The Shakiest Gun in the West (1968) - full transcript

Oh, help.! Help.! Help.!

Help! Ohhh!

Help! Help!

Madam, madam,
please be patient.

After all, this is the final
examination for these dental students.

It's important
that you cooperate.

Now, stay in your chair
and try to relax.

Golly Ned, Mother!

Relax. Up we go.

All right.

You just sit down there.
There we go.



All righty, Miss Stevenson.
Now, first things first.

Now we're just gonna take a little
look-see at your general dental condition.

Sort of get
the lay of the land.

You know? Okay.
All righty, open your mouth.

No, no, you see, if, uh...

if you don't open your mouth,
then I can't see anything.

See? That's the way
that works.

Uh, come on now, Miss Stevenson.
Seriously. Open your mouth.

Open up.
Come on, come on.

I'll help you here. I'll get
that... There. Open that...

How're you doing, Heywood? Fine. Fine.

Dr. Friedlander?

What seems to be
the trouble, Heywood?

Complete closure
of the oral cavity, eh?



She won't open her mouth.

Watch me carefully.

Well, Miss Stevenson,
don't we look lovely today.

But we have a toothache,
haven't we?

A tooth saved is a silver dollar
in the bank of health.

Now, open your mouth, dear.

Op... Open wide.

Are we going to open up
that mouth?

Open that rotten
little mouth!

You're in my way, Heywood.
You're in my way!

I can't...
I can't get loose.

Wait 'til I get...

Get me out of here!

You're on your own
from here on, Heywood.

If you don't get that mouth
open and get that tooth fixed,

you don't graduate.
Mm-hmm.

Now, Miss Stevenson,

I realize that this is hardly the
time or place to bring this up,

but, uh, I'd like very much
to see you socially sometime.

Oh! Well, I, uh...
There!

Everything going
okay, Heywood?

Fine. Uh-huh. Fine.

Mm-hmm.

All right, make way
for the mother of a dentist.

The mother ofJesse W. Heywood,
valedictorian.

I'm her best friend.

Uh, Dr. Friedlander,

faculty, students...

and parents.

As we, uh, stand
on the threshold...

Louder.! As we stand on
the threshold of graduation,

we may get the feeling
that this is the end.

This is really the beginning...
Louder.!

This is really the beginning...

of stepping out into new horizons:

north, south, east...

and... west.

Speaking of west,
that is the direc...

that is the direction
that I personally am going to.

Why did I choose the West?

Because the West is a place
where few, if any, dentists have trod.

So I am going to trod there.

Why, Jesse? Why?

Well, Mom,
the West needs dentists.

I mean, teeth are fallin' out
right and left out there.

Teeth are falling out
in Philadelphia too.

Yeah, but Philadelphia is overrun
with dentists. There must be seven!

Gratitude! Gratitude!
Some nice gratitude!

But all the plans,
all the nice surprises.

Your Uncle George was going to give
you an office over the harness shop...

for $3.00 a month.

And Celia's Leonard
was going to give you...

four rolls of wallpaper.

Blue ducks.

Fifty cents a foot!
Wholesale!

Oh, Jesse!

Jesse, Jesse, Jesse!

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.

If he were mine, I'd know what
to do. Put him across my knee.

Butt out!
I'm family!

You're not family!
I'm your aunt!

You're not a real aunt. Just my
mother's best friend. Oh, yeah?

Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah?

How's it going, Heywood? Fine. Fine.

Those half-naked savages
must have colds all the time.

Oh, Ma, that's
an old wives' tale.

Your average Indian's
the healthiest person in the world.

But, Jesse, dear, it stands
to reason... Uh, Ma, Ma, Ma!

Call me "Doctor."

Oh, excuse me,
is this car 24?

Uh, all the way down, mack.
Thank you.

But, Doctor, you've always been
such a delicate little boy.

You've got such touchy sinuses.

You've always had your
father's delicate sinuses.

Aw, Ma!
Now don't "aw" me.

It was your father's
sinuses that killed him.

He was run over
by a beer wagon!

He was blowing his nose
in the middle of the street.

Well, I'm not going to cry.

Good for you, Ma.

I promised myself
I wouldn't cry.

Attagirl.

If you don't believe me,
ask Celia.

I said, "Celia, I'm not
going to cry at the station."

And you've always
kept your word, Ma.

Uh, is this car 24?

Uh, back that way.
Huh. Well...

