The Sex Trip (2016) - full transcript

After a shallow womanizer refuses a mysterious homeless woman's request for a kiss, he wakes up the next morning to discover he's been changed into a woman.

[playground noises]

[Eddie] When I was ten,
my family moved to America.

Shortly thereafter, I learned
a valuable lesson about love.

Hey, new kid.

You wanna play a card
came called 52 pickup?

[cards falling]

Pick it up,

dick for brains!

[tender music]
[footsteps approaching]

She was the most
beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I fell instantly
and madly in love.

♪ Take a look ♪

♪ At me ♪

Then she broke my heart.

I vowed never to
let love hurt me again.


I'm a master of love.

Your book '52 Pickup'

is basically a how-to
guide for men to pick up women,

- is it not?
- It is, yeah.

And you claim that your book

will help men pick
up a different woman

every week, for a year?

Yeah, it's really that simple.

All they have to do is follow

my three simple
rules of engagement.

That is, trigger her interest

play indifferent

and then go for the kill.

Are you aware how
degrading that is to women?

I mean, some
could say it reduces us

to mere objects who could
be easily tricked into bed?

I mean, how would you
respond to such allegations?

How do I respond?

[fast-paced music]

Guilty as charged.

[music continues]

♪ Bang, bang, bang ♪

♪ It goes all night long ♪

♪ Clang, clang, clang ♪
[moaning continues]

♪ Do that siren song ♪


♪ Are you feeling nervous? ♪

♪ She doesn't feel that way ♪

[electronic beeping]

[upbeat music]


[music slows]

Oh, what the hell is that?

What is this stuff!


[music continues]

[music continues]
[lawnmower whirring]

- Hey, what's up, Ruben?
- Hey, what's... whoa.

- Take it easy, brother.
- Sorry, dude, we just met here.

All right.

Don't get chopped off.
You're early, aren't you?

You got it, bro.

[upbeat music]
[traffic sounds]

Thank you. How's it going? Good?

[paper rustling]
[music continues]

Very well.

There you go. Good luck.


And enjoy it.

[woman] Next in line.

[music continues]

So good to meet you.

Well, thank you for coming.

Dude, you've changed my life.

That's the whole point.

I used to live in
my parents' basement

and only thing I'd score

was my Xbox.

But now...

I'm scoring with ladies.

That's great. Go get them.

[both laugh]

[woman] Next.

Holy shit.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I can't believe it's really you.

It's really me.

I owe you so much.

Your book, has
helped me overcome this.

Tiny penis?



I'm talking about
my lack of style.

That's... I meant
your tiny lack of style.

- Yes.
- I don't know why I said penis.

That's exactly,
I don't know why I said penis.

- You're an asshole.
- I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm sure
you're packing. I didn't...

Baby's arm holding an apple.


- What are you doing?
- I don't know. It just came out.


[music continues]
[traffic sounds]

What a collection
of losers today, huh?

- Worse than usual.
- Yeah.

OK. Those 'losers'

are the reason you live
in a million dollar house

and wear custom-made suits.

Hey, it's OK,
I still love them, though.

Hence the term, 'lovable loser'.

Yeah. And hey,
hey, you know what?

You should show the man
a little more respect here.

OK? He's making your company a
lot of green and you know what?

We haven't signed the contract
for that third book yet. So...

- Don't touch me...
- OK.

It's OK, Steve.

Polly here has a
right to her opinion.

OK, it's Molly.

But Steve is right.

I was out of line.
It won't happen again.

It's all good, babe.

It's all good, Molly.

We sold over a hundred copies.

That's great, Nana.

Yeah, those losers
really eat this shit up. Ha!

[both laugh]

Here. I wrote my number in it.

You want to get with a
real woman, give me a call.


[men laugh]

What the...

Don't even think about it.

[music fades]

Hey, hey, listen.
I almost forgot.

They asked me if
you want to participate

in this charity fashion show.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- How much would it pay?
- Nada. It's for charity.

But all the models
are gonna be celebs.

- Oh, interesting.
- Yeah. Yeah.

It's gonna be
some big names there.

You know what?

Might allow me to
broaden my fishing pond.

[both laugh]

And you've got
quite the pole, huh?

- Dude.
- I know.

- That was...
- I know.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- We won't...
- Don't worry.

I regretted the second
it came out of my mouth.

[car engine roars]

Hey! Wait a minute.

Hey, don't forget about
this release party tonight!

- Huh?
- I said don't forget...

[car engine roars]

You're an asshole.
[Eddie laughs]


You hear that?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, get out of here.

Fancy car piece of shit.

[upbeat music]

Take care of it, buddy.

[music continues]

- Edison Greenleaf.
- Jesus.





Do I know...
How do you know my name?

Does it really matter?

Of... I'm a fool.
Of course, from the jackets of my book. OK.

- You want an autograph?
- Look, Eddie...

I'm here to ask you something.

Yeah... you see,
I don't really carry cash.

I don't want your money.

Then what do you want?

You don't really
respect women, do you?

I'm sorry, what?

I... did Steve Burns put
you up to this? Where is he?

Women are nothing but notches...

- on your bedpost!
- Yeah, my bedpost.

In fact, I don't even
have bedposts on my bed, so...

That's a metaphor, Eddie.

A metaphor...

Oh, I get...

I'm being punked, aren't I?

This is brilliant!

Where? Where are they? All right,
you can come out now. Where's the film crew?

There's no film crew, Eddie!

All right. You know, I'm tired
of this. No more games, OK?

Then give me what I'm here for.

And what are you here for?

Kiss me.

Jeez, I don't think
that's gonna happen.

Prove to me that you can
see the beauty in all women.

The beauty beneath the surface.

- Kiss me!
- All right.

No offense,
you crazy old bat, but

I'd rather my dick
dropped off, all right?

- What a...
- Suit yourself.

[mysterious sound]

[contemporary music]

Yeah, so, ah, Molly, listen.

- I, uhh...
- Too close.


You're doing that thing kids
do when they like each other...


Well, OK, then.

How about we talk business.

Maybe a few strawberry daiquiris,
discuss that third contract.

What do you say?

[groans] Oh, god.

