The Santa Trap (2002) - full transcript

Recently uprooted from New England, the Emerson family (Shelley Long, Robert Hays) have moved to the balmy desert southwest and the discouraged Molly claims "it doesn't feel like Christmas." Crestfallen at the thought that Santa is just a myth, young daughter Judy sets an elaborate trap and successfully snares Santa Claus. The parents call the police to report this strange but jolly intruder. Santa (Dick Van Patten) tries to prove his identity, but is arrested. Judy pleads with her father explaining that millions of kids will go without presents. Santa is placed in jail with Max (Stacy Keach), a ne'er-do-well biker. Back at the Emerson house, Bill is awakened by strange noises and surprised to see live reindeer on the roof. Now a believer, Bill goes to the police station and free Santa Claus. But the bumbling police mistake Max for Santa, and release Max the biker instead. Comic complications ensue, and Christmas hangs in the balance. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
♪ jingle, jingle, jingle, ho, ho, ho. ♪

♪ kiss me baby under the mistletoe. ♪

♪ come on and take my hand. ♪

♪ join me in this winter wonderland. ♪

♪ Christmas is on its way. ♪

♪ the elves are busy finishing the toys ♪

♪ for the good girls and boys. ♪


♪ soon you hear Santa say ♪

♪ "it's time to break out the sleigh." ♪

♪ "suit up and lead the way." ♪

♪ Christmas is on its way. ♪

♪ Christmas is on its way. ♪

♪ Christmas is on its way. ♪

[radio announcer:] ho, ho, ho!

It's a blistering 112
degrees and climbing, folks!

The hottest Christmas Eve on record.

But don't worry.

We've got all the cool Christmas classics

To get you in that holiday spirit.

You could just tell him

That he can call anytime day or night, okay?

Thank you. Bye, bye.

How does Santa land his
sleigh if there's no snow?

I'm sorry, honey, what was that?

Santa's sleigh--

How does he land here if there's no snow?

[car horn]

Move it!


I don't know how anyone deals
with Christmas around here.

Although we're new to the area,

My agency handles every
aspect of small business marketing.

In fact we optimize public awareness through...

Look, I'm really not interested.

You know, if I could just show
you a few samples of my work.

I'm not interested, lady.

It's Christmas Eve!

Can't you see I'm busy?

Any more business meetings today, mom?

Well, if we...

Can you help me pick these up?

Mom, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Thanks for asking,

Um, okay, no more business today.

We'll head home. What do you say?


Look, mom, little tiny Christmas stockings.

Oh, yeah, those are cute, honey.

Come on.

They're two dollars.

Oh, no, thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, Merry Christmas to you.

Hey, Judy!

Check it out.

I made a new list for Santa.

I emailed it this morning.

Wow, that's a lot of stuff.

I've been good.

Hello, Molly.

Oh, hi, Doris.

Merry Christmas.

Doing last minute shopping?

Oh, you know.

Me, too.

Don't you just love this weather?

They say it's going to be the
hottest Christmas on record.

It's different.

You'll get used to it.

Beats shoveling all that snow, huh?

Gosh, I love the sunshine.

Sunshine doesn't agree with me.

Why's that?

Well I burn.

I burn real badly.

Oh, dear.


Merry Christmas.

Okay, Brian, we've got to go get some charcoal

For our Christmas bar-b-cue.


I'll see you around.

Bye, Judy.

Merry Christmas.

Do you think Santa gets a sunburn like you?

Well, he's suppose to be Scandinavian, isn't he?

I thought he was from the north pole.

Well, you know.

Scandinavian descent is what I meant.

Mom, does Santa have high cholesterol like dad?

Where do you come up with this stuff?

Well, if he eats milk and cookies

At every house in the
world, couldn't he be at risk?

But I think he probably has a great cardiologist.


Yeah, hello, honey.

Are you still at work?

Ah! What?

Yes, I'm still here.

When are you getting home?

Oh, I don't know.

They have a company tradition

Of having a Christmas pool party.

I just wish someone would have told me.

I take it you're a little over-dressed.

Oh, that would be an under-statement.

Let me know when you're on your way.

I have a few stops for you to make.

Yeah, I remember.

I gotta get Judy's

Panda play-pal set, right?

I'll stop and get that on the way home.

Okay, thanks.


Oh, oh, oh.

Welcome back.

I knew that wire tap would pay off.

I knew he'd come back.

You're good, chief.

Should I get the shotgun?


That won't be necessary.

Just cover me.

Welcome to town, Max.

Is that you, Spivak?

It's Chief Spivak.

And you're under arrest.

What are you talking about?

What for?

Oh, I think you know.

Outstanding warrants.

What about my bike?

Don't you worry about that.

You won't be needing it where you're going.

Yeah, welcome back.


Mikey, come on.

That your girlfriend?

So, are you making some new friends?


Can we just go?

Mikey, did you ask Santa for a new skateboard?

Mike asked for an encyclopedia program

To help him with his homework.


Mister Emerson, the budget meeting has been moved

And the board of directors

Needs the revised expansion proposal.

Carla, Carla. It's Christmas Eve.

I'm going home.

And the city called.

They say there aren't enough proposed

Parking spaces for the New Year's celebration.

They won't give you a permit,
and they need to talk to you.

You would think for one day out of the year

I wouldn't have to take home piles of work?

That's not all.

The event staff said...

Carla, Carla

We'll deal with it on Thursday.

I'm sorry, Mr. Emerson, but I'm on vacation.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, Judy, those are beautiful, honey.

Good job.

