The Sandwich Man (1966) - full transcript
A man with a sandwich-board (advert) wanders around London meeting many strange characters.
(gong crashes)
(boat engine hoots)
(motorcycle engine roars)
(boat hoots)
(upbeat music)
No, no, no!
No, no, Gogi, you are very silly.
It is definitely Arsenal for Baker.
They're the best football
team in the whole of England.
Oh, Ram, you are so mistaken.
Look, after the form they
showed last week Spurs,
what must we do?
Arsenal in dead shtook, no chance at all.
Oh, Daisy?
[Daisy] What is it, Gogi?
Don't forget the postal order.
[Daisy] All right.
Gogi, you are a sugar,
even with Stanley Matthews,
Danny Blanchflower, and
Jimmy Greaves together,
they couldn't beat them.
Tottenham Hotspur are a dead loss.
[Gogi] You said that last week
when you ruined the lip plan.
Lip plan, I told you feet plan.
- It is lip pit.
- (cycle bell rings)
[Cyclist] Hey, Yogi
Bear, get off the road!
[Gogi] And the same to you.
(upbeat music)
(letterbox clatters)
(door bangs)
(Abdul mutters)
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom ♪
(door clanks)
(door clatters)
(boat hoots)
(door slams)
(pigeons cooing)
Morning, my loves.
Come on then, come on!
Hello, Nelson,
Pretty Reagan, how are you, Striker?
Hello, Cassius, what are
you doing down there?
There we are!
Esmeralda not back yet, heh?
Well, you'll get married when she does.
(carpet beater thudding)
Oh, good morning, Mr. Quilby.
Oh, good morning, Mrs. De Vere.
I'll be right over here.
There we are, Cassius.
(carpet beater thuds)
See you later!
Is Esmeralda back yet?
No, not yet, Mrs. De Vere.
Bordeaux's a long flight,
even for my little Esmeralda.
Yes, but you don't worry, she'll win.
I've got five bob on her beak.
Oh, she's every chance,
Mrs. De Vere, every chance.
Mind you, it's not just the money,
but if my little Esmeralda
comes in in the first three,
I'm a dead cert to make president
of our local Pigeon Racing Association.
Yes, well, now while
we are on this subject,
there is one little matter
that I would like to discuss with you.
Oh!
Yes, it's about your
pigeons and my washing.
- Oh!
- My white washing.
(dog barks)
To put it absolutely bluntly,
when they've flown over
it's just not dazzling white anymore.
Well, I'm very, very
sorry, Mrs. De Vere.
Yes, well, if you could keep
the birds in the pigeon loft
on a washday, I would
be more than grateful.
Oh, I certainly will.
I mean, I'm not one to grumble.
My late husband, Percy,
he would bear a witness to that fact.
I'm quite sure of that.
Ah, yes, that's what I like about you,
your sympathy, and your understanding.
I suppose it's because, well,
you are a widower yourself.
Oh, I know, you've got your pigeons,
and I've got my bingo.
But, well, when you've been married
it's not really enough, is it?
Not really, no.
Not really, no.
I mean, I'm not grumbling.
British Railways have
been more than generous
with the pension,
but it can be lonely being
a wheel tappers widow.
I'm sure.
You're not a bit like
my late Percy, really.
No, oh, he was massive, simply massive.
Massive?
Big man, yeah.
Oh, yes.
Well, to return to the
subject of Esmeralda,
you remember the procedure?
Yes, I think so.
Now when my little
Esmeralda enters the loft,
the bell with then ring,
take the little rubber ring off her leg,
put it into the time clock, strike it,
and then take it straight
down to the judges.
Yes, well, I'll keep
my eyes open for her.
And would you like me to keep
phoning you during the day?
Oh, yes.
Here is a list of the telephone numbers
where I will be available
throughout the day.
Oh, yes, same as last year, yes.
Well, I'll keep you informed Mr. Quilby.
I'm more than grateful, Mrs. De Vere.
It's a pleasure, Mr. Quilby.
Thank you.
Yes.
(mellow band music)
Bye, bye, Mrs. De Vere.
Goodbye, Mr. Quilby.
Goodbye.
(carpet beater thuds)
(playful music)
(heels tapping)
[Gogi] And if they live to be 100,
Spurs still will beat you.
[Ram] Gogi, you should live so long!
[Horace] Good morning, Ram, Gogi.
[Gogi] Good morning, Horace.
Morning, Abdul.
Look, very good quality.
No, thanks, I've got
enough underwear (laughs).
Morning, gents.
- Morning.
- Morning, Horace.
Morning.
Hello, good morning, Sue.
Morning, Mr. Quilby.
(car engine roars)
[Steven] Good morning, Sue,
I thought I'd missed you.
Morning, Steven.
Good morning, Mr. Quilby,
can I give you a lift, I'm
just running Sue up west?
That's very kind of you.
Mr. Quilby, would you
mind telling Mr. Mansfield
I'll be going by bus today.
I prefer to travel with my friends.
Oh, come on, Sue, hop
in, don't mess about.
Yes, go on, Sue, you'll get
up the West End much quicker.
And another thing, would
you tell the gentleman
if he hasn't the courtesy to apologise
for his disgraceful behaviour last night,
I don't want to discuss the matter,
or to see him ever again.
Me apologise!
Who was out with a photographer
on a so-called session
till 10 o'clock yesterday evening?
Funny sort of business
you're in, I must say,
you always seem to work at night.
(bus hoots)
Bye, Steven.
(car engine revs)
(crowd yelling)
[Ram] Don't push,
don't get excited, Gogi.
[Gogi] Just pick it up,
we're losing our place.
Take this, take it from me, Ram.
After you, Gogi.
Most kind, Horace.
Ere, what's all this, man?
Rhythm section?
I don't care, Raz, if
you're the Royal Philharmonic,
not on my bus.
Excuse me, please.
What do you mean, not on your bus?
Not on my bus!
But how are we going to
get to the jazz festival?
Sorry, man, but that is your problem.
This one is mine, not on my bus.
Discrimination.
That's the word, Ram, discrimination.
Look, man, I don't
want to trouble you here.
My bus don't move until
this rhythm section
is off my platform.
You and who else is going to move
our instruments off your bus?
No violence, Ram,
passive resistance only.
Passive resistance.
All right.
All right.
If that's the way you want it,
it's all right with me, brother.
(bell rings)
(dramatic music)
Morning, Nosher.
[Nosher] Good morning,
Mr. Quilby, excuse me.
(board clatters)
Hello, hello.
A bit of bother, Bernard?
No bother, sir.
He was just helping us off the bus.
Well in that case, I'll give you a hand.
Most kind, sir, most kind.
No, no, I can manage, thank you.
(cases clatter)
[Nosher] Will that be all, Bernard?
Thank you, Nosher.
[Nosher] Thank you, Bernard.
Bye, Nosher.
Morning, Bernard.
Morning, Mr. Quilby.
Would you like a Weight?
No, thank you, not while I'm on duty.
Oh.
Nice day for a stroll
around the West End.
Very nice.
Is Esmeralda back yet?
No, not yet, Bernard.
See you later.
No smoking inside, Mr. Quilby.
Sorry, mate.
(bell rings)
Another traffic jam.
I suppose there's a copper on duty.
And it started to rain,
I'm glad I put my mac on.
I must get one of those.
Not a very nice day for you
to walk around, Mr. Quilby.
Ah, it's probably just a shower, dear.
It'll turn out nice later.
- Oh, hope so.
- We hope.
What you gonna get, black or red?
I think I'll stick to the black.
Why not the red?
'Cause my boyfriend's
kinky, he's not a communist.
(hooters blasting)
(bicycle crashes)
(hooters blasting)
What's your game, swerving in like that?
Why don't you (hoot) off.
(hand bangs)
What about a hand signal?
I say, you,
take your dirty hands off
my Rolls, and go away.
Right, that's it, that's it.
(car hoots)
What's the matter, mate?
He just knocked me off my bloody bike.
(motorbike revs)
You were saying?
Well, officer, I can explain.
I mean...
We're, we're awfully sorry, aren't we?
We didn't realise, you see.
We just didn't realise.
I mean, we're all men of the world,
aren't we, Officer?
Oh, absolutely, well done.
Carry on, gentlemen, you're doing fine.
I've only just come on
duty, I have all day.
(pad thuds)
Well, I mean...
(bus engine hums)
(60s pop music)
[Horace] Morning, Admiral.
Good morning.
Nice day for sale.
(both laugh)
Morning, Maggie.
Hello, Horace.
Could I have a nice cup of tea, girl?
Right, do you want a sandwich?
No, no, thanks.
Morning, Fred.
(Fred groans)
What's the matter, mate?
Well, I'm having a bit
of trouble with the arm.
I got caught in the early morning rain.
Give us a hand with this.
Yeah, sure.
(armour clatters)
What's the matter with the arm then?
Rheumatism?
No, rust.
Morning, Abadier.
Oh, good morning.
Acts three and four.
Horace, I would like you
to meet our new recruit,
Mr. George Pocket,
he's with Fred's Nude Sexarama.
They are daughters of
Felicia, painted and ungodly,
but who are we to judge them?
However, Mr. Pocket, this is Mr. Quilby,
our honorary secretary, what
I've been telling you about.
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Quilby.
How do?
I've seen you around
the West End for years.
Oh, really?
Do you wish to join our
Sandwich Man's brotherhood?
Oh yes, I do indeed.
Oh, well, in that case,
here is the entry form.
If you'd kindly fill that in.
Oh, thank you, Maggie.
Our terms are annual
subscription 4 and 9 pence.
Plus a further half a crown,
just to cover the membership
card, literature and badge.
I regret no checks, not unless
you come from a fixed abode.
Oh, and one other thing, Mr. Pocket,
our motto is a fair day's
walk for a fair day's pay.
If you'll take the advice
of an elderly sandwich man,
see it all happen, but never get involved.
In other words, Brother
Pocket, keep dead shtoom.
And wander not from the paths
of righteousness, brother.
(pamphlet slaps)
Bye, Abadier, Pocket.
Morning, Edgar.
Morning, Horace.
How are you, all right?
Palpating in the torch light.
Morning, Sid.
Huh, ah, morning.
How's Gypsy Cynthia,
palmist extraordinary?
Mom's very well, thank you.
Sid, I just wondered how you
fancied Esmeralda's chances
in the national.
According to the leaves,
your bird's got a very fine chance indeed,
due to the presence of certain
beneficent occult forces.
What occult forces?
(Sid gasps)
(tense music)
I see water, a lot of water.
I see a bird.
It's a pigeon, she's...
It's Esmeralda!
There's wind, great wind.
It's a tailwind, it's behind her.
The spirit of the element says it is so.
Cool, that's fantastic.
It's just like the weather
forecast this morning.
[Edgar] Just the same, yeah.
I'm afraid I can't tell you no more.
You see, they buy their tea in bulk here,
you don't get a good readable
dreg like from the packet tea.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, Sid.
- The giant electric eel...
- (chair clatters)
Bye, Horace.
Bye, mate.
You coming, Horace?
Yes, I'm coming, Sir Fred.
(people chattering)
Morning, Harry.
All right, Fred.
(men yell)
(boat toots)
Hey, good morning, Mister, good morning.
I'm bringing this beautiful
carpet that I promised for you.
How much?
As we are allies, 50
pounds, I'm giving it away.
You give it to somebody else.
No, no, no, Mister,
please, Mister, please.
A jewel of the orient,
I'm bringing it halfway across London.
It's...
Very well, special price, 40 pounds,
and I'm ruining myself.
Look, Farook, I got a wife
and four children to support.
This is my last word, 20 pound.
I have three wives, and
one children to support,
30 pounds.
(hand slaps)
You got yourself a deal.
(Abdul laughs)
Allah be praised.
There you are, 10 pound,
20 pound,
(fish thuds)
30 pound.
(fish thuds)
Cod!
It's a pleasure to do
business with you, Codman Andy.
(Abdul hums)
(men shout)
Did you see Dr. Kildare last night?
No, I prefer Dr. Ben Casey myself.
Well, you really missed something.
He did one of the best
operations I've ever seen.
Oh, what was it?
And abominable operation.
Oh,
with complications?
Several, and he was marvellous.
He was so gentle and quick.
He's got such beautiful hands.
Oh, you've noticed?
Not many.
Real surgeon's hands, he's got,
so long and slender, and
elegant in them rubber gloves.
He's not my cup of tea, I
prefer Dr. Ben Casey myself.
Now have you noticed his hands?
Yes, they're strong and hairy.
But lovely with it,
and ever so well kept.
Oh, he's wonderful at it.
He knocked me out last week
when that matron had everything removed.
Everything, what, kidneys and all?
Her kidneys weren't
any good to her anymore,
not as kidneys that is.
See, that's what I like
about Dr. Ben Casey,
he is so very thorough.
Well, Dr. Kildare's very thorough too.
And what's more, he's
operating again tonight.
Lily looked lovely in lilac.
She got married then?
[Man] Of course she got married.
Who married her?
A vicar!
Not the bleeding vicar, who'd she marry?
Oh, who'd she marry, you know, Peter.
What fat Peter on cod fillet?
[Man] He's not fat.
