The Pickle (1993) - full transcript

A flying pickle?
What have I done?

A crime against humanity.

I didn't direct a movie,
I committed a crime.

Why is this limo so hot?

It's like a gas chamber
in here.

You made a
commercial movie, Harry.

I made toilet paper.

I think the kids
will go for it.

I committed
artistic suicide.

You will certainly die
from those filthy
French cigarettes.

I was sitting
in a 400-year-old stone house
in Aix-en-Provence,



Drinking an unbelievable
chablis,

and I went back to Hollywood
and committed suicide.

Why?
Tell me why I did it, Phil?

$400,000 in back taxes.

Then there's the question
of your two alimonies.

Plus the fact
your last few films
have not been hits, Harry.

How about
three disasters in a row?

Three huge bomberinos,
the record.

But The Pickle
will be a hit.

My nose tells me,
and my nose
is usually dependable.

How do you know
it's going to be a hit?
You haven't seen it.

Okay, it's a bomb.

I told you.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)



I'll be right out front
if you need me, Mr. Stone.

Great.
I may go see my mother.

Don't forget you have
an interview with the guy
from The Times at 4:00.

Cancel it.
I'm not talking to the press.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

It's not a review, Harry.

It's just a little story
about you being back
in the States again.

The Times has buried me
three times in a row.

Why should I
help them
make it four?

You already agreed
to it.

Welcome to the plaza,
Mr. Stone. It's an honor
to have you with us.

You're new, aren't you?
What happened to, uh...

What's his name?
The white-haired guy.

Mr. Clark died two years ago.

You have several messages,
Mr. Stone.
(SIGHS)

I'll take it, thank you.

This way, gentlemen.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

The studio called.

How many seats
do you want
for the preview?

Zero seats. I don't go
to my own funerals.

Ellen called.

Oh, sure, she probably
wants to see the picture.

She'll enjoy the carnage.
Mmm-hmm.

(SIGHS)

Your daughter called.

Huh. I got to get
something for the baby.

Phil, Phil, do me a favor.
Yeah.

Run down to Schwartz's
and get me a toy,
a nice big panda.

I can't wait
to see the baby.

I hear
she's already walking.
(EXCLAIMS)

My God.
You're Harry Stone.

(EXHALES)
I've seen every one
of your pictures.

Uh, Purple Charlatan,
Roman Christmas.

That, for me,
was a masterpiece.

I love your pictures.

I thought Blue Dust
was the best Western
ever made.

(STAMMERING)
I know I'm gushing
and you're a busy man,

but this is a great thrill
for me.

Well, thank you.

(STAMMERING) I write copy
for Bloomingdale's,

but I always wanted
to write for film.

But, oh, don't worry,

I don't have
a script for you.
(LAUGHING)

You know what my favorite is?
What?

Paradise Jack.
Oh.

Oh, I loved Paradise Jack.

I think the critics
were all wrong.

Lady, we got to go.

Oh, well, thank you,
Mr. Stone.

And good luck
with the preview
of The Pickle tomorrow.

Thank you.

(CHUCKLES)

How the hell did she know
there was a preview tomorrow?

The word is
on the street, Harry.

I told you,
The Pickle is a hit.

How, how, how did I ever
let myself

Be talked into doing
this piece of teenage drek?

You got smart.
Don't you remember?

You agreed to fly out
to the coast

And take a meeting
with Ronnie Liebowitz.

He'd just been made
head of the studio.

Merv, I don't have time
to read a 555-page novel
about an Eskimo.

MERV: (OVER PHONE)
I understand that.
I'll call him.

Just option it. Fine.
I don't care what it costs.

It's an epic. I love it.
Good-bye.
Ciao.

They're here?
Fine. Send them in.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, my God.
It's Harry Stone.

This is my dream
come true.
Ow.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry,

I have to get
those trimmed.

Hello, Phil.
Hello, Ronnie.

Good to see you.

Well, come on, come on.
Come on in. Come on.

Sit, make cozy.
Make cozy.

You know, Mr. Stone,
I've seen now...

Well, I have seen
Blue Dust 29 times.

Jesus. You look to be
about 16 or 17 at the most.

Oh, I wish.
It's just that I've...

Well, I lost a ton
of weight recently,
so I look a lot younger.

Anywho, you didn't fly in
all the way from France

just to talk about
my weight.
(CHUCKLES)

If I breathe, I gain weight.

Well, we can fix that.

Try drinking
only distilled water,
six quarts a day,

a slice of papaya
for lunch,

a bowl of brown rice
for dinner.

Absolutely no noshing.

What's The Pickle?

The Pickle. Well,

The Pickle
is a film idea
that I have...

About a bunch
of farm kids from...

Kansas, Idaho.

You know, somewhere
warm and grassy.

A bunch of typical
blond-haired farm kids

who are into growing

these really, like,
super-duper large cucumbers

for the county fair.

Well,

all of a sudden,

they discover

That one of the cucumbers
won't stop growing.

It gets bigger and bigger

and bigger and bigger
and bigger.

And bigger.

And whoosh.

What do you mean, "bigger
and bigger and bigger"?

I mean, that the cucumber
turns into a spaceship.

That's what I mean.

A spaceship?

What's the matter, Phil?

You never heard of
a cucumber turning
into a spaceship?

Don't you read
the L.A. Papers?

Of course,
it's completely absurd.

Completely.

I'm talking about...

Rob "gorgeous" Lowe,
Molly Ringwald,
and Tom Cruise

flying, flying to the moon
on a pickle.

I'm talking
hysterically funny.

Hey, kid,

are you really
the head of production
for this studio?

Or is some gigantic joke
being played on an old man?

Mr. Stone,
I want to take the depth

and the irony,
and the black comedy,

and the social commentary,

and the absolutely brilliant,
razor-sharp, committed timing

that distinguishes
the films of Harold Stone.

And I want to mix it
into the stew

with this silly
little commercial piece
of Hollywood silliness,

and I want to see
what happens.

And I'm prepared to pay you
a ton of money.

When do you want
to shoot this thing?

Tomorrow.

(CHUCKLES)
Tomorrow morning.

HARRY: That's too much smoke.

MAN: I know, Harry.
I got it. It's under control.
HARRY: Jesus Christ.

That's too much smoke.

MAN: I know that.

And it should be green
and more mysterious.

They're landing
on a new planet.

I want poetry.

Go gather the cast.

Okay, for rehearsal?

No, we're gonna
shoot the rehearsal,
all right?

Lisa, get me some
coffee with Sweet'n Low.

Alberto, how's the light?

The light is bad.

What? Alberto,
I got a mountain of work
ahead of me.

We're gonna
shoot it anyway.

The Pickle is juicy.
When she...
The what?

The Pickle is juicy.
When she hit the ground,

she don't look
like-a pickle juice.

She look like-a green water.

Billy, you hear that?
What?

I need thicker pickle juice.

Any thicker, it's gonna
look like Jell-O, Harry.

MAN: Come down.
I can't even see The Pickle.

We ready to go?

Too late.

It's too dark. Look.

Let's shoot it.

Scene 303. Take one.

Action!

EXTRAS DIRECTOR:
Background action.

A.D.: Door.

(CREAKING)

(WHIRRING)

Pickle juice!

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Who gave them
permission to shoot
in front of the plaza?

"Much success manana.
Love, Ronnie and Mike."

Who's Mike?

Mike Krakower,
head of distribution.

His right-hand man.

Another little boy?

No, he's the one
who forged all those checks.

(SIREN WAILING)

Oh, I have a pain.

A shooting pain
down my entire neck.

Phil, is there any way
we can burn the print?

PHIL: Tomorrow night,
at this time,

they'll be coming out
of your preview,

and you'll be
a hero again.

I've got to buy
one of those
blood pressure kits.

It's normal to be scared.

The worst thing that
can happen is that it'll bomb.

(CHUCKLING)

Phil.

You think it's a bomb,
don't you?

I haven't seen it,
remember?

I'm goin'.
I have to see my dentist.

Isn't your dentist
in L.A.?

Yeah, but one
of my crowns is loose,

and there's a good guy here,
or so my nephew tells me.

Now I have
bicoastal dentists.

"Bicoastal"?
"Bicoastal."

I love you, Phil.

Sure. Who else would
take the crap
I've taken for 35 years?

Give me a kiss.

