The Other Guys (2010) - full transcript

In New York City,
there's a fine line between law and chaos.

On that line live Danson and Highsmith.

Tell me again
why I decided to get on this roof!

I think you can chalk that up
to bad life choices.

Get rid of that asshole.

- Uh-oh!
- I hate it when you say "uh-oh!"

Dude, you put a ding in my hood!

Come on with it, then!

Whoa, hey!

That's trouble.

Did someone call Nine-One-holy-shit?



That's it. I'm sick of all this running.

Hang on!

You have the right to remain silent!

But I wanna hear you scream!

Down on the ground!

Detective! Yeah, yeah! Detective!

One at a time, all right?

Yeah, Detectives, Rick Grayson,
New York Observer Online.

These suspects were caught
with only a quarter pound of marijuana,

a misdemeanor in some states.

Do you think this arrest was worth
$12 million in property damages?

Why don't we let New York City
answer that question?

The greatest city on Earth, yeah!

Hi, Sarah Gapone from TMZ print edition.



Danson, are the rumors about
you and Kim Kardashian true?

No comment.

But, yes.

Danson and Highsmith,
free hot dogs for life!

No drinks. No drinks.
I can't do it. I can't do it.

Danson and Highsmith shoot, drive,
and sex with style. They're rock stars.

Then you got yourjokers,
your ball busters, your vets...

... and the other guys.

We know, we know. We know.

All right, all right, all right.
Listen up, listen up!

We're having a celebration tonight at Butter.

Brody Jenner's gonna be there. Bai Ling.

- That little short bitch from Jersey Shore.
- Yeah!

And most of you are on the list.

You're the best.

Guys, I'm gonna say something right now.

It's about a man who came from Austria
with a dream.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- Let me finish.

He became a champion
and then a movie star, all right?

- Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- God damn it, let me...

They ruined the story.
They ruined the story.

Let... What... The point is,

we couldn't do ourjob if it weren't
for you guys doing all the paperwork,

answering the phones, and all that
stupid shit that we don't like to do.

All the gun fights, all the car chases,

all the sex we don't wanna have with women,
but we have to,

all due to what you guys do. Thank you.

And we'd do it again and again.

Hey, you shut your face!

If we wanna hear you talk,

I will shove my arm up your ass
and work your mouth like a puppet!

You hear me? You hear me?

- Cash bar.
- Yeah.

Peace out, bitches.

Hey, fellas. All right, bring it in.

Come on. Bring it in a little bit.

All right, right there.

Just back up, just like right there.

All right, just one... Just a...

There you go, right there. Right there.

This is their paperwork.
You know they're not gonna do it.

That's right.
This paperwork is like Bob's wife here.

It's thick, ugly,
got Danson's fingerprints all over it.

- No offense, Bob.
- That's all right.

- Anyway, now who wants it?
- I do!

All right!
Paper Bitch and Yankee Clipper on the case!

- Nice work. Thanks, Allen.
- Thank you, Captain.

"I'll do it! I'll do it!"

Stop humming that song!

- I can hum if I want to.
- No, I know you can.

I'm asking you to stop.

- Well, if you're asking, then I'll stop.
- Thank you.

Could you not smile like that?

Now you're asking me to mask my emotions
because of how it makes you feel.

That I will not do.

Seriously, stop humming! Okay?

This isn't accounting or wherever the hell

you and your little pocket calculator
were transferred from.

Forensic accounting, okay.
And it's an important part of the job.

Yeah, whatever. Stop being so overtly happy
about doing shit work, you moron.

Hey, guys. Reminder.

The police union picnic's
coming up this weekend.

My wife's making her famous
deviled eggs, again. My waistline's furious.

It's a bad time, Bob!

All right.

Going to get a slice.

You know what I just did?

I just walked out that door,
saw a couple detectives,

and I was about to start bad mouthing you
behind your back,

but I stopped myself,
because my pops taught me

that a man who talks
behind somebody's back is a coward.

Wow, I actually appreciate that.

Good, 'cause I'm gonna tell you
directly to your face.

- No. You don't have to.
- No, I don't like you.

I think you're a fake cop.

The sound of your piss hitting the urinal?
It sounds feminine.

If we were in the wild, I would attack you.

Even if you weren't in my food chain,
I would go out of my way to attack you.

If I were a lion, and you were a tuna,

I would swim out in the middle of the ocean
and freaking eat you!

And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.

Okay, first off,
a lion swimming in the ocean?

Lions don't like water.

If you'd placed it near a river or some sort
of fresh water source, that'd make sense.

But you find yourself in the ocean,
20-foot waves,

I'm assuming
it's off the coast of South Africa,

coming up against a full-grown,
800-pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends?

You lose that battle.

You lose that battle nine times out of ten.
And guess what?

You've wandered into our school of tuna,
and we now have a taste of lion.

We've talked to ourselves.
We've communicated.

- Yeah?
- And said, "You know what?

"Lion tastes good.
Let's go get some more lion."

We've developed a system
to establish a beachhead

and aggressively hunt you and your family.

And we will corner your pride,

- your children, your offspring.
- How you gonna do that?

We will construct a series
of breathing apparatus with kelp.

We will be able to trap
certain amounts of oxygen.

It's not gonna be days at a time,
but an hour, hour 45, no problem.

That will give us enough time
to figure out where you live,

go back to the sea, get more oxygen,
and then stalk you.

You just lost at your own game.
You're outgunned and outmanned.

Did that go
the way you thought it was gonna go?

Nope.

Two minutes before the markets open,

Pamela Boardman, CEO of Lendl Global,
ringing the opening bell.

With Boardman is investment banker,
David Ershon,

who manages 40%
of Lendl's $70-billion equity pool.

How much did we lose?

You may ring the bell now, Ms. Boardman.

- $32.
- Million?

No, billion.

Shit!

Chinatown. Three Triad gang members.
I popped two of them off the draw.

- Bang, bang.
- Yeah.

Then I raise up to take the leader out.

Shit, I feel like I'm there now.

I hear a whistle. My partner's on the roof.

He says, "Let's even the odds!"

He tosses me down a Mossberg pump.
I send one through his chest.

Game over, bitches.

- All right.
- Yeah.

Jimmy? Let's talk about
how that story made you feel.

Like my cock was made out of concrete.

I know it's very tempting.

You want to impress your friends.

But this is serious stuff
we're dealing with, okay?

This is firing your weapon
in the line of duty.

Officer Hoitz?

Oh, man.

- Come on!
- Here we go.

Would you like to share?

No, I'd rather not.

Officer Hoitz, you've been coming here
for six months now,

and you haven't said a word.

This is a safe room, no judgment here.

Jerkoff.

That's judgment, Jimmy. Come on.

I relive it every night.

Bronx, October.

Game 7 of the World Series.

For all the marbles. High pressure,
unruly crowd, and I pulled tunnel duty.

I mean, I saw a shadowy figure in the tunnel.
I told him to stop.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, this is a restricted area!

Finally pulled my gun.

Pulled a deadly weapon.
He started running at me.

Don't make me shoot! I'll do it!

Are you deaf? You hear me yell, "Freeze"?

You dick! I'm Derek Jeter! You shot me!

- You cost me 20 grand on that game!
- Douche bag.

Cost the city a championship.

I was being groomed
for a top position in homicide.

Now I'm stuck with a desk jockey partner.
Everybody calls me the Yankee Clipper.

Because you shot Derek Jeter!

He's a biracial angel.

You should've shot A-Rod.

Yo, Paper Bitch.

- What's up, man?
- Hey. Hey, guys.

- Paper Bitch.
- Paper Bitch.

I don't like that, actually.

I know you guys think it's fun,
but I don't like that name.

Still working on
the Danson and Highsmith paperwork?

- Shit.
- No, actually, actually, that's...

What is this? That looks stupid.

Guys, it's illegal permitting for construction.
Specifically, scaffolding.

Some of the guys were talking.

They were like, "How come you've never
fired your weapon in the office before?"

Good point.

I'm sorry, I don't follow.

You've never fired your weapon
in the office.

We all have, you know.
It's called a desk pop.

Fellas, look, I know
you don't respect me as a police officer.

- Not true.
- I'm not stupid.

I'm not gonna discharge my firearm
in the office.

Gamble, listen to me.
I'll try to make it real clear.

We honor the flag, and you crap on it
when you don't shoot your gun in the office.

Jimmy.
When's the last time you had a desk pop?

September '08.

- Be a man. Do it.
- Now.

- Please, please, do it.
- Pop one off!

- There you go. Pop it off!
- Don't think, just go!

- Here we go.
- Do it, yes.

He did it!

Hey! Shots fired!

Hey, Terry, I did it! I did my first desk pop!

It's a real thing, right?

- A desk pop?
- Yeah.

No, that's not real!

They were so convincing in their argument,
they swung me.

All right, Allen,
you're gonna have to hand over your gun.

Yes, sir.

Captain, you really wanna disarm this guy,
take out the batteries in the calculator.

All right, I'm gonna give you this.
This is a dummy gun. I use it for ceremony.

There.

You get this back
when I feel you know how to handle it.

Listen, guys.
I'm working two jobs. I'm working here.

And I got anotherjob
at Bed Bath and Beyond. Okay?

I'm doing that just to put a kid through NYU

so he can explore his bisexuality
and become a deejay.

Now the last thing I need
is a ballistics report in the unit.

I'm just gonna ask you guys,
please, come on, really.

Just think about... Just be smart.

211 in progress.

They're using a wrecking ball
to clean out Castien Jewelry.

All right, we got it.

- Good luck, guys. Have a good one.
- Allen, let's go.

- No, I got work to do.
- What? This is work!

Hey, yo! Danson and Highsmith.
We roll in heavy.

You cream puffs, sit tight.

You gotta be shitting me!

You can't keep me cooped up in here, okay?

I am a peacock! You gotta let me fly!

Did he just...
Did he just call himself a peacock?

Let's go! Let's go!

Come on, fellas!

Wednesday night is taco night
at Rikers Island!

That's the second one this week!

Hey, you monkeys! Stop!

Let's go!

Yeah!

Heads up!

Shit.

Special Forces zipline.

Cut that line! Cut it! Let's go!

- These guys are pros.
- Let's go!

You thinking what I'm thinking, partner?

Aim for the bushes.

Cops still argue to this day
why Danson and Highsmith jumped.