I'll bet you think
I'm crying right now.

You promised yourself
you wouldn't. And I'm not!

That's 'cause
you're strong, Ma.

Just think, Ma.

Gettin' ready to head west.

In two days, I'll be in Ohio.

In one week, I'll be in St. Louis.

And in two months,
California!

What an age we live in.

Things are moving too fast.

Excuse me, bunky.
Is this about it?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.

Well, Ma...

Oh! Oh, uh...

Ma, you got something
for the porter? Got a nickel?

A nickel?

Uh, n-no charge.

Ma, what's that?

Well, it got your Uncle Metcalf
safely through the Civil War.

Here, you may need it.

Well, gee, Ma,
that's kind of nifty.

Wear it in good health.

Board.!

Well, Ma, I guess this is it.

Good-bye, dear.

Write me as soon
as you get to the West.

I will, Ma.

Don't look back, Ma.

Goin' out west, partner?

Sure am, partner.

Naka washa.

Well...
thank you, dear lady.

Oh, uh, thank you,
dear lady.

Mmm!

That's good!
What is that?

Wana tonka.
Wana tonka?

Lizard roll.

Rest stop! Rest stop!

All right, everybody out
of that stage. Come on!

Come on!

Come on, let's go.!

And you up there,
throw down that strongbox!

Hold it, driver.!

Go ahead!

Whoa! Whoa!

What happened, Arthur?

Two men held us up out on the Willow
Creek Road. They got the strongbox.

All right.
Come on, men. Let's go.

I just love this kind
of stuff. Oh, come on!

Fred, got a passenger for ya
on the through stage.

Be sure he gets on it.

Hot digs!
Come to 2,200 apiece.

You know something, Penny?
This is the first time...

I ever had this much money
at one time in my whole life.

There's plenty more
where that came from, Pop.

I got two stagecoaches lined up
next week. A hundred miles apart.

Hold it, Penny. Count me out. What?

That's right. This was my last job.

After 30 years of rustling cattle
and holding up banks, I'm packing it in.

This'll be easy pickin's, Pop.

No. I'm gonna take
this here money...

and fulfill my lifelong ambition.

What's that, Pop?

Go to Boston and open up
a little dress shop.

A dress shop?

Well, wait a minute, Penny.

Just 'cause I'm rough and dirty
and don't wear underwear,

don't mean that I ain't artistic.

All the years we've been together,
I never heard you mention that once.

Well, I reckon it would sound kind of
funny in front of the other gentlemen.

Well, if that's
the way you want it.

At least we can ride together
as far as Hole in the Wall.

A dress shop?
Hold it, Penny!

What is it?

Sounds like maybe 10 or 15 horses.

Nice posse size.
Let's get outta here.

Whoa! Whoa! Penny, there
ain't but one thing to do.

They're gainin' on us.
We gotta split up.

You follow
that stream there.

I'll head north and try to
draw 'em off. Good luck, honey.

Don't get caught, Pop.
Remember your dress shop.

Yeah, it looks like one of'em.

I just love this kind of stuff.

Let's go.

I just hate this kind of
stuff! Grab her, Floyd!

Where?
Where?

I don't know about grabbin'
women! I ain't married!

Where's that federal
marshal? He's on his way over.

You've got no right!

You've got no right holding
a defenseless woman prisoner!

Now simmer down!
You just simmer down, Penny.

Marshal Bates here
wants to talk to you.

Miss Cushings,
I've got a proposition for you.

Not interested!

Better hear me out.
This paper's a full pardon.

You dang fool! The marshal wants you
to work for the federal government.

It's a trick!
I just love this kind of stuff!

No, it's no trick.
Now listen to me carefully.

Somebody's been smuggling guns
to some renegade Comanche Indians.

What's that got to do with me?

We need your help
to find out who it is.

The marshal wants you to work
as an undercover agent.

We've already lost two men.

We figure they won't be suspicious
of a woman posin' as a homesteader.

Well, what do you think, Penny?

I don't know.

We got enough on you
to send you away for 300 years.

Ya ninny! He wants
to give you a pardon!

Here, read this.

Is it a real pardon?

It's got the governor's
signature on it.

You got yourself a deal.

Hey, this is
pretty excitin'.

You mind if
I tell everybody?

You do and I'll shoot you...
right in the mouth.

Excuse me, sir.

Could you tell me where I could buy
a wagon and a good team of horses?

Yep. Right across
the street there.