Not fat, he weighs 16 stone.
That's not fat, that's muscle.
Oh, she'll be all right then, won't she?
Where they going for the honeymoon,
the Cote D'Azur?
My handbag!
No, Grimsby.
How dare you, just who
do you think you are?
(playful music)
(woman screams)
(men laugh)
Morning, Joe.
Hello, Horace, nice to see you.
Are you ready?
(drill thundering)
(picks thudding)
Oi, where's my tea?
Where's Charlie's tea?
Where's Charlie's tea?
Where's Charlie's tea?
Where's Charlie's tea?
Tea for Charlie.
More tea for Charlie.
[Man] More tea for Charlie.
[Man] More tea for Charlie.
More tea for Charlie.
Here's his tea.
Here's his tea.
Charlie's tea.
(pick thuds)
(tea splashes)
[Man] More tea for Charlie.
More tea for Charlie.
[Worker] More tea for Charlie.
(playful music)
(spade thudding)
- Very nice.
- (coins splash)
Very good.
I like that one on the end,
that's a very good one.
Oi,
(tea splashes)
Do you mind!
You cheeky git.
What about my tea!
(cup clatters)
(playful music)
Now hold that, it goes
with the background here.
Oh, no, it's too high.
Throw it away, no, it's no good.
Oh, this is better.
You stand against the wall there,
I'll bring this in here,
and I'll put it just there like that.
Oh, thank you.
- Just what we need.
- Oil.
That's my shovel.
One quick photograph.
Never mind about that.
Please, don't keep pushing me, please.
That's my shovel.
Thank you very much, that's marvellous.
Right, where were we, darling?
Good, just stand there, fine, fine.
Hold it (squeals).
Cheeky thing.
Very good, now I think we'll just
put that over the shoulder, shall we?
That's nice, that shoulder first, good.
Hold it, now nice and
casual, casual, darling.
Very good.
Now I think we'll lose
the spade, shall we?
Just lose that, get rid of it.
Good, and unzip it, yes, open, yes.
Just, just zip it down, just...
That's it, that's fine,
and the knee, darling.
Oh, that's good, that's lovely.
That's a very sweet photo.
(car engine revs)
That's fine, now just zip it down,
throw it open, darling, that's fine,
and just do the hair a bit, that's fine.
And the knee, yes.
And the leg, a little
more leg, that's fine.
Yes, we're on the brink of
something good here, darling.
Lovely, lovely, lovely.
Good, that's very good.
Now just turn to the right,
and do one of your...
That's fine, stick it out, good.
Big smile, big smile.
Yes, very nice, low level, very low level.
Now I'll just do one more,
I think we've got it.
I think we can call it a day.
It's marvellous.
(photographer yells)
(men laugh)
(Steven laughs loudly)
That's just the kinda
thing I'd expect from you.
What do you mean by following me?
I was not following you.
I rang your agent, and he told
me where you were working,
and as I was demonstrating
this car for Mr. Ridley...
Oh, Mr. Ridley, Sue Langham,
Sue Langham, Mr. Ridley.
How do you do?
Oh, how'd you do?
So I drove over.
You...
You make me so angry.
Hey, steady on.
Oh, Harold, darling, don't worry,
we'll get you to a doctor.
So it's Harold darling now, is it?
What's the matter, hurt your finger?
Hope they amputated it.
Who's that?
Just some car salesman
who's always pestering me.
Pestering you, I thought we
were supposed to be in love.
Well, if that's the way
you feel about it, right!
(sand rustling)
(car revs)
Come along, Sue, it's only a tiff.
Steven's a nice boy.
I know, Mr. Quilby,
it's just that he doesn't understand.
I want to make something of myself,
and Harold's been such a help,
and such a dear.
(Sue cries)
[Horace] Do you really love Steven?
Yes, very much,
but we always seem to be fighting.
[Harold] Oh, there go
the water works already.
Here, are you working this afternoon?
Yes, we're taking some
colour pictures in the park
by the Love Gate (sobs).
Oh, come on!
[Horace] Blow your
nose and wipe your eyes.
I'll be up in the West End.
I'll nip into those car showrooms,
and have a few words with
that young man, all right, eh?
Oh, will you, Mr. Quilby?
You leave it to old Horace.
Now come on, darling,
we've got lots to do.
You get off, Harold.
Bye.
Oi, when you've sorted that lot out,
come and see my old woman,
she's been knocking me about for 20 years.
(men laugh)
(melancholy music)
(ball thuds)
(upbeat 60s music)
(Father yells)
(Father groans)
Are you right, Father?
(whistle blasts)
(feet thudding)
(whistle blasts)
(pommel horse thuds)
No, no, no, no!
That is not the way to do it.
You jump onto the springboard
as hard as you can.
(springboard thuds)
(wood clatters)
(boys laugh)
Sorry, Father.
This will help you to get your feet
well clear
(hands thud)
Of the box horse.
You don't have to hurry,
now remember that.
You don't have to hurry.
(playful music)
(body thuds)
That's all there is to it.
I'm a little out of practise.
(whistle blasts)
(whistle blasts)
(feet thud)
Howard, let me show you
how to do it.
Thank you very much, Father.
(elegant music)
That's how you do it.
(bat thuds)
(whistle blasts)
What are you doing up there?
Nothing, Father.
Well, you doing it wrong.
(drum roll)
(Father groans)
(whistle blasts)
Come on now, get hold, that's it.
Right, let go now, let go!
I don't know why you
have to stand under me
every time I do it.
You make me lose confidence.
Anyone would think I wasn't capable.
Father, will you come and see
if I'm doing the parallel bars all right?
Oh, sure, sure.
And I'd be delighted to give
you the benefit of my advice.
But I wanted to show you, Father.
Is it the back splits
you're wanting to learn?
You're facing the wrong way
for the back spits, Father.
Would you be after asking
me, or telling me what to do?
Careful, Father.
Shh, quiet now, Colin.
(body thuds)
All I need to know, Father, is this...
(upbeat drum music)
...all right?
(whistle blasts)
(feet patter)
Vernon, get, get the boxing gloves.
(whistle blasts)
(whistle blasts)
(Father snorts)
(whistle blasts)
(fist thuds)
(fist thuds)
(fist thuds)
See you tomorrow, Father.
Sorry about that left hook, Father,
and my head in your eye,
must have been very painful.
And that right cross, you ran
onto it, it wasn't my fault.
Not at all, Tommy.
You're not a good man, if
you can't be a good loser.
It was a beautiful right cross.
Keep it up, and God
willing, come Epiphany,
we'll slaughter the
Protestant Boys Brigade.
Bye to you now, Tommy.
Bye.
Bye, Father.
Oh, sorry, sir.
See you tomorrow, Father.
[Father] Yes, bye.
Good morning, Father.
(Horace laughs)
Good morning, Mr. Quilby.
Oh, Father, have there
been any phone calls for me?
Not yet, no.
Will it be Mrs. De Vere?
Oh, yes, it will be, yeah.
- Ah.
- When she does,
would you be so good is to tell her
that my next number is the Hilton Hotel.
The Hilton Hotel, I understand it's
a luscious place there.
Oh, it's smashing.
They tell me you can get
nice juicy steak there.
You look as though you could
do with one an' all (laughs).
A steak!
(Father laughs)
(both laugh loudly)
Bye, Father.
Bye, Mr. Quilby.
(whistle blasts)
(wood crashes)
(traffic hums)
[Man] I'd like a prawn salad.
- Eh?
- [Man] Prawn salad.
Prawn salad, what are you then,
some sort of poof, you'll
have hamburger and like it.
(playful music)
(man huffing)
[Man] Here, did you
tread in it after all?
(people cough)
(woman gasps)
Blimey, what a pen and ink.
Tony, did you already open
that new box of Gorgonzola?
I no touch the cheese.
Two hamburgers,
touch of chutney, piccalilli,
and a breath of tomato sauce,
no onions.
No onions?
Definitely no onions,
I got a date with my bird tonight,
and she can't stand the smell of onions.
(traffic hums)
Oh, it's no good, Gogi.
They're not going to stop.
It's these instruments.
Okay, Ram, I'll stay
here with the instruments.
You go around the corner, thumb a lift.
Good idea.
Here,
and this.
And here.
- Okay.
- Right.
(traffic hums)
Hello, Gogs!
Oh, Horace.
Oh, tell me my friend,
any news of Esmeralda?
No, not yet, not a dicky bird.
(wheels screech)
(engine revs)
Whoa, dib, dib, dib.
Oh, dob, dob, dob.
Oh, good show, jolly
D, absolutely terrific.
I say, tell me, what troop are you?
Fourth Bombay troop.
Bombay!
Eagle patrol.
Oh, good egg.
I say...
Can...
(gasps)
Can I give you a lift?
Ooh, thank you very, sir.
Going to the jamboree?
No, no, Indian jazz
festival, Knightsbridge.
Knightsbridge!
A bit off our beaten.
Still, Brown, I suppose
this will be our good turn for the day.
- Deed, sir.
- Um,
I never seem to get that right, do I?
Deed, of course, how silly.
Um, cost you a bob.
Bob?
It's bob a job week.
Oh, that's all right, that's all right,
kind Scout Master gentlemen.
One moment please, Gogi!
Oh, excuse me, Horace.
All right, Gogi.
Gogi, we got a lift,
but it will cost us a bob.
- Bob?
- Bob!
Bob a job, Gog!
Most kind.
Is all this gubbins yours?
- Yes, Sir.
- Yes, Sir.
But you'll never get it on.
Oh, don't you worry, we'll get it on.
We'll get it on for you right away.
Brown, give them a hand.
(Ram and Gogi shouting)
[Gogi] Ram, push man.
Gogi, on the top, not here, on the top.
There's only one place to put
it, and that's on the top.
Gogi!
(backpack clatters)
(pans clatter)
Oh, Gogi, can you not
do what you are told?
Ram, I am trying my best.
Gogi, let me put mine on the top.
(Ram and Gogi shouting)
Oh dear!
What are you doing?
I'm very sorry.
Lovely, lovely, kind sir.
Do be careful, chaps.
Careful!
Do have a care, chaps!
(pans clatter)
(horns honk)
Brown, it's all your fault,
we should never have
allowed these people in.
(pans clatter)
Most kind of you, sir.
Well, Brown, can't you help them, Brown?
Don't just sit there.
Don't panic!
I say, do be careful.
Most kind.
This is worth more than the bob.
Brown, it's all your fault.
Most kind, most kind.
Brown, can't you do something, Brown?
This is ridiculous.
(pans clattering)
Brown, ask them to stop.
Most kind.
(all shouting)
(motorcycle engine hums)
Most kind.
(wheels screech)
(bike crashes)
(tense music)
(horn toots)
(hand thuds)
(man laughs)
What seems to be the trouble, Officer?
Trouble, sir, I don't
think I'm in any trouble.
But let's consider your position.
At the moment I can only describe
it as unbelievably tricky.
Excuse me, Sir.
Don't you worry, sir, I will explain.
Good morning, Superintendent.
Please let me to explain.
This kind Scout Master gentleman
has been most bountiful to
us, most bountiful indeed.
You see, Superintendent,
we were just trying
to put a drum and a double base
on this most beautiful vehicle,
when most regrettably my
friend's extension piece...
Extension piece, sir.
That is to say, the extension piece
of this most beautiful instrument.
The extension piece, sir,
it caused some slight
damage to your wonderful...
(case clatters)
We're not being very
clever this morning,
are we, sir?
I shall have to charge you
with causing an obstruction
on the Queen's highway,
driving a mechanically propelled vehicle
without due care and attention,
driving said vehicle in a
dangerously overloaded condition
and without good access,
carrying passengers in a position likely
to cause serious bodily harm
to the person of the said passengers,
and to the passing public,
damaging a Metropolitan Police vehicle,
and causing serious damage to its
very ultra high-frequency short range
transmitting and receiving
apparatus Mark 4.
Please not the lovely...
Obstructing a police officer
in the performance of his duty.
But he was only trying to explain.
Striking a police officer.
Ooh.
(knife scrapes)
There you are, that'll cost you a bob.
Carrying an offensive weapon.
I was only joking, forget about the bob.
We had a good day, I'm
sure Brown won't mind
a bit of a...
(squealing)
[Brown] Please, sir,
it's the rubber dinghy,
it's going up.
- Brown!
- It might explode, sir.
Do something about it.
Do you mind taking charge of this, sir,
before it takes over the
whole of the City of London?
(explosive blast)
(wings flap)
(pigeons cooing)
(melancholy music)
(whip cracks)
Come forward, come forward,
that's all right, sir.
Move forward, don't be shy now.
Thank you very much.
Right, now then, ladies and gentlemen,
first, let me introduce myself.
Manfred the Magnificent.
(crown groan)
[Man] Get out of it.
You recognise me, don't you, sir?
That's right, I recognise you, yeah.
Yes, me with my eight Abyssinian lions.
Yeah, that's right.
And you, sir, will testify
to the savagery of the Abyssinian lion?
I have the mark of the
claw, which I can show you,
or I would do, except
there are ladies present.
Now ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to introduce you to...
(dog barks)
(crowd laughs)
...Cedric the Great.
