The Ring of Death (1980) - full transcript
A tale of an underdog mistreated by his family, given kung fu instruction from an unlikely source, and redeemed when he comes back to take on foreign champions in a tournament staged before an imperial audience.
(fast, percussive, dramatic music)
(grains rustle)
- [Man] One white one, one black one.
Jesus Christ, where's my third?
- What are you on about?
- Nothing!
- Here, some new shoes.
Don't wear them out.
- Aunt, how come they're so heavy?
- They're just new, that's all, imbecile.
Work!
- All right.
- Wait.
Tell me what you do while you're out.
- I'm not still four, I know.
- What, four?
Four is your IQ!
- Be polite, take good
care, don't stop on the way,
don't take sweets from
strangers, never fight.
Isn't that right?
- Correct.
Go now.
I'll make a little treat for you
and have it ready for
you when you come home.
- You promise?
- [Woman] Mm hmm.
- [Man] All right, I'll be back soon!
(sedate, whistling music)
- What's up?
- He won't let you through
unless you pay him.
- What, I gotta get home.
That's not right.
(playful music)
(sneaking man grunts)
(sneaking man groans)
(sedate, playful music)
- [Pedestrian] Ah, Master Liu's here!
Show him, Master Liu!
You'll show him!
Go on, you kick him out.
- You damn old fool, what
the hell are you doing here?
(playful music)
You take care of him.
(men grunt)
(men groan)
(fists thunk)
(men grunt)
(exciting music)
(fists thud)
(Liu shouts)
(exciting music)
(men grunt)
- Bless your soul.
(people chattering)
- What's up?
- Hey, you asshole, you
just missed all the fun.
What a rip off.
No one can pass without paying.
That guy's on to a real winner.
- What a bummer.
My aunt gave me no money.
Hey, I just had a thought.
What if I was to beg him?
- You might just get lucky.
- Please, sir, I am broke,
but I still have to get over there.
Please, I have no money.
(chuckles) But I'm devoutly religious.
(people chattering)
Please, sir, I've gotta pass.
I'm taking some medicine
to a sick old monk.
Huh?
(boy groans)
(dramatic music)
Hey, he is only a kid.
You shouldn't hit him like that.
- Oh, so you'll do something?
I suppose you wanna fight me.
(people chattering)
- [Spectator] He's gonna take him on.
(people chattering)
(dramatic music)
(monk groans)
(people cheer)
(people whimper)
(exciting music)
- And why don't you fight back?
- But I cannot.
My aunt won't allow me to.
- What a pity.
(exciting music)
(man groans)
- Wait, if you go on just like that,
I might forget my aunt!
(monk chuckles)
(dramatic music)
(fist thunders)
(monk grunts)
(monk groans)
(dramatic music)
- [Spectator] Get outta here!
The troops will be here.
Get outta here.
- My God, you've killed him!
You better run!
Quickly, get outta here,
go on, quickly, hurry up!
(exciting, tense music)
- Aunt, Aunt!
Aunt!
- [Aunt] What is it?
- I just killed someone.
- Quickly.
I knew this would happen.
You idiot.
Why do you think I told you
never to get in a fight?
I've had this ready for you for some time.
Now, you must go and find
your father in the city.
- What?
- You've always asked
about him, your father.
There's a pendant.
Now, go quickly.
- Aunt, what about your promise?
- Oh, for God sakes, your father
will have plenty of treats for you.
Now get out of here!
(fast, busy music)
- Huh, hey, the old bastard!
- Go get him!
- Hold it!
- Hey, come back here!
You, hey, where's the money?
- Oh, it must've slipped my mind.
I just forgot. (chuckles)
- [Waiter] Now you remember?
- Mm, perfectly.
Oh, oh, I also forgot my money.
I'll just go home and get it.
- No, no!
- Like hell you will,
you dirty bastard!
- Please.
- [Waiter] You're not going anywhere until
you've given us that money.
- Hey, stop that.
Why don't you pick on
somebody your own age, huh?
- He's a thief.
- I'll pay them tomorrow,
but they couldn't wait.
- Hey, so then what the hell is wrong?
It's only money.
- [Waiter] You pay then!
- All right, I will.
(foreboding music)
Enough?
- More than enough.
- Thank you. (chuckles)
- My change!
Hey, why are you so stupid?
I didn't ask you to pay up.
- But I wanted to.
- (laughs) You are far
too kind for this world.
I will pay you back.
- But it's all right.
I just bought you a little drink.
Bye.
- Hey, have a good journey.
(people chattering)
- Hey, my friend, when did you get here?
- Who are you?
- You don't remember?
I'm the son of one of
your neighbors, Mr. Wong.
- Old Wong?
I don't know him.
- No Wongs?
Don't know any.
- No neighbors?
- Let me think.
Ah, you must be from the shit farm!
- Ah, never mind about
all those neighbors.
We're all from the same village, anyway.
I heard that you brought
a lot of money with you.
- Not much, enough.
- Good, it will be damned easy of you
to spend all of your money.
There are so many crooks.
You could get taken in.
But you're as clever as me,
you'll know how to make money from money.
- Make it?
- You know, in one month,
you can double your money.
- Double it?
- Ah, just hand it over.
- My aunt says greed buggers you up.
(chuckles) I'm sorry.
- Ah, you jerk-off, just give it to me!
(men grunt)
- (chuckles) You shouldn't grab.
(people shout)
(crook groans)
- Will you stop holding me?
You're breaking my back!
- I'm sorry.
- You dirty bastard!
You think I'm complete idiot?
(dramatic music)
(crook groans)
(crook shouts)
(exciting music)
- You're beaten.
(crook shouts)
(tense music)
- Oh my God! (shouts)
(weapons rattle)
(crook shouts)
- What?
What are you doing?
(crook shouts)
(exciting, tense music)
- Wow, mind my balls!
(exciting, tense music)
(crook screams)
You're breaking my goddamn neck! (screams)
(crook groans)
My foot, ah, shit!
- Rest of your shit also.
- [Crook] I'll never walk again! (groans)
(dramatic, percussive music)
- Ladies and gentlemen, we are honored
by the presence of the Russian ambassador.
(dramatic, percussive music)
- Want to introduce you to captains.
- [Captain] It's an honor to meet you.
- Your attention now, please,
gentlemen, for General Yao!
(dramatic gong music)
- [Crowd] General Yao.
- Please.
- China's greatest soldier General Yao,
and the Russian ambassador Mr. Solmanov.
- [Solmanov] A pleasure.
- You are a very great statesman.
Your reputation has traveled ahead of you,
and, today, in your honor, we
are holding a garden party.
Welcome to China.
- General Yao, may I
first please apologize
for taking up your time.
I know you're busy.
I am honored for this audience.
- It is nothing, the honor is mine.
These are my three sons.
Yao Man.
- A pleasure.
- [General Yao] Yao Woo.
Yao Che.
And the gentleman on the
end is their teacher,
renowned for his kung fu.
- [Teacher] A pleasure.
- Teacher, ah.
Then your three sons must be
very skillful at martial arts.
(men grunting)
(dramatic music)
- Where is he?
- He's waiting at the gates.
- Give it back to me!
- You can't go through there!
Stop it, come back here, you!
- And you better give it back to me!
- How dare you!
What are you doing?
- I'm after my dad!
- What, who the hell is he?
(sword rings)
(dramatic music)
- Yun Chung, your son is here.
- [Yun Chung] Eh?
- Ah, really, surely you can
recognize your own flesh and blood?
- Eh?
(Yun Chung chuckles)
Hello.
Don't stare, I am your father.
(men laugh)
- [Yao Che] I have a
hunch you're gonna get on.
- Yun Chung, why don't
you take your son and go?
- Huh?
- Go!
- Huh?
Ah, yes, yes, yes, let's go.
- [Soldier] Quickly!
(delicate music)
- Pop.
Pop!
- Yes, what is it?
- Pop, do you remember
Auntie that brought me up?
- I remember, how is she?
- Good!
She used to tell me, Pop,
your kung fu is really good.
Isn't it?
Can you teach me how?
- Look at me for a moment, will you?
I'm old.
Do I look like a kung fu man?
- Pop, then what do
you do for the General?
- I've been here for a long time.
After most of my life here,
I think of the place as home.
You are not half as old.
If you want to get on,
you must work very hard.
I suspect the General
will take a shine to you.
(comical music)
- Tai Chi is my life.
I'm an expert.
Turn around slowly and suddenly go for it!
Remember a man's most delicate
part is always his balls.
Once you have them, he is yours.
(Tai Chi man grunting)
Hey!
- Ah, morning!
- Come here, come on.
- What is it, sir?
- What is your name?
- (chuckles) I'm Ah Niu.
- Mm, Ah Niu?
Now you depend only on the General.
You have to work hard on his behalf.
There'll be no slacking!
- I know.
My father has told me.
- Hmm.
Well now, I want you to clean
up this whole courtyard.
- All right, but first I
gotta put the pails down.
- You won't!
Now you remember what I just told you
about the General, and away you go.
