The Sea Change (1998) - full transcript

Uptight over-worked banker barely finds time for a life, much less his pregnant girlfriend, who hasn't bothered to tell him the news. However, everything changes when he suddenly finds he has to share a room with a very relaxed working stiff when their plane is delayed in Barcelona for a return trip.


Rupert, you can't swim.

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell am I doing?

Who would have thought in 24 hours my life could

have changed so dramatically.

I had everything a man could desire -

that was until Cupid pulled the plug on me.


And gentlemen I'm sure you'll agree with me that

it has been a worthwhile exercise to examine our

trading position over the last 25 years.

And so to conclude...

[whispers]: Thank god for that.

I'd nearly given up the will to live.

It gives me the greatest of pleasure to announce

this year's annual bonus award.

It goes to Rupert Granger Esq.

Well done, well done.


Thank you sir.

Now perhaps Granger, you wouldn't mind saying a few

words to the troops; you know the sort of thing.

Slap a few backs, eh.

[clearing throat, coughing] ...out of the Hodgins.

As I look around this table I see many faces who

were involved in the Harling takeover.

I see Brown enslaved each and every weekend and then

there's Smyth who's nobly sacrificed his marriage on

the altar of city finance.

And then there's old Burg, the only employee of

Rottberg and Co every to delay a prostate operation

so that a prospectus could be finished on time.

But the person who deserves all the credit,

the true architect of this success, I think I can say

without fear of contradiction is...

[church bells]


[church bell]

Now I think we've all wasted enough time on

needless backslapping.

There are plenty of deals to be done.

Let's get back to work.

[church bells]

Well I haven't come across such arrogance since the

days of old Rottberg.

I haven't come across such arrogance since Mussolini.


The jeweler, with engagement rings.

Thank you Gloria, but that looks like skirt work to me.

You choose please.

You're so sexy when you're sexist.

By the way Gloria you owe me a tenner.

Rupert, you didn't really say what you said you were

going to say, did you?

Oh yes I did and Rottberg nearly had a cow.



Well guys I think that covers the main points.

Let's get back to our desks and do what we do best...

drink coffee and make private phone calls.

Alison there's a Sarah Daniels in reception for you.

Great, send her in.



I'll get some coffee.

How are you you old [inaudible] .

Still cursed with girlish good looks.

I can't believe you've been away for a whole year.

How was the states?

'It's been real', as they say over there.

I've become a born again shopper and a martyr to

designer clothes.

So I've noticed.

Whatever happened to you and Simon running off to

that shack to make politically correct pottery?

Don't talk to me about Simon.

Why; you used to go everywhere together.

Yes, but it was only so I wouldn't have to

kiss him goodbye.


So was there anyone after Simon?

Do you want me to start alphabetically or



The first rebound casualty was Gary.

His idea of romance was going to a mobile phone convention.

That's the first time I've been in a room over

100 men all boasting who had the smallest.

Allie what's wrong; what's the matter?


I know you too well Alison...

It's just so good to have you back, especially as

tomorrow is my birthday.

I know, and I've bought you something gorgeous.

Oh darling, you must come tomorrow night.

Everybody is going to be there.


But on one condition; we lie about my age.


Alison, sorry to interrupt you but there's an urgent

fax from Mr. Granger.

What does it say?

Alison, change of plan, please pick up my niece

and nephew from Heathrow at new arrival time of

9:30 tomorrow morning.

Looking forward to some quality time, 22 00h tonight

my place, love Rupert.

Rupert? Do I hear Rupert as in Granger?

Rupert Granger who was at college with us?

Yes, that Rupert Granger.

Quality time my place, love Rupert.

On my gossip antennae I'm sensing something juicy.

No, it's old news I'm afraid.

We've been going out together for ten months.

And it must be love.

Although I hardly ever see him as he's working all the time.

As I remember he used to spend most of his time

hiding out in the library.

Is he still quiet and unassuming?

I think I can safely say that he's come out of his

shell a little.

Is he still borrowing money?

Oh my god, I'd completely forgotten all about that.

No definitely not.

He deals with money, lots of it.

Come on let's get out of here and grab a coffee.

I can't wait to meet Rupert again tomorrow night.

Oh he won't be there.


He's flying to Spain to complete some huge merger

or something.

Besides Rupert will only speak to my friends if the

[inaudible] is engaged.

Ow.. ohh..

Oh...Rupert, just try and relax.

Don't worry, you're not missing much.

You see I had everything money could buy.

I was very quick off the mark in business but the

same quality in the bedroom had its own shortcomings.

Well in all that excitement I really don't

know which of those two minutes I enjoyed the most.



[winding sound]

Not again, I thought I'd hidden that thing.

[music box]

[sighs] Well Toby Toad why does the grumpy Mr. Rupert keep

you hidden under the bed?

Please Alison I'm trying to get to sleep here.

Tell me why do you keep it Rupert; go on please.

If you don't I won't go to lunch with you tomorrow.

I want to know.

Alison do you know the trouble that I went to to

rearrange my whole morning schedule just so that

I could fit y you in?

What? On my birthday, thank you so much!

