The Prisoner of Second Avenue (1975) - full transcript

Man: THIS IS ROGER KELTING
WITH THE 9:00 REPORT.

THE HEAT WAVE ROLLS ON
AS THE CITY SWELTERS

THROUGH ITS EIGHTH
CONSECUTIVE DAY

OF RECORD TEMPERATURES
IN THE UPPER 90s.

THE TEMPERATURE IN
CENTRAL PARK AT 9 A.M.

IS 96 DEGREES WITH
NO RELIEF IN SIGHT.

MORE POWER BLACKOUTS
IN THE CITY TODAY,

AND RESIDENTS IN SECTIONS
OF QUEENS, JACKSON HEIGHTS,

AND THE MORRISANIA SECTION
OF THE BRONX

AND THE BEDFORD AREA
OF BROOKLYN

HAVE BEEN WITHOUT
ANY LIGHTS OR ELECTRICITY



FOR 18 HOURS.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT!

HEH.

WHEW.

EXACT CHANGE ONLY.

WELL, I--I'M SORRY.

I JUST DIDN'T WAKE UP
WITH THE EXACT CHANGE TODAY.

OFF, MISTER. LET
THE PEOPLE THROUGH.

WHAT, AM I SUPPOSED TO BE BORN
WITH 35 CENTS IN MY POCKET?

OFF! OFF!

OH, FOR CRYING...

JOE.

JOE!



47th AND MADISON.

HUH?

4--40--

47th AND MADISON!

GOT ANY AIR CONDITIONING
UP THERE?

WHAT?

AIR CONDITIONING?

YEAH. IT'S ON.
ISN'T IT GREAT?

IT'S GREAT UP THERE.
BACK HERE, IT'S A COFFIN.

HERE. KEEP 35 CENTS
FOR YOURSELF.

HEY, WHAT?

KEEP 35 CENTS
FOR YOURSELF!

HEY, IT'S LOCKED.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IT'S JAMMED. I CAN'T--

WILL YOU OPEN
THIS THING UP!

I CAN'T BREATHE
IN HERE.

HEY, STOP KICKING.
YOU'LL BREAK MY CAB!

YOU'RE A VERY NERVOUS
FELLOW

WITH THE KICKING
AND THE BANGING.

I SEE YOU AGAIN, I AIN'T
PICKING YOU UP.

I DON'T LIKE
NERVOUS PEOPLE.

THEY MAKE ME NERVOUS!

OOP, OOP, OOP.

HEH HEH HEH.
HEY, MEL.

HEY, UH, CHARLIE.

I'M LATE. HOW'S EDNA?

WHO?

EDNA.

EDNA?

OH, SH--FINE.

THE GIRLS?

THE GIRLS?
THEY'RE FINE, I GUESS.

THEY'RE IN SCHOOL.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU
HAVEN'T SLEPT IN A WEEK.

I DON'T SLEEP TOO WELL
IN THIS WEATHER.

HEAR THINGS ARE A LITTLE
ROUGH IN THE OFFICE.

HUH?
ROUGH.

YOU KNOW,
FOR YOU LOUSY.

EXCUSE ME.

YEAH, IT'S JUST,
UH, IT'S THE SEASON.

YOU KNOW,
THINGS'LL GET BETTER.

I HOPE SO.

WAS THAT YOUR FLOOR?

HMM? NO. I'M 16.

THAT WAS 16.

OH, GOD,
I MUST BE DREAMING.

I'M LUCKY I'M
IN THE RIGHT BUILDING.

I'LL GET OFF
ON THIS NEXT ONE.

I'LL SEE YA, CHARLIE.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE DOORS?

I THINK WE'RE STUCK.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
WE'RE STUCK?

IT HAPPENED YESTERDAY.
THEY OVERLOAD THE POWER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
WE'RE TRAPPED IN HERE?

THEY KNOW WE'RE HERE.
THEY'LL GET IT GOING.

MAYBE THEY DON'T KNOW
WE'RE HERE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD HOLLER
FOR HELP OR SOMETHING.

PRESS THE ALARM BUTTON.

PRESS THE ALARM BUTTON.
CAN YOU--

[CLICKING]

I DON'T THINK
IT'S WORKING.

I TOLD YOU.
WE SHOULD YELL FOR HELP.

H-HELP! HELP!

H-H-HELP.

HELP.

HELP!

HE-EH!

AHEM. AHEM.

HELP, UH, OH...

SEE YOU, MEL.

HELEN...

PUH! THERE'S NO WATER.

OH, I'M SORRY. DIDN'T HAVE
A CHANCE TO FILL IT.

IT WAS TYPING SOME LETTERS
FOR MR. BROCKMAN.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH
HIS SECRETARY?

SHE WAS LAID OFF
YESTERDAY.

THEY WANT ME TO DOUBLE
BETWEEN YOU AND MR. BROCKMAN

IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, YEAH, SURE. IF YOU
THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT.

I CAN HANDLE IT,
ALL RIGHT.

I MEAN, THERE REALLY HASN'T
BEEN THAT MUCH TO DO

AROUND HERE LATELY,
HAS THERE?

I--I PUT SOME VOUCHERS
ON YOUR DESK TO SIGN.

FOR WHAT?

SANDWICH YOU
SENT OUT FOR YESTERDAY.

FROM NOW ON,

NO OUTSIDE FOOD CAN BE
CHARGED TO THE COMPANY.

WAS AN EGG SALAD
AND A COKE, WASN'T IT?

YEAH, AND A PICKLE.
BIG PICKLE.

RIGHT. I PUT DOWN
THE PICKLE.

GOOD. BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO CAUSE ANY CONCERN

AT THE ANNUAL
STOCKHOLDERS' MEETING.

OH...

GOD.

GOD, GOD, GOD.

[COUGHING]

MEL?

HUH? WHAT?

CAN'T YOU SLEEP?

IF I COULD SLEEP,
WOULD I BE LAYING HERE

CALLING GOD AT 2:00
IN THE MORNING?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

AH, NOTHING.
NOTHING.

SOMETHING'S
THE MATTER, MEL.

YOU KNOW IT'S
12 DEGREES IN HERE.

MIDDLE OF A GODDAMN
HEAT WAVE.

IT'S 12 DEGREES
IN HERE.

I'LL TURN THE AIR
CONDITIONER OFF.

THEN HOW DO WE BREATHE?

84 DEGREES OUTSIDE, AND
IT'S 12 DEGREES INSIDE.

EITHER WAY,
THEY'RE GOING TO GET ME.

YOU WANT ANOTHER BLANKET?

I GOT
ANOTHER BLANKET.

I CALLED
THE SUPERINTENDENT.

HE SAID HE'D BE UP
TO FIX IT TOMORROW.

[COUGHS]

WHY DO THEY BOTHER
PRINTING ON IT "HIGH,"

"MEDIUM," AND "LOW"?
EVERYTHING IS "HIGH."

"LOW" IS "HIGH,"
"MEDIUM" IS "HIGH."

ONE OF THESE NIGHTS,
I'M GONNA PUT IT ON "HIGH,"

THEY'LL HAVE TO
GET A FLAME-THROWER

TO GET US OUT
IN THE MORNING.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO, MEL?

GO BACK TO SLEEP.

I CAN'T SLEEP WHEN
YOU'RE TENSE LIKE THIS.

I'M NOT TENSE.
I'M FROZEN STIFF.

ARE YOU SURE
THERE'S NOTHING ELSE?

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE.

GO TO SLEEP, EDNA.

OH...GOD.

DO YOU MIND IF
I TELL YOU SOMETHING?

DO YOU MIND VERY MUCH?

YOU WERE TENSE WHEN YOU WALKED
INTO THE HOUSE TONIGHT.

YOU'VE BEEN TENSE
FOR A WEEK.

WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU?

I'VE SEEN YOU
WHEN YOU GET THIS WAY.

WHAT IS IT?
IT'S NOTHING.
I'M TIRED.

I'M UP NOW. YOU
MIGHT AS WELL TELL ME.

WELL, I'M TELLING YOU
IT'S NOTHING.

I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S EVERYTHING.

IT'S THIS APARTMENT,
UH, THIS BUILDING.

IT'S THIS CITY.

NOW, LISTEN...

COME LISTEN TO THIS.

2:00 IN THE MORNING,
ONE CAR'S DRIVING AROUND

IN JACKSON HEIGHTS.
WE CAN HEAR IT.

14 STORIES UP,

I HEAR THE SUBWAY BETTER
THAN I HEAR IT IN THE SUBWAY.

WE'RE LIKE SOME KIND
OF AN ANTENNA HERE.

ALL THE SOUND COMES UP
THROUGH THIS APARTMENT

AND THEN OUT TO THE CITY.

WE'VE LIVED HERE
FOR 6 YEARS.

IT NEVER BOTHERED
YOU BEFORE.

WELL, IT'S WORSE NOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I'M GETTING OLDER,
MORE SENSITIVE TO...

[MUSIC PLAYS]
SOUNDS AND NOISE...

2:00
IN THE MORNING.

YOU BELIEVE IT'S STILL
GOING ON NEXT DOOR?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT, ARE YOU
TRYING TO BE FUNNY?

YOU DON'T HEAR THAT?
YOU MUST BE DEAF.

I MUST BE DEAF.
I DON'T HEAR A THING.

WELL, LISTEN,
FOR GOD'S--

YOU DON'T HEAR THE BEAT,
BEAT, BEAT OF THE TOM-TOM

AS THE JUNGLE
SHADOWS FALL,

OR THE TICK, TICK, TOCK
OF THE STATELY CLOCK

AS IT STANDS AGAINST
THE WALL?

* NIGHT AND DAY *
YOU DON'T HEAR THAT?

NOT WHEN YOU'RE TALKING
OR SINGING

OR WHATEVER IT IS
YOU'RE DOING, I DON'T.

IT'S THOSE 2 GERMAN
AIRLINE HOSTESSES.

EVERY NIGHT THEY GOT
SOMEBODY ELSE IN THERE--

2 HOCKEY PLAYERS,
2 BASKETBALL--

WHATEVER TEAM'S IN TOWN.

WIN OR LOSE,

NOBODY LOSES WHEN
THEY WIND UP IN THERE.

EVERY GODDAMN--

SOMEWHERE THERE'S
A 747 FLYING AROUND--

EVERYBODY'S
SERVING THEMSELVES

'CAUSE THOSE 2 BROADS
NEVER LEAVE THE APARTMENT.

[CLATTERING]

HOLY--COME HERE.

[LAUGHTER]
COME HERE.

TELL ME YOU
CAN'T HEAR THAT.

YES. NOW I HEAR IT.

IS IT ANY WONDER
I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT?

DON'T SLEEP WITH YOUR
HEAD NEXT TO THE WALL.

SLEEP IN THE BEDROOM.

WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF
IN THERE?

IT IS 2 DAMN O'CLOCK
IN THE MORNING!

I CRACKED THE WALL.

I BARELY TOUCHED IT,
AND I CRACKED THE WALL.

IT'S LUCKY I WASN'T
HANGING A PICTURE.

WE ALL COULD HAVE
BEEN KILLED.

IT WAS STARTING
TO CRACK BEFORE.

THEY'RE COMING
TO FIX IT ON MONDAY.

NOT MONDAY.

NO. TOMORROW. I WANT
THAT FIXED TOMORROW.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I'LL TELL THEM.

AND TELL THEM ABOUT
THE AIR CONDITIONER,

AND THE WINDOW
IN OUR BEDROOM

THAT NEVER OPENS
UNLESS IT RAINS,

AND THEN YOU CAN'T SHUT IT
TILL THERE'S A DAMN FLOOD.

AND THEN TELL HIM
ABOUT THE TOILET

THAT NEVER STOPS FLUSHING.

IT STOPS FLUSHING
IF YOU JIGGLE IT.

WHY SHOULD I
HAVE TO JIGGLE IT?

WITH THE MONEY THAT I'M
PAYING AROUND HERE,

DO I HAVE TO STAND
OVER A TOILET

IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE NIGHT AND JIGGLE

EVERY TIME I GO TO
THE BATHROOM?

WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH,
GET BACK INTO BED,

TELL ME,
AND I'LL JIGGLE IT.

YOU GO TO BED, EDNA.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT JIGGLING ANYMORE.

DO YOU HEAR ME?
PLEASE GO TO SLEEP.

I CAN'T SLEEP WHEN I KNOW
YOU'RE WALKING AROUND

UP HERE HAVING
AN ANXIETY ATTACK.

I'M NOT HAVING
AN ANXIETY ATTACK.

I'M JUST A LITTLE TENSE.

OH, GOD.

WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE A VALIUM?

I TOOK ONE.

TAKE ANOTHER ONE.

I TOOK ANOTHER ONE.
THEY DON'T WORK ANYMORE.

2 VALIUMS.
THEY HAVE TO WORK.

GO TELL THEM. I DIDN'T
READ THE INSTRUCTIONS.

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

OH, DON'T YOU
EVER FLY ANYWHERE?

GO KEEP SOMEONE
IN EUROPE AWAKE!

MEL, WILL YOU STOP IT? YOU'RE
REALLY MAKING ME NERVOUS NOW.

WHAT IS WRONG?

YOU DON'T LOOK GOOD.
YOU LOOK PALE. YOU LOOK--

WHY ARE YOU RUBBING
YOUR STOMACH?

I'M NOT RUBBING IT.
I'M JUST HOLDING IT.

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING
YOUR STOMACH?

I DON'T KNOW.

INDIGESTION PROBABLY,
THAT CRAP I HAD FOR LUNCH.

WHERE'D YOU EAT?

IN A HEALTH FOOD
RESTAURANT.

IF YOU CAN'T EAT
HEALTH FOOD ANYMORE,

WHAT THE HELL
CAN YOU EAT?

I'LL MAKE YOU
A NICE CUP OF TEA.

I COULD USE ONE MYSELF.

UH, NOTHING IS
SAFE ANYMORE.

I READ IN THE NEWSPAPER

WHERE 2 WHITE MICE
AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY

GOT DIABETES FROM
EATING GRAHAM CRACKERS.

IT WAS IN
THE "NEW YORK TIMES."

IS THAT WHAT'S
BOTHERING YOU?

DID YOU EAT GRAHAM
CRACKERS TODAY?

FOOD USED TO BE SO GOOD.

I USED TO LOVE FOOD.

I HAVEN'T EATEN FOOD
SINCE I WAS 13.

TOMORROW NIGHT I'LL
MAKE YOU SOME REAL FOOD.

I REMEMBER
HOW THEY MADE IT.

I HAVEN'T HAD A REAL PIECE
OF BREAD FOR 30 YEARS.

IF I'D KNOWN WHAT
WAS GONNA HAPPEN,

I'D HAVE SAVED SOME
ROLLS WHEN I WAS A KID.

I JUST CAN'T BREATHE
IN HERE.

CHRIST, WHAT A STINK!

[SNIFFING]

WHAT THE...

WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?

14 STORIES UP, YOU CAN
SMELL THE GARBAGE FROM HERE.

WHY DO THEY PUT GARBAGE
OUT IN 84-DEGREE HEAT?

[SNIFF SNIFF]

HEY, EDNA, YOU WANT
TO SMELL THE GARBAGE?

I SMELL IT. I SMELL IT.