Yeah, right.

Call me.

Bye-bye.

I'll leave the toy panda
at the desk.

(SIGHS)

I want to go to bed with you.

Or on the floor.
I don't care where.

I just want
to make love to you.

I want to have sex
with Harry Stone.

And I'm gonna do it.

All my life,
I've been a wimp

about not following
through with my
fantasies. Well.

I've wasted
six good years in analysis

if we don't have sex.

Uh, care for a drink?

(CHUCKLES)

No.

Am I gonna have
to undress you?

(STAMMERING) Uh, what's,
uh, your name?

Bernadette.
Oh.

My friends call me Bernie.

Hey, there's no involvement.

I will not bother you
in the future.

This is a one-time thing.
It's sexual.

(SIGHS)

(GRUNTS)

I have no social diseases,

and I assure you,
I will never tell my husband.

Your husband?

Oh, Mr. Stone. Harry.

Can't you understand
what this is all about?

You make fantasies.

You excite people like me.

Well, now I'm gonna live
one of my fantasies.

I'm gonna have sex
with one of the greatest
directors of all time.

(THUMPING)
HARRY: This is a lot better
than one of my movies.

(PHONE RINGING)

(PANTING)

Harry Stone.

Ellen. How are you?

I'm fine.

About a half hour ago.

(GROANS)

It's a little chilly in here.
The room is cold.

Oh, sure, I'd love to see you.

Uh, no, don't come up.

I'll, I'll be right down.
Five minutes. Right.

My wife is here.
My ex-wife.

One of my many exes.

There's a script
i'd like you to read, Harry.

(PANTS)

(MOANING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hi, Ellen.

Hi.

Oh, you look tired.

I was just raped by a fan.

Oh.

(GIGGLING)

Are you here alone?

Uh, Phil came in with me.

Johnnie Walker black,
straight up,

and a glass of ice water
on the side.

Yes, sir.
Where's the girl?

Francoise?
Francoise.

She's in Paris.

You look wonderful, Ellen.
Hmm.

Are you working?

I'm doing a soap.
So this week
I'm rich and happy.

Any boyfriends?

Well, you know.

I did go out on a date
last weekend,
out in the island.

I went to a drive-in movie
with this retired professor.

It was terrible.

I had to slap him
in the face three times.

He got fresh?
No, I thought he was dead.

(LAUGHING)

Come on, Harry.
That's a very old joke.

So you're not in love,

and I'm shacking up
with a girl younger
than our daughter.

"Shacking up"?

God, I haven't heard that
expression in years.

It's our daughter
I came to talk to you about.

Is Carrie okay?

Absolutely.
She's a great mother.

I can't wait
to see the baby.

Oh, it's so beautiful.

But you know, she's back
working part-time again,

did you know that?
But she's broke.

I mean,
they're always broke.

How can they be broke?
Did he lose his job?

Harry.

(LAUGHING)

Your left eye
is starting to tic, Harry.

I mean, they just
live $20,000 a year
over their head.

So I loaned them $20,000.

And where did you
get $20,000?

From you. The old alimony
you finally paid me.

Thank you very much.

Once more unto the breach.

Ah, so what's the problem?

No problem.

I just want you
to split the $20,000
with me.

You're her father.

Well, as I recall,
you got $80,000 from me.

$80,000 hardly buys
underwear these days, Harry.

80 big ones?
80 big ones.

Yes or no, Harry?

You gonna see
the movie tomorrow?

Absolutely, of course.
If I'm not rehearsing, sure.

Okay, I'll tell Phil to draw
up a check for $10,000.

Thank you.

The picture is a turkey.
Teenage drivel.

Really?

Then why did you do it?

To buy your underwear.

Oh, now that's a new one.
Right?

Now you're blaming me
for making shitty movies?

Why did we ever break up?

Do you have a year?

Come up to my room.

I don't think
you could handle it.

Good God, you're sexy.

(SIGHS)

I think this movie
will finish me.

You can always teach.

I was thinking of suicide.

Oh, you just...
You know, you're always
scared before a preview.

Why did I make
this piece of lip-gloss?

Why didn't I make
what I wanted to make?

Why didn't I make
Huckleberry Finn?

Remember Huckleberry Finn?

I always loved that idea.

I wanted to do Huck
as a battered child.
Tough, gritty.

None of that sentimental crap
we got in the old version.

And this spunky,
funny kid is America,

going through
its crazy growing pains.

It sounds a lot better
than The Pickle.

Who asked for your honesty?

I'm sorry.

Harry, I got to go.
I'll be late for rehearsal.

I love you.

See you tomorrow.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(CAR HORN BLARING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Francoise: Harry!

Harry!

(CAR HORN BLARING)

Mmm.

Hey, Francie.

Oh, what an adorable panda.

Is it for me, Harry?

It's for my grandchild.

What the hell
are you doing here, Francoise?

I'm going to be
with you for the preview.

You need me
to take care of you.

Not to mention my body.

Hey, look.

Uh, Francoise,
look, (STAMMERING) I...

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Look, I, look,

(STAMMERING) I don't have
the energy to play
with you.

Get in the car.

Get in the car.

(CAR HORN BLARING)

I missed you terribly.

Also, I've, I've good news
for you.

(CHUCKLES)

I got the role in the film.

I'm gonna play
the girl who's kidnapped.

Great. Great.

You're not happy for me?

I, I mean,
my mom was happy.

I mean,
she tried to pretend,

but she was
very happy for me.

I'm happy for you.

Do you love me, Harry?

Right now, the only thing
I love is my fear.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

I don't know
how long we'll be.

I'll be right here,
Mr. Stone.

Are you hungry
or anything?

I had a sandwich before.

Harry.

Carrie.

Carrie.

(GRUNTS)

Who's this?
Who's this?

This is Molly.

Molly, can you say
hello to grandpa Harry?

Can grandpa pick you up?

Hi, uh, I'm Francoise.

Hi.

Harry's girlfriend.

I'm Carrie.

Hi.

Molly, grandpa has
a panda for you.

Has she ever seen a panda?

We were just about
to go up to the park
for a walk,

but let's go inside
for a while.
Oh, no. No, no, no,

let's walk.

We'll leave the panda
in the limo.

Oh, she wants her panda.

Oh, my God.

I apologize, Molly.
Grandpa is sorry.

MOLLY: My grandpa.

HARRY: (COOING)
Yeah, my grandpa.

MOLLY: (CRYING)
God, I apologize, Molly.
I'm sorry. Look.

I wanna go with Mommy!

Here's your panda.
What about grandpa?

HARRY: Ooh!

CARRIE: She's stubborn.
She's a real Taurus.

You still don't believe
in that crap?

Only when it works.

I'm a Libra.

I've missed you, Harry.

How's David?

He's seeing a therapist,
but he's okay.

I saw your mother
a few minutes ago.

Did she tell you
about the money?

Yeah, no sweat.
We went 50-50.

We'll pay it back.

I borrowed some money
from my mother and father.

My father
is always angry with me.

That's sad.

They think your father's
too old for me.

I wonder why.

You know,
age is a state of mind.

Have you seen
The Pickle?

How could she see
The Pickle?

The preview's tomorrow.

I always get nervous
at those things,
but I'll be there.

Harry has a cassette
of the film,

but he will not
let me see it.

He's afraid The Pickle
is gonna be a bomb.

CARRIE: What?

I'm sick and tired of talking
about the rotten, miserable,

turkey-of-a-piece-of-shit
movie.

You're getting crazy, Harry.

Go catch a plane
back to Paris.

You're scaring the baby.
I'm sorry.

Yeah, you're
always sorry.

Go home, Francoise!

(BABY CRYING)

It was very nice
meeting you, Carrie.

Bye, Molly.

You still want me to split?

"Split"?

We just don't use words
like that any more, Francoise.

I like "split."

It's very poetic.

You can see the person

physically separating
from his own body.

(SIGHING)

This bridge
is the all-time champ.

Someday
we'll walk across it.

Let's do it now.

I never have sex
in the limo

when I'm on my way
to see my mother.

BOTH: (GIGGLING)

Then show me The Pickle.

Show me The Pickle.
You're tickling me. Stop it.

I know you have the tape.
How do you know?

I'm a spy.
A spy of love.

"Harry, split.
I want to split, Harry."

Then show me The Pickle.