Maybe it was just pride, having survived
so many brushes with death.

Maybe their egos pushed them off.

I don't know. But that shit was crazy.

Either way, there was a hole
in New York City, and it needed to be filled.

Two days ago, this city wept.

We lost two heroes
who gave everything for us,

who paid that ultimate sacrifice
so that we may walk these streets safely.

There wasn't even an awning
in their direction.

- No, I know.
- They just jumped 20 storeys.

Doesn't make sense, does it?

I only hope God lets them take their.357s
with them to heaven.

It's our moment, Allen.
Our moment to step up and be the guys.

- We're at a funeral. Show some respect.
- What?

You don't think every other detective here
isn't thinking the same thing?

Allen, listen to me.
Danson and Highsmith are gone.

Their desks are empty.
Someone has to fill those seats.

That someone is us, okay?
The city's dying for a hero.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

What about nine million
socially-conscious and unified citizens,

all just stepping up and doing their part?

As a little kid, didn't you dress up
and play cops and robbers?

I'll tell you what I did as a little kid.

I went to school and made my bed.

And at age 11, I audited my parents.

And believe me, there were some
discrepancies, and I was grounded.

What the hell are you?

Well, well, well. What do we got here?

Look at these two jamokes, would you?
One shot Jeter and the other shot an office.

Have some decorum. We're at a funeral.

You wanna dance, brolio?

I will rock your body with big, nasty hooks.
You'll be pissing blood out of your ass.

That's horrible.

Why don't you step back, man?

You touch him, I swear to God

I'm gonna beat the shit out of you
with Allen's head.

He's not gonna do that. That's hyperbole.
But that's a weird example.

- You wanna go?
- I wanna go!

- Get him off.
- Kick his ass, Martin.

Yeah. How do you like that?

- Pull his hair!
- I love it.

This hurts so good.

- Very sorry for your loss, ma'am.
- What a lovely hat.

I love your shoes.

- It's fine, it's fine.
- Go, go.

Punish him!

Oh, man.

Do it. That's how we do it in the hood.

- Punish him.
- That's not even a move.

I'm the winner.
I'm the winner, everybody saw it.

What the hell is going on here?

Two good men are dead,

and you guys are fighting over
who's gonna be the next hotshot?

Is that what's happening?

Yes, that's exactly what's happening.

Let me tell you something.

- Sorry for your loss, Lorraine.
- Very sorry.

- Sorry, Lorraine.
- Sorry, Lorraine.

Hi, I'm Jimmy.

- Too soon?
- Why'd you say that?

I'll tell you something about those guys.

They knew that to become a good cop,
you had to solve cases. Okay?

Okay, and maybe you start
with the Castien robbery.

Okay? So just watch it.

Next time, me, you, library.

- Not even close.
- Come on, guys. Guys, come on.

- You are...
- I'm the winner!

I didn't need you to stick up for me, okay?
I could've handled that myself.

Hey, don't flatter yourself.
It's the partner's code. I had no choice.

Move.

- 9:15, let's have a great day, everybody!
- Cut the shit!

Good morning.

We've got shots fired. 509 East 10th Street.

There are large amounts of cocaine
on the scene.

Try to stay out of trouble, boys.

There's no chance
you'd wanna go on that call, right?

No chance. Too busy.

All right, ladies. Starting to get the picture?
We're about to lock shit down.

- That's right.
- You girls stay here and get your type on.

Go get them, guys.
Lot of energy, lot of focus.

Shut up!

Allen, could I see you in the hallway
for a second?

I... I'm super busy right now, Terry.

No, no, no, I know. This'll be real quick.

It's about the construction permits
you were talking about.

- The scaffolding violations?
- This is our thing, yeah.

So, what do you got?

I got this! I'll put one right in your neck.

What are you doing?

Let's go. We're going to that call.

- What is this?
- Shut up.

We're going to the car,
and we're going after this case.

- You're not gonna shoot me.
- I won't?

- No.
- I shot Jeter.

- That was an accident.
- Was it?

- Now move.
- Okay.

Hey.

Does anybody see this?
He's got a gun on me.

I'm being kidnapped.

Really, we're in a police station
and no one is interested in this?

- So, then what happened?
- What do you think happened?

I woke up, I took the belt off my neck,
and I got in my car, and I got out of there.

Talk about a wild weekend, right?

I thought I was gonna
have to shoot my way out.

What are you gonna do, though, you know?
Bar mitzvahs.

What the hell is this?

It's my car. It's a Prius.

I feel like we're literally driving around
in a vagina.

Detective Hoitz and Gamble
are on that 518 on East 10th.

Negatory, Martin and Fosse,
two minutes out.

We'll just see who's there first.

You stay out of our crime scene!
You hear me?

Go, go, go!

You feel that, Allen?
That tingling in your balls?

Big metal butterflies fluttering around
in your stomach?

Are you sure
you don't have testicular cancer?

I got something to get you going.

Let's go do some damage!

Nope.

What the hell is that?

LRB. Little River Band.

This music makes me feel like
I'm going shopping for a training bra.

You know what?
We go with no music, okay?

- Fine.
- Say bye.

No, no, no, don't say bye...

You just signed
your own death warrant, Hoitz!

Allen, punch that accelerator
or I will shoot you in the foot!

America!

Allen! Allen, hit the brake!

Seriously, slow the car down!
We're approaching the crime scene!

Terry, I'm coming in.

You're gonna smash
right through the tape! Allen!

Dude! What...

That's a lot of cocaine.

Did you yell "America"
when you hit the accelerator?

Nope. No. No.

I've never actually put my foot
all the way down

to the ground with the accelerator like that.

It got me slightly aroused.

Here we go.

Way to put your stamp
on the crime scene, guys.

- Prius, huh?
- Yep, yep.

Good mileage?

- Outstanding.
- Yeah.

Did this come with a dental dam?

- No.
- Get it?

My Suburban shit one of these last night.

I didn't know they put tampons on wheels.

We've had our fun, huh?

Looks like Scarface sneezed on your car.

All right, everybody!

I'm gonna need you all to back up now.
We're taking over.

"At the crime scene, LOL."

- Good tweet, good tweet.
- Yeah, thanks.

America has always been defined
by its excess.

The Grand Canyon,
professional sports contracts.

Wendy's Baconator, extra bacon.

I myself have 18 Lamborghinis

and a Subaru station wagon.

And it's because of this excess
that I have flourished.

I implore you, please, do not stop profiting.

Live for excess. It's the American way.

Hello.

Mr. Ershon? I believe this call's for you.

Sir David.

David. You're not returning my calls,
so I'd like you to meet Roger Wesley.

- G'day, mate.
- Hey.

Roger and his team are gonna babysit you
because I don't trust you,

because I think you're going to take off.

Pamela, this is ridiculous.
I'm not going anywhere.

David, listen,
the Lendl quarterlies come out on the 26th.

You have until then to give me my money.
I'm not reporting any losses, David.

I have zeroed in on a new investor.

Well, then, you get their money,
make it disappear, and then pay us back.

Yes, yes, I'll tell him
he doesn't need to keep watching me.

- David!
- Okay, sweetheart, bye-bye.

Yeah. She overreacted. She's a woman.
So, you're good to go.

Heard everything, mate.

Ladies and gentlemen,

guess who gave me the secrets
to making my first billion dollars.

That man there.

Go! Go!

- Side!
- Step aside, please.

You don't think I'm a real cop, do you?

No, I don't. I've said that
directly to your face numerous times.

I was really honest about that.

I'm working on a huge case, all right?

Property owner with seven buildings
under construction.

He hasn't applied
for a single scaffolding permit.

Now, according to Ask Jeeves, this perp
is at the Plaza Hotel speaking right now.

- That's your big case? Scaffolding permits?
- Yeah.

Guess what? You're coming with me.

It's a wooden gun.

That hurts, man!

I've always got Little River Band
loaded up here. I've got six disks in here.

Claude, meet me outside,
at the back of the service entrance.

I'm flying Air Singapore.

- Hey, Douglas. How's the wife?
- She died.

Attaboy!

I'll be there in two minutes exactly.

Another thing I hate about you?
You always pay in exact change.

You're just mad
because I have a nice change purse.

Why do you even care?

How can I help it? You know what?
You know what's worse?

The way you fart.
Even your farts, they're not manly.

You're being ridiculous.

They sound like a baby blowing out
the candles on a birthday cake.

- What?
- Like a little...

- You know what bugs me about you?
- What?

I'm pretty sure you've never voted.

No, I vote. Sports radio, AM 880.
Play of the week.

You're like a child in a leatherjacket.
That's what you're like.

Get out of the way, man!

Wait. Are you David Ershon?

Yeah, well, it's Sir David Ershon,
but I don't bother with the...

Anyway, little bit of a rush, gentlemen,
if you don't mind. Thank you.

- Excuse me, but you're under arrest, okay?
- What?

You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you do or say can be used...

- What's the next part?
- As a floatation device.

As a floatation device.

You know what? That's very funny.
I have never Miranda-ed anyone before.

- Really?
- Are you guys for real?

Am I being punk'd?

Detective Allen Gamble.

We are in a cocaine-covered car,
and we are bringing in a perp.

- One David Ershon.
- 175 pounds.

- Thank you. 175 pounds.
- Shut up, man, shut up!

Martin and Fosse are probably on Studio B
talking to Shepard Smith right now.

We arrest this jerkoff
for a scaffolding permit?

Wait, wait, wait,
what am I being arrested for?

For scaffolding permit violation...

- I got my insurance card. Somewhere.
- Easy, mate.

- What the hell? You ran right into us!
- Stand over there.

Wood?

What the...

- Couldn't see the car. It's big enough, mate.
- What?

Do not let these men take me.

Hi.

Why's she looking at you like that?

That's my car!

Hey, hey, hey!
We didn't exchange insurance information!

Hey! Excuse me!

Why did they take our shoes?

- What the hell just happened?
- Where's my iPhone?

I think we've walked 30 blocks, man.

I don't get why we can't just call the office
and have a squad car come pick us up.

No. They took our shoes,
our guns, and our car.

There's no way that's going out on the radio.

Look, if we're gonna do this together,
there's some issues we need to settle, okay?

I mean, you said I had a weak chin.
You said the way I pee is feminine.

How do you think that makes me feel?

I mean, that list you have,
you put a lot of thought in. It's weird.

