The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006) - full transcript

SANTA: Ho ho ho.

(CHUCKLES)

MRS. CLAUS: All right, class,
if a reindeer leaves Elfsburg

flying west at
20 miles per hour,

and another
reindeer flies east

travelling at 50
miles per hour,

how many hours does it take
for them to be
210 miles apart?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Trish.

How come we can't learn
the things we want to?



Like what?

Like...

Wasn't it weird
when you married Santa

and had to
move to the Pole

and give up your old life?

Weirder than you can
possibly imagine.

But then something
so gigantic happened

that it changed
Santa and me forever.

Like what?

Okay.

(SCREAMING)

Baby Claus is on the way.

Ladies, keep up.
We need hot water
and a lot of ointment.

You, think sugar plums.
Do not panic! Do not panic!



(MRS. CLAUS SCREAMING)

Curtis, the baby's coming.

The baby's coming.

Mrs. Claus, the baby's coming.

I know!

(ALL SHOUTING)

(WHISTLE TWEETING)

Deep breaths.
Oh, oh, oh! Whoa!

That's gonna leave a mark.

(PANTING)

(SCREAMING)

Push.

(PANTING)

Oh, oh, Scott.

Everything's
gonna be all right.

Where's Dr. Hismus?

Oh, oh, Scott.

I'm right here, babe.
I'm right here.
It's all right.

Honey, I'm afraid
it was a false alarm.

(ALL GROANING)

Again?

GIRL: I stopped
a pedicure for this?

MRS. CLAUS: ♪ Bells on
bobtails ring
Making spirits bright

♪ What fun it is
to ride and sing
a sleighing song tonight

♪ Oh, jingle bells, jingle...
Jingle... ♪

(LAUGHS)

Scott! Scott, come here.

Come here for a second.
Come here.

Scott, come here.
Come here,
come here, come here.

Okay.

(HUMMING)

Ready? Wait for the kick.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way ♪

He's a genius.
He?

She. She's brilliant
like her mother

with rhythm like her dad.

Yes. But not
amazing timing.

I wish that the baby
had come this afternoon,

or last week
like we thought.

I'm going crazy.
I mean,
I'm really going crazy.

You need a diversion.

No, no, Scott.

No more gifts. You already
gave me a birthstone necklace,

oven mitts, the cheese wheel.

This is not for you.

This is for the baby.
I'll be back in a jiff.

SANTA: Ho ho!

Ho!

(LAUGHS)

Ho!

That never gets old.

Okay, now what do we have
in the bag for a baby?

Well, oddly enough,
we have a baby bag.

And inside that baby bag,
let's see what it is...
We have...

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, Scott!
Oh, honey, it's beautiful!

The baby's gonna love it.

Yeah.
It spins around like this.

(KNOCKING)

Oh. Later. Come on in.
Hey, doc.

Dr. Hismus,
I'm glad you could come.

How are you
today, Mrs. Claus?

I'm a little concerned
because the baby
hasn't come yet.

No need to worry,
Mrs. Claus.

Santa! The production line
has been set
back so far behind

we need you on the floor.

I can't come down now.
It's impossible.

Still mapping
the sleigh route.

Got plenty of
work to do up here.

Have you even
checked this list once?

I have perused it.

Help me help you.
Help me help you.

Let's start with your
blood pressure, okay?

Help me help you
help you help you help me

help me help you.

DR. HISMUS: Don't be nervous.

It'll be done
before you know it.

Help you help me
help you... Help me

help you.

One more thing.

The Council of
Legendary Figures
called a meeting.

I can't leave the Pole
and go to a council meeting.

They know.
That's why they came.
SANTA: Here?

Here.
Where?

In the kitchen.
In the kitchen?

Is there an echo in here?

Okay, okay. You know what?

Sweetheart,
I'm feeling much better.

I think that I'm
going to go on a walk,
which is great for the baby.

You stay here
and have your
blood pressure taken,

which is great, and I'm gonna
go see what's down the hall.

(SIGHS)

Hi, ladies.

Honey?

Honey.

Carol.

Anything I can
do for you, ma'am?

No, thanks.

Care for some company?

Not from you, Mr. Claus.

Why not?
Because you can't
spend time with me

and get the toys ready.
I understand completely.

You do?

Of course I do.

I just hope
you're not delivering
when I'm delivering.

I'm not gonna
let that happen.

Carol,
there's no way I could...

Nice chrome work, Lenny.
That is so workin'!

LENNY: Thanks, Santa.

Yeah, baby, yeah.
All right.

Look, I know this is
all a bit
overwhelming to you, but...

Wait a minute. Stop.

Did you see this?
Amazing technology.

Look at this. It's a duck.
It quacks in three languages.

El ducko says "quacko."

Le duck says "quack."
Il duck-e say "quack-e."

Things can't help me
right now, sweetheart.

Hey, come back-e.

It's people that I need.

You know, family.

Ho ho ho! Family?

We are your family.
Right, elves?
We're her family, right?

ALL: We love you, Mrs. Claus.

Taller family.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Human family.

(SOBBING)

Oh, sweetheart,
anything but the tears.

I'm sorry. Thank you.
It's okay.

(GRUNTS)

It's an impossible
situation.

And if I didn't want to
be with you so much,
I would go home.

But I can't have
it both ways.

(SIGHING) I guess
I just...

(SNIFFLING)

Wait a minute.

Hey. Maybe you can.

I can what?

Have it both ways.

MRS. CLAUS: How?
I can bring home here.

You can?
You can?

Carol, I'm gonna bring
your parents up here.

My parents?
Her parents?

(ELVES GROANING)

Elves!

Sir, the SOS.

Excuse me?

SOS. Secret of Santa.

There could be
dire consequences.

The possibilities
increase exponentially

that the closely-guarded
secret of

the North Pole's true location
could be compromised

and Christmas as we know it
would cease to exist,

crushing the hopes and dreams
of the world's children

and extinguishing the joy
of Santa's magic forever!

There's that.

He has a point.
My parents
can't keep a secret.

Listen.
Listen, honey,

the reason you came
up here was because of me.

I'm gonna do
whatever it takes
to make this right.

You will?
Yeah.

Yes. Yeah, I will.

You know why?
'Cause what do
they say about Santa?

ALL: He delivers!

Yes!

How are you
gonna pull it off?

My parents think
you're a toymaker
in Canada.

How am I
gonna pull this off?

(GRUNTING)

The answer is in the question.
"How are we going to do this?

"My dad thinks
you're a toymaker
in Canada."

Canada?
Canada.

It's north,
in North America, eh?

Vinegar on
their French fries,

they sit on their
chesterfield to watch
the hockey game.

Shoot the puck, daddy-o!
Come on, everybody!

Elves, everybody listen up.

Grab your hammers,
the in-laws are coming.

(STEAM WHISTLE BLOWING)

(BELL RINGS)

(CHATTERING)

TOOTH FAIRY: Hey, Robbie.
(CHUCKLES)

Virgil, let me
see your teeth.

That's good. Hiya, elves.

ALL: Hi, Tooth Fairy.

Open up. Let me see.
Aah.

Beautiful teeth.

(SNORING)

MAN: Open the doors
if you want to fall in love!

Hey, everybody, look,
Cupid in the house.

Oh, work, work, work.
That's nice to see.

ALL: Hi, Cupid.

What'd I miss?
Where's fat boy?

(CHUCKLES)
Merry Christmas, everybody.

Cupid, what's up? Hey, EB.

Santa.

Molarnator.

Sandman.

Mother Nature, Father Time.
Merry Christmas, again.

Good to see everyone.

