The Ransom of Red Chief (1998) - full transcript

Hello, I'm Sheriff "T-Bone" Slim Yankum

and this is my town--

Summit, Missouri.

As a matter of fact, there I am

way down at the end of the street

waving at you.

Well, it's too far away

for you to see me.

Now, anyway, ours is a peaceful kind of town

where the old and the new

get along real harmonious like.



Look us over.

It's, uh-- it's me again.

Recently Summit went through an experience

we found both interesting and enlightening.

Now, we thought we'd share

this splendid adventure with all of you.

So pull up a chair, sit back,

and join us for a story that we call

"The Ransom of Red Chief."

Feast your eyes upon it, William--

an ever-changing world,

one rampant with possibilities.

Uh-huh.

This new world will be shaped by men of ideas, Bill.



Men like us.

Now that we're the proud owners of the beefsteak mine,

we'll accrue power, fortune

and most importantly, respect.

We are men of the future united in a common destiny!

Remember, above all else, act with dignity.

Station stop-- Summit, Missouri!

10 minute stop in Summit, Missouri!

With their dignity somewhat bruised,

Sam and Bill headed into town

and straight for the assayer's office

to determine the true value

of their recent purchase-- the beefsteak mine.

Oh!

The assayer's office.

Wait here, Bill.

Okay, we'll see you next week then.

- Good day to you, sir. - Good day, sir.

My partner and I recently ran into some good fortune

and acquired a deed

to a mine in this area.

We would like to know both the location

and the mine's relative worth.

Here you are, sir.

The deed to the beefsteak mine.

Uh, just a moment, sir.

I want to consult with my fellow experts.

Oh.

Beefsteak mine!

Beefsteak!

That's it, that's what he said.

Beefsteak!

What a winner this is!

Next thing you know, it'll cost a dime

to hitch your horse.

It would seem that the mine you purchased

with our last $3

is worth... squat.

What? Wow.

How much is that, Sam? -

well, I guess we'll just have to seek

an alternate source of revenue.

When Agnes Christina McCann

met Ambrose Dorset, he was what people

politely called a man of opportunity.

Others called him a cheap swindler,

a con man, and a no-good, this-and-that.

But Agnes set out to make an honest man of him

and that she did.

Now he owns most the town.

Get a horse, Mr. Dorset!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa!

Andrew!

- Ambrose, do something. - Yes, dear.

Andrew, desist.

Now, it wasn't that Andy Dorset

was a bad kid, exactly.

But Mr. Dorset always had his nose in a ledger

or somebody else's business,

being the town banker and all.

And Agnes, of course, was the county's

leading advocate of the arts.

And that took up most of her time,

so Andy sort of ran free.

Whoa! -

hey, can't you boys stay on those horses?

Mrs. Dorset?

Four prints to the house, please.

Ambrose, we'll frame that and hang it in your den, dear.

- Fine. - I'm going to go play.

Andrew, don't be long.

Hey, young Dorset!

Your day's coming, kid.

You better watch your step.

That was Andy.

Picture without the boy, folks?

- Oh, very nice. - Oh.

And he was a talker.

People have been known to jump into the town well

rather than engage in a conversation with Andy.

Howdy! -

howdy, Mr. Hooper. Did I ever tell you

- about the time I caught-- - I can't talk right now, Andy.

My pet duck died. He drowned.

He'd been ill anyway. I gotta, I gotta go have my lunch.

But, Mr. Hooper, it's only 8:00 in the morning.

Well, you know, I had an early breakfast.

Up all night, what with grieving and all.

- You say hello to your father. - But, Mr. Hooper!

Repent in the lord. -

repent in the lord. Repent in the lord.

Repent in the lord...

Hey Sam, I got an idea.

Oh, be still my heart.

What if we kidnap the son

of that distinguished family and hid him in our mine?

We could ask his father for a lot of money to get him back.

His father would give us a fortune,

we'd give him the boy back and everybody would live

happily ever after.

Say that again.

Well, um, what if that extinguished family

had a little boy with a fortune?

We could hide it in our mine

and ask his father to give it back.

His father would kidnap the son,

ask us for a lot of money and everybody lives happily ever after.

You know, that's a good idea.

Come, William. We have fish to fry.

Sam? Sam, when did we go fishing?

Bang bang bang!

Out of the way!

Andrew? Andrew!

Andrew Dorset!

You stop that skating right now, do you hear me?

Andrew!

You take those skates off and get in here this instant!

- Aw, nuts. - This instant.

Just what do you think you're doing, young man?

I'm surrounding a wagon train.

Oh, and are they going to beg for mercy!

- What did I tell you about skating? - Ow!

You didn't say I couldn't skate inside the house.

- Where's the other skate? - I lost it.

Ow, ow, ow!

- Practice the piano. - I don't want to!

Andrew, put that dreadful magazine away.

The piano, now.

- Hey, pop! - Oh, not now, Andrew.

- I'm working. - Gee, all the other kids' pops

have time to listen to them when they're working.

Well, except Jimmy Haskell's. He's the undertaker.

He can't really stop working when he's working 'cause the body won't keep.

Ever think about having a dead body in the house?

I think it would be kind of neat. I bet it would smell like a rotten apple.

I ate a rotten apple once and I threw up

allover Suzie mcpherson at school.

She hit me.

I didn't think it was fair.

Of course, it was the rotten apple's fault.

Of course, it wouldn't bother you if you were

working on a dead body, but you're not.

Ever think about having a dead body in the house?

I think it would be kind of neat.

We have a dog, but he's not dead,

- just lazy. - Okay okay.

What is it?

It says here that Buffalo Bill's wild west show

is going to be playing at capitol city next week.

Huh. Really?

Yeah! And there's going to be cowboys and Indians

and sharp-shootin' and steer ropin'!

And Annie Oakley herself is going to be there!

Let me see that.

Annie Oakley herself, huh?

Yeah! And if we take your horseless carriage,

we could be there in an hour.

We most certainly will not.

That sort of entertainment is for hooligans,

- isn't it, Ambrose? - Yes, indeed.

Hooligans really love this sort of thing.

And we wouldn't want to lower ourselves to that level.

Exactly. Andrew-- -

Andrew!

Andrew!

- Here's your tea, dear. - Oh. Thank you.

Hoidy again, hoidy again, hoidy again, hoidy again.

Goin' with me moggin' Monday?

Oh, yes, Ms. Dupa. That'll be fine, thank you.

Durny durny durny.

You are doing so beautifully with your English, Ms. Dupa.

Isn't she doing beautifully, dear?

Yes, dear, beautifully.

Aw, boojie boojie boojie.