I hear you.

Let's clean the slate right now. Fresh start.

All right. Fresh start.

Maybe we should call ourselves
the Febreze Brothers,

'cause it's feeling so fresh right now.

Right?

Let's do another fresh start, 'cause
I just wanted to punch you in the face.

Fine, fresh start.

It's the last one.

I have to be able to express myself
and say things, you know.

- Okay, folks! Everybody, listen up!
- Listen up!

Got a high profile kidnapping.

David Ershon, wealthy banker,
multinational team.

Maybe a sleeper cell, but it's too early to tell.

Hey, Bilbo Baggins. Where are your shoes?
'Cause your feet are black.

Who cares? It's not important, okay?

Hoitz, Gamble, Captain. Not good.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye-bye.

Come on.

Guys, this is Don Beaman,
the attorney for Mr. Ershon.

Roger Wesley, head of his private security.

- Hey, how are you? You son of a bitch!
- Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, Terry! Take it easy!

- That's the guy who took our guns, Captain.
- And my shoes!

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Did you
identify yourselves as police officers?

What is this?

- Allen, tell me. Did you?
- No, we did not.

Sorry, gentlemen.
We thought you were abducting Mr. Ershon.

It's only protocol.

Mr. Ershon has agreed to correct this
scaffolding situation. The case is closed.

I've taken care of all necessary paperwork.

And you fellas, at this point,
should just be glad that

Mr. Ershon is not pressing charges
for excessive use of force.

- Thank you, Captain.
- You bet.

Australian?

Special Forces, right?

Best watch your step, Detective.

There are three things I love in this world.

Kylie Minogue,

small dimples just above
a woman's buttocks...

Beautiful features.

...and the fear in a man's eye
who knows I'm about to hurt him.

Hey! Shake your dicks.
This pissing contest is over.

Come on, man.

All right, look, they returned your shoes.

And they returned your weapons.
Here you go, Terry.

Allen, someone was nice enough
to put linseed oil on it,

some kind of stain on that,
dark walnut or something.

You might wanna think about
dropping them a thank you note.

Okay.

You're mad at us, huh, Gene?

First off, don't call me Gene.
I'm your captain.

Guys, do you remember
the "Be Smart" speech?

- Sure.
- All right.

Well, what did you do?
What'd you do about it?

The opposite.
We were not smart, Captain Gene.

It's just "Captain."

Just "Captain." It's not "Captain Gene."
I don't have a kiddie show.

That sounds creepy, "Captain Gene."

Police mistakenly arrest
investment banker, David Ershon.

Was he the victim of financial profiling?

Financial profiling? That's crazy.
He broke the law and we arrested him.

That wasn't a security team. He said,
"Don't let these people take me."

I mean, when you hear hooves,
you think horses, not zebras.

What about donkeys or deer?

They have hooves.
What about bovine creatures?

Were you just thinking to yourself,
"Fresh start"?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. I could see it.

Listen, why don't we just
go over to my place?

We'll talk the case down.

We can have a little dinner.
You can meet Sheila.

Two cops talking down a case
while eating food, all right?

- It's not dinner.
- Fine.

And let me apologize in advance, okay,

in case my wife acts like a world-class bitch.

She's a big old broad,
and she likes to wield it.

Okay, so I put together a little bio,
complete with pictures of Mr. David Ershon.

I used Adobe Premiere.
I like to do a little weekend editing.

I recently just cut three minutes
out of Goodfellas.

David Ershon is currently
the CEO of Ershon Consortium.

Who's that talking?

It's the Frontline Narration App.
It's only 99 cents.

Ershon Consortium, current financial
investments exceed $70 billion.

His largest clients include
Schering-Plough and Lendl Global.

Lendl Global has those TV ads
where I can't figure out what they do.

Yeah, oil, media, health care,
you've probably heard theirjingle.

Lendl Global, we're in everything

David Ershon is often found
in the company of Judge Scalia...

- Yeah.
...and the lead singer of Maroon 5.

I mean, this guy could be
connected to drug cartels,

black market organ sales,
human trafficking, all of it.

How do you get that
from anything I just said?

Hey, guys! Soup's on.

What do you mean?

Hi.

- Hi.
- You must be Terry.

I'm sorry I've been hiding, honey,
but this dinner was tricky.

- Who are you?
- I'm Dr. Sheila Gamble, his wife.

- Come on, seriously. Who is that?
- His old lady.

- Sweetie, it's a workstation.
- Got it.

And you come in here,
dressed like a hobo, it's distracting.

I know you're working. I'm so sorry.

- Come on, seriously.
- Come on, what?

Who is that?

That's the old...
That's the old ball and chain.

Get over here.

- Not... Not right now.
- Okay.

Look, they're not all first-round picks, okay?

Come on, are you gonna tell me who that is?

- Are you really Allen's wife?
- I know.

People are shocked
because he's Episcopalian and I'm Catholic,

but somehow it works.

- Are you gonna change?
- I already did.

It's no big deal. You look really, really nice.

Terry, you don't have to be polite, okay?
She looks kind of shitty.

Don't speak to her like that, Allen.

Look, if I put that in my Cosmo Fashion App,
you'd probably get a D-.

Allen and his apps. He loves them.

You know he's designed three of his own?
One of them... Can I tell him?

One of them,
you can take a picture of anybody's face,

and it'll tell you
what the back of his head looks like.

- Faceback.
- Faceback.

Got some horrible reviews
coming out of the gate.

- It's gonna hit.
- It's gonna catch.

Why are you with Allen?

I mean, that's not what I meant.
I meant, how did you guys meet?

It's a really typical
"how we met" story, Terry.

You're gonna be bored by it.

I was a dancer for the Knicks while
finishing my residency at Columbia Hospital.

Allen came into the ER
with poison ivy on his rectum.

Yes.

Needless to say, I fell for him immediately.

We immediately spent the next three days
at the La Quinta Inn,

- and, to be honest, we didn't speak.
- Three days

of not communicating once verbally.

We had actually, without knowing it,

developed a language of eye flutters
and non-verbal gestures.

You know, Terry,
it was just this primal connection.

After those three days of non-verbal
communication and a whole lot of loving,

I had to go to a specialist
to get my hips realigned.

Similar to operating on a German shepherd

- when they have hip dysplasia.
- Very painful.

It's funny, it's like a scene from that
one movie, always forget the name of it.

- With Meg Ryan.
- Yes.

I don't remember a movie where Meg Ryan
meets a guy with poison ivy up his ass.

- I'll think of it. I'll think of it.
- Okay.

So, what about you, Terry?
Do you have a girl?

I did, yeah.

We were supposed to get married,
but she backed out. It's complicated.

- Terry shot Derek Jeter.
- Shut up, Allen. This was before.

That's okay.

She's Got Mail.
That's the name of the movie.

That's it! Honey!

- With Tom Hanks?
- Right.

- And Meg Ryan.
- Meg Ryan.

He didn't have poison ivy up his ass.

- Yes, he did.
- Yes, he did. Yeah.

Way up there.

Well, Terry, can't thank you enough
for coming by. What a...

What a wonderful, lovely evening.
Thank you.

- It was so, so nice meeting you, Terry.
- It was my pleasure. Thank you.

And remember, all I ask of you is,
you don't let him get hurt, Terry.

- She tells me that every day before I leave.
- Yep, I do.

I come downstairs and I make him
his fresh-cut strawberries,

and I say, "Listen, my little sugar balls,
whatever you do today,

"you just don't get hurt."

Yeah. Every morning.

And then I show him my breasts,
and I say, "These are waiting for you

- "when you get back home."
- Right.

You know, Terry, they're not
the biggest breasts he's ever seen,

- but, man, are they perky.
- Not by a long shot.

- And they are firm, and they are yours.
- You're a nice lady.

Thank you for coming.

Detectives Hoitz and Gamble?
Detectives Hoitz and Gamble? Over.

Go for Hoitz.

- We found your red Prius.
- Great.

It was trying to vote for Ralph Nader.

- Come on.
- Okay, sugar balls, listen up.

There's gonna be fingerprints on that car.

Tomorrow, we're gonna run those
fingerprints through the system.

And if we get a hit, this case is gonna
heat up faster than a junkie's spoon.

You do one thing
when you wake up tomorrow, bring it.

- Okay.
- Thank you, Sheila.

He'll bring it.

- Good night!
- Good night.

Thank you, Sheila.

- Bye, Terry!
- Bye, Sheila! I'll never forget tonight.

- Bye, Terry!
- All right, Allen, whatever. Go inside.

Bye, Sheila!

- Night!
- See you... See you, Terry!

Bye, Sheila.

I don't know if he heard me. Bye, Terry!

Bye, Sheila!

Well, here she is. They left her
under an overpass for the night.

You find anything?

Yeah. We found a lot of stuff.

From bodily fluid and hair samples,

we determined that a bunch of old,
homeless dudes had an orgy in the car.

- Oh, God.
- Yeah.

You know what that's called
when they do that in there?

That's called a soup kitchen.

It's pretty rough stuff.

Not long after that,
a mama raccoon came along

and gave birth on the floor.

Placenta blew out
all over the back window there.

Yeah, and then to top it all off,
some joker comes along

takes himself a nifty little dump
in the driver's seat.

I think he knew you guys were cops,

because this is what I would call
a spite shit.

You were able to determine all of that

- from the hair and fluid samples?
- Oh, yeah.

What about fingerprints?
You find any fingerprints?

- Nope, couldn't get a one.
- Found a cell phone.

Yeah, that's mine.

Any signs of a struggle or spent shells?

No. Believe me, everybody that was
in on this orgy was more than willing.

In fact, they even left you a note here.

"Thanks for the F-shack.
Love, Dirty Mike and the boys."

Here's something we found.

We found about a dozen
unscratched lottery tickets.

No fingerprints or nothing. Check that out.

Yeah, it's a real shame, you know.
I got myself a Prius. It's a hell of a machine.

It's my first brand-new car.
I've never owned a new car.

Found a deer vagina.

- What?
- Thought it was human lips at first.

Then we took a closer look.
It was definitely a deer vagina.

Not even a free ticket.

What are we gonna do?

We got no fingerprints,
a bunch of losing lottery tickets.

Look at this, there's a two-minute phone call
made after we were jumped.

- They used your phone?
- They ghost dialed.

