The Nutty Professor (1996) - full transcript

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Let's sweat!

Come on!

That's right!
Shake it, honey! Shake it!

Oh, yeah! Like a pony!
I'm a pony! I'm a pony!

Don't you feel like a pony? Don't you
feel like a pony when you sweat?

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

GO! DO if!

Come on! Here we go!

(MUSIC CONTINUES) One! Two!
This is my favorite exercise!

Come on! Five!



Whoa!

Macho! Macho! Oh!

I'm a pony! I'm a pony! Yeah!
(ELECTRONIC SNORTING)

Come on, let's go!
Do it! Come on!

(MUSIC CONTINUES) I'm vogueing!
You can vogue!

Can you feel it?

Oh!

I'm gonna have an aneurysm.

Oh!

My calves are burning!

This is our
science department.

The genetics wing.

I'll remind you we are
in the vanguard of research.

(CHUCKLES)



(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Oh, my God!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Get Klump in here now!

BOY 1: Professor Klump.
Good morning.

GIRL 1: Hey, Professor!

Good morning.

BOY 2: Morning.
Morning.

Morning. GIRL 2: Good
morning, Professor Klump.

How are you?

Morning.

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(BLOWER ENGINE STARTS)

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my goodness.

Professor Klump. The cages.
What happened?

That is the most
peculiar thing, Jason,

because I distinctly remember
locking up last night.

I locked these cages,

and I picked up my portfolio
and turned around...

(STUDENTS GASPING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

Oh.

I must've grazed the switch.

Shelley's the only
one that didn't get out.

Good. I'll go tend to Shelley.

You students take
care of this. Excuse me.

Hello,Shelley. How are you
today, my little powder puff?

Yeah. Yeah.

(MURMURING BABY TALK)

Sir?

You may want to take a look
at the latest test results.

I'm not sure if I'm
reading them correctly.

Three ounces? She's lost three
ounces since the last feed?

Must be some kind of mistake.

(KEYBOARD KEYS CLICKING)

No, no, no, Jason.

Her entire molecular structure
has been realigned.

We've done it.
This new formula's working.

It's actually
reconstructed Shelley's DNA.

My God. She lost 20% of her
body fat in one feeding.

What if we upped
the dosage?

No,no,no,
one step at a time, Jason.

We don't want to
jeopardize Shelley.

We'll keep
the feedings as scheduled.

Okay.

Schedule.
Excuse me. I'm very late.

Come on, students,
we got a lot of work to do

and don't have that
much time to do it in.

Trying to win a grant here. So, as
Arsenio used to say, "Let's get busy!"

(SWITCH ES LEVER)

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

(RUSTLING AND SQUEAKING)

(CLEARS THROAT)
(GRUNTS)

(EXHALES SLOWLY)

Comfy?

Quite.

Anything I can get for you?
Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?

No, sir, I'm fine.

(SNIFFS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

You did want to see me about
something, didn't you, sir'?

Well, Professor Klump,

allow me to answer that
question by posing another.

Why are you trying
to destroy my school?

Beg your pardon, sir?

Do you know who
Louise Vindovik is?

Oh, surely, sir.

She's a lovely woman who so
generously donates money

to help us fund our
science department.

Ooh. Close.
Very close, but wrong.

See, she was
a lovely woman,

and she used to fund
our science department.

That was before
she was hospitalized

for nearly
swallowing a gerbil.

Not gerbil, sir.
A hamster.

Gerbils are more streamlined and
hamsters have a tendency to be fluffier.

And the male hamster's scrotum has a
tendency to be disproportionately...

Never mind.

Those National Rifle people are right.
If I had one now... Bang.

You know, sir, I'd like to
concentrate on the positives.

Actually, what Miss Vindovik
witnessed was 5,000 healthy hamsters

bred from a genetically
deficient hereditary line.

It's actually
very exciting.

Do I look excited, Klump?

No, no, you don't. You
don't look excited at all.

But maybe you might be holding
it all in, your excitement,

not wanting to express it.

Now listen to me carefully,
you fat tub of goo.

For years, you've single-handedly
alienated every wealthy donor we've had.

Air-conditioning
schools are outdrawing us!

We've lost so much money,
red is our school color.

Inner-city schools have
better computers than we do.

Bosnia wants to
give us money!

Now, I'm going to set up a
meeting with Harlan Hartley...

Klump!
Are you listening to me?

Yes, sir. Yes.

Hartley is the last rich alumnus we've got.
And he's a science fan.

And he's considering donating a
$10 million grant to this school.

And I want
that money, Klump.

Your job depends upon it.

I'll let you know
how to handle it

since I'll be watching you.
Now, go.

But, sir, I don't
know if you should...

Now you see,
right back there,

just before you said,
"But, sir" right there?

That was the end
of the meeting.

Well, I guess I'll leave.

You have a pleasant day.

Grace, the cream has
turned again.

(GASPS)

PROFESSOR: Of all the
equations that you'll learn

during the course
of your studies here,

this equation shall be,
I promise you,

the most helpful throughout
the course of your studies,

because this equation
fundamentally breaks down

what DNA is composed of

and what components of DNA...

(GIGGLING CONTINUES)

(LOUDER LAUGHTER)

I seem to have
messed myself.

I mean, I haven't really messed myself.
I mean, I messed my shirt up.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

But make sure you read chapter four
in your textbooks on genetics.

