The Spirit Is Willing (1967) - full transcript

( suspenseful theme
playing )

Oh. Sorry, sir.

I'm always a bit jumpy
after a crew mutinies on me.

Of course.

And I wanna thank you again,
captain,

for saving my cargo.

All I did was bust open
a few heads, sir.

Running a tight ship
prepares a man

for the day
he buys his own, eh?

Now where would the likes
of me

ever get enough money
for a ship of his own, sir?



( upbeat theme playing )

( seagull shrieking )

Who's the dried-up
old wench, sir?

My daughter, Felicity.

She has great inner beauty.
She's unmarried.

Oh, I'm not exactly ready
to settle down, sir.

Ebenezer, some day
you'd inherit my business.

I crave the sea, sir.

And my house.

A wife needs a man
who's near at hand.

And all my ships.
I'm not--

( upbeat theme playing )

( seagull shrieking )

She has quite
a bit of character,



doesn't she, sir?

( seagull shrieking )

Yes, quite a bit
of character, Dad.

( upbeat theme playing )

( maid screams )

( banging )

( Ebenezer screams )

( thunder crashing )

( thudding )

( Felicity screams )

( banging )

( thunder rolling )

( suspenseful theme
playing )

( Kreator's "Willing Spirit"
playing )

* The spirit is willing

* Your kisses
Are chilling *

* The spirit is willing

* But the flesh is weak

* The spirit is willing

* Your kisses
Are chilling *

* The spirit is willing

* But the flesh is weak

* The spirit is willing

* Your kisses
Are chilling *

* The spirit is willing

* But the flesh is weak

( upbeat theme playing )

The man said the house
was built around 1880.

Hmph!

And there's a cove for boating,
swimming and fishing.

Hmph!

Almost 16 years old
and all he can do is grunt.

How long do you intend
to pout?

It's a free country.

Don't I have
a right to be miserable?

No. Not yet.
I'm still paying the bills.

How would you like to spend
the first day of your vacation

in your room?
What room?

I haven't even
seen the house yet.

( upbeat theme playing )

What's everybody
staring at?

Kate, you think
the reason my boss

suggested I take
an extended vacation

is he's getting ready
to fire me?

What do you mean?
What's everybody? Where?

( upbeat theme playing )

Out there everybody's
playing peek-a-boo.

Your boss is merely aware your
back has been bothering you.

I don't think so.

They haven't changed
my typewriter ribbon

in over six months.

It's New England, Steve.

They're very reserved down here
until they get to know you.

Hmph!

( upbeat theme playing )

( Steve sighs )

Ben, you're the best editor on
that magazine and you know it.

That's just what
I'm gonna tell them

down at the unemployment
office.

Boy, I can't wait
to tell my friends

what a gas of a time
I had in Weirdsville.

( tires screeching )

Now, hear this,
Mr. Grouch.

We rented a house we never saw
because it was cheap.

I'm sorry I'm not rich
so I can spoil you rotten

like your other friends.

Now, just sit back
and try to relax

and enjoy yourself.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, here we are.

I could barf.

I'll say this for you, kid,
you're consistent.

Isn't it time
you learned to smile?

Let's face it, Mom,

I got a pretty rotten life
so far.

( car door slams )

So far your life is shot.

Here you are, sweetheart.
Thank you.

There we are.

Wanna take a bag, son,
please?

Yes.

The real estate man said

the key would be
under the doormat.

Under the doormat?
Hmm.

There's no key here,
sweetheart.

Hey. It's open.

Happy holiday.

Hey, this is not bad at all,
is it?

I like it.

( screaming )

You scared me.

We scared you?
Look, lady--

I heard screaming.

Ugh! Oh!

Your back.

It's all right,
sweetheart.

It'll be all right
in a minute.

Keep it straight, though.
Yeah.

Good.

( sighs )

I wasn't expecting you folks
till later.

Who are you?

Miss Tritt.
I'm the cleaning woman.

Have you ever tried
using a broom?

( laughing )

Look, lady.

I didn't know exactly
when you were coming.

It's getting dark outside,
and this house, you know--

Or do you?

Besides, a girl all alone
has to be careful.

Well, what do we owe you?

Oh, the real estate man
paid me.

Well, nice meeting you, folks.
Lots of luck.

Yeah. Our pleasure.

Well, you know,
they may be reserved down here,

but they're all flippos.

( bicycle bell ringing )

( whistles )

They sure are.
Yeah, they're flippos, huh?

It's not bad, huh?

What those New York
antique dealers wouldn't do

to get their hands
on some of this.

Huh?
It's just old junk.

( chuckles )

I gotta say this for you, kid,
you got a lot of class.

I'll put it down.

( scoffs )

Oh, boy.

Aha, now I know why you picked
this crummy old barn.

So Uncle George
could have a place to park

his fat old yacht
in that cove.

Steve. That is not true
and you know it.

He's too smart for that,
Mom.

He knows you're just waiting
for him to kick off

and leave you his loot.

Kid, don't say anything
for the rest of the day.

STEVE:
Will you buy me a car
when I'm 16 next week?

No.
I didn't ask to be born.

Well, you've asked
for everything else.

One lousy car
and I can't get it.

I mean, a big problem
over a car.

( suspenseful theme
playing )

Big deal.
Everyone has a car.

Why can't they give me
a car?

( suspenseful theme
playing )

Sweet.

BEN:
Kate, the kid's impossible.

Oh, well, he'll outgrow it.
Yeah, but when?

Steve!
Sorry.

That's all right, pal.

Couldn't have had a girl,
huh?

Well, he must be
a little excited.

Yeah.

Girls are so soft,
so cuddly.

All right,
why don't you talk to him?

All right. I will.

Mix me a pound of martinis
and I'll talk to him.

Help! Help!

What happened
to that kid?

Steve? Where are you?

STEVE:
Mom! Dad! Help! Help!

Where are you, Steve?

Help! Quick!

Help!

( gasps )

BEN:
Kid.

Watch yourself.
Oh. Oh, hurry.

Okay. Hold on to something.
Be careful.

I got him, I got him.

Hold yourself. Hold it.

Watch yourself. Watch it.

You all right?
Yeah. Fine.

I'm fine.

What were you doing
out there, huh?

What do you mean
what was I doing?

I was looking out the window
and some clown shoved me!

There's nobody here
but us.

Oh, come on, Ma,
you don't think I'm dumb en--?

What's the use?

Look, which one of these cells
is mine?

We haven't even looked
at the rooms.

I have. There's one
right off the kitchen.

Is it okay
if I take that one?

That sounds
like a maid's room.

Don't you want something
a little bigger?

What for?
It's near the ice box

and it's got its own john.

That's a stranger
walking down the stairs.

Oh, Ben.

I mean it.

That's a stranger
that just walked downstairs.

I know he's our child.

We have a birth certificate
to prove it.