(crowd cheers)
Now, please, ladies and gentlemen,
give the artist his due.
Now the Great Cedric has
escaped from predicaments
which would've baffled even
the great Houdini himself.
- Haven't you?
- Oh yeah.
(crowd groan)
There was a time once, you know...
- Shut up!
- (women laugh)
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm not here today,
and gone tomorrow, I'm
here today, and gone today.
He's here tomorrow.
(crowd laughs)
Shut up!
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
before your very eyes,
manacled, and what is more,
contained within this large mail bag,
possibly even one of
the Great Train Robbery
mail bags itself.
(dog barks)
Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Cedric
will attempt to escape from this bag
in two minutes, 120 seconds...
(Cedric sneezes)
Bless you!
Thank you.
Greenwich Mean Time.
(crowd laughs)
(chain clatters)
(dog barks)
(Cedric groans)
Shut up!
(whip cracks)
Ladies and gentlemen, a little
appreciation if you please.
Thank you very much, sir.
(dog barks)
A little appreciation in the shape of
any form of silver, thank
you very much, madam.
Thank you very much, thank you.
(whip cracks)
Come along, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
To get the Great Cedric
(coins clatter)
A little appreciation.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Cedric perform
for a handful of coppers?
A few pennies and a
couple of green stamps!
The Great Cedric will not perform
until some real money,
real money, has been...
(hooter honks)
(wheels screech)
(vehicles crash)
(playful music)
(car door bangs)
(bumper clatters)
What the devil do
you think you're doing?
Now, don't touch anything
until a policeman arrives.
Well, why the flaming
blazes didn't you flaming well
look where you're flaming well going, eh?
(crowd laughs)
[Bear] I'd like to see
your driving licence.
Yes, indeed, I want to
take down your particulars.
Now, take your time, bluey.
Now don't flash your claws at me.
(motorcycle engine revs)
(policeman laughs)
Oh, no, I'm gone.
(motorcycle engine revs)
(Cedric groans)
[Cedric] Manfred, where are you?
Quick, quick, quick!
- Matches.
- (stick thuds)
Boot laces.
Matches.
Boot laces.
Help an old soldier, madam?
(coin thuds)
Bless you, here, here.
No, thank you, that's fine.
I bet you've got a lucky face lady.
Matches, boot laces.
Matches, boot laces.
(chain clatters)
[Cedric] Is that you, Fred?
Matches, boot laces.
[Cedric] What's going on, Fred?
Ah, thank you, my friend.
(horn hoots)
You're most kind to an old soldier.
[Cedric] Oh, thanks very much.
You wouldn't have six
pence for a cup of coffee?
I said you wouldn't have six
pence for a cup of coffee?
(chain clatters)
What the...
Cor blimey!
[Cedric] Fred!
Fred!
(horn hoots)
Where are you?
Fred!
(upbeat 60s music)
[Man] I say, excuse me, sir.
[Woman] Ere, come ere, darling.
(people chatting)
[Bike Rider] Come on, Barbara.
(motorbike engine revs)
I'm coming, ain't I, dozey!
(wire twangs)
(trousers rip)
(woman screams)
(all laugh)
(upbeat music)
Right away, late paper.
[Horace] Morning, Joey.
Look after these for me, will ya?
Okay, Horace.
Mr. Quilby?
- [Man] I'm afraid not.
- Oh, sorry, sir.
(bell rings)
- Yes?
- Mr. Quilby?
Yes.
There's a telephone message, sir.
Would you like to come this way?
Oh, thank you.
(phone clanks)
[Bellboy] The call
for Mr. Quilby, please.
There you are, sir.
Thank you, son.
All right, thank you very much, sir.
Hello.
[Mrs. De Vere] Oh, aren't
you the London Hilton?
No, this is Horace Quilby speaking.
Oh, Mr. Quilby, oh yes,
that's who I wanted to speak to.
Esmeralda's not back yet.
[Horace] Oh, it's you, Mrs. De Vere.
Yes.
[Horace] Oh, well, no news is good news,
that's what I always say.
Funny, that's what I always say.
By the way, I'll be at
the next number on your list
at two o'clock.
Goodbye, Mrs. De Vere.
Goodbye, Mr. Quilby.
Don't forget, keep your pecker up.
Eh?
Oh, yes, thank you, bye.
- Bye.
- (phone clanks)
Shall we go in, darling?
A drink, sir.
I can thoroughly recommend it, sir,
the last of the Dom Perignon '47.
Would you care to leave your hat, sir.
Reception's in the hotel.
[Horace] Thank you, I don't
think you quite understand.
Smoked salmon, sir.
Oh, thank you.
I don't think you quite understand.
How do you fancy your
chances today, sir?
Now then, none of that,
I know your little game.
You're not gonna get away with it.
Trying to buy that filly I want, hey.
You know I've got first refusal.
What did he offer you,
50,000 pounds, I suppose?
Not worth a penny more than 40, I said 40.
Not that I don't know who you are.
I remember you even without your beard.
Yes, I've got a photographic
memory, you know.
You haven't got a chance with me.
How are you, my dear Maharaja?
No.
Don't you remember me, Delhi 1938,
Lord Uffingham, of course you do.
On the lawn, down at the Royal box, yes.
I've got a photographic memory, you know.
How are you my dear, Maharaja?
He's the Maharaja of Cut.
The Maharaja of what?
Cut, Maharaja of Cut.
What you shaking your head for?
Don't you remember me?
You're not the Maharaja?
Oh, dear, who are you then?
Oh-hoh, that blessed little
gesture gave it away.
You're the Bishop who
was standing next to him,
that very day, same photograph
but a different fellow, you see.
Not far out though,
you were standing next to
the Maharaja, weren't you,
in front of the Royal box, yes.
Don't you remember, Viceroy of Coventry?
Of course, he's a bit of a basher.
I beg your pardon, dear.
You know my old friend,
Sir Malcolm Moleskin?
Sir Mervin Moleskin.
Oh, Sir Mervin, bit of a badger.
Oh, he's shaking his head again,
what's going on with
my photographic memory.
Aren't you...
Well, tell me who you are then?
Quilby, Horace Quilby, Sir.
Of course, Sir Horace Quilby, a hero.
Shake hands, shake hands
with him, be proud to do so.
He's a hero, he's the greatest pig sticker
in the northwest runt (laughs).
Congratulations, I'm delighted.
You must excuse us, will you, please?
Yes.
Pleasure to meet you,
you're a living legend, yes.
Living legend.
I remember when you throttled
your first tiger, yes.
Photographic memory.
- Photographic memory.
- Photographic memory.
(snack thuds)
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me, sir.
Eh, oh, yes?
Forgive me, sir, for interrupting.
I couldn't help overhearing
your conversation
with Lord Uffingham, sir.
Being a punter, I fancy a
bit of a flutter myself, sir.
Would it be too
presumptuous on my part, sir,
if I could ask you as an owner,
if you had any chance
at all of winning today?
Me, as an owner?
Oh, my Esmeralda!
Oh, she's got every chance of
getting into the first three.
Esmeralda, sir?
- Yes.
- Each way?
On the beak, six to one.
On the nose, six to one.
Thank you, sir.
That's all right.
Thank you very much indeed, sir.
That's brilliant.
Six to one, the three o'clock at Kempton.
Late paper!
They're all potty in there, mate.
Thanks for the boards, see ya.
(upbeat music)
(coin cans rattling)
Right, I'll let you
know, good afternoon.
Steven.
Horace?
What are you doing here?
Well, I've come about Sue.
Pretend you're customer.
Hey!
(door clicks)
How is she, Mr. Quilby?
Oh, there's no need to worry, Steven.
Sue's just a bit upset, that's all.
You know, things ain't
exactly what they seem to be.
There's no need to be jealous, boy.
Sue loves you very much indeed.
It's only that she's young and, well,
she wants a little bit of a career.
Well, listen, Horace,
I earn quite enough to
keep Sue very comfortably
when we're married.
I don't want her to work.
Yes, Your Grace,
yes, this has been completed
to your specification.
We hope to be able to deliver it to you
very early indeed next week.
But she wants a little
bit of recognition,
a little taste of success.
Why don't you help her to enjoy it?
Let her have a moment of glory.
Show her you're proud of her.
You know, Horace,
I'd never thought of it
that way before.
Have you any idea where Sue is now?
No, but I know she'll be later.
She'll be out in the park by
that big new floral display
down by the South Gate.
Yes, goodbye.
(phone clanks)
I'll go and see her, you're quite right.
I've made a complete ass of myself.
I'll go and apologise.
Good lad.
All right, Mansfield,
I'll take over now.
No, sir, Mr. Quilby is a friend...
- On your way, Mansfield.
- No, really...
(door slams)
Now, sir, what do we have in mind?
In mind?
Yes, well, I don't think
you've got anything suitable.
But I assure you, sir,
we have the finest selection
of Rolls and Bentleys,
and top international
prestige cars of the world.
Oh, yes, I'm sure, I'm quite sure.
I just don't think that they would fulfil
my somewhat peculiar requirements.
We are noted here for
fulfilling peculiar requirements.
Now, I might just show you
this Phantom V over here.
[Horace] Oh, yes.
(door clicks)
Thank you.
Beautiful, eh?
Oh, yes.
There's only one thing.
- The doors.
- The doors?
Yes, you see, the doors have neither
the height nor the width
for my rather exacting requirements.
Oh, rest assured, these doors could
comfortably accommodate a
gentleman of your stature.
They are a standard size.
Of course, should you require
a special modification order...
Well, might have to
have a new body design.
Rest assured, with a long wheel base,
our coach builders could easily
satisfy your requirements.
Now, if you would just allow
me to make a small estimate,
special body,
12,000,
a cocktail cabinet, 500,
Refrigeration, stereophonic tape,
we'll put those two
together, I would say 700.
(upbeat jazz band music)
Telephone line, of course
you'll require that,
350.
Television, 200.
I think that's about it.
Well, let's say an
overall figure of, oh, say
roughly 21,000, give or take.
Excuse me, sir.
I feel you're making a
terrible mistake, sir.
Should I require your
advice, rest assured,
I shall ask to be informed.
Until then, the rest
is silence, Mansfield.
May I inquire the purpose
for which you require these
extra large doors?
How else can I get in and out of the car
with me boards on?
(hand bangs)
Good day.
(Horace laughs)
(Abdul sings)
Hello, Abdul.
Salaam, Horace.
[Horace] Had a good day?
Simply spiffing.
Arise.
(magical music)
Cease.
All right, Fred, take it away.
(Horace laughs)
(feet tapping)
Mac?
(board clatters)
Must be on the stage.
Oh, but you promised.
Cobblers.
Oh please, Mac!
Cobblers is not open 'til three o'clock,
I cannot get your tap shoes mended,
I don't care how worn out you are.
(feet thudding)
Hello, Mac.
Be discreet, be discreet.
Sorry, mate, how's business?
Business is diaboli-olical.
I don't know what the
public wants these days.
I've got 20 loose-limbed, high-kicking,
precision beautiful chorus girls,
they moves as one, sometimes.
Cor, business is diaboli-olical.
Well, in that case,
I wonder if I could have a chance
of a couple of complimentary tickets.
Not a chance, mate.
We're packed out, they're
standing in the aisles.
Has Mrs. De Vere phoned?
I'd have told you if she had, Horace.
I don't give much for
your Esmeralda's chances,
not with this gale ablowing.
Gale?
Straight up.
Believe me, mate, the whole of the channel
is going to be covered with
pathetic little bundles
of floating feathers.
Blimey.
Well, nice to see you, Horace, mate.
I do enjoy these cheery
little chats of ours.
Telephone for you, Mac.
See you later, mate.
Hello, Horace.
Hello, dear.
Oh, Captain Senapod?
[Captain] Yeah.
Your running time has been cut short.
[Captain] Nine, nine.
[Woman] All right, girls, take five.
Hello, stage doorkeeper.
No.
Oh my gaud, you don't say.
Oh, no, what a tragedy.
He was here a moment ago.
I was just talking to him.
Yes, I'll get onto it right away.
I'll tell him.
- Horace...
- Not Esmeralda?
No, it's Frederico, the contortionist.
He's had a diaboli-lolical
thing happen to him.
He's done himself a mischief.
I've gotta phone a doctor.
Well, don't stand there
cluttering up the gangway,
he may be all knotted up.
We may have to thread him through.
Hello?
Hello?
(lighthearted music)
(bus engine hums)
I hear Donna Carstairs has had another.
[Man] Really, sir,
what was it this time?
I don't know, it blew away before
they could get a look at it.
I understand, sir, there were 69 of them
all doing it in the same place.
And at the same time I understand?
Yes, sir, I do think it's a bit strong.
Well, the trouble with
the brigade these days is,
Jeremy, there are far
too many hot heads in it.
I thoroughly concur, sir.
(marching music)
(upbeat music)
(water flushes)
(women scream)
How dare you, madam!
(umbrella clatters)
How dare you!
You've no decency!
(stick thuds)
(man yells)
(sign clanks)
I'll get you, don't you worry.
I'll get a policeman on you.
(feet thud)
(lighthearted music)
(feet tapping)
(boat motor buzzes)
What, what?
Get away, get away.
What are they doing with their boats?