Gonna be a pop quiz
on Wednesday.

There's a pop quiz.
Pop quiz.

WOMAN: Professor Klump?

(MUMBLING) Hello.

Hi. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt. I was
looking for Professor Klump.

(SPITTING)

I'm him. I'm he.

I'm Sherman Klump.

(GUM BALLS SCATTERING)

Never mind.
I do that all the time.

Makes the table look more
festive, and the kids enjoy it.

The yellow and green and
purple rolling around.

The table's more
colorful and...

Would another time
be better?

I could always...
No, no, don't be ridiculous.

I'm between classes,
and I got a minute to chat.

(GUM BALLS SCATTERING)

How can I help you?

Hi. I'm Carla Purty.

Hello, Miss Purty.

Hi. I'm a grad student.

I'm teaching my first intro
chemistry class across the hall.

Okay. Mmm-hmm.

I just had to come over here
and introduce myself,

because I've followed
your work for many years,

and I'm a big fan.

Well, thank you very much.
I'm fatter...

Flattered that you've been following
my work the way you have.

A chemistry teacher.

Chemistry sure is important to have,
chemistry, to have and use it.

Chemically... Chemistry.

Well...
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Professor Klump, it's been more
than a pleasure meeting you.

Oh, the pleasure was
all mine, Miss Purty.

And hope to see you around.

Well, you can't miss me.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, have a good day.

You do the same, Miss Purty.

Mmm-mmm.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Now, that's fine. She's fine.

(GUM BALLS SCATTERING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, this is so fabulous.

Ain't nothing
like getting together

with family and
having a good meal.

Cletus, take this bowl.
It's hot.

lam hungry.

PAPA: Goddamn, Sherman, it's almost
like we don't see your ass no more.

Good to see you, Son.
Yeah, Sherman.

You think you too good
to spend a little time

with your family
every now and then?

I've been real busy
with my research, Ernie.

I don't want no potatoes.

You know mashed
potatoes give me gas.

You know, in my day, Sherman, people
used to spend time with they family

on Sundays and
special occasions.

Come around and
pay their respects.

You mess around and miss all
little Ernie's golden years,

magic golden years, and you're
gonna be mad at yourself.

That's your nephew.
(BELCHES)

Baby's got a little gas.

(COUGHING)

Here she go. Y'all
better cover your plates.

Now, Grandma...
Just need a peppermint.

Mama, have some water.

(MUTTERING) Grandma,
you spit on me.

What you talking about,
covering your plates?

Not tonight, Cletus.
I'll kick your ass.

Sherman, I cooked all this food.
ls that all you gonna eat?

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, what's wrong with you?

You supposed to eat that,
not scalp it.

Well, Daddy, all
the calories in the chicken

are found in
the skin and in the fat.

Man, what you talking about? That's
where all the fats and calories is?

You know where that come from?
Watching that damn TV.

Every time you turn it on,
they got somebody

there talking
about lose weight,

get healthy, get in shape.

Everybody looking all anorexic,
talking about that's healthy.

I know what healthy is.
I'll tell you something else.

And I don't know
why everybody trying

to lose weight in
the first place!

Ain't everybody supposed
to be the same size.

We're supposed
to be all different.

Big, small, medium, midgets. You
supposed to have all of that.

I don't know what did it.

Everybody wants to be the same
size, like that Oprah Winfrey.

She gonna lose her weight.

Wasn't nothing wrong with her.
She was fine. Oprah was a fox!

She lose all that weight, her head
look all big, skin hanging all over.

And Luther Vandross. Nigger
used to be the black Pavarotti.

Lost all that weight,
looking all ashy.

Oprah and Luther
need to keep their ass

one weight,
'cause I'm confused.

Yes, I hope nothing's wrong with Oprah.
She doesn't look well.

Ain't nothing
wrong with Oprah.

I seen Oprah on
Hard Copy last week.

Was the picture of health.

Got her a tall, young, strong
gentleman named Stedman.

So handsome.

(SINGING) Amazing grace

She's my favorite
out of all of them.

Jenny Jones, Marilyn Kagan, Maury Povich.
(SINGING CONTINUES)

Letterman, Leno.

Montel, Ricki Lake.

I like Geraldo.

Mike Douglas.
Oh, Mike Douglas.

You know, Mike Douglas used to make
me moist when I'd watch his show.

I admit it. I would get moist
when I watched his show.

Only white man ever did that
to me was Mike Douglas.

I would like to volunteer to take
this old bird out of her misery.

Cletus! Don't you dare say
something like that about Mama.

GRANDMA: No, no, hold it.

You ain't gotta protect me from Cletus.
Come on, Cletus. Come on.

Come on over here. Come on. It ain't
but a short walk. Come on over.

You gonna limp back. You'll walk
over, but you're limping back.

But don't let the gray hair fool you.
I ain't no easy win, nigger.

You know what your problem is, you
don't work out. Gotta exercise.

Look at me.
That's all muscle.

Oh.
ERNIE: You fat. I'm muscle.

Oh, look at my little...
He's a little Hercules.

Show me your muscles again. Oh,
Hercules, Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!

Once you work out, your
metabolism starts to speed up,

you can eat
anything you want.

Go on,
knock yourself out.

He's so strong.
Recent studies have shown

that certain people are genetically
predisposed to gaining weight.

