The Producers (2005) - full transcript

Opening night,
opening night

It's opening night

It's Max Bialystock's
latest show

Will it flop
or will it go

The cast is taking
its final bow

Here comes
the audience now

The doors are open
They're on their way

Let's hear
what they have to say

He's done it again
He's done it again

Max Bialystock
has done it again

We can't believe it



You can't conceive it

How'd he achieve it

It's the worst show
in town

We sat there sighing

Groaning and crying

There's no denying

It's the worst show
in town

Oh, we wanted to stand up
and hiss

We've seen shit,
but never like this

Max Bialystock
has done it again

The songs were rotten
The book was stinking

What he did to Shakespeare,
Booth did to Lincoln

We had this specially made up
for Max Bialystock.

We couldn't leave faster



What a disaster

We are still in shock

Who produced this schlock

That slimy,
sleazy Max Bialystock

What a bum

Hello?

Mr. Bialystock?

Anybody here?

Mr. Bialystock?

Who are you?
What are you doing here?

What do you want?

Speak to me, dummy, speak!

Why don't you speak?

Scared. Can't talk.

All right. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Calm down.

Get a hold of yourself.
Come with me.

There. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Right this way.
Watch your step.

Look. Just...
Take a deep breath.

Let it out slowly.

- Who are you?
- I am Leopold Bloom.

I'm an accountant.
I'm from Whitehall & Marks

and I have come here
to do your books.

Oh, you have, huh?

Well, listen... Who is it?

Hold me, touch me.

Hold Me-Touch Me.
One of my backers.

Listen, I have to meet
with an important investor.

Do me a big favor.
Go to the bathroom.

- But I don't have to go.
- Try. Try.

Think of Niagara Falls.

Be with you in a moment,
my darling!

Hold Me-Touch Me.
Where is Hold Me-Touch Me?

Kiss Me-Feel Me, Pinch Me-Pinch Me,
Lick Me-Bite Me, Suck Me-F...

Here she is.
Hold Me-Touch Me.

You know, it worked. As soon
as I pictured Niagara Falls...

- Back! Back! Don't make a sound.
- I didn't have any problems...

Coming. Coming.

Better.

Hello, gorgeous.

- Hold me, touch me.
- As soon as I shut the door.

Did you bring
the checkie?

Bialy can't produce plays
without checkies.

Here you go.

But first,
can we please play a game?

One dirty little game.

All right,
my little sex kitty.

What shall we play?

- The Debutante and the Bricklayer?
- Oh, no.

No.

How about the Rabbi
and the Contortionist?

You like that one, Mama,
keeps you limber.

I know. Let's play
the Virgin Milkmaid

and the Well-Hung
Stable Boy.

I don't think
I have the strength.

- Oh, don't worry. I'll be gentle.
- All right.

Oh, dear!

This milk is so heavy.

I'll never reach the house.

You there,
well-hung stable boy.

Won't you please help me?

Of course,
my little dairy queen.

First, I'll take your milk.

Then I shall take
your virginity!

No. No. Never. No.

Yes. Yes.

Give it to me, well-hung,
give it to me.

Darling, wait! I haven't
even had coffee yet.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Oh, my God!

- Send me to the moon, you animal.
- Yes.

- Send me to the moon.
- Yes.

Yes, my darling. Thursday.
Come back Thursday.

I'll send you
to the moon Thursday.

I may even join you.

But first the checkie.
Where's the checkie?

Come on, come on,
find the checkie.

Oh, here you go.

I made it out
like you told me.

- To the title of the play, "Cash."
- Yes.

It's a funny name
for a play, "Cash."

Yes.

So was The Iceman Cometh.
I'll see you Thursday.

Ta-ta. Ta-ta.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Ta-ta.
- Bye.

Yes, yes, yes.

You dirty old buzzard.

May I come out
of the bathroom now,

Mr. Bialystock?

Yeah, sure.

I'm terribly sorry I caught you
feeling up the old lady.

"Feeling up the old lady."

Thank you, Mr. Tact.

- May I take your coat?
- Oh, thank you.

- So, you're an accountant?
- Yes, sir, I am, sir.

Then account for yourself!

Why are you looking up
little old ladies' dresses?

Bit of a pervert, eh?

I know what you're thinking.

How dare you condemn me
without knowing all the facts?

- Mr. Bialystock, I wasn't...
- Shut up!

I'm having
a rhetorical conversation.

- Do you know who I used to be?
- Why, yes.

Yes. You were Max Bialystock,
the King of Broadway.

No, I'm Max...
That's right.

- That's right.
- And might I say, Mr. Bialystock,

and please don't take this
the wrong way,

but you're not just
a dirty old man.

Thank you.

You're also
a great Broadway producer.

And there's something
about me you should know.

When I was a kid,
I had the good fortune

to be taken to
Bialyhoos of Forty-Two.

- Oh, Bialyhoos?
- Yes. Yes.

And I still have
the ticket stub.

- Oh, look at that.
- Yeah.

And ever since,
I've had a secret desire

to be a Broadway producer.

A secret desire, huh?

Well, kid. Can I give you
a little advice?

- Yes, sir.
- Keep it a secret.

Do the books, please.
Top drawer to the left.

Oh, my God!

Will you look at that?

That's it, baby!
When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

Mr. Bialystock,
may I speak to you a minute?

- A minute?
- Yes.

- Just one minute?
- Yes.

- Okay.
- In glancing at your books...

- Go!
- I noticed that...

You have 58 seconds left.
You've wasted two seconds.

- You're gonna time it?
- Time is money.

Right. Well,
I looked at your books,

I looked at the columns marked
"Plays Received"...

- 48 seconds. 48 seconds left.
- And I can't make the figures...

- Hurry! Hurry!
- Mr. Bialystock,

there's a problem
with your figures.

Twenty-eight seconds.
You're running out of time.

- Tick-tock, tick-tock...
- I cannot...

- I cannot. I cannot...
- Fifteen seconds. Twelve.

- I cannot function...
- 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

under these conditions.

- You're making me extremely nervous.
- I was...

- What is that, a handkerchief?
- What? This? No, this is...

It's nothing.
It's nothing.

Well, if it's nothing,
then why can't I see it?

My blanket!
My blue blanket!

Give me back
my blue blanket!

Give me my blanket!

Give it to me. Give it to me.
Give me the blanket!

Give it to me.
Give it to me, please.

Give it to me. Give it to me.
Give me the blanket.

- Here, here, here, here.
- Give it to me.

Don't panic. Don't panic.
Don't panic.

I... I'm sorry.

It's just that I don't like
anyone touching my blue blanket.

It's not important.
It's a minor compulsion.

I can deal with it
if I want to.

But I've had it
ever since I was a baby

and I find it very comforting.

I need to lie down
for a minute now.

They come here.
They all come here.

How do they find me?

Hey, kid.

Hey. Yoo-hoo!

Look at this.

How can I help you?

What's wrong?

- You're gonna jump on me.
- What?

- You're gonna jump on me.
- No.

- I know you're gonna jump on me...
- No. Calm down.

- and squash me like a bug.
- Oh, God.

Please don't jump on me.

I'm not gonna jump on you.
I'm not gonna jump on you.

Get a hold of yourself.
Stop it. Stop it.

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.

What's the matter now?

I'm hysterical.
I'm having hysterics.

I can't stop when I get like this.
I can't stop. I'm hysterical.

I can see that. All right.
All right.

I'm coming, I'm coming.
Take it easy.

All right. I'm coming.
I'm coming now. All right.

I'm wet. I'm wet.

I'm hysterical and I'm wet.

I'm in pain.

I'm in pain, I'm wet

and I'm still hysterical.

All right, all right.
What can I do?

You're getting
me hysterical.

Well, move away. You'll frighten me.
You're too close.

- I frighten you?
- Yes, get over there

and stop touching all this.
Move over there, get over there

- and sit down.
- I'm sitting. I'm sitting.

You still look angry.

I'm sorry. How's this?

Who's my little accountant?

Who's my little accountant?

Are you my little accountant?
Are you my little accountant?

- I am the man.
- Are you my little accountant?

- I am.
- Yes, you are.

Well, thank you for smiling.

That helped a great deal.

Well, you know
what they say?

"Smile and the world
smiles with you."

This man should be
in a straitjacket.

- You feeling better?
- Oh, yes, I'm fine now. Thank you.

Good.

May I speak to you?

Yes, Prince Myshkin.
What can we do for you?

Well, this is hardly the time
for levity, Mr. Bialystock.

I've discovered
a serious error

in the accounts
of your last show,

- Funny Boy.
- Where? What?

