The Ranch (1989) - full transcript
Since Jack quit the Agency, things haven't been quite the same. Now they want him back and this time he's going after the man responsible for ruining his life - even if it kills him in the process.
[theme music]
ANNOUNCER (ON RADIO):
Flashy new tune
from a guy called Gary Vilgar
departing from up north
of the 49th parallel.
The guys refer to down
here as a frost back.
But it's nice to get
something from up there
rather than another
cold front, isn't it?
Definitely no problem
with that today.
It's going to be another
scorcher in Apple,
or as they say in Canada,
it's going to be hot, eh?
As we say down here it's
going to damn hot, man.
Get out of my face.
It is 7:29 with the
Reverend Good Morning.
You'd better shake it up.
You're going to be late, and
try to come up with a man excuse
than the alarm didn't go off.
Try this one.
It worked for me.
I'm sorry, Mr. Scridlow, but
the neighbors kept me up all
night polishing their dog.
And you know how noisy
that can be, especially
with on of those new
electric dog polishers
with the feets and the tweets
and neat power raker bar.
Trust me, that will
get you off the hook.
Did you read the
headlines this morning?
Mouthwash madness?
Somebody is on the
hook in this big pooh.
You gotta check your bottle out,
but stay away from this stuff,
especially if you
have a big interview.
Unless they were planning on
hiring Mickey Mouse anyway.
FIFI: Good morning.
Good morning, Fifi.
Jackson, what is it?
Well?
What?
Speak to me.
(FEMALE VOICE)
We've got a problem.
What's wrong with your voice?
(FEMALE VOICE) A
mix up at the lab.
Macho Mouthwash has developed
some strange side effects.
Mouthwash?
Oh, my god.
We got to stop the shipments.
The went out yesterday.
(FEMALE VOICE) Didn't
you get Kevin's memo?
Memo?
(FEMALE VOICE) We
shipped 200,000 cases.
Rosie?
Shafferton.
Has old man McDanell
heard the news?
Ah!
Ah!
(FEMALE VOICE) He's heard.
Never mind.
Yo, Bare.
Train late from
the city, or what?
Ah, Louis.
Leslie wasn't there
to pick me up.
Have you seen her?
Yeah.
As a matter of fact, I did.
Listen, I hate to be the
one to break it to you,
but she split, man.
What do you mean?
Where did she go?
Hey, pal, I don't know.
But she must have given the
address to the guys in the van.
Van?
What van?
The movers.
They just left a
little while ago.
What movers?
What are you talking about?
That's not all.
She took the Porsche too, hon.
My car?
She took my car?
What the hell is going on here?
Hey, listen, don't
let it get to you, bud.
So the chick has got your car.
You'll get another one.
I mean, it's not like
she took your McDonald's
stock or anything.
And the furniture, well,
she's done you a favor.
A favor?
She moved out my furniture.
You call that do me a favor?
Well, you had
to move it anyway.
Here.
Feast your eyes on this.
It's your notice to vacate.
Vacate?
Hey, it was an offer
I couldn't refuse.
The company wanted every
house on the block.
They paid top dollar for it.
So you gotta get out.
I had no choice.
All my tenants got to vacate.
And I knew you'd cooperate
so I signed for you, buddy.
You signed my name?
Ah, Tony.
Listen, I gotta run.
I promised I'd take
the lady shopping.
Oh, this came for you.
It's from some lawyer up town.
It seems like some
relative croaked and well,
left you something.
Talk about your lucky day.
Well, gotta run.
Ciao, babe.
Mr. Shafferton?
Yes.
Mr. Hutchinson.
Yes.
Everything seems to be in order.
I'm going to just need some
signatures before we proceed.
Sit down, please.
No one has told me exactly
what it is my uncle left me.
Oh, of course.
It's real estate.
He's left you his ranch
property in Alberta.
Alberta?
Canada.
Oh, land.
Yes.
Land.
Yes.
Real estate.
Yes.
All right.
Mr. Shafferton, please,
this is a business office.
I have always been
intrigued by real estate
and its fringe benefits.
Real estate.
It is so solid.
But just how big is
this place anyway?
Just under 1,000 acres.
1,000 acres?
Yes!
Yes!
Yesterday unemployment.
Today development city!
Whew!
[dog barking]
Hello.
Are you here for me?
You Shafferton?
Yeah.
Yeah, you can call me Barry.
I'm Cody.
Welcome to Alberta.
Are we going to get
this crate moving,
or are we going to sit
here till we rust up?
Well, I've got some luggage.
I can see that.
Toss it in.
Me and Brandy about
ready for supper.
[honks horn]
City boys.
[rooster crowing]
Who does he think he is
any ways, the Shah of Iran?
Imagine walking in here
and asking for all types
of fancy foods for supper.
Demanding to know
just who I was.
Well, I didn't expect
him to be so young.
What do you think he'll do?
I know what he won't do.
He won't be sashaying
around my kitchen.
I don't care who
he thinks he is.
I never thought
it would happen.
Old man Shafferton
giving the ranch away.
Nothing in life
is what you expect.
Nothing.
Look at that.
7:30 and I'm still
at the dishes.
He's already turning
the place all up
and skedaddled around here.
But things are going to change.
OK, New York, you've
got two minutes
to move that skinny body
of yours out of that bed,
or I'm going to move it for you.
What the hell are you doing?
Get out of my room.
Look, Big Apple, nobody
sleeps when I work.
Right now I plan to
make this bed, so get
the hell up and out of here.
Shit!
There.
That ought to keep
you going, girl.
Horses look real good, Jess.
The boys should be impressed.
Impressed?
Not by these horses, I'll bet.
Maybe if they were a polo pony.
Now daughter, give
the boy a chance.
Hell, it's his ranch now.
Well, I doubt if
he'll keep it long.
Country life just isn't
for him, you know?
And I think he's probably
the type that will sell out
just about as fast as he can.
Sell out?
But there's no buyers,
at least not now.
There's always a buyer
at the right price.
Cody!
Don!
Anybody!
Yeah, we're in here.
Hey, fellas,
this place stinks.
Let's get somebody in
here to clean it up.
Where is everybody? where
is the rest of the staff?
Right here.
What do you mean?
Only to of you?
Well, there's three.
Jesse is out back, and there's
four if you count Ruby.
But for a ranch this
size, it's ridiculous.
Now, just hold it there, boy.
You put those animals away!
Now, take it easy, chief.
Those calves are pretty
tame for the most part.
Clean this place up.
I'm going to take a shower.
[laughter]
Oh, Ruby is it?
Can I have my coffee
in here, please?
Hm.
Excuse me?
Look, I am willing to forget
about our little incident
this morning, but I would like
my coffee in here now, please.
You want coffee?
Then go make it yourself.
Don't you mess up my kitchen.
What?
Me?
You're the cook.
It's your job.
A job is where you work
and somebody pays you.
Nobody is paying me and
hasn't for a long time.
I live here.
If the house needs
cleaning, I clean it.
And if you want coffee
and it ain't meal time,
then you go make it yourself.
Look, I thought--
You thought that you
were still in New York
where there was all
kinds of people who will
take your brand of bullshit.
Well, you're not.
Obviously.
But if you're not employees,
then why are you here?
You may own this ranch,
but you don't own us.
We've kept this place
going as best we could.
Them bills will tell you that.
I hope you inherited
a pile of money
when you inherited this ranch
'cause you're going to need it.
Cody.
Yeah.
I need to go into
town, to the bank.
OK.
Sounds like a hell of an idea.
You know, I've got to get a few
things for the horses anyway.
Let's go.
BARRY: What's the
bank manager like?
CODY: Let's put it this way,
I'd rather waltz with a bear.
BARRY: Do you think there's
a chance for a loan?
CODY: I wouldn't
bet money on it.
I gave up on bank
managers a long time ago.
BARRY: Where's Don going?
CODY: He spends every Tuesday
talking about the old days over
at the barbershop.
Here you go.
I'm going to the Elkana.
Tip a few.
I'll see you in there.
You boys have fun.
I'll pick you up
at closing time.
Wish me luck.
You go get 'em, boy.
[MUSIC - JESSE BURNS, "THE WRONG
MR. RIGHT"]
I met let wrong Mr. Right hold
me just a little too tight.
Make me feel a little too right.
Hey, Sweetheart.
This ain't your kind of bar.
We don't like city
boys around here.
Hi, fellas.
Don't worry about it.
I think it's going to take them
a while to get used to you.
Did you find out what
you wanted to know?
JENNY: Hi, honey.
What will you have?
A double vodka
spritzer, please.
Say what?
CODY: He'll have a beer, Jenny.
OK.
So did you?
Well, yes and no.
I found out what I
asked for, but it
was not what I wanted to know.
I kind of think maybe you were
expecting the Ponderosa Ranch.
No.
Well, yeah.
I guess so.
Oh, yes.
Money.
Thanks.
Keep bringing them, Jenny.
JENNY: OK.
I think we're going
to be here for a while.
[laughing]
OK, boys, last call.
Oh, come on, Jenny.
You know, you are a
really beautiful person.
No, I Really mean that.
All right.
Keep them coming, Jenn.
We're doing just fine.
Oh, I can see that.
Will you marry me?
Sure, honey.
Sure.
But first, I have to
finish this shift.
Cody, she is a really
beautiful person.
I really mean that.
[MUSIC - ELDORADO, "WANNA BE A
COUNTRY SINGER"]
I want to be a country singer.
I want to ride on reso bus.
I want to act kind of
silly, try to sing a nip.
Won't you find me so
fast and make a fuss.
I'll be all rich when
I'm up on the stage.
I want to be a country singer.
I'll hit number one.
Have my day in the sun.
I want to be a country
singer 'cause country
singers have fun.
I want to be a country singer.
I want to do all
the things I please.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Cody.
Cody!
Hey, Cody!
Hey.
Hey, stop it.
Hey, wait.
Wait a minute.
Stop it.
Stop it.
[sighing]
Couldn't you manage
to work someplace else?
Ruby wouldn't let me sleep in.
What is your problem?
No problem.
No problem at all.
You know something?
All of you people have a
severe attitude problem.
How about a little
gratitude considering you
all live here for
free on my property.
Live free?
Why you ignorant,
smug little bastard.
I guess you never out of
work a day in your life.
You're saying I live free?
Well, it is my property.
Before that it was my uncle's.
And my guess is
you were all just
a bunch of disgruntled
ex-employees
hoping to be rehired.
Your uncle won this ranch.
He tricked my dad into putting
up the ranch in a poker game.
Mr. Shafferton, he took the
deed and the liquid assets
and forgot about it.
My dad, he hasn't taken
a drink since that night.
I had no idea.
We've been keeping this
place going all these years,
paying for the taxes and
the upkeep when we could.
Why didn't you just
invoice his accountants then?
Invoice his accountants?
You don't have a clue, do you?
We tried.
They told us to sell everything
and vacate the property.
We had to get a court order to
get them to allow us to stay.
Without money, how
could we run it right?
Oh, Jessie.
Jessie, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
Well, there's a
lot you don't know.
Wait.
So how do you keep it going now?
Dad's pension
for the most part.
Whatever I can make waitressing.
You know, you think
you'd have the decency
to will this place back to Dad.
Jessie, I'm sorry
you lost the place,
but it's all I have now too.
If I can't make it work,
then I've got nothing.
Well, let me buy the
place back from you.
Look, I don't make much, but
I got a little in the bank,
and I could pay in installments.
No.
No, I'm not selling.
Bastard.
You're no better
than your uncle.
Don't let her
concern you, son.
The ranch is rightfully
yours, and we're just
actively letting her stay on.
Yeah, but Jessica.
Jessie?
She loves the place
all right, but she'll
do just fine any place.
[MUSIC - MICHAEL PAUL
DEMENJES, "I'VE GOT
A FEELING IT'S GOING TO RAIN"]
I made it home so
late last night.
Something that I've done before.
I could see that
the lights were on,
and you were
waiting at the door.
