for breaking a million international laws.

No. He's not gonna be mad.

He wasn't mad when I tried cocaine
with my basketball coach.

He wasn't mad at me when
I got deported from Belize.

He didn't get mad when I
invited that teenage magician

to live in my grandma's condo.

Oh, yeah. What ever happened to him?

You're not gonna believe this.
He disappeared.

[clicks tongue] Shut up.

No, he actually... He is a missing person.

[both laughing]

[Czech song playing]

[horn blaring]

-[Carol] Hello?
- Mom, it's me.

- Oh, thank God. Arnie, she's okay!
-[Arnie] What?

[Carol] I'm gonna
conference your father in.

- This is Arnie.
-[Morgan] Hi, Dad.

Hey, button! Hi!

Honey, you're all over the papers.

I'm so proud of you.

I always knew the world
would write about you.

Did you color your hair?
You look like a princess.

Sweetie, let me ask you.
Did you and Audrey murder two people?

Tell me the truth.
I can get you out of it.

No, what happened was,
I murdered one person,

but it was an assassin, so...

- Shh.
- So it didn't count.

No, it doesn't count.

And Audrey murdered
a bunch of people in Austria.

- Oh, my God.
- But it was self-defense.

Also fine.

Her boyfriend was murdered in front of us.

- The handsome one?
- I mean, he was fine, I guess.

Oh, you know who's really
handsome is Patrick Dempsey.

- Where are you now, sweetie?
-[Morgan] I'm in Prague.

I don't care for Eastern Europe.
Too gothic.

[Arnie] Okay, listen.
I got a place where you can hide.

- Okay.
- I got a friend, Roger Bernstein.

Lives in Prague. Guy owes me a favor.

Dad represented Roger
in a malpractice suit.

[Arnie] Whoa, Carol,
you know who's handsome?

Woody Harrelson.
You know, people don't think it.

I find him handsome.

-[tourist 1] She fell over.
-[tourist 2] Yeah, I did, actually.

There was one moment
I thought I was gonna die.

Yeah. They've got something
wrong with them.

Morgan...

[indistinct chatter on TV]

[newsreader speaking Czech]

Now. Now. We gotta go.

-[Carol] Remember the Dingle twins?
- Mom ...

We gotta go. Come on. Come on. Now!

[computer beeping]

[engine revving]

[bell tolling]

Who am I looking for?

[man in distorted voice]
I texted pictures.

Targets are two dumb American women.

[both jeering]

[retching]

[both whooping]

[bicycle bells ringing]

[Audrey] Oh, my God!

[grunting] Oh!

You're lagging. You're lagging.

Shit. Okay.
We need to find Karlova Street.

Ooof!

Looks like Elephant Valley is on the left.

We're gonna pass the Pavilion
of Big Tortoises in a second.

Morgan, this is a map of the zoo.

Okay.

[buzzing insistently]

-[intercom beeps]
-[Roger] Hello?

Yes, Roger, it's Arnie's daughter.
He called.

[door buzzing]

Go. Thank you!

[Roger] You know, it's funny.

I remember one time, back in the day,

your dad and I were getting
ready to go out in the Hamptons.

Your dad had his sunglasses on.

He turned his collar up. He looked super.

We get to the disco, the guy says to him,
"Sir, sir, your collar is up."

[chuckles] Ruined the whole effect.

[both chuckle]

Hope you don't think
I'm being presumptuous,

but I thought you gals looked
like you'd enjoy some pot...

roast.

[all laughing]

I'm okay. I'm actually...
I'm so sorry. I am a vegan.

Oh.

Morgan, you're not a vegan.

What? 'Cause of the bacon?

Bacon's meat.

Well, listen. At least let me
get you a little vino, okay?

I mean, the only animal cruelty involved
in that is what the wine guy charges me.

[Morgan laughs]

I actually like to keep
all the best bottles

over there in the study. It's like a...

It's sort of like my homage
to all the great storytellers.

- Yeah.
- Mmm-hmm.

Right now, I'm working my way
through a grenache noir

while I enjoy a first edition
of La Comédie humaine.

- Oh.
- Are you into Balzac?

Less and less with every experience.

Well, I'll be right back.

Okay.

It's happening again.

What is?

- He's into me.
-[laughs]

What are you talking about?

He wants a slice. Rog.

No, he's just, you know,
like a little weird.

Older men, they gravitate toward me.

- Okay. Oh, God.
- They love me.

- They want this.
-[laughs]

- If that makes them weird...
- Yeah.

...then my SAT math tutor was weird,
our landlord is weird.

- He's weird.
- Mandy Patinkin is weird.

Mmm. I feel a little nauseated.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

I'm okay. You just stay.
I'll be right back.

Love you.

[door opens]

Hi. Audrey okay?

Oh, yeah, she's fine.
She's finished. So am I.

Well, at least let me give you a digestif.

[both toasting in French]

Ah! It's dry.

So are you a lover of art?

Yeah, yeah, oh, lot of art. Love art.

And look at that art.

Doesn't look like she's
enjoying herself too much.

Sometimes the sweetest pleasure comes
when you're not enjoying yourself.

Don't know that I agree with that.

You wouldn't?

Okay. We're doing a massage now.

Here we go.

[vomiting]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

[gasping]

[retching]

Roger, thank you so much
for having us at your home.

It's my great pleasure.

But I just... I don't think...
I don't think so.

That actually kind... That kind of hurts.

Huh. Hello.

Who's this? I'm Morgan.

- I'm a family friend.
-[gun cocks]

- Is this your girlfriend?
-[screams]

Nadedja, no.
We have to bring them in alive.

[muffled]

[grunting]

[muffled] Weird.

[Morgan groaning]

Ow. Ow.

-[Morgan] Audrey.
- Oh, my God.

Audrey, Roger is bad. Bad.

No, that's not Roger.

That's Roger.

Ah!

They want the drive.

You have to swallow it
before they come back.

- What?
- I have thrown up, like, nine times.

