The Senator Was Indiscreet (1947) - full transcript
Dim-witted blowhard, Melvin G. Ashton, is a US Senator who wants to be President. He hires Lew Gibson, a talented PR man who gets Ashton in newsreels and on the front page, never thinking he'll win. But Ashton has a secret weapon: a diary documenting every shady deal his party's made for 35 years. With the diary, he blackmails the party leaders to support his candidacy, and he's on his way to the nomination. An unseen political enemy is after the diary, using the young and lovely Valerie Shepherd to get into the Senator's room. Plus, Lew's fiancée, reporter Poppy McNaughton thinks she can get her hands on it, too, and stop Ashton. Will the otherwise unemployable dope become President?
hello
he has fine hej what room is in okay
give me personnel this one just came
Thanks ah this mr. Gibson publicity glue
Gibson your new publicity man I look
this is important
senator Mel Ashton just checked in we
want to give him the full treatment
flowers bowls of fruit courtesy cards
and get any leftover convention
delegates out of the clothes closet the
Indians are here from the rodeo good be
within a minute fellas
oh and take that television set out of
the Dukes apartment give it to the
senator right what's this guy running
for he hasn't decided yet it's for
anything big like Washington we got a
very nice special routine this year yeah
with a tribal leave like Big Chief
Hoosiers or something hej that's not a
bad idea
how about chief Red Eagle at claws the
skies nothing with red in it I know
chief honest of the day you song now
there'd be 10.000 fights over that let's
see now what about Chiefs straight talk
from the shoulder Oh
catchy I'll buy that that's it tell me
do you use a pipe of peace anywhere in
this routine are you kidding but for a
hundred bucks did you ever smoke one of
those things oh he doesn't inhale look
mr. Gibson you're getting three
full-blooded Indians and a pretty
clothes you're getting an Eagle Scout
bow and arrow and a genuine Navajo rayon
blanket and if you knew how long it took
my mother to make one of these things
okay
okay I'll remember you're Indian
one moment please
man Korean senators do my boy how are
you fine fine thanks gentlemen as boys
meet United States Senator Ashton
senator meet the big four of the
Cherokee tribe how o me Brigham greeting
us that's for the newsreels are they
here yet
oh yes out on interest
room service will wept up out on the
terrace for the capitalistic press I
presume that's me comrade yes dependents
a boat in this country after Sam
sputters take all you want
you boys better hop out on the terrace
and rehearse
oh yes yes right right out there buying
view of the city here we are
anybody need a reporter senator I want
you to meet Miss poppy McNaughton just
about the best newspaper woman in this
town
what do you mean to tell me that this
gentle beautiful child is a member of
the Fourth Estate well well well
do be seated I I'm sorry that mrs.
Ashton isn't with me to receive you but
she believes that a woman's place is in
the home
she's old-fashioned that way and saw my
old fashioned just won what oh ho ho yes
course mrs. MacDonald you know son
on second thought bring me a plain
American drink
Ryan branch water vodka take it isn't a
good enough deal no no he just likes
vodka he does this is your first term in
the Senate isn't it oh yes yes the first
of many yet to come I hope the senator
came up the long hard way the American
Way what did this new bill you've
introduced the McCoy Keith Ashton bill
ah the McCoy Keats
Ashton bill is designed for the
protection of man's most faithful
servant the letter carrier why is the
letter carrier weary at the end of the
day he's tired well yes of course but
why is he quiet because he's been
trudging the hard pavements with a load
too heavy for man to bear that is where
my bill comes here if everyone in the
country is compelled to write his
letters on tissue paper we haven't got
all day you know coming now Jerry you'd
better slip in there and get these
things on you'll excuse me now won't you
certainly
Wow great white feather father Oh looks
like feather let's start again he'll be
lucky they may give a Papoose great
white father since reading news from
Washington to his red brethren peace
oh hej the Mikey matter to send you much
rain oh good mati fine
awesome what do you mean impossible no
I'm just gonna quote him accurately
that's all but that's unfair papi you
can't go around voting politicians
accurately that's dirty journalism and
you know it
or maybe I better talk to him about it
glad to see you boss how many hard
things in Washington whose idea is there
it's nothing it's just a precedent for
the hotel
all Indians stuff with feather hats must
be cleared to the party either through
me or to the chairman himself and Ashton
knows that but I tell you the whole any
member of the party in good standing has
a perfect right to have his picture
taken eating a hotdog wearing a fez or
even fishing but big stuff like Indian
ceremonies riding in the cab of the 20th
century limited or shaking hands with a
recognized labor leader is strictly
presidential stuff and he knows that to
them now point out a Setting Sun and
sweat I could just get this there will
be a complete report of this entire
affair in Moscow by midnight
and another thing what's the idea of
telling those reporters that you're not
a candidate for the nomination because
I'm not that's why and stop denying it
no member of the party has the right to
deny that he's a candidate unless he is
a candidate an idiot child knows that
you're not fooling me Ashton not for one
minute I know what your wife's been
saying around Washington mrs. Ashton my
wife goes to the same beauty parlor
Mimi's on K Street it's all over the
joint
so mrs. Ashton is going to do over the
White House huh new chips for The Oval
room Chinese Chippendale for the East
Room and the shocking Pink's at the
spread for Lincoln's bed yet
well now Bailey Fred you can't stop a
woman from having ambitions no but we
can certainly stop you from heaven now
what about this speech for the night the
National Institute of businessmen
neither the chairman their I authorized
that either they asked me whose arm did
you twist
I'll see here Fred you've got no right
to talk to me that way I follow the
party line for 25 years who use the
expression party line once more I'll
strangle you say help me heaven let's
see that speech for the united states
senator Melvin G Ashton speaking it's
the old number five Fred about cutting
income taxes 80 percent you've heard it
a thousand times
Washington yes I'm on must be mrs.
Ashton isn't this the one you delivered
in Detroit December 61941 oh yes I
believe so
don't you think it's about time you cut
out that part for your laugh at the
possibility of war with Japan oh oh
how's everything mama
I'm an Indian now yes it it was
wonderful that you'll see it in the
pictures and I I come out and I say
how how oh it doesn't mean anything in
particular but that's just what you're
supposed to say he's an Indian aren't
you a little old to be playing jokes
steaming him up like that
man's got to look out for his future
doesn't he whose future is you don't
look for him to be elected to the Senate
again do you not unless there's more
chumps in the estate when we figured so
alright then how's he gonna eat next
year eat what does he think the White
House is a soup kitchen
what well that's what you say to end ins
he's got about as much chance of being
nominated for the presidency as Abbott
and Costello you tell him for me the
jokes over how do you know it's a joke
how do I know this whole hotels not made
of a bubble gum boss I was in the
advertising business once so believe me
if you can sell the American public the
idea that one cigarette is different
from another that one toothpaste is
better than another you can sell him
anything even Mel Aston look Gibson the
nomination this year goes to the big
Philip he wants it is that clear
he wants it anything get it if he
doesn't want it there's going to be the
dizziest rat race you ever saw but I'll
make one prediction about that race
right now Ford oh but that thought he
won't be the winning rat get me Tim
Dolan at the Gazette this young lady has
a letter of introduction or I haven't
got time I
but we'll come right in I I didn't mean
to be so oh that's all right
you remember bill fish you know it's
your little fish sir you bet I do
so he said to give you this and say
hello hello you sit right here hon in
and just make yourself comfortable and
tell me why did you know the old
paratrooper
oh we were raised together in Plainville
that's old bill all right always getting
Helen call mr. Emerson tell him we've
got a customer how's the hot bill
getting on these days did he go into
politics the way always said he would
well yeah I think he's going in business
with his father
I was always bills big beep politics
politics and politicians if ever he got
out of the army was gonna tackle that
crowd and clean him out crooks and
clowns he'd say crooks and clowns all of
them mr. Emerson says okay and ten
minutes there you are know what else oh
not another thing thank you
does tell you how much I appreciate it
you're not going away well I don't want
to take up any more of your time just
talking what about just drinking
wouldn't mind a root beer root beer
twenty-eight million nine hundred fifty
six thousand five hundred thirty four
insta blew away of the year before that
brings us down to nineteen twenty-four
or is it is it 2327 oh yes yeah yes it
is 1919 a 24 app oh no no no it's
that's 1824 adjust please please just
one moment please one moment I think I
have it
ah yes I was right 1924 it is 1944
because we have already covered 1923 and
I submit ladies and gentlemen public
office is a public trust office is a
public trust public office is a public
in conclusion if there are any questions
any questions at all I shall be glad to
answer them what's this
well this this is somewhat embarrassing
when I open this occasion to questions I
i must confess i I didn't anticipate
this one and yet whoever you are
JC I shall endeavor to answer your
question with the same candor in which
it is phrased ladies and gentlemen the
question is as follows
senator Ashton can you tell us at this
time if the nomination for president is
offered to you by the convention would
you be interested or not thank you thank
you good folks but no no this is no time
for emotionalism but rather for a
serious searching of the heart as you
all know I am a simple plain talking man
with no taste for evasion and no talent
for fancy words so I am going to be open
and aboveboard with you as I have always
