The Spy Next Door (2010) - full transcript

Mom! Jethro's eating my underwear!

Here, piggy, piggy, piggy. Jethro.

Mom, before she starts,
there isn't a shred of evidence

-to support her allegations.
-Gillian, your son is a psycho.

-He booby-trapped my hair dryer.
-Nice hypothesis, but you can't prove it.

-Yeah, but l can hurt you.
-Mom! Mom! She needs to be medicated.

-Come on, Jethro.
-Come here.

l hate this family. Come here.

Jethro, you're getting a time out.

Come on, guys. Backpack.

-What? lt's in style.
-lt's inappropriate. Go put on some jeans.



And spit out the gum.

So, what color do you want to wear today?

Red? Blue? Purple?

Pink, Momma, pink.

-Farren.
-What? You said jeans.

l meant in your size.

Come on, guys. Come on.
We don't want to be late. There you go.

Come on, sweetie.

-No!
-Get out!

No fighting.

Allow me.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-Are we still on for dinner?
-l'll be there.

We have an audience.



-Yuck. l'm going to vomit.
-He is such a loser.

l like Bob. He's nice.

He's a boring pen importer.
He does the same routine every day.

-He's like a robot.
-That's 'cause he is a robot.

A cyborg, sent from the future,
to destroy humanity. Starting with us.

Well, it's been three months.
Happy anniversary.

What is it?

l have to tell you about my job.

This might shock you,

but you should know everything
before this relationship goes further.

-Don't, Bob.
-What?

l'm very happy when l'm with you.

No one has ever made me laugh like you do,

and if l were a single woman,
l could see a real future for us.

But l'm a package deal.

What do you mean?

My kids are my priority and.. .
How can l put this gently?

-They hate me.
-Yeah.

-l can make them like me.
-See?

You can't make kids like you,
not mine or anyone's.

My kids have been through a lot, and.. .

l don't think we should take the next step
until they warm up to you.

Doesn't your happiness count?

Excuse me.

Sorry, l gotta go. Emergency at work.

-No ink?
-lt's much bigger.

Sorry, really.
l will explain everything tomorrow.

Okay. l'll see you tomorrow.

-What took you so long to get here?
-Six minutes.

-You stop for a latte?
-l get it. You're.. .

-What's the expression? Chopping my bust.
-Close enough.

Poldark and a couple other Russkys
just went in the refinery.

Then l was right. He's planning something.

Maybe they just want to fill up
their gas tanks for free.

-l couldn't blame them.
-No, that man's so crooked,

he could eat nails and poop corkscrews.

You're the world's foremost authority
on Poldark.

What do you think he's up to?

lf his mission is to sabotage
the world's oil reserves,

why would he care about
some two-bit refinery like this one?

l'll make sure you get a chance to ask him.

How the heck are you going to get in there?
A jet pack?

lt's in the shop.

Wait for my signal.

Yuri.

-What's this?
-C-4.

When we are done here, l want you
to blow this place to smithereens.

Hurry up. l don't have all day.
There is no overtime here.

Bob Ho.

l would love to chat, but l gotta go.

-Up there. Go, go, go, go.
-Move it.

-Move.
-Hold it. Stay where you are.

That was fun. A good aerobic workout.

We should do this again sometime.

Okay, Poldark, let's go.

We have suspect in custody.

Did you see the look
on Poldark's face, man?

Brilliant work, Bob. Unbelievable.

l really hate to see you go home.
You're the best agent l've ever had.

Hey, you know l'm standing right here.

Maybe l can get your government
to loan you to me just a little bit longer.

No. This was my last assignment.
l'm retiring.

-Don't tell me because of Gillian.
-l want a normal life. l want to get married.

Oh, heck, man. Don't get married.

Just find some woman
that you're going to hate in five years

and give her your house.

Keep the watch.
A memento, compliments of the ClA.

So, Gillian? ls that the woman
that lives next door to your cover house?

-Yeah, they've been stepping out.
-l could never give up this life for a woman.

We're spies, man.

Every little boy wants to be a spy.
lt's the life.

All the hours you spend
sitting alone in a little room like this,

eating cold take-out food
in the back of a surveillance van,

getting shot at all the time,

learning how to pee in a bottle
in a moving vehicle.

-You're doing the right thing.
-Only problem is that her kids hate me.

You the man.

Really gonna miss you, Ho.
Good luck with those kids.

l've brought down dictators.
How tough can three kids be?

-Come on, Ringo, come on.
-Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

-Ringo!
-Don't worry. Come on. Come on.

-Come on. Right here.
-Come on, Ringo.

-Come on, Ringo.
-Ringo.