(LAUGHING)

Give me...
Give me the miserable tape.

No.

You can see it tomorrow.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TAPE)

Giddy-up.

Get.

(HENS CLUCKING)

Oh, man.

MISSION CONTROL:
Pickle one is now
on full internal power.

MAN: We have
ignition sequence.

Pickle juice
is completely pressurized.

Vents closed. We are go.

Pressure on board, 15.

Power transfer is ready.

We are on automatic sequence.

(SIREN WAILING)

(CLANGING)

Ready, Clem?

Ready, Molly-girl.

ALL: Ready, Molly-girl.

All right, let's get
this pickle off the ground.

MISSION CONTROL:
Stand by for mode one bravo.

Trajectory guidance
systems are all go.

Mode one bravo.

Ten, nine, eight...

Mode one bravo complete.

Seven, six, five...

Engines go.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Say goodbye to Molly-girl.

MISSION CONTROL:
Three, two, one.
Launch commit.

Wow! This is
super-cool, Harry.

(LAUGHS)

It's, it's like
The Marx Brothers.

Oh, you're stoned.

Reminds me
of my old neighborhood.

MORGAN BEATTY:
This is Morgan Beatty
in our nation's capital.

We have a late bulletin.

Vice President Truman
has just announced

before taking
the oath of office

as 32nd president
of the United States

that he has asked
the Roosevelt cabinet
to remain in office.

We have more details
now on the death
of the president.

The White House staff will...

Grandma, grandpa,
President Roosevelt is dead.

He had a massive
cerebral hemorrhage.

We know, heshele.
We know.

I saw him once
with my own eyes.

It was raining.

And Truman's
the new president.

Harry S. Truman.

Who is this Truman, heshele?

I don't know,
but, um, he looks Jewish.

A Jewish president
we are not going to get
in my lifetime.

Can I have two
Loose Lucky Strikes
for my mother?

Dumbbell,
President Roosevelt is dead.

So what?
My mother wants
two Loose Luckys.

Here, boychick.

You should be crying.

You're not crying.

I am.

I am.

Zeda, I'm crying. I am.

Here, heshele.
Drink your egg cream.

As we were saying,
the cabinet in
the White House

vows to settle all details
of public importance.

There probably
will be an immediate
swearing-in ceremony.

(LAUGHING)

I really want
to meet your mom.

That would kill her.

Take the limo
back to the hotel.

I'll take a taxi.

You should find
a younger man, Francoise.

That's what my
father says. Shh.

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

Excuse me,
I'm looking for Mrs. Stone.

Oh, Yetta?
She'll be down in a minute.

She's taking her daily walk
right about now.

What shape is she in?

She's a tough cookie.
Got more energy than I do.

I'd appreciate it
if you'd keep an eye on her.
I'm her son.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Uh, we have
a no-tipping policy.

It's not a tip.
It's a reminder.

What's going on
around here, heshele?

You're looking good, Yetta.

I see you already met Kareem.

He's a Celtics fan,
would you believe that?

The Celtics are a great team.

I hate the Celtics.

You look tired.

Come on,
we'll go for a walk.

What happened,
you got taller?

BOTH: (CHUCKLE)

(MEN CHATTERING)

HARRY: When are you
gonna quit smoking?

Yetta: Why should I quit
smoking now?

Anyway, they're mentholated.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

So, how's the picture?

It stinks.

You mean,
it's worse than the last one?

I kind of like
Paradise Jack.

Ah, too much undressing.
Too much talking.

And that girl,
she looked like
she was starving to death.

They're all thin now, mom.
That's the style.

You know what you've got?

You've got
a beautiful granddaughter.

Molly? She's a princess.

I gave Carrie $1,000.

I don't know,
they're always broke.

How you doing?

How should I be doing?
I, uh...

I eat three-and-a-half
meals a day.

I have my books,
I gamble a little,
I look at the tube,

And my famous son
comes to see me
once every 10 years.

I saw you last
Christmas, mom.

MAN: (GREETING IN RUSSIAN)

Yetta: (REPLIES IN RUSSIAN)

They all think
I'm Russian.

Well, you are Russian.

No, my parents
were Russian.

Me, like
Bruce Springsteen says,

"I was born in the USA."

Do you need anything?

Yeah.

I need a youth transplant.

Take me back to 35.

I promise,
I'll, I'll jog every day.

(SIGHS)

Is the picture
really so terrible?

I sold out, mom.

Now wait a minute.

Tell me, what is it about?

It's about
a group of farm boys
in the midwest

who grow a giant cucumber
and fly it into outer space.

Harold, what did you have,
a lobotomy?

What, what happened
to your idea
about Anna Karenina?

You mean the remake?
Yeah.

That's a beautiful story.

It was a great idea.

I wanted to switch it
to today.

Make Anna the wife
of a rich industrialist,
like a Rockefeller.

And she falls in love
with this younger man,

but she just
can't leave the husband.

And it still ends tragically.

She throws herself
in front of a train.

Maybe the subway.

But I don't know
who to get for Anna.

What about uh,
Deborah, uh, Winger?

Debra Winger.

Yeah, Debra Winger.

That girl's
got a lot of pizzazz.

But I couldn't
get the money.

Come on. Let's go back,
Harold. I'm tired.

That makes
two of us, Mom.

Harold, come on.
What... What's the matter?

I've got no right
to complain, mom.

I'm all ears.

(SIGHS)

I feel old, I'm tired,

(LAUGHING)
And I'm scared.

Join the crowd.

You take a number,
you stand in line.

You're afraid of dying,
I'm afraid of living.

They're the same thing.

Come to France
and live with me, mom.

You're on such a guilt trip.

(CHUCKLES)

You're right every time.

I love you, mom.

I hate those pants.

Why don't you dress your age?

(LAUGHS)

(CHILDREN SQUEALING)

YOUNG Yetta:
What do you mean?
I don't understand.

Why did I marry you?

You're crazy, Yetta.

I was crazy
to marry you.

Let me enjoy the ride!

Drop dead!
Go to hell!

What has four wheels
and flies?

You go to hell!

A garbage truck.

I am in hell.
That's my problem.

(LAUGHING)

A garbage truck.

Did you hear that, Bernie?
A garbage truck.

What? What?

What has four wheels
and flies?

(LAUGHS)

A garbage truck!

A garbage truck!

That's good! Right.

I used to live
around here.

Hey, it's beautiful.

It's worse than Moscow.

It was a real neighborhood.

Everybody knew everybody.

We were poor,
but it was safe.

It's a war zone, Mister.

Here. Stop here.

No, I don't like it, Mister.

Just five minutes.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

** Play for the thrill,
for the critics
come for battle

** Got to be invincible,
college confessable

** I'm packed as hell,
this is what
I'm telling you

** I compromise,
I'm constantly upsizing

** Competition in the crowd
didn't listen to the lyric **

You come to tear
down the building?

I used to live
in this building.

You the law?

No, no. I just came
to see my old neighborhood.

We lived in the back.

My grandparents
lived right there
in the front. Hi.

MAN: Must have been
a long time ago.

Over 30 years.
It was pretty nice then.

Well, it's shit now.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

You folks seem pretty nice.

Hey, baby. I am nice.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And you wanna move back?

I don't have the guts.

I told you
he's the law.

I'm a movie director.

My name is Harry Stone.

I go to the movies
twice a week.

I never heard of Harry Stone.

Oliver Stone.

I want to be a stuntwoman.

My brother's in a video.
He can rap.

Shit, put me in a movie.

Hey, uh, what movie
you doing now?

I just finished
a picture called The Pickle.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

What's this pickle about?

Well, it's about
a group of farm kids

who fly a giant cucumber
to another planet.

And the crazy thing is

the planet they arrive on
looks just like Earth.

HARRY:
In fact, it looks just like
the Upper East Side.

And all of the people
on this planet are trendy.

They wear only spandex,
and they love cows.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(WOOSHING)

It's a bird!

It's a plane!

It's a pickle.

(PICKLE JUICE PLOPPING)

(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(SQUEAKING)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

(GASPS)

Look, we have
The Times interview...

Oh, my God, in 10 minutes.

This is such
a great break for us.

Who's doing the interview?

Yakimoto Yakimura.

A Japanese?

She's very intelligent,
Harry.

A Japanese broad?

She's screened
all your pictures
just for this one interview.

