The Odd Couple II (1998) - full transcript

[INDISTINCT CHEERING]

[BOOING]

COMMENTATOR 1: Doesn't have
a handle on that one at all.

COMMENTATOR 2: He's not
getting down on the ball...

COMMENTATOR 1:...still
struggling here in the early...

Oh, my God.

[INDISTINCT YELLING]

The old cockahs in the stands

are better than the young
cockahs on the field.

- Who's the man?
- WOMAN: Throw that already!

Come on!



He just missed someone
in the crowd!

What crowd?
We could all go home in one car.

Maybe he should lay down a bunt.

This guy couldn't lay down
a carpet.

Now he's over swinging.

Don't complain. At least
he's cooling off the place.

Strike! Get out of here!

OSCAR: You remember Clemente,
on the Pittsburgh Pirates?

I always envied you, Oscar.

Covering the Yankees
and the Mets.

- I bet you miss New York, huh?
- Well, what was I gonna do?

They sold the paper
to an Australian.

Lucky for me they didn't sell
to the Japanese.

It would take me a year
to read the batting averages.



- [HORN HONKING]
- Oh, Oscar!

Oh, hiya, Peaches.

I'm having a dinner party
Friday night.

We're short one man.

How about Abe here?
He's a short man.

You can run, Oscar,
but you can't hide.

- See ya.
- [OSCAR LAUGHS]

That's such
an original expression.

I hate a woman
who talks like Muhammad Ali.

- Hey, Conchita!
- Tough loss today, eh, Oscar?

Yeah, I'm suicidal, honey.

If I call 911 tonight,
any chance of mouth to mouth?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Yeah, beso loco. Mm.

What's the matter? Don't you
look at a good ass anymore?

I'm not allowed
to look at pastrami,

why should I look at an ass?

[SNICKERS] Are you coming
to the game tonight, Abe?

I'll be a little late.
I have to pay my respects.

- A friend in my building died.
- Oh, sorry to hear that.

What did he die of?

He got hit by lightning
on a golf course.

Ah. He should have been
using his woods.

[CAR STARTS]

Find out what his rent was.
I'm always looking for cheaper.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- See you at the game.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[LATIN MUSIC PLAYS]

- [DOG BARKING]
- [CAT MEOWING]

I used to make that shot.

Damn it, Madison!

My wife and I
are fed up with this!

I'm filing a complaint.
Are you gonna clean this up?

Absolutely.

Whatever the cats don't finish
I'll clean up later.

[GRUNTS]

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION]

ABE: Come on, where is Oscar?

Coming! I'm in! I'm in!

Nobody bet. Hold the bets.
I got a raise coming.

- How are we doing, girls?
- Everybody's in except Esther.

Esther, you didn't make
your straight?

Who knows?
I can't see the numbers.

Why can't we play
with those great big cards?

We tried that once.

Every time I shuffled,
Abe's toupee blew off.

Not anymore.

This is the kind
you can swim in.

Be careful, Abe.
If you swim with that rug,

and they'll think
you're building a dam.

Oh, come on.

Who gets the Eggeman's
uh, lemon loaf cake,

no cholesterol,
no fat, no taste?

- That's mine.
- One plate of chemical

- sponge cake for Millie.
- Thanks, darling.

You're welcome. Wanda...
Wanda, you vixen,

you know how that perfume

- drives me crazy!
- [SQUEAKS]

- You really like it?
- Yeah.

- Also I see I got you beat!
- He always does that to me!

Don't worry about it.
Listen,

I lost so many brain cells
today, I forgot what I saw.

Just like my third husband,
he should rest in peace.

How do you know he's dead?
Maybe he's just bluffing.

- [LAUGHING]
- It's not funny.

Who gets the salt-free nachos
with cottage cheese chili?

Oh, that's mine, Oscar.

One Jenny Craig Mexican style

type of casserole dinner
for Señorita Abromowitz.

And we have a cherry soda
for Abe.

What happened to Abe?
Where's Abe?

Here.

Oh. Why don't you sit
on a magazine? I can't see you.

This isn't cherry, it's lemon.

Now it's cherry.

Ha-ha!

Whose bet is it?

Millie raised a quarter,
so it's 33 cents for you.

Thirty-three cents? You need
nerves of steel for this game.

[PHONE RINGS]

- I'm in. Let me get that.
- [ABE MUMBLES]

We never finish the game.

All right, all right,
I'm coming, I'm coming.

Whoever it is,
I'll pay on Thursday.

You sound good, Pop.

Brucey! Brucey boy, how are you?
What are you do--

Hold it down, will you, girls?
It's my son from California.

California.

My sister lost three pairs
of dentures in the earthquakes.

- How does she eat?
- She sends out.

You, too, Brucey.
Are you still an actor?

Still an actor, Pop.

I got a call from CBS,
I might get a pilot this week.

Hey! That's terrific!

- My kid may get a pilot.
- He got his own plane?

You don't know what a pilot is?

It is a television show
that doesn't get on television.

Pop, that's not why I'm calling.

I've got some big news for you.

I'm getting married this week.

- Married?
- Yay!

- Why?
- Because I love her, that's why.

You didn't say it was a girl.
If you're happy, I'm happy.

My kid is getting married.

[OVERLAPPING CHEERING]

There goes my Rachel's
last chance.

It's this Sunday afternoon, Pop.

Think you can come?

Wild racehorses
couldn't keep me away.

- Where is it?
- At her mother's house

in San Malina.

San "Belone"?
What was the name again?

San Malina. It's about two hours
north of L.A.

- We'll send you the address.
- Okay. Listen,

If I'm not being too nosy,
sweetheart,

- who the hell are you marrying?
- She's an actress, Pop.

She's beautiful.

- [WHISPERING] So talented.
- She's so talented.

- [WHISPERING] Smart.
- She's very smart.

- And she loves your son. And I--
- You see what I mean, Pop?

I love her already.
So who is she?

Well...

Hold on to your hat, Pop.

I need a hat to hold on to
to hear this?

She's not one a six foot ten
basketball player, is she?

- As long as she's thin.
- [LAUGHING]

I can't hear you.

She's whose daughter?

Whose?

Oh, my God!

[VOCALIZING]

I'm sorry.

Miss?

[SNIFFLES] Ahem.

Excuse me, I wonder if I might
change my seat

into the non-smoking section?

Oh, well, the entire plane
is non-smoking, sir.

There's no one smoking
on this aircraft.

I understand,
but possibly the attendants

who clean the planes
at the airport

were smoking in here.
I'm very sensitive to that.

Well, I'm sorry, sir,
but the entire plane is full.

- Yeah, well...
- [SEAT BELT CLICKS]

Hey, ma'am...

see, it's not just the smoke.
The woman next to me

is wearing a perfume
I have a definite allergy to.

Well, I've already
moved you once.

Yeah. No, that was
because of hair spray.

- [FLIGHT ATTENDANT SCOFFS]
- Now, look,

I know that I sound crazy,
but I just happen to be

one of those
hyper-allergenic cases.

Can't you at least try?

You mean sniff every woman
on this plane

until you find a perfume
you're not allergic to?

I didn't complain
about the food, did I?

I didn't eat it,
but I didn't complain about it.

You asked for the Hawaiian
mahi-mahi

and I told you
that we only serve it

on the west-east flights,
not the east-west flights.

I thought there might be
one piece of mahi-mahi

making the return trip.
That's all.

Just forget it, I'll manage.

I have some cough lozenges,
if you like.

Aw, that's sweet...
Thank you, no.

I have an unusually small
windpipe.

If it got stuck,
I could be dead in two minutes.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[BREATHING RAGGEDLY]

Are you having trouble
breathing?

I'm nervous because my daughter
is getting married Sunday...

- Oh.
- ...in California.

In San...

San, uh...

Well, I've got a friend
picking me up.

- Oh. Nice.
- [CHUCKLES]

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

- [GROANS]
- Are you all right?