been ladies and gentlemen I cannot put
this too strongly I am NOT a candidate
for the presidency
but here goes the ballgame there are
times when decisions of this court are
no longer missing a big story I hope
everybody misses that the idea coming up
that big windbag for president honey
it's my job the guy's a dog but if I can
make any kind of a showing at all with
him I'll be in line for big stuff look
if we're ever gonna get married you mean
he has to be president before we get
married those are tough turn no but be
reasonable papi the man hasn't got a
pair how do you know he has didn't you
tell me watch it with the right promises
that the right people at the right time
you could he's like the two-headed man
the senators a one-handed man mistake
sorry
don't you see honey this is my big
chance huh tissue paper letters for
pete's sake he is nine Stein that much
I'm prepared to admit no you slew all I
know is it was plenty of decent guys in
the Senate capable honest guys who are
trying to run the country right who do
you come up with but Phil McNutt well
you just watch my color from now on
that's all I want you to do but look
papi
a mistake sorry all that dope not until
I've explained the coma you're going to
listen to what I'm telling you I
excuse me ma'am is this ombre in the
last new what thank you sir
just a minute here easy partner easy you
want me to bail him man I don't think so
thank you
may we descend now at your pleasure men
well what are you doing here isn't that
senator Ashton speaking in there mm-hmm
don't tell me you're interested in
senators please for my home state oh uh
forgot want me to shoot him for you oh I
couldn't just sneak me in just for a few
minutes to hearing well sure but I never
thought I'd live to see the day someone
would want to listen to old wooden shoes
I say no and again no I will not raise
one finger to obtain this greatest gift
within the power of a grateful Republic
this brightest jewel in the diadem of
mankind but if the voice of the people
of these United States if that voice
should ring out over the line and say to
me come then I can only bow my head and
say in all humility I will
ladies and gentlemen the President of
the United States my fellow countryman
in this hour of crisis in this dark day
in history we have nothing to fear but
me
like all right all right
well but I presume you're not aware that
it's somewhere after midnight you dirty
dog you are grateful dog to kick your
own mother in the teeth my mother what
else is the party but a mother to her
sons whose stead of clothes you have
saved you from work for the past 35
years look at that well what have you
got to say for yourself I just want to
be President that's all oh you just want
to be President and what other
qualifications have you got for that
matter what other qualities I am we're
talking about you let's hear what you
have to say and get it over with
very well the other day while going
through the paper mrs. Ashton ran across
this 10 qualifications for a
presidential candidate 10 qualifications
but go on go on
remember this isn't me talking this is
an editorial writer first the candidate
should be from a key state okay so 5 ha
ha second he should have a family well
I've got a bigger family than all the
rest those Joker's put together three
fine sons and four beautiful daughters
you mean you've got seven secretaries
why not senator Arbuthnot has 36 there's
one thing you can't say about me Fred I
have never put one man or woman on the
public payroll who was not my own blood
kin or mrs. Aston's anyway uh-huh
anything else
third he should have a dog I've got a
dog I hate the hound he's bitten me four
times but I haven't Mel there are 10,000
reasons why the party wouldn't touch you
with a 10-foot Pole but I'm going to
boil them all down to one you can't win
and the party wouldn't back George
Washington's mother if the old lady
didn't have any more chance than you
that's your final word
that's official well in that case
so forget take a sleeping pill here take
one of mine if they can make me sleep
after talking to you they can make you
sleep after talking to me Fred I have
something to tell you now what would you
be interested in the fact that I keep a
diary why should I I checked it every
day now for something like 35 years well
that must make you just about the oldest
high school girl in America okay what do
you put in her to your dance with I put
everything in it everything everything
but not everything every single thing
like like Boston like Boston but not
like in detail
where is it
putting things right well that stuff
ever got out but nothing to worry about
I've got it in a safe place where mrs.
Ashton Scotty in Washington switch-on
rope-a-dope italian-designed will burn
it before daylight operator
graduates are wasting a rep placing a
reading anywhere tonight and I'm not
giving up my diary ever what do you me
Hey I just don't want to be pushed
around that's all a man sees a chance to
better himself professionally
be sure to the other pair is that sir
and films except that only a nice little
diary is like owning a nice little atom
bomb even if you never do anything with
it it's a comfort just to know it's
there
goodnight
senator Melvin G Ashton left today on a
speaking tour which is expected to take
him into 28 states from coast to coast
and from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico
senator Ashton is not the candidate for
the presidency and is understood to be
making the tour only because he likes to
dress and undress in Pullman births you
see what we've got to do is we've got to
sell you to the country we've got to
show them that you're a real human being
you understand yes I suppose most people
regard me simply as a thinking machine
well I don't know that I'd care to go
that far some of these pictures of me
are not very large are they
now really how long you gonna keep this
up
no suppose by some Daffy chance at Windy
wobble we've got in there impossible
between me and you mister dingbats
running on a treadmill but did you see
that poll yesterday how he's still
climbing has he passed crazy Alan yet
he's fourth now fourth from 15 to fourth
in three weeks that's nuts it must have
been a misprint no if I saw him in two
papers yeah then they didn't ask the
right people Mel Ashley couldn't get
elected to the Book of the Month Club no
maybe you've done a better job than you
think
forget it honey just relax I don't think
the old bird himself takes his chances
that seriously
while in Hollywood Senator Ashton had
looked closely into the question of oil
deposits and other national resources
as always the veteran statesman had
faced issues squarely in the Middle West
he had lost no opportunity to look
further into the question of crop
rotation a sports lover to his
fingertips Bell found time for a few
fast holes of golf a spot of tennis and
a brisk an Iran old best leaving him fit
as a fiddle to carry on his plucky fight
against being made a presidential
candidate but the greatest thrill of the
whole trip from Allison was saved for
the last he rode in the cab of a track
transcontinental train and drove it like
a flaperon railroad woman close to the
35 long wait is an expert in the field
of internal combustion engines he
handled the mighty mokdong locomotive
with the ease of a latter-day Casey
Jones arousing the frank admiration of
engineer
to fight if this young lady of yours
miss McNaughton keep referring to me as
senator ash can she must know better
than that
miss McNaughton is mcnutt's what about
this what about my buying her a nice
little present this afternoon something
brother costly after the way she's torn
your britches off there's an old saying
in my state if you can't beat him rival
United States Senator Melbourne Jackson
speaking right here you yeah honey pie
have you been here all this time come up
Grace's no I'm good home and back again
where are you
we're neighbors it's right here on the
same floor supposing you skip down here
and say hello to the Mahatma sure now
had a girl room service
who was that constituent female Oh
honey hello well well just exactly what
I needed
Oh senator the pride of the prairies
miss Valerie Shepard of Plainville pain
fear how do you do stand of it well well
with a sweet little flower for my old
woman when you come right over here and
sit down thank you Ohio my dear
you know you're her idol senator oh I
got that from Ripley but thank you well
now tell me what are they saying about
the clean bill these days well wrong
service Oh case you have any further
ideas I am now wearing a steel vest
don't you ever go on strike oh come now
you let's not speak lightly your labors
like to strike no not if you went right
to objective neighbor trying to strike
either remember what Jefferson said what
I'll get it
I read your speeches over the radio
Senate Ashton
ah did you indeed not one wave in
defense of poor little Yugoslavia
oh all right tell him I'll be right down
a guy from the records in my office come
on sweet me already
well no either your rougher you're
coming back aren't you yes but would you
like to wait here for me well yeah no if
I'm not bothering our next president
bothering me
My dear child how could you be anything
but a joy and a pleasure to anyone okay
give me 15 minutes nope the 15 minutes I
insist are being given to me
the first blank in my platform to get me
enjoy tops
Social Security $200 a week for every
man woman and fire in this country from
the date of birth to date of death
get closer
wonderful evening wasn't it no you know
that was only one thing I missed what's
that I kept looking for someone to start
one of those champs like a wiki at
Philadelphia we want question we want
question remember if you're not Wilkie
does chance run into money are you like
it what is it solid gold kind of fancy
for a man is that that's woman's puppy
McNaughton i stopped down one of the
shop downstairs told him what I wanted
oh no you fellas got mail all wrong he's
a little wild at times but there isn't
an ounce of harm in his whole body
there wasn't an ounce to Harlan the guy
that in part of the first English
sparrow either look out now you may be
talking about our next president you
know oh ho climbing on the bandwagon eh
it's for you mr. Houlihan's aww thank
you hello listen Lee I'd pray your state
is babe Elvin me say what are you some
kind of foreigner what is sounds like a
drum with no teeth it's me friend now oh
well huh you better come over here right
away
it's well you just better come that's
all it's about that that certain matter
we discussed fuck
great guy when was the last time you saw
it it was when I bought that Trump vomit
gold bag deceiving on what way to the