And I love that kid.
I love him.

But how do you get through
to him?

Ben, you're exaggerating.
I'm not exaggerating.

It's just that
I don't understand him.

In fact, there's a lot
I don't understand.

Twelve years on a job,
you think you're doing great

and all of a sudden
you get a vacation.

It's just not right.

And there's nowhere
to turn.

After 18 years of marriage
and there's nowhere to turn.

Oh, sweetheart,
I didn't mean that. It's--

Of course I can turn to you.
It's just that--

Well, I--
It seems the older I get,

the less I understand
about Steve,

about my job and...

Well, it's a terrible thing.

All you need is a rest

and a little special
attention.

My back.

And a little
positive thinking.

( door creaking )

( wind gusting lightly )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, no.

What happened?
What's going on?

All right, mister, that
comes out of your allowance.

I didn't do it.

Who did?
The invisible man upstairs?

Look, how am I
supposed to know?

Maybe the joker
who kept opening

that goofy old door
did it.

That goofy old door
is bolted.

I know. I bolted it.

Look, all I did,
I looked around

and I went back
into my dungeon.

And finding no food

you decided to punish us
by breaking a window.

I didn't go near
the crummy old window!

Only guilty people yell!

I'm innocent!
I'm innocent!

All right, Mr. Dreyfus!

Now, clean up this mess.

Your mother and I
are going to the market.

And while we're gone
straighten up your room,

so it won't look
like a pigsty.

Well, you haven't even been
in my room yet.

How do you know--?
Hey!

Now, will you listen
to your mother, please?

Let's go.

He hates us.

He's a teenager.
They hate everything.

( glass breaking )

( suspenseful theme
playing )

( door creaking )

When he was a baby,
he was so sweet.

He also used to throw up
quite a bit.

Why can't we get through
to him?

Let's face it, sweetheart,
we've spawned a lemon.

(chuckles then grunts )

( ragtime piano music
being played )

( upbeat theme playing )

( crashing and banging )

What's going on here?

( crashing, glass breaking )

( glass breaking )

STEVE:
It's inconceivable.

How many cooks
rented this mausoleum?

Lady, please,

what do you think
you're doing?

( crashing and banging )

( gasps )

So that's the game,
is it?

Give old Uncle George
a heart attack

and get to the reading
of the will?

Uncle George,
I didn't know it was you.

I thought it was one
of those other nuts.

Where's your mother and that
smart-alecky magazine editor?

Well, they went
into town shopping.

Why, those three lunatics
just came in

and wrecked the joint.
Come here. Look down here, boy.

That's a 55-foot diesel
cabin cruiser.

STEVE:
Hey, that's a boss-looking
yacht, Uncle George.

You know how many toilet bowls
I had to sell

to buy get that cruiser?
Not really, no.

That baby down there's got all
the modern gadgets going.

If I could find a woman
with as many workable parts,

I'd marry her.
Well, she sure is a beauty.

You gonna sue them?
Huh?

The lunatics
that wrecked the joint.

Oh, I didn't know
you heard what I said.

Listen, son,
when you're in my tax bracket,

you hear everything
everybody says.

You get yourself
an attorney.

Boy, Uncle George,
you should have see them.

I mean, it was like the escape
from the funny farm--

Never skimp on an attorney.
Get yourself a real killer.

And if you can get an attorney
who's also a CPA, grab him.

They're better than a bribe.
Yes, sir.

What you gonna be when
your brain's straightened out?

Well,
I haven't thought much--

You'll be an attorney
and a CPA.

Slide in on the gravy,
grab them and squeeze.

Got that, boy? Squeeze.
( car door closing )

That your folks?

Shh.

UNCLE GEORGE:
Surprise!

Uncle George!

I'll take this, Mom.

Oh, well,
thank you, dear.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, we'll be eating shortly,
Uncle George.

No, thank you. I wouldn't want
to ruin your husband's appetite.

Now, what kind of talk
is that?

We'd love to have you stay.
Wouldn't we, dear?

If I say no
will he disinherit you?

That's what I like
about you, Ben.

You can't stand me,
I can't stand you,

and it's all
right out in the open.

Oh, let me take those.

Gee.

Oh, gee!

( Kate gasps )

Uh-- Anything else
I can do, Dad?

Haven't you done enough?

Only guilty people yell.

Don't be too hard
on the boy, Ben.

Do you know what this
is gonna cost me?

Well, we'll make those
three clowns pay.

Now who are you blaming?

Uncle George knows a great
attorney CPA, he's a real--

Go to your room!
It's not fair!

Can't you talk
in a normal voice?

You wouldn't believe
anything I said.

I'll have a chat with the boy.
I've got a way with people.

Selling toilets doesn't
make you a psychologist!

Uncle George is only
trying to help, dear.

Ben, you're suffering
from an anemic bank account.

Being an editor isn't
the only business in the world.

If you want me to help, I know
lots of people that count.

You think about that.

Oh, he does know
a lot of people.

Well,
I'm not gonna be rescued

by the king
of E-Z Flush Incorporated.

Steve?

STEVE:
Leave me alone.

( creaking )

( female voice moaning )

( upbeat theme playing )

( thudding )

( Uncle George groans )

You think we ought
to pack up and go home?

And let a 15-year-old boy
run our lives?

Yeah.

UNCLE GEORGE:
Help! Help!

Help!
What--?

UNCLE GEORGE:
Let me out of here!
Let me out!

( banging on door )
Uncle George!

You don't have to resort
to violence

just because you don't
want me to stay for dinner.

But Kate and I,
we were in the living room

trying to straighten up.

Then who--?
Who--? Who--?

I was in my room.
I was playing my records.

And Uncle George pushed himself
down the cellar stairs?

Okay, he's gonna--
Ben.

( door opens and slams )

We love him.

Why does he act this way?
So unreasonable and impossible.

Well, a man gets to be 40,

he hasn't made it,
he gets bitter,

you can't cope with--
I mean Steve.

Oh. Oh, well,
I know how to handle him.

I'll invite him to sleep
on the yacht tonight.

I'm afraid
Steve would not enjoy--

Oh, yes, he would.

The front of the craft
is called the bow,

the rear
is called the stern.

The left is called the port,
the right is called the starb--

( yawns )

The right
is called the starboard.

Feeling a little sleepy, boy?
Mm-hm.

That'll be all for tonight,
Pederson.

( clears throat )

Yes, sir. Aye, sir.

If you don't stay on top
of them, next thing you know,

they're calling you
by your first name.

Then they wanna hit you up
for a loan.

Boy, you sure do know a lot
about stuff, Uncle George.

You bet your anchor I do.

And never forget, boy,

the magic word in this life
is money.

And I mean money.

Captain Pederson.

( suspenseful theme
playing )

Good night.
Good night.

Sir. Aye.

He hates me.