Your face is turning blueish.

- [GROANS]
- Do you need oxygen?

Yeah, but you never know
who's been using that before.

[GROANS]

Stewardess!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Excuse me. [CHUCKLES]

Ah! I see my bag.
Excuse me, please, sir.

What happened here?

What do you--
What do you call this?

This is mishandling of luggage!
It's a federal misdemeanor.

Did you see this?

Oscar?

Felix?

Oscar!

Felix!

Look out!

[PEOPLE GASP]

Oh, God!

We haven't even said hello,
and I've got a broken leg.

It's just a sprain.
Hello, Felix.

Let me know
when you gonna hit a bump.

- [GROANS]
- Okay, that was a bump.

Here we go, we're all set.

Yeah. Maybe we could stop

and get a pair of crutches
some place.

[GROANS] Damn.

Yeah, I'll keep my eye open
for a crutch store.

I'm sure there's a lot of them
on the freeway.

Now, hold on to me
and let's hop over to the car.

[FELIX GROANING]
- That's it.

That's it. Now you've got it.
Okay.

- Oh, God.
- Now, bend down...

- Huh?
- ...and slide into the seat.

You know what I mean?

- And tell me when--
- Ouch!

- Tell me when it hurts.
- That hurts.

All right.
I've got a good idea.

Don't tell me when it hurts
'cause it's gonna hurt anyway.

So when I count to three,
we'll do it all in one big move.

One, two, three!

[GROANS] Oh, God!

I like "it hurts" better.

Oh! Oh, God!

Got you some ice
from the machine.

It'll keep the swelling down.

I need something
to put the ice in.

Put it in your sock!
What am I, an orthopedic?

Foot feeling any better?

It's not a foot anymore.
It's a piece of frozen meat.

Hang it out the window,
it's warm out.

God, I'm starving. I haven't
eaten since last night.

Didn't they serve on the plane?

No, my fish was flying east.

[SIGHS]

Here's my complimentary nuts.

Go ahead.
If your teeth keep chattering,

you'll have peanut butter
in three minutes.

Oscar, do you know
what the fat content of nuts is?

Not to mention the salt content.

I could have a heart attack
at the wedding.

Felix, I haven't seen you
in how long? Eight, nine years?

It's 17, 17 years, Oscar.
You couldn't even remember

that we haven't seen each other
for 17 years?

To tell you the truth,
I didn't dwell on it.

All right, 17 years.
So your hair got whiter,

your ears got bigger,
your nose got longer...

but you still retain
that... unique,

elusive, pain in the ass quality
that drives me berserk.

FELIX: Oh, really?

Well you have changed.
When I saw you at the airport,

I thought you'd died
and your mother came to tell me.

I heard that line
on The Jerry Seinfeld show.

So what? It's how fast
I thought of it that counts.

Open the window.
I want to throw the water out.

It is open.

Sorry, they must have
just cleaned it.

Feeling better now?

What's the matter?
Did you sprain your tongue too?

I'm angry at myself.

I shouldn't have yelled at you
back there.

We've always had
bad chemistry, Felix.

We mix like oil
and frozen yoghurt.

- But I'm glad to see you anyway.
- Oh, yeah. Hey, me too, Oz.

I was some kind of nut
in those days, huh?

- From pecan to pistachio.
- [FELIX LAUGHS]

I guess I still am.

You know, I hate mess
and I hate disorder.

I went to a hypnotist
to try to cure me.

- It didn't work, right?
- No.

He was late. I straightened up
his office and left.

[LAUGHING]

You better pull off the freeway.
I got to pee.

[FELIX LAUGHS]

[VOCALIZING]

Hi.

How are you doing, kid?

Are you all right?
Are you the waiter?

What do you want?

Five dollars.

Why should I give you
five dollars?

Your friend said you would

for telling you
he's locked in the bathroom.

Why did you tell him five bucks?

He's only a kid. He would've
done it for a quarter.

What freeway are
we supposed to be on?

The 405.

Yeah, I think that sign
back there said 101.

If you didn't have the brains
to pee back at the airport,

how the hell would you know
what the sign said?

Reading and peeing
are two different things.

At your age you're lucky
you can do either one.

Is your daughter
anything like you?

I mean,
she's not going to clean up

after the reception, is she?

Hey, listen, my daughter
is wonderful young lady,

and your son is damn lucky
to get her, I'll tell you that.

Let me tell you something else.

Please, don't.
That's why I moved to Florida.

We keep this up,
I'll be living in Guatemala.

Boy, that's fine by me.

So, what are you, retired now?

What, me, retired?
Oh, God. Never.

No, I'm doing part-time
charity work at the hospital.

What do you mean? Bed pans,
stuff like that?

No, no, no, no. I read to them.
I read them stories,

write letters for them,
tell them jokes.

It's good for me too, you know.
After my last wife...

You've probably heard
about that.

Sorry to hear that.
I heard she went very quickly.

Moved out while I was asleep.
Never even left a note.

What does that make,
three divorces now?

Three divorces,
two broken engagements,

and five women who disappeared
on the first date.

Went to the ladies' room,
never came back.

Ah, you just had some bad luck
with your personality.

Well, maybe,
but I haven't given up, Os,

because somewhere out there
there's a right woman for me.

You want me to stop the car
and go and look?

[LAUGHS] No, but you
should pull over

because I've got to eat.

I have this low sugar condition,
I have to eat every four hours.

Why the hell didn't you eat

when we stopped back
at El Pollo Loco?

Because it wasn't time
to eat yet, it was time to pee.

[SCOFFS]

All right, Felix.

Make out a timetable,
when you're going to eat, pee,

fart, cry and sleep

because that's the last time
I pull off the freeway.

Oh!

And I suppose you never
have to pee, huh?

I do it for half hour
in the morning

and then I'm through
for the day.

[MUMBLES]

OSCAR: What have you got there?
What are you doing?

How do you know
which ones to take?

Doesn't make any difference.
Whatever they fix, I've got.

[SNIFFLES]

Don't you take them with water?

With the local water?
[LAUGHING] Oh, you...

Water from around here?

Don't you know
how many pesticides

they have in the local water?

Lower your voice, will you?

People in here don't know
they'll be dead in a week.

[MUFFLED] Uh-oh.
Ahem!

[VOCALIZING]

Didn't you fix that yet?

Almost. Just one...

[LOUD VOCALIZATION]

What the hell...
Open a window, will you?

How long was I asleep?

I don't know. I didn't know
you wanted me to time it.

Hey, look at this.
We're off the freeway.

Are we almost there?

I don't think so.

What do you mean?
What do the directions say?

They are gone.
I threw them out of the window.

[LAUGHS] You threw them out...

You threw them
out of the window!

What the hell made you do
a stupid thing like that?

Well, I had them on my lap
so I could read them.

I lit my cigar, the hot ashes
fell on my crotch,

the map caught fire.

I had the choice
of either finding the house

or burning one of most
important parts of my body.

- Guess which I picked?
- Unbelievable.

So you just picked any exit
and got off?

I had to get off some place,
didn't I?

This isn't some place,
this is no place.

Pull over, I'll get the
directions out of my suitcase.

- Where is my suitcase? Yeah.
- Your suitcase? In the trunk.

- No.
- No?

- No.
- Did you look good?

The trunk is about this big,
right?

It takes a second and a half
to look in there.

Your 1927 piece of cardboard
is there, but my suitcase isn't.

What are you talking about?
It's got to be there.

Let me look at it.

FELIX: Oscar...

I'm going to try to stay calm
while I say the next sentence.

If it isn't in there,

where in the hell
is my goddamn suitcase?

This is just a wild guess.

I'd say it's standing in front
of the Budget Rent A Car office.

What, in Los Angeles?

That's a good guess, too.

God Almighty. We're going to go
back and get it!

Go back?

It took us two hours
to get here.

It's gonna take us
another five hours to go back,

'cause I don't know how the hell
we got here in the first place.