Someone probably sat on it.

It could have recorded some of their
conversation when Ershon got grabbed.

We gotta hear the other side of that call.

Nope, no, it's nothing.

- Nothing? It's the only lead we have.
- It's nothing. It's nothing.

Why did you just get superjumpy?

What?

It's an ex-girlfriend, okay?

What's the matter?
What happened with you guys?

She was just a bit of a handful, that's it.

Allen, it's the only lead we have.

We either go with this
or we walk away from this case right now.

Fine. Let's go see her.

Hello, Christinith.

Hello, Allen.

- That's my partner, Terry.
- Hi, Telly.

- Holy shit. Dude.
- Just relax, relax.

I waited for you in Tower Records
for four hours.

That was 13 years ago.

Arnold Palmer alert. Arnold Palmer alert.
Who wants some Arnie Palmies?

Sweetie, this one has the vodky, right here.

- Hal, just place it down, please.
- All righty.

Okay.

I did things in bed with you
that I haven't done with anyone since.

No.

- Christinith, your husband, it's awkward.
- Oh, no, he knows all of this.

- You're a lucky dog.
- It's true.

Christine, this is a lovely house.

It's Christinith.
Are you stupid, or are you deaf?

Christinith, you idiot!

You come to our house,
you get my wife's name right!

- What?
- Christinith!

Look, we really appreciate the hospitality.

We'd just love to get the message off
your cell phone.

We believe it might give us information
regarding a kidnapping.

Okay. Why don't you come to the kitchen,
and I will let you listen to it

and everyone else stay here.

- Okay, sweetie.
- Come on.

- There's my phone.
- Great, thank you for...

I hate you, you son of a bitch!

- You're so strong.
- I'm stronger than you will ever know!

I hate you! I hate you!

You're so adorable.
Look at your face. Look at your face.

You go, "I wuv you."
Say it. "I wuv you, Cwistinith."

You probably think because of the beard
that I'm really hairy.

But I'm not.

Shaved.

- Allen!
- He's fine.

Question.

What would you rather be,

a bear or a dog?

- I don't care.
- I wanna be

a bear dog. Half dog, half bear.

'Cause that way, I could live in the house

but I still get to make a doodie
out in the woods.

Allen!

Allen! Allen!

- This is police evidence. Terry! Let's go!
- Hey!

You get back here
and you make love to my wife!

Allen! Allen!

I don't get it, man. I just do not get it.

I mean,
that girl Christinith was seriously hot.

Your wife is crazy hot.

I mean, even that Brazilian security chick,
she threw you a "Do me" vibe.

What is it with you and hot ladies?

First off, my wife is cute, but she's not hot.

Dude, you're insane.
Your wife is scalding hot.

- You wanna listen to this message or not?
- Yeah, whatever.

You have one job, mate.

Find a sucker to invest with you

so you can pay my boss back
the money you lost.

And I don't care who.

Right. I actually think I found a sucker...

- He's talking to Ershon.
...to invest $32 billion.

Who's got $32 billion to rob?

Once I get the money, I'll falsify the records

to show their massive losses
and then repay your employer.

Now, since you're following me,
I need to go to 2300 Park Avenue,

and after that...

I told you it wasn't a security team.

- He was being abducted.
- Obviously, but what kind... Holy...

Nobody leaves our house
without making love to my wife!

- Is that him?
- Yeah!

Oh, my God, they came out of nowhere!

- Holy shit!
- They chased us 20 miles.

- You come back here! You get back here!
- Allen!

2300 Park Avenue.
It's the offices of the lottery.

Holy shit, the lottery tickets we found.

Ershon is using the lottery money
to cover his losses.

$32 billion. That's the state's money.

Well, what do we tell Mauch?
A guy lost some money.

We have a scratchy cell phone message
and an address. It's still half a case.

There's gotta be some sort of paper trail.
If we can find that, we can track it,

then we can go to Mauch.

So, I did some more research
on Ershon's accounting firm,

and I found some pretty interesting stuff.

It turns out that Gretchel and Dawson has...

Hold on, I'm up.

I gave my love to Erin

She promised to be true

I went to war to come back

And find five British soldiers

Had their way with her

It was consensual

Done?

Gretchel and Dawson Accounting Firm
in Fair Lawn, New Jersey

has only one client, David Ershon.

Pretty rinky-dink operation
for a guy like that.

Looks like we're going to Jersey
to visit an accounting firm.

That's a shitty day.

And all their fathers were hanged

And the children all got pink eye

While their Harry Potter books were burned

Do you have fun singing those songs?
They're really depressing.

I do. They're full of rich history.

Damn it, I'm late.
I was supposed to go meet my lady.

I thought you said you guys split up.

Let's just keep our thing about work, okay?

All right. Goodbye, buddy.

Hey, get off me, man.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm dancing, Terry.
What the hell are you doing here?

I love you, Francine.

If you were with me, you wouldn't be here
in this strip club, shaking it for dollar bills!

This is a ballet studio, Terry.
Okay? These poles are horizontal.

He loves you very much, Francine.

- Who is this guy?
- What are you doing here, Allen?

It's the code. I'm your partner.

I'm here to support a friend
and a work colleague.

Francine, is this guy bothering you?

Who's this, your new boyfriend?
Great. You got a new boyfriend.

He is my dance partner, Terry. Okay?

I know that this is a big surprise,

but there are other things in the world
besides being a cop. Okay?

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm gonna dance.

What, you don't think I can do this shit?

That was surprisingly good, Terry.

- I love you, Francine.
- You don't know what love is.

He loves you very much, Francine!

I heard it when he said it. Thank you.

You know what you're doing to me?
You're killing me inside.

And don't eyeball me, man!

You're running around
with this crack-dealing drug addict?

Terry!

He does not approve of your behavior!

Can you please go?

And you, too,
creepy guy standing in the door?

Let's go, Allen.

I think we all experienced
our own ballet today.

The ballet of emotion and feelings.

You're kind of making things worse.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Hey, I didn't know you could dance.

We used to do those dance moves
to make fun of guys when we were kids,

show them how queer they were, okay?

- You learned to dance like that sarcastically?
- Yeah, I guess.

Stay out of my personal life, okay?
The kid flies private.

Stay focused on the case, man.
I'll see you in Jersey tomorrow.

All right, Terry.

Hey, that was liberating for me.
I don't know how it felt for you.

Here, check this out.
Article from six months ago.

Talking about how the lottery is looking

to invest their $30-billion fund
more aggressively.

So he's dealing drugs?

No, it's not drugs. This isn't Miami Vice.

Look, I'm sorry. I just...

I am in a bit of a state today.
Sheila and I got into it last night.

What happened?

She was interested in taking this class
at The Learning Annex, right?

Called "The Art of Oral Sex"?

You know, we just don't have it
in the budget right now.

It's always about her.

Yeah, that's... That's messed up.

Hey, I got you a gift.

I just saw something, and I thought of you,
and so, I don't want it to be weird.

I just wanted to be nice.

Of course it's weird.

It's a grown man
giving another man a present.

There you go. Open it up.

It's okay, you're welcome.

I like to do things like that.

Take a look what it says.

You know,
because we're both in law enforcement.

We both like women.

But I got a weird sense of humor.
I'm a sick puppy.

I can't look at it. It makes me laugh so hard.

Me, too.

Real nice. You know, it's all class.

- Okay.
- Don't do that shit any more.

Yeah, believe me, I won't.

Do you understand
what's so funny about it, though?

'Cause it's the FBI, right?
It has the same logo, the same shield.

And at first glance, you're like,
it's just a mug that says "FBI."

But then at second glance,
you're like, "Female Body Inspector"?

Get out of town. This is outrageous...

Shut up!

I'm gonna climb over
that anger wall of yours

one of these days,

and it's gonna be glorious.

Shouldn't we tell Mauch that
we're going to check this place out?

For what? We're just going to check it out.

I know, but it's procedure.

Terry answers to no one.

I do what I do.

What accounting firm is closed at 11:00 a.m.
On a Tuesday?

This is a shithole.

I love bombs.

I can't hear! I can't hear!

There's blood blisters on my hands!

Oh, my God!

How do they walk away in movies
without flinching

when it explodes behind them?

There's no way! I call bullshit on that!

When they flew the Millennium Falcon
outside of the Death Star,

and it was followed by the explosion,
that was bullshit!

Don't you dare badmouth Star Wars!
That was all accurate!

I need an MRI.

I need an MRI! I've got soft tissue damage.

There's no way
I don't have soft tissue damage.

Please stop.

I just wanna go somewhere
and breastfeed right now!

Fire Department said it was a gas leak,
but no way. That was timed.

They didn't wanna kill us,
but they wanted to scare us.

Yeah, well, they succeeded, okay?

I'm tired of this. All right?

I'm tired of explosions
and people pointing guns at me.

I wanna go back to my desk.

Guess what? Life gets loud sometimes
and messes with your ears.

You can't escape it by hiding
at your desk for your whole life.

You know what? Yes, you can.
I've done it for years, okay?

There's no explosions at my desk.

There's no explosions at my home
with my plain wife, in my plain house.

What are you afraid of, man?

I'm your partner. You can tell me.
What the hell are you hiding from?

I was a sophomore in college.

The university I went to
decided they needed to raise tuition.

A classmate of mine, Brenda, in an effort
to raise money and stay in school,

came up with a nifty plan

where she thought she'd date guys
and charge them money.

I go on dates all the time,

with a whole bunch of,
you know, boys and stuff.

And I kind of need somebody to help me out,
like, you know, my partner in crime.

Yeah, I could make a schedule.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's what I was thinking.

- Provide transportation services.
- Yeah, yeah.

- It's gonna be a good time.
- Thanks so much for asking me.

She said she needed my help to make sure
that the dates went okay

and that the guys paid her.
She said she'd give me a percentage.

- Oh, my God. You were a pimp.
- What? God, no.

No, I was just trying to help a friend.

We started making a lot of money.

And wouldn't you know it,
some of Brenda's girlfriends

decided they wanted to be a part of it.

Pretty soon, there were about 14 ladies
that I was protecting

while they gave me money.

That's called a stable of whores.

We decided I shouldn't use my real name.
So we came up with the name "Gator."

I'm telling you, you were a pimp.

No! Are you even listening to the story?

Anyway, one day,
I wake up and I look in the mirror,

and I don't like what I see.

