The Romantics (2010) - full transcript

That's Laura's car.

- Laura!
- You lost?

- Hi, sweetie!
- Yeah. How do I get back to New York?

- Hey. Still driving the booger.
- Don't move. I'm getting in.

- Nice car, sweetie.
- Sweetheart...

- Trip... no, no.
- It's OK, I got it.

I got it, I got it.

Don't fall!

Hi, mama!

Oh, my God!
Had to get out of there.

Desperate situation.
All right. Truth.



Have I gotten obese?
Tell me the truth.

- Are we gonna start that already?
- Just tell me the truth.

- You can't lie for shit.
- You look revolting, head to toe.

Good. 'Cause you've never
looked worse in your life.

Oh, babe.

Trip.

You always know what to say.

I think this occasion
calls for a drink.

Yeah. Yeah, a couple.

- Go. Go.
- Wanna race?

I'll race you.

Tom, man.
The guy just keeps winning.

Honey, you didn't do so bad.

Sweetie... Sweetie, the day we met
was the best day of my life.



It was nighttime, honey.

It was 2:00am, September 20th, 1999
is what it was.

I believe we were
at the Yankee Doodle.

And I asked if I could
borrow your ketchup.

And I saw that you already
had a bottle on your table.

I know. It was a bold-faced lie,
but I was desperate to meet you.

When are you ladies
gonna get married already?

- October?
- May... be October.

Maybe October.

- You're here!
- We're here!

Finally!

How's my hair?

- Revolting.
- Makeup?

- Trashy.
- Clothes?

Tacky choice.

- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.

All right, all right, all right,
we'll have enough time tonight

to kiss your butt
at the rehearsal dinner.

- Lo.
- Li.

- Weez.
- Trip.

Lila.

Lila.

Lila Hayes is...

not my friend.

Lila Hayes is my sister.

Lila and I have shared many things:

Rooms, clothes,
study notes, boyfriends...

Lila Hayes is...

the luckiest girl in the world.

She has...

beauty, intelligence,
a killer backhand,

boobs I would kill for.

She's graced with all of these things.

And she's brought us
all here tonight...

to celebrate...

her greatest accomplishment...

love.

Trip, I'm standing right here.

It's perfume.

Can you just try not
to spray it in my nose?

I am so screwed for my toast.
I haven't written a thing.

You always say that and
then you give the best one.

You have an unfair advantage,
Miss Published Writer.

But, tonight you've got competition.

Your signature rhyming ode?

Damn right.
Guaranteed to bring down the house.

Nice.

Hey, you OK?

Why does everyone
keep asking me that?

Can I borrow...?

Yeah, I wonder why people
keep asking you that.

I'm sorry. It was just...

- a really long drive.
- Cut the bullshit, Lo.

When was the last time you saw him?

- Saw who?
- Tom.

When was the last time you saw Tom?

- I don't know.
- You don't know?

- You dated the man for four years.
- Five.

- Five.
- But you guys have stayed close.

Yeah, we are. I mean, we were.

Well, when?

Honestly, I don't remember.

- Before he proposed?
- Around then, I guess.

You guess?

Fine, it was the day before.

That's sweet.
He called to tell you first?

No.

- But you spoke with him?
- Yeah.

- Trip, just back off.
- So you knew before Lila?

- Actually, he didn't mention it.
- He didn't mention it?

So when did you hear?

When Lila called to ask me
to be her maid of honor.

And then?

And then... nothing.

Nothing?

No. We haven't spoken since.

Sweetie...

Guys, I'm fine. Really.

Really. I couldn't be happier for them.

OK.

Thank you.

Let's go, ladies.

- There you are!
- Hey.

- Well, are you coming?
- It's just...

Well? You know I can't
do this without you.

Of course I'm coming.

OK.

Guys, we all look good.

- Oh, shit! Shit! Look!
- What?

- You know what? I have something...
- Just take them off.

- I can't take them off.
- Yes, you can. Just take them off.

I've got red nail polish.

It might work, it might work...

- Let's see...
- You don't even notice it.

It's kind of sexy.
It looks fine. Yeah, yeah.

- It's totally fine.
- It looks great.

They're just gonna see
your pretty little face.

Oh, and I need to know
if this is funny.

I'm gonna say to Lila,
"It's your last chance to have Pete."

- That's really funny.
- Yeah.

Wow. OK, you guys don't get it.
That's cool.

I'll just find something else.
Not a big deal.

- That was amazing.
- Not yet, buddy.

- What's up, dude?
- All right. Ladies and gentlemen,

sorry to interrupt,
but cocktails beckon us tonight.

Lila, Tom.
Let's do this quickly, shall we,

so that we can toast
this fantastic pair.

Chip! You nearly took me down.

I knew it.
I still make you weak at the knees.

All right.
We will do one walk-through

- of the wedding procession.
- Nice bow-tie.

Now, members of the wedding party,
I need you to break into pairs.

Husbands will go with wives,
fiancйs with fiancйes...

And Laura, you'll go with Chip.

