The Sam Kinison Family Entertainment Hour (1991) - full transcript

Fans both old and new have cause for celebration with the release of "Sam Kinison: Family Entertainment Hour HBO Special." Along with being voted onto Comedy Central's All-Time Top 20 Stand-Up Comedians list and VH-1's Top Comedians list, Sam was in a class by himself. This comedy special will blow away the Kinison fan, and is a must-have collectible. "Sam was the cuddly anti-Christ." - Robin Williams. "Sam scared the hell out of you...and was the funniest comedian." - Jay Leno. "Sam took no prisoners." - Richard Pryor. "Sam was an absolute comic genius." - Rodney Dangerfield. "Sam's humor was based on truth and pushed the envelope like no other." - Larry King. "Sam's voice was the voice of outrage." - Tim Matheson. "Sam was one of our generation's greatest stand-up comics." - Howard Stern. "Sam was one of my all time favorite comics." - Johnny Carson. "Sam was outrageous, bright and absolutely screamed the truth." - Tom Lykis

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---
Good evening.
My name is Lloyd Crestview.

And I'm a director of the Taste
in Television Society.

You know, as most of you know,
there has been a certain degree

of controversy over
the propriety of material

used by Mr. Kinison
in prior television appearances.

Acting on these complaints,
we've taken the initiative

and we've launched a full-scale
personal investigation

of the man and his references
to members of the opposite sex,

minorities, persons of alternate
sexual proclivities

and lifestyles.

I spent a good deal
of quality time recently



with Mr. Kinison,
who, as you know,

is a former preacher
and follower of the tenets

of religious morality.

And I have concluded,
after these lengthy interviews,

plus my own personal
observations,

that Mr. Kinison has indeed
seen the error of his ways.

He's totally repentant,

and he has promised to do
nothing in the future

that may tend to embarrass,
offend, or cause hurt

or discomfort to any member
of any group or individual.

[rock music plays]

[cheering]

[screaming]

Oh, ohhhh!



Hollywood!

Hollywood!

-Hollywood!
-[cheering, applause]

Oh, what a way to make a person
feel welcome.

[cheering, applause]

Hey, hey, be nice.
Be nice.

They're just trying
to stop the hate, man.

-[cheering, applause]
-Stop the hate.

[laughs]

See, they don't understand.
They don't understand.

I've changed. I'm part of family
entertainment now.

That's my new goal.

That's what I hope to accomplish
in my life now.

I hope to have my own theme park
by the end of this century.

It's only nine years away,
but I think I can do it.

Sammyland, where every kid
is king.

There'll be rides like
the Big Titty Ride.

It'll be a lot of fun.

These, of course,
are my babies.

The lovely Sabrina, the lovely
Malika, ladies and gentlemen!

-[guitar squeals]
-Yes, sir.

These are our girls.
I like to call 'em my girls.

They're part of my special
charity that I just started

called The Sam Kinison Home
for Interesting Women.

And these are our
first two girls.

I remember when Sabrina came
to the Home,

she was... oh, just a mere 16.

And that was three years ago.
She's 19 now.

-Boy, are we happy! But...
-[cheering, applause]

"Sam, what do you teach
the girls

at The Sam Kinison Home
for Interesting Women?"

Well, we give them classes
on jewelry,

we give them classes on fashion.

The main thing we like them
to actually realize and learn

is why do girls mean so much
to men?

What is about women
that men love so much?

-[cheering, applause]
-[rock music plays]

-Oh! Worthwhile cause!
-[drum hit]

Malika and Sabrina,
ladies and gentlemen!

-[cheering, applause]
-My babies!

-Take it, Randy.
-[rock music plays]

♪ Going down

♪ Down, down, down,
down, down ♪

♪ Going down

♪ Down, down, down,
down, down ♪

♪ Got my head out
the window, baby ♪

♪ Big feet on the ground

♪ Going down

♪ Down, down, down, down

♪ Going down, yeah

♪ Down, down, down,
down, down ♪

♪ Head out the window

♪ Big feet on the ground

♪ You know she's gone

♪ Gone, gone, gone,
gone, gone ♪

♪ Hey, she's gone

♪ She's gone, gone,
gone, gone, gone, yeah ♪

♪ I got my head
out the window, baby ♪

♪ Big feet on the ground

[cheering, applause]

[song ends]

I don't want anybody to take
any personal offense to this,

but this is my kind of music.
I love rock and roll, man.

-[cheering, applause]
-I love it.

Three things have gotten me
through my fucking life, man.

And that's rock and roll,
comedy, and a really good fuck.

-Those are the three...
-[cheering, applause]

Three things!

I just, I don't want
to upset anybody by this,

but I gotta tell you, I'm
MC Hammered-fucking-out, man.

-[cheering]
-Sorry.

It's basically rappers,
you know?

I just don't like rap music.
I haven't caught on to it.

