The Sidekick (2013) - full transcript
From director Michael J. Weithorn ("The King of Queens", A Little Help) and writer/star Rob Benedict ("Supernatural", Waiting...) comes the story of Max McCabe, career sidekick. In a world populated by fairly unremarkable superheroes and supervillains (portrayed by an ensemble of comedic actors including Ron Livingston, Lizzy Caplan, Jordan Peele, Martin Starr, Jason Ritter, Sam McMurray, Ike Barinholtz, Josh Meyers, Laura Silverman and Fred Stoller), Max McCabe (Benedict) has thrived for years as right hand man to legendary superhero Captain Wonder (Livingston) - carrying his boss's golden lasso and yelling things like, "Look out!" and "Here, catch!" But when Max, now pushing 40, begins to grow lazy and indifferent in the performing of even these minor tasks, he is unceremoniously fired and cast adrift - quickly discovering that society has little demand for an aging ex-professional buddy. Too old to compete with the up-and-comers and totally lacking any tangible "real world" skills, Max teeters on the verge of total breakdown. Ultimately though, Max will find new life through the eyes of the cute and quirky Bailey (Caplan), an elementary school teacher whose compassion helps Max discover that there is a place for him in the real world after all. THE SIDEKICK is a fresh comedic take on the superhero genre, as well as an allegory about the struggle to find your purpose in life even as you are being... repurposed.
Hold the mail!
Shit.
Stairs.
Hold the mail!
Max!
Captain wonder, watch out!
I'm sorry.
I-I got lost after the 99-cent
store.
What's up with these elevators?
They got to be more clearly
marked.
How are you over there?
Max, throw me the lasso!
Right.
Shifty crackenblau, hold the...
Shit.
Did I leave it in the car?
Well...
So long, captain blunder.
I got it. I got it!
Hurry, Max!
It's all right.
Got turned around.
Okay. I...!
It's a nail.
Max!
I'm okay. I'm okay.
All right.
Can you guys come a bit closer?
Max!
That's... it's cool.
All right.
Hold...the...mail!
No. Fuck.
I'm all right!
I'm okay.
Anybody got any ice?
A bag of frozen peas?
You want to see me, captain?
Come in, Max.
Close the door.
How's your neck?
Hard to say.
Pretty doped up.
How long you been working for
me, Max?
Oof. Like thir...
18 years.
Yeah, I was... I was gonna
say 17, so yeah.
Off by a year.
A lot's changed in that time.
It's a fast-paced world now.
Got to be sharp to stay ahead,
especially in this field.
Agreed?
How would you rate your
performance as of late, Max?
Um, I mean...
Pretty great.
Let's look at the log.
Tuesday, January 18th, you
let nightlight man get away
citing, poor visibility.
Yeah, fog rolled in that
night.
I couldn't see a thing.
Nightlight man.
Friday, the 11th of December,
failed to respond to yet another
stress call.
Yeah, no, told you,
that's verizon's issue.
I don't get any service inside
the costco.
And last night, thanks to
your hijinks, yet another
renowned criminal got away.
Captain, how was I supposed
to know shifty crackenblau was
back in town?
Because last week, I told
you, "heads up...
Shifty crackenblau is back in
town"!
Okay, yeah, no, that...
That's me.
That was on me.
Yeah!
Who else is it gonna be on, Max?
Is it gonna be on me?
Professor moncreif?
Deb in accounting?!
Mr. Tickles?!
No, I mean, yeah. Me.
Me.
Max, I think it's time.
Time, sir?
We had a good run.
But we're the captain and Max.
We're just the captain now.
You know who's to blame for
this?
The icloud.
Lightning, what does that got
to do with anything?
Sidekicks are a dying breed,
okay?
We have no relevance in this
digital age.
Everything's being loaded up on
some fucking cloud, whatever the
fuck that means.
Well, it means...
I'll tell you what it means.
Okay.
I have saved the world over
500 times.
What am I doing now, Max?
Children's parties.
Children's parties, Max.
Like I'm a fucking clown.
Just we're getting old, is
all.
No, it's different for you,
sidecar Willy.
You just ride shotgun for a
living.
That's all you do.
Yeah.
At speeds upwards of 850 miles
per hour, jerkface.
Jerkface? What?
You want to go for a ride?
Okay, you know I fractured my
pelvis over the rockies in 2007
when that jetpack failed.
You know that shit is true!
I couldn't even look at a
bicycle, let alone a fucking
jetpack, so fuck you, you
road warrior-looking ass.
Back... hey, back up off me.
Back... what are you
gonna do?
Hey. Hey.
You know what I mean?
That was too much.
Just step down. It's fine.
Fine.
Come on.
Sidecar's right.