garden I put it in my briefcase the
diary was in there then I saw it what
are you gonna do call the police oh no
no no police
Oh they'd have to know what they were
looking for yeah that's the custom
anyway this is the working on private
enemy oh we we got to think of some
other way no all right then what enemies
have you got well that that opens up
quite a field you know Anna it's all so
innocent Lou I give you my word of honor
the contents of that little book are
just as innocent as the babe I'm born
but it might be that some of the items
would be open to a misunderstanding
Elleni would a newspaper be interested
interested uh-huh that's what's killing
me boy if ever a newspaper got hold of
that diary especially one of those dirty
crooked unscrupulous newspapers okay you
wait here
what you mean you know something not yet
but I'm gonna find out you just sit
tight there all right but flu yeah don't
be gone long
when you okay mama operator this is
united states senator Melvin G Ashton
speaking I want long distance Washington
DC it's really lost that book I'll break
every bone that cornballs body
tear off his legs one of the time of
these brain supplement that's a fresh
idea hello mama
this is united states senator Melvin
it's me mama mama I'm afraid I've got
some awfully bad news for you well you
know what no that was all right
but oh I I didn't forget a lime but
wait boss of equator operator give me
room service quick I mean closed
communist Neela
who is it it's me honey Lou I gotta see
it what do you want it's very important
sorry to roust you out this late well
let's have it that's all don't play dumb
let's heaven I'll see if I can't get you
off this hook I am the least idea what
you're talking about cut it out will you
this is serious look what makes you so
sure I got eye witnesses baby yeah three
of them three and it's just like
pinching anything else honey anything
that a man writes is just as much as
legal property as his door is closer his
teeth you could go to the pokey for a
thing like this what about the paper you
haven't told him yet have you but they
knew I was after but tell him you just
couldn't make it that's all I have to
think it over look you haven't got time
papi they're screaming like banshees
well if you really think I'd better
I do papi on the level I do all right
terribly sorry kid forget it tell you
the truth that give my left arm to see
that stuff in print you know how it is
my job
you've taken an awful long time where'd
you hide it under the floor hej papi
where are you okay let's go but where is
it right what his diary of course oh is
that what it is that certainly took you
long enough to spell a second what is
this you told me no you anything you
told me
oh yeah well he's not here now
maybe jumped look down on the street did
he Frank
sure
maybe you hide about 165 pounds
white hair sort of like a snake-oil
doctor he's got their mind sergeant here
he is now
where the Sam Hill have you been and
then let get up I got lost in the Grand
Central
you mean you've been out in public in
Iran these reminders on this what about
that book what have you done with it
it's gone friend stolen sometime this
evening
it's not down there Joe yeah get all the
phony on the road let's see plan a Rob
drank yeah Plan B the committee but what
are you going to do it's an alert but
only big yellow so far think we'll need
the red I don't know yet what's the red
I hope you never find out that's for
when they're coming after you with the
ropes Oh Mike the chief wants you right
away
emergency now let's get to the bottom of
this thing when did you last well what
do you want
I beg your gentleman's paw beat it beat
it we just got a completely like hell
yeah we've just got a complaint from an
elderly lady that the senator here has
been running around new in the Queen
Victoria cocktail lounge I was looking
for the elevators you're the house dick
house officer we're trying to get away
from vulgarism hej how about putting him
on it oh no no we we can't have a
politer on this they blab it all over
the town the regular police perhaps but
anything told a private eye is a sacred
trust and I'm also bothered how about
you 25.000 Kelly
muffled well but look Fred but the chief
said tell him Oh
oh all right about 35 years ago just a
minute yes Theodore this is you-know-who
we've got a little situation here and I
want you to contact certain parties and
tell him to stand by for get away better
have their bags packed ready Honest John
McCafferty in Boston Honest John Brenkus
Oh in Philadelphia Honest John
mankiewicz in Pittsburgh major Culpepper
in Richmond general Culpepper in Atlanta
Brigadier General Culpepper in New
Orleans
sorry I'm late Chief what's up well yeah
Oh wha oh this is an old friend of the
family chief miss uh Vince Addison hiya
Mel come here come here what do we want
with her well she was with me chief at
the Opera well can't you send her home
she hasn't got a home but you don't have
to worry chief honestly she doesn't
understand a thing do you honey hello
you see all right sit down and try to
keep out of it went in thank you
now then Mel who knew about this diary
well it's alright mouth you don't have
to worry about Ingrid there were only
two people in the world who knew about
my diary mrs. Ashton and Apollo who used
to be my secretary where do I get hold
of mrs. Ashton vicious actions my wife
she didn't take it you jerk head in the
eyes of the law nobody is innocent
all right all right why do you say he
used to be a secretary because i
discharged him a year ago he was
dishonest what was his name
Robert Oakes but I haven't even seen him
in six months but would you say he'd
have an interest in securing this
document it'll be difficult for you to
name a person in this country who
wouldn't have an interest in securing it
and if they get it well it's in that's
all they're trying to get a little fresh
air
dumb flatfoot I'm sorry Saturday we've
lost so many guests that way I guess I'm
getting a little chopped minded
but I tell you there's nothing personal
about it it's a literary diary a
valuable old first edition that Apple
naka wouldn't know a first edition from
a five-star sporting final are you crazy
senator Ashton's a university graduate
coming no and it'll do you no good
either
I'll tell him not to let you in 28:18
senator Ashton huh we'll try the other
room smiling Horace Miller in Denver
happy Edgar Clayton in Butte Montana
square deal Ralph Mason in San Francisco
2862 please any may other messages I'll
see well you call me right back it's
important
thanks baby thank you have you been hey
you got a passkey well that's really you
open the door
not me I'm off the case open that door
throw me off yourself remember for the
last time are are just a minute Fred
look my friend me you I need that diary
white house help me you say you're not
trying to bribe me are you don't even
say that word I simply cannot stand
bribery but if this is any interest of
good government did you say secret Silas
Travers that's no use being here mister
walks this is the house come on out of
my room ah what happened he's not look
that's what's on it he's got somebody
laughs wrong window he might jump yes no
no you can bring down the whole building
last chance mr. Oakes either come out
now we'll take the door off the hinges
oh come on now we got in power
have you really cooked your goose this
time Holmes but Brown get away did you
well your captain what is it is it in
there don't see it why did you go with
it yep you didn't sell it to anybody did
you I've never had it senator honest
what do you mean you never had what you
called that well I thought I had it at
the Garden tonight while you were
speaking it was in that same slipcover
but when I got back here and took it out
it wasn't watching what it wasn't the
diary it was a it was that book there
what book the other love sonnets from
the Portuguese that's not mine I never
heard that sort of start of my life and
you know it
Ochs I give you my word if you don't
tell me the truth
I have you hanged for this I hope I'm a
drop dead senator that isn't a gospel
truth somebody got there before me
County Tax Collector sink' Cronkite and
less Topeka Indiana who could have done
this to me but Fred I haven't a penny in
the whole world well just to open the
pot you can count on me for one I'll
stay
same here me too well say where's Ingrid
where's Eddie from now on this hotel
don't cater to you
hello Clyde things look bad here we
better not take any chances
call Mort Tommy Benson Harold and bill
tell him to give those swimming pools
back before morning no thing
tell me something about you and Bill
going to marry goodness sakes you do
think of the craziest thing what's crazy
about that bill is very solid guy one of
the smartest I ever met he was a
lieutenant colonel before he was 30 did
you know that yeah I knew he was an
officer Samara that I always thought
he'd gone to politics when he got out
Billy he was the kind of guy he was the
kind of guy
you know I think I will have another
record held to give me the reference
room please Charlie Charlie this is Luke
gifts would you look up the clips and
see what you have on a guy by the name
of Fisher William Preston Fisher thanks
yeah yeah that's him
last year he was elected to the
legislature introduced a bill to
investigate mel ashton in january he
challenged Aston's right to sit in the
Senate how could you have produced such
a child
please note the following revive a
scheduled planes for next don't leave
LaGuardia field at 95 a. m. and 10:15
p. m. planes to China leave San Francisco
daily at 1:20 p. m. planes for South
America leave Dallas at 3:30 and 1020
planes for Siberia leave Seattle at 8:15
p. m. with connections at Alaska planes
for the Cape of Good Hope leave Boston
every Tuesday at 7:15 a. m. thank you sir
any to give them
steady boss what happened well I've got
a very unpleasant duty to perform
oh look Fred oh you smell is the party I
got to think of these right now got to
pick up the party you don't want to drag
a lot of innocent people down with you
do you well there's only one way out now
Mel what do you mean you've got to
resign resign from the United States
Senate by a wire what what good would
that do
well for one thing it'll save you from
being kicked out for you you mean you
don't think the boys would whitewash
Meagan
Mel of that Diaries ever published
you'll be lucky if they don't drop you
from the top of the Washington Monument
don't you understand old man you're a
dead duck pal no matter what happens now
so for the sake of the party your party
the party has been like a mother to both
of us why don't you face it and very