Radio controlled boats, get away.
(mischievous music)
(phone taps)
(bell chimes)
(metal clanks)
(Horace laughs)
(birds chirp)
(children shouting)
(mellow music)
(children shouting)
What a lovely colour, you
see, would be marvellous.
The sun's up there,
everything's just right.
Get those people out the way.
You stand over towards the centre, yes.
Marvellous, marvellous.
Good, now just...
You ready?
Good, brolly up, oh, that's pretty.
And the collar I think, don't you?
Yes, just a sec, won't be a tick.
Won't be a tick.
And one of the holding, that's it, good.
Good, very good.
Fine, fine.
Right.
Yes, nice, nice.
No, not too much of that.
Now smile, good.
Lovely smile, very good.
(camera clicks)
Just one more, one more please, one more.
Hold it nicely.
That's it, oh beautiful, yes.
Thank you.
Right, now we'll just try
it with this gorgeous hat.
Now, be very careful with it, won't you?
That's it, yes, whoops-a-daisy.
What you doing with that, keep
it near your leg, darling.
Don't want it all over the place.
Morning.
Right, good, hold it.
Yes, I like it, I like it.
One more, one more, don't move.
Oh, hell, oh, there we are.
Right, gimme the hat, darling, yes.
Give it to me.
Yes, undo the coat, and
the belt off and things.
And the buttons, lovely.
It's all au fait today, isn't it?
Still, we've got a lovely
day for it, haven't we?
Oh!
(rain patters)
It's starting to rain.
Oh, no.
Don't stand...
Mind the head, take it off, take it off.
Take it off!
Take it off.
It'll get wet.
Fast, you silly girl.
It'll have to go back in the box.
Take it off.
Did you hear what I said?
Take it off.
Take it off.
Take it off.
(Sue groans)
What do you think you're playing at?
(fist thuds)
(body thuds)
There you are, there's
your boyfriend for you.
Now look what you've done.
You big bully.
Oh, Harold, are you all right?
- I think so.
- [Steven] There you go.
I don't want that coat, you big bully.
I dunno what the wife's
gonna say about this?
Is it swelling?
Here, look, are you married?
Of course I'm married.
Hello, I thought you were
after Sue or something.
Do me a favour, I'm married,
I've got four kids, and a
smash in the mouth, didn't I?
I'm terribly sorry.
Why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't you tell him?
Oh, you men, you make me so angry.
I never want to see either of you again.
- Hey, Sue.
- Sue.
(horn hoots)
Here, Steven, you look
after your gentleman.
(car door bangs)
I'll find Sue.
Cor, mate, you don't
'alf put your foot in it.
[Steven] Thanks, Mr. Quilby.
- Hey, watch it!
- (car engine revs)
(wheels screech)
(lighthearted music)
(birds chirp)
Pss!
Pss!
Excuse me.
How do you do?
May I call your particular attention
to the notice and its contents?
Delphinia gigantica.
Do you know, it takes five years
from the tiny seed that I've
nurtured with loving care,
to the full paregoric
effect you see here today.
These beautiful blooms are
extraordinarily delicate.
So would you mind taking
your dirty great hooter
out of their fragrant petals?
Thank you.
Afternoon, sir.
(toy gun bangs)
(lawnmower rattles)
Here, let me help you.
Here, there we are.
All right?
Afternoon, Em.
Afternoon.
Turned out nice again, ain't
it, after all the rain.
[Horace] Yeah, very changeable.
[Ern] Yes, it is.
Well, I mean, you've gotta expect it
this time a year, ain't ya?
I mean, it's very unsettled now.
[Horace] Still very
nice display of flowers,
especially them Cinerarias.
[Ern] Oh well, back to the grindstone.
Cheerio, Horace.
[Horace] Cheerio, Ern.
Oh, thank you.
- Ta-ta...
- (lawnmower revs)
(Ern yells)
(Ern yelling)
[Woman] Steven, you naughty boy.
Steve, come back.
I'll get you, Steven.
You wait.
Come here, come back.
No, don't pull away from me.
Come on, come and apologise.
(lawnmower thunders)
Here, me mower, come back!
Here...
(body thuds)
Sorry, mate.
Come back.
I like your gun turret.
It's your beautiful rigging
that I like, Commander.
Oh really, thank you.
Thank you, taken me 20 years.
Indeed?
Oh yes, yes.
I should hate anything to
happen to it, you know?
- Well, goodbye.
- Goodbye, Commander.
(woman screams)
(lawnmower engine revs)
Go away, go away.
Don't follow me.
My boat, my boat!
Hey, look out, look out.
(dogs bark)
(Commander yells)
Go away!
(people yell)
[Ern] Yelp, stop me mower, somebody.
Hey.
(family yell)
(lawnmower engine revs)
(chairs clatter)
(man yells)
(Ern gasps)
It would ruin my life...
Watch it, watch it!
(Commander groans)
Great steaming compost.
Ah, ah.
Hey, hey,
hey?
Hey, hey!
What!
Where is it?
(boat crunches)
(Commander cries)
(flowers crunch)
(melancholy music)
Hey, Sue.
Suzie.
Where have you been, girl?
I've been looking all
over the park for you.
Oh, everything seems to
have gone wrong, Mr. Quilby.
I know now that I love Steven,
and he only hit Harold,
'cause he loves me.
Well, of course.
Everything will work
out all right, you see.
Look, I'm gonna take
the river bus back home,
why don't you join me?
You could nip back to the
studio and get changed,
and go and meet me down at the Embankment
in about half an hour at the
river bus stop, all right?
Come on then.
(cars hoot)
(lawnmower engine revs)
(hooves clopping)
(traffic hums)
(horns toot)
(lawnmower shudders)
(metre rings)
(both laugh)
You the driver of this vehicle?
Yeah, yeah, it's not my fault, see,
in the park, the kid
pulled the thing out...
Oh, yes?
(Ern speaks nonsense)
Very nasty it was, very nasty.
I see, a likely story.
(Ern speaks nonsense)
I know your sort, you ton-up dragster.
What's this?
It wasn't my fault, I kept telling you,
it was his...
(foot thuds)
Now see what you've done.
I'll get even with you.
(horn blasts)
(upbeat music)
(traffic hums)
Mr. Dean, a very good
afternoon to you, sir.
We made it.
We certainly did, sir,
right on time for time call.
Yes, well, I'm very sorry about that,
very, very sorry indeed.
What do you mean, sorry, Mr. Dean?
Well, the concert has been cancelled.
The club has been closed by the police.
But, Mr. Dean, we have
a contract to work here.
Yes, yes, we have a contract.
It is written here in black and white.
I know about the contract, boys,
but I would call your attention
particularly to clause 12.
Clause 12, where, where?
The small print.
Unless I am grievously mistaken,
and that would certainly
be for the first time,
clause 12 reads,
"The party of the first part",
that is me, Ranjit Dean,
"has the right to cancel
without notice or payment
"the performance by the
party of the second part,"
that is you, De Sikhers,
"in the event of all civil action,
"strike, flood, fire,
lightning, or act of God."
Well, to me, boys,
the Commissioner of the
Metropolitan Police is God.
And he just acted.
Sorry, boys, the club is closed.
Good afternoon.
(sad trumpet music)
(bus engine hums)
(uplifting music)
(coin clatters)
Can I speak to Mr. Mansfield, please?
[Steven] This is Mansfield speaking.
Oh, hello, it's Horace here, Steven.
Now listen, I've talked to Sue,
and everything will be all right, yeah.
I've just had a bit of an idea.
Now, this is what I want you to do, boy.
Meet me down at the river
bus in about half an hour.
[Steven] Okay.
- All right.
- [Steven] Right.
And what we'll do...
(boat engine hums)
(seagulls squawking)
Hello, Sue.
Hello, Mr. Quilby.
Excuse me, but the young
lady's keeping my place
in the queue for me.
You been waiting long?
No, not long, about five minutes.
Ah, well, river bus
will be along in a minute.
There you are then, Nobby.
I've checked your yacht, Mr. Yurinovski,
it's still there.
Yes, we have some bananas.
Right, is that the lot then?
Don't forget your weekend stores.
Oh, I see it's gonna
be a working weekend.
All ship shape and Bristol fashion,
pass down the boat, would you please.
Right, all ashore that's going ashore.
All aboard for the Skylark.
Well?
Oh, do you want me to
cast off the bow line?
No, just untie that bit of
string in the front, would you?
(boat engine revs)
(water splashes)
[Horace] Cor, look at that nit!
There you are, Nobby.
Thank you, darling.
Hold on to your rollocks, ladies.
Excuse me, sir,
let's give you a bit of
a prod in your starboard.
I don't do this for a living, you know,
actually I'm a professional...
(water splashes)
(women scream)
Hold on tight, ladies, don't panic.
Maniac!
Come on, let's get this
boat right, up your snorkel.
(water splashes)
(man yells)
[Man In Cycle] Number three,
anyone hear what I'm saying?
Number four, tell number
three what I'm saying.
Watch out, you catch of crabs.
Heads between your knees, lads.
(boat revs)
(water splashes)
(man yells)
(body splashes)
(woman screams)
He's coming round again.
Clear off!
(all shouting)
You'll have us all in the water!
Vincent!
Vincent!
Hang on, Nobby!
Hold on, Nobby, I'll save you.
Hold on, Nobby, just a minute.
I'll be there...
(all shouting)
(water splashing)
Get moving, Cox, drive yourself, Cox.
Pull harder strokes.
I'm coming to save you, Nobby.
Don't you worry, it's
only a five knot tide.
Vincent's coming.
(all yelling)
(boat engine revs)
You're snatching at it, man.
Don't snatch at it, get some order.
Here you are, Nobby, cop a hold of this.
Get on your side, five.
You want to give her power, up, up.
You're snatching at it, man.
Don't snatch at it.
Don't snatch!
Don't snatch at it.
I can't hear you, coach.
You're not fit to run a peddle boat,
look where you're going.
(cycle thuds)
Can't you hear me?
I can't hear you, coach.
(women scream)
Come on, Nobby.
Pull me up!
(boat engine revs)
(all scream)
(bodies splash)
Cox, look out for the bridge, Cox!
I can't hear you, coach.
Stay on to the left,
Cox, no, to the right.
Overhead, Cox.
You're slipping!
(Cox yells)
(Nobby splashes)
Nobby, you slipped off.
Don't worry, I'll see
you on the other side.
(boat hooter blasting)
Look out, Cox!
Don't worry, boys, I'll save you.
I can't swim!
(boys splashing)
(boys yell)
(boat hooter blasts)
(speed boat revs)
(water splashing)
Don't get off the boat, lads,
remember we are British.
(rope thuds)
Hang on, I'm going to save you.
(boat hooter blasts)
Super!
Goodbye!
(water skier yells)
(crash)
(upbeat music)
(water splashes)
I'm going to save you.
(boys splashing)
(car horn hoots)
[Steven] Sue, darling,
I'm terribly sorry,
I've been a complete idiot, forgive me.
No, it's my fault.
No, it's my fault.
No, really, it's my fault.
I said it's my fault.
Time!
Oh my gaud, don't let's
start that all over again.
(all laugh)
Thanks, Mr. Quilby.
Thanks for everything.
That's all right, Steven.
Come on, I'll give you a lift home.
Come on, Mr. Quilby, come with us.
Well, well, no, it's
very kind of you both,
you two wanna be alone.
I can easily take the river boat.
[Steven] No, Horace, I
insist, I won't hear of it.
We wouldn't dream of it.
Jump in, Mr. Quilby.
Are you sure?
All right.
(board clatters)
All right then, Sue?
- Yes, darling.
- (car door bangs)
[Steven] All right, Mr. Quilby?
Thank you, Steven.
(car engine revs)
(upbeat music)
Here, Steven, steady on, mate.
[Steven] Hold tight,
we're going in the water.
[Horace] What are you doing?
(water splashes)
(car engine hums)
[Steven] What's happening?
[Sue] What's happening in the street.
[Horace] Hey, what's going on?
[Steven] They've got all the flags up.
[Horace] What's going on?
What's happening?
Oh, look, here they come.
Yes, it's them.
Abdul!
("For He's a Jolly Good Fellow")
What's going on then?
Oh, there's a great
banner across the street.
[Horace] What's going on, mate?
Here, what's he saying, Steven?
[Steven] What are they saying?
- What is it, son?
- (children yell)
(women cheering)
What it is, son, what is it?
What's the party for?
It is, it's Esmeralda!
Esmeralda's won.
Esmeralda!
Esmeralda's won!
Esmeralda's won!
My Esmeralda, she's won!
She's back, yes.
She's won, yes, she's won.
She's won, she's won!
To the loft.
Go to the loft.
Oh, thank you.
(people cheering)
Esmeralda, oh, oh, look at you!
Oh, you little darling.
Mr. Quilby, could you hold Esmeralda
a little higher please?
How far is it from Bordeaux?
Oh, it must be all of
about 475 miles, Steven.
As the crow flies.
Ha-ha-ha, I mean pigeon.
(all laugh)
Mr. Quilby, just one more, please.
That's her best profile.
Come on, Mr. Quilby, they're
waiting to start the party.