I've got a feeling that
I've done it this time.
That precious pilot
is starting to climb.
What, are you all right?
I will be.
We're almost there.
Damn well better be worth it.
I'm in serious pain here.
[MUSIC - MICHAEL PAUL
DEMENJES, "I'VE GOT
A FEELING IT'S GOING TO RAIN"]
I don't know what
possessed me to do all
the things I've done to you.
The sun was shining
just yesterday,
and now its dawn is on its way.
Those icy chills running
up and down my spine.
The clouds are forming, and
it's raining in my mind.
I've got a feeling clouds
moving in your heart.
I've got a feeling
it's going to rain.
There you go, Barry.
Hangover Heaven.
God.
This is one--
I feel fantastic.
Well, you know it's
a sure fire remedy.
I'm here and the mud that
hit you from the inside.
Some hot mud for the outside.
I can't move.
I feel damn good.
Say, what's in this stuff?
You know, I don't know.
There's something in his mud
is about the only thing that's
helped me since my accident.
Accident?
It's nothing serious.
What you do in New York?
I was an executive.
That's just a
glorified salesman.
Someday I'll tell
you all about it.
You know, this place
is absolute nirvana.
I never knew it, but
you cowboys got it made.
I suppose there's nothing
like this back in a big city.
Like slap butt on the faces
of spoiled oil rich women,
but nothing like this.
So you're not going to
give up on our flea-bitten
excuse for a ranch?
No way.
Uncle Bob probably thought
is was a big joke when
he willed it to me, but at
least this flea-bitten excuses
is mine.
Hell, ours.
[laughing]
[gun shots]
That came from the house.
Let's go.
Now, Ruby, just calm down.
We go through this every year.
And every year I tell
you the same thing.
It's not my ranch, and
them aren't my taxes.
I just live here.
Now get.
But Ruby, you know I
got to serve the notice.
It's my job, and you make
it tougher every year.
Besides, sooner
or later, somebody
is going to take care of it.
[dog barking]
What's going on?
Who are you?
My name is Norbert Tase
from the county courthouse.
I was just delivering
the tax report
to Ruby like I do every year.
Well, I'm the new owner here.
Give it to me.
New owner?
Well, congratulations, sir.
Are you a Canadian citizen?
Yes, from New York State.
My name is Barry Shafferton.
US of A, aye?
Well, this then is for you, sir.
We expect payment.
No more delays.
Sorry about that.
I'll take care of everything.
$10,000.
Plus $1,200 in back interest.
Why did you tell them
you own the damn place?
I've been putting them guys
off for the past 10 years,
and they could have waited
another 10 for all I care.
The taxes have to be paid.
You can't just keep
putting them off.
We could lose the ranch.
Well, it didn't seem to matter
so long as I kept them away
and there was no one they could
serve their damn papers to.
Facts are facts.
Now they want their cash.
Good god, $11,200.
Well, I can't let this happen.
I am not going to
lose anything anymore.
Well, if I could make 80 grand
a year selling colored water,
I could sure pull something
out of this place.
Maybe you could
talk to them again.
Maybe we should have
stayed in the mud.
What I say?
I'm not sure,
but I think you may
have caught on to something.
What?
What?
Well, he said maybe we
should have stayed in the mud.
And maybe that's our answer.
I really don't understand.
Today, Cody took me
out to the mud baths.
RUBY: Yeah.
So?
He takes everyone out there
after he's been on a bender.
Well, don't you get it?
Those mud baths could
be worth a fortune
I think you'd better
head back to the big city.
I think the clean air
is getting to you.
No.
Here me out.
My old girlfriend, Buffy,
used to spend thousands
of dollars going to
health spas and fat farms
and natural clinics.
Well, every time
he needed a rest,
she disappeared in one of those
places, dumped a pile of money,
and come back feeling great.
Yeah, but those places
all need tons of equipment.
No.
Not all of them.
Well, the newest ones are
like going to boot camp.
They put you up in dorms.
They make you exercise
and breathe fresh air.
Well, we got everything we
need right here, almost.
How about feeding
all those city folks?
That's just the thing.
They practically
starving them to death.
And we've got the mud.
Exactly.
It's a natural.
It might work, son, but
you're going to need some money.
Well, I sort of thought
you all might help me out.
Well, I'll pay you back
after everything is paid off.
With a bonus.
All right.
And a fat salary to boot.
No.
What do you mean no?
This is our ranch.
If you want the money, I
suggest we form a partnership.
OK.
Sure.
You can all work
with a percentage.
M-m.
50/50.
Ownership of the
ranch and the spa.
Well, partners on the ranch?
Oh, you gotta be kidding.
This was Don's ranch
and would be Jessie's I'd
rather see the government
get it than the likes
of some city dude.
Looks like you've got
a Mexican standoff, man.
[laughing]
Ah, what the hell.
I'll do my part.
Just keep those city
folks out of my kitchen.
Hot dog.
God.
I'm sorry.
[laughing]
- Wait.
Wait.
Truce.
Truce.
Truce.
Looking real good, eh?
Well, I think Jessie
is doing a real fine job.
Well, we should do pretty well
with customers out of these,
I think.
These are nice-looking boots.
[whistling]
Well, what do you think?
I don't think much.
Do I look like a cowboy?
You sure do look
like a cowboy.
Yee dawgy!
OK, here are the rest
of the brochures.
Now, this is very important.
How long for these to
get to New York City?
Oh, for you, Mr.
Shaferton, about four days.
Shafferton.
Right.
Definitely.
Hello, "Spa Review,"
can you please
connect me to your publisher?
Yes, Ms. Greenberg.
My name?
Sissy Van Ellington.
Oh, Andrea, Darlene.
I am surprised.
I just spent two fabulous weeks
in Canada at the most wonderful
rustic spa.
And I find that no one, just no
one has heard of it from you.
Andrea dear, you
must know about it.
You always know about
the best places.
Are you sure you haven't
been keeping this place
your own special secret?
I mean, I went through
all your back issues
and there was nothing,
but nothing, dear.
Thank heavens Liz
told me over lunch.
But I thought you were
on top of everything.
Oh, Wild Rose Ranch.
I have it right here.
Brag Creek, Alberta.
In Canada, dear.
It's so-- so basic,
so wonderfully fresh.
You owe it to your
readers, dearest.
Wonderful.
Love your column on hot oils.
Must run.
Kisses.
Well, what she say?
She said she hasn't missed
coverage on a good spa yet.
And I can count on seeing
it in a future issue.
Jessie, you are fantastic.
You're a natural.
Put it there, partner.
What was that for?
People been shoveling bull
crap at us all these years.
Dishing some of it
back is a pleasure.
Yeah?
Well, cross your fingers
and hope that Ms. Greenberg
does that article on us, Ruby.
Because it could
make us all rich.
And famous?
You're doing fine, girl.
You're just doing fine.
They are beautiful.
Where did they come from?
Matt Samuelsen.
I owned a sum of his stock.
I think pretty girl here
might need a little more work.
Anyway, Jessica, could you
bring that doctor bills?
Sorry.
I forgot.
You forgot?
What?
You know, you're not too big
for me to take you over my knee.
But you're going to
have to catch me first.
Jessie, is that you?
No, it's Hulk Hogan.
Of course, it's me.
Whoa.
What's wrong with you?
Gee.
I think you've been
in the sun too long.
Ruby?
Ruby.
Whoa, Jessie.
Looking good.
Think so?
I'm breathless.
Do I look like an
activities coordinator?
Kelly did a complete
makeover on me.
Said she wanted to
do it for years.
You are perfect.
You don't think something
more sporty would be better.
No.
No, not at all.
In fact, you look great.
Well, it's still
me under the makeup.
I know.
I know.
In fact, I'm still
kicking myself for not
noticing your potential before.
Maybe I should have
done this a while ago.
BARRY: Five bookings.
Five.
Obviously, I've failed somewhere
in my marketing strategy.
But where?
- It's a start.
Oh, god, why doesn't she call?
[grunting]
Cancellation, right?
No, a booking.
Another one of them
hoity-toity, New York types.
New York.
Yeah.
Name of Greenblatt, Greenwald,
something like that.
Greenberg?
Wait.
Andrea Greenberg?
Yeah.
How did you know?
Well, why didn't you say so?
Just take it easy, boy.
Real pushy woman, you know?
Kept demanded some got
a special treatment.
Hell, I told her she
was going to get exactly
what everybody else got.
Are you crazy?
She's the publisher of
"Spa Review," the bible
of the health and fitness set.
Of course, she gets
special treatment.
If we disappoint
her, we're finished.
Ah, this is the woman who single
handedly destroyed the tourist
trade in Saint-Moritz
because they
allowed her to get a sunburn.
Oh, calm down.
She's going to love it here.
DON: Especially with all
the improvements we've done.
I don't believe it.
She's going to expect Club Med.
All we've got is Maw and
Paw Yokum and dogpatch.
This is going to be a disaster.
KATHY: Oh, I love it.
It's so minimalist.
Well, hello there, cowboy.
You're from the
Wild Rose, I hope.
That's right, ma'am.
Great.
I was worried the
spa didn't offer
my favorite form of exercise.
Ah, ladies, if
you'd get in the car,
I'd be happy to
get your luggage.
Miller, is this your
idea of a short cut?
Sorry Ms. Greenberg, but
this is the only access
road to the spa.
How long on this road?
About 16 miles.
[speaking french]
[honking horn]
Ladies.
Ladies, welcome to
the Wild Rose Ranch.
My name is Barry Shafferton.
I'm the spa's general manager.
So ah, where's the bar?
Oh, sorry, ladies.
No bar.
No central air conditioning.
No television.
No bar?
Ladies, you're here to
revitalize yourselves,
to re evaluate your physical
and emotional potential.
My emotional potential
was revitalized
when I got my divorce.
My name is Jessie McCafferty,
and I'll be your activities
coordinator for this session.
Consider this to
be like boot camp.
Yeah, cowboy boot camp.
This will be an event in
your lives, one week guaranteed
to change them for the better.
If you all come
inside with me,
I'll introduce you to
the rest of the staff.
Oh.
Miller, take it easy.
Everybody, this is Ruby.
She's our dietitian in charge
of the menus, balancing
starches, fats, and proteins.
Ruby, these are
our first guests.
Hello.
This is--
Renee.
Lisa.
Estelle.
Alice.
I'm Kathy.
Welcome, ladies.
Oh, an antique Cuisine Art.
Out.
Out.
Out you go.
Ruby.
Now, rule number 1, ladies.
See this black line?
It's there for a
very good reason.
Nobody, but nobody steps
into this kitchen but me.
It's off limits, you here?
Well, actually,
that's a good rule.
Because some people like to
snack, and we can't have that.
Now, ladies if you'll just come
with me into the living room,
we'll get comfy in here.
She doesn't have
a shotgun, does she?
Oh, no.
No.
No.
Her bark is worse
than her bite, really.
Ah, Ms. Greenberg.
Barry Shafferton?
Yes.
Yes.
Well, excuse me for staring.
I was expecting
someone much older.
Oh, come now, Mr.
Shafferton, you don't honestly
think that my mother would waste
her time in a place like this,
do you?
This better be good.
This better be damn good.
Oh, it is.
I admit the road
situation is a problem.
A problem?
Listen, just show me to my room,
a shower, and the damn phone.
I'll go through these
formalities later.
[screaming]
I'm sorry.
Here, let me help you up.
That's it.
We're finished.
She hates it already.
What she doing, packing?
Packing?
She hasn't unpacked yet.
Well, maybe she'll feel
better after a hot shower.
Oh, god.
The hot water is
hooked up, isn't it?
Not yet.
Should it be?
Should it be?
ANDREA: Ah!
I hate cold showers!
Now, are you sure
this person has a phone?
Definitely.
Wait!
Wait, Andrea!
Andrea, wait.
Just give us an
extra chance, please?
Just a few more days.
I have a responsibility
to my readers.