quietly get the heck out
about my family and will have to resign
too I'm afraid
all right so now how am I gonna live
why off your interest of course what
interest the interest on your capital
but capture what capital you save it at
politics for 30 years Hannity capital I
have Fred now that I know that that
income tax bill meant me too
look what did you do before you went
into politics I was a public highway
safety devisor but the Sam Hill is that
I've painted those white lines down the
middle of paved roads but those roads
are all painted now Fred even if I could
bend over that far anymore well I'm
afraid that's your problem Mel not ours
well you'd better begin making it your
problem Fred you have any idea that I'm
going to resign what do you mean
I mean party and open if you think I'm
going to be dope enough to walk out of a
good job and starve well you just better
see Yutaka that's all
either you've got to figure out some way
for me to make a living and I don't mean
any dog catchers living either or we'll
all just sit and wait and see what
happens
together mr. Griffin yes anything I can
do for you look could you possibly
remember who bought this book from you
Oh as a matter of fact I remember very
well indeed it was the first time in my
45 years of the book business but the
customer insisted on a book exactly five
by eight and a half inches regardless of
contents what did he look like it was he
young lady a very pretty girl as a
matter of fact small very feminine
thank you
bottom is Shepard I'll be leaving in
about an hour would you send up for my
bags right away Monsieur
thank you Spain was getting ready to
stray and try to outsmart me must be
something you could do Mel having any
talents at all I have many talents but
not definitely age even a lawyer I am
NOT a lawyer they were looking for
somebody in the State Department last
week ah yeah yeah can you type not with
both hands could you be a babysitter
irony will get us nowhere
give us some kind of a clue Mel what can
you do be a senator maybe she took it
well soon find out stuff that stuff back
in me
hello hello what's the matter oh nothing
his Lou Gibson anywhere around just when
you do the coffee shop Thanks do you
have to leave this morning oh he has my
sister's very sick I got a wire last
night in
just how dreamy this is miss McNaughton
miss Shepard how do you do how do you do
miss Shepard say didn't I see you having
dinner with senator Ashton last night oh
he did have a bike together yes haha
then this is yours I imagine what is
this have you gone through a bag just a
minute she's leaving us chief what time
I'll look here give me that give it to
me I'll tell you what you call cop
what's going on I thought so 8:24
Branson
it says woman out of her mind I don't
know what it's all about oh I know she
gets on the train with the Senators
property she's about as pretty a setup
for a stretch in jail as I've ever seen
ever think of it that way honey could
you run an elevator not a high one but
get stopped up well I'll say this for
the senator he's got more don't know how
that any guy I've met in some time you
know there's only one thing I can take
off aside from being a senator of course
that I feel pretty well qualified to do
what's that be President she didn't mean
anything I did too I mean every word of
it
but you put my thank you taxi please
there's well I feel Valerie Shepherd
you don't forget as long as I live
something about it you can be as I won't
go to Russia no no an Americans are like
baseball the sport plus you've done it
again what kind of a sport know anything
about hockey hockey only that it's
played underwater what about basketball
no basketball very well played that in
high school for back
it's alright wash you're on the right
track anyway football football door 2882
26 ugly eight Mike I remember yeah you
really think you could arrange that I
believe so I think the duties would be
relatively simple oh never mind the duty
serve what does it pay about a hundred
and fifty thousand dollars imagine what
wouldn't fit
say that's more than the president it's
a bigger job youth of the nation hope of
the future you know yeah well I must
tell mrs. Asher about this
last chance you know come leave me alone
I tell you are you sure there isn't
something you want to ask me look will
somebody please tell me
but what's happening is you got it no
well then I have but but where
here I go again
where'd you get that key I'll reverse
that I looked at your tech your why
didn't she ask for a fact because I
scared the poor kid was good to be
arrested hej that's the guy that Center
for it
which do you think sounds better that my
health is broken down as a result of
overwork or that my mission for the
American people has at last been
accomplished just say you quit I don't
look for anybody to quibble about it
well I think the overwork sounds more
sincere United States Senator Melbourne
Ashton speaking oh yes no no that's so
over that role Gibson he's got the diary
back yes that's just it it's all very
well you fellas to celebrate but I've
just taken a 50% cut in pay theater this
is you know who again the old clear has
just sounded and you can tell the
following that they can unpack laughing
Larry schnecken burger in Kansas City
Kansas
all right now it doesn't pay as much
being president but it's more important
and remember they give you a house to
live in yes but that's quite a comedown
Fred from a hundred and fifty thousand
we down to 75 besides I sort of like
football games well you can go to
football games when you're president
army-navy every year and just sit on
both sides of the field for that one
yeah that's right - then for weekends
you've got that yacht which sails down
the Potomac or if the weather is bad
there's a projection room right at the
White House run your own pictures Lana
Turner all of them the party needs you
Mel
we can win with you now with that book
back you know I was just wondering did
they give you that seventy five thousand
right away or you have to wait till end
of the year every month regular as
clockwork
I'll take that loopy I'm going to be
President
oh come come come now son cheer up
she'll come around again in a day or so
oh sure oh I've got an idea you send it
to her
there isn't a woman in the world who can
resist a cold mesh bag send it to her
right now
by messenger and I guarantee that'll be
the end of that we are now right have a
nice to look hello take the train with
it make it sound good something like
maybe this will prove to you how sorry I
am for you no mrs. Aston in Washington
Oh
oh I just want you to know how much we
all appreciate all you've done for us
Oh believe me boy we're not going to
forget it either because from now on
you're going to be one of us Thanks this
is senator action well put her on
Oh mah well it's all settled I'm gonna
be present I know but it's the best I
can do
yes but think of the prestige mama well
you think it over and then and I'll call
you back goodbye mama
now you being smartly you know what she
sees that bag should be a pellicle women
you watch well now give me that thing
I'm gonna burn it right what what
laughter have not yet Fred I there's
some telephone numbers in happen to copy
down first
don't worry about anymore I wanna see so
long boys are you going to I just
thought I'd delivered to her myself
that's the stuff son good luck people
thanks Mel fine lad all right boys
once what in the cabinet
if the biggest noise is deep hot dog
yeah
you aren't sorry are you my only regret
is that I have got one job to lay down
for my country
accountant
Manso cutter boy with own scooter for
life messenger work
important there are no extradition
treaties between the United States in
the following countries Greenland
Ottoman girlier and little America
goodbye darling be sure to write to me
your address just general delivery to
little America to lowers to Outer
Mongolia
I can't tell you how sorry I am to have
to ask you to move again but this one is
really up Dilek nobody knows what's what
happened when this one goes off but
anyway would you be good enough sir to
tell your people that we have picked out
another nice island for them only 300
miles away
saya punya my or wrong maiiu mercado's
Sonia Srimati ito atom bomb
watching
I'm sorry mama
and they say it's quite an attractive
little island mama plenty of grapefruit
coconuts and a lovely little white house
for us
a little white house isn't exactly what
you promised me darling
but still
he has fine hej what room is in okay
give me personnel this one just came
Thanks ah this mr. Gibson publicity glue
Gibson your new publicity man I look
this is important
senator Mel Ashton just checked in we
want to give him the full treatment
flowers bowls of fruit courtesy cards
and get any leftover convention
delegates out of the clothes closet the
Indians are here from the rodeo good be
within a minute fellas
oh and take that television set out of
the Dukes apartment give it to the
senator right what's this guy running
for he hasn't decided yet it's for
anything big like Washington we got a
very nice special routine this year yeah
with a tribal leave like Big Chief
Hoosiers or something hej that's not a
bad idea
how about chief Red Eagle at claws the
skies nothing with red in it I know
chief honest of the day you song now
there'd be 10.000 fights over that let's
see now what about Chiefs straight talk
from the shoulder Oh
catchy I'll buy that that's it tell me
do you use a pipe of peace anywhere in
this routine are you kidding but for a
hundred bucks did you ever smoke one of
those things oh he doesn't inhale look
mr. Gibson you're getting three
full-blooded Indians and a pretty
clothes you're getting an Eagle Scout
bow and arrow and a genuine Navajo rayon
blanket and if you knew how long it took
my mother to make one of these things
okay
okay I'll remember you're Indian
one moment please
man Korean senators do my boy how are
you fine fine thanks gentlemen as boys
meet United States Senator Ashton
senator meet the big four of the
Cherokee tribe how o me Brigham greeting
us that's for the newsreels are they
here yet
oh yes out on interest
room service will wept up out on the
terrace for the capitalistic press I
presume that's me comrade yes dependents
a boat in this country after Sam
sputters take all you want
you boys better hop out on the terrace
and rehearse
oh yes yes right right out there buying
view of the city here we are
anybody need a reporter senator I want
you to meet Miss poppy McNaughton just
about the best newspaper woman in this
town
what do you mean to tell me that this
gentle beautiful child is a member of
the Fourth Estate well well well
do be seated I I'm sorry that mrs.