(people laughing)
(man yells)
(bodies thud)
(woman screams)
(body thuds)
(woman screams)
(man yells)
(boat engine hoots)
(motorcycle engine roars)
(boat hoots)
(upbeat music)
No, no, no!
No, no, Gogi, you are very silly.
It is definitely Arsenal for Baker.
They're the best football
team in the whole of England.
Oh, Ram, you are so mistaken.
Look, after the form they
showed last week Spurs,
what must we do?
Arsenal in dead shtook, no chance at all.
Oh, Daisy?
[Daisy] What is it, Gogi?
Don't forget the postal order.
[Daisy] All right.
Gogi, you are a sugar,
even with Stanley Matthews,
Danny Blanchflower, and
Jimmy Greaves together,
they couldn't beat them.
Tottenham Hotspur are a dead loss.
[Gogi] You said that last week
when you ruined the lip plan.
Lip plan, I told you feet plan.
- It is lip pit.
- (cycle bell rings)
[Cyclist] Hey, Yogi
Bear, get off the road!
[Gogi] And the same to you.
(upbeat music)
(letterbox clatters)
(door bangs)
(Abdul mutters)
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom ♪
(door clanks)
(door clatters)
(boat hoots)
(door slams)
(pigeons cooing)
Morning, my loves.
Come on then, come on!
Hello, Nelson,
Pretty Reagan, how are you, Striker?
Hello, Cassius, what are
you doing down there?
There we are!
Esmeralda not back yet, heh?
Well, you'll get married when she does.
(carpet beater thudding)
Oh, good morning, Mr. Quilby.
Oh, good morning, Mrs. De Vere.
I'll be right over here.
There we are, Cassius.
(carpet beater thuds)
See you later!
Is Esmeralda back yet?
No, not yet, Mrs. De Vere.
Bordeaux's a long flight,
even for my little Esmeralda.
Yes, but you don't worry, she'll win.
I've got five bob on her beak.
Oh, she's every chance,
Mrs. De Vere, every chance.
Mind you, it's not just the money,
but if my little Esmeralda
comes in in the first three,
I'm a dead cert to make president
of our local Pigeon Racing Association.
Yes, well, now while
we are on this subject,
there is one little matter
that I would like to discuss with you.
Oh!
Yes, it's about your
pigeons and my washing.
- Oh!
- My white washing.
(dog barks)
To put it absolutely bluntly,
when they've flown over
it's just not dazzling white anymore.
Well, I'm very, very
sorry, Mrs. De Vere.
Yes, well, if you could keep
the birds in the pigeon loft
on a washday, I would
be more than grateful.
Oh, I certainly will.
I mean, I'm not one to grumble.
My late husband, Percy,
he would bear a witness to that fact.
I'm quite sure of that.
Ah, yes, that's what I like about you,
your sympathy, and your understanding.
I suppose it's because, well,
you are a widower yourself.
Oh, I know, you've got your pigeons,
and I've got my bingo.
But, well, when you've been married
it's not really enough, is it?
Not really, no.
Not really, no.
I mean, I'm not grumbling.
British Railways have
been more than generous
with the pension,
but it can be lonely being
a wheel tappers widow.
I'm sure.
You're not a bit like
my late Percy, really.
No, oh, he was massive, simply massive.
Massive?
Big man, yeah.
Oh, yes.
Well, to return to the
subject of Esmeralda,
you remember the procedure?
Yes, I think so.
Now when my little
Esmeralda enters the loft,
the bell with then ring,
take the little rubber ring off her leg,
put it into the time clock, strike it,
and then take it straight
down to the judges.
Yes, well, I'll keep
my eyes open for her.
And would you like me to keep
phoning you during the day?
Oh, yes.
Here is a list of the telephone numbers
where I will be available
throughout the day.
Oh, yes, same as last year, yes.
Well, I'll keep you informed Mr. Quilby.
I'm more than grateful, Mrs. De Vere.
It's a pleasure, Mr. Quilby.
Thank you.
Yes.
(mellow band music)
Bye, bye, Mrs. De Vere.
Goodbye, Mr. Quilby.
Goodbye.
(carpet beater thuds)
(playful music)
(heels tapping)
[Gogi] And if they live to be 100,
Spurs still will beat you.
[Ram] Gogi, you should live so long!
[Horace] Good morning, Ram, Gogi.
[Gogi] Good morning, Horace.
Morning, Abdul.
Look, very good quality.
No, thanks, I've got
enough underwear (laughs).
Morning, gents.
- Morning.
- Morning, Horace.
Morning.
Hello, good morning, Sue.
Morning, Mr. Quilby.
(car engine roars)
[Steven] Good morning, Sue,
I thought I'd missed you.
Morning, Steven.
Good morning, Mr. Quilby,
can I give you a lift, I'm
just running Sue up west?
That's very kind of you.
Mr. Quilby, would you
mind telling Mr. Mansfield
I'll be going by bus today.
I prefer to travel with my friends.
Oh, come on, Sue, hop
in, don't mess about.
Yes, go on, Sue, you'll get
up the West End much quicker.
And another thing, would
you tell the gentleman
if he hasn't the courtesy to apologise
for his disgraceful behaviour last night,
I don't want to discuss the matter,
or to see him ever again.
Me apologise!
Who was out with a photographer
on a so-called session
till 10 o'clock yesterday evening?
Funny sort of business
you're in, I must say,
you always seem to work at night.
(bus hoots)
Bye, Steven.
(car engine revs)
(crowd yelling)
[Ram] Don't push,
don't get excited, Gogi.
[Gogi] Just pick it up,
we're losing our place.
Take this, take it from me, Ram.
After you, Gogi.
Most kind, Horace.
Ere, what's all this, man?
Rhythm section?
I don't care, Raz, if
you're the Royal Philharmonic,
not on my bus.
Excuse me, please.
What do you mean, not on your bus?
Not on my bus!
But how are we going to
get to the jazz festival?
Sorry, man, but that is your problem.
This one is mine, not on my bus.
Discrimination.
That's the word, Ram, discrimination.
Look, man, I don't
want to trouble you here.
My bus don't move until
this rhythm section
is off my platform.
You and who else is going to move
our instruments off your bus?
No violence, Ram,
passive resistance only.
Passive resistance.
All right.
All right.
If that's the way you want it,
it's all right with me, brother.
(bell rings)
(dramatic music)
Morning, Nosher.
[Nosher] Good morning,
Mr. Quilby, excuse me.
(board clatters)
Hello, hello.
A bit of bother, Bernard?
No bother, sir.
He was just helping us off the bus.
Well in that case, I'll give you a hand.
Most kind, sir, most kind.
No, no, I can manage, thank you.
(cases clatter)
[Nosher] Will that be all, Bernard?
Thank you, Nosher.
[Nosher] Thank you, Bernard.
Bye, Nosher.
Morning, Bernard.
Morning, Mr. Quilby.
Would you like a Weight?
No, thank you, not while I'm on duty.
Oh.
Nice day for a stroll
around the West End.
Very nice.
Is Esmeralda back yet?
No, not yet, Bernard.
See you later.
No smoking inside, Mr. Quilby.
Sorry, mate.
(bell rings)
Another traffic jam.
I suppose there's a copper on duty.
And it started to rain,
I'm glad I put my mac on.
I must get one of those.
Not a very nice day for you
to walk around, Mr. Quilby.
Ah, it's probably just a shower, dear.
It'll turn out nice later.
- Oh, hope so.
- We hope.
What you gonna get, black or red?
I think I'll stick to the black.
Why not the red?
'Cause my boyfriend's
kinky, he's not a communist.
(hooters blasting)
(bicycle crashes)
(hooters blasting)
What's your game, swerving in like that?
Why don't you (hoot) off.
(hand bangs)
What about a hand signal?
I say, you,
take your dirty hands off
my Rolls, and go away.
Right, that's it, that's it.
(car hoots)
What's the matter, mate?
He just knocked me off my bloody bike.
(motorbike revs)
You were saying?
Well, officer, I can explain.
I mean...
We're, we're awfully sorry, aren't we?
We didn't realise, you see.
We just didn't realise.
I mean, we're all men of the world,
aren't we, Officer?
Oh, absolutely, well done.
Carry on, gentlemen, you're doing fine.
I've only just come on
duty, I have all day.
(pad thuds)
Well, I mean...
(bus engine hums)
(60s pop music)
[Horace] Morning, Admiral.
Good morning.
Nice day for sale.
(both laugh)
Morning, Maggie.
Hello, Horace.
Could I have a nice cup of tea, girl?
Right, do you want a sandwich?
No, no, thanks.
Morning, Fred.
(Fred groans)
What's the matter, mate?
Well, I'm having a bit
of trouble with the arm.
I got caught in the early morning rain.
Give us a hand with this.
Yeah, sure.
(armour clatters)
What's the matter with the arm then?
Rheumatism?
No, rust.
Morning, Abadier.
Oh, good morning.
Acts three and four.
Horace, I would like you
to meet our new recruit,
Mr. George Pocket,
he's with Fred's Nude Sexarama.
They are daughters of
Felicia, painted and ungodly,
but who are we to judge them?
However, Mr. Pocket, this is Mr. Quilby,
our honorary secretary, what
I've been telling you about.
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Quilby.
How do?
I've seen you around
the West End for years.
Oh, really?
Do you wish to join our
Sandwich Man's brotherhood?
Oh yes, I do indeed.
Oh, well, in that case,
here is the entry form.
If you'd kindly fill that in.
Oh, thank you, Maggie.
Our terms are annual
subscription 4 and 9 pence.
Plus a further half a crown,
just to cover the membership
card, literature and badge.
I regret no checks, not unless
you come from a fixed abode.
Oh, and one other thing, Mr. Pocket,
our motto is a fair day's
walk for a fair day's pay.
If you'll take the advice
of an elderly sandwich man,
see it all happen, but never get involved.
In other words, Brother
Pocket, keep dead shtoom.
And wander not from the paths
of righteousness, brother.
(pamphlet slaps)
Bye, Abadier, Pocket.
Morning, Edgar.
Morning, Horace.
How are you, all right?
Palpating in the torch light.
Morning, Sid.
Huh, ah, morning.
How's Gypsy Cynthia,
palmist extraordinary?
Mom's very well, thank you.
Sid, I just wondered how you
fancied Esmeralda's chances
in the national.
According to the leaves,
your bird's got a very fine chance indeed,
due to the presence of certain
beneficent occult forces.
What occult forces?
(Sid gasps)
(tense music)
I see water, a lot of water.
I see a bird.
It's a pigeon, she's...
It's Esmeralda!
There's wind, great wind.
It's a tailwind, it's behind her.
The spirit of the element says it is so.
Cool, that's fantastic.
It's just like the weather
forecast this morning.
[Edgar] Just the same, yeah.
I'm afraid I can't tell you no more.
You see, they buy their tea in bulk here,
you don't get a good readable
dreg like from the packet tea.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, Sid.
- The giant electric eel...
- (chair clatters)
Bye, Horace.
Bye, mate.
You coming, Horace?
Yes, I'm coming, Sir Fred.
(people chattering)
Morning, Harry.
All right, Fred.
(men yell)
(boat toots)
Hey, good morning, Mister, good morning.
I'm bringing this beautiful
carpet that I promised for you.
How much?
As we are allies, 50
pounds, I'm giving it away.
You give it to somebody else.
No, no, no, Mister,
please, Mister, please.
A jewel of the orient,
I'm bringing it halfway across London.
It's...
Very well, special price, 40 pounds,
and I'm ruining myself.
Look, Farook, I got a wife
and four children to support.
This is my last word, 20 pound.
I have three wives, and
one children to support,
30 pounds.
(hand slaps)
You got yourself a deal.
(Abdul laughs)
Allah be praised.
There you are, 10 pound,
20 pound,
(fish thuds)
30 pound.
(fish thuds)
Cod!
It's a pleasure to do
business with you, Codman Andy.
(Abdul hums)
(men shout)
Did you see Dr. Kildare last night?
No, I prefer Dr. Ben Casey myself.
Well, you really missed something.
He did one of the best
operations I've ever seen.
Oh, what was it?
And abominable operation.
Oh,
with complications?
Several, and he was marvellous.
He was so gentle and quick.
He's got such beautiful hands.
Oh, you've noticed?
Not many.
Real surgeon's hands, he's got,
so long and slender, and
elegant in them rubber gloves.
He's not my cup of tea, I
prefer Dr. Ben Casey myself.
Now have you noticed his hands?
Yes, they're strong and hairy.
But lovely with it,
and ever so well kept.
Oh, he's wonderful at it.
He knocked me out last week
when that matron had everything removed.
Everything, what, kidneys and all?
Her kidneys weren't
any good to her anymore,
not as kidneys that is.
See, that's what I like
about Dr. Ben Casey,
he is so very thorough.
Well, Dr. Kildare's very thorough too.
And what's more, he's
operating again tonight.
Lily looked lovely in lilac.
She got married then?
[Man] Of course she got married.
Who married her?
A vicar!
Not the bleeding vicar, who'd she marry?
Oh, who'd she marry, you know, Peter.
What fat Peter on cod fillet?
[Man] He's not fat.
Not fat, he weighs 16 stone.
That's not fat, that's muscle.
