The Randomer (2016) - full transcript

- These homes would be
bought up by young couples,

so after few years there
would tend to be what?

- A lot of children.

- Exactly.

That old merry-go-round.

And soon, these children
will reach school going age,

and who has to deal with that problem?

The state.

In other words, the tax payer ends up

subsidizing the private developer.

Sorry. - Hi.



Fucking students.

Well, actually, one fucking student.

Anyway, you look great.

You've lost all the baby weight already.

- Well actually-

- What'll you have?

- Oh I was wondering,
will we move on from here?

- Oh, why?

- Well, you know, just
somewhere where we can...

You know, where it's...

You know.

There's a place nearby
I was reading about,

the cake cafe.

- Oh, they'll be closed already.



- Oh, right.

- Why didn't you say?

I could've met you somewhere earlier.

- No, no, no, no, this is your choice.

This is your treat.

- Oh yeah, but Regina, I really meant it

when I said I didn't want
to hear anything mentioned-

- I didn't mention anything.

- And besides, I could've
met you anywhere, anyway.

I couldn't care less.

I mean, I don't mean it like that.

I mean that I would be
happy to meet you anywhere.

- Yeah, yeah.

No, I know, this is one of your hangouts.

It's cool.

I'm easy.

- We could go to Green
19 and have a starter.

You want to eat?

- Well, Christina's keeping an eye on

a slow cooked casserole for me, so...

- Jesus, there must be one of
these places that would suit.

- I mean I'm not fussy.

You know I'm not fussy.

Just somewhere, you
know, where we can have

a nice, quiet chat.

It is nice here.

Yeah, I like it.

- Great.

Pity we left.

- Hmm?

- It's a pity we left.

- Anyway, here you go.

- What's this?

- Nothing, a votive offering.

- Regina, is there any point in me

ever saying anything to you about-

- You said no mention of...

The words haven't passed my lips.

Promise kept.

You can't expect me not to,
you know, mark the occasion.

- Why not?

I'm not.

Thanks.

Now what'll you have?

- I dunno, what are
people having these days?

You, you decide.

No, no, no, wait.

Actually a tonic water with a slice.

Of lime.

Thanks.

- Tonic water, slice of lime.

Teddy.

- Oh.

- I must let him know
where we've ended up.

- So I might as well.

You're gonna be an auntie again.

- Hmm?

- 10 weeks gone.

- What?

Didn't you just like have thingy, las...

- Lasaríona.

- Lasaríona, just a few months ago?

- Seven months.

Last Wednesday.

- Yeah, don't you need a breather?

- You know I want loads of kids.

- You already have loads of kids.

- Four.

- Yeah four is big loads.

- No, I wouldn't mind
six or seven actually.

Don't you remember how
amazing it was growing up?

- I remember mam being forever
pregnant and miserable.

- No, she wasn't.

- Reg, you were the last.

Like for the first six years of my life,

I don't remember mam not being pregnant.

- You didn't even know what
pregnant was at that point.

- Exactly.

I just thought mam was fat.

I mean, that's what I
thought mothers were,

fat women.

God, would you not enjoy
the four you have first?

- You can't even bring yourself
to say congratulations.

- Congratulations.

- That's not funny.

- So that's what this little get together

is all about, is it?

Congratulations Regina.

Whatever happened to no
this is your treat, Meg.

- Well you don't want a treat.

You wouldn't even let me say birthday.

I'm some sort of freak
because I want to be a mother.

Peadar and me are so boring, aren't we?

Saving up for a nice
house in a small road.

And in case you haven't realized,

which you probably already have,

I hate meeting you in these places.

Hate it!

- I'm sorry for being a stroppy old cow.

A 39 year old cow.

There, I've said it.

- No.

You're right, it's nothing.

It's only a number.

- And, I promise I'll come visit Peadar

and the sprogs very, very soon.

- They'd love that, really.

- I'm sure they talk of little else.

- I'm telling you.

Cara thinks you're the most glamorous,

exotic auntie anyone has ever had.

I heard her showing off to her pal Nadia.

My aunt Meg is a flanner and she thinks-

- A flanner?

Does she mean a flaneur?

- I assume so.

And she lives in an
apartment with her boyfriend.

I mean, did you say something
to her about a flaneur?

What exactly is that?

Never quite understood
what that meant, but I...

Oh, bye.

- Hello there, pretty lady.

- What timing.

- I was actually lurking in a dark corner.

I didn't want to interrupt
that sister sister moment.

All those tender kissy kissys.

Beautiful.

Moved me, very deeply.

- Right.

Yeah.

She's pregnant again.

- Jesus.

Hasn't it only been like seven weeks?

- Seven months, but broadly, I'm with you.

- It's a disease, right?

- I nearly said that.

I so nearly said something
along those lines.

Oh, and in more good news,

we have a definite pencil for lunch.

- No, no, no, no, not
out and way beyond in...

What do you call it?

Stand away,

depper,

hopper,

what is it?

- You know it's Stepaside.

- Oh yeah, cause that really
sounds a lot more normal.

- Take me to dinner.

- After you, my pretty lady.