[music continues]

And then, two of my eight cats,
they got in this really big fight.

- All right.
- It was just horrible.

I ended up having to
take Mr. Muggles to the vet

and then we had to put
him down. Sorry, I can't talk.

All right, I'm
really happy for you.

[music continues]

I thought super-models were
required to be anorexic, but

you look just so
goddamn healthy.


Are you saying that I look fat?

No, no, that's
not what I'm saying.

I'm saying you
look really healthy.

Oh my god.

I shouldn't have eaten
this puffy cheese thing.

Don't be so hard on yourself,
you know. You're only human.

Humans are flawed.

Wait, are you
saying I have flaws?

No, I'm saying that

I think you're gorgeous.

Just don't worry about what
anybody else thinks about you.

Wait. You say people
are talking about me?

Well, you know what
these bitches are like.

[music continues]

We should think about,
getting out of here soon.

It's getting a little, umm...

a little toxic, I think.

Tell me about it.

- Uhh.
- Umm.


Hey, umm...

would you like to
come back to my place?

It's like five minutes away.

Really, uhh...


Early start in
the morning, uhh...

Oh, please?


I promise to make
it worth your while.

[fast-paced music]

Well, if you insist.


Let's get out of here quick.

[fast-paced music]

[loud moans]

No. On the bed.

[music continues]

What the fuck?

[mysterious music]


Oh my god.

Can't be.

[mysterious music]

I must be dreaming.




[door creaking]

Where are you going?

[light switch clicks]

[door closes]

[cellphone buzzing]

Come on, come on.

[cellphone buzzing]





You need to get to
my place right away.

Who is this?

It's Eddie, dumb-ass.

Really? Who is this?


you just need to get to Eddie's
place as soon as you can.



because he wants you
to join us in a threesome.


He's never asked me that before.

Are you in or what?

I'm in! I'm in! I'm in!

I'm in.



[fast-paced music]

[music fades]

[knocks on door]

About time.

[knocking on door]

[knocking on door]

[door opens]



[door closes]

Huh, look at you.


Your stud service has arrived.


I studied Goju Kai karate.



by the way.

Yeah. Uhh...

So, where is he?

Where's Eddie?

Funny thing about that.


You back here?

So where's he?

It's me, Steve. Eddie.




You back here?

Uhh, he's standing
right in front of you.

OK. I get it.

You're hot.

I don't know
what's going on here, but

but if you don't
tell me where Eddie is

I'm gonna have to call the cops.

OK, listen to me, Steve.

I really don't
know what happened.

Last night I fell
asleep and when I woke up

I was this.

Have it your way.

Beth McDonald.

What was that?

Your crush in middle school.

Beth McDonald,
the one that got away.

OK. Eddie's the
only one who knows that.


All that proves is
that he told you about her.

OK, how about Jessica Levine?

You lost your virginity
to her in tenth grade

and cried like a little baby.

That's cause she bit my dick!

Wait. OK,
what's go... Did... did...

Did he tell you
my whole life story?

Steve. It's me.

Eddie. Stuck
inside a chick's body.


Come on.



Fine. If you're
Eddie, tell me this

Two years ago,
we took a trip to Vegas.

We got really drunk
with some strippers

and they dared us to do
something really disgusting.

The next day we swore...

we swore we would
never talk about it again.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Really, Steve?

You're gonna make
me say this out loud?


If you're Eddie...

well, you'd know all about it.


OK, we gave
each other hand jobs.


excuse me, what was that?

We gave each other hand jobs.

Are you happy?



I just puked in my mouth.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Eddie.

This is impossible.
I mean, how...


How did this happen?

I don't know.

Like I said, I fell
asleep at Alexa's last night

after banging her up and down

and when I woke up

I was a chick.


at least you're hot.

Shut the fuck up.


- You think I'm hot?
- Oh yeah, I do.

So you would have
sex with me, knowing it's me,


inside this body?

Hey, after Vegas,
what have I got to lose?

- Good point.
- Right?

So, if you don't mind, can I...

- See the whole package, maybe?
- What?

You know, minus the clothes.

Dude, I am not taking
my clothes off for you.

OK, fine. Be that way.

I have to say

my breasts are really perky.

[dream music]


[music continues]



I'm a First Dan.


I said, we need to
figure out what happened to me.




Let's figure this out.

Let's think about
the last 24 hours, yeah?

- You had the book signing.
- Yeah.

You had the release party.

You had sex with a super-model.

Nothing unusual.

OK, then.

- Wait.
- What?

The homeless woman.

You had sex
with a homeless woman?

No, dumb-ass.

I was outside the
building before the party.

And this homeless
woman came up to me.

She knew my name, said...

said, I don't respect women,

didn't see their inner
beauty, some shit like that.

Then, she asked me to kiss her.

Wow, how was that?

That's the thing.
I mean, I blew her off.

She was fucking hideous.

I would've fucked her.


She must have put a spell on me.

That's the only
thing that makes sense.


OK. So...

we are looking
for a homeless woman

with magical powers.

I mean...
I don't know. I guess so.

Maybe she was a witch.

- A witch?
- Did she have a broom?

- No.
- OK.


she did have a
really big walking stick.

Her magic wand!

Kind of magic wand, yeah.

Right. Well...

with all these magical powers,
why was she still so ugly?

- What?
- I mean, the first thing you do

is make yourself hot, right?

What's that got
to do with anything?

Ah. Wait a minute. No!

Because if she was hot

it would have been
easy for you to kiss her.

My god, this lady is slick.

Gotta tell you, if she was
here, I'd give her some props.

You're an idi...

- That's it.
- What?

We have to find her.

I mean, if she
turned me into a chick

then she can turn me back again.

Wait a minute. Listen to me.

You know how hard it's gonna be to
find a homeless woman in this city?

Like trying to find
a virgin in a whorehouse.

OK, listen to me, Steve.

We either find her

or I'm stuck as a chick
for I don't know how long.

Maybe forever.

Doesn't worry me,
because you're kind of hot.


Me and you

not gonna happen.

[upbeat music]

Not until I slip
you a few mickeys.

I still say, if
she had magic powers

she'd use them
not to be homeless.