Oh, she'll be all right then, won't she?
Where they going for the honeymoon,
the Cote D'Azur?
My handbag!
No, Grimsby.
How dare you, just who
do you think you are?
(playful music)
(woman screams)
(men laugh)
Morning, Joe.
Hello, Horace, nice to see you.
Are you ready?
(drill thundering)
(picks thudding)
Oi, where's my tea?
Where's Charlie's tea?
Where's Charlie's tea?
Where's Charlie's tea?
Where's Charlie's tea?
Tea for Charlie.
More tea for Charlie.
[Man] More tea for Charlie.
[Man] More tea for Charlie.
More tea for Charlie.
Here's his tea.
Here's his tea.
Charlie's tea.
(pick thuds)
(tea splashes)
[Man] More tea for Charlie.
More tea for Charlie.
[Worker] More tea for Charlie.
(playful music)
(spade thudding)
- Very nice.
- (coins splash)
Very good.
I like that one on the end,
that's a very good one.
Oi,
(tea splashes)
Do you mind!
You cheeky git.
What about my tea!
(cup clatters)
(playful music)
Now hold that, it goes
with the background here.
Oh, no, it's too high.
Throw it away, no, it's no good.
Oh, this is better.
You stand against the wall there,
I'll bring this in here,
and I'll put it just there like that.
Oh, thank you.
- Just what we need.
- Oil.
That's my shovel.
One quick photograph.
Never mind about that.
Please, don't keep pushing me, please.
That's my shovel.
Thank you very much, that's marvellous.
Right, where were we, darling?
Good, just stand there, fine, fine.
Hold it (squeals).
Cheeky thing.
Very good, now I think we'll just
put that over the shoulder, shall we?
That's nice, that shoulder first, good.
Hold it, now nice and
casual, casual, darling.
Very good.
Now I think we'll lose
the spade, shall we?
Just lose that, get rid of it.
Good, and unzip it, yes, open, yes.
Just, just zip it down, just...
That's it, that's fine,
and the knee, darling.
Oh, that's good, that's lovely.
That's a very sweet photo.
(car engine revs)
That's fine, now just zip it down,
throw it open, darling, that's fine,
and just do the hair a bit, that's fine.
And the knee, yes.
And the leg, a little
more leg, that's fine.
Yes, we're on the brink of
something good here, darling.
Lovely, lovely, lovely.
Good, that's very good.
Now just turn to the right,
and do one of your...
That's fine, stick it out, good.
Big smile, big smile.
Yes, very nice, low level, very low level.
Now I'll just do one more,
I think we've got it.
I think we can call it a day.
It's marvellous.
(photographer yells)
(men laugh)
(Steven laughs loudly)
That's just the kinda
thing I'd expect from you.
What do you mean by following me?
I was not following you.
I rang your agent, and he told
me where you were working,
and as I was demonstrating
this car for Mr. Ridley...
Oh, Mr. Ridley, Sue Langham,
Sue Langham, Mr. Ridley.
How do you do?
Oh, how'd you do?
So I drove over.
You...
You make me so angry.
Hey, steady on.
Oh, Harold, darling, don't worry,
we'll get you to a doctor.
So it's Harold darling now, is it?
What's the matter, hurt your finger?
Hope they amputated it.
Who's that?
Just some car salesman
who's always pestering me.
Pestering you, I thought we
were supposed to be in love.
Well, if that's the way
you feel about it, right!
(sand rustling)
(car revs)
Come along, Sue, it's only a tiff.
Steven's a nice boy.
I know, Mr. Quilby,
it's just that he doesn't understand.
I want to make something of myself,
and Harold's been such a help,
and such a dear.
(Sue cries)
[Horace] Do you really love Steven?
Yes, very much,
but we always seem to be fighting.
[Harold] Oh, there go
the water works already.
Here, are you working this afternoon?
Yes, we're taking some
colour pictures in the park
by the Love Gate (sobs).
Oh, come on!
[Horace] Blow your
nose and wipe your eyes.
I'll be up in the West End.
I'll nip into those car showrooms,
and have a few words with
that young man, all right, eh?
Oh, will you, Mr. Quilby?
You leave it to old Horace.
Now come on, darling,
we've got lots to do.
You get off, Harold.
Bye.
Oi, when you've sorted that lot out,
come and see my old woman,
she's been knocking me about for 20 years.
(men laugh)
(melancholy music)
(ball thuds)
(upbeat 60s music)
(Father yells)
(Father groans)
Are you right, Father?
(whistle blasts)
(feet thudding)
(whistle blasts)
(pommel horse thuds)
No, no, no, no!
That is not the way to do it.
You jump onto the springboard
as hard as you can.
(springboard thuds)
(wood clatters)
(boys laugh)
Sorry, Father.
This will help you to get your feet
well clear
(hands thud)
Of the box horse.
You don't have to hurry,
now remember that.
You don't have to hurry.
(playful music)
(body thuds)
That's all there is to it.
I'm a little out of practise.
(whistle blasts)
(whistle blasts)
(feet thud)
Howard, let me show you
how to do it.
Thank you very much, Father.
(elegant music)
That's how you do it.
(bat thuds)
(whistle blasts)
What are you doing up there?
Nothing, Father.
Well, you doing it wrong.
(drum roll)
(Father groans)
(whistle blasts)
Come on now, get hold, that's it.
Right, let go now, let go!
I don't know why you
have to stand under me
every time I do it.
You make me lose confidence.
Anyone would think I wasn't capable.
Father, will you come and see
if I'm doing the parallel bars all right?
Oh, sure, sure.
And I'd be delighted to give
you the benefit of my advice.
But I wanted to show you, Father.
Is it the back splits
you're wanting to learn?
You're facing the wrong way
for the back spits, Father.
Would you be after asking
me, or telling me what to do?
Careful, Father.
Shh, quiet now, Colin.
(body thuds)
All I need to know, Father, is this...
(upbeat drum music)
...all right?
(whistle blasts)
(feet patter)
Vernon, get, get the boxing gloves.
(whistle blasts)
(whistle blasts)
(Father snorts)
(whistle blasts)
(fist thuds)
(fist thuds)
(fist thuds)
See you tomorrow, Father.
Sorry about that left hook, Father,
and my head in your eye,
must have been very painful.
And that right cross, you ran
onto it, it wasn't my fault.
Not at all, Tommy.
You're not a good man, if
you can't be a good loser.
It was a beautiful right cross.
Keep it up, and God
willing, come Epiphany,
we'll slaughter the
Protestant Boys Brigade.
Bye to you now, Tommy.
Bye.
Bye, Father.
Oh, sorry, sir.
See you tomorrow, Father.
[Father] Yes, bye.
Good morning, Father.
(Horace laughs)
Good morning, Mr. Quilby.
Oh, Father, have there
been any phone calls for me?
Not yet, no.
Will it be Mrs. De Vere?
Oh, yes, it will be, yeah.
- Ah.
- When she does,
would you be so good is to tell her
that my next number is the Hilton Hotel.
The Hilton Hotel, I understand it's
a luscious place there.
Oh, it's smashing.
They tell me you can get
nice juicy steak there.
You look as though you could
do with one an' all (laughs).
A steak!
(Father laughs)
(both laugh loudly)
Bye, Father.
Bye, Mr. Quilby.
(whistle blasts)
(wood crashes)
(traffic hums)
[Man] I'd like a prawn salad.
- Eh?
- [Man] Prawn salad.
Prawn salad, what are you then,
some sort of poof, you'll
have hamburger and like it.
(playful music)
(man huffing)
[Man] Here, did you
tread in it after all?
(people cough)
(woman gasps)
Blimey, what a pen and ink.
Tony, did you already open
that new box of Gorgonzola?
I no touch the cheese.
Two hamburgers,
touch of chutney, piccalilli,
and a breath of tomato sauce,
no onions.
No onions?
Definitely no onions,
I got a date with my bird tonight,
and she can't stand the smell of onions.
(traffic hums)
Oh, it's no good, Gogi.
They're not going to stop.
It's these instruments.
Okay, Ram, I'll stay
here with the instruments.
You go around the corner, thumb a lift.
Good idea.
Here,
and this.
And here.
- Okay.
- Right.
(traffic hums)
Hello, Gogs!
Oh, Horace.
Oh, tell me my friend,
any news of Esmeralda?
No, not yet, not a dicky bird.
(wheels screech)
(engine revs)
Whoa, dib, dib, dib.
Oh, dob, dob, dob.
Oh, good show, jolly
D, absolutely terrific.
I say, tell me, what troop are you?
Fourth Bombay troop.
Bombay!
Eagle patrol.
Oh, good egg.
I say...
Can...
(gasps)
Can I give you a lift?
Ooh, thank you very, sir.
Going to the jamboree?
No, no, Indian jazz
festival, Knightsbridge.
Knightsbridge!
A bit off our beaten.
Still, Brown, I suppose
this will be our good turn for the day.
- Deed, sir.
- Um,
I never seem to get that right, do I?
Deed, of course, how silly.
Um, cost you a bob.
Bob?
It's bob a job week.
Oh, that's all right, that's all right,
kind Scout Master gentlemen.
One moment please, Gogi!
Oh, excuse me, Horace.
All right, Gogi.
Gogi, we got a lift,
but it will cost us a bob.
- Bob?
- Bob!
Bob a job, Gog!
Most kind.
Is all this gubbins yours?
- Yes, Sir.
- Yes, Sir.
But you'll never get it on.
Oh, don't you worry, we'll get it on.
We'll get it on for you right away.
Brown, give them a hand.
(Ram and Gogi shouting)
[Gogi] Ram, push man.
Gogi, on the top, not here, on the top.
There's only one place to put
it, and that's on the top.
Gogi!
(backpack clatters)
(pans clatter)
Oh, Gogi, can you not
do what you are told?
Ram, I am trying my best.
Gogi, let me put mine on the top.
(Ram and Gogi shouting)
Oh dear!
What are you doing?
I'm very sorry.
Lovely, lovely, kind sir.
Do be careful, chaps.
Careful!
Do have a care, chaps!
(pans clatter)
(horns honk)
Brown, it's all your fault,
we should never have
allowed these people in.
(pans clatter)
Most kind of you, sir.
Well, Brown, can't you help them, Brown?
Don't just sit there.
Don't panic!
I say, do be careful.
Most kind.
This is worth more than the bob.
Brown, it's all your fault.
Most kind, most kind.
Brown, can't you do something, Brown?
This is ridiculous.
(pans clattering)
Brown, ask them to stop.
Most kind.
(all shouting)
(motorcycle engine hums)
Most kind.
(wheels screech)
(bike crashes)
(tense music)
(horn toots)
(hand thuds)
(man laughs)
What seems to be the trouble, Officer?
Trouble, sir, I don't
think I'm in any trouble.
But let's consider your position.
At the moment I can only describe
it as unbelievably tricky.
Excuse me, Sir.
Don't you worry, sir, I will explain.
Good morning, Superintendent.
Please let me to explain.
This kind Scout Master gentleman
has been most bountiful to
us, most bountiful indeed.
You see, Superintendent,
we were just trying
to put a drum and a double base
on this most beautiful vehicle,
when most regrettably my
friend's extension piece...
Extension piece, sir.
That is to say, the extension piece
of this most beautiful instrument.
The extension piece, sir,
it caused some slight
damage to your wonderful...
(case clatters)
We're not being very
clever this morning,
are we, sir?
I shall have to charge you
with causing an obstruction
on the Queen's highway,
driving a mechanically propelled vehicle
without due care and attention,
driving said vehicle in a
dangerously overloaded condition
and without good access,
carrying passengers in a position likely
to cause serious bodily harm
to the person of the said passengers,
and to the passing public,
damaging a Metropolitan Police vehicle,
and causing serious damage to its
very ultra high-frequency short range
transmitting and receiving
apparatus Mark 4.
Please not the lovely...
Obstructing a police officer
in the performance of his duty.
But he was only trying to explain.
Striking a police officer.
Ooh.
(knife scrapes)
There you are, that'll cost you a bob.
Carrying an offensive weapon.
I was only joking, forget about the bob.
We had a good day, I'm
sure Brown won't mind
a bit of a...
(squealing)
[Brown] Please, sir,
it's the rubber dinghy,
it's going up.
- Brown!
- It might explode, sir.
Do something about it.
Do you mind taking charge of this, sir,
before it takes over the
whole of the City of London?
(explosive blast)
(wings flap)
(pigeons cooing)
(melancholy music)
(whip cracks)
Come forward, come forward,
that's all right, sir.
Move forward, don't be shy now.
Thank you very much.
Right, now then, ladies and gentlemen,
first, let me introduce myself.
Manfred the Magnificent.
(crown groan)
[Man] Get out of it.
You recognise me, don't you, sir?
That's right, I recognise you, yeah.
Yes, me with my eight Abyssinian lions.
Yeah, that's right.
And you, sir, will testify
to the savagery of the Abyssinian lion?
I have the mark of the
claw, which I can show you,
or I would do, except
there are ladies present.
Now ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to introduce you to...
(dog barks)
(crowd laughs)
...Cedric the Great.
(crowd cheers)
Now, please, ladies and gentlemen,
give the artist his due.