You know, we're not kids
anymore.
That's just the way that it is.
Max, you have the best
catchphrases in all of the west.
Okay? That's fact.
That's a fact.
We're a dying breed, man.
We are a dying breed.
Are you kidding me?!
God damn it.
Every time, my cape shrinks!
Look at this shit!
You can't put that in the
tumble cycle, man.
Seriously, man, I can't hear
you, sidecar.
I can't hear it.
If we weren't off the clock, I'd
kick your ass.
Well, well, well.
What do you want, Jimmy t.?
I just came by to offer
my condolences.
Not a big deal, man.
It was mutual, actually.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
The relationship had run its
course, so...
Still, it's got to be rough
to be replaced so quickly.
What?
Whoopsie-Daisy.
Wait, what do you mean,
replaced?
Captain's already got himself
a new partner.
Fresh out of school.
Word is he's got mad skills.
Pardon me.
It's the boss man.
I got to bolt.
Hey, Max, sorry to break the
news.
But look, you had a good run.
Slater, gators.
"Slater, gators"?
That's not a catchphrase.
Douchebag.
It's the dumbest catchphrase
I ever heard, you dickhead!
What is this? 1999?
Look out!
"Closed" call.
You still got it, Max McCabe.
Yeah.
But what do I do with it?
All right.
So, extra towels are in the
closet.
Okay.
And, here's the
bathroom right there.
If it's yellow, let it mellow.
Boss likes to conserve.
Okay.
All right?
If you find yourself in
the pit of snakes for some
reason, just, no sudden
moves.
Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna
need to...
Okay, okay, okay.
It's just gonna be for a few
days.
Boss is out of town, so...
All right. Thanks, sidecar.
You know, do you know anybody
who's, like, looking for a
sidekick or...?
You'll figure it out, Max.
Yeah.
You're always good at
figuring it out.
Yeah.
I do.
All right.
All right.
I'll leave you alone.
Okay. Thanks, buddy.
You want this shut?
Yeah, you can shut it.
Give you some privacy.
Okay. Yeah.
Mars, unlike earth, may have
a solid core.
Tracking stations up...
Impressive takedown tonight,
captain wonder.
Well, really, all credit for
this one goes to kid loco here.
If he hadn't thought to build
that road block on the bridge,
we'd have lost this one.
Hey, captain, I was just
doing my duty.
Sounds like you went over and
beyond the call of duty.
This is Jackie Hernandez,
khro.
[ Electricity crackles,
[ television shuts off ]
媻 there's a hole in the
road ♪
♪ and a cone on the hole ♪
♪ there's a fact changing
hands ♪
♪ and a man with no master
plan ♪
♪ maybe there's a place where
I'm just another fool ♪
♪ maybe I'm a lot like you ♪
™ª there's a stitch in my hand ♪
♪ and it's switching the
thread ♪
♪ there's a hitch in my step ♪
♪ when the light is left on
red ♪
♪ maybe there's a place where
I'm just another fool ♪
♪ maybe I'm a lot like you ♪
♪ maybe I'm a lot like you ♪
This... this eat-a-mame
salad, that looks good.
Um, I think it's pronounced
"edamame."
Thanks for meeting with me.
I really liked what I read
about you.
Bombs and defusing them has
always been something I've been
interested in, so...
I-I've never done this
before, so I'm not quite even
sure... do I tell you about
myself, or...?
I-I have almost 20 years of
experience.
Um, I got fast hands.
Um, my use of wit is expert
without being heavy handed.
My specialty, though, is
catchphrases.
So...
I don't know if you know "hold
the mail."
That's... that's mine.
You're gonna have to speak up
a bit, son.
Did you get any of that, or
do you need me to start from the
top?
I'm sorry.
Who are you with again?
Okay, um...
Look, you defuse
bombs.
I say, "look out!
Don't touch that!"
We'd make a good team.
So...are you looking for a
sidekick?
Yeah, always looking for
sidekicks.
Yeah, no, it's just... it's just
tough to keep them alive,
though.
Except for no-hands Larry,
but...
That's no kind of life.
It hurts.
Here. I got it, stretch.
There you go.
Dear.
I did it again.
That's all right.
Sorry. I'm a klutz.
That's... thank you.
I could use someone like you.
Yeah?
What kind of crime-fighting are
you doing these days, stretch?
Um, not... not so much these
days, to be honest, 'cause these
tendons, they... they're shot to
hell from all the stretching.
Good rubdowns is what I like.
What kind of hands do you have?
Fast. Yeah. Real fast.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I like that.
I like that a lot.
So, you know, I've never done
the villain thing before.
Or villainess.
I don't know what, you
normally like to go by.
But, I mean, I could... I'll
roll with... you know, the way I
look at it, it's like psychic...