Do you really
think it's necessary

to call an
emergency council meeting?

I'm ready to
ride the sleigh,
know what I mean?

Santa, we thought
you should see this.

Silver bells!

I found 270 of
them at shopping malls

scattered
across the Northwest.
Ho ho ho!

I hereby call this
special session

of the Council of
Legendary Figures to order.

This is ridiculous.

(SHOUTS) Sandman!
I'm up, I'm up!

Hey, Cupid, nice skirt.
(CHUCKLES)

MOTHER NATURE: Easter Bunny.
(BANGS GAVEL)

Our first and only
order of business

is the disciplinary
action to be taken

against council
member Jack Frost.

Now that's what
I'm talking about.

(GROANS)

You love it. Am I right?

You guys finally woke up
and are giving
me my own holiday.

(YAWNS)

Frostmas, of course,
is just a placeholder.

I'm wide open.
Frostgiving,
the Frost of July.

Frosthog Day.
The possibilities
are endless.

Jack, you are hereby
charged with 273 counts

of attempted
upstaging of Santa Claus.

You froze a volcano in Hawaii,
you made it snow in the Amazon

and you frosted Mexico,

sending
all of the geese
north for the winter.

You have violated
the Legendary
Figures code of conduct

in a manner that is
both willful and malicious.

Excuse me.
Did you just accuse me

of being
skilful and delicious?

Oh, please.
Guilty as charged.

You herald the season.
You're not a holiday.

You're the best friend,
you're not the leading man.

And you kill fruit.

All in favor of
suspending Jack Frost

from the Legendary Council,
please say...

Wait a minute!
Father Time, wait a minute.

You gotta understand,
I have enormous
untapped potential.

But all I am,
year after year,
is an opening act.

A setup man for Mr. Big.

Jack, why don't you
let that go?

No, no, no.

The same
conversation every year.

You get the soda cans
and the TV specials.

The postage stamps,
the billboards,

the beautiful adoring wife,
and the army of
toy-building yes men.

What do I get?
A few runny noses
and some dead citrus.

You know, Jack,
it's no picnic being me.

Because of our
production problems

a continent
might go without toys
this year. That's right.

On top of that,
I've got to protect
the Secret of Santa this year

(GASPS)

because the in-laws...
The in-laws...

Mr. and Mrs. In Bad Mood
Every Time I Turn Around,

are coming up to the Pole.

They're not supposed to,
I gotta come up
with a solution.

On top of that,
I'm a bit worried
about being a father again

because I wasn't all that good
at it the first time.

Oh, Santa. We had no idea.

Oh, Santa, I'm sorry.

If it were me
in the red suit,

I'd probably go right
to the Escape Clause.

Oh, no, the Escape Clause.
Way too extreme. Really.

Escape Clause?
What's up with that?

Maybe if you'd
attend a meeting
once in a while you'd know.

You manipulate time
but you can't grow hair.

(EXCLAIM)

Legendary? I don't think so.

SANTA: I'm not
evoking the Clause.

I made a commitment.
I'll handle the toys,

and I'll be there
when my wife
delivers that baby.

Let me help.

You've done
quite enough.

No, no, no.
Instead of a suspension,
how about community service?

Oh, please.

What if...
What if I...

What if I tutor myself
at the elbow of the master?

I could lend a hand.
Make some toys,
wrap a few presents.

And if I don't make it
with the hefty man here,

then he says the word
and you suspend me.

Please, Santa.

I know I don't
deserve another chance,
but I am asking you for one.

I want to make things right.

All right.
You don't want
to get suspended?

I'll give you one more chance.

Have to be a Jack
Frost-of-all-trades.

Yes.

You also have to
listen to the elves.
Uh-huh.

Curtis is your boss.
And I mean it.

If there's one,
one icicle out of place,

you are gone.

I will not let you down.

Motion carried.

(HOOF BEATS)

SANTA: Ho ho ho!

Boys, boys,
save it for the stables,
will you?

(GRUMBLING)

Look down there.
They got a new roof.

Easy, easy!

Uncle Scott is here!

Lucy! Coat!

(GARBLED CHATTERING)

(BREAKING WIND)

(LAUGHING)

Comet! Next time we fly,
go easy on the alfalfa,
will you?

(BREAKS WIND)

(LAUGHING)

Uncle Scott.

Hey, Luce. There we are.

There it is.
All warm?

Just like magic.
You have the warmest
hug in the world.

(COMET GRUMBLING)

Hello.
Hi, Comet!

Hey, son.
Hi, Dad.

I missed you so much. Hi.

A few days early, aren't you?
Isn't that baby
due any moment?

Oh, we got lots
to talk about. Hey, Neil.

That's a... That's
a good-looking sweater vest.

It's reversible.

Well, of course it is.

All right,
let's go inside.

Lucy, come on.

(GRUMBLING)

(BREAKS WIND)

(LAUGHING)

Look at that,
it's snowing in Hawaii.

Yeah. It's not really magical
like the one Charlie has,

but I love it.
And now I have 12. See?

You know, I have quite the
snow globe collection myself.

How's Danielle doing?

Good.

Thanks for letting
me go snowboarding

with her and her parents.

You're welcome.
Hey, I brought you something.

Just a little thing. Oh, boy.
What a mess in here.

(MURMURING)

(RATTLING)

(COW MOOING)

(SPRINGING)

(CARTOONISH SOUND EFFECTS)

There we are.

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)

(ROOSTER CROWING)

Wedged behind a wheelbarrow.

Dad! That's awesome!

Thank goodness
it wasn't a car.

CHARLIE: Thanks.

Wow, this is beautiful.

Lucy, sweetheart,
what are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

(LUCY GROANING)

Come on out. Come here.
Come here, come here.

Get out of the bag there.

Why can't I fit inside?

It takes a lot
of practice.

I wish I could come
to the North Pole with you.

I could help Carol a lot
and she loves me.

LAURA: That's true.

And hey, maybe I
should be the one
there for Carol.

You know? I mean, another mom.
I could... I could help.

Hey, maybe...
Girls.

I've got a full sleigh.
You understand my situation.

Now, wait a
minute, Scott.

Let's pause a moment
here and take a
feelings inventory.

(SITAR PLAYING)

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

Let's look at
what you're doing as

an uncle from
a therapeutic standpoint.

Charlie's been
to the Pole.

Your new baby's being born
at the Pole.

Lucy's a member
of this family too,
Scott.

And if you harshly
exclude her from this
formative experience,

you could scar her
for life.

(SITAR PLAYING)

And, consequently,
her parents,

who must accompany her
on long-distance journeys.

Uh-uh-uh.

Please, Uncle Scott.

Can I come to
the North Pole too?

Please?

(SIGHS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, that's
awfully good, isn't it?

Guys, I've done it.

What have you done?

Is it going to
clean itself up?

I don't think so.
Quickly, quickly.

Curtis, I haven't seen
the bearded wonder
around for a while.

Where'd he go?

None of your skis' wax.

No need to be nippy.

With all the stress
I wouldn't blame the big guy

for doing that
escape hatch thing.

Escape Clause.

Right. Little elf woman,
one cocoa, por favor.

GIRL: Right away.
Thank you.

How does that
Escape Clause work, anyway?

Sorry, classified.
Elfland Security Act.

That's just what I'd say.

What?

If I didn't know anything.

Don't be embarrassed.
Makes perfect sense.

Only the big guy would
know the important stuff.

For your information,
I'm elf number one.

(EXCLAIMS)

And I know all there
is to know about the
Hall of Snow Globes.

Everybody knows about the Hall
of Snow Globes.
That's not special.

Not special...

