The Private Eyes (1976) - full transcript

Private Eyes revolves the characters in a private detective agency headed by Wong Yuk-See (Michael Hui) with two employees, a stuttered, easily bullied Pighead (Ricky Hui) and secretary/receptionist, Jacky (Angie Chiu). The agency was soon joined by an out-of-work bottling plant employee Lee Kwok-Kit (Sam Hui). Among them, they took on various cases, mostly involving adulterous men and women. Comedic adventures occurred when Wong and Lee carried out these investigations. In the movie's finale, the two were trying to capture a blackmailer to a local theater and it ties several earlier sketches together.

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We the poor working people

Getting ulcers, running around

Chicken feed is our reward

Rough deal is what we get

The boss is ever ready to explode

His barks are long, his face longer

When we ask for a raise

Brother, you're in for a treat

Working like a dog

Things keep on going wrong

Why don't we grab a gun and hold 'em up?



At least making our effort worthwhile

it's tit for tat,

tat for tit

We the poor working people

Slaves to money for life

Our misery, it's unspeakable

But we don't take it for granted

Happiness is not ours to share

Sufferings are our to bear

A little more is a little more. We care

At least making our effort worthwhile

it's tit for tat,

tat for tit

We the poor working people



Slaves to money for life

Our misery, it's unspeakable

But we don't take it for granted

You fool! Want to kill yourself?

Great! Great!

How much are the gas lamps?

Eighty odd dollars

What do you want it for?

You are fired from tomorrow onwards

Get a lamp and go sell your martial arts
in the streets

Guaranteed to satisfy

For sure it's sweet; try it

It's rotten already

Sir, any favorite chicks?

Just looking

Seen a guy with a moustache?

Yeah, inside, having fun

Want one yourself?

No thanks, I don't play such games

You've taken some dope again?

How much do you charge?

You never take off your glasses?

Without them,
I can't see clearly in my dream

In my dream

Come out! Dreamy eyes!

What is your name?

Sze Ma Keh

Your real name?

Chu Mu

Telephone number?

250136

Say, what's that's for?

Nothing, we just have to call your wife

That's worse than going to jail

Next... what's your name?

Wong Yeuk See

Telephone number?

Private detective

Sir, I used to be...

a cop at Cheung Chau

Oh yeah?

Inspector Chen is my relative
Give me a break please

Oh! One-eyed Chen!

How are you related to him?

He's related to...

my aunt's brother's mistress
Give me a break please

So that makes you a bastard

Oh, yes. Give me a break, please

Your telephone number?

No telephone

Where do you live?

6, Tin Kwong Road

Give him a break

Bring his wife here

Thanks. Do you go to jail for cussing?

Next!

Don't move!

What's the matter?

Shut up and go inside

Another guest coming

Don't move, take off your pants, quick

Take the money,

but not the pants

No? Want to die? Now quick

Too embarrassing! I won't do it

Hung, add some pepper for me

Have you ever seen yourself bald?

Oh please, I'll take it off

Boss, another guest

Take out your wallet, watch, and ring

Give me...

a break

Want a break?

All right, here

Boss, pepper has been added already

Mix up the clothes, get ready to split

Wait a second

Wait for the next car

You own this car?

I'm getting off

You're O.K., boy!

Just a beginner

He can't even take care of a kid

Serve him,

right

Just talk, no violence

We can't afford to make a scene

You should know men's temperaments

They can get...

tired of eating too much filet mignon

and want some hamburgers for a change

I will sue him

till he is broke

Then he can eat hamburgers for the rest
of his life

"Yale" key, 15B

I left it in the office

Kick it down

You prefer hamburger to filet?

Mr Wong,

you'll be my witness in court

Sure! I even know the judge

I even shook hands with
the former governor

Mrs Chu, if it's convenient

What? These few pictures cost $2,000?

These will...

earn you millions in alimony

Isn't that cheap?

I'll send you a cheque next week

Thank you, Mrs Chu

Mrs Chu, leaving now?

Puffy!

Get my tele-photo

Tele-photo!

Is boss in? I am here for a job

Who are you?

From the factory to see the boss

From the factory? Welcome, have a seat

This office is too small...

to display all my credentials

Initial consultation fee is
$200 per hour

Deductible if we have a deal

What is the problem?

