The Royal Variety Performance 2018 (2018) - full transcript

'OK, it's fine,
Rob's not going to take over,

'and it's fine that they normally
just ask one person to host.

'Don't get in your head.

'You are high profile.

'You're a tiger.'

I'm so excited, mate.

Ten years ago,
we started out together.

Look at us. I dreamt of this.

Yeah, me, too. Except in my dream,
you weren't there.

Come on, mate, stop it.

We are hosting
the Royal Variety Performance



together, as a double act.

Rob, we are not a double act.
Yes, we are, mate.

We're hosting together,
we're a double act.

We are not a double act.
We are.

This is classic double act stuff,
isn't it?

We are not a double act.

That could be our catchphrase.

What are we not?
A double act.

What are we not?

Say it.
A double act.

There we go.

Rob, you're getting
a bit overexcited.

I don't want to offend you,

but you need to be
a little less Rob Beckett.



Yeah, but I am Rob Beckett.

That's the most Rob Beckett
thing you've ever said. What?

We need to be professional.
Be a bit grateful to be here.

Ah, stop you there. Not a problem.

I've been down the shop,
got some presents for everyone.

Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

What does everyone want
in the theatre,

no matter who you are?

Lovely pack of Revels.

And... Pierre le resistance.

Pierre?
Tea towel.

And at the bottom,
"What are we not?"

Say it.

A double act.

'Welcome to the London Palladium
for the Royal Variety Performance,

'in the presence
of their Royal Highnesses

'the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

'The show is in aid
of the Royal Variety Charity,

'of which Her Majesty the Queen
is patron.

'The Royal party are introduced
to Laurie Mansfield,

'life president of the charity,
and its chairman Giles Cooper,

'before meeting some
of tonight's performers -

'Petula Clark, Zizi Strallen,
and Charlie Stemp

'from the cast of Mary Poppins.

'As their Royal Highnesses
make their way into the theatre,

'the fanfare trumpeters
of the band of the Irish Guards,

'together with actor Luke Evans,
lead the national anthem.'

# God save our gracious Queen

# Long live our noble Queen

# God save the Queen

# Send her victorious

# Happy and glorious

# Long to reign over us

# God save

# The Queen. #

APPLAUSE

'Please welcome your hosts
for this evening,

'Mr Rob Beckett
and Mr Romesh Ranganathan.'

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to
the 2019 Royal Variety Performance,

the biggest and best variety show
in the world!

APPLAUSE

I mean, I can't believe

we're hosting
the Royal Variety Performance.

Yeah, neither can
the British public.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I know what you mean, Rom,

it does feel like
there's been a booking error.

We're doing this,

Ant and Dec are turning on
Christmas lights in Croydon.

LAUGHTER

It's a huge honour to be here
to host a show

at the incredible London Palladium.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Growing up in Crawley
as a small Asian boy,

I never dreamed...

Oh, no, I think...

LAUGHTER

I think I've read your bit.
Oh, do you reckon?

LAUGHTER

Anyway, it's an honour to be hosting
the 107th Royal Variety Performance.

APPLAUSE

107 years of history.

Right, so it's taken them
106 of these

before they decided
to brown it up.

LAUGHTER

Er... I dunno,

Des O'Connor and Bob Monkhouse
had great tans.

And even then,
they've diluted it

by making me host it
with the whitest person on TV.

LAUGHTER

Right, Rom, come on.
It's unbelievable.

Romesh, stop moaning,
you should be excited,

we're the first double act
to do this in years.

We're not a double act, OK?

When your nan watches this,

she'll think you're hosting it
with your Uber driver.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's a pretty tasteless round
of applause if I'm being honest.

LAUGHTER

Also, why is it Rob and Rom,
why is it not Rom and Rob?

Well, they booked me first,
then I convinced them to have you.

If you're not happy
with the double act name,

we could smash our names together,

and be called, like, Rangett.

No?

No, I don't like that, mate.

Rangett sounds like somebody
just getting my name wrong.

Yeah, that does happen a lot,
doesn't it?

People always come up to me and go,
"Oh, I love your mate Ramesh."

And I always put them right.

I say, "He's not my mate."

LAUGHTER

"We just work together."

Look, if you're really not happy,

what about the double act name I was
thinking about calling us earlier?

Rob, we are not being called
Coffee And Cream.

LAUGHTER

Cream And Coffee?

No, we are not Cream And Coffee.

Might as well call ourselves
Beckett And Bud Bud.

EXAGGERATED INDIAN ACCENT:
"Oh, it's such an honour to be here

"at the Royal Variety,
thank you so much."

Is that what you want?
It went down well.

It did, to be fair.
LAUGHTER

Right, before we move on
any further, we must mention

that we are, of course,
in the company

of two very special VIP guests.

Our mums.

Hello!

APPLAUSE

There they are.

Looking like the subs bench
for Loose Women.

LAUGHTER

It's lovely.
Your mum's here, Romesh!

Your mum's on TV with you.
That's a shock, isn't it?

You're like the Andy Murray
of comedy.

LAUGHTER

Cheer up, all right.

Mum, this must be
such a surreal moment for you.

Your son is here hosting
the Royal Variety,

and you're technically still
an illegal immigrant.

LAUGHTER

Fingers crossed on the paperwork.

No, in all seriousness,
fingers crossed you stay.

LAUGHTER

We are also joined by
some special Royal guests tonight.

I'm really excited
about the Royal party being here.

I've been doing some research,
Romesh. What research?

I went to Hampton Court Palace,
I was there for nine hours.

Nine hours?
Yeah, I got lost in the maze.

MUTED LAUGHTER

That's an actual joke, that one.
Come on, guys!

You went for the Bud Bud stuff,
but not for an actual joke.

LAUGHTER

Rom, do you mind...

Sorry.

I'm getting carried away.
It's fun, isn't it?

Do you mind introducing the Royals,
please?

Well, I can do that,
but why can't you do it?

I don't want to ruin it.

Because when I say Duchess,

it sounds like when I used to work
at the market.

It's a bit, you know...

"Hello, Duchess, how's it going?
Nice to see you, Duchess!

"There you go, girl!

"All right, Duchess,
want some strawberries, Duchess?"

It sounds a bit disrespectful.

That's because it is disrespectful.

Listen, it is my great honour
and privilege

to introduce
their Royal Highnesses...

What are you doing?
Bowing.

You don't bow like that.
That's what you have to do.

No, you do that
at the end of a panto.

LAUGHTER

Stand up straight, mate,
you're embarrassing me.

Sorry, Romesh.

OK, as I was saying, it is my great
honour and privilege to introduce

their Royal Highnesses,
the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

APPLAUSE

Their Royal Highnesses,
thank you for coming out tonight.

You're on date night,
that's exciting, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

It's hard to get out.

Have you got the babysitter
until midnight or one?

LAUGHTER

It's always worth the extra 20 quid
until late.

LAUGHTER

I know how it feels.

You've also, like me,
been blessed with three kids.

And I imagine every morning
they come running into your bedroom,

you look at their beautiful faces
and you think,

"I regret this."

LAUGHTER

Right, Rom,
we've got to go over here. Why?

I don't know, they told me earlier,
someone who looked official,

they said stand over here.

OK, so we've been
in the centre stage,

now we're moving over, fine.

We have an incredible line-up
of megastars

all giving up their time to support
the Royal Variety Charity.

Robbie Williams, Lewis Capaldi,
Emeli Sande, Luke Evans,

Frank Skinner, Cirque du Soleil,
and loads, loads more.

But to kick off the show in style,

we have one of the UK's
biggest stars.

