The Passionate Thief (1960) - full transcript

Alfredo!

Alfredo?!

Alfredo?

He's coming right now!

Alfredo?

Alfredo, it's Morretti.

I fixed you some lentils.

Eat them after midnight,

they bring good luck.

There's some wine and an orange.

It's small but very sweet.

How do you feel?

- I don't know.

Daddy, shall we break the piggy bank?

You break it at midnight.

As soon as the year ends.

No, we'll be sleeping.

Why? Celebrate the New Year without me.

Bye.

Alfredo, your bag.

No, we're not celebrating

anything without you.

At that time you'll be underground,...

I mean, in the subway.

We'll have some broth and then we'll

all go to bed... right, children?

We'll celebrate tomorrow with you.

Good night Alfredo.

Bye.

- And happy New Year.

Happy ending...

Mother, take the meat off the fire!

Assuntine,

go down the cafe and telephone...

uncle Francesco,

uncle Pasquale and aunt Cesira.

Tell them we're expecting them,

and to bring the eel, and plenty.

You break the piggy bank

so we can play bingo.

It smells so good!

Delicious! - Poor Alfredo! Well,

what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Better!

Colombini, did you take a count?

- What count?

I thought about it at the bus stop.

How many are we for dinner?

Well, easy to say.

Myself...

13!

Right! A New Year's eve dinner with 13.

"I'll take care of it.

I'll organise it."

An idiot like you can't organise!

Well, I made a mistake.

Even priests make mistakes, no?

- So? What do we do?

We'll fix things up somehow, and

find a good soul to be the 14th.

So late? It's after

8 o'clock you know?

Let's bring Pannocchia.

Give it a try.

- He's so ugly!

Will you come to dinner?

- No!

Why not to dinner with us?

I already have an invitation!

Take that!

Listen to that!

Who invited you?

That's my business, OK?

It's not okay!

Well then... work!

It's 8.00, almost 8.05, so I'm leaving!

I don't have time to waste. Goodbye.

He's funny, he makes me laugh.

What now?

I have an idea...

Let's call Tortorella.

Who's that?

Tortorella! Gioia...

She's always alert, always available.

I'll call Mimi.

She sees her at Cinecitta.

Tell her to bring her share,

cause I'm not paying for anyone, huh?

Miracle, miracle!

Pediconi!

Take out the 3rd from the left!

Does he look like he's had a miracle?

Me?

- Yes, you!

The director is right.

This is a mystic scene.

He's even cautioned, boss!

Tortorella, speak for yourself,

or I'll slug you in the face!

Come on, be quiet!

Tortorella is right.

Sure, she's always right!

And you all, do like she does...

she's gives her whole self. Ready!

That man has to stop moving his hands.

Let's hurry. After this scene

we'll all go home to celebrate.

Ready then? Look out for the watches.

Ready?

Pediconi, good boy,

go take St Zeno's place.

Damn him!

Action!

Look at me, I'm St Zeno.

The lions don't tear me apart.

They're moving back. Miracle!

Miracle, miracle!

Stop. Okay, that's enough.

See you tomorrow!

Goodnight everyone.

Happy New Year!

Stop!

Keep quiet!

I didn't put the sandals on.

Here's the tunic.

Gimme a hand!

- Here!

Are you in a hurry?

- I'll miss my bus.

Darn it!

I've put on weight.

- I think so!

What are you doing tonight?

- What I'm doing?

I have an invitation from whatshisname...

Then maybe something else too.

I have yet to decide.

You're still with that accountant?

Who? Capecchi?

It's over, he wasn't my type.

His wife caught him and beat him up!

Say, why did you ask me

what I am doing tonight?

Well, just so...

- Why? Say!

I wanted to ask you to come with us.

Who's "us"?

A nice group of people.

But if you're busy...

I'll cancel, ok?

Have you got a nice dress?

- I've bought an evening gown...

for the inaugration of the film

"Night at the Grand Hotel".

What are you wearing on top?

You can't imagine what foxes!

OK then.

Let's meet at 10 at the Esedra fountain.

Look at what condition my fur is in!

At 10?

- Yes, 10.

Look, between one thing and another

it's 8,000 lira per person.

These are sophisticated people.

I have an idea for tonight...

- Say, say!

I want to have my hair....

no, I won't tell you.

New Year, new life!

Good!

Maybe tonight you'll find the right man.

I wish the right angel

would come by and say "Amen"!

I'm going.

The "Nuns of Monza" are coming.

I'm late!

Bye!

10 at Piazza Esedra.

Alright!

Hi there!

Hi Spizzico. You're punctual.

Spizzico is always punctual.

The agreement is clear.

Gold and jewels.

Stuff that can be melted.

No voluminous stuff, I won't take it.

I don't go to ballrooms

for mattresses and blankets!

Small size stuff, don't worry.

His work is high class.

Do you have a cigarette?

Give him a cigarette.

Come on.

How do you pay?

Well!

Tell him, what did you bring last time?

Diamonds so big

they looked like peach kernels.

Paid how?

Like peach kernels!

Pecori', we're talking business.

So don't play the fool!

Never mind!

Did you find me a helper?

Spizzico asked me,

but I can't tonight.

I'm having dinner with my sick father.

How's he going to eat if he's sick!

Does he have tapeworm?

It's not easy, you know?

You even want someone in a blue suit.

I spread the word.

There aren't many people

suited for high class places.

And those few don't trust you.

They don't know you.

I've been away.

- Or inside?

They told you not to play the fool!

I've been abroad 3 years.

We know it.

You're smart!

The idea of making the rounds

of the nightclubs is a good idea.

Excellent, indeed!

Why don't you go alone?

- I pick up and pass on.

I don't keep the stuff on

me. It's a nervous thing.

If I don't pass it on immediately,

I'm sunk.

Want a good looking guy?

Clean record, in a tailcoat?

Umberto Pennazzuto.

- Who? "Accident?"

Why not?

Why not?

"Accident"? Who is that?

A guy who's an extra in Cinecitt?.

And every time he has an accident,

just to get medical insurance.

Then, he's a beggar.

Who did you want as assistant,

Dante Alighieri?

Well?

Gotta clear the room!

Dancing, tonight!

You won't protest,

with 3 months rent late, right?

