The Social Ones (2019) - full transcript

A mockumentary that explores the lives and anxieties of a group of social media influencers.

I just love
what you did here.

You know, just blowing
the background out

and keeping her in focus.

It really makes
a statement I think.

And we'll do it
in black and white.

Like a whole monochrome thing.

I think all we need
now is a really strong lead in.

Something on the, uh...
light side, though.

Because this is very
kind of powerful,

- already overwhelming.
- We don't want it be too heavy.

- We talked about that.
- Sorry. Sorry I'm late.

- Oh, God! Fabulous.
- Thank you.

So raw. It's like I can see who
she is just from the photograph.

Mm-hm. Like right there
it's like her soul.

- And I'm just looking into it.
- They're never the same

after their first big story, the
innocence is gone after that.

She hasn't been innocent since
she got to four million

Instagram followers.

I love what you do
with her eyes.

'Cause she has such
beautiful lashes, you know?

It's what her
following loves her for.

It's what she's known for.

and her overbite.

Which I think was so perfect
for this setup.

¶ Somebody once told me
the world is gonna roll me ¶

¶ I ain't the sharpest
tool in the shed ¶

¶ She was looking kind of dumb
with her finger ¶

¶ And her thumb in the shape
of an "L" on her forehead ¶

¶ Well, the years start coming
and they don't stop coming ¶

¶ Fed to the rules
and I hit the ground running ¶

¶ Didn't make sense not
to live for fun ¶

¶ Your brain gets smart
but your head gets dumb ¶

¶ So much to do
So much to see ¶

¶ So what's wrong
with taking the back streets? ¶

¶ You'll never know
if you don't go ¶

¶ You'll never shine
if you don't glow ¶

¶ Hey now, you're an all-star ¶

¶ Get your game on, go play ¶

¶ Hey now, you're a rock star ¶

¶ Get the show on
Get paid ¶

¶ And all that glitters
is gold ¶

¶ Only shooting stars
break the mold ¶

¶ It's a cool place
and they say it gets colder ¶

¶ You're bundled up now
Wait till you get older ¶

¶ But the meteor men beg
to differ ¶

¶ Judging by the hole
in the satellite picture ¶

¶ The ice we skate
is getting pretty thin ¶

¶ The water's getting warm
so you might as well swim ¶

¶ My world's on fire
How about yours? ¶

¶ That's the way I like it
and I'll never get bored ¶

¶ Hey now, you're an all-star ¶

¶ Get your game on, go play ¶

¶ Hey now, you're a rock star ¶

¶ Get the show on
Get paid ¶

¶ And all that glitters
is gold ¶

¶ Only shooting stars
break the mold ¶

The National Influencer
is really the Vanity Fair

or the People magazine
for the modern day celebrity.

Celebrity obviously meaning
people with large

- social media followings.
- Mm-hm.

Someone does a lip synch number
with their family.

Um, gets a million views
on YouTube.

Someone manages to, you know,
light themselves on fire.

Not quite get hurt,
yet have it go viral.

- That was a great spread.
- Yeah, The National Influencer

- went public after that one.
- Yeah. It did.

And we're the ones
who break those stories,

who cover those stories
and those characters.

It's so important
those stories are told.

Absolutely. And we're proud
to be going on five years here

at The National Influencer.

Um, and we're currently
in the midst of working

on our fifth anniversary issue
which we're very excited about.

Yeah. Fifi the Frenchie

was really just
the Cinderella story,

you know, of the issue.
She's the up and comer.

- Where did she come from?
- And she's only

at four million
Instagram followers.

But you know numbers
aren't everything.

No, we don't hold that
against her.

- No, we like an underdog.
- And the pun

was good for the story as well.

Fifi's involvement
was so important

because it really just
humanizes the issue.

Um, that being said,
Fifi did not make the cover

of the anniversary issue
because the cover

of the anniversary issue
are the real stars of the show.

It'll be the top five
social media influencers,

all who have over
ten million followers.

So, you know, get ready,
hold on to your hats, yeah.

I'll be doing the shoot,

And I plan it to be very
Annie Liebovitz style.

- Yeah.
- It'll be obviously

group photo shoot
with these five influencers.

Mm-hm. We're calling them
the Social Ones.

And our goal, you know,

is to just kind of peel back
the layers

on these five sages,
so to speak.

There's so much more
to them than meets the eye.

- So much more.
- And the iPhone.

There's Dan Summers,
the king of Snapchat.

Hey, y'all.
Top of that tree in ten seconds.

I know I have 60 seconds
for this snap,

but I'll do it in ten.

Brenda, start the timer.
Let's do it.

Come on!

Oh! Whoa!

Yo, it's silk.
It's 100 percent silk,

so I'm just flying, that's all.
Let's get it.

My grippies, grippies!
Come on!

Twenty-five million

It's hard to really explain
what he does.

He's just Dan Summers.


Cut it, that one's good though.

That one's high.

And then there's the
fashion Instagram star, JosieZ.

Wow. Incredible.

What is this look,
45 for today?

It's actually 43.

- There she is.
- It looks so--

- There she is.
- Probably looks so good.

- Just get down there.
- Yeah.

- Whoa!
- I like that.

Probably a little better if I
was doing it, though. Right?

- No.
- Just completely on the pulse

- of couture.
- Completely.

Uh, Dixie Bell, who is
the goddess of viral food.

Yes, Instagram, yes!

Want that ready for YouTube
in two minutes!

Okay. We talked
about this yesterday.

And the day before.
If you do not understand

how to combine a deep dish pizza
and a donut

to make a beautiful
hybrid dessert...

I don't know how to talk to you.

I don't know how to talk to her!

- No vision!
- Making quick food images

and videos shareable and viral
is her expertise.

Yeah. Completely. And then
there's the vlogger, Jane Zap.

She has a good presence
on Facebook.

What? This is a bowtie?

Uh, we need a blazer
and some pants.

This is just so unrealistic for
a red carpet Instagram event.

I'm just--
I'm just not really sure...

Um, hey, Karen? Do we have any
other options for Clementine?

He looks like he's going
to the gym.

It's not always clear
what her angle is,

but her photos and videos
of animals

dressed in costume
always get great engagements.

Uh, and last
but certainly not least,

the meme god, Kap Phat Jawacki,

with 19 million
Instagram followers.

Me sending a new meme
out into the world.

How will the people
be impacted?

It's always a roll
of the dice.


What a get for this issue.
He is just so versatile.

He's not just
a meme god anymore.

He's completely expanded
his brand.

He's the new face
of Clinique now.

- No? Wow.
- And Pampers.

What you're doing on social
media is who you are.

- That's you.
- I could not have put it better.

You hit the nail on the head.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Engagement. It doesn't
mean marriage anymore.

- No, not in the slightest.
- What does it mean?

- It means shares, views, reach.
- Likes.

- Horse likes.
- Comments.

- Even negative comments.
- Any comment will do really.

Even a letter. We don't know how
these influencers do it.

These are the gods of today,

These are the 21st century

and that's why we've been
telling their stories

for five years now.

What do you say to a guy with
19 million Instagram followers?

Where do you even begin?
It would be a bit like

casually approaching Gandhi
at a dinner party.

What's the icebreaker
with someone like that?

Someone like Kap Phat
Jawacki has a way

of Instagramming
where the Instagram just

becomes immortal.

They're modern day poets.

And there have definitely been
one too many times

where, you know,
episodes do happen for me.

- Anxiety attacks.
- They're not quite

anxiety attacks, just more like
30 minutes or so at a time

where I can't breathe or I feel
like I'm gonna die

or there's an elephant
kind of just sitting flush

on my chest
and he's not getting up.

Anxiety attacks.
As we covered more people,

you've gotten more comfortable.
She's gotten more comfortable.

It's true. I mean, how do you
get to Carnegie Hall?

After five years, the elephant's
become more like, you know,

kind of a hippo
or a small Buick.