Now you won't have to will you; I'm not going to

lunch with you.

Alison, I want you to come to lunch; it's important to me!

Alison...does it really matter?

It's just a piece of plastic.

It matters to me Rupert.

I want to know.

Although she didn't know it, Alison had me by the

short and curlies.

You see at lunch tomorrow I was going to ask her to

marry me.

All right Alison, I'll tell you why I keep it.

My father gave it to me.

He was so proud of it.

For him this represented the accumulation of years

of hard work.

But I thought you didn't get on with your father.

No, I keep this to remind me every

day of just what failure is.

Toby Toad drives me on.

So that's why you're a workaholic?

No, that's why I make money.

The more you have the stronger your shield.

My father had about as much business sense as

a drunken sailor on pay night.

He was just a romantic dreamer.

He frittered away a fortune producing

ridiculous plastic novelties.

He lost us everything.

Now can we just go to sleep?



I'm pregnant.



You must learn to swim Rupert.

Besides it's fun. [echo]

Rupert? Rupert?

Stop hiding. [echo]

[sound effects of water]

The same dream?

Are you anxious?

Why don't you just learn how to swim?

Oh I don't mind the odd wet dream...

And so my big day arrived.


[pre-recorded message]: Good morning and happy birthday.

Sorry I can't be there, I have a little something

for you hanging in the boardroom beside my gray suit.

Don't forget to pick up Sebastian and Fiona and be

ready for lunch at 12:45 precisely.

Yes sir.


Thank god his secretary's got taste.



Good morning girls.

Good morning Mr. Granger.

Did you have a good journey into work?


Hutchings, Smyth and Oldberg will be here in

two minutes and I've placed all important

messages on your desk.

Thank you Gloria. I trust you chose a suitable ring?

Oh yes; it's quite beautiful.

I'll go and get it.

No, don't bother with it now.

Make sure I take it with me to lunch.

And the flight to Barcelona?

You're on the 2:30 returning on the 10:30 flight tonight.

You've only got three-quarters of an hour for lunch.

That should be quite sufficient.

Thank you Gloria.


Why are you standing there like three brush salesmen...

the money you're on you should be able

to negotiate a doorway.

Oldberg, I was going to talk to you yesterday

but I had to take a very important call.

You know who that call was from?

No... [fumbles]

Well it was from a well-known publisher of

fiction who wanted the paperback rights to your expenses.

Reduce them immediately or get a lawyer.

Smyth, I'm going to Barcelona this afternoon

to close the deal.

I want all the documents checked.

If I find as much as one comma missing, I'll have your

balls cut off, dipped in bronze and hung above my desk.

I approved everything last night.

That's interesting.

I'd better sharpen my shears as I found a real gem...

a peseta is a Spanish coin, unlike a pasata which is an

Italian tomato sauce.

Get out Smyth.

We finance multinational businesses not bloody pizzerias.

Yes sir.


...your attempt to rectify the situation

on the dollar book showed about as much business

sense as asking for more ice on the Titanic,

and so for the long-term business security of this firm

I have a very important job for you to do.

Pack your desk and get out.

Gloria get me Michael Tarrington at Foster Gordon's

will you; he'll be at home.

Is there anything I can do for you Hutchings?

You could get cancer and die.

Not if you want a reference.


It 12:25.

Firstly the children's flight arrived on time and

they were collected safely by Alison.

Secondly the ring...

I'm sure Alison will think it romantic to propose on

her birthday.

Good luck Rupert.


Who needs luck; it's a done deal.

Don't forget to send the flowers this afternoon.

Of course.

I remember my eldest daughter's wedding.

It was a beautiful day.

I spent two months looking for a hat and Penny,

my youngest looked so gorgeous as a bridesmaid...

By the way Gloria, did I hear you discussing

a problem you were having with your daughter?

Yes... I was moaning to Rose about the council turning

down Penny's application for a grant to drama school.

Yes well, don't bring your personal life to work again.

You know I don't like it.

There's a complaint memo for you in the top drawer.

I understand sir.


So the night of full moon came and the mermaid said

that she couldn't stay on the land and if the

soldier wanted to be with her he would have to join

her in the sea... at that moment the angry townspeople

rushed towards her and she dived into the water.

The soldier stared into the water, he was very frightened.

He knew if he jumped into the water he could never

come back onto land.

Then he bravely decided to jump in.

Why did the soldier jump in the water?

Uncle Rupert!

Hello Fiona, hello Sebastian.

Hello sis - you still seeing the world through

rose tinted pyramids?

[whale sounds]

What the hell's wrong with the hi-fi?

It's whale songs actually.

Don't disturb my calm, I spent all morning in the

dentist's chair.

We've been reading The Little Mermaid and we're

up to the bit where the soldier jumps into the water.

How marvelous for you.

Alison we need to leave now otherwise we'll be very late.

Uncle Rupert, why did the man jump into the water

after the mermaid?

I don't know; perhaps he lost all his money and

understandably decided to commit suicide.

Why don't you answer her?

Don't worry Alison; Uncle Rupert never answers my questions.