Pennazzuto, telephone.

- There he is! - Coming!

Hello? Spizzico who?

Oh yes. Hi.

Of course I have a dinner jacket.

What sort of work is it?

And you call that work?!

I know, but it's not for me.

It's not that I'm afraid...

It's just not my kind of work.

Besides, I'm busy.

Yes, a lady.

All considered, it's not worth it.

Sorry. If I change my mind, I'll call.

Happy New Year. Goodbye.

Well, well!

You're even refusing work now?

30 lire!

I am the big director Cecil B. Demille.

I want to speak to the

famous actress Tortorella.

Umberto, stop it,

Cecil B DeMille is even dead.

You recognised me, huh?

But you almost fell for it, no?

Yeah, OK.

I had a great idea!

Shall we spend the evening together?

Hello?

Tortorella are you there?

I mean, are you there?

I was saying,..

shall we spend New Year's together,

like last year? It brings us luck!

Good luck?

I've never seen a year like this one.

Thinking it over,

maybe it was you who gave the jinx!

Don't get angry.

Anyway, I'm busy.

Yes, I'm going out with friends.

Couldn't I come too?

I don't know... yes... maybe.

I'm warning you,

it's 8,000 lire per person.

Are you there?

Well, goodnight, and happy New Year.

Night.

He even made me get cold.

30 lire.

Tortorella, get me the hot water bottle.

You're leaving me all alone.

- Be patient.

Patient what?

Look what you're doing!

Grandpa it's late!

I just need the hairdryer.

Watch out for the casserole.

Oh, my lentils!

Don't get angry.

- Sure, I'm angry!

Darn that Umberto, he made me late!

What Umberto! Darn you!

- Darn him!

You'd better leave!

Go on, go dancing and leave me alone!

Damn, how hot!

It runs on normal or industrial current?

What happened Tortorella?

It's OK now!

Hey, did the valves go off?

What do we do now?

- Grandpa!

The valves went off, see?

I can't see a thing!

We've got to fix them.

I'm not moving from here.

I don't have my slippers.

How, you're not moving!

Don't make a fuss.

Come on, it's late, i'll take you.

No, don't hit me!

Be good!

I'm strong, hold onto me.

Hold onto me!

Boy you're heavy!

Are you crazy? - Are you nuts?

Want to kill us on New Year's?

You're even being humourous!

- What's up? - We are 13!

Tortorella said she was coming.

- Yes, but Amapola is not.

She got an infection from an injection.

That big! - Got that?

Dumb of me to trust you!

You shouldn't have invited Tortorella.

Dumb alright!

What you saying?

If you didn't bug me we were 13

I wouldn't have called her.

Tortorella is staying home.

Mim?, go call her.

Are you crazy? Now?

You could've thought of it before.

Why, what time is it?

It's almost 10.05.

- 10.05?

So, it's past 10.

You know what's new?

Let's hurry!

Goodnight.

This isn't the Trevi fountain,

you know?

Where is Trevi fountain?

Darn it! How do you say...?

Damn bitch!

- Hey! That's not very nice!

Damn b... now I'm saying it!

Maybe I'm at the wrong fountain too.

Good evening, sorry about the delay.

Excuse me, are you Lello?

What are you wearing?

Why?

- You're asking why?

Of course I say why!

When Spizzico called me, he said to

wear a dinner jacket. And what's this?

You look like a waiter!

- Oh no, dear friend!

At a grand evening, a real gentleman

wears a tuxedo if he wants to be noticed.

That's how it is, my friend!

Aside from the fact that you should

go unnoticed, almost invisible,..

does a real gentleman

go out without a coat?

I have one, but it's brown,

and it clashes with my tuxedo.

This way I look like a gentleman

that's just gotten out of his car.

Let me tell you.

I am an authority on men's elegance!

Do you know what to do?

- More or less.

You must stay near me, but without

showing that we know each other.

I must put what I pick into your pocket.

But how can I if you don't have one?

- It's alringt! I have a secret pocket!

I used this tuxedo when I worked

with the magician Castelli.

Look at me.

So, I'll leave the night club

and wait for you outside. Right?

No, it's not right! Go to the bathroom

and hide the objects in the flush tank.

Clear? Then come back to me. The ticket.

- You took care of everything!

I'm going ahead. Come in

in 5 minutes and stay by the 3rd pillar.

What pillar?

- 3rd pillar to the right, got it?

Stay there until I signal you.

In 5 minutes. You got a watch?

- No. - Then count to 500.

What manners!

Umberto!

Umberto!

Go on there.

It's Tortorella.

Tortorella? Are you blonde?

Looks good, huh? - How pretty!

You know who you look like?

Kim Novak.

- And you look like a crow, instead.

...58, 59, 60...

- What are you doing?

I was saying...you're blonde!

- You already said that.

Are you going with your friends?

Yes... no, because of you!

- Because of me?

Your phone call delayed me so much...

and I was late to the meeting point.

Happy now?

I went to the Hungarian restaurant,

but they weren't there either.

I'm glad!

Why, are...

are you alone too?

Yes.

Then let's go have a good time together.

I could slap myself in the face.

I'd break my head!

I could punch myself in the eye. - Why?

I was born with the jinx!

- I know this!

How? You're free, and I'm...

I shouldn't tell you...

I have an engagement here.

Who with? With a "femme"?

- More or less.

And you would kick yourself for that?

If you care to be with me,

let's go in anyway, and when comes..

the lady,..

we'll take turns dancing with you.

Come on, hurry! - No!

Listen! Let's go somewhere else.

Let's have a pizza, huh?

I'm not even supposed to see her?

What a gem she must be!

I won't throw a jealous fit.

She can't be worse than what I imagine!

Let's go inside and I'll leave you

alone when I see all my friends.

I want to have a good time tonight.

- Lady! What about me?

Pay the taxi!

Who, me?

- Yes you!

How much?

- 1.000.

Hurry.

It's all the cold

I caught at the fountain.

Look for a table. - Unfortunately

I can't move from this pillar.

Are you crazy?

- I may be, but I cannot move from here.

Look for a table. When your girlfriend

comes, you get up and call her.

I can't. The date is here.

We're not going to stand here like

two idiots. Come on!

Then, you look for the table!