I mean, I had gotten out of control,
and I didn't even realize it.

You can't have a conscience
in the pimp game.

One night, two of my favorite girls,

Candy and Jolene, said,
"We gotta take you in,"

and they dropped me off
at the emergency room.

That's where I met Sheila. I was a mess.

I made a promise to myself and to her
that I would never get out of control again.

So, as soon as I graduated from college,

I became an accountant
for the police department.

The most stable job I could think of.

An accountant for law and order.

I just don't wanna ever feel out of control
like that ever again.

Don't worry. I got your back.

Now I say we go get in Ershon's grill
and see if he cracks.

- I'm tired of all this tippy-toeing around.
- Okay.

You can either walk the plank
or take your panties off.

The choice is yours.

- I want to take my panties off.
- You've made a wise choice, you have.

Mr. Ershon, Detective Gamble and the officer
who shot Derek Jeter are here.

Gentlemen, please.

- Remember us, hotshot?
- Of course I do. Please, sit.

There she blows.

Two of those Russian waters, please.
No lime wedges, just cucumber.

Guess where we just came from?
An explosion at your accounting office.

Yes, that awful gas leak.

Gas leak? The only gas leak is the one
coming out of your mouth right now.

I just thank God
no one was hurt or injured in a bad way.

I absolutely abhor death.

Hey, Andrew Lloyd Webber.
The jig is up, okay?

We know that wasn't your security team
that grabbed you.

And we know you're targeting a big fish
to cover losses.

You talk or I beat you
so it don't show no bruises.

God, this water is good.
Terry, have you tried the water?

Shut up, Allen.

I assure you,
I have no idea what you're talking about.

I understand there was a bit of a mix-up
with the whole scaffolding business.

The cucumber accents the water
in such a way that...

Perhaps by way of apology,
I can offer you my personal courtside seats

for the Knicks game,
with access to the Ambassador Club.

Come on, Knicks! Come on!
I got Knicks' fever and it's catching!

Hey. This feels weird sitting here.
It feels like it's a bribe.

It is a bribe. Son-of-a-bitch,
I saw courtside and I went blind.

Come on.

Call me!

- Excuse me.
- That was a trick.

No more.

Gentlemen, you have a choice.
Mamma Mia or Jersey Boys.

Fantastic! You're so unbelievable!

Damn it. He did it again.

- Excuse me.
- No more tickets.

Mr. Ershon,
I tried to keep them in the waiting room.

That's okay, Susan. Two Glacier waters
with Mediterranean limes.

No, no, no. No more water.
We're not here for that.

No, I was very much looking forward
to having a water.

- How great is Jersey Boys?
- It's not great. It's fantastic!

You totally undersold it.
The pageantry, the costumes.

Wow, what a musical.

Hey. Get over here.

- What's wrong with you?
- What?

That's not what we're here for.

We're gonna do good cop, bad cop. Okay?

It's the oldest game in the book for a reason,
it works.

I come strong, then you come in.

- You got it?
- Yeah.

- I come strong, then you come in.
- Right. Got it.

Now you listen to me, you piece of shit.

It's just you and me,
and I'm gonna rip you apart!

How did you cover your losses up?
What drug cartel are you working with now?

- Okay, I'll talk to you, you're reasonable!
- No, no, look at me!

You wanna talk to me?
You wanna talk to me?

Allen, what are you doing?
What are you doing? Allen!

I'm gonna make you eat
a plate of human shit!

Get away from me!

Where is he?

Look, I'm really sorry about that.

I saw how aggressive you were being,
and I thought,

"Wow, I gotta go even bigger than that,
since we're doing bad cop, bad cop."

What? No, I said, "Good cop, bad cop."
I'm the bad cop, you're the good cop.

Okay, then there it is. That's it.
I thought you said, "Bad cop, bad cop."

Well, while you were going crazy,
look what I snagged from his desk.

- Think it's his phone sheet.
- Nice.

Seven calls to the lottery office.

That could be the evidence
we need for Mauch.

- Get back. Colombian drug lords.
- Where are you getting that from?

Jesus!

Can you imagine where you'd be
in your career if you hadn't shot Jeter?

- We call this in, right?
- Looks like we got all the evidence we need.

I'm sorry, my butterfly.

We'll load them up, send them back to go.

- Holy shit.
- What?

What do you mean, what? Where are we?

We're in the high desert.

They took my shoes again, man!
What the hell is it with taking shoes?

- They took your wooden gun?
- Yeah.

- Hello?
- Hello, Gene? I mean, Captain.

Captain, it's Allen Gamble.

Yeah, yeah. Where are you?
What's going on?

Captain, it's a long story,
but I'm just gonna cut to the chase.

We are in Las Vegas, all right?

We were kidnapped, put on a freight train,
and shipped out here.

Let me just stop you right there.
Don't bullshit me.

Captain, I am being straight with you.

Look, we think something's going on, okay?

We think Ershon is targeting the lottery
to cover his losses.

Wait. How many times
did I explicitly say to you, "Lay off Ershon"?

Terry, Captain wants to know

how many times
has he asked us to lay off Ershon.

Twice.

Twice. Terry says twice. I agree.

I'm hanging up. I'm done.

I gotta tell you, I started getting a hand
for that, a taste for that Pai Gow.

Martin and Fosse, super cops,
in three, two...

So, we busted that junkie.
Got back 74 thou in diamonds. 74 thou.

Solved the Castien case.

$74,000? That's all they took?

There's millions of dollars of diamonds
in that place.

How about this, Gamble?
How about you shut your face?

All right? Just shut it.

Hoitz, Gamble, Captain's looking for you.

I know it's off the subject,
but is Kevlar copyrighted?

- Captain?
- Yeah.

- Is it a bad time?
- No, come on. Come on.

- Not me, right?
- Yeah, and you.

Fellows, I'm sure you're familiar with
the venerable DA Radford.

He wanted to come down and pay us a visit.

Hello, gentlemen.

- Hello, sir.
- Hey.

- You know, I was talking to Gene here.
- He prefers "Captain."

Yes, I was talking to Gene here,
and, you know, it's funny.

I don't know what you two have been up to,

but I've been getting calls
from people I don't ever get calls from.

In 40 years of enforcing the law,
I've learned one thing.

When that happens, stop.

- Gene, how's the family?
- Good, good, Louis, thanks for asking.

- My son's bisexual, so...
- Tremendous.

Gentlemen, do we understand each other?

- Cut the crap!
- Will do.

Guy never comes down here.

Twenty years, I think I've seen that guy
in this building one time.

- He's a heavyweight cat, that guy.
- He was sitting right here.

Yeah. I think you missed the point.
Anyway, look.

Blue and white found your firearms down
by the Hudson River. Here you go, Terry.

You know what?

I'm gonna hang on to the wooden gun.

- To give me back my real gun?
- No.

'Cause I'm gonna give you this.

It's a rape whistle.
You blow that if you run into any trouble

and someone with an actual gun
will come and help you out.

We were abducted, Captain! This shit is real!
Ershon's dirty. He's targeting the lottery!

Next, I want you guys to hand in all
the evidence you think you have to the SEC.

The financial district's
under theirjurisdiction.

Don't you get it? This case is talking to us!

I'm a peacock, Captain!
You gotta let me fly on this one!

You know what, Terry? Let's just settle this.
Peacocks don't fly.

- They fly, they fly a little bit.
- Yeah, about as much as a penguin.

One more thing, do me a favor,
don't go chasing waterfalls.

Was that accidental, or were you trying
to quote TLC on purpose?

I don't even understand the reference.

- You don't understand what you said?
- I don't know what that is.

Get out. Go.

How did they get that story?

I'm tired of being treated like a jerk
for trying to do the right thing.

Hey, guys.

There's a proxy vote for a big reinvestment
of the pension coming up,

- so if you just wanna come by the old...
- Damn it, Bob!

Let me ask you something.

What do you even do around here
besides interrupt people?

Well, I serve as treasurer to the union.

I make a wicked pot of decaf.

Exactly! You're a worthless piece of shit!

Probably right, Terry.
That's why I feel so sad all the time.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

- Bob!
- Say something.

Come on! Bob!

I didn't mean it, all right? I'm upset.

Actually, we don't do that here.
This is an installation art piece.

- This coffee table?
- Yes. We don't put drinks on it.

- Five hundred thousand?
- He can read! Congratulations.

- What?
- I'm sorry, are you in the right place?

Or not? I'm...

- Terry.
- Does he... Okay.

- Well...
- Sorry. Terry! What are you doing here?

- I want to be with you.
- No, Terry, that's not gonna happen.

You know where you belong.
On top of me in the Poconos.

Instead, you're here
selling dirty coffee tables?

I mean, look at this. This is nonsense!

Terry, this is an original Haverfield-Jameson.

The chaos of the coffee table?
It represents our fractured egos.

You think I don't know
about this artsy-fartsy crap?

This coffee table isn't the ego. It represents
our shattered sense of community

in the face of capitalist-driven isolation.

Looks like the work of Cindy Sherman
or Frank Stella.

How did you know that, Terry?

I took some classes at RISD

so I could make fun of these lame artsy
douches in my neighborhood.

- Terry, lower your voice!
- I don't have to lower my voice.

- Is this man bothering you?
- Are you actually having sex with this creep?

Terry, he's gay. Okay?

He's even wearing a T-shirt that says,
"I'm gay"!

All right? And also, he is my boss.

Happy for you, man. Good.

Can you get out of here now?
I'm talking to my lady.

Mr. Reger, everything is fine.
Terry is actually leaving now.

Nice toot, sailor. Jesus.

Terry, what are you doing?

Look, I waited three years
for you to be more than a cop, okay?

Just give me one more year.

Terry, you don't get another year. I'm done.

Fine.

- Terry, don't touch that! Terry!
- Oh, my God!

I don't need this shit. I don't need you!

And when you call me, I'm not coming back!

- Oh, boy! Over the top!
- How outre!

I'll burn this bitch down to the ground!

- Fresh! Energetic!
- I love his rawness!

Stop critiquing me, okay?
I'm a human being! I'm not a piece of art!

- Yes, you are.
- Bravo!

I'm a peacock flying into a rainbow!

Yes! Yes!

These braised short ribs taste
like a dog's asshole.

- Sweetie.
- You know what, I'm sitting here thinking,

"Who in the world would slow roast
a dog's asshole

"and serve it to their husband?"