Now the Great Cedric has
escaped from predicaments
which would've baffled even
the great Houdini himself.
- Haven't you?
- Oh yeah.
(crowd groan)
There was a time once, you know...
- Shut up!
- (women laugh)
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm not here today,
and gone tomorrow, I'm
here today, and gone today.
He's here tomorrow.
(crowd laughs)
Shut up!
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
before your very eyes,
manacled, and what is more,
contained within this large mail bag,
possibly even one of
the Great Train Robbery
mail bags itself.
(dog barks)
Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Cedric
will attempt to escape from this bag
in two minutes, 120 seconds...
(Cedric sneezes)
Bless you!
Thank you.
Greenwich Mean Time.
(crowd laughs)
(chain clatters)
(dog barks)
(Cedric groans)
Shut up!
(whip cracks)
Ladies and gentlemen, a little
appreciation if you please.
Thank you very much, sir.
(dog barks)
A little appreciation in the shape of
any form of silver, thank
you very much, madam.
Thank you very much, thank you.
(whip cracks)
Come along, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
To get the Great Cedric
(coins clatter)
A little appreciation.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Cedric perform
for a handful of coppers?
A few pennies and a
couple of green stamps!
The Great Cedric will not perform
until some real money,
real money, has been...
(hooter honks)
(wheels screech)
(vehicles crash)
(playful music)
(car door bangs)
(bumper clatters)
What the devil do
you think you're doing?
Now, don't touch anything
until a policeman arrives.
Well, why the flaming
blazes didn't you flaming well
look where you're flaming well going, eh?
(crowd laughs)
[Bear] I'd like to see
your driving licence.
Yes, indeed, I want to
take down your particulars.
Now, take your time, bluey.
Now don't flash your claws at me.
(motorcycle engine revs)
(policeman laughs)
Oh, no, I'm gone.
(motorcycle engine revs)
(Cedric groans)
[Cedric] Manfred, where are you?
Quick, quick, quick!
- Matches.
- (stick thuds)
Boot laces.
Matches.
Boot laces.
Help an old soldier, madam?
(coin thuds)
Bless you, here, here.
No, thank you, that's fine.
I bet you've got a lucky face lady.
Matches, boot laces.
Matches, boot laces.
(chain clatters)
[Cedric] Is that you, Fred?
Matches, boot laces.
[Cedric] What's going on, Fred?
Ah, thank you, my friend.
(horn hoots)
You're most kind to an old soldier.
[Cedric] Oh, thanks very much.
You wouldn't have six
pence for a cup of coffee?
I said you wouldn't have six
pence for a cup of coffee?
(chain clatters)
What the...
Cor blimey!
[Cedric] Fred!
Fred!
(horn hoots)
Where are you?
Fred!
(upbeat 60s music)
[Man] I say, excuse me, sir.
[Woman] Ere, come ere, darling.
(people chatting)
[Bike Rider] Come on, Barbara.
(motorbike engine revs)
I'm coming, ain't I, dozey!
(wire twangs)
(trousers rip)
(woman screams)
(all laugh)
(upbeat music)
Right away, late paper.
[Horace] Morning, Joey.
Look after these for me, will ya?
Okay, Horace.
Mr. Quilby?
- [Man] I'm afraid not.
- Oh, sorry, sir.
(bell rings)
- Yes?
- Mr. Quilby?
Yes.
There's a telephone message, sir.
Would you like to come this way?
Oh, thank you.
(phone clanks)
[Bellboy] The call
for Mr. Quilby, please.
There you are, sir.
Thank you, son.
All right, thank you very much, sir.
Hello.
[Mrs. De Vere] Oh, aren't
you the London Hilton?
No, this is Horace Quilby speaking.
Oh, Mr. Quilby, oh yes,
that's who I wanted to speak to.
Esmeralda's not back yet.
[Horace] Oh, it's you, Mrs. De Vere.
Yes.
[Horace] Oh, well, no news is good news,
that's what I always say.
Funny, that's what I always say.
By the way, I'll be at
the next number on your list
at two o'clock.
Goodbye, Mrs. De Vere.
Goodbye, Mr. Quilby.
Don't forget, keep your pecker up.
Eh?
Oh, yes, thank you, bye.
- Bye.
- (phone clanks)
Shall we go in, darling?
A drink, sir.
I can thoroughly recommend it, sir,
the last of the Dom Perignon '47.
Would you care to leave your hat, sir.
Reception's in the hotel.
[Horace] Thank you, I don't
think you quite understand.
Smoked salmon, sir.
Oh, thank you.
I don't think you quite understand.
How do you fancy your
chances today, sir?
Now then, none of that,
I know your little game.
You're not gonna get away with it.
Trying to buy that filly I want, hey.
You know I've got first refusal.
What did he offer you,
50,000 pounds, I suppose?
Not worth a penny more than 40, I said 40.
Not that I don't know who you are.
I remember you even without your beard.
Yes, I've got a photographic
memory, you know.
You haven't got a chance with me.
How are you, my dear Maharaja?
No.
Don't you remember me, Delhi 1938,
Lord Uffingham, of course you do.
On the lawn, down at the Royal box, yes.
I've got a photographic memory, you know.
How are you my dear, Maharaja?
He's the Maharaja of Cut.
The Maharaja of what?
Cut, Maharaja of Cut.
What you shaking your head for?
Don't you remember me?
You're not the Maharaja?
Oh, dear, who are you then?
Oh-hoh, that blessed little
gesture gave it away.
You're the Bishop who
was standing next to him,
that very day, same photograph
but a different fellow, you see.
Not far out though,
you were standing next to
the Maharaja, weren't you,
in front of the Royal box, yes.
Don't you remember, Viceroy of Coventry?
Of course, he's a bit of a basher.
I beg your pardon, dear.
You know my old friend,
Sir Malcolm Moleskin?
Sir Mervin Moleskin.
Oh, Sir Mervin, bit of a badger.
Oh, he's shaking his head again,
what's going on with
my photographic memory.
Aren't you...
Well, tell me who you are then?
Quilby, Horace Quilby, Sir.
Of course, Sir Horace Quilby, a hero.
Shake hands, shake hands
with him, be proud to do so.
He's a hero, he's the greatest pig sticker
in the northwest runt (laughs).
Congratulations, I'm delighted.
You must excuse us, will you, please?
Yes.
Pleasure to meet you,
you're a living legend, yes.
Living legend.
I remember when you throttled
your first tiger, yes.
Photographic memory.
- Photographic memory.
- Photographic memory.
(snack thuds)
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me, sir.
Eh, oh, yes?
Forgive me, sir, for interrupting.
I couldn't help overhearing
your conversation
with Lord Uffingham, sir.
Being a punter, I fancy a
bit of a flutter myself, sir.
Would it be too
presumptuous on my part, sir,
if I could ask you as an owner,
if you had any chance
at all of winning today?
Me, as an owner?
Oh, my Esmeralda!
Oh, she's got every chance of
getting into the first three.
Esmeralda, sir?
- Yes.
- Each way?
On the beak, six to one.
On the nose, six to one.
Thank you, sir.
That's all right.
Thank you very much indeed, sir.
That's brilliant.
Six to one, the three o'clock at Kempton.
Late paper!
They're all potty in there, mate.
Thanks for the boards, see ya.
(upbeat music)
(coin cans rattling)
Right, I'll let you
know, good afternoon.
Steven.
Horace?
What are you doing here?
Well, I've come about Sue.
Pretend you're customer.
Hey!
(door clicks)
How is she, Mr. Quilby?
Oh, there's no need to worry, Steven.
Sue's just a bit upset, that's all.
You know, things ain't
exactly what they seem to be.
There's no need to be jealous, boy.
Sue loves you very much indeed.
It's only that she's young and, well,
she wants a little bit of a career.
Well, listen, Horace,
I earn quite enough to
keep Sue very comfortably
when we're married.
I don't want her to work.
Yes, Your Grace,
yes, this has been completed
to your specification.
We hope to be able to deliver it to you
very early indeed next week.
But she wants a little
bit of recognition,
a little taste of success.
Why don't you help her to enjoy it?
Let her have a moment of glory.
Show her you're proud of her.
You know, Horace,
I'd never thought of it
that way before.
Have you any idea where Sue is now?
No, but I know she'll be later.
She'll be out in the park by
that big new floral display
down by the South Gate.
Yes, goodbye.
(phone clanks)
I'll go and see her, you're quite right.
I've made a complete ass of myself.
I'll go and apologise.
Good lad.
All right, Mansfield,
I'll take over now.
No, sir, Mr. Quilby is a friend...
- On your way, Mansfield.
- No, really...
(door slams)
Now, sir, what do we have in mind?
In mind?
Yes, well, I don't think
you've got anything suitable.
But I assure you, sir,
we have the finest selection
of Rolls and Bentleys,
and top international
prestige cars of the world.
Oh, yes, I'm sure, I'm quite sure.
I just don't think that they would fulfil
my somewhat peculiar requirements.
We are noted here for
fulfilling peculiar requirements.
Now, I might just show you
this Phantom V over here.
[Horace] Oh, yes.
(door clicks)
Thank you.
Beautiful, eh?
Oh, yes.
There's only one thing.
- The doors.
- The doors?
Yes, you see, the doors have neither
the height nor the width
for my rather exacting requirements.
Oh, rest assured, these doors could
comfortably accommodate a
gentleman of your stature.
They are a standard size.
Of course, should you require
a special modification order...
Well, might have to
have a new body design.
Rest assured, with a long wheel base,
our coach builders could easily
satisfy your requirements.
Now, if you would just allow
me to make a small estimate,
special body,
12,000,
a cocktail cabinet, 500,
Refrigeration, stereophonic tape,
we'll put those two
together, I would say 700.
(upbeat jazz band music)
Telephone line, of course
you'll require that,
350.
Television, 200.
I think that's about it.
Well, let's say an
overall figure of, oh, say
roughly 21,000, give or take.
Excuse me, sir.
I feel you're making a
terrible mistake, sir.
Should I require your
advice, rest assured,
I shall ask to be informed.
Until then, the rest
is silence, Mansfield.
May I inquire the purpose
for which you require these
extra large doors?
How else can I get in and out of the car
with me boards on?
(hand bangs)
Good day.
(Horace laughs)
(Abdul sings)
Hello, Abdul.
Salaam, Horace.
[Horace] Had a good day?
Simply spiffing.
Arise.
(magical music)
Cease.
All right, Fred, take it away.
(Horace laughs)
(feet tapping)
Mac?
(board clatters)
Must be on the stage.
Oh, but you promised.
Cobblers.
Oh please, Mac!
Cobblers is not open 'til three o'clock,
I cannot get your tap shoes mended,
I don't care how worn out you are.
(feet thudding)
Hello, Mac.
Be discreet, be discreet.
Sorry, mate, how's business?
Business is diaboli-olical.
I don't know what the
public wants these days.
I've got 20 loose-limbed, high-kicking,
precision beautiful chorus girls,
they moves as one, sometimes.
Cor, business is diaboli-olical.
Well, in that case,
I wonder if I could have a chance
of a couple of complimentary tickets.
Not a chance, mate.
We're packed out, they're
standing in the aisles.
Has Mrs. De Vere phoned?
I'd have told you if she had, Horace.
I don't give much for
your Esmeralda's chances,
not with this gale ablowing.
Gale?
Straight up.
Believe me, mate, the whole of the channel
is going to be covered with
pathetic little bundles
of floating feathers.
Blimey.
Well, nice to see you, Horace, mate.
I do enjoy these cheery
little chats of ours.
Telephone for you, Mac.
See you later, mate.
Hello, Horace.
Hello, dear.
Oh, Captain Senapod?
[Captain] Yeah.
Your running time has been cut short.
[Captain] Nine, nine.
[Woman] All right, girls, take five.
Hello, stage doorkeeper.
No.
Oh my gaud, you don't say.
Oh, no, what a tragedy.
He was here a moment ago.
I was just talking to him.
Yes, I'll get onto it right away.
I'll tell him.
- Horace...
- Not Esmeralda?
No, it's Frederico, the contortionist.
He's had a diaboli-lolical
thing happen to him.
He's done himself a mischief.
I've gotta phone a doctor.
Well, don't stand there
cluttering up the gangway,
he may be all knotted up.
We may have to thread him through.
Hello?
Hello?
(lighthearted music)
(bus engine hums)
I hear Donna Carstairs has had another.
[Man] Really, sir,
what was it this time?
I don't know, it blew away before
they could get a look at it.
I understand, sir, there were 69 of them
all doing it in the same place.
And at the same time I understand?
Yes, sir, I do think it's a bit strong.
Well, the trouble with
the brigade these days is,
Jeremy, there are far
too many hot heads in it.
I thoroughly concur, sir.
(marching music)
(upbeat music)
(water flushes)
(women scream)
How dare you, madam!
(umbrella clatters)
How dare you!
You've no decency!
(stick thuds)
(man yells)
(sign clanks)
I'll get you, don't you worry.
I'll get a policeman on you.
(feet thud)
(lighthearted music)
(feet tapping)
(boat motor buzzes)
What, what?
Get away, get away.
What are they doing with their boats?
Radio controlled boats, get away.