- That's a little unreasonable.
- Unreasonable?
Well, you may be right.
I'll show you how unreasonable.
(comical music)
- (chuckles) The pails are heavy.
(Tai Chi man grunts)
(comical music)
(Tai Chi man shouts)
(comical music)
(chuckles) It's all right.
Don't do it all, I'll help
you clear up the yard.
(Tai Chi man screams)
(comical music)
Uncle, that's the General's water.
(Tai Chi man shouts)
(comical music)
- Oh, I'm sorry, my little beauties!
I didn't mean to, oh,
forgive me, forgive me!
- Ooh!
(Tai Chi man chuckles)
(comical music)
(stick whooshes)
That was first strike.
- (chuckles) Ah Niu, there's
no need for you to worry.
There's no way I would've hurt myself.
No mark, see, no.
Go about your business, go on.
(comical music)
(bucket thuds)
(stick thuds)
(Ah Niu whimpers)
- You stop!
- Ah, old man, this young fool,
this damned village idiot, has been
trying to beat my face in.
- Father, he hit me first.
- Don't talk shit!
- Stop it!
Ay Yu-yu, don't you try to make trouble
for this good young man.
If you have something to say against him,
tell the General to throw him out.
- Hey, Yun Chung, don't you dare
try to use the General to threaten me!
- Let's go, come on.
- Oh, go on!
- Don't fight with
the likes of him,
let's go.
- Go, go, go!
Damn young fool!
One of these days, I'll get him back.
(soft, gentle music)
(men grunting)
- Boy, come out!
(Ah Niu chuckles)
Ah, it's only the country bumpkin.
Were you trying to copy me?
- But I wasn't.
I was passing through,
and I saw what you did,
and I think you're the best! (chuckles)
You really are excellent.
- Come over.
- Yes, sir.
(Yao Che whispers indistinctly)
Sir, what can I do?
- Get some tea.
- Yes, sir.
(busy music)
Your tea, sir.
(busy music)
- Here, over here!
- Yeah!
- Give me a rub!
(busy music)
- Over here!
Dry me.
- Right, right!
Just a moment.
- Quickly!
- [Ah Niu] Yes, sir.
But you're not sweating, sir.
(foot thunks)
(Ah Niu groans)
- What are you doing?
- Nothing!
(fist thunks)
(Ah Niu groans)
(Yao Woo laughs)
- [Ah Niu] Master, why'd you hit me?
- But I didn't, I was teaching you.
- Please, no more!
I'm going.
- You can't go while I'm teaching.
(playful music)
(arms whoosh)
- Get his heart!
(hand thunks)
(Ah Niu grunts)
- Your double fist!
(playful music)
(Ah Niu groans)
- Worship of the devil!
(Ah Niu groans)
- First the left, and then the right,
and then both together!
(Ah Niu groans)
(bones crack)
- Goddamn.
Now you've gone too far.
(chair clatters)
(feet thunk)
- I'm Tarzan in the jungle!
(Yao Che shouts)
(comical music)
I broke me goddamn back.
Oh, my back.
(comical music)
- Ah Niu.
- Yeah?
- Don't hide it.
Tell me who's beaten you.
- No one, I just fell down some stairs.
You see, I'm all right, I'm fine.
I'm okay.
- Okay, my ass.
- Hey, Pop, teach me some of your kung fu.
- What's that?
- Teach me kung fu.
- I told you before, I
don't know how to fight.
- And then I know you were the best.
You should teach me kung fu.
- (chuckles) To tell the
truth, I knew kung fu,
but that was a long time ago.
I was terribly wounded when I was young.
I became a hunchback, and
so I vowed never again.
Now I've forgotten it all.
- And General Yao, how good is he?
- Oh, good.
He has to be as a general.
He has the whole city to look after.
His kung fu's good.
- And his sons' kung fu, it's also good?
- Well, he wants his sons
perfect in all the arts
so he found them the very best teacher
in the whole of the country.
Their Master Yon has
a very highly inflated opinion of himself.
Be always on your guard or just keep away.
(shimmering music)
- [Ah Niu] General.
- Get up.
(delicate music)
Good to see you, are you well?
- I'm fine.
Thanks to you, I'm all right.
- Good to hear.
Is there anyone else in your family?
- There is my aunt, and she brought me up.
- And your mother?
- She's been dead a long time.
(mournful music)
- She's dead.
(mournful music)
- I understand that you
wished to see me quickly, sir.
- Master Yon, this is to be the year
of the great kung fu contest.
- Well, you go away!
- All right.
- Yes, General.
- As the province's general,
it's rather important
my sons do well in the competition.
They must come out on top.
- (laughs) Don't you worry, sir.
I shall ensure that
they do their very best.
(playful, light music)
(Ah Niu laughs)
(Yao Che grunts)
(weapon whooshes)
- Now go away.
Ah, so you wanna practice with me.
(weapons clang)
(men grunt)
Stay there or I could cut your snout off.
(weapon whooshes)
(Yao Che grunts)
(Ah Niu whimpers)
- Is there one missing?
- You really are an ignorant bastard.
You can't even count up to five.
(Ah Niu grunts)
Get up.
Get up.
That's right.
You really need a better tailor.
(Ah Niu grunts)
Right, left, or middle?
(weapon rings)
You really should learn
to dress yourself better!
(men grunt)
(weapon whooshes)
(tense music)
(Ah Niu shouts)
(dramatic music)
(hand smacks)
(Ah Niu groans)
(fists thunk)
(Ah Niu groans)
- You young scum, you think you have
a chance with people who really
know what they are doing?
(weapons clatter)
(Ah Niu moans)
Now, listen well, get out of my sight,
and the faster, the better.
(dramatic music)
(men laugh)
(emotional music)
(Ah Niu grunts)
(man chuckles)
(Ah Niu grunts)
- I never thought I'd see such a thing.
A tree.
(Ah Niu grunts)
(chuckles) I reckon you must've
had a pretty rough time.
Has someone been taking advantage?
Hey, that tree's not in the wrong.
If you want satisfaction, get
the one who's annoyed you.
- How the hell can I?
- Huh?
So it's you.
- You!
- Tell me, young friend, who's the one
who's upset you, and
I'll take care of him.
- Don't think you can help.
There's no point.
- (chuckles) Don't you be so sure of that.
Kung fu and drinking's what I'm good at.
- But how's that?
You couldn't teach me.
- Are you sure?
(Ah Niu grunts)
(gentle music)
(Ah Niu grunts)
Here's something I know.
(gentle music)
(Ah Niu grunts)
Another little trick.
(gentle music)
(old man chuckles)
Well, I rest my case.
What do you say?
(Ah Niu moans)
- You really can fight well.
- Well, I told you I did, didn't I?
Young man, I can trach you everything.
I am quite good, you know.
I will teach you all,
everything you need to know.
- Uh huh.
(old man chuckles)
(gentle music)
- I'm your new teacher,
that's your new home.
- Teacher, what's wrong?
- My wife is more violent
than either of us.
Often, she takes it into her
head she doesn't like me.
Says I'm an old bore.
She's good at kung fu, as well.
She's proud of herself,
she knows she's good.
And she's always arguing with me.
If I want you as my disciple,
hmm, she'll say that you're not right.
I don't think she's all there.
- Hey, if you hate her,
why not kick her out?
- Huh!
Watch your tongue.
If there's a divorce, then
who am I gonna argue with?
Ah, that makes sense.
(chickens cluck)
(bottle cracks)
(chickens squawk)
Hey, teacher!
Teacher, that was great!
(chickens cluck)
- Hey, say it's a present.
Say that it's a gift for her.
My dear, I've come back!
- Damn it, I've been waiting hours!
Where the hell have you been?
You think you're a?
Hey, who the hell's that?
- (chuckles) I'm gonna teach the lad.
He's my disciple.
- (chuckles) My lady.
- (laughs) How absolutely ridiculous.
You're gonna learn kung fu
off that old guy? (laughs)
- Hey, why do you start laughing
in front of my disciple?
- I do what the hell I want,
and you can keep your mouth shut.
- Darling!
(woman grunts)
Oh, no, don't do this in front of him.
He'll think I'm an old fart.
And you're just mad because
I have someone to teach.
You're jealous of me.
- Goddamn you!
- Ah Niu, you said you had
something for my darling.
- My lady, with respect.
- Ah, what a nice fellow.
(chicken clucks)
This is quite fat.
- My love, why don't we celebrate?
- [Wife] All in good time.
(Ah Niu and old man laugh)
- Well, sit down.
- Right.
(peaceful music)
- Ah, drumstick first.
(peaceful music)
Not bad.
(peaceful music)
(comical music)
- That looks quite familiar.
(comical music)
- Ah Niu, eat quickly!
When she's back, we're done for.
- One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, hmm,
one of them is gone.
Goddamn it, who stole my chicken?
(exciting music)
(table clatters)
- Why the hell did you have
to break all the furniture?
- I'll break your damn head!
(exciting music)
- [Old Man] But, God, we have to eat.
