The Pamela Principle (1992) - full transcript

Pamela is a young actress who has moved into New York City from the midwest. She meets up with Carl who is middle-aged tailor of women's clothings and is going through a "mid-life crisis". He sees his son's amourous escapades and longs for better relationship with his wife Anne who is distant at times. He has an affair with Pamela. But Pamela's lifestyle does not go well with him.


Mr. Breeding.

Hi, I'll be right with you.

Mrs. Fester, I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's all right, Carl.

Oh, no don't be nervous.

Just make me look beautiful.

No, you look fine.

Take this in a little
bit over here, Dorritte.

That's beautiful, honey.

Everything's going to
be just fine, sweetie,

I'll be right with you, OK?

You just relax.



You're late, Carl.

Two weeks before
Christmas, everyone

wants to be a December bride.

Every woman in town wants
something fabulous to wear.

Don't I don't
want to spill it.

Shannon, stop it.

That's nice.

You'd think these women would
learn to plan for these things.

Hey, dad, just in time.

Hey, Stevie.

Put it on the table.

Oh, watch that.


You remember
Shannon, right, dad?

Yeah, of course.

Hi, Shannon.


I thought her
name was Barbara.

That was last week.

Oh, right.

it doesn't make them better


You said that the-- what'd
you say just a minute ago?

They had to wait and save
their money before they

even thought of a decent home?


Wait for what?

Until their children
go on and leave them,

until they're so old
and broken down that--

Do you know how long it takes
a working man to save $5,000?


Just remember this, Mr.
Potter, that this rabble

you're talking about, they
do most of the working

and paying and living and
dying in this community.

Well, is it too much to have
work and pay and live and die--

Mom, dad, we're
out of here, OK?

you know how long it takes

a working man to save $5,000?

Just remember this,
Mr. Potter, that this

rabble you're talking about--

Stevie, this is "It's
a Wonderful Life."

It's a Christmas tradition.

You can't leave now.

Well, is it too much

to have them work and pay
and live and die in a couple

of decent rooms and a bath?

Anyway, my father
didn't think so.

People were human beings to him.

But to you, a
frustrated old man--

Well, you know,
we're pretty tired.

Yeah, Mr. Breeding,
we're really beat.

OK, OK, be party poopers.

Night, kids.

measly, one-horse institution,

if only to have some place
where people can come

without crawling to Potter.

Sentimental hogwash.

I want my motion back.









Carl, what are you doing?


I think Steve is still awake.

Now I know what
you were doing.

Bring back any memories?


No, it's OK.

I'm sorry.

Well, if you don't
want to, it's OK.

No, I mean, yes.

I want to.

Well, if you insist.

It's just that I've got a
million things to do tomorrow.

Nice, I like this.

Yeah, it has a nice hue.

OK, if you have any
problems, let me know.

OK, thank you, Mr. Breeding.

Good morning, Mr. Breeding.

Good morning.

Everything OK?
- Absolutely.



Good morning.

Be careful with this stuff.

It's very delicate.
- OK.



Carl, I have a rehearsal
with the rabbi in an hour.

I can't be late.

She should have thought about
that eight or nine months ago.

Jessica, stop fidgeting.

It won't get done.


Got it?

Well, I really
want to stand out.

Believe me, everyone
will know you're there.

Yeah, Jeannie.


Amanda Nichols called.

She'll be in tonight
instead of tomorrow.


Did you tell her the gown
won't be ready until tomorrow?

Sure, but you know Amanda.

Mr. Breeding, I simply
cannot wait any longer.

Ms. Fontana, you're
fitting was for 2:00.

It needs to be tighter.

Jessica, if I make
it tighter here,

you're not going to be
able to breathe over here.

Well, then I won't breathe.

Jessica, they don't
exactly make wedding dresses

for pregnant women.

Now just bear with me, OK?

Mr. Breeding?

Yes, Ms. Fontana.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

You know, that's very pretty.

Let me see the back.

OK, we just need to take it in.

Excuse me, do you
have time for me?

Would you just hold your--



Ms. Fontana.

Uh, Dorritte, would
you help Ms. Fontana?



Excuse me.

You look hassled.

No, just a little bit stuck.

It seems like everyone wants
a Christmas wedding this year.

You're the only store
I could find open.

And I'm going to
Topeka for a wedding.

I just have to look perfect.

You look perfect
to me, miss uh--

Atkins, call me Pamela.

Pamela, since I've never met
anyone from Topeka before, I

guess I could squeeze you in.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Breeding.

Call me call.

OK, Carl.

Let's see what I have for you.

You'll make a lovely bride.