Someday in the near future,
we might even find a cure.

Only thing you need
to study is your ass.

I got a big ass. Your mama
got a big ass. Cletus!

You do have a big ass. Don't tell me
nothing. Asses is big in our family.

So you need to
get used to that.

And I don't care
what diet you go on.

You can sew up your stomach and your
asshole, you gonna always be fat.

Daddy, all I'm trying to say is
that scientific breakthroughs

are occurring
all the time...

The only thing about to
break through is your ass

about to break through
the seat of your pants.

Sherman, I think
I do remember hearing

something on TV
about colon cleansing.

They say everyone
should have one.

I'm thinking about getting me
an appointment,

and going down and getting my
colon cleansed thoroughly.

You want your colon cleansed?
Fine, I'm gonna clean mine.

(LOUD FART)

There. Now my colon is clean.
I'm talking squeaky clean.

Every time we have a meal, you break gas.
Don't break gas and destroy our meal.

Don't tell me to stop.

You the one that brought up colon
cleansing and all that mess.

I did not say
anything about breaking gas!

I said that I was
gonna get my colon cleaned.

You can talk about putting
a tube in somebody's ass,

but I can't break wind.

I didn't say nothing about putting
a hose up nobody's ass...

What you think
a colonic is?

You think you run your asshole
by the car wash?

You're choking the baby.

As long as I pay the bills, I
do what I want at this table.

Case in point.

(LOUD FART)

Who that called my name?

Yeah, I called you
if your name is...

(LOUD FART)

Keep insulting me.

I'll toss this between
the crack of your ass.

Yeah, you know
I can go all night.

(LOUD FART)

I hope you fart till
your asshole falls out.

(CONTINUES FARTING)

(LAUGHING WILDLY)

(LOUD FART)

Oh, my baby too!

(LOUD FART)

Now see what you made me do? God
damn it, I messed up my pants.

Damn, Daddy. You got to
clean them yourself!

You rotten.

(ERNIE JR. CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Oh, Lord, this has been a fabulous,
wonderful, fabulous evening.

Look. Them dogs done
tore up my garbage.

Cletus, the dogs ripped
the garbage open again!

PAPA: Shoot the damn dog!

I'm not shooting no dog!

I'm trying to
watch Roseanne!

Thanks for dinner, Mama.

Sherman,
what's wrong with you?

Baby, you still worried about
what your father said in there?

Oh, Son, listen to me.

You are special.

When the good Lord made you, he
made you beautiful inside and out.

You can do anything,
Sherman.

All you got to do is believe in
yourself, and you can do anything.

(CHUCKLING)

You're so handsome.

Give me some sugar.

Love you, Mama.
Love you, too, baby.

Nighty-night. Oh, my baby.

Sherman, Sherman,
Sherman.

Fabulous.

Cletus, come clean
this garbage up!

I'm watching TV!

GRANDMA:
Get your lazy ass up.

Why don't you mind
your own damn business?

GRANDMA: You lazy mother...

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Professor?

Oh. Hi, Miss Purty.

You caught me in
the middle of

a little step aerobics
I was doing out here.

Ninety-eight,
ninety-nine, one hundred.

I looked your address up
in the faculty directory.

I hope you don't mind.
No, not at all.

What can I do for you?

Oh, well, I was...

(SIGHS)

I was...

I was wondering
if one night, if

when you weren't busy...

You might get a little hungry,
you might want to, you know...

If you planned on going out
to get something anyway,

on an occasion like that, you
don't wanna do that alone, so...

Professor, are you
asking me out on a date?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I'd love to.

Really?
Yes.

That's fantastic!

We can go any place you wanna go.
Just name it. We'll go there.

There's a place that my students
go to called The Scream.

The Scream?
I mean, if that's too...

Oh, no, no, no.
I love to scream.

Whoa!

(DOG HOWLING)

Screaming's good for you.
Cleans the epiglottis.

Get all the phlegm and mucus down.
That's disgusting.

Just tell me what
night and we'll go there.

How's Friday?

Friday night's perfect. That's the
best night of the week for me.

So Friday night at 8:00.

Friday night at 8:00.

Great. Then I'll see you Friday night.
Then we'll go to The Scream.

It'll be a scream
at The Scream.

All right, Professor,
I'll see you then.

All right.
Good night, Miss Purty.

Good night.

Yes!

(MUTTERING) Yeah,
Friday night at The Scream.

(CONTINUES MUTTERING)
Gonna scream.

Friday night. Friday, Friday,
Friday, Friday night.

Friday, Friday, Friday.

(WHISTLING)

(SINGING)
I got myself a date

Friday night at 8:00

And I will not be late

She might be my mate

That would be so great

Great, great, great
Great, great, great

And I can hardly wait

Lilo, Peabo, Lou Rawls,
Teddy Pendergrass. Teddy P.

Number six! Yeah!

(MID-TEMPO BALLAD PLAYING)

(SINGING ALONG)
Close the door

Let me give you what
you been waiting for

Baby,
I got so much love to give

Don't hurt them, Teddy P!

And I wanna give it
all to you

I waited all day long

Just to hold you in my arms

And it's exactly like
I thought it would be

Me loving you
and you loving me

Oh, you know you gotta, gotta,
gotta close the door

(BANGING) MAN: Shut the hell
up up there, God damn it!