- What?
- I can't do it.

Well, I can't swallow anything.

I can't even swallow Advil.

I have to crush it up in my applesauce.

No. You gotta swallow this.

No, I... Oh!

Fine. Okay. If you really want me to.

[Audrey] Oh, my God, you're heavy.
[grunts]

- Shut the fuck up, bitch.
- Okay.

Yeah. Ah! Ah!

Okay.

Close your nose.

[gagging]

[Audrey] Shit. Shit.

Let's try it one more time.

[both] Ah. Ooh. Ah!

Whoa.

- No, keep it in.
-[gagging]

[coughing]

- I can't.
-[thuds]

Shit.

[Morgan] I can't do it.

I tried.

Uh-oh.

[Morgan] There's the ice cream lady.

[Morgan] Audrey.

- Hmm.
- Audrey.

Are you okay?

Oh, God.

Oh, God. I don't... I don't know.

Where the fuck are we?

I don't know.

Audrey, how are you feelin'?

Marsha, Tom. Those are...
Those are Drew's parents.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry that
you got dragged into this.

I never meant for Drew to die.

We know you didn't, Audrey.

We're just glad you're alive.

Will you untie us before they come back
and tie you up too? Please.

So where's the drive?

Oh.

You know about that?

-[groans]
- Shut up, you dumb bitch.

Fuck you.

You wanna tell your friend
to answer the question?

Trust me, your son would've
wanted you to protect us.

[M0rgan] Audrey...

I don't think those are Drew's parents.

Of course they are.

- No.
- We went out to The Cheesecake Factory.

We shared chicken lettuce cups.

We were at that restaurant
to negotiate the sale of the drive.

But we talked about real things.
We talked about Tom's colonoscopy.

Not getting a colonoscopy.

He only took you to the restaurant
as insurance,

so we wouldn't kill him
if he left with the drive.

Okay, let's get this done.

Where is the fucking drive?

[Morgan] No. No.

[crying] Please, sir. Sir, please don't.

That's my best friend. Please, just...

I flushed it down the toilet.

[sighs]

Do you know what you've done?

Nadedja.

[exhales]

Oh, good God.

-[whimpering]
-[helicopter approaching]

[speaking Russian]

What is that?

[speaking Russian]

[agent on radio] Five kilometers out.
Closing in on the safe house.

Backup units, be advised,
subjects heavily armed.

Wow! You're so pretty.

You're barely human, you're so pretty.

And look how flexible you are.

Morgan, shut up.

No, everybody likes compliments.

[Audrey] She's definitely
not loving this, Morgan.

[Morgan whispers]
She loves it. It's working.

[in normal voice]
You just... You are so...

You're so bad. [chuckles]

Oh! Hey. Hey, are you hungry? I'm hungry.

You wanna get outta here
and get a bite to eat?

I like you. [groans]

-[groaning]
-0h, my God!

[tires screeching]

Shit! They got the drive.

Fuck.

All right, kids, on my count,
send the grenades in.

- Let's blow this motherfucker up.
- Wait! The girls could still be in there.

Yeah, and if they are, they're either
surrounded by terrorists or dead.

Also, I don't care.

Just give me five minutes
and three agents. I need to check.

Oh, so four agents can die?

You know this is my operation, right?

So just sit tight,
and let's crush this mother

the way we crushed Yale at football
nine years in a row.

And by "we," I mean Harvard.
Let's blow 'em up.

-[agent] Roger that.
- Watch the show.

[groans]

[clears throat] Uh...

[imitates duffer] Actually, guys, hold up.
Abort mission.

-[agent] Copy that.
- Go Crimson.

[horn honks]

I ask question.
If I don't like answer, you feel pain.

Same as her.

It looks worse than it is.

I have freakishly strong teeth.

I had braces for nine years.
My orthodontist published a paper.

Where is drive?

I already told you.
I flushed it down the toilet.

You lie.

No, I don't. I don't lie. No, no, no, no.

[groans] Oh, my God!

Argh.

Please, I'm begging you. Please.
Please, do me a favor

and eat my tit, bitch.

And please, please. Please, just please

go fuck yourself.

'Cause I'd love it
if you would please just go fuck yourself.

[groans]

["Winds of Change" by Scorpions playing]

[indistinct chatter]

Trust me that I'm a terrible,
terrible liar.

Everybody knows when I'm lying.
[stammers] I can't lie.

Me, too. I've never kept
a secret in my life.

Secrets are poison.

Maybe you keep secret for her.

No, I'll tell you anything
that you wanna know about her.

'Cause I know it all.

She texts and drives.
She does it all the time.

She lnstagrams on the freeway.
She hashtags it "driving."

What are you doing?

I'm proving to her
that we don't keep secrets.

Just tell her something about me.

Okay, okay. Um,

Morgan stole her dad's pain pills
after his surgery

and sold them at Coachella.

I did.

Audrey was once babysitting
this eight-year-old kid

and she flirted with him
to get him to go to sleep.

His name was Liam.

She has sex dreams about Minions.

[sighs] Just the one Minion
with the one eye.

Is that supposed to be a dick?

[Morgan] She googled it on my computer,
and now I get a lot of weird ads.

[Audrey] I said I was sorry.

Audrey shaves between her boobs.

Uh, Morgan kissed her cousin.

I didn't know it was my cousin.

Morgan has HPV.

Audrey has HPV.

[Audrey] Morgan had sex
in a playground once.

Audrey hit a dog in the face.

Morgan had lice as an adult.

Audrey can't come
'cause she's on antidepressants.

I can! It just takes me a very long time.

Oh, look.

[Morgan] Hey, hey

- It's working. It's working.
-[Audrey] Yeah.

What else do you wanna know?
We'll tell you anything.

How you know so much about her?

And she about you?

Uh, she's my best friend.
We know everything about each other.

You have a best friend, right?

- Of course she has a best friend.
- Yeah.

Look at her. You're so charming,
and you have so many good hobbies.