How rude! You're sending a

lady to look for it? Move!

No, I can't. - Umberto,

we're amidst the crowd. Come on, move.

Alright, I'll go,

but don't move from here.

Don't move from here, and hold the pillar.

Otherwise someone might take it away!

What a character.

Ladies and gentlemen, please!

Some silence!

We continue the lottery.

Please, some silence!

In the interest of all!

Silence, please.

We will continure our lottery.

For people who have just arrived,

we repeat that..

the numbers drawn correspond to

the numbers on the entrance tickets.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Did someone come for me?

- No, not even the mail.

But someone arrived for me.

If you're not careful,

they'll kidnap me.

Did you find a table?

- No, everything's taken.

Because you're a ham!

You want to bet I'll find one?

Then find one!

Listen, if you want to

get rid of me just say so.

I didn't look for you.

I can find plenty of men...

There's one that's been

staring at me for half an hour.

He's young and handsome.

You boor!

The lovely Miss Ruoppolo,..

daughter of our member, Mr Eugenio,..

is about to draw the number

for the lucky winner of the 3rd prize!

...and Mrs. Trotta: why, do you want it?

We've got to tell that to

Di Nepi! Where did he go?

So, the first number drawn,..

will be entitled to the third prize.

The second number to the second prize,

and so on.

Is it clear?

Is it clear to all?

Pardon me, I'd like to take a look.

Pardon me.

Just one moment.

No, I can't see him. Where is he?

Di Nepi?

The number is... 61!

Where is De Nepi? Find him.

Please check your entrance ticket!

I repeat: 61!

I got it!

Umberto, we have the 61!

Here it is!

The 61!

You win a 70% discount coupon for..

the Notargiacomo leather store.

Please gentlemen, come up here.

And a bottle of champagne

of the "Tiraboschi" company...

courtesy of

Mr Vincenzo Tiraboschi.

A big round of applause for

Mr Vincenzo Tiraboschi.

The lucky winners are none other than

Mr & Mrs...?

Umberto Pennazzuto

and Gioia Fabbricotti.

I'm Pennazzuto and she's Fabbricotti.

In the commerce business?

- No, actors.

Actors? How come we didn't know?

Then you're guests of honour.

Cinema or theatre actors?

- Cinema, theatre, variety, everything.

Soon we'll be on television.

Don't think you're getting

away with just that.

No, we get away with just that.

A little song or maybe a duet?

We can't miss such

an opportunity, can we?

Ok, thank you.

Silence please.

Mr Buzzicotto and Mrs Fabbricotti...

Miss, please.

Miss Fabbricotti will now perform...?

We'll decide on it now.

Excuse me, we must talk it over.

There he is!

Di Nepi, come here!

At last!

Listen to this one, it's hilarious...

May I use this little hat?

Ready, maestro?

My pin!

Oh God, where is my pin?!

Out with the pin, no tricks.

But this is crazy!

- Can't anything be done...?

Lady, here it is.

It was near the plant.

Silence please, gentlemen.

- Gentlemen, we are artists!

There's a lady, it's not nice!

Please, maestro.

Geppina, smoky girl,

Has a head with a turned up nose,

Her love is called nobody,

And she often goes around in a tutu.

Geppina acts like the sun at night,

and during the day she paints it blue

Geppina, the more she lives

and the more she dies,

You see her... and then no more!

Geppina, Gepi, your voice.

Geppina, Gepi, your light.

You are so strange but, I like you.

I like you, I like you, the way you are.

I want you.

Only you.

Only you.

Oh God, he's here!

Here's to you, with

all our compliments and best wishes.

Listen, since you are so kind,

could you find us a table?

Don't have a table? - No.

- We arrange immediately!

Thank you, you're very kind.

- Waiter!

A table for the lady and gentleman...

and top service!

For two?

- Thank you!

You're hurting me. - If you don't

obey me I'll really hurt you.

I couldn't leave the lady alone.

She's a colleague.

Go put it in the toilet right away.

- Yessir,..

but what?

What I put in your tux!

Umberto!

We're invited. We have...

- Where is it?

We have a table!

You lost something? - No, nothing...

- What happened?

I know what happened,

but some day you'll know too.

Let's go.

Are you crazy? We've got a table now.

- Listen to me, let's go.

Listen, don't be a boor. Don't ruin

my evening. The waiter is coming.

Are you having dinner?

- No. - Yes.

Yes.

- We dine, yes. We do.

10,000. - What?

- 5,000 lire per person, a la carte.

It wasn't an invitation then.

Oh, we...Wait a minute.

Excuse us, huh?

Don't you have the 10,000? - No.

I paid the taxi. - What a bum you are!

You've ruined my evening. Jerk!

I'm truly sorry, but the gentleman

was just reminding me that..

we have another invitation

I'd forgotten about. - It happens.

Some other time.

Please be so kind as to..

give my thanks to the

organisers, and...it's too bad!

Thank you!

- Goodbye.

How can you embarass me like that?

Take off that hat!

Are we going?

Walk!

What manners!

Don't touch me!

The raincoat please.

Number 94.

What did you say? - 94.

94!

You don't even have

10,000 lousy lire on New Year's Eve?

Now tell me where we will spend

midnight, alone in the street. Tell me.

You even do the gentleman,

inviting people!

I was an idiot to fall for it.

I could have stayed there,

I'd already found company.

What gentleman?

You're a real party pooper.

Everything goes wrong with you!

It's damn cold, too!

So the lack of money is a fault?

You must blame society, not me!

The society of dogcatchers,

that didn't catch you yet!

Your hand off, or I'll chop it! - Listen,

if I didn't know you, I'd be offended!

Well, you don't know me!

Go ahead and be offended, once for all!

You're always nervous! - Leave me alone!

Come on, let's make peace.

I'll treat you a nice pizza!

You got the money?

What?

- Do you have money?

Listen, I've got to tell you something

Umberto. I'm really fed up!

I've been offering you pizzas and

cappucchino for 20 years!

What law says I have to do that?

The law of gratitude. - What gratitude?

- I launched your acting career.

You launched me?

Go to...

I'd better keep quiet!

Look who's here!

Umberto, Colombini!

Look who's there!

Hey, you fools!

Come on, we'll have a great New Year's.

