The Slit (1996) - full transcript

Africa - Land of the ever-shining sun, German soldiers fulfilling a U.N. mission. For General Brenner a dream comes true: Here, where the people are simple, the German can prove his abilities. But then the virgin wife of Brenner gives birth to her first child. Is it the new Messiah? But what is a Messiah good for if the U.N. is already there?

Attention!!!

The following film

contains subliminal effects!

If you're pregnant or epileptic

leave after 30 minutes at the most.

Thank you

for your understanding.

Tanja Blixen and Astrid Lidgren

are spoken by Susanne Bredehöft.

Peter Panne and Bela Lugosi

are spoken by Thomas Nicolai.

Both speakers are

dressed by Hölter.

This following film tells the

true story of little Peter Panne,

son of a German UN general

and an American hooker.

People simply called him JESU.

While his father fails at the UN,

a horde of Africans tries to destroy

the president of the USA

with a German V2 missile.

JESU PETERS mother rams a

needle into the boy's head

so JESU ends up in hospital.

Despite his disability and

a 33-lb crack on his head

MOHAMMED PETER

manages to save the world

and destroy the American

president forever and ever.

Africa! Infinite vastness, curly

hair and the smell of diesel oil.

Peter Panne's story starts

about an hour before his birth.

That's my dear daddy!,

Peter said.

A German UN officer

on a humane mission.

He helps the blacks

and saves their future.

It's a sexual obsession

for my father, Peter said.

Here we see a horde of

slobs gone wild.

Fucking, drinking, dancing

all day long, Peter said.

This self-appointed dictator

studied in Munich.

Hassan El Hatschi!

His plan is the destruction of

the American president

with a German missile.

He will have to understand:

A bird in the hand is worth

the UN in the bush, Peter said.

My dear mummy has

a long criminal record.

Twenty years in jail

for exhibitionism.

Daddy never slept with her

and yet she's pregnant.

When Peter heard "rocket",

he escaped the uterus.

He was the only rocket in town!

Peter Panne, son of

Mohammed, God of gods!

The saviour of the

world!, Peter said.

Everything fine.

Will work!

Dr. Vanderberg was

a pathetic coward.

After the Challenger disaster

he had escaped to Africa.

And started his experiments

with human engines.

A thorn in the flesh of

Werner von Braun.

A moron in a lab coat!

Lund was a

complete asshole, too.

A dyed-in-the-wool pervert.

Fucking my dad at night,

jerking off kids by day.

Enough was enough!

The world was a bad place.

I had to save it!

Peter Panne had made it.

Like a maniac he bit

his mother's uterus.

Let me out! Let me out!,

he yelled.

I want to save the world

and spray my juices!

To put out all the pain.

While the proud parade

approached the helicopter

Hassan waved goodbye

from his German rocket

Peter's mother

gave an interview.

And Peter's father

pulled his fuse.

The UN mission was

a great success.

The world finally understood:

When you say UN,

the shit won't hit the fan!

Keep your hands off my wife!

DEM FILM

PRESENTS

THE CRACK

THE GAP

THE CRACK

THE GAP

THE BIRTH OF THE MESSIAH

The messiah is born,

forget all your fears.

He has a big head

and really big ears.

He has a big head

and really big ears!

His head is covered

with countless ruins.

His visage like ivory.

Honey and myrtle

pour from his crack.

Oh Lord, I felt you coming!

You give me strength!

2000 years of Vatican

was a tough time.

But now you're here

and all will be good.

We will overthrow the Pope!

And we'll drink his blood!

Down with the Vatican!

Down with the

Roman Catholic church!

Bishop Pierre had made

a Catholic straw puppet.

He took his congregation

down the valley

to deliver the news of the

birth of JESU PANNE.

He had been excommunicated

in Austria for a reason.

But here in Africa people

were still plain and simple.

And he was

welcomed with gratitude.

THE BIRTH OF

THE MOTHER OF GOD

CHAPTER TWO

The day of Peter's circumcision

was a beautiful day.

Colourful flags everywhere.

Merchants from the Serengeti

brought myrrh and ivory.

The straw puppet was

replaced with baby Peter

who couldn't wait

to get circumcised.

Bishop Pierre was dinging it

in everyone's ears for hours

declaring Peter's mother

Mother of God.

But Martha refused.

Martha got completely

out of control.

Like a gigantic orgasm,

the wave of African folklore

penetrated her into a growing

helix of hatred and violence.

Pierre had put a spell on her.

He gave her back the

confidence she forgot she had.

Uh, yeah, Peter said.

She was the Mother of God,

Peter said.

And dad was a pig.

THE HOLY FAMILY!

CHAPTER THREE

Peter's mother was humiliated.

Werner hadn't slept

with her once.

In her eyes, he was

nothing but a whore.

A gay German UN whore.

Martha only knew too well.

After all, her sex with Werner

was only fellatio.

She could tell any other

sperm from his.

In colour and taste.

In quantity and consistency.

Yo, Werner!

Y'know sumtin?

I'll cook ya sumtin!

THE PROPHECY

Now Martha understood.