Abel Swanson will sell you
anything you want.

But watch him.
He's real slick.

He'll cheat you
if he gets a chance.

Yeah? Well, he'll have to get up
pretty early in the morning...

to pull the wool
overJesse W. Heywood's eyes.

Much obliged.

Love your hat!

Mr. Swanson?

Oh. Howdy.

I'd like to see Mr. Swanson about
gettin' a good rig and a team.

Well, I don't know
anything about that.

And you can tell him that just
because I'm from out of town,

that don't mean I don't
know what it's all about.!

Good day, sir. Abel Swanson,
proprietor, at your service.

Dr. Jesse W. Heywood,
dentist, Philadelphia.

Ah, a professional man! What a pleasure
to do business with a man of science!

Wong, our house is honored
by the presence of a physician.

Wong reveres knowledge.
We are at your service.

Uh, well...

I want to get a rig
and a couple of good strong horses.

And I'll pay nothin'
but a fair price.

It's a pleasure to do business
with a discerning man.

Now, everything you need
is right over here.

There's a potbellied stove,
wrought iron skillet,

twenty pounds of flour,
one axe, two extra handles.

Now, let's see. A stove, $7.50; skillet,
$4.20; flour, $8.50; $9.75 for an axe.

Add that up,
will you, Wong?

That comes to $47, even.
Now for the wagon...

Wait a minute.
Hold it. Hold it!

Forty-seven dollars?
The stove was $7.50.

The skillet was $4.20.
That's $11.70. Then you have...

Have you ever been in the Orient, sir? Huh?

Have you ever been
in the Orient?

No, I never have.

That's amazing.
Simply amazing.

Wong, observe the analytical mind
of the trained scientist.

Skilled in the arts of mathematics,
physics, chemistry.

Able to understand the machinations
of the Oriental calculating abacus.

Run over those figures
for him again, Wong.

Yeah. That's $47, all right.

Extraordinary mind.
You, sir, are amazing.

Now, let's put you into a wagon.
Right this way.

Okay.

You are indeed
a fortunate man!

This is your lucky day!

The wagon you are beholding...
soon to be yours...

is the only one of its kind
west of the Mississippi.

How much is it?
Built of the finest oak.

Once owned by one of the
great pioneers of our west,

the late Sir Lincoln Boone.

I know this is no time
to bring this up, but how much is it?

Excuse me. I'll let it go
for a hundred dollars.

How much? One hundred and fifty dollars.

Now that seems
kind of expensive to me!

Expensive? Too expensive
for a vehicle worthy of transporting...

one of the great scientific minds
of our day?

Sir, this wagon befits you.

Wong, let us not forget. Our house is
honored by the presence of a physician.

Uh, well... Now wait a...
That's enough. I, uh...

Now listen, I think 150 will be okay. Sold!

Wong, add that up.
Forty-seven and 150.

That comes to $232.55.

$232.55?

That is correct.

Well, figures don't lie.

That's an even $250
with the territory tax.

And that'll be cash,
of course.

Territory tax?

Gracias. It was a pleasure doing
business with you, sir. Chop-chop!

Uh, I'll see you.
Oh, wait a minute!

I-I almost forgot.
Well, what about the horses?

Why, surely you jest. There hasn't been
a horse for sale in over three weeks.

Wait a second!
If you didn't have any horses for sale,

how come you sold me
that wagon and all that stuff?

We just like to keep busy.
You have no right to...

What time do you have, sir?
Huh? Oh, 5:30.

We're closed. Well...
Now just wait a minute!

Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it! Why, you...

How am I gonna get out west
if I don't have any horses?

You... You cheaters! Cheaters!

Abacus cadabacus!

Mr. Huggins?
That's right.

Penelope Cushings.
Won't you come in?

What can I do for you,
Miss Cushings?

First, I must warn you, I'm
not taking on any new clients.

I expect to be
leaving town shortly.

The moon is on the wane.

You?

You were looking
for a woman, weren't you?

Well, yes, but you're...
Well, not like you.

Expecting someone
a bit more horsey?

Sort of.

Well, I'm what they came up with,
so let's get down to business.

We're to take the wagon train to San
Miguel with you posing as my wife.

Oh?
Strictly federal business.

Once there,
we get in touch with Will Banks.

You've got a rig?
Waiting out in the staging area.

Any notion as to how the rifles
are getting to the Indians?

Nope. There could even be some
on the wagon train we're taking.