This place ought
to be condemned.
Don!
Don, you trader!
How could you do this to me?
How could you do it to us?
Andrea.
Andrea, wait, please.
Andrea!
Ah.
Ah!
You know what, Alice,
this place is fabulous.
I couldn't agree more.
Oh, by the way, Estelle, did
you know that Andrea from "Spa
Review Magazine" is here?
She's going to be taking
lots and lots of pictures.
You're kidding?
I read that magazine
all the time.
We'd better make our
tooshes look good.
Speaking of cute
tooshes, don't you think
that Barry is a hunk-a-roo?
Oh, I agree.
You better watch out, Estelle.
You're going to have
some competition in me.
Tell you what, Alice.
I'll have Barry Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays.
You can have him Tuesdays and
Thursdays, only longer hours.
All is fair in love
and war, Estelle.
It's a deal.
Hold that pose.
Get it?
Got it.
Good.
ANDREA: This is
absolutely incredible.
I never imagined it
could be this beautiful.
Yeah, when I
was a young boy, I
dreamt of moving to the city--
Calgary, Toronto,
hell, even New York.
You're lucky you never left.
You're very lucky.
- Over there, boy.
That's it.
Hell, I used to look
at this country as one
large snow-covered forest.
It started at the
American border
and went right on up
to the North Pole.
I guess I got that idea
from all those old Sergeant
Renfrew and Rose-Marie movies.
Real fairy tales, them things.
We saw them too.
You know, your manager
ought to be arrested.
This is no spa.
But well, it does have
a certain allure to it.
We like it.
Well, I'm here now,
so I might as well
try to make the best of it.
[rooster crowing]
ANDREA: Dear mother, this
is really some project
you've assigned me to.
I can't tell you
how appreciative
I am of the opportunity.
Rustic spa it isn't.
Rip off, it is.
Bad enough, the walks take
us over manure-ridden trails,
but the worst part is
that sleazy little cretin
of a manager has attached
himself to me like glue.
No wonder.
That brochure we
got was fabricated
from the farthest reaches of
any of mind he may have had.
His activities coordinator
must have had a budget
of less than $10 to work with.
Teeter totters, Air Force
calisthenics on the lawn.
Why, I've been here three
days, and I haven't even been
offered a facial or a manicure.
And that creep is always
just one step behind me.
I don't even want to
talk about the evening
fresh air chicken chases.
[screaming]
Oh.
[light laughter]
Come in.
The water is fine.
This is just great.
Oh.
This is gross.
Wonderful.
Hey, cowboy.
What are you doing out here?
Shouldn't you be watching
this like a lifeguard?
Well, I think you can
all look after yourselves.
Besides, it seems a few of
you might have forgotten
to bring your bathing suits.
Like me?
Miss, maybe you should
go back with the others.
I'd rather play with you.
Wait.
Cody!
Jessie!
Wait, damn it!
Jess!
This is heaven.
You can forget all about
your divorce, Estelle.
Divorce?
Arnold?
I've forgotten all about him.
(TOGETHER) Have you ever
been married before, Lisa?
No.
Honey, you haven't
missed nothing.
Believe me.
- Absolutely.
So tell me about
your man, Renee.
Which one?
This is better than
any man I ever had.
I'll say.
All I need is a drink in
this hand, and I'll be fine.
Hey, Alice, did you know
your kneecaps are rising?
Estelle, these are
not my knee caps.
These are my boobs.
Well, honey, my incidentals
are no bigger than two lentils.
Oh, my god.
It's old faithful rising again.
Here comes the bubbles.
Ah-oh.
Who had beans for lunch?
Do you know what I
mean about this mud
being better than a man?
Speaking of men, this
mud is going to keep
my naturally youth for live.
You know something?
I wonder if this is
the fountain of youth.
That's a good point.
Alice, you know that
freckle on your face?
Yeah.
This would make
it look better.
Oh, you.
Don't you dare!
Oh, you sister.
Up your nose with a rubber hose.
[laughter]
Hey, Alice, you want a tan?
Here's a tan.
Oh, Estelle.
You know something,
Estelle, you'd
look good on the "Titanic."
Honey, I am the "Titanic."
Here I go.
This like the La Brea Tar Pits.
Oh, do you know what?
The saber-tooth tigers
never died with a smile
on their faces.
Get me.
I'm like a beached whale you
trying to get me out of here.
How about we get
out now and have one
of Ruby's 1,000 calorie meals.
Yeah, I'm famished.
OK, ever woman for herself.
[laughing]
Jessie growed up, and
I never even noticed.
I'm starved.
Dr. [inaudible] should
put this in his book.
Oh, my goodness.
Those beans.
And there's steak.
At last, we're having
something like this.
Wow.
So hungry.
CODY: Hi, Jessie.
Well, Romeo,
missed you at supper.
I wasn't hungry.
Ruby outdid herself tonight.
Guess she is going to
stop making that stuff
Barry wants her to serve.
Jessie, about this afternoon.
Oh, sorry about that.
I mean, walking
in on you and all.
Well, nothing happened.
She's a wild girl who
didn't mean a thing.
You don't have to
explain things to me.
You're a big boy.
She's an attractive woman,
and I'm not your mother.
Jessie.
Valentino threw a shoe.
Fix it.
Oh, and tell Kathy not to
make it a late night tonight.
Trail ride is tomorrow.
Jessie.
Jessie.
Well, afternoon, ladies.
Seeing you're going to
be using these horses,
I figure y'all should
learn to ride them.
Now, you take Valentino
here, why like most horses,
he's a gentle animal.
You learn to treat him right,
he's going to treat you right.
Does Valentino have
a lot of girlfriends?
She means do you use
him for stud purposes.
Valentino?
No.
We had high hopes, but well,
he never had the right stuff.
Why is that?
Well, I guess a good
stud is hard to find.
Tell me about it.
[giggling]
I thought I'd lost you.
Well, not to worry.
I've been keeping
a close eye on you.
Has it ever occurred
to you that I might
be trying to get rid of you?
You won't find any of
these growing in New York.
Don't pick.
Look, Andrea, let's lay
our cards on the table.
Just exactly what problems
do you have with the ranch?
You mean besides
the fact that you've
misrepresented yourself by
advertising professional staff?
Your quote unquote, "dietitian"
serves an average of 3,000
calories a meal to each guest.
Yeah.
And since you're the huckster
that convinced these people
to turn their ranch into a
side show, in a nutshell,
you're slime.
OK.
Besides that?
Ruby.
You're going to have
to wait for lunch.
I'm not running a deli here.
Sure look mighty
pretty, Miss Ruby.
You don't look
so bad yourself.
Well, thank you.
I brought your
favorite bon bons.
Now what are you
doing so dressed up?
Well, I was kind
of wondering if you
could see your way
clear into accompanying
me on a little walk.
A walk?
Of course, then
we do have the house
to ourselves all afternoon.
Why you dirty old bag of
flea-bitten, prairie dog.
You get out of here.
OK.
On a scale of 1 to
10, what do you say?
Do you really want
me to answer that?
Yes.
Actually, in spite of the
fact that your place is more
like a dude ranch than
an accredited health spa,
they all seem to
like it, and they're
having the time of their lives.
Ah, come on, Andrea,
what do you say, thumbs up,
thumbs down?
I haven't decided yet.
[screaming]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Here.
Ups.
Andrea!
[screaming]
I'm sorry.
Yes, operator collect
from Andrea Greenberg.
Hi, Carol.
Connect me with Audrey.
Hi, Audrey, I got a great
teaser for the dailies.
OK.
Health forum will
feature an expose
on bogus health retreats,
most notably the Wild Rose
Ranch near Calgary, Alberta.
"The women are
promised professional,
physical, and emotional
therapy under the shadow
of the Rocky Mountains.
The state-of-the-art facilities
consist of a once-abandoned
ranch with a fresh
coat of paint,
a dietitian who never attended
grade school and thinks
nitrates is what them
New York perverts
pay sleazy hotel clerks
for hourly ron dayz vous."
Their healing methods, I have
to admit, are very relaxing.
There's a few other things too.
The strange thing is that every
one of their paying customers
loves it.
(ALL) To the Wild Rose Ranch.
There's not a complaint
from any of them.
Forget what I just said, OK?
Dump all of it out.
Run the file stuff.
I want to do a
little more research.
Hey, Jessie, come
on over here, darling.
Hi, guys.
Looking good tonight, Jess.
Buy you a beer?
Sure.
Jenny, one more over here.
Can I talk to
you for a moment?
Sure.
I didn't know you
were going with Cody.
Of course, I should
have guessed.
Who says I am?
The old man at the ranch.
Dad?
What?
Cool it, cutie.
I just wanted you to
know that I didn't know
and that nothing happened
that day or since.
He's a nice guy.
JESSIE: Yeah, I know.
Then what are you
doing sitting here?
Two beers, pal.
Got it.
[MUSIC - GARY FJELLGAARD, "PRIDE
OF THE PRAIRIE"]
She's the pride of the
prairie, roll in the river.
She's the mist on the
mountain, the salt of the land.
She's a cold January
who woke up to light.
She's the pride of the
prairie, a true love of mine.
She's the gold of our sun
runs, the green of the cream.
She's the red of a sunset.
She's chained, but she's free.
She's a glow on the fire
and strawberry wine.
She's the pride of the
prairie, a true love of mine.
She is all that I am dreaming.
She's heaven above.
She's a pride of the
prairie, the woman I love.
And I'll keep on loving
till the end of my time.
The pride of the prairie,
a true love of mine.
She's the pride of the
prairie, a true love of mine.
BARRY: Cody.
Cody?
Hey, Cody, you're on.
SINGER: Come on, Cody.
You haven't been up
here for a while.
[cheers]
All right.
OK, you asked for it.
Well, this is one
of my own songs,
and it's a real
special song to me.
And I wrote it for
a girl named Jessie.
(ALL) Ah!
[MUSIC - GARY FJELLGAARD, "DANCE
WITH THIS OLD COWBOY"]
He was leather and dust.
He was bent and burst and just
a worn-out, broken-down cowboy.
He was rodeo, but
that was years ago.
Now the rodeo is over.
And she was young and soft,
and every hat came off
in respect for hope and beauty.
She was a dance hall prize
in every young man's eyes
and in the heart
of that old cowboy.
I wanna hold you
close to me, he said.
I wanna feel my arms around you.
And if you don't
mind my asking you,
would you dance with
those old cowboy?
That cowboy fell in love,
head over heals in love
with that vision of a prairie.
Would you dance with me?
He so bravely asked her?
His last dance just a memory.
And though she's small of the
smile, liked to melt his heart,
she said you almost
had me worried.
I've been waiting all night.
I thought you'd never ask me.
I'm so glad you
found the courage.
I wanna hold you
close to me, he said.
I wanna feel my arms around you.
And if you don't
mind my asking you,
would you dance with
this old cowboy?
I wanna hold you
close to me, he said.
I wanna feel my arms around you.
And if you don't
mind my asking you,
would you dance with
this old cowboy.
Would you dance with
this old cowboy?
[cheering]
All right.
Yes.
Thank you.
That was beautiful.
[cheering]
Come on, Barry.
Let's go back to the table.
I need another drink.
Oh, great.
That's it.
I'm finished.
It's all over.
I fail to see the
humor in the situation.
We got a gold mine here.
If we lose the ranch,
some other operator will
just move in and start over.
OK, granted, for a health
spa, it's a little unorthodox.
Kathy?
Kathy?
[MUSIC - ELDORADO,
"NORTH OF 49"]
Well, I never been to
Nashville, Tennessee.
But everyone is telling me if
country music is what you want,
it's where you want to be.
You can hear it.
You don't have to go that far.
You can feel it.
You don't need to be a
star to play and listen
to that northern country music.
Yeah, dancing to
northern country music.
Well, it ain't only Texas
cowboy's two step all night
long.
You don't need no
Dixie drawl just
to say what you feel in a song.
