The Opposite Sex (2014) - full transcript

♪ I was out of line
when I walked all over you

♪ I was under fire when
I fell into the blue

♪ Everybody loves you
darling, they love who you are

♪ So come a little closer now

♪ So I can tell you
just how far you've come

♪ Everyone wants
to be your angel

♪ Everybody wants
to be your star

♪ I don't know
what to say to you

♪ And all the things you do

♪ And the time slips through
your hands like quicksand

♪ And I don't know
where to start, oh no



♪ You're the angel I live for

♪ And the time slips through
your hands like quicksand

♪ Like quicksand

♪ I was out of line when
I walked all over you

♪ And we were under fire
when you fell into the blue ♪

For seven
years my client has been

the perfect, ideal wife
and in all this time

have you ever been unfaithful

to your husband Mrs. Kemp?

And I would like to remind you,

you are under oath.

- Unfaithful? Absolutely not.

I was raised on a farm.

- Not quite sure what that
has to do with anything



but thank you.

So what would you say
to your husband's claims

that you are, in his own words,

- "a cheating,
spoiled, little brat

"with a sense of entitlement

"and no discernible
moral compass."

- Thank you Betty.

So, a cheating brat with
a sense of entitlement,

is that an accurate assessment?

- No, he's lying,
this is what he does.

He uses his charm,
good looks and money

to lure innocent
women into marriage

and then when they
get a little older

he just, he just trades
us in for a newer model.

- He certainly is a stallion.

There's no denying that.

No further questions.

Your Honor, without
any proof of infidelity

my client is not in violation
of the prenuptial agreement.

- I'll take it under advisement.

- I mean, sullying
my client's good name

with baseless claims.

- I understand.
We are in recess.

- Oh, baby...

- Shush...

Hello?

That quick?

Thanks for your call.

Continue, continue.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. The judge is back.

- The judge is back.

I love it when you talk in those

complex legal terms.

The judge is back,
the judge is back!

- So I finally feel like
I'm getting into it,

you know, with this one.

And she starts yelling
at me, just screaming!

I thought, okay, she's
just feeling my girth.

- No, no, I've been
waiting for that ouch

since the day we
were married, no.

No, he was pressing
his elbow into my arm

and it hurt.

- Yeah, my elbow,
which she so rudely

has to point out.

- But don't forget,
you both agreed

to be very clear about what
you like and don't like.

- I don't know what to tell you.

This whole dealing
with your problems

through communication,
that's not for me.

I'm more of a "let's
just ignore things,

"maybe I'll die
young of a coronary"

kind of guy.

- You got that right.

- No, no, no, guys. Come on now.

Communication is key.

I tell you what we're gonna do,

we're gonna have a
little role-playing.

- Ha, I've tried that,
she doesn't like it.

- For this exercise,
now Tom, you're gonna

be Nancy and Nancy,
you're gonna be Tom.

Okay?

I think maybe
Nancy should start.

Okay, I
think this marriage --

- Oh no, no, no, no.

I said Nancy, Tom that's you.

- Right.

Hi, I'm Nancy.

- Er, hi, I'm Tom
and I like to take

a big bag of chips
with me when I go

and take a dump.

- Oh then you're the
perfect man for me,

I need a target for my
insufferable nagging.

- Hi, I'm Tom, I'm
a big dumb fuck.

- Hi, I'm Nancy,
whenever I find the time

to take a machete to
trim the squirrel's nest

that's growing between
my legs I get a rash.

- Oh, hi, I'm Tom and my
mommy still buys me PJs

for my birthday,

- which I wear!
- I wear those because

of your skin allergies.

She gets these skin allergies
that are so disgusting.

- No, no, no, no, stop!

Okay, look time's up, sorry.

- I don't have a good
feeling about this.

- I'd say you're
looking at anywhere

between 1.5 and two
million plus the house

at Martha's Vineyard.

- No way.

- Care to make a bet?

- Deal.

- Let's shake on it.

Oh hey there, not my hand
but I see your point.

Meow.

All rise.

- Be seated.

Alright, I'll make this quick.

As to the terms of the prenup,

I find that Mrs. Kemp
is within her rights

and therefore entitled to
her share of the assets.

I hereby award the plaintiff

the sum of two million dollars,

in addition the title
of the vacation house

will be signed over to her.

Court is adjourned.

- What did she say?

- We lost!

Ah yeah!

That a girl!

- Eat me.

- Is that how you're
gonna talk to a man

who is currently batting
the legal equivalent

of a thousand?

- 27 verdicts in a row.

And not a single settlement,
the kid's on fire!

- Yeah, I know, another
sacred union is over,

- All the while, I was
trying to save one.

- Where's my congratulations?

- Well, did yours end
in two million dollars

and a super empty nut bag?

- No, mine ended with the
couple trying very hard

to put the work in
necessary to sustain

a long term relationship.

And my hourly rate
of 50 dollars.

- 50 dollars an
hour, that's funny.

I like the empty nut bag better.

If you had
to take that 50 dollars

turn it into singles,
which would be cheaper,

wiping your ass with them
or buying toilet paper?

- Ew.

- I gotta tell you,
Stephanie's an angel,

but if you really want
her to move in with you

you should consider
raising your rate.

- Vince, this might come
as a surprise for you,

but Steph loves me for me,

not for what I make.

- Oh, snap!

- Are you giving much
of a choice though?

- Oh yeah, you guys,

toilet paper would
be much cheaper.

- Yeah.

- I'm proud of what I do.

- I don't look proud?

I'm proud, I'll be
a whole lot prouder

when they make me
partner, but I'm proud.

- Boom.

- Ah, shit.

- What's wrong?

One of your girls cancel on you?

At least I don't
have that problem.

No, Celeste
wants to meet at 10

but I already told Nicole
to meet at my house at nine.

- Oh that's the stripper!

- She's not a stripper,

she is a student who
occasionally strips

to pay for her tuition.

- Oh well, if she's
paying tuition

that's totally different.

- I think I can fit
them both in, Kenny,

but I need your help, alright?

Oh sorry, gotta go.

- What do you mean?

What about "bros before 'hos?"

- I think we stopped
saying that in college.

- Dude, what a
fucking smoke show.

- They should make
her into a soup.

- Wow.

- I'm gonna take
a run at this one.

I'll be right back.

- You go get that soup.

Go get that soup.

- Oh, God.

- Mind if I join you?

- Yeah, sure but make it quick,

my boyfriend's in the bathroom

and you don't wanna
mess with him.

- I'm sure he's probably
devilishly handsome

with a body like an Adonis

and a penis like a can of beans.

- Oh, you know him?

- I'll say I know him.

- That'll never get old.

- Never.

- So how was your day?

- Good, busy.

- Oh, I thought Jane
was coming with you?

- Yeah, we're meeting
here, I thought

she'd be here by now.

- Well I'm excited to meet her.

- Go easy on her, okay,
she's still a little tender

from the divorce,
it was so brutal.

And her whole two
year eat, pray, love

European excursion
didn't really take.

- No?

- No, unless you
count eating men,

praying for her ex to die

and the love of seeing
grown European dudes cry,

then yeah, yeah, maybe it did.

- Well you're a good friend,

and an even better girlfriend.

- You think so?

- Hm-hmm, sure do.

- If we ever get
married and I catch you

with one of our bridesmaids
I will take your balls --

- Ooh, here we go.

- Your ballsack, I will take
your sack, I will pull it up

over your face --
- Yeah, bring it on.

- and right up over your head

like a big scrotal wedgie
yarmulke situation.

- You're really bad at threats.

- The point is I'll
hurt your balls.

- Gotcha.

- You got it?

- Pay up, sweetheart,
and did I mention where

I want my kiss?

- Well I guess that's up to you.

Or we can up the bet.

Last dart, bullseye or I lose.

- Oh there's no way
you're that stupid!

Come on.

Alright, fine, what
are we playing for?

- I like your watch.

- Oh, my watch?

- Hm-hmm.

- Alright, but if you lose,

you gotta suck my scrot.

- I wasn't expecting that.

- We have a bet?

- Yep, it's a deal, step aside.

- Alright, here we go.

- No, no, no! How?!

Come on, give me a little kiss,

just for being a good sport.