- You would.
- You are being awful. What's wrong?

- Captain took us off the case.
- I'm sorry.

I told Terry about my dark days in college,
and it brought up some feelings.

Well, honeydick, that was a long time ago.
You're not that same person you were.

No, you don't get it.
There is a darkness inside of me.

It wants to get out. It wants to walk around.

It wants some walking around money,
and it wants to buy some shoes.

And it wants to walk up with the people
and say, "Hey, Gator don't play no shit."

- You feel me?
- Yeah.

Gator never been about that,
never been about playing no shit.

- Sweetie, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

- I just...
- Remember that night we met?

The attending physician told me,
"We got a drugged-out pimp in the back."

And I went back there,
and I pulled open that curtain,

and I saw you.

You were weak, scared,

ass up, inflamed, crying.

At that moment, I knew.
"Hey, he's no pimp. Pimps don't cry."

Pimps don't cry

No, they don't

They don't shed a tear

Pimps don't cry

They never shed a tear

Come lay with me.
Be safe, and let's make love. Come on.

Every time you say, "Be safe,"
it tears me apart.

You gotta let me be who I'm gonna be.

Allen, I'm pregnant.

Whose baby is that?

Who's the man who did that to you?
Gator's bitches better be using jimmies!

I'm sorry. See, that's what I'm talking about.

Oh, my God.

You need to leave.

Get out! Get out, Allen! Get out!

Hey.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Come here when I have lady troubles,
which means I come here about every night.

What are you doing here?

Sheila and I got into it tonight.

She threw me out.

Well, you're not a cop till your wife
throws you out of the house, partner.

Does it bother you that the Castien robbers
only took 74 grand in diamonds?

They're junkies. Who cares? I mean...

I don't know if a junkie can go down
a 20-story zipline, though.

How you fellas doing?

We're about to have us a little screw party
in this red Prius over here

if you wanna join us.

You're not going
anywhere near that Prius, okay?

Here's what we're talking about.
We're talking about a bunch of hobos

with fingers in each other's pooper

in a stranger's car
with talk radio playing really loud.

It's gonna be a nice evening.

Well, we're not participating in that.
We have no interest.

Let me rephrase it.

We got a jar of old mustard,
and we got a poodle,

and we're just get in there
and we're gonna put some D's in some A's.

Hey, are you Dirty Mike and the boys?

- How do you know who we are?
- You left a note in that car.

- Police, shithead.
- He's a copper. We gotta go. Come on!

Hey! Goose it, boys! They're cops!

Rub your dicks on the car
as you're running away!

You turned my beautiful Prius
into a nightmare!

We are gonna have sex in your car!
It will happen again!

I don't know where I'm gonna sleep tonight.

Fortunately, I know
where you're gonna be drinking.

Jack ofAll Trades. Drinks on me. Come on.

- No, I already have a beer.
- No, no, no, no.

I'm talking about doing
some serious drinking.

Drinking with Terry Hoitz.

This sucks, man.
Work our ass off on this case,

now we gotta hand over
all of our evidence?

Yeah, it's not right.

Oh, my God, I'm hungover.

So, you guys are law enforcement?

Yeah, we're an independent
government agency who,

along with the FBI and the Federal Reserve,

regulate the stock market
and corporate fraud.

And the Federal Reserve is a prison?

No, basically, it's a held-for-profit bank
that sets interest rates

and loans money to other banks.

- Is that a wastebasket?
- Yeah, right there.

Thank you.

- You all right?
- Holy hell!

I'm so sorry.

I got so drunk last night.

I think I thought a tube of toothpaste
was astronaut food.

Come on in, fellas.

You gotta be kidding me.
You're Ershon's lawyer.

We're turning over our investigation to you?

Let me assure you there will be
no conflict of interest

between me and David Ershon.

And if this were an actual investigation,
I would immediately recuse myself.

This is all the evidence we have,
and I truly hope you take this seriously.

Yes. Very much so.

From everything I've heard, I understand

you guys are the best
at these types of investigations.

Outside of Enron and AIG

and Bernie Madoff,

WorldCom, Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you, Detective.

- Would you like a seat, or you're fine?
- No, I'm good.

Okay. Let me just assure you fellas,

David Ershon is an upstanding citizen.

I am playing squash with him
tonight at the club,

and we're having dinner.

You listen to me,
you Windsor knot-wearing monkey,

you play squash with Ershon, right?

Your kids go to school with his?
How would you know if he's clean or not?

I will take a look at your evidence,

and I will take a second look
at the financials.

And when I come back and bust your ass,

we're locking David Ershon
in the Federal Reserve!

He still doesn't understand the concept.

What are you doing?

We just handed all of our evidence over
to the bad guy's lawyer!

Are you a big man, huh?

- I'm talking to you.
- What?

You wake up in the morning, you say,
"I'm putting on my big boy pants"?

"Look, I'm wearing a belt!

- "I've got big boy pants on!"
- No!

You borrow a little jacket, you go?

You take your lunch
'cause you got big boy pants on?

You got your big boy pants and your snack?

I could say big, loud things!

I could be demonstrative!

- Stop!
- We don't, we don't do this!

You're scaring the shit out of me, man!
Stop it!

Is this how you conduct yourself?
In a democracy?

What the hell are you doing, man?

I'm so tired of you getting angry
and yelling all the time.

It's exhausting.

I feel like I'm partners with the Hulk.

You wanna know why
I'm so angry all the time?

'Cause the more I try and do right,
the more I screw things up.

We've got a possible jumper
at 3 World Financial Center, 23rd floor.

All units, fire department, en route.

- SEC.
- Beaman's office.

We have to go.

- But the Captain.
- We have to go, Allen.

All units, I need a respondent.
Possible jumper, 3 World Financial Center.

Shit. It's Beaman!

- He's gotta know something.
- Wesley!

Detective Hoitz and Gamble. We got this.

I took an online class
at University of Phoenix on negotiating.

I'm gonna need a priest and a bullhorn.

- I got no bullhorn.
- Does anyone have a bullhorn?

- Bullhorn, anyone?
- Truck.

Police business.
I need to use your PA system.

Okay, let me turn it on.

Mr. Beaman? Mr. Don Beaman?

It's Wesley. I know Ershon's Wesley's...

Look, there's a lot to live for in this life.

A lot of great things, like soda pop,
big fresh can of soda pop.

They do not care!

Give me this. I know how to talk to him.

Listen, we all know you're a scumbag,
and nobody cares about you.

Rotten piece of shit.

That's worse than what I was saying.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Don.

People down here are starting to murmur
that you don't have the balls to do it.

- I don't care!
- Yeah.

I say you can do it.

I mean, I don't want you to jump.
I'm just saying you have the capability.

Look, he's flying!

Stop that.

Half empty bottle of gin. Chair knocked over.

Look at this, it's a clear sign of a struggle.
Make sure you get this, all right?

Detectives, all your work's done here.
You can go.

What about Ershon targeting the lottery?

You know why Ershon was calling down
to the lottery offices all those times?

Because he was hooking up
with the Powerball girl,

the one on TV with all the numbered balls.

Yeah. She filed a restraining order on him
last week.

It was right there in front of you
the whole time.

- Can't be.
- You guys are getting transferred.

- What?
- Traffic.

Yeah, that's right.

You, you're gonna walk a beat downtown.
You're gonna walk a beat downtown.

- It's done. No, no. It's done.
- Captain, what are you talking about?

- Save yourselves some gas.
- Captain!

Is there an appeal process we can...

Had to do what you had to do, Captain.

Wow! That hurt.

- Excuse me. Where's my car?
- They towed it.

Couple of homeless people
were messing around in it.

- That's an official police car.
- Could have fooled me.

Wow, Mauch was upset, huh?

Really?

The only thing I had to be proud of
in my life was being a detective.

That was all I had. Now it's gone.

I know. I know. You still got me.

Don't you get it?
I don't want you, Allen, okay? I never did.

I told you that scaffolding violation
was dogshit.

I can't believe you still doubt me
after everything we've seen.

It's a real case, and I'm a real cop.
We just got the wrong target for Ershon.

- You carry a rape whistle.
- This is real cop work.

There is nothing about you
that makes a man a man, okay?

You got no gun, no car, no wife,
and now you got no partner.

Leave me alone.

A mutt case.

Terry, I am a cop,
for your information, okay?

A broken partnership.

I'm a cop!

And getting busted down
to a shitty assignment.

Allen and Terry hit the trifecta.

But sometimes
when you get your ass kicked,

that's when you find out what's real...

... and what needs doing.

Whether it's directing traffic...

Come on!

... or cracking a multibillion dollar fraud.

- Do you work here?
- Yeah, I do.

The wrecking ball that crashed into Castien
down there.

They also did damage to your office?

Some police officers came by
and sealed it off.

Do you recall what they looked like?

One of them had an Australian accent.

You don't happen to do any business
for the state lottery, do you?

No. Our main client is Lendl Global.

Can I ask what this is about?

Gator needs his gat, you punkass bitch!

'Cause that's what a real cop is.

No, I didn't say "Lock her up."
I never said, "Lock her up."

A guy who does what needs to be done.

A guy who knows how to use his dark side
for good.

And then you move to Florida.

One, two, three, attack!

Terry, it's me.

- Tap out. Tap out.
- It's me, Allen.

Are you tapping out,
or are you hitting me in the face?

I'm tapping you out!

You crazy? What are you doing, man?

- They might be watching us.
- Could've killed you.

- Turn out the lights.
- What?

- They could be watching us.
- Who?

I found some big information, okay?

- About what?
- Some scary shit, Terry. This is big.

How'd you get in here?
This place is foolproof.

- We can't be too careful.
- What are you talking about?

- This place might be bugged.
- There's no bugs in here.

First off, I missed you.

- What's going on?
- Did you hear what I said?

- Fine, I kind of missed you, too.
- Thank you.

Okay. I found out whose losses
Ershon has to cover.

- It's Lendl Global.
- What?

Lendl staged the Castien robbery
as a distraction

so they could break into
their own accounting firm next door.

They then altered all the records
to cover the losses

that Ershon had cost them
through all of his bad investments.

You're not supposed to be doing this.
You're supposed to be walking the beat.

I know. Pretty tricky, though, huh?

This is bad, Allen. This is bad.