Good evening.

Good evening everyone!

Didn't you tell me

'at the Esedra fountain'?

There's company! Whew, we're 14!

- Tortorella, bring your friend too.

May I? Come on!

- Me?

Mimi, you know him, introduce him.

Gentlemen, Umberto Pennazzuto.

- Pleased. We're all friends here!

Good evening everybody! - Ladies

head of the table! - Thank you so much.

Well guys,

why don't you tell me what happened?

I waited an hour! - How's that possible?

So did we! - And how!

At piazza Esedra?

- No! No.

Not exactly at piazza Esedra.

We had said at the entrance,

in front of the church. - There!

No, sorry.

Mimi said in front of the fountain.

Well, church, fountain... - And then,

I was there too, but you were not!

I looked all over for you.

At the Hungarian restaurant,

at the Grand Hotel...

Well, all's well that ends well.

Okay fettuccine for you? - Sure!

- Two fettuccine, abundant!

Today has been really rewarding,

I'm really happy.

Oh, didn't I tell you? The director

complimented me in front of everyone,..

for the miracle scene.

A very difficult scene.

All inner sufferings,..

with moving words, "Miracle, miracle!".

And then,

our eyes were supposed to cry out.

Eyes cry out?

Yes, in short, to have in your eyes

a light...a speaking light, there!

They didn't notice the hair.

- Right, it's true!

Hey, haven't you noticed

anything strange about me?

I'm blonde, no?

True! We didn't notice!

How is it?

I look good, no?

You're a darling!

There he is again!

-Who? - Don't look back!

Don't look now,

but up at the window,..

there's a young man who's

been following me all night.

He's cute, uh?

Umberto! Don't look back now.

Behind there's a young man

who was staring at me at Milleluci.

You expect me to invite him in?

You saw?

Tortorella, I've thought it over...

There's that woman outside

that was looking for me.

I need to go and talk to her.

It's not nice on my side.

What? - I have to go.

You don't need me, you got company now.

As you wish, you're free.

Ladies, excuse me. Happy New Year.

Where are you going? - Are you leaving?

No, you can't go!

What you doing?

You're tearing my tail!

You're not moving from here.

Go to your place!

Why?

- Cant't you see we're 13?!

That's why you dumped me

at piazza Esedra!

Tortorella, don't be such a bore!

- Oh, even?

Umberto...

Umberto, slap him and tell them

they are rude and ignorant.

At this hour?

- Don't do such a fuss now!

Ah, no fuss, huh?

Ignorant boors, that's what you are!

Who cares about you?

Who asked you anything?

It was this nitwit

who begged me to come.

And for only thanks,

you leave me in the street!

Look, you!

You'll be a nitwit!

Hey, big horse, you'd better get lower!

If you fall you strike oil!

Out with the cigarette case!

Don't get smart with me!

Where did you put it?

I don't have it, it dropped. - I could

break your arm, you know? - I know!

Don't be a villain.

I'm in a delicate situation.

I'm with a respectable lady.

Listen!

Spizzico would've given me 10,000 lire!

Now you owe me!

- Alright!

As soon as I find 10,000

it'll be my care!

And don't push!

- Walk! - Who?!

I'm through, my dear friend.

I've had enough fun tonight.

I didn't even have dinner!

I can't replace you at this time

at night, and I need a support.

So hurry up, and don't drag your feet!

- Even! - And tuck your shirt in. Move!

Young men!

Umberto! - Who's that? - What, you leave me alone?

Allow me,..

Miss Gioia Fabbricotti, Mr Lello,

an acquaintance.

Pleased to meet you.

And you, did you leave those people?

- Of course, they're so rude.

I have never been treated so badly.

Tortorella, why do you get angry?

They're the ones that should be ashamed.

They're not worthy to kiss the ground

you walk on, I tell you!

You're right. And then

your friend isn't interested in this.

What are you doing, taking a walk?

I was passing by and we met.

Oh, passing by?

Always passing by, your friend.

- So, what shall we do?

Right. We're not going to

spend midnight out in the cold, are we?

What's on the gentleman's mind? - Well,

since I met him, I'll go along with him.

Well, he's with me,

so we'll all go together, no?

How nice! - Tortorella, it's not...

- Do you like to dance?

Tortorella, it's not the case!

- Umberto...

Umberto, be good. There are 4 cardinal

points, you pick one and go that way.

Go look for that girlfriend of yours,

she's been waiting all night.

How boring!

We're going by ourselves.

The two of us, poor derelicts!

Got an idea! Why don't we go to EUR?

Wonderful! They say that

last year there were 3 orchestras.

Yes! - Let's go Umberto. Come on!

Just to dance? - Let's take

the subway, 3 stops and we're there.

Hurry,

or midnight will catch us in the street!

Get the tickets. - I've got no change!

- Each his own. - I won't permit it.

It took New Year's Eve to see the subway.

You know, I'd never seen it before.

What Romans we are!

Will you tell me why you left Milleluci?

- What do you think?

Crazy!

Sit down, lady.

Sit down.

Stop, stop!

It was you, huh?

You did it on purpose!

Ugly coward!

I've got to get 50,000 lire by tomorrow.

Come on, let's go!

Don't push me.

- Go on!

Hurry up or you'll be spending

New Year's in a hospital bed.

I'm here!

Quiet!

I'm here, huh?

I'm here!

No, I don't get off here!

I continue. I go on!

Mr Lello...

Mr Lello?

Open this door, will you?

I say, will you stop, please? Stop!

Is it so hard to do?

We can't. - Why?

- Did you miss your stop?

I lost my friends, they couldn't get on

with that crowd. Stop, will you?

I heard two mean yelling.

Oh yes?

Did you see?

Excuse me, where do you have to go?

- To EUR.

But this train doesn't go to EUR!

We all made mistakes tonight.

Poor things! They surely realised

that this was the wrong train.

You could've told me

they were calling me, no?

But,

how could I know they were with you?

Excuse me, I don't want to meddle..

but if they had to go to EUR,..

the lady can get the train going

in the opposite direction.

Right?

- No, wrong.

Because this is the last run, and

the train goes straight to the depot.

What bad luck tonight.

Everything's gone wrong.

Everything's gone wrong.

Excuse me, but can't you stop?