- Right, you said that last time.
- So that's an improvement.

We do always bring Xanax
to shoots with us now.

- Miracle stuff.
- Yeah.

Um, but this group photo shoot

is set to be
our biggest story yet.

All of these influencers
will be...

- Mm-hm.
- the same place...

- Mm.
- the same time,

Come April 10th.
And we are prepared for that.

- Right? Um...
- Yeah.

- We've even been--
- Excuse me.

Just... just need
to get a snack.

We've even brought on experts,

on the periphery of social media

to be part
of the anniversary issue.

Just as to give all
of this context.

People say social media is fast,
but its history,

its ten to 20 year history
is in fact slow.

What I'm here to do
is break down the theory

behind being, as they say,

on the world wide...
on the world wide web.

Now, we've grasped
what a "like" is.

But can anyone tell me
what... is...

a... share?



Well, it is true that I haven't
had as much time

as I'd like to...
to build my own followings.

I certainly am an expert
in social media theory.

They've not yet awarded
doctorates for the subject.

But if they did,
I would no doubt have one.

A, uh... a PhD.

I actually preemptively asked
friends and students

and colleagues to call me
Dr. Schpelnick,

just take your questions
to the doc.

I'll show you this function.
Press the home button

and the power off
at the same time.

You got a screenshot.

What I really care about
is what I'm teaching...

these kids.
They need me.

All I can do
is give them the tools.

After that, it's, uh...
it's up to them.

Don't forget that fashion can
also take nature into account.

See that? Wingtips.

Oil is our enemy.

You wanna have everything
be completely matte.

Most meditation practices say
"tune out, shut off,

don't let anything come inside."
I say no.

I say let it all in,
because if your phone rings,

you gotta know.

I don't know what people mean
when they say

you have to do crazy things
to get followers.

You just have to be
your authentic self.

That's what social media's
all about.

What would you normally wear
on any given day?

What do you throw on?

You know, what would you do
on any given day?

This is as high as it goes.
Fashion beats range of motion.

That's what you wanna chronicle.

Your followers will know if
you're not being real with them.

I'm gonna lay here, and then
this shot needs to be up

from a window, higher up,
like fourth story at least.

- Up there.
- My nose job is fresh.

I know how I want it to look.
It needs to be an aerial view.

Sure. Just that window,
right up there, huh?

Benjamin, I hear hesitation
in your voice.

- Oh, no...
- And when you hesitate,

I hesitate because
you're hesitating.

Okay! Scale away, Spiderman!

Ever since my last intern
shattered both her collar bones

while she was shimmying up
a fire escape,

clumsy gal, I make all of them
sign waivers

before they start working
with me.

Because they may look sturdy,
but they may not be.

It's not that I don't care
about their bones

or their bodies

or that I'm deliberately putting
them in danger.

I would never do that.

So there's got to be
a way we can get the shot

from inside of the oven
shooting out.

So it's like
I've just baked something

and I'm pulling it
out of the oven.

It's the food's point of view.

I wanna see
what my pie is seeing.

- So just...
- In the oven.

Okay. Sure.

If they want to live the life,

if they want to have
in the thousands of followers,

then they need to learn from me.

They need to follow my lead.

I consider my internship
with Josie

to be the single best thing
that has ever happened to me.

- So... thank you so much.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- Stop it.

I started
an Instagram story series

following the progression
of my arms and hands.

The recovery.

- So every morning, I...
- Okay, let's take it...

I peel the bandages off

- Pick up the pace.
- And then I take photos

and videos and people
are just loving it.

- It's disgusting!
- But it is very shareable.

- My--
- Tell them what your follow

account is up to. Remind me.
Tell them.

Since the burn series,
I'm at about 11,000 followers

- on Instagram.
- Eleven thousand.

When he first started with me,
he was at 11.

And six of them were bots.

Ow! Ow! Ooh!

Think of how many followers
he'll have

when he can use
his hands again.

Uh, yeah, cross my fingers,
you know,

it'll be about six months
and it'll just be...

- back to normal.
- I'll cross 'em for you, Ben,

'cause you can't.

But Ben, it's more like a year,
maybe two.

The doctor did say it could be
two full years like this.

So we've developed a special
selfie contraption

so we can keep posting
to my social outlets.

Content does not sleep.

We can't post less
due to some skin grafts.

Unbelievable! Let's go over
to black and white now!

- Do I need more contouring?
- God, no, your cheek bones

look incredible,
like they could cut steel!

Cut steel.
That would collapse a building.

- Yeah.
- Get closer.

Closer. Closer.
A little closer.

A little closer.

That's where my audience
wants me to be.

Nose to nose.

Yo, this moss is really
susceptible to moonwalking.

The biggest star of our
anniversary group cover shoot

is, no doubt, Dan Summers.


Master Snapchatter.

Also has a crazy
YouTube presence.

He is just completely dedicated
to his craft.


But-- Fuck, man.


Yo, Brendan, they didn't explode
like you said they would, but...

Just coming to you from my
neighbor, Mr. Radley's, house.

I'm gonna juggle in his house
while convincing Mr. Radley

there's a fire in his home!
There's a fire in your house!

Oh, my God!
Oh, people are dying out here!

He's like 90 years old!

The coolest way to improve your English
?0?4\_(??)_/?0?4 ?0?4\_(??)_/?0?4


- Dan, hi.
- Hi.

- Huge, huge fan.
- Oh!

Your most recent YouTube video
where you sat on the couch

and, um, oh, God!
In real time,

reacted to videos of other
people doing extreme sports

was... oh!
It was genius.

- Thanks.
- I mean, I don't know how

you come up with stuff like
that because, you know,

I myself am also
a content creator.

- So when I try to create--
- Andy!

- Yeah?
- I need you to post the tweet

- about the stylist.
- Okay. I will.

- So, um, when I try to--
- Now, please.

Hold that thought.
I will be right back.

What the...


You are arguably
one of the biggest

Snapchat celebrities.
What's the definition

- of good content for you?
- Unique.

And what would your advice be
to those trying

to create great content
on social media?


Could you elaborate on that,

Dan doesn't provide more
than one word answers,

unless it's on social media.

In the worst case, he'll give
an answer that's exactly

60 seconds long.

That's the maximum length
of a Snapchat video,

but that's more
for philanthropic

or political issues.

Issues he truly cares about,
or real life encounters.

Life or death situations
and stuff like that.

Like serious situations.

No, literally life or death.

Uh, Dan was mugged
at gunpoint last year,

and only exchanged 11 words
with his mugger.

He Snapchatted the whole
experience, of course.

I'll be in the back.


do you have a second

favorite social platform?
Instagram, maybe?

Do you like Instagram?


was told I was not gonna
be asked about Instagram.

- Dan doesn't--
- Yeah, I don't talk...

about Instagram!


Do your fucking job!

My mom was right about you!

That stories bullshit?

Where you think
they got it from?

From me!

Fuck, man!

Fuck Instagram!

Fuck Instagram!

Fuck Instagram.

You simply can't ask
a social media influencer

about a following they're not
as strong in.

If a person has two million
Snapchat followers,

but a million on Instagram,

that isn't something they're
going to want to discuss,

or even share for that matter.

I've seen the case many times.

It all happens right here
in the cerebral cortex,

in this point
in the frontal lobe.

This is where emotions,

and planning are associated.

And when a person has stress
or anxiety about

a low Pinterest following
or negative comment on Facebook,

well, that activity,
it happens right here.

And when a person has a
significantly weaker following

on one platform,
it creates a kind of frenzy

that moves throughout
the frontal lobe.

It can lead to anything.

Anxiety, depression.

I've seen it lead
to hospitalization.

The point is, you have to know
these people's follower counts

before you interact with them.
It's crucial.

And I would give this advice
to anyone who's

in the same building
as an influencer.

It's an entirely different

dealing with these people.

You have to be sensitive.
You have to take care.

We've been a bit stressed
because no one has heard

from Dan Summers.