People are curious
about you, Harry.

But the critics
are gonna kill me.

The cheeseburgers
are fabulous.

Hi, I'm Francoise,
Harry's girl.

Hi, I'm, I'm Nancy Osborne.
I'm the publicist.

Oh, no. Well, we have to
get room service
up here right away,

to take away some
of these carts.
It's a mess.

The whole room is a mess.

Ah, I just can't
believe it. Okay.

I could use a salami on rye,
and a lot of nuts
with cream soda.

Maybe the Jap
wants some sushi.

Who's the Jap?

Uh, it's Yakimoto Yakimura.

Yeah, hi, yeah, this is,
um, it's, uh, room 619, yeah.

I need a salami on rye,
I need a cream soda,
and, uh, two coffees.

And there's a lot
of carts up here

that need to be taken away.
So could you hurry?

FRANCOISE:
Nancy, I, I want some, uh,
ice cream and chocolate sauce.

How do you say it?

NANCY:
Yeah, a hot fudge sundae?
Yeah, thank you.

NANCY: Yeah, could you
add to that a hot
fudge sundae

with vanilla ice cream,
and please hurry.

Thank you. Bye.
(HANGS UP PHONE)

Francoise, turn off the T.V.

Go in the other room.
You're getting on my nerves.

You cannot treat me
like a baby.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Oh, yes, send her right on up,
please. Yeah. Thank you.

It's Yakimoto.

Harry, I want to meet her.

I never met
a Japanese, uh,
journalist.

Get in the other room now.

No, no, no,
it's okay, Harry.

Yakimoto's very nice.
She can meet her.

No, I don't want her
to meet her.

I want her to get on a plane
and go back to Paris.

FRANCOISE: (SPEAKING FRENCH)

NANCY:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You wanna play dirty?

Go home to your mother!

You're cold,
just like the fruit of pickle!

You're selfish!

Oh, no.

What are you doing?

(DOORBELL RINGS)
I hate you!

Get back!

No, no, no, no. Oh.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi, Nancy.
Hi.

Oh.

Is this a bad time?
No, no, come on in.

Uh, hi.

Hi.

Yakimoto Yakimura,
this is Harry Stone.

Well, hi, hi.

Hello.

It's like a... It's like
a scene from a movie.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, have you ever done
a screwball comedy?

I, uh, I thought
you're not a critic.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm not. Just a writer.
(DOORBELL RINGING)

I made a couple
of visits to Japan.

I liked it.
Everybody's uptight.

I'm from Syracuse, New York.

Do you mind
if I use a tape recorder?

Whatever you want.

Do you want to eat first?
Mmm-mmm.

Ask away.

(SIGHS)

Why'd you move to France?

Salami on rye?
Yeah,
that's for Mr. Stone.

And the,
uh, cream soda?

I got the soda.

Yeah, now, I'll take
care of it, thank you.

Yaki, can I get you
some coffee?

Uh, yeah, sure.
Uh, black, no sugar.

Okay.

Oh.
Why'd I move to France?

Yes.

What about the, uh,
hot fudge sundae?

I'll take care of it.

Come and get
your ice cream.

I moved to France because
I was tired of New York,

and I refused
to live in L.A.

Besides, why do you need
a reason to move
to a beautiful place?

France is gorgeous.

Seriously gorgeous.

But you're an American.
Mmm-hmm.

Francoise,
where are you going?

Home.

Come here.
No!

Sit down,
have your hot fudge sundae.

No, you cannot treat
me like a piece of shit!

I'm sorry. I apologize.

I'm, I'm nervous
about the movie,

and I, I guess
I'm taking it out on you.

Come on. You wanna sign
for this now, please?

Sit down with Harry.
Come on. Sit in my lap,
come on.

HARRY:
Where's the hot fudge?

NANCY:
Yeah, there you are. Here.

Here.

Have a bite.

Is it good?

Hmm.

HARRY:
Have a bite. (LAUGHS)
Where were we?

Uh, "France
is seriously gorgeous."

I'm from Paris.
Francoise Tournier.

Yakimoto Yakimura.

Hi.
Hello.

I got fed up with
the New York bullshit.

And I couldn't take
the swimming pool scene.

That's not hard
to figure out, is it?

Here.

I, uh, I really like
that picture,
the Blue Dust.

Thank you, amigo.

(CHUCKLES)

What do you know?
He saw Blue Dust.

Are you here to stay,
Mr. Stone?

Harry.
Harry.

Here to live,
you mean?
Yeah.

No, I have
no future plans.

If anything,
I'm contemplating suicide.

(CHUCKLES)
He's joking.

No, he's not.

He's very anxious
about The Pickle.

Shut up, Francoise.

Would you call
The Pickle a comedy?

No, believe me,
it's a tragedy.

This dentist should
go to jail for life.

Phil, Phil,
meet Yakimoto Yakimura.

This is my agent,
Phil Hirsch.

Oh, hello.

I'd better come back
later, Harry.

Maybe I should
come back later.

Hello, Francoise.

Oh, no, no, continue
the interview, please.

(CHUCKLES)

Your films are sort
of like this scene
in the hotel room, Harry.

Is that good or bad?

I told you, I'm not a critic.

So, what's next?

Well, I don't know
what I'm gonna do next.

I know what
I should have done.

NANCY:
Harry.

No, I, I don't care
if they print it.

I should have done
Cortes and Montezuma.

Cortes and Montezuma.

I wanted Dustin Hoffman
and Warren Beatty.

Hoffman as Cortes,
Beatty as Montezuma.

An amazing story.

Cortes: Arrogant, cruel,
chivalrous.

Montezuma:
Painfully superstitious,
can't make a right move.

It's a wonderful tale.

I want to meet
Warren Beatty.

You're too old
for Warren Beatty.

I'm only 22.

(PHONE RINGS)

No, I got it.

Hello?

Yes, he is.
Just a minute, please.

Harry?
Hmm.

For you.
It's your son.

My son?
Yeah.

Gregory,
where the hell are you?

GREGORY: (OVER PHONE)
I'm downstairs.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

You sure?

I'm sure.
Can I come up?

Okay, come right up.

He flew in from L.A.

He's okay?

We'll soon find out.

The drugs?

He's clean.
He's A.A. for
a whole year now.

Uh, maybe we can finish
this tomorrow, Mr. Stone.

NANCY:
Oh, good idea.

Oh, sure, uh,
come by for lunch.

You're having lunch
with Ronnie Liebowitz
and Mike Krakower.

Well, how about breakfast?

Uh, fine. 9:00?

No, make it 11:00.

And nothing personal
about my son in your piece.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Excuse me.

You look older, Harry.

But then again, so do I.

(GRUNTS)

Hi, Uncle Phil!
Long time no see.

You look like
you got a toothache.

Or, uh, or is that me?

And this... This must be
Francoise. Hi, I'm Gregory,

and I just flew in
on the transglobal
airlines' $99 special.

No frills,
and also no engine.

You must be the publicist.

You look worried.
I assure you, I'm fine.

Or is it The Pickle
you're worried about?

(CHUCKLES)

And you.
You're either
the Japanese exhibitor,

or you're writing
my father's next film.

I'm Yakimoto Yakimura.

Of course.

I loved your piece
on Sigourney Weaver
in The Times.

And you did
something terrific
on Billy Wilder.

And I do not use
that term loosely.

Well, thank you.

Uh, see you at 11:00, Harry?

Yeah.

What are you on, Gregory?

You are absolutely gorgeous.

Relax, Harry.
It's not a pass.

You're on something
and I don't like it.

Time to go.
See you tomorrow.

Bye, Phil.
Good to see you.

Oh, Francoise, bye-bye.
Bye.

It was very nice to meet you.
Bye. Bye. Bye.

I was right.

That was the publicist,
wasn't it?

Swear to me
you're clean.

I swear to you, I'm clean.

I'm clean a year
this Christmas, pop.

I'm writing a movie
that's what I want
to talk to you about.

And I wanna see The Pickle,
and mom,

and Carrie,
Grandma Yetta, and the baby.

The baby is beautiful.

Adorable.

Let's take a walk, pop.

GREGORY:
It's a murder mystery.

It all takes place
in Laurel Canyon.

The detective
walks in a house,
picks up a cat.

He says, "I wish
the hell you could talk."

So the cat's the only
witness to the crime.