Quiet!
Sorry.
You talk too much.
I can adapt.
Can you snap man's neck to
take gold off his back?
I'm sorry, why would he have
gold on his back?
You're fired!
Was I hired?
Last one?
All you.
I insist.
Well, lucky Lance.
I have to say, this has exceeded
my expectations.
I concur.
Very good.
Well, then, you know what?
Let's give this a go.
I am ready to be your sidekick.
I'mthe sidekick.
What?
No, the... the... the website
had you listed as a hero.
Crap.
I've told them like 20 times.
They keep doing that.
I thoughtyouwere a hero.
I'm not a hero.
I'm a sidekick.
Well, we should go.
Yeah.
After you.
No, I insist.
Please, lead the way.
No, I... really.
I... please, go. I'll follow.
I'm on your cape.
Hey, listen, I'm your guy,
all right?
More wasabi!
Okay spread, you know?
Dig in.
So, you find everything okay,
Max?
Yeah, sidecar.
Great. Thanks.
Couch is comfy enough for
you?
Yeah. Surprisingly so.
Perfect.
Yeah.
And I'm gonna need you gone
tomorrow.
Say what?
Boss man's coming home early,
and, you know what he does
to house guests.
No, actually.
I don't know what evil k. Does
to house guests.
He burns them
alive.
No,
seriously, he burns them alive.
All right. I'm outie.
Open or closed?
Yeah, closed. Closed.
God.
Excuse me. Jesus.
Big guy.
Give me a heads up next time.
You have a cigarette?
Call me.
This place is going off tonight,
whoa, whoa, Max, I got a
list.
When have I ever needed to be
on a list?
Green cape, good to see you.
I'm not good to see you!
Green cape... you let green cape
in?
Guy saves one train full of
people, suddenly he's v.I.P.?
Whoo! It's crazy.
This place blows.
Let's take this party elsewhere,
come on! Who's with me?
You lost, old man?
If it isn't the new boy
wonder.
Isn't it past your bedtime?
I could eat you for lunch,
esã©.
Eat me for lunch.
Bring it, punk.
That's enough, Max.
I got this under control,
captain.
I know you do, kid.
Isn't this sweet?
Don't they make a cute couple?
Come on.
Let's give it up for the bride
and groom, ladies and gentleman.
What in god's name are you
doing, Max?
Look at you.
You're a disgrace to yourself,
and you're a disgrace to the
good name of supers.
Hey, I'm off duty,
permanently, remember?
Captain, there's a fire on
7th.
Let's ride!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Let's ride"?
What happened to "row with me"?
Loco came up with it, and
it's really taken off.
Listen, take care of yourself,
Max.
Let's ride!
I don't like it!
I'm just being honest.
Now I'm the bad guy.
Hold the mail.
Ma'am, look out!
No!
Hey, stop! Now!
No!
Hey, hey.
What?
Blood diamond?
Max McCabe?
That's crazy.
What's going on, man?
You know, working it,
working it.
Sorry about what happened.
We all heard about it, man.
I just wanted you to know,
nobody in the villain community
really feels good about the way
that all went down.
Thanks, man.
You know, it happens.
Yeah, but it shouldn't happen
to you, honestly.
Yeah.
You're one of the "good" good
guys, you know?
You're just saying that
'cause I let you go all the
time.
Absolutely. Yeah.
I thought I saw you the other
day robbing an old lady outside
of Mel's liquors.
Was that...
No.
This is my park.
Right on. Okay.
You good otherwise?
Everybody good?
You know, not easy being a
pimp.
Yeah. Yeah.
But I try.
Hope you're good, man.
All right. You, too, bro.
I can't.
It's against my code.
Hah!
Aah!
Sorry, man.
I'm on the clock, you
understand?
It's cool.
Blood diamond.
Son of a bitch.
Ma'am, you... you okay?
Does it look like I'm okay?
No.
The world is against me.
I'm not okay.
Well, it's okay.
He's... he's gone now, so...
He broke my bag.
It sucks.
Well, you... you can get
another bag like that, maybe.
I've seen those at... at target.
Um, and also, t.J.Maxx.
Why are you making fun of my
bag right now?
I'm not.
Why would you do that?
No, I'm... I'm not.
I thought those were good bag
places.
You know, it's funny, actually.
I think I know you.
You're a teacher at
dillweed elementary?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I am.
Are you a parent there?
No. No.
I just... I watched you.
I mean, I-I-I saw you... I saw
the kids through the fence, and
I saw you...
You saw the kids through the
fence?
You watched them through the...
No, no, no.
I-I... actually, ma'am, I'm a
very upstanding person.
You're in good hands with me.
What is that smell?
I barfed on my shoes.