Not special?
It's the most top-secret,

hush-hush,
amazing place in the world.

It's where every Santa
throughout history

has kept his own
personal snow globe.

How can you say that
that's not special?

Because it isn't.

Unless you know what
it has to do with
the Escape Clause,

which clearly you don't.

I bet Santa
doesn't even trust you.

Now, you listen
here, frostface.

Secret Santa
snow globe. Santa.

I wish that I had
never become Santa at all.
Whoosh!

(MAKING WHOOSHING SOUNDS)

Wait, wait, wait,
what's this?

This is the part
where I'm
transported through time

and everything goes back
to the way it was,

like I'd never
become Santa at all.

Ah.

Gets the snow globe,
puts his hands on it,
says the words,

and then whoosh!

Job opening: Santa Claus.

Told you
I know everything.

Wow. I never dreamed
I'd be so well-connected

to elves in high places.

(CHUCKLES)

We really must
party in my condo

in Gstaad sometime.
It'd be fun.

Tell me, how do you get into
the Hall of Snow Globes,
anyway?

Sorry, Jack.
Now that's classified.

I know that, elf number one.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING) Whoo!

Did you bring
the deep-dreamin' stuff?

Got it.

Okay. It's important
that they fall asleep

and they dream they're on
a wonderful flight to Canada.

I'm with the program.
Good.

I may be sleepy,
but I'm not stupid.

Yeah, well,
take the hat off.

I get sniffly
without my cap.

Okay, okay.

All right, all right.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, Dad?

Scott Calvin,
as I live and breathe.

(CHUCKLING)

Good thing you called.

Otherwise I don't know if
I would've remembered you.

Well, it's me,
good old Scott Calvin.

You're looking
a little like Father Time.

Doesn't look
anything like Father Time.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Oh. That's a nice door.

Well, thank you. Yeah.
It was a little sticky,

but smooth as
a baby's butt now.

Come, take a feel.

Oh, why not, huh?

Look at that.

Very butt-like.

Who's your pal?

Sandy. This is
my associate.

He'll be taking
us to the airport.

An associate?
Business must be good.

Busy as usual.

So busy you can't
bring our daughter

to visit her mother
and father once in a while?

Scott.

Oh, so nice to see you.

You too, Sylvia.

And your friend?

Sandy.

Sandy. Nice to meet you.

Do you know how
excited we were
to get your phone call?

See, we get so few,
and each one is special.

Oh, come on,
you guys, you'll catch
pneumonia out here. Come on.

It's so wonderful
to have you all here.

Festive.
Easy.

Please, please sit down.

Oh, no, no, no. No.
We gotta get to the airport.

Kind of a hurry. I suggest
we get your bags and pop
them in the car.

I'm almost packed.
Great!

Throw my underwear in a bag.

It's not like
we're going to
the North Pole.

(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY)

It's cold in Canada.
Well...

Remember when we
went to Yosemite?

Oh, here we go,
Yosemite again.

It was freezing
and there were bears.

How'd you know?
You never left the lodge.

I didn't leave the lodge
because it was freezing.

And there were bears?
Yes! And it was freezing.

BUD: It was freezing weather?

SYLVIA: Yes, it was freezing.

BUD: Let me see
if I understand.

You did not enjoy
the trip to Yosemite?

You heard me.
Yeah, I heard you.

Poof!

(SNORING)

What?

What part of our
plan was not clear?

Let's put them to sleep
when they get into the car.

I just couldn't stand to hear
the Yosemite story anymore.

Okay. So let's figure how
we'll get in the car.
We'll both...

Sandman, what are you doing?

What... Sandman. Sandman!

(SNAPPING)

(SANDMAN SNORING)

Great. Now I get to
throw his underwear
in a bag.

(SNORING)

(WHITE CHRISTMAS PLAYING)

♪ I'm dreaming

♪ Of a white Christmas

♪ Just like
the ones I used to know

♪ Where the treetops... ♪

Hey, Mrs. C.
What you doing?

Oh, hi, Jack.

I'm trying to pick out a tree
the whole family will love.

Ah.

Family.

You know, I cannot imagine
how hard it must be

keeping such a big secret
from your folks.

Oh, you have no idea.

Tell me, Mrs. Claus,
being legendary by marriage,

do you ever find
yourself wondering
if it's all really worth it?

Well, it's definitely
worth it.

I'm sure
dropping your old life

and schlepping all the way
up to the North Pole

has been totally worthwhile.

Yeah.

Probably not one iota,
not even a scintilla,
of regret?

Not one.
Yeah.

Look at that. Oh, dear.

A little sad,
neglected maybe.

Just needs a little
tender loving care

that nobody's
bothering to give,
don't you think?

It's perfect.

I will give you all the TLC
that you need.

Scott loves decorating
the tree with me.

He always insists on putting
the tree topper on himself.

(SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING)

SANTA: Ho ho ho!

(GASPS)
They're here!

(GASPS MOCKINGLY)

This is so exciting.

(SANTA DRIVES A HOT ROD
PLAYING)

♪ Well, Santa's got a hot rod

♪ Santa's got a hot rod

♪ Santa's got a hot rod

♪ Santa's got a hot rod

♪ It's the only way
he can rock 'n' roll

♪ That old Christmas sleigh ♪

(CHEERING)

♪ Now, no offence to
Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen

♪ You know, and all the rest
of those reindeer cats ♪

I'm here! I cannot believe it!
I'm actually here!

(LAUGHING)

What a wonderful surprise.
Didn't know you were coming.

Uncle Scott brought me.
Hey.

And we tagged along!

Hey! Hey! Hi!

Oh, it's tall people...
Not that you're not tall.

Surprise!
Surprise!

Hello!

Oh, you look wonderful.

Really?

You are glowing.

What did you
think of my parents?

They slept the entire trip.

This is amazing!
Can we see the workshop?

Yes. Go right there.
Go ahead.

Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait!

You know that
my mom and dad can't know

we're at Santa's workshop
in the North Pole?

Where do they
think we are?

Welcome to Canada!

Eh?

That was an easy flight.
We cruised right
through customs.

Oh, what a strange flight.

SYLVIA: Mmm.

Go, go, go.

It was like a dream.

And such a nice meal.

They gave you a meal?

I got four nuts in a pouch.

And you had us
sit in coach.

No, that was first class.

And I got a chance to sit
next to Tony Bennett.

Mom! Dad!

Sweetheart! Sweetheart.

Come here.

Oh, you... Oh!

Look at you, look at you.

And look at this,
look at this.
It could be twins.

But since you
married the toymaker,

we don't get
a lot of information.

Oh, honey,
just stop it, okay?

Sweetheart, I am just
so happy to see you, darling.

I'm so happy to
see you too, Mom.

And I'm sure you have
a perfectly good reason

for shutting us
out of your life.

LAURA: Magnificent.

It's amazing.

LUCY: Killer.

Now, please remember,
you're welcome to observe,

but don't touch
anything or interfere
with the toy making process.

I'll make sure
she doesn't get
into anything.

Look! Kobi the Magic Panda
and accessories!

Lucy!

Lucy, come back here.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
Whoa! Trains.

I'm... I'm just
gonna go make a doll!

Oh, excellent job.

Bang, bang!

(CHUCKLES)

(GROWLING)

(CHUCKLES)

Isn't that fun?
Faster, worker elves, faster.

The Hall of Snow Globes,
perhaps?

Hmm.

What might we have here?

It's a lot of beans.

How many beans can he eat?

JACK: Whoo!

Who are you?

Who are you?

You don't
particularly resemble
one of the red man's minions.

What's the deal?