He's always too busy to answer questions.

Come on Alison, I've got a very tight schedule to keep.

Oh Rupert...what's wrong with you?

Your aura is vibrating with nervous energy.

Don't let them near my Andy Polski.

Who's Andy Polski?

He's a painter.

Bye, bye everyone.

Come on Alison.

Was he blind?

I don't understand why you couldn't answer their questions.

You have no playfulness in you Rupert.

No playfulness... she'll see.


Oh Granger, haven't conquered Poland yet.

In for a spot of lunch?

And this is your good lady, wife?

Sir, may I introduce Alison Simpson.

Lovely to meet you my dear.

Mr. Granger shall I take you to a table now?

Great saddlebags on that filly Granger....[laughs]

Heard a [inaudible]

of a joke the other day...Quasimodo...[mumbles]

...he goes into a bar in a bloody awful mood,

thumps the counter and shouts, whiskey!

The barman says Glenfiddich okay?

No that's not it...

[inaudible]... J&B

No...lost it, it's gone.

Still mustn't hold you up and I must pay the bill.

[inaudible] what was that joke you told me the other day

about Quasimodo....

So now that Marvo the Memory Man

had left me with only 44 minutes to propose

...and feeling slightly nervous, I thought

I'd better turn on the well honed Granger charm.

Are you all right Rupert?

I'm fine, fine.

Alison, for some time now I've been thinking about

an important merger.

Alison, I thought that today being your birthday

would make a memorable day to ask you...


I want to marry me..., you.

I want you to marry me.

Bells...I've got it Granger, bells...

the barmen says bills all right and Quasimodo says

mind your own bloody business.


Anyway enjoy your lunch.

Golf for two.

Oh Maxwell...let me tell you...


You want me to marry you?

Yes, yes, I think we'd be the perfect couple?

Do you love me?

Yes, yes, of course I love you.

Why else would I want to marry you?

To achieve a perfect merger perhaps.

I don't want to hurt you Rupert but...

Alison, I'm offering you my home in the country,

the flat in town.

I'm way past my first millions...

you'll want for nothing.

Except for romance, fun, kindness, generosity.

I'm very generous.

Not with your time Rupert.

You couldn't even be bothered with your own niece.

If she'd asked me how to secure junk bonds I could

have answered her.

She's a five-year-old!

[in background] ...Bells...[laughter]

I love you Rupert but I'm not sure you're the man

I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Why; what have I done wrong?

Not knowing the answer to a child's ridiculous question?

It's not just that, it's all sorts of things.

For instance?

We've been together for ten months and you haven't

even met my friends.

Alison, that's nonsense.

I went to that party in... Wimbledon with you;

that was full of your friends.

That was ages ago and you didn't speak to any of them.

You moaned and made us leave after an hour.

Social workers are hardly my kind of people.

They're not social workers.

They're just aren't big city money movers.

You can't see the point of meeting anyone unless

there's a business deal at the end of it.

Oh I'm sorry.

I don't happen to enjoy inane conversations with

people who always seem to be called Derrick and who

feel there's cause to celebrate because some

singer decided to wander around the rain forest

sticking the bark back on trees.

I'm a very busy man.

So am I.

I'll get my people to call your people.

Alison, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'll meet your friends if that's what you want.

I'll even speak to them.

You know I would do anything for you.

It's not all I want; it's just a start.

What else have I got to do?

I want someone who makes romantic gestures and

I don't mean getting your secretary to send me

a bunch of flowers with a message dictated on it.

I want someone with a sense of fun.


I want...I want someone who knows why the man

dived in the water to be with the mermaid.

What's that got to do with ...I don't know why the

old woman lived in a shoe.

Is that any reason not to marry me?

It's my birthday and I'm meeting my friends tonight

and you can't even make it.

Once again you're off on business to Bendo...

Barcelona actually.


The point is Rupert you'll never alter your schedule for me.

There's more chance of the sun rising again tonight.

Can we get on with lunch and discuss this like

reasonable adults?

I'm running out of time here.

I'm sorry for taking so much of your precious time.

You went to a great deal of trouble to fit me in to

your busy schedule and it's so nice of you to

squeeze in a quick marriage proposal amongst

all your other proposals.

Right, I'm going now.

Alison, please!

Give me one last chance to make amends.

Okay Rupert, I'm going to give you one last chance.

If you want me you're going to have to change your ways

and fit our relationship into your hectic schedule.

You can start by turning up tonight to my birthday

and being pleasant to my friends and enjoying an

intimate restaurant of my own choice.

Yes, I'm going to be in Barcelona.

I've been working on this merger for a year.

Then it's up to you isn't it?

Which merger is more important to you Rupert?

So feeling completely out of sync with cupid and his

little book of rules I was off on my business meeting

to Barcelona with one nagging question;

what went wrong with the proposal?

I knew I loved Alison and that I didn't want to lose her.

She wanted me to change.

But how and to what?

To be perfectly honest I didn't see anything

I wanted to change.


So I decided that if I was going to win her over I'd use

all my skill to conclude the business deal early.