Hi, kids.

l'm sorry about running out last night.

-lt's all right. lt's your job.
-No, it was rude.

l promise it will never happen again.

Mom, what about Ringo?

We've tried everything, sweetheart.
He'll come down when he's ready.

You want to see
what l've been working on?

Sure.

Ringo, Ringo! Come on, kitty.
lt's not that far.

Please, please, please, Ringo.

There you go.

-So, what do you think?
-Well.. .

lt's a work-in-progress.

Sadly, l didn't have any time
to work on it today.

Cat was on the roof,
satellite's broken again.

l spent two hours on hold
trying to get a repairman out here,

and l can't stop thinking about last night.

So, are we okay?

l understand.

lf a man marries you,
he marries all four of you.

Don't forget the pig, the cat and the turtle.

So, do you really like it?

lt frightens me.

Sometimes l think l found
the last honest man left in the world.

l brought you all cookies.

-Yes?
-ls it true? You're going to marry Bob?

-What? Whoa! Calm down.
-You can't do this, Gillian.

You're, like, so far above him.

What she means is he's boring. He's a geek.

He's a very nice man
who treats me very well.

-He's a pen importer.
-He's a cyborg.

You all don't know him like l do.

He's very passionate about the world
and about my art.

He likes to talk about history,
science and politics.

l see what you mean about
him not being boring.

What you all call boring, l call dependable.

For once, l'd like a man who goes to work
every day at the same time,

and who comes home every single night.

A man who doesn't lie, or cheat,
or leave his family the first time some.. .

My happiness counts, too.

l hate it when old people have feelings.

We gotta deep-six Bob.

-What's the story here?
-They hit Poldark's prison transport caravan

-at the edge of town.
-Tell me he didn't get away.

He's as gone as rum cake at an AA meeting.

l'm telling you,
this whole thing was a setup.

They knew he was coming.

Are you saying
there's a mole in the agency?

l'm not saying anything except he got away.

Welcome back.

Tatiana,
you can't imagine what it's like in there.

The oppressive darkness and the torture
of empty days stretching for years.

-Prison is hell.
-You were in there for four hours.

Enough tearful reunion.

l need a new batch of the formula
as soon as possible.

We'll run another test in two days.

l need a change of clothes.
Something current and fashionable.

And something to eat
that does not come with a toy.

The Sea Hag's made Olive into a zombie.

Honey, we're getting ready
to carve pumpkins downstairs.

-You want to join us?
-Absolutely!

'Cause l'm a loser and l have no life.

Did l mention we're going
to toast the pumpkin seeds?

Come on. l want you to join the family.

And l want some privacy.

-Don't get fresh with me.
-l'll use whatever tone of voice

-l want to use with you.
-Farren, l want you downstairs.. .

No, l'm not going to come downstairs
right now. Get out.

Farren, this is my house.
You will listen to me.

You don't own me. Get out.
l said, get out, Gillian. Get out!

Downstairs in five minutes.

l hate this house. l hate this family. Get out!

Me spinach!

No, she won't hear me. l'm on the roof.

lt's like the only place
l can get any privacy in this loony bin.

l can't let Gillian marry this guy.

No, it's not that.
l mean, you're right, he is a total drone,

but that's not the issue.

What's going to happen
when my dad comes back?

He won't just leave me here alone.
He'll be back.

And if she's married, what happens then?
l don't know.

Mom, lan's feeding Jethro bacon.

-Okay, that's just wrong.
-Why is it wrong?

-Ho, Bob Ho.
-Hey. So, how's it going with those kids?

l'm taking Gillian and the children
on a picnic.

l'm going to force those kids to like me.

Force them? You know, you might as well
try scratching your ear with your elbow.

Guess what? Poldark escaped.

-No longer my problem.
-Yeah, l know, but we recovered a file.

lt seems to be an entry portal to a website.

We can't crack it.
l thought maybe you could take a look at it.

Hey, if you can figure it out, great.
lf you can't, no harm, no foul.

As a favor to you.
Send it to my home computer.

Already did.

While l'm thinking about it, they suspect
there may be a mole at the agency.

-They suspect me?
-No.

You know Glaze thinks
you're the sharpest barb on the wire.

l have no idea what that means.

Hey, listen, man, have fun on your picnic.

Just shoot me back
when you check out that file. Thanks.

Puzzle encryption.
Let's see what you've got.

-ls it noon already?
-No. l have bad news.

-My father is in the hospital.
-That's terrible.

He plays senior softball
and he slid into third.

-Now he's having his hip replaced.
-That's terrible.

l have to leave the kids
and fly to Denver to take care of Dad.