This is your cabin.
And remember, money.

Don't fall
for any of that

"you can't take it with you"
garbage.

Who knows?
Maybe you can.

Good night.
Good night.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh. Thank you ver--

You!

Oh. Oh, no,
you're one of those nuts.

Uncle George!

Uncle George! Uncle George!
UNCLE GEORGE: What is it?

She's in there!
Who? Who?

One of the three flippos
that clobbered the antiques.

She's the young one
who's built like--

On my ship?

All right, Pederson,
open up!

( thudding and crashing )

Go get the ax.
It's past the barometer

on the port side
of the boatswain's chest.

Right. What'd you say?

It's the ax hanging
by the television set.

Right.

There'll be no hanky-panky
under my command.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, boy, another one.
Uncle George!

The goofy-looking one
with the crazy hair

just climbed aboard
the boatswain's thingamajig.

Break this sex fiend's
door down.

Right!

Steve?

Steve?

Steve? Steve.

Where'd she go?
Ugh! Oh!

Who?
The moose with the wild hair?

I was chopping down the door
when she ran right by me

into the engine room.

I followed her,
but she must have gotten--

You told me
she went out deck.

Well, she was.
Didn't you see her?

She ran right by here.
I'm--

I didn't see anybody.
Did you?

Well, Uncle George,
I just told you I saw--

Now, listen here.

If this is another one
of your fancy tales--

Uncle George--

( water running )

You open the seacocks
and let the water in!

Me? Uncle George, I don't know
a seacock from a seagull!

Yes, you do!

Lover boy and I
showed them to you!

Uncle George, honest!
I wouldn't do this!

Stop gabbing

and get overboard
on the double!

We're sinking!
We're sinking?

Look.
Oh!

Where's the rowboat?
Did you sink that too?

I haven't sunk anything!

Shut up and jump!

( upbeat theme playing )

My rowboat!
Pederson, come back here!

Uncle George,
just lean back.

Leave me alone, damn it,
I'm a senior lifeguard!

( suspenseful theme playing )

( gurgling )

( romantic theme playing )

Well, that Steve
really fixed my back.

What a bang he gave me
with that door.

You'll feel better
once you lie down.

( chuckles )

You don't think Steve
would come in here

and knock me off my bed?

No, he wouldn't do that.

We're not gonna spend
our first night here

talking about Steve.

Are we?

You're right.

Let's think
about pleasant things.

You didn't forget to pack
my wooden board

for under the mattress,
did you?

You didn't.

How could you forget
my wooden board?

I don't know.

I had so much to remember,
I just forgot.

It's all right, sweetheart.

I'll sleep on the floor.

( groans)

Oh.
What happened?

I don't know,
but you'd better get used

to keeping company
with a short man.

Oh, here, let me help you.
Oh.

Here. Hang on to the dresser
and I'll straighten--

Where's the dresser?
The dre-- Straight ahead

Straight ahead. The dresser.
Straighten-- Yeah.

Easy. Easy.
Oh, boy. Yeah.

Okay.
Oh, my. Watch it now.

Now, hang on.
Yeah, I'm hanging on.

Oh, would a drink help?

It wouldn't hurt?
Wouldn't hurt.

Right.
Yeah, okay.

Okay, now. One, two--

Sweetheart, don't tell me
when it's coming.

It'll hurt less.

Just do it, right?
Okay.

Ugh.
( screams )

Did I break anything?
No, no. I'm fine.

Are you okay?
I'm fine.

Oh.

Just as good as old.

( both laugh )

Now, just back me up
to my mattress.

Yes.

Straight back.
Yeah.

Straight.
Don't bend me now.

No, I'm not bending you.
Don't let me bend.

No, no.
I think I'm bending.

No, you're not bending.
You're bending me.

I'm not bending you.

Then the room is bending.
No, I'm all right.

That's fine.

There.
There we are.

There we are.
Fine.

Yeah.

Sweetheart,
what are you doing?

A good doctor
always works close

to her patient.

But, sweetheart, my back.

Hush. I'll charge you
for a house call.

( doorbell ringing )

Did you hear that?

Was that the doorbell?

Yeah, that was the doorbell.

( doorbell rings )

I've been expecting it.

Expecting what?

Telegram.

From who?

My boss.

Why would he send you
a telegram?

That's the way
they fire you today.

He may even sing it.

( doorbell ringing continuous )

Oh, boy.

Ben, why must you always
be so pessimistic?

Okay, I'm not getting fired.

I'm being
summoned to the U.N.

You're really anxious
to get your grubby hands

on my money, aren't you?

Next time, hire a professional
to do your dirty work.

What happened?

Steve!

He sunk my yacht.

You sunk--
I didn't!

But take it out
of my allowance anyway.

What--?

Operator, who do I call
to get my damn yacht raised?

( upbeat theme playing )

( suspenseful theme
playing )

Steve, breakfast.

Oh, I don't wanna eat.
Ever.

Now, look, Steve.
You gotta come--

Oh, please. I might as well
live in a public restroom

for all the privacy
I have around here.

All right, Steve.
Maybe some other time.

I just thought maybe you'd
like to talk about your car.

Oh, come on, Dad,
sit down.

Get comfortable.
Want a pillow?

Oh, yeah.
Good.

Now, you've been saving up
for a car, right?

That's right,
for a whole year.

How much you got saved up?
Twelve bucks.

Twelve dollars.

Well, Steve, you're gonna need
at least $300 for a car.

Oh, a lot more than that,
Dad.

I mean, these new sports cars
really cost.

What are you talking new?
What new car?

Look, you can't afford
a new car.

But, Dad, neither can you,
but you drive one.

I'm too poor to drive
an old car.

Besides, every time
I ,get behind that wheel

the guy in the bank
is in the back seat.

Yeah, but, Dad,
you just can't get a new car

for $300 today.

Why don't you try?
I'd like one with a motor.

All right, look.

Your mother and I
decided last night

that if you get a job,
whatever you make each week,

I'll match it.

Hey, that's great, Dad.
I'll start looking today.

The sooner I connect, the sooner
that green stuff will come in.

A deal?
A deal.

You got it.
Okay.

Now, have breakfast.
Okay.

( phone rings )

Hello?

Oh, hold on just a second,
please.

Uncle George.

There's a Mr. Dorple
on the phone.

Salvage man.

Where do you buy your clothes?
From the kiddie shop?

Next time I'm fitted,

I'll give the tailor
your measurements.

Where the hell are you?

Now, don't worry,
Mr. Merkimmer.

We'll have that yacht raised
for you in no time.

Now, remember, Steve,

even if they turn you down
for the job

always act polite.
Yes, sir.

Just make up your mind
you're gonna get the job, boy,

you'll get it.
Yes, sir.

Some jobs certain people
aren't suited to,

so don't walk in
expecting to be hired off

right like that.
No, sir.

