The Slit (1996) - full transcript

Africa - Land of the ever-shining sun, German soldiers fulfilling a U.N. mission. For General Brenner a dream comes true: Here, where the people are simple, the German can prove his abilities. But then the virgin wife of Brenner gives birth to her first child. Is it the new Messiah? But what is a Messiah good for if the U.N. is already there?

Attention!!!

The following film
contains subliminal effects!

If you're pregnant or epileptic
leave after 30 minutes at the most.

Thank you
for your understanding.

Tanja Blixen and Astrid Lidgren
are spoken by Susanne Bredehöft.

Peter Panne and Bela Lugosi
are spoken by Thomas Nicolai.

Both speakers are
dressed by Hölter.

This following film tells the
true story of little Peter Panne,

son of a German UN general
and an American hooker.

People simply called him JESU.

While his father fails at the UN,
a horde of Africans tries to destroy



the president of the USA
with a German V2 missile.

JESU PETERS mother rams a
needle into the boy's head

so JESU ends up in hospital.

Despite his disability and
a 33-lb crack on his head

MOHAMMED PETER
manages to save the world

and destroy the American
president forever and ever.

Africa! Infinite vastness, curly
hair and the smell of diesel oil.

Peter Panne's story starts
about an hour before his birth.

That's my dear daddy!,
Peter said.

A German UN officer
on a humane mission.

He helps the blacks
and saves their future.

It's a sexual obsession
for my father, Peter said.

Here we see a horde of
slobs gone wild.

Fucking, drinking, dancing
all day long, Peter said.



This self-appointed dictator
studied in Munich.

Hassan El Hatschi!

His plan is the destruction of
the American president

with a German missile.
He will have to understand:

A bird in the hand is worth
the UN in the bush, Peter said.

My dear mummy has
a long criminal record.

Twenty years in jail
for exhibitionism.

Daddy never slept with her
and yet she's pregnant.

When Peter heard "rocket",
he escaped the uterus.

He was the only rocket in town!

Peter Panne, son of
Mohammed, God of gods!

The saviour of the
world!, Peter said.

Everything fine.
Will work!

Dr. Vanderberg was
a pathetic coward.

After the Challenger disaster
he had escaped to Africa.

And started his experiments
with human engines.

A thorn in the flesh of
Werner von Braun.

A moron in a lab coat!

Lund was a
complete asshole, too.

A dyed-in-the-wool pervert.

Fucking my dad at night,
jerking off kids by day.

Enough was enough!

The world was a bad place.
I had to save it!

Peter Panne had made it.

Like a maniac he bit
his mother's uterus.

Let me out! Let me out!,
he yelled.

I want to save the world
and spray my juices!

To put out all the pain.

While the proud parade
approached the helicopter

Hassan waved goodbye
from his German rocket

Peter's mother
gave an interview.

And Peter's father
pulled his fuse.

The UN mission was
a great success.

The world finally understood:

When you say UN,
the shit won't hit the fan!

Keep your hands off my wife!

DEM FILM
PRESENTS

THE CRACK

THE GAP

THE CRACK

THE GAP

THE BIRTH OF THE MESSIAH

The messiah is born,
forget all your fears.

He has a big head
and really big ears.

He has a big head
and really big ears!

His head is covered
with countless ruins.

His visage like ivory.

Honey and myrtle
pour from his crack.

Oh Lord, I felt you coming!

You give me strength!

2000 years of Vatican
was a tough time.

But now you're here
and all will be good.

We will overthrow the Pope!

And we'll drink his blood!

Down with the Vatican!

Down with the
Roman Catholic church!

Bishop Pierre had made
a Catholic straw puppet.

He took his congregation
down the valley

to deliver the news of the
birth of JESU PANNE.

He had been excommunicated
in Austria for a reason.

But here in Africa people
were still plain and simple.

And he was
welcomed with gratitude.

THE BIRTH OF
THE MOTHER OF GOD

CHAPTER TWO

The day of Peter's circumcision
was a beautiful day.

Colourful flags everywhere.

Merchants from the Serengeti
brought myrrh and ivory.

The straw puppet was
replaced with baby Peter

who couldn't wait
to get circumcised.

Bishop Pierre was dinging it
in everyone's ears for hours

declaring Peter's mother
Mother of God.

But Martha refused.

Martha got completely
out of control.

Like a gigantic orgasm,
the wave of African folklore

penetrated her into a growing
helix of hatred and violence.

Pierre had put a spell on her.

He gave her back the
confidence she forgot she had.

Uh, yeah, Peter said.

She was the Mother of God,
Peter said.

And dad was a pig.

THE HOLY FAMILY!

CHAPTER THREE

Peter's mother was humiliated.

Werner hadn't slept
with her once.

In her eyes, he was
nothing but a whore.

A gay German UN whore.

Martha only knew too well.

After all, her sex with Werner
was only fellatio.

She could tell any other
sperm from his.

In colour and taste.

In quantity and consistency.

Yo, Werner!

Y'know sumtin?
I'll cook ya sumtin!

THE PROPHECY

Now Martha understood.