Don't get me wrong, I think
that what they're doing,
they're fairly fine.
We got magic of our own
just north of the 49.
That's for you, Cody, the
Hop to You Drop Bronco Contest.
You used to win that
ever year, before you--
what you do?
Well, I hurt my
back, Clarence.
But you know, I don't need
that stuff anymore because I'm
a business tycoon now.
Come on, cowboy.
I'm taking you home.
And if plan on spending
any more time with me,
they'll be no more drinking.
Sounds good.
Prize money this
year is $2,000.
You can do it.
$2,000?
Come on, hotshot.
You get thrown by one horse,
and I'll be nursing a cripple
for the rest of my life.
You'd make a beautiful nurse.
Get in.
You can do it, Cody!
You can win it!
Hey, Donny, have you
met my fiance here?
I just said yes
to a honeymoon.
Sorry, Jenny.
This fella is a no
shape for a honeymoon.
Estelle.
I'm Alice.
I'm Estelle.
Is it true that twins
have a special bond?
(TOGETHER) I suppose.
I wouldn't really know.
Then why did the two of
you come here together?
Well, I just got a divorce.
And I was feeling her pain.
Yeah.
You might say--
(TOGETHER) --we're
having an identical crisis.
[laughing]
Gin.
(TOGETHER) Again?
Good evening, ladies.
Bit of a late night tonight?
Who the hell are you?
Corporal Gordon, ma'am.
RCMP.
What's that?
Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Oh.
We're cops, ladies.
We're going to have to ask to
be allowed into the bunk house.
Regulations.
- The bunkhouse?
- Sorry.
This spa has not applied
for a liquor license.
We've had some complaints.
Oh, I'm bringing in a few.
Well, I can show
you the bunkhouse.
I've been trying to get a
man in my room all week.
Thanks.
[laughter]
Shut up!
It's a raid.
The cops are right behind me.
Quick, give me the
booze and grass.
We've got to get it out of here.
I just love men in uniforms.
Here, honey.
Yeah.
RCMP, ladies.
We'd like to speak to you.
So is it true that
you always get your man?
I guess so.
Yeah.
I usually do too.
- Ah!
- Look, officer.
She's fainting.
She needs artificial
insemination.
She means mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.
(TOGETHER) Quick.
Lay her down.
Come on, honey.
You'll be fine.
That's right.
Rub her hands.
Rub her feet.
Close the window.
She'll catch her death.
Here, honey.
Are you feeling better?
Yes.
much.
Much.
Thank you.
Thank you, officer.
Oh, no.
What's the matter, boy?
Feel a little sick?
Oh, my god.
Ms. Greenberg.
Oh.
DON: Barry.
Barry?
What!
DON: We got a problem.
Some damn fool
figured the horses
needed a party last night too.
They're dead drunk.
And I found these
in the horse trough.
And Ms. Greenberg's gone riding.
On a drunken horse?
Yep.
On the ridge?
That's the way
she was heading.
Come on.
Whoa.
What is wrong?
What is wrong with you?
Come on.
Come on.
Andrea!
Come on.
Come on.
What is wrong with you?
Whoa.
Aw!
Andrea?
Andrea, where are you?
[horse belches]
Andrea!
Andrea.
Oh, thank god, you're all right.
Look, don't say it.
Don't say anything.
You don't need to.
Look, I am so ashamed of myself.
I must have been insane to think
I could start up a health spa.
Barry, I think--
I'm giving their
money back, most of it.
We spent some of it.
I've been thinking
what we can--
We were desperate.
Look, go ahead.
What the hell.
Write it up.
God knows how many con games--
For God's sake shut up.
I love this place.
They love this place.
Those women have been to every
boring health spa imaginable.
There's more to life
than losing weight.
This place supplies
a happy medium.
You mean, you liked your stay?
Me?
I was painted,
mudded, and manured.
What do you think?
I'm sorry.
I'm not important.
Your paying customers are.
Those five ladies down
there are planning
on coming back here every year.
I've decided to showcase your
ranch as spa of the season.
Get out of town.
You're a hell of a
salesman, Shafferton.
All right.
Yes!
I'm sorry.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
[MUSIC - GARY
FJELLGAARD, ANDREW STEVENS,
LARRY HERRICKS & THE CREW,
"WILD ROSE CAMPFIRE SONG"]
Ain't seen enough until
I look at you now.
How you gonna work if
you don't know how.
How you gonna tell
an orange from a cow?
Hey, look at you now.
[inaudible],, take a
look at your clothes.
[inaudible] the old Wild Rose.
[inaudible] with
water and a hose.
Hey, look at you now.
Yee-haw.
(ALL SINGING)
Could you move it
on down to the Wild Rose Ranch?
Hey, look at you now.
[yodelling]
[cheering]
- Bye, ladies.
- Bye, sweetie.
Thanks so much.
Bye, Jessie.
Bye, sweetie.
We'll be up next summer.
Bye-bye.
Can I ride up front with you?
We'll be back.
Remember the Wild Rose.
All right.
- Ready to go?
- Yeah.
Sure.
Come on.
Keep up the riding lessons.
Bye.
Tell all your friends about us.
Come on, Brandy.
Come on.
They sure look kind of sad
to leave us, didn't they?
Who wouldn't be?
All the wild flowers
and mountains?
And the fresh, clean air.
[coughing]
Hi.
Is Ruby around?
She's inside.
Ah, that's good.
Crazy lady, that one.
I just came out to--
Not to worry.
We have the money.
I know all about it.
That's the problem.
I'm sorry.
God knows I tried to
stop it, but they've
reclassified the property.
They what?
You've made it into a
commercial enterprise,
and it looks like you're going
to need an additional $1,800.
You never told us this when
we applied for the permit.
Ah, you're right.
I was remiss in that regard.
You were remiss?
Anyway, I've been
instructed to inform
you that the extra payment
is also due tomorrow at 3:00.
We can't.
We don't have enough.
Then you're going
to lose this property.
The government will
take possession.
You-- you wanted us to
lose this property all along.
I don't believe it.
Why?
Do you want to know why
this makes me happy, huh?
Do you?
I'll tell you.
I'll tell you.
I'm getting a
little tired of you
American types coming
up here and buying
up everything in sight, then
ignoring the property taxes.
This is a question of
national sovereignty.
Canada won't be pushed around.
Canada won't be pushed around.
Boy, that's catchy.
Maybe the boss will suggest
it for a national campaign.
Yeah.
Canada won't be pushed around.
I love it.
Isn't this about
the time the Duke
comes in and saves the day?
Who?
Never mind.
How much did we get?
All they offered was $1,500
for the Cadillac and the pick
up, and I just didn't
have the heart to sell.
Well, it's not enough anyway.
All the money is due at 3
o'clock at the courthouse.
RUBY: Damn government folks.
Always sticking it
to the little people.
Well, I tell you,
I'm not budging.
And if I ever find out
who hid my shotgun,
I ain't gonna make
it easy on him.
Take me now, Lord.
JESSIE: We worked so hard.
We're a success, and
we just don't care.
Cody?
Where did he go?
He just went outside.
Let him deal with it
in his own way, Jess.
He's always been a loner.
Deal with it?
Oh, my god, the rodeo.
The rodeo is today.
He's trying for the
grand prize money.
Prize money?
$2,000 for winning.
We gotta stop him.
Wait.
Why do we have to stop him?
It's a wild horse contest.
If he gets thrown, he
may never walk again.
I'll buy him a wheelchair.
What the hell are you doing?
About the only thing
I can do to help.
Cody, you can't do it.
You'll be thrown again.
Jesse, I've got a
chance to save the ranch,
and it's our only hope.
It's not worth it.
If I don't try, I could
never live with myself.
Cody, you can't.
Don't be a fool.
You'll get yourself killed.
Go get Don and Ruby quick.
We've gotta stop Cody!
Cody, I can't let you
go through with this.
Damn it, Jess, I'm OK, and
I'm not going to get thrown.
You haven't been in a
contest for over six years.
I've just got to do it.
I can't let Cody do it, Ruby.
I got to ride in his place.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Yeah, I'd win too, you know.
I was the king in
my day, the king.
You still are.
You still are.
All right then it's settled.
I'm riding, and I'm winning.
Go get 'em, tiger.
All right.
I need a proper
saddle, you know?
Sturdy.
Something that will
take a lot of stress.
Here tell, I keep them
in that trailer right here.
Ruby, let me outta here.
You ain't riding
nothing, old man.
I'm seeing to that.
Ruby?
Let me out of here, damn it.
Damn you, woman.
Don't mind him, folks.
He's just my
husband, drunk again.
Ruby, damned you, woman.
Let me out.
I'm riding.
I am going to get you.
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Sure.
All right.
I'm a rider.
You're not doing it, Cody.
As much as it
pains me to say it,
I'm not letting you compete.
I haven't got time for this.
You're not getting past me.
Get out.
Ha yah!
My girlfriend, Buffy,
taught me this stuff.
Cody.
Cody.
Cody.
Is he all right?
I didn't mean to hurt him.
Thank you, Barry.
You saved the day.
And lost the ranch.
Say Jessie, just how tough
is this bucking bronco
stuff anyway?
This is crazy.
I'm going to get myself killed.
No, you won't.
Ah, stop your whining.
Now, grab that saddle,
and come on with me.
Look, New York, you can't
be a wimp all your life.
The Wild Rose Ranch
is at stake here.
Wait a minute.
You don't really expect me
to win this thing, do you?
Yes, damn it, I do,
and so should you.
There's too much
at stake not to.
ANNOUNCER: Dude number 7.
Cody Brewster, a cowboy.
Launch over the bucket horse.
Chestnut bucket horse.
Very good.
You can make you some
money if you use them.
You've got to stay
in the front end.
You've got to sprawl the horse--
Come on.
ANNOUNCER: And
with your free arm,
clear yourself of the horse.
You've got to make second rides.
You can do it, Barry.
Do it for us.
Do it for the Wild Rose Ranch.
ANNOUNCER: Look at
that cowboy ride.
Stay with him, Cody.
Cody is not only going
to make the record,
he's out to break the horse.
Whoa-hew.
ANNOUNCER: And doggie.
There goes one fine
rider, Cody Brewster.
Hey, Cody, come on
down and collect
your prize money, buddy.
You earned it.
Thank you.
Come on.
Jessie, Cody, I got it.
Well, get the truck started.
Come on.
Time is running out.
It's faster to ride
across the field.
Get going.
Stanley.
Doris.
Stella.
It's close enough.
Let's say we close up, and
I'll buy everybody all a beer
you can drink at the Alcana.
Gee, Norbert, thanks.
Great.
Don't you think we
should wait until 3:00?
Stella, nah.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
You don't have the money.
I know you don't have the money.
I got it!
I got it!
[clock strikes 3:00]
Nope.
You're too late.
We're closed.
But I've got all the
cash I need right here.
You're finished.
You defaulted.
Chalk one up for Canada.
You lost it.
He hasn't lost a
thing, you creep.
Andrea?
Howdy, cowboy.
One tax bill signed,
sealed, and paid in full.
What's going on?
You paid it?
That's right.
Even this hick town
knows a good traveler's
check when it sees one.
Now, move over.
Stanley!
Stanley!
Stella!
Oh.
Look, I'll pay you back.
I promise.
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it?
What do you mean
don't worry about it?
I'd rather have
the investment.
You might never
get any in return.
We'll work something out.
Besides, I've always been
intrigued by real estate
and it's fringe benefits.
[theme music]
DIRECTOR: Help her out now.
Get out.
Are we cut?
DIRECTOR: Yes.
Help her out.
Out this way.
[laughing]
Well, let me buy
the place back.
I don't make much, but I
got a little in the bank,
and I can pay in installments.
Hey, New York, you've
got two minutes to move
that skinny butt out of your--
Maybe she'll feel
better after a hot shower.
Oh, god.
You did fix the hot
water, didn't you?
Nope.
Should I have I?
Should I have I?
Oh, my god, the rodeo.