- The worst thing is it's the first time

I have to say to someone, you know,

like out loud, and it'll sound like a lie,

cause you know, it's that kind of age.

So whoever I'm telling
is gonna be thinking,

yeah, sure, she's in her forties.

Poor thing, still hanging on.

- Hey, hey, hey.

No one's gonna think or say
you're in your forties, okay?

- But that's what saying
you're 39 means to people.

It's like a fake age.

So then I try to sound convincing.

Oh no, no, actually I
really am honestly 39.

So now they're thinking ooh,

the lady doth protest too much me thinks.

Or at least they'll say that
if they knew their Shakespeare.

But you get the idea.

- Sure it was Shakespeare who said that?

I'm pretty sure it was Leonard Cohen.

Off the album.

Happy birthday.

- Oh, Jesus.

There was something solid in that one.

Move those 40 year old legs.

- 39.

- If you stop moving them
they're gonna waste away.

Have you started doing water aerobics yet?

- Oh, Jesus, my laptop.

Okay, I'll have to go back and just see

if there's something in there.

- It closed hours ago, babe.

- Is this what's gonna
start happening to me now,

that I'm just gonna
start losing all my shit?

- Yeah, it's been happening for years.

Meg, relax.

It's gonna be fine, okay?

Let's go home.

I'll help you relax.

- Teddy time?

- No, no, no.

Ssh.

The lesbian's are up later.

- Stop it.

You don't know anything.

- I do.

And they are.

Lesbians.

- They're lesbians?

They're lesbians.

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

Ssh.

- Cause we only suspect
that they might be lesbians.

But we're talking and she says, "Robbie."

So then I'm thinking, there's a guy,

okay, there's a guy.

And she's saying like, you know,

"Robbie, Robbie, Robbie, Robbie, Robbie."

Then she says, "My partner, Roberta."

Mm-hmm.

- Teddy.

If we go home, we don't need to whisper.

- Right.

- Hi.

Hey.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

How are ya?

Hola!

Hello!

I'm just from across the hall

and wanted to welcome you to the building.

- Oh, yes.

I think you were talking
to my boyfriend yesterday.

He said that he-

- No, that was Shirley.

My wife, Shirley.

Oh my gosh, he was really
welcoming, she said.

- Well, of course.

I'm Meg.

- Oh sorry, Roberta.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh, are these for us?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, I dunno what to say.

This is really...

Oh my gosh.

- It's just to say hello, and
you know, if you ever need...

- Yeah, but you don't realize how...

Oh I'm terribly sorry.

Come in, come in.

- I wasn't sure if wine
was appropriate or...

- Wine, no problem.

Chocolates, no problem.

Oh, and those flowers.

They are so beautiful.

This is just so unbelievably...

I'm sorry.

Sorry, but this is so precious.

So wonderful.

After all we've been through,
to experience this kind of...

Oh, I just wish Shirley was here.

She'd be furious she missed the moment.

- Oh, hold on.

Would you, I'm not being rude,
I promise, just 20 seconds.

15 even.

Well, 17.

Just have to...

Fine.

In the land of nod.

- Oh.

I'm sorry, is Shirley asleep?

- No, Shirley's at work.

But if you don't mind hanging on,

maybe have a little drink,

she might get back before you leave.

If she gets back and sees
all this and you're gone

she'll be absolutely moody
moo for the whole night.

We'll open this anyway
and just let it breathe.

- I don't wanna wake, um...

- Robbie.

- Robbie?

- You want to see him?

- Yeah.

- Come on.

My firm was happy to facilitate me,

whereas Shirley would have had to give up

her job completely, so, I'm house mum.

Poor me.

Oh, I don't mean that.

You know I didn't mean
it like that don't you?

Did I sound awful?

Oh, gosh. - Not at all.

- Relax.

Believe me, I couldn't imagine
doing what you're doing.

Everything you've had to give up.

- Hi!

Wonderful.

Hi sweets.

- I'm just so wrecked.

I just...

Oh.

- Hiya, welcome
home, just in time.

- Am I?

- Look what Meg brought.

- Who are you?

- Meg's our neighbor from across the hall.

You met Meg's partner last night.

- Oh, right, sorry.

He was tight.

What was his name again?

- Teddy.

- To be honest, I'm fucking crap at names.

- Meg.

- Right, yeah.

See the way it is with me,
until I get to know the person,

like their full personality,
I'm kind of wary, yeah.

But once I see you're all right.

- Although if she doesn't,
she might hit you.

- Oh, no.

You'd have to really get up
my nose before I did that.

Were you telling her about
the guy or the tramp?

- No, I hadn't mentioned.

She's talking about our last landlord.

I can't even sully my mouth with his name.

Although strictly speaking,
it probably was assault.

But you'd be the first to put
your hands up, right sweets?

- Happy to.

Delighted.

- She broke his nose.

That's why I got so...

Flip.

I got teary earlier when I
saw Meg with all this is.

Isn't it so nice to be
made feel welcome, sweets?

Those flowers.

- They're gorgeous.

Top of the class.

And the wine's pretty hardcore too.

Ro was right.

If you knew half of what that
Kerry toerag put us through...

Was that me?

Was that my fault?

- No, he just wakes.