I'd be at the restaurant tonight and even if she

brought the entire crew of the rainbow [inaudible]

I'd force myself to enjoy their company.


So I got on with what I do


The meeting was a great success which meant that

they could book me on an earlier flight so I could

definitely get back to be with Alison tonight.

I want someone who knows why the man dived in the

water to be with the mermaid.


I want someone who makes romantic gestures.


All right Rupert, I'm going to give you last chance...





Bloody country.

Why must you always bring the [inaudible]...

Hmm... yes... tell you that I'm definitely coming tonight.

[background airport noise]

I'll be catching an earlier flight yes.

No, Alison, I can't wait to meet your friends.

I'll be with you at five past nine.

Oh and I've checked my diary and I'll be able to take

you away for that weekend... can't wait to see you.

Well wonders will never cease.

Well you never know; if he loves you that much then

he probably will change.

He won't change; he's a man.

Yeah, you're right.

Alison can I ask you something?

Why are you with Rupert?

Well he's been asking me out for years which was

really flattering but I was always with someone else.

And after Jeff nearly suffocated me Rupert was

like a breath of fresh air.

He was charming, bought me champagne...

Sounds great.

So what happened?

We fell in love but then that was it.

It was all surface stuff with Rupert.

I just feel like a trophy.

So why do you stay with him?

Because I love him and I think the man I'm underneath

all that pompous arrogance is completely different.

You've made a mistake; I always travel first class.

Surely Mr. Gomez made that clear.

But you're very lucky to get a ticket ...we have a

football team flying to London tonight.

I'll try to get bumped up too so watch your turn.

I have an extremely important meeting.

Yeah, put a [inaudible] in a pin-striped suit

and all of a sudden he's Charlie big bollocks.

Wait your turn and let me get my ticket first.

That's precisely the reason that I travel first class,

to get away way from this, this sort of building person.

Why don't you put him into quarantine darling...then

he can be on his own.

Mr. [inaudible], your ticket.

Well I can assure you that being locked up with the

chimpanzee's tea party would be preferable to

sitting anywhere near you.

Yeah, I can see you drinking tea through a spout.

Look I want this ticket upgraded so speak to your superior.

There is no way on this earth that I'll be

travelling in economy today.


Have a nice flight.


Good evening, welcome aboard.

Have a nice flight.


Good evening sir, have a nice flight.


Good evening.

If you take your seat in the first class we'll be

pleased to serve you some champagne before we take off.

Have a nice flight.

Good evening sir...I hope you enjoy your flight.

Yes, yes, there has been a terrible mistake with

my ticket, yes.

I always travel first class...

First class is full I'm afraid.

You're seating will be down on the left.

Thank you, have a nice flight.


Good evening, welcome aboard.


[PA]: Can we remind passengers not to play with balls in the

departure [inaudible]...


[crying child, coughing]

[ringing for attendant]

[ringing for attendant]

[ringing for attendant]

[people talking in background]

What are you doing?

Why push everyone's bell when you have one of your

own that works?

This is a smoking seat and I don't smoke.

This is your seat [inaudible].

I want you to find me a seat in nonsmoking now.

I'm sorry sir but this aircraft is fully booked.

Now sit down and enjoy your flight.


Thank you very much.

I suppose I should be grateful I haven't been

handed a white silk scarf, goggles and been given a

seat on the tail fin.

Must be my lucky day; look who I'm sitting next to.

Well I hope you don't smoke.

Why would I be sitting in smoking if I didn't smoke?

Well I don't, so please refrain from doing so

on this flight.

See that light up there, that one up there,

when it goes out I light up.

I might even buy myself a cigar.

Anyone got a pipe?

Hurry up George.

I am, I am.


Get those lobsters out of the way.


They shouldn't let fat people on planes...

they should make them walk.

Rather sorry...

You alright mate?

What do got in these?

They are the live lobsters, they are very

good for you.

They [inaudible]...[laughs]

...Sit down.

Shame there isn't any room for the pet goat...


Excuse me I want you to tell this man to stop

being annoying!

I ain't done nothing.

Stop being annoying.

Happy now?

Marvelous, that's told him.

Stop arguing and fasten your seatbelt for takeoff.

What the hell is it now?

Take the bloody thing.

Thank you for putting this in your locker.


I'm coming, I'm coming.

The things I do for love Alison.

Seeing that couple kissing reminded me of my first

kiss with Alison.



[pilot]: Ladies and gentlemen I have an announcement...

owing to localized fog at Heathrow airport we been

asked to make a diversion to Barajas airport Madrid.

I apologize for the inconvenience.

Localized fog?

Since when has Madrid been a diversion for London?

What happened to Charles DeGaulle airport in Paris.

There is no traffic until the strike is out.

We cannot land anywhere in France.

What about Gatwick?




City airport, Stansted,

Manchester, Birmingham, anywhere in England

for god's sake.

I'm sorry sir but that is what we have been told.

Barajas, Madrid is nominated airport.

So you're telling me that because someone's having

a BBQ in Hounslow,

a bit of hickory smoke drifts across London's

flight path and we're all going to a bloody

bull fight in Madrid.