Flower girls go before Lila,
who will go with her father.

Minnow, you will
lead the processional.

And, Tom, you'll stand
with Reverend Bartlett.

OK.

I'm gonna...
I'll probably just... I'll...

- Everybody got it? Good.
- This whole thing rests on you.

- OK...
- Wait, what's happening?

- The whole thing hinges on you.
- Dude, I have no idea what she just...

I don't...

It's kind of intimidating.

I think we're at the back.

I believe we go last.

I think you guys should go...

- Tonight's the night.
- And what night is that?

The night you finally fall for me.

- I wouldn't hold your breath.
- Oh, I will.

What happened to all
your little girlfriends?

They're mere bodies,
laying a path to you.

Sorry, guys.

God, it's like a bar mitzvah
in there. Did you see that room?

You should just have
a "bring your own bottle..."

I'm sorry.

- You look stunning, sweetheart.
- Thank you, Mom.

Now if we could
just find your groom.

- That's funny, isn't it?
- What's funny?

I don't know, just the way
he's standing there like that.

What's funny about it?

OK, maybe funny is the wrong
word, but... strange. It's...

It is a little strange,
don't you think?

What about it is strange?

The way he's staring out to sea
like a lovesick sailor.

- He's a groom. Grooms get nervous.
- Of course.

Mother, please don't.

- You know what I think.
- Yes, I know what you think.

And... perhaps you'll
permit me to say it.

I know you will, regardless.

He has to love you more, Lila.

More than what?

More than whom?

More than you love him.

That's the only way marriage works.

Leave him alone.

How's Augusta?

She'll be fine
after a couple of cocktails.

Tom McDevon is quite a catch.

Summa graduate,
championship swimmer,

PhD candidate in English,

rather easy on the eyes.

So let's raise our glasses
to two perfect catches:

Perfect catch, perfect match.

- There goes the bloodline.
- That's enough for you.

When Tommy told me he was
marrying the lovely Lila,

I said... "Tommy boy, you're
one lucky son of a bitch!"

And I said, "You know",

attraction is a very important
ingredient in any relationship."

Sure, folks can talk all they
want about love and loyalty

and all that other shit,
but the important thing is...

if she doesn't
make your wiener hard...

forget it! Forget it all!

What are you doing?
What are you doing? No, I...

Let's face it.

My sister is perfect.

Everyone here knows it.

If you're a chick, you've spent
your life fighting the urge

to kill her in her sleep.

If you're a guy, you've spent your life
trying to sleep with her.

- Admit it, Jake. Admit it.
- You admit it.

Don't worry, Weesie,
he never got anywhere.

Mom...

Dad.

I know it's been hard
to embrace the new in-laws.

But don't worry.

We only have to spend Christmas
and Thanksgiving with them...

every year for the rest of our lives.

Wait... do Irish people

celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah?

"The lovely Lila sat on a wall."

When she saw Tom McDevon,
her heart had a fall.

He rode in on his horse
and picked up the pieces.

"Until that day,
she had felt like feces."

As everybody knows, Tom is
unmatched in the swimming pool.

As everyone also knows,
Tom is unmatched on the tennis court.

But I don't think enough is said

about what a truly kind
and generous man Tom really is.

Many of you may not know this,
but I was only point two seconds

behind Tom McDevon
in the breast stroke,

our personal favorite stroke.

"Athletic and smart,
kind and charming,

Tom McDevon was
one disarming... dude."

So I was like, "Jake, where's Tom?"
He's like, "I don't know."

And I was like, "Pete, where's Tom?"
He's like, "I don't know."

And we were just like...
But nobody knew where he was.

And I still maintain that
he put rufies in my Gatorade...

and touched me
inappropriately under the water.

That was me.

- That was you?
- Such a good story.

I love that one, so...
But, OK, so one more...

Here's to that lucky lady,
here's to Tom.

I love you both, and...

"And should that egg meet
a sperm and turn into a baby,

count on me as a sitter.
I will always say, 'maybe'."

Cheers.

Lila...

is...

graced with beauty and...

intelligence and...

determination.

Lila and I were roommates in college.

I was from the Midwest,
she was from the East Coast.

My first memory is...

we were both on Old Campus

in line for our college IDs
and freshmen...

And all of a sudden,
this stranger comes up to me and says:

"You know we're gonna have these IDs
for the rest of the year, right?"

And, I said, "Yes." And she goes,
"Well, didn't you bring your makeup?"

So, when she painted me up
with Lancome's best, I...

I knew we were gonna be...

good friends.

And, yet, it was touch and go at first,

but we realized that our differences

made us stronger, you know? We...

We got the nickname "La-la"
because we loved each other.

And we loved our friends.

Our friends got the nickname,
"The Romantics."

Because of our
incestuous dating history.

We were just...

in love with each other.

Because that's what friends do.
They...

they fall in love with each other.

And...

then they fall out of love and...

they fall back in love and
this happens over and over again

for the rest of their lives.

The fact that Tom and Laura...