- He officially stopped snapping.
- Eleven hours ago.

- Wild, wild stuff. Yeah.
- Basically stopped.

Um, so as you can imagine,
we're in the midst

of some contingency planning
here at the magazine.

I'd say a lot
of contingency planning. Yeah.

- Has he done this before?
- Only when he was, you know,

protesting the length
of a Snapchat being extended

from ten seconds to 60 seconds.

But then he was still posting
ten second videos on YouTube

- every ten seconds.
- The ten on ten wave.

He really moved
the needle there.

- Hey, Andy?
- Yeah?

What's next
on the Instagram queue?

Todd... ler.

I need more information
than that.

There have been like 11 toddler
memes this week.

- Why...
- What am I missing here?

He's trying to do that
one word answer thing

- that Dan Summers did.
- Is that supposed

to be commemorative?
I don't...

And also writing
the sentence down

is exactly the same thing as
speaking it out of your mouth.

- Yes, it is.
- You're giving me anxiety

which is a very easy thing
to do, but still.

Leave. Exit. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, so is texting it
to my phone.

Texting it to my phone
is the same thing

as writing it down.
News alert.

You're officially fired.
Oh. Okay.

No, it's, uh... it's
a Dan Summers news alert.

- And? And? And?
- Um, well, he...

he sort of checked himself
into a hos--

- Oh! Oh, God!
- It's the one upstate.

- They have Pilates.
- Yep.

This is very disconcerting!
Very disconcerting!


Rob is very sensitive
about our interview subjects.

Yeah. There was... an incident
a few years ago.

- Yeah.
- We're not supposed

to talk about it,
we don't go into it.

- Exactly.
- Injunctions of any kind

are hard when you're trying
to run a publication.

- Is this not talking about it?
- Just the detail.

Side note. Great.

Anyways, we don't wanna be
responsible for driving

- anyone insane.
- No. Especially someone

with 25 million
Snapchat followers.

- They have a responsibility.
- Yeah.

Uh, so once the dust settled,
we went to see Dan

after he got out
of the hospital.

He's living
with his mom temporarily.

Doing very well. Um...

He's been off Snapchat
for a full week now.

But doing well.


Wow. A CD player.

How retro.

It's true, I really loved
those growing up.

I didn't love those growing up.

I always use the word "retro"
when I see something

- I haven't seen before.
- She does.

So listen. I know we
didn't quite get what we needed

- for your individual story.
- This would be...

a very interesting angle.

We would still love for you
to be part of the group shoot.

Right? I think it wouldn't
be the same without you.

- She speaks for both of us.
- Mm-hm. I do.

We talked to your mom
upstairs, and, uh,

told her all the details,
the shoot's in two weeks.

She's gonna, you know,
drive you.

And, um, until then, you know...

you... you just
take some you time.

Or, uh...

whatever-- whatever it is
that you need to do.

It's very common after
an influencer experiences

a breakdown for he or she
to procure

a very serious case of AND.

What we in
the mental health space call it,

it's Acute Nostalgia Disorder.

And the subject can revert back
to a time

where he or she thinks is...

things are slower,
things are simpler.

And that can manifest itself
in a variety

of really disturbing behaviors.

Anything from playing Mario Kart
all day

to going to arcades,

buying DVD players,

searching for the last remaining
Blockbuster video store.

Sometimes the subjects have
physical posters in their rooms

of '90s boy bands.

Anything from NSYNC
to Backstreet Boys.

And in the more serious cases,
98 Degrees.

Does it make you angry?
Does it make you sad

to think about a time that might
have been... better than now?

I don't know,
just like a douche.

It makes you feel like a douche.

- Yeah.
- We have 42 minutes left

in our session.

We can talk about
anything you like.

I'd like to talk about...

- Flashcards.
- Yeah.

You know, like at school.

When you study for a test.

And you write.

Like you write,
like with a pencil.

You'd write the answer
on one side of the card

and a question on the other.

Is that something you used
to do in school, Daniel?

No. No-- no, of course not.

My parents once told me
about it in a story.

It sounds kind of nice.

The answer...
and the question.

You used to use flashcards.

Or like floppy discs? I've never
even seen a floppy disc.

Well, you're lucky.

Um, Daniel has a long way to go.

And I need to use my knowledge

to bring patience and
understanding to the situation.

Despite what I believe
is his sometimes...

How to describe him? I...

I think the only way sometimes
is just he's...

He can be something of a shit.

I cannot reach the mountaintop.

I'm nowhere near
the mountaintop.

You're very near
the mountaintop.

No, I'm nowhere near
the mountaintop!

And if I do not reach
the mountaintop,

I cannot tweet it.

What is that sound?

It's like a ticking,
it's like a tick, tick, tick.

- Do you hear that, Benjamin?
- Of course I hear it.

It's, uh, it's maddening,
the ticking.

Yes. How is anybody supposed to
get anything done around here?

I think you might be famished.

I'm going to go get you
a Fig Newton.

I'm practically wasting away.

- Wait!
- Yeah.

Benjamin, I think it's more
of a Mallomar kind of a day.

- I'll get you a Mallomar.
- Yes, get me a Mallomar!

- That's what I just said!
- Yes, yes.

I've had two--
Ben, what is it?

- Three, actually.
- Three!

I've had three nervous

since I started this job
three years ago.

Which is par for the course,
you know.

Time flies
when you're breaking down.

Jobs are stressful.

And I'd imagine if you'd ask
any surgeon or president,

- they'd also agree with me.
- Oh, absolutely.

And then the third time that I
was admitted to the "facility,"

against my own will, of course,

they strapped me down
to a gurney and restrained me.

My whole body was shaking
and I was shouting things

like, "I hate you!
I'm gonna kill you!"

You know, playful things
like that.

But Ben and I had this
very unique moment

where we looked
at my leather straps

mixed with my chunky bracelets.

Ben, do you remember
this moment?

- I love that moment.
- It was almost like this very--

- It was very meta.
- Meta is the perfect word

- to describe--
- Thank you. I said meta.

That's why I said it.
It was the leather straps

mixed with the gold.

National Influencer covered it.

Stackable is everything.

We even got a sponsorship

- It's true.
- What's that--

- What's that little tiny place?
- Cartier?

Cartier. I love Mr. Cartier.

Just in time for my release.

It only took Ben about eight
months to convince the doctors

I wasn't a threat to myself.

Or to anybody else.


I like to keep him on his toes.

Hi, guys. I like to think
in the park.

Where do you like to think?

Talk soon.

Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Hi, guys.

Hi. I'm so excited to share
what just happened today.

I got a whole new litter
of new models.

I need you to cast your votes.

One barrette or... two.

Let me know. Love you guys.

So what I'm hearing is that you
have real feelings of loss,

of remorse,
that you feel powerless.

Mm-hm. Yeah.

It's how I've been feeling.

The following is just...

It's okay, Jane, you can say.

The following has
just plateaued.

Jane, it's important for me
to say what I am about to.

I think it's gone
a little too far.

What makes you think that?

Well, the dogs are with us
at all of our sessions.

And they're with you even
when you're not vlogging.

You said that this building
was dog-friendly.

- I did.
- That's why I chose you. I...

I did. I did say that.

It's just that I think you could
use a little bit of a break.

And I don't want you to take
this angst into your shoot

for The National Influencer.

I think this cover shoot
is a great opportunity

for you to get yourself
back out there.

It's the litter, isn't it?

It's partially the litter. Yes.

But let's get back to you.

- I could move that--
- Just stay still.


Right there.


I think it's very, very
dangerous territory

when someone starts to see
their numbers slide.

It feeds a vicious circle.

They see their numbers slide,
they lose confidence,

so the numbers keep sliding,
so they lose their confidence,

so the numbers keep sliding.

And they go to greater
and greater lengths

to hit that high again.
It's like an addiction.

And first it's animals.

And then the animals
get smaller.