-That's great.
-What are you talking about?

Let me watch the kids.

lt would give us a chance
to get to know each other.

No, Bob. You? Them? l don't know.

My aunt's flying in from San Antonio.
She's very good with the kids.

-She was in the military.
-Gillian, this could be just what we need.

You really think you can handle
that kind of pressure?

The driving, the schoolwork,
and then there's Halloween.

Getting their costumes,
finishing decorating the house?

No problem. Halloween is my favorite.

You have nothing to worry about.
They will be perfectly safe with me.

lt's not them l'm worried about.

-You can't be serious.
-lsn't there any other option?

Foster care? Juvenile hall?

Okay. You'll be fine.

Love you guys.

-l'm going to miss you.
-Yeah, as proven by this total abandonment.

You'll survive. l'll buy you something
from the hospital gift shop.

-Bye.
-Bye. Love you.

-See you later.
-Bye.

So, is this exciting, or what?

Well, l'll just pack a few things,
and we'll go to your house, okay?

A Flowbee. l knew he cut his own hair.

Nothing telling in his DVD collection.

Standard action movies,
mainstream comedies,

no sci-fi, and nothing above PG-13.

Hey, his computer. Let's check it out.

Good idea.
There's got to be some dirt on there.

Fashion Armageddon.

l haven't forgotten, Colton.
l will look at the file.

But this is important. What is Halloween?

Farren, do you realize what this is?

lt's got you all worked up.
Let me guess, a Klingon dictionary?

You have me confused
with an entirely different class of geek.

Stockholm GBH.

Grievous Bodily Harm, live in Stockholm.

This is one of the rarest bootleg concerts
in the world.

-Why does Bob have it?
-Who cares? l'm gonna download it.

This is my ticket to Coolsville.

This is what you bring me to wear?

You said you wanted current.

l look like the Fresh Prince of Belarus.

Send someone out
to get me something elegant.

What is this program you found?

l went on to download the formula

and found the site being accessed
by a third party.

lf the United States or China
has the formula,

they can develop an antibody for it.

l'm tracing the lSP,
but it's heavily encrypted.

lt will take me a while to track it down.

Find whoever downloaded my formula.

-Retrieve it.
-And?

-Kill them.
-Thank you.

-What's up with you?
-l'm gonna kill you.

What? l'm gonna kill you.

Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!
She's hurting me!

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, stop!

-What's going on here?
-She threw a stink bomb in my room.

What? That's so not true.

So what, you're saying l threw
a stink bomb in my own room

just to get you in trouble? Sad. So sad.

Hey, hey, hey.

Farren, l'm very disappointed in you.

You two should be in bed by now.

Well, if we finish our homework in time,
Gillian lets us stay up till midnight.

She also likes us to watch Adult Swim.
lt's kind of a tradition.

l didn't really think this one through.

Nora, let's get ready for bed.

l don't want to go to bed.

Only my mommy can dress me.

Nora.

Here l come.

Hey! Come back. l'll get you.

Come back!

l got you. No, come back!

Nora.

Come on. Nora.

-Only my mommy can dress me.
-Come on, Nora.

Only my mommy can dress me!

Only mommy can dress me!

You.

Can your mommy do that? Sleep.

Get out!

-Hello?
-You're alive. That's a good sign.

-How are the kids?
-We had a great night. Easy as pie.

Really? You're with my kids, right?

Bob, the other night at dinner,

you were gonna say something
about your job, and l cut you off.

You want to tell me now?

lt can wait until you get back.

-l really think this was a good idea.
-l'm sure the worst is behind us.

Just a second.

l got it.

Fire!

Big mistake.

Everything will be fine. Oatmeal's ready.

-Shotgun.
-lt's not your day.

You sure your mother
lets you go to school like that?

Duh, Bob.

''Duh, Bob.' '

-Bye.
-Well, you guys have a nice day.

-Hi.
-That is so cute.

So what do you do all day?

Nothing. l'm four.

-You're full of it.
-Yeah, full of it.

l'm telling you, l downloaded it yesterday.

Really? 'Cause if you really had,
that'd be pretty cool.

-Yeah, pretty cool.
-Let's hear it then.

You trying to pop our ears?
That's nothing but a bunch of static.

-l don't get it.
-l get it.

You're a pathetic little nerd and a liar.
Let's get him.

Wedgie!

Put me down! Put me down!
Put me down! Put me down!

Okay, you asked for it.

No! You guys are gonna hear from me
and my lawyer.

You'll pay for this,
each and every one of you.

So, tell me more about Halloween.

lt's the best. You get candy.