It's all out there
waiting for you, boy,

just reach out and grab it.
Yes, sir.

I gave you a lift
to buy some clothes,

not to give my son
advice.

Nobody makes it big
by being a defeatist.

Take away your
high-priced lawyers

and your shifty
accountants,

you'd be in a prison cell
right now. Remember that.

Yes, sir.
If I was in a prison cell,

you can bet
your afterdeck,

it'd be the fanciest
room they've got.

Remember that.
Yes, sir.

Gee, thanks for
the swell advice.

BEN:
Your after what?

UNCLE GEORGE: My afterdeck.
BEN: Your poop deck.

( upbeat theme playing )

Good morning, sir.
Good morning.

I'm a very polite fellow
and I was looking for a job.

Sorry, I'm not one of them
bigshot chain stores

who can throw money around.

Oh, but, sir,
I'm a good worker.

I'm diligent, kind,
trustworthy.

Hi.

Hi.

My name's Priscilla.
Isn't that a gas?

Priscilla Weems.

I'm Steve Pow--

Hey, you're the--

Not really, but I do look
just like her.

Like who?
Jenny.

She used to be the maid in
the house that you're renting.

Well, she's sure
a crummy maid

the way she goes around
wrecking antiques.

She's a ghost.
And sinking yachts with the--

What'd you say?
Jenny's a ghost,

and so are Ebenezer
and Felicity.

They died in 1898.

My family's related
to Jenny.

She never bothered
to get married,

but there's a long
family tree

that suggests
she was very busy.

I guess it was
overactive glands.

Anyway, my parents don't like
to mention it too often

because Jenny
not being married,

well, that makes them all--
Look, Priscilla,

you're talking to a guy

who is thinking
of buying a new car.

So don't give me
any of that ghost goulash.

Well, why don't we discuss it
over a strawberry sundae?

Well, I'm slightly embarrassed
at the moment, wallet-wise.

But as soon as
I land a job I'd love--

Well, if you're looking
for a job,

drop in at Mother's Bar
down the street.

You mean your mother
runs a saloon?

Don't be gauche.

And after you get paid,
look me up.

I hold séances
for the unbelievers.

A new car. Hmm.

Bye.

Bye.

Sir.
Huh? Yes?

How do I get
to Mother's Bar?

Young man,
just because there's no job,

there's no reason
to turn to drink.

( upbeat theme playing )

Sheesh.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

FESS:
All right, drink up,
will you fellas?

Raising that yacht's gonna be
a whole day's job.

Soon as we've killed
our beers, Fess.

Them beers will die
of old age

before these two
get off their duffs.

There ain't no ghost,
you boob.

Mother, will you make her
shut her yap?

I've had a request for you
to shut your yap.

The Constitution guarantees
freedom of speech.

Anybody thinks different
is welcome to step outside.

Your move.

I know her type.

You hit them once, and you got
a lawsuit on your hands.

Gloria, are you saying
Booper and me are afraid

to go below
Twitchell cove?

Don't be so sensitive,
Rabbit.

Being yellow
is a sign of brains.

Are you gonna make her
shut up?

I've heard
from that party again

concerning your big mouth.

Ghosts. Ha!

How come Millie Stemhouse went
crazy at the Twitchell place?

Because Millie Stemhouse
was crazy the day she was born.

Not as crazy as she was
after she worked there.

And how come Jeb Hardwick up and
died right on the front step?

Because his horse
up and reared him through him,

that's why.
Yeah?

Well, something made
that lame-lazy old nag

up and rear
like a ballerina.

Wasn't nothing human.

Neither are you.

( laughs )

Come on, boys.

There's death lurking
in that house,

in the cove
and all around it.

Listen, did you
all by your ugly self

ever lay eyes on one
of them ghosts face to face,

you lying, soused-up
hunk of know-nothing.

No.

But one of them
touched me.

( dramatic theme playing )

I was cleaning up
the kitchen,

that's where they got
that cellar door.

And all of a sudden
I feel a chill

like them Eskimos must feel
when they keep the window open.

And then it happened.

I hear this creaky sound.

I look around,
the cellar door is open.

I close it,
I go back to cleaning,

here it comes again,

Creak.

I go over to the door,

now there's a cold wind
blowing up from the cellar,

like only the devil's icebox
could make.

I look around,
nobody but me.

I start to close the door
and I smell something.

Smoke.

It's a real funny
kind of smell.

All of a sudden
my bones freeze.

I wanna move,
but my feet ain't listening.

And then I feel something
that's all over me

like a shroud.

I can't breathe,
I'm so scared.

I close the door.

Somehow I turn around,

nobody there.

But I know there is.

I turn around again,

that cellar door is open.

Who opened it?

I wonder how many people
have died in that house

that nobody knows about.

Get yourself another boy.

Get two.

What?

Where am I gonna get
somebody the last minute

to go down below?

Hi, anybody know where a fella
can get a job around here?

Come here, son.

( chuckles )

( upbeat theme playing )

( wind whistling )

I just got that same
cold feeling I had

when that cellar door
opened.

What do you mean there's nothing
down there but the anchor?

Get back under
and find that yacht.

Yes, sir.

The salvage crew
is already working

down below the cove,
Uncle George.

Well, where'd you get
the jacket, dear?

Just happened to catch my eye,
so I snapped it up.

You only bought it
to show off

because I offered
to pay for it.

They overcharged him.

Look, if I wanna buy a jacket
and spend money,

that's my business.
He's loaded with hostility.

You let me buy you
those trousers, didn't you?

Only because you split
the seams on my others.

All that high living
has gone to your afterdeck.

( upbeat theme playing )

It's not there, sir.
Yeah, I know.

You already told me that
it's not there.

I don't mean the yacht,
I mean the anchor.

The anchor's not there.
Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me
that the anchor

you just saw down there
a minute ago,

it's not there anymore?
That's right.

Look, kid.
I got a surprise for you.

All the anchors I know
don't know how to swim.

Now, get back down there,

find that yacht
and be quick about it.

Yes, Dad. Uh, sir.

What's the matter?
You still mad

because they won't let you
split my skull with your ax?

You must have a lot of kids.
No.

So far we've only been blessed
with one.

Hope you got a good
photograph of the boy

because he ain't gonna
look the same

after they drag this cove
for him.

You mean Steve?

My son?

My son Steve is--

Steve! Steve!

( upbeat theme playing )

Steve.

Steve, you all right?

How could they let a little boy
do such a dangerous thing?

Steve,
I've known you to do

some stupid things
in your life,

but, boy, your really topped
yourself this time.

Dad, you told me to get a job
and that's what I did.

I got a job.
Yeah.

Get yourself another moron.

Well, who's gonna do it?
You!

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Give me a hand.
Give me a hand!

You had to take a job,
huh?

I'm sorry.

Where do you sit
on this boat?

Just sit down.
Get back there.