Ashton isn't with me to receive you but
she believes that a woman's place is in
the home
she's old-fashioned that way and saw my
old fashioned just won what oh ho ho yes
course mrs. MacDonald you know son
on second thought bring me a plain
American drink
Ryan branch water vodka take it isn't a
good enough deal no no he just likes
vodka he does this is your first term in
the Senate isn't it oh yes yes the first
of many yet to come I hope the senator
came up the long hard way the American
Way what did this new bill you've
introduced the McCoy Keith Ashton bill
ah the McCoy Keats
Ashton bill is designed for the
protection of man's most faithful
servant the letter carrier why is the
letter carrier weary at the end of the
day he's tired well yes of course but
why is he quiet because he's been
trudging the hard pavements with a load
too heavy for man to bear that is where
my bill comes here if everyone in the
country is compelled to write his
letters on tissue paper we haven't got
all day you know coming now Jerry you'd
better slip in there and get these
things on you'll excuse me now won't you
certainly
Wow great white feather father Oh looks
like feather let's start again he'll be
lucky they may give a Papoose great
white father since reading news from
Washington to his red brethren peace
oh hej the Mikey matter to send you much
rain oh good mati fine
awesome what do you mean impossible no
I'm just gonna quote him accurately
that's all but that's unfair papi you
can't go around voting politicians
accurately that's dirty journalism and
you know it
or maybe I better talk to him about it
glad to see you boss how many hard
things in Washington whose idea is there
it's nothing it's just a precedent for
the hotel
all Indians stuff with feather hats must
be cleared to the party either through
me or to the chairman himself and Ashton
knows that but I tell you the whole any
member of the party in good standing has
a perfect right to have his picture
taken eating a hotdog wearing a fez or
even fishing but big stuff like Indian
ceremonies riding in the cab of the 20th
century limited or shaking hands with a
recognized labor leader is strictly
presidential stuff and he knows that to
them now point out a Setting Sun and
sweat I could just get this there will
be a complete report of this entire
affair in Moscow by midnight
and another thing what's the idea of
telling those reporters that you're not
a candidate for the nomination because
I'm not that's why and stop denying it
no member of the party has the right to
deny that he's a candidate unless he is
a candidate an idiot child knows that
you're not fooling me Ashton not for one
minute I know what your wife's been
saying around Washington mrs. Ashton my
wife goes to the same beauty parlor
Mimi's on K Street it's all over the
joint
so mrs. Ashton is going to do over the
White House huh new chips for The Oval
room Chinese Chippendale for the East
Room and the shocking Pink's at the
spread for Lincoln's bed yet
well now Bailey Fred you can't stop a
woman from having ambitions no but we
can certainly stop you from heaven now
what about this speech for the night the
National Institute of businessmen
neither the chairman their I authorized
that either they asked me whose arm did
you twist
I'll see here Fred you've got no right
to talk to me that way I follow the
party line for 25 years who use the
expression party line once more I'll
strangle you say help me heaven let's
see that speech for the united states
senator Melvin G Ashton speaking it's
the old number five Fred about cutting
income taxes 80 percent you've heard it
a thousand times
Washington yes I'm on must be mrs.
Ashton isn't this the one you delivered
in Detroit December 61941 oh yes I
believe so
don't you think it's about time you cut
out that part for your laugh at the
possibility of war with Japan oh oh
how's everything mama
I'm an Indian now yes it it was
wonderful that you'll see it in the
pictures and I I come out and I say
how how oh it doesn't mean anything in
particular but that's just what you're
supposed to say he's an Indian aren't
you a little old to be playing jokes
steaming him up like that
man's got to look out for his future
doesn't he whose future is you don't
look for him to be elected to the Senate
again do you not unless there's more
chumps in the estate when we figured so
alright then how's he gonna eat next
year eat what does he think the White
House is a soup kitchen
what well that's what you say to end ins
he's got about as much chance of being
nominated for the presidency as Abbott
and Costello you tell him for me the
jokes over how do you know it's a joke
how do I know this whole hotels not made
of a bubble gum boss I was in the
advertising business once so believe me
if you can sell the American public the
idea that one cigarette is different
from another that one toothpaste is
better than another you can sell him
anything even Mel Aston look Gibson the
nomination this year goes to the big
Philip he wants it is that clear
he wants it anything get it if he
doesn't want it there's going to be the
dizziest rat race you ever saw but I'll
make one prediction about that race
right now Ford oh but that thought he
won't be the winning rat get me Tim
Dolan at the Gazette this young lady has
a letter of introduction or I haven't
got time I
but we'll come right in I I didn't mean
to be so oh that's all right
you remember bill fish you know it's
your little fish sir you bet I do
so he said to give you this and say
hello hello you sit right here hon in
and just make yourself comfortable and
tell me why did you know the old
paratrooper
oh we were raised together in Plainville
that's old bill all right always getting
Helen call mr. Emerson tell him we've
got a customer how's the hot bill
getting on these days did he go into
politics the way always said he would
well yeah I think he's going in business
with his father
I was always bills big beep politics
politics and politicians if ever he got
out of the army was gonna tackle that
crowd and clean him out crooks and
clowns he'd say crooks and clowns all of
them mr. Emerson says okay and ten
minutes there you are know what else oh
not another thing thank you
does tell you how much I appreciate it
you're not going away well I don't want
to take up any more of your time just
talking what about just drinking
wouldn't mind a root beer root beer
twenty-eight million nine hundred fifty
six thousand five hundred thirty four
insta blew away of the year before that
brings us down to nineteen twenty-four
or is it is it 2327 oh yes yeah yes it
is 1919 a 24 app oh no no no it's
that's 1824 adjust please please just
one moment please one moment I think I
have it
ah yes I was right 1924 it is 1944
because we have already covered 1923 and
I submit ladies and gentlemen public
office is a public trust office is a
public trust public office is a public
in conclusion if there are any questions
any questions at all I shall be glad to
answer them what's this
well this this is somewhat embarrassing
when I open this occasion to questions I
i must confess i I didn't anticipate
this one and yet whoever you are
JC I shall endeavor to answer your
question with the same candor in which
it is phrased ladies and gentlemen the
question is as follows
senator Ashton can you tell us at this
time if the nomination for president is
offered to you by the convention would
you be interested or not thank you thank
you good folks but no no this is no time
for emotionalism but rather for a
serious searching of the heart as you
all know I am a simple plain talking man
with no taste for evasion and no talent
for fancy words so I am going to be open
and aboveboard with you as I have always
been ladies and gentlemen I cannot put
this too strongly I am NOT a candidate
for the presidency
but here goes the ballgame there are
times when decisions of this court are
no longer missing a big story I hope
everybody misses that the idea coming up
that big windbag for president honey
it's my job the guy's a dog but if I can
make any kind of a showing at all with
him I'll be in line for big stuff look
if we're ever gonna get married you mean
he has to be president before we get
married those are tough turn no but be
reasonable papi the man hasn't got a
pair how do you know he has didn't you
tell me watch it with the right promises
that the right people at the right time
you could he's like the two-headed man
the senators a one-handed man mistake
sorry
don't you see honey this is my big
chance huh tissue paper letters for
pete's sake he is nine Stein that much
I'm prepared to admit no you slew all I
know is it was plenty of decent guys in
the Senate capable honest guys who are
trying to run the country right who do
you come up with but Phil McNutt well
you just watch my color from now on
that's all I want you to do but look
papi
a mistake sorry all that dope not until
I've explained the coma you're going to
listen to what I'm telling you I
excuse me ma'am is this ombre in the
last new what thank you sir
just a minute here easy partner easy you
want me to bail him man I don't think so
thank you
may we descend now at your pleasure men
well what are you doing here isn't that
senator Ashton speaking in there mm-hmm
don't tell me you're interested in
senators please for my home state oh uh
forgot want me to shoot him for you oh I