Ow!

- It's been a pleasure.

- Oh that was so hot!

That was
pretty impressive.

- Excuse me?

- You should try that
on a real man some time.

- I'll put that
on my to-do list.

- I just want you to know,
I had your back over there.

Just in case things
got out of control.

- And that's what carried me

through my moment of doubt.

- I bet.

I'm a second degree black
belt in ju...kin...do.

Most people don't know about it,

it's some Bruce Lee shit.

- Oh that practically
makes us soul mates.

We should just have sex now.

- Couldn't agree more.

Wait, wait, wait.

I have to know your name.

-Do you?

- It would be rude of
me not to know the name

of the girl that's going
to take me home tonight.

- Hmm...

Tell you what,

see that creepy looking
guy over there at the bar?

Snuffleupagus?

Hm-hmm, here's the bet:

I can predict that in
the next 10 seconds

he will put his glasses on,

if so, I get your drink
and you walk away,

if not, I'll give you my number.

- That is some
serious Kreskin shit,

but I like it.

Alright, creepy dude
puts his glasses on,

10 seconds, starting now.

One... two...

- Who wants to see my tits?!

- Tits?

Where?

- That was cheap.

- Later, loser.

- That was cheap!

Pretty impressive, but cheap.

- It's the effort
that counts, Vince.

- So she's not
gonna show her tits?

- Unfortunately, no.

- I wanna see some titties.

- The night is still young
my black and white friends,

Celeste is a go, I repeat,

Celeste is a go.

- Hey!
- Hi!

- Hey Jane, this is Kenny.

- Hi Kenny, oh,
nice to meet you.

- Nice to finally meet you.

- I'm so glad you made it,

I was afraid you'd gotten lost.

- I was just dealing
with some drunk asshole

by the dartboard.

Do you wanna watch?

- What? Seriously?

- It's all yours.

Cool.

Check it out.

- Oh, that's not, that's
not your style, honey.

- I like it.

Oh my
God, did you hear that?

Morning!

- Good morning,
you're not ready.

Yeah, I'm ready,
in fact I'll go get ready.

- Oh my God, what
happened last night?

Did you guys go out
after I dropped you off?

- I didn't... some guys
actually stopped by after,

that's all.

- Uh-huh, okay, well
we're running late.

Did you not get my text
about going running?

- Running? Yes.

Yeah, I did, I'm ready.

- Uh-huh.

- Look, I just... okay.

- Oh, we're doing this now.

Jane, you remember my
boyfriend and his balls.

- Hello.

Hello!

- What was that?

- What? Nothing.

Kenny,
buddy, little help!

- Oh, this is gonna suck.

- Hey, Steph, I didn't
realize you were here.

Holy shit, it's you.

- Oh, hi.

Hi.

You're
friends with this guy?

- Friends is a strong word.

- It's me, from
the bar, the bet.

I never got your name.

- Jane.

- Hi, Jane.

I'm Vince, I'd shake
your hand but er --

- Oh no, no, no, I understand.

- How do you guys
know each other?

- Stephanie and I
are old friends.

- Well I can't
believe you're friends

and we've never met.

- It was sort of by design.

- Kenny and I are old
friends too, like family.

His parents took me in actually

when I was a wayward youth.

Trust me, I would
not be where I am

if it wasn't for him.

- Taped to the wall?

- No, no, no, in life.

They gave me shelter,
but more than that

they gave me direction.

We are going to
have a great time,

the four of us.

Stephanie, I know that
honesty is a big deal

between you and
Kenny so I just wanna

go and confirm that
bringing Celeste

and her friends back
here was completely

my idea, Kenny was
adamantly opposed to it.

- I don't think I've met
Celeste, she sounds lovely.

Look, I hadn't
either, I promise,

she's just a stripper that
Vince has been seeing.

Kenny, she
is not a stripper,

she's a student who
occasionally strips

to pay her tuition, obviously.

- Oh well that's
totally different.

- We should all go out sometime,

the four of us, it'd be great.

- Tell you what, we're
going to go for a run.

Kenny, why don't you
peel Vince off the wall

and we'll catch up later.

You're an idiot.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to see you.

I can't wait to go out.

Thank God you're here.

The front's gonna be
easy because I waxed

but you may need to get in there

and trim around
the taint a little.

- Hey, honey, honey, I'm sorry,

nothing happened, nothing
happened, I swear.

- You really need to
take a good hard look

at yourself and decide
what it is you want.

- I want you.

I want you to move in.

- Seriously?!

You're asking me to
move in the morning

after you had strippers
in your house?

- Probably not the best time.

- No, not the best time.

You know what, I love you,

but I swear to God if I
find out you messed around

with one of those hookers
I will take your balls --

- Oh here we go, really focus.

- I'm not kidding, I
will get four horses --

- Ooh alright, think it through.

- I will tie each
ball to the, to the...

- No, I only have two balls.

- You know what,
I'm not doing it,

I'll leave you.

How about that, is
that clear enough?

- Crystal.

It's lacking a
little imagination.

- Get your shit together, boy.

Look, I dunno
if I'm the best person

to give you advice on this.

I just met him but he seems
like a pretty good guy.

Yeah,
he's good on his own.

Just when he gets around Vince

he turns into a turd.

Seriously, what
is up with that guy?

Shit for brains.

He's your typical
alpha-male douchebag.

He probably has mommy issues,
possible latent homosexuality

overcompensating
by sleeping with

as many women as possible.

- Big ego.
- Yeah.

- Big bank account.
- Uh-huh.

- And a little dick.
- Likely.

- Sounds like somebody
I used to know.

- Honey, I know I've
said this before,

but you're just so
much better off now.

- I know, I'm insane,

ever since it happened I've been

destroying men on
two continents.

It's so pleasurable
it frightens me.

It's no good.

- That's not true, you
have taught a lot of men

a lot of lessons.

In fact, you know who could
use a good dose of you?

Who, the guy with
his junk taped to the wall?

Looked to me like he
already learned his lesson.

- Yeah? Did it sound
like he learned it?

- I dunno, Steph, I
do a lot of damage.

- Listen, I love
Kenny, but that guy...

trust me, this would
be productive damage.

- Morning, Tracy.

Morning, Vince.

Mr. Campbell is looking for you.

- Tell him I'm in a
meeting or something, okay,

I can't deal with that
miserable fuck today.

Good morning, Sir!

- Morning, handsome.

Excuse me.

Tracy!

Hi, Mr. Campbell
is in my office.

- Oh, okay, Mr. Campbell
is looking for you

in your office.

- I see that, yeah,
why did I hire you?

- Because I am too old
for you to consider

having sex with me.

- That is not true, I hired you

because I needed somebody to...

Okay, maybe that
is why I hired you,

just, carry on.

- Okay, but I just
want to tell you that

there could be a lot of
heat in my secret place

if you were interested.

I said, my secret place.

I'm just saying.

- Guten tag, Tracy.

Guten tag,
I scoot back now.

- Sir, what can I do for you?

Well,
Vince, to be honest,

it's my instinct to let you go.

You roll into work
whenever suits you,

and you continually
sleep with your clients.

- I think it's important
to stay in contact

with your clients
after the case.

I understand that,

but people talk,
word gets around,

it's not good for our image.

- Right.

Vincent,
you are without a doubt,

one of the best
attorneys in town but --

- You know, Jack,
I never liked you.

I think you are a
miserable, petty bastard,

and frankly, I'm looking at this
like you're doing me a favor.

Now, I don't have to listen
to your long-winded stories

about golf and your
insufferable fucking children.

Oh and by the way,
your wife, yeah,

let's just say at the
company Christmas party

she stuffed mistletoe
into my belly button

and tried to kiss my dick.

- You didn't let me finish.

I was going to fire
you but our Mr. Kendrick

insisted that you represent
him in his divorce case.

I'm sorry, what?

James Kendrick, the Pickle
Prince of Providence?

- The very one.

And if you can make this
firm's biggest client happy,

we'll make you a
partner, understand?

- That thing, the
thing I just said.

- About my wife and your dick?

- Yeah, that thing,
that's the one.

- No, no, you're right.

She's a whore, you're
just being honest.

- Alright, the play's at first.