Sexually, Werner liked to
take the backdoor.

And only Pierre
could show her the way

to a new Mother of God.

So she internalized his
prophecy the hard way.

Like a maelstrom
of wrong feelings

the images poured ecstatically.

The blacks finished school.

Contraception was
discussed publicly.

The famine was history.

And the symbol of independence

was hard and tight as ever.

GOOD SEX WILL BE PUNISHED

Martha had never been happier.

She enjoyed being
the Mother of God.

Pierre had satisfied her.

And he had healed her
screwed-up sexuality.

I don't care if you're
fucking with Werner.

As long as we become humans.

The gay situation is
nothing for Jesus Christ.

Pierre had questioned Peter's
homosexual upbringing.

He knew what kind of
danger Peter was facing.

Lund was a pervert and
lusting after Peter's...

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

PAGE FIVE

Martha asked.

The UN mission
was a great success.

The efforts had paid off.

And the world understood:

When you say UN,
the shit won't hit the fan!

CHILD SEX AT THE UN CAMP

Martha was frantic with rage.

Lund had played
with Peter's anus again.

He had covered
the little one with faeces.

What an enormous mess!

Peter was confronted with
a bunch of questions.

If only his mother hadn't
given him this cheap marble

Peter would've
been spared a lot.

Martha had run
the marble test again.

She had watched Peter
put the marble at his anus.

There wasn't the slightest doubt.

It was the ultimate proof
that Lund was a pervert.

Who used the little one
for his disgusting games.

Hurry UP!

Yeah, 'is important.

Unfortunately, Peter had put
the marble into his nose.

He couldn't breathe.

The timing couldn't be worse,
the passer-by thought...

before he spat blood.

Unfortunately, Peter had put
the marble into his nose.

He couldn't breathe.

The timing couldn't be better,
Dr Vanderberg thought...

and began his search.

Good morning!

I've had it! I'm leavin'!

CHRISTMAS - THE LIFE SHOW

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
Who would have thought?!

What a spectacle!

- You'll never get a divorce.
- Divorce? Why divorce?

General Obens is dead.
The mission is at stake.

- Your mission up my ass!

Oh... really?!

Three Madmen and a Kitchen!

Cheerio, Werner!

Where are you going?

And up the stairs it goes!

I'm your boyfriend!

- I can't live without you!
- Leave me alone!

Without you, I'm not human!
I'll be an animal!

The return of the three madmen!

Surprise, surprise!

Leave me alone!

Stop babbling! The show
starts in half an hour.

- Don't you see
what's going on here?

Don't you understand?
I must help her, Lund!

- 'Help her', 'help her'!
- You never think of me!

Now look who's coming!
How unexpected!

Upsadaisy!

And here we go!
That might hurt a little.

Let's see if she
can find the marble.

Upsadaisy!
Oops!

That was Serbo-Croatian.

100 POINTS

100 POINTS

100 POINTS

Just five minutes later,
Lund returned.

Everything went from
bad to worse.

Martha had disfigured
her son completely.

Now she was begging
for forgiveness.

Lund honked his horn
till the cows came home.

Being apart from Werner
had changed him forever.

If Martha didn't get
her act together,

Werner would hit the road.

She had to get him back!

So stop screaming woman!

And fix him a cup of tea!

Or a little snack!

- G'day!
- G'day, Werner!

Are you a cunt?
Or are you a general?

- A general.
- There you go!

You're a darling!
Oh yes you are!

IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD
UN CAMP

REEL SIX

Things had changed at the camp.

Hassan had taken over.

Now he tried to destroy
the UN by all means.

Thanks to my dad's imagination
the UN kept a spark of dignity.

Tonight's gonna be fun!
And I'll be with ya!

Your sweet lil' Lund!

- I can't, I can't, I can't.

- We belong together forever.

- Look at me, I'm all fun!
- Finish my paint!

What d'you want for fuck's sake?

I'm coming!

- We gotta go, I'm outta paint!

I'm coming!

What the fuck do you want?

Tell the fat hippo that Europeans
have a great sense of humour.

Or we wouldn't be here!

Fuck off already!

Come on Werner, do it for me!

Think about tonight!

And Martha.

Ladies and gentleman!
From Germany with love.

Folklore's finest:
UN general Werner Brenner!

Werner was appalled.

How often he had
fought for the blacks!

For a new playground or the
state-of-the-art crematorium!

He had learned
and lived their rituals.

And now that!

Never expect
thanks for anything!

One man's journey
is another man's story!

Down with the UN!

Down with American imperialism!

And the world understood:

When you say UN,
the shit won't hit the fan!

THE HEROD HOSPITAL

SCROLL NUMBER SEVEN

What's up?

Asshole!

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE
OF SURGERY

HETEROSCHMETEROIST!

That same night Effi Briest
arrived at the hospital

and sank into the bishop's arms.

Only Pierre could help her now,
only Pierre could feel her pain.

Effi Briest's real husband
had lost the game.

His dream of
the Last Supper was a lie.

Nothing was as it used to be.
Time simply stood still.

Even the slightest movement
vanished into a big nothing.