Yes, I was holding for Mr. Bailey.

Mr. Bailey's in a meeting right now.

I understand.

May I have your name please?

Molly Emerson.

Hold on one moment.

Thank you.

Now do we put them in the oven?

The oven, the sidewalk.

It's all hot.



Hey, how's my little peanut?

Good. We're making cookies.

Mmm, yummy.

Miss Emerson?

Mr. Bailey's got a flight to catch.

Yes, I understand but if I could just...

Yes, he's off to China on holiday.

I'll see that he's got your number

And that he calls you back.

Okay, thank you.


Happy Christmas.

You, too.

Hi, honey. Who was that?

The Bailey account.

Oh, good news?

No news.

Dad, I was wondering, why does Santa wear red?

Um, probably so airplanes can see him

When he's flying around.


So, how was the Christmas party?

Judy, honey, why don't you go find your brother

So mommy and I talk for a minute.


She's been obsessed about Santa all day.

Did you get the panda play-pal?

They were all out of pandas.

The new shipment didn't come in.

I went to three separate stores looking for him.


All they had left was the talking Teddy.

The talking Teddy?

[bear:] yo, whass-up, homey?

This is the "trash-talking Teddy."

I didn't catch that.

No wonder it was the only thing left.

Your Christmas bonus?

What's that?

That's my Christmas bonus.

It's a turkey!

It was a frozen turkey when I left work.

Oh, Bill, please tell me your joking.

Come on.

You’re joking, huh?

I wish I were.


They move us out here,

Away from our friends and family.

Away from my job.

They work you like a dog, and this is?

This is your Christmas bonus?

Well, I got to go to the pool party.

[phasers firing]

Why didn't you ask Santa for a new skateboard?

Because I knew I wouldn't get it.

But you've been good.

Being good has nothing to do with it.

Maybe we made a mistake moving out here.

Honey, we both said we
were gonna give it a Chance.

Well, maybe we were wrong.

I mean, between your work, and the stress.

And my career is the ghost of Christmas past.

I know, I know.

And this unbearable heat.

No way can I feel any kind of Christmas spirit.

It doesn't feel like Christmas.

I need snow, and cold weather,

And Jack frost nipping at my nose.

I can nip at your nose.

But Santa always brings me what I ask for

When I've been good.


Look Judy, I'm getting an encyclopedia program

Because that's what mom and dad want me to get.

But if you ask Santa...

Santa's not real.

He's imaginary.

Look, Santa Claus is just made up.

For little kids like you.

Santa is real! I know it!

Mommy, mommy!

What's the matter, honey?

Mikey said Santa Claus is make-believe.

Oh, honey.

Mike's just teasing you.

I am not.


She's old enough.

She might as well know.

What's the matter with you?

It's Christmas Eve.

So? It doesn't even feel
like Christmas around here.

I knew when I was her age.

Knew what?

Mommy, Santa is real, isn't he?

Of course he is.

No, no!

Santa Claus is real.

I know he is.

Yeah, honey.

He is real in our imaginations.

No. He's a real person.

He comes down the chimney and delivers toys

To all the boys and girls in the world.

Judy, he's real

As long as you believe he's real.


You're all wrong!

He is real.

And I'll prove it.


You think I can depend on you boys

To uphold law and order around here tonight?

You can count on us, chief.

Have we ever let you down?


I mean, not counting the
Thanksgiving day incident.

Ha, ha! That wasn't our fault.

We had no way of knowing that was mayor Davis

In that turkey suit?

Just keep the peace, all right, boys?

And don't bother me unless...

[together:] it's an absolute emergency.

Roger that.

10-4, chief.

Oh, chief, about the prisoners?

You want us to delouse 'em?

Nah. That won't be necessary.

Let Clifford stay until morning,

Let him sleep it off.

Max, on the other hand.

He's gotta stay until Monday morning--

Have a visit with judge burns.

You're gonna keep me locked up

On Christmas, Spivak?

That's right.

Don't I get something to eat, Spivak?

You can have breakfast in the morning.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

You have a merry Christmas now, sir.

Thank you. You too.

10-4, sir.

Looks like it's just me and you, partner.

Looks like.

Who knows.

Maybe we'll solve a big case

And get our picture in the paper.

Yeah, that'd be so cool.

Hey, Buckley--

How come we always gotta work Christmas Eve?


I wanna wait for Santa.

You know Santa won't
show up unless you're asleep.

I bet he will.

You willing to risk all those Christmas presents?

All right then, hit the sack, soldier.

Sleep tight.

Ha, ha.

Should I put these under the tree?

Oh, they can wait until morning.

It really doesn't matter anymore.

I feel bad for Judy.

Oh, these kids just grow up too fast.

I know.

Is seems like Christmas isn't what it used to be.

Well, what do you want to do?

Move back east?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just depressed.

About Christmas?

Yeah, that and the fact
that I used to be somebody.

A year ago I was an account
exec on Madison avenue.

And now I can't even get
anybody to return my calls.


You'd probably feel a lot better if we were

Back east with a big,
huge, white blanket of snow.


A white Christmas would be magic.

You know I could crank the
air conditioning way up high,

And we get out a comforter.

Pretend like we're back east?

Nah, it doesn't matter.

Christmas is just another day.

Well, merry just another day!

Very funny.



Whoa, there.



How's this?

That's cute.


Looks good.






Let me out!!!

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Look, let me out of here now!


Ho. Ho. Ho.

This is not funny!

Bill, wake up.

There's someone down there.

Okay, okay.

[knock, knock, knock]

[Santa:] please, if you're
out there, just let me out.