The fact that...

Tom and Lila found each other is...

exceptional because they're both...

exceptional people.

And I wish them all
of the joy in the world.

To their glittering future.

Hear, hear. Glittering future.

Did I seem nervous?

No.

No.

- You were great.
- You were really... great.

Wait! Lila!

You didn't think you could
escape that easy, did ya?

Come on, Lila,
just stay for one more drink.

No, I need hours,
maybe days of silence.

Boring.

But, I'll see you guys
at midnight, right?

Remember?

You guys said
you'd come tuck me in?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah...

- Remind the others, OK?
- OK.

See ya at midnight.

Hey, do you have any of those,
like, tropical umbrellas...

I can put in...?

For like a...

Oh, are you kidding me?

It's free, it's open...

- It's open bar.
- Nothing's free.

Hey!

Hey, come back here!

Come back here, you kids!

Oh, my God!

Movement to go skinny dipping!

- Would you stop it?
- You always do that!

I guarantee he wants to see one more
piece of ass before his wedding day!

I think he got his fill
at the bachelor party!

OK, yeah, yeah. That's right.

I spent half the night trying to pull
your ass out of the champagne room.

Yeah, no... Explain that to her!

Tell me right now,
do I need to divorce my husband?

- You're a pussy.
- Sadly, no.

No, none of the strippers
would have him.

God knows I tried.

You dirty rat!

Get outta here!

You got my suit all wet!

He can't run for shit!

Come on, guys.

Hey.

I liked your speech.

- Thank you.
- I did. It was good.

You were a little nervous,
but it was good.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Look, I'm sorry.

It's OK. It was necessary.

Yeah, it was for the best.

You know what?

It was easier than
I thought it was gonna be.

Really?

Really, because I thought it was...
I thought it was harder than I...

It was harder than
I thought it was gonna be.

So you miss me?

Not for a second.

Mom?

It's me.

Hi.

Something wrong?

Just nervous, I guess.

What are you nervous about?

You know... nothing.

Everything.

I'm nervous Mom's gonna
go psycho after the wedding.

You know how she gets
when she finishes a project,

all up in your grill and shit.

"Up in your grill and shit?"

I just don't want the attention,
I guess.

I think you'll be spared.

What about you? Are you nervous?

I'm terrified.

You are?

- Yep. To the bone.
- About what?

I'm not sure...

Tom can...

I'm...

I'm not sure Tom...
I'm not sure Tom is...

Not sure Tom is what?

I'm... I'm just not...

sure.

Does he make you feel beautiful?

Yes.

- Does he make you feel safe?
- Most of the time.

- Does he make you feel special?
- Don't be a dork.

You know...

like you're his
most interesting person.

Yes, yes. He does.

You know what?
This is... this is dumb.

Let's just forget it.

OK, OK, OK, OK!

- OK, OK.
- I say we vote on

who had the best toast of the night.

- And I'm gonna say... me.
- No!

- What?!
- Me.

Chip won. And Grandpa McDevon
came in second.

Oh, my God, that was amazing.

All right, guys. I'm going in.

- Do it! Who's coming with me?
- Yeah!

It's freezing, baby.

- Yeah?
- Go masturbate in your room, Chip.

Oh, come on. Have some respect!
This is our host.

Keep your clothes on. You big slut.

Hey, Tom, you didn't
make a speech tonight.

Yeah, dude, you've
been suspiciously quiet.

- Are you scared of Augusta?
- No, I was just having too much fun

watching you guys
make asses of yourself.

Yeah.

Well, how about giving one now?

Yeah!

- Speech, speech...
- All right.

I'll give you a speech.

All right!
I'll give a speech. OK...

- This better not suck.
- I'm gonna get on my stage over here.

Right here. OK... All right.

You want a speech?
I'll give you a speech.

- Speech!
- Let's hear it!

- All right!
- Make it good!

Don't be boring.

As I gaze at this assembly
of friends and family

on this momentous occasion,
only one thing comes to mind...

- We are all so messed up.
- Hey!

- Speak for yourself!
- I'm awesome!

OK, OK, OK...
Let me start this again.

We are all so...

uninspired.

Uninspired. We're so blind
to the tiny, beautiful things.

I saw Jake's tiny beautiful thing.

No, I'm talking about
the tiny beautiful things

that make life worth living.

Right? Like you, Weesie.

- Weesie?
- The way you were walking across

the grass before the rehearsal.
It was beautiful.

Or how about Chip, after his toast?

The way all the sound just
kind of fell out of the room,

and all you could hear
were forks on plates.

It was magical.

Or how about the sound as you're
driving up to the house here.

It's gravel, grass, ocean.

It's verse, verse, chorus.

Wordsworth! Shelley! McDevon!

McDevon!

The seven of us are friends.

No, the seven of us are family.

We're everything to each other.

Sister, brothers, mother...

nurse, shrink, opponent, rival.

We share a history,
and we share a goal...

to inspire and to be inspired.

That, my friends, that's imperative.