That's alright buddy,
stay down on it.

- This kid is fucking
useless, alright.

Bobby, give me 10 laps now.

- No, Bobby, stay, it's fine.

Ease up, that's my nephew.

- I realize that
and as his uncle

you should be embarrassed.

Alright, fellas, listen up.

You wanna go through
life afraid every time

some balls come
flying at your face?

Come on!

Metaphorically speaking, okay.

Balls being life's
problems, alright,

not actual balls in your face.

Grow up.

- That's good, okay,
go get some water.

Yeah,
like you deserve it,

you haven't done anything.

Hustle up!

- Listen, Kenny, I wanna
apologize for last night,

I'll call Stephanie
and smooth things over.

- Do not call her, that
will just make it worse.

- I'm starting to get
the impression that

she doesn't like me very much.

- Do you really care
what she thinks?

- Of course I care
what she thinks.

This is the woman you're
gonna marry someday, right?

- I appreciate
your understanding.

- Yeah, let's talk
about Jane though,

what's up her?

- I know, she's beautiful.

Beautiful, no,
a sunset is beautiful,

she's fantastic.

She's ass-tastic.

Oh I should trademark
that, ass-tastic.

I like that.

- She went through
an awful divorce.

- Well that could be a
positive thing, right,

it's like the wounded
gazelle syndrome,

makes it easier for the
lion to take her down.

Me being the lion
in this scenario.

- Her husband cheated on her
and left her with nothing,

and I mean, nothing.

- Yeah, well, maybe
she drove him to it,

you never know.

Just hook a brother up.

- Trust me, after what
she's been through

and after the impression
you made

that girl is not going to
date you.

Hi.

Yeah, okay.

Sure, see you then.

That was Steph and she
and Jane want to meet

you and me out for drinks.

- That's what's up.

- Which one of you
is Kenny Peterson?

- That's me.

- Sign here, please.

- They just said deliver
to a baseball field?

- You have no idea what
it took to find you, okay?

- Who's it from?

- Anonymous.

Who cares who
it's from, just open it.

- Alright.

- Holy shoot balls!

Look at this, it's new unis.

- Wow! Those are
the shit my friend.

40, 60 poly-cotton blend, woo!

And you know what
they're soft and durable.

- How the hell you know that?

- I was curious and
I opened up the box.

- You opened up the package?

- It happens all
the time, player,

welcome to the future.

- I dunno what that means.

- It means whatever
you want it to be,

okay, alright?

Get off my case.

- Take it easy, you
can go, thank you.

- Oh, I see how it is,

I just drop your
shit off and then

just forget about me, huh?

- You're a delivery guy, right?

- Okay, you know what,

I'm gonna bounce, alright?

Sorry, don't get your
panties in a wad.

It's not like I took the
jersey and danced around

with a bowl of jello while
eating it in the bathroom.

- That's awfully specific.

- What do you guys care?

Have a great day!

- What the...?

Hey, new unis!

Come on, guys.

If you wanna look
like champs, get over here.

- Check 'em out.

Finally, you guys will
look presentable around me.

- What?

- Thank you.

- What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, alright, just
don't go all homo on me.

Knock it off.

- I have to say that I was
flattered you requested me.

- Your little spitfire
client, Mrs. Kemp,

is actually a friend of mine.

How you got the judge
to side with her

is nothing short of a miracle.

She is no angel.

- Fortunately, that
doesn't matter.

It's all about
what you can prove

and while we're on the
topic, I'm going to

need to ask you if
there's been any

extra-marital activity
in your marriage?

- Oh yeah, tons of it.

- Okay.

- Don't worry, I
keep it on the DL.

She's just a physical
therapist, she helps me

with my bum knee and
my bad shoulders.

She has the most powerful hands,

it's really something.

Sometimes, I have bruising.

- If your wife has
a good attorney,

they'll dig that
stuff up and you'll

be in violation of your
pre-marital agreement.

- And now you know
why I hired you.

- I see.

Mount Helena!

Pickle my mouth!

Which is why I never
flush while still sitting,

you never know when
you'll look down

and see 37 feet of colon
staring back up at you.

- So, Jane, Stephanie
tells me that you guys

go back all the
way to high school.

- Yeah, junior high, we
both dated the same guy.

- At the same time? That's hot.

- We were 15.

- Yeah.

- You like that?

- Come on, I'm kidding.

Let me ask you
this, did you guys

have that one night
in college where you

got a little drunk and
accidentally had sex

with one another, like at a
school dance or something?

- Hmm, no, no, I
can't say we did.

- What about you? You ever
drink a little too much

and wake up with Kenny's
balls resting on your chin?

No, but if
that did happen it would

be my balls on Kenny's chin.

Alright, let's just be
absolutely clear about that.

Nuh-uh, my balls would
be on your chin.

- So Kenny tells me that
your husband cheated

on you and then dumped
you, is that the gist?

- Oh my God, Vince, come on.

I'm so sorry, Jane.

- No, no, no. Let's
just get it out there.

Yeah, he ran off with
one of my friends.

- Ouch.

Well, while we're all sharing.

Something similar
happened to me once.

I was dating a girl, we
were getting pretty serious,

she left for London for a
couple of weeks, for work --

- Where she met a
dashing young English man

who swept her off her feet?

- Yeah, I wish, no.

She came back, everything
was pretty normal

and then one day,
I'll never forget it,

we went for a walk in the
park, a romantic walk,

she was eating a banana,
chopping it into little pieces

which was totally annoying,
but that's not the point.

And she says to me,
"Hold on a second,

"I need to throw
away my banana peel

"in the rubbish bin."

- And?

- And? And what? That was it.

It's a deal breaker,
we broke up that night.

- Really?

- So you actually
broke up with a girl

because she used
the word rubbish?

- Rubbish bin, and yeah.

What kind of woman
goes over to London

for two weeks and has
the audacity to start

using their phrases?

I'll tell you what kind
of woman does that,

an unstable one, yeah.

I'm still trying
to get my head around

how that's on par with
my husband cheating on me

with my best friend.

- We both had our hearts broken.

- Oh yeah.

- Love does not discriminate,
but if you ask me,

I think it worked out the
way it was supposed to,

because we're both
here now, right?

- Oh I'm so sorry if
that's what you got.

See right now, I'm really
enjoying being single.

Unfettered, free to
sleep with anyone I want,

whenever I want.

- Yeah, yeah, no feathers, yeah.

- Could be some
unsuspecting guy in a bar

or maybe it's just some
stranger who smiles

at me in the right
way on the street.

Most of the time I
just wanna get off.

Yeah getting
off's good, yeah.

- But other times
it's revenge sex.

They don't know
that, they just think

they've struck gold with
the naughtiest girl in town.

Because, believe me,

when I put my mind to it,

I take it to a whole new level.

- Okay, boys, tongues
back in your mouths, huh?

You ready? You okay down there?

We gotta go.

- Wait, wait, we're
not going now,

we're just getting started.

- Look, we've got an
early morning, man,

you guys feel free to carry on.

- Well, come on, let's
just have one drink.

I know a great little
bar, we can play pool,

I'll even let you win.

- You'll let me win?

You wish.

- And to put it bluntly, I am

what they like to
call unbeatable.

- Let me remind you,
the last time we bet

it didn't work out
so well for you.

- It wasn't that.
This is different.

- Alright, well, let's do this.

- Let's do this.

Alright, game
of nine ball, it's on.

- Okay, alright, lucky shot
but it's not gonna matter.

- We forgot to say
what we're playing for.

- What is your pleasure?

- 20 bucks?

- Kinda boring.

- Oh well, what did
you have in mind?

- I think you know what I want.

- Wow, and here I was
thinking you might

come up with something original.

- Trust me, it's
the way that I do it

that makes it original.

- 20 bucks.

Take it or leave it.

- Well, okay, it's a bet.

- So what kind of
law do you practice?

Personal injury? Possibly
with your own TV commercial?

- Yeah, you wish.

I specialize in matrimonial law.

- Oh, so you
basically help spouses

fuck each other over,
is that about right?

- When you say it like that
it kinda takes the pleasure

out of it.

Don't you think that
everyone deserves

their day in court?

- Whatever helps
you sleep at night.