- Was I too fuckin' loud?

- It's too far.

It's too far away.

Look at those poor kids.

They've no hope.

I don't see hope in
anyone's eyes out here, Meg.

One guy.

One guy at the stop, trying
to get out of Kilmacanogue.

- Are we by the sea?

- No.

That's just for people
who are swimming in debt.

Welcome to the place where dreams die.

- The secret to this...

You might think I'm
silly but it's actually

a good relationship with your butcher.

- Really?

- Oh yes.

A man should have a good
relationship with a butcher.

They don't keep the good stuff out front.

- Pass to me you mean.

Pass to me.

- Going to have a little sleep?

Are you going to go for a little sleep?

- Auntie Meg.

- Hmm?

- Can I ask you something?

- Yeah.

- Mummy says you were too
poor to have a barbecue

when you were small.

Is that true?

- Well, do you know something,

we wouldn't have had a
notion of what a barbecue was

if it wasn't for the Donovans.

Do you remember them?

- Oh the Donovan's at number 57.

- Yeah.

They used to keep a pig, a lovely fat pig.

- In the house?

- Sometimes, but mostly in the garden.

Now he was a little piglet at first,

and then he wouldn't stop eating

and he just grew and grew and grew.

And then one day, the
Donovans' house went on fire.

Now luckily everyone managed to escape,

and of course the whole street
came out to have a gawk.

I was standing there like this,

when then suddenly...

I got this magical smell.

Sniff.

What do you smell right now?

- The barbecue.

- Exactly.

And what I smelled that
day was very similar.

The tantalizing aroma of sizzling bacon.

- Was the pig...

- Meg!

- Trapped in the fire!

And the street, the whole street suddenly

got this strange craving for rashers.

People had to be stopped
from running into the fire

to grab fistfuls of roast pork.

I think of that day as my first barbecue.

- Would you not buy some condoms?

You know what I mean?

Put an end to this perpetual kiddy fest.

- Well, it's certainly a thought.

- Get us a beer, Cara.

- Well, there you go.

I mean, who'd get your beer?

- Auntie Meg, can I come to
your apartment for a sleepover?

- Cara, cheeky.

- I'd be delighted, only, I
don't think you'd like it.

I think you'd be bored.

- No I wouldn't.

- Yes you would.

- No I wouldn't.

- Totally bored.

- I promise, I wouldn't.

Please. - Cara, enough.

- It's okay, Regina.

You think you wouldn't hate it,

but secretly you'd want to
go to the shopping center,

and I never go there.

- I promise I won't
want to go to the shops.

- So what, you're gonna pretend

that you're having a good time?

- Yes.

No.

I won't be pretending.

Please!

- Regina?

- Are you serious?

- That wasn't too bad, actually.

- Yeah?

- It was like, it was
just like a shite gig.

You know, you just remind yourself

it's gonna be over in a few hours.

Get through it.

- Teddy.

- Mm?

- Teddy.

- Talk to me, I want you so much now.

- Teddy, no.

Listen.

- I'm listening.

You want Teddy time?

- Teddy.

I'm off the pill.

- Jesus Christ.

You wanted to initiate a conversation,

that's not initiating,

that's like breaking off
diplomatic relations.

- It just seems to me that if
we're going to discuss this

then we should just go back,
you know, to the beginning and-

- What beginning?

You were on the pill when I met you.

In fact, you put it out there first,

not long after hello.

Children, no thanks.

Not interested.

- Yeah sure, and then-

- Which was fine by me.

And we've been fine ever since.

Fuck, we've been brilliant.

- Sure.

But, that was five years ago.

So what's the problem with actually just,

you know, starting a conversation

about the possibility of maybe-

- Starting a conversation,
initiating a discussion.

What is this, the European parliament?

I mean I propose we have a child.

I second that proposition.

- Oh, okay.

Yeah, that's fine.

Bye bye.

- What are you...

You can't just...

Meg, hold on.

Pants.

Meg.

Meg.

I'm just trying to figure out

where all of this is suddenly coming from.

Huh?

Don't tell me your sister's
finally gotten to you, has she?

Do you really fancy living
out in park and ride towns

spending two hours every day on the Luas,

coming in listening to a podcast

about how petunias
brightened up the garden.

I mean, for Christ sake, Meg.

Seriously think about it.

Who do you know who is as lucky as us,

who is as free as us,
living where we live,

right in the heart of it.

City's ours day and night.

It's the dream.

- Who said anything about moving?

- Oh you see us herding
sprogs down Camden?

- Roberta and Shirley take
Robbie out all the time.

- Oh fuck, I see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we're keeping up with
the lesbians now, are we?

Little Robbie stole your heart.

Meg, they got him off a fucking website.

- Teddy.

Stop it, right now, okay?

I'm on my way to work and I want you

to stop trailing after me.

- Baby, I'm not trailing after
you, I'm walking with you.

I'm taking a stroll in the
city with my girlfriend.

We're starting a conversation.

Meg, what we have is brilliant.

You and me.

You can feel that, yeah.

I'm not wrong.

Maybe I don't...

I don't say it enough 'cause I...

You're enough for me.

- Vanessa?

- Hi.

- Hey.