Hey, daddy!

It's Santa Claus. I trapped him.

Go upstairs and tell mommy to call the police.

But, daddy!

Go, go, go, go.

Honey, what is it?

I don't know.

Go get me my putter.


Get me my 9 iron.


Mommy, it's okay. It's just Santa.


Call the police.

But, daddy, it's just Santa.

I trapped him.

Here, dad. You gonna bop him?

Get upstairs, go.

Please kids, go upstairs like your father said.

Oh, mom, I wanna see this.

I know, I know.

Go upstairs, please.

[Santa:] I hear the children.

Open the door little girl.

All right, I hear you.

Right, that's right.

Merry Christmas, Bill.

Who are you?

It's Christmas Eve.

You were expecting the Easter bunny?

Yes, yes.

Hello, is this the police?

We have an intruder in our house.

No, no, no.

I'm not an intruder.

You left cookies and milk.

How'd you get in here?

How do you think? I came down the chimney.

Santa, Santa, I knew you'd come!

Merry Christmas, Judy.

Oh, and thank you for the cookies.

They were delicious.

Me and mommy made them.

Judy, stay back!


1225 Navidad Lane. Please hurry.

Thank you.

They're on their way.

Whoa! Radical disguise, dude.

Oh, no Mike, this is no disguise.

How'd you know my name?

I know everyone's name.

I'm Santa.

I told you.

Kids, go upstairs, please.

But, mom!


Hey, just keep your hands

Where I can see them, fat boy.

Oh, please, Bill. I'm not fat.

Just big-boned.

How does he know all our names?

Have you been stalking us?

I know everyone's name.
It's in my job description.

Will you go upstairs, please.

No, mom!

I wanna see dad bop him.

Would you go upstairs!

I'm not gonna bop anyone.

Unless, of course, I have to.

Easy now, Bill.

Don't raise that blood pressure.

We all know where that can lead to.

What are you going to do with him, dad?

I'm sending him to jail.

Where he belongs.


We'll hold him overnight and you can come by

In the morning and file a complaint.

Overnight! No, that won't do.


Bill, think this over.



Let's see now, I go by several names.

Kris Kringle, saint Nicholas,

Father Christmas...

Why don't you just tell me

The one that's on your driver's license?

I don't have a driver's license.

Most people in these parts like
to refer to me as Santa Claus.

You got any id?

I don't usually need it, you know?

[phone ringing]


Evenin', chief.

Buckley, this better be good.

Sorry to bother you, sir.

But we picked up a prowler

On a breaking and entering over on Navidad Lane.

Anybody hurt?

No, no, sir.

We got the perpetrator in custody

And it's all under control.

It's just I had a question, sir.

He has no id and he claims
his name is Santa Claus.

Santa Claus?

Yes, sir.

Do you think that's funny, Buckley?

I mean he's got the beard and the suit.

It's not the mayor, is it?

Definitely not, sir. We checked.

But I've got to admit

He's the most convincing
Santa Claus I've ever seen.

But I am Santa Claus.

You be quiet.

Buckley, it's Christmas Eve.

I thought I told you not to disturb me

Unless its an absolute emergency.

And I do apologize, sir.

It's just that I don't know

What to put down on the report.

Run his prints.

Add vagrancy to the charges.

I will deal with it in the morning.

And Buckley, do not call me again

Unless it's a life or death situation.

Roger that, chief.

Sorry to bother you, sir.

You have a merry one, now.

And, Buckley?

Yes, sir?

Get you feet off my desk.

Yes, sir.


Brian, is that you?

Get off the phone and go to bed.

Santa Claus.

Okay, Santa Claus it is.

Back off!

Merry Christmas, Max.

What so merry about it?




Honey, wake up please

I think there's somebody on the roof.


What are you talking...?

[bells jingle]

There is someone up there.

Do you want me to get your 9 iron?

[hoof steps]








What's going on?






Bill, speak to me.



Honey, say something.



What is it?

What did you see?


Santa's reindeer?

Yeah, yeah.

They were Santa's reindeer.

They just took off from our roof.

See? I told you.

Bill, we have to get you to the hospital, now.

No, no, no, I'm fine.

Look, look.

Honey, I know what I saw.

It was the most amazing thing.

I think you have a concussion.

No, honey, I'm fine.

Yes, I do.

They were waiting for Santa.

Yeah, that's right.

They were waiting for Santa.

I know.

Okay, daddy isn't feeling well right now.

Daddy's in shock and I'm calling an ambulance.

No, no, no, honey.

I'm fine.

Daddy, you've got to get Santa out of jail.


She's right.


Bill, Bill.

Oh, no, she's right.

I've gotta go to the police station

And bail out Santa.

Are you out of your mind?!

Bill, honey, I really think we
need to get you to the hospital.

The hospital?

No. Santa's down at the police station.

I gotta go down there and get him out.

Listen to yourself. You're talking crazy.

No, mommy, he's right.

Look. I'm just gonna go down there,

I'm gonna drop all the charges.

And then I'm gonna be back in a jiffy.



Bill, Bill?

Cool, mom.

Dad's gone totally bonkers. Heh, heh.

A lot of bad Santas here.

[phone plays jingle bells]

Should we answer it?


Boss, this is elf one.

You're way behind schedule.

What are your coordinates?

Who are you trying to reach?

Wait, who is this?

What are you doing on Santa's hotline?

This is officer Buckley of the...

Officer Buckley, hold on.

Oh, the same dufus that arrested
mayor Davis on Thanksgiving?