Do you like it?
I don't think I'm appreciating
it as much as you want me to be.
Well, keep on it.
It always cheers me up.
This cheers you up?
Yeah.
Cinnamon sugar sticks cheer
you up?
Um, yes.
And p.S., it's called a churro.
A churro?
Okay.
Well, I don't think anything's
gonna work anyway.
Sorry.
It's all right.
It's not doing it for me,
either.
Okay, I have to ask you,
what's going on with the outfit,
the cape and everything?
Yeah, um, I'm a sidekick.
Like a...
What's that thing?
Is that a saxophone?
A saxophone, yeah.
Like a sideman?
Yeah, that's what... like, in
a jazz band?
No, no.
Costumes or... no?
No, not in a costume jazz
band.
No, like, I assist
superheros.
That sounds like a very
thankless job, actually.
No, it actually is pretty
awesome.
It's everything I ever wanted to
be.
That's cool.
It's just... I don't know.
It feels like there's not a ton
of, I don't know, upward
mobility in your profession.
I mean, didn't you want to be
the main guy ever, the
superhero?
I don't know.
Haven't thought about it.
Hey, you want to see something
cool?
Okay.
One time, me and the captain,
we, like, saved this greyhound
from an overturned gas rigger,
and then we, um, got ice cream
right, right there, right
across from the sears.
Okay.
And then we took the chopper
up to this Ridge right over
there, and we, we just,
like, you know, took in the
city.
We had a really good thing.
I think there are people
down there.
What?
I don't think you should
throw rocks down there.
Sorry.
Asshole!
Put this down.
You said youhada good
thing?
You're not doing it anymore?
Um, no, yeah.
No, we split up.
But, you know, it was mutual.
It was like a mutual thing.
No, it wasn't mutual.
I fucked up.
Sorry.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Maybe it's a blessing in
disguise.
How so?
Well, I think even though I
just met you...
I think that maybe you're
ready to do something new.
I'm not qualified to do
anything else.
Like, you know, I can say, "look
out!", you know, "get in!"
"Here, catch!"
You know, I'm, like, a
40-year-old ex-professional
buddy.
Who wants that guy?
Watch out!
Heads up!
Don't touch that!
Look out!
Have a ball.
All right, guys, come on.
Let's bring it in.
Someone nearly got hurt just
now.
We're gonna talk ball etiquette.
Bring it on in.
Max McCabe, you got a visitor
in the front office.
Max McCabe.
So, what brings you here?
Trouble?
No, I was just in the
neighborhood.
There was a chemical spill.
I was on the way back, and,
I heard you were working here.
Thought I'd stop by.
That's really nice of
you, captain.
Thank you.
You look healthy, Max.
You're moving with purpose, like
the old days.
Yeah, I have to say, I feel
good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know...
Nah, I just... I don't know.
What?
I was just thinking, maybe we
should team up again, Max.
Are you offering me my job
back?
Well, weare
the captain and Max.
What about kid loco?
He got a better offer.
A spot opened up with
the significant eight.
Wow.
Wait, I thought they were seven.
They're eight now.
Wow, captain, i-i...
I don't know what to say.
The lair misses you, Max.
Deb in accounting misses you.
Professor moncreif... he doesn't
miss you.
Imiss you, Max.
Hi.
Hey.
Bailey, this is
captain wonder.
Ma'am.
Wow, this is he.
Him. This is him.
I've heard a lot about you.
I'm sure you have.
What do you say, Max?
Thanks, captain, but i-i
think I'm good here.
Well, I'm sure you have good
reason.
Yeah, I think so.
Well, fair enough, Max.
Fair enough.
Let's ride!
What...
That doesn't really...
No, I got to... I got to
tweak that.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right, well, bye.
Yeah. Bye.
Bye. Nice to meet you.
Wowie.
Real-life superhero.
Yep.
He's pretty remarkable.
No, I wasn't talking about
him.
I was talking about you.
Wow.
See?
Did you think of that all by
yourself?
I did just now.
Wow.
Just came to me.
That's amazing.
Thanks.
I don't know how you do it.
I feel pretty good about it.
You should.
I feel good about it, too.
Okay, good.
Mission accomplished.
媻 with your head full of
lies ♪
♪ and your heart on ice ♪
♪ this may be your chance, so
don't think twice ♪
™ª sit your ass next to me ♪
♪ lose your mask just to see ♪
♪ what goes on under there ♪
♪ in the depths beneath your
hair ♪
♪ with your head full of lies ♪
♪ and your heart on ice ♪
♪ this may be your chance, so
don't think twice ♪
♪ when love needs a push ♪
♪ and a push comes to shove ♪
♪ this may be your chance ♪
♪ don't bust it up ♪
♪ step, take a step ♪
♪ take a leap ♪
♪ take a walk ♪
♪ walk with pride ♪
♪ take a ride ♪
♪ take a side ♪
™ª ♪
♪ with your head full of lies ♪
♪ and your heart on ice ♪
♪ this may be your chance, so
don't think twice ♪
♪ when love needs a push ♪
♪ and a push comes to shove ♪
♪ this may be your chance ♪
neither one of US is gonna...