And then there are baby animals,
and there are baby baby animals.

And often it results
in miniatures.

Dogs, turtles, what have you.

And of course there is a rampant
amount of ODAUFI:

Obsessively Dressing Animals
Up For Instagram.

It's probably our biggest fight
right now

in the medical front,
to find a cure.

You know, we have run up against
PETA on a number of occasions.

I think the patients
I'm dealing with certainly

are coming
with benign purposes.

Of course, there's no intent
to harm the animal.

Now, who can say whether
or not the animals

enjoy being dressed up?
I don't think there's

a lot of research on that.
They may or may not.

We don't know. There's a lot
we don't know now.

A lot we don't know.

I'm planking! I'm planking!

Being me.

It's a lot of pressure.

A lot of pressure.

The memes. The captions.

But for me, I just let it flow.

You know?

I let my mind run wild.

But I also have a system.

I can it for you right now.

I'm gonna get up now, I'm gonna
walk over to this Wonder Wall.


That's what I call it.
I call it the Wonder Wall.

Come on. Let's see
what I have here, hm?


Okay, I got "when."

I got the word "when."


And I got "bae."

So now I got the phrase
"when... bae."

First step. Hm!

Now, over there...

Ooh, do you feel that?
Ooh, do you feel that?

I'm feeling it. I can't see it,
but I'm feeling it.

There's something, there's
something, there's something

jumping out at me about this
angry-ass looking penguin!

Do you see how angry
this motherfucker looks?

This motherfucker is cold!

Okay. So I got the words
"when" and "bae."

And I got a picture
of an angry-ass penguin.

So now I'm working my mind here.

Sh, sh, sh...

What makes bae angry?

What makes bae look as angry
as that angry-ass penguin?

Ah! Oh! Ha!



Strip club.



Dry cleaners!

When bae thinks you
at the dry cleaners,

but finds out you really
at the strip club.

And that's how it's done.

Hey, Julian!

Come over here and stick the pin
with the red strong

on the wall, I just did it!


I'm not saying there's
no such thing as meme gods.

Of course there are meme gods.

It's just that this meme magic,
as we like to call it

in the mental health space,
I found that it's fleeting.

I had a patient,
it would just come to him,

day after day,
meme after meme after meme.

He called himself

I'm sure you've heard of him.

He was a modern-day Hemingway.

Just this spartan beauty.

Combination of gifts,
pictures, phrases.

It just came pouring out of him.

Each post more viral
than the next.

And then one day,
he just...

One day the magic just left.

And he...

All that raw talent and all
of that creative inspiration

was just...

He would look at a picture
of a chubby baby,

or a silly picture
of Kanye West,

or even a Kardashian,
and... nothing.

I mean, just nothing.

It was gone.

And then he was gone.

He disappeared and no one knows
where he went.

Glory fades.

Glory fades.


Can anyone here tell me

what a Twitter war is?

An internet troll?

As a doctor,
I have a responsibility.

I can let my students learn
to turn the other cheek

and only see the bright side
and only prepare them for that,

or I could prepare them
for what's really out there.

Just the other day,
I posted a Facebook photo

that I was quite proud of.

I had gotten a new bowtie.

I bought it special to wear
to my nephew's bris.

And I had a very harsh,
bullying situation.

Or trolling,
as it's called on social media.

Mother likes to joke.

But nevertheless,
that wasn't easy to hear.

Social media trolling
is a huge issue.

And we actually uncovered
a troll in our publication.

- Right, Mia?
- Yep.

We did a whole undercover expose
on trolls

for the anniversary issue.

Unbelievable undercover

It was like an operation,
like a... like a... a sting.

- A sting operation.
- A sting operation. Yes.

This particular troll,
she was running

a pretty large-scale program
out of a basement in Queens.

We went undercover, exposed
them, closed the place down.

Now that we've decided
on your salaries,

minimum wage split between
the two of you,

I can show you where you'll be.

Julie over there is in charge
of trolling the celebrities.

Jaime, the models,
Sheila, the nighttime TV hosts,

and over there is Emily.

Emily is completely in charge
of the royal family 24/7.

Okay. It's... they actually wear
the troll costumes?

They don't wear troll costumes.

- They are trolls.
- Hm.

And if you two are gonna be
covering award season

and Lena Dunham, you'll
be expected to do the same.

- Okay.
- Now, ladies, in terms

of ventilation,
there isn't any.

So if at any point you feel like
you're going to faint, don't.


Cardboard really ties
the room together.

- Yeah.
- Well, work environments

are very important
for productivity.

- Mm-hm.
- Your next break

is in three days.

I saw a finger not moving.

In the industry we're in,
you see certain things

you just don't necessarily
wanna see.

- Ever again.
- Mm-mm.

This one troll, um...

The one in charge of trolling
the Kardashians,

she was understandably
a bit feisty,

and she just grabbed on
to my hair

when they found out who we were.
Almost pulled a chunk out.

Um, but mainly,
she just kind of, you know,

held on and would not let go.

And I'll tell you, that'll...
that'll give you anxiety.

- Yeah. It even gave me anxiety.
- Yeah.

I got her off eventually,

- Yeah. You got her off.
- Mm-hm.

This is how you make
a hybrid dessert,

or it could also be
a hybrid entree.

I invented this.
It's called rainbow cake.

Put some cereal right on it.

Go further with that cheese.

More. More. Less.

Went way too far.
Way too far.

Did I tell you to stop?

Yes, eggs. Love it.

I like where your head's at.

I like where my head's at.

'Cause this was my idea.

I think you could run that
through the deep fryer

one more time, huh?

Everybody plan to be Insta-ready
in five.

Yes, chef!

I didn't hear you say,
"Yes, chef."

Yes, chef.

Here at Fattish F.O.O.D.
we just stay super focused.

We're really just concerned
with your six basic food groups.

Pizza, burgers,
fried hybrid desserts,

fried chicken, and stuff
stuffed with cheese.

Three, four, five...

And also...

anything you can dye rainbow.

That's the sixth one.

It's very rewarding work.

Um, we're always very happy
to see an incredible response

in terms of engagement.

I want this to be a treat
for people!

I want this to be a food
they come home to

after their shitty day jobs,

when they're ready to blow
their fucking brains out!

We do everything really,
you know, from...

overhead how-to recipe videos

to before and after shots
of certain foods.

For example,
just off the top of my head,

um, a piece of...
un-fried fried chicken

versus a piece
of deep-fried fried chicken.

Did you fry this again? Did you
put this in the deep fryer?

- Yeah, uh--
- Well, it sure as hell

doesn't look like it.

In fact, this looks like
a piece of shit!

Go put it through...
at least two more times.

I always tell my chefs
to think outside the box.

A phrase that I came up with.

Look, avocados are viral
on their own.

Just as they are,
avocados are perfect.

That means you don't have
to do anything here.

Literally, don't even touch 'em

'cause you'll probably
mess it up.

Think of something you think you
can't stuff with cheese.

And realize... there's probably
a way to stuff it with cheese.

Or, if it's already stuffed
with cheese,

there's probably a way
to stuff it with more cheese.

Take the cherries off!
We need a strong defense!


No, no! Those fries
are not gonna--

Don't let those fries score!

Strength and honor!
What is that from?

- What...
- It's from the movie Gladiator!

Same things goes for putting
an egg on something.

Treat bomb.

Eggs are viral.

Yeah. We actually have our motto
right up on the wall.

Oh, there.

I forgot where that wall was.

"You can put an egg
on anything."

That and YCFA.

"You can fry anything."

We got a deep fryer
right over there.

And we'll just throw anything...
anything in there,

'cause we are creatives.

Gimme an Instagram

of a deep-fried Supreme sneaker,

I'll give you one million

No big deal.

I really admire and respect
what Dixie does.

Because she gives me such
a good jumping off point

for some of my memes.

Yep. Yep.

Like this image she created

of these double-stuffed
cheese fries

that have been fried again,
you know?