Miss, pardon dwap dwap.

Can you believe she's only been speaking English

for three years?

Absolutely unbelievable.

I just love that laugh.

It's so... musical.

So bell-like, don't you think, Ambrose?

Like a donkey in heat, my pet.

- What did you say, dear? - I said on key

and sweet, my pet.

Oh. Well--

that'll be all, Ms. Dupa.

Okeydokey.

Andrew, why am I paying for lessons

when you refuse to practice like a civilized young adult?

Hmm... is that some sort of trick question?

Come on. Ambrose!

Will you talk to this boy?

Coming, dear.

Gee, pop!

I didn't know you did tricks on skates!

- Ambrose, are you hurt? - Oh no, dear.

You won't mind if I linger here for a moment, will you?

The ceiling's fascinating from this angle.

I've been looking all over the house for this.

Thanks, pop!

That's all right. Think nothing of it.

Glad to be of service.

Whew.

- Ambrose. - Yes, my little apple blossom?

Something amiss, dear? -

as if you didn't know.

Really, I have no idea.

Is it the humidity?

The barber says we're due for some rain soon.

He can feel it in his big toe.

Can you imagine that? What a talented digit he has.

Go ahead, avoid the subject.

Well, we could use the rain.

- It's your son. - My son?

I thought we agreed to share him.

Sometimes, I think people don't like him.

Everyone in town knows he tells stories.

You want him to be cultured, don't you?

Yes, dear.

And you want to be proud of him, don't you?

Yes, dear. Proud as a peacock, dear.

And you don't want him to grow up the way you grew up.

- Do you? - No, dear.

You do remember how horrible

your life was before I was around to shape it?

Yes, dear.

I dreaded every day, dear.

What would you call your life before I met you?

- Fun. - What?

None.

I had no life until I met you, my little angel.

Then you'll talk to the boy?

- Yes, dear. - And you'll straighten him out?

Yes, dear.

There's just one more thing, dear.

The gypsies are back.

Well, we agreed that was all right.

They sharpen the knives and the tools.

- They're very helpful. - Well, yes. I-- I know, dear.

But they were wailing and crying all through the night.

Apparently, they lost something.

Well, what did they lose?

Well, I don't know, but they were very upset.

They were still looking this morning.

Dearest, I shall pray that they find it.

Andrew! Are you skating--

I don't believe--

while Agnes and Ambrose waged their never-ending war

with the rambunctious Andy--

actually, it was more what they call a hold than action--

Sam was busy setting his ambitious plan into motion.

Excuse me!

Can you direct my associate and myself

to the Dorset domicile?

Yes. See the courthouse?

Right behind the courthouse is the presbyterian church.

- Uh-huh. - That's their street.

- Oh, yes. - Oh, you can't miss their place.

It's as big as a house.

Oh-- their house is as big as a house.

Well, that's very succinct.

Thank you, madame.

There's a perfect matrimonial prospect for you, my dear Bill.

Oh, yeah?

I'm off to see my psychic, dearest.

Well, tell her I send my best.

I guess she probably knows that already.

Eaty grubby-food now.

Ambrose, Ms. Dupa says your lunch is ready.

For goodness sake, don't you understand English?

I do when I hear it spoken, my little porcupine.

Now, dear, we've been through this before.

All respectable families have European servants.

Do you know what it's like not to be able to tell

whether your food is flora or fauna

or something in between?

Oh, Ambrose,

it's well-known that rumanians

have a way with meat.

Besides, she's very thrifty.

Our grocery Bill's fallen considerably

since she came to us.

Eaty grubby-food now. I call Doe at.

Kiss kiss.

Miss Dupa!

- Aye aye, muzzy Dorset? - What cut of meat is this?

Cut... meat?

Yes. Cut of meat.

Hmm.

Oh!

No no no no. Um... meat.

Uh-- uh-- meat, uh--

- meat-uh. Uh-meat-uh. - Yes.

What kind of animal is this meat?

Moo? Moo?

- Mm-moo... - Moo?

- Mm-moo... - Moo...

Oh! Not a-- not a-- not a-- no moo.

Oink oink oink? -

not a-- not a-- not a--

cock-a-doodle-doo! Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Cockie doodie doo. Cockie doodie doo.

Uh-uh.

- I give up. - Oh.

That will be all, miss Dupa.

I just hope it wasn't named fido or rover.

]

Or mittens or boots.

Fluffy!

Fluffy!

Fluffy!

Fluffy!

What is fluffy?

Fluffy's a cat.

They think it's their cat, pop!

Fluffy!

Oh, there's our little meal ticket now.

This will be like shooting monkeys in a barrel.

Don't say it.

No! Andrew!

All right, my little pyromaniac,

I've reached my limit!

Bad manners I'll tolerate.

Appalling clamor I'll tolerate.

Atrocious behavior of all kinds I'll tolerate.

I'll even tolerate abominable and sundry bathroom noises.

But I draw the line at conflagration.

White man trespasses on Red Chief's land at his own peril.

You've gone one step too far this time,

Little Chief Runamuck.

And you better not take one step further, pop.

Oh, really?

And what will happen--

- I warned ya. - Get me down!

Get me down! Oh!

Gee, dad, you look neat upside down.

Get me down! Get me down!

- Are you sure? - Get me down this instant!

Okay, pop.

No! No! Andy, no!

Boy, that must have hurt

landing on your head like that.

Formidable. Formidable.

I think we'd better arm ourselves.

- Get in the house. - I won't and you can't make me.

I'll engage in no further debate.

Your mother will deal with you.

Look forward to many months alone in your room.

Endless hours at the piano.

Countless weeks conjugating verbs.

You don't care about me anyway!

You wouldn't care if I died!

If I went and jumped in the ocean,

you wouldn't care.

I'm not allowed to have any fun!

Nobody listens to anything I say!

Nobody has time to play with me!

Everybody's always busy. All get is, "no, you can't do this."

"No, you can't do that."

You're don't even know I'm around

except when I'm in trouble!

You'll all miss me when I get stolen during a raid!

I'm running away!

I'll probably get kidnapped by Mongolian hordes!

- And then you'll be sorry! - Mongolian hordes?

There never is a good Mongolian horde around when you need one.

Hey, Pete, want to talk?

Hey!

Red rover, red rover, send Andy right over.

Oh, can I play, Sam, huh?

Never mind.

Hide the sack.

What are you doing?

You said to hide the sack.

Behind your back.

Well, my good fellow.

How are we today?

Who's "we," fatso? And what do you guys want?

We want you to get into this sack, okay?

What?

Uh, we'd like to hit the sack.

Perhaps you can direct us to the nearest hotel.