The rodeo is today!
(ALL) Oh, my god.
The rodeo!
The rodeo is today!
ANNOUNCER (ON RADIO):
Flashy new tune
from a guy called Gary Vilgar
departing from up north
of the 49th parallel.
The guys refer to down
here as a frost back.
But it's nice to get
something from up there
rather than another
cold front, isn't it?
Definitely no problem
with that today.
It's going to be another
scorcher in Apple,
or as they say in Canada,
it's going to be hot, eh?
As we say down here it's
going to damn hot, man.
Get out of my face.
It is 7:29 with the
Reverend Good Morning.
You'd better shake it up.
You're going to be late, and
try to come up with a man excuse
than the alarm didn't go off.
Try this one.
It worked for me.
I'm sorry, Mr. Scridlow, but
the neighbors kept me up all
night polishing their dog.
And you know how noisy
that can be, especially
with on of those new
electric dog polishers
with the feets and the tweets
and neat power raker bar.
Trust me, that will
get you off the hook.
Did you read the
headlines this morning?
Mouthwash madness?
Somebody is on the
hook in this big pooh.
You gotta check your bottle out,
but stay away from this stuff,
especially if you
have a big interview.
Unless they were planning on
hiring Mickey Mouse anyway.
FIFI: Good morning.
Good morning, Fifi.
Jackson, what is it?
Well?
What?
Speak to me.
(FEMALE VOICE)
We've got a problem.
What's wrong with your voice?
(FEMALE VOICE) A
mix up at the lab.
Macho Mouthwash has developed
some strange side effects.
Mouthwash?
Oh, my god.
We got to stop the shipments.
The went out yesterday.
(FEMALE VOICE) Didn't
you get Kevin's memo?
Memo?
(FEMALE VOICE) We
shipped 200,000 cases.
Rosie?
Shafferton.
Has old man McDanell
heard the news?
Ah!
Ah!
(FEMALE VOICE) He's heard.
Never mind.
Yo, Bare.
Train late from
the city, or what?
Ah, Louis.
Leslie wasn't there
to pick me up.
Have you seen her?
Yeah.
As a matter of fact, I did.
Listen, I hate to be the
one to break it to you,
but she split, man.
What do you mean?
Where did she go?
Hey, pal, I don't know.
But she must have given the
address to the guys in the van.
Van?
What van?
The movers.
They just left a
little while ago.
What movers?
What are you talking about?
That's not all.
She took the Porsche too, hon.
My car?
She took my car?
What the hell is going on here?
Hey, listen, don't
let it get to you, bud.
So the chick has got your car.
You'll get another one.
I mean, it's not like
she took your McDonald's
stock or anything.
And the furniture, well,
she's done you a favor.
A favor?
She moved out my furniture.
You call that do me a favor?
Well, you had
to move it anyway.
Here.
Feast your eyes on this.
It's your notice to vacate.
Vacate?
Hey, it was an offer
I couldn't refuse.
The company wanted every
house on the block.
They paid top dollar for it.
So you gotta get out.
I had no choice.
All my tenants got to vacate.
And I knew you'd cooperate
so I signed for you, buddy.
You signed my name?
Ah, Tony.
Listen, I gotta run.
I promised I'd take
the lady shopping.
Oh, this came for you.
It's from some lawyer up town.
It seems like some
relative croaked and well,
left you something.
Talk about your lucky day.
Well, gotta run.
Ciao, babe.
Mr. Shafferton?
Yes.
Mr. Hutchinson.
Yes.
Everything seems to be in order.
I'm going to just need some
signatures before we proceed.
Sit down, please.
No one has told me exactly
what it is my uncle left me.
Oh, of course.
It's real estate.
He's left you his ranch
property in Alberta.
Alberta?
Canada.
Oh, land.
Yes.
Land.
Yes.
Real estate.
Yes.
All right.
Mr. Shafferton, please,
this is a business office.
I have always been
intrigued by real estate
and its fringe benefits.
Real estate.
It is so solid.
But just how big is
this place anyway?
Just under 1,000 acres.
1,000 acres?
Yes!
Yes!
Yesterday unemployment.
Today development city!
Whew!
[dog barking]
Hello.
Are you here for me?
You Shafferton?
Yeah.
Yeah, you can call me Barry.
I'm Cody.
Welcome to Alberta.
Are we going to get
this crate moving,
or are we going to sit
here till we rust up?
Well, I've got some luggage.
I can see that.
Toss it in.
Me and Brandy about
ready for supper.
[honks horn]
City boys.
[rooster crowing]
Who does he think he is
any ways, the Shah of Iran?
Imagine walking in here
and asking for all types
of fancy foods for supper.
Demanding to know
just who I was.
Well, I didn't expect
him to be so young.
What do you think he'll do?
I know what he won't do.
He won't be sashaying
around my kitchen.
I don't care who
he thinks he is.
I never thought
it would happen.
Old man Shafferton
giving the ranch away.
Nothing in life
is what you expect.
Nothing.
Look at that.
7:30 and I'm still
at the dishes.
He's already turning
the place all up
and skedaddled around here.
But things are going to change.
OK, New York, you've
got two minutes
to move that skinny body
of yours out of that bed,
or I'm going to move it for you.
What the hell are you doing?
Get out of my room.
Look, Big Apple, nobody
sleeps when I work.
Right now I plan to
make this bed, so get
the hell up and out of here.
Shit!
There.
That ought to keep
you going, girl.
Horses look real good, Jess.
The boys should be impressed.
Impressed?
Not by these horses, I'll bet.
Maybe if they were a polo pony.
Now daughter, give
the boy a chance.
Hell, it's his ranch now.
Well, I doubt if
he'll keep it long.
Country life just isn't
for him, you know?
And I think he's probably
the type that will sell out
just about as fast as he can.
Sell out?
But there's no buyers,
at least not now.
There's always a buyer
at the right price.
Cody!
Don!
Anybody!
Yeah, we're in here.
Hey, fellas,
this place stinks.
Let's get somebody in
here to clean it up.
Where is everybody? where
is the rest of the staff?
Right here.
What do you mean?
Only to of you?
Well, there's three.
Jesse is out back, and there's
four if you count Ruby.
But for a ranch this
size, it's ridiculous.
Now, just hold it there, boy.
You put those animals away!
Now, take it easy, chief.
Those calves are pretty
tame for the most part.
Clean this place up.
I'm going to take a shower.
[laughter]
Oh, Ruby is it?
Can I have my coffee
in here, please?
Hm.
Excuse me?
Look, I am willing to forget
about our little incident
this morning, but I would like
my coffee in here now, please.
You want coffee?
Then go make it yourself.
Don't you mess up my kitchen.
What?
Me?
You're the cook.
It's your job.
A job is where you work
and somebody pays you.
Nobody is paying me and
hasn't for a long time.
I live here.
If the house needs
cleaning, I clean it.
And if you want coffee
and it ain't meal time,
then you go make it yourself.
Look, I thought--
You thought that you
were still in New York
where there was all
kinds of people who will
take your brand of bullshit.
Well, you're not.
Obviously.
But if you're not employees,
then why are you here?
You may own this ranch,
but you don't own us.
We've kept this place
going as best we could.
Them bills will tell you that.
I hope you inherited
a pile of money
when you inherited this ranch
'cause you're going to need it.
Cody.
Yeah.
I need to go into
town, to the bank.
OK.
Sounds like a hell of an idea.
You know, I've got to get a few
things for the horses anyway.
Let's go.
BARRY: What's the
bank manager like?
CODY: Let's put it this way,
I'd rather waltz with a bear.
BARRY: Do you think there's
a chance for a loan?
CODY: I wouldn't
bet money on it.
I gave up on bank
managers a long time ago.
BARRY: Where's Don going?
CODY: He spends every Tuesday
talking about the old days over
at the barbershop.
Here you go.
I'm going to the Elkana.
Tip a few.
I'll see you in there.
You boys have fun.
I'll pick you up
at closing time.
Wish me luck.
You go get 'em, boy.
[MUSIC - JESSE BURNS, "THE WRONG
MR. RIGHT"]
I met let wrong Mr. Right hold
me just a little too tight.
Make me feel a little too right.
Hey, Sweetheart.
This ain't your kind of bar.
We don't like city
boys around here.
Hi, fellas.
Don't worry about it.
I think it's going to take them
a while to get used to you.
Did you find out what
you wanted to know?
JENNY: Hi, honey.
What will you have?
A double vodka
spritzer, please.
Say what?
CODY: He'll have a beer, Jenny.
OK.
So did you?
Well, yes and no.
I found out what I
asked for, but it
was not what I wanted to know.
I kind of think maybe you were
expecting the Ponderosa Ranch.
No.
Well, yeah.
I guess so.
Oh, yes.
Money.
Thanks.
Keep bringing them, Jenny.
JENNY: OK.
I think we're going
to be here for a while.
[laughing]
OK, boys, last call.
Oh, come on, Jenny.
You know, you are a
really beautiful person.
No, I Really mean that.
All right.
Keep them coming, Jenn.
We're doing just fine.
Oh, I can see that.
Will you marry me?
Sure, honey.
Sure.
But first, I have to
finish this shift.
Cody, she is a really
beautiful person.
I really mean that.
[MUSIC - ELDORADO, "WANNA BE A
COUNTRY SINGER"]
I want to be a country singer.
I want to ride on reso bus.
I want to act kind of
silly, try to sing a nip.
Won't you find me so
fast and make a fuss.
I'll be all rich when
I'm up on the stage.
I want to be a country singer.
I'll hit number one.
Have my day in the sun.
I want to be a country
singer 'cause country
singers have fun.
I want to be a country singer.
I want to do all
the things I please.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Cody.
Cody!
Hey, Cody!
Hey.
Hey, stop it.
Hey, wait.
Wait a minute.
Stop it.
Stop it.
[sighing]
Couldn't you manage
to work someplace else?
Ruby wouldn't let me sleep in.
What is your problem?
No problem.
No problem at all.
You know something?
All of you people have a
severe attitude problem.
How about a little
gratitude considering you
all live here for
free on my property.
Live free?
Why you ignorant,
smug little bastard.
I guess you never out of
work a day in your life.
You're saying I live free?
Well, it is my property.
Before that it was my uncle's.
And my guess is
you were all just
a bunch of disgruntled
ex-employees
hoping to be rehired.
Your uncle won this ranch.
He tricked my dad into putting
up the ranch in a poker game.
Mr. Shafferton, he took the
deed and the liquid assets
and forgot about it.
My dad, he hasn't taken
a drink since that night.
I had no idea.
We've been keeping this
place going all these years,
paying for the taxes and
the upkeep when we could.
Why didn't you just
invoice his accountants then?
Invoice his accountants?
You don't have a clue, do you?
We tried.
They told us to sell everything
and vacate the property.
We had to get a court order to
get them to allow us to stay.
Without money, how
could we run it right?
Oh, Jessie.
Jessie, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
Well, there's a
lot you don't know.
Wait.
So how do you keep it going now?
Dad's pension
for the most part.
Whatever I can make waitressing.
You know, you think
you'd have the decency
to will this place back to Dad.
Jessie, I'm sorry
you lost the place,
but it's all I have now too.
If I can't make it work,
then I've got nothing.
Well, let me buy the
place back from you.
Look, I don't make much, but
I got a little in the bank,
and I could pay in installments.
No.
No, I'm not selling.
Bastard.
You're no better
than your uncle.
Don't let her
concern you, son.
The ranch is rightfully
yours, and we're just
actively letting her stay on.
Yeah, but Jessica.
Jessie?
She loves the place
all right, but she'll
do just fine any place.
[MUSIC - MICHAEL PAUL
DEMENJES, "I'VE GOT
A FEELING IT'S GOING TO RAIN"]
I made it home so
late last night.
Something that I've done before.
I could see that
the lights were on,
and you were
waiting at the door.
I've got a feeling that
I've done it this time.
That precious pilot
is starting to climb.