- Typically that's
smooth jazz and an H-J.

- So what happens when
you absolutely know

that you're representing
someone who has

been lying and cheating
on their partner?

- Bill them at 250 an
hour like everyone else.

- Oh remember when
you said you were

going to let me win?

Pay up, bitch.

- That was pretty...

- Impressive?

- Kind of lucky, it might not be
your regulation table, I dunno.

Come on, double or nothing.

- God, I would but
all this law talk

has made me bored.

G'night!

- I'm not sure I
understand the premise.

- It's simple.

You get to do Megan
Fox from behind, right,

but lying on top
of her is a naked,

spread-eagled John Travolta.

But I'm
banging Megan Fox, right?

- Oh yeah, you're
banging Megan Fox.

It's really good, you're
having a good time,

but you're looking
at John Travolta.

- No, screw that,
what's the other option?

- We'll reverse it, Megan
Fox lying spread-eagle

on John Travolta's back.

- Ah, that one,
I'd take that one.

- So you're fucking
John Travolta

but you're looking at
Megan Fox? Come on.

- Wait, what?

- I know, that's the
flip side of that coin.

That's fucked up.

- That's a real brain teaser.

- A cock teaser.

- What about you, Vince?

- I'm just a little preoccupied,

I can't believe she beat me.

I never lose at pool.

- You're acting so pathetic.

- I didn't get a shot off,
she ran the whole table,

it was like I was playing
against that Asian chick

that plays with the black glove.

Jeanette Lee.

- Look, let it
go, she got lucky.

- Only it wasn't luck,
this girl is good.

I need another shot.

- So if you wanna go out
with her, ask her out.

- Yeah, I do, but it's
more than that now.

I need to beat her.

So she's gotten under
your skin, hear that, fellas?

The great Vince
finally met his match.

I need
to redeem myself.

- Appeal to her
sense of competition.

- Well she's obviously
good at bar games,

maybe take her out
of her comfort zone.

- You guys done stretching?

Are we gonna do this or not?

- Oh, I didn't realize
that not jogging

was still an option,
because if that's the case

I vote to not jog.

- I'm with you, I
vote for that too.

- I'm starving.

- Let's get it, sandwiches.

- Let's do that.

- Great workout, guys.

Wait, I got it, I got it!

- Yes!

It's too easy.

- Archery.

- No, man, that's
just giant darts

and we know how good
she is with those.

- Think outside the box
or inside, I don't care,

just come up with something
where I can't lose.

- Bridge building.

- Boulder lifting.

- No, no, what we need to do,

and by the way those
are horrible ideas,

what we need to do is get
away from the physical,

because I bet this
little spinner

can shit bigger than he does.
- Bite me.

- We need to get
to the intellect.

- That's right, the intellect,

that's what I'm known
for, that's my thing.

Okay, intellect.

- I think we'll call
that a checkmate.

- Who's sleeping with who here?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

That's a jumbo jet, yeah.

- This doesn't look
like an airplane.

- Well, it's an airplane
that just crash landed,

in the rocks.

Oh!

You're very good!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- That's rough, man.

- I dunno, I'm starting
to lose respect for you,

I gotta be honest.

It's like the first
time I saw my girlfriend

go to the bathroom,

I realized that we
were no different.

Sad day.

- I think you're very talented.

- This is your fault, Kenny.

- What? What did I do?

- You told me to
use my intelligence

so you need to come
up with something

that doesn't involve any
sort of physical prowess

or any sort of intellect.

- You ready?

- Oh, I'm ready, I'm ready.

- Okay, and go!

- Forrest Gump!

- Yes!

- Forrest Gump, bullshit.

- That's impossible.

- Suck it! Suck it!

It's like you guys
are cheating, it's bullshit.

- Being a sore loser is
not an attractive quality.

- Let's play something else.

- Don't give up
so easy, alright,

we're men, we're warriors.

I want a rematch.

All or nothing, let's do this.

Alright, tell you what,

one card.

All you have to get
is just one card.

- Done.

- That's not a good
idea, probably.

- What are you talking about?

Have a little faith,
are you with me?

I guess.

- I said, are you
with me bro?! Come on!

- I guess.

- Let's win this motherfucker.

- What's the wager?

- I mean Jane obviously
knows what I want

and I'm pretty sure
Kenny's going to be playing

for the old two hole.

-What?!

- Huh, no I didn't...

we'll talk.

- See, when you're not around,

all we do is talk
about the glory hole.

- That is not happening.

- That's not the truth,
- Uh-huh.

- It's not like I'm always
just like talking about

how I want to do that so bad.

- It's talked about a lot.

- Exit only.

- There's a lot of ass
talk but not like so much

like I'm weird or...

What if we lose?

- Oh, I'm pretty sure we
can think of something.

That does not involve my butt.

- Don't worry about it,
we're not gonna lose.

Do you wanna be the actor or
do you wanna be the guesser?

And just for the record,
you suck at both.

- Well that is not very nice,

and I'll be the actor.

Let's do this!

- It's on!

Come on, Kenny!

- Come on, babe.

- Let's go, Kenny,
get a good one.

- Fuck.

- Fuck, why fuck? No.

No, no fucks! Pick another one.

Pick another one,
mulligan, mulligan.

Get another one.

- Yeah, nice try.

- You can do this bro.

Focus, Kenny, focus.

Three,
two, one, hit it!

- Do it, Kenny!
- Fucking focus, man!

Feel it, feel it, feel it!

You can do this! Focus
focus focus focus --

- Stop yelling at me!

Um, shot,
shooting, shot, shotgun,

shotgun wedding,
shotgun... rifle men,

Clint Eastwood! Clint
Eastwood

Tombstone, Dog Day Afternoon,

shooting stars, shooting
stars, is it shooting star?

- It's not a shooting star!

- You're shooting,
you're still shooting,

I shot the sheriff
but I didn't, I shot

the fucking deputy, Bob Marley!

It's Bob Marley,
is it Bob Marley?

Quit shooting! Quit
fucking shooting, dude,

for the love of God.

Oh okay, fuck, yeah.

Dog, doggy, doggy style!

- Did he say doggy style?

Possum,
playing possum, bear,

bear, barely legal!
Debbie Does Dallas.

Bear, bear claws, bear
growl, Bear Grylls!

Bareback, you're
riding bareback,

you're not wearing a condom.

- What?!

Crouching
Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Smell my finger.

- Smell my finger?!

Okay, you guys are low on time.

- Fuck, Kenny, fuck!

Is this part of the game
or is he having a stroke?

Oh, Kirk Douglas! Spartacus...

I still don't know
what this means.

- Seconds away.

Yo, taxi!

- Hey, no sound effects!

- Boom, I got it, yes!

It's Taxi Driver, Deer Hunter,

Robert fucking De Niro, yeah!

Take that other team!

- And, time.

It's taxidermy you
idiot.

Fuck! From now
on, you're the guesser

and I'm the actor. Bullshit.

- It's just so sad,
it's just so sad.

I think it's time
you guys paid up.

- Let's hear it for our bitches!

Well our next act is
new to The Glory Hole,

so let's make them
feel right at home,

please give a nice warm
welcome to Shaft and Balls!

♪ Mr. Sexy, tell me
what you wanna do tonight,

♪ Freaky freaky freaky boys

♪ What you wanna do tonight

♪ It's the sexy boys,
it's the sexy boys,

♪ Tell me what you
wanna do tonight ♪

- What a rush.

I mean how great
was that, honey?

- That was definitely something.

- How about Vince and Jane?

I mean, how much fun are they?

Think about it, we
could be spending

a lot of time together,
we'll be like The Rat Pack.

- Yeah, except nothing
like The Rat Pack.

- No.

- I had fun, honey,
but I'm not ready to

buy a timeshare with them.

- You know, call me
crazy, but I think

they might end up together.

I'm serious, and as much
as I like seeing Vince

get his ass handed to
him, he's not all bad.

I think it just might
take the right woman.

- I've been giving
it some thought

and I wanted to ask you,

do you think I could
borrow this trophy

for a couple of days
so I could mount it

on the front of my car?

- Be honest, I know you want it.

It's so good.

- Laugh it up, but
I gotta tell you,

third place, that's
a bunch of bullshit.