Nope.
Go. Right.
Wouldn't know how to.
Not a leader.
No. No. Nope.
No tangible leadership
skills.
Yep.
No.
So...
How's business?
Shitty.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
Times are tough.
Yeah, it's tough.
Okay, let's cut.
Shit.
Stairs.
Hold the mail!
Max!
Captain wonder, watch out!
I'm sorry.
I-I got lost after the 99-cent
store.
What's up with these elevators?
They got to be more clearly
marked.
How are you over there?
Max, throw me the lasso!
Right.
Shifty crackenblau, hold the...
Shit.
Did I leave it in the car?
Well...
So long, captain blunder.
I got it. I got it!
Hurry, Max!
It's all right.
Got turned around.
Okay. I...!
It's a nail.
Max!
I'm okay. I'm okay.
All right.
Can you guys come a bit closer?
Max!
That's... it's cool.
All right.
Hold...the...mail!
No. Fuck.
I'm all right!
I'm okay.
Anybody got any ice?
A bag of frozen peas?
You want to see me, captain?
Come in, Max.
Close the door.
How's your neck?
Hard to say.
Pretty doped up.
How long you been working for
me, Max?
Oof. Like thir...
18 years.
Yeah, I was... I was gonna
say 17, so yeah.
Off by a year.
A lot's changed in that time.
It's a fast-paced world now.
Got to be sharp to stay ahead,
especially in this field.
Agreed?
How would you rate your
performance as of late, Max?
Um, I mean...
Pretty great.
Let's look at the log.
Tuesday, January 18th, you
let nightlight man get away
citing, poor visibility.
Yeah, fog rolled in that
night.
I couldn't see a thing.
Nightlight man.
Friday, the 11th of December,
failed to respond to yet another
stress call.
Yeah, no, told you,
that's verizon's issue.
I don't get any service inside
the costco.
And last night, thanks to
your hijinks, yet another
renowned criminal got away.
Captain, how was I supposed
to know shifty crackenblau was
back in town?
Because last week, I told
you, "heads up...
Shifty crackenblau is back in
town"!
Okay, yeah, no, that...
That's me.
That was on me.
Yeah!
Who else is it gonna be on, Max?
Is it gonna be on me?
Professor moncreif?
Deb in accounting?!
Mr. Tickles?!
No, I mean, yeah. Me.
Me.
Max, I think it's time.
Time, sir?
We had a good run.
But we're the captain and Max.
We're just the captain now.
You know who's to blame for
this?
The icloud.
Lightning, what does that got
to do with anything?
Sidekicks are a dying breed,
okay?
We have no relevance in this
digital age.
Everything's being loaded up on
some fucking cloud, whatever the
fuck that means.
Well, it means...
I'll tell you what it means.
Okay.
I have saved the world over
500 times.
What am I doing now, Max?
Children's parties.
Children's parties, Max.
Like I'm a fucking clown.
Just we're getting old, is
all.
No, it's different for you,
sidecar Willy.
You just ride shotgun for a
living.
That's all you do.
Yeah.
At speeds upwards of 850 miles
per hour, jerkface.
Jerkface? What?
You want to go for a ride?
Okay, you know I fractured my
pelvis over the rockies in 2007
when that jetpack failed.
You know that shit is true!
I couldn't even look at a
bicycle, let alone a fucking
jetpack, so fuck you, you
road warrior-looking ass.
Back... hey, back up off me.
Back... what are you
gonna do?
Hey. Hey.
You know what I mean?
That was too much.
Just step down. It's fine.
Fine.
Come on.
Sidecar's right.
You know, we're not kids
anymore.
That's just the way that it is.
Max, you have the best
catchphrases in all of the west.
Okay? That's fact.
That's a fact.
We're a dying breed, man.
We are a dying breed.
Are you kidding me?!
God damn it.
Every time, my cape shrinks!
Look at this shit!
You can't put that in the
tumble cycle, man.
Seriously, man, I can't hear
you, sidecar.
I can't hear it.
If we weren't off the clock, I'd
kick your ass.
Well, well, well.
What do you want, Jimmy t.?
I just came by to offer
my condolences.
Not a big deal, man.
It was mutual, actually.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
The relationship had run its
course, so...
Still, it's got to be rough
to be replaced so quickly.
What?