See, I could take that,

and I can make this meme like,

"When your girl makes salmon,
but you all you crave

are those double-stuffed
triple-fried cheese fries."


Did you see that?

I owe a good amount of my posts
to Dixie.

- Oh, stop it.
- Mm-hm.

Kap and I, we just go...
we go way back.

You know, we still collaborate.

I mean, it's a process.
It's a workshop.

- Kap said that.
- Mm-hm.

And Kap just has a massive...


And he always-- you know, he...
he credits us

and tags us whenever
he uses our creations.

As I should. Hm.

When you are collaborating
on work of this nature,

it is just, honestly,
almost impossible...

for things not to get...


We've had sex.

Love between social media

is really my bread and butter.

Social Submission was no doubt
a turning point in my career.

It was an erotic novel

that was a passion project
of mine for quite some time.


The two characters, or lovers,

as I'd more accurately
call them,

um, never actually meet.

Yet they share a, um...

a sensual kind of bond

that all the social platforms,

the many different ways
they allow you to engage,

only make more titillating.

And I was just astounded
at the reception it received.

I have never thought myself
an expert on the couples space.

Um, but it led me to write
a second book,

to major fanfare,
entitled Touching...

Without Touching.

This was more a nonfiction
self-help book

for those that
are more concentrated,

focused on cyber-sexuality
via social media,

versus physical sexuality,
which many, including myself,

would now say
is highly overrated.

And this led to major notoriety

and some pretty incredible
speaking engagements.

Anonymous would have you believe
that a female or male's

basic erogenous zones
are areas such as

the ears, the cervix,
the neck, what have you.

An area I proffer
they have overlooked...

is the fingertips...

i.e. the area through which

all social media activity
stems from.

The eyes, the windows through
which we see everything,

um, such as a tawdry engagement
on Instagram.

Or a lewd post on Facebook.

When I started my practice,
I by no means

had given any thought
to couples counseling.

And I only counsel
influencer couples.

That's my specialty.

Because I came to realize
these partnerships

can be quite volatile.

Everything's fine until one
party experiences an uptick

in his or her following,

and then the honeymoon phase
is over.

Which is a real shame,

because honeymoons are
a terrific opportunity

for viral posts on social media.

I just unpacked
this amazing blue dress,

and I am so excited about it.

- I think it makes--
- Hey...

- Uh-oh! Hey!
- Uh-oh!

You have to suffer for your art
if you want the shot

that's gonna break the world.

Just a swipe on the cheek.
A swipe on the other cheek.

A little bit
on the forehead here.

Maybe a dab on the chin.

What's cooking in the kitchen?
Oh! Sneak peek. Bam!

- There we are.
- There's little old me too.

- Look at that.
- We love you guys.

And we love each other more.

Okay. Mika.

Can you try and explain
what happened one more time?

- Just a little bit calmer.
- Sure.

Um, let me just
take myself there again.

I had taken a photo
of room service on my phone.

With a beautiful backdrop
of the fireplace.

And Kingston asked me,
incredibly casually,

if I could text it to him.

I assumed he wanted it as a
memento of our vacation.

Go on.

So we go to dinner that night.

And everything was normal.

Same with, uh, sex.

Everything was, um... fine.

So then I wake up.


Kingston had posted the photo
to his Instagram account.

- Did he tag you?
- No.

He didn't.

And what did Kingston say
when you confronted him?

Well, let's see.
He offered to take it down.

But I think at that point,

he knew that those
were empty words.

I mean, the damage
was astronomical.

It was already up
to 300,000 likes,

4,000 comments, I mean, poof!

I truly didn't think that she
was planning on posting it.

Okay? She had already done
a breakfast shot that trip,

and I mean, yes, yes, yes! Yes,
it was a little bit different.

- But it was still eggs.
- Okay.

You know,
you have two egg shots,

like right next to each other.

I mean, I don't know. It just,
it looks a little lazy.

- Are you kidding me?
- I think it looks lazy.

- Are you kidding me?
- What is this, Andy Warhol?

This is unbelievable.
If you had seen it,

the first breakfast photo was
a completely different filter,

ambience, theme entirely.

Yeah, but they're both
sunnyside up. So...

I'm done. I'm done.

You can slap all the brightness
filters you want on it.

- It's still sunnyside up.
- You didn't know how

I was going to frame it, okay?
The way I frame things

is different from the way
you frame things.

Maybe in that moment,

while you were acting
from an artistic place,

which I totally respect,

maybe there's a way
to deliver that information

to Mika personally, which I know
this sounds strange,

but without posting it.

Maybe tell her how you feel
about two eggs being posted

at the same time, don't just
assume she knows.

I was going to tag you
when I posted it.

I would have tagged you
in the photo

- that you would post.
- I'm not an egg.

Kingston, do you generally
post food photos?

Well, I have a little bit more

Um, I have a very,
very specific diet,

very special kind of diet.
It's the keto diet.

I don't know if you've...
you've heard about this?

Well, it's... it's
a little exciting,

it's a little novel,
it's very en vogue right now.

No carbs, all fats. Okay?
All fats and proteins.

Very high in fat and protein.
So a lot of cheese.

- A lot of, um, you know...
- Would you say...

And Mika, I do not say this
to hurt you.

Would you say eggs?

- Do you post eggs?
- Well, yeah.

Well, that's the thing.
'Cause eggs are on this diet.

I can show grace for that.
I will show you grace.

Thank you.

Kingston, did you hear that?
Mika wants to show you grace.

- Uh-huh.
- Mika?

I think maybe you could
show Kingston snacks.

Like photos of snacks?

I feel like that's
just gonna make it worse.

Maybe actual snacks.

Maybe you could
explore this diet,

find appropriate snacks,
and in that way

participate with Kingston
in this experiment.

This is a creative endeavor
you can do together.

Like cooking?

I wouldn't go that far.
You could probably order it.

- Oh, good, good.
- Like Seamless, I don't wanna...

- Okay, yeah. Thank you.
- You can do that on your phone.

- I have an idea.
- I'd love for you to share it.

I think, um, sometimes
I've seen some couples

do a time out symbol.
Like, time out.

Let's take a breather.
And I'm thinking,

what if...

What if we did a hashtag?

Like hashtag, take a breather.

- Hashtag...
- I feel like Kingston's

- thinking about this.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Are you open, babe?
- Yeah, I'm open.

I'm open to talking about that,
the "take a breather."

I mean, I did that with my,
you know,

my asthma awareness campaign.
So we might have to kind of

- switch that up a little bit.
- I forgot about that.

- That's right.
- I will say that tagging

is something that I think
we need to explore further

- in our sessions.
- Thank you.

And each person's definition
of how that is acceptable

is different. You're not wrong,
you're not wrong.

But we're going to have to find
a place in the middle.

Yes, I think that,
about me not being wrong,

is a good...
is a good take away.

- Us. Us not being wrong.
- Us not-- us not being wrong.

I would never question
the sex lives

of these influencer couples,

who are just all so ever present
in all the social platforms.

I think, as...

Kama Sutra was to the '70s,

they are to the 21st century.

They hold
the hidden keys to a...

deeper, more profound
exploration of sexuality

as we know it.

Well, we've been married
for about two years?

- Two years, yeah.
- Yeah.

- We actually met on Instagram.
- Yeah, it was very kismet.

- Yeah.
- You know, very meant to be,

Romeo and Juliet, stars aligning
kind of feel to it.

We coincidentally both were
at Coachella.

Yeah. Of course, I knew
who Kingston was.

I was following him.
He wasn't following me.

But I was following him.
He didn't know that, though.

- I have a lot of followers.
- Yeah. Yes, he does.

He sure does.
He's got a lot of followers.

I do!

I commented on
an Instagram of his

that just really...

spoke to me.

I was rolling
at the time.


- And then he just pounced.
- Oh, I pounced.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Full on. Yeah.

He DM'd me, of course.

And it began.