My folks don't like me talking to strange people.

And he's pretty strange.

Oh, yes. Well...

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Samuel Howard

and this is my associate, William Driscoll.

- And you are? - In a hurry, so buzz off.

Get-- get him in the sack! In the sack!

Now, listen here.

- Ow! - Oh!

Help!

And there I am, sheriff "T-Bone" Slim Yankum.

And my trusty, but none-too-bright

Deputy Muldoon.

He's come to talk. I can see it in his eyes.

Help!

- What's up, Andy? - No time to talk, sheriff.

No time to talk?

- Darn the luck. - They're after me.

- Who's after you? - The kidnappers.

Kidnappers, eh? Well, what kind are they today?

Apache? Sioux?

- Crow? - I'm not telling a story, sheriff.

Honest. Two guys are after me.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you try and circle back home

- and I'll keep an eye out for them. - Promise?

Promise.

We lost him! We lost him!

Oh, the agony of defeat!

Well, why don't you take your shoes off?

Why would I want to take my shoes off?

Well, that's what I do when my feet hurt.

- My feet don't hurt. - You just said they did.

- No, I didn't. - Sam, you most certainly did.

You said they were in agony.

Not my feet! Defeat-- the agony of defeat.

Well, those are the feet, they're your feet.

And if they hurt, then that's agony, Sam.

- My feet don't hurt. - Then whose feet hurt?

Give me one good reason not to kill you.

Because the kid's right across the street.

You go that way, I'll go this way.

Sam, are you leaving me?

Why?

It's called heading him off.

We don't want his head off, Sam,

we want it in the sack.

Oh, my goodness, the sack. I forgot the sack.

Sam, please let me go with you.

Oh, for heaven sake, come on.

Sam, what do we do? He blocked our path.

Oh.

We got him.

Ow! Ow!

We don't got him.

There's no time for that.

I'm back.

Hello, dear. How was the psychic?

She wasn't there. She was run over by a horse this morning.

Huh.

You'd think she would have seen that coming.

Where's Andrew?

Aw, well, dear, we need to talk.

I-- I didn't see him around.

Aw, well, you know how boys are.

He probably just wandered off to do a little exploring.

Well, how long's he been gone?

Well, that's what I wanted

to talk to you about.

Okay, kill me.

I'm too tired to run anymore.

We don't want to kill you.

I'm pooped too.

That was quite a chase you gave us there.

Yeah, and it was pretty fun.

So, are you guys going to torture me?

Rip out my tongue so I don't talk to the law?

Of course not, we just want to kidnap you.

Hold you for ransom.

- What's a ransom? - It's like this--

we take you away

and write your parents saying that we'll give you back

if they pay us for you.

Isn't that dishonest?

Well, it depends on how you look at it.

You don't get hurt.

Your parents have plenty of money.

All they have to do is share some with us.

Right.

And when a family is as exhausted as yours,

everybody lives happily ever after.

- Uh-huh. - What do I do when I'm kidnapped?

- Anything you want. - I can play?

Certainly.

Bill here loves to play.

And we have this big old abandoned mine all picked out.

It's way up in the hills.

Why, I bet a long time ago,

it was even used by Indians as a sort of cave.

- Real Indians? - Aw, yep.

Fierce ones too I bet-- warriors, braves,

- chiefs. - Wow!

Oh, sure.

But now that you've found us out

and have escaped from us, I guess we can't take you there.

How come?

Well, you obviously don't want to be kidnapped.

Let me get this straight.

If I get kidnapped, you'll take me to an Indian mine

where I can play whatever I want until I have to go home.

Exactly.

So this is all just a big game.

The best game.

White man does not speak with forked tongue?

Sam speaks the truth.

Bill here-- well, what does it matter?

Red Chief will go with white brothers.

Snake-eye speaks well.

And old Hank has an honest face.

- The name's Bill. - You're ruining everything.

- What? - That's right, old Hank.

We must listen to the great Red Chief.

Okeydokey.

We will live in peace unless pale face goes back on word.

Then Red Chief will be forced

to scalp white brothers while they sleep.

This is going to be a piece of cake.

- Deal? - A deal.

- A deal? - A deal.

Congratulations. -

Oh Ambrose, I'm worried about Andrew.

I think you were entirely too harsh with him.

I'm sure he's fine. Just playing.

Boys will do that.

But it's not like Andrew to miss his piano practice.

- Uh-huh. - I think we should go to the sheriff.

Now, dear, there's no need to involve

the sheriff in all this. I'm sure the boy's all right.

Then I'm going to look for him.

Very well.

Goodbye, dear.

Well, Red Chief, here's your new home.

- How do you like it?
- It looks swell.

A little sprucing up and it'll be fit

for our mighty chief.

Well, running water.

It's better than that hotel we stayed at in Peoria, Sam.

We're in luck, Bill.

- Old Hank. - Yes, we're in luck, old Hank.

There are tools here.

Some supplies too.

Oh, good, I'm starving, snakey.

- Snake-eye. - Whatever.

Here, you hang these.

Like the others and then you and Red Chief

unpack the grub while I check to see if we were followed.

Good thinking.

Okay, who's the smart guy?

Well, I bet it's not me.

He's hiding.

Oh, well, thank you so much

for that invaluable information.

- Did you throw this ax? - That's not an ax.

That's Red Chief's tomahawk.

Red Chief uses it to hunt and fight pony soldiers.

Not anymore, Red Chief doesn't.

Sam, I mean snake-eyes,

will use it to cut wood for lunch.

Got it?

White man speaks well.

Red Chief says...

Okay.

This kid's father better be loaded.

Ooh, spooky.

- Old Hank. - Hmm?

Do you think there's any ghosts in this mine?

Ooh, don't say that. I hate ghosts.

There could have been a fire.

This ghost could be a scab ghost

all covered in slimy, gooey scabs!

Ooh-ee!

And he could grab you

and hug you and scab you to death.

Ew, don't say that, Red Chief!

I hate scabs.

Look out! There's ghost slime

on that rock behind you.

Stop it, I hate ghost slime!

I hate ghost slime! I hate scabs!

- And I hate ghosts! - What do you think of spiders?

Ooh, I hate spiders.

Well, that's too bad because you got one on your head.

N-No no. N-n-n-no no.

It's not a spider. Tell me it's not a spider.

Um, maybe it's a cat.

Well, unless a cat has eight legs, that's a spider.

Well, get it off me! Get it off me!

Well, shake it off. Shake it off.

It won't come off!

Well well well-- stand on your head!

Where?

Is it gone? Is it gone?

Is it gone?

Nope, it's still there, but it's moving.

Get it off me! Get it off me!