Well, now, do you have everything
you need? Yes, I think so.

Good. We'll leave
day after tomorrow at sunup.

Strictly federal business?

Strictly.

Done and done.

That's Sam Huggins, the lawyer.

Who did it? Shots came from across
the street. This fellow staggered in.

- Did anybody call a doctor?
- Doc Gifford's out of town.

Wait a minute. There's a doctor
right here in the hotel.

Dr. Jesse W. Heywood.
Room three.

Come on, Lyle!
Ernie, come on!

Hurry it up!
He don't answer.

Darn you, Lyle!
Dr. Heywood!

Dr. Heywood!
Wake up! Wake up!

Let's go up there.!

We're coming! Dr. Heywood,
Dr. Heywood! Please, wake up!

Doctor, we have an
emergency in the lobby.

Hmm. Emergency.

Hmm? Yeah.
I'm awake. I'm awake.

All right, everybody.
Stand back. Give this man air.

He's probably got
a badly impacted wisdom tooth.

You fool!
Here's the trouble.

Hey, you sure handled that
nice last night, Doc.

Uh... morning!

Uh, look, I hope I didn't give
the hotel a bad name by fainting.

I mean, I feel bad about that.
Makes me feel terrible.

Your shoe's untied.

Oh, yeah. Thank you.
Well, I'll just, uh...

I'll, uh, tie it over here.

Oh, uh... uh, ma'am?

Ma'am? Wa...
Wait just...

Just... wa...

Uh, ma'am!
Oh, ma'am!

Uh, ma'am.
Excuse me, ma'am.

I just wanted to express
my deepest sympathy...

and to apologize for, uh...

well, what happened
to me there last night.

See, actually I'm a dentist.
See, I'm not a doctor.

And, well, when I see
something like that,

I just sort of go all fuzzy.

What's a tender ninny like you
doing out here in the first place?

Uh, ma'am, uh...

Now I realize that that may have
come about as a result of your grief.

But I don't like to be
called a tender ninny.

Tender ninny!

Okay. All right.
Now, all right.

I'm gonna tell you something.
I'm in teeth!

And I came out here all the way from Philadelphia
single-handed to fight oral ignorance!

And I intend to go
further west!

West is that way.

West! And I'm gonna
find me a couple of horses,

and I'm leaving on
the next wagon train out!

Now what do you think
about that?

Um, are you going to take your
tree and your dog along with you?

I'm sorry about your
husband passin'on, ma'am,

but rules are rules
and I gotta stick to 'em.

No women alone
on the wagon train.

Uh, look, Mr. Welsh, I have
got to get on this wagon train.

No single women.
Company rules.

Well, I've got to find some way.

The only thing I can recommend is you find
yourself a husband by 5:00 tomorrow mornin'.

A husband?
Mm-hmm.

All you need is somethin'
wearin' pants goin' that way.

Uh, west is that...

way.

Oh!

Hello, Dentist.

Hello!

Uh... it's you!

Aren't you going
to ask me to come in?

Huh? Oh... Oh, sure!
Yeah! Come in, come in.

Oh, uh...
I like to keep my hand in.

I'm sorry to bother you like this,

but I have a terrible toothache.

Is it in your mouth?
Oh, yeah.

It would be, wouldn't it?

Sure. Well, you just
sit right down there,

and we'll just take care of it.

I probably should have
made an appointment.

I realize how busy you must be.

Oh, golly, heck!
There's always...

always room for an emerg...

emergency.

Uh...

I'll just, uh...

Wait a min... Uh, well...

I'll tell you what. Could you
just, uh... open your mouth?

Uh... l... I need my mirror.

Oh.

That's okay.

I'll get, uh...
get something else here.

Oh, do you know something?
Hmm?

When you turned away,
I noticed your profile.

It's really very attractive.

My profile?

Well...

Huh?

Oh, your hands!
Oh, they're lovely!

The hands of a surgeon.

Yeah, well, my ha...

Well, uh...

hands have always
run in my family.

Do you know what I think?

Uh-uh.

I think you're very nice.

Do you know what I think?

What?

I think I might faint.

Ohhh.

How did a wonderful
professional man like you...

escape marriage
all these years?

Well, uh, I've always felt I was
a little too thin for marriage.

Ohhh.

And besides, m-my main mission
in life right now i-i-is to go west.

How strange fate is!

I, too, am alone
and going west.

