The Sitter (2011) - full transcript

Come inside, take off your coat.

I'll make you feel at home.

Now let's pour a glass of wine

'Cause now we're all alone.

Oh. My God!

Girl you make me feel real good.

That's right.

What's up?

Oh, my God.

My mom was so right.

Nice guys really do
eat the best pussy.



I'm not really sure how to
interpret that. Thank you?

Oh, my God.

How are you so good at that?

I'll let you in on
a trade secret.

I actually write a short story
with my tongue every time I do it.

It follows this young kid

who finds this alien in the woods with
all these Reese's Pieces and stuff.

And he learns that aliens
are just no different.

You just can connect
with anyone.

It's kind of like E.T., only
with a lot more going down on chicks.

- Cool beans.
- Yeah, cool beans.

- Definitely. Cool little frozen beans.
- Yeah.

All right, so...

- Thank you for coming.
- Thank you.



Yeah, we should...

- We should probably...
- Yeah, you should probably go.

Switch places.

What's that?

- I figured...
- Don't you have to go?

No, no, I just figured because
I made "mouth love" to you

that maybe you could return the favor.

- What?
- Maybe toss a BJ my way.

If you have time.

My stomach is
super-iffy right now.

I think I got food poisoning.

Baby.

So I'm just in no condition
to blow you right now, Noah.

- No, yeah, that's cool.
- Okay.

Sorry. Next time, sweetie.

Are you sure you don't
want to come over tonight?

There's this thing called
a geomagnetic storm.

It's really cool and
rare, actually.

It's like an astronomical explosion in
the sky of all these beautiful colors.

Kind of like Mother Nature's fireworks.
It happens, like, almost never.

Like I said, I'm just
not feeling good.

But thank you so much
for going down on me.

Oh, yeah. You're really good
at getting going down on,

getting downed on,

- so you should be proud of that as well.
- Okay, cool. You da man!

You da man.

Peace. You're the best, sweetie.

Don't stop believing in
yourself, okay, Maris?

Uncle Ricky, could you
read us a bedtime story?

Please, please?

Here we go.

Once upon a time, not long ago.

Where people wore pajamas
and lived life slow.

Where la ws were stern
and justice stood.

And people were behavin'
like they ought to good.

There lived a little
boy who was misled.

By another little boy and
this is what he said.

Me and you Tike We're
gonna make some cash.

Robbin' old folks and
makin' the dash.

They did the job, money
came with ease.

But one couldn't stop It's
like he bade disease.

He robbed another and another
anda sister anda brother.

Tried to rob a man who was
a D.T. undercover.

The cap grabbed his arm He
started actin' erratic.

He said, "Keep still bay,
no need for static".

Punched him in his belly
and gave him a slap.

But little did he know The
little boy was strapped.

The kid pulled outta gun He
said, "Why'd you hit me? ".

The barrel was set straight
for the cop's kidney.

Han up the stairs up
to the tap floor.

Opened up a door, there
guess who he saw.

Dave, the dope fiend
shaatin' dope.

Who don't know the meaning
of water nor soap?

He said, "I need bullets,
hurry up, run ".

The dope fiend rolled back
a spankin' shot gun.

This ain't funny, so
don't ya dare laugh.

Just another case about
the wrong pa ti?

Straight and narrow or
your soul gets cast.

Good night.

- Yo, Mom, what's up?
- Noah!

Where were you?
Were you out with that girl again?

Yeah, but she's not
"that girl," okay?

We're in a relationship.
It's legit.

So have you started
looking for a job yet?

I can't afford to have you
sitting around all day.

You're in a period of stasis.
Just a stage of stasis.

Sorry. - You sure you
don't want that beer now?

Or maybe something stronger?
I have absinthe.

Why can't we hit up Dad?
He owes us 10 years of alimony.

Oh, look, kiddo.

If you're looking for a handout,
think again times 10.

That guy's a diamond dealer.
He has crazy cash.

Why'd you marry such an A-hole?

That A-hole gave me the
greatest gift in the world.

Crabs?

He gave me you.

Okay.

So, tell me, what do you think?

- Do I look okay?
- You look amazing.

Why are you so concerned
with your outfit?

Mrs. Pedulla is introducing
me to a surgeon

- at the fundraiser at the Historical Society.
- Okay.

- She thinks we're going to hit it off.
- Nice.

Well, don't give
it up too easily.

- Give what up?
- What?

- Give what up?
- What did...

- What the hell are you talking about?
- I don't know.

- Have fun. I love you. Okay?
- I love you.

- Hey, Mom.
- Yeah.

I think you're going to
have a really great night,

and you look beautiful.

Oh.
From your lips to God's ears.

Scientists are predicting a giant
storm over the city tonight.

A geomagnetic storm, that is.

Caused by flare-ups an the sun,

this rare storm affects the
Earth's magnetic field...

Noah, can you get the phone?

Mom, the phone's ringing!

Noah, please get the phone!

Mom, the phone's ringing!
Do you hear it?

Noah, can't you think about somebody
else besides yourself for once?

No, I totally was.
That's why I said the phone was ringing.

I was letting you know
that it was ringing.

Yeah.
I'm thrilled about tonight.

You flip, but they flap.
You flip, but they flop!

What? Oh, is that right?

They perfected the pancake?

- A rain check?
- It's a perfect pancake!

- No, that's fine.
- It's perfect.

Mom, tell whoever's on the phone
that there's a perfect pancake.

Thanks.

I'm not going after all.

What? Why?

The Pedullas' sitter
canceled at the last minute.

What?

Do I have shit on my face?

Come on. Don't tell me
you can't use the money.

Are you crazy? No.
I'm not Mary Poppins.

I'm not gonna be a babysitter.
I'm an adult man.

Okay? Babysitting sucks.
Adult men don't babysit things.

Oh, Noah, you're
wonderful with children!

You know, never mind.

Who am I kidding?
Finding a guy at my age is ridiculous.

I'm going to change my dress.

What are you in the mood for?
Chinese?

Oh, come on.

Ding-dong!

- Noah!
- Mrs. Pedulla.

It's so good to see you!

Oh, my gosh.

Get over... Bring it in for a hug, babe.
What are we doing?

God, I haven't see you
since you were, like, 15.

Yeah. So Dr. Pedulla, he's still alive?
You two are still together?

Oh! That's my kind
of TV, right there.

Yeah, well, feel free to
watch anything you want.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

Hey, Slater?

Anyway, honey, this is Noah.
He's going to be babysitting tonight.

- What happened to Nancy?
- Honey, we talked about this.

Nancy has a urinary
tract infection, okay?

Is Clayton coming over tonight?

No, Mom.
His tarantula died from parasites,

And now he's in mourning.

Well, you're in luck, Noah.

The two of them together
are just trouble.

Hey. That's not true.

Why do you say that?
You're always attacking us!

Honey, I am not attacking you.

Okay? Calm down.

- You know what? I'll be right back.
- Yeah.

Okay? Excuse me just one second.

Hello?

Hey, what are you watching?

- Just watching some gymnastics.
- Cool.

Hey, how old are you, man?

- Thirteen.
- Thirteen?

What am I doing here?
Why aren't you babysitting yourself?

- I'm not a babysitter, okay?
- Yeah, neither am I.

If you would just
man up and babysit,

I wouldn't have to be here tonight.
I could be out having fun.

I have severe anxiety issues.

And my doctor, he says that I can't
handle any kind of responsibility,

or else I could just snap...

at any moment.

Jesus Christ, man. Relax.

Okay. Sorry.

Slater, nice to meet you.

All right, should we go upstairs?
Bye, honey.

We're gonna have
some fun tonight, pal.

Hall back nice and easy.

Keep your breath inside
so you don't get wheezy.

Honey! What did Mommy tell you
about the mascara? Put it down.

- You said I could play dress-up.
- Yeah, I said you could play dress-up,

not make yourself
look like a hooker.

Look at you!

My daughter Blithe is going
through this whole "celebutante" phase.

It's kind of unfortunate,
but it's a fad.

That's what they
do in the schools.

It'll pass.
I don't know where they come from.

- Kids, right?
- Yeah, kids.

Are you the babysitter?

Why, in fact, I am. I'm Noah.

- Noah. That's your name?
- Yeah.

That's a super-hot name.

What?

Honey, it's not hot.
It's just his name.

Mom, trust me. It's a hot name.

It's actually biblical.

The Bible's a hot book.

Sometimes I like to get dressed up
and wear my mom's makeup, Noah.

- That's cool.
- I was thinking

we could dress you
up like a princess.

- No, I don't think...
- No, honey,

- maybe not tonight.
- Mom!

- Excuse me just one second.
- Yeah, see you in a sec.

Hey, Noah.
I have a little surprise for you.

Cool. Thanks. What is it?

Do you like to smell pretty?

Do I like to what?

Oh, my God!
You got it right in my mouth!

Why'd you do that?

You just spit on my carpet!

And you just sprayed
perfume in my mouth!

What's your problem?

My real babysitter, Nancy, she
plays with me when she babysits.

She does what I want her
to do, Princess Noah!

You know what?

I'm gonna let
you in on a little secret.

I'm not a real babysitter.

Shocking.

I'm more of a sit-on-the-couch,
eat-a-burrito,

do-whatever-I-say-or-I'll-kill-you
type of babysitter.