What, are you all right?
I will be.
We're almost there.
Damn well better be worth it.
I'm in serious pain here.
[MUSIC - MICHAEL PAUL
DEMENJES, "I'VE GOT
A FEELING IT'S GOING TO RAIN"]
I don't know what
possessed me to do all
the things I've done to you.
The sun was shining
just yesterday,
and now its dawn is on its way.
Those icy chills running
up and down my spine.
The clouds are forming, and
it's raining in my mind.
I've got a feeling clouds
moving in your heart.
I've got a feeling
it's going to rain.
There you go, Barry.
Hangover Heaven.
God.
This is one--
I feel fantastic.
Well, you know it's
a sure fire remedy.
I'm here and the mud that
hit you from the inside.
Some hot mud for the outside.
I can't move.
I feel damn good.
Say, what's in this stuff?
You know, I don't know.
There's something in his mud
is about the only thing that's
helped me since my accident.
Accident?
It's nothing serious.
What you do in New York?
I was an executive.
That's just a
glorified salesman.
Someday I'll tell
you all about it.
You know, this place
is absolute nirvana.
I never knew it, but
you cowboys got it made.
I suppose there's nothing
like this back in a big city.
Like slap butt on the faces
of spoiled oil rich women,
but nothing like this.
So you're not going to
give up on our flea-bitten
excuse for a ranch?
No way.
Uncle Bob probably thought
is was a big joke when
he willed it to me, but at
least this flea-bitten excuses
is mine.
Hell, ours.
[laughing]
[gun shots]
That came from the house.
Let's go.
Now, Ruby, just calm down.
We go through this every year.
And every year I tell
you the same thing.
It's not my ranch, and
them aren't my taxes.
I just live here.
Now get.
But Ruby, you know I
got to serve the notice.
It's my job, and you make
it tougher every year.
Besides, sooner
or later, somebody
is going to take care of it.
[dog barking]
What's going on?
Who are you?
My name is Norbert Tase
from the county courthouse.
I was just delivering
the tax report
to Ruby like I do every year.
Well, I'm the new owner here.
Give it to me.
New owner?
Well, congratulations, sir.
Are you a Canadian citizen?
Yes, from New York State.
My name is Barry Shafferton.
US of A, aye?
Well, this then is for you, sir.
We expect payment.
No more delays.
Sorry about that.
I'll take care of everything.
$10,000.
Plus $1,200 in back interest.
Why did you tell them
you own the damn place?
I've been putting them guys
off for the past 10 years,
and they could have waited
another 10 for all I care.
The taxes have to be paid.
You can't just keep
putting them off.
We could lose the ranch.
Well, it didn't seem to matter
so long as I kept them away
and there was no one they could
serve their damn papers to.
Facts are facts.
Now they want their cash.
Good god, $11,200.
Well, I can't let this happen.
I am not going to
lose anything anymore.
Well, if I could make 80 grand
a year selling colored water,
I could sure pull something
out of this place.
Maybe you could
talk to them again.
Maybe we should have
stayed in the mud.
What I say?
I'm not sure,
but I think you may
have caught on to something.
What?
What?
Well, he said maybe we
should have stayed in the mud.
And maybe that's our answer.
I really don't understand.
Today, Cody took me
out to the mud baths.
RUBY: Yeah.
So?
He takes everyone out there
after he's been on a bender.
Well, don't you get it?
Those mud baths could
be worth a fortune
I think you'd better
head back to the big city.
I think the clean air
is getting to you.
No.
Here me out.
My old girlfriend, Buffy,
used to spend thousands
of dollars going to
health spas and fat farms
and natural clinics.
Well, every time
he needed a rest,
she disappeared in one of those
places, dumped a pile of money,
and come back feeling great.
Yeah, but those places
all need tons of equipment.
No.
Not all of them.
Well, the newest ones are
like going to boot camp.
They put you up in dorms.
They make you exercise
and breathe fresh air.
Well, we got everything we
need right here, almost.
How about feeding
all those city folks?
That's just the thing.
They practically
starving them to death.
And we've got the mud.
Exactly.
It's a natural.
It might work, son, but
you're going to need some money.
Well, I sort of thought
you all might help me out.
Well, I'll pay you back
after everything is paid off.
With a bonus.
All right.
And a fat salary to boot.
No.
What do you mean no?
This is our ranch.
If you want the money, I
suggest we form a partnership.
OK.
Sure.
You can all work
with a percentage.
M-m.
50/50.
Ownership of the
ranch and the spa.
Well, partners on the ranch?
Oh, you gotta be kidding.
This was Don's ranch
and would be Jessie's I'd
rather see the government
get it than the likes
of some city dude.
Looks like you've got
a Mexican standoff, man.
[laughing]
Ah, what the hell.
I'll do my part.
Just keep those city
folks out of my kitchen.
Hot dog.
God.
I'm sorry.
[laughing]
- Wait.
Wait.
Truce.
Truce.
Truce.
Looking real good, eh?
Well, I think Jessie
is doing a real fine job.
Well, we should do pretty well
with customers out of these,
I think.
These are nice-looking boots.
[whistling]
Well, what do you think?
I don't think much.
Do I look like a cowboy?
You sure do look
like a cowboy.
Yee dawgy!
OK, here are the rest
of the brochures.
Now, this is very important.
How long for these to
get to New York City?
Oh, for you, Mr.
Shaferton, about four days.
Shafferton.
Right.
Definitely.
Hello, "Spa Review,"
can you please
connect me to your publisher?
Yes, Ms. Greenberg.
My name?
Sissy Van Ellington.
Oh, Andrea, Darlene.
I am surprised.
I just spent two fabulous weeks
in Canada at the most wonderful
rustic spa.
And I find that no one, just no
one has heard of it from you.
Andrea dear, you
must know about it.
You always know about
the best places.
Are you sure you haven't
been keeping this place
your own special secret?
I mean, I went through
all your back issues
and there was nothing,
but nothing, dear.
Thank heavens Liz
told me over lunch.
But I thought you were
on top of everything.
Oh, Wild Rose Ranch.
I have it right here.
Brag Creek, Alberta.
In Canada, dear.
It's so-- so basic,
so wonderfully fresh.
You owe it to your
readers, dearest.
Wonderful.
Love your column on hot oils.
Must run.
Kisses.
Well, what she say?
She said she hasn't missed
coverage on a good spa yet.
And I can count on seeing
it in a future issue.
Jessie, you are fantastic.
You're a natural.
Put it there, partner.
What was that for?
People been shoveling bull
crap at us all these years.
Dishing some of it
back is a pleasure.
Yeah?
Well, cross your fingers
and hope that Ms. Greenberg
does that article on us, Ruby.
Because it could
make us all rich.
And famous?
You're doing fine, girl.
You're just doing fine.
They are beautiful.
Where did they come from?
Matt Samuelsen.
I owned a sum of his stock.
I think pretty girl here
might need a little more work.
Anyway, Jessica, could you
bring that doctor bills?
Sorry.
I forgot.
You forgot?
What?
You know, you're not too big
for me to take you over my knee.
But you're going to
have to catch me first.
Jessie, is that you?
No, it's Hulk Hogan.
Of course, it's me.
Whoa.
What's wrong with you?
Gee.
I think you've been
in the sun too long.
Ruby?
Ruby.
Whoa, Jessie.
Looking good.
Think so?
I'm breathless.
Do I look like an
activities coordinator?
Kelly did a complete
makeover on me.
Said she wanted to
do it for years.
You are perfect.
You don't think something
more sporty would be better.
No.
No, not at all.
In fact, you look great.
Well, it's still
me under the makeup.
I know.
I know.
In fact, I'm still
kicking myself for not
noticing your potential before.
Maybe I should have
done this a while ago.
BARRY: Five bookings.
Five.
Obviously, I've failed somewhere
in my marketing strategy.
But where?
- It's a start.
Oh, god, why doesn't she call?
[grunting]
Cancellation, right?
No, a booking.
Another one of them
hoity-toity, New York types.
New York.
Yeah.
Name of Greenblatt, Greenwald,
something like that.
Greenberg?
Wait.
Andrea Greenberg?
Yeah.
How did you know?
Well, why didn't you say so?
Just take it easy, boy.
Real pushy woman, you know?
Kept demanded some got
a special treatment.
Hell, I told her she
was going to get exactly
what everybody else got.
Are you crazy?
She's the publisher of
"Spa Review," the bible
of the health and fitness set.
Of course, she gets
special treatment.
If we disappoint
her, we're finished.
Ah, this is the woman who single
handedly destroyed the tourist
trade in Saint-Moritz
because they
allowed her to get a sunburn.
Oh, calm down.
She's going to love it here.
DON: Especially with all
the improvements we've done.
I don't believe it.
She's going to expect Club Med.
All we've got is Maw and
Paw Yokum and dogpatch.
This is going to be a disaster.
KATHY: Oh, I love it.
It's so minimalist.
Well, hello there, cowboy.
You're from the
Wild Rose, I hope.
That's right, ma'am.
Great.
I was worried the
spa didn't offer
my favorite form of exercise.
Ah, ladies, if
you'd get in the car,
I'd be happy to
get your luggage.
Miller, is this your
idea of a short cut?
Sorry Ms. Greenberg, but
this is the only access
road to the spa.
How long on this road?
About 16 miles.
[speaking french]
[honking horn]
Ladies.
Ladies, welcome to
the Wild Rose Ranch.
My name is Barry Shafferton.
I'm the spa's general manager.
So ah, where's the bar?
Oh, sorry, ladies.
No bar.
No central air conditioning.
No television.
No bar?
Ladies, you're here to
revitalize yourselves,
to re evaluate your physical
and emotional potential.
My emotional potential
was revitalized
when I got my divorce.
My name is Jessie McCafferty,
and I'll be your activities
coordinator for this session.
Consider this to
be like boot camp.
Yeah, cowboy boot camp.
This will be an event in
your lives, one week guaranteed
to change them for the better.
If you all come
inside with me,
I'll introduce you to
the rest of the staff.
Oh.
Miller, take it easy.
Everybody, this is Ruby.
She's our dietitian in charge
of the menus, balancing
starches, fats, and proteins.
Ruby, these are
our first guests.
Hello.
This is--
Renee.
Lisa.
Estelle.
Alice.
I'm Kathy.
Welcome, ladies.
Oh, an antique Cuisine Art.
Out.
Out.
Out you go.
Ruby.
Now, rule number 1, ladies.
See this black line?
It's there for a
very good reason.
Nobody, but nobody steps
into this kitchen but me.
It's off limits, you here?
Well, actually,
that's a good rule.
Because some people like to
snack, and we can't have that.
Now, ladies if you'll just come
with me into the living room,
we'll get comfy in here.
She doesn't have
a shotgun, does she?
Oh, no.
No.
No.
Her bark is worse
than her bite, really.
Ah, Ms. Greenberg.
Barry Shafferton?
Yes.
Yes.
Well, excuse me for staring.
I was expecting
someone much older.
Oh, come now, Mr.
Shafferton, you don't honestly
think that my mother would waste
her time in a place like this,
do you?
This better be good.
This better be damn good.
Oh, it is.
I admit the road
situation is a problem.
A problem?
Listen, just show me to my room,
a shower, and the damn phone.
I'll go through these
formalities later.
[screaming]
I'm sorry.
Here, let me help you up.
That's it.
We're finished.
She hates it already.
What she doing, packing?
Packing?
She hasn't unpacked yet.
Well, maybe she'll feel
better after a hot shower.
Oh, god.
The hot water is
hooked up, isn't it?
Not yet.
Should it be?
Should it be?
ANDREA: Ah!
I hate cold showers!
Now, are you sure
this person has a phone?
Definitely.
Wait!
Wait, Andrea!
Andrea, wait.
Just give us an
extra chance, please?
Just a few more days.
I have a responsibility
to my readers.
This place ought
to be condemned.
Don!
Don, you trader!
How could you do this to me?
How could you do it to us?