The cat looks him
straight in the eye
and he says,

"Look in the bathroom
under the sink."

What do you mean,
"the cat says"?

It's a talking cat.
It's funny.

It's ridiculous.

Can I see
one of the new
blood pressure kits, please?

They just came in.

They are great.
Just a minute.

You just made a movie
about a flying pickle.

No one is gonna buy a script
about a talking cat.

Ronnie Liebowitz is.

Ronnie Liebowitz,
the head of the studio?

He loves it.

How did you meet him?

All you have to do...
I told him
I was your son.

Is insert your left
forefinger in the hole.

I told him
I had an idea.

There we are.
He told me to come in.
He liked it.

Okay.
Are you pissed?

Hold the unit right next
to your heart and press
the red button.

Now press
the other button.

(BEEPS)

And we get
your blood pressure.

He'll probably
ask me to direct it.

I hope so.
No way.

I will not direct a movie
about a talking cat.

Okay.

If my life
depended on it.

If I had my back
to the wall,

on my ass,
dead broke,

no way
will I direct a movie
about a talking cat.

What if the baby's life
depended on it?

That's not fair.

Who said anything
about fair?

Gregory, I'm happy
if you sell the script,
but I have a career.

I've a record of work
I'm proud of till now.

And I love your movies, pop.

But they're only movies,
they're not life and death.

Oh, yes, they are!
A man's work is
life and death!

(MACHINE BEEPING)

I think you should
take it again.

What is it?
What's the number?

Well, you were
so agitated.

What are the numbers?

180 over 102.

I'm a dead man.

No, no, no, please.

Sit down,
sit down for five minutes
and take it again, Mr. Stone.

Sit down.
It'll go way down.
You'll see.

How do you know
my name is Stone?

I'm one of your
biggest fans.

You know,
I love Paradise Jack,

no matter what
those critics said.

So, please, one more time.

Right next to your heart,
press the two buttons.

Just take a nice,
deep breath.

You know, they say
you can control
your blood pressure

with your mind.

It's all in the mind, pop.

(PHONE RINGING)

My wise-guy son.

I sold one yesterday
to Woody Alen.

What was his pressure?

I'm afraid
that's confidential,
Mr. Stone.

(MACHINE BEEPING)

Please. Please.

150 over 96.

That's a considerable
drop, huh?

You should've been a doctor.

Does that mean
I've made a sale,
Mr. Stone?

Wrap it up.
Thank you.

And good luck
with The Pickle tomorrow.

(CAR HONKING)

PATTI: (SINGING)
** Just leave me alone

** I've got
those Monday blues

** Straight
through Sunday blues

** Good morning, heartache

** Here we go again

** Good morning, heartache

** You're the one
who knew me when

** Might as well
get used to you

** Hangin' around

** Good morning, heartache

** Sit down **

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

If I told you once, boychick,
I told you a thousand times.

Never sit at a table
with your back to the door.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Patti Wong,
Francoise Tournier.

You're wonderful.

(IN FRENCH)
Thank you very much.

But, Gregory, you're huge.

As is my wont.

Why we should not
sit with our backs
to the door?

The enemy can attack
and by the time
you turn around,

it's too late.
Old Chinese proverb.

Ah, you believe this,
Harry?

He doesn't. That's why
we got divorced.

(CHUCKLES)

You look pasty, Harry.

What means "pasty"?

Shitty.

Again.

Yeah,
and I'll have a coke,
straight up, mmm.

He's in A.A.

So am I.

I wish Harry would join.

Hey, you're hitting it
pretty hard, pop.

That's my business.
Go write another cat movie.

I'm sorry.

Now I'm jealous of my son.

FRANCOISE:
How long Harry
and you were married?

About a year-and-a-half.

Harry taught me about art,
literature, architecture.

He showed me Europe.

Then I became a coke freak.

How long
you been clean?

Two years.

I'm clean a year.

Dull, isn't it?

(PIANO PLAYING)

I'm due back, Harry.

Remember those Chinese herbs
I used to feed you?

Get back on them.
Lose some weight.
Stop boozing.

And for God's sake,
stop worrying
about The Pickle.

Oh, and some good news.

You can forget
my alimony payments,
starting next month.

I married the piano player.

Teach me about life, Harry.

She's really great.

All my mothers
are talented.

** Why does it
seem so inviting?

** Autumn in New York
PATTI: ** Autumn in New York

BOTH:
** It spells the thrill
of first-nighting

(FRANCOISE SUSHING)

HARRY: ** Glittering crowds

** And shimmering clouds
** Glittering crowds

Come on, pop.
It's time to go.

** And shimmering
clouds

** In canyons of steel

PATTI:
** In canyons of steel

** They're
making me feel

** I'm home

PATTI:
** They're making
me feel

** It's autumn in New York

** It's good
to live it again

PATTI:
** I'm home **

It's not funny.

You made a fool
out of yourself.

HARRY:
Baby,

I want to make the beast
with two backs.

No, I don't make love
with an alcoholic.

Oh, let me put my pickle
inside of you, cherie.

You're disgusting!

Oh, where are you
when I need you?

Oh, you want it?
Take it!

Take it!

Some guys like thighs,
but I'm a breast man.

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

Show me your pickle!

Show me your pickle!

Show me!

Show me your pickle!
Show me!

You're breaking my zipper.

I break more
than the zipper.

HARRY: (LAUGHING)

Stop it.

(GASPS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You don't have
anything there.

You don't even have a pickle.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(GASPING)

Oh, don't make
the joke, Harry.

(WHEEZING)

I can't breathe.

Call the house doctor.

(PANTING)

I sold out.

Uh, help.
I sold out.

(SOBBING)
I need help, please.

Pickle killed me.

I need a house doctor.

Hurry. I can't breathe.

619. Help.
And please hurry.

(WHEEZING)

I can't... I can't...

(PANTING)

Don't die, Harry.

You know I love you.

Water.

Water.

(STAMMERING)
You need the waiter?

No. Water. Agua. Eau.

Oh, water?

I'm gonna get you some water.

Get me water.

Water.

Water.

Water.

YOUNG HARRY: You know,
if you even have
a sip of water,

then you broke your fast.

YOUNG BUTCH:
The last water I had
was just before sundown.

You sure, Butch?
Sure I'm sure.

What about saliva?

What if you drink
your own saliva?

I think saliva
is permitted.

How do you know?

Because it makes sense,
that's how I know.

Prove it.

And besides, you don't
drink your saliva.

You swallow it.

What if you spit
your own saliva into a glass

and then drink it?

Then you'd be a schmuck,
like you are.

Up yours with gauze.

Up thine with twine.

Hey, fellas,
no cursing in front
of the synagogue.

Especially on Yom Kippur.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Grandma, grandma,
grandma.

Grandma, I didn't eat
all day, grandma.

Oh, you're
a good boy, heshele.

Not even a drop of water.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(SIGHS)

I'm the doctor.

Oh, he's, he's right
in here.

Hello, I'm Dr. Spalding.

Hi.

Uh, you got any pain?

Yeah, right in the chest.
Uh-huh.

Um, what, what's it like,
the pain?

It's, it's a...
It's a burning sensation,
right in here.

How about your left arm?
Any pain there?

No, that's fine.

Can you move your fingers?

Yeah.

Okay. Can we get you up
on the bed? Here, help me.

Let us do
most of the lifting here.

Just gonna sit
you right up here.

That's it. Good.

(GROANS)

Is this,
is this where it hurt?

You got it, doc.

(SIGHS)

You're, uh,
you're Harry Stone,
aren't you?

Yeah.

How long have I got, doc?

I've seen
some of your movies.

Very entertaining.

Am I a dead man?

Have you had
a lot to drink tonight?

Ah, he's drunk.

What did you have to eat?

I had a salami on rye
and a cream soda
for lunch.

And a cheeseburger
with french fries
for supper.

Plus, a lot of nuts.
I love nuts.

Why don't you open
your shirt for me?

Just unbutton it.

Heart's okay.
Pressure's a little high.

I think you've got
acute indigestion.

Jesus, my fly is open.

Francoise,
cover yourself.

Take two of these
for your stomach.

One of these
should put you to sleep.

And also, I'm gonna write
a prescription on those.

But you should see
a doctor tomorrow.

Get a complete checkup.

It's that bad, huh?

You've got to
get some rest, Mr. Stone.