Everyone pretends to be someone else,
and nobody knows who you really are.

Sounds familiar. Nora.. .

So, what do you want to be?
A Frankenstein? A zombie?

Sweetie, do you want to be a princess?

Yes.

Okay, princess.

Nora?

Not fairy. Princess. Princess.

Princess.

Pink.

Pink.

-Princess.
-lt's too big.

Too big? Okay.

Nora? Nora.

Nora.

Nora.

Nora.

Nora!

Nora. l'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Nora!

Nora. Please don't wander off again.

l'm sorry, Bob.

Let's go pay for your costume.

Yo, it's Ho.

Just hold him till l get there.

Can l just say before we begin that
only in the current distressed condition

of the American public school system

could l be deposited headfirst
into a garbage can,

and yet l'm the one who winds up
receiving disciplinary action?

Who exactly are you?

l'm his mother's.. .

-Neighbor.
-Neighbor.

l'm watching them for a few days.

Well, this is not the first time
lan has been in trouble.

He gets in fights. He lies.

Hey, l don't lie.

You told everyone you invited
Selena Gomez to the spring dance.

Her appearance fee was an obstacle.

You said you spent New Year's Eve
at the Playboy Mansion.

Hey, pay-per-view high-def.
l felt like l was there.

l'm telling you, lying is a dangerous game.

Bob, you sell pens. What do you.. .

-Oh, no. That's them.
-Who?

The future felons who
put me in the trash can.

Hey, geek-boy,
we got detention because of you.

-Yeah, because of you.
-You're gonna pay for that.

-Gentlemen, we don't want trouble.
-Who's this? Your mom?

You wish. He's my bodyguard.
l hired him. You better watch out.

-That true?
-No. He's joking.

-l'm their babysitter.
-What are you gonna do?

Ask you politely to allow us to pass.

How humiliating.
Why didn't you do something?

Why did you tell them
l was your bodyguard?

You're right.
l guess it was too big a stretch.

Hey. How you doing? l'm lan.

lf l told you, you had a beautiful body,
would you hold it against me?

-At least you're not shy.
-l wanted to talk to her in the worst way.

Mission accomplished.

Come here.

You look so pretty.

Farren, l didn't know you did gymnastics.

Why would you?
You don't know anything about me.

You come over to hang out with Gillian,
and you never even talk to us.

Come on, let's go.

The woman's got a point.

l don't know who you are sending out
to buy my clothes, but l want them killed.

-You could go yourself.
-l'm the most wanted man in America.

l cannot exactly browse
the racks of JCPenneys.

Just give me something that will blend in.
Something extremely American.

Sir, we are ready to run the test.

Magnificent.

She must have plastic in her shoes.
lt will eat any petroleum product.

We're working on that.

What happened to the bacteria?

They live as long as they feed.
Once the oil is gone, they disappear.

Just like my Jimmy Choos.

Come in.

Listen, about today.. .

You could have stood up for me, you know.
l have to face those guys.

So face them.

Unless you want
to spend the rest of your life

with your head in the trash can.

Thanks for the advice, Bob.
All my problems are solved.

They assign this in middle school?

No, that's my pleasure reading.

You're smart.

You have a lot going for you.
Why do you make things up?

Girls aren't exactly
impressed by astrophysics.

Given the resources,
l could design, build and launch a rocket

that would accurately circumscribe
an orbit of the moon.

But other guys can, you know,
throw a ball through a hoop.

l don't want you to get in trouble.

l'll make you a deal.

lf you try to tell the truth from now on,

l won't tell your mother about today.

Really?

Dude, that's almost cool.

You mean for a guy who sells pens?

Come on, kids, time for bed.

Come on, one more spoonful.

Nora.

This one l learned it in China
when l was young.

lt's me. l need your help.

l had to make up
one heck of a yarn to get all this stuff.

What did you tell them?

Well, let's just say if l don't find some
weapons-grade uranium by dawn,

l'm in trouble.
What do you need all this for?

To get the kids ready for school.

Well, it's like my mom always used to say
when she was stationed over in East Berlin.

She'd say, ''Spying is easy.
Parenting is hard.' ' Good luck.

Bring it on.

Farren, you've been in there all morning!
Let me in!

Farren, let me in.

Farren, let me in.

Farren, you've been in there all morning!
Let me in!

Farren.

Hey!

l guess it's my turn.

And, Farren, please put on a longer skirt.

This means war.

Nora?

Nora.

Stay with Bob.

Come on, Nora.

-Where is he?
-Hiding.

He's probably going to trick us
into opening the door.

Help me put this away?

lan. You know the rules.

No soda upstairs.