Hey, now. Wait a minute.

That was a mix up and it wasn't our...

No, you hold on.

Put Santa on the phone, now!

Can't do that, he's incarcerated.

You sure are a few nuts short of a fruitcake,

You know that?

Hey, now, wait a minute, mister.

No. Unless you want to be

Responsible for ruining
Christmas for all eternity,

You'll put Santa on the phone, now.

We'll see about that.



Who was it?

Some wiseguy.

Officer Buckley, was that for me?

Nope, wrong number.

Wrong number? That's impossible.

I've gotta get out of here.

If I don't make my appointed rounds tonight

It will ruin my perfect record.

Millions of children all over the world

Will lose Faith in me.

It will nullify my very existence, Max.

Look. I don't know you.

And you don't know me.

So how do you know my name is Max?

I know everybody's name.

Did you used to ride with the scorpions?

No, I ride with the reindeer.

I never heard of them.

Merry Christmas, Clifford.

Oh, no, there's two of you.

I'm seeing double again.

You've had too much Christmas cheer, Clifford.


Drop the charges?!

Yeah, that's right.

I changed my mind.

Mr. Emerson, this low life perpetrator

Broke into your home.

You know, he didn't really break in.

I mean it was all kind of a misunderstanding.

I think I can help you get out of here.

Yeah. I'm supposed to be out of here anytime now.

Really, a friend of mine

Is suppose to come down here and bail me out.

You think you can fit into this?

Well, he has no proof of identity

And now we have the
question of the vagrancy charge.

I can vouch for him.

Can you tell me his name?




He likes to be called Santa.

Anyway, look, its Christmas Eve, guys.

Let's just forget about the whole thing?

What about our picture in the paper?

If I don't press the charges

Then you can't really keep him here.

Am I right about that?

Maybe you should call the chief.

I don't think we should bother him.


If that's the way you want it, sir.

I think that would be best.

Okay, Calhoun, get the prisoner.

Okay, yes, sir.


Okay, Santa, this is your lucky night.

No, no, wait, wait.

I'm Santa Claus.

Yeah, right. Nice try.

No, no, please, officer.

Stay put.

No, no, you don't...

Put a lid on it.

Just let me explain

Officer Calhoun.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

I, I'm Santa Claus.

Oh, Santa.

I hope you're gonna forgive me.

I, I mean I had no idea.

Ho, ho, ho.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

[Santa:] I'm Santa Claus.

Officer, wait!

Merry Christmas.

Feliz Navidad.

Well, you win some. You lose some.

Jelly donut, partner?

You buying?

Why not, it's Christmas.

Then I want a sticky bun.



Hello, Brian.

Look what I got.

I got blueberry again and I asked for raspberry.

Sometimes when they don't have a sticky bun

I get a bear claw.

You can put the blueberry away for later.

I'll eat that.

I like the raspberry.

You left the cell open!

No, I didn't.

Well, then I guess

It was one of Santa's elves that did it, huh?

I know I locked it back up.

I swear I did.

We've got to find that biker

Or the chief is gonna have our hides.

This isn't the way to the Emerson house.

I thought we were going to my house.

No, no, no.

I've gotta get my sleigh first.

Here, this way.


Santa, why are you dressed in leather?

Oh, it's my new look.

I think I like the old look better.

Yes, me too.

Did you get the toys I asked for?

Now, Brian, you've got to wait until morning.

I've got some more stuff that I added to my list.

Oh, really.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

A baseball glove, a slot car track,

Game station 3, a pony...

Hey, look who I've got.



Bill, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I really think we should get you to a doctor.

That was quite a fall you took

No, I'm fine, honey. Look, I've got Santa.

Do you really think it's a good idea

To bring a stranger back into our house?

Honey, he's not a stranger.

He's Santa Claus.

Hey, Santa, cool biker ring.

Oh, thanks, kid.

The reindeer left.

So, uh, are you gonna call
them back or something?

The reindeer?

They a biker gang?

Biker gang?

No, the reindeer on the roof?

With the sleigh and presents.

Oh, those reindeer.

Santa's reindeer.


Your reindeer.

My reindeer?


So, you gonna call them back?

I'd love for you to show them to my wife.

She's a kind of a skeptic.

You know?

So, they coming back?

They'll be back.

Rudolf just went out to get something to eat.

By the way, you got any grub around here?

There's more cookies.

I'm talking about real grub, little lady.

Can I, uh, talk to you a minute?

Oh, yeah, sure.

There's plenty of food in the fridge, Santa.

Just, help yourself.

I'll show him.

No, Judy.


Go get the 9 iron.

You gonna bop him, mom?

Just go.

Bill, if this is some kind of
practical joke or something.

Honey, honey, honey.

You gotta understand.

He's the real thing. He is Santa Claus.


Bill, there is no such thing as Santa Claus.


A football helmet,

A titanium space commando action figure,

A cd player...

That's quite a tall order there, Brian.

Oh, I'm not done just yet.

I didn't think so.

Let's see, where was I?

Oh, yeah, a cd player, a kite, an ant farm...


Want some more cookies, Santa?



Um, I don't think that's the right Santa.

What do you mean?

Um, he's got a tattoo.

"born to be bad."

Not exactly the holiday sentiments

You'd expect from Santa Claus.

Here, mom. You gonna bop him now?

I think I've made a terrible mistake.

We've let the good chief down.

He entrusted us to keep the peace, and now look.

We've got us an escaped prisoner on our hands.

It was your idea to go for jelly donuts.

It wasn't jelly donuts

That forgot to lock that holding cell.