Well let's put the tin lid on it!

I'll call her.

I'll call her, I will phone and explain.

After all I made the effort to come back.



He's going to have a fit.


He is having a fit.


[jet engine]

We've landed.

Wake up.

[kids crying]

Oh my god, it's the power cut...

It's lucky we're on the ground then really isn't it?

[PA]: Your attention please, chief steward speaking.

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to Madrid.

Please remain seated.

I'm about to request the boarding steps.

You will be able to disembark and take ten minutes.


What the hell is going on?

Well maybe they diverted

the boarding steps as well.

I have been waiting here for sixteen minutes.

What do you think we've been at [inaudible]?

Right that's it.

I'm going to sort this out now.


I know you may regard this as a novel way to call up

the boarding steps madam but I think you'll find a

phone more effective.

Do you mind sir; this is a private area?

Don't you dare.

While you two have been practicing for the

mile high club...

If you take your seat we will inform you about what

is happening.

Have you even called up the boarding steps?

Christ I forgot.

[inaudible] it up now.

Now you can piss off and sit down.

Let me give you a hand.






You look beautiful.

And you, you old [inaudible].

Happy birthday.

Oh Al...

Happy birthday darling.

This is Jen.

Hi nice meeting you.

Hi, hello, happy birthday.

I thought Rupert would be with you.

Oh Rupert never turns up.

He never leaves the office.

Actually he's on his way.

He rang from Barcelona to say he'd get back earlier.

What on, a flying pig?


And I bet you thought he was phoning to say he was

going to be tied up this evening.

I'm telling you for the last time that you are

making a mistake.

I didn't attack anyone.

You have done my chief steward a great injury.

Hasn't it crossed your mind to ask him why he had

his cock out in the first place?

You will wait there, I will have you escorted off

the aircraft.


The case.

[sound of music box]

So, what have we here?

Toby Toad; it's a novelty.

Someone hid it there today as a joke.

You are too old to play with toys.

Maybe you hiding a different kind of kick.

[music box]

Mr. Granger, now you go behind the screen and take

off your clothes.

In our business many mysteries are solved by

the traditional practice... of laying on of hands.


Let's not wait for Rupert to open your presents.

I want to see what you think of the earrings I bought you.

It doesn't matter what you do about the general level

of education in this country, as long as you have

[inaudible] press tabloids being sold by the million.

Derrick is it possible to have a conversation with

you without you going into a review of contemporary society?

He's just getting ready to face his foe;

the arch capitalist, Rupert.

If he turns up.


This cab should come with a government health warning.


Health warning.


Whatever happened to being just plain racist and sexist?

What a night.

Right, Alison...

[background joviality in Spanish]

[rings bell]


[banging on a bell for service]

[banging on a bell for service]


Rupert Granger.



Ah, Granger, I've been warned about you.

Perhaps danger suits you better. [chuckles]

I'm afraid we are very full at the moment so you

will have to share with a Mr. Charles Boxer.

He is sitting at the bar.

Mr. Boxer very funny man.

He is making everyone laugh.

And Mr. Granger, I want no inconvenience from you in

this hotel tonight.

And please, no trouble.

Don't worry, Alison, he'll turn up and when he does

it's up to us to help him socially integrate.

Derrick, he's Alison's boyfriend,

not Chi Chi the Panda.

He's coming here for pasta, not bamboo shoots.

I am not a bloody troublemaker.

I haven't got time for any of this.

I want to make an urgent phone call.

The telephones they are over there.

[laughter in background]

Excuse but there is a man on telephono for you...

it is international call.

That bustard.


For once I ask him to do something for me and he

can't...he couldn't.

He say very important...he speak with you.

I bet he does, bastard.

You tell him Mario that Alison does not want to

talk to him now or ever again because he's a...

A big bastard?



Where is Alison?

She no want to talk to you now or ever again.

Alison say you are a bad man.

She say you big bastard.

Please, please, will you get Alison to the phone?

And tell him to stuff his proposal up his ass!

Also she say, push your proposals up your asses.

Thank you so much for sharing that with me.

Will you please, please get Alison to the phone.

[grunting, efforts]

Mr. Granger, Mr. Boxer is over at the bar.



I believe we're sharing a room.

You are joking?

Unfortunately not, no.

Let's make the best of it...I mean [inaudible]

do you want a drink?


I'll have an extremely large brandy.

um...[inaudible] Brandy.

Leave the bottle.

What, are you on a mission?

Heard about what you done to that steward.

Yes well he had his revenge.

Was it rough?

Well let's just say that when I get back to London

I shall do to that airline precisely what was done to me.


That stuff on the plane, what do you say we forget about it?

There's nothing would give me greater pleasure.

Here's to swimming with bow-legged women.

Here's to ...worst day of my life.

It's not so bad, I mean we got diverted old dad used to say ...

doesn't matter how shitty the [inaudible] is

you always find a few [inaudible] in it.

So what do you, you know, when you're not annoying

air hostesses?

I sell futures.

Well I hope your better with other peoples

than you are yours.

I'm sorry, I was only joking.


What I mean is what do you do for fun?