That's my style, blood.
You understand?

Well, I want to wear sparkly things,
shiny things, and glittery stuff

to my favorite hot
nightclub, okay?

- Mother fuck!
- You guys okay in here?

What's up? Yeah, no, yeah,

I'm just hanging with this
little angel right here.

Yeah, we're just chillin'.

- That's funny.
- Your breath is really flowery.

- Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
- Yeah.

- Okay, should we go downstairs?
- Yeah, cool.

Tonight's main event
features crowd favorite.

Ricky Fontaine versus
Dustin MacMillan.

Rodrigo!

What did I tell you about
fireworks in the house?

And can you shut off the
kickboxing for one night, please?

Say hula to Noah.

We just adopted him from
El Salvador last year

and, you know, he's going
through some transitions.

- Okay, cool. MRS.
- Okay, well,

we'll see you later, all right?

Bes as.

- Sweet kid.
- Yeah.

He's a cutie pie.

You kind of have to
watch out for Rodrigo.

He has a habit of running away.

Here, hold on to this.

We sewed a GPS chip into his jacket
so we could keep track of him.

It's kind of like a
LoJack for kids.

Cool. It's just like a little dot
that follows him, like a fugitive.

Hey, honey, we're running late!
Let's go!

- So...
- In a minute.

All of our information is
in here, under the blue tab.

There's some frozen pizzas
and pudding in the fridge,

and we'll be at the Historical
Society if you need us.

Cool.

Someone smells wonderful!

I believe that's Noah's mouth.
You remember Noah.

I understand you were cited recently
for driving under the influence.

Needless to say, our cars
are off-limits to you.

Okay, no cars. Got it.

We'll be back no
later than 1:00.

Earlier's good for me,
too, so hurry home.

- And thank you!
- Thank you, sweetheart.

What the fuck am I doing here?

I come in peace.

And you go in pieces, asshole.

What's up, little man?

What'd you do that for?

You clean it.

You clean it.

- Fucking weirdo.
- Hey, Noah!

How's that perfume taste?

Rodrigo, what is your deal?
Stop!

Can we go to a club tonight?
This place is so dead.

No.

Don't you just want to
go dancing or something?

Rodrigo, seriously, what
is your deal? Stop!

I'm trying to watch TV with
JonBenet Ramsey over here.

- That's uncomfortable.
- Do you want to hear some gossip?

- I got some hot gossip.
- I'm okay, actually.

I'm trying to watch this, if
you could be quiet.

Give it.

I'm watching this, so can you guys
just be quiet, please? Thank you.

I know a
secret nobody else knows.

- Oh, what's up, twins?
- Ls Slater home?

- Is he here?
- Yeah, oh, my God!

Slater!

You got the two redrum chicks from
The Shining here to see you!

- Slater's a cool guy.
- We go to school together.

- Oh, my God!
- Take care.

Hi, Slater!

Wendy Sapperstein is having
her Bat Mitzvah tonight,

and she said it was okay if
some boys wanted to crash it.

- But we only want the super-cute boys.
- I don't know if I could make it tonight.

My parents aren't home, and I'm not
really supposed to go anywhere.

Well, if you want to
come, you can text us.

- Yeah, text us, definitely.
- Okay.

- I'll see you later, guys.
- Okay, cool!

What's cooking, good-looking?

You know what? I'm at a party.

Party? I thought you
had food poisoning.

I did, and then Steph called me,
and she invited me to this party.

- Do you want to came?
- Damn!

I'm doing something
for my mom right now.

I really, really
want to see you.

I'm actually, like,
super-horn y for you,

and I was thinking
we could have sex.

Like intercourse sex?

Yeah, like full-on vaginal sex.

Yeah, I think I can work something out.
Yeah. For sure.

A Wes om e.

Listen, will you do me a favor and
pick up some coke on your way?

Yeah, sure. Do you want anything
else, like beer, mixers?

No, I mean, like,

coke!

You mean blow?

I thought you were done with that stuff.
That stuff's bad news.

I am done with it.
It's not for me. It's for Steph,

and it's her birthday.
She asked me for it.

I'm just trying to be a
really good friend about it.

I don't even know where I'd
get something like that.

Just call Karl.

Who's Karl?

He's just a super-awesome
guy who sells me drugs.

Used to sell me drugs.

Noah...

I only have 150 bucks.

That's more than enough.

Just ask for one ticket,
and he hook it up.

Leave me alone, asshole!
I'm on the phone with my boyfriend.

Did you just call
me your boyfriend?

Yeah, I guess I did.
So are you coming or not?

Hello? Are you there?

Yeah. Fuck it. I'm in.

Holy shit balls.

A minivan.

That car's not hot at all.

As much as I hate to do this,
we're going on a little field trip.

What is your deal?
Why are you wearing so much makeup?

Looking real fly
on my way to the club.

Gonna dance all night
and get fucked up.

Say whatever you want.
I know I look good.

All right, one of you guys
has to hop up here with me.

I'm not your chauffeur.

What if you hit
somebody or something?

I mean, it's safer for children
to be in the back seat.

You are such a bitch.
Grow a set of nuts.

I beat him for you.

- Get his ass.
- Guys.

Not again.
Stop being such children.

- Hit him in the face, dawg!
- Go away.

- Stop it.
- One thing about Rodrigo.

He's not a bitch, I'll
tell you that much.

Slater, seriously, tell
me you are not wearing a fanny pack.

Tell me I'm imagining that and
that's not what I'm actually seeing.

I need it to carry my pills.

Why do you take
those pills anyway?

- I already told you, I have issues.
- Issues?

You look like a Gap model!

When I was your age, I had
a mouth full of braces

and a face like a
Papa John's pizza.

Those are real issues, my man.

Whatever.

I've got a good idea.
Why don't we go to a dance club?

Why don't we play a game?

- Like Spin the Bottle?
- No, not like Spin the Bottle,

like a little game I invented
called the Shut-the-Fuck-Up Game.

First person not to shut the
fuck up loses. Ready? Go.

Come on, Rodrigo,
you just lost, buddy.

It was not me.

Slater, that's disgusting.

Didn't your parents teach
you not to fart in the car?

You just crop-dusted me.

No, that was not me.

- Uh-oh.
- What's "uh-oh"?

It was me. I pooted.

I don't think it was
just a poot-poot.

I sharted.

Come on!

When you're
shopping It's super-coal.

Hey, Noah. Oh, my God,
isn't this shirt so cute?

- Oh, it's super-cute!
- Can you get it for me?

Yeah! Of course.
I'll get you anything you want.

- Seriously?
- No.

Here, put these on.

They're green.
I wouldn't be caught dead in these.

Don't shit your pants next time.

Dressing room's over there.
Clean up, or whatever.

Can I help you, sir?

- Can I help you?
- I'm just waiting for somebody.

- Yeah.
- Yup!

- No.
- I'm just waiting for somebody.

That's pretty weird, considering
you're a grown-ass man

hanging out in the little
girls' underwear section.

Right.
I could see how that could be

misconstrued as
strange, or whatever.

- Very.
- They fit. Let's go.

There we go. There she is.

Excuse me, young lady,
do you know this person?

- No.
- Yeah.

Which is it?

He came into my house and
stole my mom's minivan.

Now he's taking me and my
brothers to get some candy.

Okay, that sounds way, way
worse than it actually is.

Hey, don't I know
you from somewhere?

What? No, I'm the babysitter.

- What?
- He's not a real babysitter.

He's a "do-whatever-l-say-
or-I'll-kill-you type of babysitter."

What?

- That sounds way...
- That's what he said!

Blithe, shut the fuck up.

Do not tell her to shut up!

Thank you.

Shit! I remember you!
I went to high school with your ass!

You came to my house
party one time,

got all wasted, and then you
puked in my grandmama's urn.

And when I asked you
about it, you lied

and ran away like
a little biotch!

I didn't run away
like a little biotch!

I probably just ran
like a normal person.

And now you're hanging out in the
little girls' clothes section.

Can you please lower your voice?
There are numerous misunderstandings.

No, no, no. I'm not buying none of this.
Come on, little girl.

- Let me go!
- I'm not buying it!

You got some shit to deal with!

Security!

Security!

Why did you say that, Blithe?

You were trying to make
me buy green underwear.

Green underwear is not hot!

You're the worst
babysitter ever!

"You're
the worst babysitter ever!"

You guys?

Where's Rodrigo?

I don't know. I guess he left.

That's an incredible observation, Slater.
Where did he go?

I don't know.
I was talking to my friend Clayton.

- Which way did he go?
- I don't know!

Got you, you little bastard.

- Hey, what's up?
- May I help you, sir?

Yeah.

I'm looking for a
small Hispanic boy.

About 4'8", leather jacket,
pajamas, cowboy boots.

- Have you seen him?
- No.

"I've not seen a
4'8" Hispanic boy

in a leather jacket,
pajamas, and cowboy boots.

Probably would have
remembered that.

Something tells me you have
before, you fucking asshole.

Don't say no because {insist.

Somewhere, somehow someone's
got to be kissed.

There you are!
What are you doing in here?

I dropped a bomb.

That's very cute.

Come on, wash your hands.

What's so funny?

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit, what are you doing?

What is going on back there?

It's all good! Just continue
eating your meals. I know him.

He's a friend of mine.