- Please! - How?

- Knock it off! - Knock it off with what?

Anything!

Anything?

- Please, hurry. Hurry. - Okay.

Bill!

What happened?

- He concussed me. - What did you do?

He had a spider on his head.

Oh, yeah. Is it gone?

You should save that.

Ms. Dupa has a way with meat.

Oh!

How many fingers?

- February. - Close enough.

Now go outside and keep watching.

I'll look after the kid.

Red Chief.

Yeah, well, Red Chief better be good.

Now he's dealing with snake-eye.

Red Chief's always good.

Red Chief's a noble warrior.

Yeah, well, just stand there.

Don't move, don't think, don't play, don't breathe.

Just stand there.

Can I talk?

I guess a little talk couldn't hurt.

Now I guess it's sort of unusual

for the town mailman to be the town gossip. -

but when you think about it, he does visit every house,

every day, so it sort of makes sense. -

holdin' on to your hosen.

Anyway, mailman Higgins was the town gossip

and he loved his job.

- Howdy, Ms. Dupa. - Oh, hor-gay.

Here's your mail.

Wow, this is some house.

Oh, i-- I bumped into Mrs. D.

She said Andy wandered off, huh?

Oh, no, siree, Bobby.

He didn't wander off?

Well, what happened? Something wrong with him?

What? What? -

oh, he's constipated.

- Okay, starts with the letter i-- - no no no no no.

Eh, big hordey ganga Mongolian horse.

He was kidnapped by a Mongolian horse?

No no no. Uh, mongol... ganga...

Kidnappunz.

He was kidnapped by a Mongolian horse with a moustache.

Wow.

Wait till I tell the guys back at the office.

Goodbye, Ms. Dupa.

Yahoo blottom.

Like I told you before, Andy Dorset was a talker.

Rumor has it, he once

talked a pet parrot to death.

They found the poor critter hanging by his claws

upside down on his perch,

blood trickling from his ears.

So you can imagine the poor kidnappers' state of mind

after an hour alone with Andy,

talking, talking, talking.

I wonder if anybody has ever ridden a gopher.

I guess not. You'd hit your head

going into holes. I don't like girls.

You shouldn't try to catch frogs

unless you use a string.

Do sheep burp? Why are oranges round?

Have you got any beds to sleep on in this cave?

Sometimes my dad lets me ride a pony.

They're like horses, only shorter.

I never got hit with a booger, but Mary Alice

once flung one at Katy Block.

If people can play piano,

why can't pianos play people?

This is good grub. I like this fine.

I never camped out before, but I had a pet parrot once.

Whoa. Are there any real Indians

in these woods anymore? -

can I have some more beans? Does the trees moving make the wind blow?

I always wondered about that.

We have a dog named Attila and he had five puppies.

I never camped out before,

- but I almost had a pet possum once. - Having fun?

And I was nine last birthday. What makes your nose so red, Hank?

Do they have witches where you come from?

They ride brooms. Isn't that funny?

If you're a fat witch...

Ladies, have you heard the news?

The Dorset boy's missing.

He may have been kidnapped.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, no!

Ladies, let us pray.

- Oh, praise, Jesus. - Thank you, god.

- Thank you, god. - Thank you, Jesus.

- Thank you, lord. - Hallelujah!

Silence, silence.

Oh, bliss.

Bliss.

Maybe I'll never have to hear another spoken word.

Oh, rapture.

If I was a bear, I'd be butt naked.

If I was a bear, I'd be a big hairy animal

that was butt naked.

Why wouldn't they call me a bare bear then, huh?

Red Chief!

- Is white man speaking to me? - Yes, he is.

We need to have a little talk, Red Chief.

Sure, snake-eyes!

Did you know that my grandfather had a gold tooth?

He got one from riding--

a poor choice of words.

Allow me to rephrase.

I will talk. All right?

Uh-huh.

Uh, now...

Do you like it at home, Red Chief?

It's okay.

I don't have any fun at home.

I hate going to school.

I like to camp out.

Am I a brat, Sam?

Oh-- oh--

no, no no no no.

- No, you're-- - I'm a brat.

Why do you say that, Red Chief?

My dad thinks I'm a brat.

That's why he won't play with me or talk to me much.

Oh.

No, Red Chief, your dad doesn't think that.

He's just busy.

You're not a brat,

you're just imaginative

and energetic.

- Clever. - Really?

Oh, absolutely.

But, I don't have to go home right away, do I, Sam?

Snake-eye.

Do I, snake-eyes?

No.

Not right away.

We'll stay here in the cave a little while.

Great! I never had so much fun in my life!

Why don't you run along and see if there's

any pony soldiers out there spying on us.

Don't stray too far from the cave.

The woods can be a dangerous place for lone braves.

You betcha!

Red Chief keeps eyes peeled for pony soldiers.

What an amazing little fellow.

Well, it will all be worth it.

Now the mountain will come to Mohammed.

The mountain will come to Mohammed?

- Uh-huh. - How's it going to do that?

It's got tiny little mountain feet?

Well, we did it, old Hank.

A perfectly executed caper

down to the last, minute detail.

Every tiny contingency considered.

Every possible angle dealt with.

I mean, all we have to do now

is sit here and wait for the ransom money.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

I didn't do it!

I can't believe his father

didn't send any money.

We planned this kidnapping thoroughly.

Well, maybe the mountain didn't see Mohammed.

I mean, the mountains are huge

and Mohammed, he could be this itty-bitty little thing--

let's reevaluate our plan.

We pick a very wealthy lad.

- We kidnap him. - Uh-huh.

We bring him to a secluded spot.

- Mm-hmm. - We wait for the ransom money.

Mm.

What could be wrong?

Uh, I don't know.

Let me think a minute.

I mean, the plan was so meticulous.

What could it possibly need?

Uh-- did we write a ransom note?

Don't be ridiculous.

It would be terrible if we didn't.

I was waiting for you to notice that.

- You were? - Of course.

Why do you think I staged this elaborate test?

- It was a test? - Yes.

Congratulations.

You've just been promoted to kidnapper, first class.

Well...

Silence.

"Dear Mr. Dorset.

We have kidnapped your son Andrew.

- The little blond-headed"-- - no no no.

There are three "d"s in "headed."

Oh. "'Headeded' boy.

We will return him to you unharmed

if you meet our demands.

Give us money in the amount of"--

how much do you think we should ask for?

Well, he's a millionaire, isn't he?

- Right. - Right.

"Give us money

in the amount of $50."

Do you think that's too much?

I don't know, Sam. That seems like an awful lot.

How about, uh--

"$47.50"?