I'm Lucy. Scott's my uncle.

Oh!

I'm Frost. Jack Frost.

Who?

Jack Frost.
You know, the Jack Frost?

Never heard of you.

Jack Frost.

Legendary figure.
Ring a bell?

No. But I know about
Tooth Fairy

and Sandman and
the Easter Bunny.

You got to know about me.
I'm a legendary figure, too,

with enormous
power in my own right.

Okay, okay, chill.

I invented chill!

Sorry.

Hey, how would you like
to be one of my elves?

Uh...

No.

Hey, Mom?

(MOCKING) No.

SYLVIA: What a quaint
little village. Everybody's
just so petite.

No. Tom Cruise is petite.
These people are short.

What's the deal
with them?

Who? What?

Oh, uh...

Have you ever been
to Canada?

No. It's too far.

We did go to Rochester,
New York, once, though,
to visit her sister.

Very lovely place.
But it's not Canada, is it?

No.

SANTA: Well, this is...

This is what
Canadians look like.

Ah.

And stretch.

(SITAR PLAYING)

NEIL: Stretch.

Let all those packages go.

Know that you're enough.

And breathe.

(INHALING DEEPLY)

(EXHALING)

Very good.

Now don't forget
you can do this on your own

whenever you get stressed out.

I won't always be
here to help you.

Stress can reduce your life
by hundreds of years.
Hundreds.

BUD: You take
Christmas very seriously.

The most
wonderful time of year.

(SCOFFS) Yeah!

Oh, honey, just because
you're not into Christmas

doesn't mean
others can't enjoy it.

The kids are not gonna
enjoy their toys this year.

This stuff should've been
in stores weeks ago.

No worries. We have
a unique distribution
system up here.

Well, in order to
distribute this stuff

you're gonna
have to freeze time.

(CHUCKLES)

Trust me, sir.
Manipulating
the space-time continuum

(WHISTLING SOFTLY)

for one-night
global delivery
is the easy part.

Who are you?

Curtis.

Eh?

Who's hungry?

Hey, guys, how you doing?

Listen, come here.
Got some exciting news.

Will put a little spring
into your elfin step.

Santa says he really wants you
to take a break.

So there's a delicious vat
of steaming hot
cocoa in the lounge

with your little names on it.

(MUFFLED CHUCKLING) Mmm.

Oh, it's a tantalizing blend
of full, rich cocoa

with just
a suggestion of vanilla.

(CHUCKLING)

Get in there and
try some, won't you?

It's got your names on it.
Enjoy.

(CHUCKLING)

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

(MACHINE ACCELERATING)

(HUMMING)

A sumptuous
blend of Gold Coast
and Spanish cocoas.

Sweet to the palate,
but, oh, so warm to the tummy.

With a trickle of cinnamon
and orange essence,

enough to drive
the taste buds mad!

Go on.

(ICE CRACKLING)

SYLVIA: Look at this kitchen!

(EXCLAIMS)

Look at the size
of that oven.

You could cook
a woolly mammoth
in there.

Let's have
something to eat.

You got some operation.

You've been holding out.
Why the secrecy?

There's no secrets.
I don't have secrets.

Why? We're family.

Heaven's sakes,
you must be the in-laws.

So very pleased
to meet you.

Hi.

Bud, Sylvia, this is...
Jack Frost.

No, not Jack Frost.
He's playing Jack Frost

in our "Yippee,
it's Canada!" parade.

Oh, yes, of course.
To bring frosty
cheer to the workers.

I'm kind of like
the team mascot, eh?

Rah rah!

Who does your hair?

You like it?
It's... I freeze-dry it.

(BUZZING)

Sir, can I borrow you?

Yeah. Excuse me
just a minute.

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

We have a small
paperwork problem.

You go right ahead.

I'll make sure
everyone's as happy as a lark.

For that's why
I'm here, eh?

Cocoacchinos, anyone?

What's going on?
What's going on?

I don't know, sir.
We're still
trying to assess here!

Uh...

GIRL: Somebody get
me out of here.

We've got a cascade failure
in the motherboard.

You gotta get a rerouter.
You need a solder gun
and a...

I can't see! I can't see!

You need some scissors.

(POWERING OFF)

I'm off to help electrics.

(GASPING)

(HUMMING)

(SNIFFS) Ah.

(ICE CRACKLING)

Kitchen this size,
I can't find a sandwich.

Oh. Oh, let me
help you there.

Oh, for heaven...
How does something like
that happen? Oh, dear.

Cocoacchinos, anyone?

Oh. Yes.

Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.

Let me get you
this chair here.

There we go.
Isn't that lovely?

(BUZZING)

And here you go.
I hope you like it.

Oh, my.

It's my own recipe.

Yes.

SYLVIA: Mmm.

Minty.

Doesn't it make
you feel fresh?

Oh, yes, it does.

Oh, my, I just...
I love your hair.

You do?
Yeah, I do.

I love yours.

Really?

I've never seen
anything like that.

Oh, you're so adorable.

You divine little
kitten, you.

(GROWLS)

And I bet you sing, too.

No, no, no, no. No.

Go on. I bet you can sing.

Maybe a little bit.

I knew it, I knew it.

Sing something.

What would you
like to hear?

How about...

♪ Chestnuts
roasting on an open fire

♪ Jack Frost
nipping at your nose ♪

(SHIVERING)
Oh, I love it.

♪ Yuletide
carols being sung... ♪

No, no,
go back to the other line,
the part before...

♪ Jack Frost
nipping at your nose ♪

Gives me chills.

(LAUGHING)

♪ Jack Frost
nipping at your nose ♪

Oh, what a lyric.

What's going on over here?

Your mother is fabulous!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Would you like to be my elf?

Huh?

You heard me.

BUD: Heads up!

Heads up! Coming through!

Fire! Fire!

Back off! Back off!

Back off!

We got a dangerous
situation. Back off!

Back off! Don't breathe.
Don't breathe in.

What's wrong
with you people?

We were an inch away
from Armageddon.

I'll get a mop.

Oh, Dad, you did great.

Are you all right?
Had to be done.

That was wonderful, honey.

Hi, everyone.
Hey!

Oh, my!
You're awake!

Awake, yeah. Who are you?

Mom and Dad, this is
Scott's ex-wife, Laura,
and her husband, Neil.

Hi.
Their daughter, Lucy.

Hi.

They came to join
us for Christmas.
Isn't that nice?

If Scott is that
close to his ex-wife,

and you don't find that
incredibly threatening,

I'm sure it's very nice.

SANTA: Hi, everybody,
I'm back.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened?

Nothing, except you didn't
tell your in-laws

your ex-wife is
spending Christmas
with you.

More secrets.

(SCREAMING)

(STEAM HISSING)

Nothing works
in this joint.

If you think
this is something,

you should see
the delivery room.

Is there a problem?
I want to see
the delivery room.

What?

Heavy load! Coming through!

Watch your backs, people.

Watch your backs.
Set it down there.

This is the delivery room?
This is not a delivery room.

This is a disaster area.
What's going on here?

SANTA: We're remodeling.
It's gonna be big,
comfortable.

This is a broom closet.

How come the oven
in the kitchen's
bigger?

This isn't a broom closet...
Watch your back again!

(CRASHING)

There we go.
This is the hospital
for the entire toy factory.

How about that, Syl?

Our grandchild
is being born

in a broom closet of
a Canadian toy factory.

Sweetheart,
you can be honest with us.

Don't be afraid. Are you being
held here against your will?

Is there even
a doctor here?

Yes, there's a doctor...

Hello! I'm Dr. Hismus.
Pleasure to meet you, eh?