Or, maybe searching for her in
homeless shelters is part of the test.

Yeah, but not the fun part.

[music continues]

Can I help you?

Yeah, hi, we're trying
to find a homeless woman.

This is a homeless shelter.

We have about 40 of them.

She's really old.

There's about 30 of them.

She's really ugly.

Look, this is really important.

You see...

I think she took
something of mine.

So let me get this straight.

Some poor old homeless woman

who's probably
struggling to survive

took something from you.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So what do you want me to do?

I make our clients
line up so you can pick her out?

Oh my god,
that would be so great.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

[shelter worker laughs]

Have you ever
heard of sarcasm, skippy?

That shit ain't happening.

Well, can we
at least have a look around?

No, you can't be
looking around in here.

OK, what do you expect us to do?

What I expect you to do

is to take your skinny

sorry asses and
get up outta here before I...


what's going on here?

These two claim that a
homeless woman stole from them.

And they want us
to line up our clients

like a bunch of criminals
so they can pick her out.

Well, that's not exactly true.

Hi, I'm Jess White.

I'm the manager.

Hi, I'm Ed... Greenleaf.

So why don't you tell
me what's going on here?

OK, the other night,
I ran into this homeless woman on the street.

She was really ugly.


I think she might have
taken something of mine.

I see.


And, what would that be?
If you don't mind my asking.

- It was, uhh...
- Her identity.

She took your identity?

Oh, it's...
kind of hard to explain.

You... you mean your ID?

That's right. Her ID.

Oh, well, I guess I can
see why you'd want that back.

- Yeah, I know, right?
- So, umm...

can you describe her for me?

Yeah, umm, she's
about 80 years old, with this

wild, grey hair, and
this really big crooked nose.

Tell her about
the walking stick.

Oh yeah, she had this
massive wooden walking stick.

Yeah, like a magic wand.

- Like a magic wand?
- Uhuh.

What a plain Jane, huh?

Yeah, I know.
You should have asked her out.

What? She was a five at best.

Yeah, but
together you'd make a ten.

You're an asshole.

Five shelters
and no sign of her.

Buddy, I've got
to tell you I'm starvin marvin,

you know what I'm saying?

This may be
harder than I thought.

[door closes]

Look, uhh...

maybe we should eat something.
Maybe get a little Thai food?

- Maybe, just a...
- What?

Some Thai food.
Man, I'm starving, come on.

Sure. Whatever.



Look. Listen to me.

We will find
this homeless woman.

This witch.

Whatever it is you think
she is, we will find her.

Yeah, but what
do I do until then?

I'm a chick, Steve.


Well, you know what?

- Embrace it.
- Embrace it?

Yes, Eddie.

Embrace it.

I mean, come on,
Eddie, think about it.

A chance for you to see what
it's like on the other side.

Right? Embrace that!

And, hey...

it may be a good time to do a little
research for your third book.


- Hmm.
- There you go.


I'm starving. Going to eat.

[fast-paced music]

Good morning.
How can I help you?

Hey, guys. Ma'am.

Umm, look.

We're here to get my
sister here some chick clothes.

He, she needs
a little of everything.

You've come right place.

What is size?

Uhh, 32 regular.

Ha, just kidding.


I'm a size...

- Two?
- Yeah, sure, two.



[music continues]

So, uhh...

you guys are from Russia, right?

Da, Moscow.

Da. Cool.

In winter

is so cold

we pray, global warming.


Hell, no.

Oh, something wrong?

Yeah, this is messed up.

Wrong size?

You tell me.


Holy shit.

Looks a good fit.

So it's supposed to feel like someone's
cutting you in half with a rusty butter knife?

Da, pretty much.

I mean, I have to admit...

I do like how this
displays the goods.

Perky, like pair of chipmunks.

[nervous laugh]

Steve, what do you think?

Marry me.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

No, I'm serious. Marry me.

Because you and I,
we make a great couple.

What happens when I
go through the change?

I'm not giving you
any more hand jobs.

She's really not my sister.


No, no, no, she's actually
a little more like my brother.

I'm sorry, Eddie.

But, you mind turning around and give
me a little bit of that rusty butter?

You're an idiot.
[music continues]


[fast-paced music]

♪ Oh my, oh my ♪

♪ You really got my attention ♪

♪ You made me stop
What I was doing ♪

♪ You made me
Look in your direction ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[music fades]

Hey, Eddy.

How're you doing, man?

- Yeah, good to see you.
- Nice to see you.

Eddy, Ed... Edna. Edna, Eddy.

Edna, my pleasure.
Ooh, firm handshake.

Buddy, she needs
the works. What do you think?

I mean, give her
the works and put your...

We don't need to do
much. We'll just do her hair.

Right, right.

I got an amazing
hair stylist, my wife.

- Your wife?
- Your wife?

She's the best. Yeah, she's amazing.
You will be more than happy.

That's wonderful, Eddy,
thank you. Thank you so much.


Come on out, baby.
Someone to meet somebody.

You snapped.
You know what that means?

- I know, I know.
- Excited.


Edna, this is James.

Edna, James.

- The best.
- Welcome to our salon.

- Only the best.
- Eddy James he starts, I finish.

Always a happy ending.

Well... [laughs]

So are we doing
anything with him?

I'm fine.

- It's all about her.
- It's her today, baby.

- No, no, no.
- Don't.

- Come on, not today.
- Don't even, start with it.

Me, not today?

You snap and look at him,
the way you just looked at him-

- No, it's really about her.
- Yeah.

Which is why
I'm having a co... ex...

- a conversation...
- I'm sorry.

with my husband.

You're flirting.

Oh, no, I'm not, babe.
You know you're the one for me.

- Anyways.
- I'm sorry.

Yes, that's what I need.

And enough of that.

Sweetheart, listen,
let's get you started.

Don't worry about this.
That's between him and I.

We'll take care
of you just fine.

You're in good hands,
magic hands. Come with me.

Do your magic.

You know I do.

[sighs] So...

when the husband snaps

I have magic to perform. So...

I am gonna give you a little...

Oh, gosh, I don't know.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna give you more waves

than a Hawaiian surf

how does that sound?