What? How did you.. .

Breakfast is served.

Wow!

Nora, time for bed.

Night-night.

lt's a school night. You should be asleep.

How'd you find me?

Call it a hunch.

Why do you call your mother
Gillian instead of Mom?

She's not my mom.

What do you mean?

My father was married before,

and my real mom died when l was little.

Gillian is just my stepmother.

And lan and Nora
are just my half brother and sister.

l'm like the freak of the family.

lt must have hurt your feelings when he left.

He'll be back for me.

l know he's not
the greatest dad in the world,

but he loves me,
and he's not going to leave me here alone.

Anyway,

you should not climb the roof like this.
lt's not safe.

Please don't tell me l can't come up here.

lt's like the only place l can chill.

Actually, l was going to
offer to build you a railing.

Are you trying to bribe me into liking you?

l just want you to be safe.

Mind if l chill with you?

lt's a free country.

Look at the star.

Good news. We got an address.

Good. Take some men.
Get that download back.

Tatiana.

No survivors.

Hey, boss. You like?

No like?

May l make a couple
of fashion suggestions?

Women don't like the shirt tucked in.
Mess up your hair.

-You know about fashion?
-No, but l know women.

Wear it like this.
lt's cool, l saw it in a movie.

What movie? Octopussy? This isn't 1985.

-l almost forgot.
-What's this?

-lggy Pop and David Bowie in Shanghai.
-What?

This is only about the hardest concert
to find in the world.

l guarantee no one else
in the school district has it.

-You downloaded this for me?
-Don't worry, l paid for it.

-How'd you even know about it?
-Easy. l was there.

Bob, you're getting too efficient.
We're half an hour early.

You're welcome.

Have a great day.

-Hey, cool look, Aaron.
-Thanks. lt's lan.

Whatever.

Have a great day.

Look, the talk on the roof the other night
doesn't mean we're friends.

God forbid.

We're here. There is nobody around.

l found the computer, but the file was
downloaded to an external storage device.

l can't find that.

l think l just figured out who lives here.

Agent Ho.

-Hello.
-You must stop shooting things, Antosha.

l said it would be bad
if the ClA or Chinese had it.

But he's both. Find him, but keep him alive.

l need to know who else he's shown this to.

Listen up. Now. Everyone in here.

We must locate Chinese lntelligence agent,
Bob Ho.

He is very tricky. The best at what he does.
He won't be easy to find.

-Ms. Creel.
-Not now.

lmagine you are Chinese, highly trained,
and you want to disappear.

l see him climbing with
a bunch of skulls on a rope.

Okay, he's not Conan the Barbarian.
Good try, though.

No, l see him. There.

Go. Go!

Don't kill him yet. We need information.

Go, Bob, go! Go, Bob, go! Go, Bob, go!

Come here, sweetheart. Get back here.

Come here!

Let go!

-Get the bad lady, Bob.
-Let go!

-Can you hold my turtle?
-Not now.

Yay, Bob!

That's it.

You will pay for that,

-little American princess.
-Bob, help!

Again, again, again.

Okay.

-Why did you pull us out of school?
-Who cares? We're out.

Why are you in the front seat anyway?
lt's my day.

-No, it isn't. lt's my day.
-No, it's not your day. You're the liar.

-No, today is my day.
-No, today is my day.

-You're a liar.
-No. No. No.

-All right, quiet!
-l'm still hungry.

lt doesn't look like
they have chicken tenders here.

Wait inside. l have to make a call.

-This is Firefly.
-This is Bob Ho. l need help.

Yeah, so l get pretty good grades
at this university.

l'm top of the class.
l don't like to brag, but, you know.

-Bob, this is Larry.
-Pleased to meet you, sir.

-Let's get some food.
-He goes to the university.

He's a poet. lsn't it cool?

lt's rad. lt's awesome. lt's jiggy for shizzy.
lt's the bomb.

-Let's go.
-Hey!

How embarrassing.

You know, most people don't like me
when they first meet me.

But Larry did.

l have two words for you, Larry. Thirteen.

l have to go.

All right, Nora. Come on.
You two stay at the table.

No, no, no.

l can't go in there.

Boys are pigs.

Careful.

And the lion jumped on me,
and l killed him with my bare hands,

and l saved the colonel's life.

-You're brave.
-Thanks.

How about this, Bob? The whole restaurant
and the waitress sat Larry here.

-lsn't it great?
-lt's like it's fate or something.

Really, sir, we're just goofing around.

-Hey, Nora. Knock, knock.
-Who's there?

-lrish stew.
-lrish stew who?

lrish stew in the name of the law.