And suddenly,
out of the blue sky,

I meet you.

A big...

tall...

handsome...

man!

Now, wait a minute!
J-Just wait a minute!

I-I don't even know you.

I'm crazy about you.
Isn't that enough?

Now then, the witnesses there, Mrs.
Longbaugh and Slosh White, are 25 cents each,

payable immediately
following the ceremony.

Fine. Speed it up.
The wagon train leaves in an hour.

This is so sudden,
Miss Cushings.

I mean, you just don't fix a tooth
one minute and get married the next.

The song is 50 cents extra.
Would you like the song?

Yes. Fine, fine.

Oh, promise me
that someday...

Let's go, Reverend!

During the music?
Yes!

Well, all right.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here...

Now wait a minute!
Hold it!

I can't get married
without telling my mother.

There isn't any time. We've
got to catch the wagon train,

uh, uh, uh...

Jesse.
Jesse.

My mother will just
never forgive me for this.

We are assembled here in the presence
of God to join together this man...

Now wa... We're strangers.
You know that, don't you?

I'd at least like you
to meet my mother.

Speed it up, Reverend.

He has instructed those who have
entered into this relationship, etc.

That's not Episcopalian!

By the authority invested
in me by the Church,

I declare that you, Penelope,
and, uh, you, uh...

Jesse.

And you, Jesse,
are hereby man and wife.

Attaboy, Reverend!
Now, just hold it!

I don't feel at all that this is
actually... I mean, the whole... the thing...

Mm-hmm.

We'd better hurry if we want
to catch that wagon train.

Well, well, well. You did it,
ma'am. What's the new name?

Dr. and Mrs. Jesse W.
Heywood. You ready to go?

Wagons west!

That's the ticket. Just pull up
behind that last wagon.

Right.

Nice going.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just so darned excited.

Mr. and Mrs. Hiram Remington. Atlanta.

Dr. and Mrs. Jesse W.
Heywood. Philadelphia.

Dr. and Mrs. Jesse W.
Heywood. Philadelphia.

Reverend Zachary Gant and my
loyal minion, Matthew Basch!

Nice couple.

Fix this crate. What are you
trying to do, get us thrown in jail?

Aww, a "purty" little thing
like that and a derby dude,

they ain't likely
to be federal men.

We can't trust anybody.

Now remember that!
Come on, fix it!

Where's Willie?

Beats me.

Willie! Willie!

Here, Ma.

I told you to do that
before we left!

Oh, boy!

Keep your eye
on the road.

I just can't believe it.

Tonight's our wedding night.

In a few hours,
we'll stop...

make camp...

have a little supper...

then beddy-bye.

I was in the same boat
as you 35 years ago.

Is that right?

I'll never forget my wedding
night as long as I live.

I'll bet.
I cried like a baby.

Willie.!

Almost done, Ma.

Penelope?

Penelope?

What do you want?

Are you beddy-bye?

I suppose so.

Guard duty, Dr. Heywood.

You're kidding!

A coyote.

Hoot owl.

Aaah!
Scare ya?

Heck no! You kiddin'?

I come to relieve you, Doc. I reckon you
got some chores you want to fulfill, huh?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Thanks. Good luck.

I'm back.

You're soft.

Come on, you little dickins!
I'll find you!

Come on now! Come on now!
Wh-Where ar... are you?

Penny!
What are you doing?

That you, Willie?

What are you doing
wandering around? Shut up!

What's going on here?

I couldn't sleep,
so I decided to take a walk.

That's all.

Well, you'd be lonesome, too,
if your husband were on guard duty.

It's our wedding night.

Lovers' quarrel, that's all.
All right, back to bed.

Gosh, honey, I didn't realize
you missed me so much.

I wonder what she's up to.

Don't you get it, Zack?
She's got the sweets on me.

I have the same trouble
every place I go.

Women just come runnin' after me,
wantin' to kiss me on the mouth.

Everybody up.! Everybody up.!

Indians! Indians!

Hyah!

What'll we do?

Take cover and start
using that six-gun!

They're Winchesters.

The Heywood wagon.
It ain't with us.

Remington! Tyler!
Some of you men, let's go!

Get back here, you idiot.!

Bang.

Are you all right?
Uh-huh. Yeah. Fine.

Uh, I didn't know
you could shoot like that.

Huh, I didn't know it myself!

Who'd have believed it?

That Doc's a gutty little cuss.