Well, according to the backers list,
you raised $100,000

but your show
only cost $98,000.

There's $2,000
unaccounted for.

I went to a Turkish bath.
Who cares? The show was a flop.

Bloom, do me a favor.
Move a few decimal points around.

You can do it,
you're an accountant.

You're part
of a noble profession.

The word "count"
is part of your title.

- That's cheating.
- It's not cheating.

It's charity.

Bloom,

you see this stick pin?

This once held a pearl
as big as your eye.

I used to wear
handmade Italian shoes,

$500 suits.

And look at me now.
Look at me now!

I'm wearing
a cardboard belt.

Bloom. You gotta save me.

I'm reaching out to you.
Don't send me to prison.

Help me!

All right. All right.

- Okay, I'll do it.
- Really?

- Yes, I'll do it.
- Wow.

Let's see,
$2,000 isn't so much.

- I'm sure I can hide it someplace.
- Yeah.

Yeah. After all, the IRS isn't
interested in a show that flopped.

Right. Good thinking.

You figure it out.
I'm going to take a little nap.

Well, let's see.

Let's see, if we add up
these deductions we get,

carry the three,
divide by four...

Amazing.

It's absolutely amazing.

But under
the right circumstances,

a producer could make
more money with a flop

than he could with a hit.

Yes, it's quite possible.

If he were certain
that a show would fail,

a man could make
a fortune.

- Yes?
- Yes, what?

Yes what you were saying.
Keep talking.

What was I saying?

You were saying that under
the right circumstances,

a producer can make
more money with a flop

- than he could with a hit.
- Well, yes. It's quite possible.

You keep saying that,
but you don't say how.

Well, it's simply a matter
of creative accounting.

Let's assume for a moment,
that you are a dishonest man.

- Assume away.
- All right.

When you produced
your last show, Funny Boy,

you raised $2,000
more than you needed.

But you could have raised
$1 million,

put on your $100,000 flop
and kept the rest.

- But what if my show was a hit?
- Well, then you would go to jail.

You see,
rather than 100% of the show,

you would have sold
more than 1,000%.

So if the show's a success,
there's no way to pay off the backers.

- Get it?
- Got it.

So in order for our scheme to work,
we'd have to find a surefire flop.

Our scheme?
What scheme?

"What scheme?"

Your scheme,
you bloody little genius!

I meant no scheme.

I merely posed a little academic
accounting theory.

- It was just a thought.
- Bloom.

Worlds are turned
on such thoughts.

Don't you see, Bloom?
Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom.

It's so simple.

Step one, we find
the worst play ever written.

Step two, we hire
the worst director in town.

Step three,
I raise $2 million.

- Two?
- Yes. One for me, one for you.

There's a lot of little old ladies
out there.

Step four, we hire the worst actors
in New York and open on Broadway.

And before you can say "step five,"
we close on Broadway,

take our $2 million,
and go to Rio.

Rio? Oh, no,
that would never work.

Oh, ye of little faith

What did Lewis say to Clark
when everything looked bleak

What did Sir Edmund
say to Tenzing

As they struggled
toward Everest's peak

What did Washington
say to his troops

As they crossed
the Delaware

I'm sure you're well aware

What did they say?

We can do it

We can do it,
me and you

We can do it

We can make
our dreams come true

Everything
you've ever wanted

Is just waiting to be had

Beautiful girls
wearing nothing but pearls

Caressing you, undressing you
and driving you mad

No.

Bloom.

Bloom, wait a minute now.
Hear me out.

Just think about it.

We can do it, we can do it

This is not the time
to shirk

We can do it,
you won't rue it

Say goodbye
to petty clerk

Hi, producer!
Yes, producer

I mean you, sir,
go berserk

We can do it,
we can do it

And I know it's gonna work

What do you say, Bloom?

What do I say?

Finally a chance
to be a Broadway producer

What do I say?

Finally a chance to make my dreams
come true, sir

What do I say?
What do I say?

Here's what I say
to you, sir

I can't do it,
I can't do it

I can't do it,
that's not me

I'm a loser, I'm a coward

I'm a chicken,
don't you see?

When it
comes to wooing women

There's a few things
that I lack

Beautiful girls
wearing nothing but pearls

Chasing me, embracing me
I'd have an attack

Why you miserable, cowardly,
wretched, little caterpillar!

Don't you ever want
to become a butterfly?

Don't you want to spread your wings
and flap your way to glory?

No.

- Where to?
- Central Park.

Gotta breathe.
Gotta breathe.

- We can do it, we can do it
- Mr. Bialystock, stop this song

- We can grab that Holy Grail
- You got me wrong, I say, "So long"

I'm not as strong a person
as you think

- We can do it. We can do it
- Mr. Bialystock, just take a look

- I'm not a crook, I'm just a schnook
- Drink champagne

- The bottom line is that I stink
- Not ginger ale

- Come on, Leo, can't you see, oh?
- I can't do it

You see Rio, I see jail

Driver, stop!

Here.

We can do it

I can't do it

We can do it

I can't do it

- We can do it
- I can't do it

- We can
- I cannot, cannot, cannot do it

'Cause I know
it's gonna fail

Fail? How can it miss?
All you need is a little courage.

Bloom, do you know what you are?
You're like a... You're like a...

You're like a fountain waiting to explode
and shoot into the sky.

- I'm a fountain?
- Yes, you're a fountain.

Don't you realize

there's a lot more to you
than there is to you?

Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made
a terrible error in judgment.

You've mistaken me
for someone with a spine.

I'm going back
to Whitehall & Marks now.

- No.
- Goodbye forever.

Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute.
Bloom.

Think about it.
You'll never get a cab at this hour.

Bloom.

Oh, Lord. Dear Lord.

I want that money.

Unhappy, unhappy

Very unhappy

Unhappy, unhappy

Very, very, very, very
very, very, very unhappy

Bloom.

Where the hell
have you been?

You are six minutes late.

This is an accounting firm,
not a country club.

You can't come
and go as you please.

Yes, Mr. Marks.

Remember, you're a nobody.

A PA, a public accountant.

And I am a CPA,
a certified public accountant.

A rank a miserable
little worm like yourself

- could never hope to achieve.
- Yes, Mr. Marks.

- Thank you for speaking to me.
- You're welcome.

What are you gawking at?

You never saw
a person humiliated before?

Now get back to work.
All of you.

Unhappy, unhappy

Very, very, very, very
very, very, very unhappy

Boo!

I spend my life accounting

With figures and such

Unhappy

To what is
my life amounting

It figures not much

Unhappy

I have a secret desire

Hiding deep in my soul

It sets my heart afire

To see me

In this role

I wanna be a producer

With a hit show
on Broadway

I wanna be a producer

Lunch at Sardi's every day

I wanna be a producer

Sport a top hat and a cane

I wanna be a producer

And drive those
chorus girls insane

I wanna be a producer

And sleep
until half past two

I wanna be a producer

And see you, you, you
Not you

I wanna be a producer

Wear a tux
on opening night

I wanna be a producer

And see my name
"Leo Bloom" in lights

He wants to be a producer

Of a great
big Broadway smash

He wants to be a producer

Every pocket stuffed
with cash

He wants to be a producer

Pinch our cheeks
till we cry

Oh, yes!

He wants to be a producer

With a great big
casting couch

- I wanna be
- He wants to be

I wanna be the greatest, grandest
and most fabulous producer

In the world

He wants to dine
with a duchess and a duke

I just got to be
a producer

Drink champagne
until I puke

Drink champagne
till he pukes!

I wanna be a producer

Show the world
just what I got

I'm gonna put on shows

That will enthrall them

Read my name
in Winchell's column

I wanna be a producer

'Cause it's everything
I'm not

Unhappy, unhappy

I wanna be a producer

Very, very unhappy

Unhappy

I wanna be a producer

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Very, very unhappy

- Hold everything. Hold everything.
- Unhappy

What am I doing here?

Mr. Bialystock was right.

There is a lot more to me
than there is to me.

Stop the world,
I wanna get on.

What the hell is
going on in here?

Do I smell the revolting stench
of self-esteem?

Bloom, where do you think
you're going?

You've already had
your toilet break!

I'm not going
into the toilet.

I'm going
into show business.

And Mr. Marks,
I have news for you. I quit!

And you're right about
one thing. You are a CPA,

- a certified public asshole.
- Hurray!

Here's my visor,

my Dixon Ticonderoga
No. 2 pencil

and my big finish.

I'm gonna be a producer

He's gonna be a producer

Look out Broadway

For here I come

Mr. Bialystock,
Mr. Bialystock, I'm back!

I'm back.
I've changed my mind.