(exciting music)
- Let me go!
- Where would you be without me?
(wife grunts)
To hell with the chicken.
(Ah Niu groans)
(percussive music)
You've one thing to learn every month.
First, you'll learn about
the dragon in the sea.
It is a stylish creature,
so Dragon Fist kung fu is a
very stylish method of fighting.
Mark my words.
- Ah Niu, he makes it up as he goes along.
No use learning from him.
He's just an old man.
- Don't listen to her.
Now, you just follow what I'm doing.
(martial music)
- Your style's more like dancing
than anything I've ever
seen in my life before.
- Hey, keep your mouth shut.
(martial music)
- Cartwheels, my ass.
Looks like a dog having a fit.
(martial music)
- Madam, I'm very sorry.
I can't do it well.
- Ah Niu, let me tell you,
what that old fool is
teaching you, it's useless.
- Useless, but why?
- You doubt it, right?
Try me.
(hands smack)
Ah, so you have learned
something from him.
(hands smack)
You have the potential,
but you lack the technique.
(Ah Niu grunts)
(legs smack)
(AH Niu whimpers)
It's time you learn to fight well.
Well, now, I said he was no good.
You try, come on.
(fists smack)
(fighters grunt)
- Madam, you're the best, I'm no match.
- Get up, stop slacking off.
You've learned so little
from that old fool.
Ah Niu, you want me to
teach you something?
Ah, well, boy, you wanna learn?
- Of course!
But I'm afraid Master won't like it.
- Daytime, you can learn his way,
but, at night, learn from me.
He won't know a thing.
- All right.
(dramatic music)
- Both up front!
Reach for the stars.
(dramatic music)
Watch your left.
(dramatic music)
Now to the right.
(dramatic music)
To the front.
(dramatic music)
Down below.
(dramatic music)
Now from above.
(dramatic, rousing music)
- What sort of style's that?
Ah Niu, where the hell did you learn that?
Ah Niu!
(Ah Niu grunts)
Ah Niu, turn 'round and face me, boy.
Hmm, you're all washed up.
You've no stamina.
It's not my fault.
I wonder what it could be.
(dramatic, ominous music)
(Ah Niu grunting)
(tense music)
(Ah Niu grunting)
So it's that interfering old woman.
Ah Niu!
You damned, interfering old bitch!
How dare you have him out here
at all times of night when I'm trying
to teach him proper kung fu.
- What?
You ask him, he prefers it.
- Ah Niu, who do you want to learn from?
- I would-
- Ah Niu, he's not your teacher, I am!
- Ah.
- Ah Niu, I am the one
who brought you here.
- You're quite right.
- My kung fu is much better than his.
- Yeah.
- Mine is superior.
- Mine's the best!
- Mine!
- Mine!
- Mine!
- Mine!
- Mine's best!
- Mine!
(Ah Niu whimpers)
- [Old Man] Mine.
- Can't stand it.
- Ah Niu, Ah Niu, Ah Niu,
Ah Niu, Ah Niu, Ah Niu!
- Stupid woman, see?
Now you can see.
Look what you've done.
I didn't find my disciple for you.
- Shut up!
You won't have a disciple
unless I save him with my medicine.
- All right, whatever you
say, this boy is still mine.
I myself will make him well.
(piercing, whistling music)
- Open wide.
After you've taken all my medicine,
you'll be all right again.
(piercing, whistling music)
The old man's coming.
Quickly, now drink it all down.
(piercing, whistling music)
- Mustn't let her know.
(piercing, whistling music)
- Cold, so cold.
- Don't you worry.
Just get my remedy down your throat,
two hours later and you
will be as right as rain.
(Ah Niu whimpers)
Lucky you, you're to be the first one.
(AH Niu whimpers)
Huh?
(mysterious music)
"Eye of newt, the skin from frogs,
"lizard's testicles, the shit from a dog,
"cat's paw, stir in some poison," what?
Old woman, are you trying to kill him
with this goddamn poison.
- Ah, what the hell are you talking about?
I was given this by my teacher.
- Then it can't be that good.
Let me see.
- You'll try to steal it!
(tinkling music)
Up there.
- You bitch, you give that back!
- "Cut off an elephant's penis and boil
"it in some olive oil til it's done.
"Make sure not to come into
contact with the poison."
What?
And you wanna give this to Ah Niu?
You're the one who's trying to murder him!
- (chuckles) I have my book, as well.
My master gave it to me.
- I'm sure you have.
Let's see.
- You're off your skull.
This book contains fighting techniques,
as well as medicine.
I wouldn't let you see it.
- You don't even trust your wife.
(hands smack)
(fighters grunt)
(dramatic musical flourish)
- [Old Man And Wife] What?
"The Complete Works of Master Tang."
(dramatic music)
- But Master Tang was my teacher.
- He was my teacher before he was yours.
- [Wife] So he gave half
to me and half to you.
- And I'm sure he gave
the better half to me.
- You've only half his style!
No wonder that you never win.
- Hey, Ah Niu is the only
one who knows both of them.
- He's better than us.
- Teacher, I'm so hungry!
- Ah Niu, Ah Niu, you're better.
- You've recovered, oh, good!
We've both done it,
you have to admit that.
He wouldn't be well without us.
Thanks God he's well.
- Ah Niu has both our
styles, the whole book.
He is now the best.
- That's right!
(bright, exciting music)
- Now you are ready.
(bright, exciting music)
(Ah Yu-yu grunts)
(Ah Yu-yu shouts)
(Ah Yu-yu grunts)
- Where are you going?
- To my home.
- Oh, really?
Well, I think you have the wrong place.
This place isn't your home!
- It's the right place.
- It is the right place!
You young fool, you think that you
can come and go when you
like at your own leisure?
What do you think this place is, a hotel?
- Well, if you don't
know, how can I tell ya?
- I think you're up to something.
I haven't seen you for quite some time,
and now, suddenly, you
decide to come back?
- Hey, I'm not up to anything!
I just wanna come home!
- (laughs) Am I in your way?
Maybe you could get past if
you crawled on the ground.
- Me crawl?
And why should I do that?
- Listen, sonny, either you do
or I will have to force you to.
Well now, my boy, let's
see you on the ground then.
Don't mess around with me, boy!
- Hey, I wanna test something.
- (laughs) Get on the ground.
(Ah Niu chuckles)
Now get down.
- [Ah Niu] In a while.
- Don't force me to
fight with you, my boy.
(Ah Yu-yu whimpers)
- Are you sure you can fight?
(comical music)
- You have offended me!
(Ah Yu-yu whimpers)
- Uncle, there's no need to kneel.
- What?
I'm about to attack!
- Oh.
(Ah Yu-yu grunts)
Uncle, you wanna go to the can.
- My boy, this is my main attack position.
(Ah Yu-yu groans)
- Uncle, you shouldn't
attack the ground like that.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
- Goddamn it, you little bastard!
How dare you try to treat
a man like me like that!
(sword whooshes)
- What, you wanna chop me up?
(sword whooshes)
(men grunt)
(Ah Yu-yu screams)
(Ah Yu-yu giggles)
- I'm so brilliant, he missed me.
(comical music)
Huh, my little ball!
(sword whooshes)
Oh, my great speed saved me again.
(comical music)
(Ah Niu laughs)
Oh, my God.
(hands smack)
(men grunt)
See, I'm so good I got it
back with my bare hands.
- Baldy!
(sword whooshes)
(men grunt)
Right, left!
(sword whooshes)
Up, down, up, down, up, down,
up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down,
up, down, up, down. (laughs)
- You fooled me!
Now give up!
(Ah Yu-yu whimpers)
- Now you can't even jerk-off.
(dramatic music)
You want your toothpick?
(comical music)
(Ah Yu-yu whimpers)
- [Official Voiceover]
"General Yao, we have heard
"from the Russian ambassador Mr. Solmanov
"that he is to enter a man
"in this year's great kung fu contest.
"As you are doubtless aware,
"ambassadors from many
lands will be attending.
"Units under your command must take
"every precautionary
measure to ensure security
"for the greater good of the Ching.
"The Emperor."
- Master Yon, if the Emperor had written
to you in that way, you'd be worried.
(sighs) If there is trouble,
you know what will happen.
- Please, General, you must have faith.
Your three sons have improved.
Nothing will go wrong at the contest.
General, if I were you,
sir, I wouldn't worry.
I would be the proudest man alive.
- Ah, if you are so sure,
that is enough. (chuckles)
(weapon whooshes)
(mysterious music)
- He can't fight.
- Brother, he says we're useless!
- No way.
- You say that, you asshole?
You think you're better?
- Much better.
If you practiced more now, I'd fight you.
- I'd take you any day.
- Come on, get him.
- Move.
You can fight with me.
I can fight better.
- Oh, just for a while.
Hey, maybe I'll teach you first.
- Oh, you reckon you know how, teacher?
Brother, you show him a lesson.
- Now, teacher.
- Get ready.
(dramatic music)
(weapon whooshes)
(weapons ring)
(men grunt)
Well, someone's taking it seriously.