[hair dryer whirring]

- Steve!
- Yo?

What do you think?

That's hot. Hot.

It is hot, Steve.

I mean, look at her

but then look at you.

How about I do
you next, handsome?

OK, I'm good.

- Come on, Steve.
- Come on, Steve.

Let James work his magic.

I'm good.


I promise I won't hurt you.

- [nervous chuckle]
- Ah!

Unless you want me to...


Is it gonna hurt?

Oh, don't worry.

It's like giving
head to a babushka.

Hmm? OK.



[ripping sound]

[Edna screams]


[fast-paced music]

He... she deserves it.

[music continues]

[door opens]


Last time I'm
shopping with you, pal.

Here we go.


Look, I gotta get
back to the office.

But listen to me.

I'm meeting Molly
at the GC Marketplace.

We're gonna discuss the
contract of your third book, so

if you care to
join us for a drink...

I'm not hitting on you.

- Right...
- Eddie, look, I get it.

You're Eddie, you're
not Edna. I get that.

- Uhuh.
- I mean...

I must have lost my mind, I mean

you think about it.

The situation's
a little scary, right?

- Yeah, you can say that again.
- OK, so...

we talked about
this. Embrace it.

- Uhuh.
- Maybe

see what it's like
on the other side.

- OK, you're right.
- Cool.

And maybe...

wear the slinky black dress with
the high heels and the thong.

[fast-paced music]

[men whooping]

[upbeat music]

[music continues]

[music slows]

[locker opens]



Are you new here?

Yeah, I'm all new.

I've never seen you here before.

Can you put some lotion on my
back, please?


Rub me really good.

[fast-paced upbeat music]


- Problem with the machine?
- No, problem with these.

- Not used to running with them.
- You just get them done?

- Yeah, you can say that.
- Well kudos to your doctor.

- They look totally natural.
- You think so?

Yeah, yeah.
I mean that I’d have to feel

- them to know for sure.
- Excuse me?

What do you say after work out,

- we go back to my place, huh?
- Unbelievable.

- Come on, babe.
- I have a penis!

[fun music]

[Frank] Well, so,
I end my set.

I walked off the stage and started
looking for this young lady.

Well, she’s sitting at this bar,
just like you.

And then I walked up holding

this panties, and I say,
"I think this belong to you."

And she says, "Actually,"
but starts laughing though,

"Actually, they are gift
for my grandmother."

So after taking a look at
them, I realized...

- They are granny panties.
- Yeah, big ones.

Well anyway, you’ve got
my number.

Alright, so give me a call.
I’ll see you, gorgeous.

Wait a minute, aren’t you
Frank Stallone?

Sure, kid.

- Who is that guy?
- Frank Stallone.

Right. I knew it.
He doesn’t remember me.

We had this night, I mean,
it was dark and he...

he was... he... he...
I'll tell you about it some other time.

Back to business, beautiful.
I just...

- Not gonna happen.
- As in not gonna happen?

- Ever.
- As in never?

Ever. Ever. Ever.

- So I guess that’s a no.
- I would rather die.

Get to the point next time.

[upbeat music]

- Holy shit!
- Hi, Molly Morrison.

- Edna Greenleaf.
- Greenleaf?

- Yeah, I am Eddie’s sister.
- Oh!

- Nice to meet you.
- Very nice to meet you.

She is great, great, great.
What the fuck did you do?

What happened sweetheart?
Just a little...

I had a little bit trouble,
you know?

- A little bit?
- Don’t wear makeup much?

It’s my first time.
I mean, me and Eddie,

- we are from Amish country.
- More like clownish country.

- Again.
- Interesting.

No. Hey, look.
What is interesting, ladies.

We don’t care about you.
Go this way.

Okay, umm...
what are we doing?

You ever heard of Van...
D... Gogh.

He’s got no ears!
What do you know.

Hey, how are you guys doing?
Hey dreamboat.

NO, not you, shipwreck.
I was taking to...

[music continues]

- What took you guys so long?
- Rome wasn’t built a day.

What the fuck does that have
to do with anything?

Rome. I like that show.
I watch that show.

Let me get the drink.

Hey, isn’t that chick
from homeless shelter.

- Jess something.
- Yeah. I think so.

- I wonder why she is here alone.
- Who cares?

- I think I am gonna go say hi.
- Wh... why?

- To be polite.
- You? I mean, yeah.

Go ahead.
And I am outta here, ok?

- Sounds good.
- Yeah, me too.

Wait a minute.
How would you like a ride?

- I think I am going right...
- No.

Okay. How about you give me a
ride home

- because I don’t have a car.
- No.

You know,
I saw this article today.

- [Edna] Hi.
- Hi.

[Edna] Do you mind
if I join you?

- Do we know each other?
- Yeah, we met at

the homeless shelter.
I was looking for that

- homeless woman took my ID.
- Oh, that’s right.

- Your name was... Edna.
- Yeah, Edna.

- Sure, have a seat.
- Thanks.

- It’s Jess, right?
- Yup.

So you here alone?

- No.
- Alright.

- You want some?
- I’m good, thanks.

So did you ever find that
woman you were looking for?

- Not yet.
- You got...

- What?
- You got something here.

- Thank you.
- There. All gone.

- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah. Sure.

- Are you hitting on me?
- I am sorry.

I mean, I am flattered and all.

- I am straight.
- Yeah, so am I.

Oh. Oh my gosh.
I am so sorry.

No, it’s fine.
Don’t worry about it.

Well, in fact,
it’s been a while since...

- since anyone hit on me.
- Really?

It’s hard to believe.

Ok. It’s all about confidence.

You have to believe you are
the most attractive,

- desirable person in the room.
- Yeah, that’s not me.

Okay, well, there’s always
liquid confidence.

- Liquid confidence?
- Mhm.

Thank you.

[fun music]

Ok, Jess.
Do you see that guy

over there at the bar?

I want you to go over
and talk to him.

No way.

Come on.
What is the worst that’s

gonna happen?

I’ll try to flirt, and he'll
laugh so hard that he...

he falls off his chair,
bangs his head,

and he is in coma.

Wow, you’ve got quite
an imagination.