You're in luck, I finished early.

- How awesome for you.

- Great.

Good to be back.

How is he?

- Listen.

Like an angel.

- Great.

So, see you tomorrow?

- Okay.

I can go?

- Absolutely, yeah.

- So, for a hundred euro,

you get access to the database.

- And how many guys is that?

- This website's about 400.

- So it's basically a nightclub

crammed full of available men.

- That's what you said, remember?

- And how do you choose?

- What do you think?

The fittest, the smartest, the blondiest.

- Ignore her.

A healthy child was our first priority.

- It's all healthy, hun.

Buckets of lovely healthy sperm on tap.

The only question is do you choose

the tall blonde professor of economics

or the tall blonde PhD in viking studies?

- Don't make it sound so calculating.

It wasn't like that at all.

- It's okay, I get it already.

It's an Aladdin's cave.

And I mean, sure enough,
he's so beautiful.

- But the point is he'd be
beautiful to us no matter what.

- Will you give it up?

Meg knows the story.

We don't have to be ashamed.

We would've been mad to pick a
hairy arsed builder's laborer

when we were being offered Stefan's juice.

Six foot three, University of Copenhagen,

which Ro says is one
of the top five or six

universities in Europe.

- It's number 22.

But I didn't make a big
deal of it or anything.

- Sorry, yeah.

And what was his PhD in?

Some molecules thing.

- Molecular biology and protein chemistry.

- You can tell, can't you?

Those details didn't mean
anything to her at all.

- That is so unfair.

- That's why you chose it.

- Well, it
worked because Robbie's

really advanced for his age.

I saw him knitting last night.

- Good fella.

- I've been thinking.

Sperm bank, you know,
it's a great idea and all,

and like obviously it worked
out great for you guys, but...

- Not for you.

- You want a relationship?

- No, I mean, not at least if it's just

a way of getting pregnant.

You know, that wouldn't be
a relationship to me, but...

And anyway, what are
the odds of, you know,

having casually dumped
one longtime boyfriend-

- No, no, no.

You did not casually do that.

- Well, you know.

That I would find another one more perfect

and be ready to start a family, you know,

soonish, I suppose.

At the same time, you know,
I want something half real.

So,

how about the beautiful passing stranger?

Beautiful is fine, obviously.

And passing stranger might be
exactly what I'm looking for,

you know?

A sperm bank with benefits.

You know, there'd be a memory of something

hopefully very nice.

Maybe even a few laughs.

And I might get lucky.

How many guys are on that website?

- 400.

- Right.

So there must be at least
that many good-looking,

fertile men hanging
around Dublin every night.

And yeah, I am fully aware
that this may seem a bit...

- Random?

- Actually, I was gonna say shallow,

but you know, random sounds better.

Yeah.

- Just one moment.

- Oh.

No, no, no.

There's no need.

- No, it's okay.

- It's okay.

It's not necessary.

- I like it.

It's fine for me.

It's my respect for you.

- So...

- You obviously put your Tinder photo up

a couple of years ago was it?

- When was the last time you had some fun?

You and me.

- I get very nervous when I'm
around beautiful older women.

- I'm not really, you know, active,

or how would you say,
animated, down there.

- Dad had a bit of a problem, but,

nothing like mom nowadays.

Schizo.

Literally, like.

- But it doesn't really
go into the scaffolding.

- They say it's possibly, I might have it.

I don't know.

I don't think I have it.

Not really.

Probably won't have it, but...

It's probably in her
bloodline, all right yeah.

- Yeah, I don't know.

I voted no.

- I expect it to change soon though,

with a bit of intimacy and a few drinks.

- Like, I don't believe
in sex before marriage,

which is probably...

Maybe I should have
put that on my profile.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

- Yeah, do you like...

Would you like to get married, or?

- So, Meg.

Mystic Meg.

Can you predict what's gonna
happen with me and you tonight?

- Oh, God.

- Or dinner or something?

- Yeah, well just
see how the night's going.

- Do you know them?

- They're my students.

You go on ahead, I'll
catch you up, all right?

Okay.

- Meg.

- Do you mind not mortifying me in public?

- We love you, Meg.

- Ah.

Now y'all look horribly familiar,

but should I know you?

- Ooh, well, have you
ever been to Mullingar?

- Bog man.

Up for the weekend.

Looking for Copper Face Jacks.

One drink.

Come on.

One drink.

One drink.

- Ah, go on.
- Go on.

- One drink.
- One drink, come on.

- A man was just stood
right in the corner.

- In the corner.

That's hilarious.

- Oh, there she is.

- I'd say there's nothing
like this in Mullingar.

- What?

Oh, hi.

Wow, I didn't...

Sorry.

I didn't catch what you was...

- I said there's probably
nothing like this in Mullingar.

Although I might be wrong.

- I don't know.

I doubt it.

Oh.

No, sorry, I see what you mean.

You think I'm...

- It's fine, like don't be embarrassed.

- No, I'm not embarrassed.

It's just that I'm not like, I'm not gay.

- It's okay, look, if you
don't want to actually-

- Jesus.

Look, a friend of mine from home who is...

Where is he?