Which one's Doc Heywood?
Right there.

There he is! Hey! Doc!

The greatest!
Attaboy, Doc!

To Doc Heywood,
Indian fighter!

Say, Doc, tell us just how
you killed all them Indians.

Give him a chance to clear
the dust out ofhis throat.

Come on, Doc.
Drink up.!

Oh. Well.

Hmm.

It doesn't pay to drink
too fast when you're thirsty.

That was good, though.
Was good.

Say, Doc, now we hear tell that you
fell far behind the main wagon train.

How did that happen?

Well, I'll tell you.

That was on purpose.

There was a reason for that.

You see, it was
all part of the plan.

It was all
part of the plan!

As I said,
it was all part of the plan.

See, I'd been spotting their signs
for quite a while.

He was a-spottin'
their signs!

One, maybe two months.

And then a plan began
a-formulatin' in my mind.

Then a plan began
a-formulatin' in his mind!

I figured I'd lay back a ways
and draw 'em off the main body.

That was to give the wagon train
a chance to get away.

Chance to get away! You
wanna let me tell this, fella?

See, there's one thing you gotta
keep in mind about Indians.

Them Indians is ten times
as scared as you are...

Didn't mean to scare
Indian fighter.

You character. One of ours.

I wonder.
What?

If that skinny little Philadelphia
jasper could be a federal agent.

He sure looks like
a dentist to me.

How would you know?

You ain't never seen
a dentist in your life.

No need to poke fun
at my only weak point.

I don't know what
you're talking about, lady.

I'm a roofer.
Been a roofer all my life.

Don't know nothing
about the federal government.

Sam Huggins would be talking
to you now, but they shot him.

Get in the wagon.

I knew it!
That whole dentist outfit was a dodge.

Look at those clothes.
He's a gunny for sure.

Yep, Matthew. That's our man.
We've gotta get rid of him.

How you gonna do it?

Simple. I'll have you pick a fight
with him. Gun him down in the street.

Now, wait a minute, Reverend.
I ain't gonna tangle with him.

What's the matter?
'Fraid he'll kill you?

That's part of it. The main
thing is if he nicks me,

why, the scar
will just ruin my looks.

I'll get a professional.

I hear that Arnold the Kid's in town.

Good!

Heck, you're always better off
with a specialist, anyway.

Yeah?

Well, I'll sure know where to look
if I ever need a coward.

Yep.

Arnold, kill Heywood,
I'll give you $600.

All right.
I'll give you $850.

All right.
I'll give you $ 1,000.

They told me this outfit
was an original.

Get out of my way.

What?

You heard me.
Get out of my way!

Well, now. Just who
do you think you are?

Arnold the Kid.

Doc the Heywood.

That name don't scare you?

It scares me this much.

All right, Mr. Kid.

Now you've gone
just a little bit too far.

You're really asking for it.

Make your play!

I'll make my play.
I'll make my play.

Ippity-doo, kanaba dip,

double dare,
knock off the chip!

Now, what's this all about?

You wanna know what that's all about?
I'll tell you what that's all about.

You knock off that chip
and you'll see what it's all about.

Uh-huh. Okay.
All right.

Okay. I'm gonna tell you
something right now.

You just happen to know what I did?
Do you happen to know what I did?

Well, I'll tell you what I did!

I killed twelve Indians
and two horses in one fight.

Now, how do you like
those bananas?

Pass the word to clear the street.

I'll meet you here in half an hour.

Wear your gun.

Hey, I think you might have
something with that Minister Gant.

They checked on him back East,
and he ain't no Pentecostal.

And he sure ain't no Mormon.

They couldn't find one persuasion
that ever heard tell ofhim.

Those Bible boxes
were sure long and heavy.

Hey, maybe you and your husband
could scout around the church.

See what's in them boxes.

Forget my husband.

He's just some Philadelphia jay
I got tied up with to get me out here.

The sooner I get rid of him,
the better.

Appears to me like
he could be of some help.

I hear he's pretty good
with a six-gun.

What's going on?

That's Heywood
out there practicing.

I heard two shots.

That means, uh,
he's got four to go.

That's six. Call him out.

Heywood!

Did you want me for something?

It's been exactly a half hour.

Mm-hmm.

Heywood, I'm even gonna
let you draw first.

Thank you.

Oooh! Aah!

A seven-shooter?

Hey! Great! Attaboy!

What'd you do that for?

I thought you wanted
to get rid of that jay.