Now don't forget-- don't forget to punctuate, Sam.

Dot your "t"s and cross your "i"s.

Oh, okay. Okay.

"Give it to a messenger,

who will not be me,

at the old hamstrung bridge.

Yours sincerely,

the fierce and desperate kidnappers."

Period.

Poetry.

Pure poetry.

And you get an "a" for penmanship.

Thank you.

So now, to assess the situation.

Sam, Sam, where are you going?!

To the next town over.

I want to see if news of the kidnapping has spread.

Then I will hire a messenger to bring the note to Dorset,

someone who is totally ignorant of the crime.

What's the matter?

Sam, when you need somebody ignorant you usually pick me.

Well-- well, you're too important

for this mission, Bill.

You're going to stay here with the boy.

No, Sam! Sam!

Sam, please don't leave me!

Sam!

Old Hank! Old Hank!

Old Hank!

Want to see how they hang horse thieves?

Uh, no. No--

- is there any rope around here? - No, there's no rope.

No no. This is not a good game to play.

Yes, it is.

No!

Onward, thunderbolt.

Good day, madame.

That a boy. That a boy, thunderbolt.

Whoa.

Good afternoon, my dear sirs.

Howdy.

It certainly is good for a gentleman

such as myself to find himself

in the heartland again.

Fist fights, shootings,

hooliganism, kidnappings--

back here, those things are unheard of.

Yeah, well, I'm not so sure of that.

Oh?
- Yeah.

In Summit, the town down the road,

there's quite the commotion going on there.

Oh, you don't say.

Little Dorset boy. He was kidnapped.

The way I hear it, it was either

a two-headed Mongolian horse

or one Mongolian horse with a moustache.

Either way, it's not a pretty picture.

Indeed not.

I shall endeavor to keep my eyes peeled

for the lad as I wander down

life's highways.

You do that.

Sits a mule pretty good, though.

Good day, sir.

- What's so good about it? - It's a figure of speech.

One day's the same as the next, if you ask me.

You live through enough of them, then you die.

That's all she wrote. -

watch the dog. He bites.

That's not a dog.

Of course, it's a dog. What's the matter with you?

Oh say,

do you know where the town of Summit is?

Of course, I do.

Do I look like an idiot to you?

- Well-- - Summit's three miles down the road.

And why don't you go there right now?

Well, I was wondering if you'd do me a favor.

Not likely.

There's a dollar in it for you.

Aw, now you're talking, bub.

This is no dollar.

No. It's a letter I would like you to deliver.

Do you know an Ambrose Dorset?

Everyone knows Dorset. Richest man in the county.

Well, I'll pay you a dollar

to deliver that letter to him.

Give me the dollar.

Now, you'll make sure to deliver it

to Ambrose Dorset and nobody else?

I ain't deaf, you idiot.

Thank you, sir.

I know I can trust you.

You have an honest face.

Now can the ham. I said I'd deliver the letter

- and I'll deliver it. - Thank you and good day.

Let's go, rover. -

Heel, rover!

I said heel, rover!

Rover, heel.

Well, what kind of seeing-eye dog are you anyway?

I got jipped!

I'm going to get my money back from that sucker.

I saw him not two hours ago, ma'am.

He was playing one of his little games again--

you know, his tall tales.

My son does not fabricate tall tales.

No, ma'am.

But he sure does spin a good yarn.

I don't think he's been kidnapped.

Well, the town obviously thinks so.

That's just wishful thinking, ma'am.

What exactly did Andrew say when you saw him?

That he was being pursued by Indians out to kidnap him.

Ambrose, do you see? He's been abducted by savages.

The only savages in this town are picketing the saloon.

That old Mrs. Greavy is the ring leader.

You know, I saw her punch a horse unconscious once.

Granted, it was an old horse,

but still, it went down like a ton of bricks.

To this day, I have nightmares.

Ambrose! Be constructive.

Yes, dear. Sheriff...

You'll keep an eye out for the boy, won't you?

I'm sure he's just out having fun

and has lost track of time,

- but having a wife yourself-- - she's dead.

Ah.

Indeed.

But you must remember what it was like

having her around, don't you?

Mercifully, I put all that behind me.

Well, in any event, I'm sure he's just playing a prank on us.

- How can you be so sure? - Well,

I mean, let's be logical about this.

If he had been kidnapped, we would have gotten

a ransom note, wouldn't we?

- And did you get one? - No, we didn't get one.

Are you sure?

Let me emphatically state, dear sir,

that I have received no note. I have traveled the four corners of the globe

and I know what a ransom note looks like.

They come in all shapes and sizes, you know.

I have received no note, big or small,

triangle or rectangle, oval or octagon.

Well, it could be hexagonal.

Listen, why don't you folks go over to the restaurant

and have a sarsaparilla.

And I'll send a few men out to sniff around.

My dear.

Take care of that, will you, Muldoon?

Wait a minute!

This ain't the way to Summit.

Come on, back here. Don't argue with me, boy.

Come on!

Rover, I'm telling you for the last time,

Summit is that way.

Now don't argue with me.

I saw your men sniffing around, sheriff.

And we found no sign of him, sir.

Well, maybe--

now, I don't mean to tell you your job,

but maybe you could try sniffing around with a dog.

A dog?

A dog? What a great idea.

Dogs smell really good.

What's your dog doing?

He's sleeping in my chair, why?

Well, Attila's a dog.

He can sniff out Andy's scent--

probably better than our men.

That's a brilliant conclusion.

Well, I thought so too, but thanks for saying.

And we'll need a piece of Andy's clothing.

Thank you, sir. A dog!

Hey, you.

What do you want? W-- whoa.

Didn't I give you a letter to deliver?

- I'm working on it! - Give me back my letter!

You never said when you wanted it delivered.

Young people today, they're always in a hurry.

Ha ha! Now, give me back my dollar!

In your dreams.

You paid me fair and square.

I paid you to deliver that letter!

It's not my fault you changed your mind!

- Give me my dollar! - No!

Give me back my dollar-- - no!

- Give me-- - rover, sic!

Good dog!

- That's what I paid for! - That dog is vicious!

He ought to be locked up!

I'm not in the mood!

All right, you trackers.

Watch a real tracker at work.

Go find Andy. Find him, boy.

No. Go find Andy.

Watch him, he's good.

He's just digesting the facts.

Go find Andy.

I know I can trust you to deliver this letter.

- You have an honest face. - Not a problem, Sonny.

I like your dress.

And there's fists for a worthy charity.

Out of the way, bub!

There's work to do!

It's a sign.

Hi-ho, Lucifer!

Away!

This is not a Jack, folks.

This is not a queen or even a king.