Sorry about that
down there, Mr. Wilson!

Teddy P turned
up a little loud.

Hey! Quiet down up there!

There is a thin person inside
each and every one of us!

So just give yourselves
a big hug and say,

"Yes, I can!"
Do that for me, people.

Thighmaster Plus is designed to
give you better results quicker.

I lost 10 pounds in two weeks.
Thanks, Megashake.

(LUSH ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON TV)

(PANTING)

(BOTH MOANING)

(CARLA SCREAMING)

LANCE: (ON TV) You're not pathetic!
People, pounds do not lose themselves!

You have to work, work, work!
Everybody, up! Come on! Get up!

You too at home!
Everybody up and say,

LANCE AND AUDIENCE:
"Yes, I can!"

LANCE: Say it again.
Yes, I can.

(STOMPING) PROFESSOR AND AUDIENCE:
Yes, I can! Yes, I can! Yes...

MR. WILSON:
Quiet down, God damn it!

Sorry, Mr. Wilson.

Klump, shut up!
I can!

(UP-TEMPO POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Still hungry?

(BREATHING SHARPLY)

(STRANGULATED) Help.

Still hungry?

Maybe you should
try Jenny Craig.

One hand on you!
One hand on you!

GROUP: Whoo!

(GRUNTS) Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

(CONTINUES GRUNTING)

(UP-TEMPO R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on, come on.
Right there.

Oh, excuse me. Hey!

Professor K, how's it going?
I'm good, David.

What are you
doing here?

Got a date.

You have a date?
Good luck, Professor.

Yeah, see you
next week now.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me.
Sorry about that.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me.

(GASPING)

Sorry about that.
Excuse me.

Sorry about that. Excuse me.
Excuse me! Excuse me.

Thank you.

Wow, these are
great seats, Professor.

Oh, yeah. Listen,
don't call me Professor.

Call me Sherman,
all right? Sherman.

Well, I'm glad we
did this, Sherman.

So am l.

So am I!

Here's the menu.

(SINGING SMOOTH R&B SONG)

CARLA: So, you actually
altered her genes? Yes, yes.

And if I hadn't done it, Shelley would
be in hamster heaven right now.

Sherman,
you are absolutely amazing.

Well, we do
what we can, you know?

Got to keep on trying.
Got to keep on pushing.

Let's go. Let's go.

MAN: Montell Jordan!

They were wonderful.

All right, all right.
Let's keep this show rolling.

Ladies and gentlemen...
He was good.

...you've seen him on Def
Comedy Jam many times.

Y'all give it up for my man,
Reggie Warrington!

Give it up!

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

(CHEERING)

He sure is animated.

What's up?

I said, "What's up?"

Hey!

Women be shopping, baby.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Women be shopping!

Damn! You can't stop a woman
from shopping, baby!

That's true. Women do shop.

It is true.

See what we got in
here tonight. Oh, my God!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

She's unbe-weave-able.
Look at this.

Look like a hair
full of curly fries.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, look at this white dude right here.
Look at the white dude.

What is a weave exactly? Huh?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, no.
No,no,no,no,no,no!

Baby,no! She got more
extensions than AT&T.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(APPLAUDING)

Excuse me. I'm gonna
go to the restroom.

Oh, boy, I'm hot! I'm hot!

Sorry about that, ma'am.
Let me pick that up for you.

(WHOOPS)

It's a full moon tonight!

(HOWLING)

I think I found where
they hid Jimmy Hoffa!

(LAUGHING) Excuse me.

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah, that's
a good one there.

Boy, you got more crack than Harlem.
Look at that!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Boy's so fat, every time he turns
around, it's his birthday!

Got to put his belt
on with a boomerang.

(IMITATING BOOMERANG)

Bang!

Yeah. Okay, all right, now.
That's it. You got me.

No, I ain't got you, yet.
Should I get him?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Should I get him?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Oh, look at this.
He's with a woman, too.

AUDIENCE: Aw!
Oh, no!

Who is sucking
whose titties over here?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING
UPROARIOUSLY)

Last time this brother felt a
breast, it was in a bucket of KFC.

Extra crispy!

Every time he goes to
SeaWorld, they pay him!

He must be on that
new diet, Slim Slow.

He go outside
with a red shirt on,

and all the kids in
the neighborhood say,

"Hey! Kool-Aid!"

Yeah, man, I bet I cut his fat ass
open, it'd bleed chocolate milk.

What would you do
for a Klondike bar?

Now we know what's eating
Gilbert Grape, don't we?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Thank you for dinner tonight, Sherman.
That was very sweet.

You're welcome.

Look, that comic tonight,
he was...

Sherman,
you are a brilliant man.

You have a pleasant evening.

Good night.

(KEYS JINGLING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

His fraternity was having
this thing called Pig Day.

That's the only
reason he asked me out.

To make fun of you? Why do
we do this to ourselves?

Every time we get depressed,
we eat and eat and eat.

Don't you? You go to the store and buy
those little candy bars in the bag,

and before you know it,
the whole bag is empty.

Then at the end, you feel just
like that bag. Empty inside.

(SOBBING)
Don't you? Don't you?

(WOMAN SOBBING)

It's okay. It's all right. It's okay.
Just get it all out.

(SOBBING CONTINUES)

Say, "Yes, I can."
Say that.