I don't know.
Something just come over me.

Great work, Doc.
You showed them.

Atta way, Doc.
Boy, you sure are something.

Excuse me.
Excuse me, fellas. Excuse me.

Uh, Penny!
Penny!

Did you hear about it?
I heard.

'Bout the only thing that saved me
was the old killer instinct.

Uh-huh.

What about supper? I've got
something to do. I'll see you later.

But I ain't seen you all day. Doc
Heywood! The sheriff wants you!

Who? The sheriff wants to see you.

Just a minute, son. Penny,
look... He says it's important!

Well, all right. Where are you
gonna be later? I'll be around.

Yeah.

Darn women. So excitable.

Whenever you're ready, Leonard.

Hold it like that now.

That's dandy.

Thank you.

There. That'll be
a real nice picture for us.

The man who got Arnold the Kid. Well.

I guess we don't need this anymore.

Oh, say. Can I have that? I'd kind
of like to keep it for a souvenir.

Sure, Doc.
Help yourself.

Leonard, get that picture
developed as soon as you can.

Here, you want me
to give you a hand with this?

Yes, please.

There we are.

Oh. Excuse me.

Uh, have you seen
this "ladiola"?

Ah, s?, si.!
Senora dentista. Aqui.

The church?
Aqui.

Gracias, senor.

Penny!

Hold it!
What's the matter?

Thought I heard
something.

Penny!

Oooh! Aah!

Penny!
Shut up.!

Penny!
Keep it quiet!

I've been looking
all over town for you.

What do you want?

Is that you?

Yes, that's me.

I'll explain one of these days,
but not right now.

I can't believe this!
I just can't...

You mean you're a thief? A cattle
rustler? What's this all about?

I'll explain it later. Right now
I'm on government business.

Like what? Like stealing rifles
from a nice church?

Shhh!

It's her. She's the agent. Let's get her.

No. Not now. Let's wait till
Doc Heywood ain't here.

Come on. Out.

It's really none of your business.
Now, let's get out of here.

Government business? What kind of
government business? Hold your voice down!

But I don't get it.
One minute you're a bank robber,

the next minute
you're working for the government.

All right. It's true.

I am Bad Penny Cushings.

But the government said they'd clean
up my record if I did this job for them.

What job?

I can't tell you any more.

Now, look. I don't know
if you realize it,

but our marriage
is getting pretty shaky.

Now, I want to know
what's going on.

All right.

Now, can I count on you to
keep this quiet? Of course!

Hold your voice down.
Of course.

The government
promised me amnesty...

if I found out who's
smuggling rifles to the Indians.

It's Gant and Basch!

Gant and Basch?

The minister and
his loyal minion?

He's no minister.
And he's no minion.

I don't know, Penny.
Everything's just moving too fast.

First you came to me
with a toothache; we got married;

we got on the wagon train;
bang, bang, bang; hurray, hurray.

Then I found out you're a crook. Then you're
not a crook, you're working with the government.

Everything's just moving too fast.

Poor little dude.
You're tired, aren't you?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I think the best thing to do
is to go to bed.

Huh?

I said I think the best thing to do
is to go to bed.

Are you changing?

Uh-huh.

I'll just change
in the closet.

You can't sleep like that!
Those spurs'll kill me!

I've got to get to Fort Tyler
to get the military.

But you said...
I mean, I thought that we...

Fort Tyler?

Don't you understand? If the Indians get
those rifles, they'll wipe out this town.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I better come with you.
I'm pretty handy with a gun, you know.

I'm afraid not, dentist. You couldn't
hit a bleeding elephant in the snow.

Are you kiddin'?

Twelve Indians, two horses
and Arnold the Kid.

Look, you might
as well know.

I shot the Indians
from inside the wagon.

And Arnold the Kid
from the window.

What?

You mean, I didn't...

I mean, none of those...

Nobody?
Nobody.

I'm sorry to have
to tell you that, dentist.

But I wouldn't want you
to come with me.

You might get hurt.

Are you coming back?

I'm afraid not.
But...

But you're my wife.

That was just to get
on the wagon train.

I'm sorry.

Vaya con Dios, amigo.

Gracias.

There he is! Hey!

Attaboy!
All the way down!

Hold it, please.
Just a minute.

Uh, there's something that l...

I have to tell you.

Come on, Doc.
Speak up.

No. No more.