That looks good. What is that?

You run away again, and
I'll break your legs!

Then I bite your ear!

- What? I bite your what?
- I eat your ear.

I bite it off with my teeth,
then you don't hear nothing.

That's very specific.

All right. I've got to pick
up some candy for my girlfriend.

So you guys wait here and watch
little bin Laden back there, okay?

This isn't about
getting candy, is it?

Lock the doors, keep your
head between your legs.

Don't move or talk to
anybody or look at anybody.

Don't you
fuck with me, Rodrigo.

Hey, mister! Hey, over here!

I do top shit or bottom,
whatever you want.

- Noah Griffith?
- Yeah.

Are you Karl?

No, I fucking wish, papi.

If you want to see Karl,
I'm gonna have to, like,

strip-search you.

Okay, we're good.
I believed you.

Follow me!

What the fuck?

This way.

Hey, Eduardo!

He's really cranky.

That's Russ.
He's got an attitude.

You're such a slowpoke.

Come on.

It's okay. Do it again.
Do it again.

One more time.

That's good. I like that.

- Hey, Karl!
- Oh, my God! You scared me!

You scared me, sneaking up on
me like a little squirrel!

- You have a visitor.
- Dude, the roller skates.

You're going to get track marks
all over my mahogany floors.

Are you serious?

Go get me a smoothie.
Get out of my face.

- You're no fun.
- You're no fun.

Oh, my God. Hi. Hi.

You must be Noah Griffith.
I've been waiting for you all night.

- What's up?
- I'm Karl with a.

Sorry about the banging.

We're doing some slight
renovations, as you can see.

We're knocking down some walls

so we can get a little more
square footage in here.

A little more elbow room.

- That's awesome.
- What's awesome about it?

Why is that awesome?

More room for bodybuilders
and experiments and stuff.

That's funny!
You're funny, Noah Griffith.

You're really funny.

Thank you.
You're very cool as well. So...

You sure we haven't met?

Déjà vu.

Hey, check this out.

This is an art project.

It's made from the shell of
an ancient baby dinosaur egg.

We like to package our
product artistically.

And prehistorically. Bump?

I'm fine, thanks.

I like you, Noah Griffith!
You're so shy.

You're so gorgeous and shy.
You remind me of my Aunt Shirley.

She was Asian. Are you biracial?

Karl! I got shot!

- Oh, my God.
- I got shot, Karl.

Oh, my God.

Don't let me die on
this floor, Karl.

Who shot at you?

Angelo on 14th Street shot
me in my tummy, Karl.

He shot me in my tummy.

Oh, my God.

Please, someone, please!
Somebody get me a doctor!

Please, someone...
Do you know CPR?

What? I don't know.

Do you know CPR?

I don't even think mouth-to-mouth
will help this particular situation.

Why doesn't Garv do it?

Karl, don't let me die!

I have kids, man.

My God. Jesus Christ.

Fucking hell!

Somebody help me.

- Fine! What?
- Help me, please.

He's going into shock.

- Please, help me.
- Oh, God.

Now, please, hurry up.

What's up, fool?

Got you!

What's happening right now?

I don't understand. Are you okay?
What, is this a joke?

I got him! I got him!

I could smell your breath that time.
You were so close.

- What's happening?
- You're so adorable.

You just fell for
a little prank.

- Prank?
- Around here, we pull pranks and shit

to make sure people
aren't undercover pigs

'cause we kill pigs around here.

This is Julio, my
business partner.

This is Kool-Aid, man.

Come on over here.
Let's get down to business.

Right there, there are prostitutes
and there are people with guns.

And I don't want to
get shot tonight.

She ain't nothin'
but a hoochie mama.

Hoadrat, hoadrat hoachie mama.

Oh, I love those big brown eyes And
the way you shake your thighs.

Acting like you're so damn cute Just
let your boy just slide them boots.

- You got my money?
- Yeah.

- Yeah!
- Put out your hand.

Here's one ticket.

Trick or treat, smell my feet.

- How do you know Marisa?
- You know Marisa?

She is my girlfriend, actually.

Come on, man, stop it!

Karl.

There's some kid here.

You didn't call the
fuzz, did you, Noah?

No. Rodrigo.

What are you doing? Go back to the car.
How'd you even get in here?

I pee-pee now.

- He's with you?
- Yeah, I'm babysitting.

Babysitting?

You need to go back to the car, because
you already went pee-pee. Okay?

- I pee-pee.
- Pee your pants.

What's your problem, man?
Let him take a piss!

Trying to make a little
kid hold in his pee-pee!

That's right. Oye, Fonzie.

- You go pee-pee.
- Don't make a mess!

Come in for a bear hug.

Get outta here.
Put that handshake away.

Better hug this motherfucker if
you know what's good for you.

Hug him tight!

Sword fight up in this motherfucker!
Pull it together!

Have a great night.

Okay, I know we had a few
setbacks, but we're almost done.

I just gotta drop off this
package to my girlfriend,

say a quick hi-ho to her,

then I'm going to turn us
around and take us home.

I know I can be a bit
of a prick sometimes,

so I want to thank you
guys for being patient.

Okay, so we're gonna go to
my favorite club in New York City,

and you're gonna come...

- Hey, buddy, what you got there?
- I no know.

I find it in bathroom.

Shit!

Rodrigo, give that
to me right now.

I'm serious, man.
Give it to me right now.

No way. Finder keepers.

- Put it in my hand right now!
- No.

- Rodrigo.
- No.

Just... Just let go!

- It's mine.
- Let it go! Just give it to me!

You're both such booger faces.
Stop fighting!

- Let go!
- Okay.

It's snowing!

What the fuck?

- Hello?
- Noah Griffith!

Hey!

Hey, Karl, what's up?
How did you get this number?

I got it off your Facebook page,

as I was trying to friend you
as you were walking out.

Anyway, as I was friending
you, Julio noticed that

maybe you stole a baby
dinosaur egg from me.

And it's just, like,
I'm confused.

You know what I mean?
Because I'm thinking that we're friends,

and then all of a sudden, I
don't know, it's like...

I really liked you, you know?

Karl, just relax, please.
I'm sorry, I don't have your drugs.

The kid I'm babysitting,
he took one of your eggs,

and! Was trying to get it back and it
accidentally splashed in my face.

Fucking shut the fuck up.

Unless I get my drugs back

or my money back, I'm
going to kill you!

I'll fucking kill you!

I want you to meet me
at Wing's Fish Market.

Where?

Wing's Fish Market.
It's in Chinese Town.

You meet me there in one hour with
my 10 grand, or you're dead meat.

Okay. Thanks, bye.

I have to go pee-pee now.

You're holding it in
this time, asshole.

It'll be all right.

I thought he was my friend.

It's all right.

- Shut up!
- I wanna go home.

I don't know what you're saying.

- Don't. Stop it!
- Stop! No!

- No, my lip gloss! Give it back!
- Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

What are you getting
mad at us for?

Because Rodrigo here is a thief,
and now I'm in deep shit.

And the worst part of all of this is
that I'm stuck here with you three.

You, you got more issues
than a magazine stand.

And, you, wipe the makeup off your face, Picasso.
What are you, a mob wife?

And, you, you're the worst.

I know you're a little kid, and I know I'm not
supposed to say this kind of stuff to you,

but fuck you.

Fuck you so much.

You're a douche.

Look, Noah, if you hate us that much,
then just drop us off with our parents.

You know what?
That's an amazing idea. Let's go.

I've seen the way
you look at me.

I know the things you say
when I'm not there.

But when you're here
alone with me.

Baby, don't pretend
that you don't care.

Come on, let the feeling begin.

Come on, baby Come on, yeah.

Don't stop when the
feeling begins.

Come on. I've changed my mind.
I need to clean up my mess myself.

All right, ideas, ideas,
ideas, ideas, ideas.

Okay. Slater, can you
get off the phone?

I need an idea. You can text
your buddy Clayton later, okay?

Yeah, man, seriously!

It's not Clayton.
It's those twins,

and they want me to go to Prospect Hall
for Wendy Sapperstein's Bat Mitzvah.

That's, like, a pretty
swanky joint, right?

Yeah, the Sappersteins are totally
loaded and she's, like, crazy spoiled.

Spoiled.

So lots of gifts, lots of cash.

Slater, you're a genius.
You're a genius, dude!

All right, let's go,
let's go, let's go!

Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Hustle!

All right, come on, kids.
Come on.

All right, thank you.

- This place looks like a party.
- Keep walking, keep walking.

Maybe you should just
invite anyone you know,

anyone who's ugly, because
they seem to all be here!

That's very nice.
Is that what the rabbis taught you?

Mom! This is my night.
It's my celebration,

and I did not invite these
nerds to my Bat Mitzvah!

What more can I do for you?
Rent the Taj Ma-fucking-hal for you?

There's so much blue cheese
here, it smells like barf, Mom!

Damn, Wendy Sapperstein's
a big ol' bitch!

Yeah, she scares me.

All right, guys, we're gonna
stay under the radar.

Okay? Keep it low profile.

Did you hear what I just said?
I said low profile! All right?

Stop puncturing balloons!
Do you understand me?

Noah, Noah.
Does this place have bottle service?

I want a Red Bull and vodka.

No, you don't. You don't even know what that is.
It's bad for you.