Be kind, no?

It's not a matter of kindness.

It's that we're underground!

I understand...we're like weasels.

My lady,

that's how we're going to end up!

Well!

At least we'll be among happy people!

Are they crazy?

- That's the custom.

On New Year's Eve,

out the window old things must leave!

Under here, quick!

Damn them!

How shameful!

What do the police do?!

This is because we hurt Tortorella.

- She's probably better off than us.

She's certainly found good company,

and is having fun.

Cheer up madam.

Look at us!

Happy New Year to you too, my friend.

Let's kiss.

Look where I ended up!

Excuse me.

Would you like some lentils, Madam?

No, thanks. - Try them, my wife made them.

Yes, but I have an upset stomach. - They

are really good, with celery, onion...

Thank you, but I really can't.

Not even a taste?

- No, thank you.

Look where I had to finish the year!

It's crazy!

Listen, lady.

- Yeah...

I wanted to tell you that at the depot,

I have a friend who's a biker.

He lives at the EUR. If I ask him,

he'll take you there in 10 minutes.

Because, if you look for a taxi,

it'll take you at least an hour.

At least!

You are very kind! Really kind!

And, tell me, how long will it take

before we get to the depot?

We're already there!

Damn it!

Come on, it stopped raining.

It rains again.

What's he doing now?

What's he doing?

When are you arriving, for Easter?

What's he saying?

- Dunno!

Sure buddy! He wants us to move

the rubbish with the steamroller.

Easier said!

The machine is not ours.

Of course, of course.

It doesn't matter,

we'll be glad to help you anyway.

Right Umberto? - Are you nuts?

- We'll swipe the bundle.

We'll clean everything!

Lots of work!

Let's take off our jackets, huh?

Are you mad?

Take off your jacket,

so he'll do the same.

Take off your jacket.

You, no take off ... jacket?

We...take off...jacket.

When we put on the clothes, you

make him talk, and I'll slip off his...

Stop! - My jacket! - Thief!

Bastard!

My jacket!

He's an international thief!

Did you see what happened?

- What, now it's my fault? I knew it!

I'll catch pneumonia.

- What are you doing? - I'm warming up.

Wait, there's more.

Here he is! May you get a stroke!

- Come on, amigos!

Everyone to the EUR !

Are you ready?

Come on, wake up!

Now we'll look for a table down there.

In this crowd,

I'll take even his pants off!

We'll take a table over there.

I forgot my cigarettes in my coat.

I'll be right back.

Sorry?

You, me,

dance!

Fisherman!

You got that?

The wallet's tied with a chain.

It's all foreign propaganda about us.

How embarassing.

Poor Italy!

What do you care about Italy?

If he sticks to that nymphet,

we're ruined.

So, what can you do?

- Must separate them.

And how? He prefers the nymphet to us.

Call him stupid!

Let's see

what her escort thinks about it.

See? There he is. Go tell him.

- Me?!

Yessir! Hurry up, go!

- But, I say...!

Ah, waiter... - How dare you!

Don't you see I'm wearing a white tie?

So?

- So, keep yourself up-to-date!

Excuse me, huh?

Forgive me if I'm intruding in matters

that shouldn't be my concern,..

but, you know, when you see

some not-too-orthodox attitudes,..

by certain people who are,

in a way, considered "guests",..

these are things that hurt!

Everyone!

They degrade! They hurt!

You understand me?

- No. Everybody who?

Us all!

Us Italians!

Do you see what that man is doing?

If you didn't notice, then look.

But what do you care?

Pardon! If that is the way things are,

I make amends!

If things are that way,

can it be that ends badly!

That American is our friend,

and we don't want him to be tricked.

It seems you guys

didn't come to an agreement.

I didn't understand if you are

with the Americans or the Italians.

I said what I had to say.

And I say, why worry?

The girl won't spoil your friend.

In less than an hour

she'll give him back to you as such.

How much does your twinkie want?

Fianc?e, please...

Her fare is 20,000, but tonight is a

holiday, she might charge more.

That's true. Then let's say,

50,000 for you and the rest for us.

What do you mean, the rest for you?

Here, if I understand, it's a matter

of making a thorough lightening.

Exactly!

Then the normal fee does not apply.

If Milena must achieve full

expropriation, it's a different story.

Milena doesn't do these things,

it's risky.

Okay, let's do...half and half.

I'm putting the girl. What do you put?

- The precedence.

But I'm putting the suffering too.

- But which?

Listen to that!

Why, you think

that what Milena does, pleases me?

If it weren't for necessity...

Everytime I suffer.

I even get sick!

Do we take this into account?

Take it or leave it!

Or I'll tell the American to watch out.

Ok, I want to be generous tonight!

But now we've got to advise Milena

without alarming the American.

You, come with me.

Go.

Milena, the subject is full of dough.

- I know, I can feel it.

Bring him to the 'Romeo and Juliet'

pension, complete service. - Complete?

You want a new oven, don't you?

Do as I tell you.

Maybe we can get a TV set as well.

Good night!

- Good night.

Waiter!

Waiter!

Can't you see the white...

- For the bill!

Certainly!

Good news!

The g..l is alr...y ... move.

The girl is already on the move.

I know, he already told me.

- They're leaving.

Here it is.

This pays for the cigarette case!

Madam, we have arrived.

- One moment, I have to melt first!

Madam, what's the matter?

- I'm ankylosed. - You feel bad?

No, no... - Wait, I'll help you.

- I'm all stiff!

Just a moment. Oh God, I'm falling!

Lady!

What's the matter?

Come, I'll help you.

Careful.

It's the cold.

Come on, come on!

Do you feel better?

I'm still cold, just a moment.

But please don't hit me again.

Don't worry, I wont.

- Please don't!

See? You feel better?

Help me take the newspapers off.

How do you feel... better?

Thank you so much, you are very kind.

Hurrah for life!

What car have you got?

- A little station wagon. But it runs!

This way.

Tortorella!

And how did she do?

Didn't find the Trevi fountain.

Look who it is!

Are we going to spend winter here?

Do you see Tortorella?

No, I can see the American car leaving!

Move, quick!

That bastard! . Where did he go?

- What happened? - What do I know?

Some crazy woman showed up, he hugged

her, threw her in the car and they left.