And without that...

Without that, we got nothing.

Slow clap.

- Where's the cane?
- All right!

- The man is drunk!
- Where's the cane?

Where's the gong?

Seriously, you guys,
thank you so much...

Thank you so much for coming.

That's all I got.
Sorry I've been such a freak tonight.

Oh, and by the way...

Where did he go?

- Guys, I'm really worried.
- Why are you worried?

Because he disappeared in the ocean.

He's probably passed out on the lawn,
freaking out about the wedding.

- Cold feet, anyone?
- Yeah?

I think we have a fugitive
on our hands.

Well, why don't we
go look for the guy?

Let's break into pairs,
canvass the neighborhood. Yes?

- Yes.
- I love it.

- Jake, I like the way you think.
- Get over here.

- All right.
- All right.

Chip and I have spent a lot
of quality time together.

- Come on.
- I know, I know.

Why don't we mix it up a bit.

We'll switch partners,
like a dinner party.

- A search party dinner party.
- OK.

- Dibs on Jake.
- Yes. You have such good taste.

- I know.
- Fine by me.

Weesie?

Come on, I'm not that bad.

- Come on.
- Wait, Lo, Lo, Lo.

We haven't even made the plan yet.

What area should we cover?

- Main house.
- We'll cover the main house.

- Perfect...
- Lo! Remember!

Ten of midnight, on the porch!

We promised Lila!

- What?
- It's your lucky night.

OK, so, wait. If you were Tom,
where would you be?

Doing my crunches. Yeah?

OK, yeah, but after
you do your crunches.

I'd do a thousand, but if I was done...

I'd probably be in Lila's bed.

- Yes?
- You know that's her room, right there.

- Want to take a last shot?
- Me?

Why don't you two lez out again,
how about that?

I would love to.

Yes.

I really stepped on a rock, hard.

You stepped on a rock?

- Yes.
- I like it in here. It's warm.

I love it in here.

- So, hey...
- Yeah?

- I saw your movie.
- What?

Yeah, I saw the torture one.
I saw it.

How? It never even got released.

I know. I downloaded it.

I spend a lot of time
on the Internet.

Yeah, I bet you do.

Wow, that is really embarrassing.

I don't think you
should be embarrassed.

I thought you were really good in it.
I... You had a really funny line

about not wanting to die a blond.
That was good.

- You did?
- Yeah.

- I came up with that line.
- Really?

- That's great.
- Speaking of great lines...

- Are you serious?
- Why? What? Yeah.

I don't know. Isn't that a little '80s?

Not when you mix it with Wellbutrin.

'Cause Wellbutrin is... Of course.

Of course.

So we're doing the guesthouse.

Yep.

- You trust him, right?
- Who? Jake? Of course.

Good.
'Cause I don't trust Tripler one bit.

Wow.

Hey, you ever think there was
something odd about the way.

Lila and Tom started dating?

- The way that they started dating?
- Yeah.

Remember? It was, like,
right after we came up here

for that long weekend.
Senior spring, remember?

I mean, don't you think it was
kind of odd? An odd coincidence?

Yeah, I don't even know
what you're talking about.

He asked her out like
three days after we got back.

- Three days. Three days.
- Three days, so?

So, never mind
that he was dating Laura.

The girls were roommates.

So then you think that
Tom started dating Lila

because he coveted
her parents' fortune?

OK. You just made that sound
like an episode of Dynasty.

- But that's what you're saying, right?
- No.

- I'm just noting the dates.
- You're an idiot.

I'm not an idiot. I'm just saying.

You're just saying something
really shitty about our friend.

I'm just saying that I think
Lila's lifestyle appealed to Tom

just like Lila's perfect tits
appeal to you.

Oh, I'm sure those
appeal to Tom as well.

- He's not here.
- No. Doesn't seem to be.

- Where do you think he is?
- That's a very good question.

That's one I need a drink to consider.

This must be really hard for you.

You drive halfway to the North Pole

to watch the love of your life

marry the bane of your existence.

And this is how they thank you?

Honestly, Chip, I'm not in the mood.

It's ironic. Asking you, of all
people, to convince the groom

to show up for this wedding.

I wish I could
be there for the reunion.

"Oh, Tom. I thought you were lost."

"Oh, Laura! I was! Until I found you."

Aren't you supposed to be wearing
some sort of ankle bracelet now?

That's funny!

No, they just made me
do some community service.

Ankle bracelet!

I'm gonna keep going and
see if he overshot the house.

Goodnight!

You're not worried?

Not at all. Wedding day jitters
is a universal affliction.

Did you freak out the night before
your wedding?

Yeah. I spent the night
before my wedding in a closet.

Of course, Tripler locked me in it.

- Darn.
- I hope Laura's OK.

- She's fine.
- Chip was kind of a nightmare.

No worse than usual.

And you don't think we should tell Lila?

Why worry her for no reason?

God, I could have sworn
I got another bottle.

God.

Where are you hiding from me?

Jackpot.

So when's the big date again?