Boy, you are good.

- Who are you talking to?
- Never mind, just an old friend.

- What happened?
- Just this. Just this.

When I said that I was scared
that I was going to go to jail,

I didn't realize
that I already was in jail.

I've spent my life
counting other people's money.

People I'm smarter than.
Better than.

When's Leopold Bloom
going to get his share?

When is it going to be
Bloom's Day?

I want...
I want...

I want everything
I've ever seen in the movies.

And Leo, you're gonna
have it 'cause...

- We can do it, we can do it
- I'm gonna be a producer

Say goodbye
to woe and gloom

- With the millions and the zillions
- I'm gonna be a producer

Up together we will zoom

We can do it, we can do it

Every show I touch,
I doom

We were fated to be mated

We're Bialystock
and Bloom

Max. Oh, Max,
let's give up.

I can't read anymore.

How many plays
can a person read?

Stop complaining.
We have to find the worst play ever written.

- I've been reading all night.
- Who cares?

You wanna be a producer,
read, read, keep reading.

Here's one. Act 1, Scene 1.

"Gregor Samsa
awoke one morning

"to discover that he had been
transformed into a giant cockroach."

Nah, too good.

"But how could you see me?
The glass was frosted..."

Wait a minute. Wait a minute,
I've read this before.

I think I've read this one.
What's it called, what's it called?

"The Frosted Glass."

Max, I'm reading plays
that I read last night, Max.

I can't go on anymore.
It's too much.

Let's face it,
we'll never find it.

We'll never find it?
We'll never find it, huh?

We'll never find it, huh?
We'll never find it, huh?

Leo, Leo, see it?

Smell it, touch it, kiss it.
Kiss it!

It's the mother lode.

What is it?
You found a flop?

"A flop."
That's putting it mildly.

This is a catastrophe.
A disaster.

Certain to offend peoples
of all races, creeds and religions.

A guaranteed-
to-close-in-one-night beauty.

- Well, let's see it.
- Yeah.

"Springtime for Hitler."

"A gay romp with Eva
and Adolf at Berchtesgaden."

Oh, my God.

"Oh, my God" is right.

It's practically
a love letter to Hitler.

- Max, this won't run a week.
- A week? Are you kidding?

This play has got
to close on page 4.

What's the author's name
again?

Franz Liebkind, 61 Jane Street,
New York, New York.

Franz Liebkind,
61 Jane Street.

Let's go. We'll get the Broadway rights
to Springtime for Hitler

even if we have to go
as far as to pay him.

Come on.

This other hat, Max,
may I wear it?

- No, you may not.
- Why?

Because, that is
a Broadway producer's hat.

And you don't get to wear
a Broadway producer's hat, son,

until you're
a Broadway producer.

And you're not a Broadway producer,
until you...

I know, I know.
Until I've produced a show on Broadway.

But, I'm going to wear that hat,
and soon, too, 'cause...

We're gonna be
the producers

Of a great big
Broadway flop

Ja, ja, my lieblings.

Let me grab you, ja.

We have work to do.

Hilda, my darling,

here, I have written
an important message

which must reach
Ernst Schlongdorf,

29 West Santiago Boulevard,

Buenos Aires, Argentina.

AQAP. As quick as possible!

Fly, Hilda, fly.

Hilda, where are you going?

Argentina is that way.

Okay, chow time.

Yummy, yummy, yummy,
goes right into your belly.

It's just a hunch,
but I'm betting this is our man.

Max, he's wearing
a German helmet and lederhosen.

Yeah, I know. Don't notice.
Don't notice anything.

Always look straight ahead.
Remember, we need that play.

Franz Liebkind?

I was never a member
of the Nazi party.

I only followed orders.
I had nothing to do with the war.

I didn't even know
there was a war on.

We lived in the back,
right across from Switzerland.

All we ever heard
was yodeling.

Who are you?

Relax, Mr. Liebkind.
We're not from the government.

We're producers,
Bialystock and Bloom,

here to talk to you
about your play.

- My play?
- Mmm-hmm.

You mean,
Springtime for...

You-know-who?

- That's the one.
- What about it?

We love it.
Don't we love it? We love it.

- We think it's a masterpiece.
- We want to put it on Broadway.

Broadway?

Oh, joy of joys.

Dream of dreams.
I can't believe it.

- I must tell my birds.
- Tell your birds.

Otto, Bertha,
Heinz, Heidi, Wolfgang...

Adolf.

Do you hear?

We are finally going
to clear the Fuehrer's name.

Broadway!

You know,
not many people know this

but the Fuehrer
was a terrific dancer.

Really? Gee, we didn't know that,
did we, Leo?

No, no, we sure didn't.

That is because you were
taken in by the BBC.

Filthy, British lies.

But did they ever say a bad word
about Winston Churchill?

Churchill.

With his cigars,
with his brandy

and his rotten paintings.
Rotten.

Hitler, there was
a painter.

He could paint an entire apartment
in one afternoon. Two coats.

Yes, yes.

Yes, of course he could,
Mr. Liebkind,

and that is exactly why
we want to produce your play.

Show the world the true Hitler,
the Hitler you loved.

The Hitler you knew,
the Hitler with a song in his heart.

Here, Franz Liebkind,
sign here

and make
your dream a reality.

- Nein.
- Nein?

- No.
- That's what "nein" means.

First, you must prove to me
that you believe as I believe

by joining with me
and singing and dancing

the Fuehrer's favorite tune,
"Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."

I know.

- Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop?
- Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop.

Oh, no, I could never sing
the Fuehrer's favorite...

- Delighted, delighted.
- Song.

Shut up, he's almost ready
to sign.

All right, first you will
roll up your pants.

- Rolling, rolling.
- Rolling, rolling.

Come on, don't be
stingy, show some leg.

- Alrighty, good.
- Good.

- Key of E?
- Is there any other?

Guten Tag hop hop

Guten Tag clop clop

Ach du lieber
Und oh boy!

Guten Tag clap clap

Guten Tag slap slap

Ach du lieber
What a joy!

Oh, wir essen und fressen
Und tanzen und trinken

Tanzen und trinken
Until we get stinking

Everybody.

Guten Tag hop hop

Guten Tag clop clop

Guten Tag,
mein lieber Schatz

So we hop our hops

Und we clop our clops

Und we drink our Schnapps
Till we platz

You will sway

We will sway

Follow me.

Very good.

- Handschlagspiel.
- Whatever you say.

This is a tricky one

Oh, the hop-clop.
It's been so long.

Sort of a Nazi hoedown.

Gentlemen, you may produce
my play.

Excellent, excellent.
Here we are. Here.

But only if you take
the Siegfried Oath.

The Siegfried Oath?
What's that?

The pledge of eternal allegiance
to our beloved Fuehrer.

Never

- took that oath before.
- Good.

One for me, one for you,
and one for you.

Never had one
of those on before.

- Thanks very much.
- You're welcome.

Nice colors.

Look, reversible.

- Oh, yeah, you're right.
- Max.

Max, we never
should have started this.

I think we're getting in
too deep.

Too deep? This is nothing.

I'll tell you
when we're getting in too deep.

All right.

First, you raise your right forefinger
und repeat after me.

I solemnly swear...

I solemnly swear.

To obey
the sacred Siegfried Oath.

To obey the sacred
Siegfried Oath.

Und...

- Und...
- Und.

- Never, never, never...
- Never, never, never.

Dishonor the spirit
und the memory

of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

Dishonor the spirit
and the...

Elizabeth?

Ja, that was
his middle name.

Not many people know this

but the Fuehrer was descended
from a long line of English queens.

Is that right?

Yes.

Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

Good, now I sign
your contract.

Excellent, excellent.
Oh, here we are.

Right here
on the dotted line.

There you are.
You shall never regret this.

So, thank you, Herr Liebkind.
Alrighty then.

- Thank you.
- Very good.

Let it go, let it go.

Halt!

I forgot to tell you.

The penalty for breaking
the Siegfried Oath

is death.

Dess? Is that anything
like death?

Yes.

Sorry to hear that.

Don't worry. We'll iron out
all these thorny details over strudel.

Ta-ta, big guy.
Here we go.

We're trapped, trapped.

Got it. Let's have lunch.

What nice guys.

Broadway.

I haven't been so happy
since we crushed Poland.

Hello, the living room
of renowned theatrical director,

Roger De Bris' elegant
upper-east side town house

on a sunny,
Tuesday afternoon in June.

Who may I say is calling?

Listen, you broken-down
old queen,

he was drunk, he was hot,
you got lucky.

Don't ever call here again.

- Who was that?
- Wrong number.

Yes?

Well, hi, there.