A blonde wearing fox?

- Yes.

Who the hell is it?

- I know who!

Hurry, let's go.

Where did they go?

What do I know?

- Put your foot down!

Slow down!

I said slow down!

At least close the windows.

I'm afraid we lost him for good!

Goodbye oven!

I'm afraid so.

- Where can they be?

Go straight then turn left.

- Why?

Listen to me, turn left.

- Got an idea? - I want to go home!

I want to go to sleep.

- You stay here!

And you, drive!

Straight!

Oh God, he's gone crazy!

He's gone crazy!

What bath?

You've gone crazy?

All Americans bathe in the fountain.

- He saw it at the movies!

No, mister, it's not true.

A bunch of lies. You mustn't believe it!

If you get wet, you get cold

and you'll get a stroke.

Stroke...infarct...heart attack.

Whoever sent him?

- Warm!

All I needed was

a drunk American tonight!

What good luck? This is not the Ganges!

Damn the movies!

Finally!

We've been chasing you for a half hour!

We saw you in EUR, and then you vanished.

We caught the wrong subway. - I know!

But I see you are in good company now.

God forbid! He's a drunk American,

and wants to bathe in the fountain.

Wants to bathe! Go on!

I'll take care of it.

Let him do, lady! It's alright!

The cops are used to this, don't worry.

Must take the jacket off before!

- Jacket?

Jacket, got it?

- That's right, no good jacket wet!

Ahh, the old man with the tails!

You, me, dive in.

You gotta be nuts!

Bathe, nude.

What nude!

If you get undressed, he will too.

- You're out of your mind!

Take it off!

- Hands off!

Guys, let's not exaggerate.

We're not abroad here!

The Pope lives here, so let's be decent.

- It's only a game, lady!

What game! He doesn't even

bathe at home! He'll die for sure!

Come on, go away, get out of here!

- Keep your hands off orangutan!

What the...?

You and me, you go, I go.

We old men, strong.

I'm leaving!

Listen, you!

I said take off your jacket!

I don't give a damn, understand?

OK! Naked, naked, naked, all naked!

- Help, let go! I'll call the cops!

Yes, him naked too, don't worry.

Pants!

- Not the pants!

Pants!

- Don't touch my pants!

But you take off your jacket.

- No, no, no!

No, first he takes off the pants.

No, I won't take my pants off.

I never got undressed!

Hold it, there!

Is he crazy?!

Well? What are you doing?

- What the hell do you want?

Ego sum...American citizen!

Well, OK, OK! Put on your pants now!

He's resisting us!

Let's get him to the station

where he can sober up.

Move!

So!

Are you happy now?

Not again!

You ruined my evening! So tell me,

are you happy now? - Me?

Yes!

You and that nitwit.

That's why they call you "accident".

So, that's how they call me?

- Yessir! You bring bad luck.

Yes, I bring bad luck!

I'm unlucky! Where I walk,

not a blade of grass grows!

You know who I am?

I'm like Attila! So, stay away from me!

I'll swollen you!

- Let go!

I'll kill you!

Young men!

Why are are you arguing?

Why did you run off?

I fixed everything.

Keep calm and don't worry.

I understood he was a dangerous fool.

So I called the cops.

So, it was You? - Sure!

- It's a joke, she didn't call anyone.

Of course I did!

The police station is near here.

But let's forget about it, it's still early.

What shall we do, Lello?

Tortorella,

take the night bus and go home!

Umberto, go away!

What can we do?

I'll show you now!

I'm on fire!

Criminals!

Delinquents!

Behind!

Take a look!

Oh God, what is it?

They nearly killed me!

- It's nothing! - Look there!

Who lives up there?

- What do I know?

I have an idea. - Yeah,

bust their faces! - I have an idea!

It's like winning the lottery.

- What lottery? Come on!

Listen, come here...

My ear drum!

The ear drum! Burnt fur,

injured ear drum. Severe damages!

I want your names,

to give to my lawyer...

and have him settle the matter.

We'll send the fur to prove

the damages suffered by us.

Terribly sorry. We'd better see

injuries and damages immediately.

Oh, they believe it!

I think they won't pay a penny!

Lady injured?

- I can't hear, you know?

Have you heard?

Lady can't hear!

So, damages must be paid.

Just a moment professor!

Forgive me dear.

I understand your reaction but calm down.

Even a headache! - I think the blow just

deafened her temporarily. Right dear?

Yes dear! - All she needs

is a drink to feel better, and..

you'll be certainly happy

to offer a cognac and your apologies.

Don't listen to him, do as I say.

Now stop it. Just think,

if they realise what's going on...

Well then, Professor,

if you will bring your wife inside...

My wife?

- I'm not his wife.

She's my wife.

Thank you!

Listen,

what's the idea?

Be quiet and thank me for saving you

from the question of damages.

It was a good idea. Let's go away.

- You crazy?

You go! I've been telling you all night.

How embarassing with those beggar ideas

of yours. - Right! You're quite right!

You're a mummer!

A mummer.

Let's behave like educated people.

Look what a lovely crowd it is.

And what a rich house!

She must be an ex-queen.

There are a lot of them around.

I hope you didn't hurt yourself,..

madam.

Tell me something,..

why did you say I was your wife?

There's a slight age difference.

I could be your older sister.

Sister? Don't be ridiculous!

I don't understand.

Isn't it clear enough?

In revenge for the bad fireworks,

would you like to fire all the flares?

What? Oh, yes!

I'll light them all though, huh?

Well!

Put my purse somewhere, they won't steal

it here. I don't think there's any thief!

Thank you.

It isn't dangerous, huh?

Listen, you,..

you came into this house..

hiding yourself behind a lady,

who is a very dear friend of mine.

Be careful, huh?

And remember, these are Germans.

I know how terrible the Nazis can be.

I'll report you to the police!

All I have to do

is tell Tortorella one word, and...

What will our friends say?

When they know

we didn't steal anything in this house!

Who cares?

You know what? You're a fucking bastard

You take advantage

of the fact that I can't do it alone.

Yes, i'm taking advantage of it!

I left the theatre for cinema.

Now cinema takes up all of my time, so...

so!

Last year I made a very beautiful film.

It's a film you should know,

it's about your country.