We haven't quite figured that out yet.

- You excited?
- Very.

You scared?

No, I figure I know what I'm in for.

We've been together
for almost ten years.

Are we that old?

And besides, if you and Trip
are any indication,

married life is bliss.

You do have a sense of humor!

To your glittering future.

To your glittering future.

- To our glittering futures.
- To our... yeah.

To...

I'm already regretting this.

You're dancing on the coke.

You can never regret
the dancing. Ever.

- All right, how do you wanna dance?
- Show me your dance moves.

- Show me your dance moves.
- All right, well, it's a Kid 'N Play.

- Oh, my God!
- And that's the start,

- but there's more.
- I can't believe you can do that.

- I can do a lot of things.
- Do it again.

- I don't wanna do it again because...
- Just do it one more time.

- You won't be as impressed anymore.
- That is so cool.

I really, really loved it.

Hey, hey, hey, Laura!

I should go and let
everyone know that you're OK.

Laura, just come here
for a minute. Just come here.

- We've been really worried about you.
- Please, just...

Don't go.

Nobody knows that I'm out here.

Exactly.

Yeah, nobody knows
that you're out here.

What's your point?

I don't... maybe we can
just hang out for a minute.

Nobody's gonna know the difference.

Why are you here?

I don't know. Just thought that I would
swim halfway across the bay

at the chance
to be alone with you.

- You're so full of it.
- I'm totally serious.

So, you excited about tomorrow?

Yeah.

- What's your song?
- My song?

Your wedding song?
Your first dance at your wedding.

I don't know. Lila picked it.

Well, you're gonna have to
dance anyway. You realize this.

- And everyone will be watching.
- Yeah, well, I can hold my own.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Well, let's see it.
- Well...

You...

OK.

No.

- No?
- No.

Maybe you should show me.

You're gonna teach me something.

Come on.

So, what do I do?

Try not to step on her feet.

Yeah, might annoy Augusta a little bit.

And try not to let her lead too much.
You don't want to make it obvious.

OK.

I owe you an apology.

It's OK, let's not talk about it.

So, you...

You forgive me?

I wouldn't push your luck.

You know, a heads up
would've been nice.

You know, nothing...
Nothing major, just...

Just a quick email.
You know, "Hey, Laura."

I know I saw you last night

and countless others
over the last ten years,

and not excluding the four years
we dated in college

and the year that we got back together

to try again and the handful of times
that we've slept together since...

but you know that
Lila and I are together now.

And though I've struggled
endlessly with this predicament,

I think we both know the inevitable
here, so don't be surprised

"when she calls and asks you
to be her maid of honor."

Or, you know what?

This is another approach:
Less direct, but same effect.

"Hey, Laura.
Great seeing you last night."

Great movie, great meal,
great sex, but the problem is...

greatness makes me sick.

"I'll see you at the wedding."

You know, on the other hand, I mean...

Look, ten years of
a loving friendship and...

sporadic, incredible sex...

scattered with nights...

so fun, they explain the
evolutionary purpose of talking.

You know, not to mention
the time that we've clocked together.

Listening to music.
You know, driving with...

no destination.

I guess this, this...

beautiful mess is best ended
without notification.

Probably better.

I'm sorry.

Don't be. It was a gift.

An act of cowardice so complete,

disqualifies a person
from consideration.

I tried to do
what I thought was right, OK?

It's not like I came at this lightly.

- Oh, no.
- Laura.

You're the one that broke up with me.

Fuck you.

- Laura, we were seniors in college.
- Don't even start.

What did you want to do?

Get married at 21?

- What is this, 1950?
- No, it isn't.

We were too far apart.

I was busy trying
to finish my dissertation,

practically living in Widener Library.

You were doing God knows what
in New York City,

probably fending off
all your hipster boyfriends.

Oh, yeah. You know,
if you're gonna patronize me,

try to think of something
a little more original.

- We gave it a college try.
- Yeah, we did.

It was an accident of timing.

What? Let me guess.
Your proposal was an accident, too?

You got the wrong woman?

- Give me a freaking break.
- You know what?

What difference does it make?

Just stop talking.

Yeah, you know, I think that
would be a really good idea.

Come here. Listen to me.

I was a lifeguard in high school,
you remember that?

- Yeah, I remember.
- It was my favorite summer job.

You and every other guy in America.

I would sit in that chair itching,

itching to get out,
dying to get into the water.

And after eight hours,
my shift would end,

and I would make a break for it,

but as soon as I got into the water,
the strangest thing happened.

I would start to panic.

Ambivalence is a disease, you know.

- An actual mental illness.
- That's not funny.

Let me guess. When you were a kid,
you would order chocolate ice cream,

then immediately wished
you'd gotten vanilla?

- That's not what I'm talking about.
- No, I get it.

- You're torn between two women.
- What I'm trying to say is...

I'm afraid of the ocean.

I'll remember that the next time I...

I swim on your clock.

You think you have
some kind of a special gift

- for knowing what's in my heart, Laura?
- No!