- Slater! You showed up!
- We've been looking all over for you!

- Oh. Hey.
- We've been dancing all night.

Yeah, this Bat
Mitzvah is the best!

It's like Jew city out there,
and we're the fucking mayors.

You ready to go dance?

He's ready to go dance.
This guy was born to dance.

- You want to come?
- Come on. Let's go.

You big stud.

Time to go make a Slater sandwich!
Some of that gingerbread, my man.

No bathrooms, you understand me, Rodrigo?
No baño.

- You're a pendejo.
- You're a puto.

You're a puta, bitch.

I'm gonna fuck you up, dawg!

- Noah Griffith?
- Hey.

That's you, right?

- Yeah. What's up? How's it going?
- It's Roxanne.

I lived in the dorms down the
hall from you, freshman year.

That's right.
We were in Astronomy, right?

Yeah, I sat behind
you in Astronomy.

We were, like, the only two
students who seemed to give a shit.

That's right. Yeah.

You made that scale model of
Saturn with a cantaloupe, right?

- Oh, shit, yeah.
- That was you.

- That thing was fresh. That was cool.
- Yeah, that was me.

Did you know about the
geomagnetic storm tonight?

I did. I'm gonna check it out. Are you?
I'm actually kind of excited for it.

Yeah. For sure.

- Yeah, it's gonna be cool.
- Yeah, it's gonna be pretty cool.

Stay on that dance floor!
It's time for the hora!

Hava Nagila, yeah.
You gonna go on the chair?

- I don't think so.
- Yeah?

No. No chair for me.

I can't believe you're here.
Like, I haven't seen you in forever.

Yeah, I'm actually not
in school this year.

That sucks.

But I'm working right
now, obviously.

But once I get off work, I'm going to a
pool hall with some of my co-workers.

- Would you want to come?
- Oh, cool.

That would be great, but I'm actually
in the middle of a situation currently.

Oh, yeah. No worries.
I just thought I'd ask.

No. Thank you. Any other time.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

- It was great running into you again.
- Oh, my God!

Put your fucking dick away!

You're getting piss all over me!

You're getting piss
all over my feet!

Watch out. Come on.

- Happy birthday, Wendy!
- Maze! tov, Wendy.

What were you doing?

You do not take a piss in the
middle of a party, okay?

You don't piss in the middle
of a Bat Mitzvah, you idiot!

Clayton?

Oh, shit.

What are you doing here?
What about your tarantula?

- Oh, I got over that, man.
- It's just a spider, bro.

Since when do you hang out
with Benji Gillespie?

Look, I can hang out with as
many other people as I want.

I don't think you
understand that.

I'm getting kind of sick of going
to your house all the time

and watching tennis.

We do other shit.

No, we don't!
You don't do anything!

I can't just always
hang around you.

I don't get why you're
being mean to me.

He doesn't want to hang out
with you any more, bro.

How hard is it to
understand that?

Just stop calling and texting
him all the time. It's weird.

Is that true?

See you around.

Yo.

Hey, man. You all right?

- Those guys fucking with you?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- You okay?
- Yeah, just leave me alone!

Hi. I'm so sorry to have
to say this to you.

It's just that I can't
seem to find your car.

What do you mean, you
can't find my car?

Well, I think we lost it.

You didn't lose your Morrissey box set.
Where's my fucking car, dude?

Did you lose it or you
taking a shit right now?

A little of both.

There's no "a little
bit" of taking a shit.

You're either shitting
your pants or you're not.

Stop crying, all right?
It's not going to solve anything.

Let's go find this shit.
All right?

Hey, look! There it is!

Oh, thank God we found it.

That's not finding it, you idiot.
Someone stole it.

Oh, poo.

Three thousand bucks.

Is that good?

No. It's not. We need 7,000 more.
And it's almost 11:00.

Hey, Noah, I have an idea.
How about you start your own signature fragrance?

That's a great idea!

I'll just alert my team of scientists,
have them invent a new perfume.

We'll start selling it and we'll have
seven grand in the next 45 minutes!

- You're such a jerk.
- God damn it, my fucking shin.

I'm just trying to help.

All I know is, is I'm going
to be a famous celebrity

who designs on the side,
and I'm going to be rich.

What the hell are
you talking about?

You do know that just
being a celebrity and

having a good time is
not a real job, right?

Yeah, it is! Being a famous celebrity
is the greatest thing in the world!

It means people
take your picture.

You get to have birthday parties at the
coolest clubs and dance on tables.

Even for a small child,
you sound like an idiot.

What are you walking away for?

What's your problem,
drama queen?

My problem is that my
best friend Clayton

doesn't want to hang
out with me any more

because he doesn't like me back,

and he'd rather hang out with an
asshole named Benji Gillespie.

That is my problem!

Okay, well...

- You'll make another friend.
- No.

No, I won't.

Well, I don't know the inner
workings of your friendship,

but if he doesn't like
you, then screw him.

All right, train's coming!

Let's go!

If you only knew
what it was like.

Hoping that you see the light.

And you always put up a fight.

I get last within your stare.

When we breathe the same air.

I see you everywhere.

Oh, if you only knew.

It's like actual China.

Excuse me.
Is this Wing's Fish Market?

You must be Noah Griffith.
Mr. Karl is expecting you.

- Wait here, all right?
- So,

did you get my money?

Garv, can I get some
chili flakes, please?

Garv, honey.

Look at me. Look at me!

Yes, I have money right here.

- Garv? Oh, boy.
- Here you go. I got it.

Not listening.
He's got the headphones on.

I got the cash right here for you.
Here you go.

So how do you guys
all know each other?

What the fuck
difference does it make?

- We got a problem.
- What's the problem?

My man! You got $3,000 here.

You are short $7,000!

Short?

Okay, I have checks.

- Are you kidding me?
- Checks, yes.

Checks! What's the matter with you?

Who the fuck is
Wendy Sapperstein?

The Sappersteins are loaded, so they're
not gonna miss the money at all.

Garv! Please, chili flakes!
You don't listen!

- So you can sign the check over to yourself.
- I'll count to three.

- One.
- Sign the checks over?

- Two.
- Yeah, sign the checks over to yourself.

Three. Good night.

- Did you hear that?
- Why'd you do that?

Drop him off at the podiatrist.

Make his mom a mix CD
with an apology letter.

I told you, dawg.
Now your foot match your asshole.

- Hey!
- Hey, Karl!

Hey, Marisa.

- Where you at?
- I'm at a party!

- A party?
- What?

I'm always down to party.

All right, text me the address.
All right, baby.

We're gonna meet you at
this party at midnight.

If you don't have
my seven grand,

Julio's gonna tickle your
girlfriend's asshole with a feather.

How'd you get that name
"The Feather" again?

Let me tell the story, man.
My joint got a little curve to it.

Sol go up in there, and it
tickles the lady's asshole.

Tickle, tickle, tickle,
tickle, tickle, tickle.

My joint goes in and comes
out at the same time,

you know what I'm saying?
Tickle, tickle.

- Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
- Yeah.

See, when I'm stoking,
I see the head,

although I'm in it, my
head is popping out.

Still, like that. Like a U-turn.

My joint make a
U-turn in that ass.

The Feather is in
effect since 1981, son.

My joint be pop-locking
in that ass.

It go in your ass and come out your ass, like that.
See what I'm saying?

Come here. Give me a hug.

- Give him a fucking hug!
- Don't be shy.

You're so shy. Come here.

Hug me tight.

It's okay.
It's our little secret.

But I want you to think
about something.

Garv was my third best
friend in the world,

and I shot him in the feet
for being a bad listener.

You're my eighth best
friend in the world,

and you stole from me.
From my home!

You're gonna meet me at
that party at midnight.

And if you don't get my seven grand,
let's just say it's gonna be bad.

Real fucking bad!

Now get out of here!

Stop staring at me with
those gorgeous eyes.

- All right, guys, let's go.
- Can we go home?

No, I have to see somebody.

I don't want to see anybody.
Let's just go home.

Believe me, Slater, I don't want
to see this person, either.

God damn it.

Hey. Beth?

Noah. What are you doing here?

I am babysitting these children.

Looks like we finally have
something in common, right?

I'm not your babysitter
any more, Noah.

Oh, you're not. That's right!
Because you fucked my dad

while he was still married to my
mom and ruined my life. I forgot!

Is he home, by the way?

Seven thousand dollars?

Yes.

There is no way in hell I'm
giving you seven grand, so...

Dad, you screwed Mom and I out
of child support and alimony.

Just do this one thing.
We'll call it even. All right?

You know, I have to say, it is
always some justification with you.

You are never gonna grow
up with that attitude.

Okay, don't do that.
Don't do that. Okay?

Don't pretend like you
care how I turn out.

Let's be very, very
straightforward with one another.

- Okay?
- Okay,

I'm in a jam. Okay?

That's why I'm here,
because I need your help.

And I'm sorry.

I just need you to be my dad for a day.
That's it.

And I'm sorry. I can't help you.

You know what, pal?
It's not my problem.

I mean, it's really
not my problem.

Okay.

Daddy? Can we look at
the telescope now?

Oh, hey, buddy.

Of course. Excuse me a second.

I want you to do me a favor.

I want you to go in the kitchen
and get a little bite to eat

for the two of us.
I'll be right in, okay?