I don't think it's an art form.

You heard the kind of music
I like.

I like rock and roll.

I like music that just kicks you
in the fucking face!

Instead of, you know,
this shit that anybody can do.

This, uh, you know... [rapping]
♪ I'm a robber, I'm a thief

♪ I'm a big rip-off
Of someone else's song ♪

♪ I just jacked off

[cheering]

♪ We don't play an instrument
We don't write no songs ♪

♪ All I like to do
is play with my dick ♪

Come on, man.
You ever seen a rapper rap

without grabbing his cock?
Come on.

They all grab their dicks,
you know why?

Because they don't play
any fucking instruments!

[cheering, applause]

If you play a guitar,

you don't have time
to grab your dick!

If you play a piano,

you haven't got time
to break away from it,

and grab yourself and go...

There's no way you can do it!

Unless maybe you're Elton John!
But...

[cheering, applause]

Not that I wanna put the entire
rap music style down.

I just don't like it.
And I know somewhere

there's gotta be another guy
like that.

There's gotta be another guy
like that, just like me.

There's gotta be...

There's gotta be somebody,
somewhere,

maybe... maybe an assassin type.

Maybe a man who, oh,
after he came home from the war,

wasn't accepted by the country
he fought for.

And still has some
of the military weapons

and some of the armament
that he came home with.

And he's home alone, unemployed,
has nothing to do,

and he watches MTV,
waiting for a rock video

and all he sees is rap videos!

Now, let's just say,
let's just say,

this guy decides to become
a serial killer.

Far be it from me to implant
that into somebody's mind.

I don't want people to think
Sam said you're putting

a subliminal thought in
a dangerous person's mind. No.

I'm just saying if you're gonna
be a serial killer,

pick somebody interesting
to be a serial killer for!

Take out rappers! Shoot 'em!

If you're gonna do something
like that,

if you're gonna take lives,

be the rapper killer!

That way, anybody... anybody
that rhymes, they die!

They're dead!

If they rhyme a song and don't
have an instrument,

if they work with pre-programmed
music at a concert,

shoot 'em! They're dead!

[cheering, applause]

[laughs]

Stand up, Ice-T. Ice-T is here,
ladies and gentlemen. Ice-T!

-[cheering, applause]
-My man!

You guys, I seem to inspire,
I don't know why,

but I seem to inspire,

uh, attacks

from people with alternative
sexual preferences.

-[laughter]
-It's just that I don't

understand why I upset
these groups so much.

I've done, uh, charity work,
I've tried to, uh,

donate my services to
organizations that are trying

to find a cure
for the disease AIDS,

I do everything,
I still get this heat.

They say, the gay community
says my act is in bad taste.

Bad taste! They said my act
is in bad taste.

-[booing]
-Of course you're offended!

Of course you're outraged!

Or enraged.

That was the old Sam.
That was the devil-may-care Sam.

The reckless, drug lord,
alcoholic, boozy,

-bastard from hell Sam. Oh.
-[cheering, applause]

Oh, the ones you guys miss.

Oh, excuse me.

Well, hold up, I'll get fucked
up and I'll be right back

with another act, all right.

Yes, yes, we all know
what I've done.

We all know!

We all know about that
sports car that was found

abandoned up on a canyon road.
We all know!

[cheering, applause]

But see, here's what I love.
Here's what I love.

I'm always unavailable
for comment.

I love that little
fucking phrase.

"Kinison's a dick,
he's a fucking asshole,

he's a bastard, and he
was unavailable for comment."

They're such fucking dicks.
They don't even try

to reach him for comment.
I mean, you know,

they know where I'm at.
They know where the rainbow is.

They come down to get a comment
from me, man.

They could send
a reporter down there.

They know where I'm at.
[laughs]

"Unavailable for comment."
Yes, okay, here's what happened.

A lot people wanna know, Sam,
what happened with the Corvette

on the canyon hill road.
Here's what happened.

And this is the truth.

I live with this 'Vette,

and this 'Vette's
a close part of my life,

it was on my first HBO special,
it said "EXREV."

-[cheering, applause]
-Well, the car and I

had become very close,
much like Wilbur and Mr. Ed.

Matter of fact,
I called the car "Mr. 'Vette."

And Mr. 'Vette and I have
a very close relationship.

I woke up about
7:30 one morning,

I heard the car running.

I went down to the garage
at my house,

and the car was going...
[imitates engine revving]

"Come on, Sam, let's go!

Let's go find some pussy!
Let's go get fucked! Come on!

Let's rock and roll!"

I said, "Mr. 'Vette, no!

No, Mr. 'Vette!
Kids are going to school!

People are on their way to work!

It's time to go to sleep!"

"No! Fuck you!"
[engine revving]

And he took off down the street.

By himself,
trying to drive himself.

Next thing I know,
I get a phone call.

"We have found Mr. 'Vette
wrapped around a phone pole,

and we need a Mr. Explanation."