What we have here is an ace!

He's just listening, folks.

See? He's got his ear to the ground.

Don't disturb him. Let him work.

I told you!

What a nose. -

No-- now, hold it!

Don't spook him. He'll flush 'em out.

Just let him do his job.

This is a professional at work.

That's a lot of sausage.

Whoa, big stud!

Whoa.

Yahoo-ah!

Penguin lady.

Mr. Dorset?

This is for you.

- Oh. - Will there be a reply?

Half a tick, half a tick. I have to read it first, madame.

I mean, your "madame-ness."

$47.50?

Why, that little hangnail.

He thinks he can pull one over on his old man, does he?

Look at this barbarian scrawl.

Did he really think anyone would believe an adult wrote this?

Hooking up with a flim-flam man.

Oh-- oh, sorry--

flim-flam woman.

Ha!

Sending a stooge with his little note.

Well, I'll teach that little upstart.

You can't flim-flam a flim-flam man.

And in my day, I was the best.

Here you are.

A replay to end all replies.

And you can tell your little cronies I mean it, too.

I won't back down.

I'm a man of courage.

Why, in the civil war, I fought on both sides.

In fact, at the battle of Chimichanga,

I actually shot myself.

So, if you think I'm taken in

by this piteous excuse

for a disguise, think again, sir!

There's never an exorcist around when you need one.

Ah-ha!

Out of the way!

Whoo-hoo!

Bless you.

A very distinctive holy woman, indeed.

I'll be right back, old Hank.

I have to scout around for white-man spies.

Don't go far, Red Chief!

Whoa, thunderbolt, whoa!

I don't understand.

I know.

I was just lucky the noose broke.

No no, I mean the kid's father.

- What about him? - Listen to what he wrote.

"Dear ...

Fierce and desperate kidnappers."

- That's us, Sam. - Yes, I know it's us.

"I received your letter today in regard

to the ransom you ask for the return of my son.

I think you are a little high in your demands."

- I told you we were asking for too much. - Yes.

"I hereby make you a counter proposition,

which I'm inclined to believe you will accept.

You bring Andy home

and pay me $250 in cash..."

- What? - "...And I'll agree to take him off your hands.

You had better come at night,

for the neighbors believe he is lost

and I couldn't be responsible

for what they would do to anybody

they saw bringing him back.

Respectfully, Ambrose Dorset."

$250?

We've only got 37 cents left, Sam.

He mustn't realize what a spirited

and smart little fellow Red Chief is.

We owe him $268, Sam.

- Tisk, tisk, tisk. - That can't be right.

This is very puzzling.

- Hmm. - Why, Red Chief is a diamond in the rough.

Installments, we could pay him in installments.

By jiminy.

On behalf of Red Chief, I take umbrage

to his father's tone.

What would you want with his umbrella?

What are you talking about?

Sam, you just said you were going to take his umbrella.

I did not say I was going to take his umbrella!

Well, don't have a hissy fit.

I am not having a hissy fit!

And now you're having a hissy fit about having a hissy fit.

If defending the worth of a young man

to an uncaring father is interpreted

as having a hissy fit, then I, the accused,

declare myself guilty.

That'll be $20 or 20 days!

Oh, but, your honor, I swear I didn't know

she was married. -

gotcha that time, Sam.

- Cut that out. - Yeah, all right.

Sam, can we please give Red Chief back soon?

I'm starting to get sore in places

I never even knew I had. -

you leave everything to me.

You keep an eye on the kid.

I'm going in to Summit and see if I can

straighten out this entire misunderstanding.

Don't leave me alone with him again, Sam!

- Where is the kid anyhow? - He went scouting.

Well, don't let him stray too far.

The sun will be coming down soon

and we don't want him to hurt himself in the dark.

Don't leave me alone with the kid in the dark, Sam!

Sam!

Red Chief?

Red Chief!

Now folks, you shouldn't think

that Ambrose didn't care about Andy.

He was just convinced that the boy

was pulling a prank.

But I was about to bring him some news

- that would change his mind. - Ah! Sheriff.

Still no sign of the boy, Mr. Dorset

and I'm beginning to worry.

You see, I got this telegram.

I've been meaning to talk to you about that, sheriff.

- Please, sit down. - Oh, thank you.

Sheriff, I think this whole thing is a sham.

Come again?

Andy wanted to go see Buffalo Bill's wild west show.

And I said no.

And I overheard him talking, and, well,

I think he staged his own kidnapping.

Well, I certainly hope you're right.

Sure would put my mind at ease.

Well, I think I know my own son.

And enterprising young lad that he is,

I think he's hired an accomplice

to help carry out this charade.

On a certain level, you have to admire the little stinker.

Boy, I sure hope you're right.

I know he's a clever little guy

and if you say he's okay,

then I suppose I can't say otherwise.

Of course he's o-- well--

why?

Why wouldn't you think he was okay

when I just told you that he was?

Well, see, I just got this telegram.

And it seems that two killers--

Filthy McNasty and Strange Pierre

escaped from the Capitol City Jail yesterday.

- They're armed and dangerous. - Killers?

They've been known to kidnap a citizen or two

and hold them for ransom.

And they've been quite successful too,

even though their ransom notes are pretty bad.

- Fil-- Filthy-- - Filthy McNasty.

The guy's got the brains of a rock,

but he's built like a mountain.

And that Strange Pierre, he's a master of disguise.

Has he ever dressed as a nun?

Well, now, I wouldn't put it past him.

Do you know he once rustled a circus elephant

disguised as a peanut?

A nun just brought me a ransom note.

Probably a friend of Andy's, huh?

Huh.

I gave her a note back.

- Believe me, I put her in her place. - Good for you.

Yeah.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

A good meal?

No! Ransom.

Oh.

Ransom.

Andy!

I mean, Red Chief!

Whoo-hoo!

It's old Hank, Red Chief!

Red Chief, where are you?

Whoo-hoo!

Who are you guys?

Why, we're your pals, little man.

Darling, it's all my fault.

I should have known Andy wasn't capable

of such a despicable deed.

Even he can't lie that well.

Although, looking back,

I can see just how impressive

his imagination and sense of life

really are.

He has fun doing anything--

everything.

How I envy the lad.

His is a life of fun and frolic.

And there's never the threat of jail.

I never should have told him

he couldn't go see that silly show.

- Oh, dear. - I should have paid more attention to him.

Ms. Dupa, more nerve tonic please. -

...rough-housed with him.

That's what my father did with me,

but no, I had to work all the time!

Put up a good front for the town!

Well, that's all done with.

I'm going to go out and I'm going to find our son

and I'm going to bring him home! And when I do,

he's going to act like a regular boy

and I'm going to act like a regular dad!