Oh, I'm not a bride.


Made of honor?



But I need the dress
for the reception.

Oh, OK.

Let's see what we have here.

Well, here's something
I've been working

on that no one's ever worn.

See how it looks.

Oh, that's perfect.

Try it out.

Topeka, huh?

Yeah, it's in Kansas.

You know, "The Wizard of Oz."

So you're new in town?

Yeah, I just moved
here a few weeks ago.

I'm a model/actress, I hope.

Anyway, I've been to lots of
auditions, commercials mostly.

I've been turned down
by the best of them--

Coke, Pepsi, Bud Light.

Well, I'll be sure never
to buy their products.

Oh, you're so sweet.


You like it?

That's nice.

That's nice.

Let me see.

Good, good.

Come over here.


Jess, may we?

Oh, sorry.

Thank you.

Take your time.

OK, let's see.

Longer or shorter?

Well, longer
always feels better.

Must be so hard for you,
looking at women's dresses

all day long.

Hey, I'm a professional,
like a doctor.

Besides, I very rarely
see legs like these.

Looks like you
might need a change.

Uh, the hem is finished.

Oh, it's perfect.

You really think so.

It's perfect.


Praying for X-ray vision?

Oh, very funny.

Ms. Fontana!
- No!

That's the wrong
dressing room!

Oh my god.


Hi, Pamela.

Hi, Carl.

I really hate to bother you.

But I think I left
my appointment

book here this afternoon.

Yes, Dorritte, did
mention finding something.

Here it is.

Oh god, thank god.

My whole life is in here.

You've come to my
rescue twice today.

Hey, it's nothing.

Can I walk you to your car?

[LAUGHS] I don't have one.

It's in-- well,
it's in the shop.

I mean, I caught a ride with
a friend from the valley.

Well, I'll take you home then.

I live all the way
out in Hollywood.

It's no big deal.

Well, thanks.

I appreciate it.

Hey, nothing but the best
for a girl from Topeka.



Well, I better get going.

I have an early
audition tomorrow.

Yeah, I have to get up early
tomorrow, big day at work.



Call me tomorrow.

I'll be home by 11:00.

I like you, Carl.

Good night.

Good night.

Jesus Christ, what am I doing?

All right, come on.

What, are you going
to take all year?

You're making two sandwiches.

Take it easy with the pepper.

What are you trying to do?

Kill me?


I hope you're not telling
anybody you're chef, you know.

TOD: Good evening, boys and
girls, and welcome to Tod's

world, where things are just--

Oh, Barbara, dear,
would you do me a favor

and make sure these tables are
set up for the dinner crowd?

Right, Mr. Manning.

Thank you.

Now, where were we now?

This beautiful girl
jumps you in your car.

Eddie, you
wouldn't believe it.

Her tits were unbelievable.

Her tongue went on forever.


Well, I mean, I didn't
go through with it.


Why not?

Are you crazy?

Well, Anne, that's why.

I was kissing Pamela but
all I could see was Anne.


Anne, what, lying there
reciting the grocery list?

You know, that's how you
described your last romp

in the sack with her.

Anne is a wonderful woman.

It's just that she always looks
the same and talks the same

and screws the same.

I mean, she doesn't
surprise me anymore.

Pamela is so alive.

She's adventurous and impulsive.

Yeah, and has a
great fucking body.

Oh, what a body.

You've got to call her.

Eddie, you're supposed
to be my friend.

You're supposed to
talk me out of this.

What if Anne finds out?

She'll kill me.

Forget Anne.

Think about it as therapy.

That's all.

You're not doing nothing.

It's physical therapy.

How am I gonna
satisfy this kid?

I'm years past my sexual peak.

Think about it as
a great little hobby.

Come on, you gotta call her.

You're gonna fuck this thing up.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Come on.
You gotta call her.

Let's go.

Loosen up.

What's the matter with you?

You got a great thing here.

I'd be crazy to do this.

You'll be thanking
me later on.

Paul, give him the telephone.

TOD: And now I get to bring in
a gentleman that is normally

banned at this nightclub.

Tonight, he's going to be--

You sure?

I'm positive.

How could you even
think about this.

OK, come on, this
is hard enough.

All right, go ahead.

TOD: Eddie Manning,
give him a big hand.

Come on, you guys.

Thank you very much.


this is Pamela, I really--

It's an answering machine.

It wasn't meant to be.

Maybe she's monitoring
her phone calls.

Did you leave a message?

Well, no.
I knew it.

She's avoiding me.

She thinks I'm an old fart.

She doesn't want to have
anything to do with me.