- Damn your ass, you've gone too far!
(Yao Woo shouts)
(weapons ring)
(men grunt)
- You're not very strong.
(weapons ring)
(men grunt)
Let go.
(Yao Woo groans)
(weapons ring)
(men grunt)
Fall and you're finished.
(fists thunk)
You're saying your prayers.
(hand smacks)
- You've stolen my kung fu!
- If I'd have stolen
it, I'd have been dead.
- You've really had it now, you bastard.
(weapons clack)
(men grunt)
You're dead!
(weapons clack)
(men grunt)
(Yao Che groans)
- You fell on your ass.
(Yao Che shouts)
- Damn it!
(weapons clack)
(men grunt)
- Stop!
(Ah Niu chuckles)
What, you're sweating.
(chuckles) I'll cool you down.
(weapons clack)
(men grunt)
- Oh, you missed me that time.
(comical music)
(Yao Che whimpers)
- [Ah Niu] Down they come!
(comical music)
(Yao Che groans)
- Oh, my birthmark!
- You want me to put it back?
- Older brother!
(Yao Man grunts)
(fists smack)
(men grunt)
(Ah Niu chuckles)
(Yao Man shouts)
(fists smack)
(men grunt)
- Be still or I'll break ya.
(exciting music)
(kick thunders)
(Yao Woo groans)
- Yun Chung, are you insane?
Why did you teach Ah Niu kung fu?
- General, I never taught him.
- Well, how come he knows then?
- [Yun Chung] We don't know, sir.
- You dare to lie?
You tell me, who else
would've taught him, huh?
You know damn well my sons
are entering the contest.
Now, one of them's hurt.
God knows what came over you.
For God's sake, why did you teach him?
- [Yun Chung] General, you
know that 29 years ago,
I swore not to get involved
in kung fu anymore.
I have not done so.
- God alone knows what you're up to.
- General, why won't you believe me?
I've served you for so long.
I don't care if you believe me.
But, sir, I remind you,
Ah Niu is your son.
(dramatic music)
- Damn it, you keep that quiet.
- Ah Niu is your own flesh and blood,
and yet he is treated
like shit in your home.
Your other three sons
have been beating him up.
Everyone treats him like dirt.
Because you're a general,
you can't have people knowing that.
But Ah Niu, he's a good boy.
He hasn't even a mother,
and now he hasn't a father.
- Shut up!
Yun Chung, you remember who is who.
He is not my son, and never was!
Now, listen, you get going, just get lost!
(sweeping, emotional music)
(Ah Niu grunts)
- [Officer Voiceover] "My dear ambassador.
"I have received an important
intelligence from the capital.
"The Russian ambassador
Solmanov has managed
"to engage the services of an
extremely competent fighter,
"one who is unmatched in his own country.
"Solmanov is seeking to gain victory
"in the coming kung fu contest,
"to improve Russia's
reputation amongst the Ching.
"We cannot, of course,
allow this to happen.
"I am sending you a
man of consummate skill
"to enrich our own
efforts in this direction.
"I trust you will realize
"the full importance of his mission."
- At your service, sir.
(swaying music)
- [Official] The fighter
brought here by the Russian
is from Asia Minor.
He has a bad reputation.
He's just good enough
to frighten the Chinese.
Do you think you can beat him?
- He won't stand a chance.
I'll make sure that I kill him.
(Ah Niu weeps)
Why is he like that?
I can't stand it!
- Don't worry about him.
- I hate men crying, it's a weakness.
Don't worry.
For God's sake, grow up! (grunts)
You bastard, you've made me lose face.
You're dead!
(limbs thunk)
(men grunt)
(sword rings)
(sword whooshes)
(tense music)
(sword whooshes)
(men grunt)
(sword clatters)
(men grunt)
(tense music)
- Hold it.
Look what you've done to him.
I've got no one to fight with the Russian.
What can I do?
- He started it, wasn't my fault.
(percussive music)
- You, I didn't realize
you were so skilled.
Damn him.
He started it. (chuckles)
Hey, come with me.
Hey, there's something worth fighting for.
It's a contest.
You could fight for me, if you want.
- Where will it be held?
- Oh, at the palace.
You'll meet everyone, even
the Emperor, if you win.
- Is the General going?
- Of course.
His sons will be there.
- I'll fight with them.
(shimmering music)
- He is not my son, and never was!
Now get going!
(dramatic music)
(sons laughing)
(dramatic music)
- Good, I will go.
(dramatic, martial music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the Emperor is now with us!
(dramatic, martial music)
Long live the Emperor!
(dramatic music)
- [People] Long live the Emperor!
(dramatic music)
- Tell them to sit.
- Gentlemen, take your places now.
The Emperor grants an audience
for the Russian ambassador.
- Your Majesty, your country
is known as a beautiful place.
The skill of your people
is well known abroad.
I have brought along with me a fighter
from Asia Minor for your contest.
I look forward to a friendly match.
- General.
- Sir.
- Who is representing us?
- They're all ready.
(tense music)
(man chuckles)
(fighter grunts)
(fighter thuds)
(alcohol patters)
(fighter screams)
(spectators gasp)
(Solmanov laughs)
- Disgraceful!
- Please, Your Majesty,
my son is well prepared to fight him.
He will not be beaten.
Please, have confidence.
(Solmanov grunts)
(dramatic music)
(tense music)
(men grunt)
(Yao Man groans)
(exciting music)
(Yao Man shouts)
(spectators gasp)
(dramatic music)
(fighter laughs)
(dramatic music)
- [Spectators] Look at him, look at him!
(spectators laugh)
- That's disgraceful!
- [Officers] Sir!
- Someone must stop him.
(spectators laugh)
- Your Majesty knows this Russian fighter
is only capable of using
cheap tricks in battle.
His fighting is hopeless
against one who is properly trained.
I happen to have such a fighter.
I would like to suggest
that he is more than capable
of handling the man who
so rudely insulted us all.
- Uncle.
- Sir.
- The Emperor has decided
to allow the Japanese
to pit his fighter against
the Russian barbarian.
- [Japanese Ambassador] Thank you, sir.
(tense music)
(Russian fighter laughs)
(tense music)
(percussive, exciting music)
(Ah Niu grunts)
(limbs smack)
(men grunt)
- Come along.
(fists smack)
(men grunt)
You a lady?
- Asshole!
(fists smack)
(men grunt)
- You're finished.
(spectators clap)
To the great Emperor!
(spectators clap)
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
(Ah Niu grunts)
- [Spectators] Hey!
(fists smack)
(men grunt)
(sword whooshes)
(dramatic music)
- First the top, now back and sides.
- Bastard!
(sword whooshes)
(Ah Niu grunts)
Help!
(sword rings)
(tense music)
(sword rings)
- Quickly, quickly!
(exciting music)
Throw him a sword.
(exciting music)
- Coming up.
(swords ring)
(tense, exciting music)
(swords ring)
(men grunt)
(dramatic music)
(men grunt)
- Earring.
(percussive music)
It's not real.
(earring clatters)
(sword clatters)
Come on.
- You bastard, you wanna commit Harakiri?
- Oh, but I'm Chinese.
Why should I do that?
I'm Chinese, here's my pigtail!
- He's Chinese!
- I have pigtails!
(shimmering music)
I'm Chinese!
(shimmering music)
See my pigtail!
(spectators clap)
- Chinese?
(chuckles) Well, good.
My father was killed by a Chinese.
(Russian fighter shouts)
(fighters grunt)
You know that kung fu style.
(percussive music)
You are serious, then.
(ominous music)
- Blood.
(ominous music)
(fighters grunt)
(Ah Niu groans)
- You're finished.
(men grunt)
- Got cramps.
- You have yet to try my snake.
(ominous music)
- I'll kill him!
(Ah Niu shouts)
(exciting music)
Say your prayers!
(exciting music)
Run!
(exciting music)
Dragon.
(exciting music)
Had enough?
- I'll destroy you.
(exciting music)
Finished?
Then beg me.
(Ah Niu grunts)
(foot thuds)
(dramatic, tense music)
You're all washed up.
- You moron!
(exciting music)
(Russian fighter groans)
(Ah Niu shouts)
(exciting music)
(dramatic, solemn music)
(spectators clap)
(dramatic, solemn music)
- Ah Niu, Ah Niu.
(spectators clap)
(dramatic, solemn music)
- Your humble servant, sir.
- Ah Niu, you are a
true hero of the Ching.
Well, well done.
Name your reward.
What do you want?
- It was my duty, I thank you, sir.
I don't want anything.
- You have pleased me.
Thank you, thank you.
Tell me, young man,
tell me your background.
- Emperor, he is my son.
- Your son?
Stop joking with me.
- My lord, ask him, sir,
if you cannot believe me.
- Well, is he your father?
(dramatic music)
- I have no father.
I'm an orphan.
I never knew him.
(Emperor laughs)
- Ah Niu, you have pleased me.
I'll make you an official.
- My lord, I don't like town.