You're on the wrong side.
Get in the back.

Fess is down there
with no oxygen tank.

Oh, old Fess
can handle himself okay.

Dad, look, when I asked
for a job, I was polite.

Just like you said.

Don't talk to me
for the rest of the summer.

( dramatic theme playing )

Dad.
I said don't talk to me.

Yes, sir. I just thought
you'd like to know

the rowboat is leaking.

Start bailing.

Put your finger in it.
Something.

( grunting )

Welcome home, Fess.

I was down there
and it was freezing.

And here comes that anchoress
swimming towards me.

All by itself.

All by itself?

I'm going to Boston
and buy another yacht.

The insurance company can worry
about that one.

Who owns the truck?

It's mine.
Here, help me up.

You can have it for $2000,

and I'll throw in the rest
of my business

for another 6.

I'll give you 3
for the whole caboodle.

Three? I'll take it.

STEVE:
Say, Uncle George,

can I go to Boston with you?
I'd love--

You're going straight
to your room.

And no detours.

Ben.
Oh, it's okay.

Well, you see, sweetheart,
a cheap jacket,

the water would run right off.
But this?

This holds the water good.

See?
This will never dry out.

Now, do you believe me?
I can prove there are ghosts.

Meet me
at the cemetery tonight.

Priscilla
there are no ghosts--

Chicken.

You're on.
Okay.

Now be in the cemetery
tonight--

I know, 12 midnight.

That's only in books.
See you at 8.

After the ghosts
have had dinner.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hi.
Hi.

Did I scare you?
Oh, of course not.

Well, I'm here.
Make with the ghosts?

Well, you've gotta stand
behind their graves.

( laughing ):
Oh, now, come on.

I mean, shouldn't a coyote
be howling or something?

( laughing )

( gasps)

( giggles)

Who's he?
Miles Thorpe.

Oh, what's he doing here?

His parents think he's in bed.
I'm his babysitter.

( giggles)

I suppose
you see ghosts too, huh?

All the time.

When Mommy and Daddy come back
from the movies

and come in to see
if I'm sleeping okay,

I tell them
about going to the cemetery

and seeing all the ghosts
and everything.

Sure you do.

He does.
They just don't believe him.

Parents never believe
little boys.

Okay, Miles, dear,
I'm ready.

Gotta get behind
the grave.

This is for you.
Thank you.

And this is for you.

And this is for me.

Felicity loves Ebenezer.

( laughing )

Throw a daisy.

Ebenezer loves Jenny.

( laughing )

Love is for two.

Three is too many.

( laughing )

Come out of your graves

and into the night.

Come to our séance.

and tell us your plight.

( laughing )

Jenny, are you there?

Well, if she is,
then leave a message

with her answering service.

( banging )

Hey, what's the--?
Shh.

Jenny.

Jenny, Steve Powell
is with us and--

Jenny's got her eye on you.
Oh.

Oh, hello, Felicity,
how are you?

Oh, well that's ve--
Jenny, would you--?

Please do not interrupt.
It's Felicity's turn.

Steve's not even 16 yet.

Sorry, Felicity, go on.

I see.

Well, hold on,
I'll ask him.

Felicity says
that if you buy

some of the things she wants,
she'll lay off.

What sort of things?

Felicity, speak slowly.

Silk hose,
size 10 and a half.

A new sheer night gown
with flowers on it.

Bright red
Tujour lipstick.

Ooh La La perfume number 3.

Kiss Me Quick
nail polish.

And high-gloss lacquer
deodorant spray

with a five-day guarantee.

Thank you, Felicity.
Good night.

Now, all you have to do--
Oh, I get it.

It's the old badger game.

Adios, strange one.
No fool like a young one.

Oh, go fly a broom.

If Felicity heard you,
you'll really get it now.

( dramatic theme playing )

( popping )
( gasps )

You.

You're one of the--

And Priscilla told me
you were a ghost.

Well, you sure don't look--

( upbeat theme playing )

Sweetheart,
that's a first.

What is?

We sent Steve to his room
after dinner,

we haven't heard a peep out
of him since.

Well, to our new Steve.
To our new Steve.

( yacht horn blaring )

That must be Uncle George
with his new yacht.

( yacht horn blaring )

He seems eager
to come to shore.

Well, he can't wait
to brag to me

how he made
the insurance company crawl.

Now, Ben, you mustn't
resent Uncle George.

He tries very hard.

To Uncle George.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, okay,
so you're a ghost.

I believe. I believe.

( glass breaking )

Knock it off, will you?
I'm a friend of Miles!

( objects banging
and crashing )

Why don't you hang out
at the graveyard

where you belong?

( doorbell rings )

Guess what happened
to my brand-new yacht?

You don't mean it--

And the undertow capsized
my rowboat.

Gee, that's too bad.

( chuckling )

You'll probably get
a new rowboat

with tomorrow's yacht.

( snickers )

STEVE:
Help!

What the hell is that?

I'm gonna tell you
the truth.

You better tell us or--
Ben, let him talk.

I'm gonna tell you exactly
what happened

to Uncle George's yacht.

Two yachts.
We're waiting.

Yes, sir, I know just
who wrecked the yachts

and this furniture
and the house

and who knows what
they're gonna do next.

Well, tell us. Who is--?
Let the boy talk.

He said he's gonna tell
the truth.

That's right, Steve.
Tell the truth.

The truth is always
the best way.

All right. Now who
is responsible for all this?

Ghosts.

Ghosts?

There was a lady ghost here
a minute ago.

A lady ghost?

They come in all sizes.

All kinds of sizes,
ladies.

STEVE:
Real bodies.

Real bodies.

Ectoplasm.

Ectoplasm.

With puffs of smoke.

Puffs of smoke.

( upbeat theme playing )

Ever been any insanity
in your family?

( scoffs )

Why, look--

You think maybe--
No, no, no.

Pardon me?
Yes?

I wonder if you have
any books from the--

Oh. Yes, yes, of course.
Ghosts up your chimney?

Poltergeist. That's German.
It means noisy ghost.

Well, how did you know
what kind of books I'm--?

You're Mr. Powell, aren't you?
Yes, ma'am.

Well, most people usually
come here a few minutes

after they've arrived
at Twitchell house, and a--

So I like
to keep the stack ready.

Of course some people
just get into their car

and it'sarrivederci.

( laughing ):
Yeah.

Have they done much damage yet?
Who?

The ghosts.
Look, Miss--

Weems. Carol Weems.

I'm unmarried.

Well, congratulations.
I mean--

You're an attractive man,
and with Jenny so eager

and Felicity so deprived,

well, ghost or not,
they're still female.

If you know what I mean.
I don't know what you mean.

I mean, I do know what you mean,
but I don't believe in ghosts.

Men walk around in space

with plastic umbilical cords
in their navels.

What's a ghost
compared to that?