Yes, I can.

(SOBBING CONTINUES)

(SOBBING) Yes, we can.

(sesame)

Can we go to commercial?

I don't care
about how much time.

I want him prepped and ready immediately.
Yes, Doctor.

Call Dr. Matthews. I'm going to
need a lot of help on this one.

DOCTOR". Okay, people. Let's move it.
Let's go. You know the routine.

Get that crash
cart in here stat!

NURSE: Blood pressure,
140 over 90 and rising.

MAN: We need
that IV rig in now!

IV rig coming in.

Give me four cc:'s
of Ambethol.

I don't know how
much more he can take.

MAN: We need the EKG
cart in here now.

Blood pressure, 180 over 110
and still climbing.

What's the status?

He's getting fatter.
We can't stop it.

Damn! DOCTOR: Blood
pressure, 200 over Damn!)!

(ALARM BEEPING)
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.
He's gonna explode!

I'm getting out of here!

(WOMAN SCREAMS)
Nurse!

Wait! Wait!

(RUMBLING)

(THUNDERCLAP)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

What's going on?

(CROWD SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! Get out of here!
Get out of here!

Damn, everyone, run for the hills!
It's Fat-zilla!

Boy, he look like
King Kong with titties.

Sherman! I brought you some
nice fried chicken, Sherman.

Oh, you look fabulous!

(LAUGHING)

(GASPS)

(GLASS BREAKING)

(SCREAMS)

(PROFESSOR BURPING)

(BURPING CONTINUES)

(MOANING)

MAN: Oh, my God!

He's gonna blow!

(FARTING)

(SCREAMING)

Way to go. Son!
That's my boy!

No!

(PANTING)

Huh?

(BEEPING)

(KEYBOARD KEYS CLICKING)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING QUICKENS)

Shelley, you've been the
guinea pig long enough.

It's time to see if
this stuff really works.

(THUNDERCLAP)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

(GROANS)

(GROANING)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

I'm thin! I'm thin!
Look at my cheekbones!

I have cheekbones! Look at my cheekbones!
Yes! Look at my chest.

Look at my breasts.
I don't have breasts.

I'm an A cup. I don't
even need a bra anymore.

Oh, God, I'm thin!
I'm thin!

I'm thin! I'm thin,
I'm thin.

(SINGING) Nothing but air
there Nothing but air there

My ass is gone
Now I'm slim, slim, slim

Well, I'll be damned!
I can see my dick!

My dick!
My dick, my dick, my dick!

I can do stairs.
I can do stairs.

I am the stair master!

You looking for any kind
of clothes in particular?

Spandex! All Spandex!
Where's the Spandex section?

Spandex! Like this!

No titties. No titties.

No titties.

Not you, me. I'm talking about me.
My titties are gone.

Your titties are lovely.
What's your name?

I can't believe I'm so thin. I am thin.
You ever just feel thin?

lam thin! lam thin. Hey,
man, where's the apple pie?

Tootsie Roll!
Get your tootsie!

(GRUNTING)

(CONTINUES GRUNTING)

(SHOUTING) I'm thin! I'm thin!

Excuse me.

Hey!

Is Professor Klump here?

Professor Kl u m p?

Sherman, Sherman Klump.

No, he had to take care of
some things, Miss Purty.

So I'm running
this thing here.

Do I know you?

Do you know me?

(LAUGHS)

Sherman didn't
tell you about me?

No.

Oh, man!

Isn't that like Sherman
to hog all the credit?

I'm Sherman's confidante.

Well, have you
seen him today?

I was wondering if he was all right
after everything that happened

at the club the other night.

Miss Purty,
it tore his chunky ass up.

It's strange that a man as
intelligent as Sherman,

he has no
confidence whatsoever.

Makes me sick
sometimes to think...

And I'm always
telling the man,

"Sherman, no matter what,
you've got to strut.

"You got to suck in
your gut and strut."

Now, me, personally,
I don't have that problem.

Doesn't seem like you do.

You're just too feisty
and a little bit too fine.

I think me and
you need to hook up.

We need to go to The Scream
tonight, have a couple of drinks

and strut our
respective stuff together.

I don't even know
your name.

Hey, buddy,
what the hell happened here?

See? Everybody knows
Buddy. Buddy.

The professor must have got a
little carried away last night.

Officer Dagg,
I'm glad you came up.

Because he told me to tell you personally,
please thank your wife Claire

for bringing that
upside-down cake for him.

He ate every crumb of it.
Thank you so much.

And, Officer,
can you have someone

from janitorial clean up
this mess, please?

Thank you, Officer Dagg.
Thank you.

(DOOR OPENS)
Buddy.

Buddy? ls that it,
or do you have a last name?

(DOOR CLOSES)

Love.

Love?

You see, Miss Purty,

(IN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) there comes a
time in a man's life when he has to...

(CLEARS THROAT)

(COUGHS)

Miss Purty, people
have a tendency in life

(IN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) to always
want to rush into things.

(IN REGULAR VOICE) What I'm
trying to say, Miss Purty,

is that there's a right time
and place for everything.

Like I said, there's a right
time and place for everything.

(IN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) Tonight
would be a good time.

Let's get together
tonight at The Scream.

Tonight at The Scream would
be perfect to discuss it.

I'll see you tonight
at The Scream at 8:00.