I'm from the country.
I would rather go home.
Goodbye, sir.
- Ah Niu.
Ah Niu.
(dramatic music)
(grains rustle)
- [Man] One white one, one black one.
Jesus Christ, where's my third?
- What are you on about?
- Nothing!
- Here, some new shoes.
Don't wear them out.
- Aunt, how come they're so heavy?
- They're just new, that's all, imbecile.
Work!
- All right.
- Wait.
Tell me what you do while you're out.
- I'm not still four, I know.
- What, four?
Four is your IQ!
- Be polite, take good
care, don't stop on the way,
don't take sweets from
strangers, never fight.
Isn't that right?
- Correct.
Go now.
I'll make a little treat for you
and have it ready for
you when you come home.
- You promise?
- [Woman] Mm hmm.
- [Man] All right, I'll be back soon!
(sedate, whistling music)
- What's up?
- He won't let you through
unless you pay him.
- What, I gotta get home.
That's not right.
(playful music)
(sneaking man grunts)
(sneaking man groans)
(sedate, playful music)
- [Pedestrian] Ah, Master Liu's here!
Show him, Master Liu!
You'll show him!
Go on, you kick him out.
- You damn old fool, what
the hell are you doing here?
(playful music)
You take care of him.
(men grunt)
(men groan)
(fists thunk)
(men grunt)
(exciting music)
(fists thud)
(Liu shouts)
(exciting music)
(men grunt)
- Bless your soul.
(people chattering)
- What's up?
- Hey, you asshole, you
just missed all the fun.
What a rip off.
No one can pass without paying.
That guy's on to a real winner.
- What a bummer.
My aunt gave me no money.
Hey, I just had a thought.
What if I was to beg him?
- You might just get lucky.
- Please, sir, I am broke,
but I still have to get over there.
Please, I have no money.
(chuckles) But I'm devoutly religious.
(people chattering)
Please, sir, I've gotta pass.
I'm taking some medicine
to a sick old monk.
Huh?
(boy groans)
(dramatic music)
Hey, he is only a kid.
You shouldn't hit him like that.
- Oh, so you'll do something?
I suppose you wanna fight me.
(people chattering)
- [Spectator] He's gonna take him on.
(people chattering)
(dramatic music)
(monk groans)
(people cheer)
(people whimper)
(exciting music)
- And why don't you fight back?
- But I cannot.
My aunt won't allow me to.
- What a pity.
(exciting music)
(man groans)
- Wait, if you go on just like that,
I might forget my aunt!
(monk chuckles)
(dramatic music)
(fist thunders)
(monk grunts)
(monk groans)
(dramatic music)
- [Spectator] Get outta here!
The troops will be here.
Get outta here.
- My God, you've killed him!
You better run!
Quickly, get outta here,
go on, quickly, hurry up!
(exciting, tense music)
- Aunt, Aunt!
Aunt!
- [Aunt] What is it?
- I just killed someone.
- Quickly.
I knew this would happen.
You idiot.
Why do you think I told you
never to get in a fight?
I've had this ready for you for some time.
Now, you must go and find
your father in the city.
- What?
- You've always asked
about him, your father.
There's a pendant.
Now, go quickly.
- Aunt, what about your promise?
- Oh, for God sakes, your father
will have plenty of treats for you.
Now get out of here!
(fast, busy music)
- Huh, hey, the old bastard!
- Go get him!
- Hold it!
- Hey, come back here!
You, hey, where's the money?
- Oh, it must've slipped my mind.
I just forgot. (chuckles)
- [Waiter] Now you remember?
- Mm, perfectly.
Oh, oh, I also forgot my money.
I'll just go home and get it.
- No, no!
- Like hell you will,
you dirty bastard!
- Please.
- [Waiter] You're not going anywhere until
you've given us that money.
- Hey, stop that.
Why don't you pick on
somebody your own age, huh?
- He's a thief.
- I'll pay them tomorrow,
but they couldn't wait.
- Hey, so then what the hell is wrong?
It's only money.
- [Waiter] You pay then!
- All right, I will.
(foreboding music)
Enough?
- More than enough.
- Thank you. (chuckles)
- My change!
Hey, why are you so stupid?
I didn't ask you to pay up.
- But I wanted to.
- (laughs) You are far
too kind for this world.
I will pay you back.
- But it's all right.
I just bought you a little drink.
Bye.
- Hey, have a good journey.
(people chattering)
- Hey, my friend, when did you get here?
- Who are you?
- You don't remember?
I'm the son of one of
your neighbors, Mr. Wong.
- Old Wong?
I don't know him.
- No Wongs?
Don't know any.
- No neighbors?
- Let me think.
Ah, you must be from the shit farm!
- Ah, never mind about
all those neighbors.
We're all from the same village, anyway.
I heard that you brought
a lot of money with you.
- Not much, enough.
- Good, it will be damned easy of you
to spend all of your money.
There are so many crooks.
You could get taken in.
But you're as clever as me,
you'll know how to make money from money.
- Make it?
- You know, in one month,
you can double your money.
- Double it?
- Ah, just hand it over.
- My aunt says greed buggers you up.
(chuckles) I'm sorry.
- Ah, you jerk-off, just give it to me!
(men grunt)
- (chuckles) You shouldn't grab.
(people shout)
(crook groans)
- Will you stop holding me?
You're breaking my back!
- I'm sorry.
- You dirty bastard!
You think I'm complete idiot?
(dramatic music)
(crook groans)
(crook shouts)
(exciting music)
- You're beaten.
(crook shouts)
(tense music)
- Oh my God! (shouts)
(weapons rattle)
(crook shouts)
- What?
What are you doing?
(crook shouts)
(exciting, tense music)
- Wow, mind my balls!
(exciting, tense music)
(crook screams)
You're breaking my goddamn neck! (screams)
(crook groans)
My foot, ah, shit!
- Rest of your shit also.
- [Crook] I'll never walk again! (groans)
(dramatic, percussive music)
- Ladies and gentlemen, we are honored
by the presence of the Russian ambassador.
(dramatic, percussive music)
- Want to introduce you to captains.
- [Captain] It's an honor to meet you.
- Your attention now, please,
gentlemen, for General Yao!
(dramatic gong music)
- [Crowd] General Yao.
- Please.
- China's greatest soldier General Yao,
and the Russian ambassador Mr. Solmanov.
- [Solmanov] A pleasure.
- You are a very great statesman.
Your reputation has traveled ahead of you,
and, today, in your honor, we
are holding a garden party.
Welcome to China.
- General Yao, may I
first please apologize
for taking up your time.
I know you're busy.
I am honored for this audience.
- It is nothing, the honor is mine.
These are my three sons.
Yao Man.
- A pleasure.
- [General Yao] Yao Woo.
Yao Che.
And the gentleman on the
end is their teacher,
renowned for his kung fu.
- [Teacher] A pleasure.
- Teacher, ah.
Then your three sons must be
very skillful at martial arts.
(men grunting)
(dramatic music)
- Where is he?
- He's waiting at the gates.
- Give it back to me!
- You can't go through there!
Stop it, come back here, you!
- And you better give it back to me!
- How dare you!
What are you doing?
- I'm after my dad!
- What, who the hell is he?
(sword rings)
(dramatic music)
- Yun Chung, your son is here.
- [Yun Chung] Eh?
- Ah, really, surely you can
recognize your own flesh and blood?
- Eh?
(Yun Chung chuckles)
Hello.
Don't stare, I am your father.
(men laugh)
- [Yao Che] I have a
hunch you're gonna get on.
- Yun Chung, why don't
you take your son and go?
- Huh?
- Go!
- Huh?
Ah, yes, yes, yes, let's go.
- [Soldier] Quickly!
(delicate music)
- Pop.
Pop!
- Yes, what is it?
- Pop, do you remember
Auntie that brought me up?
- I remember, how is she?
- Good!
She used to tell me, Pop,
your kung fu is really good.
Isn't it?
Can you teach me how?
- Look at me for a moment, will you?
I'm old.
Do I look like a kung fu man?
- Pop, then what do
you do for the General?
- I've been here for a long time.
After most of my life here,
I think of the place as home.
You are not half as old.
If you want to get on,
you must work very hard.
I suspect the General
will take a shine to you.
(comical music)
- Tai Chi is my life.
I'm an expert.
Turn around slowly and suddenly go for it!
Remember a man's most delicate
part is always his balls.
Once you have them, he is yours.
(Tai Chi man grunting)
Hey!
- Ah, morning!
- Come here, come on.
- What is it, sir?
- What is your name?
- (chuckles) I'm Ah Niu.
- Mm, Ah Niu?
Now you depend only on the General.
You have to work hard on his behalf.
There'll be no slacking!
- I know.
My father has told me.
- Hmm.
Well now, I want you to clean
up this whole courtyard.
- All right, but first I
gotta put the pails down.
- You won't!
Now you remember what I just told you
about the General, and away you go.
- That's a little unreasonable.
- Unreasonable?
Well, you may be right.
I'll show you how unreasonable.