I am Max Bialystock

and this is my associate
Mr. Bloom.

We have an appointment

with renowned
theatrical director Roger De Bris.

Yes, yes, please come in.
Please.

- Thank you.
- Yes.

I am Carmen Ghia.

Mr. De Bris'
common-law assistant.

You are expected.

May I take your hat,
your coat and your swastikas?

Oh, these...

We just came from this big rally.
Everybody was wearing them.

Why didn't you tell me
we still had those on?

I didn't notice them.
You told me to look straight ahead,

- you remember that?
- All right, let's not fight, okay?

Oh, Roger...

We're not alone.

Here's Roger.

Max, he's wearing a dress.

No kidding.

Oh, Roger,
good to see you again.

Messieurs Bialystock
and Bloom, I presume?

Forgive the pun.

- What pun?
- Shut up, he thinks he's witty.

Roger, may I say, you look gorgeous.
Absolutely gorgeous.

By the way, Max, darling, we loved
Funny Boy, didn't we, Carmen?

Oh, worshipped it.

To be or not to be
you mean a lot to me

- Show stopper.
- Fabulous.

Oh, dear, your Mr. Bloom
is staring at my gown.

Oh, well, I...

I should explain. I'm going
to the choreographer's ball this evening.

There is a prize
for best costume.

We always win.

I'm not so sure
about this year.

I'm supposed to be
the Grand Duchess Anastasia.

But I think I look
more like the Chrysler Building.

Well, as far as I'm concerned,
without your wig on,

you're only half-dressed.

Well, then,
why don't you go and get it,

oh, Wicked Witch of the West?

If your intention was

to shoot an arrow
through my heart...

Bull's-eye!

Oh, Roger, let's face it.
That building is you.

Listen, I know
we sent it to you only this morning,

but, did you get a chance yet to read
Springtime for Hitler?

Read it? I devoured it.

And I find it remarkable.
Remarkable!

I feel it is a very
important piece

drenched with historical goodies.

I, for one, for instance,
never realized that the Third Reich

meant Germany.

Yeah, how about that?
Then you'll do it?

Do it? Of course not.
It's not my kind of thing.

I mean, Max, please,
World War II, too dark,

too depressing.

The theater's so obsessed
with drama so depressed

It's hard to sell
a ticket on Broadway

Shows should be
more pretty

Shows should be
more witty

Shows should be more
What's the word?

- Gay?
- Exactly.

No matter what you do
on the stage

Keep it light,
keep it bright, keep it gay

Whether it's murder,
mayhem or rage

Don't complain,
it's a pain

Keep it gay

People want laughter
when they see a show

The last thing they're after
is a litany of woe

A happy ending
will pep up your play

Oedipus won't bomb

If he winds up with Mom

- Keep it gay
- Keep it gay

Keep it gay

Couldn't agree more and
you have our blessings, Roger

to make Springtime for Hitler
just as

gay as anyone could
possibly want.

So, come on,
do it for us, please.

I'm sorry, Max,
it's simply not my cup of tea.

Still, fair is fair.

Perhaps I should ask
my production team what they think.

- Your production team, who are they?
- You'll see.

They all live here.

Guys, come say "Hello"
to Bialystock and Bloom.

- This is my set designer, Bryan.
- Hello.

Keep it mad
keep it glad, keep it gay

- Here's my costume designer, Kevin.
- Hello.

Keep it happy
keep it snappy, keep it gay

We're clever, creative
it's ourjob to see

That everything's perfect
for Mr. De Bris

- Scott, my choreographer.
- Hi, there.

And now finally,
last and least,

my lighting designer,
Shirley Markowitz.

Keep it gay, keep it gay

Keep it gay

Now, they all
just read Springtime.

What did you think of it,
fellows?

- It needs glamour
- And glitz

- It needs sequins
- And tits

Leo, Leo,
I think we're losing them.

Go say something nice to Roger.
I think he likes you.

- But, Max...
- Go on, it's just showbiz.

Mr. De Bris? Roger?

Roger, actually,
I think your gown is very stunning.

Why, thank you,
Mr. Bloom. Leo.

Mmm.

What is that enchanting cologne
you're wearing?

Me? I'm not wearing
any cologne.

You mean that smell is you?

Oh, God.

If I could bottle you,

I'd shove you
under my armpits every day.

Oh, Max. Max, we never
should have started this.

I think we're getting in
too deep.

Too deep? This is nothing.

I'll tell you when we're
getting in too deep.

And, so, the rule is
when mounting a play

Keep it funny
keep it sunny, keep it gay

- What should we do?
- Relax. Watch this.

Roger...

I think that
Springtime for Hitler

would be
a marvelous opportunity for you.

I mean, up to now,
you've always been associated with...

Dare I say it,
frivolous musicals.

You're right.

I've often felt as though
I've been throwing my life away

on silly entertainments.

Dopey showgirls
in gooey gowns.

"Two, three, kick, turn,
turn, turn, kick, turn..."

- Roger.
- It's enough to make you heave.

Nonetheless, I'm sorry, Max.
I just couldn't do Springtime for Hitler.

- Why not? Think of the respect.
- No.

- Think of the prestige.
- No, no, no.

Think of the Tony.

Tony, Tony, Tony,
Tony, Tony

- What's the matter?
- Is he all right?

- He's having a stroke...
- What?

of genius!

I see it at last

The chance to do
something important

Roger De Bris
presents history

Of course that whole second act
has to be re-written.

They're losing the war? Excuse me?
That's too down beat.

Roger De Bris
presents history

But maybe...

It's a wild idea,
but it just might work.

I see

A line

Of beautiful girl

Dressed as storm troopers

Each one a gem

With leather boots
and whips on their hip

It's risque,
dare I say, S and M

Love it!

I see German soldiers
dancing through fans

Played by chorus boys
in very tight pants

And wait, there's more

They win the war

And the dances they do
will be daring and new

Turn, turn, kick, turn, turn, kick turn,
one, two, three, kick, turn

Keep it sassy
keep it classy, keep it

That is brilliant,
brilliant, brilliant.

I speak for Mr. Bloom
and myself, Roger,

when I say that
you are the only man in the world

who can do justice
to Springtime for Hitler.

- Will you do it, please?
- Please?

Wait a minute.
This is a very big decision.

It might affect
the course of my entire life.

I shall have to think
about it. I'll do it.

I'll do it

Sabu, champagne!

If at the end
you want them to cheer

Keep it gay,
keep it gay, keep it gay

Whether it's Hamlet, Othello or Lear

Keep it gay,
keep it gay, keep it gay

Comedy's joyous,
a constant delight

Dramas annoy us

And ruin our night

So keep your Strindbergs
and Ibsens at bay

I'll sign

- Sign
- Sign

Sign

Sign

Sign

Roger Elizabeth De Bris

Keep it gay!

Conga!

So the rule is
when mounting a play

Keep it gay,
keep it gay, keep it gay!

Exclusive Broadway rights
to the worst show ever written

and a signed contract
with the worst director who ever lived.

We're in business.

And what a business.

In the same day,
I'm taking the Siegfried Oath

and dancing the conga,
with a cop, a sailor

and an extremely friendly
Cherokee Indian.

Yeah. Oh, well.

It's not easy being
a Broadway producer...

- Nope.
- but together we'll make it.

Partners, Leo.
Partners all the way

and nothing or no one
will ever come between us.

Nothing or no one, Max.

Come in.

Bialystock and Bloom?

What?

Oh, excuse me...

Swedish.

- Costing today?
- Costing.

- Costing?
- Costing?

- Casting.
- Casting.

Oh, no, no, miss,
we're not casting yet.

You see, we don't even know
when we're beginning...

Casting, yes,
we just started casting today.

- Yes, yes.
- We're casting?

Yes, we're casting.

If you don't mind,

just once in my life,
I'd like to see somebody on that couch

who's under 85.

What's your name, my dear?

My name is Ulla Inga...

Hansen Benson Yansen Tallen
Hallen Svaden Swanson.

Oh, wait, wait,
what's your first name?

That was
my first name.

You want to hear
my last name?

We don't have the time.
We'll just call you Ulla.

Okay? Yeah.
What do you do, Ulla?

- Ulla sing and dance.
- Oh, yeah?

- You want Ulla make audition?
- Oh, no, miss.

- That won't be nece...
- Yes, it is nece.

Extremely nece.

Please, please make audition.
Make audition all over the office.

What are you going to sing?

Well, yesterday,

when I was stepping out
of a big, white

Rolls-Royce limo,

a crazy man yelled something
out the window

that inspired me
to write this song.