I'm telling you, that cell was locked.

Yeah, well, all I'm saying
is we need to find him.

Maybe we should talk to that Santiago guy.

He shared the cell.

Maybe he knows something.

That's a good idea.

Now you're thinking, partner.

Let's go!

You're not Santa.

You're an impostor!

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, kid.

Obviously, there been a mistake.

They must have given me

The wrong Santa at the police station.

The wrong Santa?



[phone rings]

Oh, can I get that?


Who could be at this time of night?

It could be Bailey. They said he was in china.

[phone:] hi, you've reached the Emerson's,

Bill, Molly, Mike, and Judy.

Please leave a message after the beep.

[Bailey:] hello? I'm trying
to reach Molly Emerson.

Sorry I haven't gotten back to you earlier.

But I'm calling from Hong Kong,

And quite honestly...

It is the Bailey account.

Oh, I've gotta get that!

Forget it.

It's urgent that we speak immediately.

No, no, no.

I can be reached at...

No! No!

There goes the Bailey account.

Honey, I am so sorry.


What were you thinking

Bringing this savage into our home?

I'm not a savage.

Look, just take anything you want.

But leave my family alone.

I don't want your stuff.

I just need to borrow your car.

Oh, well, yeah. Go ahead, take it.

Don't worry. Everything's
going to be okay, honey.


You expecting anybody?



Now, I want everybody to be quiet.

I mean real quiet!




Ha, ha.


[Brian:] hey, Judy, you up?

It's Brian.

What's he doing out in the middle of the night?

Open up.

I got Santa Claus!

Brian! Brian! Help!

Somebody shut her up.

Judy, be quiet, please.

Hello, Max?

How'd you get here?

Oh, great, more hoodlums.

Oh, no, honey, this is the real Santa Claus.

At your service.

Santa in black leather?

It his new look.

Hey, why you guys all tied up?

Brian, go get your dad.

Go! Run! Go!

Nobody's going anywhere.

Hey, you've got Santa Claus' boots and pants.

Who are you?

Who are you?

Well, who are you?

Me first.

No, me first!

No, me first.


Sit down, both of you.

You just wait until I tell my dad.

Brian, this is Max.

He used to be a good little boy, just like you.

Yeah, and where'd that get me? Behind bars!

[phone playing jingle bells]

Oh, that must be for me.

Better let me take it.



Officer Buckley.

For the last time, let me speak with Santa.

Who's officer Buckley?

Who is this?

Who's this?

Who is this?

Who's this?

I asked you first!

Who's this?!

This is elf one.

And you're in violation of

The north pole yuletide communication act

By being on this line.

Now put Santa on!

He's mad.

You'd better let me talk.

Sorry, pal, wrong number.



Special ops?

We've got trouble, boys.

Looks like we're going to
have to call in the "specialist."

The elves are probably worried sick.

I'm way, way, behind schedule.

Alright, tell you what.

You give me back my leathers.

Lights are still on.

Must be having a party.

Alright sit down.

You're the real Santa, aren't you?

Of course he's the real Santa.

I busted him out of my dad's jail.

Hold on.

Did you say, "your dad's jai"

That's right. My dad's the chief of police.

And he's gonna get you, fatso.

You'll see.

You're a Spivak.

What's it to you, tough guy?

Brian, would you zip it?

We don't want any more trouble.

Where are the keys to your car?


Now what?


Get rid of 'em, or else!

Come on.

Good evening again, Mr. Emerson.


Sorry to bother you, sir.

We were wondering if we could

Have a word with your friend, Mr. Uh, Claus.

I'm sorry but we're kind of tied up

He means he's not here.

Can you tell us where he is?

No, we don't know where he is.

He was here and then he... He left.

Is something wrong with your neck?

A knot.

You know, like a knot.

You have something in your eye, ma'am?


Something really nasty got in here.

Real nasty.

Really nasty got in here.

See the thing is, we're in somewhat of a bind.

Bind? You mean like in bound?

Oh, we know all about bound.

No, not like that.

Um, bare with me folks.

See, we have an escaped prisoner on our hands.

You don't say.

Right, ma'am.

Since your friend, uh.


Yeah. He shared the cell with him tonight.

We were hoping he could
shed a little light on the situation.

I'm sure he could.


Well, like we said, he's not here.

[Santa's cell phone rings]

Jingle bells.

That sounds like his cell phone.

That's some presents I
wrapped this morning for my kids.

They've just been tinkling away all day.

[singing along] ♪ jingle all the way... ♪

Do you have his telephone number?


I mean, yes.


Okay then.

Well, we'll call from the squad car.

Sorry to bother you so late, folks.

Have a Merry Christmas.

Would you like to come in for some hot cocoa?

Ohh! It's a little too hot for cocoa.

Thanks just the same.


Well, it's Christmas.

What was that number?


You little doggies did a good job.

Now, you just relax.

[phone rings]

Oh, I'll get it.

No, you won't.

[phone message:] hi, you've reached the Emerson's

Bill, Molly, Mike, and Judy.

Please leave a message after the beep.

That's strange.

I thought this was Santiago's number.

You gave them this number?

[answering machine:] hello? Hello?

Mrs. Emerson, I'm confused...

That was the Emerson's answering machine.

Why didn't they answer?

We know they're home.

Something smells fishy around here, cal.

Mighty fishy!

Not me.




He's not there.

You've been in here all night.

No. I was in the garage
putting together the wagon.

You remember last Christmas

When he woke up in the night

And came and opened all our gifts?

-Maybe he's done that again...
-He's out in the back yard?