(comical music)
- (chuckles) The pails are heavy.
(Tai Chi man grunts)
(comical music)
(Tai Chi man shouts)
(comical music)
(chuckles) It's all right.
Don't do it all, I'll help
you clear up the yard.
(Tai Chi man screams)
(comical music)
Uncle, that's the General's water.
(Tai Chi man shouts)
(comical music)
- Oh, I'm sorry, my little beauties!
I didn't mean to, oh,
forgive me, forgive me!
- Ooh!
(Tai Chi man chuckles)
(comical music)
(stick whooshes)
That was first strike.
- (chuckles) Ah Niu, there's
no need for you to worry.
There's no way I would've hurt myself.
No mark, see, no.
Go about your business, go on.
(comical music)
(bucket thuds)
(stick thuds)
(Ah Niu whimpers)
- You stop!
- Ah, old man, this young fool,
this damned village idiot, has been
trying to beat my face in.
- Father, he hit me first.
- Don't talk shit!
- Stop it!
Ay Yu-yu, don't you try to make trouble
for this good young man.
If you have something to say against him,
tell the General to throw him out.
- Hey, Yun Chung, don't you dare
try to use the General to threaten me!
- Let's go, come on.
- Oh, go on!
- Don't fight with
the likes of him,
let's go.
- Go, go, go!
Damn young fool!
One of these days, I'll get him back.
(soft, gentle music)
(men grunting)
- Boy, come out!
(Ah Niu chuckles)
Ah, it's only the country bumpkin.
Were you trying to copy me?
- But I wasn't.
I was passing through,
and I saw what you did,
and I think you're the best! (chuckles)
You really are excellent.
- Come over.
- Yes, sir.
(Yao Che whispers indistinctly)
Sir, what can I do?
- Get some tea.
- Yes, sir.
(busy music)
Your tea, sir.
(busy music)
- Here, over here!
- Yeah!
- Give me a rub!
(busy music)
- Over here!
Dry me.
- Right, right!
Just a moment.
- Quickly!
- [Ah Niu] Yes, sir.
But you're not sweating, sir.
(foot thunks)
(Ah Niu groans)
- What are you doing?
- Nothing!
(fist thunks)
(Ah Niu groans)
(Yao Woo laughs)
- [Ah Niu] Master, why'd you hit me?
- But I didn't, I was teaching you.
- Please, no more!
I'm going.
- You can't go while I'm teaching.
(playful music)
(arms whoosh)
- Get his heart!
(hand thunks)
(Ah Niu grunts)
- Your double fist!
(playful music)
(Ah Niu groans)
- Worship of the devil!
(Ah Niu groans)
- First the left, and then the right,
and then both together!
(Ah Niu groans)
(bones crack)
- Goddamn.
Now you've gone too far.
(chair clatters)
(feet thunk)
- I'm Tarzan in the jungle!
(Yao Che shouts)
(comical music)
I broke me goddamn back.
Oh, my back.
(comical music)
- Ah Niu.
- Yeah?
- Don't hide it.
Tell me who's beaten you.
- No one, I just fell down some stairs.
You see, I'm all right, I'm fine.
I'm okay.
- Okay, my ass.
- Hey, Pop, teach me some of your kung fu.
- What's that?
- Teach me kung fu.
- I told you before, I
don't know how to fight.
- And then I know you were the best.
You should teach me kung fu.
- (chuckles) To tell the
truth, I knew kung fu,
but that was a long time ago.
I was terribly wounded when I was young.
I became a hunchback, and
so I vowed never again.
Now I've forgotten it all.
- And General Yao, how good is he?
- Oh, good.
He has to be as a general.
He has the whole city to look after.
His kung fu's good.
- And his sons' kung fu, it's also good?
- Well, he wants his sons
perfect in all the arts
so he found them the very best teacher
in the whole of the country.
Their Master Yon has
a very highly inflated opinion of himself.
Be always on your guard or just keep away.
(shimmering music)
- [Ah Niu] General.
- Get up.
(delicate music)
Good to see you, are you well?
- I'm fine.
Thanks to you, I'm all right.
- Good to hear.
Is there anyone else in your family?
- There is my aunt, and she brought me up.
- And your mother?
- She's been dead a long time.
(mournful music)
- She's dead.
(mournful music)
- I understand that you
wished to see me quickly, sir.
- Master Yon, this is to be the year
of the great kung fu contest.
- Well, you go away!
- All right.
- Yes, General.
- As the province's general,
it's rather important
my sons do well in the competition.
They must come out on top.
- (laughs) Don't you worry, sir.
I shall ensure that
they do their very best.
(playful, light music)
(Ah Niu laughs)
(Yao Che grunts)
(weapon whooshes)
- Now go away.
Ah, so you wanna practice with me.
(weapons clang)
(men grunt)
Stay there or I could cut your snout off.
(weapon whooshes)
(Yao Che grunts)
(Ah Niu whimpers)
- Is there one missing?
- You really are an ignorant bastard.
You can't even count up to five.
(Ah Niu grunts)
Get up.
Get up.
That's right.
You really need a better tailor.
(Ah Niu grunts)
Right, left, or middle?
(weapon rings)
You really should learn
to dress yourself better!
(men grunt)
(weapon whooshes)
(tense music)
(Ah Niu shouts)
(dramatic music)
(hand smacks)
(Ah Niu groans)
(fists thunk)
(Ah Niu groans)
- You young scum, you think you have
a chance with people who really
know what they are doing?
(weapons clatter)
(Ah Niu moans)
Now, listen well, get out of my sight,
and the faster, the better.
(dramatic music)
(men laugh)
(emotional music)
(Ah Niu grunts)
(man chuckles)
(Ah Niu grunts)
- I never thought I'd see such a thing.
A tree.
(Ah Niu grunts)
(chuckles) I reckon you must've
had a pretty rough time.
Has someone been taking advantage?
Hey, that tree's not in the wrong.
If you want satisfaction, get
the one who's annoyed you.
- How the hell can I?
- Huh?
So it's you.
- You!
- Tell me, young friend, who's the one
who's upset you, and
I'll take care of him.
- Don't think you can help.
There's no point.
- (chuckles) Don't you be so sure of that.
Kung fu and drinking's what I'm good at.
- But how's that?
You couldn't teach me.
- Are you sure?
(Ah Niu grunts)
(gentle music)
(Ah Niu grunts)
Here's something I know.
(gentle music)
(Ah Niu grunts)
Another little trick.
(gentle music)
(old man chuckles)
Well, I rest my case.
What do you say?
(Ah Niu moans)
- You really can fight well.
- Well, I told you I did, didn't I?
Young man, I can trach you everything.
I am quite good, you know.
I will teach you all,
everything you need to know.
- Uh huh.
(old man chuckles)
(gentle music)
- I'm your new teacher,
that's your new home.
- Teacher, what's wrong?
- My wife is more violent
than either of us.
Often, she takes it into her
head she doesn't like me.
Says I'm an old bore.
She's good at kung fu, as well.
She's proud of herself,
she knows she's good.
And she's always arguing with me.
If I want you as my disciple,
hmm, she'll say that you're not right.
I don't think she's all there.
- Hey, if you hate her,
why not kick her out?
- Huh!
Watch your tongue.
If there's a divorce, then
who am I gonna argue with?
Ah, that makes sense.
(chickens cluck)
(bottle cracks)
(chickens squawk)
Hey, teacher!
Teacher, that was great!
(chickens cluck)
- Hey, say it's a present.
Say that it's a gift for her.
My dear, I've come back!
- Damn it, I've been waiting hours!
Where the hell have you been?
You think you're a?
Hey, who the hell's that?
- (chuckles) I'm gonna teach the lad.
He's my disciple.
- (chuckles) My lady.
- (laughs) How absolutely ridiculous.
You're gonna learn kung fu
off that old guy? (laughs)
- Hey, why do you start laughing
in front of my disciple?
- I do what the hell I want,
and you can keep your mouth shut.
- Darling!
(woman grunts)
Oh, no, don't do this in front of him.
He'll think I'm an old fart.
And you're just mad because
I have someone to teach.
You're jealous of me.
- Goddamn you!
- Ah Niu, you said you had
something for my darling.
- My lady, with respect.
- Ah, what a nice fellow.
(chicken clucks)
This is quite fat.
- My love, why don't we celebrate?
- [Wife] All in good time.
(Ah Niu and old man laugh)
- Well, sit down.
- Right.
(peaceful music)
- Ah, drumstick first.
(peaceful music)
Not bad.
(peaceful music)
(comical music)
- That looks quite familiar.
(comical music)
- Ah Niu, eat quickly!
When she's back, we're done for.
- One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, hmm,
one of them is gone.
Goddamn it, who stole my chicken?
(exciting music)
(table clatters)
- Why the hell did you have
to break all the furniture?
- I'll break your damn head!
(exciting music)
- [Old Man] But, God, we have to eat.
(exciting music)
- Let me go!
- Where would you be without me?
(wife grunts)
To hell with the chicken.