[cheering and applause]

Yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Now, all of a sudden,
Mr. 'Vette can't talk.

[grunting]

Oh... yeah, I got messed up.

I was doing cocaine up
till March 2nd of this year.

[cheering, booing]

Of course, if they release
this next spring,

it's gonna sound great.

If this comes out in April,
like, "Oh, he's been off coke

for three weeks." But...

So I better say...

March 2nd, 1990,
I stopped doing coke

because I didn't
know it was illegal.

-[cheering and applause]
-Thank you.

Thank you for you
that believe me.

Thank you very much.

For you that don't believe me,
eat me. I'm alive, all right?

No, basically,
what was happening,

I was doing little bits of it,
but I would show up at parties,

and because you're
in the limelight,

because you're a celebrity
and you look like

you're a party animal, they--

people assume you can do

supernatural amounts
of narcotics, of drugs.

So I go to these little parties,
right?

And everybody else's line
is about an inch long.

It's like, "Hey, man,
we're doing coke, buddy."

[high-pitched squeak]
You know. Little inch line long.

I come in, they go, "Oh!
Oh, it's Kinison!

Oh, ohhh! Here's your line!"
[high-pitched squeak]

You know,
it's like two feet long.

[cheering and applause]

There's rocks in it you can put
in your driveway.

It's not chopped up.

I don't get a straw,
I get a piece of a garden hose.

'Cause they wanna make sure
it all goes through.

"Here! Go, man, go! Go! Go! Go!"
You know.

So I'm trying to be, like,

I'm trying to live up
to the image.

"Oh, get out of my way!
Watch me! Oh!"

[snorting]

And I would sniff
all this shit up.

About two minutes later,
I'm walking around the party

-going...
-[thumping]

"Hey, man. Hey, man,
you got any shoe polish

or something I can drink
to slow this down?

You think shoe polish will kill
you? I need something, man.

There's nothing left to drink?
I wish you'd have told me that

before I did this
two-foot-long line.

You fuck. All right.
Well, uh,

listen, you guys keep partying.
I'm gonna go ahead

and lay down and beg God
to live for a while, all right?

I'm just gonna go ahead
and lay down.

You guys keep rocking.
Keep rocking, man!"

So then you lay down,
you grab your heart,

and you make all those promises.
"I'll never do it again.

I promise, God,
just make it stop.

Just make it stop, please.
Just make it slow down.

I'll never do it again till
I feel better, I swear to God.

Till I feel better, I'll never
do it again, I promise."

I've had enough
of those fucking nights.

We lost a lot of good people
to that shit.

And I just think, uh,
if you're involved with it,

get disinvolved with it, because
you're just gonna get busted

or you're gonna
get sick and die.

So that's all I gotta say
about that.

[cheering and applause]

But, yeah, I've had those nights
where you come in

and you piss in your suitcase.
You ever done that? That's fun.

You're out on the road,
you partied with the promoters

and everybody,
you're drunk as shit,

you walk in,
you lift open your suitcase,

thinking it's the toilet lid...

Then you wake up the next day,
put something on,

you go, "Oh, fuck! Oh!

Hey, who pissed on my clothes?!"

They go, "You did, man.
Don't you remember?

Don't you remember when you
pissed on your clothes?"

Like, "No. No! [laughs]

No, I can't remember that.

'Cause I think if I could
have remembered it,

I wouldn't have fucking done it!

So I must have
been pretty out of it

to take a fucking piss
on my clothes!

Wouldn't you say?

But I wanna thank you guys
for letting me do it. Thank you.

I wanna thank you
for letting me be

the home entertainment center
last night.

How many people did I actually
show my dick to?

Do you remember?

While I was taking a piss
in the fucking suitcase?"

That's the way friends are, man.

I went to one party
where a guy passed out

in a big leather chair...

with his mouth open, just...

So these guys get around him,
they take their dicks out,

they put them by his face,

they take a Polaroid
and all it is

is a picture of the guy's face
with four dicks around it.

But now, now he doesn't
look like he's asleep.

Now he looks like
he's in ecstasy.

Now he looks like
he's living his dream.

"Oh, four dicks! Oh, God!
Oh, God! This is my dream!

This is my dream!
I'm Dick Man! I'm Dick Man!"

All right, so then now
they take it. They take it.

They blow it up to an 8x10.
They Xerox it,

so that they can place a copy
under each windshield wiper

of all the people
that he works with.

So they can all have
a Xeroxed copy of his face

with four dicks around it.

That's the kind of stuff
your friends do!

That's your buddies.
[forced chuckle]

I fell asleep
at the wheel before.

Yeah, that's-- that's when you
know you're pretty fucked up.

When it makes sense
to fall asleep.

And I was driving between
Needles and Barstow.

Such a fun, fun area
to drive through.