Call her back.
Leave a message.

Maybe she's there.
Come on.

Yeah, I don't want my
voice on a recording.

What do you think
she's gonna do?

Hold the tape for ransom?

Dial the number.

Come on, you're acting
like a god damn teenager.

What's the matter with you?

You're gonna screw
this thing up.

Trust me.

I know what I'm doing.

Call her.

Call her.


Fuck you.

Fuck you, too.

I'm doing you a favor.


Hi, this is Pamela.

I really want to talk to you.

So please leave a message
at the sound of the beep.

Uh, Hi, Pamela.

This is Carl.

Listen, about our
fitting last night,

I'm ready to finish
what we started.

Give me a call.

I'll be at the shop
this afternoon.


Lord, was that so hard?


Gee, all right?

Come on.

Hey, you better keep
me posted on this.

Yeah, I will.

Call me as soon as
you hear anything.

I want to know exactly
what's was going on.

Don't worry about it.

You're gonna tell
me, you promise?

Hey, it's a piece of cake.

Carl, what are you doing?

Mrs. Fester, would
you just relax.

It's going to work out.

Just look at the sleeves!

We have plenty of time.

The wedding is tomorrow!

Carl, I look an idiot!

No, the sleeve just needs
to be a little bit shorter.

He'll leave me at the altar.

It's going to be
fine, Mrs. Fester.

Try to relax.

No, it's not.

Believe me, it's
going to be OK.



It's going to be OK.

Everything else looks terrific.

We have plenty of time.

I'm going take to take in
the waste just a little bit.

- [SOBS]
- Look at me.

Look at me.

It's OK.

It's OK, honey.

It's OK.

- No, it's not.
- Listen--

Line two, Carl.

I look awful.

Now, I have a phone call.

Just relax.

I'm coming right back, OK?

I'm going to take
it in the back.


This is Carl Breeding.

Oh, you sound so professional.

Hello there.

Sorry, I missed your call.

I had a last-minute audition.

last-minute appointments

are what I live for.

Well, I'm glad you like
to finish what you start.

We should set
up an appointment.

That would be nice.

So how about tonight?

I think I can find
an opening for you.

Uh, would you mind
holding on a moment?

Well, a moment.

Yes, Jeanie.

We're on.

Anne, darling, how are you?

What a surprise.

ANNE (ON PHONE): Will you
have time to pick up a bottle

of wine on the way home?

Bill and Trudy will
be here at 8:00.

Yes, dinner with
Bill and Trudy.

Carl, you didn't forget.

Well, of course
not, but I'm busy.

Something came up.

And I'm not sure if I'm
going to be able to make it.

Carl, I made these
plans weeks ago.

What could you
possibly have to do?

I'll be there.

It'll wait.

I'll be home by 8:00.

OK, pick up a nice
bottle of Chardonnay, dear.

I will.

You still there?

Well, of course, silly.

You didn't tell me
what time tonight.

Tonight's not
going to work out.

You know, last-minute stuff.


Well, I know you're really busy.

I guess I was really
lucky yesterday, huh?

We both were.

How about tomorrow, 1 o'clock?


I'm in apartment 14 upstairs.


I'll be thinking of you tonight.

Will you be thinking of me?

Yes, I will.

Bye, Carl.



I knew I should
have called first.

Why didn't I call first?


I hate noise.


Hi, this is Pamela.

I really want to talk to you.

So please leave a message
at the sound of the beep.

Hello, Pamela, this

is Marco from the dance club.

I'd love to see you again.

Give me a call, huh?


That teasing little bitch.

All right, this is a
blessing in disguise.

I'm gonna cut my losses
and get out of here.

But she might be at an audition.

I should at least let
her know I was here.

Oh, damn.




I'm terribly
sorry to bother you.

I just need a pen.

Do you have a pen
I might borrow?

And bring it back.

Of course.


Hi, this is Pamela.

I really want to talk to you.

So please leave a message
at the sound of the beep.

Pammy, it's Al.

Just confirming we're getting
together at the Bambam Club.

Call me.

What am I doing here?

Oh, Carl.

I am so sorry.

Oh, hi.

My agent called out of the
blue and I had an audition.

Hey, I just got
here, no problem.

Oh, come on.

You know, it was one of
those last-minute things.

Things, right.


I was going to have
all of this cleaned up.

Don't worry about it.



What's this?



I'm going to go in the back
and cleaned up and freshen up.

Why don't you go to the kitchen.

There's a couple
glasses in there.



You don't have to wear
anything special on my account.

JUDY (ON PHONE): Hi, Pam, Judy.