Look, miss,
there's a big difference

between a ghost and a man
with a plastic navel.

Don't be afraid to believe
in ghosts, Mr. Powell.

I'm not afraid to believe
in anything.

I didn't intend to put you
on the defensive.

If you just take
these books

and go over to one
of those tables over there

and just glance through them.
Thank you.

And when you're finished
with those,

I'll give you another batch.
You mean there's more?

Thank you.

Ghosts up your chimney?

Mr. Powell,
isn't Steve with you?

Huh?

It's my older sister,
Carol.

She'll probably wind up
marrying an encyclopedia.

I expected Steve
to be with you.

Well, he promised
to be with me, yes.

Okay, bye.

Hi. I was waiting for you.

Oh? How come?

Felicity told me
that you and your father

were driving to the library.
She's got a big mouth.

Yeah. Well, Dad agreed
to read up on ghosts

but frankly,
I don't think it'll help.

My parents never accept
anything that I say.

I know. But they're all the
same. What can we do with them?

We're stuck with them.
Yeah.

Priscilla, how do I get
my folks to believe?

I don't know,
but they better latch on soon

or something might happen.
You mean they're in danger?

Jenny drowned Captain Pederson.
I think she liked him.

But what have the ghosts got
against my father and mother?

Ghosts are only
dead people.

A psychopath is a psychopath,
in or out of the coffin.

I certainly don't want anything
to happen to my parents.

Spooks, poltergeists.

Flying objects?
Because it's 6

I'll have the other books
ready for you when you return.

Well, I'm not about--
I've converted others.

Well, I'm afraid--
All you need is an open mind.

The right frame of mind

is so important
for so many things.

Don't you agree?

( dramatic theme playing )

Steve?

Mother, I'll have
a dietetic anything.

( jazz music playing )

Beer.

Beat it, kid.

Kid? Anybody who sees ghosts
is no longer a kid.

You've seen them,
I can tell.

You're aging
right before my eyes.

Give him his beer, Mother.
He's an old man.

Look, I can get into trouble
if--

If your kids saw ghosts,

wouldn't you help them out,
you big slob?

For the legal record,
how old are you, sir?

Forty-two.

If your folks
could see a ghost,

then they'd know
they're in danger

and they'd get out.

Would Felicity come
to a party at my house

if I invited her?

Only if there are men
of the sea there.

She's got this thing
about sailors

because of Ebenezer.

Well, that's it then.

I'll have my folks throw

a surprise masquerade party
for my birthday.

Real heavy on the sea costumes.
Brilliant.

And it would be very diplomatic
if I could tell Felicity

that you're going to buy her
all those little items

that she asked for.
It's a deal.

Are you
out of your mind?

I'm making a citizen's arrest
right here.

But he said he was 42.

He said he's 42?
I'm his father.

I'm not 42.

Well, I've got witnesses.

Gotta go, Priscilla.
You bet you've gotta go.

Come on.
Serving a minor.

( door creaking open,
wind howling )

( suspenseful theme
playing )

( gasps )

I didn't mean to frighten you.
( sighs )

This silly ghost talk
of Steve's

has me right on the edge.

I just wanted to know if I could
call a long distance to Boston.

Oh, of course you may,
my dear.

Mom. Hey, Mom.

Mom, you're throwing me
a surprise masquerade party

for my birthday.

And I want everybody
to wear sailor outfits.

I mean, real Treasure Island
stuff, okay?

Well, if that's
what you want, Steve.

And invite all of your friends
from New York.

Especially bachelors.

Oh, you mean bachelors
your age?

No, no, no.
I mean real bachelors.

Guys with that look
in their eyes, you know.

But Steve, I--
Kate, what's the difference?

The main thing
is Steve's gonna start

to cooperate with us,

and we can start enjoying
our summer, right?

Right. I'll be back
in a few minutes.

Oh, but lunch is almost ready.
Oh, no, no.

I've gotta go
pick some daisies. Bye.

Pick some daisies?
Masquerade party?

Isn't he acting strangely?

With him,
how can you tell?

Well, did you learn anything
at the library?

Yeah.
I learned one thing.

There ain't no such thing
as ghosts.

Oh.

And from now on,
no more cooking in.

From now on,
we're eating out.

Well, it's nice to see you
in such a good mood.

How about I mix us
a couple of drinks?

Mm-hm.

Hey, got a great idea.

Let's invite my boss
to the party.

I'll let him fire me
face-to-face.

Then I'll shove him
off the cliff.

( chuckling )

Yeah? You insurance boys
are all the same.

You like to pull it in,
but you hate to shell out.

Yeah, I know about that.

That Steve's
a changed boy.

Now don't tell me.
I'm telling you.

And if you come to the party,
Felicity dear,

Steve will buy you
those feminine items

that you wanted.

Gift wrapped.

Don't give me any
of that bourgeois, sonny.

You pay somebody's claim
then you turn around

and raise somebody
else's rates.

So two yachts sank
in two days.

Is it my fault
that the ship builders

are building boats
out of soda crackers today?

Kate, were you
in the living room?

When?
Never mind.

I have to go back
into town.

Well, what about lunch?

I forgot something.

You threatening me, sonny?

I'll buy your whole
company and--

Yeah, the same
to you, sonny.

Yeah?
And so is your old man.

And earrings
that sparkle.

And five-day deodorant.

( upbeat theme playing )

( car horn honking )
( tires screeching )

I think I'll buy me
an insurance company.

Those guys got it made.

( laughs )

Lunch will be ready
in just a minute.

Well, just holler.

I'm going out to my truck
to get that guarantee

for yesterday's yacht.

( suspenseful theme
playing )

( door creaking,
wind humming )

( wind humming )

( female voice moaning )

( gasps )

( gasps )

( moaning )

( swooshing )

( screaming )

Kate!

Fill her up, Mother.

Have one yourself.
You need it.

( dramatic theme playing )

( chuckles )

I told you about
the Twitchell house, didn't I?

There will never be peace
in that house

until Felicity finds a man.

Thus freeing
Jenny and Ebenezer.

Don't fight it, Ben.

Accept the inevitable.

I hope these local quacks
went to regular medical school.

And just didn't phone in

for some
cockamamy certificate.

What I can't figure out
is where that tunnel leads to.

Probably the cove.

Well, where did all that
colored smoke come from?

Sunshine playing tricks
with the dust down there.

And the lights went out

because the wiring
in that museum

is as antiquated
as privies.

All right. How did the door
close by itself?

Drafty cellar.

Kate, one thing
I've learned in life:

Everything has an answer.

And if it hasn't,
you can buy one.

I suppose.
But what about the knife?

Yes.
You dig deep enough,

you find reasons
for everything.

( mysterious theme playing )

Adultery? What makes you say
a thing like adultery?

Well, you see, a long time ago,
this Felicity dame--

I mean, she was a real dog,
you know.