- I'm just saying, I can’t.
- Come on, Jess.

Come on.

You are a smart,
confident woman.

That guy, he would be so lucky
to date you.

I'm a smart, confident woman...

- Ok.
- Ok. Wait.

Do you need those glasses?

- Only to see.
- OK. That’s fine.

- Okay.
- You look great.


[music continues]

- Hi.
- Hey.

Watching the game?

Yeah, I am watching the game.

- I’m Jess.
- Dylan.

So, Dylan, you come here often?

Look. I bet you are really
nice person,

but I have girlfriend, and I’m
a little bit busy right now.

- So I am sorry.
- I am really sorry.

Friggin’ Dodgers.
Biggest payroll in baseball

and they're playing like minor

Tell me about it.
I know.

I bet you can hit better
than Bradley.

- And look better doing it.
- Dylan.

- Edna.
- Edna, can I buy you a drink?

- Yeah, sure.
- What would you like to have?

Dirty martini.
Extra dirty.

Papa, can I get a dirty martini.
Extra dirty, please.

So, Edna, how come I’ve never
seen you?

- It’s me first time in here.
- I guess this is my lucky day.

I guess it’s mine too.

Thank you.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure. Shoot.

- Are you single?
- As matter of fact, I am.

I see.

[drink splatters]

- What the hell?
- Come on, Jess.

We are going.
He is a right wanker anyway.


- That was awesome.
- It really was.

You shot that guy down.

Down to the ground.

[Jess snorts]

- You just snorted.
- Oh, I am sorry.

Come on.
It’s really cute.

- Why are hot guys like that?
- What do you mean?

- You know like... ow!
- I am sorry, Jess.

- Like superficial dirt bags.
- I know, right.

- Why do you think that is?
- I... I don’t know.

- I mean, men right?
- Men.

Do you want me to give you
a ride back to mine?

Jess, are you ok?

You all right?


Look. It’s cheese fries.

I mean, are you all right?

I’m going to take you back
to mine.

[upbeat music]

Welcome to adult warehouse.

[together] The paradise
for sexually-active adults.

Um, hi.
I was kinda, you know,

wandering outside, and thought
I’d come in have a look.

Don’t worry,
nothing in here bites.

- Unless you want it to.
- Good one.

- Do you have any questions?
- We are here to serve you.

You guys have anything

you recommend if you wanna,
you know.

- Get your Amelia Earhart on?
- I’m sorry?

She means fly solo.
Yeah, yeah, that.

- Wonderful.
- Right this way.

This is where you’ll find your
beaver buzzers,

magic wands, pussy plungers,
hamburger helpers

and wacky wobblers.

Personally, I like
the butterfly.

It really makes me squirt!

And I like the butterfly too.

You can even get
one with a butt plug.

It makes you wonder why you put
up with guys and all their games.

It really does.


That blow-up doll is
for display purposes only!

Yeah, we're talking to you, pal!

[both sigh]

[together] School principals.

Well... have fun.

Find us if you have
any more questions.

[upbeat music]

Holy shit!

[music continues]


Need some help?

Yeah, thanks.

[Edna chuckles]

Never been here before.

Well, I think
they have a, a policy.

You knock it to
the floor, you bought it.

Well, I guess I'll have
to throw a party, then.

I'm Matt.

- Edna.
- I'm here to...

find a gag gift for my...

my buddy's bachelor party.

Wow, if you're
looking to gag someone

I think this might do the trick.


Think they
modeled that on someone?

Yeah. Sea Biscuit.


A girl who knows her horses.

That's really unusual.


- I'm pretty unusual.
- Really?

OK, I... I know this might
seem forward and all, but...

what would you think about meeting
me for a cup of coffee some time?

Now, you don't
have to decide right now.

Here's my card.

You get thirsty,

you give me a call.

All right.

And, it doesn't have
to be coffee. It could be tea.

Whatever you like. It's on me.

[music continues]

I think I'm gonna
fix him up with Jess.


- An investment banker.
- Uhuh.

- Not bad.
- He's pretty good looking, too.

OK. Is that
Eddie or Edna talking?

- Umm...
- I'm just saying.


So, uhh... wow.

Where'd you meet him?


Yeah, where?
What is it, a secret?


So where'd you meet him?

[Edna sighs]

Adult Warehouse.

I mean, I had to get out of here
before I wore out my nipples.

Oh, really? Yeah,
I get that. The question is

did you buy anything...


- I mean...
- Eddie!

I mean, really?
I said embrace it, but...

- I just...
- This, this will kill you.

I thought it might be useful
for my third book, you know?

Third book?
Third and final book.

What are you
doing to yourself here?

My god.

- Yeah...
- I mean...

you embraced it.

OK, I just gotta tell you.

This, the whole
thing, I'm not feeling

too good about, this.

Well, I just wanted to
test my female parts, you know?

I'm out of here, pal.

You've got your
own... you're home now.

That's just too much.

[drum music]


Don't worry, OK? We'll find a
place for you to sleep tonight.

Even if you have to
come home and stay at mine.

- OK?
- OK.

So sweet.

- Edna. Hi.
- Hi, Jess.

Why don't you go
wait by there? OK, then?

Just stopping by,
cause I found you a date.

You did?

He's nice-looking,
successful, good sense of humor.

What do you think?

I don't know...

Oh, come on, Jess, you asked
me to introduce you to someone.

I know.

So, what's the problem?

It's just...

I don't think I can take any
more rejection right now, OK?

[soft music]

There are a few things we could
do to improve your chances.

What do you mean?

Do you trust me?


[fast-paced music]
Sweetheart, listen.

When I get done with you...

you are going to attract

more men, than
pre-menopausal Madonna.

- Oh, you really think so?
- I know so.

You see these hands?

These are magical hands.

And they should be registered with
the Magicians' Guild of America.

Trust me, Jess, he's the best.

That's what he said.

[Jess chuckles]

[snaps fingers]

[upbeat piano music]

OK, here I come.

[music continues]


You've become beautiful moth.

Don't you mean, butterfly?


Are you sure it's not
a little, too revealing?

No, no.

It's the, uhh,
perfect amount of revealing.