With an exclusive performance
of the seasonal classic

Christmas: Baby, Please Come Home,

please welcome the magnificent
Robbie Williams!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Christmas
# The snow's coming down

# Christmas
# I'm watching it fall

# Christmas
# Lots of people around

# Christmas
Baby, please come home

# Christmas
The church bells in town

# Christmas
# All ringing in song

# Christmas
# Full of happy sounds

# Christmas
# Baby, please come home

# They're singing Deck The Halls

# But it's not like Christmas at all

# Cos I remember when you were here

# And all the fun we had last year.

# Christmas
# Pretty lights on the tree

# Christmas
I'm watching them shine

# Christmas
You should be here with me

# Christmas
Baby, please come home

# They're singing Deck The Halls

# But it's not like Christmas at all

# Cos I remember when you were here

# And all the fun we had last year.

# Christmas
# If there was a way

# Christmas
# I'd hold back this tear

# Christmas
But it's Christmas day

# Please

# Please, please

# Please, please, please

# Baby, please come home

# Please come home

# Please, yeah, yeah

# Please come home

# Come home

# Please

# Yeah

# Yeah

# Please come home

# Home. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How about that,
ladies and gentlemen?

Amazing, the legend
that is Robbie Williams, everyone.

APPLAUSE

Unbelievable.
Smashed it.

You've done a great job, fellas.

Thank you.

My mum is here tonight,
she is a massive fan.

Where is she?
Just over there.

It's a bit unprofessional,
but my mum is a big fan,

do you mind signing the album?
Is that all right? Yeah.

Rob, you can't do this
during the show.

Erm... Shut up, Rom.

If you could just sign it,
that would be great.

Just leave it blank,
get a bit more money on eBay.

LAUGHTER

Rom, do you mind introducing
the next act?

Lads, bring that in.
You're not rushing off, are you?

You are on later, aren't you?
Yeah, I'm on for a bit.

Yeah, perfect.

LAUGHTER

Rob, this is not cool.

We don't have time for this.
I've got to introduce the next act.

Yeah, we are up against it.
I tell you what, my dressing room,

do you mind popping back
to the dressing room?

You can push that. Off you go.
Yeah, you take that.

APPLAUSE

Robbie Williams, everyone!

'Still to come, Lewis Capaldi,
Frank Skinner

'and Britain's Got Talent winner
Colin Thackery.'

Our next act's daring stunts
and incredible acrobatic skills

have been wowing audiences
around the world.

Using dazzling choreography,

their performances
are made even more impressive

given that they are
all non-professional

and the youngest
is just six years old.

All the way here from Austria
with a mind-blowing new routine

especially for tonight,
please welcome Zurcaroh.

APPLAUSE

NEW AGE MUSIC

DRAMATIC MUSIC

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Time for our next act.

2019 has seen our next artist
catapulted to superstar status.

Having produced the biggest
UK single of the year,

his debut album spent six weeks
at the top of the charts,

and recently scored an elusive
number one single in the US.

We are thrilled he's here tonight.

Please could you welcome,
with his latest smash hit, Bruises,

the brilliant Lewis Capaldi.

APPLAUSE

# Counting days, counting days
Since my love up and got lost on me

# And every breath
That I've been takin'

# Since you left
Feels like a waste on me

# I've been holding on to hope

# That you'll come back when you can
Find some peace

# Cos every word
That I've heard spoken

# Since you left
Feels like a hollow street

# I've been told, I've been told
To get you off my mind

# But I hope I never lose
The bruises that you left behind

# Oh, my lord, oh, my lord
I need you by my side

# There must be something
In the water

# Cos every day it's getting colder

# And if only I could hold you

# You'd keep my head
From going under

# Maybe I
Maybe I'm just being blinded

# By the brighter side

# Of what we had because it's over

# Well, there must be something
in the tide

# I've been told, I've been told
To get you off my mind

# But I hope I never lose
The bruises that you left behind

# Oh, my lord, oh, my lord
I need you by my side

# There must be something
In the water

# Cos every day it's getting colder

# And if only I could hold you

# You'd keep my head
From going under

# Mmm-mmm

# Mmm-mmm

# Mmm-mmm

# Mmm-mmm

# Your love I'm lost in

# It's your love I'm lost in

# Your love I'm lost in

# And I'm tired of being
So exhausted

# It's your love I'm lost in

# Your love I'm lost in

# It's your love I'm lost in

# Even though I'm nothing to you now

# Even though I'm nothing to you now

# There must be something
In the water

# Cos every day it's getting colder

# And if only I could hold you

# You'd keep my head
From going under

# There must be something
In the water

# Cos every day it's getting colder

# And if only I could hold you

# You'd keep my head
From going under. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, what a night we've had so far!
Are you enjoying yourselves?

ALL CHEER

It's posh here, isn't it?
It's even posher in the flesh.

I didn't realise I was working class

until I read an interview
with this posh bloke.

Asked him his hobbies,
he put down "rowing"

and I read it as rowing.

LAUGHTER

That's the world I'm coming from.

I'm getting better at being posh.

My in-laws are posh.
It's difficult adjusting.

You know what it's like, Kate,
with the in-laws.

LAUGHTER

I knew they were posh,
first time I went round their house,

they offered me a cup of tea.

In a normal house, "Milk or sugar?"
You answer, you get a cup of tea.

I went round there, they said,
"Breakfast or Earl Grey?"

I panicked, I'd just had lunch.

LAUGHTER
Didn't know what to say.

I went round a week later,
mother-in-law offered me a Red Bush,

I nearly fainted.
LAUGHTER

My house is getting
more middle-class, though,

because my wife lives there.

LAUGHTER

She said to me the other day,

"Rob, we've got people coming over,
can you put the towels away?"

I went, "I have, on the banister.
That's where they go."

LAUGHTER

Now I've got half posh kids,
half not.

They sound like me and my wife.

So they'll be like, "Daddy,
please can I have some wa'er?"

LAUGHTER

"Mummy, I want milk, I don't want
'azelnut alternative."

LAUGHTER

It's funny when they say something
I would say in a posh voice.

They'll be like,
"Dad, stop mugging me off."

"You absolute melt."

I took my kids to visit my parents.

Old school, working class,

my dad was a lorry driver,
now a cabdriver.

Went round,
Mum's in the front room.

I went, "Where's Dad?"
She went, "He's in the cab."

I went, "Why?"
She went, "He don't feel well."

"So? Why is he there?"

She went, "Well, you know,

"his life insurance pays out more
if he's at work."

LAUGHTER

He's getting a bit older now.
I had to take him to the hospital.

He's had his cataracts done,
both eyes.

And I had to pick him up
from the hospital.

He don't like me picking him up
anywhere, cos I drive an automatic,

I never did gears,
he's never forgiven me.

So I picked him up
from the hospital,

he's come out with, like,
the bandage on.

All bandaged up,
can't see anything, both eyes.

Get him in the car,

I've got Gabrielle playing
for a laugh, try to lift the mood.

LAUGHTER

We're driving home,
and I panic a bit when I'm driving.

Roundabouts, not very good at them.
cos I know there's a rule,

but when I get there, I panic.

So what I do
is I get in the middle lane,

wait for someone to come
on the inside and when they go,

I accelerate and scream.

LAUGHTER

Not had an accident so far.

Anyway, so we get home, bandage,

parallel space, I can't get it,
I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out,

he's getting more and more annoyed.

The neighbours are looking,
twitching, stuff like that.

I'm trying, and I can't do it.
Eventually he goes, "Get out."

"What?"
He goes, "Get out, I'll do it."

"But, Dad, you can't see."

He went, "You can,
and you still can't park it.

LAUGHTER

So I got out,
because I am the kind of person

that will watch their blind dad
try and park a car.

I'm fine with that. So I get out.

Anyway, I don't how he did it,
pure concentration, right,

he got in there, I don't know how,
but he did it in one.

I don't know how he did it,
because he weren't looking.

Just muscle memory,
a space he has parked in for years.

In one, bang,
just using geezer sense.

I've never seen him happier.

He slammed the door and went to me,
"You are an embarrassment."

And then walked into
next door's garden.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much.

'Stay tuned for performances
from Mabel,

'Harry Connick Jr,

'and the cast of Mary Poppins.'

APPLAUSE

It's been an incredible year

for our next performer,
not only has she achieved

the biggest selling single
by a British female artist,

she's also amassed a phenomenal
300 million views on YouTube.