(STAMMERING) I don't
have a doctor.

Well, I'll leave the name
of a good internist
with the concierge.

Thank you, doc.
Uh, how do I pay you?

It'll be on the hotel bill.

And, uh, good luck
with The Pickle.

Thank you, doctor.

(SIGHING)

(GROANING)

You cannot abuse your body
much longer.

Francoise, listen to me.

You're a delicious
young woman.

You're bright,
you're funny,

and you're loving.

I treated you like shit
all day long.

I'm too old for you.

Go home
and have a good life.

I'm 104 years old.

Don't be silly.

I beg of you, please.

Don't be here
in the morning.

And I know it's corny,

But you'll thank me
for it someday.

Why did I ever
eat that salami on rye?

Good night, kid.

Good night.

ANNOUNCER ON T.V.:
You could enjoy

some of New York's most
famous restaurants
and meeting places.

The extraordinary palm court,

with its feeling of
an elegant indoor garden,

offers a full menu
and the pleasures of piano
and violin ensembles.

(COWS MOOING ON T.V.)

MOLLY-GIRL: We discovered
the harmfulness
of red meat, sir.

So, Mr. President,
we became vegetarians.

We've brought you samples
of every vegetable
known to man on Earth,

so you can plant them
in your fields
and you can save Cleveland.

(LAUGHING)

Please excuse
our, our president's laugher.

It's hardly your fault
that your information
is so outdated.

But if you
scratch a Clevelandian,

you're gonna
get this kind of
bottom-line honesty.

PRESIDENT:
The point is, Molly-girl,

that we only eat meat
on Cleveland.

Have some candy.

(COW MOOING)

Thank you.

This tastes
like chopped liver.

It is.

It's a heart attack planet.

Not at all.

We don't have arthritis,
bursitis, or rheumatism.

Our hair never turns white.

How do you do that?

We die at 49.

But that's terrible.

How old do you think I am?

(COW MOOING)

Well, you look
very good, sir.

48-and-a-half.

Then you'll be dead
in 6 months.

Molly-girl, don't be sad.
Be glad.

Don't be mad
and feel like you've been had.

(MUSIC PLAYING)
** Good golly, Miss Molly

** You sure like to ball

** Good golly, Miss Molly

** You sure like to ball

(HOOTS)

** When you're rocking
and a-rolling

** Can't hear your mama call

** Good golly, Miss Molly

** You sure like to ball

** When you're rocking
and a-rolling,
can't hear your mama call **

(PHONE RINGING)

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(CAR HONKING)

Can I help you, sir?

Mrs. Stone, Ellen Stone.

Is she expecting you?

I'm her husband.

She's not married.

She used to be.
To me.

Mr. Stone.
Long time no see.

I'll call
and see if she's in.

(DOORMAN) Uh, Mrs. Stone?

Harry Stone down here
to see you.

Okay, thank you.

14G, Mr. Stone.

Aren't you gonna wish me luck
with The Pickle?

"The Pickle"?
What's "The Pickle"?

Thank God
for New York doormen.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

ELLEN:
I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Hold on a second!

All right!

What is the matter?

I wanna get married.

So get married.

To you.

Oh.

I'm on my way out.

Ellen, I love you.
I love you.
Yeah, right.

I've always loved you.

I've never
stopped loving you.

Harry, are you having
a nervous breakdown?
What's the matter with you?

I'm getting too old
to be chasing around
with kids.

Oh, Harry,
what are you doing?

You're the only one
who ever understood me.

Harry, I am the only one
who would ever
take all your ego games,

now stop this.

There'll be
no more crap, I swear.

Harry, stop this.
I do not want you
to do this.

Come to bed with me.
I don't want to
go to bed with you, Harry...

I just want
you to stop this.
Come to bed with me.

No!
Or I'll throw myself
out the window.

You don't have the guts.
Now stop this, right now!

Then I'm gonna jump.

So jump. Harry, just remember,
you are afraid of heights.
Goodbye, Ellen!

We'll see
if I have the guts.

How did I put up with him
all these years?

Harry, what are you doing?

I have an appointment
at the gym.

Why are you doing this
to me?

Because I can't
live without you.

Yeah, well, you've managed
for quite a while.

I had a mid-life crisis.

(SIREN WAILING)
Then what the hell is this?

This is life or death.

(CAR HONKING)

(PIGEON COOING)

Yes or no?

No!

I'm gonna jump!

Harry, get in here
right now!

Get in here, Harry. Now!

Will you marry me?
No!

I'm gonna jump!

Harry, I'll go to
bed with you!

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

ELLEN:
Easy, Harry.
Harry, Harry, easy.

Easy. Harry! Harry!

Oh, God,
what you do to me.

You always do this to me.

I don't believe you.

And you get me.
I'm crazy about you.
I'm crazy about you.

See, you do
that kind of stuff
and you get me.

I love you.

That's what
I don't understand.
But I love you. I love you.

You make me fall for it.

There's never a day
I don't think of you.
Yeah!

I want you.
Really?

Oh, yeah.

I swear. I love you.

You love me.

I wanna make love to you.

You do?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Gently.

I don't wanna be an animal.

I love animals, Harry.
Oh, yeah.

I love animals.

Can I touch you?

Can I touch you?

You're just saying all this
because you just wanna
make love to me, right?

Yeah. No.

Are you sure, Harry?
I swear.

It feels so good.
Oh, it feels good, Harry.

The way I feel...
Talk to me, Harry.

I love your lips.
Tell me.

Did I ever tell you
about your lips?

Tell me, Harry.

They drive me crazy.
Harry...

Oh.

Oh, Harry.

I love it when you put...
Just remember!

What?

This is a mercy fuck.

Today, senores,
we have a beautiful
Norwegian salmon,

we have a delightful
mahi-mahi, a very tasty
orange roughy.

RONNIE:
I'll have a salmon, grilled,
no butter,

three lemon wedges
on the side

and a mixed green salad,
no dressing.

Some vegetables
with the fish?

Oh, all right. Throw in
some steamed broccoli.

What I wouldn't give
for a cheeseburger.

Do you have a nice potato?

Certainly, sir.
Baked, boiled, or fried?

Baked. Baked, no butter,
no sour cream.

JOSE: Some margarine?

No! Just the potato.

Hey, Mike, why are you
trying to lose weight?

I just got
a new valve put in.

A heart valve?

No, they put a valve
up his ass.

Don't they do valve jobs
in France, Harry?

Are you okay now, Mike?

I feel like a million bucks.

I'll have some borscht.

JOSE: And for your entree?

Just the borscht.
My teeth are killing me.

What will it be for you,
Mr. Stone?

Some fried eggs
over hard, hash browns,

whole-wheat toast,
and some onion on the side.

Oh, that's suicide,
if you don't mind me
saying so.

Now, that's what I had
the morning I had the attack.

Fried eggs over hard.

I love fried eggs over hard.

Well, this may be
my last meal.

I'm sorry, Mr. Stone.
This is a no-smoking section.

Thank God.

Better off
on devil's island.

Uh, some wine
with your lunch,
gentlemen?

Oh, are you kidding?
These boys want
straight Evian.

And lots of it.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Well, a toast to The Pickle.

What are we gonna
toast with?

Doesn't matter
what we toast with.

It's the sentiment
that counts.

I think it's gonna
be a huge hit.

What did I tell you?

(EXCLAIMS)

I think you hit a nerve.

Waiter, get me
a scotch.

Yeah, make that two.
Johnnie Walker Black.

Oh, shit. You know,
I wouldn't mind
having a drink myself.

I would like
a very dry martini.

Beefeater with a twist
of lemon.

Anything for you, sir?

Just the potato

and as fast
as you can, please.

I'm very, very hungry.

You know, I have to agree
with Ronnie about The Pickle.

Our research polls show
very high interest
in the film.

How can there be high interest
if they haven't
seen the goddamn thing?

We give them a card
with the plot on it

and ask them
what they think of it.

And they wanna see it, Harry.
Mike, how much did we score?

86 percent wanna see.

Which is unbelievable.

E.T. didn't score that high.

Admit it, Ronnie,
you're scared shitless.

The Pickle
is a giant turkey.

Harry, if there's
one thing
I know,

it's that nobody knows
anything in this business.

I believe,
I believe in The Pickle.

It's a loser.