Andrea.
Andrea, wait, please.
Andrea!
Ah.
Ah!
You know what, Alice,
this place is fabulous.
I couldn't agree more.
Oh, by the way, Estelle, did
you know that Andrea from "Spa
Review Magazine" is here?
She's going to be taking
lots and lots of pictures.
You're kidding?
I read that magazine
all the time.
We'd better make our
tooshes look good.
Speaking of cute
tooshes, don't you think
that Barry is a hunk-a-roo?
Oh, I agree.
You better watch out, Estelle.
You're going to have
some competition in me.
Tell you what, Alice.
I'll have Barry Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays.
You can have him Tuesdays and
Thursdays, only longer hours.
All is fair in love
and war, Estelle.
It's a deal.
Hold that pose.
Get it?
Got it.
Good.
ANDREA: This is
absolutely incredible.
I never imagined it
could be this beautiful.
Yeah, when I
was a young boy, I
dreamt of moving to the city--
Calgary, Toronto,
hell, even New York.
You're lucky you never left.
You're very lucky.
- Over there, boy.
That's it.
Hell, I used to look
at this country as one
large snow-covered forest.
It started at the
American border
and went right on up
to the North Pole.
I guess I got that idea
from all those old Sergeant
Renfrew and Rose-Marie movies.
Real fairy tales, them things.
We saw them too.
You know, your manager
ought to be arrested.
This is no spa.
But well, it does have
a certain allure to it.
We like it.
Well, I'm here now,
so I might as well
try to make the best of it.
[rooster crowing]
ANDREA: Dear mother, this
is really some project
you've assigned me to.
I can't tell you
how appreciative
I am of the opportunity.
Rustic spa it isn't.
Rip off, it is.
Bad enough, the walks take
us over manure-ridden trails,
but the worst part is
that sleazy little cretin
of a manager has attached
himself to me like glue.
No wonder.
That brochure we
got was fabricated
from the farthest reaches of
any of mind he may have had.
His activities coordinator
must have had a budget
of less than $10 to work with.
Teeter totters, Air Force
calisthenics on the lawn.
Why, I've been here three
days, and I haven't even been
offered a facial or a manicure.
And that creep is always
just one step behind me.
I don't even want to
talk about the evening
fresh air chicken chases.
[screaming]
Oh.
[light laughter]
Come in.
The water is fine.
This is just great.
Oh.
This is gross.
Wonderful.
Hey, cowboy.
What are you doing out here?
Shouldn't you be watching
this like a lifeguard?
Well, I think you can
all look after yourselves.
Besides, it seems a few of
you might have forgotten
to bring your bathing suits.
Like me?
Miss, maybe you should
go back with the others.
I'd rather play with you.
Wait.
Cody!
Jessie!
Wait, damn it!
Jess!
This is heaven.
You can forget all about
your divorce, Estelle.
Divorce?
Arnold?
I've forgotten all about him.
(TOGETHER) Have you ever
been married before, Lisa?
No.
Honey, you haven't
missed nothing.
Believe me.
- Absolutely.
So tell me about
your man, Renee.
Which one?
This is better than
any man I ever had.
I'll say.
All I need is a drink in
this hand, and I'll be fine.
Hey, Alice, did you know
your kneecaps are rising?
Estelle, these are
not my knee caps.
These are my boobs.
Well, honey, my incidentals
are no bigger than two lentils.
Oh, my god.
It's old faithful rising again.
Here comes the bubbles.
Ah-oh.
Who had beans for lunch?
Do you know what I
mean about this mud
being better than a man?
Speaking of men, this
mud is going to keep
my naturally youth for live.
You know something?
I wonder if this is
the fountain of youth.
That's a good point.
Alice, you know that
freckle on your face?
Yeah.
This would make
it look better.
Oh, you.
Don't you dare!
Oh, you sister.
Up your nose with a rubber hose.
[laughter]
Hey, Alice, you want a tan?
Here's a tan.
Oh, Estelle.
You know something,
Estelle, you'd
look good on the "Titanic."
Honey, I am the "Titanic."
Here I go.
This like the La Brea Tar Pits.
Oh, do you know what?
The saber-tooth tigers
never died with a smile
on their faces.
Get me.
I'm like a beached whale you
trying to get me out of here.
How about we get
out now and have one
of Ruby's 1,000 calorie meals.
Yeah, I'm famished.
OK, ever woman for herself.
[laughing]
Jessie growed up, and
I never even noticed.
I'm starved.
Dr. [inaudible] should
put this in his book.
Oh, my goodness.
Those beans.
And there's steak.
At last, we're having
something like this.
Wow.
So hungry.
CODY: Hi, Jessie.
Well, Romeo,
missed you at supper.
I wasn't hungry.
Ruby outdid herself tonight.
Guess she is going to
stop making that stuff
Barry wants her to serve.
Jessie, about this afternoon.
Oh, sorry about that.
I mean, walking
in on you and all.
Well, nothing happened.
She's a wild girl who
didn't mean a thing.
You don't have to
explain things to me.
You're a big boy.
She's an attractive woman,
and I'm not your mother.
Jessie.
Valentino threw a shoe.
Fix it.
Oh, and tell Kathy not to
make it a late night tonight.
Trail ride is tomorrow.
Jessie.
Jessie.
Well, afternoon, ladies.
Seeing you're going to
be using these horses,
I figure y'all should
learn to ride them.
Now, you take Valentino
here, why like most horses,
he's a gentle animal.
You learn to treat him right,
he's going to treat you right.
Does Valentino have
a lot of girlfriends?
She means do you use
him for stud purposes.
Valentino?
No.
We had high hopes, but well,
he never had the right stuff.
Why is that?
Well, I guess a good
stud is hard to find.
Tell me about it.
[giggling]
I thought I'd lost you.
Well, not to worry.
I've been keeping
a close eye on you.
Has it ever occurred
to you that I might
be trying to get rid of you?
You won't find any of
these growing in New York.
Don't pick.
Look, Andrea, let's lay
our cards on the table.
Just exactly what problems
do you have with the ranch?
You mean besides
the fact that you've
misrepresented yourself by
advertising professional staff?
Your quote unquote, "dietitian"
serves an average of 3,000
calories a meal to each guest.
Yeah.
And since you're the huckster
that convinced these people
to turn their ranch into a
side show, in a nutshell,
you're slime.
OK.
Besides that?
Ruby.
You're going to have
to wait for lunch.
I'm not running a deli here.
Sure look mighty
pretty, Miss Ruby.
You don't look
so bad yourself.
Well, thank you.
I brought your
favorite bon bons.
Now what are you
doing so dressed up?
Well, I was kind
of wondering if you
could see your way
clear into accompanying
me on a little walk.
A walk?
Of course, then
we do have the house
to ourselves all afternoon.
Why you dirty old bag of
flea-bitten, prairie dog.
You get out of here.
OK.
On a scale of 1 to
10, what do you say?
Do you really want
me to answer that?
Yes.
Actually, in spite of the
fact that your place is more
like a dude ranch than
an accredited health spa,
they all seem to
like it, and they're
having the time of their lives.
Ah, come on, Andrea,
what do you say, thumbs up,
thumbs down?
I haven't decided yet.
[screaming]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Here.
Ups.
Andrea!
[screaming]
I'm sorry.
Yes, operator collect
from Andrea Greenberg.
Hi, Carol.
Connect me with Audrey.
Hi, Audrey, I got a great
teaser for the dailies.
OK.
Health forum will
feature an expose
on bogus health retreats,
most notably the Wild Rose
Ranch near Calgary, Alberta.
"The women are
promised professional,
physical, and emotional
therapy under the shadow
of the Rocky Mountains.
The state-of-the-art facilities
consist of a once-abandoned
ranch with a fresh
coat of paint,
a dietitian who never attended
grade school and thinks
nitrates is what them
New York perverts
pay sleazy hotel clerks
for hourly ron dayz vous."
Their healing methods, I have
to admit, are very relaxing.
There's a few other things too.
The strange thing is that every
one of their paying customers
loves it.
(ALL) To the Wild Rose Ranch.
There's not a complaint
from any of them.
Forget what I just said, OK?
Dump all of it out.
Run the file stuff.
I want to do a
little more research.
Hey, Jessie, come
on over here, darling.
Hi, guys.
Looking good tonight, Jess.
Buy you a beer?
Sure.
Jenny, one more over here.
Can I talk to
you for a moment?
Sure.
I didn't know you
were going with Cody.
Of course, I should
have guessed.
Who says I am?
The old man at the ranch.
Dad?
What?
Cool it, cutie.
I just wanted you to
know that I didn't know
and that nothing happened
that day or since.
He's a nice guy.
JESSIE: Yeah, I know.
Then what are you
doing sitting here?
Two beers, pal.
Got it.
[MUSIC - GARY FJELLGAARD, "PRIDE
OF THE PRAIRIE"]
She's the pride of the
prairie, roll in the river.
She's the mist on the
mountain, the salt of the land.
She's a cold January
who woke up to light.
She's the pride of the
prairie, a true love of mine.
She's the gold of our sun
runs, the green of the cream.
She's the red of a sunset.
She's chained, but she's free.
She's a glow on the fire
and strawberry wine.
She's the pride of the
prairie, a true love of mine.
She is all that I am dreaming.
She's heaven above.
She's a pride of the
prairie, the woman I love.
And I'll keep on loving
till the end of my time.
The pride of the prairie,
a true love of mine.
She's the pride of the
prairie, a true love of mine.
BARRY: Cody.
Cody?
Hey, Cody, you're on.
SINGER: Come on, Cody.
You haven't been up
here for a while.
[cheers]
All right.
OK, you asked for it.
Well, this is one
of my own songs,
and it's a real
special song to me.
And I wrote it for
a girl named Jessie.
(ALL) Ah!
[MUSIC - GARY FJELLGAARD, "DANCE
WITH THIS OLD COWBOY"]
He was leather and dust.
He was bent and burst and just
a worn-out, broken-down cowboy.
He was rodeo, but
that was years ago.
Now the rodeo is over.
And she was young and soft,
and every hat came off
in respect for hope and beauty.
She was a dance hall prize
in every young man's eyes
and in the heart
of that old cowboy.
I wanna hold you
close to me, he said.
I wanna feel my arms around you.
And if you don't
mind my asking you,
would you dance with
those old cowboy?
That cowboy fell in love,
head over heals in love
with that vision of a prairie.
Would you dance with me?
He so bravely asked her?
His last dance just a memory.
And though she's small of the
smile, liked to melt his heart,
she said you almost
had me worried.
I've been waiting all night.
I thought you'd never ask me.
I'm so glad you
found the courage.
I wanna hold you
close to me, he said.
I wanna feel my arms around you.
And if you don't
mind my asking you,
would you dance with
this old cowboy?
I wanna hold you
close to me, he said.
I wanna feel my arms around you.
And if you don't
mind my asking you,
would you dance with
this old cowboy.
Would you dance with
this old cowboy?
[cheering]
All right.
Yes.
Thank you.
That was beautiful.
[cheering]
Come on, Barry.
Let's go back to the table.
I need another drink.
Oh, great.
That's it.
I'm finished.
It's all over.
I fail to see the
humor in the situation.
We got a gold mine here.
If we lose the ranch,
some other operator will
just move in and start over.
OK, granted, for a health
spa, it's a little unorthodox.
Kathy?
Kathy?
[MUSIC - ELDORADO,
"NORTH OF 49"]
Well, I never been to
Nashville, Tennessee.
But everyone is telling me if
country music is what you want,
it's where you want to be.
You can hear it.
You don't have to go that far.
You can feel it.
You don't need to be a
star to play and listen
to that northern country music.
Yeah, dancing to
northern country music.
Well, it ain't only Texas
cowboy's two step all night
long.
You don't need no
Dixie drawl just
to say what you feel in a song.
Don't get me wrong, I think
that what they're doing,
they're fairly fine.
We got magic of our own
just north of the 49.