Joining us to perform the monster
hit Don't Call Me Up, it's Mabel!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: 'Don't Call Me Up'
by Mabel

# When I'm underneath
The bright lights

# When I'm trying to have
A good time

# Cos I'm good now you ain't mine
Now, now, now, now,

# Don't call me up

# When you're looking at my photos

# Getting hot, losing control

# You want me more now I let go
Now, now, now, now

# I'm over you
And I don't need your lies no more

# Cos the truth is
Without you, boy, I'm stronger

# And I know you're sad
That I changed, have a cold heart

# But it was your game
That left scars

# Ooh, I'm over you

# Don't call me up

# I'm going out tonight
Feeling good

# Now you're outta my life
Don't wanna talk about us

# Gotta leave it behind
One drink and you're outta my mind

# Now, now take it up, baby
I'm on a high

# You're alone
Going out of your mind

# But I'm here up in the club

# And I don't wanna talk

# So don't call me up

# Cos I'm here looking fine, babe

# And I got eyes looking my way

# And everybody's on my vibe, babe
Now, now, now, now

# Don't call me up

# My friends said you were a bad man

# I should have listened to them
Back then

# And now you're trying
To hit me up again

# Now, now, now, now

# I'm over you and I don't need
Your lies no more

# Cos the truth is, without you
Boy, I'm stronger

# And I know you're sad
That I changed, have a cold heart

# But it was your game
That left scars

# Ooh, I'm over you

# Don't call me up

# I'm going out tonight

# Feeling good
Now you're outta my life

# Don't wanna talk about us

# I've gotta leave it behind

# One drink and you're outta my mind
Now, now, take it up

# Baby, I'm on a high
You're alone, going out of your mind

# But I'm here up in the club

# And I don't wanna talk

# So don't call me up

# Don't call me up

# So don't call me up

# Don't call me up

# I'm over you and I don't need
Your lies no more

# Cos the truth is, without you
Boy, I'm stronger

# And I know you're sad
That I changed, have a cold heart

# But it was your game
That left scars

# Ooh, I'm over you

# Don't call me up

# I'm going out tonight

# Feeling good
Now you're outta my life

# Don't wanna talk about us

# I've gotta leave it behind

# One drink and you're outta my mind
Now, now take it up

# Baby, I'm on a high
You're alone, going out of your mind

# But I'm here up in the club
And I don't wanna talk

# So don't call me up. #

APPLAUSE

Following a sold out
stand-up tour of the UK

and on the eve of a London run
in the New Year,

we are delighted to introduce
a comedy legend.

Please welcome, the one and only,
Frank Skinner!

APPLAUSE

Hey, Royal Variety Performance, eh?

Eh?
CHEERS IN THE AUDIENCE

Yes, I, um...

To think I was working at Birmingham
Airport about 25 years... I was.

I worked on the check-in desk
at Birmingham Airport.

I can still remember the day I left,
an emotional moment,

I said to the guy, "Look,
it's been great working with you,

"I'm going to miss you all,
look after yourselves

"and, you know, mind how you go."

NERVOUS LAUGHS

LAUGHTER
See you again.

Bye.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Good job you clapped,
I'd have done that for ten minutes.

LAUGHTER

So, this is not
my first royal engagement,

I did the Queen's
92nd birthday party recently.

That... Oh, I played ukulele
at that one. Think yourselves lucky.

LAUGHTER
And I was very excited, I got home,

I said to my partner, "Guess what,
I'm going to play ukulele

"for the Queen's 92nd birthday party
at the Royal Albert Hall.

"The Royal Family will be there,
it'll be fantastic."

I said, "Do you wanna come?"
She said...

"Who else is on?"

LAUGHTER

We had a small row.

Not too big.

I wouldn't want anyone to see
one of our big rows.

When me and my partner
have one of our big rows,

I think if someone watched us,

it would be like
watching a band in concert.

Cos we start off
with some new stuff...

LAUGHTER

..and then we start rolling out
our greatest hits.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's the applause of recognition,
isn't it?

LAUGHTER

So, erm, I grew up
in the West Midlands,

which is a, er, lovely...

I know, nothing.
FEW AUDIENCE CHEERS

Really?

Oh, they must have given
the cleaners tickets.

That's lovely.
LAUGHTER

Er...

A different kind of a childhood
to your modern child,

you know, we didn't have the Xboxes
and stuff like that,

we had to make our own toys.

I had, er...

I used to use this, this is
an old fashioned nut and bolt here.

This was...

The pleasure I got from this,
as a kid, you wouldn't believe it.

What I would do, is every time
the fairground came...

LAUGHTER

Just wait for me,
will you wait for me?

LAUGHTER

We're on the Big Wheel
and I'd wait till we were on the top

and just go...

LAUGHTER

Worked every time.

The other thing
I used to love to do as a kid,

I used to do this a lot,
I went everywhere like this.

On an imaginary horse, cos I loved
the cowboy films and stuff.

And I had a few mates, as well,
a small possy.

LAUGHTER

We went everywhere,
I never walked anywhere,

always on imaginary horseback.

And the road I lived in, our side
of the road was council houses

and the other side
was privately owned.

So we never went over there,
we didn't feel welcome.

So, we would just ride up and down,
looking across.

LAUGHTER

And we'd see the kids
in the private houses on...

They'd be in the street
on their imaginary horses,

but they'd be doing dressage.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

I mean, there's nothing wrong
with that...

LAUGHTER

So, look, I'd like to leave you
with another story from growing up.

When I was a bit older,
in my early twenties,

I used to go to working men's clubs,
I used to watch the variety bills.

It was a bit like this tonight,
a little bit.

LAUGHTER
And, um...

I went to a place called
The Barn Social Club in Aston.

I don't know if any of you
are familiar with it?

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

And er...

A guy came on, he was a singer,
and he came on, he was the classic,

he had the curly perm
and the red shoes,

and he did that song...
# You're just too good to be true. #

Now, the things with that song,

I don't know if you remember,

there's a really high bit
in the middle.

The brass comes in...
# Blah-dah, blah-dah. #

You've gotta be...

You've gotta hit a big...
# Oh, pretty... #

The thing is,
you have to start down here...

DEEPLY: # You used to... #

..give yourself somewhere to go.

Plan ahead.
LAUGHTER

You've got...
DEEPLY: # Can't take my eyes... #

So, this guy came on,
full of confidence.

MID-PITCHED: # You're just too good
To be true. #

We all, everyone went,
"He'll never make it."

LAUGHTER

It was a nightmare.

A hum went around the room,
we couldn't look.

Two people left,
they couldn't handle it.

LAUGHTER

We finally got to the brass bit
in the middle.

# Blah-dah, blah-dah. #

I heard one woman
say to her husband,

"You've gotta stop it, Dave."

He said, "It's too late."
LAUGHTER

The old lady actually took my hand.

LAUGHTER

We were all there, tense.

It got to the...
# Dah-da, dah-da, da! #

And I swear, this singer went...

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Look, you've been very, very lovely,
thank you very much, good night!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

'When we return, spell-binding
performances from Cirque Du Soleil

'and Hollywood star, Luke Evans.'

APPLAUSE

Our next act is a renowned star
of the West End,

having starred
in Miss Saigon and Rent.

He also lit up the big screen
in The Hobbit, The Girl On The Train

and as Gaston,
in Disney's Beauty And The Beast.

Here tonight to perform
Love Is A Battlefield,

from his debut album, At Last,

please welcome the sensational,
Luke Evans!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: 'Love Is A Battlefield'
by Luke Evans

# We are strong

# No-one can tell us we're wrong

# Searching our hearts for so long

# Love is a battlefield

# You're begging me to go

# Then making me stay

# Why do you hurt me so bad

# You could help me to know

# Do I stand in your way

# Or am I the best thing you've had

# Believe me, believe me

# I can't tell you why

# And I'm lost by your love

# And I'm chained by your side

# We are young

# Heartache to heartache we stand

# No promises, no demands

# Love is a battlefield

# We are strong

# No-one can tell us we're wrong

# Searching our hearts for so long

# Both of us knowing

# Love is a battlefield

# When I'm losing control

# Will you turn me away

# Or touch me deep inside

# And when all this gets old

# Will it still feel the same

# There's no way this will die

# But if we get much closer

# I could lose control

# And if your heart surrenders

# You'll need me to hold

# We are strong

# No-one can tell us we're wrong

# Searching our hearts for so long

# Love is a battlefield

# Love

# We are strong

# Heartache to heartache we stand

# No promises, no demands

# Both of us knowing

# Ah-ah

# Love is a battlefield

# Ah-ah

# Love is a battlefield

# Ah-ah

# Love is a battlefield

# Ah

# Love is a battlefield. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's 30 years since Cirque Du Soleil
made their debut here in the UK

and since then, they've become
a Royal Variety favourite.