couldn't just sneak me in just for a few
minutes to hearing well sure but I never
thought I'd live to see the day someone
would want to listen to old wooden shoes
I say no and again no I will not raise
one finger to obtain this greatest gift
within the power of a grateful Republic
this brightest jewel in the diadem of
mankind but if the voice of the people
of these United States if that voice
should ring out over the line and say to
me come then I can only bow my head and
say in all humility I will
ladies and gentlemen the President of
the United States my fellow countryman
in this hour of crisis in this dark day
in history we have nothing to fear but
me
like all right all right
well but I presume you're not aware that
it's somewhere after midnight you dirty
dog you are grateful dog to kick your
own mother in the teeth my mother what
else is the party but a mother to her
sons whose stead of clothes you have
saved you from work for the past 35
years look at that well what have you
got to say for yourself I just want to
be President that's all oh you just want
to be President and what other
qualifications have you got for that
matter what other qualities I am we're
talking about you let's hear what you
have to say and get it over with
very well the other day while going
through the paper mrs. Ashton ran across
this 10 qualifications for a
presidential candidate 10 qualifications
but go on go on
remember this isn't me talking this is
an editorial writer first the candidate
should be from a key state okay so 5 ha
ha second he should have a family well
I've got a bigger family than all the
rest those Joker's put together three
fine sons and four beautiful daughters
you mean you've got seven secretaries
why not senator Arbuthnot has 36 there's
one thing you can't say about me Fred I
have never put one man or woman on the
public payroll who was not my own blood
kin or mrs. Aston's anyway uh-huh
anything else
third he should have a dog I've got a
dog I hate the hound he's bitten me four
times but I haven't Mel there are 10,000
reasons why the party wouldn't touch you
with a 10-foot Pole but I'm going to
boil them all down to one you can't win
and the party wouldn't back George
Washington's mother if the old lady
didn't have any more chance than you
that's your final word
that's official well in that case
so forget take a sleeping pill here take
one of mine if they can make me sleep
after talking to you they can make you
sleep after talking to me Fred I have
something to tell you now what would you
be interested in the fact that I keep a
diary why should I I checked it every
day now for something like 35 years well
that must make you just about the oldest
high school girl in America okay what do
you put in her to your dance with I put
everything in it everything everything
but not everything every single thing
like like Boston like Boston but not
like in detail
where is it
putting things right well that stuff
ever got out but nothing to worry about
I've got it in a safe place where mrs.
Ashton Scotty in Washington switch-on
rope-a-dope italian-designed will burn
it before daylight operator
graduates are wasting a rep placing a
reading anywhere tonight and I'm not
giving up my diary ever what do you me
Hey I just don't want to be pushed
around that's all a man sees a chance to
better himself professionally
be sure to the other pair is that sir
and films except that only a nice little
diary is like owning a nice little atom
bomb even if you never do anything with
it it's a comfort just to know it's
there
goodnight
senator Melvin G Ashton left today on a
speaking tour which is expected to take
him into 28 states from coast to coast
and from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico
senator Ashton is not the candidate for
the presidency and is understood to be
making the tour only because he likes to
dress and undress in Pullman births you
see what we've got to do is we've got to
sell you to the country we've got to
show them that you're a real human being
you understand yes I suppose most people
regard me simply as a thinking machine
well I don't know that I'd care to go
that far some of these pictures of me
are not very large are they
now really how long you gonna keep this
up
no suppose by some Daffy chance at Windy
wobble we've got in there impossible
between me and you mister dingbats
running on a treadmill but did you see
that poll yesterday how he's still
climbing has he passed crazy Alan yet
he's fourth now fourth from 15 to fourth
in three weeks that's nuts it must have
been a misprint no if I saw him in two
papers yeah then they didn't ask the
right people Mel Ashley couldn't get
elected to the Book of the Month Club no
maybe you've done a better job than you
think
forget it honey just relax I don't think
the old bird himself takes his chances
that seriously
while in Hollywood Senator Ashton had
looked closely into the question of oil
deposits and other national resources
as always the veteran statesman had
faced issues squarely in the Middle West
he had lost no opportunity to look
further into the question of crop
rotation a sports lover to his
fingertips Bell found time for a few
fast holes of golf a spot of tennis and
a brisk an Iran old best leaving him fit
as a fiddle to carry on his plucky fight
against being made a presidential
candidate but the greatest thrill of the
whole trip from Allison was saved for
the last he rode in the cab of a track
transcontinental train and drove it like
a flaperon railroad woman close to the
35 long wait is an expert in the field
of internal combustion engines he
handled the mighty mokdong locomotive
with the ease of a latter-day Casey
Jones arousing the frank admiration of
engineer
to fight if this young lady of yours
miss McNaughton keep referring to me as
senator ash can she must know better
than that
miss McNaughton is mcnutt's what about
this what about my buying her a nice
little present this afternoon something
brother costly after the way she's torn
your britches off there's an old saying
in my state if you can't beat him rival
United States Senator Melbourne Jackson
speaking right here you yeah honey pie
have you been here all this time come up
Grace's no I'm good home and back again
where are you
we're neighbors it's right here on the
same floor supposing you skip down here
and say hello to the Mahatma sure now
had a girl room service
who was that constituent female Oh
honey hello well well just exactly what
I needed
Oh senator the pride of the prairies
miss Valerie Shepard of Plainville pain
fear how do you do stand of it well well
with a sweet little flower for my old
woman when you come right over here and
sit down thank you Ohio my dear
you know you're her idol senator oh I
got that from Ripley but thank you well
now tell me what are they saying about
the clean bill these days well wrong
service Oh case you have any further
ideas I am now wearing a steel vest
don't you ever go on strike oh come now
you let's not speak lightly your labors
like to strike no not if you went right
to objective neighbor trying to strike
either remember what Jefferson said what
I'll get it
I read your speeches over the radio
Senate Ashton
ah did you indeed not one wave in
defense of poor little Yugoslavia
oh all right tell him I'll be right down
a guy from the records in my office come
on sweet me already
well no either your rougher you're
coming back aren't you yes but would you
like to wait here for me well yeah no if
I'm not bothering our next president
bothering me
My dear child how could you be anything
but a joy and a pleasure to anyone okay
give me 15 minutes nope the 15 minutes I
insist are being given to me
the first blank in my platform to get me
enjoy tops
Social Security $200 a week for every
man woman and fire in this country from
the date of birth to date of death
get closer
wonderful evening wasn't it no you know
that was only one thing I missed what's
that I kept looking for someone to start
one of those champs like a wiki at
Philadelphia we want question we want
question remember if you're not Wilkie
does chance run into money are you like
it what is it solid gold kind of fancy
for a man is that that's woman's puppy
McNaughton i stopped down one of the
shop downstairs told him what I wanted
oh no you fellas got mail all wrong he's
a little wild at times but there isn't
an ounce of harm in his whole body
there wasn't an ounce to Harlan the guy
that in part of the first English
sparrow either look out now you may be
talking about our next president you
know oh ho climbing on the bandwagon eh
it's for you mr. Houlihan's aww thank
you hello listen Lee I'd pray your state
is babe Elvin me say what are you some
kind of foreigner what is sounds like a
drum with no teeth it's me friend now oh
well huh you better come over here right
away
it's well you just better come that's
all it's about that that certain matter
we discussed fuck
great guy when was the last time you saw
it it was when I bought that Trump vomit
gold bag deceiving on what way to the
garden I put it in my briefcase the
diary was in there then I saw it what
are you gonna do call the police oh no
no no police
Oh they'd have to know what they were
looking for yeah that's the custom
anyway this is the working on private
enemy oh we we got to think of some
other way no all right then what enemies
have you got well that that opens up