I um...

...I used to see Alison when I could.

Who's that, your bird?

Was...was my bird, yeah.

What's she like?

Oh yeah, she's all right.

She's beautiful.

Yes and she...

...she's gone.

[phone rings]


Merry, merry Christmas.

[makes kissing sound]

It's me.

Morning Alison, merry Christmas to you.

How's America?

Oh, I'm missing you, I wish you were here.

I was worried about you being on your own so I had

to call you first thing.

Have you opened your present yet?

It's Christmas Eve here but I thought you wouldn't mind.

I'm wearing it now; it looks gorgeous.

I wish I could see you in it.

So do I.

I've left your present in the lounge...

You should have ...I'll open it later.

No, you must open it now.

I want to be there while you open it, even if

I'm just on the phone.

All right, I'll come straight back.

Merry Christmas Rupert.





I can't wait to unwrap my...

Your presents.

Go on open it, you're going to love it.

What about your family?

Oh sod my family.

I couldn't bear to think about you without me on

Christmas morning.

Steady Rupert.

God, why don't I think of things like this?

I'd have probably just left you on your own.

Oh yeah?


You ever leave me on my own I'll never forgive you.

Never ever. Never ever.



Floor show's starting.


You can always rely on the economy class passengers

to show you up.

Good job they're not British otherwise they

would be wearing [inaudible] handkerchiefs.

I suppose this is your idea of fun is it?

[inaudible] is fun... that's what matters.






[toilet flushing]

Allie you all right?


yeah I'm fine.

You haven't drank that much.

Is it something you ate?

No, I think it's called morning sickness.

You're not are you?

Yes I am.

Have you told Rupert yet?


I was going to tell him tonight, that was the

whole point...but yet again, something much more

important than Alison.

All he's interested in is business and money.


Do you remember what we used to say when we were

at college?

How can you tell when a man is happy?

- Who cares? - Who cares?


Well there you are.

We thought you'd started a battered women's

refuge in there.

No, it's the Noah's Ark syndrome which decrees

that women must go to the toilet two by two and

leave us men to fend for ourselves.

Oh Alistair, remind me to be my ribs reset.

Well now you are back, let's drink the champagne.


Cheers everyone.


...even with a free hand...

...hopefully she'll run it all over you.


And a last toast to absent friends...or more

specifically Rupert who is probably awash in

champagne sitting in some bar in Barcelona deciding

which come to asset strip next.

Alistair, Rupert has more faults than the San Andres

valley but drinking is not one of them.

But if he just had one drink it could help him relax.

But no way, Rupert is a man who has got to be in

complete control.

What was I talking...?

Fish, you were talking about fish...

you had a fish supper.

Alison, my problem with her is that Alison says

that I never let myself go...

...she said one, one... I have no sense of fun...

I think you're are funny.

I can be funny.

Two, apparently I don't understand...apparently

I'm unkind to children.... three, C, three...C,

I've got no generosity at all.

What do you normally do?


You know, when you want to make a romantic gesture?

I don't.

Of course you do...everybody mate,

some sort of romantic gesture you know.

You got to seem to offer [inaudible].

Yeah, right, passion.

Sing to her.

[sings] Every time I wake up, there I start to break up,

lonely is the man without love...

She would think that I lost a plot.

If I sing...

That's perfect because you're singing to her.

Go and phone and...

I'll tell you why I can't do that now because she's

in London in a restaurant and she is cursing

me for not being there.

Of course she is.


Of course, I'll bet she's got an answering machine.


Yeah well what could be better lad, she comes off,

all pissed off with you because you're not

romantic and all that, right.


And then...bang, there you are on the answering

machine...singing to her.

Singing to her.

That is brilliant.

I mean what could be better?

[singing] Lonely is the man... love from the heart...

...lonely is the man without love.

[singing] And every time I wake up then I start to break up

lonely is the man without love.

Every time I start out, then I cry my heart out,

lonely is the man without loooove...

I am so sorry for being such an old fart.


Chas, I did it.

Look Alistair, the way to deal with the end of a

relationship is quite simple.

Alison must try and pull herself together and when

you come in here you throw your Cosmopolitan


Actually Derrick for those of us more in tune with

Cosmopolitan's editorial policy they regard men

with the same esteem only given to cockroaches and

the point of Cosmopolitan's article

about the breakup of relationships...

Alistair, I was reading an article in Elle which was

quite clear on the fact that somebody like Alison

is now experiencing a cathartic dysfunctional state.

The solution is, as far as they're concerned,

colonic irrigation.



And throwing yourself deeper into your career.

Leading articles in Mary Clare...She,

Health and Efficiency Magazine...

Health and Efficiency?

Have revolutionized PRT...


Post relationship trauma...


they all agree that the best way to purge

the inner demons and bitterness

is to detox the body with a food combining diet,

the secret of which...

Whoa, whoa, that's enough advice.

Sarah and I are leaving now to indulge in our own

combining diet which will involve combining as much

ice cream with as much chocolate as possible.

The secret of which....

Mario the bill please.

That's all I'm saying...


Drink, I need more drink.