I've looked. I've looked outside.

I've looked everywhere. He's not here.

Tom, where is he then?

Look, I'm gonna have a
look around the neighborhood

And see if I can find him.
-Maybe he's over at one of the neighbors--

The Sherman’s, with their pile of gifts,

Opening up one of them?

You think so? That's just not right.

I'll have a look around the neighborhood.

I'm sure he's just fine.

Just call me if he shows up, all right?


Don't worry.

Wait a minute.

My keys.

My keys are gone.

What keys?

The keys to the station.

You think Brian took them?

I'm sure that I put them right...

Santa Claus!

You're saying Santa Claus took your keys?
-No, Brian.

I bet...

I'm going down to the station.

He's probably there.

Don't worry.

Santa Claus?

Don't worry, I'll call you.

Oh, Brian.

He's got the whole bunch of 'em tied up in there.

The chief's son, too.

Those cops haven't left yet.

You got a back door?


It's in the kitchen.

Maybe we should call him.

[together:] I think this is
an absolute emergency.


One down, eight to go pussy cat.

Santa, can't you just sprinkle
some magic dust or something,

And get us out?

I wish it was that easy, Judy.

Mike said you were make-believe,

But I told him he was wrong.


What are you, wacko?

You don't like presents?

No, Brian, Michael is not wacko.

Lots of people think that I'm make-believe.

You might be able to fool these little guys.

But I'm too old for that kind of stuff.

No one is too old to believe in Santa Claus.

Not even you, Molly.


But we all have to grow up sometime.

It has nothing to do with growing up.

As you can see, I'm alive and well.

What do you think he's going to do with us?

Don't worry.

Max is really a pussy cat.

He just likes to act tough.

Well, he is Santa Claus.


Mom, why can't you believe?

Judy, please.

I don't believe in miracles.

No offense.

None taken.

I'm sorry, Santa.

It's all my fault.

Now kids all over the world won't get any toys.

No toys?!

Hey, wait a minute!

You sure you haven't been to my house yet?

That's right, Brian.

Then we haveta get you going!

Hey, mister.

Do you know who you're holding here?

Yeah, a little spivo.

No! Santa Claus.

He's got a lotta toys to deliver
and you're holding him up.

Oh, I'm holding him up?

Well, let me tell you something
about Santa Claus, buster.

[bullhorn:] Max Hurst!

Come out with your hands up.

Max, we know you're in there.

We've got the place totally surrounded.

But, chief, there's no one around back.

Would you shh!

Alright, come on, Max.

Give it up.

You'd better stay back, Spivak!

I got hostages.

Including your snot-nosed kid!


Hey! Who you calling snot-nosed?

Okay, Max.

Look, don't do anything rash.

We can work all this out.

You just gotta show us some good Faith.

Send out one of the hostages.

No way!

What is it you want?

What is it I want?

What is it I want?

I'm sending out a list of my demands.


Who does he think he is?

Chief, do you want us to notify

The state police, FBI, the media?


We can handle this.

What's going on, honey?

I don't know.

Boss, standard procedure...

This is not a standard situation, Buckley.

You got a problem with that?

How did he get out, anyway?

Whoa! Who are you?

Elf ranger bob.

North pole special ops.

Seek and recovery unit.

You Buckley?

No, I'm just sleepin' it off.

I don't have much time, so
please, be concise and factual.


Why little guy, I'm Santa Claus.


Read it.

I want my Harley back,

With a full tank of gas,

And all the charges dropped.

That's it?


And an apology.

From your father.

And you call yourself an outlaw?

Get out there, little spivo.

Oh, fine.

There's a hostage coming
out with a list of demands!


Come here.

Son, are you alright?

Yeah, I'm good.

I got the demands.

Harley, full tank of gas, all charges dropped.



That's what he wants?

Oh, yeah.

And this too.

Baseball glove, slot car track, game station 3...

A pony?!


Max, may I ask you a question?


Why are they after you anyway?

It's just an old personal grudge
between me and sheriff Spivak.

He's always had it in for
me ever since we were kids.

Did you go to school with chief Spivak?

Not exactly, but we did grow up near each other.

Brian's daddy?

You were quite the big bully
back then, weren't you, Max?

It was just kids stuff.

We were just fooling around.

Max, what exactly are the charges against you?


W-what was that?

Traffic violations.

You're holding us hostage

Because of some speeding tickets?


Actually, they're parking tickets.

[together:] parking tickets!

Major titanium space commando action figure,

Inline skates, a cd player?

Cd player?

Where am I suppose to find a cd player

At 2:00 in morning on Christmas Eve?

Mega mart on route 111's open 24/7.

They got free candy canes and eggnog.

Alright, that's it!

People, go back to your homes, please.

There's nothing else to see here.

Boys, lock and load.

No, dad!

Santa Claus is in there.

Brian, I'm sending you home.

Somebody get my wife on the phone.

No way, I'm staying.

You can't shoot Santa!

There's no sign of Santa

Or officer Buckley at his place of employment.

Let me tell you something about officer Buckley.

It says here he loves jelly donuts.



I'll recon the area.

Alright, Max.

This is your last Chance.

Either you're coming out or we're coming in.

What about my demands?

Forget it!

You're not getting a pony.

Aw, c'mon, dad!

Brian, please, daddy's working.

Get in the car.

I didn't say nothing about no pony.

Alright, Max, that's it.

We're coming in!

Hold on, Spivak.

This is just between you and me.

Now look.

I'm sorry I gave you wedgies when we was kids.

But that was a long time ago.