Larry was telling me all about
the university. lt sounds great.

-l'd be glad to give you a tour sometime.
-When pigs fly.

lt's not up to you. You're not my dad.

No, but l know that your mother
hasn't completely lost her mind.

lt's just a tour, Bob.

lt's not like he's asking me out on a date
or anything.

Are you?

No, it's just a friendly offer.

Even if it was a date,
you still couldn't stop me.

-What's your major, Larry?
-English Lit.

Would you pass the soy sauce?

That way l get a background in the classics.

-You speak Russian, Larry?
-What's going on?

-This is going to be painful.
-You're right about that.

Go, go, go.

Maybe you'll write a poem about this.

Goodbye, Larry.

Fine. He's too old for me.

Bob, l don't want to be a princess anymore.
l want to be a cyborg.

How did he find us so fast?
lt doesn't make sense.

-Bob, what's going on?
-Please quiet, l'm trying to think.

What do you mean, you're trying to think?

-You just threw a man out the window.. .
-Who is he? What is.. .

All right, all right, fine. Fine.

l am international spy, on loan to the ClA
from the Chinese lntelligence Service.

Someone wants me dead,
and ''Larry'' was a Russian operative, okay?

Fine. Don't tell us.

Cool.

Why would he come alone?

Stay here.

-Where are the kids?
-lnside.

Nothing else matters
until these kids are safe. Nothing.

Of course. Colton set up that safe house
for them like you requested.

-Hey, got that file on you?
-What file?

The one Colton linked you to,
from Poldark's computer, your download.

l didn't download it.
l never even got it open.

Don't BS me, Bob. lt's classified material.
l need all copies.

Why would you think l downloaded it?

Unless someone told you l had,
someone who wanted it back.

Let's not make this thing
harder than it has to be, Bob.

Give me the file.

You're a career officer. Why do this?

l want out. Same as you.
We're both leaving for love.

Wait. Take it easy.

Good work.

No.

Can l just say, you are by far
the coolest guy my mom has ever dated.

At least now l know how
that kid Larry found us so fast.

-How?
-The watch.

Glaze told me to keep the watch.
lt must have a tracking device.

-Wow. You really are a spy.
-Gillian is totally going to freak.

What are you doing?

There's iron in these rocks.
lt will hide the signal. Watch, please.

You realize if l told anyone at school
this story,

l'd get detention for a year for lying.

-Yes.
-Hey, partner. Where're you at?

-Why do you ask?
-l needed to pick up that file l sent you.

You know,
the one l wanted you to open for me.

Bob, you there?

Colton, l never thought
you would have sold out to Poldark.

Hey, that's crazy, man. Something's wrong.
We need to get together and talk.

-Nice try.
-Bob? Bob?

-We'll be safe here. l promise.
-This is your plan? Hide out in a hotel?

Doesn't look like they have
chicken tenders here, either.

This is awesome.
Can we order room service?

-Are you crazy? l'm going home.
-No.

-The only place you're safe is with me.
-Safe with you?

-Everybody's trying to kill you.
-l know. lsn't it cool?

Hey, Bob, if you want to marry my mom,
l'll personally write the invitations.

Love you, Bob.

Be realistic, Bob.

-Hello.
-Hi, Gillian.

Hi, sweetheart.

Yeah, Grandpa just fell asleep.
l was gonna call you guys.

l have to tell you something.

l know this is going to hurt you,
but l have to tell you.

-Are you all right?
-l'm fine.

-lt's about Bob.
-What about him?

He's not who you think he is.
He's a spy, a Chinese spy.

And these terrorists are trying to kill him,
and now the ClA's after him, too, and they.. .

Farren, l know you don't like Bob,
but come on.

l'd expect this from lan, but not from you.

What? No, it's true. He's going
to get us all killed. Don't you even care?

Farren, this conversation is over.
Put Bob on.

Hi, Gillian.

Bob, l am so sorry.
l don't know what's gotten into her.

-lt's true.
-What is?

Everything she said is all true.

Whatever this is, it isn't funny.

The kids are safe, l promise.

l'll give them to you
as soon as you get back.

You're either telling me the truth
or l've left my kids with a nut job.

Either way, you should come and get them.

So, you got any other cool spy stuff,
besides the watch?

Don't touch. lt's very sharp.

Cool. What else?

Cool.

Sorry, mister.

Airport. Step on it.

-Bob? Are you awake?
-Are you kidding?

-Does he always snore like that?
-Can't you hear him next door?

l always thought it was the pig.

lt's over with you and Gillian, isn't it?

Yes, Farren, it's over.