Yes, tonight we have a performance
that defies belief

and will have you quite literally
watching through your fingers.

From their latest show, Luzia,

which opens at The Royal Albert Hall
in January,

please welcome Cirque Du Soleil's
Alexey Goloborodko.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Alexey Goloborodko,
from Cirque Du Soleil, everyone!

APPLAUSE

Hold that, mate.

LAUGHTER

That was great, wasn't it?

Romesh?
Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Er...

LAUGHTER

Romesh?
Yeah.

Have you, erm...

Have you, er...

LAUGHTER

Have you breathed out, yet?
No.

LAUGHTER

Shall we... Shall we do it together?

On three?
Yeah.

TOGETHER: One, two, three.
Ah...

LAUGHTER

Oh, my, I don't know how you do it!

I look like a snake
that's eaten a sheep!

LAUGHTER

You don't!

OK, well, you may be wondering why
Rob and me are dressed like this.

Well, Alexey, has very kindly said

he's going to show us
how to be a contortionist, so...

LAUGHTER

I don't know what's funny
about that, guys.

So, we're gonna get into these.
Can we bring on the boxes, please?

OK, here we go.

Right.

LAUGHTER

OK, so, Rob, you're up first.

Yes, OK.
Good luck.

Do you think I'll be able to get
in this one, do I look bendy?

No.
OK.

LAUGHTER

Do you think I could be bendy
with the right training?

Hmm...

Not really.
OK, right.

LAUGHTER

You're not doing much
for the self-confidence, here.

Any advice?

Warm up and do some stretching.

Stretching, yeah?
So a bit of that...

Not that much.
Not that much?!

LAUGHTER
Look at that!

OK, that is dist...
Take it easy.

You're ready.
Oh.

LAUGHTER

You're worried I'm gonna
put you out of a job, aren't ya?

I believe in you.

You believe in me? Oh,
you're hurrying us along, are you?

OK, fair enough, I'll go in.
I'll just stretch.

Get in, mate, good luck.

LAUGHTER

I thought I'd get a bit more...
It's fine.

LAUGHTER
Get in the box.

LAUGHTER

Rob, Rob.

That's it.
Is that in?

Well, the lid's not shut,
do you wanna get down?

OK, right, I think I'm in.

I'm in! I'm in!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SPEECH DROWNED OUT
BY APPLAUSE

Romesh...

Yeah, I'm gonna get in mine now,
Rob, all right?

It's a bit hot and small in here.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I'm in now, mate.

LAUGHTER

Romesh?

Shh. Yes, yes, mate.
Are you in yours?

Oh, yeah, I'm in mine, mate.

It's so cramped in here,
so dark, it's awful.

LAUGHTER

It doesn't sound
like you're in a box.

Oh, I'm in the box all right,
don't you worry about that.

Well... Are you sure?

Romesh! Romesh!
Alexey, everybody!

APPLAUSE

See you later, I'm off to put
a shipping address on that box.

See ya.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

'After the break,
the cast of Mary Poppins

'and a very special performance
from Emeli Sande.'

APPLAUSE

Next, we have one of the country's
best-loved comedy performers,

who's about to embark
on her new stand-up tour.

She's also a hugely talented actor

who delighted us
in Derek, Bad Move and After Life.

Give it up for the wonderful
Kerry Godliman!

APPLAUSE

Hello!

Are you all having a good time?
AUDIENCE: Yes.

This is a very glamorous do,
isn't it? A lot of glamour.

A lot of glamour in the room,
it's very...

There's a lot of pressure on women,
er, we get quite dressed up.

There's some spectacular outfits.

There's a lot of pressure, I mean,
I got my roots done

earlier in the week,
cos until Thursday

it looked like
I was wearing a tiny hat.

LAUGHTER

I, um...

There's so much pressure on us.
A lot of it comes from magazines.

We get told what to do and wear
from magazines.

I was reading in a women's magazine
recently, it said,

"Women that are over the age of 30,
you should be using an eye cream."

Right? Right?

We're on board, I know.

I was like, "Oh, no."

So I went to one
of the department stores, you know,

the really big department stores,

where on the ground floor,
all the scientists are?

LAUGHTER

I thought, "I'll go and talk
to one of them."

And I found one, she was...
She had a white coat on.

She was definitely a medic.

LAUGHTER

I said, "Hello, I'd like
some eye cream, please."

She said, "OK, what eye cream
are you currently using

"in your eye cream regime?"

LAUGHTER

Cos some women just shimmy
when they speak, don't they?

"What eye cream are you currently
using in your eye cream regime?"

I said, "I'm not using any,
look at my face."

LAUGHTER

She went, "How old are you?"
LAUGHTER

She got a bit aggressive
at this stage, she changed.

She went a bit Ray Winston,
if I'm honest.

LAUGHTER

AGGRESSIVELY: "How old are ya?"

I said, "I'm 45."

"I'm sorry."

LAUGHTER

She was SO cross!

"You're 45 and you haven't got
an eye cream regime?!

"You're an idiot!"

It's very difficult to know
how to respond

to such a sophisticated
sales strategy, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

I'm quite enjoying aging,

I'm not worrying about little
things, about appearance, so much.

Like, I will never wear
a boob tube ever again.

That's quite a liberating thing
to just be sure of, isn't it?

Like, maybe as a hair band...
LAUGHTER

..if nothing else.

I'm enjoying letting myself go
in a great many ways.

I went on a barging holiday
earlier this year

and wore Crocs and socks
for three straight days.

LAUGHTER

I've never felt more alive.

I try and not follow fashion
cos there's no point,

although I have gone
for the jumpsuit,

which is the outfit of the evening,
I think you might have noticed.

I don't know why I got involved,
to be honest, in a jumpsuit.

I get the appeal, cos you feel
like a winner in a jumpsuit.

You do things you didn't know
you could do.

Walking around, like,
in your middle aged Baby-gro.

LAUGHTER

Smashed it.

It always ends badly if you go
on a night out in a jumpsuit.

It always ends the same way,

you sat on the toilet, crying,
drunk in your bra.

LAUGHTER

I haven't been to the loo for
four hours, I can't get out of it.

LAUGHTER

So, er...
I've got kids, as well.

They get very excited
this time of year, don't they?

They're very, er...

They're not conducive
to being laid-back, children.

I get very wound up
around parenting,

quite triggered by parenting.

My son had a day off school
earlier this week

cos he had an allergic reaction
to a bath bomb.

LAUGHTER
He drank it.

LAUGHTER

I said, "Why did you do that?"

He went, "It's so blue
and sparkly, Mummy."

LAUGHTER

"I wanted it on the inside."

LAUGHTER

You can't argue with that,
I wouldn't, you wouldn't, would you?

A perfectly reasonable response.

I sent him to school anyway,
the next day

and he didn't feel well,
they rang me mid morning.

They were, "He's not well,
you'll have to get him."

I went, "Oh, yeah,
it's cos he drank a bath bomb."

LAUGHTER

She said, "Why did you
let him do that?"

What a stupid question!

LAUGHTER

My daughter's got a phone.
She goes to secondary school,

so she's got a phone,
cos they all want a phone

and she's been campaigning
from when she was younger.

I wasn't keen on her having one
when she was too young,

but now she's at secondary school,
you know, I wanna track her,

so I said, "You can have one."

LAUGHTER

"You can have a phone."

And she's been after one
for a long time,

always arguing about it.

She was, "How old were you
when you had your first phone?"

I said, "28."
LAUGHTER

So, I won that, I won that.

I won that argument.

It's hard to explain to people
life before, you know.

I didn't grow up with a mobile.

Explain to young people,
that are used to them, life before.

Like, before emoji's,
if you wanted to flirt with someone,

you had to take an aubergine out
with you, didn't you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Lug it around...

Lug it around a nightclub.