No wonder the captain wanted us
to stay out of this.

Yeah, I bet
Beaman started asking questions.

- That's why they killed him.
- Man.

Here's the other thing.

Tomorrow, there's a massive
business deal going down.

Ershon's leading it.

I still can't figure out who the poor sucker is
they're making the deal with,

but we gotta stop it.

It's time to let the peacock fly.

I'm not going, Allen. I like what I do.

So do I. We're cops.

No. I like what I do now.
I like working traffic. It's a great gig.

What?

I like working traffic. I'm not going with you.

What is this traffic bullshit?

- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about my life.

The corner I run on 54th and 3rd Avenue?
It hums.

It's Terry's intersection.
And the traffic guys? They're good guys.

There's this one guy, Phillip?
He can pee in the urinal from 20 feet.

You've gotta see it, Allen. You've got to.

What happened to you?
What happened to this being our time?

No way, Allen. I'm out. I'm done.

- Get in the car.
- Come on, Allen. We both know it's wooden.

- Apartment pop. Now get in the car.
- You're not gonna shoot me.

Okay, I'll be honest. This is only
the second time I've ever fired this.

So stop pointing it at me.

Look, tomorrow morning,
all I know is I'm going to Mauch, all right?

For what? He doesn't care.

He's been dodging this case for too long
and I want answers.

I want him to look me in the eye
and tell me why.

Turn on the news, man. Nobody cares.

I hope I'm not alone.

Hope you bring it.

We got a big day out there. Big one.

We got a full moon.
People are gonna be amped, all right?

Let's see what we got on hot tips, all right?

The new bathmats are in.

One more thing.
We got a serial rapist in Crown Heights.

Jeez, I'm sorry. That's from my otherjob.
Ignore that. Forget that.

Well, don't ignore it.

If you live in Crown Heights,
you know, walk in pairs.

Gene Mauch to kitchen accessories.
Gene Mauch to kitchen accessories.

I gotta go. Go get 'em.
Let's be careful out there.

The oak.

I like to keep the oak together
and the maple separately, okay?

And these chopping boards?

Hey, Captain.

Hey, Allen. Hey, how you doing?

What are you doing here?
Are you here for the bathmats?

- I need you to be straight with me.
- Straight with us.

Hey, Terry. Look at this.

- I thought you were working traffic today.
- Let them block the box.

- Besides, partners' code, right?
- Thanks.

Hey, why have you worked your ass off
trying to kill this case?

All right, fine.
I'm gonna tell you guys something.

You really went into deep water on this one.
You really went in deep.

Ershon's connected to all the higher ups,

and I gotta save
what little ass I have left, okay?

You keep hiding from shit in the world,

and eventually the world
comes to your front door.

- Nice.
- That's very nice.

I heard it in an episode
of Touched By An Angel.

You keep this thing real quiet,
and you make sure you have real evidence,

and maybe I'll see what I can do.

But if you make a lot of noise

and you attract the media attention,
and you bring the DA in on this,

I am out, okay?

Yeah, we'll go in there like church mice.

But there's one case,
one case in a career where you go all in.

This is it.

All right. Then you do us proud.

'Cause I don't want no scrubs.

- Really?
- No.

- You're not aware that's a TLC song?
- I have no idea what you're talking about.

- Second time.
- You said chasing waterfalls,

now you're saying you don't want no scrubs.

- I don't even understand the reference.
- It's like a tic.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Remember, this thing gets messy,
we never talked.

- You can trust us.
- Real quiet.

You gotta creep. Creep.

Come on.

You don't say "Creep-creep"
unless you're quoting TLC.

Hey, guys.

You know Danson and Highsmith
were not good cops, right?

Yeah, I guess we kind of knew that,
but it's a drag.

I mean, at a certain point,
who's left to be a hero?

Not to be corny, maybe it's you guys.

You ready?

- Yeah.
- Let's go.

- No, but the highlights are great.
- Thank you.

- Sexy but serious.
- Thank you.

Excuse me.

Who the hell are all these people?
I was only expecting one man.

You know, they're just some people
I owe money to who wanted to be here.

Who are they?

Well, they are some Chechen patriots,
entrepreneurs.

And the black chaps
are some businessmen from Nigeria.

You owe money
to the Nigerians and Chechens?

Yes. Yes, I do.

- You're a piece of work.
- Thank you.

Probably best to get started.

This is good, baby.
We're in the game, we know the score.

The only thing that bugs me is
we still don't know who Ershon's targeting.

- Is it the lotto? Who is it?
- Who cares? Some rich prick.

I have to tell you,
I am tremendously excited by this deal.

And I can assure you
that every dime of your money

will be invested with the utmost diligence.

Your rates of return are really exciting.

We think our members
are gonna be just thrilled.

Yeah. I mean, we've averaged,
like, 18% over the last 10 years.

All right.
Quiet as a church mouse, in and out.

I can feel that tingling in my balls
you were talking about.

Beautiful.

All right, listen up.

I am Detective Gamble.
This is Detective Hoitz.

We need your cooperation.

David Ershon.

You're under arrest for fraud, embezzlement,

and in connection
to the murder of Don Beaman.

This is a bad idea.

Hey, guys.

Bob? What are you doing here?

I'm investing.

Do you remember we talked about
that proxy vote a while back?

- This is what it was for.
- Holy shit.

It's a more aggressive investment strategy
for the pension.

Allen! We're the suckers.
They're targeting the police pension fund.

Gentlemen, you're here illegally
and without a warrant.

We are within our rights to take action.

So much for quiet as church mice!

Go!

Who the hell are those guys?

Gentlemen, I can get you
obstructed view tickets for Rock ofAges.

Even I admit that's not very tempting,
but I'm not made of tickets, God damn it!

- Get in the front!
- How do you start this freaking thing?

Go on! Go!

- Shit!
- Go!

Oh, my...

Jeanie! Get over here!
You, go get the bloody car!

Hold the wheel!

- Open the back!
- I got it. I got it!

They're gonna kill me.
And then they will kill you.

- Well, I'm gonna kill you first!
- And then they will kill me.

We have two rogue police officers.
They are armed and dangerous,

- and holding David Ershon hostage.
- Stupid pricks!

- It's us, we're good guys!
- Exactly. They're the good guys.

Where do we go? Where do we go?

I have a small apartment.
No one knows about it.

I use it mainly for my parents
and prostitutes.

Not at the same time. That would be wrong.

Let's hear it from the top, every detail.

I think the best way to tell the story
is by starting at the end, briefly,

then going back to the beginning,
and then periodically returning to the end,

maybe giving different characters'
perspectives throughout.

Just to give it a bit of dynamism,
otherwise, it's just sort of a linear story.

Just tell us what happened.

I lost a bunch of money from some people
and now they want it back.

What about Don Beaman?

Beaman knew
that I had falsified my financials,

so they sent down Wesley
to try and keep him quiet.

He forced him at gunpoint
to drink a bunch of gin

and then forced him onto the ledge.

It was only a matter of time before he fell.

At least we stopped you
from getting the pension fund.

Well, but, yeah, but you didn't.
It's already in my account.

By 9:00 in the morning,
it goes into the Lendl equity fund

and from there it's transferred
to a dozen offshore accounts.

By 9:01, it's gone.

- Well, what if we stop the transfer?
- But you can't. I mean, there's a...

What if we stop the transfer?

You'd have to be at Endemic Bank
for 9:00 exactly,

find the clerk,
get the routing number.

We gotta stop it.

There's no way.

Every cop, the crazy Australian and his crew,
they'll all be after us.

You could let me go,
and I'll give you $10 million each.

- It's not a bribe.
- Of course it's a bribe.

You're offering to pay us money
to not do ourjob.

It's not a bribe.

We hang low here tonight.
Nobody knows about this place.

We'll be safe. And tomorrow, we hit it.

First things first, I gotta go see Sheila.

No way, it's too dangerous.

Look, Terry, we don't know
what's gonna happen to us tomorrow,

but tonight,
I need to make things right with Sheila.

All right, go. Go. Be careful.

Thanks, I will.

Will you say hi to Sheila for me?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Tell her. Say Terry was asking about you.

He wants to make sure you know

that he'll be there for you
if anything happens.

- Yeah.
- Drop of a hat, I'm there.

Look, it's starting to get a little weird, man.

If something happens to you,
I need to be there to take care of her.

All of her wants, her needs,
and desires are now my responsibility.

Why do you say it
like it's a predetermined thing?

Just go, man.

Okay. Thanks.

Go.

Janeco Gallery.

Francine, it's Terry. Please don't hang up.

Please pick up.

Hello.

Hey, sweetie.
I was praying you'd be at your mom's house.

You know what, I can't talk any more.
I think the phone's being tapped.

Baby, where are you? I wanna see you.

I'm near the place where we did it
three Halloweens ago.

Do you remember?

Okay, yeah, I got it.

I'm just warning you, though. Watch out.
I think they're watching the house.

Don't worry, sweetie.
I think I have a way of talking to you.

I have to admit, I wasn't gonna come.
I mean...

After all those years,
after the restraining order.

I was worried I might not see you again.

There's some
very dangerous people after him,

and now they're after us.

It's just the old lady.

Hello, Allen.

Hello, Mama Ramos.
What are you doing out here?

Sheila said she doesn't know what happened
and she wants you back.

- She also says...
- Yes.

...she wants you on top of her,
holding her hair,

and riding her like a bucking bronco

while she sucks your thumb and says,
"Mommy likey."

You, you tell your daughter...

He said he'll always love you.

And he's so happy
that you're having his child.

Allen.

He also says that

he wants you to stare into each other's eyes
without blinking while you do it.

- I love when we do that, Mom.
- And then afterward,

lick the sex off each other.

I don't wanna do this.

- You say things that are too personal.
- Okay, but just one more thing.

She said she loves you,

and wants to hold your hand
and have iced tea with you.

Come on. That's not all she said.

No.

- She says other things, but I don't want...
- Please, please, please.

You don't realize, I may be killed tomorrow.

Okay.

She says she wants to unplug all the clocks
and the phones

- and have a three-day F marathon.
- That's more like it. Yeah.

She wants to walk wrong for a week
because you guys F'd so hard.

That's just lovely.

No more! He says things I can't say.

It involves a mannequin hand
and an electric shaver taped to a golf club.

Now what'd she say?

She says she loves you.