We commented, we liked,
we pinged, we DM'd.

Like back and forth
for just eight months.

Yeah. We actually didn't meet
at that Coachella physically.

We only met eight months later,
coincidentally at another event.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hm.

- But those eight months...
- Best eight months of my life.

- Aw! Mine too.
- Oh?

The whole marriage angle
is great for social media.

It's the whole reason we're
in The National Influencer's

anniversary issue, even though
our follower counts

aren't quite up there
as the other influencers

- who get to be on the cover.
- Yeah.

Uh, just to be in the issue...

- Not on the cover, though.
- Yeah.

- So that's...
- It's okay.

Yeah, no, just us
and a French bulldog.

- Who we love.
- Side by side.

Whom we love. We do love.

I will say that we did notice,
when we got married,

we were able to merge
our follower counts

- to create this bigger number.
- Mm-hm.

Which was very exciting.
I mean, after he proposed,

our post-engagement post
engagement just skyrocketed.

We're always working
on the relationship.

- Yes.
- Always looking for ways

to up each other's followings,
you know, support each other.

I would say that social media's
a really good barometer

for whatever is going on
inside the relationship.

Yeah, we always wonder what
other couples fight about.

Yeah. Like,
what else is there?

- Uh-huh.
- Are you doing a...

an Instagram Live of this
right now?

Oh, yeah, babe,
it's right behind you.

Oh. Thank God.

With social media,
these influencers

have found new ways,
not only to connect,

but to communicate.

There are so many ways
to express one's self

and who you are now.

It's self branding.

And these influencers
are the masters of that.

You know, everyone
has been given the instruments.

But they're the ones
who play the symphony.

It all comes down
to craftsmanship.

And the complete and total
dedication to their craft.

It's a case of perfectionism.

Pure, unadulterated

And they will settle
for nothing less.

- That's my clementine.
- Oh.

That's also my clementine.

In my hand.

Off you go.

Hip, hip!

Boom! Good one. Got it!

Oh, hey, Francesca?

Francesca, let me get
a green tea latte,

cashew milk, three straws,
hold the cup. Okay?


Grande latte.

Four straws, hold the milk.

Hold the straws.

Benjamin, we're gonna get some
behind-the-scenes shots, okay?

Can we move this?

I'm gonna move this.

Excuse me, sir.
You're in my way.

What am I wearing?
I'll be honest,

I find this garment
incredibly disorienting.

I put my legs through and I
found out they were in one...

one hole and there
was a whole other hole

that was empty.
What's that supposed to be for?

I just guess I put
my leg in each one and...

It feels wrong, though.
What do you think, babe?

No. That looks really

Do you have anything else, sir?

Yeah, I mean, I actually
might've saved the day here

'cause I brought this,
which is my chef jacket

which I wear every day,
but this one's a formal one.

It's pink. I mean, of course,
I wanna respect your vision,

so, you know, you have final
approval, of course.

But I approve it. We could even
leave some of these buttons open

to show some of the slip

if that's what you like.

I wanna respect your vision,
as I said.

But I'm just gonna button
all this up.

Button it right up to the top
so you can't see

what you dressed me in.

I'd say, though, we keep it,
we keep the slip underneath,

but then we scrap it and we put
the jeans that I brought,

put this on top,
so just to...

to recap,
we have everything I brought

and we're not using anything
that you suggested.

We're just trying
to stay calm here.

You know, I'm calm,
she's calm. Everybody is calm.

Yeah. You have said you're
calm a few times.

Well, I am calm.
My hands are shaking,

but my mind is calm
as a whistle.

No, it's "clean as a whistle."
Good, okay.

To be honest,
we weren't fully aware

of what came with all of them
under one roof in one space.

We're used to tackling them
individually, one by one.

- Just keep your voice down.
- Sorry. Sorry.

They're vicious people.

They're an eccentric group
of people I'd say.

I can't feel this half down.
I can't feel it.

I can't feel my legs
and I'm sure that's normal.

Oh, it's gonna be
an amazing day, right?

We have what most would call
I'd say the five pillars

of society right now.

We've got your meme god,
Kap Phat Jawacki.

Your food YouTuber,
Dixie Bell.

- Your vlogger, Jane Zap.
- She bit me.

- She did not mean to.
- Yes, she did, she bit me.

I tried to touch
one of her dogs,

which don't do that.

And she bit me. Not the dog,
the dog didn't bite me.

The vlogger, the vlogger sank
her teeth right into me.

We've got your star Snapchatter,
Dan Summers.

Hasn't gotten here yet.

But we're excited
to see how he's doing.

- I don't think he's coming.
- And your fashion Instagram

- star, Josie Z.
- You call this contouring?

Where are my cheekbones? Ben!

- She's spunky.
- Yeah. She's spunky.

- She's lively.
- Vivacious.

We and our makeup artist were
under the mistaken impression

that makeup can only help
to accentuate one's cheekbones.

Our mistake. 'Cause apparently,
like Rome,

cheekbones can be built
from the ground up

with the right makeup artist,
which was not first, second,

third, or fourth one
we've had here today.

I have a pretty good feeling
about the seventh

- that we hired, though.
- She keeps saying something

- about a ticking.
- Yes. Ticking.

You know,
I don't hear a ticking.

She doesn't hear a ticking.
None of us hear a ticking.

But obviously, we are all saying
that we hear a ticking.

And now I'm actually...
Yeah, there it goes again.

I'm starting to hear
a ticking myself, so... yeah.

- Well, there's...
- Get that checked out

in my ample spare time
that I have.

Tell them about prep.
Let's change the subject.

Let's talk about prep.
Let's talk about prep.

We are making sure to keep
separate any two influencers

who might have a strong
following in the same platform,

because that could be just
a little uncomfortable.

So we put Jane Zap
and Josie Z together.

And Dixie Bell and Kap together.

Fat Ben Affleck! Santa Claus!

- He's been doing that all day.
- Yeah, every 14 minutes or so,

I'd say he yells out like a
certain combination of things.

Sometimes it's an unhealthy
food item and a rapper,

or, you know, a politician
and a porn star,

and a character like
Kermit the Frog,

Miss Piggy,
any of the Muppets really.

He says it about cheese fries
a lot as well.

- Yes, yes. He does.
- Chili cheese fries!

Where is this ticking
coming from?

I'm so sorry,
we're looking into it.

- Go look into the ticking.
- There is no ticking.

I know.
Just do what I did last time.

Just get up, go the bathroom,
come back,

and say you told the guys
to work on the ticking.

Can I ask a question?
Who are the guys?

- There's no guys.
- There are no guys.

- Just... this is fake.
- There are no guys.

- This is fake guys.
- Go get me a sandwich.

- Guys?
- All right, thank you.

Yes, I'd love it
to look like an egg.

- I want the yolk...
- These people are completely

they're like animals.

One of them I heard was saying
something so stupid

to the other one.
They're all stupid.

Ben, you're so bad at gossiping.

- Hey.
- Yes. Hi.

- We're starting any minute now.
- Dan Summers is in the spread.

- That's what I was told.
- You were told correct, yes.

He is in the spread.
He's just a little late.

Okay. See, that's what
I don't like to hear.

If I took a picture of Cardi B,

and then I added the word
"delicious..." pow!

But then I got no picture
of a slice of pizza.

Hm. What do you
think that means? You tell me.

I'm never good
at guessing games. Um...

- I'm trying to--
- It means the story's dead.

The meme dream is dead.

No Dan, the no me, no story.

He's the only one here
who is anywhere near me

in terms of follow count.
All right?

You got me taking a picture
with a vlogger

with only 10.1 million

I mean...

That was her.

- That was her. That was her.
- With the cats...

Now, it usually takes me like
a minute to catch up to Kap.

And, uh, I'm caught up now.

So is Dan Summers not coming?

'Cause I thought he
was gonna be here.

- Here's the thing about Dan
- They're trying to pull

- something on us, babe.
- What's going on?