Now you are ready,
become trophy wife.

Oh, that's not my goal.

All you have to
do is be yourself.

I mean, there's a lot to like.

You think so?

More than you know.

[music continues]

Can I ask you something?

- Sure.
- How come...

you haven't tried to
fix me up with your brother?

- With Eddie?
- Uhuh.



Because I don't know
when he's coming back.

Where did he go?


went to prison.

[music continues]


Shut up.

[music continues]

Oh my gosh.

I'm so sorry.

It's OK.

It must be really
hard on your family.

Yeah, it is.

Can I ask what he did?

Eddie's a fraud.

I mean like,
he committed a fraud.

Wow. Really?

[music continues]

- Crazy white people.
- Tell me about it.

I think this one is a lesbian.


Strange vibe.

Maybe you should fix
her up with your cousin.

She doesn't like white chicks.

[both laugh]

I'm thinking of taking Eddie's
place in the fashion show.

It's for a good cause, right?

No, I was out with Jess.

We went and got pedicures.

My feet have
never looked so good.


I am not sending you
a picture of my feet.

Goodbye, Steve!

I mean

what's the big
deal with this thing?

[upbeat music]


[music continues]

OK, remember.
If you and Matt hit it off

just say the code word and
I'll make an excuse to leave.

Bananas. Hmm?

All right, we're here.

[sophisticated music]

- Hi.
- Hi.

I hope you don't mind, I...

brought along a friend.

This is Jess.

- This is Matt.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

So, what would
you guys like to drink?

No, no, no. Let me get this.

No, no. You guys chat
and get to know each other.

I'll go get the drinks.

- OK.
- A cappuccino.


[music continues]

- Here you go.
- [indistinct]

[music continues]

- What can I get started for you?
- Uhh, two cappuccinos, please.

Here you go. Hey.

That's for you.


You gotta get those young ladies
used to getting flowers, you know?

That's true, that's true.

It's not gonna be
the last time, hopefully.

Hopefully not.

Can I get your name?

And your number?

What? What do
you need my number for?

So I can call you later.

OK, look.

I'm a dude.

You're a dude.

Yeah, that's right.

What're you playing?
Hide the banana?

Yeah, something like that.

You could've
just said no, thanks.

You're a fine-ass dude, though.

[music continues]

- There you go.
- Oh, thank you.


Did you know that Matt volunteers
at a homeless shelter?

- No.
- Yeah, it's no big deal. I...

I was raised by a family
who believe in giving back.


Actually, he's gonna volunteer
at my shelter this weekend.


Yeah, I figure I'm doing my part
no matter which shelter I'm at.


So at what shelter
do you normally volunteer at?

Uhh, you...

probably wouldn't know.
It's on the other side of town.


I know pretty much
every shelter in town.

- Right.
- [both chuckle]

Go on, give me a try.


OK, umm...

Well, it's... umm...

it's on...

Edna, did you
happen to see if the, umm...

if they have any bananas?

I'm sorry?

You know, bananas.

My banana's gone AWOL.


[music continues]

I mean, our bananas.

They don't have any bananas.


Uhh, I'd be happy to
split my cup cake with you.

- Oh god.
- Thank you, that's so sweet.

You know, I'm
gonna really have to go.

I've got something really
important to take care of.

- Oh, really?
- Uhuh.

Yeah, but you guys,

you guys have fun.
Get to know each other.

Is that OK with you, Jess?

I'd like that.


See ya.



tell me a little about yourself.

Well, umm, as you know I work...

- You're jealous.
- No, I'm not.


Look, I'm just
a little worried about her.

Why? You're the one
who set them up, right?

I thought it'd be different.

Different? Why? What
do you mean? Like what?

Different than us.


Look. Maybe it's my
female hormones talking, but...

the idea of tricking women to get
them into bed, it just seems...


Is there any other way?


Besides, you're the one
who wrote the how-to manual.

- I know.
- Actually, two manuals

- the blog, the article...
- I said I know.

- Touchy.
- Hey, you're the one who told me

I should start looking at stuff
from a female's perspective.

Damn, I did, didn't I?

Umm, I'm just starting to realize there's
more to life than one-night stands.

Is there?

I mean, haven't you ever thought
about being in a relationship?

You know, like getting married?

Dude, that's messed up.

Is it?

I mean, come on, Eddie.

Please, you're starting to sound
like an old woman, or an old man

or, whatever it is that you are.

- OK, maybe you're right.
- No, I am right.

It's just...

you know, Jess, she's different to
the other girls I've been with.

What is that
supposed to mean, Eddie?

She's kind, she's
smart, she's vulnerable.

And when she laughs, she does like,
you know, this sort of snort thing.

It's really cute.

Oh shit!

You're falling for her.

- That's crazy.
- Is it?

- Hey, we're up next!
- You know I'm right.

- Yeah?
- I know you're an idiot.

Yeah, I'm an idiot, but
you're in love with Jess.

[singing] You're
in love with Jess.

[singing] You're in love with...

[loud thud]

You're an idiot.

[upbeat music]

[door opens]

- Hi.
- Hi.

I was just
actually running a bath.

Oh. I can go and come back.

Don't be silly, come on in.

I can pour you some wine,
we can talk while I soak.

[door closes]

Something wrong?

Uh, no.

Good. So, red or white?

Uhh, red. Red would be great.

Red it is.

This is my kitchen.

Oh, very nice. I like it.

Sorry, it's a
little bit of a mess.

No, no.

Oh, this is all that's left.




All right, then.

Follow me.

[sophisticated music]

[door closes]
Have a seat right there.

I'd invite you
to join me, but...

[laughing hysterically]

Are you all right, Edna?


I'm good.


[music continues]

So, you said you wanted to talk?

Yeah, yeah, I'm just kind of curious
about how things with you and Matt go.

Really well.

We've been talking
every day on the phone.

Oh, so you're
gonna see him again?

Tomorrow, when he
volunteers at the shelter.


You know,
he seems like a great guy.

Yeah, I mean, he does
seem that way, doesn't he?

Plus, he is so dreamy.

OK, Jess.

Promise me you'll
be careful again.

What do you mean?

I just don't
know Matt that well.