I'm so sorry about everything.

And I just had to come here tonight
to tell you that I love you.

And the reason why I act like
you're a plain wife is that

I'm afraid that if I admit to how stunning

and intelligent and wonderful you are,

- I'd just lose you.
- Shut up, Allen. I love you.

We have a place that's safe. All right.

I'm gonna break your hip.

I'm about to do you grandpa-style.

I brought some music.

Not what I would've chosen, but screw it.

All right. Let's go, Monday morning,
time to go to work.

Let's do it.

- You want my gate code?
- Shut up, man!

That's Wesley!

Yes!

- Where'd you learn to drive like that?
- Grand Theft Auto!

Shit, Allen, they're coming.

- Oh, my God!
- Shit.

- Do something, Allen!
- Hold on, hold on.

Someone's been playing Grand TheftAuto.

I did that!

- I did that!
- Oh, my God!

- That's what I'm talking about!
- We jackknifed them!

Did you see that? It went backwards
and then turned upside-down.

Gator turns vans upside-down like
they're in a crazy washing machine!

Why are you calling yourself Gator?

It's a nickname I had in college.
I used to run a dating service.

- He was a pimp.
- Yeah, I was. I was a pimp.

Is it me or does it smell
like deer vagina in here?

My poor car.

Right now the streets are a bloodbath.

And, statistically speaking,
there's about 30 kids in here,

10 of you are gonna be dead
before your next birthday.

Got a couple of tips,
help you guys stay out ofjail.

One, try your hardest
to not be black or Hispanic.

- It's a good tip.
- Yeah. Two...

Gentlemen, we got a hot one.

Hoitz and Gamble have Ershon hostage,
high-speed car chase in progress.

Yes! Gun, gun!

Pass up the guns. Pass them up.
Let's go, people.

There we go. Anything, any Tasers? No?

Good. Who wants to go on a ride-along?

I do!

All right, you, sweetie.
Come on, let's go. Move.

- Move! Let's go.
- Come on!

Cool, a helicopter!
Must be covering the high-speed chase.

Jesus!

- Who are those guys?
- They're Chechen investors.

We were gonna do a Chechen version
of Dora the Explorer.

Anyway, it went terribly wrong.

I feel like it's not fair
that they have a helicopter!

Oh, no.

Damn it.

Watch your head. God, your hair is soft.

VO5 Hot Oil.

You're gonna wreck!
There's cars coming from both directions!

I'm not gonna wreck!

- I'm gonna wreck! You're right!
- You want me to drive?

- This was a very clever idea.
- Yeah.

They're gone.

Let's go.

They are Nigerians.
Yeah, I'd forgotten about them.

- This is a shortcut.
- Are you kidding me?

You cannot go down there.

What are you doing?

Hit him!

- Where are we?
- Chelsea Pier.

What the hell?

Jesus!

Them having a helicopter
is definitely cheating.

Go!

Come on!

We're cops! Hit the chopper!

This is Martin and Fosse, en route.
Back off! This is our collar!

Set up a perimeter.
No arrests until we get there!

Take the light!

Do not authorize that transfer.

This is David Ershon. The transfer is for him.

He will tell you not to authorize it, okay?
Tell him.

- Tell him!
- Yeah, do as they say. Stop the transfer.

Approve it.

Now.

Do not touch anything!

I swear to God
I'll blow your head all over this desk.

Not a person in this room believes
you'll shoot this clerk.

Yeah?

Thank you so much, gentlemen,
for the prompt delivery of Mr. Ershon.

I have two competing bids
from jilted investors.

They're at 30 million, and holding.

- Wait! Can't you let me...
- Take him away.

But computers.

What if, one day, they were in charge?

Now if you don't shut up,
I will cut your ear off with a butter knife.

That's blunt. Blunt's worse than if it's sharp.

Now!

You just stood there!

I didn't know that "now" meant that.
How am I supposed to know that?

- I knew what that meant.
- Shut up.

You kill us and you kill Ershon.
You're out 30 million dollars.

- Who's got the golden goose now, huh?
- Yeah.

Shit!

He's still valuable with a bullet wound, mate.

He immediately called your bluff.

Get up. And kill the police.

I just wanna make sure I get it right.

Did you want this transfer approved
or not approved?

You, mate, I'm gonna kill just for fun.

Police, don't move! Drop your weapons!

Drop it, or be dropped, homeboy!

I hope you like the taste
of prison food and penis.

- Police! Down on the ground!
- Let me see your hands!

- Hey, hey, you okay?
- Hey.

Hey, Gene. Captain. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- That's okay. Don't worry about it.

You can call me Gene
when we're not in the office.

Okay. Thanks for coming by.

Attaboy.

Come on, stay with me. Stay with me.

We're losing him! We're losing him!
He's dying!

No. No, no, no, no. I'm just resting.
I'm just resting.

- I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?
- I was just resting.

- Are you all right?
- Just resting.

Hey, let me tell you something.

As far as paperwork goes,
we'll take care of it.

- You know why?
- Why?

Ain't too proud to beg.

Come on.

- What?
- It's not funny any more.

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- TLC references.

Still nothing. I swear to you.

I'm gonna go over and check on Terry.
I got a bad knee. Hold on. There you go.

It was the king of the mutt cases,

but Allen and Terry had worked it like stars.

Within 24 hours of learning
about Ershon's scheme

and Lendl's massive losses,

the government issued TARP funds
to bail out Lendl.

Lendl is in everything,
and we're gonna go everywhere...

They were too big to fail.

Ershon now resides in Palomino
Federal Correctional Facility in Florida.

He still invests. Currency's just different.

Roger Wesley was linked
to the Beaman murder

by security cam footage
which Martin and Fosse hadn't checked.

It only showed the back of their heads.

But Allen's Faceback app
was able to get a match to their faces.

Terry married Francine.

He played harp at the reception
and it was beautiful.

He had learned how to play it
in the eighth grade

to make fun of the fairy
that lived up the street.

Terry asked Sheila to be his best man,
but she declined.

Let's be honest,
we all wanna be superstars and hotshots.

But guess what?

The people that do the real work,
the ones that make the difference,

you don't see them on TV
or on the front page.

I'm talking about the day-in,
day-outers, the grinders.

Come on, man, you know who
I'm talking about: The other guys.

- See? That's a no-go.
- Hey, hey.

You think you broke this Ershon case open?

You did nothing.

Corporate lobbyists are spending millions

to make sure guys like Ershon
keep doing what they do.

Derek Jeter?

Yeah, it's me. You were set up
that night you shot me, Terry.

- I told you!
- They knew by putting someone like you

with a quick trigger finger next to that door
where I do my pre-game walk,

it'd end up bad. Bad for both of us.

Now, I've been doing my own investigation
on the banking industry,

and I was close. I was real close.

So I forgive you, Terry.

I appreciate that, man. I'm sorry about
what happened.

I'm glad you're doing better.

The whole damn system is clogged up
with dirty money.

And the news doesn't say a word about it.
'Cause who owns them?

The same corporations
that own the government.

Courts and the law is all we have left.

So here's you guys' next case.

Guy by the name of Carl Bachand,
CEO of Killister Bank.

He took three billion in TARP funds.
He's crooked. He's real crooked.

Take him down, but be careful.
He's got Blackwater mercenaries 24/7.

Thanks, Derek.

Hey, Derek! Wait!
What if we need to get in touch with you,

get some more information
or some tickets or something?

What just happened?

Goldman Sachs.
This case is gonna be nasty.

Hi. Cute glasses.

- What was that?
- What?

What? Dude, what is it with you
and hot ladies? What's your secret?

Honestly, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Tell me who you lost your virginity to.

She actually became a TV actress.
Heather Locklear.

Heather Locklear, what?

- You've heard of her?
- Come on!

- She was much chubbier back then.
- I don't get it. I really, I don't get it.

That was you.
You don't have a sense of humor.

I do... I have a wonderful sense of humor.

If you say something funny, I'll laugh.

- All right, I'm gonna tell you a great joke.
- Please. I love jokes.

All right. Little boy on his 13th birthday.

- It's time to get laid.
- Already feels inappropriate.

So he goes to the lady at the whorehouse,
he goes, "Miss,

"look, I know usually you want money, but
I don't have any money and it's my birthday.

"Do you think I could have sex with you
for this duck?"

- Was he a farmer?
- No.

That's probably a Health Code violation,
bringing a duck into a place of prostitution.

They weren't gonna have sex with the duck!

No, I just mean Health Code violation

to have the duck brought into
a facility like that.

So, anyway, she says, "Yes, I'll do it."

So he goes in there, gives it to her.

- He gives her what?
- The high, hard one! She loves it.

She goes, "You know what? If you do that
again, I'll give you your duck back."

- It's like getting laid twice for free.
- So... I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

- The duck is payment for sexual intercourse.
- Yes. Yes.

- Very good.
- He used the duck as payment,

and now he's being paid back the duck.

He goes, "Oh, my God, this is
the greatest birthday ever." He does it again.

- Now he's walking home, right? Walking...
- So she was satisfied with duck.

- With a duck as currency...
- Yes.

...to her. Great. Good.

So he's walking home, now he can't wait
to get home to tell his father. Right?

He's walking down the street with the duck,
and all of a sudden, voom,

truck comes by and runs over his duck.

- Kills the duck?
- Killed the duck.

- So the duck is now dead.
- The duck is dead.

The kid starts crying, truck driver stops,
he's all upset, he didn't mean...

Of course he's crying! He's a 13-year-old boy
who's just had sex, twice,

- and he watched his beloved duck die.
- Will you shut up and let me tell the story?

So far, I don't know
how this is ever gonna be funny.

The guy feels so bad about killing the duck,
he gives him two dollars.

And the kid's happy with the two bucks?

He's ecstatic! He got laid twice,
and now he's got two dollars on top of it.

Seems like a duck would be worth
a lot more than two dollars.

This was a while back. You what I'm...

So he goes home, his dad goes,
"What happened? What happened?

"Tell me! Tell me!" He goes,
"Dad, I got a fuck for the duck,

"I got a duck for the fuck,

"and I got two bucks for a fucked-up duck!"

So it's like a limerick.

You didn't think that was funny?

I thought it was entertaining
at the end, sure,

the way all the words were put together,

but in terms of content?

No.

Get the check-check from Shen-Shen.
Let's get out of here.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

And cut.