-[Audrey] Hobbies.
-[Morgan] You do...

- You do have a best friend.
-[Audrey] Yeah.

[Morgan] She does have a best friend.

[both] Tell us about your best friend.

- Who is she?
- What's her name? What does she look like?

Bobik.

-[Audrey] Bobik?
-[Morgan] Bobik.

- Oh.
- Tell us about her.

Tell us everything about her.

[Nadedja] Bobik.

-[Morgan] It's a balance beam.
-[Audrey] Oh.

It's a fucking balance beam.

Oh, God, no.

Your balance beam's
your best fucking friend?

What? Ah, no, no.

[muffled groaning]

[screaming]

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. [grunts]

You fucking dick, Henshaw! [grunts]

Fuck.

Okay. Light it up.

[agent] Copy. Sending in the grenades.

[inhales deeply]

-[grunts]
-[screams]

[indistinct chatter]

- What?
- Oh, my God.

[Morgan and Audrey yelping]

Who's that?

[grunting]

[screams]

[Morgan] Oh, my God!

'Yes!
- Om

[groans]

[glass shattering]

Sebastian!

- Hello.
- Oh, my God.

[both yelping]

- Stay close.
- Thank you so much.

Oh, my God.

[Yelping]

[yelling]

[grunting]

Oh, my God!

[grunting]

[all coughing]

Okay, I trust you now.

Jesus, I should hope so.

[agent] Show me your hands.
Show me your hands.

What?

Get in the fucking car.

Us?

[Morgan sighs]

I thought that
the international intelligence office

would be fancier.

It's a temporary space.

We don't wanna
call attention to ourselves.

I know, but can you hang a poster?
Can we get a drape? Something?

This is what our tax dollars
are paying for?

You haven't paid
your taxes for three years.

You know that?

Hey, look, Sebastian, I'm really sorry
I didn't give you the drive at that cafe.

Nah. No, I understand.

Drew told you to keep it safe.

Can you at least tell us
what's on that drive?

All we know is, it was made
by an international terrorist group

named Highland.

Intelligence tells us
they're planning a series of attacks.

If we had it, we'd know how to stop them.

Henshaw, my office.

[gasps]

What? Wait, wait.

This is your boss? You're the boss?

We have a real-life
Judi Dench in our midst.

You are the boss,

and yet you have not sacrificed
one ounce of femininity.

Why have we been spending
all of this time talking to the men,

when this being has been floating
through the halls of the building?

Oh, my God.

That's a compliment.

That is the Beyoncé of the government.

Duffer, stay here.

I have so much respect for you that it has
circled around into objectification.

Ma'am!

I'm sorry, ma'am. I know I overstepped.

[Wendy] Overstepped? No.

I'd say what you did
was closer to treason.

Treason? I was merely trying to help.

How long did your doctor say
that your arm would take to heal?

Um, three months for the bullet wound,
one for the sprain.

Fantastic.

Take four months' leave.

Oh, no. I assume he meant
the two would heal simultaneously.

I know what I said.

Please take me through this.

What exactly was going through your mind
when you flushed it down the toilet?

Were you thinking, "Oh, I know.

People are dying because of this.
So here's what I'll do.

I'll treat it like a piece of shit,
wrapped up in toilet paper,

and then flush it down the toilet"?

[chuckles]

Oh, this is funny? Death is funny to you?

No, I'm sorry.

But that's how you go to the bathroom?

Oh, great. Okay. Awesome.
Great. You two laugh.

Meanwhile, let me tell you
how many people have died

and will die because of your stupidity.

And will die because of your stupidity.

And will die because of your stupidity.

[both snickering]

I'm sorry. Just let me get this straight.

So you wrap your hands in toilet paper,
and then you poop into that,

and then that whole contraption
is what you drop into the toilet?

That was just a metaphor.

You know that the toilet is designed
to take the work out of it for you, right?

No, that's not what I was saying.
I was say... I didn't say that.

I poop normally. Like everybody else.

Of course, yes. I know. I'm sorry. Okay.

Hey, uh, I wanna say goodbye.

[stammers] Where are you going?

[sighs] I've been suspended.

You two are to go back to Los Angeles.

- W hat?
- W hat?

Duffer, transport these women
to de Gaulle.

Ma'am. Ma'am? Ma'am?

Please don't send us home.

Spying, not easy. We know that now.

But we have been a real help
to this operation,

and I know the drive is gone,
but we are in this, boss.

And if you would just give us a chance,

I think that we could be
a major resource for you.

Would you consider keeping us on

in this intelligence bureau?

Please.

Ma'am.

Okay.

All right.

I am going to take a chance on you two.

-[chuckling] Really?
- Hmm.

I could really use you.

- What?
- Hmm.

Are you serious?

No.

Their flight leaves in four hours.

Hey, Morgan, I think
that we should probably just head out.

The fact that we even survived
this is just dumb luck.

I really just wanna go home.

What? Why would you wanna go home
in the middle of all this?

We're a part of this.

Come on, this isn't...
This isn't who we are.

Okay? We've done enough.

Can we please just go home?

I'm done.

- Morgan, now.
- Okay. Yes. Yes.

-[Duffer] That's a great idea.
- Okay.

Hey, Seb, why don't you drop 'em off
at the airport on your way home?

It'll prepare you for your next career,
being a SuperShuttle driver.

[indistinct chatter]

Out of curiosity,

if we still had the drive,
what would've happened?

Hypothetically?

Yeah.

Uh, I'd figure out how to de-encrypt it,

then see what Highland's plans are
and stop them.

How do you de-encrypt something like that?

Why do you wanna know all this?

Because the drive is in my vagina.

- W hat?
- W hat?

I mean, look, everybody kept saying
that it was so important,

and I wasn't gonna flush
something that important down the toilet.

- Why didn't you just give it to Duffer?
-'Cause he's an asshole.

Wait, so when you said
you wanted to go home...

Yes, it was because
I had the flash drive in my vagina.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- I know!
- Does it hurt? Does it not hurt?