When you got it

Flaunt it

Step right up
and strut your stuff

People tell you
modesty's a virtue

But in the theater
modesty can hurt you

When you got it

Flaunt it

Show your assets
let them know you're proud

Your goodies you must push

Stick your chest out,
shake your tush

When you got it,
shout it out loud

Now Ulla dance.

When you got it, show it

Put your hidden treasures
on display

Violinists love to play
an E-string

But audiences really love
a g-string

When you got it,
shout it

Let the whole world hear
what you're about

Clothes may make the man

All a girl needs is a tan

When you got it,
let it hang out

Remember when Ulla dance?

Yeah.

Ulla dance again.

Ulla dance again.

When I was just
a little girl in Sweden

My thoughtful mother
gave me this advice

If nature blesses you
from top to bottom

Show that top to bottom
Don't think twice

Now Ulla belt.

Don't think twice

When you got it, share it

Let the public feast upon
your charms

People say that
being prim is proper

But every showgirl knows
that prim will stop her

When you got it,
give it

Don't be selfish,
give it all away

Don't be shy,
be bold and cute

Show the boys
your birthday suit

When you got it

If you got it

Once you got it

Shout out

Hooray

Okey dokey, you like it?

Like it?

I want you to know,
my dear,

that even though
we're sitting down,

we are giving you
a standing ovation.

She's in the show.

Wait, Max. Max,
we don't even know

if there's a part
for her in the show.

Would you excuse us,
my dear?

Nonsense, Bloom.

Bloom, do I have
to teach you everything?

There is always a part in the show
for the producer's girlfriend.

But, Max, we don't even know
when we're starting rehearsal, yet.

So what? So what?

We're producers, aren't we?

So, until she goes into the show,
she can work for us here.

Because, we need, nay,
deserve to have ourselves...

Deserve to have ourselves,

a gorgeous Swedish
secretary/receptionist.

But, Max, a secretary
who doesn't speak English?

- What will people say?
- They'll say...

Offer her the job, please.

Just a moment, miss.

We might have
a position for you.

As a matter of fact, we might have
several positions for you.

Until the show gets going,
we can offer you a job here

as a secretary/receptionist.

Secretary/receptionist?

Okey-slash-dokey.

I can do that.

Answer telephone.

Bialystock and Bloom.

- Bialystock and Bloom.
- Smart as a whip.

You're hired!

Well, all right.
If he says so, I don't have any...

Oh, yeah.

Secretary/receptionist
and...

Maybe you can tidy up
around here a little bit, too.

Tidy up? Tidy up.
Such a funny word.

- What means "tidy up?"
- Oh, you know, clean?

Make look nice.

Oh, yeah!
Ulla can make "tidy up."

Oh, very good.
What time can you be here in the morning?

Well, Ulla wake up
every morning, 5:00 a.m.

From 5:00 to 7:00
Ulla like to exercise.

From 7:00 to 8:00
Ulla like to take a long shower.

From 8:00 to 9:00,
Ulla like to have big Swedish breakfast.

Many different herrings.

From 9:00 to 11:00...

Ulla like to practice
her singing and her dancing.

And at 11:00,
Ulla like to have sex.

What time
should I get here?

- 11:00.
- Good! Ulla will come at 11:00.

"Ulla will come
at 11:00."

God bless America.

God bless Sweden.

Oh, Max.

Max, she's fantastic.

The most beautiful girl
I've ever seen.

I've never
felt this way before.

It's like a volcano
erupting inside of me, like,

like hot lava rising
higher and higher and...

What is that, Max?
What is it?

It's called an erection.

It's either that or malaria.

But don't worry,
they have shots for everything now.

Come here,
I want to show you something.

- What do you see?
- Nothing.

Exactly.

But now that we've got
our sure-fire flop,

it's gonna be our job to fill
that safe with $2 million.

$2 million?
Gee, how much do we put in?

How much...

How much do we put in?

Bloom,

the two cardinal rules
of being a Broadway producer

are, one...

Never put your own money
in the show.

And two?

Never put your own money

in the show!

- Get it?
- Got it.

Good.

- So how do we raise the money?
- How? I'll tell you how.

From my investors.

Hundreds of little old ladies
all looking to Max Bialystock

for one last thrill
on their way to the cemetery.

So, in the days to come, Bloom,
you shall see very little of me.

And right now
I'd like to see very little of you.

Scram,
while I get myself ready.

For Max Bialystock,
is about to launch himself

into Little-old-lady Land.

The time has come

To be a lover
from the Argentine

To slick my hair down
with brilliantine

And gargle heavily
with Lister

Ine

Wow!

It's time for Max

To put his backers
on their backs

And thrill them with

Amazing acts

Those aging nymphomaniacs

They were helpless,
they were hopeless

Then along came Bialy

They were joyless,
they were boyless

Then along came Bialy

They're my angels,
I'm their devil

And I keep
those embers aglow

When I woos 'em,
I can't lose 'em

'Cause I cast my spell and
they start yelling, "Fire down below"

So romantic,
they were frantic

Then their prayers
were heard up above

Heaven sent them
their Bialy

I'm the celebration

Of love

Who is it? Who is it?

- It's Max Bialystock!
- Oh!

Maxy.

Fire down below!

We were listing,
we were sinking

Then along came Bialy

We were desperate,
we were drinking

Then along came Bialy

Who's your daddy?

So romantic,
we were frantic

Then our prayers
were heard up above

He's Bialy, hey, Bialy

He's the culmination
The restoration

The consummation
The titillation

Ejaculation

He's a celebration
of love

Bloom! Bloom!

What, Max? What?

I've done it. I've done it.
I've raised the $2 million!

Now all we have to do is put on
the biggest flop in history.

That's great!

- Yeah.
- We can't miss.

Gotta make the next payment
on the theater by 3:00 or else...

Oh! Sorry, wrong office.

Bialystock, Bloom.

Max, Leo.

- Ulla?
- Ja.

- What happened to the office?
- Like you tell Ulla

- "tidy up."
- "Tidy oop?"

Well.

How did you find
the time to do all this?

I skip lunch.

Of course you did.

- Very nice.
- She skipped lunch.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Almost three.
That payment to the Shubert's.

I'll get the cash
from the safe.

You make sure
all those contracts are signed.

Yes, Max.

Oh, she painted
over the numbers.

Hello, boys.

Nobody knows
what I went through to get you.

Ulla knows.

You had to schtup every
little old lady in New York.

That's right.

That's right.

And I've still got
the denture bites to prove it.

Work, work, work.
Work, work, work.

Work, work, work.

So...

Mr. Bloom.

We are all alone.

Yes we are. Aren't we?

Why Bloom go
so far camera right?

Bloom no like Ulla?

- Ulla like Bloom.
- Oh.

Oh, Bloom like Ulla,
all right.

- Maybe a little too much.
- Good.

I'm glad.

- Why Bloom need blue blanket?
- Oh, it's not important.

It's just a minor compulsion.
It's that I've...

I've had it ever since
I was a baby and I...

You're a little too close.

The urge to merge
can rob us of our senses

The need to breed
can make a man a drone

We must be on alert
with our defenses

For every skirt
will test

Testosterone

So knowing this
I severed all connection

With any creature
sporting silk or lace

I was firmly headed
in the right direction

When suddenly
I stumbled on

That face

That face, that face,
that dangerous face

I mustn't be unwise

Those lips, that nose,
those eyes

Could lead to my demise

That face, that face,
that marvelous face

I never should begin

Those cheeks,
that neck, that chin

Will surely do me in

I must be smart and hide my heart
if she's within a mile

If I don't duck,
I'm out of luck

She'd kill me
with her smile

That face, that face,
that fabulous face

It's clear I must beware

I'm certain if I fall in love
I'm lost without a trace

But it's worth it
for that face

Oh-oh, Bloom help Ulla down?

All right,
Bloom help Ulla down.

That face, that face

That lovable face

It melts my

Swedish heart

I'm certain
if I fall in love

I'm lost without a trace

But it's worth it

For that

Face

Again!

Arabesque, prepare,
pirouette and twirl

and goose step, goose step
waltz-clog and kick. Again!

Arabesque, prepare,
pirouette and twirl

and goose step, goose step
waltz-clog and kick. Again!

Arabesque, prepare,
pirouette...

Halt! Halt!

Halt!

- This is bedlam, bedlam.
- Bedlam. Bedlam.

Shut up!

We must have
some order here.

Will all the dancing Hitlers
please wait offstage right

and all the singing Hitlers
offstage left?

Get that way.

Carmen, call in
a singing Hitler please.

Yes, darling. Roger.

Jack Lapidus!

Jack Lapidus!