I was wondering, since you're
not seeing Steve anymore.

Can I get his number?


Ciao, babe.

Pamela, Pamela--

You don't have to
wear anything at all.

TONY (ON PHONE): It is Tony.

Please, my love, give me a call.

babe, it's Steve again.

Call me over at Phil's.

You have the number.

BILL (ON PHONE): Pam, it's Bill.

Remember, we met
at Christy's party.

Give me a call.

I'd love to hear from you.


Pamela, it's Maury.

Remember me?
I'm your agent.

Young Rascals.

What's the story?

Grand Funk Railroad,
Birds, great records.

Give me a call.

PAMELA: Oh, I wouldn't
they're my dad's.

Pamela, it's Dave.

Pick up if you're there.

Pam, please, give me a call.

I need to talk to you.


Mr. Breeding, I have
an interview tomorrow

and I need some fashion advice.

You see, my character, she's
very alluring and sexy.

And I was wondering, should
I wear the jacket open or

should I just take
the jacket off?

Do you want to get
hired or arrested?

Well, what do you
think about the fabric?

Nice choice.

Pam, it's Dave again.

Pamela, come on.

Pick up the damn phone.

What about the skirt?

Is it too tight?


Well, how are you feeling?

Oh, great.


I'm going to join you in here.

I'm gonna get in here with you.

Oh, no.

You're beautiful.


No, baby, you're
wasting your time.

It died and went to heaven.

Oh, come on.

No, no.

I gotta get to work, anyway.

Let me out of here.


No, I have to be out.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, I have to go.

I have to go.

Come on, let me go.

I gotta go.

Come on, I want
to see the show.

So just tell me.

Am I crazy, or what?

You're not crazy.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

It sounded great to me.

Oh, it was incredible.

No wife, no job,
no responsibility,

just Pamela and me.

Whoo, I wanted it
to last forever.

Well, it can, buddy boy.

You can have regular
doses of forever.

Are you getting her anything?


Carl, it's Christmas.

Are you getting her a present?

Jeez, I didn't
think about that.

Well, look, don't get
her anything too fancy.

Don't forget,
she's just a hobby.

Well, thank, you Ms. Manners.

All right, look, when are
you going to see her again?

Tomorrow night, I hope.

She's going home to Topeka
for a couple of days.


Where the fuck is Topeka?

I don't know.

There's only
three Beatles left.


I think not.

There were five Osmonds.

There were five Jacksons.

One band really sucked.

Anyway, it's a
mad house at work.

I can't afford to take
any more long lunch hours.

I don't know.

Maybe I should bail out
while it's still safe.

Safe is for boring old men.

Don't you start that shit.

Hang in there.


There are the same letters
in Santa that are in Satan.

They both wear red and black.

Have you ever seen
them together?


I think not.

Oh, now to go home
and try to look like I

just didn't screw my brains out.

I think you lose.

OK, I think, whoever wins the
next one wins the whole game.

I think I won.

You did.

I'm gonna get
you for that one.

I can't wait.

You're up early.

Oh, good morning, honey.

Yeah, I'm just doing
some exercises.

You hate exercising.

Well, yeah, but it's
time for change, you know?

I mean, I have to start
thinking about my health.

Hm, good for you, honey.

Thank God you could
stop by today, Edward.

Nice to have a professional
restaurateur as a friend, huh?

Christmas is such an
awful time of the year.

Oh, don't say that.

How could you say that?

Christmas is a
time for miracles.

Well, my shopping is all done.

That's a miracle.


Hi, honey, I'm going to
be a little late tonight.

Oh, Hi, Carl.

Not another one of those
late night fillings.

Don't these women know that
you have a life of your own.

It's not that.

Eddie and I are going out
to dinner with friends.

You and Carl are
going out to dinner?

Oh, oh, I forgot.

Oh, yeah, we're going
to do some male bonding.


All right, well,
have a good evening.

Carl, this is so sweet.

No distractions.

Oh, wow, it's
from Sexy Secrets.


I can't wait to put it on.

You didn't have
to do this for me.

Oh, it wasn't just for you.


Who is it?

It's David.


- Oh my god.
- What?

Oh my god.


Oh my god, come on.

What is he?
Psycho killer or something.

No, come on, come on, come on.

Wait, wait a second.

What's going on?



Get under the bed.
Get under the bed.

Get under the bed.

Get under the bed.


- Don't worry.

Don't worry.

Does he have a gun?

Get under the bed.

Come on.

Wonderful, just wonderful.

David, what are
you doing here?

God damn it, why
won't you talk to me?

I'm busy, David.