(Ah Niu groans)
(percussive music)
You've one thing to learn every month.
First, you'll learn about
the dragon in the sea.
It is a stylish creature,
so Dragon Fist kung fu is a
very stylish method of fighting.
Mark my words.
- Ah Niu, he makes it up as he goes along.
No use learning from him.
He's just an old man.
- Don't listen to her.
Now, you just follow what I'm doing.
(martial music)
- Your style's more like dancing
than anything I've ever
seen in my life before.
- Hey, keep your mouth shut.
(martial music)
- Cartwheels, my ass.
Looks like a dog having a fit.
(martial music)
- Madam, I'm very sorry.
I can't do it well.
- Ah Niu, let me tell you,
what that old fool is
teaching you, it's useless.
- Useless, but why?
- You doubt it, right?
Try me.
(hands smack)
Ah, so you have learned
something from him.
(hands smack)
You have the potential,
but you lack the technique.
(Ah Niu grunts)
(legs smack)
(AH Niu whimpers)
It's time you learn to fight well.
Well, now, I said he was no good.
You try, come on.
(fists smack)
(fighters grunt)
- Madam, you're the best, I'm no match.
- Get up, stop slacking off.
You've learned so little
from that old fool.
Ah Niu, you want me to
teach you something?
Ah, well, boy, you wanna learn?
- Of course!
But I'm afraid Master won't like it.
- Daytime, you can learn his way,
but, at night, learn from me.
He won't know a thing.
- All right.
(dramatic music)
- Both up front!
Reach for the stars.
(dramatic music)
Watch your left.
(dramatic music)
Now to the right.
(dramatic music)
To the front.
(dramatic music)
Down below.
(dramatic music)
Now from above.
(dramatic, rousing music)
- What sort of style's that?
Ah Niu, where the hell did you learn that?
Ah Niu!
(Ah Niu grunts)
Ah Niu, turn 'round and face me, boy.
Hmm, you're all washed up.
You've no stamina.
It's not my fault.
I wonder what it could be.
(dramatic, ominous music)
(Ah Niu grunting)
(tense music)
(Ah Niu grunting)
So it's that interfering old woman.
Ah Niu!
You damned, interfering old bitch!
How dare you have him out here
at all times of night when I'm trying
to teach him proper kung fu.
- What?
You ask him, he prefers it.
- Ah Niu, who do you want to learn from?
- I would-
- Ah Niu, he's not your teacher, I am!
- Ah.
- Ah Niu, I am the one
who brought you here.
- You're quite right.
- My kung fu is much better than his.
- Yeah.
- Mine is superior.
- Mine's the best!
- Mine!
- Mine!
- Mine!
- Mine!
- Mine's best!
- Mine!
(Ah Niu whimpers)
- [Old Man] Mine.
- Can't stand it.
- Ah Niu, Ah Niu, Ah Niu,
Ah Niu, Ah Niu, Ah Niu!
- Stupid woman, see?
Now you can see.
Look what you've done.
I didn't find my disciple for you.
- Shut up!
You won't have a disciple
unless I save him with my medicine.
- All right, whatever you
say, this boy is still mine.
I myself will make him well.
(piercing, whistling music)
- Open wide.
After you've taken all my medicine,
you'll be all right again.
(piercing, whistling music)
The old man's coming.
Quickly, now drink it all down.
(piercing, whistling music)
- Mustn't let her know.
(piercing, whistling music)
- Cold, so cold.
- Don't you worry.
Just get my remedy down your throat,
two hours later and you
will be as right as rain.
(Ah Niu whimpers)
Lucky you, you're to be the first one.
(AH Niu whimpers)
Huh?
(mysterious music)
"Eye of newt, the skin from frogs,
"lizard's testicles, the shit from a dog,
"cat's paw, stir in some poison," what?
Old woman, are you trying to kill him
with this goddamn poison.
- Ah, what the hell are you talking about?
I was given this by my teacher.
- Then it can't be that good.
Let me see.
- You'll try to steal it!
(tinkling music)
Up there.
- You bitch, you give that back!
- "Cut off an elephant's penis and boil
"it in some olive oil til it's done.
"Make sure not to come into
contact with the poison."
What?
And you wanna give this to Ah Niu?
You're the one who's trying to murder him!
- (chuckles) I have my book, as well.
My master gave it to me.
- I'm sure you have.
Let's see.
- You're off your skull.
This book contains fighting techniques,
as well as medicine.
I wouldn't let you see it.
- You don't even trust your wife.
(hands smack)
(fighters grunt)
(dramatic musical flourish)
- [Old Man And Wife] What?
"The Complete Works of Master Tang."
(dramatic music)
- But Master Tang was my teacher.
- He was my teacher before he was yours.
- [Wife] So he gave half
to me and half to you.
- And I'm sure he gave
the better half to me.
- You've only half his style!
No wonder that you never win.
- Hey, Ah Niu is the only
one who knows both of them.
- He's better than us.
- Teacher, I'm so hungry!
- Ah Niu, Ah Niu, you're better.
- You've recovered, oh, good!
We've both done it,
you have to admit that.
He wouldn't be well without us.
Thanks God he's well.
- Ah Niu has both our
styles, the whole book.
He is now the best.
- That's right!
(bright, exciting music)
- Now you are ready.
(bright, exciting music)
(Ah Yu-yu grunts)
(Ah Yu-yu shouts)
(Ah Yu-yu grunts)
- Where are you going?
- To my home.
- Oh, really?
Well, I think you have the wrong place.
This place isn't your home!
- It's the right place.
- It is the right place!
You young fool, you think that you
can come and go when you
like at your own leisure?
What do you think this place is, a hotel?
- Well, if you don't
know, how can I tell ya?
- I think you're up to something.
I haven't seen you for quite some time,
and now, suddenly, you
decide to come back?
- Hey, I'm not up to anything!
I just wanna come home!
- (laughs) Am I in your way?
Maybe you could get past if
you crawled on the ground.
- Me crawl?
And why should I do that?
- Listen, sonny, either you do
or I will have to force you to.
Well now, my boy, let's
see you on the ground then.
Don't mess around with me, boy!
- Hey, I wanna test something.
- (laughs) Get on the ground.
(Ah Niu chuckles)
Now get down.
- [Ah Niu] In a while.
- Don't force me to
fight with you, my boy.
(Ah Yu-yu whimpers)
- Are you sure you can fight?
(comical music)
- You have offended me!
(Ah Yu-yu whimpers)
- Uncle, there's no need to kneel.
- What?
I'm about to attack!
- Oh.
(Ah Yu-yu grunts)
Uncle, you wanna go to the can.
- My boy, this is my main attack position.
(Ah Yu-yu groans)
- Uncle, you shouldn't
attack the ground like that.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
- Goddamn it, you little bastard!
How dare you try to treat
a man like me like that!
(sword whooshes)
- What, you wanna chop me up?
(sword whooshes)
(men grunt)
(Ah Yu-yu screams)
(Ah Yu-yu giggles)
- I'm so brilliant, he missed me.
(comical music)
Huh, my little ball!
(sword whooshes)
Oh, my great speed saved me again.
(comical music)
(Ah Niu laughs)
Oh, my God.
(hands smack)
(men grunt)
See, I'm so good I got it
back with my bare hands.
- Baldy!
(sword whooshes)
(men grunt)
Right, left!
(sword whooshes)
Up, down, up, down, up, down,
up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down,
up, down, up, down. (laughs)
- You fooled me!
Now give up!
(Ah Yu-yu whimpers)
- Now you can't even jerk-off.
(dramatic music)
You want your toothpick?
(comical music)
(Ah Yu-yu whimpers)
- [Official Voiceover]
"General Yao, we have heard
"from the Russian ambassador Mr. Solmanov
"that he is to enter a man
"in this year's great kung fu contest.
"As you are doubtless aware,
"ambassadors from many
lands will be attending.
"Units under your command must take
"every precautionary
measure to ensure security
"for the greater good of the Ching.
"The Emperor."
- Master Yon, if the Emperor had written
to you in that way, you'd be worried.
(sighs) If there is trouble,
you know what will happen.
- Please, General, you must have faith.
Your three sons have improved.
Nothing will go wrong at the contest.
General, if I were you,
sir, I wouldn't worry.
I would be the proudest man alive.
- Ah, if you are so sure,
that is enough. (chuckles)
(weapon whooshes)
(mysterious music)
- He can't fight.
- Brother, he says we're useless!
- No way.
- You say that, you asshole?
You think you're better?
- Much better.
If you practiced more now, I'd fight you.
- I'd take you any day.
- Come on, get him.
- Move.
You can fight with me.
I can fight better.
- Oh, just for a while.
Hey, maybe I'll teach you first.
- Oh, you reckon you know how, teacher?
Brother, you show him a lesson.
- Now, teacher.
- Get ready.
(dramatic music)
(weapon whooshes)
(weapons ring)
(men grunt)
Well, someone's taking it seriously.
- Damn your ass, you've gone too far!