The guys are looking
into the ticking.

- Ugh, thank God.
- Where is Dan?

Oh, Dan's coming.
He's just a little late.

- Right?
- Yeah. Yeah.

He's two hours late.

And if he's not in this,
then I am not in this.


If he's not in this,
she's not in this whole thing.

I hate memes.

She doesn't care
for your memes, man.

And I don't like girls named
after country music bands.

- Yeah, fuck you.
- Don't even get me started

- on animal kingdom over there.
- Animal kingdom. Classic.

Is that the ticking?
What is that?

Oh, my God.

- What a waste of food.
- Now I gotta listen to that

and the ticking?
This is truly my hell.

I mean, honestly,
I hate to agree

with this very bitter,
strange lady.

But, I mean,
is he coming or not?

Because I could be--
You know, I could be

- frying something right now.
- Yes.

Yes, baby, you could.
You could be. She could.

Well, we-- we haven't heard
from him.

- But he said--
- They haven't heard from him.

- They haven't heard from him.
- I'm out.

Boom! Oh! Me too!

I don't know what they're doing
with their hands.

Come on, Ben, let's go.
This is a waste of our time.


Now you're in trouble
with Josie now.

Benjamin, what did I tell you
about engaging in conversations

- that I am not a part of?
- She said under

no circumstances ever.

You know what?
I hope you're all happy.

But more importantly,
I hope one day I am happy!

So Dan Summers never showed up
to the photo shoot.

- No, he did not.
- Yeah.

But he did leave us a message
to explain why he wasn't there.

Not a text message, he left
this message on a VHS tape.

Do you know anyone
with a VHS player?

- Because we do not.
- No. We don't.

We searched everywhere.
We searched on eBay.

- Craigslist.
- Pawn shops.

Even checked with both sets
of grandparents,

and got laughed right out
of Shore Hills. Embarrassing.

As a journalist, you do
have to follow the story.

So we went back
to see Dan Summers again

to get some answers.

We wanted to tell his story.
Whatever it was.

- However bleak it was.
- Yeah.

We wanted to give him that.

Unfortunately, though,

- Dan had disappeared.
- ...disappeared.

He'd gone in search of answers.

We found a note that he left.

But it was very hard
to make out the words.

We believe it said
"back to the source."

Dan Summers went totally
off the grid.

But more importantly, though,

he did what so many of us
cannot do.

He went on a personal journey

just completely unplugged.

We soon discovered he actually
had our intern Andy

- go with him, though.
- Makes sense.

I mean, if you are going
to successfully unplug

or do a tech detox, you've
simply got to share that

- on social media.
- Oh, it would be a crime not to.

The point is Dan himself
is not physically carrying

a phone or a tablet
on this journey.

No. Unless something happens
to Andy.

Yeah. Something happens to Andy,
we would expect that Dan

would have to bring
the tablets back. Yeah.

- Would be a win-win.
- Oh, yeah.

Come in!

- Dan Summers?
- Yes.

- I've been expecting you.
- You know who I am.

I know all my chosen ones.

Your-- your chosen ones?

Anyone with more
than ten million followers

- on any given platform.
- Obviously, I haven't

- checked my Snapchat lately.
- Oh, please.

We all lose our way.

But what goes down
must come up.

Especially on Snapchat.

- So what can I do for you?
- You are the Architect.

The Architect behind the
inception of social media

since the dawn of it,
since MySpace.

Don't mention MySpace.

But yes.

That is who I am.

You know, it's about time
The National Influencer

- covered me.
- Of course.

They'll cover any millennial
Joe, Dick, or Harry

worth a tablet.

But the one who started it all,
the one whose inception it was,

the Architect,
as you so beautifully put it...

- no.
- To be fair,

I'm not really sure
they know who you are.

You know, it's typical

that they should come to me
through you.


But I digress.


what do you wanna know?

I wanna know why.

Why what, Dan?

Why are we on social media?

Why did it all begin?

You've engineered all of this,
but why?

Well, you might as well
ask why do we breathe?


To tell you the truth, Dan,

I don't like people.

I don't like interacting
with people in person.

- Mm-hm.
- And confrontation.

Who likes confrontation?

Physical confrontation
makes me nervous.

- Right, right.
- I mean, if my ex-wife

cheats on me,
and then she goes on vacation

with her new husband,
I think it's easier

to write a nasty comment
on her wall

than to call her up
on the telephone,

or God forbid you confront her
in person.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That's... that's off the record,

- that last part.
- Sure.

Do I talk to you
or do I talk to them?

Oh, no, no.
You can just talk to me.


I wanted to engineer
a kind of a chasm,

a chasm where people
were... they were linked,

not through physical

but rather through digital ones.

Okay? I mean, that's
where the world is going!

Who wants to live
in a physical world

like we're living in today? No!

Dan, the future
is a digital existence!

Okay, but isn't it the physical
that makes us human beings?


No, I think if you pick up
a copy of Sheila Burger's

Touching Without Touching,

you will realize
that it is quite oppositely

not about the physical.

We're engaging with each other

wholly and entirely,
body and soul,

via social media.

But what if I want both?

You know, to be both
a chosen one,

but also a physical human being.

Do you wanna live in a world
where one minute

you're the host
of Celebrity Apprentice

and the next minute you're
the most powerful man

in the world, where one minute
you're OJ Simpson's lawyer,

and the next minute
you're the patriarch

of the most televised family
in the history of the medium?

Where one minute you have a wife

and you have
a Labrador retriever,

and the next minute
she takes the house

and the dog and the Lexus--

Yeah, no, I get it.

- I digress.
- Yes, you do. Quite often.

But can I ask you...

Can I have both?

No, Dan.

Do you really wanna live

in the world we live in today?

I'm offering you a key.

The chance to escape.

My chosen ones will be
the first to depart

from this physical world.

And the rest will follow.

- Yeah... no.
- What?

- I can't do that.
- Yes, you can.

Um, I'm sorry. I just--
I can't help you.

I have to stay.

And I have to save what's left

of the real.

Thank you.

No, Dan.
Dan, you're missing my point.

- Dan, listen. Dan, Dan.
- Yeah?

Amazon has gotten so big.

- Okay.
- I can't wrap

my brain around it.

Yeah, I mean, the brand
is definitely--

I-- please, sit.
Because I can't understand it.

And I need to talk
to somebody about this.

Okay, sure, but I do
have to leave before three.

And Alexa, talking to you
in your home.

Because she can
walk your dog virtually.

- No. No, she can't.
- Yes, she can.

- No!
- Dan, she can.

Where are you reading
any of this?


I've been scrolling
through memes.

And there's this vlogger,
Jane Zap.

I don't know-- she has the most
adorable videos of cats.

Little cats and kittens.
And she dresses them all up.

And some of them go to the prom,

and some of them
are on a cakewalk,

- and it's charming.
- I have to go.

But if I continue talking
about Jane Zap...

- I'll go faster.
- Okay.

Um, thank you so much.
It's been a pleasure.

- The pleasure's all mine.
- You'll email me, yes?

- Email? Wow.
- Godspeed.

Yeah, I'll email you. Okay?
I'll email you.

You do good work.
And you know I'm right.

- Maybe.
- Don't you argue with me, Dan.

- Bye-bye.
- Have a good one.

Can I help you with something?

Just... yeah.

- Good?
- Sorry. One more.

Thanks so much.
Love your work.

Tag me!

Once I found out the Architect's
plan was to turn us all

into digital bots,

switching from the physical
completely to the digital,

I felt I had to step in.

To warn the other influencers
to do something.

They had to be the ones
to lead the way.

So I started a franchise
of workshops

entitled PICW:

Physical Interaction
and Communication Workshops.

What's great about Dan's
Physical Interaction

and Communication Workshops?

- It's a mouthful.
- Yes. Yes, it is.

Well, what's great about them
is that bae and I...