SYLVIA: This is the doctor?

Very good doctor.

I see.

ELF: Watch your backs.
Excuse me.

We got... What are we
supposed to do
with the wood in here?

Why do we have
wood in here now?

I'm taking over.

No, no, don't be silly.
Just let the tiny
Canadians do it.

Somebody get me an apron
and a hammer.

Apron and hammer!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

SYLVIA: What's happening?

CURTIS: Emergency
in the toy factory!

SANTA: Back in two minutes.

Okay, let's go to work.

GIRL: I got this one.

(COIL SPRINGING)

There it is! I got it!

Look out, coming through.
I got it, I got it.

Go. Boy, these bears.
We gotta make them stop.

It's a great way
to put out an eye.
Shut this thing down!

Hey, cut it off, cut it off.
Right there's the start.
Cut it off.

Oh!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Where are the fire elves?

(BELL CLANGING)

Help.
Give me an aisle. Come on.
Let the professionals at it.

Stay low,
hit the base of the flame.

Sir, sir!

Curtis, Curtis, stop.

If you're gonna
tell me our entire
facility is in ruin,

Christmas is tomorrow,
and for the first time
in history

all the kids of
the world won't get

what they asked
for because I failed,

stop it.

I can't stand
one more piece of bad news.

Well, then, good news, sir.
What?

Your pants are on fire.

SANTA: Fire in the hole!

Captain.

I'm on it, Curtis.

Whoa.

(SIGHING)

Oh, my.
Is there anything I can do?

Why don't you put a chill
on my bottom for me?

Go to
the naughty and nice area
and help the elves clean up.

Go! Move, move, move!

Quickly, move it!
Out of our way!
Stop lollygagging!

Need a status report.

Springs on
the pogo sticks melted.

Let me see, let me see.
I like that toy.

Glenda. Give me
a status report.

Legs on the
ironing board burned up.

Let me see.

Only the wheels are left
on the wooden trucks, sir.

That was my favorite.

The rockets are in pieces,
but the launch
motors are intact, sir.

Launch motors intact?
Get over here.
I think I got an idea.

(DRILLING)

(BUZZING)

(SAWING)

(AIR GUN WHIRRING)

(BELL DINGS)

Jet-powered scooter board.

(CHEERING)

BOY: Way to go, Santa!
Yay.

That's how the men in red
get things done.

We got a schedule to keep.
Let's get back to work.

(MUMBLING INSTRUCTIONS)

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Whoa. You're just amazing.

(CHUCKLES)

Can't keep a good
Santa down, huh?

So, doesn't anything
bother you?

You don't sweat
the small stuff, Jack.

Problem at work,
that's a challenge.

Problem at home,
that's a problem.

Uncle Scott, Uncle Scott,
that was the most amazing
thing I've ever seen.

Wait a minute.
You weren't worried, were you?

Not for a second.

Neither was I.

Uncle Scott, you know
what I've been dying to see?

No.

Your snow globe collection.

All right, you can see it,
if you can catch me.

Watch out, coming through.

Last one up
is a glazed ham!

Okay, now don't
watch what I'm doing,

'cause this is
a very secret code.

Oh, come on, Uncle Scott.

It is.

(CRANKING)

Very secret.

Watch what happens.

Whoo!

Look out, look out!

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Whoa.

LUCY: Where are we?

Well, I think I told you

I have a pretty amazing
collection of snow globes.

This is the Hall
of Snow Globes.

Go on in.

(CHUCKLES)

This is so beautiful,
Uncle Scott.

These are all the snow globes
for all the Santas
that have ever been.

And this one...
That one's mine.

It's my very favorite,
just like you gave Charlie.

Yeah. You know,
I'm kind of partial
to this one myself.

Look, it's snowin'.

Yeah.
You got a good collection.

Too bad you don't
have one like this.

(GASPS)

It's... It's me.

Yeah.

Hugging a snowman.

Oh! And he turns pink!

I told you your warm hugs
were magical.

Thank you for
my present, Santa.

Oh, it's okay.

Well, look at it this way.

One down,
2.6 billion to go.

We better
get out of here.

Hold on, here we go.

(CHUCKLING EVILLY)

(IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME
OF THE YEAR PLAYING)

♪ It's the most
wonderful time of the year

♪ With the kids jingle-belling

♪ And everyone telling you
"Be of good cheer" ♪

While I'm here, do you want me
to put on the tree topper?

Mind if we save it for Scott?
He always puts
the tree topper on.

Of course.

(HUMMING)

It's strange how
much this resembles...

Hi, honey, I'm back.

Oh, honey, are you okay?

Great. Good news is
I get to spend time
with you guys.

Scott.

Sir.

Sorry to interrupt.

There's something
you need to check twice.

(STAMMERING)

Two minutes?

What? What?

(MURMURING INDISTINCTLY)

SANTA: We have a problem.
This is unreadable.

Unreadable because
it's crinkled up.

You gotta flatten it out.
It's gotta be in my office.

Yeah, my office.

Neil?
What?

Let's find Lucy,
get her washed up for dinner.

Leave that here. Leave it.

We'll be right back.

(SIGHS)

Don't worry, honey.

That's not gonna work.

It's busy season.

It's always
his busy season.

That's Uncle
Scott's snow globe.

You're not
supposed to have that.

I know. Isn't it great?

It's not great at all.
You've done a terrible thing.

You'll be on the naughty list
the rest of your life.

But naughty list
people have more fun.

I'm going for help.

I wouldn't do that.

Mom, Dad! Over here, quick!

Lucy!
What?

Come on, hurry!
NEIL: What's wrong?

What's wrong?

LAURA: Sweetheart,
what is it? Huh?

I told you not to do that.

Jack Frost took
Uncle Scott's snow globe

and he knows
that it's not his.

(LUCY SCREAMS)

(ICE CRACKLING)

Stop!

Stop!

Don't! What did you do?

I froze them.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Now, am I gonna have to do
the same thing to you?

Or are you going to
get into that closet

and stay there
without saying a word?

Smart girl.

Oh, smile, will you?

I've had kids beg me
to freeze their parents.

And to think I
asked you to be my elf.

Yes, of course all those bears
are machine-washable.

Right.
Just put it on the card.

Look, I can't be in
two places at once.

You've gotta manage
and stop calling me

every time
something goes wrong.

I'm a little busy
with my family
up here, Curtis.

All I want to see
is busy, busy worker tushies.

Hey, hey, hey,
I'm rolling downhill.

This is not up to code,
this building.

SANTA: You're number one.
Act like it.

Why haven't you put
the tree topper on the tree?

Oh, Scott's just
been a little busy.

Tell your dad to do it.

And then watch the
suddenly displaced
Mr. Claus run right over.

Go ahead.
It'll be fun.

Hey, Dad, do you want to
help me with the tree topper?

Yeah, in a minute.

(GRUNTS)

I don't know
who he is anymore.

I don't know who he
is anymore either.

Neil, Lucy and Laura
should be here for this.

They left a while ago.
I wonder where they are.

Some of the Canadians
invited them over for cocoa.

You know how they are.
Yak-yak, yak-yak, eh?

Scott? Tree topper,
what do you say?

Scott, honey,

let's put the
tree topper on.

We can make a toast.
BUD: Hey, hey!

You built this
on a fault line.

Millions of kids in Australia
will go without gifts.

What can I do?
MRS. CLAUS: Tree topper.

Oh, yeah,
tree topper. Good.

Scott? Toast.

(RINGTONE PLAYS WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS)

Just a second.

Uh-huh.

Good.

Bad. Well,
good for goodness sakes.