Whoopsie-Daisy.
Wait, what do you mean,
replaced?
Captain's already got himself
a new partner.
Fresh out of school.
Word is he's got mad skills.
Pardon me.
It's the boss man.
I got to bolt.
Hey, Max, sorry to break the
news.
But look, you had a good run.
Slater, gators.
"Slater, gators"?
That's not a catchphrase.
Douchebag.
It's the dumbest catchphrase
I ever heard, you dickhead!
What is this? 1999?
Look out!
"Closed" call.
You still got it, Max McCabe.
Yeah.
But what do I do with it?
All right.
So, extra towels are in the
closet.
Okay.
And, here's the
bathroom right there.
If it's yellow, let it mellow.
Boss likes to conserve.
Okay.
All right?
If you find yourself in
the pit of snakes for some
reason, just, no sudden
moves.
Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna
need to...
Okay, okay, okay.
It's just gonna be for a few
days.
Boss is out of town, so...
All right. Thanks, sidecar.
You know, do you know anybody
who's, like, looking for a
sidekick or...?
You'll figure it out, Max.
Yeah.
You're always good at
figuring it out.
Yeah.
I do.
All right.
All right.
I'll leave you alone.
Okay. Thanks, buddy.
You want this shut?
Yeah, you can shut it.
Give you some privacy.
Okay. Yeah.
Mars, unlike earth, may have
a solid core.
Tracking stations up...
Impressive takedown tonight,
captain wonder.
Well, really, all credit for
this one goes to kid loco here.
If he hadn't thought to build
that road block on the bridge,
we'd have lost this one.
Hey, captain, I was just
doing my duty.
Sounds like you went over and
beyond the call of duty.
This is Jackie Hernandez,
khro.
[ Electricity crackles,
[ television shuts off ]
媻 there's a hole in the
road ♪
♪ and a cone on the hole ♪
♪ there's a fact changing
hands ♪
♪ and a man with no master
plan ♪
♪ maybe there's a place where
I'm just another fool ♪
♪ maybe I'm a lot like you ♪
™ª there's a stitch in my hand ♪
♪ and it's switching the
thread ♪
♪ there's a hitch in my step ♪
♪ when the light is left on
red ♪
♪ maybe there's a place where
I'm just another fool ♪
♪ maybe I'm a lot like you ♪
♪ maybe I'm a lot like you ♪
This... this eat-a-mame
salad, that looks good.
Um, I think it's pronounced
"edamame."
Thanks for meeting with me.
I really liked what I read
about you.
Bombs and defusing them has
always been something I've been
interested in, so...
I-I've never done this
before, so I'm not quite even
sure... do I tell you about
myself, or...?
I-I have almost 20 years of
experience.
Um, I got fast hands.
Um, my use of wit is expert
without being heavy handed.
My specialty, though, is
catchphrases.
So...
I don't know if you know "hold
the mail."
That's... that's mine.
You're gonna have to speak up
a bit, son.
Did you get any of that, or
do you need me to start from the
top?
I'm sorry.
Who are you with again?
Okay, um...
Look, you defuse
bombs.
I say, "look out!
Don't touch that!"
We'd make a good team.
So...are you looking for a
sidekick?
Yeah, always looking for
sidekicks.
Yeah, no, it's just... it's just
tough to keep them alive,
though.
Except for no-hands Larry,
but...
That's no kind of life.
It hurts.
Here. I got it, stretch.
There you go.
Dear.
I did it again.
That's all right.
Sorry. I'm a klutz.
That's... thank you.
I could use someone like you.
Yeah?
What kind of crime-fighting are
you doing these days, stretch?
Um, not... not so much these
days, to be honest, 'cause these
tendons, they... they're shot to
hell from all the stretching.
Good rubdowns is what I like.
What kind of hands do you have?
Fast. Yeah. Real fast.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I like that.
I like that a lot.
So, you know, I've never done
the villain thing before.
Or villainess.
I don't know what, you
normally like to go by.
But, I mean, I could... I'll
roll with... you know, the way I
look at it, it's like psychic...
Quiet!
Sorry.
You talk too much.
I can adapt.
Can you snap man's neck to
take gold off his back?
I'm sorry, why would he have
gold on his back?
You're fired!
Was I hired?
Last one?
All you.
I insist.
Well, lucky Lance.
I have to say, this has exceeded
my expectations.
I concur.
Very good.
Well, then, you know what?
Let's give this a go.
I am ready to be your sidekick.
I'mthe sidekick.
What?
No, the... the... the website
had you listed as a hero.
Crap.
I've told them like 20 times.
They keep doing that.
I thoughtyouwere a hero.
I'm not a hero.
I'm a sidekick.
Well, we should go.
Yeah.