I read from the newspaper

There are lots of private detective
in H. K...

Somehow,

I get publicized most

I even shook hands with
the former governor

I saw your picture...

in yesterday's newspaper!

Oh yeah? What newspaper?

Sing Tao

Jacky, get yesterday's Sing Tao for me

You were in a club,
with hand-cuffs on too

Boss, what do you want it for?

Burn it

Have one. What can I do for you?

I saw your ad,

I am applying for...

Go to 10th floor,

there's an acting school

Boss, I don't want to be a star

I want to be a detective

It's such a waste

With a cigar,

you'd look like Columbo

Boss, give me a chance

You know how to take pictures?

It's easy to learn

That means no Driver's licence?

Five hours of driver's training

That means no again. What do you know?

At times I practice kung fu

You know kung fu? Show me

Not bad! Let's see it again

Sure!

Better go to 11th floor

Charlie the magician might use you

You, with a big head and short neck

and with this on,
look just like a turtle

Jakcy, is it your birthday today?

Thank you, boss

One is enough

Boss, give me a chance

That wasn't magic, it's real kung fu

This job is not...

as easy as it seems

24 hours a day,

we keep track of people

Get burnt when it's sunny
and drenched when it rains

Hold on, give me back my wallet

What wallet?

Don't play games,

or I'll beat you up

Come back!

You're alright

$500 per month, including room and board

Each meal not to exceed $2. Take it?

Only $2 for a meal?

This is good for you

Too much rice will cause hemorrhoids

What are you saying?

Name a person with hemorrhoids
who doesn't eat rice

Year-end bonus if we make enough profit

Do you usually make enough profit?

We've been in the red for eight years

I'll try it for a while

See if you've lost any money

Is this your mom or your wife?

I'll be damned!

What does this mean?

What do you think?

That mean
we have stolen someone's wallet

That mean
"YOU" have stolen someone's wallet

Where are they?

In front, that's them

You know
the world record for 100 meters?

About 9.9 seconds

See if we can make it in 9.8 seconds

Go after them

You think they'll hit us?

They are no marksmen

We're in a jam. Stall them!

Damn! Scapegoat again

Open the door, open up

Aren't there two people in here?

Yes

Where?

Just the two of us

Don't be a smart-ass!
I saw them coming in

Watch him

Sergeant, there's nobody

Sergeant, there's nobody

No?

No!

Sergeant, no one

How come?

That looks like him,

except he's got bucked-teeth

Do we have colleague
with a bucked-teeth?

No!

Sir, I think you'd have to push

What should we do now?

This profession involves trouble anytime

It's good thing we have this,

or else

Son of a gun

What did you say?

I was swearing

Break it down

1, 2, 3

Take me to the kitchen
and show me what happened

What shall we do now?

What else? Climb back up later

Damn Puffy,
can't even buy a decent ladder

He attacked me with...

those sausages,

ended up hitting himself with the work

Start the car

Anything else?

No!

What's he doing?

Deducting my salary again

Start the car

Boss, got a case for me?

You're not qualified to handle case yet

Come with me to check on the bank case

This guy bought...

a TV and refrigerator by installment

He stop paytment after one month

and changed his address

We'll wait for him to get off work today

Learn how to use this camera

See, a reflection lens inside

So you're actually taking pictures
on the side

Then no one would know
you're taking his pictures

Let me practice

What do you see?

A pretty chick is walking over

Practice when you are in the office

How come it shrunk 6 inches?

That's a cheap suit

What do you expect?

He'll notice us if we get any closer

But we won't know which entrance

Count the steps,

11, 12, 13, 14

15, 16, 17, 18

19, 20, 21

But there are doors on both sides

Didn't you hear the iron gate just then?

That's smart thinking

You need this to be in this business,

not magic?

Go and fetch Puffy to help us

Give me the mike

Pin it here

Why put it on?

I'll check the TV

and refrigerator serial number

If they correspond, he'll have to pay

Otherwise, I'll give a signal,

you two can come and haul them out

Puffy, give me a certificate

This is the caretaker's,

I am not selling coffins

Let me

Get the two-way phone ready

Testing! Can you hear me?