That a boy!

There's a geomagnetic
storm tonight I forgot.

I got thrown off.

- So...
- I didn't even know.

Yeah, I have to go.

You smell like perfume.
You got a lot of perfume on you.

I know. I know I do.

Why?

Gotcha, bitch.

- Shotgun!
- All right, come on, let's go!

Let's roll. Hustle.
Rodrigo, feel free to take a piss in it.

Fancy car.

It smells like hotdogs.

Was that woman at the
door your babysitter?

She was, till I found out my
dad was tipping her extra

when he'd drive her
home at night.

Where are we going?

Just got to pick up something
from my dad's store real quick.

You're breaking in?

Not exactly.

Shouldn't you tell
him about this or something?

What's wrong?

I'm typing in the code,
and it's not working.

- You didn't do it right!
- Yes, I did.

I'm doing it right.

- Maybe your dad changed the code.
- He didn't change the code.

Okay? The code's my birthday.
It's always been my birthday.

He didn't change it.

Maybe it's someone
else's birthday.

Sorry, man.

Let me guess what it is.

Booyah!

Can I tell you my gossip now?

Oh, shit, yeah. Blithe.

Not now. I think we should go, okay?
Let's go. We gotta go.

I saw my daddy kissing
his assistant, Debra.

That's why he always stays
late at the hospital,

'cause he spends all
night kissing Debra.

My mom knows.

She pretends like she doesn't
know, but she knows.

That's not gossip, Blithe.

You know that, right?

Well...

Sometimes people do messed-up
stuff to each other, okay?

Why?

One time I was walking down the street,
I punched my best friend Darius

in the nut sack for no reason.
Just both fists.

- Just double-punched him.
- Why would you do that?

I don't know.

You're an idiot.

That's probably true.
I am an idiot.

And so is your dad.

Come on.

Hey.

Where's Rodrigo?

He's in the bathroom.

Oh, no.

No, tell me...
Tell me you didn't.

Oh, shit!

- Why the hell did you do that, Rodrigo?
- Seriously, dude!

You said you didn't have
any more cherry bombs!

How many more do you have?

You can't just go around blowing
up bathrooms! It's not cool!

Why can't you be more like
your brother and sister?

They're at least half crazy.
You're full-on nuts!

They are not my brother and sister!
They are nothing to me!

They are not my family!

She does nothing all day but paint her face
like a puta. She is a puta!

And this one is
sick in the head!

He goes to the head
doctor four times a week!

- Hey! Stop acting crazy, okay?
- He is the crazy one.

He has this medicine! He loco!
He muy loco.

- Hey, relax!
- Shut up!

You shut up with your stupid fanny pack!
I take your fanny pack!

No! No! No, I need that!

Stop it! I need that!
My pills! No! No!

What did you do that for?

- Pull over! Pull over!
- Okay! Okay!

- Right now! Right now!
- Okay! Okay!

Slater! Where are you going?

What the fuck is
your problem, man?

Slater.

You're not going to
find it, all right?

- I need those pills, okay? I need them.
- No, you don't.

Yes, I do, okay?
I have serious issues.

You don't have serious issues.

Yes, I do! Those pills are the
only thing that keep me normal,

and I need them!

I can't do this any more.

Slater, you're gay, all right?

What the fuck are
you talking about?

- Nothing. Never mind.
- Take that back!

Take it back, Noah!

You're gay. All right?

You're as queer as a football
bat, and that's fine.

And if your therapist hasn't
clued you into that by now,

then you should ask for
your money back, pal.

You ever think the
reason you're so upset

your buddy Clayton doesn't
want to hang out any more

is because you have a lot
of special feelings for him

that maybe he doesn't feel back?

It breaks your heart, man.

And that breaks my heart.

'Cause I know what
that feels like.

I feel it all the time.

I don't want to be gay!
I'm not gay!

Tough.

I don't want to be a faggot!

Hey! Do not say shit like that!
Do you understand me?

This is the worst
night of my life.

All right, high school
is going to suck.

Coming out to your parents, it's
not gonna be a picnic, either.

But trust me when I tell you

that when you get to
college, nobody will care.

And then, when you
graduate college,

you'll get an awesome job in
the entertainment industry.

You'll be super-organized and dress
really well, you'll smell good.

Smell good?
What are you talking about, Noah?

Relax. Listen to me.

My dad hates me. All right?

I got kicked out of college.

Before tonight, this
babysitting thing,

I've only ever had one job,
and I was a lifeguard.

I got fired after four days because
I kept falling asleep in the sun.

I'm a constant disappointment to my mom,
who's the only decent person in my life.

I've been arrested
numerous times.

I had a month-long, intense
addiction to Robitussin.

There's only one freak out here.

You're looking at him.

I've never had a gay thought in my
life, so what does that tell you?

That tells me you're
pretty messed up.

I have seen Devil Wears
Prada about 19 times,

but that's because
it's a good movie.

It's a good flick.

Devil Wears P. You ever seen it?
D Wears P?

I think, like, once.
I don't really remember it though.

Nothing's wrong with you.
You're normal.

Just super gay.

You're a dick.

Yes, that's true.
Enough of the pills, all right?

Okay.

You know,

deep down, I think I
always kind of knew.

But don't tell
anybody yet, okay?

I won't. I won't.

What do you think
I am, an asshole?

Yeah, sort of.

Come on, Ricky Martin,
let's get out of here.

That's an example.

Hey, Slater, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Hey! That's Mom's car!

Are you sure?

All right. Let's go! Let's go!

Rodrigo's jacket
must be in there!

This is my kind of club.

- Let's just go home.
- No.

All right? I have a half-hour
to get to this party,

pay off Karl, pick my girlfriend up
off the floor, get you kids home,

and be home in time for my mom to
tell me how awesome her night was.

I'm not gonna let some bullshit
car thief fuck this up for me.

Hey.

What's happening, my man?
How you doing, man?

You know, this ain't
no place for no kids.

These aren't kids, these
are little people.

This woman's 48 years old.

Her children have children.

- Hi. I'm a grandma.
- All right.

- What's your name, baby?
- They call me Soul, Soul Baby.

Soul Baby?
Keep it in control, baby.

- I hear you, baby.
- My name's Noah J-Bird.

Noah J-Bird.

- Oh, you like to fly.
- I fly, baby.

- Fly, fly, fly away, baby.
- In the clouds, no frowns.

All right, now, that's
what I'm talking about.

- Tears, no fears, man.
- Is that right?

Respect it, don't neglect it.

All right. That's what I'm
talking about, baby. My brother.

- Treat it, don't beat it, my man.
- All right, baby.

You're a badass motherfucker.

Hey.

God, man. What's up, white boy?

I'm here for my minivan.
What's up?

Get out of here.

What, are you stalking me now?
You're stealing my car?

I'm serious. Give me the keys.

Look, homey, we got beef.
You understand that?

Just give me the keys.

Step back, homey!
This ain't where you belong!

All right, you're going
to listen to me, okay?

You're right, I threw up in
your grandmother's ashes.

- Hell, yeah, you did.
- It was an accident.

- Fucked up.
- I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

I have been stuck babysitting
these three kids.

I was talked into buying
cocaine for my girlfriend,

who I realize is not
even my girlfriend.

She's just a girl who occasionally
lets me stick my face in her crotch

- and who's mean to me all the time.
- Okay?

And this time, making her happy
is probably gonna get me killed.

You're acting all gangster, stealing
cars, hanging out with thugs.

Well, you know what?

A few years ago we went to the
same lame-ass high school.

The point is, you and I
are two fucked-up kids

meeting on the playground.

I came here for my motherfucking
keys to my motherfucking minivan,

and that's what's up!

Is that supposed to be
a threat, little man?

I ain't giving you shit.

It's not a threat.

I'm going to put both my
hands behind my back,

and you get one punch to my
face as hard as you want.

- I can punch you in the face?
- You deserve to punch me in the face.

Go on, baby.
Punch him in the face.

My face is
ready to receive you.

- Noah, don't!
- What?

Oh!

Bitch.

- Noah!
- I fucking love you right now.

You killed my babysitter!

Noah?

That was bad.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

Oh, shit. I'm all right!

I'm okay!

I'm okay!

She won this round, right?

Oh, shit.

She punched my face, but it's cool!
It's all good.

Looks like we're even.

Guess you ain't the little pussy
you used to be, Noah?

Nope, I'm a whole
different pussy now.

All right, boy. Respect.

Unlock it. What's inside?

Oh, shit, it's a bomb.

Hell, yeah. I feel that.

Let that debris fall
across your face, girl.

Look here, little homey.

I like your style, you dig?

I appreciate that. Thank you.

You stand up for yours,
and I can respect that.

If we ever need a crazy-ass white
boy to roll with us one day

and get punched in the face by
motherfuckers, I'm-a call you.

- Know what I mean?
- Yeah, man.

Yo, listen. Listen.
Let me holler at you for a second.

I just wanna let you know,

I just want to throw a monster
shout-out back at you, my man.

Monster shout-out
back at me, right?

I don't understand what the fuck
that is, but it sound good, though.

- It's all good, baby.
- All right, brother.

Peace to you.
I fucking love you, dawg.

Noah, are you all right?

I feel so cool right now.

This place is cool.

I honestly might start DJ-ing here.
I don't know.