Look, he's living in Dublin,

and I'm bunking in his
gaff for a couple of days.

Honestly you don't believe me, do you?

Well, he texted me to say he
might score with this randomer.

Ah look, him there.

That's Colmcille.

Anyway, if he's not going
back to his tonight,

I'll need his keys, so
that's why I'm here.

To get them.

That's it.

- Mm-hmm.

- You can believe me or not.

- I believe you.

I do.

Do you want me to get you a
drink while you catch his eye?

- Oh, no no, let me.

Jameson with ice please, and...

- Thanks, make that two.

And two Camparis with
soda and a dash of lime.

You might regret not being gay.

I'd say you'd be very popular here.

- Yeah, maybe.

So, who's your girlfriend?

- Me?

Oh no, I'm not gay either.

- Hey, it's fine.

It's not a problem.

- No no really, honestly I'm...

All right, okay, okay.

Tables turned, I get it.

I know you're messing with me now.

You don't really think...

- The lady does protest
too much, me thinks.

- What?

- It's a quote.

- I know.

So you know your Shakespeare.

- I wouldn't go that far.

I just did Hamlet for my leading.

Ah, about time.

Anyway, nice meeting you again.

- You too.

- See ya.

- You got your keys.

- I got my keys, yeah.

- What's your name?

- Ray.

- Roberta, Shirley.

This is Ray.

He's straight, apparently.

- Are you serious?

- Why, do I look gay or something?

- Relax.

She was only inquiring.

- What, do you think it's a
fucking insult or something?

- Shirl.

Easy now.

- I'm only messing with you.

I'm only fucking messing with you.

- She is only messing.

So how do you know Len?

- Len?

- Len, the guy I was
talking to outside the bar.

- Oh, I don't.

Just the old smoke and chat.

- So your only friend in Dublin is gay

and he's left you to your own devices.

- Yeah.

Your first time here?

- Yeah.

- There's not many of these in Mullingar.

- Meg.

- Don't ask.

Me ma's staying the whole
night and for some reason

we have to leave and go home this second.

- No.

No, no, I didn't say that.

You can stay here with these if you want.

- You see the puss on her
face for the last hour?

You'd think she'd enjoy the break.

- Oh I did.

I did, but I've just had enough fun.

I miss Robbie.

- And I love her and Robbie
more than I love drink.

See you.

Don't waste your time there.

Look into those eyes.

Loves a cock that fella.

Believe me.

- Oh.

- Let me get that.

Here, let me get that.

- Wait, hold on.

Let me get a condom.

- It's okay.

Yeah, no. - Are you sure?

You don't have to, yeah.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Sorted.

- Well...

- Well you're not gay, anyway.

- Great.

Great.

I wasn't sure until now.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm turned.

- You just needed to test it?

- Yes.

Yes.

I like what you have.

- Oh thank you.

Thank you.

- Oh, my God, what are you doing?

You have got to be joking me.

Ray.

Seriously?

Did you take a...

You cannot take a photo.

- I didn't, I deleted it.

I deleted it.
- Give me the phone.

I deleted it.
- Give me the phone.

I did, I swear.

- Show me the phone.

Ray, I swear to God.
- It's gone.

You can't. - It's gone.

- Meg.

Meg?

Hey, sorry to wake you,
it's just Colmcille.

He's back at his place
and he can't get in.

Do you know if you'd wanna give me a text

or a call or anything
like that, that'd be cool.

- Yeah, sure.

Fuck.

Oh my gosh.

Oh, God.

- Hi, hi.

Is everything still okay for the weekend?

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Of course.

- Cara's driving me mad.

She's so excited!

- Oh, look, is this a bad time to call?

- No.

No, no.

Just filling up the dishwasher.

Keep talking.

- Alright, well...

I'm pregnant.

Hi! - Hi!

- Here we are, at last.

- Welcome to my apartment.

Make yourself at home
and have a look around.

- Take your shoes off.

Good girl.

- Wow, so she's moving in.

- Oh look, it's better to have
it than to be looking for it.

- Sure.

- Oh here.

I told her Uncle Teddy was
away on tour, by the way.

- Okay.

- So, how are ya?

- Oh, fine.

Actually, I'm fantastic.

How are you?

- What?

Fine, obviously.

But that's hardly what I
wanted to talk to you...

- Can I go to the balcony?

- No.

Have you seen your bedroom yet?

- Right behind you.

- So...

- What?

- Tell me.

- What?

- Meg!

- What?

- Oh.

My news.

Well, I'm delighted.

- Are you really?

- Yeah.

Really.

Aren't you pleased for me?

- Of course I am.

Oh God, you know I am.

But you can hardly expect
me not to be surprised.

I mean, when did this
change of mind happen?

- Well-

- What about you and Teddy?

- Oh, that's-

- And who is the...

Hey.

Did you like your room?

- It's brilliant.

Can I go to the balcony now?

- Okay, but don't lean over.

- Well, it's not even a balcony.

It's more like big windows, actually.

- Well?

- What?

- I assume Teddy isn't the father.

- You know Teddy wasn't
interested in having children.

- I thought either of you were.

- True, but I've been going
through a process about that.

- Really?