I remember they were all tall

and good looking like you.

Ziegfreid!

Very beautiful.

This evening I left work at 8,

just in time to get ready.

He should be in movies. Yes.

I'll speak to my director about it.

He's got a face,..

a face that goes through the screen.

Why are you laughing, stupid?

I agree with your idea, gentlemen!

For actors, the theatre

is an important school! No road, no, no!

I was on stage at 14

as assistant to a great comedian.

Then I went on

to be a star for all my life.

Do you know that theatre play..

"The wagon-lit controller"?

Umberto, dear, you think these people

are interested in that stuff?

Pardon, Fr?ulein

- This is vaudeville stuff, forget it!

What a lovely house.

So many lights!

I feel like I'm in the Vatican.

Really! I feel also...I feel also..

a strange emotion,madam, because

it reminds me of when I saw the Pope.

If you would like to look around, be

my guest! - May we? - Yes. - Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Shall we go?

Thank you so much.

Umberto, gotta leave us alone now, huh?

Do you like classical music?

You know what I like.

I'm afraid..

that all this champagne on an empty

stomach is going to make my head spin.

I drank little, but my head..

is spinning too.

He insists!

Look, I've got it!

All the better.

Who would ever imagined...

to begin the year with a husband...

in a house filled with princes!

Mamma mia!

You had a great idea to invite us in.

Look.

You know that a little thing like this..

is worth a bunch of 10,000 bills?

No kidding?

Look at all this stuff!

The paintings!

The stuff!

Look at this, Lello!

No!

It's too big.

There it is, my true passion!

Small stuff, and beautiful.

How I understand you!

I like them too.

Especially because it's useless.

After all,

you can tell a gentleman by this.

By their passion for useless things.

You're not stupid, after all!

I want to tell you something else.

Hey, what are you doing?

You're going too fast!

Young man, keep cool, huh?

I'm not easily convinced.

What are you talking about?

I like you!

And you too don't dislike me!

It's New Year's!

Come to my house, huh?

We'll get drunk, and

tomorrow you'll tell me how you feel.

Cool, why?

- Because I like you.

I'll write it, huh?

I... like you..

very..

much.

Lello.

Let's go dance, huh?

Kaput?

But, you been in Italy during war?

- No! - No?

And all the men who're in this house?

No, no made war in Italy!

- No?

And where did make it?

Not made.

- Not made, huh?

Well then,

who fought this bloody war?

Why? Where are you taking me?

- Where it's quieter, I must talk to you.

Look.

I must ask you something.

It's been bothering me all night.

But I warn you,

don't answer right away..

because I could guess your answer..

and it would make me suffer.

Well?

First, I'll get some champagne.

Meanwhile you think about it.

So when I'm back,

you give me your answer.

And if you say yes,

we'll toast to your answer.

What can this question possibly be?

Will you come to bed with me?

I mean, young man!

You're a little too fast, no?

Young man!

Where will we end up like this?!

Go idiot, go!

Go!

What is down there?

The toilet. - The toilet?

Ugly...

- What do you want?

Let me go! Let me go!

- Where do you want to go?

What...?

- What do you want to do? Let go!

Idiot!

No-good bastard!

We'll all end up in jail.

What's with you?

You should help me.

I'll turn you over to the police!

- So you'll be involved too! - So what?

If you don't stop I'll break your head!

I'm not kidding, got it?

Go on.

- No!

Don't push me!

You even pass me off

as an hermaphrodite.

You know what? Do what you want..

but after I leave with the lady, who

honors me with her friendship, got it?

Leave the lady alone and go away.

Champagne madam?

- Yes thanks.

Let's go immediately, hurry.

Where?

Where's Lello?

You don't know him, you never did.

He's a hoodlum.

Jealousy is an ugly thing.

I've known you for 20 years....

Everytime I find someone

it's the same story.

Capecchi was schizophrenic,

Di Petro gay...

Servadia was a blackmailer, and Lello?

He's worse than the others!

And if I may say so...

He could be your...

- My son!

Boor! I'll throw this in your face!

You're rude! Rude, rude!

Then I'll tell you, even if

he's younger than me, I don't care!

I don't have to marry him!

And besides, I like his looks...

his physical.

Yeah? You like him? - Yes! A matter

of skin! He's better than you, isn't he?

In that case,..

come to the toilet with me,

and I'll show you something.

Listen, you'd better calm down,

or I'll slap you in front of everyone.

Don't spoil the evening! What's on your

mind? - What did you think?

A matter of life and death!

- But you say! - I'll show you.

I'm not coming to the toilet with you.

- Come on! . Don't overdo!

Where is Lello? - All I know is where

he'll end up. He'll end up in jail!

He's a professional thief, I tell you!

Why do you go around with him, then?

If I'm not mistaken, you introduced him.

I didn't want to but you were alone,

I was lost... - Oh yeah?

I'll show you he's a thief and

he hides the stuff in the bathroom.

But you say! - I hope

they don't catch us and blame us.

Ascertain! Ascertain!

Have you ascertained?

Yes, I have.

And it's over between us.

I swear, it was there before!

You're through with me! - Where could

he hide it, that delinquent?

Do me a favor, go see a doctor!

What a situation you put me in!

- Yeah?

You don't know the situation I was in

before. - Umbe', you're through with me!

Go away, disappear! I don't want to see

your face again. Cause you've done...

you've done everything possible to

ruin an evening that was a dream for me!

But you didn't succeed!

I'll keep on having fun with him,

because I like him.

You know what? I'll tell him, so he'll

break your face, and it's over with.

There he is!

- Lello, listen.

Lello, come.

You know what he says about you? That

you're a thief and a delinquent. - True!

He's a thief and a delinquent.

Where did you hide the stuff?

What's he saying?

- He's crazy, don't listen to him.

Anyway, I told him that even

if it were true, I couldn't care less.

And as for the previous question,

it's fine with me.

We understood each other, huh?

We'll tell you on what we've agreed.

- I know,..

jail for both of you, without parole!

Oh, what a character!

If he doesn't spoil the fun,

he's not happy, the wretch!

Here's where he hid the stuff.

I knew it!

Leave it alone, do you want to ruin me?

Bastard!

I'll smash it on your face!

- Have you seen? Are you convinced now?