Then we'd have
to make three stops.

One for you to pee, one for you
to get locked in the john,

and one for you to pay a kid
five dollars to get out,

and then we'd have to stop again
for you to eat!

Do you understand

- what I'm talking about?
- [FELIX SCOFFS]

[SIGHS]

What did you have in there?

An ironing board, some
spot remover? I'll pay you back.

In that suitcase was my black
formal afternoon suit

that I bought to wear to give
my daughter away in marriage.

And in that suitcase was
a $6,000 Tiffany silver tray,

which I bought
as a wedding present.

Oh! And in that suitcase
was $10,000 in cash,

which I intended to give to my
son-in-law on his wedding day.

Now, in your suitcase,
the police are going to find

your broken, smashed,
mutilated and dissected body

in the event
that you don't go back

and find my fucking suitcase!

Why don't we ask Budget
to deliver it?

Deliver? Deliver where?
You've crisscrossed California

more than the covered wagons
did 100 years ago!

What the hell
are we going to tell them?

Follow the burned pieces
of directions on the freeway?

All right, we drive
to the first town we see

and then we'll call Budget.
I guarantee it.

That was my best
leather suitcase.

How long is it gonna stand
on the sidewalk unclaimed, huh?

Somebody will be eating
a pepperoni pizza tonight

on my daughter's silver
Tiffany tray.

Okay. Come on back in the car.

If it's still there,
and they have no things today,

they will get it to you fast.

Like Federal Express, UPS,
uh... fax...

You're gonna fax
my suitcase to me?

I can wear a picture
of my black wedding suit.

- Take it easy.
- And paper copies

- of $10,000 cash!
- [OSCAR GROANS]

Would you stop it? Don't
get physical with me, Felix!

I'm too old to hit,
but I could spit you to death!

Get in the car.

I want to know one thing:
Why, when you get around me

you start to behave like
a goddamn imbecilic,

idiotic, totally moronic
shithead?

- Hey! Wait!
- OSCAR: Hey, wait!

Didn't you put the brakes on?

Why? I didn't know
you were gonna punch it.

Well...

we better call Budget and have
them fax us another car, huh?

[CROWS CAWING]

[OLD WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS]

- I think I know where we are.
- Oh, you do, huh? Where?

In a Clint Eastwood movie.

Huh. "The Good, the Bad
and the Stupid," huh?

How are you feeling?
You're not the only one

who lost everything
in his suitcase.

Oh, really?
Now, what did you lose,

an old Mets T-shirt and a half
of a corned beef sandwich?

I lost the most important thing
in my life.

- What's that?
- My return ticket to Sarasota,

- Florida.
- Uh-huh.

Listen, instead of complaining,
why don't you look for a phone?

What the hell makes you think
there'd be a telephone

anywhere out here?

This is probably where they test
those nuclear bombs.

They would have to call somebody
to find out if they went off.

[BOTH GASP]

I thought that was a snake.

They probably got poisonous
spiders out here, too.

Get out of here!
What will they live on?

You think they're waiting
for two schmucks

- like us to show up?
- Come on.

I got to sit down. Let's rest.

[FELIX MOANS]

[BOTH GROAN]

[FLY BUZZING]

[SIGHS] Oscar...

we need to have a plan.

- Agreed?
- Agreed.

What should the plan be?

I don't care, I agreed.
I did my part.

We got to find a telephone
and call Hannah's mother,

get her to send a car out here
to pick us up, huh?

- You know the number?
- No, it was in my suitcase.

- We could call the information.
- In what town?

San... My daughter said San...
Don't you remember?

No, I was playing poker.
I couldn't hear anything.

San Marino?

No, it wasn't San Marino.
Maybe San Cantino?

- Not San Cantino.
- No, not San Cantino.

- San Sereno?
- No, not San Sereno.

- San Bandino.
- San Patino.

San Farina. Where are you going,
for crying out loud?

San Farina!

We-- We could this forever.
We need a phone book.

How many towns
can sound like that?

In California, all of them.

San Diego, San José,
San Quentin...

- San Mateo.
- San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.

Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzalez.

- San Jemima.
- San Jemima?

What do I know? Fernando Lamas.
Ricardo Montalban.

- Ricky Ricardo.
- San Pagaue.

- Where is that?
- Near Santa Pirano.

Los Pintos, Las Brisas,
Los Pecos. Sound familiar?

Yeah, they are hotels
in Acapulco.

[FELIX SNICKERS]

Look, a car has to come
from some direction.

While you stand here, I'll stand
on the other side of the road.

So we can catch all
the heavy traffic

at five o'clock at Los Pecos?

You got a better idea,
Los Idiot?

[SIGHS]

You see anything yet?

Yeah. For a minute I thought
I saw Omar Sharif on a camel.

Hey! Come back!

What was it? It just went by!

I hear something.
Do you hear it?

With our luck it's the killer
bees from Brazil.

[WHIRRING]

FELIX: What the--?

What the hell was that?

They purposely did it.
They hate New Yorkers.

Oh, my God! [MUMBLES]

Who's gonna pick us up now?

We look like a couple
of Pillsbury Doughboys.

Well...

let's get out of the sun
before we start to rise.

Oh, boy.

[FELIX LAUGHS]

- What's so funny?
- I was just thinking...

If we ever get there,

we can be the two figures
on the wedding cake.

- Hilarious.
- Yeah.

- Hey! Hey, hey!
- FELIX: Hey! Get...

Stop! Stop.

Hey amigos, where are you going

- San Redondo.
- San Yolando.

Where?

San Tamale. San Taco Bell.
We'll go anyplace.

- Hop in. [SPEAKING SPANISH]
- Thank you very much.

Go ahead.

[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS]

What are you doing out here
with no car?

It's a long story.

We're going to a wedding.
My daughter and his son.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

- Then you must be good friends.
- Oh! Hey! The best.

We need to find a telephone.
Can you do that for us?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

No problem.
Gas station two miles from here.

- I'll take you there.
- Oh, gracias.

That's very nice of you.
We'll be glad to pay you for it.

No. No, no, no.

You are compadres,
you are poor people like me.

This is my wedding gift
for your children.

Oh, you hear that, Os?

A wedding gift for our children.

It's more than I'm gonna
give them.

[HONK HORNING]

[YELLING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Gee, I hope nothing is wrong.

I'd hate to break
our lucky streak.

Compadres, very bad news.

These men, my cousins,
they say mi mamá, very sick.

I have to go to her very pronto.
It's back where we come from.

- Back there?
- I go with them.

They drive very fast. You take
my truck to gas station, please.

Leave it there for me.
Rico, that's my name.

- They know me there.
- Are you sure, Rico?

We'll be very careful with it.

I know, I trust you.
Look!

- If you get hungry, eat peaches.
- [HORN HONKING]

- Oh!
- [SPEAKING SPANISH]

I did pretty good, comprende?

And this time,
I'm gonna drive, amigo.

Which is what I should have done
in the first place, muchacho.

Why don't you use a handkerchief

so you don't get
peach juice all over me, huh?

You think we're pulling in to
the Pebble Beach Country Club?

Oh!

FELIX: Come on, baby, don't
give now. We're almost home.

It's not gonna make it.
It's not in the cards.

We're riding a dead horse,
we're coming in for the funeral.

Stop being such
a goddamn pessimist.

- I bet you we make this hill.
- How much?

Come on. Almost.
Yes! I knew it! I knew it!

Never count me out
till the fat lady divorces me.

What the hell is that?

I don't know, maybe they
want some free peaches.

All right. Stop the truck!

Are they talking to us?

That's a lot of cops
to give one ticket.

Step out of the vehicle! Now!

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

[TRUCK DOOR CLOSES]

Put your hands
where we can see them.

Officers, I think there is some
kind of mistake here.

We didn't steal the truck,

and we didn't pick
any peaches. I swear.

I said on the ground, now!