No, I think we both do for each other.

Has it ever occurred to you
that I might need a woman like Lila?

- And what kind of woman is that?
- I don't know. Somebody happy.

- Meaning numb?
- Somebody practical.

- Meaning busy.
- Somebody confident.

- Meaning rich. Meaning frigid!
- Somebody stable.

Somebody who doesn't
tear other people down

- just to build herself back up.
- In other words, your polar opposite.

- Yeah. Yeah, maybe.
- Well, haven't you heard?

Opposites attract and then
they bore each other to death.

You know, boring is
better than maddening.

I'd rather die of excitement.

- Hey.
- What?

Hey, hey! Hey!

Do you remember that paper,
junior year?

Yeah. Of course.

The Hopeless Romantics:
Misconceptions of a Movement.

Yeah. Only you could start a
50-page paper the night before...

- And still get an A-minus.
- Because I wrote it.

You maybe wrote half of it.

Ode to a Nightingale:
A love song to inspiration.

The Romantics weren't
writing about love,

they were writing about religion.

Then I'm not sure
I know the difference.

"Forlorn.

The very word is like a bell tolling
me back from thee to my sole self."

What's the next line?

I can't remember.

Liar.

Anybody can make a big
romantic gesture, all right?

The question is:
What happens after?

Do you remember?

Do you remember
what you said to me that night?

- Yeah, I remember everything.
- So what'd you say?

- I said it was the perfect night.
- You said it was the perfect night.

- So?
- So? How do I top that?

- We had so much fun.
- We had so much fun.

So what's the problem with that?

The problem is, every time we
had one of these amazing nights,

I would wake up the next morning
in a freaking panic.

So why don't we just spare each other

a mundane life
of crushing disappointment,

and just do it with somebody else.

That is the weakest excuse
I have ever heard.

- Just say you're in love with Lila.
- Say what?

Want me to say
that I want to marry you?

That I'm gonna spend the next 50 years
regretting this very moment?

You inspired me.

You inspired me, too.

Then we were supposed to be together.

I know.

I'm gonna go and I'm gonna...
I'm gonna tell everyone that you're OK.

But I'm not.

- I'm not OK.
- You chose this.

No! No, you can't!

You're actually a lot of fun.

- Thanks?
- Yeah. No. Really.

- You're hilarious.
- Your surprise is disturbing.

Well, dude, you just
seem like a freaking...

about to have a nervous breakdown
half the time.

Take a shot.

I'm marrying Jake, for Chrissakes.

That's true.

- It just got hot in here.
- Wait, cheers me.

Cheers you.

Hey, this stuff is strong.
What did you say you put in it, again?

I just crushed up
some of my old Lithium.

- No.
- Just joking!

Hey, hey, hey! What was that?

- What?
- I heard something.

Right! OK, there's no Tom here.

- Yes, there's not.
- So, there goes your theory.

I still say he's in Lila's room.

- Why does everyone seem so happy?
- They're not.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, Laura's depressed,
pretending to be happy.

Yeah.

Weesie's a mess, she pretends
to have her shit together.

Pete is a screw-up,
pretending to be a success.

And what about you?

I'm, like, a miserable bastard
who's pretending to give a shit.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- You had me fooled.
- Well, good.

And what am I?

Well, at least you're honest.

- Laura? You're late!
- It's me.

- What are you doing here?
- We need to talk.

- Honey, I'm superstitious!
- Please, just let me in.

What's the matter?
Did something happen?

You're having a
pre-wedding panic attack?

Don't patronize me, OK?

- Lila, I love you.
- I love you, too.

Yeah, but why?

'Cause you're smart.
And charming and handsome.

And you make me feel safe and happy.

And, when I'm with you,

even the most tedious things
are fun and exciting.

And you're a very good kisser.

- Thank you.
- It's true.

Why do you love me?

That's the thing. I don't...

- I don't know.
- I'm sorry. What?

I'm so confused right now, I...

- You're not doing this now.
- Why not now?

- Isn't now better than later?
- OK.

I'll tell you why you love me.
Because you need me.

- We're so different.
- Yes, we are.

And when you're not behaving
like a total freak,

it's what makes us work.

- OK, you're patronizing me again.
- No, I'm not.

Why is emotion some kind of
a mental illness with you?

It is if you indulge in it all the time.

Don't you think I want to freak out?

Don't you think I want to lose my shit?

Why do you get to be the one
that drinks too much,

that says scandalous things,
that has wild mood swings?

Has it ever occurred to you

that those are freedoms
afforded to you by me?

Has it ever occurred to you that
my emotions are just as intense?

I just work harder to control them.

But why? You don't have to.
I wish that you would lose it more.

Who? Who should I lose it to?
My mom? My brother? You?

Take a look around you, Tom.
Somebody's gotta keep their cool.

I just... I need you to hold it
together for another 12 hours.

- Can you do that for me?
- Yeah, I think so.

OK.

Now go find Pete and Jake

and have a good talk before
you cause us any more bad luck.