quite a field you know Anna it's all so
innocent Lou I give you my word of honor
the contents of that little book are
just as innocent as the babe I'm born
but it might be that some of the items
would be open to a misunderstanding
Elleni would a newspaper be interested
interested uh-huh that's what's killing
me boy if ever a newspaper got hold of
that diary especially one of those dirty
crooked unscrupulous newspapers okay you
wait here
what you mean you know something not yet
but I'm gonna find out you just sit
tight there all right but flu yeah don't
be gone long
when you okay mama operator this is
united states senator Melvin G Ashton
speaking I want long distance Washington
DC it's really lost that book I'll break
every bone that cornballs body
tear off his legs one of the time of
these brain supplement that's a fresh
idea hello mama
this is united states senator Melvin
it's me mama mama I'm afraid I've got
some awfully bad news for you well you
know what no that was all right
but oh I I didn't forget a lime but
wait boss of equator operator give me
room service quick I mean closed
communist Neela
who is it it's me honey Lou I gotta see
it what do you want it's very important
sorry to roust you out this late well
let's have it that's all don't play dumb
let's heaven I'll see if I can't get you
off this hook I am the least idea what
you're talking about cut it out will you
this is serious look what makes you so
sure I got eye witnesses baby yeah three
of them three and it's just like
pinching anything else honey anything
that a man writes is just as much as
legal property as his door is closer his
teeth you could go to the pokey for a
thing like this what about the paper you
haven't told him yet have you but they
knew I was after but tell him you just
couldn't make it that's all I have to
think it over look you haven't got time
papi they're screaming like banshees
well if you really think I'd better
I do papi on the level I do all right
terribly sorry kid forget it tell you
the truth that give my left arm to see
that stuff in print you know how it is
my job
you've taken an awful long time where'd
you hide it under the floor hej papi
where are you okay let's go but where is
it right what his diary of course oh is
that what it is that certainly took you
long enough to spell a second what is
this you told me no you anything you
told me
oh yeah well he's not here now
maybe jumped look down on the street did
he Frank
sure
maybe you hide about 165 pounds
white hair sort of like a snake-oil
doctor he's got their mind sergeant here
he is now
where the Sam Hill have you been and
then let get up I got lost in the Grand
Central
you mean you've been out in public in
Iran these reminders on this what about
that book what have you done with it
it's gone friend stolen sometime this
evening
it's not down there Joe yeah get all the
phony on the road let's see plan a Rob
drank yeah Plan B the committee but what
are you going to do it's an alert but
only big yellow so far think we'll need
the red I don't know yet what's the red
I hope you never find out that's for
when they're coming after you with the
ropes Oh Mike the chief wants you right
away
emergency now let's get to the bottom of
this thing when did you last well what
do you want
I beg your gentleman's paw beat it beat
it we just got a completely like hell
yeah we've just got a complaint from an
elderly lady that the senator here has
been running around new in the Queen
Victoria cocktail lounge I was looking
for the elevators you're the house dick
house officer we're trying to get away
from vulgarism hej how about putting him
on it oh no no we we can't have a
politer on this they blab it all over
the town the regular police perhaps but
anything told a private eye is a sacred
trust and I'm also bothered how about
you 25.000 Kelly
muffled well but look Fred but the chief
said tell him Oh
oh all right about 35 years ago just a
minute yes Theodore this is you-know-who
we've got a little situation here and I
want you to contact certain parties and
tell him to stand by for get away better
have their bags packed ready Honest John
McCafferty in Boston Honest John Brenkus
Oh in Philadelphia Honest John
mankiewicz in Pittsburgh major Culpepper
in Richmond general Culpepper in Atlanta
Brigadier General Culpepper in New
Orleans
sorry I'm late Chief what's up well yeah
Oh wha oh this is an old friend of the
family chief miss uh Vince Addison hiya
Mel come here come here what do we want
with her well she was with me chief at
the Opera well can't you send her home
she hasn't got a home but you don't have
to worry chief honestly she doesn't
understand a thing do you honey hello
you see all right sit down and try to
keep out of it went in thank you
now then Mel who knew about this diary
well it's alright mouth you don't have
to worry about Ingrid there were only
two people in the world who knew about
my diary mrs. Ashton and Apollo who used
to be my secretary where do I get hold
of mrs. Ashton vicious actions my wife
she didn't take it you jerk head in the
eyes of the law nobody is innocent
all right all right why do you say he
used to be a secretary because i
discharged him a year ago he was
dishonest what was his name
Robert Oakes but I haven't even seen him
in six months but would you say he'd
have an interest in securing this
document it'll be difficult for you to
name a person in this country who
wouldn't have an interest in securing it
and if they get it well it's in that's
all they're trying to get a little fresh
air
dumb flatfoot I'm sorry Saturday we've
lost so many guests that way I guess I'm
getting a little chopped minded
but I tell you there's nothing personal
about it it's a literary diary a
valuable old first edition that Apple
naka wouldn't know a first edition from
a five-star sporting final are you crazy
senator Ashton's a university graduate
coming no and it'll do you no good
either
I'll tell him not to let you in 28:18
senator Ashton huh we'll try the other
room smiling Horace Miller in Denver
happy Edgar Clayton in Butte Montana
square deal Ralph Mason in San Francisco
2862 please any may other messages I'll
see well you call me right back it's
important
thanks baby thank you have you been hey
you got a passkey well that's really you
open the door
not me I'm off the case open that door
throw me off yourself remember for the
last time are are just a minute Fred
look my friend me you I need that diary
white house help me you say you're not
trying to bribe me are you don't even
say that word I simply cannot stand
bribery but if this is any interest of
good government did you say secret Silas
Travers that's no use being here mister
walks this is the house come on out of
my room ah what happened he's not look
that's what's on it he's got somebody
laughs wrong window he might jump yes no
no you can bring down the whole building
last chance mr. Oakes either come out
now we'll take the door off the hinges
oh come on now we got in power
have you really cooked your goose this
time Holmes but Brown get away did you
well your captain what is it is it in
there don't see it why did you go with
it yep you didn't sell it to anybody did
you I've never had it senator honest
what do you mean you never had what you
called that well I thought I had it at
the Garden tonight while you were
speaking it was in that same slipcover
but when I got back here and took it out
it wasn't watching what it wasn't the
diary it was a it was that book there
what book the other love sonnets from
the Portuguese that's not mine I never
heard that sort of start of my life and
you know it
Ochs I give you my word if you don't
tell me the truth
I have you hanged for this I hope I'm a
drop dead senator that isn't a gospel
truth somebody got there before me
County Tax Collector sink' Cronkite and
less Topeka Indiana who could have done
this to me but Fred I haven't a penny in
the whole world well just to open the
pot you can count on me for one I'll
stay
same here me too well say where's Ingrid
where's Eddie from now on this hotel
don't cater to you
hello Clyde things look bad here we
better not take any chances
call Mort Tommy Benson Harold and bill
tell him to give those swimming pools
back before morning no thing
tell me something about you and Bill
going to marry goodness sakes you do
think of the craziest thing what's crazy
about that bill is very solid guy one of
the smartest I ever met he was a
lieutenant colonel before he was 30 did
you know that yeah I knew he was an
officer Samara that I always thought
he'd gone to politics when he got out
Billy he was the kind of guy he was the
kind of guy
you know I think I will have another
record held to give me the reference
room please Charlie Charlie this is Luke
gifts would you look up the clips and
see what you have on a guy by the name
of Fisher William Preston Fisher thanks
yeah yeah that's him
last year he was elected to the
legislature introduced a bill to
investigate mel ashton in january he
challenged Aston's right to sit in the
Senate how could you have produced such
a child
please note the following revive a
scheduled planes for next don't leave
LaGuardia field at 95 a. m. and 10:15
p. m. planes to China leave San Francisco
daily at 1:20 p. m. planes for South
America leave Dallas at 3:30 and 1020
planes for Siberia leave Seattle at 8:15
p. m. with connections at Alaska planes