You get used to it.

Wait, so you were lying to that bitch
when she was torturing us?

- Yeah.
- And you lied to me?

You broke our sacred bond of trust.

I know, Morgan. I'm so sorry.

But it's okay, 'cause it was amazing!

I, um... Well, I don't mean to be
impolite about this but...

Do you think you could
access it from the...

place that...

- Oh, yeah.
- In the...

- What? Here?
- Just don't look here.

Oh.

This is good. You should get it out.

'Cause the ultimate irony would be
if you saved the world,

and then died of toxic shock syndrome.

♪ She'll be coming round the mountain
When she comes s'

♪ She'll be coming round the mountain
When she comes s'

- ♪ She'll be coming round-- ♪
- Okay.

Oh, there it is.

Oh.

Do you wanna just... Should I put it...

- No. I'll, uh...
- Like, a tissue?

No, no, no. I'll take it. I'll take it.

[chuckles]

So are you gonna use that
to get your job back?

People at my job
just tried to kill all of us,

so, to be honest,
I'm not sure who to trust anymore.

But thank you.

For trusting me.

Now, will you trust us?

TO help you?

I mean, you're injured,
so I feel like you kind of need us.

I mean, we're naturals. We're operatives.

We're semi-professionals at this point.
Professional. We are professional.

[laughs]

[gasping]

[tires screeching]

[Audrey] So, um...

Morgan, your idea of blending in
is that outfit?

Yeah.

Do I not look just like a French woman?

I look like a French woman.

You look like a French curtain.

Yeah, 'cause I can hang.

- Mmm. Mmm.
-[Morgan] Mmm?

Something really weird on this drive.

[Audrey] Oh, I'm sorry.

Not all of us
are perfectly waxed porn stars down there.

Some of us have stuff.

Oh, no, I meant the information on it.
It's State Department encryption.

Oh.

Right.

Figures.

What do you mean?

Meaning Highland didn't make it.
Your government did.

I can't access it. I don't have clearance.

What do you mean? You're a spy.
Can't you just hack it?

Well, they change
the password every 24 hours.

Even if I had a supercomputer,
it'd take days.

So what are you saying?

[sighs] I'm saying we can't get
onto the flash drive.

What?

There's gotta be something else we can do.

Not unless you have access to an expert
in US Intelligence computer security.

One minute.

[Morgan] Um...

[speaking French]

[Morgan] Mmm-hmm.

[in English] That's all I remember
from high school French.

Um, shit. What were the lines I had
in that French student film?

Um... [sighs]

[speaking French]

Oh, God.

No?

I need to borrow this for one minute.

I will be there.

[speaking French]

[Scoffs]

[man] Uh-huh. Hmm.

[cell phone vibrating]

This is Edward.

Eddie. Eddie Snowden.

It's Morgan from Buck's Rock Camp.

Oh, my God.

Morgan. Um...

Wow, it's been forever. I, uh...

I sent you a bunch of emails
over the years.

You did? Shoot!

Well, that's upsetting.
I don't know where they went.

I thought that you might not
have your AOL account anymore.

Oh, yeah. I switched to Gmail in '04.

Oh. Actually, I knew that.

Right. I guess you would. [chuckles]

So I've been following the news.

Oh, my God. Eddie.

You have to understand,
we didn't kill anybody.

On purpose.

Of course. It's called a frame job.

They do that. [chuckles]

Uh... Tell me what you need, Morgan.
I'm here for you.

Are you near a computer?

Always.

[Morgan] A capital H. Add sign.
Lowercase U.

Lowercase J.

Percentage sign. [laughs]

- Yes, percentage.
-[Morgan] Uppercase Y.

-[beeping]
-[Audrey gasps]

Oh, my God. That's right.

Okay. SQ?

What are Highland's plans?

These aren't Highland's plans.

This drive is a back door
to the entire Internet.

Finances, emails. Everyone's secrets.

We need to get out of here now.

Oh. We gotta go.

- Uh-huh.
-[Audrey] Morgan.

You call me if you're ever in LA now.

LA's gonna be hard.

[cell phone vibrating]

[speaking Russian]

[man in modulated voice]
I need to add another target.

- Double rate.
- No.

You already failed twice.
The girls are still alive.

You already failed twice.
The girls are still alive.

You already failed twice.
The girls are still alive.

Highland is very upset.

[line disconnects]

[man] Well, hello, beautiful.

Baby...

What happened to your face?

[groans]

What happened to yours?

[Audrey] Where we goin', chief?

[Sebastian] Amsterdam.
We'll be safe there.

Can I help you?

Thank you.

Nice boobs.

Thanks.

[Sebastian] Remember,
the best place to hide

is somewhere full of suspicious people.

[Morgan] Oh, my God,
is this what crack smells like?

[Sebastian] Is this the couple
you saw at the gymnasium?

Ivan and Raisa Petrenko.

Heads of the Highland crime syndicate.

- Out of Moscow.
- Oh.

Oligarchs, arms dealers, blackmailers,
and former gymnastic coaches.

And this is their trained assassin
and former student.

- Not a fan.
-[TV playing]

You guys. Audrey, come here.
It's us. We're on the news.

Thought to be part of
a bigger terrorist plot...

-[Morgan] We're on TV.
{gasps}

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- It's happening.

...the women were allegedly involved
in the murder of a local ophthalmologist,

which may have had a sexual motive.

Sexual motive? Yeah. He wishes.

The FBI has released transcripts
of Facebook messages between the suspects.

Oh, shit, Morgan. It's our chats.

"I just wish he would die.
Is that too much to ask?"

[sighs]

"Just for someone to expletive murder
him," said Audrey Stockman

Oh, my God.

Then, "Do you want me to murder him?
I totally will.

That's what friends are for.

Music note emoji. Music note emoji."
Replied Morgan Freeman.

[newsreader] Authorities are...

Your name is Morgan Freeman.

I just put that together.

Yeah. I can always get
a reservation wherever I want.