OK.

William, wake up. I'm in a panic.

What's wrong?

It's going to rain.

- Augusta, come on.
- William, will you wake up?

I'm up.

Who do you think helped
sculpt the ice penis...

I did. I did. I...

- Get out of town.
- I designed it.

Listen, the wildest thing
that you've ever done...

I designed it.

Is roll down your window
on the drive up here.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Is that a challenge?
- And what if it is?

I'll race you to the front porch.

We're talking fully dressed?

Fuck that. Buck naked.

- Weesie. I like this.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Let's do it.
- It's a new you.

- Now we're talking.
- Take it off.

You know, I haven't done anything
worthwhile since I was 18.

What'd you do when you were 18?

Cheated on my SATs and got into Yale.

Yeah, I was headed for greatness.

- Now I'm just headed for a breakdown.
- Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah. No, now is where you say,

"You know what, Trip?
You're a great actress."

And I say, "You know what?
Your novel is gonna change the world."

Oh, yeah? You know what, Trip?
Great actress.

And your novel is gonna...

We don't really have to do this.

Yeah, let's not.

Funny idea, though.

You're not getting off that easy.

I'm alive!

- Oh, shit, let go. Let's get out.
- What? Wait!

Minnow?

No, no, no, no.

- Minnow!
- Look what I did, accidentally.

OK, OK, calm down. Calm down.

She's probably gonna come up here
in the morning.

I'm thinking.

OK. OK. OK.
This is what we're gonna do.

OK.

You're gonna count to 100.
I'm gonna go downstairs.

And when you hear me
go into Lila's room,

you're gonna make a break for it.

And we are gonna
deal with this tomorrow.

Start counting.

One, two, three...

- Laura, Trip, you're late!
- Just me.

- You said you'd be here at midnight.
- Yeah, I know.

We're druggie loser assholes.
I'm so sorry.

Where is everyone?

We all had so much to drink,
I doubt anyone's still standing.

Dude!

I just... I guess we'll never get
your alternative lifestyle, dude.

- What's up, dude?
- What's up, man?

Hey, you want a sweater
or something?

I ain't a for-real cowboy,
but I am one hell of a stud.

Here you go, sir.

Hey, is this cashmere?

I'm so sorry.

It's fine.

Where's Laura?

God, I don't know where she is.

Actually, I saw her go
into the house about an hour ago.

So she said she was going to sleep.

What is up with the toga situation?

Don't ask.

What? It's...

- I couldn't find my...
- Dress?

It's... How are you?

- Any luck?
- No. You?

- No.
- This is bad.

I'm sure Chip and Laura
found him by now.

Yeah, if they're even still together.

Lila's gonna kill us.

We should tell her.

No, we should not tell her
'cause she's gonna freak out.

That would be an appropriate response,
don't you think?

Why are you trying to cover your butt?

I'm not trying to cover my butt.
I did nothing wrong.

You guys, you guys,
just give him a few more hours.

There's no point in getting Lila
worked up if we can avoid it.

Exactly my point.

All right. Everybody in favor
of telling Lila?

No.

Everybody in favor of not telling Lila.

Fine. Let's just wait until it's light.

- OK.
- OK.

- All right.
- OK.

"Forlorn."

The very word is like a bell
tolling me back from thee

to my sole self. Adieu.

The fancy cannot cheat so well
as she is famed to do, deceiving elf.

Adieu, adieu, thy plaintive anthem
fades past the near meadows,

over the still stream, up the hillside

and now 'tis buried deep
in the next valley glades.

Was it a vision or a waking dream?

"Fled is that music.
Do I wake or do I sleep?"

Look, there's Lo.

- Hey.
- Have you seen him?

Us, either.
We're gonna tell Lila right now.

- Wait.
- What is it? Where were you last night?

- Where were you last night?
- Oh, my God. You were with him.

- Trip, leave her alone.
- No, she was.

Why do you think that?

We don't have time for this
right now. Let's go.

Come on.

Minnow!

Look what she did.

Oh, darling, that's...

That's... We have enough time.
It can be fixed.

Really. This will be fine.
I can fix this.

Lila, don't. Don't!

She didn't...
Lila, she didn't mean it! God!

You're so dead!

Stop!

Li, there's something
we need to tell you.

What is it?

- Tom's missing.
- Last night...

No, he's not.

- I saw Tom last night.
- Are you kidding me? That's great!

- Where is he now?
- There he is!

- Hey!
- I looked there.

You didn't look hard enough.

- Are you ready?
- Yeah.

Big swim you went for.

Oh, no, it's bad luck
for you to see each other

- before the wedding.
- Weesie, shut up.

I'm gonna go get ready.

- I am, too.
- OK.

Lila? Honey?

Hey.

Hey.

- You good?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Got your lucky tie there?

I don't know.

You having some trouble
tying the knot there, buddy?

I'll be here all night.

- You might wanna shave.
- Shit, I forgot to shave too. OK.

What do you guys think of the hair?

There?

- Or...
- Or there?