You have to leave now.

Doing what, huh?

With who?

And what's this, huh?

Give me this.

Yeah, well, whoever it is
is a real fucking pervert.

Come on.

It's time to leave.

No, not until I kick
the shit out of this guy.


Get out of here, you prick.

You're a dick.

That's it.

We're through.

Now, get out.

I would have
killed him anyway.

Well, get out.

Who was that guy?


Well, he ought to learn how to
express himself a little more.

Well, he thought
I was his girl.

Where were we?

We were about to satisfy
the cravings of a pervert.



What was that?

That's my car.

That asshole.

Is this the way
20-year-olds really live?


Oh my God.

Hey, get away from there.

Hey, look, I don't
want any problems, OK?

Just get out of here.

This old fucking guy?

Just get out of here.

Hey, leave him alone, David.

David, leave him alone!

I hate noise.

Cut all this noise out.

What the hell is going on here?

You all right, man?

Hold it!


Hey, what happened here?

Oh, a jealous ex-boyfriend
slashed my friend's tires.

They ought to put him away.

He's a psycho maniac.

He sure got your tires good.

Look at that.

OK, what's your name?

Pamela Atkins.



Uh, look, it's
just flat tires.

Let's just forget
all about this, OK?

Hey, listen, you said
you want to put him away.

Let's do it.

I was just speaking in
the heat of the moment.

I understand where he's at.

Hey, hold it.

I'm a cop.

And I want your name
and a license right now.

The dude got away.

What's the deal here?

The guy won't
give me his name.

Sir, can I just talk
to you for a second?

I'm really not supposed
to be here tonight.

Can we just forget
this ever happened?

This is Christmas
time, you know?

A man should be home
with his family.

I know.
I know.

But just give me a break.

Oh, yeah, you want
the other guy put away?

You got a lot of nerve.

Hey, we're out of here.

I'm sorry.


Does this mean we're not
gonna see each other anymore?

You kidding?

And miss another
evening like this?

I'm sorry.

I'll make it up to you when
I get back from Topeka.

Can I use your phone?


Well, what did the police say?

Well, there wasn't much
they could do about it.

When they got there,
the vandals were gone.

I'm glad.



Because if you had
caught them in the act,

someone might have hurt you.

I'm here.

I'm fine.

We've been so
distracted lately.

Oh, baby.

I miss you, too.

I miss you so much.

Mm, I missed you.


What is this phone number?

It's Hollywood.

It must be a client.

I didn't know you had
any clients in Hollywood.

Look at this bill I
found in your pants.

Your car wasn't
vandalized in Encino.

It was towed from Hollywood.

Eddie and I were
feeling silly.

He took me to this strip
he knows in Hollywood.

What was I gonna tell you?

I thought you'd think I was
a dirty old man or something.

You've never been to a strip
joint in your life, Carl.

And what is this?

Lingerie from Sexy Secrets.

That was supposed to
be a surprise Christmas

present for you.


Which one is it, Carl?


Which one?

It's at the office.

What's going on?

What do you mean
what's going on?

You know what I mean.


You're jumping to a
ridiculous conclusion, Anne.

Am I?

You stay out late at work.

You start exercising.

You walk around, you're
like some lovesick teenager.

Your imagination
is going wild.

No, I'm going wild.

There's someone else.

Leave her or I'm leaving you.

EDDIE: What a pisser.


We were getting along better
than we had been in months.

I felt like I was falling in
love with her all over again.

Well, do you think
she knows for sure?

Yeah, she definitely suspects.

Are you forgetting
how I met Anne?

I was fooling around on
my first wife with Anne.

That's my pattern.

Anne was so beautiful.

I mean, she's still
beautiful, but she

was so sexy and fiery and new.

I guess that's what
I see in Pamela.

You know, new isn't
necessarily better.

No, definitely not.

Anne is better.

I don't want to loose her.

You won't lose her.

Don't worry.

Oh, wait a minute, you told
me to remind you to pick

up Pamela today at the airport.

Oh, hell, I can't.

I can't deal with it.

I have to concentrate on Anne.

You want me to pick up Pamela?

If you want, I'll do it?

Could you?

I mean, could you
just look after her?

Yeah, I could.


Well, you know, you
shouldn't be doing it anyway,

the condition you're in.

No, no, no, no,
no, Listen, I mean,

Anne is a wonderful woman.

Anne is a treasure.

The weird boyfriend, the crazy
neighborhood, who needs it.

Not you, no sir.

Now, come on, let's go.

If I could just make
love to her one more time.


Eddie, I really appreciate
you coming to pick me up.