for the Cape of Good Hope leave Boston
every Tuesday at 7:15 a. m. thank you sir
any to give them
steady boss what happened well I've got
a very unpleasant duty to perform
oh look Fred oh you smell is the party I
got to think of these right now got to
pick up the party you don't want to drag
a lot of innocent people down with you
do you well there's only one way out now
Mel what do you mean you've got to
resign resign from the United States
Senate by a wire what what good would
that do
well for one thing it'll save you from
being kicked out for you you mean you
don't think the boys would whitewash
Meagan
Mel of that Diaries ever published
you'll be lucky if they don't drop you
from the top of the Washington Monument
don't you understand old man you're a
dead duck pal no matter what happens now
so for the sake of the party your party
the party has been like a mother to both
of us why don't you face it and very
quietly get the heck out
about my family and will have to resign
too I'm afraid
all right so now how am I gonna live
why off your interest of course what
interest the interest on your capital
but capture what capital you save it at
politics for 30 years Hannity capital I
have Fred now that I know that that
income tax bill meant me too
look what did you do before you went
into politics I was a public highway
safety devisor but the Sam Hill is that
I've painted those white lines down the
middle of paved roads but those roads
are all painted now Fred even if I could
bend over that far anymore well I'm
afraid that's your problem Mel not ours
well you'd better begin making it your
problem Fred you have any idea that I'm
going to resign what do you mean
I mean party and open if you think I'm
going to be dope enough to walk out of a
good job and starve well you just better
see Yutaka that's all
either you've got to figure out some way
for me to make a living and I don't mean
any dog catchers living either or we'll
all just sit and wait and see what
happens
together mr. Griffin yes anything I can
do for you look could you possibly
remember who bought this book from you
Oh as a matter of fact I remember very
well indeed it was the first time in my
45 years of the book business but the
customer insisted on a book exactly five
by eight and a half inches regardless of
contents what did he look like it was he
young lady a very pretty girl as a
matter of fact small very feminine
thank you
bottom is Shepard I'll be leaving in
about an hour would you send up for my
bags right away Monsieur
thank you Spain was getting ready to
stray and try to outsmart me must be
something you could do Mel having any
talents at all I have many talents but
not definitely age even a lawyer I am
NOT a lawyer they were looking for
somebody in the State Department last
week ah yeah yeah can you type not with
both hands could you be a babysitter
irony will get us nowhere
give us some kind of a clue Mel what can
you do be a senator maybe she took it
well soon find out stuff that stuff back
in me
hello hello what's the matter oh nothing
his Lou Gibson anywhere around just when
you do the coffee shop Thanks do you
have to leave this morning oh he has my
sister's very sick I got a wire last
night in
just how dreamy this is miss McNaughton
miss Shepard how do you do how do you do
miss Shepard say didn't I see you having
dinner with senator Ashton last night oh
he did have a bike together yes haha
then this is yours I imagine what is
this have you gone through a bag just a
minute she's leaving us chief what time
I'll look here give me that give it to
me I'll tell you what you call cop
what's going on I thought so 8:24
Branson
it says woman out of her mind I don't
know what it's all about oh I know she
gets on the train with the Senators
property she's about as pretty a setup
for a stretch in jail as I've ever seen
ever think of it that way honey could
you run an elevator not a high one but
get stopped up well I'll say this for
the senator he's got more don't know how
that any guy I've met in some time you
know there's only one thing I can take
off aside from being a senator of course
that I feel pretty well qualified to do
what's that be President she didn't mean
anything I did too I mean every word of
it
but you put my thank you taxi please
there's well I feel Valerie Shepherd
you don't forget as long as I live
something about it you can be as I won't
go to Russia no no an Americans are like
baseball the sport plus you've done it
again what kind of a sport know anything
about hockey hockey only that it's
played underwater what about basketball
no basketball very well played that in
high school for back
it's alright wash you're on the right
track anyway football football door 2882
26 ugly eight Mike I remember yeah you
really think you could arrange that I
believe so I think the duties would be
relatively simple oh never mind the duty
serve what does it pay about a hundred
and fifty thousand dollars imagine what
wouldn't fit
say that's more than the president it's
a bigger job youth of the nation hope of
the future you know yeah well I must
tell mrs. Asher about this
last chance you know come leave me alone
I tell you are you sure there isn't
something you want to ask me look will
somebody please tell me
but what's happening is you got it no
well then I have but but where
here I go again
where'd you get that key I'll reverse
that I looked at your tech your why
didn't she ask for a fact because I
scared the poor kid was good to be
arrested hej that's the guy that Center
for it
which do you think sounds better that my
health is broken down as a result of
overwork or that my mission for the
American people has at last been
accomplished just say you quit I don't
look for anybody to quibble about it
well I think the overwork sounds more
sincere United States Senator Melbourne
Ashton speaking oh yes no no that's so
over that role Gibson he's got the diary
back yes that's just it it's all very
well you fellas to celebrate but I've
just taken a 50% cut in pay theater this
is you know who again the old clear has
just sounded and you can tell the
following that they can unpack laughing
Larry schnecken burger in Kansas City
Kansas
all right now it doesn't pay as much
being president but it's more important
and remember they give you a house to
live in yes but that's quite a comedown
Fred from a hundred and fifty thousand
we down to 75 besides I sort of like
football games well you can go to
football games when you're president
army-navy every year and just sit on
both sides of the field for that one
yeah that's right - then for weekends
you've got that yacht which sails down
the Potomac or if the weather is bad
there's a projection room right at the
White House run your own pictures Lana
Turner all of them the party needs you
Mel
we can win with you now with that book
back you know I was just wondering did
they give you that seventy five thousand
right away or you have to wait till end
of the year every month regular as
clockwork
I'll take that loopy I'm going to be
President
oh come come come now son cheer up
she'll come around again in a day or so
oh sure oh I've got an idea you send it
to her
there isn't a woman in the world who can
resist a cold mesh bag send it to her
right now
by messenger and I guarantee that'll be
the end of that we are now right have a
nice to look hello take the train with
it make it sound good something like
maybe this will prove to you how sorry I
am for you no mrs. Aston in Washington
Oh
oh I just want you to know how much we
all appreciate all you've done for us
Oh believe me boy we're not going to
forget it either because from now on
you're going to be one of us Thanks this
is senator action well put her on
Oh mah well it's all settled I'm gonna
be present I know but it's the best I
can do
yes but think of the prestige mama well
you think it over and then and I'll call
you back goodbye mama
now you being smartly you know what she
sees that bag should be a pellicle women
you watch well now give me that thing
I'm gonna burn it right what what
laughter have not yet Fred I there's
some telephone numbers in happen to copy
down first
don't worry about anymore I wanna see so
long boys are you going to I just
thought I'd delivered to her myself
that's the stuff son good luck people
thanks Mel fine lad all right boys
once what in the cabinet
if the biggest noise is deep hot dog
yeah
you aren't sorry are you my only regret
is that I have got one job to lay down
for my country
accountant
Manso cutter boy with own scooter for
life messenger work
important there are no extradition
treaties between the United States in
the following countries Greenland
Ottoman girlier and little America
goodbye darling be sure to write to me
your address just general delivery to
little America to lowers to Outer
Mongolia
I can't tell you how sorry I am to have
to ask you to move again but this one is
really up Dilek nobody knows what's what
happened when this one goes off but
anyway would you be good enough sir to
tell your people that we have picked out
another nice island for them only 300
miles away
saya punya my or wrong maiiu mercado's
Sonia Srimati ito atom bomb
watching
I'm sorry mama
and they say it's quite an attractive
little island mama plenty of grapefruit
coconuts and a lovely little white house
for us
a little white house isn't exactly what
you promised me darling
but still