Choose a side.

Where have you been?
I'm gonna need help with my zipper.

- How's my makeup?
- Revolting.

- And the hair?
- Trashy.

- You've seen my dress?
- Tacky choice.

Thank you. OK, perfect.

Oh, my God!

I'm getting married!

Minnow? Come on in!

You look beautiful.

Oh, shit. I left my bouquets downstairs.
Could someone go get them?

- I will.
- Thank you.

All right. Dress.

- I believe I need to get dressed.
- Yes, let's do that.

There you are. Thank goodness.

I was starting to think
you'd run off with those.

- Minnow?
- I'm sorry.

It's fine.
You were just in time.

No, not about the flowers.

I saw Tom last night.

That's nice. Did you two
get a chance to catch up?

I found him when he was missing.

Guess those years
as a Girl Scout paid off.

No, he wasn't lost. He was hiding.

I know all about his meltdown.

That's not what I mean.

Honey, you look so beautiful.

Girls, it's time to process.
Let's go.

What do you mean?

I mean, Tom wasn't alone last night.
He was with me.

We were together.

Why are you telling me this right now?
This doesn't concern me.

- It doesn't?
- Laura...

Trip, why don't we go...

He's a groom. I'd be concerned

if he wasn't a wreck
the night before his wedding.

If he was in love with someone else,
would that concern you?

Laura, this chapter is over.

- Li. I love him.
- Yes. And I feel sorry for you.

You know I have tried
to change these feelings.

I've done everything.

Other guys, other towns, other jobs.

And they say that it gets easier
with time, but it doesn't.

If anything, the more time passes,
the more I miss him.

Unrequited love is the
perfect romantic construct.

It allows two cowardly people
to act out a fantasy of love

without having to face
any real consequences.

Li, you know he feels
the same way.

He always has, and you know that.

- You are my maid of honor!
- Yeah.

And I have done everything I possibly
can to fulfill that obligation.

I thought that I could
get through this. I did.

But I can't, and he can't, either.

- He doesn't want this, either.
- You remember sophomore year?

The Lit Christmas party
when you wore my dress?

The red one I bought
especially for the event?

You took that, too, without asking.

And then when I went
to get ready for the event,

- my dress was missing.
- You know what?

I picked that dress out.
When we were on Chapel Street,

we saw it in the window of Nelly's,
and you remember I picked it out

and then you went back and you
bought it. I was the editor of Lit.

It was my night.
It was my occasion.

Or the time I got the apple tattoo and
then a week later you got the same one?

You saw me draw that in
19th Century Novel, OK?

And then, all of a sudden,
you show up

and you have it
branded on your tailbone.

Freshmen, sophomore,
every year of college,

when I provided you months
of meticulous notes

hours before the finals,
you feel entitled to my things...

- Mine, mine!
- Because you want them!

Yeah. Fine, you win, Lila.

You provided me with
the meticulous study notes.

But you know what?
I inspired your best ideas.

And when you got together with Tom,
senior spring, I was still dating him.

Why are you doing this
to me right now?

Because you're about to marry a man,
and I don't think you should.

You just can't bear to see me happy,

and so you have to
trash it with your emotions.

No, Li. You deserve to be with
someone who is in love with you,

totally and completely.

How dare you try to pass this off
as an act of friendship.

- This is sabotage.
- No, this takes courage.

Courage?! That's funny.

- I am not trying to hurt you.
- Yes, you are.

That is your intention.
This has nothing to do with Tom.

It's about me and you and your envy!

No.

You can't do this. You can't!
You can't bully me anymore.

Obviously, I am torn.

And as your friend,
I do want what is best for you.

But I can't keep putting you
ahead of me forever.

My God, you're delusional. You actually
believe you're entitled to my fiancй!

This is not a difficult
or complicated situation, Laura.

This is very simple.
I won and you're jealous.

Jealous?

No.

I pity you.

Your groom is in love
with another woman.

He asked me to marry him.

Not you.

All this is...

certainly tragic.

Debatably interesting,
but it really doesn't matter anymore,

because he's marrying me
in ten minutes.

Li, he cheated on you.

No.

You did.

Oh, my God! Can I move yet?

I'm sorry about last night.

I was out of line.

Yeah, you were.

Maybe I do need that ankle bracelet.

Seriously. I'm really sorry.

Thank you.

Love is like the ocean.
Vast, seemingly endless.

Rocky, at times.
Peaceful, at others.

Daunting for all
its unexplored depths,

but a constant source
of wonder and amazement.

Tom and Lila have written
their own vows,

in an expression of their creativity.

Lila...

Lila, when I...

Lila... When I look at you...

I'm speechless.

I literally have nothing to say.

You know, I...

If I...

Did you feel that?

What? No, I didn't.

Lila, words fail the depth and
complexity of my feelings for you.

I need canons of literature,

unwritten books,
an entirely new language.

But the thing is,
without words, I have nothing.

I have nothing.

You know, I... If I...

Maybe I should say it for you.

Get the dress!