- OFFICER: Both sides. Go!
- All right, cuff them.

You don't think this
has anything to do with me

offering that kid money
in the bathroom, do you?

You're under arrest
for violation

of California Immigration
Law 1407:

Transportation
of illegal aliens.

You have the right
to remain silent.

You two jokers, step forward.

Let's go.

[FELIX LAUGHS]

What's so amusing now?

Nothing. I was just thinking

of how we're going to tell
Hannah and Brucey

why we are 40 years late
for their wedding.

You stop worrying,
we'll get out of this.

Not without a lawyer, we won't.
Have you got a lawyer?

Yeah, in Florida. He's 92.

It takes him six hours
to walk to the telephone.

The case will be over.

We'll just tell them the truth.

Hey! There's our guy!

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

How is your
dying mama, compadre?

Mucho better, gracias.

Good. I'll send her
a crate of peaches.

Are you going to tell them
the truth or not, amigo?

I told them the truth.

I said you picked me up
on the road, you gave me a ride,

then I saw my friends,
and they took me home.

And that's the truth, no?

He's got a better story
than ours.

I think we're in trouble.

- Oscar Madison. Felix Ungar.
- Yeah, here. Here we are.

We're present. Right here.

- Let's go.
- I told you, didn't I?

If we go down,
you go down with us!

What are you,
Dirty Harry or something?

You watch too much television.

Okay.

So now, tell me one more time

how the rented car
caught fire and exploded.

He called me a shithead
and punched the car.

It went rolling down the hill.

Why did you punch the car?

Because the shithead threw
the directions to the wedding

out the window
and left my suitcase

at the Rent A Car agency.

Why did you throw the directions
out the window?

Because they caught fire
from my cigar ashes

and were burning on my crotch!

The first time he's been hot
down there for years.

I just wanted to remind you
of how it felt down there.

Okay, boys. Calm down.

You two don't
get along too well, do you?

Oh, that's not true.

There was a period of 17 years
that was wonderful.

Then, unfortunately,
we saw each other again.

And who did you say
was getting married?

My daughter and his son.

[SNICKERS]

[INAUDIBLE]

Oh!

Well...

these other officers and myself

all agree that if you two
can't find your way

to your own children's wedding,
there isn't a chance in hell

you could smuggle 20 illegal
aliens across the border.

Besides, we got a confession
from the truck driver.

You are free to go.

Oh, thank you.
We appreciate it, officer.

Come on, let's go, Oscar.

Wait a minute.
There's a matter of false arrest

- here.
- FELIX: Huh?

I happen to have one
of the finest legal minds

for an attorney
in the state of Florida.

- Yeah. Get him out of here!
- Come on, Oscar. Let's go!

- Come on.
- And he-- You may hear from him.

- Yeah. Let's go, Oscar.
- All right, sir.

We still don't know
how to get to the wedding.

There's a girl outside
at the computer.

Give her the family's name.
She'll run it down.

Okay, thank you very much.
We appreciate that.

Bye-bye.

Like I don't have enough.

[PHONE RINGING]

FRANCES: Hello. Felix?

Oh! We've been
worried about you.

Well, unfortunately,
we took a wrong turn.

Everywhere.

What did you say the name
name of the town was again?

San Malina.

San Malina. That's right.

That's what I kept
saying to Oscar.

Where are you?

In a little town called...

- Santa Menendez.
- Santa Mene-- Santa Menendez.

I don't know how far
it is from where you are.

About five hours.

Five hou-- Five hours?

If you know the way.

- Is there a hotel in this town?
- Right down the street.

The Santa Florita.

Felix!

- Our new underwear has arrived.
- [DOOR OPENS]

- FELIX: Oh, terrific.
- Catch!

Oh, boy.

Caught that
like a major leaguer.

Look at these shorts.
I look like I could be

a cocktail waitress
at a crap game.

OSCAR: Yeah.

Yeah. I think if you
wiggle your fanny right,

you can make double sixes.

Let's get something to drink.

["OLD TIME ROCK AND ROLL"
BY BOB SEGER PLAYING IN BAR]

[MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES]

This doesn't look like
our kind of crowd.

If anyone gets tough,
just show him your underwear.

Huh.

- What will it be, gents?
- Hi.

I'll have a dry Martini
on the rocks, please.

Martini?

- Yeah.
- [SCOFFS]

- How about you?
- A double scotch for me, please.

[WHISPERING, SNICKERING]

Evening.

Hi.

It's, huh, a beautiful weather,
isn't it?

Just terrific, honey.

Hmm.

Um, mm-hmm?

If you are thinking what I think
you're thinking, forget it!

- I'm not thinking, I'm talking.
- Don't.

This is my friend, Felix
over here.

They call me Oscar.

Hi, Felix. Hi, Oscar.

- OSCAR: Hi.
- I'm Thelma.

Thelma?
You're not Louise, are you?

Like I haven't been asked that
about a million times.

- [THELMA SNICKERS]
- I'm Holly.

Holly?
That's a very nice name,

especially around
Christmas time.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- He's cute.

So what do you-- What do you...
Like, staying here at the hotel?

We're just passing through.

Passing through? So are we.
Where are you headed?

Don't know yet.
Maybe Lake Tahoe, maybe Vegas.

Just lovers
of the open road, eh?

We're saving our money
for Tahoe.

We've got a van out back.

That couldn't be comfortable
to sleep in, could it?

Oscar, If I didn't know better,

I'd say a nice old grandfather
like you

was trying to hit on
a couple of ladies.

I'm not as old as I look.

I had this plastic surgery
done recently.

The quack doctor botched it up.

Your friend doesn't say much,
does he?

He's the doctor
who botched it up.

[LOUD LAUGHTER]

Are you okay, doc?

I thing I put your mouth
in the wrong place.

OSCAR, THELMA, HOLLY: Ooh!

He's still upset because they
took his license away.

[LAUGHING]

We're closing the kitchen
in about half an hour,

if you still wanna have dinner.

Excuse me, ladies,
we haven't eaten all day.

Oscar, come on,

- doctor's orders.
- Where are your manners, Felix?

Perhaps the ladies
would like to join us

before they retire to their van?

Yeah, sure. Okay.

We'll meet you at the table.
After we've freshened up.

Are you crazy?
Two middle-aged bikers.

They're tougher than the guys
we just left in the jail.

And have you ever stop to think
what we could get?

"Lucky" is the only word
that comes to mind.

Come on.
I'm not gonna let you do this.

- [OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE]
- I know it's not gonna happen.

They'd never even
come up to our room.

And it would take two years

for you and me
to climb into their van.

And the last thing in the world

I want them to see
is our underwear.

What are you doing this for?

To be wanted.

To get close
to it happening one more time.

The wick is almost out, Felix.

All I want
is for the candle to glow

rather than curse the darkness.

It's not going out, Oscar.
Not yours, not mine.

But I still have hope
that out there somewhere,

we'll find the right
lamplighter.

You know, we just used
so many metaphors,

I forgot what the hell
we were talking about.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

- Good evening, sir.
- Are you gentlemen here

- for the seminar?
- What seminar would that be?

"Life - Does It Really
Have To End?"

Dr. John Boxer.
I'm 84 myself.

Dr. Boxer sees no reason
why I shouldn't be around

to celebrate the year 2020.

Maybe longer.
The seminar ends tomorrow.

But I have to get back
to my home in San Malina

to celebrate my daughter's
sixty-third birthday.

- Oh. Yeah.
- San Melina?

- That's where we're going.
- Well.

Fancy that! You gentlemen
need a lift?

They tell us
it's a five-hour drive.

You come with me, I'll have you
there in less than two hours.

- Oh.
- We leave at 6:00 a.m.,

- on the dot.
- Six in the morning?

- That sounds great to me.
- That's a little early for me.

You'll never live a long life
sleeping late.

I may have some business tonight
with friends from Lake Tahoe.