It's about 120 miles of desert.
They post signs that say,

"Nothing for
the next 100 miles.

Welcome to Road Warrior,
the movie!

Nothing! No gas! No food!

You're lucky you have
fucking air, asshole!"

It's four in the morning, man.

Talk about living out
a nightmare, right?

So it was about
70 miles an hour, I was like,

"Hey, this looks like a pretty
good time to go to sleep, man.

'Cause, like, I could catch
an hour of sleep

and be in Barstow...

and...

Ah! Yeah, all right. 'Cause
I know if anything happens

I'm gonna wake up.

If I hit a rock,
if I leave the road,

I... ah! Uh-huh. See?
I got it. I got it.

It's all right. It's okay.
It's all right...

Oh! Oh! [laughs] Ohhh!"
You know.

So I total this fucking car out,
man. I fucking totaled it.

And... it made sense
at the time. It made sense.

But I can't remember ever being
fucked up so much

and being stoned and being high

where it made sense to stick
a live animal in my ass.

Out of all the highs...

after peeing in the suitcase...

after falling asleep
at the wheel,

there was never a time
I went, "Hey.

Yeah, that sounds like
a good idea.

Why don't we take a rodent
and put it in my ass?

That's gotta be a buzzer!
I'm missing out!"

People are doing this.
I'm not making this shit up.

People are doing this.

And no one gives--
no one cares.

Nobody gives a shit,
because it's rodents.

We hate rodents.
We set traps for 'em,

we try to kill 'em.

If they were dolphins, oh!

If they were tuna fish, oh, God!

Oh, would people be
up in arms.

"What, what? They are putting
tuna fish in their ass?

Contact your lawyer,
contact your congressman,

somebody, the senators!

They're putting tuna
in their ass!"

But, uh... oh.

I had an idea for a movie.
They didn't think it was great.

I thought it would be funny.

It was called
The Honeymoon Killer.

And what this guy would do...
this is just an idea for a film.

But what this guy would do
is he would come to the wedding,

and there was no way
that you could tell who he was

because nobody knew
who invited him.

Nobody knew. They didn't know
which family invited him.

So he could come up
and they'd go,

"What family are you with?"
"Oh, I'm with that family,"

or "I'm with that family."
So he sneaks in,

he's in the wedding, he waits
till the vows are taken,

and then he jumps up,
he shoots the bride

in the fucking head,

and as he crashes through
a cathedral window,

he yells back,
"You'll thank me later!"

[cheering, applause]

And the reason...

the reason he's so successful

is that the police are not sure
if they wanna catch him.

Because they are married
to women

that drive them up
the fucking wall!

So they're not working as hard
on the case as they should!

[cheering, applause]

You see these people yelling
at city hall,

"Goddamn it,
he's killed 60 women!

Jesus Christ, he's left clues
everywhere!"

"Well, we're working on it
as hard as we can."

Yeah!

Oh, I don't understand...

I don't wanna judge,
I'm just an old-fashioned guy.

-I love women.
-[man shouts]

-I said women.
-[cheering]

I love women.

I'm not ashamed of that. I found
out what great foreplay is.

Great foreplay, guys.

Great foreplay is jewelry.

Forget about the big dick
and licking the pussy

and all that shit.
Yeah, that's nice too.

But jewelry.
They love jewelry.

-[rings clattering]
-They love that little noise.

They love those diamond rings.

They love jewelry. But don't
pick it out yourself, guys.

'Cause we, you know, we don't
know shit about jewelry, man.

Come on.

Girls get rings from us
and they go, "Oh, God...

Yeah, thanks. That's... wow.
So nice.

What a pretty colored stone."

You know, no. No, let the woman
pick out the jewelry, man.

Let 'em pick it out.

But I'm telling you, man,
they just get nuts.

They stick to the seat.
You gotta, like...

You get them out of the car,
it's like... pop!

You know what I mean?
They are so happy.

They are so excited.

And, again, all right?

You say, "Sam, I can't
afford jewelry." All right.

Then you're back to having
to lick pussy.

But... as great foreplay.
Which you should.

Especially if you're over 30.
Lick pussy.

Lick that pussy.
If you're over 30,

lick pussy because your back
cannot take the slamming,

the banging, the fucking.

That was when you
were a young man.

When you were young, yeah,
you could do that all night.

Goddamn it, if you're
over 30 years old,

you fuck like that now, you get
up the next day, you're like,

"Oh, shit.

Oh! Yeah, yeah. I'll take you
to school in a minute. Hold on.

Oh, God! Oh!
Oh, my back!

Oh, shit! Oh!"

No. No, definitely--
definitely-- dude,

definitely get on the bottom.
Let her get on top.

Let her go...
[high-pitched squeaking]

Let her do all that.

You just lay there and cheer.
"Whoo! Go! Whoo! Yeah!"

[cheering, applause]

Save that back, the bottom base
part of your back.

It's important, save it.