Harry, our research
is on the money.

We question people in malls.

Waiter. Excuse me, waiter,
can I talk to you
for a moment, please?

Hi, how are you?
What is your name?

Jose. Jose Martinez, senor.

Jose Martinez.
What a lovely name.

Jose, do you like to
go to the movies?

Oh, yes. In fact,
I've seen a lot of movies
Mr. Stone made.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

Isn't that wonderful, Harry?

Would you like to see
Mr. Stone's latest picture?

Sure thing.
I would love to, sir.

Tell him what it's about.

It's about
a bunch of farm kids
from Kansas,

and they fly a giant cucumber
into outer space.

Any pretty girls?
Any good action scenes?

(LAUGHING)

You see? He hates it.

Could you please
hurry with that potato?

Harry, be in my family,
please.

I wanna make more pictures
with you.

Ronnie, I don't wanna
make any more pictures.

What about
Cortes and Montezuma?

Oh, Cortes and Montezuma?
Oh, I love that already.

You know, I, I've been to
most of the ruins in Mexico.

They are utterly unbelievable.

Yucatan is so heaven.

It's not a travelogue.

It's a tragedy
about these two great men.

How Cortes was
able to destroy Montezuma

and the Aztecs
with only a few men.

They thought he was a God.

Shit. Why am I
wasting my time?

Well, do we get to
see the sacrifices
and the violence?

And that, that love story
between that nice Indian woman
who loves Cortes?

Uh, what is her name?
I, I've forgotten the name.

Malinche.

Or Marina,
as they called her.

How old
would you play Cortes?

He was 34
when they invaded Mexico.

Oh, that sounds like Dustin,
or Jack.

Yeah, yeah.

No, they're in...
They're in their 50s.

Oh, please,
Dustin looks terrific.

I had dinner
with him last night.

I think he'd be perfect
for Cortes.

Perfect.

Perfect for Montezuma, too.

He'd sure as hell
open the picture up big.

He wants $6 million.

RONNIE:
$8 million.
$6 Million was two years ago.

Tell me, who do you see
as Montezuma?

Oh, my potato.

How about if we get
an unknown for Montezuma?

I would love that.

It could be exciting, Harry.

You're great
at finding new people.

So, when can I read
this material?
Whenever you want.

Is everything
satisfactory, gentlemen?

Oh, hi, Jose.
Could you bring me
another martini?

Another scotch, amigo?

Sure thing, Mr. Stone.
I like that Cortes story.

(CHUCKLES)

Harry, I got
a really crazy idea.

Well, shoot, Ronnie baby.

Let's update it.
Update what?

Update Cortes. Let's make it
east L.A., today.

Hmm?

The barrio?
Cortes is a Chicano cop

called in to clean up
the Aztecs,

the Aztecas.

Hmm?

The Aztecas are
a really tough,
really tough street gang.

And the leader
is... Montezuma.

And Montezuma
has a girlfriend
named Marina

who Cortes
falls in love with.

I love that. I love it.

It is a great commercial idea,

and you still use Dustin
as Cortes.

Sean Penn as Montezuma?

And Meryl Streep as Marina.

And you wouldn't have to
do any building.

You'd shoot the whole thing
in east L.A.

No. Streep, no. Forget it.
Not good for the girl.

What about Madonna?

That's terrific, Phil.
Oh, yeah.

That's terr--
Great. Sean and Madonna.

Sean and Madonna,
together again.

No way!

No way I will make
an updated version

of one of the most
beautiful stories in history.

Let's forget it.

Harry.
This is insanity!

Harry, come on now.
Just relax.

Just relax. It's an idea,
a concept.

Forget it, goodbye.
That's it. It's over.

No.

No, no,
I'm not gonna forget it.

HARRY:
okay, folks? Folks?

Excuse me, (STAMMERING)
let's take a vote.

All those in favor

of, of Cortes and Montezuma,

raise your hands.

Now all those who prefer
the updated version...

AIDE: I'm crazy about you.

MOLLY-GIRL: (PANTING)

But you hardly know me.

I've just never met
anybody like you before.

No, don't.

We always do it
on the first date
in Cleveland.

Because you die
so young?

Exactly.

But it seems so empty.

It's just sex
for the sake of sex.

Don't you ever
feel guilty?

We don't have any guilt
in Cleveland.

We just love
just for the sake
of loving.

Do you believe in God?

(LAUGHS)

Of course we do,
you sweet thing.

This is our Bible.

It's on video?

AIDE: Now, in the beginning,
there were the heavens,

and there was the sky above
and the land below.

and there were the oceans,
and the lakes,

and the rivers,
and the streams.

(PLAYING INSTRUMENT)

And all this...

All this God did
on the very first day.

(SIGHING)

It's different.

Well, God was in a hurry,
darling.

AIDE:
So God created all the
animals on the second day.

And on the third day,
God created Adam and Eve.

And man was just
poisoned with desire.

Cleveland was destroyed.

And God, realizing
his... His terrible mistake,

decided to create
Adam and Eve
all over again.

Adam and Eve
knew they would never taste

the fruit of desire.

They would only eat,
eat the meat.

PRESIDENT: If you want
your own copy
of the Cleveland Bible,

call 1-800-BIBLE.

I repeat. If you want
your own copy

of the Cleveland Bible,
call 1-800-BIBLE.

If you want your own copy
of the Cleveland Bible,
call 1-800-BIBLE.

You can stop now.

BUTCH: (OVER P.A. SYSTEM)
okay, Mr. Stone.

Thank you.

You're welcome, heshie.

Do I know you?

BUTCH: I was in your class
in P.S. 179.

Butch. Butch Levine.

Butch, I'm coming back.

Hey, Butch?

Heshie.

(LAUGHING)
How are you?

How are you?

Oh, I can't complain.

I know how you are.
You're doing great
all these years.

Would you...
Would you recognize me?

I don't know.
You look pretty good.

I'll be 60,
come next March.

You're in April, right?

What a memory.

You ever see any of the guys?

Pinnie, Marty,
Louie the Italian?

Oh, no. I, I drove
by the old neighborhood
yesterday.

It's pretty sad.

Looks like a war zone.
Yeah.

How's your mother?

She's okay. She's, uh,
living in Brighton Beach.

Uh-huh.

Your father passed away,
didn't he?

You know my whole story,
don't you?

You're a famous man, heshie.

Or should I call you Harry?

I feel like I'm 10 years old
when you call me heshie.

Ah, it goes like a bullet,
doesn't it?

Well, anyhow,
I'm still married
to the same woman.

I gottwo grown sons,
and a beautiful daughter,
and five grandchildren.

And come next summer,

I'm packing it in
and moving to Florida.

You're retiring?

I don't care
if I never see
another movie.

Except yours,
of course.

I've seen all
your movies, Harry.

That's heshie.

You made some beauties.

What do you think of
this one?

Well, I only
saw the one reel.

It's a turkey, isn't it?

(EXCLAIMS)

Science fiction's
not my cup of tea.

(CHUCKLES)

You're not
a good liar, Butch.

You never can tell,
the kids might love it.

Hey, Butch, remember
the rabbi's daughter?

What was her name?

Uh, Naomi.

She had black hair.

And purple eyes.

And you were crazy
about her.

I kissed her once.

(CHUCKLES)

In the doorway
of the rabbi's building.

I thought I'd go to hell
for sure.

My God, she was beautiful.

Who'd she end up marrying?

I don't know.
She never became famous.

Well, good luck, hesh.

Um...

If you wanna have a drink,

Give me a call.
I'm at the plaza.

Make some more
good movies.

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

A voice like gold.
Listen, Harold.

It's beautiful, mom.

It's a gift from the gods.

Listen.

Oh, listen to this note.

(SNORING)

Listen, Bernie!
Listen!

I'm listening.
I'm listening.

Can you believe a human being
can make such a sound?

I'm getting goose bumps.

Are you getting
goose bumps, Bernie?

I'm getting hungry.
That's what I'm getting.

Shh.

Let me listen in peace.

Hmm.

Mom. Mom.

What, Harold?
What's the matter?

You look
like you saw a ghost.

I got... I got goose bumps.

Man alive, I got
the biggest set of goose bumps
you ever saw.

And never forget it, Harold.

That's what a human being
can make you feel.

(LAUGHING)

Here's your sleeping pills
and your gauloise.