YOU CAN'T SMELL IT
FROM THERE.

COME HERE WHERE YOU
CAN SMELL IT.

THAT A RIPPER?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

IF YOU REALLY
WANT TO SMELL IT,

YOU HAVE TO STAND
RIGHT HERE.

THE WHOLE COUNTRY'S
BEING BURIED BY GARBAGE,

KEEPS PILING UP HIGHER
AND HIGHER.

IN 3 YEARS, THIS APARTMENT'S
GONNA BE THE SECOND FLOOR.

WHAT CAN THEY DO, MEL--

SAVE IT UP AND PUT IT OUT
IN THE WINTER?

THEY GOT TO
THROW IT OUT SOMETIME.

THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL IT GARBAGE.

I CAN'T TALK TO YOU.

I CAN'T TALK
TO YOU ANYMORE!

MEL, I'M A HUMAN BEING,
THE SAME AS YOU.

I GET COLD,
I GET HOT.

I SMELL GARBAGE,
I HEAR NOISE.

YOU EITHER LIVE WITH IT
OR YOU GET OUT.

IF YOU'RE A HUMAN BEING,

THEN YOU RESERVE
THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN,

TO PROTEST. IF YOU
GIVE UP THAT RIGHT,

THEN YOU CEASE TO EXIST.

I PROTEST AGAINST
STINKING GARBAGE

AND JIGGLING TOILETS!
[DOG BARKING]

AND BARKING DOGS!
NOW, SHUT UP!

DAMN IT.

YOU GONNA TO STAND HERE
AND YELL AT THE DOG?

BECAUSE IF YOU ARE,
I'M GONNA GO TO SLEEP.

WELL, HOW ARE YOU
GONNA SLEEP

WITH A DOG SCREAMING
LIKE THAT?

HEY, KEEP THAT DOG QUIET
DOWN THERE, HUH?

THERE'S HUMAN BEINGS
SLEEPING UP HERE!

CHRIST ALMIGHTY.

Man: SHUT UP DOWN THERE!

WE GOT CHILDREN
UP HERE!

WELL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
YELLING AT ME FOR?

YOU WANT TO COMPLAIN? GO DOWN
AND KEEP THE DOG COMPANY.

JUST KEEP IT QUIET.

MEL, WILL YOU STOP IT?
STOP IT, FOR GOD'S SAKES.

WILL YOU STOP TELLING
ME TO STOP IT?

NOW, DON'T TELL ME
TO STOP IT.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU,

BUT I'M NOT GONNA
STAND HERE

AND LET YOU
TAKE IT OUT ON ME.

NOW, IF IT'S TOO MUCH
FOR YOU,

TAKE A ROOM
AT THE PUBLIC LIBRARY!

BUT DON'T TAKE IT
OUT ON ME!

I'M GOING TO SLEEP.
GOOD NIGHT.

EDNA.

DON'T GO.

TALK TO ME...

FOR A FEW MINUTES.

I THINK
I'M LOSING MY MIND.

WHAT IS IT, MEL?

I'M UNRAVELING.

I--I--I, UH...
I'M LOSING TOUCH.

SOMETHING
IS HAPPENING TO ME

BECAUSE I'M LOSING CONTROL.

I CAN'T--I CAN'T
HANDLE ANYTHING. I...

HEH.

I FORGOT HOW TO WORK
THE WATER COOLER TODAY.

I STOOD THERE WITH
AN EMPTY CUP IN MY HAND

AND WATER RUNNING
ALL OVER MY SHOES.

OH.

IT'S NOT JUST YOU.

IT'S EVERYBODY.

EVERYBODY'S FEELING
THE TENSIONS THESE DAYS.

OH, TENSION.

GOD, IF I COULD
JUST FEEL TENSION.

WHEN YOU'RE TENSE,
YOU'RE TIGHT.

YOU'RE HOLDING ON
TO SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW
WHERE TO GRAB.

I'M SLIPPING.

I'M SCARED.

DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.

NOW WHAT ABOUT SEEING
THE ANALYST AGAIN?

UH, UH, DR. PAKE?
HE'S DEAD.

6 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND $23,000.
HE GOT MY MONEY.

WHAT DOES HE DOES HE CARE
IF HE GETS A HEART ATTACK?

THERE ARE
OTHER GOOD DOCTORS.

YOU CAN SEE SOMEONE ELSE.

WHAT'S THE USE?

GOD, I DON'T KNOW
WHERE I AM OR WHO I AM.

I--I'M DISAPPEARING.

I DON'T NEED AN ANALYST.
I NEED LOST AND FOUND.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

WHO COULD THAT BE?

WHAT?

[RING]

I'LL GET IT.

HELLO.

YES, THIS--

YEAH, THIS IS
APARTMENT 14-A,

AND WHAT ABOUT IT?

WHAT? HA! I'M
KEEPING YOU AWAKE?

WELL, WHO THE HELL
DO YOU THINK GOT ME UP

TO GET YOU UP
IN THE FIRST PLACE?

WHAT? DON'T TELL ME
YOU'VE GOT A PLANE

TO STUTTGART IN THE
MORNING. YOU--

I'LL TALK AS LOUD
AS I WANT!

THIS ISN'T SOME KIND
OF SUBLET, YOU KNOW!

I'M A REGULAR,
AMERICAN PAYING TENANT.

SHH.
THINK I--SHH!

YOU WANT TO BANG
ON THE WALL,

YOU'LL GET A BANG
RIGHT BACK.

IF THEY BANG ON THE WALL,
I WANT YOU TO BANG BACK.

OH, MEL, WHAT ARE YOU
STARTING IN FOR?

WILL YOU--
[BANG BANG]

BANG BACK.

IT'S 2:30.
LEAVE THEM ALONE.

THEY'LL GO TO SLEEP.
WILL YOU BANG BACK?

IF I BANG BACK, THEY'RE
ONLY GONNA BANG BACK AT ME!

WILL YOU BANG BACK?

I'LL BANG. I'LL BANG.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT?

[BANG BANG]

BANG BACK.

[BANG BANG]

BANG BACK.

[BANG BANG]
OW.

BANG BACK!

OW.

[BANG BANG]

GO ON!

HI, HELEN,
ANY CALLS FOR ME?

NO, MR. EDISON.
NO CALLS.

WHAT'S WRONG?

MR. BROCKMAN
WAS FIRED THIS MORNING.

JIM BROCKMAN? JESUS.

MR. DURSTAN CALLED HIM
INTO HIS OFFICE

ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

GUESS YOU'LL BE SHARING ME
WITH MR. DURSTAN NOW.

YEAH, YEAH. SURE.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

YES, MR. DURSTAN?

YES. RIGHT AWAY. YEAH.

MEL?

HMM?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JUST THINKING.

ABOUT WHAT?

NOTHING.

THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE, MEL.

IF YOU'RE THINKING, IT
HAS TO BE ABOUT SOMETHING.

OTHERWISE,
YOU'RE JUST STARING.

I WAS JUST THINKING.

LISTEN, WHY DON'T WE
RELAX THIS WEEKEND?

YOUR BROTHER HARRY CALLED

AND INVITED US OUT
TO THE COUNTRY.

I'M NOT
GOING TO HARRY'S--

4-HOUR DRIVE
EACH WAY,

ANOTHER 4 HOURS LISTENING
TO HOW BIG HIS POOL IS.

A DAY AWAY FROM THIS

MIGHT BE WONDERFUL
FOR YOU--THE FRESH AIR.

HE'LL GIVE ME
BREATHING LESSONS.

EVERY TIME I
GO TO THE COUNTRY,

HARRY GIVES ME
BREATHING LESSONS.

I TOLD HIM WE'D COME.

THEN WHY DO YOU ASK ME?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY WE'RE
GOING TO HARRY'S ON SUNDAY

TO LOOK AT HIS POOL AND
LEARN HOW TO BREATHE?

WE'RE GOING
TO HARRY'S ON SUNDAY

TO LOOK AT HIS POOL AND
LEARN HOW TO BREATHE.

[DOGS BARK]

CHRIST, I FORGOT
ABOUT THOSE DOGS.

THEY'RE KILLERS,
BOTH OF THEM.

OH, THEY'RE NOT, MEL.
THEY'RE SWEET.

THEY'RE LIKE
THEIR OWN KIDS.

I'M AFRAID
OF THEIR KIDS, TOO.

HELLO.

HA HA!
HERE THEY ARE.

HELLO!
HELLO!

WELCOME TO THE COUNTRY,
CITY FOLKS!

[DOGS BARKING]
HA HA HA!

HELLO.
HELLO.

HOW ARE YOU?

HARRY.

HELLO, HARRY.

HARRY! OH, HARRY!

ALL RIGHT, NOW.
BE CAREFUL.

THERE'S SOME POISON IVY
AROUND HERE.

WELL, WHY ARE WE
WALKING HERE?

'CAUSE IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

THIS IS ALL MY PROPERTY
WE'RE WALKING ON.

THESE ARE MY BUSHES,
MY TREES, MY EARTH.

THESE YOUR
MOSQUITOES, TOO?

GNATS. THEY'RE NOT
MOSQUITOES. THEY'RE GNATS.

GNATS?

WE DON'T HAVE MOSQUITOES.
THEY'RE GNATS.

WELL, I'M GLAD
THEY'RE JUST GNATS.

THEY DON'T
BOTHER YOU, HUH?

THEY DON'T BOTHER ME.
I DON'T BOTHER THEM.

THEY ONLY BOTHER PEOPLE
FROM THE CITY.

IS THAT POISON IVY?

WHERE?
RIGHT THERE.

WHERE? NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S WEEDS.

OH.

THAT'S JUST WEEDS.

WHERE YOU'RE STANDING
IS POISON IVY.

ORGANIC.
THIS IS ALL ORGANIC.

MMM.

YOU DON'T GET ORGANIC VEGETABLES
IN THE CITY, DO YOU, EDNA?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I BOIL IT, WE EAT IT,
I THROW THE PAPER AWAY,

AND WE FEEL ROTTEN.

WELL, OF COURSE.

I'M GONNA TEACH YOU
TO GROW YOUR OWN VEGETABLES.

I MEAN YOU CAN DO IT
ON YOUR TERRACE.

NOW, FIRST THING
YOU HAVE TO LEARN

IS TO GET YOURSELF
INTO THE SOIL.

COME ON NOW, EDNA. JUST
GET RIGHT INTO THE SOIL.

MMM.

UH-HUH.

IT'S WONDERFUL.

FEEL LIKE A LITTLE
SWIM, MEL, HUH?

A LITTLE SWIM?

MAYBE LATER.

MAYBE LATER, HUH?
A LITTLE SWIM.

HOW BIG YOU THINK
THAT POOL IS, MEL?

GO ON. TAKE A GUESS.

YOU TOLD ME LAST TIME,
HARRY. IT'S 40 BY 15.

50 BY 15.
I HAD IT ENLARGED.

I COULD GET 160 PEOPLE
IN THERE.

YOU REALLY
WANT TO, HARRY?

YOU'RE UPSET
ABOUT SOMETHING.

YOU LOOK PALE,
MEL, TIRED.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
COME OUT HERE WEEKS AGO.

YOU OK, KID?

OH, HARRY, I'M 48. I'M
HARDLY A KID ANYMORE.

I'M 55, AND
I FEEL LIKE A KID.

I HAVE EVER SINCE
I MOVED OUT OF THE CITY.

BREATHE THAT AIR IN, MEL.
FILL YOUR LUNGS UP.

IT'LL STAY
WITH YOU A WEEK.

I'LL DO IT BEFORE WE GO.
IT'LL LAST LONGER.

KID ME IF YOU WANT TO.

I'VE GOT THE LUNGS
OF A 25-YEAR-OLD BOY.

I'VE GOT THE X-RAYS INSIDE.

YOU WANT TO SEE THEM?

MAYBE AFTER LUNCH.

AFTER LUNCH.

[SIGH]

HOW MANY YEARS HAVE I
BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU

TO MOVE TO THE COUNTRY?

FRESH AIR,
LOW CRIME RATE.

IN 2 YEARS, WE'VE HAD
ONLY 4 BURGLARIES,

2 ATTEMPTED RAPES,
AND ONE COMPLETED RAPE.

IN 2 YEARS. GIVE ME
THE COUNTRY ANYTIME.

DON'T LIE THERE, MEL.

WE'VE JUST HAD MANURE
PUT DOWN.

HUH?

WELL, LISTEN,
TELL ME ABOUT THE GIRLS.

DO THEY LIKE COLLEGE?

KAREN SEEMS VERY HAPPY.

MAGGIE I DON'T KNOW ABOUT.
SHE NEVER WRITES.

OH, COME ON. TRY IT.

AW.

UH, UP AND DOWN. UM...

UP AND DOWN,
NEVER SIDEWAYS.

NEVER SIDEWAYS.

OK, I'LL
TRY TO REMEMBER.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO
WITH YOURSELF ALL DAY,

NOW THAT THE GIRLS
ARE GONE?

I MEAN, IT MUST BE
VERY LONELY FOR YOU.

WELL, IT IS SOMETIMES.

I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT
GOING BACK TO WORK,

BUT I DON'T KNOW--

I LIKE TO BE HOME
WHEN MEL GETS THERE.

OH.
AAH!

UP AND DOWN.

UP AND DOWN,
NEVER SIDEWAYS.

CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHING, MEL,

SOMETHING PERSONAL?

AFTER ALL, I'M YOUR
BROTHER FOR 55 YEARS.

48 YEARS.

YOU HAD 7
ON YOUR OWN.

55, 48,
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG.

I THINK YOU GOT SOME
KIND OF TROUBLE, MEL.

I'M NOT BLIND.

I SEE YOU'RE NOT ENJOYING
YOURSELF HERE!

I'VE BEEN HERE
3 HOURS, HARRY.

SO FAR, I GOT POISON IVY,
I'M CHEWED UP BY GNATS,

I LAID DOWN IN MANURE,

AND YOUR DOG PIDDLED
ALL OVER MY CAR,

SO I HAVEN'T REALLY HAD
A HELL OF A LOT OF TIME

FOR RURAL ECSTASY.

YOU KNOW, I CAN TELL
JUST BY THE WAY

YOU PUT THAT SCOTCH AWAY.

YOU TELL WHAT?

THAT SOMETHING
IS VERY WRONG.
NOTHING IS--

I'D LIKE TO KNOW
WHAT IT IS

SO THAT MAYBE
I CAN HELP YOU WITH IT.

WHAT IS IT, MEL?
TROUBLE WITH EDNA?

ANOTHER WOMAN? WHAT?

CHRIST, EDNA'S THE ONLY
DAMN THING IN THIS WORLD

THAT I CAN DEPEND ON.

THEN YOU GOT NO TROUBLES.

IF A MAN
IS HAPPY WITH HIS WIFE,

HE'S GOT HIS HEALTH,
HE'S GOT NO TROUBLES.

I GOT FIRED, HARRY.

ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM...

BUT NOT TROUBLE.

GOOD. FOR A MINUTE
THERE, I WAS WORRIED.

I'M NOT SAYING
IT'S WONDERFUL NEWS,

BUT IT'S NOT
THE END OF THE WORLD.

DON'T PANIC, ALL RIGHT?

OH, JESUS.