Sexually, Werner liked to

take the backdoor.

And only Pierre

could show her the way

to a new Mother of God.

So she internalized his

prophecy the hard way.

Like a maelstrom

of wrong feelings

the images poured ecstatically.

The blacks finished school.

Contraception was

discussed publicly.

The famine was history.

And the symbol of independence

was hard and tight as ever.

GOOD SEX WILL BE PUNISHED

Martha had never been happier.

She enjoyed being

the Mother of God.

Pierre had satisfied her.

And he had healed her

screwed-up sexuality.

I don't care if you're

fucking with Werner.

As long as we become humans.

The gay situation is

nothing for Jesus Christ.

Pierre had questioned Peter's

homosexual upbringing.

He knew what kind of

danger Peter was facing.

Lund was a pervert and

lusting after Peter's...

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

PAGE FIVE

Martha asked.

The UN mission

was a great success.

The efforts had paid off.

And the world understood:

When you say UN,

the shit won't hit the fan!

CHILD SEX AT THE UN CAMP

Martha was frantic with rage.

Lund had played

with Peter's anus again.

He had covered

the little one with faeces.

What an enormous mess!

Peter was confronted with

a bunch of questions.

If only his mother hadn't

given him this cheap marble

Peter would've

been spared a lot.

Martha had run

the marble test again.

She had watched Peter

put the marble at his anus.

There wasn't the slightest doubt.

It was the ultimate proof

that Lund was a pervert.

Who used the little one

for his disgusting games.

Hurry UP!

Yeah, 'is important.

Unfortunately, Peter had put

the marble into his nose.

He couldn't breathe.

The timing couldn't be worse,

the passer-by thought...

before he spat blood.

Unfortunately, Peter had put

the marble into his nose.

He couldn't breathe.

The timing couldn't be better,

Dr Vanderberg thought...

and began his search.

Good morning!

I've had it! I'm leavin'!

CHRISTMAS - THE LIFE SHOW

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

Who would have thought?!

What a spectacle!

- You'll never get a divorce.

- Divorce? Why divorce?

General Obens is dead.

The mission is at stake.

- Your mission up my ass!

Oh... really?!

Three Madmen and a Kitchen!

Cheerio, Werner!

Where are you going?

And up the stairs it goes!

I'm your boyfriend!

- I can't live without you!

- Leave me alone!

Without you, I'm not human!

I'll be an animal!

The return of the three madmen!

Surprise, surprise!

Leave me alone!

Stop babbling! The show

starts in half an hour.

- Don't you see

what's going on here?

Don't you understand?

I must help her, Lund!

- 'Help her', 'help her'!

- You never think of me!

Now look who's coming!

How unexpected!

Upsadaisy!

And here we go!

That might hurt a little.

Let's see if she

can find the marble.

Upsadaisy!

Oops!

That was Serbo-Croatian.

100 POINTS

100 POINTS

100 POINTS

Just five minutes later,

Lund returned.

Everything went from

bad to worse.

Martha had disfigured

her son completely.

Now she was begging

for forgiveness.

Lund honked his horn

till the cows came home.

Being apart from Werner

had changed him forever.

If Martha didn't get

her act together,

Werner would hit the road.

She had to get him back!

So stop screaming woman!

And fix him a cup of tea!

Or a little snack!

- G'day!

- G'day, Werner!

Are you a cunt?

Or are you a general?

- A general.

- There you go!

You're a darling!

Oh yes you are!

IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD

UN CAMP

REEL SIX

Things had changed at the camp.

Hassan had taken over.

Now he tried to destroy

the UN by all means.

Thanks to my dad's imagination

the UN kept a spark of dignity.

Tonight's gonna be fun!

And I'll be with ya!

Your sweet lil' Lund!

- I can't, I can't, I can't.

- We belong together forever.

- Look at me, I'm all fun!

- Finish my paint!

What d'you want for fuck's sake?

I'm coming!

- We gotta go, I'm outta paint!

I'm coming!

What the fuck do you want?

Tell the fat hippo that Europeans

have a great sense of humour.

Or we wouldn't be here!

Fuck off already!

Come on Werner, do it for me!

Think about tonight!

And Martha.

Ladies and gentleman!

From Germany with love.

Folklore's finest:

UN general Werner Brenner!

Werner was appalled.

How often he had

fought for the blacks!

For a new playground or the

state-of-the-art crematorium!

He had learned

and lived their rituals.

And now that!

Never expect

thanks for anything!

One man's journey

is another man's story!

Down with the UN!

Down with American imperialism!

And the world understood:

When you say UN,

the shit won't hit the fan!

THE HEROD HOSPITAL

SCROLL NUMBER SEVEN

What's up?

Asshole!

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE

OF SURGERY

HETEROSCHMETEROIST!

That same night Effi Briest

arrived at the hospital

and sank into the bishop's arms.

Only Pierre could help her now,

only Pierre could feel her pain.

Effi Briest's real husband

had lost the game.

His dream of

the Last Supper was a lie.

Nothing was as it used to be.

Time simply stood still.

Even the slightest movement

vanished into a big nothing.