We deserved way better
than third place,

I think this whole
thing was rigged.

- Oh God, if I live to
be 100 the image of you

and Kenny will remain in my
atrophied brain.

What was this?

- That was Kenny's idea.

- It was beautiful.

- No chance in hell.

Even if that was true,
he'd screw it up.

- Wanna make a bet?

If he doesn't screw
it up, then you

have to move in with me.

- Wow, honey, I kinda
imagined this as

a romantic moment, not
an I'm-drunk-off-my-ass,

let's-wager-our-future-on-
our-friends'-love-lives moment.

- Great, so it's a bet.

- Okay, sure, honey, it's a bet.

But don't get your hopes up.

We totally
should get a timeshare.

- Okay, but in all
seriousness, I'm very impressed

that you followed through.

You may actually be
a man of your word

and I didn't expect that
from a guy like you.

- A guy like me? What
the fuck does that mean?

- Well, you know, you're
a type, that's all.

Frat boy, trying to
hang on to his youth.

You're not unique.

- Excuse me?

I just won a 13 inch golden
penis for a performance

at perhaps the gayest
club in America,

the fuck I'm not unique.

- Well, maybe I'm wrong.

- I think that you think
that I'm not capable

of living the life of
a responsible adult.

You think I'm not capable
of a real relationship.

- Hmm, that's what I think.

- I think that I'm very
capable of a real relationship,

I don't know when or where
that's going to come from

but it's there.

Well, you're
the one who has to

make it happen,
Vince, or you settle.

- How do you know?

- Oh, I know.

You'll continue to
find what you think

is that special someone,
but once the chase is over

you'll move onto the
next, never really getting

to know anyone along the way,

this path leads to your destiny,

which is hanging out
with other losers,

eating cereal out of a pot,
because all of your other

dishes are dirty.

- Do not knock cereal,
it's food and drink

all wrapped into one.

- Yeah, and you'll
waste all your time

playing video games
and the occasional

no strings attached sex
with someone you have

no respect for.

- That doesn't sound that bad.

- Yeah, well wait until she
decides to spend the night.

Yep, it's as
predictable as the sun

coming up in the morning.

- How's that for predictable?

- I gotta go.

- Oh, are you sure
you don't wanna

take this for your mantle?

- Morning, Trace.

Morning, you.

Here, here's your messages.

Okay, this probably
isn't the place,

but I thought you were great.

I've always had a feeling
but I wasn't sure.

Now, anyway, if you
want to talk to me

at anytime, you know
where to find me.

I will be in my chair.

- Right, there. Okay.

Tracy, I have no idea
what you're talking about,

even more so than normal,
so I'm just gonna...

- Oh no, okay, wait.

Maybe you can't see me.

Listen.
- What are you doing?

- Listen to me.

-Why are you
getting on the desk?

- Listen to me, this is
important; you're here,

you're queer,

we'll get used to it.

- Thanks.

Hey, buddy.

- It's gone viral.

- What has?

- We have, us, we're
spreading like herpes.

Shaft and Balls,
it's everywhere.

Look, man, I can't do
this with you anymore,

no more bets with Jane,
you've gotta promise me.

- Would you relax, I got
the perfect plan for this.

- Yeah, what do you
think about that?

- It's not bad.

- Not bad? It's
excellent, my friend.

- Step back and give the big
fella a little room to work.

Let me show you how real
gunslingers do this,

okay, just pay attention.

Fire in the hole!

- You missed.
- What?

- You missed the target.

- Oh yeah, that's
a warning shot.

I'm surprised you
don't know about that.

You always wanna
fire a warning shot,

that gives the intruder
the opportunity to rethink

what they're doing and
nine times out of 10

they take off and
nobody gets hurt.

It's a smart business.

- And you need to
come to the range

to practice your warning shot?

- You know, practice
makes perfect,

that's my motto.

You winged
him, right shoulder.

Yeah,
stopped his advance.

- Right wrist.

- Knocked the gun
clean out of his hand.

- Hm-mm.

His eye.

- What are you, a
fucking eagle eye,

how can you even see that far?

- Do you wanna move
the target closer

so you can see it?

- No, I don't need to move
the target closer, alright.

Although I am
near-sighted, but whatever.

Just sit back, watch,
let me show you

how you take a guy out.

Read them and weep.

- That is awful aim.

- That, Annie Oakley,
is what we like to call

textbook distribution shots.

You see now, your
guy, you killed him.

Whereas my guy, he'll
probably survive,

but he's not gonna
be snooping around

my fucking property anymore,
you know what I'm saying.

That's a lesson.

- Yeah, you lost,
you need to pay up.

- It's just the
thing is, I feel like

marksmanship is so subjective.

Maybe, for your
sake, we should find

some other challenge.

- Maybe you should be a
man and pay your debt.

- Are you gonna tell
me why we're here

or are you gonna
keep me in suspense.

What, you want me to
just run across the bar

and take my pants
off, fine, let's just

get it over with.

Okay, see that
girl, alone in the corner?

- Yeah.

- All I want is for you
to go and talk to her.

- That's it?

I like this idea.

If this idea was a
cause I would donate

my time and money to it.

But do you think
maybe we could find

a little more attractive girl?

Are we talking about
a threesome or not?

- I want you to experience
what it is like to

have an actual
conversation with a woman.

No cheesy pick-up lines,
no ulterior motives.

- This is gonna suck.

- Oh God. You know I'm
hoping there's a decent

human being somewhere inside
that douchey exterior.

- This is going to
go horribly wrong,

I can feel it.

- I bet you find it rewarding.

- I bet I won't.

By the way, I will
be sitting right across

from you so you can't just
go through the motions.

You have to stay for
at least one drink.

- Just a normal conversation.

- Mm hmm.

Did I mention you're
a terrible person?

Go get her.

- Hi there,

I was wondering if I could
join you for a drink?

- Um... I guess.

- I'm Vince.

- Hi, Vince. I'm Regina.

- Nice to meet you.

Do you come here often?

- It's my friend's
birthday, she wanted to come

for a drink, she
just went to pee.

Oh, there she is.

- Hi! Well, well, well...

What do we have here?

- Hi, there.

- Wow.

- I'm Vince, I was just
joining your friend for a drink

but I see you're home
so I'll let you guys

finish your night.

Hi?

-Hi.

- What's your name?

- Well, you can call me
Stella, because that's my name.

Now, listen, it's my birthday,

guess how old I am.

- I really don't think --
- Come on!

Guess!

- Hm... 42.

You wish!

I'm only 30.

- Happy Birthday!

- You're damn right it is.

Oh boy.

- What?

- Oh, oh man, this
is my favorite part.

The X is kicking in.

I can literally have sex
with a lamppost right now.

I am not kidding.

I was thinking I could
make a big, hot pile

of sex right here.

And right here and one
more time in the morning.

- Oh look at that.
- You got something for me?

- Just reading a text,
it's probably just Nana.

That's satisfying, thank God!

Okay, ladies, I'm just
gonna finish my drink

and get out of here.

- There you are, oh, honey,

I'm so sorry about
what I said earlier,

let's just get home,
the kids want you home.

I'm sorry, we had a big
fight, I'm impossible.

- Okay, have a good one.

What the fuck?

- You've done everything
that I've asked, come on.

- You said, "one drink,"
I served my punishment,

now we're even.

- You drink up.

- How stupid do you think I am?

- I'm gonna wet my pants.

- I am so sorry, I
tried to tell you.

- Driver. Oh my God, this
is the smoothest thing

I've ever felt.

It's like tiny little
strands of silk.

Is that Pantene?

- No, don't put
it in your mouth.

Oh God, how about some coffee?

- Oh God, coffee is beautiful.

People don't say that
enough, after all

that it's done for us.

What is eternity but the
continuous state of now?

God, how long
does this stuff last?

- For eternity.

Did you love him?

Your ex-husband.

- Yeah, I did.

- Huh, he's a lucky guy.

- Thank you.

- It must've really hurt.

- I got nothing, actually
less than nothing.

He got the house and
lost all the money I had

in a bad investment.

That's what you get for
hiring a good attorney, right?

No offense.

- None taken.

- Looking back it
doesn't surprise me.