LAUGHTER

It's a right pain.
She loves it, she loves her phone.

Kids love them. We all love
our phones, but kids really...

It's like living with Golem. She's,
"Oh, I love my precious phone..."

LAUGHTER

She likes doing FaceTime,
kids like FaceTime, don't they?

I use it as a phone,
but she's like...

I get the appeal, cos she's young
and she's got a young face.

LAUGHTER

I don't wanna do FaceTime
cos I don't wanna look at my face.

It's hard doing FaceTime, you get
very distracted by the other face.

No, I'm listening.

LAUGHTER

TEARFULLY: That's my face.

LAUGHTER

It's upsetting.

I do get... I'm trying to be,
you know, cos it's Christmas,

so I'm trying to be a bit calmer,

but I get just drawn
into the silliest arguments.

I had a row with them recently
in the supermarket.

I was bombing around,
filling up the basket,

getting all the gear

and my daughter said to me, "No,
Mum, we don't like pasta shells.

"We only like pasta bows."
LAUGHTER

I'm like, "It's the same,
it's the same!

"All of the pastas are the same!"
LAUGHTER

"The bows, the pipes,
the shells and the twists."

LAUGHTER

"You don't give a toss about a shape
when it's chocolate, do ya?"

LAUGHTER

You've been lovely,
thank you so much. See you soon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Earlier this year,
singer and songwriter Emeli Sande

released her latest hit album
Real Life.

One of the songs from the album
written by Emeli

is particularly personal.

Research suggests that every year,
one in four of us

will experience
a mental health problem.

It's also become more recognised

that music can create a positive
impact on our mental well-being.

One such choir from Manchester
have embraced this idea

and are helping change people's
lives through singing.

So, tonight, hoping to share
the message that you are not alone,

please welcome Emeli Sande
and the Bee Vocal Choir.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: 'You Are Not Alone'
by Emeli Sande

# Are you sick and tired
Of being lied to?

# Getting kinda bored
Of being ignored?

# Can't find the tribe
That you belong to?

# My friend, you are not alone

# Are you tired of begging
For some answers?

# Are you scared you won't
Make it out alive?

# Does it make you sick
When truth is censored?

# My friend, you are not alone

# You are not alone here
Don't fear

# You are not alone here
No way

# There's plenty more of us here
Yeah, yeah

# My friend, you are not alone

# Are you tired of working
For the minimum?

# Has your heart adjusted
To the dark?

# Does it make you sick
They kill the innocent?

# My friend, you are not alone

# Are you dreaming of
A brighter future?

# Somewhere that children
Can be free

# Will you risk it all
To tell the truth?

# Yes, my friend, you are not alone

# You are not alone here
Don't fear

# You are not alone here
No way

# There's plenty more of us here
Yeah, yeah

# My friend, you are not alone

# Are you tired of feeling
So invisible?

# Are you tired of silencing
Your voice?

# Do you still have hope
That peace is possible?

# My friend, you are not alone

# You are not alone here
Don't fear

# You are not alone here
No way

# There's plenty more of us here
Yeah, yeah

# My friend, you are not alone

# You are not alone here
Don't fear

# You are not alone here
No way

# There's plenty more of us here
Yeah, yeah

# My friends, you are not alone. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Up next,

'spectacular performances
from the cast of Mary Poppins

'and Britain's Got Talent winner
Colin Thackery.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a huge pleasure to introduce
one of our most beloved musicals,

which has recently opened to
rave reviews back in the West End.

This magical multi-award-winning
production

tells the story
of the world's favourite nanny.

With a special supercalifragilistic
performance,

please welcome Zizi Strallen,
Charlie Stemp, Petula Clark

and the cast of Mary Poppins!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DRUMROLL

SONG: 'Chim Chim Cher-ee'

# Chim chimney, chim chimney
Chim chim cher-oo

# I does what I likes
And I likes what I do... #

Today I'm a screever.

# And as you can see

# A screever's an artist
Of highest degree

# And it's all me own work
From me own memory. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Stay right where you are.

Oh, I'd know
that silhouette anywhere!

Mary Poppins.

It's nice to see you, Bert.

Well, I must say, you do look swell.

How does he know you?
He can't know you.

You've only just arrived.

I wasn't born one minute

before I walked into your house,
Michael Banks.

Have you met these two, Bert?

I've seen 'em running about,
chasing a kite.

It isn't a real kite!

Oh, so what are you up to?

I thought we could play
our next game.

What game?
A visit to Saint Paul's.

That's not a game.

If she says it's a game,
she's got someone in mind,

you can be certain of that.

Best foot forward, spit-spot.

APPLAUSE

SONG: 'Feed The Birds'

# Feed the birds

# Tuppence a bag

# Tuppence, tuppence
Tuppence a bag... #

Feed the birds, sir.

There's that horrible old woman.

Don't point.

And for your information,
she is not in the least horrible.

But she's just a bundle of rags.

When will you learn to look past
what you see?

# Early each day
To the steps of Saint Paul's

# The little old bird woman comes

# In her own special way
To the people she calls.

# Come, buy my bags full of crumbs

# Come, feed the little birds
Show them you care

# And you'll be glad if you do

# Their young ones are hungry
Their nests are so bare

# All it takes is tuppence from you

# Feed the birds

# Tuppence a bag

# Tuppence, tuppence

# Tuppence a bag.

# Feed the birds
That's what she cries

# While overhead
Her birds fill the skies... #

FLAPPING

What are you doing?
I'm going to give her my sixpence.

What a waste!
That's a matter of opinion.

Here.
One bag, please.

Save your sixpence.

# All around the cathedral

# The saints and apostles

# Look down as she sells her wares.

BOTH: # Although you can't see them
You know they are smiling

# Each time someone shows
That he cares

# Though her words
Are simple and few

# Listen, listen
She's calling to you

# Feed the birds
Tuppence a bird

# Tuppence, tuppence

# Tuppence a bird... #

Oh, go on.

MARY CLEARS THROAT

# Tuppence... #

Tuppence?

# Tuppence a bird. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BARKING

Isn't that Miss Lark's dog,
Willoughby?

BARKING

Willoughby!
Oh, won't you be a darling?

It's all right.

Mummy's here.

You know, sometimes you'd almost
think he could talk.

GROWLING

Now, that's enough of that!

Bert, can Willoughby really talk?

Of course he can.

It's getting him to stop
that's the problem.

Now come along, I can't stand here
all day talking shop.

Talking shop?
What a silly expression.

There's nothing silly about it
in the least.

What do you buy in a talking shop?

Conversations, of course.

But there's no such thing
as a talking shop.

Remember, anything can happen
if you let it.

That's it!

Good day to you, Mrs Corry.

Well, well, well,
if it isn't Mary Poppins!

SHOPPERS: Ooh!

With Jane and Michael Banks.

SHOPPERS GROAN

Now, Mary Poppins,
what can I do for you?

Well, I did want an ounce
of conversation.

CHEERING

I'm out of conversations,
and I'm right out of words too,

but I do have some letters
and a little bit of backchat!

SHOPPERS: Ooh!

An ounce, you say?

That'll be 15 letters.

Go on, take your pick.

Jane, you can choose seven.

I've got a D, G, R, Q, C, L and I.

They're know good, you can't
make a conversation out of them.

Michael, your turn, seven more.

A, F, S, E, T, O and P.

And I'll choose an X.

GASPING

Now, what words can we make?

Well, I see "dog" and "cat".

Rautoplex, that's nine!

Lapitoferus, that's 11.
Nearly there.

Those don't count, you made them up.

And where do you think words
come from in the first place?

Somebody had to make them up.

Hmm...

You know, you can always use
the same letter more than once.

GASPING

Now, let me see.

Supercali... fragilistic...

expialidocious!

CHEERING

That's not a word!

Of course it's a word.

And unless I'm very much mistaken,

I think it's going to prove
a rather useful one.

# When trying to express oneself
It's frankly quite absurd

# To leaf through lengthy lexicons
To find the perfect word

# A little spontaneity
Keeps conversation keen

# You need to find a way to say
Precisely what you mean

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

# Even though the sound of it
Is something quite atrocious

# If you say it loud enough
You'll always sound precocious

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

# Um-diddle-iddle
Iddle-um-diddle-ay... #

But it doesn't mean anything.