Honestly, I just don't believe
that Audrey would ever do this.

[Audrey] Oh.

- She's just not that kind of person.
- Wow, okay.

You know. She's not that sophisticated.

I mean, she's 30 years old,

and she doesn't even have
a bed frame, so...

[TV turns off]

-[sighs]
- Box spring counts. A box spring counts.

-[Audrey groans]
- We've talked about this.

[both gasp]

Americans? [chuckles]

-[music playing]
-[indistinct cheering]

[Audrey] Hey.

Hi.

I hope you're not upset about
what that girl said on the news.

Oh, well, I'm not that surprised.

It's not like I've done
anything that impressive with my life.

I've seen you do some impressive things.

[Scoffs]

You were a great shot in the cafe.
You switched the trophies on me.

You didn't break
when you were being tortured.

Plus you had the foresight
to stick that thing up your...

[stammers] ...thing.

[chuckles]

You know, I'm impressed with you, too.

You risked your whole life for me.
Not many people would have done that.

Including... [clicks tongue]
...my ex-boyfriend.

Yeah, about that, I... [sighs]

I wanna clear something up.

You weren't just a cover for Drew.
That much I know.

H OW?

I was there the night you two met.
At your birthday.

What? At the bar'?

Outside, in the surveillance van.

Drew was in the bar to take out a target.

- Wait, who?
- The bartender.

He was a recruiter for ISIS.

Craft bourbon cocktail
with tobacco bitters

Craft bourbon cocktail
with tobacco bitters

Craft bourbon cocktail
with tobacco bitters

and rhubarb zest.

Can you identify him as the target?

- Oops, I'm sorry.
- Oh, sorry.

[Drew] Happy birthday.

No. Do not get distracted.

- Yeah.
- It's not my birthday.

- Oh.
- I, um... [clicks tongue]

I just kind of wear it for warmth.

-[Drew] Well, if it was your birthday...
-[chuckles] She's funny.

I would say "Happy birthday."

Thayer, get away from her now.

In our line of work, being with someone...

caring about them...

it makes our job harder.

So if Drew was trying with you, then...

That was real.

And not that you asked my opinion,

but the worst song on that jukebox
is "Your Body ls a Wonderland."

No question.

Oh, my God. What?

What? No way! Absolutely not. No.

[laughing]

Um, I lost my virginity to that song.

- W hat?
-[both chuckle]

To who? The cheesiest person in the world?

Oh!

Oh, hey, GUYS-

Uh, rookworst, am I right?

[man groaning]

[man defecating]

[laughs] It always works.
It's actually kind of funny.

[muffled] Audrey!

[Audrey] Oh, my God. Morgan.

She talks too much.

Duffer.

[both grunting]

Jesus!

Oh, my God! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Move! Move!

[groans]

Hands up.

-[Audrey] Okay.
- That's both hands, cripple.

[groans]

[Duffer] Come on, Seb. Higher.

[panting]

Just because I can.

What's this about, Duffer? Revenge?

I was suspended. You won.

Come on, man. I know I won.

I'm just here for this.

Of course,
now I have a few loose ends to tie up.

-[muffled shouting]
- Hey! Hey!

Okay!
He has nothing to do with this, okay?

I promise you this is just Morgan and me.

So, why don't you go back to the CIA,
and tell them that?

[Duffer] Jesus.

You don't know that I'm the bad guy?

What?

He's not here on CIA business.

He's working for Highland now.

You have no idea
how much the Chinese mafia's

willing to pay for this.

Or the Russian mafia.
Multiple mafias want this.

And, on that note,
I'll finish you all off and be on my way.

As much fun as it's been
watching you fucktards

may Tinker Tailor Stoner Spy.

[muffled grunt]

[gasps] Okay, I got it.

That's a joke, Audrey.

It's funny, because I'm funny.
You know what? It doesn't matter.

Because there's one thing
that's mightier than the pen,

and it's called a fucking handgun!

- Oh, my God.
- So, for heckling me, Audrey...

Oh, my God. Please don't do this.
Please don't do this.

Duffer, don't do this.

- You die first.
-[Sebastian] Duffer!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

[screaming]

[neck snaps]

Oh.

This man, he want to rob from us, right?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally.
- Yes. Absolutely.

[Morgan muffled] Oh, my God.
Really, it's scary.

Yes.

[Audrey] How did he find us?

[Sebastian] I don't know.
We took every precaution.

We only used cash.

No phones.

Morgan.

Hmm?

Did you call your parents again?

Yes. I had to.

My father was gonna think that I was dead
if he found out about Roger.

So I went to a souvenir shop,
I got a burner phone.

I picked it up. One second,
"Hi, I'm alive."

And then I threw it in the dumpster.

They can't trace a call
if it's less than two minutes.

- Yeah, that's not a thing anymore.
- That's not a thing!

Well, I know that now.

- Ugh“.
-[cell phone vibrates]

[gasps] Oh, my God.
He's coming back to life.

He's reanimating.

Okay, it's a phone. That makes more sense.

It needs a thumbprint.

- There's the thumb.
- Seriously?

I'm standing, so I can't do it.

Oh, my God.

[Audrey] Ugh.

It says,
"Text me when you get the package."

Um... Tell him we have the package,
and ask where the drop is.

Oh, shit. It's locked again. Hold on.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, oh.
He said, "Bring it to Operation Albrecht."

- Okay.
- What's Operation Albrecht?

I'm checking his emails.

Ah.

He's been communicating
with someone named Hunter Pierce.

So a gay porn star.

-[Audrey chuckles]
- Uh...

Highland was planning
to buy the drive from Duffer.

They called it Operation Albrecht.

It's going down tomorrow night.

There's a gala in Berlin
at the Museum of Technology.

Text him back and say
we'll meet them there with the drive.

The phone is locked again.
I need the thumbprint.

You know what? Forget it.

[Audrey inhales sharply]

Okay.

- Oh, the thumb. Yes.
- Audrey...