Jack Lapidus.

Well, Jack.
What are you going to sing for us?

I would like to sing
A Wandering Minstrel I.

If you must.

A Wandering Minstrel, I

- A thing of shred and
- Thank you!

- Patches
- Next, please!

- Donald Dinsmore!
- Thanks.

Well, Donald, if we...

Well, Donald, I...

- Oh, hi, how are you?
- Oh, no, that's all right, Donald.

Hello. Yes, now what are you
going to sing for us, friend?

I'd like to sing
The Little Wooden Boy.

Thank you.

Next!

Jason Green.

Well, Jason, what have you
been up to lately?

For the last 16 years
I have been touring in No No Nietzsche.

- You played Nietzsche?
- No, no.

What are you going
to sing for us?

Have you ever heard
The German Band?

No.

That is the name of the song
I am going to sing.

Oh.

Play it, please.

Speed it up.

Haben sie gehort

Das Deutsche Band

Mit a bang
Mit a boom

Mit a bing-bang
bing-bang boom

Ahhh, haben sie gehort

Halt! Halt!

Halt! No, no, no.

This man could never play
Adolf Hitler.

The Fuehrer wasn't
a mousy little mama's boy.

The Fuehrer was butch.

And that is not how you sing
Haben sie gehort das Deutsche Band.

This is how you sing
Haben sie gehort das Deutsche Band.

B-flat. 2/2 time.
Modulate at the bridge. Raus!

Haben sie gehort
das Deutsche Band

Mit a bang
Mit a boom

Mit a bing-bang
bing-bang boom

Ahhh, haben sie gehort
das Deutsche Band

Mit a bang
Mit a boom

Mit a bing-bang
bing-bang boom

Russian folk songs
und French ooh-la-la

Can't compare
with a German oom-pah-pah!

We're saying Haben sie gehort
das Deutsche Band

Mit a zetz, mit a zap,
mit a zing

Polish polkas,
they're stupid und they're rotten

It don't mean a thing
if it ain't got that

Schweigen-reigen-schanden-
schutzen-schmutzen

Sauerbraten

Key change!

We're saying

Haben sie gehort

Das Deutsche Band

Mit a zetz, mit a zap,
mit a zing

It's the only
kind of music

That we Huns
und our honeys

Love to sing

That's our Hitler!

Have your tickets ready.
Have your tickets ready.

Right this way, please.
This way, please.

Take your seats.

Ah, good evening Monsieur.
Very nice to see you again.

- Enjoy the show.
- Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Bloom!
Oh, you look so handsome.

- Oh, thank you.
- This is so exciting.

Leo!

Leo.

- Who said you could wear that hat?
- Well, nobody, Max,

but I thought now
that I'm the producer of a Broadway show...

- Has the curtain gone up yet?
- No.

- Has the curtain come down yet?
- No.

- Then you're not a producer yet.
- Give me that hat.

Mr. Bloom! Leo.

- Your tie is all askew.
- Askew?

Well, thank you, Ulla.
Have a good show.

Roll them in the aisles.

Okey-dokey. I will try to.

But there's just
so many of them.

Gee, I thought we were
partners sharing everything fifty-fifty.

Now, I'm out in the cold and you two are
busy askewing each other.

Askewing? Never, Max.

Hugs and kisses, yes,
but that's as far as I go.

Gunter, you will pick me up
back here right after the curtain.

Oh, God, will they love us,
will they hate us?

- The suspense is killing me.
- I know.

I feel like I'm going into labor.

Messieurs Bialystock
and Bloom.

Well, gentlemen, merde.

And I just wanna wish
everybody good luck.

- What? What did you say?
- Bite your tongue.

- Gott im Himmel!
- Oh, what's the matter...

- All I said was good luck.
- He said it again.

Mr. Bloom, hasn't anyone
ever told you

it's bad luck to say,
"good luck" on opening night?

If you do, I tell you

It is certain by the curtain
You are through

Good luck!

It's bad luck to say
"Good luck" on opening night

Once it's said,
you are dead

You will get
the worst reviews you ever read

Good luck!

Even at
the Comedie Francaise

On the opening night
they are scared

"Bonne chance, mes amis,"
no one says

The only word
you'll ever hear is

Merde

Good luck, good luck, good luck!

It's verboten,
wishing luck on opening night

Take advice,
don't think twice

Or your show
will surely end up in the scheiss

At the famous
La Scala in Milan

On opening night
it's a rule

"In bocca lupo"
they say with elan

And just for luck
they all shout "Vafangu"

I got it
Now I'll never say "good luck" on opening night

That's the rule,
I'm no fool

What do I say, I beg?

What you say is
"break a leg"

- Break a leg?
- Yes, break a leg!

If you're clever

Good luck!

You'll endeavor

To never, never, never, never ever, ever, ever say

On opening night

Five minutes to curtain.
Curtain going up in five minutes.

Hasenpfeffer. I'm late.
I must run.

Break a leg!

Kaiser!

Franz, what happened?

I broke my leg.

Now we'll have
to cancel the show

and give everyone
their money back.

Money back? Money back?
Money back?

Don't ever say that again.

Money back! Never.
We got to think of something else.

But Franz plays Hitler, Max,
and he has no understudy.

You're right. What are we gonna do?
There must be some way out.

If I could only think of something.
Some way, some...

Hold it. I got it.
Roger, you, you could play Hitler.

You know every line
in the show.

I've seen you
at rehearsal,

always moving your lips
along with the actors.

I know. It's an embarrassing habit
I'm trying to break myself of it.

But me play Hitler, no!
No, there's no way I could go on tonight.

I don't have the strength,
I don't have the courage.

I can't do it! I can't do it!
I can't do it!

- Wow, that hurt.
- Roger, listen to me.

You can do it.

You know you can do it
and I know you can do it.

You've been waiting
all your lifetime for this chance

and I'm not gonna
let you pass it up.

You're going out there

a silly hysterical
screaming queen,

but you're coming back
a great big,

passing-for-straight,
Broadway star.

All right. You're right.
I'll do it.

By God, I'll do it!
I've got to get into makeup.

Quick, get Franz's
Hitler moustache.

And, oh, my lucky
Gloria Swanson mole.

Got it!

Leo, the overture. Let's go!

- Max.
- What?

This is it!

- Good luck, Leo.
- Good luck, Max.

Germany was having trouble
What a sad, sad story

Needed a new leader
to restore its former glory

Where, oh, where was he?

Where could that man be?

We looked around
and then we found

The man for you and me

And now

It's

Springtime for
Hitler and Germany

Deutschland
is happy and gay

We're marching
to a faster pace

Look out, here comes
the master race

Springtime for
Hitler and Germany

Rhineland's
a fine land once more

Springtime for
Hitler and Germany

Watch out, Europe

We're going on tour

Springtime for
Hitler and Germany

Look, it's springtime

Winter for
Poland and France

Springtime for
Hitler and Germany

Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!

Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime!

Come on, Germans

Go into your dance

I was born in Dusseldorf
and that is why they call me Rolf

Don't be stupid, be a smarty
Come and join the Nazi party

Well, I never.
Talk about bad taste.

Come on, let's get out of here
before they kill us.

The Fuehrer is coming
The Fuehrer is coming

The Fuehrer is coming

- Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler!

Heil Hitler!

Springtime for
Hitler and Germany

Heil Hitler!

Heil myself

Heil to me

I'm the kraut who's out
to change our history

Heil myself,
raise your hand

There's no greater dictator
in the land

Everything I do, I do for you

If you're looking for a war
here's World War II

Heil myself,
raise your beer

Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
stand and cheer

- Heil myself
- Every hotsy-totsy Nazi

- Heil myself
- Every hotsy-totsy Nazi

Stand and cheer

Heil myself

I was just a paper hanger

No one more obscurer

Got a phone call
from the Reichstag

Told me I was Fuehrer,
Germany was bluer

What, oh, what to do?

Hitched up my pants

And conquered France

Now Deutschland's
smiling through

It ain't no mystery
if it's politics or history

The thing you
gotta know is

Everything is showbiz

Heil myself

Watch my show

I'm the German Ethel Merman
don't you know?

We are crossing borders,
the new world order is here

Make a real big smile

Everyone, sing heil to me

Wonderful me

It now is springtime

For Hitler and Germany

Goose step's
the new step today

Bombs falling from

The skies again

Deutschland is on

The rise again

Springtime for
Hitler and Germany

U-boats are sailing

Once more

Springtime for
Hitler and Germany

Means that soon
we'll be going

We've got
to be going

You know we'll be going
You bet we'll be going

You know we'll be going

To war!

- "A satiric masterpiece."
- No way out.