And if you're gonna lick pussy,
guys, do yourself a favor.

Do the woman a favor. Shave.

Just shave, that's all. Shave.
No big deal.

You have a mustache and beard,
that's good, that's cool.

'Cause it's furry,
it's soft and smooth.

But if you have a part
of your face

where there's whisker growth
and stubble, shave!

How long can it fucking take
to shave? Doesn't take long.

The girl appreciates it,
trust me.

Because if you don't,
if you don't,

and you lick her pussy,
most guys get drunk

and like, "Oh...
you don't know how nasty I am.

Wait'll you see
what I do to you. Oh..."

And they get down there
and they try to lick

and they have, like, this
Don Johnson three-day beard,

Miami Vice look, you know.

And the girl's like...
[high-pitched squealing]

"Come on, just fuck me!
Just fuck me!"

And the guy thinks he
did it right, you know.

Guy goes to work the next day,
he goes, "Yeah.

Yeah, I licked her last night.
She couldn't take it.

She was out of control.
She was crazy.

It was too much for her.
She had to beg me to stop."

No. No, you were like sandpaper
between her fucking legs,

you jackass! Shave!

Be smooth. Feel your face, guys.
Feel your face. Right now.

Feel your face. How would you
like that around your dick?

"Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow!

Get off! It ain't working out,
man! Oh! Oh! Ow!"

That's how they feel.

They feel the same way,
and another thing.

I know, I know, this is HBO.

Half of this is not
gonna make the show,

but I don't give a fuck.
I have to tell you the truth.

You know that.

That's what you paid for.

You paid
for the Sam Kinison experience!

[cheering, applause]

I think it's time...

we stop coming
in women's mouths.

I think it's rude.

I think it's unnecessary.
I'm sorry.

I know, I know some of you guys
are like, "Oh, ohhh! Ohh!"

But... trust me,
it's time to stop doing it.

It's just rude. Come on,
it's rude to just blow a load

in a woman's face.

I can't take it myself, man.
I think-- I mean,

especially when you hear them
make that noise. They go...

[gagging] You know...

Oh... what was this about?
Why-- what was this for?

[gagging] You know.

Oh, God!

Didn't have to do that.

It is so rude.
It's so disg--

And I know,
you see these porno movies,

the girl's like... "Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! [babbles]" No.

Yeah, that's in the movies.
That's in the movies.

In real life, it's...
[gagging]

In real life, they're trying not
to throw up the lobster

you bought 'em to get you
to blow you in the first place.

All right?

That's real life.

It's sad. Then they have
that look on their face, like...

[cheering, applause]

And guys are real sympathetic.
"Well, just swallow it."

You know what you ought to do,
women? Save it, kiss him,

and put it back in their
fucking mouth and go,

-"You swallow it!"
-[cheering]

"Fucking asshole!
How do you like it?"

"Oh, that's gross, man!

Oh, that's fucking gross, dude."
No shit. Don't do it.

But see, guys won't tell you
when they're gonna come.

They won't tell you.

'Cause they know if they tell
you when they're gonna come,

you're gonna go... pop!
"Not in my mouth!"

You're gonna bail! We know!

They're gonna jump off that
fucking rascal and go, "No."

I'm just trying to help,

trying to be part
of family entertainment.

-[cheering, applause]
-Stuff the whole family can use.

So, ladies,
they're not gonna tell you,

so you're on your own.

When you feel the body
start to tense up,

the-- the legs start to jerk
just a little bit,

they get that Tom Cruise look
on their face,

like they're really
concentrating on something.

That's scary right then.
That's scary.

I know a lot of girls
are like,

[muffled] "You're not gonna
come in my mouth, right?

You're not gonna come
in my mouth." "No.

No. [laughs] Honey. Honey!

I'm not gonna come
in your mouth. Don't worry.

It's all right."

And then girls, you feel that
hand on the back of your head,

and you're going, "Oh, God!
Oh, God, I can't get out!

I can't get out! [gagging]"

[cheering, applause]

Are you having any fun,
Hollywood?!

God, is television out
of ideas or what, man?

They're literally out
of ideas.

They're fucked.
Now they're making shows...

Now they're making shows out
of household products and shit.

They've ran out of plots,
ran out of ideas.

A guy tried to sell me
a satellite dish the other day.

Said, "Sam, if you have
a satellite dish,

you can get 188 channels."

I'm going, well,
I've got regular cable,

and that's about 36 channels.

And I would say out
of the 36 channels,

that a good 20 of them are shit.

That I never watch.

I'm not interested in a career
in real estate.

That's about six channels now.

Guy's trying to talk you into...

"Hey, give up your present job

and learn how
to fuck people over.

By buying property
without money." Yeah.

Yeah, that's worked out
real well.

"Fuck the S&L crisis. Hey!

You can be a land developer."

"What, me? I'm a fry cook."
"It doesn't matter!"