- Oh, please.
- Can you believe

these creeps
closed the bar already.

But don't worry, honey.
[WHOOPS] I stay open all night.

[LAUGHS]

I like a quiet man.
Talking always slows things up.

Well, huh...

perhaps I was wrong. Uh...

uh, 6:00 am would be
rather early for men like you.

It is.

- Good night.
- Bye.

- You go to Tahoe!
- Felix!

- I'm going with him.
- THELMA: Come on!

- Wait a minute, Felix. Felix!
- Oscar...

what are two wide awake girls
going to do

with one hunky, funny guy?

Why don't we all write
a suggestion

on a piece of paper?

[WOMEN CACKLING]

I wish your cute boy scout
friend would come back.

I'm just itching to dance, hon.

I'll go get him.
Don't scratch yet.

Thank you, sir. I'll see you
at six o'clock in the morning.

- That's fine. Fine.
- Thanks again.

I'm coming with you, I promise.

Just do me one favor,
come inside and dance for me.

Why would I want to dance
for you?

Because I'm hunky,
the other one is itchy.

- Oh, my God.
- Please. Just come in and dance,

and you can call the shots
the rest of the way.

- Yeah, uh...
- Please, Felix.

Please.

["I LIKE IT, I LOVE IT"
BY TIM MCGRAW PLAYS]

You're a very smooth dancer,
Oscar. What's your secret?

Leather soles.

Got anything closer?

I went to high school
with a boy like you.

- Who was he, the principal?
- Ha-ha!

What are you,
divorced or single or what?

Oh, something like that.

You have very strong hands.
You work out?

No, but my door at home
gets stuck a lot.

[CACKLES]

Having fun?

Oh, yeah. But I think
I'm stuck to your Velcro.

BARTENDER:
Someone wants to know

if there's a Thelma
and Holly here.

- What does he sound like?
- Drunk and real mad.

- Got to go, hon.
- Now? We just met.

I know, but we'll always
have Santa Menendez.

You've never met me,
you never saw me,

you never danced with me.

Okay. Are you satisfied?

Satisfying is not how
I would describe it.

Remember
what we agreed on earlier.

- What?
- I call the shots now, right?

- Oh, yeah, right.
- Ready for lights out?

Yeah, ready.

- Oscar! Oscar!
- [GASPS]

Where are we?

- Where are we?
- Yeah.

- We're in a hotel.
- I know, but where is the hotel?

In California,
in one of them Santa-places.

Oh, God, I woke up, I was lost.
And I-I got scared.

Did you ever do that,
wake up and get scared?

Yeah, when I wake up
and I see you staring at me.

I'm glad you're here, Os.

I don't mind being alone,
but not in strange places.

Oh.

I guess it's a part
of getting old.

You want to know
how to not feel old?

FELIX: How?

Hang around with people
who are older than you.

[CHUCKLES]

- Thanks, Os.
- You're welcome.

Get some sleep, will you, Felix?

Everything is gonna be
all right.

[CAR APPROACHING]

[HORN HONKING]

Hey! How about this!

How about that!

Probably gets two blocks
to the gallon.

OSCAR: Hello, sir.

Glad to see you both
could make it.

Climb in, boys.

Thank you very much.
You certainly are prompt, sir.

There are only four of these
left in the country

- and I own them all.
- Oh. You're a collector?

No, I use the other three
for parts.

- Hmm.
- Hang on to your hats, boys.

["IN THE MOOD"
BY GLENN MILLER PLAYS]

Is this as fast as it goes?

It takes a few minutes
to warm up

and then we ride like the wind.

It's been a half hour

and the wind
is going faster than us.

Actually,
we're doing 85 right now.

No, that's your clock, sir.
It says 8:25.

Don't mind that clock,
it always breaks down.

Tell me. No offense,
but do you really think

we can make San Malina
in two hours?

- Who said that?
- You did last night.

No, no, no.

I think you misunderstood me.

What I meant was I can make
this five-hour trip

seem like two hours.

Take in the scenery, relax,
enjoy being alive and well.

Doing that, I actually made it
back once in an hour and 20.

Hmm.

[OSCAR GROANS]

[OLD MAN YAWNS]

Excuse me,
the scent of the trees

and flowers always
intoxicate me.

If you're intoxicated,

I'd be glad to be
the designated driver.

Oh, no, no. No, I'm fine.

Why are we stopping here?

[CROW CAWING]

He-- Hello.
Are you all right?

Jesus! [LAUGHS]

I think he's asleep!

Why? When was he awake?

All right.
Move him aside, I'll drive.

Oh-- What are you waiting for?
He'll wake up, and the snails

- will start passing us.
- No, he won't wake up.

- He's dead.
- Dead? How can you tell?

No heartbeat and no pulse
means dead.

I've seen that in the hospital.

Seen what? All you did
was read books and tell jokes!

What the hell do you
want me to do, an autopsy?

I'm telling you,
the man is dead!

At least he went quickly.

You call 12 miles an hour
quickly?

Oh, my God.

Pull his head back in
before a bird sits on it.

[GRUNTS]

Oh! [GROANS] Jesus!

I knew it!

I strained my neck.
It always happens.

Always? You mean whenever you
try to pull a dead body back in?

Oscar, get out of the car
and push his head back in.

I can't move. [GROANS]

Hey!

This guy is starting
to decompose already!

His hairpiece blew off.
Go get it.

Why? He's dead. Who does he
got to look good for?

Out of respect! Maybe his family
never knew. Just go get it!

Keep an eye on him.

Felix!

Huh?

It's not a hair piece any more.
Now, it's a nest!

FELIX: Shoo him away!

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Shoo! Shoo!

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Oi.

[HORN HONKING]

[OSCAR GRUNTING]

- Hey. Where did he go?
- He's on my lap.

On your lap?

Ah!

That's not a good position
because it looks like...

I know what it looks like.
Help me pull him up.

All right. Easy, easy.

[GUNSHOT]

What the hell was that?

It sounded like a gunshot.
Maybe it's hunting season.

What kind of animals
would they have around here?

- [GUNSHOT]
- I don't know.

Wow.

Can you believe this!
Get out and get that!

Uh, you know,
in the last three minutes

I've walked more
than we've driven today.

[HORN HONKING]

- Are you crazy?
- I didn't do it, he did!

Check his pulse again!

- Here. You take it.
- I don't want it.

- Put it on his head.
- Argh!

What are you doing?

I got to get his name
and address

so I can tell his relatives.

OSCAR:
This should be very interesting.

You can't stop
in the middle of the road.

Pull the vehicle over, please.

In order to do that,
we'd have to move the driver

and as you can see, he's...

- Is he sick?
- No.

Is he drunk?

No, try dead.

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

- How did this happen?
- We don't know.

We think that God
just came down and took him.

I'm going to have to ask you two
to step out of the vehicle.

So the man is dead
and you have his wallet

riding in an antique car
worth over $150,000?

How do you think this looks?

To you it looks terrible,

to my mother,
she wouldn't be that upset.

We didn't kill him or rob him!

You believed us before,
why don't you believe us now?

Because I didn't expect you
to keep bouncing back in here

like a beach ball!

And why did you take his toupee?

We didn't! A truck whizzed by
and blew it off!

Yeah, I tried to get it back.

A bird sat on it.

I shooed him and he flew away
with the hairpiece.

You shot him?
You had a gun?

No. No, not shot him.
I shooed him! Shoo! Shoo!

Then a hunter shot him,

and the bird fell down
on the car,

and the hairpiece fell
on the wind shield.

I hope there's
not going to be a trial

because I'd hate to repeat
that story in court. [LAUGHS]

[INAUDIBLE]

Okay.

The examination reveals
he died of natural causes.

His daughter just informed us
that he called last night

and said he was going
to give a lift home

to two nice young men
he met at the hotel.

Aw!

So, once again
you're out of here.

But if I see you back here
under arrest,

I will charge you both
with disturbing the law!