THE MINUTE THE LEAST
LITTLE THING WOULD HAPPEN,

YOU'D ALWAYS PANIC.
AM I RIGHT?

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT, HARRY.

EVERY TIME I LOSE A JOB
AFTER 22 YEARS, I PANIC.

LOOK AT THIS.
YOU WERE 4 YEARS OLD.

LOOK HOW YOU WERE CRYING.
LOOK HOW YOU WERE PANICKING.

LOOK HOW CALM I AM.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GET
UP ON THE GODDAMN PONY.

I'VE BEEN ON PLENTY
OF PONIES IN MY TIME,

BIGGER PONIES THAN THIS.

I WAS THE BREADWINNER
IN THIS FAMILY.

DON'T FORGET THAT.

I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN
THE BREAD, I PROMISE.

BUT I NEVER PANICKED.

I ALWAYS TRIED TO EXAMINE
THE SITUATION INTELLIGENTLY.

YOU ALWAYS FELL APART.

YOU WERE THAT WAY WHEN YOU
WERE A BABY IN THE CRIB.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

DISTINCTLY.

I REMEMBER PANICKING
IN THE CRIB.

YOU ALWAYS SAT
IN THE HIGHCHAIR,

FIGURED THINGS OUT
INTELLIGENTLY. I REMEMBER.

WHA-WHAT WAS THE REASON
THEY GAVE YOU?

YOU WERE WITH THE COMPANY
OVER 20 YEARS.

THEY LOST $3 MILLION
LAST YEAR

AND 2
THE YEAR BEFORE.

THEY'RE JUST LOOKING
TO SAVE PENNIES.

THE VICE PRESIDENT IN
CHARGE OF MY DEPARTMENT

USED THE SAME PAPER
CLIP FOR 6 MONTHS.

NOBODY EVER CAME TO
WORK LATE ANYMORE.

THEY WERE ALL AFRAID IF
YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP ON TIME,

SOMEBODY
WOULD SELL YOUR DESK.

IN OTHER WORDS,
YOU SAW IT COMING.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
CAN DO, DON'T YOU?

YOU CAN COME IN WITH ME.

THANK YOU, HARRY.
NO OFFENSE--

I JUST DON'T
THINK I'M CUT OUT

FOR THE
CHANDELIER BUSINESS.

LIGHTING FIXTURES.

NOT JUST CHANDELIERS.

LIGHTING FIXTURES!

AND DON'T KNOCK IT.

HARRY, COULD WE TURN
ALL OF THIS OFF?

IT LOOKS LIKE A NIGHT
GAME AT SHEA STADIUM.

HUH?

AND WHAT DID EDNA SAY
WHEN YOU TOLD HER?

NOTHING.

ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

NO TEARS, NO PANIC.
I KNEW IT.

SHE'S GOT A LOT
OF STRENGTH, THAT GIRL.

I DIDN'T TELL HER,
HARRY.

OH, MY GOD. I WONDER
HOW SHE'S GONNA TAKE IT.

WHY DO YOU THINK I SLEPT
2 MINUTES IN 6 WEEKS?

I KEEP PRAYING AND WAITING
FOR SOMETHING TO TURN UP

BEFORE I HAVE TO TELL HER.

TELL HER, MEL.

TELL HER. DON'T BEAR
THIS BURDEN BY YOURSELF.

IT HELPS TO SHARE THESE
THINGS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

I TOLD YOU, AND I
DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER.

I'M NOT YOUR WIFE.

THIS IS SOMETHING YOU HAVE
TO SHARE WITH YOUR WIFE.

WHAT'S SOMETHING YOU HAVE
TO SHARE WITH YOUR WIFE?

DINNER.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
YOUR STEAKS?

MEDIUM.

MEDIUM.

MEDIUM.

WHAT WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT
SO LONG WITH HARRY?

I DON'T KNOW.

I NEVER LISTEN WHEN
I'M TALKING TO HARRY.

TALK TO ME, MEL.
I'M A GOOD LISTENER.

EDNA...

YES, MEL?

GET A DOLLAR
FOR THE TOLL.

Man: THIS IS DAN ROLAND
WITH NEWS ON THE HOUR.

IT'S 5:00, AND THE TEMPERATURE
IS 92 DEGREES.

A MEMBER OF THE ALBANIAN
DIPLOMATIC CORPS

WAS MUGGED AND ROBBED
TODAY IN CENTRAL PARK,

DESPITE THE FACT THAT
2 MOUNTED PATROLMEN

WERE ONLY 100 YARDS AWAY.

THE ALBANIAN CLAIMED HE
SCREAMED LOUDLY FOR 2 MINUTES,

BUT UNFORTUNATELY

DID NOT KNOW THE
ENGLISH WORD FOR "HELP."

GOOD AFTERNOON.

AH, THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHAT?

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

GOD.

385 EAST 88th STREET,
APARTMENT 14-A.

CORNER OF SECOND AVENUE.

I DON'T KNOW YET.

UH, THE TELEVISION,
SOME JEWELRY,

LIQUOR, CLOTHING--
LOTS OF CLOTHING.

ALL MY DRESSES,
MY-MY COATS...

AND ALL OF
MY HUSBAND'S SUITS--

THERE'S NOT A THING
LEFT IN HIS CLOSET.

WELL, COULD YOU SEND
SOMEBODY RIGHT AWAY

BECAUSE I'M ALL ALONE HERE?

THANK YOU.

GOODBYE.

VALIUM.

I NEED A VALIUM.

[SIGH]

EDNA?

OH...

MEL, IT'S YOU.

DIDN'T MILDRED COME IN
TO CLEAN TODAY?

NOT TODAY.
MONDAYS AND THURSDAYS.

WELL, WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED HERE?

WHY IS THIS PLACE
SUCH A MESS?

WE'VE BEEN ROBBED.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
ROBBED?

ROBBED.

ROBBED.

WHAT DOES "ROB" MEAN?

THEY COME IN,
THEY TAKE THINGS OUT.

YOU HAD 'EM,
NOW THEY GOT 'EM.

THEY USED TO BE YOURS,
NOW THEY'RE THEIRS.

WE'VE BEEN ROBBED!

UH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU MEAN SOMEONE WALKED
IN HERE AND ROBBED US?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, THEY CALLED
UP AND MADE AN APPOINTMENT?

WE'VE BEEN ROBBED!

CALM DOWN.
TAKE IT EASY.

I'M ASKING
ONE SIMPLE QUESTION.

WHAT HAPPENED?
WHAT DID THEY GET?

I DON'T KNOW YET.
I WAS OUT SHOPPING.

I WAS ONLY GONE
5 MINUTES--

I CAME BACK AND
FOUND IT LIKE THIS.

YOU COULDN'T HAVE
BEEN GONE 5 MINUTES.

WILL YOU LOOK
AT THIS PLACE?

5 MINUTES.
THAT'S ALL I WAS GONE.

WELL, IT TOOK THE 7
SANTINI BROTHERS 2 DAYS

TO MOVE
EVERYTHING IN HERE.

HOW COULD
A COUPLE OF JUNKIES

MOVE IT OUT
IN 5 MINUTES?

WHO KNOWS?
IT'S A SPECIAL TALENT.

WHEN YOU CAME BACK
IN THE BUILDING,

DID YOU NOTICE ANYBODY
SUSPICIOUS-LOOKING?

EVERYONE IN THIS BUILDING
IS SUSPICIOUS-LOOKING.

WELL, DID YOU NOTICE
ANYBODY LEAVING THE BUILDING

WITH ANY BUNDLES
OR PACKAGES?

3 GUYS CAME OUT
OF THE ELEVATOR.

HOW SHOULD I KNOW
IT WAS OUR TELEVISION?

THEY TOOK
THE TELEVISION.

A BRAND-NEW,
COLOR TELEVISION.

YOU SAW THEM AND YOU
DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING?

WHAT DID YOU WANT ME TO DO,
MAKE A CITIZEN'S ARREST?

I HAD BUNDLES IN MY ARMS.

I DIDN'T KNOW
IT WAS OURS!

DID YOU SEE WHAT
THEY LOOKED LIKE?

COULD YOU DESCRIBE
THEM TO THE POLICE?

I DIDN'T LOOK.
I DIDN'T NOTICE.

I'M NOT BULLDOG DRUMMOND.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

SIT DOWN, WILL YA? I'LL
GET YOU SOME SCOTCH.

IT'LL CALM YOU DOWN.

IT WON'T CALM ME DOWN
BECAUSE THEY TOOK THE SCOTCH.

MY CHIVAS REGAL, TOO?

NO. THEY'RE GONNA
TAKE THE CHEAP SCOTCH
AND LEAVE THE CHIVAS REGAL.

THEY TOOK IT ALL.
THEY CLEANED US OUT!

SONS OF BITCHES.

SONS OF BITCHES.

SONS OF BITCHES!

DIRTY ROTTEN BASTARDS!

Mel: YOU HEARD ME!

MUST'VE BEEN GORILLAS TO LIFT
ALL THAT IN 5 MINUTES.

SONS OF BITCHES.

STOP SWEARING. THE POLICE
WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

I JUST CALLED THEM.

DID YOU CALL
THE POLICE?

DIDN'T I JUST SAY THAT?

DID YOU TELL THEM
WE WERE ROBBED?

WHY ELSE
WOULD I CALL THEM?

I'M NOT FRIENDLY
WITH THE POLICE.

WHAT KIND OF QUESTIONS
ARE YOU ASKING?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

CALM DOWN.
YOU'RE HYSTERICAL.

I AM NOT HYSTERICAL.
YOU'RE HYSTERICAL.

YOU'RE MAKING ME
HYSTERICAL.

DON'T YOU REALIZE MY
HOUSE HAS JUST BEEN ROBBED?

WHAT AM I, A BOARDER?

MY HOUSE HAS JUST
BEEN ROBBED, TOO.

MY SCOTCH, MY TELEVISION ARE
MISSING, THE SAME AS YOURS.

YOU DIDN'T WALK IN
AND FIND IT. I DID.

WHAT THE HELL IS THE
DIFFERENCE WHO FOUND IT?

THERE'S STILL NOTHING TO
DRINK AND NOTHING TO WATCH.

OH, MY GOD.

THEY FOUND MY
KITCHEN MONEY, TOO.

WHAT KITCHEN MONEY?

I KEPT MY KITCHEN
MONEY IN HERE.

$86.

IN CASH?

WHY DO YOU KEEP...
CASH IN THE BOOK?

SO NO ONE
WILL FIND IT.

WHERE ELSE AM I
GONNA KEEP IT?

OK, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

AS LONG AS
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

AS LONG AS YOU
WEREN'T HURT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I'D
WALKED IN AND FOUND THEM, MEL?

WHAT WOULD I HAVE DONE?

WELL, YOU WERE LUCKY,
EDNA. VERY LUCKY.

YEAH, BUT WHAT WOULD
I HAVE DONE?

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

YOU DIDN'T WALK IN
AND FIND THEM.

YEAH, BUT SUPPOSING I DID.
WHAT WOULD I HAVE DONE?

EDNA, YOU'D
SAY "EXCUSE ME,"

CLOSE THE DOOR,
AND COME BACK LATER.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO,
SIT AND WATCH?

WHY DO YOU ASK ME
SUCH QUESTIONS?

LOOK AT THAT.

THE LOCK ISN'T BUSTED,
ISN'T JIMMIED.

I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW
THEY EVEN GOT IN HERE.

MAYBE THEY FOUND
MY KEY IN THE STREET.

IF YOU DIDN'T
HAVE YOUR KEY,

HOW WERE YOU GOING TO
GET BACK IN THE HOUSE

WHEN YOU WENT SHOPPING?

I LEFT THE DOOR OP--

PEN.

YOU LEFT THE DOOR OPEN.

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO,
TAKE THE FURNITURE WITH ME?

I WAS ONLY GONE
5 MINUTES.

HOW DID THEY KNOW I WAS
GONNA LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN?

OH, THEY KNOW.
THEY KNOW.

A DOOR OPENS,
DOESN'T LOCK,

THE WHOLE JUNKIE
WORLD LIGHTS UP--

"DOOR OPEN, 14th FLOOR,
88th AND SECOND AVENUE."

THEY KNOW.

I DIDN'T THINK
THEY'D TRY MY DOOR

THE 5 MINUTES
I WAS OUT OF THE HOUSE.

I GAMBLED, I LOST.

WHAT KIND OF GAMBLE
IS THAT?

YOU LOSE,
THEY GET EVERYTHING.

YOU WIN, THEY ROB
SOMEBODY ELSE.

I HAD TO SHOP.

THERE WAS NOTHIN' IN
THE HOUSE TO EAT TONIGHT.

NOW YOU GOT
SOMETHING TO EAT

AND NOTHING
TO EAT IT WITH.

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL UP
AND HAVE THEM SEND IT?

BECAUSE I SHOP AT A CHEAP
STORE THAT DOESN'T DELIVER.

I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO SAVE US MONEY

BECAUSE YOU GOT ME
SO WORRIED THE OTHER NIGHT.

I SAVED US $1.79
WITH GREEN STAMPS

AND NO DELIVERY CHARGE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE CAN'T LEAVE
EVERYTHING LIKE THIS.

I WANT TO CLEAN UP.
NOW?

THE PLACE IS A MESS.
WE HAVE PEOPLE COMING OVER
IN A FEW MINUTES.

THE POLICE. YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE THE PLACE CLEANED

FOR THE POLICE?
WHAT, ARE YOU AFRAID

THEY'RE GONNA
PUT DOWN IN THEIR BOOKS
"BAD HOUSEKEEPER"?

LEAVE IT ALONE. MAYBE
THEY'LL FIND A CLUE.

WHERE YOU GOING?

TO THE BEDROOM.
I'M WRINGING WET,

AND I'M GOING
TO CHANGE.

DON'T CHANGE.

YOU LOOK FINE TO ME.

WELL, THANK YOU.
I'M STILL WRINGING WET.

WHERE ARE MY 7 SUITS,
3 SPORT COATS,

AND 5 PAIR OF SLACKS?

THAT'S WHAT YOU HAD,
THAT'S WHAT THEY GOT.

I'M LUCKY MY TUXEDO'S
IN THE CLEANERS.

THEY SENT IT BACK
THIS MORNING.

OH, WELL, THAT--BOY,
THEY DID A GOOD JOB.

OH, THEY CLEANED ME OUT.
THEY LEFT ME

WITH A PAIR OF KHAKI
PANTS AND A GOLF CAP!

THE DIRTY...

MEL, IT'S JUST THINGS.

JUST SOME OLD COATS
AND SUITS.

WE CAN REPLACE THEM.
WE'LL BUY NEW ONES.

WITH WHAT?

WITH WHAT, EDNA?
THEY FI--

THEY FIRED ME.

OH, MY GOD,
DON'T TELL ME...

WELL, I'M TELLING YOU.
THEY FIRED ME.

AW, MEL...

I'M SO SORRY.

I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T WANT YOU
TO WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I'LL FIND ANOTHER
JOB, YOU'LL SEE.

OF COURSE YOU WILL.

YOU'LL TAKE DOWN
THE LIVING ROOM DRAPES,

MAKE ME A SUIT, AND I'LL
LOOK FOR ANOTHER JOB.

WE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
WE WILL.