Well, Carl was real upset
that he couldn't make it.

Yeah, things are
pretty bad at home, huh?

Yeah, they are, real bad.

You know, this is awful.

I can't even call him.

I feel like doing something.

I just don't want
to sit at home.

Yeah, you really
want to do something?

I'd like to do something,
too, if you'd like

some company I'd be delighted.



Come on.


Hi, this is Eddie.

I'm not home right now.

So that's too damn bad.


You'll have to
call back again.


Eddie, this is Carl.

Where the hell are you?


Come on, I hate to dance.

I'm not such a good dancer.

You know, Pamela is
a great dancer, too?


Yeah, I'm glad you two
had a good time, Eddie.

Come on.

She's got incredible energy.

She's also immature and flaky.

She'll outgrow that.

By the way, how are
you and Anne doing?

Ah, OK, I guess.

It'll take some time.

I have to let her know where
I am every minute so she

knows there's no one else.

You know, Pamela has convinced
me to do my stand-up act.

Yeah, that's the
kind of girl she is.

She's a real inspiration.

Well, does she ask about me?

All the time.


Well, you are
married, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm married, Eddie.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Good evening, boys and girls,
and welcome to Tod's world,

where things are just
a little different.

In Tod's world, girls
between the ages of 16 to 19

like to sleep with fat balding
guys for no apparent reason.

It could happen.

Hey, how you doing?

TOD: Hello.

In Tod's world, you go to
Disney Land, when you go there,

they have sexual fantasy world.

And you go there and
Snow White's skirt

is hiked up above--
- How are you?

Nice to see you.

TOD: --her waist
and all the dwarves

are doing her, even Bashful.

Hi, Edward.

What's going on tonight?

A surprise.

Eddie, a moment of your time.

Eddie, she's here
and Anne's here.

Are you nuts?

She's way in the back.

She's not going to see her.

She doesn't even
know who she is.

What are you worried?

Well, you better
be right about this.

Don't worry.

TOD: It's the contoured chair.

Have you ever been in
a house that has one?


I think not.

There are the same letters
in Santa that are in Satan.

They both wear red and black.

Have you ever seen
them together?


I think not.

Hi, I'm a shop teacher.

I've been teaching
shop for four years.

Thank you very much.

And now, boys and
girls, it's my pleasure

to bring out a gentleman
who is normally

the manager of this nightclub.

He's a comedy virgin.

So please be gentle.

Please welcome, Eddie Manning.

Come on, give him
a big hand now.


Hello, everybody.

Do you like Pepperidge
Farm Cookies?

You ever see what
it says on the box?

Feeds four to six
people or one fat slob.


Do vegetarians eat
animal crackers?

Are you practicing safe sex?

I am.

The other night I
boiled my penis.

I had a fight with
my girlfriend.

I told her, I said, look,
let's kiss and make up.

Tell me those three magic
words that make me walk on air.

She said, "go hang yourself."

I went to a photo
store the other day.

It said one-hour photo.

I went down the block,
it said half-hour photo.

I went further down the block,
it said 15-minute photo.

Next place I went to, the guy
said, forget the photo, here's

a mirror.


That's it.

I give up.


How are you guys?

Very good.

See you in a second.

Hey, Eddie,
congratulations, man.

You did great.

You did great.

Thank you.

You were wonderful,
Edward, just wonderful.

God, I felt like
I was floating.

Yeah, good work, Eddie.

You've been
dreaming about doing

this for such a long time.

What made you finally do it?

Well, this friend of
mine, she said it perfectly.

She said, you don't want to
feel old and feel like you

missed out on something.

Yes, there seems
to be a lot of that

going around these days.

Well, I gotta go.

Thanks for coming, Anne.

You too, Carl.

Yeah, see you, Eddie.

Ooh, baby.

Eddie, you were great.

Come here.

I'm so proud of you.

If you don't stop that
I'll knock you out.

Edward was great
tonight, wasn't he?

Yeah, he was great.

Oh, no, honey, I forgot
my wallet at the club.

I gotta run back there.

It won't take long.


Signorina, After
dinner, spumoni.

Ah, veal Parmesan.


Bravo, bravo.

Signorina, Pamela.


How you doing?

How are you?

Hey, it's good to see you.

Oh, it's so good to
see an old friend.

I'm so sick of
this phony accent.

You gotta come by more often.

I see you got a new boyfriend.

Yeah, Carl, this is Troy.

I mean, Tony.

Hi, Tony.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, likewise.

Nice place.


Good to see you.

Listen, I gotta get
back to my customs.




I know Eddie's been
filling in for me

for the last couple of days.