-You win.
-Then why don't l feel like l won?

lf you really loved her,
you wouldn't give up this easily.

lt's because l love her and the three of you
that l have to walk away.

lt's more important that you're safe.

l thought l could put my other life
behind me, but l can't.

Be glad.
You're lucky you're not joining this family.

You've no idea what it's like to live in
a place where you totally don't belong.

Don't be so sure. l was an orphan.

l was raised in a group home.
l never knew my parents, but l had a family.

l had dozens of brothers and sisters there.

And l wasn't related to any of them,
but l loved them all.

Family isn't whose blood you carry.

lt's who you love and who loves you.

-Gillian!
-Mom!

Gillian, l'm really sorry about everything.

Tell me the truth. Are you really a spy?

Yes, l am. l was going to tell you at dinner,
but you stopped me.

l don't care. You put my children in danger.

Just go.

Bob, when are we going to see you again?

You're not.

Please don't go away.
Who's gonna sing me China songs?

-You'll be safe. l promise.
-Stay away from my children.

Dear Mom, l am very sorry,
but l cannot stay here.

My destiny is to be a spy, like Bob.

l am going with him.
Best wishes, your son, lan.

Ho's signal just popped back up.
We got him.

Let's roll.

Bob! Bob!

-lan.
-You left your watch.

What are you doing here? Let's go.

What do you mean? We just got here.

Bob Ho. What a coincidence. Tie them up.

-What are you doing here, lan?
-l'm coming with you.

l want to be a spy, too.

ls this the bad guy?
l thought he'd be better dressed.

-How did you find me?
-l found one of your tracking devices

and put it in your pocket
when l hugged you goodbye.

-l'm impressed.
-Thanks.

-Can we go back to business?
-Would it help to mention l'm retired?

Retired men don't download secrets.

-l never downloaded anything.
-He's lying.

Who are you going to believe?
Me or the traitor?

Someone has been a very naughty boy.

He's got cameras and microphones
mounted all over the place.

Good plan, filming us together.

-How could you turn against your country?
-lt's simple.

l'm gonna be a billionaire.

That file that you didn't download?
lt's a formula for a Growth Bacteria Hybrid.

This stuff literally eats oil.
Can you imagine?

Overnight,
all the world's oil supplies go poof.

All except for Russia's.
lt'll be priceless, right, comrade?

How did you get Colt to go along with you?

Colt? That hillbilly's not part of this.

He doesn't know what goes on
in the real world.

He still thinks wrestling is real.

Let the boy go.
He has nothing to do with this.

Mr. Chit-Chat just laid out our whole plan.

We cannot let him go.

-He will tell.
-Trust me, no one would believe him.

He's right about that.

Hey, boss. Look at what l found
sneaking around outside.

-Farren?
-Hi, everybody.

Please, have a seat.

This can't be happening.

Poldark, let the children go
and l will find this GBH file for you.

GBH? Like, Stockholm GBH?

-How do you know that?
-No freaking way.

You're telling me all of this is
because he downloaded a bootleg concert?

You did what?

You downloaded it?

Wow, these companies take piracy
way too seriously.

You were messing with my computer?
That's private.

l just wanted to seem cool.

You don't need to. You are cool.

-You're one of the coolest kids l know.
-Really? Thanks.

Hey, over here. Man with a gun.

Wait a minute.
l am one of the only kids you know.

-Where is the file?
-lt's on my iPod, on my desk at home.

Now, see, you want to be a spy.
Never tell the truth to the bad guy.

Sorry, l'm new at this.

Tatiana, take some men to the kid's house
and find the iPod.

What if the family is home?

Ever since you dyed your hair blonde.. .
Kill them.

-No, don't!
-Go, bring me that iPod.

Come on, go. Go.

Now, as for you.. .

Awesome!

Farren, let's go.

-l call dibs on the front.
-Then l pick the radio station.

Okay. Ready?

Okay, hold on.

-Hello?
-Gillian, listen to me.

Goodbye, Bob.

Gillian, wait. Don't hang up.

Hang on.
We've got to get there before they do.

ls there anyone at the agency
you can still trust? Someone you can call?

Sure, but they tore out my cameras.
l have no proof of anything.

Except that, as it happens, l recorded
that entire conversation on my cell phone.

Way to go, dork.

Colt.. . Just listen.
l'm going to play you something.

That file that you didn't download?
lt's a formula for a Growth Bacteria Hybrid.

This stuff literally eats oil.

What is this?

-lt's Halloween.
-lt's Halloween.

-Happy Halloween.
-Bob!

What are you all doing?
l thought you were upstairs.

-Everybody inside.
-Bob, we need to talk.