I guess I was just
blinded by his charm.

- What's he do for a living?

- Lies, cheats, avoids
taxes, it doesn't matter.

- Did you know
that crying is just

laughing when you're sad?

No, I
didn't know that.

Well,
if you have a pen,

I'll write
that down for you.

- I really like you better
when you're on drugs.

If that was me, I
wouldn't have cheated on you.

Our mouths
just made sweet love.

Wakey wakey.

Hi, I thought this could help.

- Hi. Thank you.

- I hope you're okay.

- Yeah, that was...

kind of crazy, huh?

- Yeah, it was an
experience, that's for sure.

- You were amazing, obviously.

- You don't remember
a thing, do you?

- I'm a little fuzzy.

I think it's maybe the
highlights that I'm missing.

- You don't remember the bar?

- Yeah, I remember the bar.

There was a birthday
girl, right?

- Good!

- I remember pounding
my drink and then

after that it's just a blur.

- Yeah, you got dosed.

- I got roofied?!

- Not really.

Apparently it was some
pretty good Ecstasy though.

- Did, did we...?

No, I
slept on the couch.

- Lame.

- You were a perfect gentleman.

- Disgusting.

- You've been a good sport,

you've made good
on all your bets,

and you said some very
nice things last night.

- Yeah, I wouldn't know
anything about that.

- Oh my God, why are
you so afraid to admit

that you have actual feelings?

It's good news.

It's what separates
you from, I dunno,

a baboon.

- Thank you.

Wait a minute, I won a bet.

- What?

- I remember winning
a bet last night.

- No, I don't think so.

- No, hold on a second;
I distinctly remember

you saying, "go talk
to that girl," and

quote, "I bet
you'll find it to be

"a rewarding experience."

I did not find it to be
a rewarding experience,

I got drugged.

- That was hardly a bet.

- It was a bet.

You lost, I won.

You are not welching on this.

Hold please, while I...

Yeah, it's a victory dance.

-Really?

- Yeah that's a victory
dance, a slow one

because I might throw up.

Wait, oh that's good there.

Can you feel it?

- Are you enjoying that?

Alright.

Let's just get this over with.

- Excuse me, what are you doing?

- Come on, quit gloating,

here I'll help you out.

- What kind of a guy
do you think I am?

What makes you think
that I want sex?

I mean, really.

- Okay, humor me.

- I wanna go on a date.

- Are you fucking with me?

- No, I won.

I wanna go on a
date, just you and I,

no more bets, I'll
even cook dinner.

You got a problem with that?

- No.

- Great, stilettos and a
thong would be appreciated

but not really required.

- Feel better.

- All I'm doing there
is giving some ideas

trying to help you out,
plan your wardrobe.

And a handjob
would be fine, too.

That's pretty much my
whole problem, right there,

in a nutshell.

Yeah I can see why
that would be troubling.

Yeah, sorry,
this whole dating thing

is just new to me.

- No, no, no, that's okay.

We'll figure this out.

Okay, so what if
instead of Travolta

it was someone
like Justin Bieber.

- Ooh.

- At least you have a
feminine quality, right?

And I really think
he's someone that would

care enough to not make it
completely uncomfortable.

- Nah, unfortunately
Travolta's gotta be involved

either way.

But I like where
you're going with this

and I'm definitely gonna
bring it up to the guys.

- Okay, but don't wait too
long because I'm afraid

the opportunity might
present itself and then,

you know you've waited
too long to say anything.

- Agreed, better to be prepared.

- So what's the
longest relationship

you've ever been in?

- Ah, let's see.

15 years.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- Why did you guys break up?

- We didn't.

It's Kenny.

- Oh, I should've known.

- Yeah, yeah.

- So no serious girlfriends?

- No, I guess I'm just,
well, afraid of commitment.

There, I said it out-loud.

Afraid to get hurt.

- That's not an
easy thing to admit.

- Yeah, but this
whole playboy facade

is kinda getting old.

It's actually really lonely.

- That is so refreshing.

- I am fucking with you.

I've had a couple of
girlfriends but nobody

really worth the long haul.

- Maybe I need to slip
you some more drugs.

- It's crazy that
it takes heavy duty,

psychotropic drugs to get
me to reveal the truth.

- You remember everything you
said last night, don't you?

- I do.

Do you wanna make out?

- God, you're romantic.

Get ready
for Captain Feelgood

because he is
reporting for duty.

- Oh my God, listen to this,

I gotta tell you that nicknames,

they really turn me off,
it reminds me of my ex.

- Yeah.

I'm glad we're being honest
with each other

because I gotta tell you
talking about your ex,

that's actually
what turns me off.

Okay so I'll leave
the Pickle Prince out of it.

- Oh that's bad.

- Is that so bad?

- No, no, it's not
that, it's just that

I'm feeling kind of nauseous,

I think maybe it's the Ecstasy.

- What?

Yeah, yeah, it's
coming on me like a wave.

Do you mind if we do
this another time?

- No, of course not.

Yeah I want it
to be perfect for you,

just not tonight.

- Yeah, it's getting
kind of late anyway.

- Yeah, yeah, it's super late.

Oh yeah, it was good, sorry.

It's alright.

Feel better.

- You look so pretty,
I'll call you tomorrow.

The Pickle Prince, really?

Fuck.

- Hang on, you had
the chance to --

-Yeah.

- And instead you
just asked her out.

- I did.

- And when do you turn
your decision making

over to your vagina?

- Hey Vince, did you lose these?

- You should join my
mom's scrap-booking club,

there's ladies in it.

- The craziest thing
happens now when she talks,

I can't believe it.

- Oh you actually want to
hear what she has to say?

- Well, no, but I don't
wanna jam an icepick

into my ear and that's huge.

- Sounds like love.

- Got it!

What if it's Justin
Bieber's face

on John Travolta's body?

- Interesting, so
it's like Face-Off,

but with Bieb's face
instead of Travolta's?

- Exactly.

- So it's not really
the man's hairy ass

that gives you the problem,

it's the owner of the ass.

- It's really about
having to stare

into a certain set of eyes.

- Now that's a valid point.

I feel like if you stare
into Travolta's eyes

for too long it
might send you down

some weird rabbit hole.

I dunno if I'd really
ever come back from that.

- But Bieber's okay?

- Well at least with
Biebs I feel like he would

sense your vulnerability,
try to make you comfortable.

I'm gonna allow it. Judges?

- I say no, I mean
once we start changing

all the rules then it
gets really complicated.

- First thing it's Justin
Bieber and the next

thing you know,
Robert Pattinson.

- Ooh, Robert Pattinson,
now you're talking.

I mean he seems like
the kind of guy who'd

stick around after, cuddle.

- No, no, no, it stays Travolta.

- That's a game-changer
though without Travolta.

- It's over, right?

- This is impossible.

- What is it with
you and hot dudes?

- What's up with you, man?

- Nothing, it's just one
minor little obstacle.

- There's no such
thing as that with you.

I maybe discovered
that I'm representing

Jane's ex in the divorce case.

- What do you mean?

- The Pickle Prince
of Providence.

- That's her ex?!

That is so awesome!

You're fucked, but
that is so cool,

is he as cool as he
seems on the jar?

- That's all you got for me?

You're a well-respected
couples' therapist

and all you've got for
me is, "you're fucked"?

Yeah, he's pretty awesome.

But that's before I found
out that he screwed Jane over

in the divorce, so what
am I supposed to do?

- Well if you want my
professional opinion,

and this is for free,

you gotta drop the case, Vince.

- I feel like she'll understand.

It's business.

- You're fucked.

- I think it'll be
alright, trust me.

This is a pretty spot.

Yeah, you mind if
we hang out here for a minute?

- Okay, so was there
something you wanted

to talk about?

- Right.

It's more of a confession
really, but before I do

I just wanted to
tell you that I feel

like we're in a really
good place right now.

In fact, I was just
telling the fellas

that the sound of
your voice does not

make me cringe,
like even a little.

That's so sweet,
it's like Jane Austen

just speaks from you.

And?

- Oh, right, you know
that big divorce case

I've been working on?

- Yeah.

- My client, and
it's not a big deal,

but it's the Pickle Prince.

- Are you kidding me?!