It can mean exactly
what you want it to.

# Iddle-um-diddle-ay

# When Stone Age men were chatting
Simply grunting would suffice.

# Though if they heard this word

# They might have used it
Once or twice!

# I'm sure Egyptian pharaohs
Would have grasped it in a jiff

# Then every single pyramid
Would bear this hieroglyph

# Oh!

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

# Say it and wild animals
Will not seem so ferocious!

# Add some further flourishes
It's so ro-co-co-coscious!

# Ah-ah-ah.
Ah-ah-ah.

# Ah-ah-argh!

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

# Um-diddle-iddle

# Iddle-um-diddle-ay
Um-diddle-iddle

# Iddle-um-diddle-ay

# The Druids could have carved it
On their mighty monoliths!

# The ancient Greeks, I'm certain
Would have used it in their midst!

# I'm sure the Roman Empire
Only entered the abyss

# Because those Latin scholars
Never had a word like this!

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

# If you say it softly
The effect can be hypnotious!

# Check your breath before you speak
In case it's halitocious!

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

# Um-diddle-iddle
Iddle-um-diddle-ay

# Um-diddle-iddle
Iddle-um-diddle-ayyy... #

You know you can say it backwards,

which is
Suoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus!

She may be tricky,
but she's bloody good!

GASPING

# So when the cat
Has got your tongue

# There's no need for dismay!

# Just summon up this word
And then you've got a lot to say!

# Pick out those 18 consonants
And 16 vowels as well

# And put them in an order
Which is very hard to spell... #

MARY CLEARS THROAT

S. S.

U. U.

P. P.
E. E.

# R.

# R.

# C-A-L-I-F.

# F.

# R-A-G-I-L.

# L.

# I-S-T-I-C-E-X-P-I-A-L-I-D...

BOTH: ..O-C-I-O-U-S...

CHEERING
Clever clogs!

SIGHING

# S-U-P-E-R
C-A-L-I-F...

# R-A-G-I-L
I-S-T-I-C...

# E-X-P-I-A-L-I-D-O-C-I-O-U-S!

# S-U-P-E-R
C-A-L-I-F...

# R-A-G-I-L
I-S-T-I-C...

# E-X-P-I-A-L-I-D-O-C-I-O-U-S!

# S-U-P-E-R C-A-L-I-F
R-A-G-I-L I-S-T-I-C...

E-X-P-I-A-L-I-D-O-C-I-O-U-S... #

Argh!

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

# Even though the sound of it
Is something quite atrocious!

# If you say it loud enough
You'll always sound precocious

# Supercalifragilistic... #

JANE AND MICHAEL:
# Supercalifragilistic...

# Supercalifragilisticexpiali...

# ..docious! #

# Supercalifragilistic...
expialidocious! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our next performer is a man
who became a star earlier this year

at the tender age of 89.

Having joined the Army at 15,

this Chelsea Pensioner went on
to serve his country for 25 years

in the 45th Regiment
of the Royal Artillery.

Skip forward nearly 50 years later,

and after initially entering
Britain's Got Talent as a dare,

his moving performances

went on to win over the hearts
of the entire country.

With a very special performance,
please give the warmest of welcomes

to this year's
Britain's Got Talent winner,

the inspirational Colin Thackery.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SONG: 'I Vow To Thee,
My Country'

# I vow to thee, my country

# All earthly things above

# Entire and whole and perfect

# The service of my love

# The love that asks no question

# The love that stands the test

# That lays upon the altar

# The dearest and the best

# The love that never falters

# The love that pays the price

# The love that makes undaunted

# The final sacrifice

# And there's another country

# I've heard of long ago

# Most dear to them that love her

# Most great to them that know

# We may not count her armies

# We may not see her king

# Her fortress is a faithful heart

# Her pride is suffering

# And soul by soul and silently

# Her shining bounds increase

# And her ways
Are ways of gentleness

# And all her paths are peace. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Please welcome back to the stage,
Romesh Ranganathan.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Your Royal Highnesses,

I'm sure that you're used to being
recognised at international events

by delegates, etc...

I recently got recognised at
Chessington World Of Adventures.

LAUGHTER

And I got recognised,
I was on one of those slow rides

that goes across
the top of the park.

I got recognised from the ground.

This family said,

"Excuse me, excuse me,
can we get a photo?

"Can we get a photo
when you come down?"

I said of course, because
I'm a legend, man of the people.

I get off the ride,
I go up to the family.

As I'm walking up to the family,

the mum of the family
turns to her husband and goes,

"It's not him."

LAUGHTER

And then I walk up to the family and
they just stand there staring at me

like I'm the one that wants
the photo with them!

I said to them,
"Are we gonna, erm...

"Are we gonna...
are we gonna do this photo?"

The dad said, "Oh, no, you're not
who we thought you were."

I said, "Who did you think I was?"

He said, "Romesh."

I said, "Yeah, I'm Romesh."

He just went, "Nah!"

LAUGHTER

I had to show them ID...

LAUGHTER
..to get in this photo.

Listen, I take... we take
the kids away quite a lot.

We, er, we alternate
between Butlin's and Center Parcs.

That's our family flex.

I don't know if you've been
to either of those places,

but Butlin's has got a lot more...
WHISTLING

Thank you very much.

Whistling cos you've heard
a word you recognise.

Well done, good for you.

Erm, any Center Parcs fans in?

CHEERING

Any Butlin's fans in?

CHEERING
Ooh, nice.

If you've been to Center Parcs
you will know, right,

you have to book your accommodation.

Then you've gotta book
the activities

that you want your kids to do.

And the activities cost
so much money.

They cost shedloads of money.

And I'm looking at these activities
and I'm thinking,

"I don't know what my kids
wanna do in a few months' time."

I don't know what they wanna do
later on today. Right?

Shall I ask them?
Shall I get their help?

Shall I see what they wanna do?

And I look at one of my sons,
and he's put his finger up his bum

and he's asking his brother
to smell it. So...

LAUGHTER

So...

..I don't think he can tell me

whether I should book archery
in June.

I-I-I don't think he's got it
in his locker.

HE LAUGHS

I mean, I did the Royal Variety
Performance a few years ago,

and I spoke very honestly
about my children during that set,

and I assumed that people knew
I was just a comedian

and I'm messing about.

But, no, it turns out
people took me seriously.

Because I'll be out and about
with my family,

just trying to enjoy an afternoon
with my wife and children.

And someone will come up to us
and go,

"Which one's the moron, then?
Is it this one?

"Is it this one?
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

"You little moron,
what's he crying for?"

And that...

LAUGHTER

..is very offensive, all right?

Because...

it's that one.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

'Still ahead,

'incredible performances
from The Kanneh-Masons

'plus Robbie Williams
and Jamie Cullum.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Having made their Royal Variety
debut in 2015

with The Play That Goes Wrong,

Mischief Theatre have gone on to
enjoy phenomenal global success.

The Play That Goes Wrong,

that sounds like a nightmare,
doesn't it?

Keep going wrong and that.

No, it's supposed to go wrong.

What, the play?

Yeah, it's a play that goes wrong.
Why do you want that?

Because it's fun...

it's part of the show
that it goes wrong.

But don't they do previews
where they work it out,

and any mistakes,
they iron out for the run?

No, they're not supposed
to iron out mistakes.

The whole thing
is supposed to go wrong.

So, how do you know
if it's gone well?

LAUGHTER

When it's gone really wrong,
I guess, a bit like this link.

OK.

All right, so tonight ahead of...

That "tonight" was too big,
wasn't it?

THEY LAUGH

That's like the beginning
of the evening!

BOTH: Tonight!

Right, come on, do your gag.

When's it out, then, Rob?

This is the link that goes wrong.

Oh, yeah, yeah, go on.

They're lovin' it!

Tonight, ahead of the opening at the
Lowry Theatre in Salford next year,

they're back with an extract
from their latest comedy

following a group of six-year-olds

through school,
adolescence and adulthood.

So, please give it up for the cast
of Grown Ups.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

XYLOPHONE MELODY CHIMES

TEACHER: 'Settle down, please.