Get over it!



Like when you pull your underwears up

All snug and stuff.

Ha, ha, ha.


I don't know what you're talking about.

But I'm giving you 2 minutes to give yourself up

Or we're coming in.

Okay, get right in his face.

Got it.

Are you chief Spivak?

Who wants to know?

Brook berry, KTAG news.

Tell me, chief Spivak, is Santa
Claus being held hostage?

Don't be ridiculous.

It's Christmas Eve.

Don't you people have lives?

Don't any of you have lives?!

You gave chief Spivak wedgies?

[laughing] humm!


You came back for a
certain reason this Christmas,

Didn't you, Max?

You came home to see your mom.

How did you know?

Your mother lives here?


That's so sweet that you wanted to see her.

Yes, and its not too late.

You can still see her.


Well how am I gonna get outta here?

I can help.

We can all help.

Now you want to help?

It's his mother.

I have a plan.

But you've got to trust me.

And help me deliver some very special gifts.

Please, Mr. Max biker, sir...

For kids and for Christmas everywhere.

I ain't goin' back to jail.

You won't. But I need all your help.

What do you say, Max?

Okay, Spivak, you win.

I'm coming out.

Alright, Max.

Come out backwards with your hands in the air.

And no funny business.

Alright, boys.

Get ready.

Here he comes.

Hold on.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Get him!-- Get him!

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

That's not Max.

It's not the mayor, it is?

It's Santiago!

No, it's Santa Claus.

Hello, Brian.

Hello, Santa.

He's still inside, boys.

Let's get him!

Ow! Ow!

Come on! He's getting away!

Come on, cal.

They're gettin' away, hurry!

Hurry, go get em!

Get em!

That's right, the Emerson house.

With a tailwind I can make it,

But we've got to hurry because...



Are you there?

Oh, they're out spreading Christmas Joy, Tom.

Do I know you?

Well, we met many, many years ago.

I'd love to stand here
and talk with you about it.

But I don't really have time.

Now can I please have my little phone back?

Oh, you thought you could
pull a fast one on me, didn't you?

You're under arrest.

Dad, you can't arrest Santa Claus!

He's an accomplice, Brian.

He aided, abetted, allowed my prisoner to escape.

Now hold on a minute.

Tell it to the judge.


Elf ranger, bob.

Santa just tried to call from
the Emerson house, copy?

You can let me out anywhere around here.

But you promised to help deliver Santa's gifts.

And he gave USA special list.

You got to come with us.

Santa saved you from going to jail.

You gave him your word.

What would your mother say?

All right.

Where's the first stop?

Memorial hospital.

Step on it.

Let's get this over with.

You don't understand.

If I don't make my deliveries tonight

It will ruin a perfect record.

I've been doing this job for a very long time.

It's a high pressure job and
it's not getting any easier.

Uh-huh, I see.

Do you realize that you're putting

Thousands of elves out of work?

Think what that'll do to the world economy?

Hey, tell me where Max is,

You'll be on your way.

You and I both know that you have nothing on Max.

You're just holding a residual anger

From the time you two were young.

That's the quickest way to get an ulcer.

I happen to know you're on your way.

Wait a minute.

How do you know my name?

No, forget that.

Forget that.

Go back to the beginning.

Where is Max?

I don't have time for this, Tom.

Hey, who are you?

No worries, bro.

Go back to sleep.

What do you want?

I'm here to deliver some presents.

Yeah, right.

Who do you think you are, Santa Claus?

Not exactly.

But I guess you can say he sent me.

He sent you?

Here, this is for you.


It's the shred deck deluxe

You kinda are like Santa Claus.


When you get better maybe we can go

Ridin' together sometime?

That'll be awesome.


Is everything all right?

That's Kyle Fletcher.

This is the Guy I replaced at work.

This is the Guy whose workload

You're supposed to live up to?



What happened to him?

Heart attack.

Stress related.

Sounds like somebody I know.


Not any more.

Come on.



Santa, is that you?

Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas, little fellah.

Wow, it's really you!

Listen you better get to bed

So you can open your presents in the morning.


I love you, Santa.

Well, I.

I love you, too, uh.


Off to bed now.

Let's go Santa.

We have a tight schedule.

That was very good.

Ho, ho, ho.

[Teddy:] yo.

Whass up, homey?

So, you're telling me that Max Hurst

Is out there delivering Christmas presents

To the less fortunate?

Oh, please. Don't make me laugh.

Max Hurst is as mean as they come.

He's got a heart of Stone.

Now wait a minute, Tom, please.

Max is not as bad as you make him out to be.

He came all the way back to this town

To see his mother for the holidays.

He hasn't been here for years.

You remember his mother?

She was your little den mother.

Remember, when you were young?

[Santa's phone rings]

May I, please?


Oh, yeah.

I know, I know, yes.

There's been an unexpected delay.

[elf:] tell me where you are.

Alright, I'm at the police station.

[elf:] what?!




Who was that, Santa?

North pole command center.

That's so cool!

I've come across a lot of
con men and sham artists

In my line of work.

But you take the cake, mister.

Get up.

Get in the cell.

Wait, wait, wait.

You don't believe me, right?

Alright. Suppose I'll tell
you exactly where Max is.

I'm all ears, Santa.

Last stop everyone.



How come they're sleeping outside?

Oh, honey, they're homeless.


Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

We have some gifts for you and your children.

Oh, well, thank you, but we couldn't.



We were sent by Santa.


I've been saving a cookie for him.

He's usually here earlier, you know.

I wonder what's been keeping him?