After you.
No, I insist.
Please, lead the way.
No, I... really.
I... please, go. I'll follow.
I'm on your cape.
Hey, listen, I'm your guy,
all right?
More wasabi!
Okay spread, you know?
Dig in.
So, you find everything okay,
Max?
Yeah, sidecar.
Great. Thanks.
Couch is comfy enough for
you?
Yeah. Surprisingly so.
Perfect.
Yeah.
And I'm gonna need you gone
tomorrow.
Say what?
Boss man's coming home early,
and, you know what he does
to house guests.
No, actually.
I don't know what evil k. Does
to house guests.
He burns them
alive.
No,
seriously, he burns them alive.
All right. I'm outie.
Open or closed?
Yeah, closed. Closed.
God.
Excuse me. Jesus.
Big guy.
Give me a heads up next time.
You have a cigarette?
Call me.
This place is going off tonight,
whoa, whoa, Max, I got a
list.
When have I ever needed to be
on a list?
Green cape, good to see you.
I'm not good to see you!
Green cape... you let green cape
in?
Guy saves one train full of
people, suddenly he's v.I.P.?
Whoo! It's crazy.
This place blows.
Let's take this party elsewhere,
come on! Who's with me?
You lost, old man?
If it isn't the new boy
wonder.
Isn't it past your bedtime?
I could eat you for lunch,
esã©.
Eat me for lunch.
Bring it, punk.
That's enough, Max.
I got this under control,
captain.
I know you do, kid.
Isn't this sweet?
Don't they make a cute couple?
Come on.
Let's give it up for the bride
and groom, ladies and gentleman.
What in god's name are you
doing, Max?
Look at you.
You're a disgrace to yourself,
and you're a disgrace to the
good name of supers.
Hey, I'm off duty,
permanently, remember?
Captain, there's a fire on
7th.
Let's ride!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Let's ride"?
What happened to "row with me"?
Loco came up with it, and
it's really taken off.
Listen, take care of yourself,
Max.
Let's ride!
I don't like it!
I'm just being honest.
Now I'm the bad guy.
Hold the mail.
Ma'am, look out!
No!
Hey, stop! Now!
No!
Hey, hey.
What?
Blood diamond?
Max McCabe?
That's crazy.
What's going on, man?
You know, working it,
working it.
Sorry about what happened.
We all heard about it, man.
I just wanted you to know,
nobody in the villain community
really feels good about the way
that all went down.
Thanks, man.
You know, it happens.
Yeah, but it shouldn't happen
to you, honestly.
Yeah.
You're one of the "good" good
guys, you know?
You're just saying that
'cause I let you go all the
time.
Absolutely. Yeah.
I thought I saw you the other
day robbing an old lady outside
of Mel's liquors.
Was that...
No.
This is my park.
Right on. Okay.
You good otherwise?
Everybody good?
You know, not easy being a
pimp.
Yeah. Yeah.
But I try.
Hope you're good, man.
All right. You, too, bro.
I can't.
It's against my code.
Hah!
Aah!
Sorry, man.
I'm on the clock, you
understand?
It's cool.
Blood diamond.
Son of a bitch.
Ma'am, you... you okay?
Does it look like I'm okay?
No.
The world is against me.
I'm not okay.
Well, it's okay.
He's... he's gone now, so...
He broke my bag.
It sucks.
Well, you... you can get
another bag like that, maybe.
I've seen those at... at target.
Um, and also, t.J.Maxx.
Why are you making fun of my
bag right now?
I'm not.
Why would you do that?
No, I'm... I'm not.
I thought those were good bag
places.
You know, it's funny, actually.
I think I know you.
You're a teacher at
dillweed elementary?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I am.
Are you a parent there?
No. No.
I just... I watched you.
I mean, I-I-I saw you... I saw
the kids through the fence, and
I saw you...
You saw the kids through the
fence?
You watched them through the...
No, no, no.
I-I... actually, ma'am, I'm a
very upstanding person.
You're in good hands with me.
What is that smell?
I barfed on my shoes.
Do you like it?
I don't think I'm appreciating
it as much as you want me to be.
Well, keep on it.
It always cheers me up.
This cheers you up?
Yeah.
Cinnamon sugar sticks cheer
you up?
Um, yes.
And p.S., it's called a churro.
A churro?
Okay.
Well, I don't think anything's
gonna work anyway.
Sorry.
It's all right.
It's not doing it for me,
either.
Okay, I have to ask you,
what's going on with the outfit,
the cape and everything?
Yeah, um, I'm a sidekick.
Like a...
What's that thing?
Is that a saxophone?
A saxophone, yeah.
Like a sideman?
Yeah, that's what... like, in
a jazz band?
No, no.