If... that's all right with you, dear.

Oh, Ambrose.

Hearing you take charge like this--

reminds me of the man I married.

His name was Ambrose Dorset, too.

It still is, dear.

It's me.

Oh, Ambrose.

I tried to turn you into something

you were never meant to be.

You weren't meant to be a banker,

respectable citizen, someone the entire town

could look up to,

someone solid.

A role model for children.

I get the point, dear.

A paragon of virtue.

A stand-up kind of guy.

Okay, okay, I get it.

I get it.

Oh, Ambrose.

I love you so.

- Oh. - Mm.

Oh. I love you too, dear.

And we both love Andy.

So let's get him back and show him how we feel.

I shall go undercover into the bowels

of the dregs of society.

I shall delve into my bag of tricks

and slip unnoticed into the town's criminal element.

I will pound the soft white belly of the grapevine

for news of these escaped lunatics' whereabouts.

Criminals always know where the other criminals stay.

It's the unwritten code of scum.

Oh. Won't that be dangerous?

Nonsense, my dear.

I shall go back to my old ways.

I shall become, once again, a practicing thespian.

Thespian?

But that's illegal in these parts.

In fact, well, I don't see

how you can become one of those at all.

Or why.

Actor.

I'm going to become an actor again.

- Oh! - Ha!

I shall go out into the night

and mingle with those

who loiter in life's back alleys.

Thieves, low-lives, lawyers.

I shall go disguised as blind pew

from Mr. Robert Louis Stevenson's

"treasure island"--

a role I once essayed to glowing reviews.

"Mr. Dorset's blind pew

amounts to petty larceny,"

raved New Jersey's "Newark Star ledger."

Oh, Ambrose, you're my hero.

You might want to cut down on the nerve tonic a bit, dear.

Don't get up.

I know where my costumes are stored.

Yoo-hoo!

Red Chief!

Hey! Red Chief!

Strange Pierre was born in Talladega, Alabama.

For some reason, he thought he was French.

Probably the first French redneck in history.

Nobody knew where McNasty came from.

The story was, he sprang full-grown

from a witch's butt.

Why, yes, we're part of the ransom game.

Your other pals asked us to take over.

Now tell us more about your rich daddy again.

Well, he's the richest man in Summit.

Do you know where that is?

Why, yes.

It's but a hop toad's jump from here.

Well, he's the richest man there.

Probably the richest man in the county.

Why don't you tell us more

about this ransom game, Mr. Red Chief?

Hurry back, Sam.

S-- stop!

Your name has officially

been changed to leadfoot!

Mr. Dorset was mighty proud

of his pirate disguise.

How he described it was

"absolutely beyond detection. "

Ahoy, mate.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Dorset.

Any news about Andrew yet?

Uh, no. No, not a peep.

But thanks for asking.

Well, now, I'll tell you what.

The sun's about to come up

and I'm getting tired of this.

Why don't you just lead us to your papa, small fry?

Red Chief doesn't budge for the white man.

If Red Chief don't budge now,

he's never going to budge again, ever.

It's old Hank!

Yeah! - If you fellows will excuse me,

I'm taking this Indian chief, thank you.

Yay, old Hank!

Let's go.

Now, we all know

what delbert had actually seen,

but the story had sort of grown in his mind.

It's getting more and more dangerous around here.

I saw some pirates in town--

a whole shipload of them.

- That's it. - Where are you going, Pete?

I'm going home to get my shotgun.

This town's going to Hades in a hand basket

and I'm not just gonna watch it happen.

I'm personally gonna kill that little brat.

No one will recognize me in this disguise.

The New York police can attest to that fact.

- Yeah. - Oh, Ambrose.

Oh, oh, careful of the helium cylinder, dear-- -

you'll turn me into a hot air balloon.

I shall be back shortly with our son.

- Oh. - Goodbye.

Now, I don't know

about the unwritten code of scum,

as Ambrose described it, or exactly where

the bowels of the dregs of society hang out in Summit,

but Ambrose must have found them,

because he wasn't in town two minutes

before he spotted a likely kidnapper.

A kidnapper, if ever I saw one.

Hey, what's going on down there?

Who's that?

Who's down there? Hey!

Hey, get out of there!

I'm going to get my gun!

Will you shoot that man and come back to bed?

Who was that anyway?

I don't know, some guy in a really bad disguise

pretending he was a cat.

What?

Now the rumors were really flying.

The town was getting riled up.

The mailman had done his job.

Any peg-legged, one-eyed pirate

comes around here, he's going to have

no eyes and no legs!

Excuse me, pal, but I'm looking for a couple of cons.

Well, try the state penitentiary.

No, you don't get it.

These cons are loose.

Well, their morals are no concern of mine.

Now, excuse me, I have an appointment.

- Heading for this big house? - Yes. I have to straighten out a misunderstanding.

About a kidnapping?

As a matter of fact, yea-- how did you know that?

- You come with me. - What? What are you doing?!

Let go of me!

All right!

Are you Filthy or Strange?

That's rather personal.

Kidnap my son, will you?

- Mr. Dorset? - Where is he, you convict?!

I am not a convict. My name is Sam Howard.

Of course you're a convict.

There are two convicts loose in the woods and they have Andy.

My friend and I have--

- two convicts?! - Dangerous convicts.

I left Andy with my friend Bill.

- You mean Strange Pierre? - He's strange,

but his name is Bill. And he's not a convict, either.

- My little boy. - My buddy.

You're telling your story to the sheriff.

Come on. Come on.

What? Where are you taking me?

- We're going to see the sheriff! - The sheriff?!

- No no no no-- - we've got to get moving.

Come along.

Now get in! It's a horseless carriage.

Just get in.

All right, now, listen up, folks.

We've got us a missing child here.

No shipload of pirates, no arabian knights

and no Mongolian hordes.

Now let's just get ourselves together.

Sheriff!

Sheriff! Everybody! Sheriff!

Sheriff! Sheriff!

There's an army of hunchbacks! They're on the move!

Calm down! Calm down!

There's a lot of wild rumors flying around here tonight.

Let's just stay calm until we can determine the facts.

Who's that?

Sheriff!

Sheriff! Sheriff!

Now don't you move.

Sheriff! -

sheriff!

Ah, sheriff.

No! - No no-- it's me.

Look, see?

Of all the times for a disguise to work.

Step on the gas!

- Come on! - The peddle! Step on the peddle.

- Go! - They're stealing Mr. Dorset's car!

Don't let them get away!

- Can you lead me to Andy? - Yes, sir.

I'm going to have to trust you.