"I work at a cafeteria
at a hospital."

"It doesn't matter, you can be a
millionaire in no time at all!"

Yeah. So that's about six
of those channels.

And of course they have those
channels that are religious,

talk about Jesus and...

That... that's one of those
things that, you know,

I wish they would understand
that people basically,

I think, know who Jesus is.

Maybe I'm guessing,
maybe I'm way out of line here,

but I have a good feeling
that generally

Americans and the people
throughout the world know

who Jesus is!

So it's a little frustrating
to keep hearing about how

that, you know,
"We need your dollars.

We need your help.

'Cause we want people to know
who Jesus is." Hey!

We know who Jesus is!
Get a fucking job!

[cheering, applause]

Yeah, oh, God. Don't get me
started on that fucking subject.

Oh, man. The amusement parks
is what killed me.

How they scammed people
into believing

that "Jesus wants us to build
a Ferris wheel.

And then God willing,
God willing,

by this spring we'll have our
own log ride. Hallelujah!

For he said he that believeth
in me, yay,

shall not be able
to ride this ride

unless he's over this height."

What the fuck are they talking
about, man? You know.

Thought it was something to do
with clothing the naked,

feeding the hungry, you know,
sheltering the homeless.

"No, no, no. No, God wants us
to have a mall.

With 104 stores in it.

So people don't have to shop

with the sinner
and the unbeliever!

They can come and shop
with only Christians.

God's mall!"

People are like...
[sobbing]

"That makes sense to me.
I'm writing out a check.

I'm writing out a check."
You know.

So you got about six
of those fucking channels.

Then you got this other stuff.
You got channels I never use.

That I don't understand.

Channels like
The Weather Channel.

How much does it cost to produce
this fucking thing

and why waste the money?
How hard is it

to go to the door, open it,
look outside,

and take a wild,
uneducated guess...

-[cheering, applause]
-at what the fucking weather is?

How hard is that, man?

Do we need the fucking
Weather Channel?

-[audience] No!
-All right.

I'm glad you said that. We'll
send that message back to them.

Fuck you and your fucking
Weather Channel.

Then you got these shows that I
have no explanation for

because they're not really
television shows.

-[man shouts]
-Yeah, stuff like that.

They got one that's called
"The Amazing Discovery Show."

This show... I'm looking through
the thing one day

to find out what to watch,
right?

I turn it on,
and it's "Amazing Discoveries."

So I'm thinking, well, maybe
this is amazing discoveries.

Maybe this is, like,
the dead speak,

life on other planets,

how to turn actual rocks
into some kind of fuel form.

I didn't know. I thought maybe
this is amazing discoveries.

Turns out to be, this guy,
only thing he's discovered

is how to wax a fucking car!
That's the amazing discovery!

That's the big discovery.
That's the big hoopla.

That's the big,
"Oh, look! Ohh! Ohh!"

And he's got a studio audience.
People have tickets.

They waited in line
to see this show!

They were going, "Fuck Arsenio,
fuck Carson, fuck all this.

We got tickets
to see 'Amazing Discovery!'

This guy waxes a fucking car!
Wait till you see it!"

Yeah, amazing discoveries.

Tune in next week when they
show you how to mow the lawn!

It's amazing!

What the fuck happened
to TV shows?

What happened to a plot?

Yeah! No, but I mean, these
cable shows, they're like,

"Welcome to Didi's Stain Eater!"
[roars]

I think if it works,
give it a real test.

Go, "Yes, we have
the Shroud of Turin here,

that's held the image of Christ
for over 2,000 years.

The Catholic Church
has called it holy.

They've called it a sacrament.

But look what happens to it
when we spray Stain Eater

-on Jesus's face!"
-[spraying sound]

"He disappears! It's a fucking
dish rag! Get out of here!

Stain Eater, more powerful
than the image of Christ!

Oh, ohhh!"

I mean, if it works,
if it really works,

grab a can of it,
put it under your coat,

and hang outside the UN

and wait for Gorbachev
to come out.

[cheering, applause]

Sneak up on him,

sneak up on him, grab him,
put him in a headlock,

and spray that shit
on his forehead

and get that shit stain
off of his head.

Whatever that ugly
fucking birthmark is

on his fucking head,
get it off!

-Grab him, go, "You fucking..."
-[spraying sound]

"Go, Stain Eater, go!"

Then Richard Simmons
has got a show.

His is pretty funny.

He has a video called "Sweatin'
with the Oldies, Part Two."

Like "Sweatin' with the Oldies
Part One"

left something to be desired.

Like we didn't learn enough
from that.

We didn't see enough
from that.

Somewhere there was an audience
going, "No!

No, we want more!

Don't fucking tease us, Richard!

Goddamn it, you bastard!
You only gave us

fucking 'Sweatin'
with the Oldies Part One'!

Where is part two?"