-[Morgan gagging]
- Oh, my God.

[gags]

-[Audrey grunts]
-[bone snaps]

Thumbs up.

- Go.
-[grunts]

[Sebastian] So here's the plan.
We go to Berlin.

[classical music playing]

[Audrey] Wait, we're gonna
walk right into this gala?

[Sebastian] No. We pose
as two people on the guest list.

The Canadian Ambassador and his wife.

[Audrey] Uh, won't people know
what they look like?

[Sebastian chuckles] No. No one
ever remembers what Canadians look like.

They land at Tegel Airport at 2:00 p.m.

[Morgan] Can I do an accent?

-[Sebastian] Please don't.
-[Morgan] I know what I'm gonna do.

[in Cockney accent]
Hiya! ls you the Mullicays?

Perfect. I'm Bill.

I know what you're thinking.

How'd a bloke from the East End
get all the way to Berlin, Germany?

Well, I will tell you
on the way to the car.

I said, "What are you doing here, Queen?"

She said, "I was bored up in that castle.
I had to get out."

Okay, let's drive then.

[thudding]

No! We're being robbed.

- No! Not again.
-[both screaming]

- Sorry.
-[Morgan] Please, no.

I've a little girl at home.

- Okay. We gotta go.
- Me wife is dead.

- Go. Get out. They're asleep.
- She needs a new kidney.

- Morgan, no, let's just...
-[in normal voice] I came up with a story.

[car lock beeps]

[train horn honking]

[indistinct chattering]

[Audrey] I hope I look like
the Canadian ambassador's wife.

I hope I look like Chris Kirkpatrick
from NSYNC.

- Am I done?
-[Morgan] Yeah. You're good.

I just think if one of us is
changing her look,

then the other should change her look
for disguise reasons.

Like, you're about to look
like Amanda Mullicay.

And I'm about to look like...

Shit. I'm about to look like you.

Not that it's a bad look.
It's just we switched places,

so if they're looking
for a blonde and a brunette,

then we're still gonna be
a blonde and a brunette.

Oh, we fucked up.

I hope this isn't
what gets us killed tonight.

No. Hey, we're not gonna die tonight.

You're right, we're not.
But if we do... Just...

We're not, but if we do...

Oh, my God.

I know a lot of horrific stuff
has happened this week,

but, um...

It has been the best week of my life.

Really?

Yeah, just being out here, like,
on this adventure, with you,

doing the right thing,
and nobody's judging me...

I don't know.

Do you normally feel judged?

You know that thing that Drew said to me
about me being a little much?

It's not the first time I've heard that.

You're not "a little much."

I am. I am "a little much."
I'm a lot much.

No, you're not.

The only people who don't think so
are you and my parents.

That's 'cause everyone else is boring.

[sniffles] Sorry.

I'm so proud of you.

Honey, I'm proud of you.

[both sniffling]

Oh, my God.

-[Morgan] So, don't...
-[Audrey] Don't die, okay?

[Morgan] Please don't die,
because then I would die,

and then we would both be dead,
and that would be a waste.

Morgan. Are you in position?

Yeah, I was born in position.

Yes, everyone's born in position.

That's why they call it
the fetal position.

- Right. Yeah, I just got that.
-[chuckles]

- Amanda.
- Ethan.

Just act natural.
Just another normal night.

Yeah.

[Morgan] Performing with Cirque du So/ei/
is actually a top three dream of mine.

I'm highly prepared for this mission.

I was a CIT in Acrobatics
and Clowning at camp.

It was competitive and I excelled.

Once again, Morgan,
you're not performing with the troupe.

Your job is to stay backstage
and watch the surveillance.

We need to locate the buyer.

Okay. But... But...

Not just for one song?

-[Sebastian] No.
- I hear you.

But wouldn't I be better able
to identify the mark

if I was spinning around on
that silver spinning thingy?

-[Sebastian] No.
- Copy that.

But what if I was on the trapeze?
In which I am trained.

- No.
- Affirmative.

Mongoose standing down.

[grunts]

[audience cheering]

[performers] Hey!

[audience cheering]

[Morgan] You guys, you guys,
I see someone suspicious.

Okay. Stay calm.

- Can you describe them?
- Okay.

He's got an insane twirly mustache.

He's got the big bushy scary eyebrows.

And... [scoffs]

Yep. Yep. He's holding a bag of money.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our buyer.

Yeah, I think that guy's part of the show.

Yeah, Morgan,
I don't think an actual bad guy

would look like an evil Mr. Monopoly.

[Morgan] I don't know.

I gotta go with my gut on this. I'm sorry.

[music playing]

Oh.

[all cheering]

And I was mistaken.
He is a part of the show.

I repeat, he is a part of the show.

-[performer] Oh!
-[all laughing]

[audience cheering]

{gasps}
- W hat?

That's Tom and Marsha.

Drew's fake parents. Or whoever they are.

[indistinct chatter]

Morgan, get backstage. I've been blown.

[Morgan giggles]

Who has blown you?

Morgan, it's not funny.

I agree. There's nothing funny
about you being blown.

[giggling]

Okay. You two, stay together
and in plain sight until I get back.

You, uh...
You put the drive somewhere safe?

Very safe.

Is it the same place as last time?

You'll see.

I don't actually mean, like, you will see.

- Please just go.
- Yeah.

Okay.

[audience applauding]

[Speaking German]

[in English] No smoking, sir.

Oh. I'm sorry. Awful habit, I know.

- You want one?
- I don't smoke, sir.

Yeah, neither do I.

[groaning]

[groans]

[cell phone vibrating]

[Audrey] Sebastian...

Sebastian, you got a text.

Sebastian, is everything okay?

Morgan, Sebastian's not responding.

[Morgan] Oh, my God. That's really bad.

Or not. I don't wanna scare you.
Could mean anything.

The buyer texted me.
I have to go meet him.

- Or her.
- Thank you. I was gonna say,

women can be terrorists, too.

We can do anything we put our minds to.