Wasn't he great
the other night?

I mean, I knew he would be.

Yeah, yeah, he's a prince.

Pamela, listen, what
I'm trying to say it--

ah, forget it.



People are looking at us.

I don't care.

I don't know anybody here.

I missed you so much.

I missed you, too.

I missed your style.

You know, you always
make me feel like a lady.

You make me feel alive.

I just wish we could--

I wish we'd met under
different circumstances.

Well, we've got what
we've got and that's good.

So let's just keep it that way.




Hi, this is Pamela.

I really want to talk to you.

So please leave a message
at the sound of the beep.

cutie, it's me Eddie.

Just confirming Tuesday.

Ooh, I can't wait
to see you and get

my hands on that reckless body.

I didn't tell
you to screw her!

What's your problem?

You betrayed me,
my best friend.

What do you want from me?

You practically
dumped her in my lap.

Find anybody that'd spend
five minutes with girl

without getting a hard-on.

Hey, I don't need
any more of your help.

Go someplace else
to get a hold on.

Pamela's mine.

So you're never going to
talk to your best friend again.

That's right.

Carl, I don't care that
he couldn't get tickets

for "Phantom of the Opera."

It's not like it's
the end of the world.

Yeah, well, I really
wanted the tickets

to Phantom of the Opera
tonight and he screwed it up.

Well, you're just going
to have to kiss and make up.

Because I want dinner
tonight to go well.

You invited him
over to dinner?

Carl, he's your best friend.

Oh, no.

Oh, stop acting like a child.


Hi, Edward, how are you?

Hello, Anne.

Come on in.

Nice to see you.

You didn't bring
date this evening?

No, I was seeing somebody and
we broke up rather suddenly.

Oh, I'm sorry, Edward,
and during the holidays.

Well, it'll just be
our night out then.

So where are we
going for dinner?


Mustache Buffet?

Well, I know a new place
if you'd like to try it.

OK, well, you drive.

Tony, how are you?

Hey, Eddie, good to see you.


Hey, Carl, back so soon.


You've been here before?

Yeah, Eddie took me
here, didn't you, Eddie?

Yeah, I brought him
here for dinner last week.

You were here before?

Yeah, Pamela took me here.

This is our place.

She took me here, too.

She told me it was
our place, too.

So how do you know my husband?

Oh, he's in here
every other night

with my good friend Pamela.

Oh, really?

Oh, great.

He's bound to
tell her everything.

No, I'm in deep shit now.

Well, you shouldn't
fuck around.

Well, here's another nice
mess you got me into, Eddie.


Yeah, you.

Did I put a gun to your head?

Oh, you got all
the answers, huh?

Oh, he's telling her everything.

I can't believe it.

Who is Pamela?

And I'm not going to stand
here like some good little wife

while you sleep in
someone else's bed.

Get out, Carl, now.

Get out.



Tomorrow's Christmas Eve.


Want a beer?

Yeah, thanks.

What a pain to be doing
this on Christmas Eve, huh?

I've never seen so much stuff.

You sure do have a lot of books.

Well, I guess I'll have to
find a place to store them,


Are you sure this
is such a good idea?

I mean, you moving in and all.

Isn't it a little late for
you to be telling me that now?

I mean, you were so excited
about it last night.

Well, last night it was just
you and me in bed and together.

And you didn't have
all this stuff.

Pamela, honey,
wasn't it you that

said how wonderful it would
be to wake up together

in the morning.

No more sneaking around.

Well, actually, that
was kind of the fun of it.

Well, now, we
can be spontaneous.

We can see each other
any time, all the time.

Sure, great, it'll be neat.


Is that the same as sensational
and terrific and great idea?


Don't be so insecure.

I'm not insecure.



I'm having a little party
tonight, with friends over,

a little get-together, OK?




Hey, how are you?

I like that.

How you guys doing?

Having a good time?

You want pretzels?




It's 3:00 AM.

Are we going to get
some time alone.

Oh, we will.

We will, babe.



Hey, there.

Some of us are
going to breakfast.

Do you want to come?

No, you go ahead, babe.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.



Hi, this is Pamela.

I really want to talk to you.

So please leave a message
at the sound of the beep.

You have reached
Carl and Pamela.

Please leave a
message at the beep.

Thank you.

Oh, wow, a tree.

Where have you been?

Oh, out and about.

Did you have a nice nap?

Out and about?

Carl, don't be such a killjoy.

Well, I was waiting for you.

I thought we'd do something.

Why didn't you
just go out yourself?

Well, I wanted to
spend Christmas with you.