- And Teddy wasn't interested

and seemed to think that
I shouldn't be either.

Oh.

- Ah!

Cara!

Aunt Meg is not gonna let you stay

unless you behave yourself.

- I wasn't gonna fall over!

- Bring your bags into your room, please.

So who's the father?

When are we gonna meet him?

Don't tell me it's complicated.

- No, no, it's the
opposite of complicated.

- Don't tell me he's married.

- No, definitely not married.

- Well then?

- It was a one night stand.

I know his first name.

He's young.

- Oh Jesus.

- No, not young like that.

He's mid, mid, late-ish 20s.

- Meg, don't tell me
you're not gonna tell him.

- It wouldn't be fair on the guy.

And actually it's what I want.

You know, it's...

It really is all good.

Ooh, can you believe
how grateful your mum is

that I'm taking you off
your hands for the night?

- Pizza!

Pizza, pizza!

Is he coming with the pizza?

- That wasn't the pizza guy.

- But why does he keep buzzing?

- Because he doesn't know
that he's made a mistake.

- Can't you tell him?

- He'll figure it out.

Oh shit.

Shit shit shit.

- Auntie Meg!

- Now we're going to be doing
a lot of walking today, okay?

So if you feel tired
you just have to say so

because that's okay.

And we can take a break at any time.

And if you need to do number one

or a number two you just say so,

and if I need to do a
number one or a number two,

I will say so as well.

- My hat!

I've never been so tired in my whole life.

- Yeah well now you
realize how difficult it is

for your poor auntie.

You know, the life of the flaneur
involves a lot of walking.

I don't have anyone picking me up

and driving me about
like a little princess.

- Who's that?

- That is my friend from work.

- Hi.

- Hi.

What a surprise.

Cara, meet Ray, my friend from work.

- Hi Cara.

Yeah I work with your mammy.

- Oh, I don't have any...

Cara's my niece.

- Is she your niece the same
way I'm your friend from work?

- Funny.

I don't remember you as a smart Alec.

- Oh, but you do remember me.

- So Ray is, he's not
gonna be staying long

because he's just picking up the thing.

- Thing.

- Yeah, the thing, right?

So as I said, Ray, won't be staying long

because we've been out all day

and we're really tired and very hungry.

- This will be delicious.

Let's see what we have.

We have some...

- Bread.

- Yeah.

- Salt.

- Some salt, nice.

- And pepper.

- Some pepper.

- Ooh.

And I can't spell this.

- Okay, we'll call these secret spices

carefully selected from
Auntie Meg's kitchen.

And a lemon.

Some milk.

Okay, I think we've everything we need.

Nice.

I think you're a better
cook than Auntie Meg.

Do you want some salad?

Does anyone want some more salad?

- No, I'm fine.
- Yeah, Cara...

- You want more salad.

You love salad.

- Do you?

- Yep.

How about this much?

- I'll tell you a secret Meg.

Cara told me that she's
a better cook than you.

- No I didn't!

- You what?

- What?

- If your mother heard
you talking like that

she would kill you.

- I know.

- Oh, my God.

- Ooh, don't forget the thing.

- Sorry?

- The thing you
said Ray came to collect.

- Yeah, thanks Cara.

We nearly forgot the thing.

Meg, get the thing.

- Right.

- I enjoyed that.

- You certainly gave that impression.

- No, seriously.

It was fun.

Okay, not as much as last
time, but you know...

Might be another month or so before I can

get a weekend off work.

- What do you do?

- I was hoping you'd tell me.

You know, with us being workmates,

obviously involves a lot of stapling.

- Sorry.

Look, that was...

Listen, to be totally honest with you-

- No, no, I know.

Hanging around on people's
doorsteps isn't so great.

Especially when you look like me.

- No, what?

No, no listen, that's
not what I meant at all.

Jesus.

Look, I don't want to see anyone

lurking on my doorstep when I come home.

- Okay, never again.

Just I, I didn't have your number,

and I really wanted to see you again.

I don't know, something connected.

But next time I'll call first,

we'll do all the normal stuff.

Jesus, it's a bit embarrassing.

I don't need to type in your surname

'cause you're the only Meg in my phone.

It's a bit weird not knowing.

Hi, I'm Ray Kirby..

- Daly.

Listen-

- Whatever you're gonna say,
just don't say it right now.

Let's just, you know, see what happens.

Maybe I won't even call you.

Well, no, that's not even a possibility,

but maybe when I call
you you'll be delighted

or I'll send you a text out of the blue

and it might be the right
thing at the right time.

- How old are you, Ray?

- 26.

- You should be going
to Copper Face Jack's.

- Maybe I am.

- Good for you.

Go for it.

You can keep the stapler.

- Thanks.

Say goodbye to Cara for me.

- I will.

- Where did you disappear
to and telling no one?

- I know.

I'm sorry.

But that's why I'm here.

- How so?

- To catch you going on your break.

- Oh yeah?

How about just calling by the apartment

if you wanted to see us?

- I didn't want to risk it.

Has anyone been looking for me?

- I fucking knew it.

I said it to Ro.

I told her that was what was going on.

The man is stalking you, isn't he?

It was obviously he didn't believe us

when we told him we hadn't
a clue where you were.