Can you see if you can
get eyes on Sebastian?

He couldn't have gotten far.

Okay.

Yeah. In that case,
I am gonna climb the ladder. I know...

[Static]

Morgan?

...trapeze platform really
is the best vantage point.

Morgan?

[sighs] Oh, my God.

'[9Un cocks]
{gasps}

Audrey. Oh, my God.

What the fuck?

Okay.

Okay.

[audience cheering]

Audrey, the goldfinch has reached
her very precarious perch.

I think I'm about, I don't know,
2,000 feet off the ground.

Huh.

No.

[Morgan gasps]

Okay. I'm gonna go. Wait.

What? Excuse me.

Give me the ladder.

Fuck me.

[chuckles nervously]

- Drew, you're supposed to be dead.
- Dead. Yeah.

I was right on the edge.

But the idea of you being out there
kept me alive.

I'm here to save you.

- Me?
- And to stop Henshaw.

What? Sebastian? No, he's helping us.

Audrey, do you know about Highland?

Yeah.

Sebastian works for Highland.

No. That's not possible.
Why would he come and risk his life?

Why would he get fired?

What did he tell you? Did he tell you
you're here to find a buyer for the drive?

You're just here so he can kill me.

He was using you as bait to find me.

He knew that I'd come back for you.

That I'd never let him hurt you.

And now, here I am.

Yeah.

Audrey, I have some bad news.

Nadedja is still alive,

and she is on the other trapeze platform
right now.

She might have a bomb on her.
I don't know.

Maybe this is one
of the terrorist attacks.

That doesn't really make any sense.
She doesn't seem like a suicide bomber.

That girl has high self-esteem.
She's so full of herself.

The point is, Audrey, I'm looking at her,
and she definitely does wanna kill me.

And then she's gonna come after you.

[audience cheering]

So I think I gotta fix this.

[excited chattering]

-[neck cracks]
-[Morgan] I can do this.

Remember your training
from the New Jersey Circus Center.

[Nadedja yelling]

[both grunting]

[yelling]

[audience gasping]

[both grunting]

[audience gasping]

[screaming]

[both grunting]

[audience cheering]

Could I just ask you something?

Anything-

Did you leave that drive in my apartment

because you thought
that I would never leave?

That I wouldn't grow?
That I wouldn't go anywhere?

Did you send me to Vienna because you just
assumed that I wouldn't question anything?

No. No. No, no. I mean...

I underestimated you.

You hurt me.

I'm so sorry.

I had to.

But now, seeing everything
that you've done,

I've never loved you more.

Do you love me?

I love you, Audrey Stockman.

[both grunting]

Looks very real to me.

[audience exclaiming]

What was the name of the nun that beat you
in whatever fucking orphanage...

_ yo "h/Slls] U gr .
ew up In, you skank?

Ow. Ow.

[audience gasping]

[grunts]

-[shudders]
-[audience exclaiming]

[choking]

[grunts]

[audience exclaiming]

[Morgan choking]

[both grunting]

[laughing]

[audience gasps]

[people screaming]

[panting]

[audience cheering]

[panting]

Audrey. Audrey, I did it.

We're safe.

Audrey?

Audrey?

Shit!

Your boss give you any new spy gadgets?

Uh, no.

[Drew] Canadian now?

- Eh! [laughs]
- Eh! Good.

Oh, um... I wouldn't open that.

Is that gonna blow my head off'?

[Audrey] Hmm?

Thousand guesses,
never would've landed on "thumb."

[chuckles]

Anything else, Double O Sexy?

The drive isn't in there.

[laughs]

Oh, come on.

Hey.

You can trust me.

Really?

'Cause you said not to trust anyone.

-[Tom] Stand back.
-[Marsha] Go on. Move it.

Sebasfian?

- Audrey.
- Audrey, step back. He's with them.

- Thayer?
- Hey, bro.

Audrey, step away from him.

He's gonna kill all of us.

He said the same thing about you.

Hello.

Thayer, remove the target.

Fuck you, Dad.

{groans}
{Audrey gasps]

[Marsha groans]

Mom.

[groans]

Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait!

Wait! Hold on. Hold on.

Audrey, listen to me.
Drew is working with Highland.

Sebastian was working with Highland.

[Sebastian] That's a lie.

Audrey, he was working with Duffer, too.

Sebastian was working with Duffer.

[Sebastian] Drew's the one
that sent the assassin to the gymnasium.

He would've let you die.

[Drew] Sebastian sent the assassin
to the gymnasium.

Sebastian would've let you die.

Okay, everything I say you did
you can't just say I did.

I can 'cause I've got the gun.

[groans]

[exhales]

You Okay?

I'm so scared.

It's all right. It's okay. Shh...

[panting]

I'm so sorry I dragged you into this.

-[Audrey] It's okay. It's okay.
-[Drew] I know.

Can we please just go home?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I'm gonna take care of you.

You looking for this?

Uh, Audrey, that's...

That's cute, but I don't think
you know what you're doing.

God, you really do still underestimate me.

Audrey, come on.

Audrey...

[both grunting]

Get off me! No!

Oh, my God!

Oh, Morgan. Always so dramatic.

[laughs]

[grunts]

[Drew] Fuck.

Oh, God!

[yelling]

Argh!

[grunts]

You better hurry.

Finish me off.

Oh, that's right.

You never finish anything.

-[indistinct shouting]
-[banging on door]

To quote a text I got,

"Hey there. It's over. Sorry."

Audrey... Audrey, don't.

[gun clicks]

I lied.

[indistinct shouting]

[door opens]

[Speaking German]

[officer in English] Drew Thayer,
don't move. You're under arrest.

[dispatcher on radio]
We have apprehended Drew Thayer.

It's a little much, don't you think?

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

- I'm okay. Are you okay?
-[Audrey] Yeah.

[grunting]

Sebasfian?

[panting]

[Audrey gasps]

What the fuck?

Okay, these vests, they save your life,

but they do not prevent you
from breaking ribs.