Now, I don't know about you,

but I don't like
to see fat women dance

and work out!

Okay? This is nothing I like.

I don't get excited
to see fucking fat--

I'm not talking about fat--
I'm talking about women

that look like sumo wrestlers
doing squats and shit,

you know, and knee bends.
I don't wanna see that,

let alone pay 40
fucking dollars

for the video!
He charges for this!

He charges. He has the weirdest
fucking campaign I've ever seen.

He sticks his head out of a box,
he goes, "Hey!

Hey, are you tired of young
girls in tight outfits

dancing around doing aerobics?"

I go, "Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we're sick of that shit!

Young girls in tight outfits?
I've had enough of that!

Why don't you bring on
the women that served me food

in high school, huh?"

[cheering, applause]

[laughs]

Why don't you bring on some
of those female bus drivers

of the month?

Oh, man.

I don't know how he gets away
with it, man.

"Sweatin'
with the fuckin' Oldies."

And then he talks to 'em,
he talks to 'em.

And he cries with 'em.
He looks like he's crying.

That's the trick. That's
the Richard Simmons trick.

He looks like he's talking
to them.

He looks like he's crying.

He's not crying, he's trying not
to laugh in their face.

And by restraining the muscles
in his face,

tears come out of the side.

Which looks like he's crying.
But he's not really crying.

You can't be deceived.
Don't let him trick you.

And he'll talk to 'em,
and he'll have some woman,

God bless her, that weighed,
like, 400 pounds.

She lost 100 pounds, which,
God bless her, that's great.

But she still weighs 300
fucking pounds!

And he's talking to her
like she's a model.

You know,
like she's overcame it.

And... [laughs]

he'll try and talk to her,
not laugh, he'll go,

"Julie...

[laughing] Julie, do you
remember when you were fat?"

And he looks like he's crying.
And she really is crying!

She's going, "Yes, Richard,
I remember.

I remember I weighed
over 400 pounds

and I went to a family picnic
and we came home,

I couldn't get back inside
the house.

And...

and I had to live in the garage
for a couple months.

And then I also remember
that, uh,

my kids told me
about Deal A Meal,

which is kind of like Monopoly,
instead of, like, uh, you know,

a hotel, you get a sandwich.

And I lost 100 pounds
and my husband's so happy."

And this kid-- I mean, this
guy's sitting next to her.

Her husband sitting next to her,
looks like that kid

that was sitting
on Hussein's lap.

On the news interview.
He has that look like,

"I'm the reason
they created happy hour.

I'm the target audience
for happy hour, motherfucker.

You're looking at him
right here."

Somewhere bar owners
got together and said,

"You know, we're missing
a target audience here.

They get off of work at five,

they don't have
to eat till seven.

That's two hours!

If we put out a sign
that says 'happy hour,

drinks, half price,'
that's a target audience.

We got it made.
We've got an audience.

'Cause a lot of guys
are gonna go home

and go, "You know,
I'm not in a big fucking rush

to open that front door.

[cheering, applause]

I think I'll stop at happy hour
and have a couple drinks."

'Cause that's the case,
generally.

Every, you know, some guys
walk home and they...

[imitates door squeaking, roars]
"Oh! Oh, not drunk enough yet!

I need happy hour!"

Which is how happy hour
got started.

Anyway, I do this new thing now
that you might be interested in.

And it's... what we like to do

is we like to find a guy
in the audience

that has the worst story,

a man that has a story
of how he went through hell,

how he went through hell,
how a bitch broke his heart,

and then we want him,
you must know the phone number.

You must have a good story,
you must know the phone number,

and then we will call
the bitch here, live!

-[cheering, applause]
-And give her a piece

of your fucking mind! Yeah!

All right, who's got a story?
Talk to me.

No, get-- you wanna talk?
It's up to you, man.

It's gotta be a good story, man.
I wanna hear pain.

I don't wanna hear, "Hey, man,
she made me pay for--"

All right, come up here
and talk.

We have a mike here? All right.
Right here. Here's the mike.

No, here we go. Right there.

I have to look taller.
It's in my contract. All right.

-So... so what's your name?
-Gilbert.

-It might help if you--
-Gilbert.

Yeah, Gilbert?
What's the girl's name, Gilbert?

-Up here.
-Myrna.

-Tell us the story.
-Well...

-I just...
-[cheering]

I just finished getting engaged
to her.

Um, about a week after I got
engaged to her or something...

-Yeah?
-I got a tattoo of her,

and the week after that, um,
she was with somebody else.

-She dumped me.
-[audience shouting]

Thank you, Gilbert.
That was a real exciting story.

Thanks. We got some prizes back
there for you with your friends.

Yeah. I don't know about you,
I was gripped.

I was on the edge of my seat.

I want a fucking story
with pain!

You got a story,
come on up here!

Get up here! Give him the mike!
Give it to him!

Oh, yeah, with a Dice fucking
shirt on, I'm gonna use you.