- "Surprise smash."
- No way out.

"It was shocking,
outrageous, insulting,

- "and I loved every minute of it."
- No way out!

How could this happen?

We picked the wrong play,

the wrong director,
the wrong cast...

Where did we go right?

Congratulations!

What are you doing?

I'm taking these books
and I'm leaving.

Don't try and stop me,
I've made up my mind.

Wait a minute,
where do you think you're going?

I'm turning myself in.
It's the only way.

I'm going to play ball
with the IRS.

I'm going to cooperate
with the authorities.

They'll reduce my sentence,

then there's time off
for good behavior.

Maybe I'll get a good job
in the prison library.

Please keep in touch.
It's been very nice working with you.

Leo. Leo. Leo.

Frightened Leo. Nervous Leo,
relax, take it easy. All right?

You're overwrought.
You don't know what you're doing.

You're acting out of panic.
Give me those freaking books!

Give me! Give me!

I never should have
listened to you!

I was an honest man
before I met you.

An honest man?
You were an honest mouse!

- How I hate you!
- Double! Double! Double!

Fat! Fat!

- I'm not that fat.
- Fat!

Fat!

Fatty!

Fatso! You fat, fat, fatty, fatty, fat walrus!

- Give me the fat books!
- Never! Never!

Fat, fat, fatty fat!

- Jesus!
- Give them to me!

- Give me the books, man!
- Congratulations!

Congratulations!

- Give it to me. Give it to me.
- No. No.

Now that's what
I call celebrating.

- You lousy fruit. You ruined me.
- You ungrateful breeder!

After he stepped in
and saved your little show...

I cannot...
Let go my chains!

Leave him alone.

My chains!

You have broken the Siegfried Oath!
You must die!

You all must die!

What are you doing,
you neo-Nazi nitwit?

- Your show's a hit!
- Who cares?

- You made a fool out of Hitler!
- He didn't need our help.

Stand still!
How can I shoot you if you keep moving?

- Get back here!
- Under the desk! Under the desk!

- Darling, quick, back in the closet.
- Okay.

This is no good.
I'm not killing anybody.

You must cooperate!

All right,
Bialystock und Bloom.

Now I got you.
Say your prayers!

Remember I told you,
I'd tell you when we're in too deep?

- Yeah?
- We're in too deep.

- Auf Wiedersehen.
- Franz, don't do it, please.

- I beg you. No.
- No.

You sniveling cowards!

Cringing under a desk!

Clinging to life
like baby butterflies.

Franz Liebkind will show you
how to die like a man!

It's jammed.
Boy, when things go wrong...

That's it! Next time,
no author.

What are you shooting at us for,
anyway?

You Teutonic twit!

Wait. Wait a minute.

I just got an idea.
A way to close the show!

Franz.

- There, there.
- Where? Where?

Franz, listen to me.

Why don't you use this
where it'll do some good?

- Why don't you shoot the actors?
- The actors?

Yes, the actors!

Everybody laughed
at your beloved Fuehrer tonight.

And why? Because of the actors.
The actors were making fun of him.

- Yeah, you're right. The actors!
- Yes. Here, go, buy bullets.

- Kill. Kill all the actors.
- I must kill all the actors.

- Yeah.
- Wait a minute.

What are you talking about?
What do you mean, kill the actors?

You can't kill the actors.
Actors are not animals.

- They're human beings.
- They are?

Have you ever eaten with one? Here, listen...

- Open up, it's the police.
- The police!

I said open up that door.

- Come on, boys!
- I was never a member

of the Nazi party.
I had nothing to do...

You, drop that gun.

Officer!

- What's going on here?
- This crazy kraut is crackers!

He crashed in here,
and crassly tried to kill us.

- Oh, Roger, what alliteration.
- Thank you, darling.

- Okay! Youse two can go.
- Thank you.

Tried to kill him, eh?

Officer O'Rourke, take this man in.
Next stop, Sing Sing.

Sing Sing. Nein.
You'll never take me alive.

What happened?

I broke my other leg.

All right, who are you?
And why was he trying to shoot you?

I haven't the slightest idea, Sergeant O'Toole.

The name is O'Bialystock.

I was just passing by on me way to
the Pat O'Brien film festival

and I ducked in to see
what the hell was going on.

And now I'll be
on me way

before me voice
gets any higher.

As we say in the old country,
"Taxi."

Hold it!

- Hey, Sarge, look at this.
- What?

I found these two accounting books.
This one says, "Show to the IRS."

- And what's the other one say?
- "Never show to the IRS."

I think the three of you
better come downtown with me.

- Three?
- Yeah. You and them two books.

Mr. Bialystock?

Mr. Bloom? Where are you?

Everyone is waiting for you
at the opening night party.

Ulla, help me.

What happened to you?

I know.

You hung up your coat
while you were still in it.

Thank you
for helping me down.

- What were you doing up there?
- Hiding.

- I was hiding.
- From who? From what?

From the police. They were just here.
They've arrested Max.

- They found the books.
- I don't know what to do. Poor Max.

Maybe I should turn myself in
and go to jail with him.

Well, my sweet cupcake,
I know we both love Max.

But, it seems to me
you have two choices.

Number one, you can go to jail
with Mr. Bialystock

for years
and years and years.

Or, number two,

you can take
that $2 million

and Ulla and go to Rio.

Oh, my God.
What a dilemma.

Oh, what should I do?

Should I go to jail
or go to Rio?

Mail call.

Hey, fatso.

- I'm not that fat!
- Says you.

You got a postcard.

- A postcard. From where?
- Brazil.

Brazil.
Who do I know in Brazil?

Why am I asking you?

"Dear Max, Rio was everything
you said it was and more.

"Ulla and I think of you
every chance we get.

"In the morning, when we have
breakfast on our terrace.

"Many different herrings.

"In the afternoon, when we rub
each others sun-drenched bodies

"with banana cream
coconut oil.

"Number 15.

"And then in the evening

"when we samba together
in the moonlight."

You'll find
your happiness in Rio

The beaches there
are strewn with pearls

The tropic breezes
always blow there

And, so we hear,
do the girls

"Sorry, must run.
Ulla's waiting.

"It's almost 11:00.

"Wish you were here.
Your pal,

"Leo."

Just like Cain and Abel
You pulled a sneak attack

I thought
that we were brothers

Then you stabbed me
in the back

Betrayed

Oh, boy, I'm so betrayed

Like Samson and Delilah
Your love began to fade

I'm crying in the hoosegow,
You're in Rio getting laid

Betrayed!

Let's face it,
I'm betrayed

Boy

Have I been taken

I'm so forsaken

I should have seen
what came to pass

I should have known
to watch my ass

I feel like Othello
Everything is lost

Leo is Iago,
Max is double-crossed

I'm so dismayed
Did I mention I'm betrayed?

Now I'm about to go to jail
There's no one who will pay my bail

I have no one
who I can cry to

No one I can say
goodbye to

I'm drowning. I'm drowning.

I'm drowning here.

I'm going down
for the last time.

I see my whole life
flashing before my eyes.

I see

a weathered old farmhouse
with a white picket fence.

I'm running through fields
of alfalfa with my collie, Rex.

No, Rex, not on the alfalfa.

And, I see my mother.

I see Mama standing
on the back porch

in a worn but clean
gingham gown.

And I hear my mama
calling out to me.

Alvin!
Don't forget your chores.

The wood needs a-cording
and the cows need a-milking!

Alvin! Alvin!

Wait a minute.
My name's not Alvin.

That's not my life.

Somebody else's life
is flashing before my eyes.

What the hell is that about?

I'm not a hillbilly.
I grew up in the Bronx.

Leo's taken everything.
Even my past.

My past's a dying ember

But wait, now I remember

How did it begin?
He walked into my office

With his cockamamie scheme

"You can make more money
With a flop than with a hit"

We can do it, we can do it

"I can't do it"

We can do it!

"I can't do it"

"Goodbye, Max."

Lord, I want that money!
"I'm back, Max"

Come on, Leo, we can do it
Step one, find the play

See it, smell it, touch it, kiss it
Hello, Mister Liebkind

Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop

Adolf Elizabeth Hitler?

Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop

Step two, hire the director.

Keep it gay
keep it gay, keep it

Two, three, kick, turn
Turn, turn, kick, turn

Ulla!

Wow wow wowee.

Step three, raise the money.

Along came Bialy

Step four,
hire all the actors!

A wandering minstrel, I
A thing of shreds and

Next!
The Little Wooden Boy

Next! That's our Hitler

Break a leg! "I broke my leg."