Can't you [inaudible drunken talking]


Come on, come on, come on


I want no trouble please.

And Mr. Granger, I have my eye on you.

I know you are the ringleader.

And you are coco the clown.


What made it worse, it wasn't even my garden...

Excuse me love, is there any chance I could get on

the same day I got up?

Yeah, sorry.

Oh Alison, are you sure you don't want to come

back to my place tonight?

No, I'm fine.

You're forgetting I'm an independent,

self sufficient career woman of the nineties who just

wants to cry over a man all night.


[singing] Come, come, and drink one with me down at the

[inaudible] ...[singing]

Bye, bye.


[singing] Come, come... [speaking over, shouting]

[shouting, cross-talk, laughing]

I think you have had enough to drink...

If I want to drink, I will drink.

George...what are in those boxes?


What on earth are you doing with them?

They are mine.

They sell them fresh at the airport.

I always buy half a dozen

Why do they put those little blankets on them?

To stop them from drying out I suppose.

It looks like racing colours to me.

What would you know about it?

She never lets me watch the races...

I have a blinding idea.

Anyone got any nail varnish?

Nail varnish?




[♪] [chatter]

And now we're at the famous Seville racetrack...

I'm not sure we should be doing this...isn't it

cruel or something?

And blanching them into boiling water isn't?

We're at the famous Seville racetrack...

from the classic race the lobster cup...the winning

lobster goes free, right?

This is crissy cross station and the lazy [inaudible]

....and they're clawing their way to the starting lin

itching to go.

Supposing they don't go in a straight line.

Well that's easy darling because what you do is you

creep up behind them slowly, quietly and you shout...



And then they are under starters orders and...

ready, steady...wait for it...


[clapping, cheering] [♪]

What in the name of god is going on out here?

Hell, there was less noise at Pearl Harbor.

I'm sorry love, we're just having a laugh.

What are all these crustaceans doing on my

beautiful carpets?

About one mile an hour...



Take yourselves and those...


I know what they are.

Take them back to your rooms and go to sleep.

This is you isn't it?

I was warned about you.

You have made these people act like lunatics.

I think you'll find it's the other way around.


If somebody doesn't move that lobster, I'm going to

shoot the son of a bitch.

Is it gone yet, have they taken it away?

I am confiscating it. lobsters!

Not anymore.

Give me that lobster.

No, no, no, not this one.

This one has won it's freedom.


What am I going to do with this?

I know just the place.


And stay in your room.

I'm sorry my darling.

George, your lobsters were magnificent.

You know I don't think I've ever climbed

a tree in my life.

What are we doing here?


You know Rup, when I was a kid I used to climb trees

all the time.


What do you mean why?

It was compulsory.

It was like playing football or trying to kiss a girl.

What did you do as a kid?

Latin verbs mainly...and calculus, trigonometry.

No wonder your life is in such a mess.

Chas do you think he'll ever let us back in...?


No he's waiting there for us.

Don't worry about it Rup cause I've got a cunning plan.

Well I hope it's better than this one.


Now listen, no arsing about ...absolutely no noise.



It's alright I fell on your wallet.

Is there a plan B?


Go on.


How do you know this is the way in?


I should know, I've got thousands of them.

This is it.




Come on let's get out of here.

[door slams]

Get back!


[sounds of water]

[struggle] [sounds of water]

Come here.

Thank you, thank you.

I can't swim. I can't swim.

Can you walk, because it's only four foot deep.


Keep your weight up Rup, swing your arms about.

Come on you can do it.

You're doing it.

You're swimming.

Chas I'm swimming.

You are swimming.

I'm swimming Chas.


What is it?

My father was absolutely right...

...there is no point in being frightened of having fun.

It's just fun.

Come on Confucious.

We better get out of here.

Keep quiet.

What did I do? I don't want to be quiet.

I'm having fun. I'm having fun.

I want to drink then I want to sing...I'm having fun.



[singing] I feel good...I knew that I would now...

He drinks anymore I'll have to pay duty on him at the airport.

[sing] I feel good, I love you....

[both singing]

When I hold you in my arms I know that I can't do no

wrong and when I hold you in my arms My love won't

do you no harm...


[phone rings]


Hello, hello, Mr. Boxer, Mr. Granger...what are you should have been downstairs five

minutes ago...everybody is waiting...


Oh Alison....


[car horn]

Are you there?


I got to be downstairs in the lobby...






Come on, come on, hurry up.


Ring that number and they'll do it for you.

Just mention my name.

Thanks Charles, I'll be in touch.

You've done more for me than you know.

Alison said I needed to change, and I'm going to.

I should have met you years ago.

I owe you.

No, no, no.

You owe me nothing.

You owe your lady.


I don't understand why you couldn't answer their questions.

You have no playfulness in you Rupert.


There's a cab.

You try the first one.


Don't forget, you're never too old to climb trees.

Come here.

Good luck.

Hope you're not busy today, we're going to

Bournemouth via Chelsea.


[door bell]


[door bell]


Who is it?

It's me.

Go away; I don't want to ever see you again.

Please Alison, I have to talk to you.