- I wish I was,
small world I guess.

- Yeah, that's...

Well thank you for telling me.

I didn't
know, I promise.

I just put two and two together,

actually it was during our date

and that's why we
didn't... sorry.

- No, don't apologize,
you didn't know.

I respect you for not taking
advantage of the situation.

It must have been difficult.

- Yeah, it was awful.

I had to jerk off four
times after you left.

Maybe five, I can't
remember, I lost track.

- Well I guess he's just
gonna have to find someone

else willing to
destroy his wife.

- Wait, Jane,

I can't drop the case,

he's the firm's biggest client,

if I make him happy
then I make partner,

I hope you can understand that.

- Can I understand how
you're going to represent

the one person who
tried to ruin my life?

How you're gonna let
him ruin someone else's?

Help him ruin someone else's?

No, Vince, I can't
understand that.

I'm gonna go.

- What am I supposed to do?

- You know, the fact that
you have to ask me that

tells me all I need to know.

Good luck, Vince,
I hope you win.

Great.

- What about the
house in the Hamptons?

- I'd be happy with
four weeks a year.

- Well, I'd be willing to
give you zero weeks a year.

- You know, I changed my mind,

I want 19.

- She is not setting
foot in that house.

I built that damn thing
with my bare hands.

- In 1977 you were
five years old.

- Do you think I give
a shit about math?!

- You're a loser!

- You're a whore!

- Needle dick!

- That is slander.

- Slander is lying.

- You wanna see this thing?

I want it noted that
I offered to measure,

I offered to measure.

Cock measure!

- Everybody just relax, okay?

We're willing to let the
judge decide who gets what.

It's up to you.

- No, no, they had their
chance, we're done here.

- Hang on,

they're not being unreasonable.

- I'm not paying you
to be reasonable,

I'm paying you to get your
fucking ass in the game!

- Any messages?

- Nothing.

- Thanks, you got a little...

- Did I get it?

Yeah, you got it.

♪ Why's
it gotta be so hard

♪ Why's it gotta be this way

♪ It's like I'm being torn apart

♪ All this beautiful pain

♪ I know you wanna be with me

♪ But you gotta go to him

♪ Freedom isn't really free

♪ You sink before
you learn to swim

♪ Because baby we
don't have much time

♪ Before we go stumbling home
- Pervert!

- It's a memory trigger, it's...

God that thing's huge.

♪ How can
something be that bad

♪ When it feels this good

♪ And I shudder in my sleep

♪ I can hardly close my eyes

♪ Then I wake up in a dream

♪ Free now from a
life of compromise

♪ Oh you never lost
but you never won,

♪ Cause you never fought
and you never moved on

♪ You never lost
but you never won,

♪ Cause you never fought
and you never moved on

♪ Don't be afraid
of looking back ♪

- I don't understand.

Okay, it doesn't
have to be Travolta,

it can also be
Justin Bieber's face.

- Ew, I don't get it.

- You've got to tell
her how you feel.

- She won't even take my calls.

- Fuck the phone, girls
like to be swept away.

- Will somebody
tell this poor boy

what a real woman wants!

- I like a simple
gesture, like roses.

- I like a man to work for it,

I also like cash.

- A woman doesn't
want no phone calls.

- Dammit, you're so
sassy and so right.

Alright fellas, what
do I need to do?

- Vince, sweetheart,
you've got to go after her.

- Shush, here she
comes, here she comes.

- What the hell are you doing?

- Wait.

Wait, wait wait.

Fuck, I had In
Your Eyes queued up

but the battery died.

- Stay there, I'll
be right down.

I'll be here.

- It's working, it's working!

Who told him to make
that noise, it was good.

- You should have
ordered flowers,

why didn't we bring her flowers?

- And he's dressed like a hobo.

- Oh straight boys
don't know how to dress.

- I think he looks
good, I'd fuck him.

- Oh you'd fuck anybody.

True.

- You would probably
would fuck anybody.

- Candy, why didn't
we get candy?

- I'm gonna...

You might wanna hide now.

- Get over here.

What are you doing here?

- I've been trying to get
a hold of you for weeks.

Is this how you treat men?

Just use them up and dump
them in the rubbish bin?

- You need to leave.

- No, I demand an explanation.

You've no right to be mad at me,

this whole thing is
out of my control,

you know that.

- I don't have the
right to be mad at you,

but I do have the right
to be pissed at myself

for actually thinking
that there was

something more to you.

- What?! There is.

You mean something to me,

just ask the gays.

- Who are the gays?

- The gays, Big
Bird and the guys.

- What?!

- Right, never mind.

Just give me one
more chance, alright?

Make a bet, alright.

I lose, you never
have to see me again.

You choose, bowling,
darts, whatever.

- Here's a bet, I bet
that you couldn't do

the right thing if your
life depended on it.

Just go, Vince,
go win your case.

So I bought
her three shots,

took her home and banged
her, and never called her.

Wait, that guy at the bar,

the dude in the blue shirt.

Vince, I thought that was you!

It's Gary.

- Oh yeah, hey man, how are you?

- Guys, Vince here
represented me

in my divorce case.

I'm gonna buy you a
drink, what do you drink?

Daiquiris, what?

No, I'm good,
I'm glad you're doing well.

- Not only did this guy
help me keep my money

and my house, he got
the court to order

my ex to return the breast
implants that I paid for.

I still keep them by my bedside.

I sleep on them
sometimes, at night

I'll put them under my
head like a little pillow

and I'll rest with them.

- It's wrong.

- Well, it's like what
you said before our trial,

"it's not about what's
right and wrong,

"it's about what you prove,"

and she couldn't prove shit!

Up top!

- It's six AM, are
you coming to bed

or did I come over
here for nothing?

Boobies, you see these?

Do you want these?

Or your little joystick?

- Jesus Christ,
woman, cover yourself,

what are you, Daytona Beach?

So, yeah, here's the
thing I'm only on level 12

right now, this could go
all day, so I'm thinking

maybe you'd be more
comfortable in your own bed.

You okay to drive?

- Look at you, a grown
man in his boxers

playing video games until
six o'clock in the morning,

trying to get me to pack
my shit and go home,

that is pathetic.

- And you'll waste all your
time playing video games,

and the occasional no
strings attached sex

with someone you
have no respect for.

- Oh my God, she's right.

- What?

Is this a kidnapping?

No, this
is the new Vince

and this is a dire emergency,

just bear with me for a
bit and I'll take you home

like a gentleman, I promise.

Now hide your ass in the trunk.

You're right, you're
right, I'm sorry.

That's the old Vince, you
just wait right there.

- What's going on?

- I'm not gonna stop
beeping this horn

until you come down here.

I'm not joking.
- Oh my God.

You really thought it was
a good idea to bring her?

- We didn't sleep
together, I swear to God.

Will you tell her?

- It's true, he
totally ignored me.

- See? You see? I ignored her.

- You should be so proud.

My ex-husband's house?!

Why are you bringing me here?

- Just bear with me, please.

- No!

- Just come with, I
promise it's the last thing

I'll ever ask of you.

Just trust me.

- Oh, well this has
to be a bad dream.

My lawyer and my
ex-wife, although

that doesn't explain you.

Really?

Good morning, Sir.

- Hi, what the hell
are you doing here?

And who is she?

- Her name is not really
important right now

mostly because I can't
seem to remember it

at the moment.

Look, we're a couple of
hours away from reconvening

with your soon-to-be ex-wife,

and as your attorney I
thought there was just

a couple of things we should
go over before the meeting.

- Nice house!

Any place I could take a shit?

Guest bathroom's fine.

I'll
explain that later.

Wow.

Anyway, here's what
we're gonna do,

you are gonna put a
big smile on your face

and you're gonna accept
their settlement offer.

You're gonna give her
the money that she wants

and you're gonna double it.

Plus, you're gonna give her
the house in the Hamptons

and a piece of your business,
let's say 20 percent.

And finally, most importantly,
you're gonna apologize

for being such a
horrible person.

You fucked up one too
many times Kendrick,

it's time to pay the piper.

- Pay the piper.

Did she put you up to this?

- No, no.
- This is my idea.

- Really?

Your own idea? Big boy idea?