Springtime for Hitler and Germany
A surprise smash

Springtime for Hitler and Germany
It'll run for years

Where did we go right?

Give me those books
Fat, fat, fatty

Books, fat, books, fat
Books, fat, books, fat

Lousy fruit,
kill the actors

You ever eat with one?

Then you ran to Rio
and you're safely out of reach

I'm behind these bars

You're banging Ulla
on the beach!

Just like Julius Caesar

Was betrayed by Brutus

Who'd think an accountant
would turn out to be my Judas

I'm so dismayed

Is this how I'm repaid?

To be

Betrayed

Betrayed

Gentlemen of the jury,
have you reached your verdict?

Yes, Your Honor, we have.

We find the defendant
incredibly guilty.

No.

Hold me, touch me.

I'm a little busy.

Does the defendant have anything
to say on his own behalf?

Yes, Your Honor, I do.

I admit for the last
20 years

I've been a lying,
double-crossing, two-faced

backstabbing,
despicable crook.

But I had no choice.

I was a Broadway producer.

A man without a conscience,

and with no one
who gave a damn about him.

And that Your Honor,
is what hurts the most.

I thought I'd at last found
a loyal partner.

A man I cared about, and,

who I thought cared about me.

And what breaks my heart,
is that now when I need him most,

he's deserted me.

And I will probably never see
or hear from him ever again.

That's not true!

Order! Order in the court!

And stop that samba!

- Who are you?
- I am Leopold Bloom.

Max Bialystock's partner.

And who are you my dear?

My name is Ulla Inga
Hansen Benson Yansen...

Tallen Hallen
Svaden Swanson...

- Bloom.
- Bloom?

- You're his wife?
- Ja, Your Honor.

He wouldn't do it
unless we got married.

What a schmuck.

Now, Mr. Bloom, why in the world would
you want to come back here

- and give yourself up?
- Why? To speak on his behalf.

We all know that Max Bialystock
is a lying, double-crossing

two-faced,
slimy, manipulative

- under-handed...
- Please,

don't help me.

Your Honor, Your Honor,
if I may address the court.

The law was created

to protect people
from being wronged.

So whom has
Max Bialystock wronged?

- Well, not these dear ladies.
- No.

No, and not me. Not...

Not me.

I was this nobody.

No one ever called me
Leo before...

I mean, your Honor,
I know it isn't a big legal point,

but even when I was in kindergarten,
everybody always called me Bloom.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that,
even when I was in Rio

and had everything
I'd ever dreamed of,

I suddenly realized
that this man...

This man...

No one ever made me
feel like someone

Till him

Life was really nothing
but a glum one

Till him

My existence bordered
on the tragic

Always timid,
never took a chance

Then I felt his magic

And my heart
began to dance

I was always frightened,
fraught with worry

Till him

I was going nowhere
in a hurry

Till him

He filled up my empty life

Filled it to the brim

There could never ever be

Another one

Like him

Leo.

Leo, I never realized,

you're a good singer.

Thank you.

No, really,
like a professional.

Well, I sang it for you, Max.
I sang it because I'm your friend.

You are?

I've had a lot
of relationships, but...

You couldn't call
any of them friend.

But come to think of it,

no one ever,
ever really knew me.

Till him

Everyone was always
out to screw me

Till him

Never met a man
I ever trusted

Always dealt with shysters
in the past

Now I'm well adjusted
'cause I've got a friend

At last

Don't help me.

Always playing singles
never doubles

Till him

Never had a pal
to share my troubles

Till him

He filled up my empty life

Filled it to the brim

There could never ever be

Another one

Like him

Gentlemen,
it breaks my heart to break up

such a beautiful friendship,
so I won't.

Five years in the
State Penitentiary at Sing Sing.

Gotta sing sing

Gotta sing sing

Oh, you can lock us up
und lose the key

But hearts in love
are always free

Come on, boys!

Prisoners of love,
blue skies above

'Cause we're still prisoners
of love

Congratulations.

You now own 45%

- of Prisoners Of Love. Next!
- How much have you sold so far?

- 600%.
- Is that all?

Keep selling.
Keep selling.

Break it up!

Give me that!

How many times
do I have to tell you guys?

No knife fights
in rehearsal.

Hi, what are you in for,
lack of rhythm? Get in line.

Everybody get in line,
right away.

All right you animals,
let's take it all together now.

From the top!
Hit it, Franz.

Prisoners of love
Blue skies above

Can't keep our hearts
in jail

Tempo fellows.
Pick up that tempo!

- Prisoners of love
- That's it!

Our turtle doves

- Okay, just the murderers!
- Hey, you.

The warden wants to get
in on this thing.

Tell the warden he now owns
100% of Prisoners Of Love.

- Thank you.
- Sing out, criminals.

- Let them hear you in solitary!
- Take it home, boys.

We open at Leavenworth
on Saturday night!

Hey, Bialystock, Bloom,
Liebkind. Good news.

This just came
from the Governor.

"Gentlemen, you are hereby
granted a full pardon

"for having, through song and dance,
brought joy and laughter

"into the hearts of every murderer,
rapist and sex maniac in Sing Sing."

- You're free.
- Free!

Next stop,
Prisoners Of Love on Broadway!

Adolf, you must tell
the other birds!

But hearts in love
are always free

Got to Sing Sing

Sing Sing

Prisoners of love
Blue skies above

Can't keep our hearts in jail

Can't keep our hearts
in jail

Prisoners of love,
our turtle doves

- Soon coming round with bail
- Tote that bail

You can lock us up
and lose the key

But hearts in love
are always free

Prisoners of love
Blue skies above

'Cause
we're still prisoners

We're still prisoners

We're still prisoners of love,
love, love, love

Leo and Max,
up off our backs

Back on the great
white way

Leo and Max,
back on our tracks

We're back on top to stay

So when we take
your money, never fear

We'll knock Broadway
right on its ear

The cast is great,
the script is swell

But this we're telling you,
sirs

It's just no go, you've got no show
Without the producers

We'll never quit

Hit after hit

The producers, Leo

And Max

The overture is over
The curtain starts to rise

You're suddenly in clover
You can't believe your eyes

You're sitting on the aisle
You break into a smile

Why this magic feeling?
And then you realize

That there is

Nothing like a show
on Broadway

Nothing like
a Broadway show

Hearts will skip
a beat on Broadway

If you're feeling blue,
I'm telling you

That's the place to go

Movies drag, their endings sag,
TV's just a bore

So hit the street
And move your feet

To the place we all adore

Because there's nothing
like a show on Broadway

There's nothing
like a Broadway show

It's often been said
The theater is dead

The critics repeat it
en masse

But the theater's alive
It's gonna survive

Although it's a pain
in the ass

You waited forever
and finally got tickets

To get to your seat
you gotta cross pickets

The guy to your right
Is frightfully tight

The guy to your left
appears to have rickets

The music's yuck
The lyrics suck

The casting is all wrong

And when you reach the bathroom
The line is five miles long

But still there's nothing
like a show on Broadway

There's nothing
like a Broadway show

You swear
you'll never go again

It's simply
not worthwhile

You make that vow
And then somehow

You're back there
on the aisle

That's why there's

Nothing like a show
on Broadway

There's nothing
like a Broadway show

Till you're in movies

There's nothing
like a Broadway show

And though it is expensive
at a hundred bucks a throw

There's nothing

Like a Broadway show

Guten Tag hop hop

Guten Tag clop clop

Ach du lieber und

Oh boy!

Guten Tag clap clap

Guten Tag slap slap

Ach du lieber

What a joy!

We essen und fressen

Und tanzen und trinken

Tanzen und trinken

Until we get stinking

So we hop our hops

Und we clop our clops

Und we drink our Schnapps

Till we platz

We drink our Schnapps

Till we platz

Ach du lieber

What a joy

We essen und fressen

Und tanzen und trinken

Tanzen und trinken

Until we get stinking

Stinking

Stinking

Guten Tag hop hop

Guten Tag clop clop

Guten Tag, mein lieber

Schatz

So we hop our hops

Und we clop our clops

Und we drink our Schnapps

Till we platz

We drink our Schnapps

Till we platz

Don't forget to buy
Mein Kampf in paperback.

Available near you

at Borders Books

or Barnes and Noble

und Amazon dot com.

Guten Tag.

Thanks for coming
to see our show

Sad to tell you
we got to go

Grab your hat
and head for the door

In case you didn't notice,
there ain't any more

If you like our show,
tell everyone, but

If you think it stinks,
keep your big mouth shut

We're glad you came
but we have to shout

Adios, au revoir
Wiedersehen, ta, ta, ta

Goodbye

Get lost

Get out

It's over.