You mean disturbing the peace,
don't you?

No, it's only the law
you're disturbing.

There is a bus that leaves here
in about 20 minutes.

They make a quick stop
over in San Malina.

Be on it, get off it and stay
out of my face. You got it?

- Yes. Thank you very much.
- Good.

- [CHUCKLING]
- [CHIEF SIGHS]

I'm going to say something
that's going to surprise you.

Why do you have to introduce
everything you say?

It's either, "Oscar,
let me tell you something",

or "You may not like this,
but I'll say it anyway."

Why don't you just say it
and get it over with?

Then I can get back
to my racing form

and you can start thinking of
the next thing you're gonna say.

What? What? What is it?

I actually had a good time
on this trip.

- You did?
- Yes.

- As much as World War II?
- No, I mean it.

Sure, it was dirty, scary,
ugly and expensive.

But I've met a lot of people
I never would have met before.

I got out of the house,
had an adventure.

You know, there's more to life

than a job, dinner alone
and a TV show.

Do you know I feel younger now
than I have in years?

Why didn't you say this
last night,

when we could have used it?

[SNORING]

[THELMA SCREAMS]

- Oscar!
- Felix!

- Thelma?
- Hettie?

Holly.

Gee, it's nice
to see you girls again. Wow!

You, uh...
What happened to your van?

We had to dump it,
we were being chased.

- By the police?
- Worse, our husbands.

- Your husbands?
- We just walked.

You never said you were married.

We went to the bank,
we took half our money,

and we just hit the road.

Won't these guys be sore
when they catch up to you?

- [SCREAMS] Fit to kill!
- [HOLLY CACKLES]

Especially since they found out

we were at the hotel
with two men last night.

- You were? Us? Us!
- Us. They mean us, schmuck.

- What the--?
- [TIRES SCREECHING]

All, right, open up!

Damn! Wouldn't you know?
They tracked our perfume.

Stay put
and there'll be no trouble.

Sit tight, people.

- Oscar?
- Yeah?

I really have to pee.

Okay, Thelma.

[GROANS] The fun is over, baby.
Time to come home.

Home?
You mean that shack

with whiskey bottles
and bacon strips on the floor?

Remember, we don't know them,
we've never even seen them.

- What did you say?
- I honestly can't remember.

- That's them, isn't it?
- Mm-hmm.

The bartender at the hotel
described them.

Couple of Martini drinkers.

I know.

- Come on, honey.
- [GROANS]

We don't want to disturb
the nice people on this bus.

That's okay.

I wasn't talking to you,
Martini.

Come on, baby. I've got cold
beer waiting for you in the car.

Well, come on, boys, let's go.
You don't wanna miss the party.

[STAMMERING] What...
We have to go to a wedding...

of our...
But thank you all the same.

[SNICKERS]

You just don't get it, do you?
You are the party.

["LITTLE SISTER"
BY ELVIS PRESLEY PLAYS]

We just had an innocent drink
and innocent couple of dances.

- It was all very innocent.
- Get off the innocent thing.

- Will you?
- I mean,

why would a couple
of beautiful girls like this

want to run off with a couple
of old geezers like us?

Well, when the goose wants it,
the geese come running.

We're geezers, not geese.

Hey, Leroy,
where do you want to stop?

Over this hill is a nice stretch
of woods. That will do fine.

Do fine for what?

Cook us up a couple
of fine geezers.

That's funny! I'm sorry,
but that struck me as funny.

Damn it to hell! Damn it!

Don't worry about them.
I know all of them personally.

Don't you even want
to talk about it?

No.

Ever?

What's the point?

No matter what I say
you two still end up in here.

Would it be possible
to find out the results

of the second race
at Santa Anita?

I got a trifecta going.

- A what?
- A trifecta!

That's when you
pick the three winning horses

in the exact order of finish.

We have a wedding
that we cannot get to

and all he's got in his mind
is a trifecta.

I'll tell you who won.

- You know?
- Yes.

I won. You are my trifecta.

The same two men
have been arrested three times

for three different crimes,
and all three times by my men!

You know what the odds are

of that happening at any
police station in the world?

I would say roughly 12 million
to one.

What would it be if it happened
in a small sheriff's office

in a little town called
Santa Menendez, California?

It would be in the trillions.

- No bookie would handle it.
- Don't!

Oscar, of all the differences
that we have had,

of all the fights we've had,
of all those petty arguments

- that we've ever had...
- We can continue talking

because he's gonna be on this
for half an hour.

Of all the times I've wanted
to choke you by the throat,

this is the worst!

If you say "trifecta"
one more time,

I'm going to choke you
until you are dead!

And then that man can arrest me

one more time
for one more crime,

one more time in his office.

And he's gonna
have a "fourfecta!"

So you shut the fuck up,
do you hear me?

I think you can get a fourfecta
in Cuba,

- but it's a cigar.
- All right, you...

Let go of him! Sit down!

- Let go!
- Sit down! Now!

Both of you!

Since the ladies
already gave me a statement

that you two had nothing to do
with the abduction...

I have no reason to hold you.

I'm running for sheriff
next year.

I can't run a campaign
of mostly arresting you two!

I wouldn't advice it, sir.

If I promise to get you
to San Malina

in time for the wedding,
I need a guarantee

you will never come
within 100 miles of this town.

No, 200. Make it 300.

Since this is the first time in
74 years that I have been here,

- the odds of me coming--
- Don't finish that sentence!

All right, let's go.

FELIX:
The wedding is at five o'clock.

How are we going to
get there in time?

Just leave that to me.

I wish you had subways
around here.

I never get lost in subways.

- THELMA: I won't do that again.
- [HOLLY CACKLING]

- THELMA: I'll wait for you.
- HOLLY: I didn't know...

They made up?

Yeah. The boys
will spend a month in jail

for using firearms
on a public vehicle.

- They always get a month.
- What do you mean, "always"?

It's the fifth time
they have done this!

- The fifth time?
- It's a "fivefecta."

There is an airport
about five miles from here.

You can't land in San Malina,
but there's one in Rockport.

It's a 20 minute cab drive.

Oh, see, Rockport. Now, that's
a name I could've remembered.

The flight will take
about 40 minutes,

and we will have this car
drop you off at the airport.

A police car! Finally a ride
I can feel safe in.

I hope you won't be offended
by my saying.

I hope to God
I never see either of you again.

- Now, get out of here.
- If you'd like an endorsement

- for your campaign...
- No, thank you.

Andy, If those guys

commit a triple murder,
or rob a bank...

just let them go.

You know, Felix,

if some travel agent
booked this trip,

we could have sued them
for a fortune.

Hey, everything happens
for a reason, Oscar.

We're not going through all
of this for nothing.

I have a feeling there's
some divine pay off at the end.

Oh, yeah? You wanna buy my half?
I'll sell it real cheap.

[CHUCKLES] Here we are, pal.
We're gonna actually make it.

Oscar?

Is that you?

- It is you!
- Who's that?

I don't know.

I'm Felice Adams,
Blanche's sister.

Felice?

Oh, God, I didn't recognize you.
You haven't changed in 30 years!

Thank you. I guess we're both
going to the wedding,

- aren't we?
- Yeah.

Are you here with your husband?
What's his name?

- Larry?
- No. Barry.

No, no. Barry passed away
four years ago.

OSCAR:
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

You had two little daughters,
didn't you?

Now, two little granddaughters.

Isn't that something.

What? Oh!
This is my friend, Felix Ungar.

This is Felice,
sister of my ex-wife.

Yes. How do you do?

- Felix Ungar?
- FELIX: Yeah.

[CHUCKLES] I remember Blanche
talking about you a lot.

Oh, well,
I've changed since then.

Haven't we all.

- [INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT]
- They are boarding.

I'll see you on the plane.

Uh-huh.

Oscar,

- we have to talk.
- About what?

On the plane.

- Have a good flight.
- Thank you, you too.