Aw, that's sweet.

Well, I'm here now.

Let's celebrate, pick up a
bottle of champagne, cuddle up,

watch a movie.

Did you ever see "It's
a Wonderful Life?"

It's a what?

It's a very famous old movie.

I don't really
like old movies.

I find them kind of boring.

I was kind of hoping we could
go out and party tonight.

Well, you were
partying all last night.

Can't we just stay here,
just the two of us,

nice, quiet evening.

I guess older people
have different ideas

about how to celebrate.

You think I'm old?

Oh, don't freak out.

I didn't mean it that way.

Well, I'm just
used to doing things

a certain way and Christmas.

You know?

You'll get into it.


Felicia, you made it.



Well, come on in.

God, what a city.

Getting here from the
airport took longer

than the whole flight itself.

Carl, this Felicia,
my friend from Topeka.

I told her how much fun
I was having and she

wants to be an actress, too.

Hi, Felicia.


She may be staying with
us for a few weeks.


We should get some nice
artwork for the walls, too.


And a big screen TV.

And a CD player.

Damn it, what's
wrong with this set.

God, relax will you?

I just gotta fix it.

Turn it on.

I thought you
already saw that.

Well, if you see it,
you might learn something.

In fact, there's a lot of
things you should learn.

You're always partying
and fooling around.

You need to be more
aware of things.

Look, I am not one
of your wedding gowns

that you can just tuck and
pin and design into whatever

you want it to be.

I'm me.

And, well, I'll learn something
when I'm ready to learn it.

I'm sorry, baby.

I'm sorry.

You're right.

Ah, you're so beautiful.


Carl, would you like
to try something new?


Well, Felicia thinks
you're really hot.

Get outta here.

Come on, it'll be fun.

I mean, come on, haven't
you ever wanted to--

Isn't this every man's fantasy?

Listen, I don't
know about other guys,

but I'm not really comfortable--

Oh, come on, Carl.

Pamela told me how good you are.


And you can really get me hot.

Wait a minute, you told
her what I was like in bed?

Oh, come on, Carl.

Pamela, I--

I want you to give it to
me like you give it to her.

I want you to give it to me.

Wait a second, I don't
think I can do this.

I'm just gonna get
a drink of water, OK?


She never moaned
like that for me.

Oh, what is she thinking?

That I'm an old prude,
that's what she's thinking.

Let's all go out tonight.

What, now?

It's after midnight.

That's when all the
fun starts to happen.

Don't you want to?

Well, if you can stay up
all night, so can I. OK?

That's not the right dress.

Do me a favor, send that back.
I don't like that size.

Carl, darling, you'll
never believe it--

- Hi.
- I met the man of my dreams.

Well, that's great.

And I need the
perfect wardrobe

for a trip to go away with him.
- I want to hear all about it.

- Mr. Breeding.
- Wait a second.


Just wait a second!

Hold on!

[LAUGHS] I'm gonna
help everyone.

Just give me a second here.

I just have to catch my breath.

Carl Breeding, you
take this dress back!

You made me look so ugly that
he walked out of the church!

Ms. Fester, just take it easy.

I am gonna die an old maid.

I'll take it back.

And it's all your fault!

So what are you doing
tonight for New Year's Eve?


I'm just going to
stay home and relax.





What are you doing here?

I came with a friend.

Look at you.

What are you doing here?

Come out in the hall.

I can't hear you here.

Steve, what are
you doing here?

I came with a friend.

What are you doing?

Well, it's New Years Eve.

I'm partying.

Can't you tell what a
good time I'm having.

No, I mean, what
are you doing?

I'm making up for lost time.

I'm grabbing all the gusto.

Hell, I don't know
what I'm doing.

If you were me, you'd be
giving you such shit right now.

What do you think
I'd be saying to me?

Oh, something along
the lines of grow up,

take some responsibility
for your life.

Sounds familiar.


I actually remember
some of the crap

you fed me when I was a kid.

You don't belong here, dad.

You had your fling.

You found out what
you were missing.

Now, go home and find
out what you've got.

[SIGHS] Strange advice from
the kid who has a different

girl every time I see him.

You know me, dad, I'm
just passing the time

till I find the right one.

Mom's alone tonight.

Happy new year.

Happy new year, dad.

MAN: OK, let's
have the countdown.

Here we go.

Everybody count.


ALL: Nine, eight, seven, six.

five, four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year!




Happy new years.

Same to you.

Thank you.


I came to wish you
a Happy New Year.

Thank you.

Happy New Year to you, too.

I made some resolutions.

Do you want to hear 'em?

I've made a few myself.