And sometimes, guys...

they can be snakes.

You're so sweet.


I'm a lot of things.

So, how come you didn't
go after Matt yourself?

He's not really my type.

- No?
- Nah.


kind of have my
eye on someone else.

Oh, is it that guy you
came by the shelter with?

- Steve?
- Yes.

No. He wishes.

Nah, not him.

Someone who...

doesn't really know
how I feel about them.

Then why don't
you just go for it?

[music continues]

- Edna.
- Umm...

I can't.

Come on.

You're a smart, confident woman.

Any guy would be
lucky to date you.

[Edna chuckles]

[both laugh]

[upbeat music]

[door opens]

So I said,

"How about a little notice."

- What a concept.
- I know, right?

Excuse me.

I noticed you came out
from Lewis, Brown and Anderson.

- Yeah?
- Do you know Matt Flannery?

- I work for him.
- You do?

Yeah, why?

I met him the other
day and he asked me out.

- He asked you out?
- Yeah.

- I don't think so, honey.
- What do you mean?

- Matt's happily married.
- With three kids.

[fast-paced music]

[Steve laughs] How do you
know the guy was married?

I talked to his secretary.

Damn, you're good.

Yeah? And Matt's a scumbag.



Come on, you gotta give
this guy some props, right?

It's quite
the scam he pulled off.

I'd like to give him
something, but it ain't props.

Well, you know what? Old
Eddie would have been impressed.

Yeah, well, new Eddie would
like to kick old Eddie's ass.

Yeah? I'd put my money on old Eddie,
cause new Eddie seems a little gay.

You're an idiot.

I know.


This is complicated.

[fast-paced music]

[music fades]

Oh, Edna!

Hi, Jess, you made it.

Thanks for inviting me.

- And for the backstage pass.
- Sure.

Did you come alone?

Yeah, I invited Matt, but he, uhh,
he had to go out of town for work.

- Really?
- Yeah.

OK, you're all set. You should
report to the staging area.

OK, thanks.

Edna, I have to tell you,
Matt is such a great guy.

After we got done at the shelter

he took me for
a ride on his motorcycle.

And then, after dinner,
we stopped by his boat for a nightcap.

He has a boat?

Well, actually Matt
says it's called a sloop

because it has three masts.

Damn, he's good.

Well, I wouldn't know that.

I have this rule,
no sex until the third date.

But, I will say he is a very good kisser.

OK, listen, I need to
tell you something, Jess.

What is it?

OK, how do I put this?

Just say it.

Matt is, umm...



- You're wrong.
- I spoke to his secretary.

Why are you doing this?

To protect you, Jess.

You deserve to be with someone
who really cares about you.

Not someone
who's running a scam.

I knew it! You're a lesbian!

What? No, I'm not a lesbian.

I am just a man
trapped in a woman's body.


Look, I know this is gonna
sound crazy, but the thing is...

I ran into a
homeless woman the other day.

She asked me to kiss her.

Said it would prove that I could
see the beauty in all women.

I refused. The next day
I wake up, I am no longer Eddie.

I am Edna.

And so, I need to find her.

Because all I can figure is,

you know, she's put
some kind of spell on me.

And so, once I find her

she can change me
back into being Eddie.

Come on, say something.

I don't ever
want to see you again.

- What?
- Don't call me, don't

text me, don't
just stop by and see me!

You're a sick, sick person!

Just, leave me alone.

Jess, come back!

[melancholic music]

[music continues]


[music continues]
[bottles clinking]

[music fades]

The thing is,

ever since the show I haven't
been able to control my emotions.

Like, someone cuts me
off, I bawl my eyes out.

Ketchup spills on my
shirt, I bawl my eyes out.

That's messed up.

I'd rather be a little bit emotional
than a cold, heartless bastard like you.


Oh shit.

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

I was born out of wedlock.

I mean, I know I've been
hurting over Jess, but this...

this feels like more than that.

Hey, maybe it's
your female hormones.

Yeah, maybe.

Well, hey,
look. It's still early.

What do you say we
go out, hit a club or something?

While I'm an emotional wreck?

How self-centered
can you be, Steve?

I mean... what?


You'd think we're
fucking already or something.



- Shit, I did it again.
- Uhuh.

I really have a problem.



My best friend has
turned into a really hot chick

and every night I've been
having sex dreams about him.

[laughs] Her.

See, you're not the only
one with problems here, pal.

I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Yeah, well, I'm not
too proud of that one.

[sighs] Right.

Come on, Eddie, let's
just change the subject.


Do me a favor, pass me the controls,
maybe there's a game on or something.


[TV playing]

- You know what?
- What?

- Let's do it.
- Do what?

Like, let's do it.


- Are you fucking serious?
- Yes, I'm fucking serious.

I mean, I should really take my
female equipment out on a test drive.

And who better
to lose my virginity to

- than my best friend?
- Because I can drive!

I can drive. And you are
serious. You are serious, right?

I'm as serious as
pink on a pregnancy test.

OK, that's great!

That is great. That is so sweet.

Don't be fucking with me, cause
if you're fucking with me...

Mate, I'm being serious.

I'm gonna go and freshen up.


me and you...

are gonna do the nasty.

I love the nasty.

[upbeat music]

I love the nasty.

Wait a minute. You
do have a vagina, right?

- Yes.
- Good.


For the old in and outie.

[music continues]



OK, umm...

You, like, make
yourself comfortable.

I'll be right back.

[music continues]




- [Edna screams]
- [Steve shouts]

What's wrong?

You OK?

Oh! What the fuck? What...

what, what, what did you do?

I think I'm dying!

There's so much blood, Eddie!

Call 911!


Hey. Hey, excuse me.

Thanks for the tampon.

[emergency sirens]


- Well, that was embarrassing.
- Yes.

Yes, it was.

- Umm... thanks for the...
- No problem.

No problem.



So you know that thing
that we were gonna do...

Don't worry about that.
Do not...

worry about that. I am...

I, I, I will not be having any
more of those kind of dreams.

[chuckles] Right.

Yeah. I'm, uhh...

I'm totally cured.

I get it.

Yeah, I'll tell you
what, I should get going.