Good. Listen you have
five seconds to tell me

that you're joking and get
the fuck off my property

before you have a
really serious problem.

- Vince, let's just go.

- No, no, no, we haven't
even started yet,

you are going to make
things right with Jane

right here, right now.

- Well that seems
highly unlikely.

- Vince.

- No, no. He's going to
admit that what he did

was a huge mistake,
that he fucked up

the best thing that
ever happened to him.

He's going to apologize
for being so self-involved

that he didn't realize he was
hurting both you and himself.

And that he was really
turned on by how good

you are at games that involve
hand-eye coordination.

- What?

- If he did that,
can you forgive him?

- I guess that I could
probably forgive that.

- And could you give
him another chance then?

- I might give him another date.

- You realize I'm talking
about you and I, right?

- Yeah, I picked up on that.

- Okay, good, I
was just checking.

Well then I'm sorry.

Are you two finished

with your little
performance here?

- Ah, Kendrick, you
know I know everything

about you, right?

I mean it would be
a shame if some of

your private matters
became public knowledge.

- I have nothing to hide.

- Is that right? How about...?

God, I love this one.

- No problem, you can't
use this in court.

- And then there's these.

Oh, that is a tight ass there.

You're much more athletic
there than I expected.

Oh, I particularly
love the ball gag.

Is there a whole fist in there?

That might be my favorite.

Great penis.

How
did you get these?

- I had a little
crick in my neck so I

paid a visit to your
masseuse, very forthcoming.

Oh and by the way, she
offered me a happy ending,

I declined.

- Oh, so heroic.

- You can't submit
these as evidence,

you'll be disbarred.

- You're right, but
what if these ended up

in the hands of a newspaper?

I mean you're the Pickle
Prince, imagine the headline.

- Goddammit man!

You're my attorney.

- Not after today, pal.

Ooh you know what, let me just

keep that one for my scrapbook.

You don't
have a scrapbook, liar!

Did you see
that? It's a great cock.

My God, you're a pig.

Pickle pig!

- If I'm the pickle pig
then you're the princess

ex-princess,
the ex-princess

of the pickle pig, fuck!

- Well, that about sums it up.

Fair is fair, isn't that right?

We'll have the paperwork
sent over to you

this afternoon and
unless you guys

have anything else,
we're done here.

No hard feelings, huh?

- I hope you enjoyed yourself,

because your ass is out of here.

- Yeah, I was sort
of planning on that.

I want you to know that
I went easy on you too.

You see, I could be having
sex with your ex-wife now.

But it turns out, I'm in
love with your ex-wife.

You know, the other one.

Anyway...

- My office, now.

- Yeah. Ladies.

- Shit's about to go down.

- Alright, so I guess I
can do this full time now,

what do they pay a coach?

- You've got a free cap.

-That I paid for.

- Look, you throw in a
pension plan, I'm in.

- So what's the
line on the game?

- Ah, let's see, first
baseman's got asthma,

pitcher's near-sighted,
and our best hitter

is deathly afraid of
anything being thrown at him,

so I'd say, yeah, we're
gonna lose by a lot.

Well I have faith.

I bet your team
wins by two runs.

I will win
this bet, we suck,

we're so gonna lose this
game, what's the wager?

You guys still
doing the whole bet thing?

Really? Isn't that
a little played out?

- Yeah, I gotta go
with Kenny on this one.

If you win the bet.

- Yeah, I'm in. Look
alive out there, fellas!

And just so you know,
winning is not everything,

alright, sometimes
more valuable lessons

can be learned by losing.

Especially if it's
by two runs or more.

Go get them!

- Don't listen to him!

- So what's your plan?

- I'm not sure, I think
maybe this whole thing

was a blessing in disguise.

All those years of
chasing money and climbing

the ladder I'd forgotten why
I love law in the first place.

- Yeah, why's that?

- It's helping people,
I lost sight of that

along the way.

- Wow.

- So I think I'm going
to work for a non-profit,

maybe specialize in
environmental law,

just because it's always

been something very dear to me.

See what happens.

- That's amazing, I'm
really excited for you.

It's gotta be liberating --

- No, I'm just fucking with you,

I'm gonna leave the
non-profit shit to Kenny.

- Hey, I charge my clients.

- Yeah, sure you do.

Me, on the other hand,
start my own firm,

go make more money than God.

- Hey, honey, don't we
have our own little wager?

- Oh yeah, yeah, and
I'm a woman of my word,

but if I move in and
I find out you've got

some weird habit like
you floss your asshole

with my face towel or save
your belly button lint

in a jar, so help me God
I will take your balls,

- Oh here we go.

- No wait for it,
this is a good one.

I will take each
ball individually,

I will put it on a skewer --

- Ooh, like a kebob.

Yeah, like a ball
kebob.

I will roast it over
an open flame --

- You did it, that's great.

- Play ball!

- Come on, Bobby!

- It's too bad they lost, huh?

- Yeah, so sad.

- It's been a crazy,
stupid amount of build-up

for this moment, huh?

- Definitely.

- Yeah. Phew!

- High probability of
it being anti-climatic.

- Yeah, anti-climax-ic...

- That never happens with
me, just so you know.

- Me neither, I can go
all night, don't worry.

- Men have said that
to me, but it never

works out that way.

- Trust me, I can
go longer than you,

so, we're good.

- Care to make a bet?

- I'll take that bet.

Shake on it.

- Nah.

And action!

- And in all this
time, have you ever

been unfaithful to your husband,
Mrs. Chenowith.

And by the way, your
wife, let's just say

she stuffed grape
leaves.

- Oh, I didn't realize
that not jogging

was still available
as an op-- what?

Mine ended with a couple
putting in the necessary

time to take.

I didn't really realize that
not jogging was still...

What?

- And that is why I never
flush while still sitting,

you never know
where you're gonna

find 27 pounds of shit.

Oh, I didn't realize that
not jogging was...

- Are they
roller-skating upstairs?

No, not gonna
happen, fuck, dammit.

- We need some more
Arizona iced tea

if you don't mind.

Kenny? Oh man,
Kenny I gotta poop.

I really gotta... can you
at least hand me this beer?

My nose itches, man,
will you itch my nose?

Kenny.

- Oh I didn't realize that
not jogging was actually

an option, cause if
that's the case

I vote for that.

- There's butt
soup, breast soup.

Think
about my hole.

- I think that's my pacemaker.

- There's probably some
small scissors we could

get in there, no, nothing?

- Back, shoulder.

It's just like hair
soup, just straight hair.

Tracy,
what are you doing?

- I don't... I should
go back to work now,

shouldn't I? I
spoke out of turn,

I'm so sorry.

- Come on man, you've
seen me naked before.

- So, do we like
girls at all, or?

- Come on, at least
bring me a long straw.

Celeste is a go,
I repeat, Celeste is a go.

- That's titties for you,
there ain't no titties for us.

- No tits.

- Come on.

- I'm the black friend, right?

- I guess that would
make me the white friend.

- Up top.

- This doesn't look
like an airplane.

- You shut your fucking mouth!

- You need to go shopping
for a new blouse.

Look, I'm you and this is Jane,

this is your nuts.

You should try
that on.

- Be strong, my sensitive boy,

I salute you.

Ooh! Bad.

- Alright, so you guys ready?

I bet you guys, you do
this, you pay attention,

I'm gonna show you once
and you're gonna have to

do it, I'll even do it
a little slower for you.

So, one, two, three,
head, head, head.

One, two, three,
head, head, head.

Then it's stop,
bring it this way.

Got it?

Let's do it.

Five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three,
head, head, head.

Who's the winner?

♪ I've waited
a long long time

♪ So I've been thinking

♪ That it's time for
me to take my time

♪ I've got this feeling

♪ To be taken over by my pride

♪ There's times in this
world when I wonder

♪ There's times in this
world when I can't see

♪ I've waited a long, long time

♪ Oh whoa, whoa, whoa, I've
waited a long, long time

♪ I've been wanting
for you to comfort me

♪ Embrace me or let go
and just set me free

♪ There's times in this
world when I wonder

♪ There's times in this
world when I can breathe

♪ I've waited a long, long time

♪ Oh whoa, whoa, whoa, I've
waited a long, long time ♪