Yeah. Curtis,
I can't talk right now,

I'm putting the tree
topper on the tree.

It's very important.
Can't talk.

Please, please,
please, I gotta go. Bye.

(RINGTONE PLAYS WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS)

Gonna put it in my pocket.
I'm not answering that.

I'm putting the phone
in my pocket. Put it in
my pocket. All done.

Okay, everybody,
as I climb up
this beautiful tree,

I know we've had
our ups and downs.

But as I place
this tree topper
in the traditional place,

I just want to say...

(SCREAMING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(EXCLAIMS)

SANTA: Be careful, honey.

(CRYING)

Oh, honey.

Honey, I think maybe
I can fix that.

I know you're upset.

You picked up
on that, did you?

Bud, what is that
supposed to mean?

Maybe if you weren't working
all the time you might know.

Maybe you don't understand
the pressure I'm under.

Well, maybe it's not as
bad as being ripped away
from your family

and told you can't
see them anymore.
MRS. CLAUS: Dad.

I invited you so
Carol can be
surrounded by family

for love and support,

while I try to do things
you can't even imagine.

Rather than try to
make things work,

you're trying to
make things worse.

We're leaving.

What?

Maybe we shouldn't
have come.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe you shouldn't have come.

Maybe I should never
have come either.

Don't say
anything you'll regret.

I think we all
need to cool down
for a second.

Why don't you
and I take a walk?
Come on.

Let's go. Let's just go.

Oh, sweetheart.

It's over.

I thought I had
a second chance

at having a family,
but I blew it again.

Hey. There's no one I know
who could hold this
all together but you.

But I didn't.

My in-laws resent me,
Christmas is a disaster,

and my pregnant wife wishes
that she never had met me.

You know, I was gonna
wait until tomorrow
to give you this,

but I think you need
a bit of a pick-me-up now.

I can't.
Come on. Open it.

I don't feel like it.

Go ahead,
it'll make you feel better.

I don't feel like it.

Come on, open it, please.

Thanks.

So are there times
when you wonder...

Wonder what?

If this was even...

Worth it?

(SCOFFS)

More than you know.

Tonight's one of
these times, huh?

Wish I'd never put
that red coat on.

So you wish you'd never
become Santa at all?

(SCOFFS)

I wish I'd never
become Santa.

At all?

At all. At all.
Yeah, at all.

I wished I'd never
been Santa at all.
Happy?

I am now.

No!

(JACK CACKLING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

Ho ho ho!

Hey, you!

Ho ho...

Uh-oh!

(GRUNTS)

Get off me, blubber ball!

I will not let you
put on that coat!

Oh, yeah? Watch me!

Don't even think
about it, Jack.

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

You hit me with a shovel!

(GASPS)

JACK: Adios, fatty!

No, Frost, no!

Oh, no.

Okay, so,
the Mississippi factory needs
to know if we want them

to ship 100,000
units or 200,000.

They won't ship tomorrow
because it's Christmas,

but they will ship Thursday,
which means...

They're not
gonna ship tomorrow
because it's Christmas?

Yes, sir.

This is Christmas Eve?

Yes, sir.

What are you doing here?
Why are we working?

We always work
Christmas Eve.

We do?
Of course.

Well, that...
That's ridiculous.

Christmas Eve is when
you spend time
with your family.

Where's my
family tonight?

I really don't know,
Mr. Calvin.

What do you mean?

Well, you rarely see them
and you don't mention them.

Where are my car keys?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Well, I just came
over to see...

See what?

Why on earth would
you drag yourself
all the way over here?

CHARLIE: Is that Derek?
No.

You're not going
out tonight.

Yeah, okay.

What is he doing here?

Came over to see you.

Why?

'Cause we don't see
each other enough.

(HORN BEEPING)

What?

BOY: Come on, Charlie.

I'm out of here.

Oh, come on, Charlie,
it's Christmas Eve.

Like either of
us care, Mom?

Charlie.
CHARLIE: What?

Come back here.
Charlie!

Good night, Scott.

Wait, wait!

Can you help me
find Carol?

Carol?
Carol Newman.

Carol Newman, the principal
of Charlie's school?

Yeah. Do you know
where she is?

I don't know.
She moved away.

Ran out of local kids
to terrify, I guess.
I don't know.

What is the matter
with you?

Neil. Neil and Lucy,
they'll understand.

Where are they?

At the North Pole.

At the North Pole?

Yeah. The North Pole.

Frost.

What?

Frost turned the North Pole
into a theme park.

Neil has been taking Lucy
to the North Pole

ever since he and I
got our divorce, remember?

Divorce?

Are you sure you
should be driving?

I'm gonna make
everything okay.

I'm gonna make
everything better.

Yeah. Okay.

(COME MEET SANTA PLAYING)

♪ Welcome,
all you girls and boys
Come on in and build a toy

♪ Mom and Dad
shall have some fun
My resort's for everyone

♪ There's lots of
elves to help you buy
Santa T-shirts Santa size

♪ Lots of rides
So much to do

♪ And Comet's
in the petting zoo

♪ But what's the best of all?
What's the best of all?

♪ You'll meet Santa
Come meet Santa

♪ Watch him make his list
and check it twice

♪ You get a gift
if you've been nice

♪ Meet Santa
Come meet Santa

♪ Enjoy the food
The rides, the globes

♪ Come on in and see my show

♪ Buy a ticket, here we go

♪ Ho ho ho! Come meet Santa

♪ You'll meet Santa

♪ Yes, I'm Santa

♪ Ho ho ho ho ho! ♪

Get a ticket.
We were here first.

(BELL RINGING)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

GIRL 1: I hate it.
I'm not getting on.

WOMAN 1:
I'm not made of money.

GIRL 1: Let's go.

JACK ON PA:
Try our gingerbread
houses. They're Santalicious.

BOY ON PA: Don't forget
to buy a ticket
for Santa's show.

MAN 1:
Do I look like a
cash machine to you?

GIRL 2:
I want a dancing Santa!

Keep moving. Come on.

WOMAN 2: Forget it, that's it.

I saw it first.
No, you didn't.

I'm buying it.
Give it to me!

No way!
Mom!

BOY 1: Dad, I don't like this.

MAN 2: That's just too bad.

MAN 3:
Hey, stand somewhere else.

WOMAN 3:
You stay right here with me
and hold my hand!

BOY 2: I wanna see reindeer.

MAN 4: Stop pushing!

(BELLOWING)

GIRL 5: Why are we here?

GIRL 6:
Because you wanted to...

JACK ON PA: Remember how much
your parents love you

depends on how much
they spend on your present.

LUCY: Hurry up, Dad, let's go!

Come on, I want a ride!

Lucy! Neil!

Scott Calvin.

Odd place to run into you.

Luce?

What's up, Mr. Calvin?

Can we please go?

Wait, wait, wait.
What happened
between you and Laura?

I know you think therapy
is like witchcraft,

but you of all
people might consider it.

Please, please,
just tell me.

Maybe you don't really know
because you were never around.

It shouldn't be any
news to you, Scott.

You were never
a father to Charlie.

You put all
the pressure on me,
and guess what?

He didn't want me
to be his father,

which messed
things up pretty good
between me and Laura.

Want me to go on, Scott?

Come on, Dad,
the line's getting longer.

(SIGHS)

CURTIS: Excuse me, sir.

Curtis.
Yes, sir.

Can I offer you
tickets for a turn

to build a toy
with Santa's elves?

I'll throw in this year's
commemorative pen,
voice-enhanced.

Will that be
cash or credit card?

(CLICKS)

Will that be
cash or credit card?

That's silly.