- Is this Ray you're talking about?

- The black guy.

Mullingar, yeah.

Fucking brilliant.

If this fella's stalking ya,
just get the cops onto him.

- How often did he call round?

- We saw him once.

- Once?

- A couple of weeks ago.

- You said stalking.

- Well he could have
been hanging around more.

Like in the shadows.

- Shirley, like once is not stalking.

The poor guy, he's grand.

He's lovely.

- Then what's the story then?

- Well, I gave him my number
and then I regretted it,

and so I changed my number.

You know.

- Yeah when we said we
couldn't get through to you,

he didn't believe us.

Probably cause it's pretty
fucking unbelievable.

He asked for an envelope.

He'd written something on
it, in case you meet her.

Now that is stalkery, like.

- Depends on what's in it.

Do you have it?

- Oh yeah.

I keep it here, close to my heart.

It's at home.

- I'm really sorry if I worried you.

I suppose...

I suppose I panicked,
but the thing is Shirley,

it's grand, it's actually very good.

I have it all clear in my head now.

- Well, when you feel like making it clear

to the rest of us, let us know.

- I'm 13 weeks gone.

- Oh.

Oh, I get it now.

No, hold on.

No, I don't get it.

- He doesn't know anything about it.

- And you're not gonna tell him?

And he's looking for you because?

- Why not?

We had a good time, we got on.

But he deserves to go his own way.

It's better for him.

Right?

- Sure.

It's always better for someone.

- This has to stop.

- Has he called again?

- Who?

Oh, Ray?

No.

Why would he?

- Uh-uh.

Listen and learn.

- We want to meet you like normal people.

And we want to know where you're living.

- Not until you agree.

- Okay.

Fine.

I was only trying not to drag you into it.

And you know, it looks
like I don't have to

worry about that anymore, so...

- I wouldn't think so, in all honesty.

- And I promise I was
gonna tell you eventually

because I've decided to have a home birth.

- What?

- Jesus, are you mad?

- I would love if you could be there.

- Really?

Really?

- Yes.

- Oh my gosh.

- Who am I kidding?

I'm gonna need you there.

- Oh my gosh.

- I mean look what you've
fucking started now.

Here.

- Oh, Meg.

- Hi Roberta.

- Meg, hi.

Listen, I'm so sorry about this.

It's an emergency.

That flippin' landlord.

Shirley's been arrested.

An assault charge.

Hi.

I know it's a lot to ask,

but if I don't get to the
police station straight away,

well I can't be sure Shirley won't...

Well she might lose patience.

- Don't worry.

Don't worry.

This will be practice for me.

Geez, that guy, what a bastard though.

- Oh, well, yes, he's a horrible man.

Yeah.

He's so ignorant.

I hope I can keep my
temper with the police.

- But Jesus, why make a complaint now?

Why can't he just let it go?

- Well, he did actually
report it the day it happened.

- Oh, so why has it taken so long?

- Well, I suppose it took the
police a while to find us,

to find where we were living.

- Oh.

Oh.

I see.

Okay, so I'm not the only
one who's done a runner then.

- Well, no.

Anyway, everything you'll need is in here.

I'll just go through it really quickly,

just so that you know-

- Listen, it's okay.

Robbie and me will be fine.

Okay, yeah, let's change your nappy.

Yeah, here we go.

Here we go.

Oh, wow.

Robbie.

Good God.

Okay, yeah, as good as new.

Kind of.

One, two, three.

Whoa, good boy.

How's that?

What's down there?

Are you looking at your dirty nappy?

Hi.

You wanna play?

Okay.

No?

Do you wanna like say
hello to my little friend?

Do any of these faces help?

No?

Peek-a-boo.

The attempt that it makes at enlarging

the concept of sexuality.

How about this?

This was a big hit, wasn't it?

Yeah, you loved it before.

- Meg!

Meg, we're back.

Meg!

- Who?

- Roberta and Shirley.

- Hi.

- Free at last.

- Eventually.

- Oh, that's great.

Fantastic.

I'm so sorry.

- I got a fine and a
reprimand, that's all.

- No it's not that.

I...

- What's the matter?

- When you rang the buzzer, I was asleep.

And I mean, what if something happened?

I mean I just fell asleep
and you asked me to mind him

for just a couple of hours and
I couldn't even stay awake.

- Relax, he's grand.

- Ssh, ssh.

Will you make some tea?

Just, Meg, you sit down.

Come here.

- I'm gonna be such a bad mother.

- Oh no, do not say those words.

No.

No don't!
- I am, you don't even...

Don't, don't, no, no, no.

Stop that okay.

No, no.
- Roberta, I'm telling you...

No!

You even managed to change his nappy.

That's a pretty good job.

- No.

- Yeah.

- No.

- Yes!

- Roberta.

That's not all.

Like I, and don't be offended,

'cause it's nothing to
do with Robbie, okay,

I mean, but I...

And not at first, but, I got bored.

- Course you did.

Where do you keep the tea?

- What?

- You're grand.

- Being bored is okay.

Have I never told you
just how dull it can be?

- She never stops telling me.

- Amazing, too, obviously.