Yes, I hear you, over

I'm going in, over

Boss,

what's today's signal, over

"Buddha be praised", over

TV repairman,

your TV has a lot of snowflake

Yeah, I'm freezing to death. Come in!

Help yourself

We don't have any TV here

Master,

help me get rid of him

Stick around, watch me handle him

What are you doing here?

TV repair

Certificate?

You bitch! Why did you take so long
to send a repairman?

You're crazy!
You've got the wrong number

Who are you?

Don't touch me

Don't you dare... don't you dare

I warn you,

I am serious

You try again... my last warning

Alright, I'm leaving

You want to fight?

I'll let my 2nd brother handle you

Junior!

Hit the one with glasses

He doesn't have them on now

"Buddha be praised"

Even buddha won't help you now

Let big brother have some fun,

it's his birthday

King Kong!

Where're you from?

Mongkok, Kowloon, "Buddha be praised"

What did you say?

Buddha,

"Buddha be praised"

What's wrong with your neck?

I got whacked in the last case

Really?

That's mild

Sometimes,

you can really get hurt

You mean like him?

Mr Chen, look what's this?

My elbow's got rheumatism

Have a seat

Someone's been cutting up...

the theatre's seats lately?

Worse, look at this, a letter too

Just to prove

he's not joking

If I don't pay,

he'll set one off

$300,000

Yeah!

I think we had better inform the police

We can't,

we'd lose our audience

So you don't want to pay him. Puffy!

No!

There's no end...

paying them

Check if this is real

How?

Told you before,
1 red wire, the other blue

Connect them, if it's fake, no problem

It it's real, you'll be 23 tomorrow

I am just 20

Chinese people usually add 3 years
to their age when they die

You need not worry

I've come upon something similar,

then...

What are you doing?

Didn't you ask me...

to connect 2 wires?

But if it's real, you'll blow us up

Where then?

Go to the bathroom

Mr Chen, don't worry

This happened before,

though not in a theatre

Boss, if that's real,

I'll get blown up

Can't you count,

only one in there

But three out here

I guess you're right

Mr Chen, don't worry

They only want to...

scare you

With my experience, I can tell

That is real stuff

What happened? Still alive?

How come you are here?

I don't know,

I connected 2 wires

It didn't explode, so I walked out

Now you are using your brains

Go with Mr Chen

and see if you find anything suspicious

Miss, is the boss here?

Mrs Mok, have a seat

Boss, Mrs Mok is here

Which one?

The chatterbox?

The ugly duck who tries to look young?

Yes, no,

the boss lady of Da Wah Supermarket

Okay, I'll be there

Boss is coming

Mrs Mok, you look younger

Just look at you...

Like an ugly duck

No, just like a tender chicken

Every man will fall on love with you

How come? You become a black pig

It scornched by the stock market

What can I do for you?

Oh

Shoplifters in my supermarket

I am losing more than $1,000 daily

I want you to catch them

Go check the other side

What are you doing?

Look!

Why don't we arrest them now?

We can't prove anything

They can claim,

they'll pay at the door

What?

These 2 rolls cost $128?

Including those in your stomach

I don't have any money

It's fine

You get free meals in jail

Boss lady, I think...

Stop, stay right here

How do you feel?

Use your "Five Animals" kung fu

Dragon style

Snake style

Tiger style

Leopard style

Crane style

You're even better than your boss

I should just call you...

next time

You need skill...

to prepare cream chicken

Pluck the feathers, using lukewarm water

Around 80 degrees will do

Hot water affects...

the skin texture

The meat will also become tough

Put the chicken on the chopping block

For sauce, half a bowl of coconut milk

Some lard, green pepper,

bay leaf and green onions

Ginger, and 2 bottles of milk

I shall repeat

Coconut milk, lard...

It's 8 already, get up

Boss, such bunk beds!

They're worse than those
on the Macau ferry

What do you...

expect for $100?

Why don't you get rid of it

No way, I need this in case...