Now, I don't want you to think
that I'm not grateful for the drinks,

and for your all being
so nice and everything.

But, uh, well, I'm just
gonna tell you straight out.

Doc the Heywood,
the well-known Indian fighter,

is a fake.

It's true! It is absolutely true!

Just as long as I'm standing here,
right here, right now. It's the truth.

Well, Doc, somebody
killed them dozen Indians.

Now, who killed 'em?

My wife.

Just a second.!

Just a second.
Hold 'er up.

You got the Kid because
we all seen it. Right!

You got him... zang! With one
shot while you was a-fallin' down!

That's right!
Clean shot!

My wife got him
from a window.

I wasted all my shots like a
darned dumbbell! Don't you remember?

I shot two at the can,

two at the sign,

one at the skillet...

and one in the pants.

All right now!
Hold it! Hold it!

I was watchin' the whole thing.
Now, let's see. There was, uh,

there was two at the can,

two at the sign,

one at the skillet...

and one in the pants.

Two in the can,

two at the sign,
one at the skillet...

and one in the pants.

Oh! Oh!
Help! Aaah!

Failure, failure, failure.

failure, failure,
failure, failure.

That's the story
of my life, you know.

Two things have always
been my downfall.

I have always been...

the most failure
of anybody,

and I'm too thin.

I don't think you're too thin.

It's all bloat.

Bloated thin failure!
That's me!

I think you're wonderful.

I just love a man
that can't make his...

mark in life.

Penny, hmm. Penny, she's
really somethin', you know that?

Mmm-mm.
Mmm.

And she used me.

And she... she tricked me.

She made me think...

that she loved me.

Aww.

I should've known better.

Nobody ever loved me.

Did you know I had to take my own
cousin to the graduation dance?

Awww.

I threw up on her dress.

You are really my kind of guy.

I got on a romance track.

Then I got
on a gunslinger's track.

I gotta get back
on that dentist's track.

Go ahead. Laugh!

Laugh all you like.

I'm not a failure.

I'm a dentist!

A real dentist.

And I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna spread dental health
through the West like a plague!

Come on. I wanna close up.

Good night, Doc.

Brush your dentist twice a day.
Visit your toothbrush once a year.

Hyah!

Penny.!

Penny!

Penny! Pen...

Water.

Uh!

Water. Water.

I gotta have water. l...

Water. I gotta have water.

Uh! Air! I gotta have air!

Air!

Penny! Penny!

Watay. Watay.!

Watay.

Watay. Watay.

Watay.

How many did we give out?

That tallies 181.

That girl. I think I know her.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Isn't that
Laughing Deer's daughter?

No. The Deer girl
married White Antelope.

Rotten Buffalo's cousin? Ohhh!

Ah wan no.

Ah wan no.

Watay.

Watay?

Ah. Ah. Watay?

Watay?
Uh-huh watay.!

Dentist, you're crazy!
Are you all right?

Except for these bindings.
They're killing my hands.

I figure the best time to get out
is after they all get a little drunker.

You know something?

You're a lot spunkier
than I thought you were.

I get that
from my mother.

Sat tey wahn ney.!

He's crazy about me.

Sat tey wahn ney.!

Looks like we're going dancing.

Here. We're gonna need
this when we make our break.

Be careful.

Put me down!

Reverend.
Minion.

Well, now.
If it ain't Doc Heywood,

gunfighter.

Phony gunfighter.

Say, Doc. How 'bout us
havin' a real gunfight, huh?

And to make it even, it'll be just you
against me and the good Reverend here.

Now, uh, what do you
think about that?

You wanna know
what I think about that?

Well, I'll just show you
what I think about that.

Well.

Put it on, Heywood.

Anytime you're ready,
Heywood.

We've got horses right back
there, Penny. Let's go.

Let me go!
Jesse's out there.

Oh, Jesse!

Let's go.

Watay?

Rider coming in!

Get ready.
They're comin'!

Get the women and the kids back into
the church. Get back in the church!

Well, they're sure takin'
their sweet time about it.

Devils!
Hold it.

What the...

Doc Heywood's with 'em.
He sure is.

Open up, boys.
Everything's under control.

Jesse! You're alive!

Yeah! I know.

Take my friend Black Eagle
and fix him up with a big rare steak!

Adjustments are free up to 60 days.
After that, it's a dollar a visit.

I'm so glad you're back.

Me too!

Oh, come on, now.

Come... Come on!
Wait a minute! Wait...