Remember, don't be late!
Excuse me!

Uh-oh.

(CHATTERING)

Good morning.
Good morning, class.

Morning, students. Good morning!
Morning. Good morning.

You students just review
what we went over yesterday.

Professor,
we weren't here yesterday.

Well, then, review the day before,
and tomorrow we'll do today.

That's it.

(CLASS LAUGHING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Sherman!

Oh, Carla. How are you?

I've been looking for you all morning.
Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Why you
been looking for me?

I feel kind of bad what happened
at the club the other night.

It was my idea to
go to The Scream.

I've forgotten about that. You
forget about that, too. That's over.

You go have a nice day.

Look, there's something else. I met
a friend of yours in your lab.

Buddy Love.

Buddy Love.

He's quite
a character, huh?

He asked me out, and he
said it was your idea.

Oh, did he? Well, I know
you're new in town.

I thought it would be nice for a new
girl to get out, meet some people.

Did you find him
attractive?

Honestly, yes.

He's very handsome
and athletic.

But I don't feel comfortable
talking to you about that.

You can talk to me about absolutely
anything. I want you to.

And I think you should definitely
go out with Buddy Love.

You do?
Absolutely.

I don't think
there's anything wrong

with two young
people getting together,

and going out and having a good time.
So by all means, do just that.

You sure you're
all right with that?

Don't even worry about me.

I'm just fine.
In fact, I'll even put in

a good word
with you for Buddy.

Oh, my goodness. I'm so late. Excuse me.
I'll talk to Buddy.

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY)

Now you be careful. If there's
a scratch in the car,

there's a scratch
in your ass.

You are too fine to be
giving me curbside service.

I'm not. I'm leaving.

What you talking about leaving?
We just got here.

No, you just got here. I've been
waiting for you for almost an hour.

Hey, now, they say anticipation helps
make the appetite grow stronger,

if you know what I mean.

Anticipate a night alone.

Hey, hey.

Let's just have
a meal together.

Why you leaving? What,
you want me to beg you?

I'll get down on my knees. I'll beg
you in front of all these people.

Think I care if these
people are watching?

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I want the
world to know that I was late!

And I'm sorry!
My car ran out of gas.

I needed fresh drawers.
My mother's sick.

The car broke down,
down the street.

Buddy, get up.

I'm so sorry.
Hear me out. I am sorry!

I don't know why this
is happening tonight.

Of all nights, this has got
to happen to me tonight.

Why? Why?
Okay.

Okay!

Why?

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay. Good. Let's eat.

lam so hungry. Hey,don't
let the tears fool you.

I'm a tooth chipper.

Six T-bones,
five baked potatoes

and two servings
of creamed spinach.

I have never seen
anyone eat so much.

You are so lucky
to stay so thin.

Luck has
nothing to do with it.

It's a matter of
recombinant ribonucleic acids

unzipped by a radioactive
guanine peptide.

And what does that mean?

I don't know. I'm trying to
sound extra intelligent.

Got you!
You gonna eat that?

All right. Guess
who's back in the house.

All right. Guess
who's back in the house.

From Def Comedy Jam, my man,
Reggie Warrington.

Give it up!

(CHEERING)

I hate this guy. I hate this guy.
He is so obnoxious.

Give the nigger a chance.

It's your world, dog! I'm just a
squirrel trying to get a nut.

What's up?
What's UP, nigger?

I said, "What's up?"

Didn't you hear me
when I say, "Hey"?

Boy, women be shopping.
Women be shopping.

You cannot stop a woman
from shopping. Damn!

(LAUGHING)

Let's see what I got
in the house tonight.

Oh, now, look at this white guy right here.
Look at him.

You cannot tell me
he ain't got a small jimmie.

Man, it's so small he needs
tweezers to take a piss.

He needs tweezers
to take a piss!

Tweezers on his dick!

Reggie's hot tonight.

Look at this.
Look at this. Look at this.

I can't breathe!

Excuse me, brother.

(GASPING)
I can't breathe!

Okay.

Brother, man!

(WHEEZING)

You almost killed me, man!

I had to give
myself the Heimlich.

You mind waiting for the
punch line first, brother?

I'm sorry, man. It's
just that you're so funny.

You're so funny
the way you take a person's

personal defects
and flip it around.

Like you pick somebody in the room
and say, "Look at your foot,"

and everybody look at
it and start laughing.

That's some funny shit, man.
You're on your way!

You going to the top! You're the
next Lenny Bruce, man! Crazy!

Why, thank you. Thank you very much.
That's genius.

I'm glad you
appreciate Reggie's show.

That'd even work with me
doing it to you, Reggie.

Yes, it would. If I would say,
look at Reggie's gums and teeth.

Looks like his mother
had an affair with Mister Ed.

See? Everybody's laughing.

'Cause they can
visualize your mother

in a barn with Mister Ed,
talking about...

(NEIGHING LUSTILY)

Look what I'm doing, Wilbur.
Look at me!

You snapping on me?
Are you snapping on Reggie?

It's your teeth, Reggie.

I don't know whether to smile at
you or kick a field goal, man.

Hey, Reggie! It's good!

It's all good!

And, man, what's wrong with that breath?
I can smell it over here.

Reggie,
your breath is so stink,

people look
forward to your farts.

Breath smell like shit.
Do you smell shit?

I smell shit.