Got to get back
to the office. I've got to...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I'll, uhh... I'll uhh...

I'll, I'll talk to you later.

- See you later, Steve.
- I'm good. I'll see you.

[upbeat music continues]

Oh, wait. Do I have
something on my face?

I'll see you.

[music continues]

Look, how many times do I have to tell you?
I don't do full-frontal.

What? How much does it pay?

Oh yeah. I'm in.

Call me back.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'll have
a small latte, and uhh...

let me get whatever the
young lady here would like.

No thanks.

I insist. I'm trying to live
my life by paying it forward.

OK, that's great and all,
but I'd rather just pay for my own drink.

Come on, babe.

It would really make my day.

OK, look, I know
what you're doing.

I used to be just like you.

So trust me when
I say, scamming women

to get them into bed is a shallow,
meaningless way to live.

At the end of the day

it's love that really matters.


You go, girl.

[musical flash]
I'll be damned...


you just dodged a bullet.

Chick is hiding a banana.

She's got, balls.

[fast-paced music]

[music fades]

- Wow.
- I know, right?

It's a little different
to your first two books.

Well, I mean,
I'm a little different.


- True.
- So, what do you think?

I don't know, Eddie.
I don't know, I mean...

all this stuff about intimacy

respect, romance...

I mean, come on. You really think sex is
better between two people who are in love?

Yeah. I do.


Love is the answer, pal.

Your ass is the answer, Eddie.

Edna. God, I gotta stop.

[fast-paced music continues]

[mystical sound]


You don't
respect elders, do you?

[coins clink]

Fuck off.

[music continues]

[mystical sound]

[music fades]


[yawns] Yeah.

[urine spraying]

Oh! Shit! Shit! Shit!

[laughs] Shit!

Shit! Shit! [laughs]

[laughs] Yeah!

Fuck, yes!

Yes! Phone!


Phone. Come on.


[upbeat music]

Steve! It's Eddie.

Listen to me, it's Eddie.

I'm back, man. I'm back!

Fuck yes!

[music continues]

[music fades]

[tender music]

I think Chapter Seven,
you'll really like it.

[woman] Next.

All right. Bye.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Can I just say,
you are the perfect man.

Well, that's very
kind of you, but I am...

far from perfect.

I don't know. You
understand and respect women.

Plus, you're so damn handsome.

[chuckles] That's very kind of you.
Thank you very much.

I appreciate that. I do.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.
Steve Burns, I'm his agent.

- I always introduce myself.
- Next.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Right here.

You really liked it?
That was good.

Here he is. Hey, pal.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, listen. We've
got to get going. We've got a...

dinner reservation tonight to celebrate
our six-month anniversary, actually.

- Six months already?
- Yeah.

- Wow, congrats.
- Thank you.

Are you sure you won't let me
set you up with my roommate?

Yeah... no, no...

I really think
you'd hit it off.


I appreciate the
offer, but no, thank you.

All right, if you change
your mind, let us know?

- Will do.
- OK?

- Go on.
- If you change your mind.

- If I change my mind. Have fun.
- See you, pal.

See ya.

[tender music]

[emotional music]



- Hi.
- Hi.

Wow, you look amazing.

Oh. Thanks.

So, umm...


- Read your book.
- You did?


- I really liked it.
- I'm glad.

You dedicated it to me.


Well, you know, you played
a big role in helping me change.

Yeah. About that.


you and Edna...

One and the same.


- Wow.
- Crazy, huh?


and no.

You know, I've got an idea.

Why don't we start
this thing all over?

[clears throat]


I'm Eddie Greenleaf.

- Jess White.
- Jess White?

- Uhuh.
- Wow.

So are you seeing anyone?

Uh, no.

Not since I discovered the last
guy I was dating was married.

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Yeah.

A friend tried to warn
me, but I wouldn't listen.

In fact, I was
really mean to her.

You know, I think
she forgives you.

So, how about you? Are you...

seeing anyone?


I kind of fell in love for the
first time in my life last year.

You did?


The timing, though,
it wasn't right, unfortunately.


maybe you should
give it another shot.

I was just thinking
exactly the same thing.

So, can I buy you a latte?

- I'd really like that.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Let's get out of here then.

[fast-paced music]

[upbeat music]

[crew chattering]

[crew] Mark.

- You had the book signing.
- Uhuh.

The release party.

- Sex with a homeless model... Oh fuck, a homeless model.
- [woman laughs]

[indistinct chattering]

[indistinct chattering]


I love the
homeless kind of look.

It's just, you know...

The book signing.

Sex with a homeless-
Oh for fuck's sake!

That homeless
woman's in my head.

Buddy, let me
tell you something.

I'm, I'm starving, ok.

This may be
harder than I thought.

OK, we might
have to go back to [indistinct]

[door rattling]

Knock, knock!

[music continues]

[together] This is where you
find your beaver buzzers

magic wands, pussy punchers,
hamburger helpers and wacky wobblers.

I like the butterfly.


[music continues]

- Well?
- This stuff is good.

- Not bad, right?
- Yeah, what is it?

- [pronounces] Bocelios.
- Hmm.

[crew pronounces] Dos celios.

This stuff's good. What is it?

[pronounces] Dos selios.

This stuff is good.

What is it?

[both laugh]

[music continues]

[sighs] The thing is...

Oh. For fuck's sake.

Yes, I'm fucking serious.

I mean, I really should take
my female equipment out with...

- What am I doing?
- [both laugh]

Hey, hey. Hey, excuse me.

Thanks for the cond...
Not the condom, fuck.

[all laugh]

[music continues]


Come on.



No, I'm fucking Eddie. Fuck!


[crew laugh]

Make yourself
comfortable and I'll...

be right back.


Yes! [laughs]

[music continues]

She must have put a spell on me.

That's the only
thing that makes sense.

OK. So...

we're looking for this magical

mystery kind of
homeless woman, right?

I mean, I don't
know. I guess so.


Maybe she was a witch.

- A witch.
- All right, did you see it yet?

Because the gig's up.

[crew laugh]

Can I ask you a question?


[both laugh]


I'm so sorry.


Not in.


[crew laughing]

[ending music]