It's a long story.

Are you gonna be all right?


It's Christmas Eve.

It's the best night of the year.

I meant, out here.

Without a home?

Me and my family, we'll get by.

We've got each other.

And we've got love.

I don't know how you do it?

Well, it's hard sometimes.

And sometimes I get down.

But it's Christmas.

Can't be down about that.

It's a time for giving.


Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

You're a very strong lady.

I suspect you are too.

God bless you.

God bless.

Merry Christmas.

[together:] Merry Christmas.


I think I'm getting my holiday spirit back.

Oh, good. I'm glad.

I'm sorry that I was so down
and selfish about my career.

I think I was--

I don't know.

Getting my priorities mixed up.

And you were afraid you
were losing your identity.


Well, I think I'm just now discovering that.



Nobody move.

Hold it right there, Max!

Thought you could pull the wool over our eyes,

Didn't ya?

No, wait a minute.

Guys, you don't understand.

Oh, we understand all right.

Hey, hey.

Max hasn't done anything wrong.

He's our friend!

And he helped Santa.

Unit 2 to unit 1.

We got him, chief.

[chief] what about the hostages?

They appear safe.

But I think he's got 'em brainwashed.

Good work, boys. Bring him in.

Roger that.

Hey, guys.

Look, you're making a mistake.

Hey, Max did nothing wrong.

He was helping us...

You can't do that to Max.

Come on!

[indistinct yelling]

You are not to say another word.

Brian, I need you to be quiet!

You have the wrong guy.

Would you please take your family home.

It's Christmas Eve!

There's no Justice in this world!



Everybody quiet!


Thank you.

Thank you.

Alright, it's time for you people to go home.

I've got my prisoner in custody.

And I don't want to hear another word about it.

Except for you, fat man.

You aren't going anywhere.

I'm booking you as an accomplice, buddy.

But, dad!

Brian, quiet.

You'll ruin Christmas for everybody!


Chief Spivak, you can't arrest Max

For giving you wedgies.

Or can you?

[together] can he?

Buckley, Calhoun.

Put the prisoner in custody.




Santa, we'll get you out.

[indistinct yelling]

I can't hear you.

Oh, will you look at that.

You have no right to be in charge here.

Go home!

Go home!

Take your family home!

[yelling continues]

Got a visual on the boss.

Send in the reindeer.

[yelling continues]

I'm going in.

Liberate Santa Claus.



Stop it!

Who's he?

My little friend.

Here's our big Chance. Give me back my clothes.

Now, wait a minute!

Get down!

Why you!



I've got your back.

Let's go, Santa!

You have a merry Christmas, Max.

And good luck.

Thanks. You too.

Not so fast.

Ow! Ow!

Stop it!

Merry Christmas to all.

And to all, a good night!

Who was that?

That was Santa.


See, dad. I told you.

He was Santa.

Well, I'll be.

Now do you believe me?

Yes, honey, we believe.

And we're so sorry for doubting you.

You think he'll finish his rounds tonight?

Yeah, I bet he will.

I can't believe it.

We had Santa Claus in our very own jailhouse.

That would have made the papers.

And we didn't even get a picture.

That's it.

Tomorrow, I'm getting with the program.

Come on, please?

Just let him go.

It's Christmas.

We gotta get Max outta here.

I give up, Spivak.

You win.

You really came to town to see your mom?

Yes, I did.

I got tired of spending Christmas alone.

I came to realize

We've only got a few of them left.

And we'd better make the best of each one of 'em.

I couldn't agree more.

Well, I'm sure she'll be
real happy to see you then.

Not like this.

Behind bars?

Anybody wanna press charges?

Against Max?

No way!

We're friends.


Well, alright then.

You're free to go.

Go on.

You mean it?


Merry Christmas.

Well, thank you.

Same to you.

You know, Spivak.

You've got a real good boy here.

He sure looks up to you.

You oughta be real proud of him.

I am.

I am.

Thanks, Max.

Well, I will never forget tonight.

Oh, it was special for all of us.

Good luck, Max.

Thank you.

Later, dude.

Hey, dude.

I've got something for you, lil' dude.

Merry Christmas.


Thanks, Max.


Thanks, Max.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you sweetheart.

Say hi to your mom for me, huh?

I'll do that.

Merry Christmas.

Bye, Max.

Merry Christmas.

What do you say we hit the donut shop?

You buying?

Nah, its my treat this time, boys.

And I hope you aren't busy tomorrow afternoon.

Come over to my place for
my family Christmas barbecue.

Roger that, chief.

And thank you.

That's a big, 10-4.

Merry Christmas, ya'll.

[together:] Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.


Guess I'll lock up the shop.

Meet you over there.

Wake up, wake up!

Wake up, wake up!

It's Christmas!

It's Christmas!


Santa did not forget us.

A new skateboard.


Look at these clubs.

And panda play-pal!

Mom, what did Santa bring you?

Oh, honey.

Santa's brought me plenty.

They don't deliver these things on Christmas.


It's got your name on it.

The Bailey account.

I'm hired.

I'm hired.

Yea, mom.

That's great, honey.


Everybody, check this out!

What is it?

A white Christmas.

A white Christmas--

Just what you wanted, honey.

It's a Miracle.

I thought you said you
didn't believe in miracles.

Well, I didn't believe in Santa Claus either.

But I do now.

Merry Christmas, honey.

[radio announcer:] Merry Christmas, everyone.

The mercury is already up to 98 degrees.

But this just in.

It's snowing on Navidad Lane.

Well, at least somebody's
having a white Christmas.