I hire another helper

Anyway, it's worse than a coffin

Sure, a coffin costs more than $1,000

All you know is how to loaf

Let's do some waist exercises

1234, 2234,

3234, 4234

Let's place our hands on the stomachs

Massage, it can slim down fat

Get ready, 1234, 2234

Left 234, Right 234,

spread the legs

Move the head in circular motion

This will help loosen the neck

Ready, 1234, 2234

Change side,

1234, 2234

A deep breath,

then lie on the floor

Hands straight,

sit up with the waist

Ready, bend waist, exhale, lie back

Bend waist, exhale, lie back

Now we do leg exercises

Isn't that good?

I don't know
what I look like with this on

As you said, a small turtle

Only you look like a small turtle with
your short neck and small head

I have a long neck

and a big head

Then you look an ostrich

What? You...

Boss, Mr Chow sent us...

his wife's pictures

His wife is going to the salon today

He suspects she is having an affair

So he employs us to follow her

You two go together

Boss, I want to go to the doctor's

What for?

I think I got the flu

Have you ever heard of people
dying from flu?

If it's swine flu. Certainly!

Listen! If you got flu, you'll be O.K.

If you got swine flu,

you'll die anyway

Either way...

you'd waste money by going to the doctor

You are right

Yeah

Well,

you'd better see a doctor anyway

Or else you'll think I am too mean

Learn to use this

Just press the black button

Let me try

Boss, can you hear me? Over

Boss, can you hear me? Over

Boss, can't you hear? Over

How? With no antenna?

All women fool around?

Any young wife married to...

an old man

She is a nun if she doesn't fool around

Why does the husband want to find out?
It's just more headache

To save on...

alimony later

Rich people are pity shrewd

Or they won't be rich people

Her husband should not get uptight

The wife's having an affair

Is like...

playing a game of mahjong

Boss,

I haven't seen your wife yet

Has she gone back to her mon's?

To play mahjong with someone?

Damn, don't you know how to drive?

Stopping the car in the middle
of the road?

You'll flunk all road tests...

for sure!

Use the bus for the rest of your life

She just sent the driver away
Might sneak out any time

I'll guard at the rear door
Call me if anything happens

Boss, can you hear me? Over

Boss, can you hear me? Over

Damn! Don't you know how to drive?

What's up?

They're over there

They've gone inside

Together?

All right, let's rent a room also

What's this?

Tell me it's not true

You can't die before you are 80

Why?

Because you won't be able to pay me back

The designs in our rooms are
many and varied

This is "Modern Times"

"Through The Looking Glass"

This "Enjoy Yourself Tonight" suite
is taken

Please come over here

Taken by a man with a moustache?

No, he is in room B3

Let me recommend...

the room with water bed

The sensation is like floating on water

Why not enjoy yourself

I know you guys like special pleasure

How do you know?

Both of you are not women

Isn't that special? This way please

You can pay when you leave

Really comfortable? Huh?

Never tried this before

Quit thinking of pleasure, you kid

You know what they say about...

the wheel of fortune

That's terrific! My fortune's been bad
for the past 20 years

If it turns,
I can live it up the next 20 years

I feel...

this world owes me a lot

You didn't even bring a diaper,

when you were born!

What does this world owe you?

Let's start working

What are they doing?

Playing mahjong

Which round now?

End of the last round

Looks like they'll have another round

Let's have a drink first

Great!

You think your old man would notice us?

Yes, if we were stocks and shares

Cheers

You always carry your gun, any good?

I am...

the best shooter on the force

And the fastest?

You are being neaty

I don't understand,

why that old man...

What's this?

Submarine

Submarine?

What's that noise?

Don't be suspicious; let's take a bath

O.K.

Change the bath water

Good

Got it!

I lost again

You lost again

Let's do it again

Who are you?

I am the plumber

How come you are here then?

Because the plumbing is here

Don't run away

Get up!

What have you done? Been swimming

You too!

How did this come about?

Water bed gives you...

the floating sensation!

That why it's worth...

What happened?

Just sleeping on water bed

It's so horrifying!

You'd be lucky if you don't drowned

Mr Chen

Go steal a car

Give out tickets to our men

How come you like raw carrots?

What else can I eat for $2 per meal?

Don't get jumpy?

You know too much carrots can
make you...

As long as you know

Hey, watch where you're going

Mr Chen, that's him

I'll make a phone call

Jacky, what's the matter?