'Now, this week, Year Two yellow
group have been working very hard

'on some presentations
about their weekends.

'Good morning, yellow group.'

ALL: Good morning, Miss Murray,
good morning, everyone.

What we did on the weekend.

Hello, my name is Moon.

What did you do
at the weekend, Moon?

My name's Moon, and my parents live
at the office.

LAUGHTER

This weekend,

they came to visit me where I live
with my au pair Francesca.

She says I'm an enfant terrible.

On Saturday, we went to see
the dressage with the horses.

Two of the horses are mine.

LAUGHTER

I'm a horse!

Horses don't wear capes!

I'm a clothes horse.

LAUGHTER

Daddy says I have to go
to state school

to learn to be equal with the poor.

Mummy says it's called
a state school

because it's a right state!

My daddy says Moon's mummy
is a right state,

but he still would.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And that was my weekend.

Hello, my name is Archie.

ALL: What did you do
at the weekend, Archie?

This weekend I played dressing up.

My favourite costume...

HE GRUNTS EXCITEDLY

..is Mummy's bras.

LAUGHTER

I'm Archie's dad,
Mr Patterson.

"What's all this disgrace?"

I'm Archie's mum.

"What's all this shouting, Ronald?

"I'm trying to do my aerobics."

My daddy says Archie's mummy
is a bit past it,

but he still would.

LAUGHTER

And that was my weekend.

Hello, my name is Spencer.

ALL: What did you do
at the weekend, Spencer?

This weekend... I did a poo.

And it was massive!

And it was stinky,

and it was in the corridor!

LAUGHTER

And even though my mummy said
I'd let myself down,

I was still proud anyway.

And I showed it to my daddy,

and he said that even though
he shouldn't be, he was impressed.

LAUGHTER

Spencer has to go for extra classes
on Saturdays, because he is naughty.

Miss Murray is teaching me
our boundaries.

For example, to play with
our class hamster,

you must not stroke
our class hamster like this.

LAUGHTER

If you stroke him like this
he could die.

My uncle died of stroke.

LAUGHTER

That wasn't me!

And that was my weekend.

WEAKLY: Hello...

Simon!

Hello, my name is Simon.

ALL: What did you do
at the weekend, Simon?!

LAUGHTER

This weekend...

..I had nits.

LAUGHTER

And that was my weekend.

Hello, my name is Katie.

ALL: What did you do at the weekend,
Katie?

Hi, I'm Katie, and this Saturday,

my mummy put my spelling test
on the fridge

because I got ten out of ten.

I always get ten out of ten.

And then my mummy went out.

This place is a madhouse.

I need a drink.

I'm Katie's dad.

It's only 11!

Don't I know it? Slam.

And then the cleaner, Pam,
came to visit.

Katie, you must stay downstairs,

because Pam and I
need to clean the bedroom.

Yes, Daddy.

When Pam and Daddy
clean the bedroom,

they are very loud...

because they cannot decide
who should have the mop.

Give it to me, Reg.

LAUGHTER

You want it?
Oh, yes, give it to me.

LAUGHTER
You want it?

Oh, yes, give it to me.

Yes.
Give it to me harder.

LAUGHTER

Take it, you kinky horse.

You're so much dirtier than my wife.

I'm filthy.

That's it, put it there!

Right there! Right there!

Yeah?
Oh, yes. Faster! Faster! Faster!

Like this?
Oh, God! Don't stop!

Don't stop!

What about in here?

No, not in there!
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Never in there!

Only on your birthday.

LAUGHTER

My daddy's better at cleaning
than Pam.

And he always wins,

cos he always finishes first.

LAUGHTER

But this weekend,
my mummy came home early

and she saw how clean the room was.

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

I can't believe what I'm seeing

in our bedroom!

No, it's not what it looks like,
Gail! Please, listen!

I don't give
two flying naughty words

what you have to say.

Get that scrubber out of our house!

Get out!
LAUGHTER

I don't know how much more of this
I can take.

Where are my pills?
You don't need those pills.

What do you naughty word know?

You naughty word, naughty word head!

LAUGHTER

ALL: And that was our weekend!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Currently receiving
standing ovations

at London's Phoenix Theatre,

this next musical
tells the true story

of 7,000 air passengers
who were grounded in Canada

in the hours and days
that followed 9/11.

When a small Newfoundland community
opened their arms

to these travellers,
a truly inspiring journey begins.

Please welcome the cast of

the Tony and Olivier award-winning
Come From Away!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

# On the north-east tip
Of North America

# On an island called Newfoundland
There's an airport

# It used to be one of
The biggest airports in the world

# And next to it
Is a town called Gander

# Welcome to the Rock
If you come from away

# You'll probably understand
About a half of what we say

# They say no man's an island
But an island makes a man

# Especially when one comes from
One like Newfoundland

# Welcome to the Rock

# I'm an islander, I am an islander
I'm an islander, I am an Islander

# I'm an islander, I am an islander
I'm an islander, I am an islander

MUSIC CONTINUES

# Farewell to all you pretty ladies
Waving from the dock

# Heave away, me jollies, heave away

# And if we do return to you
We'll make your cradles rock

# Heave away, me jolly boys,
We're all bound away

# Farewell, you Newfoundlander boys
You're leaving us alone

# Heave away, me jollies, heave away

# And if you find another
We've got lovers of our own

# Heave away, me jolly boys
We're all bound away

# American Airlines

# Have the prettiest planes

# So I applied as a flight engineer

# But the World War Two pilots
They all complained

# They said girls
Shouldn't be in the cockpit

# Hey, lady, hey, baby, hey
Why don't you grab us a drink

# And the flight attendants
Weren't my friends back then

# And they said

# Are you better than us
Do you think

# But I kept getting higher

# And the World War Two crew
They retired

# And the girls all thought
Much higher of me

# 1986, the first female
American captain in history

# Suddenly, I'm in the cockpit

# Suddenly, I got my wings

# Suddenly, all of those pilots
Protested me

# Well, they can get
Their own drinks

# Ha-ha

# Suddenly, there's no-one singing
Stick round here

# Look at them passing by

# Suddenly, there's not
An in-between me and the sky

# On the north-east tip
Of North America

# On an island called Newfoundland
There's an airport

# And next to it
Is a town called Gander

# Tonight, we honour what was lost

# But we also commemorate
What we found

# We are here

# At the start of a moment

# On the edge of the world

# Where the river meets the sea

# Here on the edge of the Atlantic

# On an island in between

# There and here

# I'm an islander, I am an islander
I'm an islander, I am an Islander

# I'm an islander, I am an islander

# I'm an islander, I am an Islander

# I'm an islander, I am an islander
I'm an islander, I am an Islander

# Welcome to the fog
Welcome to the trees

# A kiss and a cod
And whatever's in between

# To the one's who have left
You're never truly gone

# Our candle's in the window
And the candle's always on

# To the coves and the caves
And the people from the planes

# Five days
# 19 animals

# And 7,000 strays

# When the sun is setting
And it's darker than the north

# If you're hoping for a harbour
Then you'll find an open door

# In the winter from the water
To whatever's in the waves

# To the ones who have
Come from away, we say

# Welcome to the, welcome to the
Welcome to the, welcome to the

# Welcome to the, welcome to the
Welcome to the rock! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Well, look who we found.

It's only Shanthi Ranganathan,
everyone!

APPLAUSE

So, Mum, er,
are you enjoying the night so far?

I'm having a brilliant time.
It's fantastic. I love it.

Aw, that's great.
Thank you.

How are we doing? All right?
You're doing...

really, really well.

LAUGHTER
Really well.

Yeah, I'm enjoying it.

OK. There's somebody over this side,
as well.

Yeah, but you are reasonably OK,

I can't say that you are brilliant.

What do you mean? What do you mean?

You can improve a bit.

LAUGHTER

OK.
Yeah.

Don't you think he looks great,
though?

He looks smart and... you know?

He told me that he had
a personal trainer... OK.

..and nothing has changed,
you still look the same.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, let's just move on.

Well, thank you so much
for coming along tonight, Mum.

It's great for my self-esteem.
You're welcome.