And that'll be $17.95.

Well, thank you very much.
No bag.

Good luck
with The Pickle tonight,
Mr. Stone.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

FRANCOISE:
Harry! Harry!

Hey, kid.

I thought
you went back to Paris?

No.

I'm not gonna
go back to Paris that easy.

Buy me a drink.

We'll have one upstairs.

Oh, you never
take me anywhere.

Buy me a drink.

You look so beautiful.

Okay. Okay, okay, I'll buy you
a drink.

Let's go upstairs.

Harry.

You're not too old for me.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

I'm getting younger
by the minute.

ALL: Surprise!

ALL: Surprise!

ELLEN: We got you, Harry!

ALL: Surprise! Surprise!

Surprise!

Surprise!

Surprise!

Surprise!

(ALL CHEERING)

MAN: Surprise!

Surprise, Harry.

We're here to wish you well.

We got a winner.
I smell it big.

I know
you hate these things, pop,
but I had to do it.

It was all Gregory's
idea. He came for me
in a limousine.

It looked like a hearse.
(ALL LAUGHING)

We love you, Harry.
Molly sends a big kiss.

I'm Ellen,
your ex-wife.

Me, too.

Congratulations, Harry.
I'm David, your son-in-law.

Are you okay, Harry?

Oh, I wish
we'd had a photographer.

ELLEN:
Yeah, me, too.

YETTA: Oh, Harry,
cut the cake already.

ALL: Cut the cake!
Go for it.

ALL: (SINGING)
** For he's
a jolly good fellow

** For he's
a jolly good fellow

** For he's
a jolly good fellow **

Mom.

A toast to The Pickle.

ELLEN:
That's a good idea.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

PATTI: Make a speech.

(ALL CHATTERING)

ALL: (CHANTING)
Speech. Speech. Speech.

(WOMAN CHUCKLES)

Um,

thank you all for coming.

I really
would rather say something
after the movie, though.

I know you all love me,

but it's, uh, it's bad luck
to get cocky.

And besides,
isn't it getting late?

Oh, we have to go
right now.

We have to
get down to the theater.

Oh, we better
be moving out.

Come, come,
chop, chop.

It's gonna be terrific.

What's the matter,
you're not coming?

No, I never go
to my own previews.

We'll bring
the cards up to the room
when it's over.

I am so excited.
I can't even breathe.

See you later, Harry.

All right,
I love you, pop.

Love you, kid.

Okay.

Bye, boychick.

Good luck, papa.

Harry?
It's gonna be great.

Okay.

I'm gonna laugh a lot.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Maybe.

Are you okay? You okay?

Yeah, I couldn't be better.

Good luck.

Testing, one, two.
Testing, one, two,
three. Testing.

Hello, this is Harry Stone.

Today, I am a man.

(TAPE REWINDING)

HARRY: (ON TAPE)
Testing, one, two. Testing,
one, two, three. Testing.

Hello, this is Harry Stone.

Today, I am a man.

Dear friends
and beloved relatives.

That sounds stupid.

(SIGHS)

This message is
for all of you,

good friends and relatives.

I was surprised
to see you all here today.

It's almost like
you knew what I was
gonna do

and you came
to say goodbye.

I thought I was gonna
have to lie again.

But, no.

You came to
give me your love,

which you all have
done forever.

And what have I given back?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

What?

MAID: Chambermaid.

Would you like
your bed turned down?

No, thanks.

MAID: You want
your chocolates?

No.

Now, where was I?

Yeah.

What have I given back?

A lot of self-pity.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah?

WOMAN: (OVER PHONE) Mr. Stone,
you have some flowers.

I don't want any flowers.

Shall I send them up later?

Yes, send them up
in an hour.

Make it, make it two hours.

Yes, sir.

Mom, Carrie, Gregory...

I love you all.

But I realized today,
I'll never change.

I'll always be
a pain in the ass,
and I'm tired of it.

Ellen.

Ellen, I can only apologize
for today.

I'm just an animal.

I wish you
a long and happy life.

And, mom,
you're a prince of a mother.

I'm sorry
I haven't been there for you.

(SIREN WAILING)

Carrie, Gregory,
I love you both.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(SIGHS)

Gregory,

you're gonna
have a great career.

Keep the balance
I didn't have.

Love your work,
but don't love yourself
too much.

Mom,
did I say goodbye to you?

And, Patti...

(CHUCKLES)

We had some fun.

Francoise, promise me
you'll go right back to Paris.

Get a good guy your own age,

or maybe a little older.

But please
stay away from directors.

You're a great girl.

Hold it.

I got an idea.

Uh...

(LAUGHING)

I'll take my pressure
as I kiss off.

Take away the pressure.

(LAUGHING)
No more pressure.

(LAUGHING)

Who needs pressure?

Molly.

Did grandpa say goodbye?

I had a girlfriend
named Molly.

I was 16 years old.

Molly was a popular name
in those days.

Molly Goldberg,

Molly Picon,

Molly McGuire.

I had an Aunt Molly
and an Uncle Morris.

Actually,
she was my great-aunt
and he was my great-uncle.

Morris was a cantor.

What a voice. A tenor.

Could have sung opera.

A "cantor" is a singer,
Molly.

He sings for his supper.

And one fine day,

Uncle Morris sang at my

grandfather's funeral.

My zeda's funeral.

(SINGING IN HEBREW)

(SOBBING)

Oh, my father! My father!
Oh, God! My God!

Control yourself,
please, Yetta.

I loved him so much.

We all loved him.

Goodbye, zeda.

You're a good boy,
heshele.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah?

BUTCH: Heshele?
Yeah.

It's Butch.

What?

It's me, Butch.

You okay? You sound weird.

I was taking a nap.

You'd better wake up, hesh.

You got a hit on your hands.

We're on the last few minutes
and they love it.

Love it?

I gotta go, hesh.

(DIAL TONE BUZZING)

(RETCHING)

They're coming
to the last scene
in The Pickle.

I love you,
Molly-girl.

I love you, too.
You know that.

Then stay here
with me.

I can't.
I just can't.

Oh, Molly-girl.

I can't...

I can't spend
the rest of my life
eating meat.

As much as I love you,
the thought
makes me nauseous.

You'll get
used to it.

Please don't make this
any harder for me.

CLEM: Let's go, Molly-girl!

Molly-girl,
we have luminescence!

Maybe we can
find some way to...

To grow sprouts,
and... Soy beans,
and avocado.

God, if only you could.

We could have
such a good life
here in Cleveland.

I'm only 36.

I've got
13 good years ahead of me.

I'll never forget you.

(COW MOOING)

And thanks for the cow.

Goodbye, Molly-girl.

(CREAKING)

(CROWD SIGHING)

(SHUTTLE ENGINE ROARING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

MAN: It was a wonderful film.

Hello, baby.
My beautiful filmmaker.

Come here.
It's a monster hit!

It's a monster hit!

95 percent domestic,
for sure.

I loved it, Harry.

Thanks for the money,
Harry.

Congratulations, dad!

I can't wait to
have the cassette, Mr. Stone.

It's like Fellini crossed
with the Marx Brothers.

I'm not a critic,
but we loved it.

It wasn't so bad.
I laughed a lot.

Thanks.

You got a winner, hesh.

Thanks, Butch.
Butch!

I think Time magazine
will give us a cover.

What a movie, Mr. Stone.

HARRY:
Thanks, amigo.

Harry,
you're too young for me.

I loved your pickle, Harry.
It was very touching.

Even my teeth don't hurt.

You stop smoking, Harry.

Yes.

Come with me,
far from the madding crowd.

So, can we talk
about your next picture?

I got this idea
when I was taking a nap.

Oh, Cortes and Montezuma...

No, no,
forget, forget Cortes.

Cortes can wait.
It's a timeless story.

I wanna do
something about now.

Oh, I love now.

Yeah, I wanna do a story
about a father and son.

The father's been
living in Brazil,

but he comes back to New York
and he goes back to
his old neighborhood.

I wanna shoot it
in Brownsville, on location,
in black-and-white.

RONNIE:
I love black-and-white.

Citizen Kane was
in black-and-white.

The Third Man was
in black-and-white.
The Ox-Bow Incident,

8½, The Bicycle Thief,
La Strada,

they were all in
black-and-white.

(SHUTTLE ENGINE ROARING)