- They're shooting at us. - Oh, no kidding.

What was your first clue?

The noise. Oops.

Desist!

Stop with the shooting! -

- nothing can stop us now. - This might.

- Step on the brake! - What?

The brake! The peddle! The peddle!

Lean on the peddle! -

Look at my beautiful automobile.

Look at those guys with the guns and bullets!

Muzzy Dorset! Muzzy Dorset!

Putty putty horsey!
- What?

No no, just--

slow down! Slow down!

One horsey go cloppity cloppity--

- yes? - Chase putty horsey, kidnappened him!

No. Oh, no.

Oh, Andrew! Andrew!

I'm pooped. -

we're done for.

I don't know the meaning of the word defeat.

It means we're done for.

Now, it's a little known fact, but right there

in our tiny town of Summit, Missouri,

began the world's first car chase scene.

God forgive us.

The horses! Get the horses!

Stop! Stop!

Hold it!

Hee-aw! Giddyup! -

Wait. I think we lost them.

Think again!

Get off me.

Ow!

Hey, bad guys! Look here!

Look out!

- Let's go, old Hank! - Okay.

The mine's up there on the Ridge.

Well, grab onto something solid

and hold on for dear life.

Which way did he go? How do I know?

This way! All right, why not?

Trapped like rats!

I hate rats.

Old Hank,

I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine.

Pleased to meet ya.

They're not playing, are they?

Uh-uh.

- Are we in trouble? - Uh-huh.

What are we going to do? - Help!

Help!

Don't be such a sissy-boy.

Look, I'm not the one wearing the beret.

I spit in your general direction.

Yeah? Well, I throw a rock in yours.

Keep throwing at them.

- Help me. - Ow!

Grab every rock you can find.

Ow-ho-ho! Whoo!

Ow-how-how!

Oh, take it! Look out!

Hey!

Rocks! Give me another rock!

Never mind, let's get out of here!

Help!

I'm going to have his gizzard on a stick.

At last, a good meal.

Hyah! Team! Hyah!

No one's there. It's deserted.

Shh! - Help! Help!

That's Andy!
- Help! Help!

It's Bill.

Hey, it's coming down from there in the ravine!

-Let her rip, Mr. Dorset.
- Hurry!

Wait a minute!

Wait wait! Red Chief, what are you doing?!

It's a beehive!

Well, throw it at them!

Hey! It's a bomb!

Run! Throw it!

- We got 'em! Help! - Help!

- Help! - Help!

Save us!

Help!

Help us!

Help!

Red Chief, Red Chief,

I can't run anymore.

I'm going to stay here and fight them off.

I want you to head up toward that crest.

When you get to the top of it,

you run like a goat boy's chasing after you

and don't stop for nothing.

- What about you? - Don't worry about me.

I'll be fine. Sam's gonna be here any minute now.

I can feel it in my kidneys.

No. Red Chief will fight to the death

by old Hank's side.

Couldn't we just fight until the slight injury?

Whatever.

Over yonder!

Help!

Help us! Save us!

They're down there!

No no no! This way!

We meet again, old Hank.

Halt, white men. It's time to talk Turkey.

What's that noise?

It's the helium! The helium!

What kept ya?
- Whoa!

Whoa-ho!

- We flew, mom! We flew! - I know.

Dad's a hero, mom! He saved me

and Sam and Bill too!

Dearest, this is Mr. Howard and Mr. Driscoll.

We owe them a great debt. -

whoa. Whoa. All right, hold it right there.

Who are you guys?

- Are you all right, Mr. Dorset? - Fine.

Come on, stand up with your hands in the air!

Please don't shoot, Mr. Sheriff, sir.

Where are you going? -

- Andrew, no! - Where are you going?

No no! - Here are your convicts...

...Mr. Sheriff, sir.

Why, it's Filthy McNasty and Strange Pierre.

But who are you two?

Well, you see, it all started back in St. Louis.

We were both abandoned by our parents.

Orphans of the storm.

Yes, sir. We met in an orphanage, actually.

- The Sisters of-- of-- - of-- of the Dim Hopes.

Yes, exactly. The Dim Hope, sir.

Is this going to be a long story?

- Well-- - you could tell him about Kokomo.

No no! - You two are under arrest.

No! No!

Don't let him arrest them, pop!

They're my best and only playmates!

It's okay, boy.

Put the cuffs away, sheriff.

These two men are old friends of mine.

I haven't seen them in years.

They decided to pay me a surprise visit.

Yes, indeed.

Imagine my astonishment when they turned up.

Could have knocked me over with a feather.

Well, if that's what you want, Mr. Dorset,

it's fine with me.

- Good day, sir. - Thank you, sir.

Everybody, let's go home.

Andrew, that was quite an adventure.

- Tell me all about it. - They chased us, mom.

- Were you scared? - Me? Nah.

But Bill was kind of scared.

And that's the way our adventure ended, folks.

Everyone was pretty pleased.

Like one big happy family.

Oh, yeah.

Our town of Summit got two new sterling citizens

out of the deal, too.

Come on, Muldoon.

♪ ...we bought

♪ were so gallantly screaming ♪

♪ and the Robins' dead stares ♪

♪ from those mounting in hair ♪

♪ gave prunes to rat blight ♪

♪ that our dragons are bare ♪

♪ oh say, does that man strangle ♪

♪ hammers lie bleeding

♪ oh, the lambs, they are for free ♪

♪ and the bombs in the cake. ♪

And so by the powers invested in me,

I now pronounce you

deputy Sam and deputy Bill.

Ow.

And because of conspicuous bravery

at a time of grave danger,

- and by the powers invested in me-- - you said that.

I take great pride in presenting you

with the key to our city.

- What's that? - It's my key.

I lost the big one.

Uh, it's a small city.

Oh... I'm overwhelmed by this honor.

Ditto.

Smile.

Congratulations, men.

Congratulations! - Don't forget to look in on the old homestead

while we're gone, huh?

And done!

Bye! Okay, Buffalo Bill,

- here we come! - Yahoo!

Yes! Yahoo! Quite!

You'll get the hang of it, dear.

You just need a little practice.

Nicky-picky-Nicky.

- I beg your pardon? - Nicky-picky.

It's a picnic for our trip, dear.

Ah! Indeed. Thank you, Ms. Dupa.

And your English is improving.

Well, what culinary delights await us today?

Sam! Bill!

My stalwart friends, a little token of my esteem.

- Thank you. - Good luck.

Thank you. Bye!

Bye! Bye-bye!

Bye! Bye!

The rewards of a day well spent.

Mrs. Dorset!

- Mrs. Dorset! - Mrs. Dorset!