IT'S NOT THE END
OF THE WORLD, SWEETHEART.

WE CAN MOVE AWAY. WE DON'T
HAVE TO LIVE IN THE CITY.

WHY SHOULD WE
HAVE TO MOVE?

I STILL HAVE VALUE.
I STILL HAVE WORTH!

I KNOW.

WHAT KIND OF A LIFE
IS THIS,

LIVING LIKE CAGED ANIMALS
IN A SECOND AVENUE ZOO

THAT'S TOO COLD IN ONE ROOM
AND TOO HOT IN THE OTHER.

OVERCHARGED FOR A GROWTH

ON THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING
THEY CALL A TERRACE?

IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL
A WORTHWHILE LIFE,

BANGIN' ON WALLS AND
JIGGLING TOILETS?

WHERE THE HELL
DO YOU WANT TO MOVE TO,

MAINE? VERMONT?

UH, OREGON?
UNEMPLOYED LUMBERJACKS

ARE SITTIN' AROUND
SAWING THE LEGS OFF CHAIRS

BECAUSE THEY HAVE
NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND
I'D GO ANYWHERE WITH YOU

SO LONG AS
YOU WERE HAPPY?

WE COULD MOVE
TO EUROPE, TO SPAIN.

2 PEOPLE CAN LIVE ON
$1,500 A YEAR IN SPAIN.

SPANISH PEOPLE!

I NEED A DRINK.

LET'S GO SOMEWHERE
AND GET A DRINK.

THERE'S SOME BEER
IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

THEY DIDN'T LOOK
IN THE REFRIGERATOR?

THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
WE CAN KEEP THE CLOTHES

IN THERE FROM NOW ON.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

MR. EDISON?

YEAH. COME ON IN.

I'D OFFER YOU FELLAS
A DRINK,

BUT I'M AFRAID
YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE.

[WOMAN GIGGLING]

DID YOU HEAR WHAT
THAT DETECTIVE SAID?

THERE WAS 346 ROBBERIES
IN THE CITY TODAY.

346. THAT MEANS
THEY GOT TO SOLVE 345

BEFORE I GET
MY SUEDE SHOES BACK.

MAYBE THEY WILL, MEL.

THEY HAVE A COMPLETE
DESCRIPTION

OF EVERYTHING WE LOST.

TERRIFIC.
NOW ALL THEY GOT TO DO

IS FIND 3 GUYS DRESSED
THE WAY I USED TO DRESS.

FORGET IT.
THE STUFF IS GONE.

IT JUST GALLS ME
THAT THIS WINTER

3 JUNKIES ARE GONNA BE
WARMER THAN ME.

COME ON.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

OH, SWEETHEART,
IT'S SO ROTTEN.

HMM?

I MEAN TO GET FIRED AND
THEN COME HOME AND FIND

YOUR HOUSE HAS BEEN
ROBBED ON THE SAME DAY.

I WASN'T FIRED TODAY.

THAT HAPPENED THURSDAY.

BOTTLE OF CHIVAS REGAL.

LAST THURSDAY?
YEAH.

YOU MEAN YOU'VE KNOWN
FOR 4 DAYS,

AND YOU HAVEN'T
SAID A WORD TO ME?

I DIDN'T KNOW
HOW TO TELL YOU.

I COULDN'T WORK UP
MY COURAGE.

I WAS HOPING
A MIRACLE WOULD HAPPEN,

ANOTHER JOB
WOULD COME ALONG.

WELL, MIRACLES DON'T
HAPPEN WHEN YOU'RE 48.

WHEN MOSES SAW
THE BURNING BUSH,

HE WAS 23,
24 AT THE MOST,

NEVER 48.

HELLO? WE'RE BACK.

MEL, DON'T DO THAT.
YOU'RE SCARING ME.

[MUSIC BOX PLAYING
"FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW"]

DINNER IS SERVED.

YOU KNOW,
WE HAVE TO GET OUT.

I'LL GO WHEREVER
YOU WANT, SWEETHEART.

NO, I DON'T MEAN
OUT OF HERE--

OUT OF OBLIGATIONS,
THINGS WE DON'T NEED

THAT ARE CHOKING US.

I'M GONNA QUIT THE GYM.
I DON'T NEED A GYM

FOR ANY $200 A YEAR.

I'LL RUN AROUND
THE BEDROOM.

ONLY WAY TO KEEP WARM
IN THERE ANYWAY.

AND LOOK. HEH HEH.
LOOK AT THIS.

$8.50 FOR A MUSICAL
WHISKEY POURER.

TOYS, NOVELTIES,

IT'S GARBAGE. CRAP.
HORSE SHIT!

NO MORE. WE'LL NEVER
BUY ANOTHER THING.

WHY DID I GIVE THEM
22 YEARS OF MY LIFE?

WHAT FOR? A MUSICAL
WHISKEY POURER?

IT'S MY LIFE'S BEEN THAT'S
POURED DOWN THE DRAIN.

WHERE'S THE MUSIC?

WHERE'S A CUTE
LITTLE TUNE?

THEY KICK YOU OUT
AT THE END OF 22 YEARS,

THEY OUGHT TO HAVE
A GODDAMN BRASS BAND.

DON'T GET UPSET.
YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURSELF SICK.

YOU KNOW WHERE MY MUSIC IS?
THERE. THERE IT IS!

IT'S PLAYING ON
THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT WALL!

[CRACK]

AND IT--

THERE'S MY MUSIC
AT THE END OF TWEN--

[GASPING]

WHAT IS IT?

WHAT'S
THE MATTER?

PAINS IN MY CHEST.
DON'T WORRY.

IT'S NOTHIN'.
IT'S NOT A HEART ATTACK.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHY DO YOU SAY
IT'S NOT A HEART ATTACK?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT
A HEART ATTACK,

IT'S PAINS
IN MY CHEST.

WHY ARE YOU HAVING PAINS
IN YOUR CHEST?

BECAUSE I DON'T
HAVE A JOB.

BECAUSE I DON'T
HAVE A SUIT TO WEAR.

BECAUSE I'M HAVING
A GODDAMN BREAKDOWN.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE
ME A DECENT PAIR OF PAJAMAS.

BASTARDS. YOU BASTARDS!

YOU DIRTY ROTTEN
BASTARDS!

Man: SHUT UP
DOWN THERE!

WE GOT CHILDREN
UP HERE.

DON'T YELL AT ME. THEY TOOK
EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING!

LEFT ME WITH A GODDAMN PAIR
OF KHAKI PANTS AND A GOLF HAT!

THERE ARE CHILDREN
UP HERE.

ARE YOU DRUNK
OR SOMETHING?

DRUNK? DRUNK ON WHAT?
THEY TOOK THE LIQUOR.

YOU WORRIED ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN?
LOCK 'EM IN A CLOSET.

BUT DON'T TELL ME
YOU GOT CHILDREN UP THERE.

DON'T YOU HAVE
ANY RESPECT

FOR ANYBODY ELSE?

RESPECT?
YES, I'VE GOT RESPECT--

FOR MY ASS!

THAT'S WHAT
I GOT RESPECT FOR.

IT'S ALL
ANYBODY RESPECTS.

RESPECT MY ASS!

OH, MY GOD, MEL.

OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S A TERRIBLE
THING TO DO.

THAT IS A MEAN,
TERRIBLE THING TO DO.

GOD WILL PUNISH YOU
FOR THAT.

I APOLOGIZE
FOR MY HUSBAND'S LANGUAGE,

BUT GOD WILL PUNISH YOU
FOR THAT!

IT'S ALL RIGHT, MEL.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, BABY.

TERRIBLE THING TO DO
TO A PERSON.

I WOULDN'T DO THAT
TO ANYONE.

NEVER.
YOU'RE TOO GOOD.

YOU'RE
TOO DECENT.

IT'S GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT.

I PROMISE.

YOU'LL FIND
ANOTHER JOB.

YOU'LL SEE.

YOU KNOW WHAT
WE COULD DO, MEL?

YOU'RE SO GOOD
WITH KIDS.

I MEAN, YOU LOVE
BEING AROUND THEM.

WE COULD START
A SUMMER CAMP,

AND YOU COULD BE
THE HEAD OF THE CAMP,

AND I WOULD
DO THE COOKING,

AND THE GIRLS COULD BE
THE SWIMMING INSTRUCTORS

AND THE RIDING INSTRUCTORS.

YOU'D LIKE THAT,
WOULDN'T YOU, MEL?

ALL WE'D HAVE TO DO
IS JUST SAVE SOME MONEY.

EVEN IF YOU DON'T GET
ANOTHER JOB RIGHT AWAY,

I CAN ALWAYS WORK.
I'M STRONG.

BUT YOU MUSTN'T
GET SICK.

YOU MUSTN'T GET
SICK AND DIE...

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LIVE
IN THIS WORLD WITHOUT YOU.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE
ME ALONE HERE, MEL.

I DON'T LIKE IT HERE.

WE'LL SHOW THEM.

WE'LL SHOW
THEM ALL.

WAYNE, THIS IS THE LADY
YOU WERE EXPECTING.

EDNA REALE?

OH, NO.
IT'S EDISON NOW.

EIDSON NOW.
I'M WAYNE MORGAN.
THANK YOU, JACK.

COOPERMAN TOLD ME

YOU WERE A HELL OF
A PRODUCTION ASSISTANT

IN YOUR DAY.

YEAH, IN MY DAY.
WELL, WHAT AM I IN FOR?

EASIEST JOB IN THE WORLD.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS GIVE UP YOUR HOME LIFE.

WILL YOU SIT HERE?
WE'RE HAVING A READING NOW.

WE'LL NEED
A BREAKDOWN TONIGHT.

TONIGHT?
SORRY.

THAT'S SHOW BIZ.

FINE, ED. FINE.

ED, UH...

I THOUGHT I'D TAKE YOU UP
ON THAT OFFER YOU MADE

TO HAVE LUNCH SOMETIME.

WELL, YOU ALWAYS SAID

YOU WISHED YOU HAD A MAN
LIKE ME WITH THE COMPANY.

HA HA.

AFTER THE 15th? SWELL.
I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL...

AFTER THE 15th. RIGHT.

HA HA HA.
YEAH, RIGHT. YEAH.

NAME, PLEASE?

EDISON. IT'S RIGHT THERE
ON THE CARD.

AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
UNEMPLOYED, MR. EDISON?

10 WEEKS NOW.

10 WEEKS, WAS THAT?

MONDAY--

MONDAY WILL MARK
THE 10th ANNIVERSARY

OF MY UNEMPLOYMENT.
HA HA.

AND HAVE YOU BEEN
LOOKING FOR EMPLOYMENT
IN THE PAST WEEK?

YES, I HAVE BEEN
LOOKING FOR EMPLOYMENT
IN THE PAST WEEK.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR EMPLOYMENT
FOR THE PAST 10 WEEKS.

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

HAVE YOU TURNED DOWN
ANY EMPLOYMENT?

HAVE I TURNED DOWN
ANY EMPLOYMENT?

NO, I HAVE NOT TURNED
DOWN ANY EMPLOYMENT.

WHY SHOULD I TURN DOWN
EMPLOYMENT?

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS--

IF I'M COMING HERE
EVERY WEEK,

WHY WOULD I TURN DOWN
EMPLOYMENT?

THAT'S WHY
I'M UNEMPLOYED,
FOR CHRIST'S--

THEN THE ANSWER IS NO.

RIGHT. YES--NO.
THAT'S THE ANSWER.

WRITE DOWN NO. NO.

22 OFF.
22 OFF.

18 OFF.
18 OFF.

12 ON.
12 ON.

MEL.

MEL, I'M HOME.

HI, LOVE.
HOW ARE YOU?

AH, WE NEED A SHAVE,
DON'T WE?

YOU MUST BE STARVED.

I JUST COULDN'T GET OUT
OF THE STUDIO BEFORE 8:00.

THEY'RE
STILL THERE WORKING.

I TOLD THEM
I JUST COULDN'T STAY.

AH, SHOOT.
I GOT US A CHEESE SOUFFL .

IT'LL ONLY TAKE
A COUPLE OF MINUTES

TO HEAT IT UP AGAIN.

I BROUGHT YOU
"SPORTS ILLUSTRATED."

MR. COOPERMAN SAID
THERE'S A TERRIFIC STORY

IN THERE
ABOUT THE KNICKS.

HE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
GET A KICK OUT OF IT.

HERE YOU ARE.

EVERYBODY'S
WORKING LIKE CRAZY,

HOPING WE CAN FINISH
THIS CHRISTMAS SHOW

BEFORE THE WEEKEND.

OTHERWISE,
WE MAY HAVE TO GO IN.

I'M JUST NOT GOING.

I MEAN, I SEE YOU
LITTLE ENOUGH AS IT IS.

[SIGHS] OH, BOY.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S THE FIRST FOOD
I'VE HAD SINCE YESTERDAY

THAT DIDN'T COME OUT
OF THE VENDING MACHINE.

COME ON, SIT DOWN.
HAVE DINNER AND TALK TO ME

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY
TO TALK WHEN I GET HOME.

I DON'T KNOW
HOW I'M DOING IT.

I MUST HAVE BEEN
SAVING THIS ENERGY UP

FOR THE PAST 22 YEARS.

HOW ARE YOU, SWEETHEART?
YOU FEELING ALL RIGHT?

WELL?

YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT?
HMM?

YOU DON'T FEEL
LIKE TALKING, HUH?

MMM...MMM.

AW, COME ON, MEL.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
SINCE BREAKFAST YESTERDAY,

AND I'M GONNA BE FAST ASLEEP
IN 15 MINUTES.

TALK TO ME.
WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?

I TOOK A WALK.

GOOD. WHERE?

FROM THE BEDROOM
INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

THAT'S ALL?

MM-MM. THEN I WALKED
BACK INTO THE BEDROOM.

ONCE I WENT
INTO THE KITCHEN

FOR A GLASS OF WATER.

I'D SAY THAT WAS
MY HIGH PEAK OF THE DAY.

OK, YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE
TALKING. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

NO, I FEEL LIKE TALKING.

YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT
THE REST OF MY MORNING?

I SAID
IT'S ALL RIGHT, MEL.

I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW
3 TIMES,

I LISTENED TO THE RADIO,

AND...I WENT
TO THE TOILET,

WHICH IS STILL FLUSHING.
BUT I DIDN'T JIGGLE IT

BECAUSE I KNOW
YOU LIKE TO DO THAT

WHEN YOU COME HOME.
HEH HEH HEH HEH.

I SEE YOU DIDN'T SLEEP WELL
AGAIN LAST NIGHT, DID YOU?

WAS LAST NIGHT THE NIGHT
BEFORE THIS MORNING?

I GET THEM ALL MIXED UP.
MY LIFE IS SO BUSY. AH.

I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME

YOU WERE GONNA TAKE A WALK
IN THE PARK THIS MORNING.

THERE'S NO PLACE
LEFT FOR ME TO WALK.

I KNOW EVERY PATH
AND BRIDGE AND STONE.

I KNOW EVERY
SQUIRREL IN THE PARK,

AND I KNOW WHERE THEY
ALL BURY THEIR NUTS.

LISTEN, MAYBE TOMORROW
I CAN SNEAK AN HOUR OFF,

AND WE CAN HAVE LUNCH
TOGETHER IN THE ZOO.