Well, anyway, on her honeymoon,
this Ebenezer cat went--

Now, Steve. I called you in here
for a very important talk.

You know, man-to-man stuff.

Yeah, but gee, Dad, we learned
all about that stuff in school,

so you don't have to bother--
Steve.

Look, let's pretend
like I'm not your father.

Say, I'm a complete stranger.

Somebody that you listen to.

That's called sarcasm,
isn't it, Dad?

That's right.
That's sarcasm.

Now, I think I saw something
in that mirror today.

Dad, you believe!
I said I think.

Now, I don't wanna say anything
about this to your mother

because I don't wanna
frighten her.

We won't tell her about
my inviting the ghosts.

Good, don't tell her
about inviting any g--

What did you say?

Well, gee, Dad. I invited
this frustrated virgin ghost

Felicity to the party
so you could see her.

Steve, how do you invite
a ghost anywhere?

Well, you see, Priscilla
tunes them in at the graves.

And then throw daisies
all around.

Then she chants and we all--
Steve, never mind.

You just point out
this Felicity,

this virgin ghost,

you point her out to me
at the party.

And if I see her, I promise you
we'll leave here

quicker than my boss
could fire me.

Groovy.

You didn't hear
what I said.

Fire me. Never mind.

Here, let me help you.
You'll be all right.

BEN: What happened?
STEVE: Are you okay, Mom?

Yes, I'm all right, dear.
I just bumped my head.

She fell in the cellar.

Did you take her
to a doctor?

Well, somebody had to.
I'm sorry

I couldn't be there
to help you, sweetheart.

Oh, that's all right.
You were probably busy in town.

Tonight we'll find
the best restaurant.

I don't feel like
going out tonight, thank you.

Kate. I'm really worried
about your head.

I think my head
is just beginning to clear.

Is anything wrong?

( phone rings )

I'll get it.

( phone ringing )

Hello?

Oh, hello, Carol.

( chuckles )

Priscilla told me

that your son invited Felicity
to his party.

Yes, and I'd like that
to be our little secret.

And that discussion at Mother's
helped me

make up my mind
about quite a few things.

Oh, and I'd feel better
if you'd come to the party.

I think that's very wise

because I know what
Felicity looks like

and I can point her out
to you.

Oh, you understand
that my wife

is to know nothing
about this?

Thank you. Bye.

( upbeat theme playing )

( doorknob rattling )

Kate? Kate.

I'm resting.

That's a good idea.
Do you have anything to read?

I could always run back
to the library?

That won't be necessary.

High-gloss lacquer
deodorant spray?

It has a five-day
guarantee, right?

It certainly does.
It takes five days

and a pint of turpentine
to scrape it off.

We haven't carried it
for years.

Oh.

I'm told it was
an immediate failure

until the farmers
started buying it

to spray livestock.

Well, I'll have
that nifty-looking one

over there instead,
okay?

Oh, and some bright red
Tujour lipstick,

Ooh La La perfume number 3.

and Kiss Me Quick
nail polish.

Those items are so ancient,

I didn't think anyone
under 90 remembered them.

Who are they for?

Well, you might say they're
for an old-fashioned girl.

He bought all that?

Yeah, yeah,
it's all right to charge it.

Is this sheer enough?

Is this the sexiest number
you've got?

Just a moment please.
I think I better have

one of our younger
salespeople help you.

Operator, I wanna speak
person to person

to the psychologist
at E-Z Flush Incorporated

in Dubuque.

No, I don't know his name.

Just ask
for the house headshrinker.

Hmm.

All right, Mr. Himer.

You won't be needing that
that any longer.

There we are.

Uh-huh.

Mr. Himer,
when you were a child,

you used to carry a blanket
with you around the house.

You didn't?

Mm-hm.

Well, did you ever, uh--?

( phone ringing )

I'll be right back.

Hmm. Right.

Dr. Frieden speaking.
May I please call you back?

Mr. Merkimmer
who owns the, uh--?

Ah, yes, yes, yes.
Please put him on.

Mr. Merkimmer.
I never had the pleasure of--

UNCLE GEORGE ( over phone ):
Shut up and listen.

Ah-ha.

What would you make of a boy
going on 16

that buys lipstick
and nail polish

and perfume
and night gowns?

Well, sir, is he buying
these feminine items

for a young lady
or for himself?

Just between you and me,
that's what I wanna find out.

Any particular shade
of nail polish?

( upbeat theme playing )

Don't look too surprised.

There are about seven
of us so far.

( laughs )

I'm Mr. Frieden.
Oh.

Mr. Merkimmer invited me.

Well, any friend
of Uncle George is--

I know.
Is a friend of yours.

Not necessarily.
Come on in.

Right. Thanks.

Uncle George,
your friend.

How do you do?

Mr. Frieden from Dubuque.

Oh, hello, Leon.
How are you?

My name isn't Leon.
Shut up.

That's the boy
over there.

Ah-ha.

Don't let him know
who you are

or you can forget about
your old-age pension, Leon.

Uh-huh.

Steve, did you see
anything?

No, no, not yet, Dad.

Look, when I point out Felicity
to you, don't get scared,

because, you know,
she's just an--

Oh, Mr. Frieden.

This is Steve,
the birthday boy.

How do you do?
Steve.

Mr. Frieden is a friend
of Uncle George.

Oh.
I-- You have to excuse me now.

I want to see
what's keeping your mother.

Oh, yeah. Ahem.

Well, happy birthday.
Thank you.

I'm sorry, I didn't
bring you a present.

Oh, well, that's okay.

Who wants presents
on their birthday, anyway?

Steve, I intend
to send you a gift.

Are you partial
to anything in particular?

Well, like what?

Well, what sort of thing
appeal to you?

Footballs?
Yeah.

Basketballs?

Perfume?

Nail polish?

Boy, I didn't know Uncle George
knew any guys like you.

( dramatic theme playing )

Kate, you look
absolutely beautiful.

So do you.

Kate, is there anything wrong?
I mean, you've been so--

( doorbell rings )

Excuse me.

Carol. Come on in.
Gosh, you're dressed--

Just like my wife.

She took a nasty fall
recently.

But come on in and keep an eye
out for you-know-what.

Jenny, will you give back
my hat?

I'll get it.

( upbeat theme playing )

( doorbell rings )

Well, you sure do look
swell, Priscilla.

Well, come on, I've gotta
show you the presents site

I got for Felicity.

Well, I just hope Felicity
likes all this stuff.

Here's the deodorant.

It's not what she wanted,
but it's pretty good.

Stockings, more stockings,

perfume, lipstick, um--

Here's the negli-- Negli--

Priscilla.
No, no, Priscilla.

Look, you know,
I'm 16 today, Priscilla.

And you're just not
fooling around

with a kid or anything,
you know?

Priscilla.