Okay, that's all right,

but do you really think that this is
an appropriate place to bring kids?

I don't know. Look, Rodrigo's over
there chatting up some prostitutes.

You got Slater schooling Bell
Biv DeVoe over there in pool.

And Blithe's doing the Riverdance
over in the bowling alley.

Honestly, this is the first time I've
seen them having any kind of fun,

so what the hell?

You know what that is?

What is that?

Just me being cool.
Playing it cool.

No big deal.

You're crazy.

You're crazy slash beautiful.
Whatever.

So, did you drive here?

No, I took a cab.

Maybe you should
take my dad's car,

because I can't drive
both of them anyways.

Are you serious?

Yeah, it'd actually
really help me out.

Okay. How are you gonna find me?

Do you have a phone?

Okay. See you.

- Yeah.
- Just kidding.

Here, this is my phone number,
and then you can call me.

Okay.

I'll call you.

Hey.

Why did you say something to me when
you saw me earlier? I feel like

you kind of ignored
me all freshman year.

I don't know. I thought you
were really funny and smart

and seemed really sweet.

I guess I was kind of nervous
to talk to you back then.

You were nervous to talk to me?

Yeah.

My phone's ringing.

Shit, it's my girlfriend.
I'm sorry. I have to take this.

- Girlfriend.
- Yeah.

Hello?

All right. See you later.

Call me about the car.

- Yeah.
- Noah.

Listen to me.
You need to leave that party right now.

Noah, this party is breathtaking,
so I'm not gonna leave it.

Breathtaking?
Marisa, listen to me.

You need to listen to me.
You have been jerking me around all night.

And you wanna know what?
It's disrespectful and it's lame.

Just, if Karl and Julio show
up, stay away from them.

They're dangerous.

They're not dangerous.
You're being an idiot.

I'm very close.
I'm coming for you, Marisa, okay?

Oka y.

Oh, shit.

I can't decide if
this is funny or not.

It's not funny at all.

How you doing tonight, my man?

Do you have any idea
why I stopped you?

- No.
- You ran a red light

and you're not wearing
your seat belt.

All right, why don't you
step out of the car, pal?

Do me a favor.
Put your hands on the trunk.

Easy, cowboy.

What's this?

- It's a luchador action figure.
- Luchadors, I love these guys.

Look at this.

Frank, what's in there?

What's this, my man?

You got a little party
in your pocket?

It's not mine, I swear to God.
I'm just holding it for my girlfriend.

- I'm just holding it for her.
- You're going out with a cokehead?

Bag of fucking actual
diamonds here.

Oh. Okay. Jacob the Jeweler.
You're tits in a ditch, my man.

- Tits in a ditch.
- Is that good?

Sometimes it's good.
Sometimes it's real bad.

What is that? Oh, no shit!

- Is that you?
- That's the fucking bathroom guy!

- Mr. Toilet Explosion?
- That's not me.

I've never actually been the guy on duty
to catch the fucking guy in the sketch.

What are they doing to him?

- Do me a favor. You got this?
- Yeah.

- You got it?
- Yeah. I like that.

- That's one for your wallet.
- Check it out! Check it out!

- It's great.
- All right, sir, do me a favor,

go stand by your vehicle.

We're going to run your profile.
All right?

This is mine.
I'm gonna take responsibility...

Sir! Go stand by your vehicle.
Please.

Hey, so here's the deal.

I think I'm about
to get arrested.

I messed up and I put
your lives in danger.

You's got the diamonds?

Things just got out
of hand so quickly...

- Let's party!
- ...and I'm really, really sorry.

Are they leaving?

Hey! What are you doing? Stop!

Please! I need those diamonds!
Come back!

Damn it!

All right, I'm going to
go find my girlfriend.

Marisa!

Marisa!

Stephanie, have you seen Marisa?

I don't know, it's my birthday!

Why are you upside down?

- Why aren't you upside down?
- Okay.

Take care of yourself.

You're not invited any more.

G-Bert, sorry to interrupt, man.

What's up, Noah?

Have you seen Marisa?

- Who's Marisa?
- She's my girlfriend.

She's like my height,
blonde hair.

- No, sorry.
- No.

If I find her, we should all
hang out next week or something.

Totally, yeah.

Yeah, great.
You have great breasts. Thanks.

- Thank you.
- Later, Noah.

- What are you doing?
- Fuck you.

Why are you such an
asshole, Rodrigo?

Ever since you moved in with us,
you've been so mean to everybody!

- What's wrong with you?
- You want to know what's wrong with me?

This is my third
family in three years.

When your papas get tired with me,
they give me to another families.

That happens every time.

Well, maybe if you didn't
do such messed-up stuff

then they would actually feel
like you wanted to be here.

You don't know me. You look at me
like a crazy that live in your house.

That's not true.
You never talk to us.

Honestly, you're
pretty scary, man.

I no scary.
I just like having fun.

Boom, boom, boom. Kaboom.

Hey, guys, I can't find Marisa anywhere.
Let's go.

Come on. Where's Blithe?

Blithe, get down from there.
We have to go.

These are my friends!
Come on, we're having fun.

No. They're not your friends.

They're drunk and they're
making fun of you, okay?

- You need to get down here right now.
- What are you doing?

- Listen, they're drunk. Let's go.
- Come up here!

- They just want to dance with me!
- They don't want to dance...

Oh! You're here!

Where have you been?
This has been the best night ever.

- Are those kids?
- Yeah. They're with me.

I'll explain.
We need to get out of here right now.

Did you get the party favors?

I had them and now I don't. I'll explain.
We need to get out of here right now.

I'm serious. It's Ricky.

We don't have time for this.

That is Ricky Fontaine.
He is my ex-boyfriend.

I obviously have to go say hi.

- Ricky!
- You're drunk, Marisa.

- Hey.
- Marisa.

What's up? How are you?

You haven't responded to any of my
texts in, like, a really long time.

Yeah. There's a reason for that.

Marisa, I'm sorry.
I don't know how else I can say it.

We had a great run,
but it's over now,

and I wish you the best
and I pray for you, I do.

Is everything okay?

Actually, no.
Ricky's being kind of a dick.

- Why don't you defend me, Noah?
- What?

Yeah. You're being a real dick!

Defend me! You're being mean!

What are you talking about?
I've been nothing but cool to you, man.

Okay. She's drunk.

There's a misunderstanding happening.
Why don't we all just relax?

No offense, bro,
but who are you?

- I'm Noah. We're dating.
- He's my friend.

We're in a relationship, okay?

Friendship relationship.

Well, good luck with that, bro,

'cause dealing with her is
a pretty big nightmare.

I don't envy you.

That is a terrible thing
to say to somebody!

What?

Look, you hurt her feelings.
Okay? Just be nice.

What are you going
to do about it, bro?

What?

What the hell was that?

A throat jab? I don't know.
I don't street-fight very often.

Shit!

I broke my ass!

You just got Fontained!

Are you okay, Noah?

Yeah.

Get out of here. I got it.
I got this guy.

Right here. Right here.

Noah!

Oh, that's bad! Oh, my back!

What do we do?

Rodrigo! Flying Burrito!

Jesus! My ear!

Did I get him good?

Get off!

Hey. Ricky!

Double punch to the nut sack!

Come on, Blithe!
We gotta get out of here!

- Ricky? Are you okay?
- Listen, we gotta go right now.

Where's the party?
I love parties.

- Oh, shit! We gotta go right now!
- Hey, what's up, party animal?

How you doing? Hey, man...

Karl!

Come on, come on.

Who wants to party?

Anybody want to party?
Let's party!

Back it up! Back it up!

What's up?

- Nobody wanna dance with me!
- Let's party!

Come on, you got it.
Let's go. You got it.

I can't believe you're
making me do this.

- Where are the kids?
- Who cares? Let's just go.

Please, I just want to go home with you.
I just want to get out of here.

What are you talking about?
They're my responsibility.

Who cares?
I just want to get out of here!

I care.

- Hi.
- What the fuck? Hey, come on.

Come here!

Go, go, go, go, go! Move!

- How'd you learn to hot-wire a car?
- I know many things.

What is with all these kids?

What is that?

It's Karl's gang.

Go! They gonna kill us!

Oh, my God!

Oh. My God!

Get off the car!

Oh, my God!
Is that a man or a woman?

- Go, Noah!
- Fucking drive, Noah!

Push the gas!

What the hell is going on?

Next time, you use a bazooka
instead of a sledgehammer.

What are you, El DeBarge?

Let's go, come on, Jeremy!

- What the hell is this?
- Get out of the way!

Is there anyone in this car who can
tell me what the hell is going on here?

Noah, they're coming!

Gonna kill yo
ass, Noah Griffith!

- Coming to get you! Catch up!
- Fucking die! You die!

All right, kids, fasten
your seat belts!

They're going to kill us!

Watch this. Watch this.

Ls everyone okay?

I'm scared, Noah!

Noah, stall them!
I have an idea!

Roll down the window!

I have your money!
I just want to be your friend!

Are you serious? You've been really
wishy-washy about the whole thing.

No, I know! I've been going through
my own personal situation!

It's really scary entering
into a new friendship!

I just don't want to deal
with a broken heart.

Maybe I don't want to befriends!
How's that?

He really wants to be
your friend, Karl!

It's just I've been
burned in the past, bud!