I'VE BEEN TO THE ZOO
EVERY DAY FOR 34 DAYS.

EVERY TIME I PASS
THE MONKEYS, THEY SAY,

"HE'S HERE AGAIN,
HE'S HERE AGAIN."

GIVE ME A FORK.

DID ANYONE CALL?

YOUR MOTHER.
WE EXCHANGED RECIPES.

ANYONE ELSE?

I'M NOT
A PHONE-ANSWERING
SERVICE.

YOU WANT ME TO ANSWER
THE PHONE, HIRE ME.

I COULD USE THE WORK.

HA HA.

I TAKE IT, THEN, THERE WAS
NOTHING IN THE PAPER TODAY.

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT A JOB!

WELL, CERTAINLY, EDNA.

THERE'S LOTS OF JOBS--

COOKS, DISHWASHERS,
MALE NURSES.

OH. DELTA AIR LINES IS
LOOKING FOR HOSTESSES,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE
AWAY FROM HOME THAT MUCH.

DON'T YOU AGREE?

DO YOU WANT ME
TO GIVE UP MY JOB?

WOULD YOU RATHER I JUST
HUNG AROUND THE HOUSE

WITH YOU ALL DAY?

I THINK THIS ARRANGEMENT
IS PERFECTLY FINE, EDNA.

YOU'VE BEEN
SO NICE TO ME--

PAY THE RENT,
BUY THE FOOD,

BOUGHT ME
A NEW SPORTS JACKET.

WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE NEXT YEAR,

YOU'LL TAKE ME TO HAWAII
FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY.

MEL, WHY DON'T YOU STOP
TORTURING YOURSELF?

I DON'T HAVE
TO TORTURE MYSELF.

I GOT A LOT OF HELP--

DOGS
AND FLUSHING TOILETS,

THE RED BARON'S
2 SISTERS IN THERE.

WHAT TIME WOULD YOU LIKE
BREAKFAST TOMORROW?

OH, MEL,
WILL YOU STOP IT?

IT'S NO PROBLEM, EDNA.
I MEAN, I'M UP,

I'VE GOT THE EGGS
HERE IN THE HOUSE,

AND I STEAL THE MILK
FROM THE PEOPLE NEXT DOOR.

AND IF I'M REAL QUICK,

I CAN GET THE
"NEW YORK TIMES," TOO.

WE'LL TALK WHEN YOU'RE
IN A BETTER MOOD.

I'M JUST TRYING
TO CONTRIBUTE, EDNA.

JUST TRYING
TO DO MY SHARE.

I DON'T KNOW.

Man: THIS IS CHARLES TRACKER
AND THE 8 A.M. NEWS.

"WE WILL NOT GO BACK
TO WORK"

WAS THE CRY OF 47 MUNICIPAL,

STATE,
AND FEDERAL JUDGES TODAY,

DEFYING THE COURT ORDER

OF FEDERAL JUDGE
MYRON ACKERMAN.

SPEAKING
FOR THE STRIKING JUDGES,

JUDGE MARIO PRECONA
TOLD THIS

TO CBS REPORTER
BETHESDA WAYNE.

Precona: WE WILL NOT
GO BACK TO WORK,

AND WE AIN'T WORKING TILL
THIS THING GETS SETTLED.

I'LL GET SOME COFFEE
DOWN AT THE OFFICE.

I'LL TRY TO BE HOME
EARLY FOR DINNER.

DON'T WORK
TOO HARD, DEAR.

LEAVE ME SOME QUARTERS
FOR THE LAUNDROMAT.

I'VE GOT SO MUCH WASH
TO DO TODAY.

PLEASE, LET'S NOT START
THE DAY OUT LIKE THIS.

LISTEN, HERE'S
SOMETHING INTERESTING--

"MAURICE LE PEW
IN QUEENS."

HE WANTS A HAIR STYLIST.

MAYBE I'LL PRACTICE
ON YOU TONIGHT,

AND IF YOU DON'T GO BALD,
I'LL CALL HIM TOMORROW, HUH?

MEL, YOU KNOW WHAT
I WOULD SUGGEST?

WHAT WOULD YOU
SUGGEST, EDNA?

I'D SUGGEST
YOU EITHER GET

A VERY TIGHT GRIP
ON YOURSELF

OR YOU FIND SOMEBODY
TO HELP YOU.

OH, I DON'T NEED ANY HELP.
I'M RETIRED.

I GOT IT MADE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN--
MEDICAL HELP, A DOCTOR.

SOME DOCTOR
WHO CAN TALK TO YOU

AND STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT,

BECAUSE I'M RUNNING OUT
OF ENERGY AND PATIENCE.

YOU SEEM TO HAVE ENOUGH
FOR MR. COOPERMAN!

AND WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT JUST MEANS YOU SEEM
TO HAVE ENOUGH PATIENCE

AND ENERGY
FOR MR. COOPERMAN.

THERE ARE LOTS OF LAUGHS

DOWN AT THE OFFICE,
RIGHT? HA HA HA.

LA-DE-DA-DE-DA.

LISTEN, I KNOW
WHAT GOES ON DOWN THERE.

I USED TO BE
ONE OF THE BOYS, TOO.

OH, YEAH? WELL, I AM NOT
ONE OF THE GIRLS.

YEAH? HOW COME YOU GET HOME
AT 7:00 OR 8:00 AT NIGHT

WHEN EVERYBODY KNOWS

THAT NO ONE WORKS
PAST 5:00 ANYMORE?

I WORK PAST 5:00.

WHERE,
AT CHARLEY O'S BAR?

I UNDERSTAND. JUST
A LITTLE DRINK TO UNWIND

BEFORE COMING HOME
TO FACE THE LITTLE MAN.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

YOU USED TO
BELIEVE IT

WHEN I CAME HOME
AT 7:00. HA HA.

MEL, I THINK WE BETTER HAVE
A LONG TALK TONIGHT...

A LONG,
SERIOUS TALK.

HMM. MY BEGONIAS ARE
COMING UP BEAUTIFULLY.

THAT'S BECAUSE
DADDY'S HERE

TO TAKE SUCH NICE CARE
OF THEM.

YEAH, GENTLY, GENTLY.

[SIGHS]

GENTLY, GENTLY.

YEAH. COMING
BACK TO ME.

HELP YOU, MR. EDISON?

DON'T TOUCH IT.

COME HERE.

COME ON NOW.

HERE, HERE.

YOU KNOW THE GUY
IN 15-B?

15-B?

15-B. THE FLOOR
RIGHT ABOVE ME.

ABOVE YOU?
OH, MR. JACOBY?

JACOBY! SHH.

WHAT TIME DOES HE
GET HOME FROM WORK?

ABOUT 6:00.

ABOUT OR EXACTLY?

WELL, USUALLY
ABOUT 6:00.

ABOUT 6:00.
WHY?

NOTHING, NOTHING.

IT'S PERFECT,
PERFECT.

WANT ME TO GIVE
A MESSAGE?

NO, NO. I'LL GIVE
HIM THE MESSAGE.

[LAUGHS] I GOT
MY OWN MESSAGE.

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

WHOO-HOO.

HA HA HA HA!

[WHISTLES]

AAH!

LOOK, MISTER,
I'M VERY TIRED.

WOULD YOU FIND TRYING YOUR
PERVERSIONS ON SOMEONE ELSE?

HA HA HA HA.

[TAP TAP]

WHAT'S FUNNY?

NOTHING.

NOTHING'S FUNNY.

THEN WHY
ARE YOU LAUGHING?

PRIVATE JOKE, HMM?

YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO TELL ME, MEL?

I COULD USE
A GOOD LAUGH.

WHEN THE TIME
COMES, EDNA.

WHEN THE TIME COMES.

MEL, YOU'RE
STARING AT ME.

WELL, I'M SORRY. HA!

WHAT IS IT?

AM I ALLOWED
TO TURN BACK NOW?

YES, YOU MAY TURN BACK.

WHAT WAS
YOUR QUESTION, EDNA?

THE QUESTION IS THE SAME
THAT IT IS EVERY NIGHT,

EVERY MEAL, EVERY TIME
WE'RE TOGETHER--

WHAT'S WRONG?

DO YOU FEEL THAT
SOMETHING IS WRONG?

YES. I THINK YOU'RE
MISERABLE AND TORMENTED

BECAUSE YOU'RE OUT OF WORK.
THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT?

ONLY PART OF IT, EDNA.
ONLY PART OF IT.

NOW, YOU TELL ME,
WHY DO YOU THINK

I'M OUT OF WORK?

WHY? I DON'T KNOW WHY.

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FIND
A DECENT JOB. THAT'S WHY.

THAT'S WHY? THAT'S WHY?

YOU HAVEN'T
THE SLIGHTEST INKLING

OF WHAT'S REALLY
GOING ON, DO YOU?

YOU ARE SO NAIVE,
IT'S RIDICULOUS.

MEL, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

YOU HAVE NO SUSPICION
OF THE TRUTH, DO YOU?

NONE AT ALL.

WELL, WHAT TRUTH
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M TALKING
ABOUT THE PLOT, EDNA.

THE PLOT.

WHAT PLOT, MEL?

"WHAT PLOT, MEL"?

WHAT PLOT--I'M TALKING
ABOUT THE PLOT,

AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS,
"WHAT PLOT, MEL?"

OH-OH-OH.

LOOK, YOU MENTION
THERE'S A PLOT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT PLOT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,

SO ALL I CAN THINK OF SAYING
IS, "WHAT PLOT, MEL?"

"WHAT PLOT, MEL?"
THERE WE--JESUS.

WHAT PLOT? WHAT PLOT?

A SOCIAL, ECONOMIC,
AND POLITICAL PLOT

TO UNDERMINE THE WORKING
CLASSES OF THIS COUNTRY.

OH, THAT PLOT.

YES, THAT PLOT.

OHH.

YOU KNOW, INSTEAD OF RUSHING
DOWNTOWN EVERY MORNING,

STAY HOME,
LISTEN TO THE RADIO,

FIND OUT
WHAT'S GOING ON.

LISTEN
TO THE TALK SHOWS,

AND YOU WILL FIND OUT

WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THIS COUNTRY.

WELL, WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THIS COUNTRY?

IF YOU DON'T KNOW,
I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.

MEL, I'M YOUR WIFE.
YOU CAN TELL ME.

IF YOU'RE TOO LAZY
AND TOO IGNORANT

AND TOO UNINFORMED
TO FIND OUT

WHAT REALLY IS GOING
ON IN THIS COUNTRY,

THEN YOU DESERVE

EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE GOING TO GET,

ALL OF YOU.

MEL, WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME CARAMEL CUSTARD?

EDNA, COME HERE.

NOW, I'M GOING
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING,

AND IT MAY FRIGHTEN YOU.

SIT DOWN.

NOT HERE!

IN THERE.

AWAY FROM THE WALL.

NOW, THERE IS A PLOT
GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY--

VERY COMPLICATED,
VERY SOPHISTICATED.

IT'S PRACTICALLY
INVISIBLE,

AND MAYBE ONLY
A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE

IN THIS WHOLE COUNTRY
KNOW ABOUT IT.

AND THEY TOLD IT
ON THE RADIO?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

THEN EVERYONE
HEARD IT, MEL.

WELL,
DID YOU HEAR IT?
NO.

WELL, THEN MAYBE EVERYBODY
DIDN'T HEAR IT.

WHO IN THE HELL
IS LISTENING TO A RADIO

AT 10:00
IN THE MORNING?

THEY'RE ALL WORKING.
BUT I HEARD IT,

AND AS SURE AS
YOU ARE SITTING HERE

IN THE MIDDLE
OF THIS ROOM,

THERE IS A PLOT
GOING ON

IN THIS COUNTRY TODAY.

AGAINST WHOM?

AGAINST ME.

OH, MEL.
THE WHOLE COUNTRY?

WELL, NOT AGAINST
ME PERSONALLY,

BUT THEY'RE AFTER YOU,
THEY'RE AFTER OUR KIDS,

MY FAMILY--THEY'RE AFTER
EVERY ONE OF OUR FRIENDS.

THEY'RE AFTER THE COPS,
AFTER THE HIPPIES,

AFTER THE GOVERNMENT,
THE WOMEN'S LIB,

THE BLACKS, THE FAGS,
THE WHOLE MILITARY COMPLEX.

THAT'S WHO THEY'RE
AFTER--AND EVEN MORE.

WHO, MEL?
YOU MENTIONED EVERYBODY.

THERE'S NO ONE LEFT.

THERE'S SOMEONE LEFT.

OH, BABY, THERE'S
SOMEONE LEFT, ALL RIGHT.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME

TO GIVE YOU ACTUAL
INDISPUTABLE PROOF

THAT 6.7% OF THE WORKING
CLASS OF THIS COUNTRY

IS UNEMPLOYED NOT
BECAUSE OF A RECESSION,

NOT BECAUSE OF WAGES
AND HIGH PRICES,

BUT BECAUSE
OF A WELL-ORGANIZED,
CALCULATED,

BRILLIANTLY
CONCEIVED PLOT?

WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO GIVE YOU PROOF

RIGHT HERE AND NOW
IN THIS ROOM?

OK.

I CAN'T GIVE YOU
ANY PROOF!

WHAT THE HELL PROOF
HAVE I GOT?

BUT I CAN'T WORK.
THAT'S MY PROOF.

THEY WILL NOT
LET ME WORK.

[SIGHS]

MEL, WHO'S BEHIND
THE PLOT?

IS IT THE KIDS?
THE ADDICTS?

THE ARMY? THE NAVY?

THE BOOK-
OF-THE-MONTH CLUB?

WHO THE HELL
IS IT?

IT IS THE HUMAN RACE,

THE DETERIORATION
OF THE SPIRIT OF MAN,

MAN UNDERMINING HIMSELF,

CAUSING A SELF-WILLED,
SELF-IMPOSED,

SELF-EVIDENT
SELF-DESTRUCTION.

THAT'S WHO IT IS.

THE HUMAN RACE, MEL?

YES.

THE HUMAN RACE

IS RESPONSIBLE
FOR THE UNEMPLOYMENT?

YOU'RE SURPRISED,
AREN'T YOU?

I NEVER
WOULD HAVE GUESSED.

ALL THE TIME,

I KEPT THINKING IT
WAS SOMEBODY ELSE.

DON'T MOCK ME! OH, DAMN IT,
DON'T DO THAT TO ME!

DON'T PATRONIZE ME
AND DON'T MOCK ME!

I WASN'T
MOCKING YOU, MEL.

OH, MY GOD. YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND THE FIRST THING

THAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
TO BE IN MY PLACE.

YOU HAVE NEVER KNOWN
WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO STAND
IN AN UNEMPLOYMENT LINE.

YOU'VE NEVER WALKED
INTO YOUR OWN BUILDING

AND HAD AN IDIOT
MIDDLE-AGED DOORMAN

WITH BEER ON HIS BREATH
AND A LOOSE PLATE

GIGGLING AT YOU
BECAUSE HE'S WORKING.

YOU'VE NEVER STOOD
ON YOUR OWN TERRACE

AND BEEN HIT
IN THE HEAD

WITH A BUCKET OF
ICE-COLD WATER--NEVER.