Priscilla.

Priscilla,
you shouldn't.

Priscilla.

Priscilla. No.

Priscilla.

Priscilla.

Have you seen
any ghosts yet?

Keep looking.

Have you seen Leon?

It's hard to recognize
us pirates without a nametag.

You wanna see Leon?
Yup.

Uncle George wants
to see you, Leon.

Hey, Leon.

My name isn't Leon.
It's--

Oh. Oh, Leon. Yeah.
That's right.

Yes, Leon.
Thank you, thank you.

Ah.

I understand
you wanted to see me.

Is the boy gonna grow up
to be a marine or a whack?

Well, I haven't had
enough time to determine.

Listen here, sonny.

I flew you clear across
the country to do a job.

Not to live it up.

Yes, sir. Yes, uh--

Yeah. Thanks, yes, sir.

Pardon me, could you tell me
where young Steve is?

( wind whistling )

( doorbell ringing )

( whistling )

Happy birthday.

Hey, for me?
Thanks, Miles.

Why don't you get yourself
some junk to eat?

Okay.

Well, how did you change
your costume so quickly?

You know, in my room,
you were wearing the blue with--

You weren't in my room?

You--?

Well, then you and me,
we--?

We didn't--?

Oh.

( gulps )

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

What's on your mind,
sailor?

She's a ghost.
Aren't you?

Kids. You never know
what they're gonna say next.

( laughing )

Well, she is a ghost.

Keep your eye on her.

Dad.

Felicity's here.

Felicity?
Where? Where?

Well, she's talking
to Uncle George.

That's Mary Ambrosh,
the hairdresser's wife.

Felicity just went through
the front door.

Can I speak to your father
a minute, please?

Look, you stay away
from my father.

Excuse me.

May I talk to you
man to man for a minute?

I just had
the strangest experience.

There was this girl.
Very attractive, blond type.

And we were behind the tree.

One minute she was there,
and then suddenly--

Kate, it's a lovely
birthday party.

You seem to be having
a good time.

Oh, come on.

I have to speak to you.
Leon, not now.

Keep Steve handy.

I have a little present
for him.

I hope it's money.

You wouldn't have said that
if you were sober.

It's up in my room.

You know what your Uncle George
has been up to?

Tell her, Leon.

Mr. Merkimmer--
Never mind.

Where is he?
He's "upshtairs."

And I know
I said "shtairs."

Shtairs.

Oh, Carol, honey.

Have you read any good
dirty books lately?

( Uncle George groaning )

Okay.

Take it easy.

I'll get you.

( groaning )

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, you--

Okay.

What happened?

I'm changing my will
tomorrow.

You think I had anything
to do with this?

You mean to tell me
you didn't sneak up

and grab me from behind?

I strung you up
and then I pulled you down?

Who knows what a sick mind
is capable of doing?

Why don't you ask
your Dr. Leon?

Yeah, that boy of yours.

Look, my wife and I will decide
if Steve needs anything.

He's got more problems
than you think.

You're the one
with the problems.

Just because you're the head
of E-Z Flush

doesn't make you
the head of my family.

I warned Kate
not to marry a loser.

What do you know
about marriage,

you walking
safety-deposit box?

You know so much
about marriage,

why don't you
get married yourself?

Well, because I--
Because you're afraid

they were after your piggy bank,
not your sweet disposition.

Hmm.

Hey, I think maybe we didn't
throw enough daisies?

Hi.

How are things
in ghost land?

Gee, I hope you like
the presents, ma'am.

That deodorant goop
isn't exactly what you wanted,

but it's still
pretty powerful.

Why are you
in such a hurry?

Wouldn't you like to stay
and listen to some records?

Go get my father, quick.

I wish you'd stay.

My parents are dying
to meet you.

Mr. Powell, quick.

Felicity is in Steve's
bedroom.

Tell your sister
I wanna see her right away.

Okay.

Uh, see you later,
sweetheart.

Mrs. Powell--
Oh, Carol.

Carol dear.

My husband wants you,
you librarian.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, what do you think
you're doing?

No, you've gotta wait
for my dad to see you.

( creaking )

STEVE:
No, please, wait!

Steve?
STEVE: Don't come down, Mom!

KATE: Steve?
STEVE: Look out, Ma.

She's got a cleaver!

KATE:
Steve.

Kate.
Kate, you all right?

STEVE:
Dad, she's getting away!

My son talks
to empty cellars.

And he throws meat cleavers
at his mother.

Sweetheart, believe me,

you're taking all this
too seriously.

Believe me--
Dad, will you please?

Making out at a time
like this?

You and that sexy bookworm.
Playing right--

What playing? There was nothing
between us.

That was all
that ghost business.

Believe me.

Sweetheart,
I love only you.

I love you.
Don't you understand that?

All you had to do
was look.

I know you wouldn't see her.
I just knew it.

Making out on the stairs.

( laughing )

Making out.

( both laughing )

Lovely evening
for shopping?

May I?

Would you care to come
for a walk?

Ah, that's right, honey.

I don't have a penny
to my name.

But all the same--

( Uncle George screaming )

( glasses break )

Mr. Merkimmer,
you just fell!

You're standing
on nothing.

Ah!

(Screaming)

( romantic theme playing )

How did you like
the party?

Everybody stayed late.
Mmm.

( both laugh )

Hey, have you seen
Uncle George anywhere?

No.

I said some
pretty rough things to him.

You know, I think
we'd all be happier

if we left
this house tonight.

Mmm.

I think it would be better
if we left in the morning.

Wouldn't hurt.
Wouldn't hurt.

( truck engine starts )

Hey, that's Uncle George's
truck.

Uncle George! Uncle George!

Gee, he left in a hurry.

( upbeat theme playing )

Steve, um,
we were thinking

maybe you'd like to drive
part of the way home?

But I haven't taken
my driver's test yet.

Well, you've been telling us
you know how to drive.

Why should you take my word
for it all of a sudden?

You never believe
anything I say.

Your mother and I,

we've had a lot
on our minds lately and--

Well, you're 16 now.
Practically a man.

I am sorry
I yelled at you.

Steve, there's so much noise
in the world today

sometimes a fella
has to yell.

Just to be heard.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, my boss didn't show up
at the party.

So if he fires me,
I think I'll quit.

( all laugh )

There are other jobs.
Yeah.

What would we do if Mom
inherited a barrel of dollars

from Uncle George?

You mean if he isn't changing
his will at this minute?

I think the first thing we'd do
is buy you a car, Steve.

And then we'd take a trip
to Europe.

Hey, we could go
to Ireland.

They're loaded with ghosts,
you know.

Oh.
Oh.

Hey, keep your eye
on the road!

Oh. Sorry, Dad.
I really am.

Uh, I didn't mean
to raise my voice, Steve.

Forget it.

( Kreator's "Willing Spirit"
playing )