Mom, this isn't a joke. Do whatever he says.

-Okay.
-Come on.

-Get your iPod.
-His iPod?

-l demand an explanation.
-They're coming.

-Who?
-The Russians.

Russians?

l saw them outside. They're coming.

-Russians?
-Yes, Gillian, Russians.

Let's try and keep up.

lt's too late. Everybody upstairs.
Understand me?

Stay there.

Where's my stuff?

-Here, take some of this stuff.
-What is all this?

Protection.

Why do you have a lighter?
l don't want you playing with fire.

Okay, maybe just this once. Let's go.

Trick or treat.

Hurry. Close it. Close it quick. Okay.

-l forgot Chuckle.
-Nora! Nora!

What are you supposed to be?

A cyborg,
sent from the future to blast you away.

Mommy, that man can fly.

l can't believe you did this to my family,
endangered my kids.

l didn't mean to. l love your kids.

l want to marry you, all four of you.

And l wanted to marry you.

But our wedding gifts would have
to be opened by the bomb squad.

All right, Ho. Enough games.

l finally found a normal guy, l thought,
someone who likes to.. .

Can we talk about this later?

-He switched belts.
-Get him.

Give me the iPod, kid.

-Come on, let's TP the little geek's house.
-Yeah, TP.

Hey, guys.

Gotta go.

Maybe we should just stick
to stealing candy from little kids.

Yeah, real little kids.

-This is going to be fun.
-Hey, Larry. Knock, knock.

Yes!

Come on, guys, get in the room
and lock the door. Hurry. Lock it.

lrish stew in the name of the law.

Sorry your retirement was so short, Bob.

-You can kill me. Let the family go.
-l can't. They've seen too much.

But l'll let you go first
so you don't have to watch.

Hey, mister.

Don't think this changes anything.

-Everybody freeze!
-lt's okay.

They're the good guys.

You stinking lowlife. Come on. Let's go.

Mom!

Hey, loosen these things up.

l'm sorry. What's wrong?
Got the handcuffs too tight?

l don't know how these things work.
l'm just a dumb hillbilly.

-Everybody okay?
-Bumps and bruises.

lan, this really is the good guy.

Hey, what you got there, son?

Nice work recording that conversation,
partner.

This young man might make
a heck of a spy someday.

How quickly can you give me
orange jumpsuit?

l'm sorry l suspected you.

Don't worry about it, old buddy.

Chalk it up to the language barrier.

Thank you.

l'm sorry l put you through all this.

Goodbye, Gillian.

Goodbye, kids.

Bob.

l'm gonna miss you.

l'll miss you, too.

Wait.

l know he lied, but he did it to protect us.

This whole time, all he ever wanted to do
was protect us, Mom.

And, Mom,

you're never gonna find a man
as good as Bob, never again.

Never.

l never thought l'd say this,

but l agree with Farren.

l suppose you have something to say, too.

l want Bob to be my daddy.

Do you, Gillian, take Bob
to be your lawfully wedded husband?

l do.

And do you, Bob, take Gillian
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Gillian.

There's one more thing l have to tell you.

My name really isn't Bob.

That's okay.

l do.

l now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.

Ready. And action.

And cut.

No, that man's so crooked,
he could eat nails and.. .

Maybe he just wanted
to fill up his gas tanks for free.

l can't blame him.

No, that man's so crooked,
he could eat nails and.. .

Sorry.

Sorry, mister.

All right.

What's going on?

Bob, l don't want to be a princess anymore.

l want to be a.. .

l'm an international spy, on loan to the ClA
from the Chinese.. .

From the Chinese intelligent.. . lntelligent?

-lntelligence.
-lntelligence.

Well, l'll just pick a few things
and move to the house.

-Okay, cut.
-What does it mean?

l am international spy, on loan to the ClA
from the Chinese intelligent.. .

-What?
-lntelligent.

l've brought down dictators.
How tough to say.. .

-Yeah.
-Yes?

Maybe you'll write a poem about.. .

A poem about.. . A poem.

Maybe you'll write a poem.. .

Maybe write.. . l hate English.

lf a man marries you,
he marries all four of you.

Don't forget the pig, the cat and the turkey.

And the turkey.

-Turkey? Where's the turkey come from?
-l don't know.

-Yeah, well, my grandmother's.. . Sorry.
-Okay, cut.

Grandmother's great. He plays.. .

Let's cut.

When they forget a dialogue,
it makes me happy.

Good work. Come out. Camera needs you.

Come on.

What are we doing?

What are you doing? We're filming.
We're making a movie.

Funny man. Funny man.

A camera mark.