Seriously? Kaboom!

Oh, shit!

Shit! Hold the wheel straight!

Wait, wait!

Oh, shit!

Yes! Nice!

Shit!

Are you guys okay?

No. I'm not okay.
We just crashed the car.

What just happened?

Wait, so did you get the coke?

Kids, kids, kids. I love kids.

How you doing, Noah Griffith?

Hey, Karl, why you got
to be so crazy, man?

Hey, man, I'm crazy.

That's a gun.

Marisa, why don't you do me a favor?
Take these kids and go home.

I'm going to have an adult
conversation with the babysitter.

Look, I know you guys want to
stay with me, it's your instinct,

but you have to
fend for yourself.

Oh, you're all alone now?

Hurts, don't it?

Yeah.
I got a little boo-boo myself.

- You're mean!
- Noah Griffith!

You got mud in my
gun, Noah Griffith!

My 11th best friend
gave me this gun!

Marisa, wait! Did you hear that?

No, I didn't hear anything.

It's your very childlike
and vivid imagination.

- Noah might be hurt!
- That's a pistols.

What if he needs us?

He's not in trouble.
He's hugging it out with Karl in the minivan.

I just need to get out of here.
Thanks to you guys, my night is ruined!

I was having a really fun night
before you showed up! Taxi!

We were supposed to
have a fun night, too!

You are the reason that we
are even in this situation!

Okay, fine!
I'm a terrible person.

Okay? I admit it, I could be a
lot better in this situation,

but I'm just feeling really overwhelmed.
I don't know what's going on.

I'm stuck with these three
kids and I hate kids,

and I just don't
know what to do!

Marisa? Stop being such a spaz.

Give me your phone.
I've got an idea.

Noah Griffith!

Yes! Where you at, babycakes?

Where you at?

I see you, Noah Griffith.

Yes!

Noah Griffith?

Good game!

You passed the test!
Passed the prank! Passed the car chase.

You're in the club, player!

Surprise!

- Stay back! Back up!
- Okay. Chill out.

Listen to me.
I don't have your money.

And I'm going to stop risking
my life to get it for you.

Rodrigo took an egg from your house.
It exploded, it's gone, I'm sorry.

What do you think
this is, a game?

You don't fuck with a drug dealer.
Are you out of your mind?

You owe me money!

I got a call from a little lady

said there was some trouble
brewing in the park tonight.

Lookit here.

Oh, shit.

What's going down on the playground?
What up, Noah?

What are you guys doing here?

Told you, we'd be around.
What y'all up to?

This guy, he's crazy.
He's trying to kill me!

He's trying to kill the
kids I'm babysitting.

He's nuts! He's out of his mind.

- Who? This stinky bitch?
- Yes.

Let me find out you out here
trying to punk on our boy Noah?

Fuck is wrong with you?
You don't know who you're messing with.

- He's one misunderstood motherfucker.
- Sure you right.

But I got your back now, Noah.

'Cause I found out you got
some big-ass balls, man.

Can't buy underwear.
Balls don't fit.

You done messed with
the wrong babysitter.

You so sexy when
you talk gangsta.

Look here, Noah.

Why don't you take
them little kids home?

We gonna handle this
situation here.

Thank you, guys, so much.
Soul Baby, text you.

Make love to the
night, motherfucker.

Noah Griffith! Where are you going?
I'm not done with you!

You think your friends are
gonna bail you out of this?

Listen, I'm in a real bad mood.
I don't want to hurt you motherfuckers.

What's up, candy man?

We're gonna get up in it, boy.

Put a quarter in my butt.
Let's get this fight farted. Let's go.

Motherfuckers!

My nuts!

Taxi!

I need a cab, man!

- Hey, man, your nuts are on fire!
- I know my nuts are on fire!

That's how your mama like it!

- Noah!
- Are you okay?

Yeah, it's too crazy to explain.
We gotta go!

- What happened?
- Was that a real gun?

Let me tell you about my day.

It's such a very long day.

It started around 7:00.

And I can hear her pray.

As I walk through the yard.

I could feel your presence.

Giving me the time of my life.

And showering me
with life lessons.

Now {know what they mean.

When they said keep
your head to the sky.

Don't be too quick to fit in.

And don't feel you have to try.

This road is strange,
so strange it is.

You know it really hurts inside.

Yeah, sometimes.

We're here.

We're here.

You must think I'm such a bitch.

You shouldn't waste your feelings
on people who don't value them.

You're right.

- I haven't been cool to you.
- I know.

You haven't.
And I'm over it, too.

Take care of yourself, Marisa.
All right?

Your girlfriend sucks.

Yes, she does.

Indeed she does.

Blithe, I want to
show you something.

Just because you try and
look more grown up,

or try and act like a celebrity,
or a famous person or whatever,

it's not gonna get
you more friends.

You're a kid.

And a pretty great one.

Wipe that shit off your face.
You look insane, okay?

Okay.

You know what "blithe" means?

What?

It means "joyous."

You know what "late" means?

- What?
- "Late,"

as in fucked, as in we were all
supposed to be in bed by 1:00

and it's already 10 after.

Son of a bitch!

All right, looks like we beat them home.
Let's go inside. Hustle.

Rodrigo!

Rodrigo!

HEY! YOU guys see Rodrigo?

Hula, Rodrigo!

Rodrigo! Rodrigo!

Weird.

That's the most messed up
thing we've seen all night.

Noah, they're here!

Okay! Everyone on the couch!
Let's go.

Let's go! Get on the couch.
Come on!

The MMA world is abuzz tonight

with the news of a brutal
out-of-the-ring assault

an local hero and pro kickboxing
legend Ricky Fantaine.

Witnesses at the Brooklyn house
party where the assault took place

described his attacker as a young man,
accompanied by three small children.

- Oh, my God.
- In another story,

two small New York businesses experienced
bizarre bathroom explosions.

- Hello.
- Hey, guys!

Hi. What?

Hey! Welcome back!

What's going on?
It's after 1:00 in the morning.

These kids should be
in bed already, Noah.

- Mom, it's not his fault.
- Yeah. We told him our bedtime was 1:30.

I turned the clock back. So sorry.
My deepest apologies.

You darn kids!

Played a trick on me,
these little rascals.

I'm not buying it.

Everybody, upstairs. Bed! Now.

- Go brush your teeth.
- Sorry, Mom.

And say good night to Noah.

Maybe he'll be nice enough to
come back and babysit again.

Night, Noah.

Night, guys.

And Peter has your money, okay?

Cool, thanks.

Oh, Noah!

Your mom told me to tell you
not to wait up for her.

She and that guy that I set her up with,
Dr. Stevens, went out to have a nightcap.

Let me tell you, I think she
was having a really good time.

Thanks for hooking that up.

- Thanks for babysitting.
- See you next time.

I trust the kids weren't
too much trouble.

You got three great ones.

Hey...

You want a recommendation?

Here's my advice.

Get your shit together.

You're right.

Maybe I do have some
stuff I need to work on.

But the last person on Earth I need
to take advice from is you, sir.

Excuse me?

You're banging your assistant,
Debra, and you're going to stop.

Do you understand me?

I would be very careful
how you talk to me.

You'd better be very careful
how you talk to me.

Because I'm going to be at
home with nothing going on.

And I'm going to have one eye
on my three friends up there

and the other eye right on you.

I just want you to get
your act together, Doc.

Fucking...

One more thing.
Your wife's smoking hot.

You need to get rid of Debra
and focus on tapping that ass.

And there may be a scratch
or two on your minivan!

Hey, stranger!

Need a ride?

- Hey, Roxanne. What's up?
- Hey.

How'd you find me?

Oh, this little gizmo kept beeping,
so I followed it to find you.

Which is a little creepy
now that I think about it.

That's okay.
Thank you for stalking me.

Shit.

Oh. Let me guess.
Your girlfriend again?

No.

We broke up.

Oh. And you're just fine?
You seem fine.

Yeah, no, I'm great.

She's in hysterics, but she'll be
cool, eventually. She'll move on.

- Listen, I'm a free bird.
- I got to fly.

Right.

I don't know why I said that.

- Do you need to get that?
- It's my dad, actually.

I think I'm gonna let this
one go to voice mail.

Great.

I have an idea.
Why don't we ditch the car?

It's a nice night for a walk.

Okay. Sure.

Cool.

- Looks like you had a rough night.
- Yeah.

But like a wise man once told me, "Make
love to the night, motherfucker."

"Make love to the night."

Have you ever met a girl
that you tried to date.

But a year, to make lave
She wanted you to wait.

Let me tell ya a story
of my situation.

I was talkin' to this girl
from the U.S. nation.

The way that I met her was
on tour at a concert.

She had really long hair
and a short miniskirt.

I just got onstage drippin',
pourin' with sweat.

I was walkin' through the
crowd and guess who I met.

I whispered in her ear Come
to the picture booth.

So I can ask you some questions to
see if you are a hundred proof.

I asked her her name She
said blah-blah-blah.

She had 9/10 pants
and a very big bra.

I took a couple of flicks
and she was enthused.

I said, how do you
like the show?

She said, I was very amused.

I started throwin' bass She
started throwin' back mid-range.

But when I sprung the question
She acted kind of strange

'Cause when I asked, Do you have a man?
She tried to pretend.