[Morgan] You're alive.

-[Morgan kissing]
-[Sebastian groaning]

Oh, you're alive.

[police radio chatter]

[clinks mug]

What is the Heimlich maneuver?

[woman on TV]
What is the Heim/ich maneuver?

-[Alex Trebek] That's it.
-[woman] Instruments for eight.

-[cell phone ringing]
- This long, powerful horn...

That's a long number.

- Oh.
- Hello.

- Mom, I'm alive.
-[Carol] Honey, are you okay?

- Let me turn this down.
- Yeah, I'm gonna put you on speaker.

-[both] Hold on.
-[Arnie] Let me turn the volume down.

- Put in... Do... Um...
-[Arnie] Trying to lower the volume,

-sweetie, and I can't.
-[Carol] Input.

Input? I don't see input.

Sorry, I'm calling
from an international spy's phone.

Spy. Who's a spy?

Yeah, input's doing nothing.

He's an international spy,
and his name is Sebastian Henshaw.

-[chuckles]
-[Morgan] He works for MI6.

Morgan...

Can she not reveal my identity?

Uh, yeah, she tells them everything.

[Morgan] Hold on. I have a call waiting.

I love you.

Sebastian Henshaw's phone.
This is Morgan speaking.

[Wendy] Where's Henshaw?

Oh, my God. Is this who I think it is?

How could I possibly know
who you think this is?

[Morgan] Oh, my God. It is you. Wow.

I'm letting Audrey and Sebastian
have a little bit of a moment right now.

You know what I mean?

- Tell him to call me back.
- No, no. It's okay.

I think I've proven myself
a trustworthy junior agent.

Why don't you give me the message, yeah?

_()k8y-
_()k8y-

You may tell him this,

that he can come back
to the office on Monday.

Really? Oh, my gosh! That's the best.

- Thank you.
- He's gonna be so happy.

Thank you so much.

Mon... Oh! Monday is tough for me, though.

- Hey, okay.
- No, no, no.

I have a callback
for a Progresso commercial.

But you know what? Fuck it.

- I'm gonna cancel it.
- I'm not talking about you, Morgan.

- Do not show up on Monday.
- Okay.

I won't come in on Monday.
Gosh, I wouldn't dream of it. [chuckles]

Great. Thank you.

No, but I will. I'll see you Monday.

What do you like in your coffee?

So when people ask you
about your first trip to Europe...

I'm gonna have to tell them the truth.

[chuckles] It definitely wasn't boring.

No.

But I didn't get to do
everything that I wanted to do.

Oh, yeah? What did you forget?

- No. [groans] No, no.
{gasps}

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
I thought that you and I maybe...

- No. Actually it was...
- I'm sorry.

- I was going for the...
- I mean, it was

-the physical pain of my chest.
- Okay, then suck it up.

[footsteps approaching]

Hey.

All for this happening. Love this.

I'm sorry to interrupt.
I just talked to the MI6 lady,

and she said that you would know
what to do with the drive?

I have it this time.

You told us to keep it somewhere safe.

Right. So I finally swallowed it.

Big personal victory of mine.

Well, we need to destroy it.

Yeah. As soon as she clears.

You know what I mean?

[laughs]

I, um... I should speak to my boss.

Yep. Bye now.

Ahhh!

-[laughs]
-[Morgan vocalizing]

What? Okay! Okay!

Yes, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!

[meowing]

[club music playing]

[imitates trumpet playing]

[Morgan] Happy birthday!

[speaking Japanese]

Okay. Blow, baby, blow.

[laughs]

Well, I hope your wish
was to be entertained.

[guns cocking]

Whoa. Guys, guys, guys.
It's just a microphone.

Although, fair warning.

You may be blown away.
Two, three, four, hit it.

Audrey, it's so good to be here with you
in Tokyo,

my steamy little eda-mommy.

I have loved you since the udon of time.

It's Japanese food puns.
That's the entertainment.

I'm going to sashimi
over here to these very handsome ramen.

Do you like my food puns?

Or do you think they're teri-yucky?

Audrey, I love you so much.

Happy birthday, baby.

-["Happy Birthday" playing]
{Audrey} Morgan!

[clicks tongue] You shouldn't have.

- And yet I did.
- Oh.

-[gun cocks]
- Okay, Morgan. It's time.

Shumai, my, my! Look at you. [chuckles]

Let's do a little call-and-response
for Audrey's birthday, shall we?

When I say "happy,"
you say "birthday." Happy...

Happy- --

[Sebastian] Audrey,

happy birthday.

[people gasping]

["Bad Girls" by Pussy Riot playing]

I have known Audrey for maybe 15 years,

and, in that time,
she has stayed exactly the same.

She has not changed one bit,
and so, I think,

I kind of know her
like the back of my hand,

and she's a very simple person.

And she just doesn't really have
the mental capacity

to carry out something like this,
I don't think.

She's a dear friend.

- Yeah.
- They said something about, like...

They were doing this
for a guy or something.

Oh, yeah. Like someone died
in front of them or something.

Like, one of their boyfriends
or something.

I don't know. It was for love.
I don't know.

Looking in the mirror and seeing the face
of somebody who was friends with her

has been really tough.

And I think we all have to remember
the real victims in situations like this

are the friends.

Are the childhood friends
who were there from day one.

Who have to carry this burden.

And will have to carry--
[voice breaking] Sorry.

And will have to carry this burden
for a long time to come.

[interviewer] If you could
speak to them right now,

what would you say to them?

Oh! Give 'em a piece of my mind.

I want my bum bag back.

Give me my bum bag back for starters.

My passport, my money.

- Yeah.
- My lip gloss, my keys, my phone.

- Everything.
- They just took everything.

I...

I don't think that Audrey did do this,
but, Audrey, if you did do this,

I forgive you.

[interviewer] If anyone else back in
Australia is watching you right now,

what do you wanna say to them?

- We're having such a good time!
- Such a good time!

Hi! [chuckles] We're on TV!