Piss off!

Alison please let me in.

I have to talk to you.

I don't want to hear anymore of your excuses; just leave.

I'm on my knees, I'm begging you please...

Alison I have to talk to you.

I'll let you in but I want you out in five minutes; got it?

Thank you.

What happened to your trousers?

I ripped them climbing a tree.

Very funny.

Come on Rupert, I don't want to hear anymore of your lies.

No, no it's not a lie.

I ripped them climbing a tree.

What do you want Rupert?

I want to change.

I don't blame you; you look terrible.

Not my clothes, me.

I gave you one last chance remember

and you couldn't make it.

Did you like my singing?


When did you ever sing?

On your machine last night.

Rupert I don't know what you're up to but it won't work.

Singing, climbing trees, you must think I'm a bloody fool.

No, no, no, I did.

I climbed a tree and...

The only reason you'd climb a tree is if there

was a deal at the end of it.

Alison you must come with me now.

I've got something...

Stop barking at me!

I'm not going anywhere with you...

You must come with me, come on.

Oh must I?

And your time is up so you must leave my flat.

Go on Rupert, go!

Alison, please, give me one last chance to show

you that I can change.

Rupert, you'll never change.

I don't know what you've been doing and

I don't really care.

I've wasted a lot of time with you and now

I want you out of my life for good.

Please Alison, I know I haven't been romantic,

I haven't been any fun...I know, but I intend to change.

I don't care anymore Rupert, don't you understand?

I don't want to be with you.

But you said you loved me.

I did but..but we have nothing in common.

If I can convince you that I have changed

will you reconsider?

What you've changed overnight?

No, no, but I want to change so that I can spend

the rest of my life with you.

We're different people Rupert.

You used to think that we were perfect together.

But things were different then...

I just finished with Jeff

and you were everything that he wasn't.

Where he suffocated me you gave me space.

But now you can barely spare me an evening. you love me?

If the answer is no I'll go and you'll never see me

again, but if it's yes, if it's yes you have to give

me one last chance to show you that I can change.

Have you been taking drugs or something?

Do you love me?

This is ridiculous!

Do you love me?



But that doesn't mean you can come back into my life.

I know, but please, just one last chance please.

I need to think...

this is all so weird...I mean yesterday you asked

me to marry you ...and I said I'm not sure unless

you can change and now you're telling my you

changed overnight.

I don't understand what's been going on with you

Rupert but...

Please, please, just come with me to a restaurant.

It's a wonderful restaurant ...for the last time.

I need to think!

And I want to do it without you here, now go.

Please, just come with me for lunch.

[door slam]

I'll call you.

And Ev...

[singing]: Every day I wake up then I start to break up,

lonely is a man without love...every day

I wake up then I start to break up lonely is a man

without love...every day I start out, then I cry my

heart out, lonely is a man without love...

Every day I wake up then I start to break up knowing

that it's cloudy above...

Every day I start up then I cry my heart out...

Hello Sarah?

Hello darling.

Can you tell me something?

Yeah, of course I will.

What's all that noise in the background?


It's Rupert singing.



Rupert is singing to me.

When you locked Simon out and didn't let him back in,

did you ever regret not opening the door?


Yeah, oh yes.

...lonely is the man without love.

Thanks Sarah.

...every day I wake up then I start to break up,

lonely is the man without love....

Has anyone told you you're a terrible singer?

Yes, frequently and I'll go on singing until you

agree to come to lunch with me.

All right, I'll come.

That doesn't mean I'm changing my mind.


The door...



You know where to go.


Well... that'll be 500 pounds... [inaudible].

Rupert this pier looks shut to me.

Everything ready sir?

Mr. Boxer's friend it very special.

When do I play the music?

You start playing as soon as they enter.

Here they starts...

[violin music]

Madam, this way please.

Thank you.

Where is everyone else?

We've opened especially for you and the food is on its way.

Lobster and chips for two.

[violin music]


[violin music]


So this is meant to convince me that you've changed?

Well you must admit it's romantic, hm?

It's out of season.

How did you get this place open?

Don't tell me money buys anything.

Don't you like it?

What will you do if I don't?

Bribe the merry-go-round operator to open it up


If that's what you want, yes.

Where are you going?



Alison, Alison, Alison what's wrong?

You don't know do you?

I thought you wanted romance!

You'll never change Rupert.

You think you can buy everything including me?

Well you can't.


Alison I need you!

Alison I love you!

Oh what's he doing?

Rupert, you can't swim... what the hell are you doing?






Are you all right?

I know why the man jumped into the water.

To be with the mermaid.

Why did he do it?

Because the soldier jumped into the water to be with

the prove that he loved her.



Will you marry me?



Yes, yes, I'd love to marry you!


Very wise dear, if he's going to keep doing this

sort of thing someone's got to look after him.

And that someone will be me.

How romantic.

Bloody daft if you ask me.


By the way, I'm pregnant.


Now listen to this.

[singing] when I cry my heart out, lonely is the man

without love... every time I wake up then I start to

break up...lonely is the man without love...


I am so sorry for being such an old fart...