She said, no, I don't I
only have a friend.

You must be buggin'.

This is what I'm gonna sing.

You, you got what I need.

But you say he's just a friend.

And you say he's just
a friend Oh, baby.

You got what I need.

But you say he's just a friend.

But you say he's just
a friend Oh, baby.

You got what I need.

But you say he's just a friend.

But you say he's just a friend.

So please listen to the
message that I say.

Don't ever talk to a girl who
says she just has a friend.

Has a friend.

Yeah.

Premier and Slick Hick, kid.

Jonah Hill.

Yeah, kid, check it out.

Good gosh The world's so bad.

It's trying to drive
me, a sane man, mad.

Great gosh I need some bad

'Bout to drive me,
a sane man, mad.

Are you peeping this floozy
Or queens, excuse me.

Can't believe haw many times I
had to eat the chick's sushi.

Who she?

Look at haw a brother
gotta roll.

All cold, kid Anyway
truth being told.

Fit boy too big Which
one you pick.

Rico suave or chick
one, two kid.

Once I was born in this thick.

Why I gotta deal with
this horniness tip.

This, not enough flair
This, lack a lot wares.

Got her holding my tears
Trying to act like who cares.

Reaching, if I say I
see kids in the mix.

Wanna cuddle Go out something,
trick with the chick.

You know what I'm saying, kid

'Cause it's so bad Trying to
drive me, a sane man, mad.

I need some bad 'Bout to
drive me, a sane man, mad.

Good gosh the world's so bad.

It's trying to drive
me, a sane man, mad.

Great gosh I need some bad

'Bout to drive me,
a sane man, mad.

I want you, munch too Comes
to hun, how long do.

Ma duke caught the kid
masturbating once too.

Passed, looked stunned,
kept an like.

Don't you have a steady
piece to smash yet, son?

What to do, Mom None
touching dude's joint.

Like to see me out here buying
some prostitute's bum?

No?

Picking up scroin, cop pursuing.

From the stripper
club hair doing.

Then laughed and none
but wise after.

Soul mate, more than
sex, a live partner.

Snatch can't get, cat frantic.

So, in the meantime stripper
club, lap dance tip.

A professional press
box arouser.

Some condoms so I don't
mess up me trousers.

Then start paying, mark swaying.

Girlfriend just sit down
and start playing.

Here's an extra, para
ding the wealth.

Don't want a real kid feel
like I'm degrading myself.

Bouncing on me funny
Bouncing with my money.

Or it's back to playing cat and
mouse games with the honey.

You know what I mean, kid.

Caught a script so bad Trying
to drive me, a sane man, mad.

Say wha t, Slick Hick.

I need some bad 'Bout to
drive me, a sane man, mad.

Good gosh the world's so bad Trying
to drive me, a sane man, mad.

Jonah Hill, kid.

Good gash, need some bad About
to drive me, a sane man...

I need some bad.

I need some bad.

I need some bad I need some bad.

I need some bad

English - US - SDH18:35,544 --> 01:18:37,797
Hey! Welcome back!

What's going on?
It's after 1:00 in the morning.

These kids should be
in bed already, Noah.

Mom, it's not his fault.

Yeah. We told him
our bedtime was 1:30.

I turned the clock back. So sorry.
My deepest apologies.

NOAH: You darn kids!

Played a trick on me,
these little rascals.

I'm not buying it.

Everybody, upstairs.
Bed! Now.

Go brush your teeth.

BLITHE: Sorry, Mom.

(SIGHS) And say
good night to Noah.

Maybe he'll be nice enough to
come back and babysit again.

KIDS: Night, Noah.

Night, guys.

And Peter has your money, okay?

Cool, thanks.

Oh, Noah!

Your mom told me to tell you
not to wait up for her.

She and that guy
that I set her up with,

Dr. Stevens, went out
to have a nightcap.

Let me tell you, I think she
was having a really good time.

Thanks for hooking that up.

Thanks for babysitting.

See you next time.

I trust the kids
weren't too much trouble.

You got three great ones.

Hey...

(SIGHING) You want
a recommendation?

Here's my advice.

Get your shit together.

You're right.

Maybe I do have some stuff
I need to work on.

But the last person on Earth

I need to take advice
from is you, sir.

Excuse me?

You're banging your assistant,
Debra, and you're going to stop.

Do you understand me?

I would be very careful
how you talk to me.

You'd better be very careful
how you talk to me.

Because I'm going to be at
home with nothing going on.

And I'm going to have one eye
on my three friends up there

and the other eye right on you.

I just want you to get
your act together, Doc.

(SOFTLY) Fucking...

One more thing.
Your wife's smoking hot.

You need to get rid of Debra
and focus on tapping that ass.

And there may be a scratch
or two on your minivan!

(CAR HONKING)

Hey, stranger!

Need a ride?

Hey, Roxanne. What's up?
Hey.

How'd you find me?

Oh, this little gizmo kept beeping,
so I followed it to find you.

Which is a little creepy
now that I think about it.

That's okay.
Thank you for stalking me.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)
(MOBILE RINGING)

Shit.

Oh. Let me guess.
Your girlfriend again?

No.

We broke up.

Oh. And you're just fine?
You seem fine.

Yeah, no, I'm great.

She's in hysterics, but she'll be
cool, eventually. She'll move on.

Listen, I'm a free bird.
I got to fly. (CAWS)

Right.

I don't know why I said that.
(LAUGHS)

(MOBILE RINGING)

Do you need to get that?

It's my dad, actually.

I think I'm gonna let this
one go to voice mail.

Great.

I have an idea.
Why don't we ditch the car?

It's a nice night for a walk.

Okay. Sure.

Cool.

Looks like you had
a rough night.

Yeah.

But like a wise man
once told me,

"Make love to the night,
motherfucker."

"Make love to the night."

(ROXANNE LAUGHING)

Have you ever met a girl
that you tried to date

But a year, to make love,
she wanted you to wait

Let me tell ya a story
of my situation

I was talkin' to this girl
from the U. S. nation

The way that I met her
was on tour at a concert

She had really long hair
and a short miniskirt

I just got onstage
drippin', pourin' with sweat

I was walkin' through the
crowd and guess who I met

I whispered in her ear,
come to the picture booth

So I can ask you some questions to
see if you are a hundred proof

I asked her her name,
she said blah-blah-blah

She had 9/10 pants
and a very big bra

I took a couple of flicks
and she was enthused

I said,
how do you like the show?

She said, I was very amused

I started throwin' bass, she
started throwin' back mid-range

But when I sprung the question,
she acted kind of strange

'Cause when I asked, Do you have a man?
She tried to pretend

She said, no, I don't
I only have a friend

You must be buggin'

This is what I'm gonna sing

You, you got what I need

But you say he's just a friend

And you say he's just
a friend Oh, baby

You got what I need

But you say he's just a friend

But you say he's just
a friend Oh, baby

You got what I need

But you say he's just a friend

So please listen
to the message that I say

Don't ever talk to a girl who
says she just has a friend

Has a friend

Yeah

Premier and Slick Rick, kid

Jonah Hill

Yeah, kid, check it out

Good gosh The world's so bad

It's trying to drive me,
a sane man, mad

Great gosh I need some bad

'Bout to drive me,
a sane man, mad

Are you peeping this floozy
Or queens, excuse me

Can't believe how many times I
had to eat the chick's sushi

Who she?

Look at how a brother
gotta roll

All cold, kid
Anyway truth being told

Fit boy too big
Which one you pick

Rico suave
or chick one, two kid

Once I was born in this thick

Why I gotta deal
with this horniness tip

This, not enough flair
This, lack a lot wares

Got her holding my tears
Trying to act like who cares

Reaching, if I say
I see kids in the mix

Wanna cuddle Go out something,
Trick with the chick

You know what I'm saying, kid

'Cause it's so bad, trying to
drive me, a sane man, mad

I need some bad 'Bout to
drive me, a sane man, mad

Good gosh the world's so bad

It's trying to drive me,
a sane man, mad

Great gosh I need some bad

'Bout to drive me,
a sane man, mad

I want you, munch too,
comes to hun, how long do

Ma duke caught the kid
masturbating once too

Passed, looked stunned,
kept on like

Don't you have a steady
piece to smash yet, son?

What to do, Mom,
none touching dude's joint

Like to see me out here
buying some prostitute's bum?

No?

Picking up scroin, cop pursuing

From the stripper club
hair doing

Then laughed and none
but wise after

Soul mate, more than sex,
a live partner

Snatch can't get, cat frantic

So, in the meantime stripper
club, lap dance tip

A professional
press box arouser

Some condoms so I don't
mess up me trousers

Then start paying, mark swaying

Girlfriend just sit down
and start playing

Here's an extra,
parading the wealth

Don't want a real kid feel
like I'm degrading myself

Bouncing on me funny,
bouncing with my money

Or it's back to playing cat and
mouse games with the honey

You know what I mean, kid

Caught a script so bad, trying
to drive me, a sane man, mad

Say what, Slick Rick

I need some bad 'Bout to
drive me, a sane man, mad

Good gosh the world's so bad Trying
to drive me, a sane man, mad

Jonah Hill, kid

Good gosh, need some bad, About
to drive me, a sane man...

I need some bad

I need some bad

I need some bad I need some bad

I need some bad

English - US - PSDH