Mm. I mean Dixie and I,
because that's her name,

you know, that's the name
her mama gave her.

- After the cup.
- Hm.

Dixie and I, well, we're
learning to communicate

with each other in new
and authentic ways.

Taking what we have
going on here

to the next level.


- What's the next level?
- Yeah, I'm not sure. You know?

But it's there. Whoo!

It's a level, for sure.

Because it's not
about the memes

or the captions or the food.

- No.
- Mm-mm-mm...


- It's about us.
- Mm-hm. Yep.

That's just what I was gonna
say. Word for word.

Kap, communicate.

Where do you see this going
with Dixie?

Yeah, where do you see
this going?

I see it going...

There's like
a picture of a goat,

and then some sort of variation
on a pear.

Ariana Grande!

- Wow.
- Kap, what we talked about.

How we practiced it.

Okay. Okay, baby.

Take those fucking stupid
glasses off.

Yeah. I should take them off.


Dixie, I see this going...

to a place.

Wow. A place.

- Yeah.
- As I'd planned all along,

whatever epiphany I made
by going back to the source,

that would ideally be
the new group cover story

for The National Influencer's
fifth anniversary issue.

That message was lost
in translation.

Well, not technically lost
in translation.

Lost on a VHS tape.

- But still.
- My ball!

It works.

For this next round,
no hands.

Speak the ball into your
partner's existence.

- I trust you.
- I trust you. Okay?

Now, fall.

- That's a little bit scary.
- It is.

- Scary's good.
- Okay.

I trust you.

Dan's movement has really
reminded me to be more mindful

of "people."

They're people.
They're not just followers.

And I'm learning to let go
of a lot of my rage.

Both for myself

- and per the court's request.
- Stupid judge.

I have become
so much more aware

of how my actions affect others.

- Influencers are people.
- Who knew?

I mean, what Dan has done
is amazing.

Yeah, amazing, and as he had
planned all along,

we were making this story,
these PICW groups,

the new cover
of the anniversary issue.

The entire issue is dedicated
to this topic.

You can tell them.

We pushed Fifi the Frenchie.

Which we did not feel bad about.

No, neither of us did.
She was just...

She was very arrogant.
Don't you think?

- Very. Um...
- Yeah.

We were just perplexed
because Dan had put this

message out to all
the influencers,

and started this whole movement

and we just heard nothing
from her. Not a word.

She went on posting exactly
as she had been.

And that just rubbed us
the wrong way.

- There's no excuse for that.
- No. It...

You know, to be that
out of touch

with the people around you
is just...

- It's just not acceptable.
- It's not acceptable.

No. But otherwise,
I would say...

- Yeah.
- ...Dan's vision

Has inspired everyone.

I mean, everyone has been
affected by this message.

- Everyone has.
- Mm-hm.

Everyone has.

I thought Dan Summers was crazy.

When I first heard about this
whole movement I was stunned.

These new things
he was preaching,

you know, about... about
real life interaction... ah!

It-- it was jarring.

But the truth is...

you know,
if you give it some time,

some practice,
it makes sense.

At some point,
I said to myself...

Steven, doc.

You gotta just put yourself
out there.

I've been on two actual
real life dates.

Both insisted that I
not contact them again.

But, you know...

My mom gave me this pup.

Bar mitzvah present.

I was hoping for a bike.

I got a ceramic spaniel.

She told me its name was Steve.

I said, "Mom, that's my name."

She said, "It's a coincidence."

I have just started working
on my third book.

Which is definitely largely
based on the...

goings on in the real world.

I... I like to stay relevant.

I try to stay young and...

And hip.

In this book, um, uh...

there are certain scenes of...

of a more physical nature.

So to speak.


Physical sex, that is.

Which... is... is definitely

out of my skill set.


But I happen to think
that you don't necessarily

have to have experienced
something to write about it.

I don't...

I don't even think
you have to have experienced it

in your lifetime.

That is why they
call it fiction.

Dan's work has actually been
a huge influence on my life.

Um, after my breakdown...

during The National
Influencer shoot,

I had to give back all my pets

and stop vlogging
for a little bit.

Obviously. Which is really hard.

But actually,
the pause helped me

figure out what I was really
passionate about.

And it's origami.

Some people would say
that it's a lost art.

This is my cat.

Hey, kitty. Here!

She's so cute.

Um, and this is a bird.

Well, technically
it's a parakeet.

But with just one shade
of construction paper,

it's hard to make that clear,

It's a parakeet.

Um, and this is Dr. Spacelli.

Uh, looks just like her.

Um, and I take her with me

We're up to five days a week.
So that's really helping too.

It's just been such
rewarding work.

It isn't easy, but...
we take it day by day.

The first step, the influencers.

The next step, the people.

Because we aren't just
social beings.

We're human beings.

That's the headline.

That's the headline right there.

Breaking news.

- Who are we?
- Humans.

- What are we not?
- Handles.

- Who are we?
- Humans.

- What are we not?
- Handles.

- Who are we?
- Humans.

- What are we not?
- Handles.

- Who are we?
- Humans.

- What are we not?
- Handles.

- Who are we?
- Humans.

Apparently, the girl who
was supposed to be

the fifth influencer had some
sort of a breakdown.

- That's sad.
- Yeah, it was terrible.

- So sad.
- But the good news was

- once she was out...
- We were in.

- We were in the cover!
- Ah!

- Mm!
- Yeah!

Yeah! We danced around our
apartment for like 20 minutes.

- I Snapchatted the whole thing.
- It was amazing.

Ah! Oh, and...

we love what Dan
has been saying.

Oh, yeah. No, it's so important
what he's saying

about the people who...
need people...

Yeah, it's very much so. It's
completely changed our outlook.

- Yeah.
- Hey, guys?

- Yeah, how's it looking?
- Yeah, what's up?

This angle,
from the side here,

is not great
for the Instagram Live.

It'd be better
if you were more centered.

Oh. Well, that's not good,

- Sorry.
- Can you move?

Yeah, sorry, could you move over
for him?

He's shooting an Instagram Live
from my phone.

Look, I'm trying
to shoot a documentary, guys.

but this is important.

- So move.
- Yeah, did I stutter?

You're gonna have to move over
for him. I'm sorry, buddy.

- But you have to move over.
- What are you doing?

Yeah, we... we still
on with that Instagram Live?

¶ Congratulations
Your face on a billboard ¶

¶ I saw it coming round
the corner on Sunset ¶

¶ High as a kite ¶

¶ High as a kite ¶

¶ I bet you had a beautiful
cocktail party ¶

¶ With skinny minds
and bodies ¶

¶ Staring at yourself on TV ¶

¶ And everybody misses
you at home ¶

¶ But I guess when
you're in Rome ¶

¶ Walking with the queens
and gods ¶

¶ You gotta do
what the others do ¶

¶ Just don't lose
what they've lost ¶

¶ Making hay while
the sun is shining ¶

¶ Spending gold while
the miners mining ¶

¶ Your brightest of friends ¶

¶ Your darkest enemies ¶

¶ Groomed to your perfection ¶

¶ Your sunken eyes reflection ¶

¶ You're staring at yourself
on TV ¶

¶ Staring at yourself on TV ¶

¶ And I truly miss your soul ¶

¶ I can't see it anymore ¶

¶ The prototype's been made ¶

¶ At a reproduction grade ¶

¶ Walking with the queens
and gods ¶

¶ Zombies on parade ¶

¶ Zombies on parade ¶

¶ Zombies on parade ¶

¶ Zombies on parade ¶

¶ Zombies on parade ¶

¶ Zombies on parade ¶

We're talking about trust.

And I'm here...

as a guide, you know?

I want her to tell me
when I have a flyaway hair.

- You know?
- Speaking of which...

- Speaking of which.
- Oh, actually,

that was very deliberate.
That was--

- I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- That's okay. No.

But that was a deliberate look.

All right, so next week
you're going to...

Are we still doing hourly?

The coolest way to improve your English
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