Thank you.

Okay.
You want to talk, talk.

Wait till the seat belt sign
is off.

You can't talk
with your seat belt on?

What's that, a new federal law?

When it's on, it can get bumpy.

I don't want anything
interrupting what I'll say.

[LOUD SIGH]

[BEEP]

Okay, it's safe, we're bumpless.
What have you got to say?

- That's her. That's the woman.
- What woman?

The "somewhere,
some place in this world,

there is the right woman
for me" woman.

- Felice?
- Mm-hmm. Even the name is right.

Felice-Felix.

The first three letters
are identical.

We're matched.
I mean, it's like an omen.

I'm telling you, Oscar,
this is the one.

It's wonderful. Who's gonna
tell her you're the one?

Me. I'll tell her.

With the "somewhere, some place
in this world" speech?

Give me some credit, will you?

I've done this 10 or 12 times
already, you know.

You just need to help me
to figure out a reason

why I should get up
and go sit next to her.

How about... I don't know.
How about your seat is broken?

No 'cause I'm a bad liar.
She'll know I'm lying.

- How about if I break your seat?
- Oh, wait, no.

Forget it. Wish me luck.

Are you going to tell me
what the plan is?

Just watch me, baby.
Excuse me, move your legs.

- Good day for flying, isn't it?
- Yes, perfect weather.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Some plan.

[GRUNTS]

If you, you chicken-hearted,
gutless wimp,

if you don't go back
and sit next to that woman,

you and I are through!

Do you hear?

Oh!

[INAUDIBLE]

Had a nice chat, old buddy,
pal, dear close friend of mine?

Will you relax.
I just set it all up for you.

- Go on back there and sit down.
- What did you say to her?

I told her
you were writing an article

for The New York Times

about widowed women
and womanless men,

and that you would like
to ask her a few questions.

- She said, "Absolutely!"
- Why did you tell her that for?

'Cause it's better than you
going in to the john

and banging on the walls again.

Are you going,

or do I have to get
a food trolley

and wheel you over there?

- I'm going. I'm going.
- Good.

- May I?
- Please do.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, first I must explain
about this article I'm writing.

What article?

The one Oscar told you
I was writing

- for The New York Times.
- He never told me that.

He never tol...

What was he saying to you?

That you wanted to meet me

and couldn't think of a reason
to sit down next to me.

Oh, my...

I said, "Tell him to come over,
I'd like to meet him as well."

Oh. All right.

PILOT: Ladies and gentlemen,
we should be arriving

at Rockport's Barbra Streisand
Airport in about 20 minutes.

How long has your late husband
been deceased?

Almost four years now.

He was playing tennis.
Had a heart attack and was gone.

My last wife
went very quickly, too.

We seem to have a lot in common,
don't we, Felix?

I just realized, we practically
have the same name.

Felix-Felice, same first
three letters. [CHUCKLES]

- Did that occur to you?
- No.

- But now that you mention it.
- [FELICE CHUCKLES]

And the both of you
don't wear glasses.

That's uncanny.

Ah, here we are.
We are here.

I swear to you, this is it.
What a place!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- How far can he go?
- Oh! Oh, Oscar,

thank God you're here!

- Oh, what a mess.
- What is it, what's wrong?

I can't say it.
Blanche, you tell him.

It's Brucey. He's gone!

Gone. Gone where?

- He disappeared!
- We can't find him.

- He wasn't in his room.
- We looked everywhere.

- We even called the police.
- All right, all right.

Calm down, don't cry.

It's bad luck
to cry before a wedding.

No, it's only bad luck

if the groom isn't here
before the wedding.

- Didn't he leave a message?
- Nothing, not a clue!

He'll show up.
My kid never ducked anything.

- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
- See?

How is Hannah?
Can I see my daughter, please?

She's upstairs getting dressed.
I haven't told her yet.

What do you mean
"you haven't told her yet"?

Why the hell not?
What are you waiting for,

the fifth anniversary
of her being alone?

Don't yell at me!

I'm not yelling at you,
I'm yelling at the situation!

- God, you haven't changed
- OSCAR: Ahem.

- In 30 years, have you?!
- I don't believe this woman!

I haven't seen her
for a half century, 50 years

and she's still trying to finish
the last fight that we had!

All right! Everybody, please
stop behaving like children!

Oh! Oh!

We tried to put this wedding
together in three days

while you take a casual
joyride in getting here!

- "Casual"?
- "Casual joyride"?

Oh, it's always
the woman's fault, right? Right?

Blanche, will you please stop
pointing your finger at me

and yelling!

You got two other husbands here
to do that with.

Come on, Felix. I want
to talk to you about something.

BLANCHE: Oh, Frances! [SOBS]

How about that Frances?
I'd love to divorce her again!

What do you think
happened to Brucey?

I don't know.

What would you call me
out here for?

I thought maybe you
have an idea.

If I did, I'd have
called you out. What do we do?

Well, we wait and see.

Worst comes to worst,
we postpone the wedding.

What do you-- Postpone?

I'm not going to have my
daughter humiliated

in front of the world
because of your ditzy son!

Hey, watch what you say
about my son.

Maybe your Hannah
is the wacky one.

Hannah, wacky?
My Hannah, wacky?

Stop repeating that,
it sounds like a Hawaiian hotel.

One of them caused this.
I don't know which one.

And I'm saying that
if he breaks her heart,

that boy will have
to deal with me!

Are you threatening to get
physical with my son?

If that's what it takes, yes!

Get your nose off my nose

before I sneeze your brains
into a tiny Kleenex!

- That's it, Oscar! That's it!
- BLANCHE: They found him!

They found him!

- They found him, Oscar!
- OSCAR: They found him!

- A police chopper spotted him.
- Where? Where?

- I... Uh, uh...
- Where, for God's sakes?

Do you need assistance?

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION]

That one,
at the end of the hall.

He's not going anywhere.

All right! Everybody,
please, please back off!

He's not on the roof
because he's anxious

to speak to everyone.
I'll go alone.

How will we know
what's going on?

I'll tell him to talk loud.

Oh, Brucey, hi!

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Hiya, Pop.

I hope you don't think
I'm meddling,

but were you planning on coming
to the wedding today?

- I was thinking about it.
- You're nervous, huh?

I was thinking
I'd be making a big mistake.

Oh, yeah? Why is that?

I don't trust marriage.

[STAMMERING]
If you look at everyone here.

I mean, look at my own family.

Mom was married three times.
You were married one time,

and then never again
for 30 years.

Hers were too many,
yours not enough.

So tell me what's wrong with it,
that frightens everyone so much?

I don't know.
It's like baseball.

Either you can play
or you can't play.

Your mother could play,
I couldn't play.

Trouble with her is she kept
getting traded all the time.

That's not the answer
I was looking for.

Why did you wait so long
to ask the question?

[STAMMERING] Because it's
what I thought I wanted.

Now I know that
it's not what I want.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Then get out of it.

Don't do it, Brucey.

You mean it?

Let me go
and talk to the others.

I'll figure something
out to say.

Pop...

Dad...

the thing is... [SIGHS]

- ...I really love her.
- Sure you love her, now.

You'll have two years
of excitement

- and 45 years of hell.
- No.

Trust me, Brucey.

I will always love her. She...

She is the best thing
that has ever happened to me.

Would you be willing
to gamble your life on that?

I know I haven't been there
enough for you, Brucey.

But this is the best advice
I'll ever give you.

Not getting married today is
the right thing for you to do!

Maybe it's right for you.
It's wrong for me, okay?

You go tell everybody
I'm getting dressed.

Thank God you said that.

I didn't know how long I could
keep on talking like an asshole.

- Thanks, Pop.
- [CHUCKLES]

Hey, see you downstairs.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Go away, we're not ready yet!

FELIX: Not even
for your old man?

Dad?

- Maria, let him in.
- [MARIA SPEAKING SPANISH]

- MARIA:...oh, hello.
- [FELIX CHUCKLES]

I come back soon.