Costumes or... no?
No, not in a costume jazz
band.
No, like, I assist
superheros.
That sounds like a very
thankless job, actually.
No, it actually is pretty
awesome.
It's everything I ever wanted to
be.
That's cool.
It's just... I don't know.
It feels like there's not a ton
of, I don't know, upward
mobility in your profession.
I mean, didn't you want to be
the main guy ever, the
superhero?
I don't know.
Haven't thought about it.
Hey, you want to see something
cool?
Okay.
One time, me and the captain,
we, like, saved this greyhound
from an overturned gas rigger,
and then we, um, got ice cream
right, right there, right
across from the sears.
Okay.
And then we took the chopper
up to this Ridge right over
there, and we, we just,
like, you know, took in the
city.
We had a really good thing.
I think there are people
down there.
What?
I don't think you should
throw rocks down there.
Sorry.
Asshole!
Put this down.
You said youhada good
thing?
You're not doing it anymore?
Um, no, yeah.
No, we split up.
But, you know, it was mutual.
It was like a mutual thing.
No, it wasn't mutual.
I fucked up.
Sorry.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Maybe it's a blessing in
disguise.
How so?
Well, I think even though I
just met you...
I think that maybe you're
ready to do something new.
I'm not qualified to do
anything else.
Like, you know, I can say, "look
out!", you know, "get in!"
"Here, catch!"
You know, I'm, like, a
40-year-old ex-professional
buddy.
Who wants that guy?
Watch out!
Heads up!
Don't touch that!
Look out!
Have a ball.
All right, guys, come on.
Let's bring it in.
Someone nearly got hurt just
now.
We're gonna talk ball etiquette.
Bring it on in.
Max McCabe, you got a visitor
in the front office.
Max McCabe.
So, what brings you here?
Trouble?
No, I was just in the
neighborhood.
There was a chemical spill.
I was on the way back, and,
I heard you were working here.
Thought I'd stop by.
That's really nice of
you, captain.
Thank you.
You look healthy, Max.
You're moving with purpose, like
the old days.
Yeah, I have to say, I feel
good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know...
Nah, I just... I don't know.
What?
I was just thinking, maybe we
should team up again, Max.
Are you offering me my job
back?
Well, weare
the captain and Max.
What about kid loco?
He got a better offer.
A spot opened up with
the significant eight.
Wow.
Wait, I thought they were seven.
They're eight now.
Wow, captain, i-i...
I don't know what to say.
The lair misses you, Max.
Deb in accounting misses you.
Professor moncreif... he doesn't
miss you.
Imiss you, Max.
Hi.
Hey.
Bailey, this is
captain wonder.
Ma'am.
Wow, this is he.
Him. This is him.
I've heard a lot about you.
I'm sure you have.
What do you say, Max?
Thanks, captain, but i-i
think I'm good here.
Well, I'm sure you have good
reason.
Yeah, I think so.
Well, fair enough, Max.
Fair enough.
Let's ride!
What...
That doesn't really...
No, I got to... I got to
tweak that.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right, well, bye.
Yeah. Bye.
Bye. Nice to meet you.
Wowie.
Real-life superhero.
Yep.
He's pretty remarkable.
No, I wasn't talking about
him.
I was talking about you.
Wow.
See?
Did you think of that all by
yourself?
I did just now.
Wow.
Just came to me.
That's amazing.
Thanks.
I don't know how you do it.
I feel pretty good about it.
You should.
I feel good about it, too.
Okay, good.
Mission accomplished.
媻 with your head full of
lies ♪
♪ and your heart on ice ♪
♪ this may be your chance, so
don't think twice ♪
™ª sit your ass next to me ♪
♪ lose your mask just to see ♪
♪ what goes on under there ♪
♪ in the depths beneath your
hair ♪
♪ with your head full of lies ♪
♪ and your heart on ice ♪
♪ this may be your chance, so
don't think twice ♪
♪ when love needs a push ♪
♪ and a push comes to shove ♪
♪ this may be your chance ♪
♪ don't bust it up ♪
♪ step, take a step ♪
♪ take a leap ♪
♪ take a walk ♪
♪ walk with pride ♪
♪ take a ride ♪
♪ take a side ♪
™ª ♪
♪ with your head full of lies ♪
♪ and your heart on ice ♪
♪ this may be your chance, so
don't think twice ♪
♪ when love needs a push ♪
♪ and a push comes to shove ♪
♪ this may be your chance ♪
neither one of US is gonna...
Nope.
Go. Right.
Wouldn't know how to.
Not a leader.
No. No. Nope.
No tangible leadership
skills.
Yep.
No.
So...
How's business?
Shitty.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
Times are tough.
Yeah, it's tough.
Okay, let's cut.