AND I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN
THAT SON OF A BITCH!

I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN YOU,
YOU SON OF A BITCH!

MEL.

MEL,
LISTEN TO ME--

HE THINKS THAT I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.

I KNOW WHAT
HE LOOKS LIKE.

I WANT YOU TO SEE A DOCTOR.
I WANT YOU TO SEE A DOCTOR.

HELL, I KNOW
WHAT THEY ALL LOOK LIKE.

I'VE GOT THEIR FACES
ENGRAVED IN MY BRAIN.

SOMEONE GAVE ME
THE NAME OF A DOCTOR.

THEY SAY
HE'S VERY GOOD

AND KNOWS ABOUT PEOPLE
WHO ARE GOING THROUGH

EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.

I GO TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING, EDNA.

YOU KNOW, THEY CAN TAKE
YOUR CLOTHES...

I'M GOING TO
CALL HIM RIGHT NOW.

THEY CAN TAKE
YOUR CLOTHES,

THEY CAN TAKE
YOUR CHIVAS REGAL,

YOUR TELEVISION,
YOUR JOB,

BUT THEY CAN'T
TAKE YOUR BRAINS,

AND THAT'S MY SECRET
WEAPON--MY BRAINS.

AND THE SNOW, THE SNOW.

GOD, I PRAY
THAT IT SNOWS TOMORROW.

I BOUGHT A SNOW SHOVEL,
EDNA. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

I'M GOING TO TAKE
THE DAY OFF.

I'LL TAKE YOU THERE
MYSELF.

HELLO, THIS IS
MRS. EDNA--

AAH!

ONE OF THOSE
GREAT BIG SHOVELS

YOU KNOW, THE KIND
THEY USE AT AIRPORTS.

HA HA HA!

OH, I'LL GO WITHOUT
MY SHOES THIS WINTER,

BUT I'M NOT GOING
WITHOUT MY SHOVEL.

I'LL BURY HIM SO DEEP,

THEY'LL HAVE
TO SALT HIM OUT.

OH.

[WHIMPERING]

I CHECKED
WITH THE DOORMAN.

I GAVE HIM A $5.00 TIP.
IT WAS WORTH IT.

HA! I KNOW WHAT TIME
YOU GET HOME, YOU MOTHER!

HEY! TRY USING
THE SERVICE ENTRANCE!

I GOT THAT
BLOCKED OFF, TOO.

PLEASE, PLEASE
RIGHT AWAY.

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA,
ANY CONCEPTION OF THE IMPACT

OF 2 POUNDS OF WET,
SOLID, PACKED SNOW

FALLING FROM
14 FLOORS UP?

THEY'LL FIND HIM
IN THE BASEMENT.

IN THE GARAGE, BASTARD!

* AND I KNOW WHAT
YOU LOOK LIKE *

YES.

WELL, IT'S
VERY DIFFICULT

TO TALK ABOUT
ON THE PHONE.

NO, NO,
IT ISN'T FOR ME.

IT'S FOR MY...

IF IT DOESN'T SNOW
THIS WINTER,

THEN I WAIT
UNTIL NEXT WINTER,

'CAUSE I'M IN NO HURRY,
SMART ASS!

NO, NO.

NOTHING BUT TIME.

NO. NO, NOT WEDNESDAY!

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
DIDN'T YOU HEAR THAT GUY?

Roland: THIS IS THE NEWS
WITH DAN ROLAND.

IN A MIDTOWN HOTEL TODAY

FOLLOWING A CONVENTION

OF THE NATIONAL
PSYCHIATRIC SOCIETY,

17 OF
THE LEADING PSYCHIATRISTS

IN THE UNITED STATES

WERE TRAPPED
BETWEEN FLOORS

IN AN ELEVATOR
FOR OVER 45 MINUTES.

PANIC BROKE OUT,

AND 12 OF THE DOCTORS
WERE TREATED FOR HYSTERIA.

I HAD A DREAM
LAST NIGHT.

Man: YES?

AND IN THE DREAM,
I WAS IN BED,

BUT I COULDN'T SLEEP,
BUT I WAS SLEEPING.

YES.

ALL RIGHT, NOW,
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, WHAT DOES IT
MEAN TO YOU?

I DON'T KNOW. DOESN'T IT
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

IT'S MORE IMPORTANT TO KNOW
WHAT IT MEANS TO YOU.

OH, YEAH.
I'M NOT SURE,

BUT I REMEMBER, YOU KNOW,
WHEN I WAS A KID,

I USED TO SLEEP
WITH MY BROTHER HARRY

WHEN I WAS LIKE 7 OR 8.

ONE NIGHT, I WOKE UP.

I LOOKED OVER
AT MY BROTHER HARRY,

AND IT SUDDENLY
OCCURRED TO ME--

[ALARM SOUNDS]

SORRY,
YOUR TIME IS UP.

JESUS!

Kelting: THIS IS ROGER KELTING
AND THE 1:00 NEWS.

A POLISH FREIGHTER,

THE 6,000-TON MAJORSKY,

SAILED INTO NEW YORK HARBOR
IN A DENSE FOG

AT 7:00 A.M.
THIS MORNING

AND CRASHED INTO
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.

2 SEAMEN WERE INJURED,

AND ELECTRICAL DAMAGE
CAUSED FLICKERING

IN MISS LIBERTY'S TORCH.

IT WAS THE FIRST
RECORDED MARITIME ACCIDENT

INVOLVING
THE FAMED STATUE,

ALTHOUGH
THE POLISH FREIGHTER

HAD BEEN IN 6
PREVIOUS SEA COLLISIONS.

IT'S 20 TO 2:00. CAN WE
TALK BUSINESS, PLEASE?

I GOT TO GET BACK
TO WORK.

EDNA'S WAITING FOR US
AT THE APARTMENT.

CAN WE SETTLE THIS THING
QUICKLY?

NOW, WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT WHAT?
ABOUT THE SUEZ CANAL.

WHAT ARE WE HERE FOR?

WHAT DID PEARL COME ALL
THE WAY FROM LAKEWOOD FOR?

OUR BROTHER--
OUR SICK BROTHER

WHO HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN,
FOR GOD'S SAKES.

EVERY TIME
I HEAR IT...

WHAT ARE YOU
CRYING FOR NOW?

YOU DIDN'T JUST HEAR.
YOU'VE KNOWN IT FOR A WEEK.

HARRY, LET HER CRY
IF SHE WANTS.

SHE CAME ALL THE WAY
FROM LAKEWOOD.

ALL RIGHT,
LET'S FACE THE FACTS--

MEL NEEDS HELP.

WHO ELSE WOULD HE GO TO
BUT HIS OWN FAMILY?

YOU'RE RIGHT,
HARRY. WHO ELSE?

ALL RIGHT, NOW,
THIS IS MY SUGGESTION--

WE MAKE MEL A LOAN.

WE ALL CHIP IN "X" NUMBER
OF DOLLARS A WEEK.

HE GETS A JOB AGAIN,
THEN HE CAN PAY US BACK.

NOW, THAT'S MY SUGGESTION.
WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK?

HOW MUCH IS
"X" NUMBER OF DOLLARS?

"X"...

"X" IS "X."

IS "X."

I MEAN IS IT A BIG" X"
OR A LITTLE "X"?

WELL, IT'S NOT EVEN AN "X."
IT'S A BLANK

UNTIL WE FILL IN "X"
WITH A FIGURE.

THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S A BLANK.

I'M NOT COMPLAINING.
WE HAVE TO DO THE RIGHT THING,

BUT WHEN YOU
SAY IT LIKE THAT,

"X" NUMBER OF DOLLARS,

IT SOUNDS LIKE
A LOT OF MONEY.

I HAVE LIMITED CAPITAL,
YOU KNOW.

PEARL, DO YOU HAVE
UNLIMITED CAPITAL?

I WISH I DID.

I'D GIVE MEL "X" NUMBER
OF DOLLARS IN A MINUTE.

FORGET "X."

FORGET
I EVER MENTIONED "X."

THE BIGGEST EXPENSE

IS GOING TO BE THE DOCTOR,
AM I RIGHT?

YOU MEAN
THE FANCY PSYCHIATRIST.

I'M BEGINNING TO SEE WHAT
"X" IS GOING TO COME TO.

MAYBE IT'S NOT EVEN
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

DOCTORS
CAN BE WRONG, TOO.

THEY TOOK OUT
ALL MY TOP TEETH,

THEN FOUND OUT IT
WAS KIDNEY STONES.

CORRECT ME
IF I'M WRONG,

BUT WHEN MEL
WAS A TINY BABY,

DIDN'T YOU THINK
HIS HEAD

WAS TOO LARGE
FOR HIS BODY?

MEL...

MEL HAD
A BEAUTIFUL HEAD.

I'M NOT SAYING HIS HEAD
WASN'T BEAUTIFUL.

I'M SAYING IT WAS
TOO LARGE FOR HIS BODY.

IT ALWAYS KEPT
FALLING OVER TO ONE SIDE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT I'M LISTENING TO.

YOU'RE 113 YEARS OLD
BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU,

AND NEITHER ONE OF YOU
MAKES ANY SENSE.

LET'S GO TO EDNA'S,
PLEASE!

WE'VE GOT TO GET THIS THING
SETTLED BEFORE WE GO UP.

WE'VE ALL GOT TO AGREE--

NOW,
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

IS THAT MEL GETS WELL,
AGREED?

AGREED.
AGREED.

THAT THE ONLY WAY
HE'S GOING TO GET WELL

IS THAT HE DOESN'T
WORRY ABOUT

PAYING THE DOCTOR BILLS,
AGREED?

AGREED.
AGREED.

AND THAT WE'RE GOING TO SEE
THIS THING TO THE END

IF IT TAKES US
A WEEK OR A MONTH

OR A YEAR OR EVEN
5 YEARS. AGREED?

[ELEVATOR DOOR
OPENS]

OK, WE GOT
A DISAGREEMENT.

NOW, EDNA DEAR...

WE KNOW IT'S GOING
TO TAKE TIME,

AND WE KNOW IT'S
GOING TO TAKE MONEY,

AND THAT'S
WHY WE'RE HERE.

AND I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOUR COMING.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. YOU JUST
TELL US HOW MUCH

YOU THINK THE BILLS
ARE GOING TO COME TO.

THAT'S VERY GENEROUS
OF YOU ALL,

BUT I COULDN'T
LET YOU DO THAT.

MEL WOULDN'T
LET ME DO IT.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO
GET THE MONEY FROM, A BANK?

YOU CAN'T PUT UP A NERVOUS
BREAKDOWN AS COLLATERAL.

HA HA.

BUT I HAVE NO IDEA

HOW LONG MEL WILL BE
IN TREATMENT.

I MEAN, IT MAY RUN
AS HIGH AS $20,000, $25,000.

HARRY, CAN I SAY SOMETHING
TO YOU IN PRIVATE?

WE DON'T NEED ANY
PRIVATE DISCUSSIONS.

WE JUST FOUND OUT
WHAT "X" IS.

NOW, LOOK,
YOU AND PEARL CAN PUT UP

WHATEVER YOU THINK
YOU CAN AFFORD.

I'LL MAKE UP THE DEFICIT.
IF IT'S 15,000

IF IT'S 20,000
IF IT'S 25,000,

I'LL SEE THAT
IT'S TAKEN CARE OF

AS LONG AS MEL GETS
THE BEST MEDICAL TREATMENT.

THAT'S ALL
I'M GOING TO SAY.

I'M SPEECHLESS.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.

NOTHING.
YOU DON'T SAY NOTHING.

WE JUST WANT TO DO
THE RIGHT THING.

I KNOW NONE OF US
HAVE BEEN VERY CLOSE

OVER THE LAST
FEW YEARS--

9--9 YEARS WAS
THE LAST TIME WE WERE INVITED.

OH. HAS IT BEEN
THAT LONG?

9.

WELL, I SUPPOSE
IT'S BEEN MY FAULT.

ANYWAY, I APPRECIATE THIS
MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE,

BUT WE REALLY
DON'T NEED IT.

OF COURSE YOU NEED IT.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

NO. OVER THE YEARS, WE'VE
MANAGED TO SAVE SOMETHING,

AND I HAVE
SOME JEWELRY I CAN SELL.

NOW, YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO SELL YOUR JEWELRY.

MAYBE SHE DOESN'T
WEAR IT ANYMORE.

LET THE WOMAN TALK.

MEL CAN CASH IN
HIS INSURANCE POLICY,

AND I HAVE MY JOB.

I CAN MANAGE

WHATEVER THE MEDICAL
EXPENSES COME TO.

BUT IF YOU REALLY
WANT TO HELP,

WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT
IS MEL'S FUTURE.

WE ALL ARE,
DARLING.

IT ISN'T EASY
FOR A MAN OF MEL'S AGE

TO GET A JOB--I MEAN,
TO START ALL OVER AGAIN.

IF HE KNEW LIGHTING FIXTURES,
I'D TAKE HIM IN IN A MINUTE.

CERTAINLY.
MY GOD.

IF HE COULD JUST
GET OUT OF NEW YORK

AND MOVE TO THE COUNTRY
SOMEWHERE,

HE'D BE 100% BETTER OFF.

I AGREE WITH YOU
1,000%.

WHAT I WAS THINKING OF
WAS A SUMMER CAMP.

MEL IS SO WONDERFUL
WITH KIDS AND SPORTS.

THERE'S A LOVELY PLACE
IN VERMONT THAT'S FOR SALE.

WE COULD HAVE IT
FOR NEXT SUMMER.

DON'T YOU THINK MEL
WOULD BE BETTER OFF THERE?

AGAIN, 1,000%.

OH!

THEY WANT $25,000 DOWN,

SO INSTEAD OF GIVING IT
TO US FOR THE DOCTOR,

WILL YOU LEND IT TO US
FOR THE CAMP?

$25,000
FOR A SUMMER CAMP?

THE PRICE IS 100,000.

100,000?

$100,000
FOR A SUMMER CAMP?

RUN BY A MAN THAT FAR AWAY
FROM A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN?

IT'LL TAKE HIM TILL AUGUST
TO FIGURE OUT

HOW TO BLOW UP
THE VOLLEYBALL!

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
TO DO SOMETHING.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
TO HELP HIM.

WE DO WANT TO HELP HIM.

THEN HELP HIM!

NOT WHEN HE'S SICK.

WHEN HE'S BETTER,
WE'LL HELP HIM.

IS THAT HOW THE REST
OF YOU FEEL?

DO YOU BOTH AGREE
WITH HARRY?

I'M NOT FAMILIAR
WITH VERMONT.

I'D HAVE TO GO UP
AND SEE IT FIRST,

BUT I CAN'T TRAVEL
WITH MY LEG.

ALL RIGHT, FORGET IT.

FORGET THE MONEY.
WE DON'T NEED IT.

WE'LL DO WITHOUT IT
VERY NICELY, THANK YOU.

I'M SURPRISED
YOU EVEN OFFERED IT.

IT'S GOOD TO KNOW
THAT THE MINUTE MEL

IS COMPLETELY RECOVERED

AND BACK ON HIS OWN
2 STRONG FEET

THAT I CAN COUNT
ON YOU FOR HELP!

THAT'S JUST WHEN
WE'LL NEED IT!