I'll come right away

Don't move, stop the projector,
turn on the lights

This is not the ticket office

Don't talk, quick

What happened?

Live show on stage!

This is not a blackout

Neither is it live show; it's a robbery!

I want cooperation, please don't panic

Then nothing will happen to you

Don't move or you'll got hurt

Everybody stand up...

with your hands up

Please notice...

the guns are real

No need to risk your lives

Be fast, put them in

It is important to be honest

Put everything...

you own into the bags

I'll search a few to make sure

If I find out there're something...

Again the same lousy congee

Right!

Get 2 bowls to the back alley

O.K.

Why do you like the congee here?

Miss, hurry up!

Better give us the money

Don't pretend to be a fool

Don't bother to count. All of it

Don't play games

Tired of living?

Take off the jade bracelet

It won't come out

Then chop off your hand

Oh, no, I'll take it off

They rob, would they rape too?

You wish

I'll search another person now

You'll be in trouble
if you hide something

The one standing next to the priest

The lady next to him

It can be rape

That one looks cheeky

Come forward too. Quick!

Nothing; very cooperative

Applause please

Thank you for your cooperation. Go now

Come over here

What's this?

It's a rubber band

Have you ever played Russian Roulette?

No

Well, I'll show you

Spread out, your legs

How many cylinders are there?

Six

Look, here are 3 bullets

I'll mix them up;

you won't know which is where

Your left or right foot? Speak up

I want them both

I'll choose for you, right foot

I need it to play right wing in soccer

Your may switch to left wing position

Leave us alone,

I'll let him go if he wins

I told you'd to play left wing

Just go on enjoying the movie

Don't look at us within 5 minutes

that'll be the last thing

you'll see

Let's go

Damn baldy!

Of all cars he stole an ice-cream truck

Maybe he likes good air-conditioning

Any question?

No

Welcome, everybody

Mr and Mrs Chow will...

present the award

Mr Lee,

our brave citizen

Mr Lee, you look very familiar

I used to be a plumber

Oh?

Mr Lee, a speech?

I just hope all our citizens will...

cooperate with the police

Remember, the police are your friends

they are your close friends

Together we take a gaint step forward

Why is there so much deceit?

Why is happiness not shared?

Why is the dripping water
the only consistent thing?

Shortsighted are the social climbers

Gloating with self-importance!

Little do they know
the castle's made of sand

It's all ordained. What's yours is yours

What's not, is not

Ever seen those two...

after they quit?

They haven't visited you...

for some time

Jacky, do you think I am mean

No

When was...

your last raise?

I don't think you ever gave me one

We have to advertise for
two new assistants

No! Kids nowadays are too smart

They'd for a month or 2,

then quit

Better think of another way

How? You can't even walk

Why not?

Hold this, look, how's this?

Tell me it's not true

Consultation fee is $200 per hour

It's deductible if we got a deal

Have a piece of candy

In our prefession,
connections are important

I shook hands with
the former police commissioner

Please start from the beginning

He never did need...

a secretary

Then,

he hired one

Then I get suspicious

Excuse me

Boss well, have a piece of candy

Starting your business with...

this small space?

Why not?

With a couple of fake credentials,
no one can tell

In a short while, business will pick up

Business has been slow already

Now with you next door

We will just starve together

It's still better than
just the two of us starving

Let's cooperate,
and talk about the terms

Why should I? I know all you know

But you don't know what I know

Boss!

Is it a 50
0 deal?

But at least 2 days off every week

Why so many days off?

So I can play mahjong with Jacky!

We the poor working people

Getting ulcers, running around

Chicken feed is our reward

Rough deal is what we get

The boss is ever ready to explode

His barks are long, his face longer

When we ask for a raise

Brother, you're in for a treat

Working like a dog

Things keep on going wrong

Why don't we grab a gun and hold 'em up?

At least making our effort worthwhile

it's tit for tat,

tat for tit

We the poor working people

Slaves to money for life

Our misery, it's unspeakable

But we don't take it for granted

Happiness is not ours to share

Sufferings are our to bear

A little more is a little more. We care

At least making our effort worthwhile

it's tit for tat,

tat for tit

We the poor working people

Slaves to money for life

Our misery, it's unspeakable

But we don't take it for granted