But you smudge her dress,
and I kill you, okay?

Dear God, I've just seen heaven
and it's in living color.

Do you like it?

- Can I hug you?
- Yes, you better!

Oh, I would have postponed
if you didn't make it.

- [SIGHS] Have you seen Bruce?
- Yeah.

- Isn't he terrific?
- Oh, boy.

So, was it a terrible trip?

If you'd asked me
that four hours ago,

I would've said "the pits."

But something happened
on the plane

and everything's
coming up roses.

- You've met someone.
- Yeah.

- I'll tell you later.
- No, say.

I don't want to keep you.

As a matter of fact, I can't
keep you any longer, can I?

- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- I will get it.

I hope you don't mind my giving
you away dressed like this.

You look great to me.

[GRUNTS] Mr. Ungar,
this just came for you.

Oh! Thank you.

On second thought,
maybe I'll spiff it up a little,

- huh?
- Okay.

He's very sweet.

He's my daddy.

And with the power vested in me
by the state of California,

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

WOMAN: Aw!
- [APPLAUSE]

Isn't this terrific?

Ha-ha!

- Oh, Pop.
- Hey, Brucey.

Baby! What a putzie!

Dad.

Don't cry.

- Hey.
- OSCAR: Sweetheart.

Good luck to you.
Take care of my boy, will you?

- I promise.
- OSCAR: He needs lots of cereal

- in the morning.
- [ALL CHUCKLING]

- Congratulations, Blanche.
- Aw.

[FRANCES GASPS]

[LOUD SNEEZE]

Are you still allergic
to my perfume?

No, no, no, no, no.
No, that's gone.

It triggered an old memory
in my sinuses.

Excuse me.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Isn't she incredible, Pop?

Yeah, she's very beautiful.

Listen, Brucey...

I want you to take these
for you and Hannah.

No, Pop,
I know you're strapped for cash.

Just the gesture,
that's enough for Hannah and me.

What I have here is not cash.
Please, take it.

Baseball cards! You knew
I always used to save these.

Not those.
I've had these

since before you were born.
These are first editions.

Mickey Mantle
in his rookie year.

George Herman Ruth,
sometimes known as Babe Ruth.

Today that's worth $22,000.

No, no way, Pop.
I can't take these.

Come on. Hold them
until your kids are 18.

Maybe it will buy him
a week or two in college.

- You're the greatest, Pop.
- Thank you.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Well, I'm getting tired.
Come on, walk me in.

No chance of you
moving out here?

To where, Santa Yocinta,
Malinta, Caliente, Maliguena?

I'm not gonna learn
a new language

just to find my way home
at night.

♪ I don't get around much
Anymore ♪

Boy, it feels good to be
in clean pajamas again, huh?

My God, was that a wedding?
[CHUCKLES]

I am so glad that the kids
loved the silver tray.

You know something, Oscar,
you never told me

what you gave them. Not that
it's any of my damn business.

- Huh?
- Felix, tomorrow night

- I'll be sleeping in my own bed.
- Yeah.

It's not a great bed,
but I love it

because it never talks
during the night.

Oh, I'm sorry, Os, I, uh...
It's just, you know...

It may be another 17 years
before we see each other again.

That's a date.

- Let me tell you--
- Felix, please!

We got to be on that airport bus
at 9:00 a.m.

- I got to get some sleep.
- No.

I forgot to tell you, no bus.

Leece has hired a limo
to take us to the airport.

- Who's Leece?
- Felice.

I started calling her Leece
and she likes it.

Does she call you Lix?

Oh, another thing.
I'm not going back to New York.

I'm going to spend some time
up in San Fran.

- San Fran?
- Yeah.

Lix and Leece in San Fran?
What the hell is going on?

Who knows?
I may spend just a few days

or the rest of my life.
We really hit it off tonight.

Yeah, I've heard you
say that before.

But this may be the last time
you hear me say it.

I hope so. I really do.
Boy, am I exhausted.

OSCAR: GN.

- FELIX: "GN"?
- OSCAR: Good night.

Gate 46. Where is that?

It's down at that end.
We're at the other end.

Oh.

Felix, I'll change your ticket,

give you and Oscar
a chance to say goodbye.

You will?
Oh, yeah, okay.

Bye, Oscar.
Have a wonderful flight.

You too, Leece.

I'll be right there.

- She's very nice.
- Yeah. Yeah. Hey! [CHUCKLES]

She looks like
she's got a lot of dogs.

You're gonna be walking
a lot of dogs, Felix.

You think I'm making a mistake?

I don't give that kind of advice
twice on the same weekend.

You know,
this could be my last chance.

I mean, I really
want to give it a good try.

- I wish you the best, Felix.
- You do?

Of course, my best
doesn't always mean much.

It does to me, Oscar.

Okay, Felix.
Felix, that's enough.

Stop it, she's going to think
we have something going.

FELIX: Here we go.

Who gets the bagel
with the tofu cream cheese?

- That's mine.
- Millie.

- Here we go.
- Thank you, darling.

You're welcome.
And I...

have here a soy bean
facsimile corned beef sandwich.

That's me. Thanks.

Are you in this game, Oscar?

Can a duck swim?
For 20 cents, I'm in.

You didn't look at your cards.

At these prices
I'll take the plunge.

This cheesecake
is hard as a rock!

That's the wax model
they keep in the window.

If you like the way it looks,
I'll order it.

Tell us about the wedding.
What did they serve?

- Veal Alphonso.
- How did they make that?

A guy, name of Alphonso
comes in early...

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Oh, I'll get it.

- That's the pizza I ordered.
- For tonight?

No, from before the wedding.
I forgot to cancel it.

Coming!

Hi, Os.

[STAMMERING]
I was in the neighborhood

so I thought I'd drop in.

What a surprise.
Is Felice with you?

No, it didn't work out.

That woman left her clothes
lying all over the floor.

She was always
running out of towels,

and bobby pins in the bed!

Now, come on.
I could not hack that.

- Am I disturbing you?
- No, come on in, Felix.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Girls, this is the father
of the bride,

my friend, Felix Ungar.

These are my poker
playing buddies, Felix.

Hi. I hope I'm not
interrupting the game.

No, my goodness, not at all.

It's a distinct pleasure
to meet you.

I can't see him.
Is he cute?

Oh, uh, girls, would you
excuse us for a minute?

I have to speak to Felix.

Please excuse us. Felix,
can I have a word with you?

Can you believe it,
we'll never play.

Felix...

what's with the suitcases?

Oh. I gave up my apartment
in New York.

To live in Sarasota?

They have hospitals
in Sarasota, too, you know.

Are you planning to move
in with me again, Felix?

Because, you know, it didn't
work out the last time.

No, no. This is just
until I find my own place.

'Course we could actually save
a lot of money

by splitting expenses.

Nothing has changed, Felix.
I'm still a pig,

you're still a human
vacuum cleaner.

I know. So if you don't think
it will work, just say no.

No.

Okay.

So, I'll go.

I didn't say "go," I said "no."

All right. We'll give it a try
for a few weeks.

But the minute you start
matching up my socks,

- we call it quits.
- It's a deal.

Now you go on,
go back to your game.

I'm just going to hang up
a few things.

He looks so sweet.

If he's looking, I've got
a spare bedroom I don't use.

Ladies, it's possible
that in five weeks

you'll all be moving
out of Sarasota, Florida.

Whose bet is it?

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION]

Don't mind me, folks,
I was just...

Oh, excuse me.

- Is this yours?
- Thank you.

That's all right.

Boy, that sandwich
is looking a little limp.

I can re-toast that for you
in a second.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

- ABE: Huh!
- FELIX: I wouldn't mind.

- No problem at all.
- Thank you.

This is the biggest,
goddamned-est

déjà vu anybody has ever had!
.

Can we play cards here, please,
for crying out loud!

[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]