PLEASE EXCUSE ME. I HAVE
TO GET BACK TO THE OFFICE.

AND JUST IN CASE
I DON'T SEE ANY OF YOU

FOR ANOTHER 9 YEARS,

I'LL GET YOU
SOME HOMEMADE COOKIES!

MEL MADE THEM.

HELLO, DARLING.

HOW DID IT GO?

FINE, FINE. WE HAD
A GOOD SESSION TODAY.

COULD I HAVE A GLASS
OF WATER, SWEETHEART?

MY MOUTH IS VERY DRY
FROM THE PILLS.

OF COURSE. SIT DOWN.
DID YOU WALK HOME?

I WALKED HOME. I HAD
A NICE WALK. HELLO, HARRY.

HELLO, MEL.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

MY MOUTH'S A LITTLE DRY.

I'M UNDER SEDATION.

IT CALMS ME DOWN.
I FEEL FINE.

GOOD, GOOD!

LOOK WHO'S HERE, MEL--
PEARL AND PAULINE.

MM-HMM.

HELLO, DARLING.

MEH.

MEH.

HOW ARE YOU, BABY?

MY MOUTH'S A LITTLE DRY.
I'M UNDER SEDATION.

IT QUIETS ME DOWN.
I FEEL FINE.

CERTAINLY.

OF COURSE, DEAR.

[CHOKING BACK SOBS]
YOU LOOK WONDERFUL, MEL.

I WALKED HOME.
OH, I HAD A NICE WALK.

MY MOUTH'S A LITTLE DRY
FROM THE PILLS.

EDNA'S GETTING YOU
WATER, DEAR.

HERE YOU ARE,
DARLING.

OH!

Harry:
MEL?

YES, HARRY.

MEL...

HARRY WANTS TO SAY
SOMETHING TO YOU, MEL.

WHAT IS IT, HARRY?

NOTHING, MEL.

NOTHING.

OH. YOU ALL
SEEM WORRIED.

IS SOMEONE
IN THE FAMILY SICK?

YOU DON'T LOOK WELL
TO ME, HAR--

YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD!

OH, DON'T WORK
TOO HARD, HARRY.

I WON'T.

YOU HAVE TO RELAX.

3 THINGS I FOUND OUT
AT THE DOCTOR'S--

YOU HAVE TO RELAX,

YOU MUSTN'T TAKE THE WORLD
TOO SERIOUSLY,

AND YOU HAVE TO BE
VERY CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY

WHEN YOU GO OUT
ON THE TERRACE.

Man: THIS IS THE 4:00 NEWS.

POLICE TODAY WERE BAFFLED
BY AN UNUSUAL INCIDENT

THAT TOOK PLACE
IN CENTRAL PARK.

DURING THE NIGHT, A PERSON
OR PERSONS UNKNOWN

TOOK A LAWNMOWER
OUT TO SHEEP'S MEADOW

AND MOWED OBSCENE WORDS
INTO THE GRASS.

UNTIL THE PARKS DEPARTMENT
DECIDES TO RESEED THE MEADOW

OR CUT THE REST
OF THE GRASS,

THE AREA WILL BE ROPED OFF
TO CHILDREN UNDER 17.

[SIGHS]

GOD...

YES?

OH, GOD.

OH, I'M GOING TO GET
THAT GUY JACOBY.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE
AND WHEN HE COMES IN.

AS SOON AS WE GET
THE FIRST SNOW,

I'M GOING
TO TAKE MY SHOVEL

FILL IT
WITH HARD, WET SNOW

AND DROP IT ALL 14 FLOORS
RIGHT ON HIS HEAD--

CREASE
HIS FRIGGIN' SKULL.

GOD...

YOU SAID THAT.

FOR $50 AN HOUR,
I'LL SAY WHAT I WANT, HUH?

A LITTLE HOSTILE
TODAY, AREN'T WE?

NO, NOT A LITTLE,
A LOT--VERY HOSTILE.

I MAY TEAR YOUR COUCH UP.
PUT IT ON MY BILL.

YOU WANT TO TALK
ABOUT IT?

NO, I DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT IT.

I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT
FOR 3 MONTHS!

AND ALL YOU EVER DO
IS SIT THERE

CLEANING
THAT STINKING PIPE.

YOU NEVER SAY A WORD.

MY WIFE'S OUT
BREAKING HER BACK

TRYING TO PAY
FOR IT ALL.

YOU OUGHT TO SEE
WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE

WHEN SHE GETS HOME
AT NIGHT.

SHE'S TURNING HERSELF
INTO AN OLD WOMAN

JUST FOR ME.

BY THE TIME I GET BETTER,
I'LL BE TOO YOUNG FOR HER.

HA HA HA HA.
THAT'S FUNNY.

HA HA HA. DON'T YOU
THINK THAT'S FUNNY?

I DO SEE SOME HUMOR
TO IT, YES.

YOU DO?
YES, I DO.

WELL, THEN
IT COULDN'T BE FUNNY.

YOU GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR
LIKE MY BROTHER.

HE LAUGHS AT
THE FARMER'S ALMANAC.

YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR
BROTHER. DON'T YOU LIKE HIM?

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF
A QUESTION IS THAT?

OF COURSE I LIKE HIM.
I LOVE HIM.

HE'S DONE
EVERYTHING FOR--

WHY DO YOU BRING UP
MY GODDAMN BROTHER?

WHY "GODDAMN BROTHER"
IF YOU LIKE HIM?

BECAUSE I DON'T ALWAYS
LIKE HIM, THAT'S WHY.

HE CAN BE THE DULLEST
SON OF A BITCH ON 2 FEET.

YOU THINK HE'D EVER
PLAY WITH ME AS A KID?

YOU KNOW, BE MY PAL
OR MY BUDDY?

HELL, NO.
ALL HE EVER DID

WAS COMPLAIN
ABOUT MY REPORT CARD--

"YOU GOT A "C," MEL.

"YOU GOT A "C" IN ENGLISH
YOU GOT A "C" IN HISTORY.

FORGOT
YOUR LUNCH PAIL, MEL."

HE WASN'T MY BROTHER.
HE WAS MY FATHER.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
MAYBE...

JESUS. MAYBE THAT'S
THE KEY TO OUR RELATIONSHIP.

YOU KNOW, THAT
I WAS TRYING TO PROVE

TO HARRY, MY FATHER,

HOW SUCCESSFUL I COULD BE
WITHOUT HIS HELP.

AND I NEVER FOUGHT
BACK TO HIM, NOT ONCE.

I NEVER FOUGHT BACK TO
ANYBODY IN THE WORLD,

AND THAT'S WHY
I'M HERE TODAY.

ISN'T THAT TRUE,
DOCTOR?

SORRY.
YOUR TIME IS UP.

JESUS!

Man: IN SPORTS TODAY,

THE NASSAU COLISEUM OPENED
ITS DOORS AND ITS HEART

WHEN IT ANNOUNCED
IT WILL HOUSE

A CHARITY BASKETBALL GAME

BETWEEN
THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS

AND A TEAM
MADE UP OF MEMBERS

OF THE GAY LIBERATION
MOVEMENT.

THE GAY LIBBERS,
IN A PREPARED STATEMENT,

SAID THEY DID NOT
EXPECT TO WIN,

SINCE THEIR TEAM IS YOUNG
AND HAVE ONLY BEEN

PLAYING WITH EACH OTHER
SINCE DECEMBER.

UNH!
OOF!

WATCH IT, WILL YA?

SORRY, MAN!
I DIDN'T SEE YOU.

YOU SAW ME. DON'T TELL ME
YOU DIDN'T SEE ME.

TELLS ME
HE DIDN'T SEE ME.

MY WALLET.

WHY, THAT DIRTY BASTARD
GOT MY WALLET.

HEY! SOMEBODY STOP HIM!
HE TOOK MY WALLET!

[PANTING]

HUNH!

YAAH!

HAND IT OVER!

HAND IT OVER!

ARE YOU CRAZY, MAN?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

THE WALLET!
GIVE ME THE WALLET!

I'M GOING TO BUST
YOUR HEAD IN, HUH?

I'VE TAKEN ALL I'M GOING
TO TAKE FROM YOU GUYS!

I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE
ANY--GIVE ME THE WALLET!

OK. HERE.

GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE.

GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE I WORK YOU OVER.

AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS

THAT I'M GOING TO GET
MY SUITS BACK, HUH?

AND MY BROWN SUEDE SHOES,
TOO. YOU TELL 'EM!

WHAT HAPPENED?

I'M GETTING TIRED
OF BEING SHOVED AROUND,

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

CURB YOUR DOG,
WILL YOU?

PEOPLE HAVE TO WALK
ON THESE STREETS.

THANKS FOR THE HELP, JOE.

OH, HELLO, MRS. EDISON.

IS MR. EDISON HOME?

I DIDN'T SEE HIM
COME IN.

OH, MRS. EDISON,
ELEVATOR'S OUT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OUT?

SOMETHING
WITH THE CABLES.

IT WON'T BE FIXED
UNTIL ABOUT 8:00.

YOU MEAN I GOT
TO WALK UP 14 FLOORS?

WATER'S OUT, TOO.

WHAT WATER?
MY WATER?

EVERYONE'S WATER. THEY'RE
WORKING ON THE PIPES NOW.

SHOULD BE BACK ON
ABOUT 7:00.

WELL, I'M DEDUCTING IT
FROM THE RENT.

YOU TELL
THE SUPERINTENDENT

THAT IF I HAVE TO TAKE
A BATH WITHOUT WATER,

I'M DEDUCTING IT
FROM THE RENT!

YOU OUGHT TO LIVE
WHERE I LIVE.

NEVER MIND!

[SOBBING]

HIYA, JOE.

HELLO, MR. EDISON.

MRS. EDISON
JUST WENT UP...

AH, GOOD.

AND THE ELEVATOR'S OUT.

YOU GOT TO WALK UP
UNLESS YOU WANT TO WAIT.

FOR THEM TO FIX IT?
MY LEASE WILL BE UP BY THEN.

WATER'S OUT, TOO.
NO WATER UNTIL TONIGHT.

I'LL PRAY FOR RAIN
ON THE WAY UP.

HA HA. HA HA.

[PANTING]

[UNLOCKING DOOR]

[OUT OF BREATH]
HEY, DID YOU...

[GASPING]

[COUGHING]

YOU KNOW I JUST
WALKED UP 14 FLIGHTS?

YOU SHOULD'VE CALLED ME.
I'D HAVE COME AND CARRIED YOU.

HEY, EDNA, LISTEN.

OH, PLEASE LISTEN,

BECAUSE I'VE GOT
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

YOU KNOW
THE WATER'S OFF?

THEY STOLE OUR WATER, MEL!
DID THEY TELL YOU?

I DID SOMETHING
TODAY, EDNA.

I DID SOMETHING
AFFIRMATIVE.

FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN 4 MONTHS,

I FOUGHT BACK!
I FOUGHT BACK.

OH, GOD DAMN IT, THEY
DIDN'T GET AWAY WITH IT

THIS TIME. OHH.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, MEL?

I WAS MUGGED. I WAS MUGGED,
RIGHT IN BROAD DAYLIGHT,

THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.
THEY GOT MY WALLET!

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING IN IT.

WHAT ABOUT MY PRIDE
AND MY DIGNITY?

I GOT MY SELF-RESPECT.

AND THEY DIDN'T GET
THE WALLET, EITHER.

I CHASED SOME PUNK
ALL OVER THE PARK

FOR ABOUT 4--HE WAS
A GOOD 20 YEARS YOUNGER

THAN ME, TOO--
BUT I GOT IT BACK.

GOT MY WALLET BACK.

SEE?

YOUR WALLET IS BROWN.

HUH?

YOUR WALLET IS BROWN.
THIS ONE'S BLACK.

YOU LEFT YOURS ON
THE DRESSER THIS MORNING.

THIS ISN'T
YOUR WALLET, MEL.

BY GOD,
I MUGGED A KID.

I MUGGED SOME POOR KID
IN THE STREET.

HOW MUCH DID WE GET?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY DID HE RUN?

YOU CHASED HIM,
DIDN'T YOU?

YOU'RE CHASED,
YOU RUN.

WAIT A MINUTE.
I GOT TO RETURN THAT, EDNA.

OH, NO! SOME OF THIS
BELONGS TO US!

THEY STOLE ENOUGH
FROM US!

EVERYONE IN THIS CITY HAS
GOT TO SHARE ITS LOSSES.

EDNA!
BUT NOT THAT WAY!

WAIT A MINUTE, EDNA.
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

EDNA, WILL YOU
BE REASONABLE?

DON'T YOU SEE
THE IMPORTANT THING?

IT'S NOT THE MONEY.
IT'S JUST THAT I GOT ANGRY.

I FOUGHT BACK.
I GOT MY STRENGTH BACK.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE STRONG
ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF US,

BECAUSE
I'M OUT OF WORK!

WE WENT
OUT OF BUSINESS TODAY.

WHO DID?
WE DID.

THE BUSINESS THAT I'M IN
WENT OUT OF BUSINESS!

THEY CANCELED THE SHOW.
THEY LOST 3 ACCOUNTS.

THEY WENT
OUT OF BUSINESS.

THERE IS NO BUSINESS
IN THAT PLACE ANYMORE.

THEY LET YOU GO?

WELL, IF
THEY'RE NOT STAYING,

WHAT DO THEY
NEED ME FOR?

OH, MEL.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?

IS THE WHOLE WORLD
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS?

IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW
A BIG BUSINESS LIKE THAT

COULD JUST GO
OUT OF BUSINESS.

I MEAN, IT WASN'T
A LITTLE CANDY STORE, MEL.

IT WAS A BIG BUSINESS
WITH DESKS AND CABINETS

AND BEAUTIFUL PICTURES
ON THE WALLS

OF HORSES AND DOGS.

EDNA, LOOK, IT'S JUST A JOB.
IT'S NOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I KEPT THINKING OF

ON THE WAY HOME?
ONE THING.

I ONLY HAD ONE THING
IN MY HEAD--A BATH.

A NICE, HOT BATH!

AND NOW THE WATER
WENT OUT OF BUSINESS!

IT'LL COME BACK ON.

I WANT MY BATH!
I WANT MY WATER!

YOU TELL THEM
I WANT MY BATH!

EDNA, IT'S OFF.
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?

YOU BANG ON THE PIPES!
BANG ON THE PIPES!

TELL THEM THERE'S
A WOMAN UPSTAIRS

WHO NEEDS
AN EMERGENCY BATH.

MEL, IF I DON'T SIT
IN SOME HOT WATER,

I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY.
NOW, BANG ON THE PIPES!

EDNA, BE REASONABLE.

I BANGED FOR YOU.
WHY WON'T YOU BANG FOR ME?

JESUS, IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT,
EDNA. IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

IT WON'T BE ALL RIGHT!
IT WON'T BE ALL RIGHT!

WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

[DROPS BRUSH]

OH, MEL...

I'M SO SORRY.

OH, GOD.
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

OH, PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

JUST CALM DOWN.

OH, GEE, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING ANYMORE.

OH, I HAVE
NO STRENGTH LEFT.

NOTHING.

I COULDN'T EVEN OPEN MY
POCKETBOOK ON THE BUS TODAY.