But Meg, you knew it wasn't gonna be

just magic and fairy lights, right?

Didn't you?

- Yes.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

I mean, at least I thought I did.

- And you took it on, and you signed up,

and on your own, too.

- Now that's fucking hard.

We don't envy you there.

- So, you know, you just
have to deal with it.

I mean, that guy Ray,

you're sure he's definitely
not an option, right?

You've decided that.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- So where have you moved to?

- What business is it of yours?

- I got a letter from the landlord

confirming the end of our tenancy.

- Right, yes, sorry.

I forgot that we hadn't
bothered to tell him

you were no longer involved.

- Except I am involved.

I'm still paying half the rent, huh?

- And now you don't
have to pay it anymore,

so you should be delighted.

- But you didn't think of letting me know

you were moving out in case I
wanted to move back in, huh?

- Oh right.

I'm sorry.

That was very selfish of me.

Do you?

- On my own?

- That's up to you.

- Well, no.

Why would I wanna move back in on my own?

- Then we're sorted and you
save yourself some money.

- Well, listen, I just wouldn't
want you to feel that...

Listen, in case you're worried

I'm gonna stop paying half my rent

and you're gonna be stuck paying it all,

just wanna let you know
that I won't do that.

What?

- Okay.

That's not why I'm leaving the flat,

but that's very thoughtful of you, Teddy.

Very thoughtful.

Thanks.

- Can I come in?

Did you steal this mug from me?

Been looking for that.

My stapler.

A few dirty pics of me on there, have you?

So listen, I was wondering,
is this having a kid thing...

Is it still...

- Is it still, what?

- Is it still your thing?

- Why do you wanna know?

- Well, you know when Randy
Newman came to Vicar Street

and it was for one night only,

and I didn't bother getting tickets

cause I said he's bound to add more dates.

And then they did and I said,
"Yeah, well there's no rush.

They're gonna add some more."

And then they didn't add a third date

and I tried to get tickets
for the second date

but by then it was too late.

And then I thought, what the fuck?

You know?

But then you only told me afterwards

that you really wanted to see him.

And then I was like, well, why
the fuck didn't you tell me?

And then we didn't speak
for like, a week, wasn't it?

Well, I didn't know how
to say it at the time,

but I was really sorry I
didn't get those tickets.

I was sorry cause you missed out.

And I was really fucked off at myself.

But see the thing was, was that
I just didn't think about...

I thought there'd be more time.

I always think that
there's gonna be more time.

- Okay, keep going.

Keep going, you're doing great.

Push down. - Breathe.

Push down.

That's it, Meg.

- Breathe.

- Yeah.

- I can't.

- No, you can.

- Want some juice?

- Fuck off!

- Oh Meg, that's
it, that's the baby,

you can do it.

- Another big push.

Oh, you're doing brilliantly.

- I can do it!

- All right, you're doing great.

- Yes!

Well done!

- Good girl.

You did it.

- Thank you.

- Hi.

- Hey.

You're in luck, I finished early.

- How was it for you?

- Great.

Good to be back.

How is he?

- Listen.

Like an angel.

- Hello, Len.

Yeah.

Earlier you were with a guy called Ray.

Is he still with you?

Can you get a message to him?

Hi.

- Hey.

So, why did you wanna see me again?

- Oh.

I suppose I thought it
was the other way around.

Didn't you wanna see me?

- What gave you that idea?

What would I be doing that for?

I mean, you blew me off like a year ago.

- Didn't I see you this
morning in college with Len?

- What's that got to do with you?

- You were outside a classroom

where I was about to give a lecture.

How does that happen, by coincidence?

Come on, Ray.

- Could you give me one
reason, half a reason,

I would wanna see you again?

Or what, do you just get off on the idea

of some guy pining after you?

- No.

- Well, you clearly wanna hear it.

I do, yeah.

I do think about you.

Not every day or anything like that,

but yeah, once in a while.

And okay, it wasn't totally random.

I passed Len on the street this morning

and as soon as I see him,

sets me off thinking
about here, that night,

you walking over, talking to him,

catching me looking at you.

So I decided to salute Len and next thing

we're walking towards the college

and suddenly he's going
on about this lecturer

and how amazing she is, and...

- I've treated you so despicably.

- I don't know what I think really.

Cause I kind of hate you, you know?

- Ray.

Ray.

Please.

Look, I know you think I've
been unfair to you, okay,

and I mean, actually, you've no idea

and I mean no idea how awful I've...

I need you to meet someone.

Hello?

Shirl?

Hello?

- I'm in the jacks!

- Oh.

Okay, sorry.

- Won't be a sec!

You were quick, whatever you were up to.

- That's great.

Fantastic.

Brilliant.

- That's Shirley.

I've met her already.

- Yeah.

I know, yeah.

No.

Oh God, no, no.

I mean, no, it's not Shirley
who I want you to meet.

She's just here to...

- Sorry about that.

Jesus, what's he doing here?

- No, it's okay.

I'm gonna tell him everything.

- I think he fucking knows already.

Here.

- No.

Leave it to me.

- And what if he goes ape?

I'm not leaving you and the little fella

here on your own with him.

- It's okay.

- Hey.

Hey.