Effi's choice was Pierre.

And Pierre's choice was...

Effi!

Flying, she softly whispered.

She couldn't believe her eyes.

Her son - a hero?

Mum! Dad! I love you so much!

I love you! Mum! Dad!

Dr Vanderberg entered and

welcomed the Mother of God.

It had taken a long time

but now Peter's head was safe.

The search had not been in vain.

Effi Briest was given the marble.

We come back in five years.

Everything broken. Must repair!

FIVE YEARS LATER

Burning UN soldier on jelly.

The air was filled with

the scent of jacarandas.

The rainy season had begun.

And the swans had flown

to the River Laktunga.

Like every morning bishop

Pierre collected his nuns.

And thanked God

for the wonders of nature.

Martha had become an alcoholic.

Every day, she drank hundreds

of those small red thingies.

Pierre had tenderly

protected her and Werner.

Peter's return was near.

The much praised multi-cultural

community was at stake.

Put your whiskey bottle

on my head

so I can blow you standing up!

Werner thought.

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE

GAP

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE

CRACK

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE

GAP

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE

CRACK

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE

GAP

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE

CRACK

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE

GAP

Peter's father had put on

his artificial limbs.

Now he could enter

Dr Vanterberg's dungeons.

His heart was racing.

And a biting and bitter

smell tortured his nose.

Where is my son?

I demand an explanation!

Your son is very

dangerous, you know?

He's cruel. Just cruel!

Cruel? Everyone is cruel!

He has a 21 .5-inch penis

in his crack!

Look, Peter!

Is that daddy?

Holy shit!

Werner couldn't

believe his eyes.

Peter had changed completely.

His once beautiful face

had turned into an ugly grimace.

Why shouldn't I be afraid?

THE TRUMPET OF JERICHO

That same day Peter

left the hospital.

There were extreme

safety measures.

Peter was wearing

a cute red hood

while his daddy

landed the helicopter.

This is daddy speaking!

Release the little one!

Werner, you coward,

you fucking coward!

Ladies and gentlemen,

did you expect that?

- What's up? Why did you stop?

- He smells like an army!

So what? Are you

a cunt or a general?

- I'm a cunt.

- You funny boner!

This is General!

Come in, cunt!

JESUS PANNE was overjoyed.

Back with mother

and father at last!

Back at home at last!

Only Werner wasn't happy.

He observed how JESUS

was slowly drifting

into the obscure cult

of a failed priest.

Cunt, come in!

Please roger!

- How could that happen?

- I coulda been dead!

- Dead? My son is the Destroyer.

- He who owns him is invincible.

Invincible!

- Invincible.

Peter had superhuman powers.

His crack was

steaming and hissing.

And he destroyed the house

in less than three minutes.

Werner had to take action.

If Peter fell in the

hands of the dictator

he would be used as the

engine for his missile

and destroy the world.

The world was a bad place

and Peter was in great danger.

When I run through the trees

I just love to have some cheese!

Love to have some cheese!

While you my dear

are waiting here!

When I'm hungry again

let me please

have some more,

some more cheese!

While you my dear

are waiting here!

Shut your trap!

Horst, he's talking to you!

What do you mean?

Let me handle that!

What are you doing?

Leave me alone!

Naughty, naughty!

This is daddy speaking!

Who is this guy?

- I am afraid. Afraid.

- Pull yourself together!

Sing a song!

- Lund, I can't do it.

- Werner, you can do it!

I can't!

Naughty, naughty!

Be quiet! Don't tell them!

Shoot, Werner, shoot!

I simply can't do it!

The missile had missed its target.

But as so often in life,

everyone agreed

that it hadn't missed.

What a whore!

I had made it! I proudly drove

through the streets with Hassan

and enjoyed the cheering.

Now dad was jealous.

He desperately tried to

assassinate Hassan.

But Hassan was stronger and mum

and dad were severely punished.

The UN mission

was a great success.

The efforts had paid off.

And the world understood:

When you say UN,

the shit won't hit the fan!

THE DESTRUCTION

OF THE WORLD

LAST CHAPTER

Martha and Peter were appalled.

Peter was in the hands of

political and religious fanatics

whose aim was the

destruction of the world

using our hero PETER PANNE

for their filthy agenda!

Dad had lost everything.

Life was but a game.

And the game was over.

As we said:

Life was but a game.

And the game was over.

Martha and Werner had

found peace in their orgasms.

A peace that was so badly needed

and that was so hard to find.

It took them 30 years

to find themselves.

And now it was clear:

Peace wasn't just a word.

Peace was reality.

If you let it.

Life was but a game.

And the world was over.

Life was but a game.

And the world was over.

Washington D.C.

Christmas Eve

Cicciollina had run

the marble test again

and had observed how Jeff Koons

unmistakably put the

china putto at his behind.

It was a clear proof that the

president of the USA was a pervert

who wanted to use the Holy

Family for his filthy games.

What's up?

You idiot!

Push, Martha, push!

Y'know, you're almost there!

THE END

Dedicated to the victims

of slowness and the UN.

5 years later

Subtitles:

Tobias Rauscher