(Yao Woo shouts)
(weapons ring)
(men grunt)
- You're not very strong.
(weapons ring)
(men grunt)
Let go.
(Yao Woo groans)
(weapons ring)
(men grunt)
Fall and you're finished.
(fists thunk)
You're saying your prayers.
(hand smacks)
- You've stolen my kung fu!
- If I'd have stolen
it, I'd have been dead.
- You've really had it now, you bastard.
(weapons clack)
(men grunt)
You're dead!
(weapons clack)
(men grunt)
(Yao Che groans)
- You fell on your ass.
(Yao Che shouts)
- Damn it!
(weapons clack)
(men grunt)
- Stop!
(Ah Niu chuckles)
What, you're sweating.
(chuckles) I'll cool you down.
(weapons clack)
(men grunt)
- Oh, you missed me that time.
(comical music)
(Yao Che whimpers)
- [Ah Niu] Down they come!
(comical music)
(Yao Che groans)
- Oh, my birthmark!
- You want me to put it back?
- Older brother!
(Yao Man grunts)
(fists smack)
(men grunt)
(Ah Niu chuckles)
(Yao Man shouts)
(fists smack)
(men grunt)
- Be still or I'll break ya.
(exciting music)
(kick thunders)
(Yao Woo groans)
- Yun Chung, are you insane?
Why did you teach Ah Niu kung fu?
- General, I never taught him.
- Well, how come he knows then?
- [Yun Chung] We don't know, sir.
- You dare to lie?
You tell me, who else
would've taught him, huh?
You know damn well my sons
are entering the contest.
Now, one of them's hurt.
God knows what came over you.
For God's sake, why did you teach him?
- [Yun Chung] General, you
know that 29 years ago,
I swore not to get involved
in kung fu anymore.
I have not done so.
- God alone knows what you're up to.
- General, why won't you believe me?
I've served you for so long.
I don't care if you believe me.
But, sir, I remind you,
Ah Niu is your son.
(dramatic music)
- Damn it, you keep that quiet.
- Ah Niu is your own flesh and blood,
and yet he is treated
like shit in your home.
Your other three sons
have been beating him up.
Everyone treats him like dirt.
Because you're a general,
you can't have people knowing that.
But Ah Niu, he's a good boy.
He hasn't even a mother,
and now he hasn't a father.
- Shut up!
Yun Chung, you remember who is who.
He is not my son, and never was!
Now, listen, you get going, just get lost!
(sweeping, emotional music)
(Ah Niu grunts)
- [Officer Voiceover] "My dear ambassador.
"I have received an important
intelligence from the capital.
"The Russian ambassador
Solmanov has managed
"to engage the services of an
extremely competent fighter,
"one who is unmatched in his own country.
"Solmanov is seeking to gain victory
"in the coming kung fu contest,
"to improve Russia's
reputation amongst the Ching.
"We cannot, of course,
allow this to happen.
"I am sending you a
man of consummate skill
"to enrich our own
efforts in this direction.
"I trust you will realize
"the full importance of his mission."
- At your service, sir.
(swaying music)
- [Official] The fighter
brought here by the Russian
is from Asia Minor.
He has a bad reputation.
He's just good enough
to frighten the Chinese.
Do you think you can beat him?
- He won't stand a chance.
I'll make sure that I kill him.
(Ah Niu weeps)
Why is he like that?
I can't stand it!
- Don't worry about him.
- I hate men crying, it's a weakness.
Don't worry.
For God's sake, grow up! (grunts)
You bastard, you've made me lose face.
You're dead!
(limbs thunk)
(men grunt)
(sword rings)
(sword whooshes)
(tense music)
(sword whooshes)
(men grunt)
(sword clatters)
(men grunt)
(tense music)
- Hold it.
Look what you've done to him.
I've got no one to fight with the Russian.
What can I do?
- He started it, wasn't my fault.
(percussive music)
- You, I didn't realize
you were so skilled.
Damn him.
He started it. (chuckles)
Hey, come with me.
Hey, there's something worth fighting for.
It's a contest.
You could fight for me, if you want.
- Where will it be held?
- Oh, at the palace.
You'll meet everyone, even
the Emperor, if you win.
- Is the General going?
- Of course.
His sons will be there.
- I'll fight with them.
(shimmering music)
- He is not my son, and never was!
Now get going!
(dramatic music)
(sons laughing)
(dramatic music)
- Good, I will go.
(dramatic, martial music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the Emperor is now with us!
(dramatic, martial music)
Long live the Emperor!
(dramatic music)
- [People] Long live the Emperor!
(dramatic music)
- Tell them to sit.
- Gentlemen, take your places now.
The Emperor grants an audience
for the Russian ambassador.
- Your Majesty, your country
is known as a beautiful place.
The skill of your people
is well known abroad.
I have brought along with me a fighter
from Asia Minor for your contest.
I look forward to a friendly match.
- General.
- Sir.
- Who is representing us?
- They're all ready.
(tense music)
(man chuckles)
(fighter grunts)
(fighter thuds)
(alcohol patters)
(fighter screams)
(spectators gasp)
(Solmanov laughs)
- Disgraceful!
- Please, Your Majesty,
my son is well prepared to fight him.
He will not be beaten.
Please, have confidence.
(Solmanov grunts)
(dramatic music)
(tense music)
(men grunt)
(Yao Man groans)
(exciting music)
(Yao Man shouts)
(spectators gasp)
(dramatic music)
(fighter laughs)
(dramatic music)
- [Spectators] Look at him, look at him!
(spectators laugh)
- That's disgraceful!
- [Officers] Sir!
- Someone must stop him.
(spectators laugh)
- Your Majesty knows this Russian fighter
is only capable of using
cheap tricks in battle.
His fighting is hopeless
against one who is properly trained.
I happen to have such a fighter.
I would like to suggest
that he is more than capable
of handling the man who
so rudely insulted us all.
- Uncle.
- Sir.
- The Emperor has decided
to allow the Japanese
to pit his fighter against
the Russian barbarian.
- [Japanese Ambassador] Thank you, sir.
(tense music)
(Russian fighter laughs)
(tense music)
(percussive, exciting music)
(Ah Niu grunts)
(limbs smack)
(men grunt)
- Come along.
(fists smack)
(men grunt)
You a lady?
- Asshole!
(fists smack)
(men grunt)
- You're finished.
(spectators clap)
To the great Emperor!
(spectators clap)
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
(Ah Niu grunts)
- [Spectators] Hey!
(fists smack)
(men grunt)
(sword whooshes)
(dramatic music)
- First the top, now back and sides.
- Bastard!
(sword whooshes)
(Ah Niu grunts)
Help!
(sword rings)
(tense music)
(sword rings)
- Quickly, quickly!
(exciting music)
Throw him a sword.
(exciting music)
- Coming up.
(swords ring)
(tense, exciting music)
(swords ring)
(men grunt)
(dramatic music)
(men grunt)
- Earring.
(percussive music)
It's not real.
(earring clatters)
(sword clatters)
Come on.
- You bastard, you wanna commit Harakiri?
- Oh, but I'm Chinese.
Why should I do that?
I'm Chinese, here's my pigtail!
- He's Chinese!
- I have pigtails!
(shimmering music)
I'm Chinese!
(shimmering music)
See my pigtail!
(spectators clap)
- Chinese?
(chuckles) Well, good.
My father was killed by a Chinese.
(Russian fighter shouts)
(fighters grunt)
You know that kung fu style.
(percussive music)
You are serious, then.
(ominous music)
- Blood.
(ominous music)
(fighters grunt)
(Ah Niu groans)
- You're finished.
(men grunt)
- Got cramps.
- You have yet to try my snake.
(ominous music)
- I'll kill him!
(Ah Niu shouts)
(exciting music)
Say your prayers!
(exciting music)
Run!
(exciting music)
Dragon.
(exciting music)
Had enough?
- I'll destroy you.
(exciting music)
Finished?
Then beg me.
(Ah Niu grunts)
(foot thuds)
(dramatic, tense music)
You're all washed up.
- You moron!
(exciting music)
(Russian fighter groans)
(Ah Niu shouts)
(exciting music)
(dramatic, solemn music)
(spectators clap)
(dramatic, solemn music)
- Ah Niu, Ah Niu.
(spectators clap)
(dramatic, solemn music)
- Your humble servant, sir.
- Ah Niu, you are a
true hero of the Ching.
Well, well done.
Name your reward.
What do you want?
- It was my duty, I thank you, sir.
I don't want anything.
- You have pleased me.
Thank you, thank you.
Tell me, young man,
tell me your background.
- Emperor, he is my son.
- Your son?
Stop joking with me.
- My lord, ask him, sir,
if you cannot believe me.
- Well, is he your father?
(dramatic music)
- I have no father.
I'm an orphan.
I never knew him.
(Emperor laughs)
- Ah Niu, you have pleased me.
I'll make you an official.
- My lord, I don't like town.
I'm from the country.
I would rather go home.
Goodbye, sir.
- Ah Niu.
Ah Niu.
(dramatic music)