Effi's choice was Pierre.

And Pierre's choice was...

Effi!

Flying, she softly whispered.

She couldn't believe her eyes.

Her son - a hero?

Mum! Dad! I love you so much!

I love you! Mum! Dad!

Dr Vanderberg entered and
welcomed the Mother of God.

It had taken a long time
but now Peter's head was safe.

The search had not been in vain.
Effi Briest was given the marble.

We come back in five years.
Everything broken. Must repair!

FIVE YEARS LATER

Burning UN soldier on jelly.

The air was filled with
the scent of jacarandas.

The rainy season had begun.

And the swans had flown
to the River Laktunga.

Like every morning bishop
Pierre collected his nuns.

And thanked God
for the wonders of nature.

Martha had become an alcoholic.

Every day, she drank hundreds
of those small red thingies.

Pierre had tenderly
protected her and Werner.

Peter's return was near.

The much praised multi-cultural
community was at stake.

Put your whiskey bottle
on my head

so I can blow you standing up!

Werner thought.

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE
GAP

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE
CRACK

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE
GAP

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE
CRACK

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE
GAP

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE
CRACK

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE
GAP

Peter's father had put on
his artificial limbs.

Now he could enter
Dr Vanterberg's dungeons.

His heart was racing.

And a biting and bitter
smell tortured his nose.

Where is my son?

I demand an explanation!

Your son is very
dangerous, you know?

He's cruel. Just cruel!

Cruel? Everyone is cruel!

He has a 21 .5-inch penis

in his crack!

Look, Peter!

Is that daddy?

Holy shit!

Werner couldn't
believe his eyes.

Peter had changed completely.

His once beautiful face

had turned into an ugly grimace.

Why shouldn't I be afraid?

THE TRUMPET OF JERICHO

That same day Peter
left the hospital.

There were extreme
safety measures.

Peter was wearing
a cute red hood

while his daddy
landed the helicopter.

This is daddy speaking!

Release the little one!

Werner, you coward,
you fucking coward!

Ladies and gentlemen,
did you expect that?

- What's up? Why did you stop?
- He smells like an army!

So what? Are you
a cunt or a general?

- I'm a cunt.
- You funny boner!

This is General!
Come in, cunt!

JESUS PANNE was overjoyed.

Back with mother
and father at last!

Back at home at last!

Only Werner wasn't happy.

He observed how JESUS
was slowly drifting

into the obscure cult
of a failed priest.

Cunt, come in!

Please roger!

- How could that happen?
- I coulda been dead!

- Dead? My son is the Destroyer.
- He who owns him is invincible.

Invincible!

- Invincible.

Peter had superhuman powers.

His crack was
steaming and hissing.

And he destroyed the house
in less than three minutes.

Werner had to take action.

If Peter fell in the
hands of the dictator

he would be used as the
engine for his missile

and destroy the world.

The world was a bad place

and Peter was in great danger.

When I run through the trees

I just love to have some cheese!

Love to have some cheese!

While you my dear
are waiting here!

When I'm hungry again

let me please

have some more,
some more cheese!

While you my dear
are waiting here!

Shut your trap!

Horst, he's talking to you!

What do you mean?
Let me handle that!

What are you doing?
Leave me alone!

Naughty, naughty!

This is daddy speaking!

Who is this guy?

- I am afraid. Afraid.
- Pull yourself together!

Sing a song!

- Lund, I can't do it.
- Werner, you can do it!

I can't!

Naughty, naughty!

Be quiet! Don't tell them!

Shoot, Werner, shoot!

I simply can't do it!

The missile had missed its target.

But as so often in life,
everyone agreed

that it hadn't missed.

What a whore!

I had made it! I proudly drove
through the streets with Hassan

and enjoyed the cheering.

Now dad was jealous.

He desperately tried to
assassinate Hassan.

But Hassan was stronger and mum
and dad were severely punished.

The UN mission
was a great success.

The efforts had paid off.

And the world understood:

When you say UN,
the shit won't hit the fan!

THE DESTRUCTION
OF THE WORLD

LAST CHAPTER

Martha and Peter were appalled.

Peter was in the hands of
political and religious fanatics

whose aim was the
destruction of the world

using our hero PETER PANNE

for their filthy agenda!

Dad had lost everything.

Life was but a game.
And the game was over.

As we said:

Life was but a game.
And the game was over.

Martha and Werner had
found peace in their orgasms.

A peace that was so badly needed

and that was so hard to find.

It took them 30 years
to find themselves.

And now it was clear:

Peace wasn't just a word.

Peace was reality.

If you let it.

Life was but a game.

And the world was over.

Life was but a game.

And the world was over.

Washington D.C.
Christmas Eve

Cicciollina had run
the marble test again

and had observed how Jeff Koons

unmistakably put the
china putto at his behind.

It was a clear proof that the
president of the USA was a pervert

who wanted to use the Holy
Family for his filthy games.

What's up?

You idiot!

Push, Martha, push!
Y'know, you're almost there!

THE END

Dedicated to the victims
of slowness and the UN.

5 years later

Subtitles:
Tobias Rauscher

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