-[booing]
-No, you can't even--

get the mike--
get him out of here!

Get him out of here!
Take that fucking shirt off!

Take it off! Get that fucking
shirt off! Yeah!

-All right! All right!
-[cheering]

Now you can talk!

Here, wait, wait.
Let me wipe my ass with it!

-All right!
-[cheering, applause]

[inaudible]

I want-- here's a guy right here
with the hat and glasses.

Stand up, sir, right there where
you are, come on over.

Come here. This guy--
anybody would that would wear

a hat and glasses in here,
it had to be pain.

Bring it up. Talk to me.

We wanna know.
Do we wanna know?!

-[audience] Yeah!
-What's your name?

-Kevin.
-What is it?

-Kevin.
-Well, what did she do to you?

Well, I, you know...

My, basically,
my brother lost his job.

And so I, you know,
I took him in,

-[booing]
-living with my girlfriend...

Hey, let's be compassionate
until we're...

I take my brother...

...are sure we wanna
humiliate him.

-I take my brother in.
-Yeah, you took your brother in.

-I'm working...
-You're working.

-He lost his job.
-I come home from work,

-I'm taking care of him.
-You're being a good brother.

You're being a biblical brother.
Am I my brother's keeper?

You're saying yes.
Yes, I am my brother's keeper.

He lost his house,
I took him in to mine.

-You did him a favor.
-I come home from work,

and... and, you know,
he's with my girl

-on the kitchen table.
-The kitchen table,

where you have
to eat your breakfast?

-Yeah.
-[audience shouting]

Where you break--
where you break bread

-at the end of a hard day.
-That's what it was.

You have to... you have
to sit there and smell...

the odor of love,
the odor of forbidden love!

-Yeah.
-The stench!

The stench, if you will,
ladies and gentlemen,

of forbidden love.
He had to smell it!

He can't even enjoy his meal!
[laughs]

He can't even enjoy his meal!

He's like, "Well, I...
I'd like to enjoy..."

-I just wanted dinner.
-"I'd like to enjoy

this Salisbury steak and corn,
but I can't help

but still smell
the forbidden stench

of forbidden love! [gagging]"

Kevin, you're our winner.
Is Kevin our winner?!

-[cheering, applause]
-Oh...

Oh, bring the phone,
bring the phone!

Bring the phone, girls, oh!

We have operators standing by!

Whoo!

These are the operators
we have standing by.

It just makes you wanna
reach out and touch someone.

Ladies and gentlemen, this woman
in the purple polka dot dress

is none other than Sally Marr,
Lenny Bruce's mother.

Please make her feel welcome.
She's my dearest friend!

-I love you, Sally!
-[phone dialing]

Darling! Cutie.

Boy, I got so many good friends
here tonight.

And you know another thing...

Oh... this mike.

I gotta get some black tape
or grip or something on this.

All right, is the phone ringing?

-[man] Hello?
-Hello?

-Yes?
-Yeah, is, um... Kate there?

-Kate?
-Yeah.

Uh, yeah, hang on a second.

[cheering, applause]

-[woman] Hello?
-Watch me work, Kevin.

-Watch me work.
-Hello?

-Hi, Kate?
-Yeah?

Kate! It's so good
to talk to you.

-Who is this?
-This is Sam Kinison.

I'm down at the Wiltern Theatre.

-Who?
-Yes.

[cheering, applause]

You are the winner
of a very special prize.

-And what's that?
-Well, we have a guy here--

-Do you remember Kevin?
-Uh, yeah.

-Do you remember Kevin?
-Yeah.

Did you used to go out with him?

-A long time ago.
-That's what he was telling us.

And we were looking for a girl
who was a fucking cunt

that fucked her boyfriend's
brother, and you won!

You fucking bitch!
How do you live with yourself?!

-You piece of shit!
-You fucking bitch!

-...wanna jump and yell!
-You fucking cunt!

You fucking bitch!
I hope you rot in hell!

I hope you rot in fucking hell
forever!

-Hear that?
-Yeah!

[cheering, applause]

-Take it, Randy.
-[rock music plays]

♪ Going down

♪ Down, down, down,
down, down ♪

♪ Going down

♪ Down, down, down,
down, down ♪

♪ Got my head out
the window, baby ♪

♪ Big feet on the ground

♪ Going down

♪ Down, down,
down, down, down ♪

♪ Going down, yeah

♪ Down, down, down,
down, down ♪

♪ Head out the window

♪ Big feet on the ground

♪ You know she's gone

♪ Gone, gone, gone,
gone, gone ♪

♪ Hey, she's gone

♪ She's gone, gone,
gone, gone, gone, yeah ♪

♪ I got my head
out the window, baby ♪

♪ Big feet on the ground

[song ends]

[cheering, applause]

Hey, we love you, Hollywood!

Thank you for coming out!
Good night!