You done did it now, boy.

I wasn't gonna say nothing,
'cause I like black people.

But it's time to attack black. That's
right. Yeah! The glove's coming off.

Don't hurt me now!

Maybe it's time for Reggie
to lay into your mama.

(CROWD CHEERS)

Oh, yeah!

Maybe it's time for Reggie to talk
about your mama a little bit.

You're the man, Reggie!

Your mother's so fat,

she went to Sizzler's, and the
bitch got a group discount.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(GASPING)
Okay, fat jokes!

You want to do fat jokes?
All right.

Your mother's so fat,

the bitch need a Thomas Guide
to find her asshole!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

All right! Wait, wait, wait.
Your mother's so fat,

after sex I rolled over twice,
and I'm still on the bitch!

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Your mother is so fat, she fell in
the Grand Canyon and got stuck!

Reggie's mama's
so fat

that the bitch gets her toenails
painted at Earl Scheib!

Earl Scheib!

Earl Scheib!

Hey, hey, get off the stage, man.
You ain't in show business.

Reggie's mama is so fat,
her blood type is Rocky Road!

Isn't that something?

Reggie's mother is so fat,
her belt size is equator!

(HOOTING)

(CHEERING)

Get it? Equator?

(BUDDY LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Let's get a big round of
applause for Reggie's mama's ass

that brought us so
much joy tonight.

Yeah! That's a big ass.

Enough! Silence!

I can't take
this shit no more.

Now, you done talked
about me enough, boy!

I tried to be peaceful,
but now it's time

for Reggie to
karatasize your ass!

(WHOOPS)

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, Reggie, I heard of
dreadlocks, but shitlocks?

That's not your hair. Take that
pile of shit off your head.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You go too
far with the comedy, man.

Oh, oh! (KARATE YELL)
Come on! Come on.

What's that? Oh, yeah,
it's my style, boy.

You didn't know
Reggie studied.

Oh, what style is that?

This is called "Kick-Your-Ass
Style," boy. Oh, shit.

Reggie done studied on the streets.
Oh! Come on!

(KARATE YELL)

Oh! Oh!

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, you quick,
but I'm quicker.

Watch my feet.
Come on with it!

I'm gonna come on with it. I'm gonna
come on with it. I'm gonna...

(KARATE YELLS)
Hey!

REGGIE: Oh, damn!

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

Ladies and gentlemen,

me and Reggie
want to send one out

to a very special lady
in the house tonight.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(SINGING) Lovin' you is easy,
'cause you're beautiful

Do-un-do-un-doo-doo.
Reggie?

(BONES CRACK)

(HOWLING)

Let go.

That was pretty.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Reggie has left the building.

Thank you, and good night.

(CHEERING)

Oh, stop it! Stop it! Now,
thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you so... Oh, please,
please, come on now.

Hey, who pinched my ass? Cut it out.
That's good.

All right. Thank you.
Can you get the bill for me?

Thanks, man. Too much!

That was amazing.
I can't believe you did that.

Believe it, 'cause amazing
is my middle name.

I only wish Professor Klump
was here to have seen it.

Listen.

This is our moment. I don't wanna
ruin it with talks of Sherman.

You know, your eyes, there's
something very familiar about them,

as if I already know you.

You know, I feel the exact same
way about you, Miss Purty.

(BALLAD PLAYING
ON SOUND SYSTEM)

Miss Purty,
let me tell you.

(IN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) That kiss was probably
the most wonderful kiss I've ever...

(CLEARS THROAT)

What I meant to
say was that...

Your lip.
What?

Your lip is swollen.
My lip?

Yes.

On, my lip?

That happens every time I... What
kind of lipstick do you have on?

Chanel Oh, yeah, that
happens every time

I have Chanel lipstick on my lips.
An allergic reaction.

(RUMBLING)

It's giving me gas, too.
You have to go catch a cab.

I gotta go to the drugstore and
get some Benadryl and Kaopectate.

Excuse me, have a pleasant evening.
Bye,bye!

Buddy! Buddy, wait!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Oh, man.

Hey, Professor Klump is here?
Yeah.

Where is he?

There he is,
right there.

That guy gave you
this credit card?

Yup.

That's not Professor Klump.

That's not his credit card.
Hey! What?

Hey! Hey!

Okay, fella, what are you doing
with the Professor's credit card?

Where'd you get it?

Look, man.
I'm sorry. Perhaps you need

the money more
than I thought...

(JASON GROANS)

JASON: (SCREAMING) Oh, my God,
man, what the hell are you...

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! That's a bus!

You're gonna kill us, man!
What the hell is the matter...

Oh, man! This is
Freddy Krueger shit, man!

Professor?

Hello,Jason.

JASON: (SCREAMING)
What's happening?

(SIREN WAILING)

First time we had to use one
of these without an accident.

(PANTING)

The class left
20 minutes ago.

Dean Richmond!
Oh, hello, sir.

You caught me in the middle
of an experiment I was doing.

I was trying to see how the
students would respond

to a teacher-less
environment.

Teacher-less environment?
New field of research for you?

Yes, sir. Interesting.
Always thinking.

That's good, Klump.
Let me know your results.

By the way, would you
mind explaining this?

Oh! Yeah, well,
my car's in the shop, so...

So you put a $47,000 luxury
car on your faculty account?