(mischievous music)
(phone taps)
(bell chimes)
(metal clanks)
(Horace laughs)
(birds chirp)
(children shouting)
(mellow music)
(children shouting)
What a lovely colour, you
see, would be marvellous.
The sun's up there,
everything's just right.
Get those people out the way.
You stand over towards the centre, yes.
Marvellous, marvellous.
Good, now just...
You ready?
Good, brolly up, oh, that's pretty.
And the collar I think, don't you?
Yes, just a sec, won't be a tick.
Won't be a tick.
And one of the holding, that's it, good.
Good, very good.
Fine, fine.
Right.
Yes, nice, nice.
No, not too much of that.
Now smile, good.
Lovely smile, very good.
(camera clicks)
Just one more, one more please, one more.
Hold it nicely.
That's it, oh beautiful, yes.
Thank you.
Right, now we'll just try
it with this gorgeous hat.
Now, be very careful with it, won't you?
That's it, yes, whoops-a-daisy.
What you doing with that, keep
it near your leg, darling.
Don't want it all over the place.
Morning.
Right, good, hold it.
Yes, I like it, I like it.
One more, one more, don't move.
Oh, hell, oh, there we are.
Right, gimme the hat, darling, yes.
Give it to me.
Yes, undo the coat, and
the belt off and things.
And the buttons, lovely.
It's all au fait today, isn't it?
Still, we've got a lovely
day for it, haven't we?
Oh!
(rain patters)
It's starting to rain.
Oh, no.
Don't stand...
Mind the head, take it off, take it off.
Take it off!
Take it off.
It'll get wet.
Fast, you silly girl.
It'll have to go back in the box.
Take it off.
Did you hear what I said?
Take it off.
Take it off.
Take it off.
(Sue groans)
What do you think you're playing at?
(fist thuds)
(body thuds)
There you are, there's
your boyfriend for you.
Now look what you've done.
You big bully.
Oh, Harold, are you all right?
- I think so.
- [Steven] There you go.
I don't want that coat, you big bully.
I dunno what the wife's
gonna say about this?
Is it swelling?
Here, look, are you married?
Of course I'm married.
Hello, I thought you were
after Sue or something.
Do me a favour, I'm married,
I've got four kids, and a
smash in the mouth, didn't I?
I'm terribly sorry.
Why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't you tell him?
Oh, you men, you make me so angry.
I never want to see either of you again.
- Hey, Sue.
- Sue.
(horn hoots)
Here, Steven, you look
after your gentleman.
(car door bangs)
I'll find Sue.
Cor, mate, you don't
'alf put your foot in it.
[Steven] Thanks, Mr. Quilby.
- Hey, watch it!
- (car engine revs)
(wheels screech)
(lighthearted music)
(birds chirp)
Pss!
Pss!
Excuse me.
How do you do?
May I call your particular attention
to the notice and its contents?
Delphinia gigantica.
Do you know, it takes five years
from the tiny seed that I've
nurtured with loving care,
to the full paregoric
effect you see here today.
These beautiful blooms are
extraordinarily delicate.
So would you mind taking
your dirty great hooter
out of their fragrant petals?
Thank you.
Afternoon, sir.
(toy gun bangs)
(lawnmower rattles)
Here, let me help you.
Here, there we are.
All right?
Afternoon, Em.
Afternoon.
Turned out nice again, ain't
it, after all the rain.
[Horace] Yeah, very changeable.
[Ern] Yes, it is.
Well, I mean, you've gotta expect it
this time a year, ain't ya?
I mean, it's very unsettled now.
[Horace] Still very
nice display of flowers,
especially them Cinerarias.
[Ern] Oh well, back to the grindstone.
Cheerio, Horace.
[Horace] Cheerio, Ern.
Oh, thank you.
- Ta-ta...
- (lawnmower revs)
(Ern yells)
(Ern yelling)
[Woman] Steven, you naughty boy.
Steve, come back.
I'll get you, Steven.
You wait.
Come here, come back.
No, don't pull away from me.
Come on, come and apologise.
(lawnmower thunders)
Here, me mower, come back!
Here...
(body thuds)
Sorry, mate.
Come back.
I like your gun turret.
It's your beautiful rigging
that I like, Commander.
Oh really, thank you.
Thank you, taken me 20 years.
Indeed?
Oh yes, yes.
I should hate anything to
happen to it, you know?
- Well, goodbye.
- Goodbye, Commander.
(woman screams)
(lawnmower engine revs)
Go away, go away.
Don't follow me.
My boat, my boat!
Hey, look out, look out.
(dogs bark)
(Commander yells)
Go away!
(people yell)
[Ern] Yelp, stop me mower, somebody.
Hey.
(family yell)
(lawnmower engine revs)
(chairs clatter)
(man yells)
(Ern gasps)
It would ruin my life...
Watch it, watch it!
(Commander groans)
Great steaming compost.
Ah, ah.
Hey, hey,
hey?
Hey, hey!
What!
Where is it?
(boat crunches)
(Commander cries)
(flowers crunch)
(melancholy music)
Hey, Sue.
Suzie.
Where have you been, girl?
I've been looking all
over the park for you.
Oh, everything seems to
have gone wrong, Mr. Quilby.
I know now that I love Steven,
and he only hit Harold,
'cause he loves me.
Well, of course.
Everything will work
out all right, you see.
Look, I'm gonna take
the river bus back home,
why don't you join me?
You could nip back to the
studio and get changed,
and go and meet me down at the Embankment
in about half an hour at the
river bus stop, all right?
Come on then.
(cars hoot)
(lawnmower engine revs)
(hooves clopping)
(traffic hums)
(horns toot)
(lawnmower shudders)
(metre rings)
(both laugh)
You the driver of this vehicle?
Yeah, yeah, it's not my fault, see,
in the park, the kid
pulled the thing out...
Oh, yes?
(Ern speaks nonsense)
Very nasty it was, very nasty.
I see, a likely story.
(Ern speaks nonsense)
I know your sort, you ton-up dragster.
What's this?
It wasn't my fault, I kept telling you,
it was his...
(foot thuds)
Now see what you've done.
I'll get even with you.
(horn blasts)
(upbeat music)
(traffic hums)
Mr. Dean, a very good
afternoon to you, sir.
We made it.
We certainly did, sir,
right on time for time call.
Yes, well, I'm very sorry about that,
very, very sorry indeed.
What do you mean, sorry, Mr. Dean?
Well, the concert has been cancelled.
The club has been closed by the police.
But, Mr. Dean, we have
a contract to work here.
Yes, yes, we have a contract.
It is written here in black and white.
I know about the contract, boys,
but I would call your attention
particularly to clause 12.
Clause 12, where, where?
The small print.
Unless I am grievously mistaken,
and that would certainly
be for the first time,
clause 12 reads,
"The party of the first part",
that is me, Ranjit Dean,
"has the right to cancel
without notice or payment
"the performance by the
party of the second part,"
that is you, De Sikhers,
"in the event of all civil action,
"strike, flood, fire,
lightning, or act of God."
Well, to me, boys,
the Commissioner of the
Metropolitan Police is God.
And he just acted.
Sorry, boys, the club is closed.
Good afternoon.
(sad trumpet music)
(bus engine hums)
(uplifting music)
(coin clatters)
Can I speak to Mr. Mansfield, please?
[Steven] This is Mansfield speaking.
Oh, hello, it's Horace here, Steven.
Now listen, I've talked to Sue,
and everything will be all right, yeah.
I've just had a bit of an idea.
Now, this is what I want you to do, boy.
Meet me down at the river
bus in about half an hour.
[Steven] Okay.
- All right.
- [Steven] Right.
And what we'll do...
(boat engine hums)
(seagulls squawking)
Hello, Sue.
Hello, Mr. Quilby.
Excuse me, but the young
lady's keeping my place
in the queue for me.
You been waiting long?
No, not long, about five minutes.
Ah, well, river bus
will be along in a minute.
There you are then, Nobby.
I've checked your yacht, Mr. Yurinovski,
it's still there.
Yes, we have some bananas.
Right, is that the lot then?
Don't forget your weekend stores.
Oh, I see it's gonna
be a working weekend.
All ship shape and Bristol fashion,
pass down the boat, would you please.
Right, all ashore that's going ashore.
All aboard for the Skylark.
Well?
Oh, do you want me to
cast off the bow line?
No, just untie that bit of
string in the front, would you?
(boat engine revs)
(water splashes)
[Horace] Cor, look at that nit!
There you are, Nobby.
Thank you, darling.
Hold on to your rollocks, ladies.
Excuse me, sir,
let's give you a bit of
a prod in your starboard.
I don't do this for a living, you know,
actually I'm a professional...
(water splashes)
(women scream)
Hold on tight, ladies, don't panic.
Maniac!
Come on, let's get this
boat right, up your snorkel.
(water splashes)
(man yells)
[Man In Cycle] Number three,
anyone hear what I'm saying?
Number four, tell number
three what I'm saying.
Watch out, you catch of crabs.
Heads between your knees, lads.
(boat revs)
(water splashes)
(man yells)
(body splashes)
(woman screams)
He's coming round again.
Clear off!
(all shouting)
You'll have us all in the water!
Vincent!
Vincent!
Hang on, Nobby!
Hold on, Nobby, I'll save you.
Hold on, Nobby, just a minute.
I'll be there...
(all shouting)
(water splashing)
Get moving, Cox, drive yourself, Cox.
Pull harder strokes.
I'm coming to save you, Nobby.
Don't you worry, it's
only a five knot tide.
Vincent's coming.
(all yelling)
(boat engine revs)
You're snatching at it, man.
Don't snatch at it, get some order.
Here you are, Nobby, cop a hold of this.
Get on your side, five.
You want to give her power, up, up.
You're snatching at it, man.
Don't snatch at it.
Don't snatch!
Don't snatch at it.
I can't hear you, coach.
You're not fit to run a peddle boat,
look where you're going.
(cycle thuds)
Can't you hear me?
I can't hear you, coach.
(women scream)
Come on, Nobby.
Pull me up!
(boat engine revs)
(all scream)
(bodies splash)
Cox, look out for the bridge, Cox!
I can't hear you, coach.
Stay on to the left,
Cox, no, to the right.
Overhead, Cox.
You're slipping!
(Cox yells)
(Nobby splashes)
Nobby, you slipped off.
Don't worry, I'll see
you on the other side.
(boat hooter blasting)
Look out, Cox!
Don't worry, boys, I'll save you.
I can't swim!
(boys splashing)
(boys yell)
(boat hooter blasts)
(speed boat revs)
(water splashing)
Don't get off the boat, lads,
remember we are British.
(rope thuds)
Hang on, I'm going to save you.
(boat hooter blasts)
Super!
Goodbye!
(water skier yells)
(crash)
(upbeat music)
(water splashes)
I'm going to save you.
(boys splashing)
(car horn hoots)
[Steven] Sue, darling,
I'm terribly sorry,
I've been a complete idiot, forgive me.
No, it's my fault.
No, it's my fault.
No, really, it's my fault.
I said it's my fault.
Time!
Oh my gaud, don't let's
start that all over again.
(all laugh)
Thanks, Mr. Quilby.
Thanks for everything.
That's all right, Steven.
Come on, I'll give you a lift home.
Come on, Mr. Quilby, come with us.
Well, well, no, it's
very kind of you both,
you two wanna be alone.
I can easily take the river boat.
[Steven] No, Horace, I
insist, I won't hear of it.
We wouldn't dream of it.
Jump in, Mr. Quilby.
Are you sure?
All right.
(board clatters)
All right then, Sue?
- Yes, darling.
- (car door bangs)
[Steven] All right, Mr. Quilby?
Thank you, Steven.
(car engine revs)
(upbeat music)
Here, Steven, steady on, mate.
[Steven] Hold tight,
we're going in the water.
[Horace] What are you doing?
(water splashes)
(car engine hums)
[Steven] What's happening?
[Sue] What's happening in the street.
[Horace] Hey, what's going on?
[Steven] They've got all the flags up.
[Horace] What's going on?
What's happening?
Oh, look, here they come.
Yes, it's them.
Abdul!
("For He's a Jolly Good Fellow")
What's going on then?
Oh, there's a great
banner across the street.
[Horace] What's going on, mate?
Here, what's he saying, Steven?
[Steven] What are they saying?
- What is it, son?
- (children yell)
(women cheering)
What it is, son, what is it?
What's the party for?
It is, it's Esmeralda!
Esmeralda's won.
Esmeralda!
Esmeralda's won!
Esmeralda's won!
My Esmeralda, she's won!
She's back, yes.
She's won, yes, she's won.
She's won, she's won!
To the loft.
Go to the loft.
Oh, thank you.
(people cheering)
Esmeralda, oh, oh, look at you!
Oh, you little darling.
Mr. Quilby, could you hold Esmeralda
a little higher please?
How far is it from Bordeaux?
Oh, it must be all of
about 475 miles, Steven.
As the crow flies.
Ha-ha-ha, I mean pigeon.
(all laugh)
Mr. Quilby, just one more, please.
That's her best profile.
Come on, Mr. Quilby, they're
waiting to start the party.
(people laughing)
(man yells)
(bodies thud)
(woman screams)
(body thuds)
(woman screams)
(man yells)