If you're not sure,
I'll throw in
a pass for the nice list.

Walk with me, won't you?

Curtis, it's me.

Oh, for the love of
candy canes, what have
you done here?

Well, sir,
this is a nice list kiosk.

The line ends there by
the reindeer petting zoo.

You mean parents pay
to have their kids put
on the nice list?

That's not right.
I better change things
back the way they were.

Where's your boss?

Where's Frost?

Curtis, where's Frost?
Security!

Bring Frost out
here right now!

JACK: I'll take care of him.

Look, there's Santa.

Nice to see you, mon frere.
I've been waiting.

Has it been 12 years already?

Frost. What have you done?

Hey. Easy does it,
Armani man.

No hello? Love what
you've done with the place?

JACK ON PA: Shave a reindeer
for five dollars.

Hey. Frost, Frost,
what about
the secret of Santa?

How could you do this
to the North Pole?

The whole thing is
way too much work,
way too much pressure.

Besides,
no one even thanks you
for the effort.

What do you
mean no thank yous?

What about the plates
of cookies and milk?

Please, I'm cleansing.

So I stopped the whole
toy delivery nonsense,

and I brought anyone
who could afford
to pay up here.

Who needs magic?

Who needs to be crawling
on roofs and chimneys?

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

I got everything
I need right here.

Look around. This isn't
how the North Pole's
supposed to be.

You know this is wrong.

Why don't you chill out
and enjoy the swag, huh?

This junk is not
what Christmas is about.

You're the one
who gave it all up.

Because you tricked me.

Tricked you? Give me a break.

I didn't know you
had my snow globe.

Maybe not, but who said,
"I wish I'd never
been Santa at all"?

What?

I said, "Who said,
'I wish I'd never
been Santa at all'?"

Rudolph? Rudolph's mama?

Frost, switch back with me.
Now's your chance.

And this is your chance
to enjoy the show.

Security.
Yes, sir.

Take my guest to
his seat, won't you?

Thanks so much.

Come on, let's go.

JACK ON PA:
Tickets on sale now
for the 6:00 elf toss!

(UP ON THE HOUSE TOP PLAYING)

GIRL ON PA:
Never too late to get
tickets to Santa's show.

Hey, Luce.

I know something
really wonderful about you.

You love snow globes.

Yeah.

Well, if that's true,
I've got a surprise for you.

Just up those stairs,

behind the
vending machine
is a secret room

filled with snow globes
like you've never seen before.

Beautiful snow globes.

There's a secret code
to get in that room.

What's the code?

(PLAYING JINGLE BELLS)

I want you to grab
the one in the middle
and bring it back down to me.

I need your help.

But I don't want to
go up there all alone.

Lucy, trust me.

This is really important.

Okay.
Okay.

Okay. I'll create
a little diversion.

Boy, this show stinks.

Come on.

Hey, hold it!

Coming through.

SCOTT: You can't catch me.
Come on.

Can't catch
an old dog like me?

Lucy? Lucy!

(UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

BOY ON PA:
Grab a seat, everybody.
The show's about to begin.

(PLAYING MELODY TO
NEW YORK, NEW YORK)

♪ Start spreading the news

♪ By jet or by sleigh

♪ You ought to be a part of it
North Pole, North Pole

♪ You snooze and you lose

♪ So come here to play

♪ Here at the very heart of it

♪ North Pole, North Pole

♪ Come see the snowman

♪ Up where no
man's without a treat

♪ And watch this
king of the chill

♪ Ha! Turn up the heat

♪ Oh, those summertime blues

♪ Are melting away

♪ Although it's 55 below...

♪ The summertime blues

♪ Are melting away

♪ Although it's 55 below

♪ At polar North

♪ If you can make it here

♪ The world's all
Christmas cheer ♪

(GROANS)

♪ Holiday gold

♪ North Pole

♪ North Pole ♪

Thank you! Thank you!

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

I'm gonna kick the coal
out of whoever did that!

(LAUGHING)

You.
You're not Santa Claus.

That is an impostor.
I'm Santa Claus.

(LAUGHING)

Guards! Guards, get him!

Bring it on!
Who wants some of this?
Come here!

JACK: If you
don't mind... Aah!

Hey, where are you going?
Get down from there!

Guess if you guys want me,
you're gonna
have to come up here

and get me!

(WOOD CREAKING)

(ALL GASPING)

(LAUGHING)

(MACHINE SHUTTING DOWN)

(DOOR LATCH OPENING)

Get this through your head.
You're not Santa anymore.

You're just a guy
who smells like a cookie.

Hey, how about a game
of catch? Lucy, toss it.

Nice try, compadre.

And lovely teamwork.
There's only one problem.

You're never
gonna get me to say...

(PEN CLICKS)

JACK ON TAPE: I wish
I'd never been Santa at all.

Now who said that?
Rudolph? Rudolph's mama?

No!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(DOGS BARKING)

Ho ho ho.

(GASPS)

I gotta get my coat back.

(GRUNTING)

Come here.

Boy, you are just...

Hey!

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

Whoa. Freaky.

Hey, you!

Ho ho...

Uh-oh!

Let me go!
That coat belongs to me.

No, Frost,
that coat belongs to him.

You got him!

This guy was huge.

Well, I'm Santa now, okay?

You don't look like Santa.

You killed him.

Did not.

I want my coat.

Dad, you gotta see this.

Charlie, Charlie!
Stay away from those things.

I want the coat!

Why? 'Cause you make
such a good Santa?

Because all
the elves love you?

All those people
you took money from,
they love you?

Listen to me, listen to me.

(PANTING)

Being Santa's not
something you could take.

It's something
that chooses you.

Well, how do I look? Nice?

And you're too late.

No!

SANTA: Carol.

Carol!

Well, that didn't work out
the way I'd hoped.

Carol.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, Scott. We've been
looking everywhere
for you.

Come here.
Oh, Mrs. Claus,
I've missed you.

I missed you
so much, so much.

Wait, it's just been
a few minutes.

It's only been
a few minutes?
Yes.

Of course.

It only takes a few minutes
to see the truth of
an entire lifetime.

I don't understand.
A man goes out into the world,

and expects his dreams
to come true, and then,

the unexpected happens.

Pick up a red coat
and become Santa Claus.

That's huge!
And it's a lot of pressure.

Taking care of all
the children of the world,

and the elves and the SOS
and the North Pole,

but he loses sight of
what's really important:

A woman who falls
in love with him
and gives him a baby.

I love being Santa Claus
and I love you.

I love you too.

Have you been
drinking cocoa?

No. I'm back.

I've missed you
very, very much.

I missed you too.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Ohhh!

Hey, you guys know
what happened?

No.

We ticked each other off.
That's it.

Just like families
all over the world
are doing on Christmas Eve

that love each other:
Ticking each other off.

We don't have to be perfect
to be good families.

We just have
to be together.

I'm still so very sorry

that we just added
to all this pressure
that you're under.

And I think that
we should apologize.
Don't you, honey?

No. It's good
I'm tough on him.
I'm his father-in-law.

It's my job.

As long as you
promise to do it

every Christmas,
it's fine with me.

We'll see about that.
I'm a very busy guy.

And so am I. And I'd like
to show you guys what I do.

No, Scott, the SOS.

The SOS is about secrets,
and secrets
aren't for families.

I'm tired of keeping you
from your family.

So if you guys would
follow me to my factory.

SANTA: Elves?
(CLEARS THROAT)

Elves!
Stop working for a minute.

I'd like you all
to say hello to the in-laws.

ALL: Hello, in-laws!

Hello.

How ya doing?

Elves.
Oh, my.