That's for you, Cody, the
Hop to You Drop Bronco Contest.
You used to win that
ever year, before you--
what you do?
Well, I hurt my
back, Clarence.
But you know, I don't need
that stuff anymore because I'm
a business tycoon now.
Come on, cowboy.
I'm taking you home.
And if plan on spending
any more time with me,
they'll be no more drinking.
Sounds good.
Prize money this
year is $2,000.
You can do it.
$2,000?
Come on, hotshot.
You get thrown by one horse,
and I'll be nursing a cripple
for the rest of my life.
You'd make a beautiful nurse.
Get in.
You can do it, Cody!
You can win it!
Hey, Donny, have you
met my fiance here?
I just said yes
to a honeymoon.
Sorry, Jenny.
This fella is a no
shape for a honeymoon.
Estelle.
I'm Alice.
I'm Estelle.
Is it true that twins
have a special bond?
(TOGETHER) I suppose.
I wouldn't really know.
Then why did the two of
you come here together?
Well, I just got a divorce.
And I was feeling her pain.
Yeah.
You might say--
(TOGETHER) --we're
having an identical crisis.
[laughing]
Gin.
(TOGETHER) Again?
Good evening, ladies.
Bit of a late night tonight?
Who the hell are you?
Corporal Gordon, ma'am.
RCMP.
What's that?
Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Oh.
We're cops, ladies.
We're going to have to ask to
be allowed into the bunk house.
Regulations.
- The bunkhouse?
- Sorry.
This spa has not applied
for a liquor license.
We've had some complaints.
Oh, I'm bringing in a few.
Well, I can show
you the bunkhouse.
I've been trying to get a
man in my room all week.
Thanks.
[laughter]
Shut up!
It's a raid.
The cops are right behind me.
Quick, give me the
booze and grass.
We've got to get it out of here.
I just love men in uniforms.
Here, honey.
Yeah.
RCMP, ladies.
We'd like to speak to you.
So is it true that
you always get your man?
I guess so.
Yeah.
I usually do too.
- Ah!
- Look, officer.
She's fainting.
She needs artificial
insemination.
She means mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.
(TOGETHER) Quick.
Lay her down.
Come on, honey.
You'll be fine.
That's right.
Rub her hands.
Rub her feet.
Close the window.
She'll catch her death.
Here, honey.
Are you feeling better?
Yes.
much.
Much.
Thank you.
Thank you, officer.
Oh, no.
What's the matter, boy?
Feel a little sick?
Oh, my god.
Ms. Greenberg.
Oh.
DON: Barry.
Barry?
What!
DON: We got a problem.
Some damn fool
figured the horses
needed a party last night too.
They're dead drunk.
And I found these
in the horse trough.
And Ms. Greenberg's gone riding.
On a drunken horse?
Yep.
On the ridge?
That's the way
she was heading.
Come on.
Whoa.
What is wrong?
What is wrong with you?
Come on.
Come on.
Andrea!
Come on.
Come on.
What is wrong with you?
Whoa.
Aw!
Andrea?
Andrea, where are you?
[horse belches]
Andrea!
Andrea.
Oh, thank god, you're all right.
Look, don't say it.
Don't say anything.
You don't need to.
Look, I am so ashamed of myself.
I must have been insane to think
I could start up a health spa.
Barry, I think--
I'm giving their
money back, most of it.
We spent some of it.
I've been thinking
what we can--
We were desperate.
Look, go ahead.
What the hell.
Write it up.
God knows how many con games--
For God's sake shut up.
I love this place.
They love this place.
Those women have been to every
boring health spa imaginable.
There's more to life
than losing weight.
This place supplies
a happy medium.
You mean, you liked your stay?
Me?
I was painted,
mudded, and manured.
What do you think?
I'm sorry.
I'm not important.
Your paying customers are.
Those five ladies down
there are planning
on coming back here every year.
I've decided to showcase your
ranch as spa of the season.
Get out of town.
You're a hell of a
salesman, Shafferton.
All right.
Yes!
I'm sorry.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
[MUSIC - GARY
FJELLGAARD, ANDREW STEVENS,
LARRY HERRICKS & THE CREW,
"WILD ROSE CAMPFIRE SONG"]
Ain't seen enough until
I look at you now.
How you gonna work if
you don't know how.
How you gonna tell
an orange from a cow?
Hey, look at you now.
[inaudible],, take a
look at your clothes.
[inaudible] the old Wild Rose.
[inaudible] with
water and a hose.
Hey, look at you now.
Yee-haw.
(ALL SINGING)
Could you move it
on down to the Wild Rose Ranch?
Hey, look at you now.
[yodelling]
[cheering]
- Bye, ladies.
- Bye, sweetie.
Thanks so much.
Bye, Jessie.
Bye, sweetie.
We'll be up next summer.
Bye-bye.
Can I ride up front with you?
We'll be back.
Remember the Wild Rose.
All right.
- Ready to go?
- Yeah.
Sure.
Come on.
Keep up the riding lessons.
Bye.
Tell all your friends about us.
Come on, Brandy.
Come on.
They sure look kind of sad
to leave us, didn't they?
Who wouldn't be?
All the wild flowers
and mountains?
And the fresh, clean air.
[coughing]
Hi.
Is Ruby around?
She's inside.
Ah, that's good.
Crazy lady, that one.
I just came out to--
Not to worry.
We have the money.
I know all about it.
That's the problem.
I'm sorry.
God knows I tried to
stop it, but they've
reclassified the property.
They what?
You've made it into a
commercial enterprise,
and it looks like you're going
to need an additional $1,800.
You never told us this when
we applied for the permit.
Ah, you're right.
I was remiss in that regard.
You were remiss?
Anyway, I've been
instructed to inform
you that the extra payment
is also due tomorrow at 3:00.
We can't.
We don't have enough.
Then you're going
to lose this property.
The government will
take possession.
You-- you wanted us to
lose this property all along.
I don't believe it.
Why?
Do you want to know why
this makes me happy, huh?
Do you?
I'll tell you.
I'll tell you.
I'm getting a
little tired of you
American types coming
up here and buying
up everything in sight, then
ignoring the property taxes.
This is a question of
national sovereignty.
Canada won't be pushed around.
Canada won't be pushed around.
Boy, that's catchy.
Maybe the boss will suggest
it for a national campaign.
Yeah.
Canada won't be pushed around.
I love it.
Isn't this about
the time the Duke
comes in and saves the day?
Who?
Never mind.
How much did we get?
All they offered was $1,500
for the Cadillac and the pick
up, and I just didn't
have the heart to sell.
Well, it's not enough anyway.
All the money is due at 3
o'clock at the courthouse.
RUBY: Damn government folks.
Always sticking it
to the little people.
Well, I tell you,
I'm not budging.
And if I ever find out
who hid my shotgun,
I ain't gonna make
it easy on him.
Take me now, Lord.
JESSIE: We worked so hard.
We're a success, and
we just don't care.
Cody?
Where did he go?
He just went outside.
Let him deal with it
in his own way, Jess.
He's always been a loner.
Deal with it?
Oh, my god, the rodeo.
The rodeo is today.
He's trying for the
grand prize money.
Prize money?
$2,000 for winning.
We gotta stop him.
Wait.
Why do we have to stop him?
It's a wild horse contest.
If he gets thrown, he
may never walk again.
I'll buy him a wheelchair.
What the hell are you doing?
About the only thing
I can do to help.
Cody, you can't do it.
You'll be thrown again.
Jesse, I've got a
chance to save the ranch,
and it's our only hope.
It's not worth it.
If I don't try, I could
never live with myself.
Cody, you can't.
Don't be a fool.
You'll get yourself killed.
Go get Don and Ruby quick.
We've gotta stop Cody!
Cody, I can't let you
go through with this.
Damn it, Jess, I'm OK, and
I'm not going to get thrown.
You haven't been in a
contest for over six years.
I've just got to do it.
I can't let Cody do it, Ruby.
I got to ride in his place.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Yeah, I'd win too, you know.
I was the king in
my day, the king.
You still are.
You still are.
All right then it's settled.
I'm riding, and I'm winning.
Go get 'em, tiger.
All right.
I need a proper
saddle, you know?
Sturdy.
Something that will
take a lot of stress.
Here tell, I keep them
in that trailer right here.
Ruby, let me outta here.
You ain't riding
nothing, old man.
I'm seeing to that.
Ruby?
Let me out of here, damn it.
Damn you, woman.
Don't mind him, folks.
He's just my
husband, drunk again.
Ruby, damned you, woman.
Let me out.
I'm riding.
I am going to get you.
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Sure.
All right.
I'm a rider.
You're not doing it, Cody.
As much as it
pains me to say it,
I'm not letting you compete.
I haven't got time for this.
You're not getting past me.
Get out.
Ha yah!
My girlfriend, Buffy,
taught me this stuff.
Cody.
Cody.
Cody.
Is he all right?
I didn't mean to hurt him.
Thank you, Barry.
You saved the day.
And lost the ranch.
Say Jessie, just how tough
is this bucking bronco
stuff anyway?
This is crazy.
I'm going to get myself killed.
No, you won't.
Ah, stop your whining.
Now, grab that saddle,
and come on with me.
Look, New York, you can't
be a wimp all your life.
The Wild Rose Ranch
is at stake here.
Wait a minute.
You don't really expect me
to win this thing, do you?
Yes, damn it, I do,
and so should you.
There's too much
at stake not to.
ANNOUNCER: Dude number 7.
Cody Brewster, a cowboy.
Launch over the bucket horse.
Chestnut bucket horse.
Very good.
You can make you some
money if you use them.
You've got to stay
in the front end.
You've got to sprawl the horse--
Come on.
ANNOUNCER: And
with your free arm,
clear yourself of the horse.
You've got to make second rides.
You can do it, Barry.
Do it for us.
Do it for the Wild Rose Ranch.
ANNOUNCER: Look at
that cowboy ride.
Stay with him, Cody.
Cody is not only going
to make the record,
he's out to break the horse.
Whoa-hew.
ANNOUNCER: And doggie.
There goes one fine
rider, Cody Brewster.
Hey, Cody, come on
down and collect
your prize money, buddy.
You earned it.
Thank you.
Come on.
Jessie, Cody, I got it.
Well, get the truck started.
Come on.
Time is running out.
It's faster to ride
across the field.
Get going.
Stanley.
Doris.
Stella.
It's close enough.
Let's say we close up, and
I'll buy everybody all a beer
you can drink at the Alcana.
Gee, Norbert, thanks.
Great.
Don't you think we
should wait until 3:00?
Stella, nah.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
You don't have the money.
I know you don't have the money.
I got it!
I got it!
[clock strikes 3:00]
Nope.
You're too late.
We're closed.
But I've got all the
cash I need right here.
You're finished.
You defaulted.
Chalk one up for Canada.
You lost it.
He hasn't lost a
thing, you creep.
Andrea?
Howdy, cowboy.
One tax bill signed,
sealed, and paid in full.
What's going on?
You paid it?
That's right.
Even this hick town
knows a good traveler's
check when it sees one.
Now, move over.
Stanley!
Stanley!
Stella!
Oh.
Look, I'll pay you back.
I promise.
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it?
What do you mean
don't worry about it?
I'd rather have
the investment.
You might never
get any in return.
We'll work something out.
Besides, I've always been
intrigued by real estate
and it's fringe benefits.
[theme music]
DIRECTOR: Help her out now.
Get out.
Are we cut?
DIRECTOR: Yes.
Help her out.
Out this way.
[laughing]
Well, let me buy
the place back.
I don't make much, but I
got a little in the bank,
and I can pay in installments.
Hey, New York, you've
got two minutes to move
that skinny butt out of your--
Maybe she'll feel
better after a hot shower.
Oh, god.
You did fix the hot
water, didn't you?
Nope.
Should I have I?
Should I have I?
Oh, my god, the rodeo.
The rodeo is today!
(ALL) Oh, my god.
The rodeo!
The rodeo is today!