In one of the most important nights
of my career. Yeah.

Er, our career.
Yeah, sure. Now...

..from my family to one
who do enjoy working together...

Last year,
the nation was captivated by

classical cellist
Sheku Kanneh-Mason's

spellbinding performance
of Apres un Reve

right here on
the Royal Variety stage.

It turns out, Sheku isn't the only
gifted member of the family.

Joining forces with six siblings,

Isata, Braimah, Konya, Jeneba,
Aminata and Mariatu,

to perform Czardas by Monti,
please welcome

the supremely talented
Kanneh-Masons.

APPLAUSE

INSTRUMENTS PLAY

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Coming up,
the sensational Harry Connick Jr.

'And a show-stopping finale.'

APPLAUSE

Our next two
award-winning performers

have played to sold-out audiences
all around the world,

including America,
Australia and the UK.

They're also about to embark on
another nationwide tour next year.

They're the rising stars
of musical comedy,

who also happen to be sisters.

Making their Royal Variety debut
here tonight,

and their family must
be incredibly proud,

please welcome Flo & Joan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Thank you so much
for having us here this evening.

We are Flo & Joan.
Yeah.

We are sisters.
Yeah.

We have the same mum and dad.
Mm-hm.

One of the questions
that we get asked the most is,

"Are you really real sisters?"

Lots of people's would say,

"Because you don't look the same,
are you sure you're real sisters?"

So we've written them a song.

MELODY PLAYS
# Yes. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah. We've been doing this
for a while,

which means that we have to spend
a lot of our time together,

whether we want to or not.

Erm...

But even despite this,

we went on holiday together
recently to Disneyland,

which was amazing
because we're two adult women

doing very well,
and we're very happy, thank you.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, it was so cool.

We got there and we were staying in
one of their hotels.

And the hotel guy, like,
took us up to our room and was like,

"We've put you
in the Little Mermaid Suite.

We were like, "That's amazing.
That's the best film."

And he opened the door,
and in the middle of the room,

there was middle a massive
double bed shaped like a clown.

We were like, "Oh,
we think there's been a mistake.

"We booked two single beds.
We're single clown girls, here..."

"..we don't want this." He was like,

"No, no, no, it's OK.
We've upgraded you.

"Congratulations,
Ms and Ms Dempsey."

We were like, "Oh... Mm...

"No, er... that's not... Oh, no.

"No, we're sisters."
And he was like,

"It's OK, you can love who you love
in Disneyland."

LAUGHTER

"We agree,
we're very much on board with that.

"Thank you for saying it out loud,

"but we're not married,
we don't do that stuff."

And he was like,
"OK, I won't tell Jafar."

And he closed the door and he left.
LAUGHTER

And we were kind of a bit miffed
that he refused to believe us,

given that he lives in a world where
he thinks his boss is a giant mouse.

LAUGHTER

But he thinks that we're lying
to ourselves about sharing parents,

so we came home
and we wrote this song.

MUSIC PLAYS

# When my true truths
Are called into question

# Because facts
Are now more a suggestion

# It can leave me down
In every single thing I know

# But one thing I know
Is I know myself

# My brain belongs to me
And nobody else

# So I remind myself of what I know
To be true

# And what I do know... is

# Needy people work in Lush... #

LAUGHTER

# I know that needier people
Buy stuff from Lush... #

LAUGHTER

# I know my mind is a place
I don't wanna be in

# I know that Banksy's my dad
Cos I never see him

# Yeah, you can run your mouth
And you can disagree

# But I know what I know
And it's true to me

# And I know
That those who can't do, teach

# And those who can't teach

# Go back to their old school
To teach... #

LAUGHTER

# And I believe that
A person's value

# Shouldn't be placed on class
And wealth

# And I don't believe in legends
Except myself

# And I believe that I see ghosts
When I sleep at night

# And I believe they'll come a day

# When we'll pronounce
Prosciutto right... #

It's a prosciutto.

ITALIAN ACCENT:
It's prosciuttio-tey-up.

LAUGHTER

It's ham.

# And I believe in things
Made of angel wings

# And I believe in miracles
You sexy thing

# And I believe that
Albus Dumbledore

# And Engelbert Humperdinck
Should get married

# And call themselves
Alberg And Engelbore Dumpledink

LAUGHTER

# I believe in Father Christmas
I believe in the Tooth Fairy

# I believe in fairy tales
Because reality is scary

# I don't believe cats
I don't believe Children

# I don't believe the news
I do believe women

# And I believe that
Mickey and Minnie

# Are in a loveless marriage
And their theme parks are a scam

LAUGHTER

# I know that people who shop in
The M&M store are bad in bed

# I know that every time you lick
The back of a stamp

# The Queen has to wash her head

# I know a few things
I believe even less

# I'm certain of almost nothing

# Except that now we've performed
On the Royal Variety

# Our mum can finally be proud

# Of Mary Poppins

# You can run your mouth
And you can disagree

# But I know what I know
And it's true to me

# And I know that knowledge is power
And power can be bought

# And so can a seven-night stay

# In a double clown bed
With your sister. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Selling over 28 million albums,
our next performer is among

the most celebrated jazz magicians
of his generation.

He sings, composes and acts.

A genuine triple threat.

Making his Royal Variety debut,

with a title track from
his latest album,

True Love:
A Celebration Of Cole Porter,

it's Harry Connick Jr!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

PIANO PLAYS

Hi, everybody. How are you?

APPLAUSE

# I give to you

# And you give to me

# True love

# True love

# So on and on

# It will always be

# True love

# True love

# For you and I have

# A guardian angel

# On high, with nothing to do

# But to give to you

# And to give to me

# Love forever true

# For you and I

# Have a guardian angel

# On high, with nothing to do

# But to give to you

# And to give to me

# Love forever

# True. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'After the break,

'Robbie Williams and Jamie Callum.'

APPLAUSE

Thank you. We are almost at the end
of the show,

and it has genuinely been an honour
to host such an incredible night.

Let's not forget a huge thank you
to all of our performers tonight,

who have given their time for free
for this very special charity.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with tonight's show
being hosted by a brand-new, fresh,

exciting double act...

We're not a double act.

Romesh, we are.

Whether you like it or not.

We're a double act.
LAUGHTER

You have to deal with it.
It's our new life now.

So,
what better way to close the show

than with another dynamic duo?

From his first ever Christmas album,
The Christmas Present,

please welcome back one
of the UK's biggest solo artists,

and our most successful
jazz singer ever...

With Merry Christmas, Everybody,

please give it up for
Robbie Williams and Jamie Callum!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLING

MUSIC PLAYS

# Are you hanging up your stockings
On the wall

# It's the time that every Santa
Has a ball

# Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer

# Does he turn up on his sleigh

# Do the fairies keep him sober
For the day

# So, here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# Are you waiting for the family
To arrive

# Are you sure you've got the room
To spare inside

# Does your granny always tell you

# The old songs are the best? #

She does.

# Then she's up and rock an' rolling
With the rest

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# So, what will your daddy do

# When he sees your momma
Kissing Santa Claus

# Ah-ah-ah. Ah-ah-ah

# Are you hanging up your stockings
On the wall

# Are you hoping that the snow
Will start to fall

# Do you ride on down the hillside

# In a buggy you have made

# When you land upon your head
Then you've been slayed

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun... #

Take it away, Jamie!

# So, here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# So, here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun. #

Merry Christmas, mate.

Merry Christmas, Robbie.

Merry Christmas to you all.

Abi Titmuss and a Julie Goodyear.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLING

MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLING

'As the cast take their final bows,

'the Royal Party
make their way to the stage.

'Tonight's event has provided
The Royal Variety Charity

'with funds to help those
from the world of entertainment

'in need of care and assistance.

'Among those the Royal Party
are introduced to...

'comedian Kerry Godliman...

'..the Bee Vocal Choir...

'the cast of Grown Ups...

'Emile Sande...

'..Luke Evans,
who made his Royal Variety debut...

'The Kanneh-Mason family...

'Jamie Cullum and Robbie Williams,

'and the hosts from tonight's show,
who share a special memento.

'From all of us here
at The Palladium, good night.'