A LITTLE BOY
HAD TO HELP ME.

YOU HAVE STRENGTH,
EDNA.

I HAVE ANGER!

NO STRENGTH.

IF ANYTHING
HAPPENS TO ME,

WHO'S GOING
TO TAKE CARE OF US, MEL?

I WILL.

HAVEN'T I ALWAYS TAKEN
CARE OF YOU, EDNA?

I MEAN WHO'S
GOING TO TAKE CARE

OF US NOW, MEL!

ME! EDNA...ME.

YOU, MEL?

TRUST ME.

DON'T YOU BELIEVE
IN ME ANYMORE?

AW, LET'S LEAVE.

LET'S JUST GIVE UP
AND LEAVE.

LET THEM KEEP THEIR
GARBAGE AND THEIR CROOKS

AND THEIR AIR CONDITIONERS
AND THEIR JOBS!

I JUST WANT TO LIVE OUT
THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU

AND SEE MY GIRLS GROW UP
HEALTHY AND HAPPY,

AND ONCE IN A WHILE,
I'D LIKE TO HAVE SOME WATER

TO TAKE A BATH!

PLEASE, MEL, PLEASE.

EDNA, IT'S GOING
TO BE ALL RIGHT,

BUT WE'RE NOT GOING
TO LET THEM KICK US OUT.

THIS IS MY CITY. WE'RE
GOING TO STAY IN MY CITY.

AND YOU'RE GOING
TO GET SOME WATER,

I PROMISE YOU.

YEAH?
[DOORBELL RINGS]

THAT'S THE SUPERINTENDENT.
I'LL KILL HIM!

EDNA!
JUST A MINUTE.

YOU'RE VERY UPSET.
I'LL HANDLE THIS.

JUST RELAX.

WHY DON'T YOU
SIT IN THE TUB

AND WAIT FOR THE WATER
TO COME ON, HUH?

OH. YOU TELL THEM
I WANT A WHOLE TUBFUL,

NOT JUST 2 INCHES!

YOU TELL 'EM, MEL!
TELL 'EM!

I'D LIKE TO TALK
TO YOU, MEL--NOW.

I'M PARKED IN A LOADING
ZONE--15 MINUTES.

I DROVE IN ALL THE WAY
FROM THE COUNTRY.

I JUST WALKED UP
ALL THESE STAIRS.

I DON'T WANT TO GET
A TICKET, SO CAN WE TALK?

SURE. COME ON IN.

I'D RATHER NOT,
IF YOU DON'T MIND.

I UNDERSTAND
HOW EDNA FEELS ABOUT ME.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THE CAUSE
OF ANY MORE TROUBLE.

IN THE HALLWAY, OK?

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU
IN PRIVATE, OK?

IN THE HALL?

EDNA, I GOT TO GO OUT
FOR A FEW MINUTES!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

Edna:
IT'S NOT FLUSHING!

I CAN'T FLUSH
THE LOUSY TOILET!

SHE CAN'T FLUSH
THE TOILET.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING, MEL?
EMOTIONALLY, I MEAN.

IS IT ALL RIGHT
TO SAY THAT?

EMOTIONALLY?
IT'S A VERY NICE WORD.

I DON'T MIND IT
AT ALL.

I BROUGHT YOU SOME
APPLES FROM THE COUNTRY.

UH-HUH.

WAIT UNTIL
YOU TASTE THESE.

YOU ALWAYS USED TO LOVE
APPLES. I REMEMBER THAT.

ARE YOU ALLOWED
TO EAT THEM NOW?

APPLES DON'T AFFECT
THE MIND, HARRY.

THEY DON'T?

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT
TO TALK IN THE APARTMENT?

NO, NO.
HERE IS FINE.

WITH ALL
DUE RESPECT TO EDNA,

SHE'S VERY UPSET
WITH THE FAMILY.

THAT IS NOT TRUE.

SHE HASN'T SAID ONE UNKIND
WORD TO ME ABOUT ANYBODY.

THE WOMAN DOESN'T
LIKE ME. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

THE WHOLE WORLD
DOESN'T HAVE TO LIKE YOU.

I WANTED TO DELIVER
THIS IN PERSON,

AND THEN I'LL GO.

YOU DROVE 40 MILES
AND WALKED UP 14 FLIGHTS

TO BRING ME 6 APPLES,

AND I'M THE ONE
WHO'S CRAZY?

NOT JUST
THE APPLES, MEL.

I HAVE SOMETHING
A LITTLE MORE SUBSTANTIAL

THAN APPLES.

HERE. THIS IS
FOR YOU AND EDNA.

THE APPLES ARE SEPARATE.

WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S THE CHECK.
IT'S THE MONEY.

GO BUY YOURSELF
A SUMMER CAMP.

JULY AND AUGUST, GO TAKE
CARE OF 300 RUNNY NOSES.

HAVE A GOOD TIME.

THIS IS FOR $25,000.

YOUR SISTERS AND I
CONTRIBUTED EQUALLY: 50-50.

I'M TELLING THEM
ABOUT IT TOMORROW.

HARRY? HEY, HARRY!

HARRY! HEY,
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
MYSELF.

WHY WOULD ANYBODY WANT
TO RUN A SUMMER CAMP?

BUT IF THAT'S WHAT
GIVES YOU PLEASURE,

GOOD LUCK, MEL.

GOD BLESS YOU.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHEN DID EDNA
ASK YOU FOR THIS?

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
IT'S OVER.

EVERYBODY GOT
A LITTLE EXCITED,

AND EVERYBODY
SAID SOME THINGS

THAT EDNA
DIDN'T MEAN.

WHAT?
TAKE IT.

KEEP IT, MEL. TAKE
THE MONEY. BUY YOUR CAMP.

NOW GO BACK UPSTAIRS.
WALK SLOWLY,

OR YOU'LL GET
A STITCH.

PLEASE, I CAN'T
EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU,

BUT I CANNOT TAKE
THIS MONEY.

I AM ALL RIGHT NOW.

I CAN STAND
ON MY OWN 2 FEET.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

WHY WON'T YOU
LET ME DO THIS FOR YOU?

WHY WON'T YOU LET ME

HAVE THE SATISFACTION
OF MAKING YOU HAPPY?

YOU ALREADY HAVE
BY OFFERING IT.

NOW GET RID OF THAT.

THEY SEE THAT MUCH MONEY
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD,

YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
TO THE CORNER.

YOU LET EVERYBODY ELSE
TAKE CARE OF YOU--

PEARL, EDNA, PAULINE--

EVERYBODY EXCEPT ME,
YOUR BROTHER.

WHY AM I ALWAYS EXCLUDED
FROM THE FAMILY?

WHO KNOWS?

I HAD TO WORK WHEN
I WAS 13 YEARS OLD.

I DIDN'T HAVE TIME
TO BE THE FAVORITE.

OH, ALL RIGHT. YOU WANT
TO BE THE FAVORITE?

I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.

I'LL CALL THE GIRLS UP
TOMORROW MORNING,

AND I'LL SAY FROM NOW ON,
YOU'RE THE FAVORITE.

I'M NOT BLAMING YOU.
IT'S ONLY NATURAL.

WHEN THERE ARE
2 BROTHERS IN A FAMILY,

AND ONE IS OUT
WORKING ALL DAY,

THEN THE ONE WHO STAYS HOME
IS THE FAVORITE.

I WASN'T THE FAVORITE.

I WAS THE BABY,
HARRY.

YOU WERE THE FAVORITE!

I WAS NOT!

DON'T TELL ME.
THEY PLAYED WITH YOU

FROM MORNING TILL NIGHT!

NO ONE COULD KEEP
THEIR HANDS OFF YOU!

I LIVED IN THAT HOUSE
31 YEARS!

NOT ONCE DID ANYONE EVER
SING ME "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"!

THAT'S NOT TRUE, HARRY!

YOU ALWAYS HAD
A BIRTHDAY PARTY,

ALWAYS HAD
A GREAT BIG CAKE!

I HAD PARTIES.
I HAD CAKES.

NOBODY EVER SANG
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING
TO DO FOR YOU THIS YEAR?

I'M GOING TO HIRE
THE WEST POINT GLEE CLUB,

AND YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY"

LIKE YOU NEVER HEARD IT
BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE.

11 YEARS OLD, I WAS
WEARING LONG PANTS.

WHEN I WAS 14,
I HAD A LITTLE MUSTACHE!

AT THE MOVIES,

I HAD TO BRING
MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

THEY WANTED TO
CHARG ME ADULT PRICES!

I KNOW, HARRY.

YOU WERE THE OLDEST
LIVING AMERICAN TEENAGER.

DID YOU EVER SEE
PEARL'S FAMILY ALBUM?

THERE ARE NO PICTURES
OF ME AS A BOY!

I SKIPPED
RIGHT OVER IT.

THOUSANDS OF PICTURES
OF YOU--

ON PONIES, ON BICYCLES,
IN BARBER CHAIRS.

ONE PICTURE OF ME
IN A 1938 BUICK.

I LOOK LIKE
HERBERT HOOVER.

I'M SORRY, HARRY.

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING NOW, MEL.

I'VE NEVER TOLD THIS
TO ANYBODY.

I DON'T THINK YOU GOT
A BRAIN FOR BUSINESS.

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN
HANDLE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS.

I THINK YOU'RE
A CHILD, A BABY,

A SPOILED INFANT.

BUT AS GOD
IS MY JUDGE,

MANY'S THE NIGHT I LAY
IN BED ENVYING YOU.

ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

WHAT I'VE GOT,
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE,

BUT WHAT YOU'VE GOT,
I'D LIKE TO HAVE JUST ONCE,

JUST FOR AN HOUR,

JUST TO SEE WHAT IT FEELS
LIKE TO BE THE FAVORITE.

WHAT IF I GAVE YOU
A BIG FAT KISS ON THE MOUTH?

KISS ME, I'LL BREAK
EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY.

[ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN]

[WOMAN GIGGLING]

BETWEEN US,

WE DON'T HAVE THE BRAINS
TO PUSH A BUTTON.

I LOVE YOU, HARRY.

NOW SAY YOU LOVE YOUR
LITTLE BABY BROTHER.

YOU'RE NOT BETTER YET,
YOU HEAR ME?

YOU'RE NOT BETTER YET!

YOU'RE STILL
A VERY SICK MAN!

[BANGING ON PIPE]

EDNA!

DEAR, I KNOW YOU MEANT
PERFECTLY WELL,

BUT I WISH THAT--

EDNA?

EDNA? I WISH THAT
IN THE FUTURE,

YOU WOULDN'T ASK
MY FAMILY FOR $25,000

WITHOUT FIRST
DISCUSSING IT WITH ME.

DON'T YOU
YELL AT ME.

WHO'S YELLING?
YOU'RE YELLING.

I'M BEING PERFECTLY
REASONABLE.

FIRST FILL UP
MY BATHTUB,

THEN YOU CAN BE
PERFECTLY REASONABLE.

HOW COULD YOU BEG
MY FAMILY FOR MONEY?

I DIDN'T BEG.

THEY OFFERED
MONEY FOR A DOCTOR.

I SAID I DIDN'T NEED IT
FOR A DOCTOR.

I NEEDED IT FOR A CAMP.
I NEVER BEGGED ANYONE.

HOW AM I GONNA WASH MY
HAIR, WITH GINGER ALE?

DON'T YOU SEE?
I'M ALL RIGHT NOW.

IT'S HUMILIATING
FOR ME

TO ASK MY
FAMILY FOR MONEY.

YOU DIDN'T ASK THEM!

YOU WEREN'T THE ONE
THAT WAS HUMILIATED!

I WAS. I WAS THE ONE
THAT SAT HERE

IN FRONT OF THE
SPANISH INQUISITION!

YOU WERE OUT
TAKING A NICE

TRANQUILIZED WALK
IN THE PARK!

TRANQUILIZED?
SEDATED, NOT TRANQUILIZED.

I WAS SEDATED.

I DON'T CARE
IF YOU WERE PETRIFIED.

I WAS THE ONE
THAT WAS HUMILIATED.

NEXT TIME, YOU BE HUMILIATED,
AND I'LL BE SEDATED.

YOU REALIZE YOU'RE
SPEAKING TO A MAN

WHO JUST HAD
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

THAT FAR AWAY.

THAT FAR AWAY? I HAD
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!

HAVEN'T YOU ANY REGARD
FOR A MAN'S ILLNESS?

YOU DON'T SOUND SICK
TO ME NOW.

NOW? I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT NOW, EDNA.

I'M TALKING
ABOUT THEN.

AND IT WAS SEDATED,
NOT TRANQUILIZED!

SEDATED!

I WISH TO HELL
YOU'D GET SEDATED AGAIN,

SO YOU'D STOP
YELLING AT ME!

Woman: WILL YOU SHUT UP
DOWN THERE, YOU HOODLUMS?

HEY. HEY!

EDNA--OH, JESUS!

WHO ARE YOU
CALLING HOODLUMS?

YOU AND YOUR
LOUDMOUTHED HUSBAND!

DON'T YOU CALL US NAMES!

YOUR HUSBAND ISN'T
HALF THE MAN MY HUSBAND IS!

AND WE HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN
THE WATER.

WE REMEMBER THE WATER!

Woman: MY HUSBAND
WILL BE HOME SOON,

AND IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP,
YOU'LL GET MORE OF THE SAME!

AHA! WITH WHAT?

WHERE ARE YOU
GONNA GET THE WATER?

WHERE'S YOUR WATER,
BIG MOUTH?

EDNA...

NOW, WILL YOU GET
OUT OF THERE?

I'M SORRY.
MY WIFE DIDN'T REALLY--

THEY DID IT AGAIN.

WHERE'D THEY GET
THE WATER?

WHERE DID THEY
GET THE WATER?

PEOPLE LIKE THAT
ALWAYS HAVE WATER.

THEY SAVE IT UP
SO THAT PEOPLE LIKE US

CAN ALWAYS GET IT.

OH...

WELL, I THINK YOU'RE
BEHAVING VERY WELL, MEL.

I THINK YOU'RE TAKING IT
BEAUTIFULLY THIS TIME.

THAT SHOWS
REAL PROGRESS.

I THINK YOU'VE GROWN
THROUGH THIS EXPERIENCE.

I REALLY DO.

YOU KNOW...

I THINK YOU REALLY ARE
ALL RIGHT.

HMM.

I'M SO PROUD
OF YOU, MEL,

'CAUSE YOU'RE
BETTER THAN THEM.

YOU'RE BETTER
THAN ALL OF THEM.

BETTER IN EVERY WAY.

OH...

OH, HO HO.

Kelting: THIS IS ROGER KELTING
AND THE 6:00 REPORT.

HEAVY SNOW WARNINGS
HAVE BEEN POSTED

ALONG THE EASTERN
SEABOARD TONIGHT,

AND HERE IN NEW YORK,

A RECORD 33 INCHES
HAVE BEEN FORECAST.

SNOW PLOWS WERE ORDERED
OUT ON THE STREETS,

AND CITY RESIDENTS WERE ASKED
TO GET OUT THEIR SHOVELS

IN A JOINT EFFORT
TO SHOW HOW NEW YORKERS

CAN LIVE TOGETHER
AND WORK TOGETHER

IN A COMMON CAUSE.