BUD: They're not Canadians.
They're elves.

Never said, like,
in person...

Listen, if they're elves,
this is not a toy factory.

This is... This is
probably Santa's workshop.

And if this is probably...

If this is Santa's workshop,

then... He...
Then he's the guy.

Hey, you... You the guy.
You're Father Christmas.

It's a little freaky,
but you'll get used to it.

Whoa!

Wow!

If you're Father Christmas
that means

I'm Father
Christmas' father-in-law.

That means I'm...
I'm Father-in-law Christmas.

And I'm
Mother-in-law Christmas.

(BUD EXCLAIMING)

Hi, Santa!

Hi, Bud!

Sylvia.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh,
the little pellets behind me?
I'll clean those up later.

Santa, Santa,
where do you keep
the Phillips screwdrivers?

Oh, elf construction.
Talk to Irv, okay?

Oh, oh, Cupid!

At this altitude,
you might want to
consider an underdiaper.

I don't mind the draught.

That was Cupid.
Yeah.

Hello, Santa.

Father Time.

Father Time. What next?

Well, hello, Santa.

This is a blast!

Mother Nature.

How can I ever
thank you for this?

Oh, don't thank me.

He's the one who
brought us here.

Hey, Dad.

Charlie!

Hi, Santa!
Hey, Tooth.

Hi.
Sandy.

Checked with Curtis
and found out you
were behind,

so I decided to
call professionals.

LUCY: Uncle Scott!

Lucy, what's happened?

I found her
locked in a closet.

What's wrong?

You've got to see what
Frost did to my mom and dad.

(ELVES MURMURING)

It's gonna be okay.

Ow.

Yeah, and?

Elficers, I have him.

Jack, this isn't funny.
Unfreeze the parents
right now.

No way, Claus.
I can't unfreeze them
without unfreezing myself,

and that is
something I'll never do.

Mother Nature,
help me out here.

Can you thaw him out?

I'm sorry, Santa.

Our powers don't work on
other legendary figures.

Isn't that a shame?

(CHUCKLES EVILLY)

What do you say, Luce?

Do you think it'll work?

The question is, do you?

(CHUCKLES) Okay. This is what
you're all reduced to?

Sending a little girl in
to save the day, are we?

What you gonna do,
adorablize me?

Sweet me into submission?

Cute me to death?

Make me change my way!

Hey.

I feel so strange.

(ICE CRACKLING)

It's so gushy inside.

(GARGLING)

Do I smell suntan lotion?
I feel so tropical.

Miguel, dos platos
de nachos, por favor.

What's happening to me?

I'm warming your heart.

But they told me
it couldn't be done.

But they didn't know
about magical hugs.

I think I like it.

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

(GASPING)

(ICE CRACKLING)

(SHUDDERING)

Mom, Dad!

Lucy!
Mom! Dad!

Group hug!

Feel the love.

Yes.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, Scott. It's time.

Oh, about 10:00.

No, it's time to
deliver the package.

No. Midnight, as usual.

No, it's time to
deliver the package.

Yeah.
It's time to
deliver the package!

Baby Claus is on the way!

(MRS. CLAUS SCREAMS)

(WHISTLE TWEETS)

(SCREAMING)

And then the most
magical thing of all

is that I got to deliver
just before
Santa had to deliver.

Are you telling
the stories again?

(GASPING)

So cute!

Make sure you get to
the part about Santa
changing a mean diaper.

(LAUGHING)

So who got to
pick out the name?

Well, that was easy.
We named him
after his grandpa.

That's right.
Say hello to Buddy Claus.

What's going on?

MAN 1: Keep rolling.
Don't cut.

MAN 2: Ready?

Ready?
ALLEN: Calm down.

We'll do it right, Marty.
Mark!

Marker. Action!

Do you like carrot juice?

Beta carotene
gives me a buzz.

Honey!

I'm built for
speed and comfort.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

You... You weird me out.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, God.

Look, I'm not gonna evoke?

MAN: Invoke.

Look, I'm not gonna evoke...

Invoke!
Easy!

I'm not gonna invoke...

(SNICKERING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

Frost.
He turned the North Pole
into an amusement park.

(LAUGHING)

Why is that...
Why is that funny?

North Pole?

Is my fly down?

Frost.

(LAUGHING)

Is my acting somehow
humorous to you?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Well, I'm Santa now.

Really? You don't
look like Santa.

(GRUFFLY) Well, I am...
I'm sorry.

(CHUCKLES) That was good.
That was good, though.

Rosemary Clooney
showed up. "I am."

(SCREAMING)

(IMITATING RACECAR SHIFTING)

(HUMMING)

Mother Nature,
can you thaw him out?

(LAUGHING)

Can you thaw him...

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Tim!
What?

I was laughing 'cause
it was in the scene.

There's no
laughing in the scene.

I was happy.

(GREATEST TIME
OF YEAR PLAYING)

♪ There's a special kind
of feeling in the air

♪ It only happens
at this time of year

♪ When everyone is filled
with love and cheer

♪ 'Cause that's what matters

♪ Pretty paper
boxes tied with bows

♪ Walking in
the sun or in the snow

♪ We can feel the excitement

♪ Growing, knowing

♪ It's
the greatest time of year

♪ And it's here
Help me celebrate it

♪ With everybody here

♪ Friends so dear
Let me simply state it

♪ Joy to
the world and everyone

♪ Lift up your
hearts and feel the love

♪ It's our favorite way

♪ To spend the holiday
Yeah

♪ We can get all
cosy by the fire

♪ Turn the music
up a little higher

♪ I don't think
that I could ever tire

♪ Of being together

♪ Decorate the tree

♪ Hang mistletoe
and stand by me

♪ It's a picture
perfect moment captured

♪ Memories that
we'll have after

♪ The greatest time of year

♪ And it's here
Help me celebrate it

♪ With everybody here

♪ Friends so dear
Let me simply state it

♪ Joy to
the world and everyone

♪ Lift up your
hearts and feel the love

♪ It's our favorite way

♪ To spend the holiday
Yeah

♪ Spend the holiday

♪ It's the greatest time

♪ Greatest time of year

♪ Time to celebrate

♪ It's our favorite time

♪ It's
the greatest time of year

♪ And it's here
Help me celebrate it

♪ With everybody here

♪ Friends so dear
Let me simply state it

♪ Joy to the world
Joy to the world

♪ Joy to the world

♪ It's the greatest time

♪ Of year

♪ It's
the greatest time of year

♪ And it's here
Help me celebrate it

♪ With everybody here

♪ Friends so dear
Let me simply state it

♪ Joy to
the world and everyone

♪ Lift up your
hearts and feel the love ♪

(I'M THE REAL SANTA PLAYING)

♪ I'm the real Santa

♪ I'm the real Santa

♪ I'm the real Santa

♪ I'm the real Santa

♪ And I know for sure

♪ Just because
I'm the real Santa Claus

♪ Seven days a week

♪ Twenty-four hours a day

♪ I dress the same

♪ True in every way

♪ For me it ain't
no act nor a game

♪ Santa Claus is my real name

♪ Now I'm the real Santa

♪ I'm the real Santa

♪ I'm the real Santa

♪ I'm the real Santa

♪ And I know for
sure just because

♪ I'm the real Santa Claus

♪ I'm the real Santa

♪ I'm the real Santa

♪ And I know for sure

♪ Just because
I'm the real Santa Claus

♪ I'm the real Santa

♪ I'm the real Santa

♪ I'm the real Santa

♪ I'm the real Santa

♪ And I know for sure

♪ Just because
I'm the real Santa Claus ♪