What's happening?

His Excellency wants to begin the

new year with a generous gesture,..

that I don't approve of.

Arms up! Please!

Bastard!

I kill you!

Throw it!

Why don't you throw it?

You are even capable of hitting a woman.

Throw it.

I'm a wretch but, I've never

been thrown out like this before.

Tortorella!

- Leave me alone!

You know what? If the Germans

ont' do it, then i'll go to the cops.

Because it does not end here!

- Go ahead! Who's keeping you?

Tortorella, I wouldn't do it.

Go ahead and steal,..

but why act like that with me?

Why play with my...things...my feelings?

In short, why are you such a scoundrel!

- Listen,..

I was being serious when I said it.

And I say it again! But your friend

should've told you I was a thief,..

because I am a thief,

and I'm not ashamed!

You're even proud?!

It's better than him, who lives on

accidents and insurance claims!

At least I risk.

When I was 10, I was already stealing

their materials to the Allies. It is so!

It is so! I was the only one

that worked in my family. - Nice job!

Was I supposed to starve to death

like my father, a wretch like him?

I started as a child and I'll keep on

stealing! I don't want to end up like him!

Like your father?

- Like you!

Why are some people born rich

and others so poor?

Whose fault is it? - You could've found

yourself a job. - Oh, sure!

"Get a shovel"!

You old people always say the same thing!

But who are you? You are neither

a thief nor a respectable person.

Well, I'm not like you! So long!

What's with you? - It's that he's right!

It's that it's true!

It's our fault too, it's your

generation's fault, of people like you..

if so many young people are failures.

You never thought about that huh?

Poor soul!

Are you defending him now?

- Umberto, leave me alone!

I understand him, I justify him.

He's a delinquent.

- Yes he's a delinquent!

And what are you?

Tell me!

With all those cons you do

with the insurance.

Not so loud.

- Didn't we want to trick those Germans?

Didn't we?

But we don't have the courage

to be delinquents. At least he does!

With God's will! He's a rebel!

Come on,

let's keep the right perspective!

He's a purse-snatcher, a chicken thief.

That's what he is!

You like him, that's why you talk so.

No, what I'm saying is only too true!

He wasn't born delinquent.

They made him such!

How can you not understand, Umberto,..

that, if so many young people

have failed,..

it's society's fault because it's rotten.

It's rotten! - Oh yeah?

One shouldn't abandon them...

A simple gesture, a kind word..

can save one of them!

And you'd like to save him huh?

- You don't read the papers, Umberto.

I do.

- You don't. Otherwide you'd know..

all the scandals, all the swindles

and all the frauds that are around!

The oi... oi... the oil swindles.

- Garlic and oil.

Lucky you who don't understand anything!

- No! Too much!

I see that he's enchanted you.

No way. I think he was sincere.

He'd be different if he'd been luckier.

It's starting to rain. - Trust me...

Hey, it's raining!

Let's go in the church. - Run!

At least you'll end the year well!

So you can pray for all your sins!

Umberto.

- What?

Lello!

I did say he was a good guy.

Evidently, he had a bit of remorse.

Remorse, him?!

Then why did he come to church?

He came by himself, not dragged like you.

Wait for me here and don't move.

- Who's budging?

I wasn't expecting this.

You in a church.

So?

Why, are you ashamed?

Moreover,...

we're Roman Catholic too.

Maybe, begin the year like this,

brings good luck.

Sure, of course. But

if you want to talk let's go outside.

Where are you taking me? To rob a bank?

Oh I'm sorry...

I'm not saying

it's good of you to steal but...

Tortorella, leave me alone.

Really, it's better for you.

I'm sure that you're not dishonest.

Maybe,

you're going through a difficult period.

Isn't it so?

Yes, indeed.

If I could help you I'd gladly do so.

See, I was promised a job next week.

God, Lello!

What have you done?

Be quiet. Go away and be quiet.

- You stole from the Madonna?!

Don't steal from the Madonna Lello.

What do you have in your pocket?

Put back what you took, Lello!

I won't let you out of here.

Oh yeah? Here then!

What is it? - What happened?

I have the Madonna's necklace.

- Oh my God!

They've stolen

the necklace from the Madonna!

They've stolen the Madonna's necklace!

Close the doors! Thief!

Miracle!

Miracle!

The Madonna has granted me her miracle.

What miracle!

I saw her.

She came down and put it on me.

I saw her, she was so beautiful.

She is the thief!

It's not true. I saw, I can testify.

There was an intense light...

A celestial figure appeared,

wrapped in a puff of cloud!

Miracle! I saw her!

He's the young man who was with her!

- What young man! I've got white hair!

Leave me alone, this is abuse!

I will recourse to the Sacred Threshold!

Umberto!

Quiet, kids, quiet!

Tortorella! - Umberto.

- I knew from the lawyer and came.

But how...? - But what?

- Nothing, I was just saying...

Listen... - Get away, there!

Remember that free gift

at the commerce party?

Here, I got it for you,

with the due discount. Guess what it is?

An umbrella. And even a man's one.

It's polyvalent. - Couldn't you get

something else? - There was only this,..

a thermos, and a golf club left.

I came also to tell you that

I got myself a job at Cinecitta.

A mythological film. I've been working

at it since days. I'm a Triremi's slave.

I'd like to work with you again.

How handsome you'll be!

Maybe Umberto, who knows...

because I'm sure they've looked for me,

lots of phonecalls at home.

It's so hot I can't stand it!

Why did you dress like that?

Why, what's today?

- August 15th.

Says who? It's January 1st.

The year begins today for me.

This is how I went in,

and this is how I go out!

Look, they let it be moth-eaten!

Who cares!

Go on, fly!

I'll buy a new one.

I can sense that things are going well.

Look at those boys in the boat.

See those bodies?

I'd say, they should be

Triremi's slaves, not you.

Walk. Walk slave! New year, new life!

Damn, how hot it is!

You're right. Down with misery!

Let's use our last reserve!

Please, make yourself comfortable.

You're the usual beggar!

If you don't have any money,

why say "Down...

"Down with misery"?

I thought you had some.

- Me!

I made a significant expenditure

for the umbrella.

I'll beat you on the head with it!

Open it, at least

we'll protect ourselves from the sun.