Initially, I requested a Yugo,
and this is all they had...

If it's all they had,
it's all they had.

After all, men like us can't
walk around now, can we?

(CHUCKLING) Come on.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, well, well. I'm glad you're
taking it like that, sir.

I thought you was
gonna get angry,

and thought you were
gonna start screaming

and hollering,
and maybe even fire me.

(LAUGHING) Whoo! Oh,
Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.

In the end, we know so
little of each other.

No, my friend,
I've got bigger fish to fry.

I spoke to Harlan Hartley.
You remember him.

He's offering that tiny trinket that
could save your entire research program.

Oh, yes.
Absolutely, yes, yes.

I set up a meeting
with him.

He wants to hear your grant
proposal personally.

Friday, the Ritz,
dinner, 8:00 sharp.

Well, sir, I think that's a
wonderful idea, sir. Absolutely.

And I promise you,
I will not let you down.

You won't.
I know you won't.

I know you're going to be there,
and you're going to be great.

In fact, I know
you're going to be perfect.

(LAUGHING)

Do you know howl
know all these things?

How's that?

I know them because
if you're not perfect,

never mind the yelling and the
screaming and the firing.

If anything goes wrong for any
reason, I'm going to kill you.

I don't mean
that as a euphemism.

I'm going to
literally kill you.

I'm going to strangle you
and choke off your air supply

until you pass away.

(EXCLAIMS) Okay.

Till Friday, then.

It's a date.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Sir, this is incredible.

It's a complete
metabolic transformation.

How did it happen?
Was it an accident?

No, I did it
to myself, Jason.

You did? Why?

If it was for the grant, the data with
Shelley was already so compelling.

Well, I have compelling
reasons of my own, Jason.

I have a case of infatuation
of sorts with Miss Purty.

Professor, if you feel this way about
Carla, why don't you just tell her?

It'd be a lot simpler
than transforming into...

This guy's testosterone levels
are right off the charts.

He was mean last night.
It was so unlike you.

You know, I did feel that.

Sir, you can't
control him.

Jason, you have no idea what it
feels like to be Buddy Love.

It's indescribable.
It's just wonderful!

The way people talk to him and treat
him, and the way she looks at him.

But he's dangerous. He
almost killed us last night.

I mean, we should
be concentrating on

getting the grant
proposal to Harlan Hartley.

This is nuts!

I guess you're right, Jason. I never
have behaved like this before.

But on the other hand,

I've never been
in love before.

Even

Afternoon, Carla.

Hi, Sherman.

How are you doing today?

Pretty good.

Come over to see how things
were going with you and Buddy.

I wish I knew.

We went out last night. It was great.
We had such a wonderful time.

And then all of a sudden,
he runs out of the club.

He has some
allergic reaction.

And I don't even
know if he's all right.

He's fine. I spoke
to him this morning.

He told me that his
lip swelled up,

he put a little ice on it
and the swelling came down.

Kind of strange, huh?

Well, did he even
ask about me?

Did he say why
he didn't call me

and let me know
he was all right?

Carla, Buddy's kind of
unreliable.

He's kind of what you call a "here
today, gone tomorrow" kind of fellow.

Oh, I see.
Mmm-hmm.

So he had you talk to me because
he's not interested anymore.

No, it's nothing quite like that.
Look.

Sherman,
I know what it feels like

to be brushed off,
and it's okay.

Carla, I feel like
this is all my fault.

I feel like I should've never
encouraged you to go out with Buddy.

Sherman,
you have been so sweet.

I'll just have to forget about him.
I'll see you later.

Carla.

I was wondering if

I could talk to you about
you and I, for a second.

I was...

I was wondering what
you were doing later,

'cause the family
gonna get together.

She made a meal

and we gonna be eating,
so I figured if

you not doing
anything for dinner,

I know we'd love to have you, if
you want to come over for dinner.

We'd love to have
you over for dinner.

I'd love to.

Would you, now?

Yes, I would.

Should we call and make sure
there's going to be enough food?

I don't think that's
going to be a problem.

(ALL CHATTERING)

MAMA: Oh, this is fabulous. There's
nothing like being with family!

GRANDMA: I am hungry.
Come on, now.

So,Carla, where are you from?
Chicago.

Oh, Chicago!
We have family there.

PAPA: Chicago.
Windy city, huh?

I was working on a skyscraper
in Chicago once,

and my lunch blew
off the 27th floor.

Yeah, I figure your
fat ass would remember

somebody's sandwich
flying off a building.

(LOUD BELCH)

Oh, baby, eat some bread.

Miss Purty, are you and
Sherman having relations?

TOGETHER:
That's a good question.

No, Grandma.

It's not like that.
We're colleagues.

PROFESSOR: We just work together.
Oh. Colleagues.

Yeah, that's how it
start out, colleagues.

Me and your grandfather
was colleagues.

Next thing you know,
he's on top of me

in the shed,
pumping and a-sweating.

Grandma,
it's not like that.

PAPA: Sherman,
will you hush up?

He's never
brought a girl home.

The least you can do
is let us talk to her.

Yeah, I'd like to get to know
her a little better myself.

Ain't nothing wrong with having relations.
Don't be ashamed of that.

Relations is beautiful.

When I was young, I used
to always have relations.

Every night, if a nice gentleman
bring me flowers and candy,

take me to a movie,
show me a lovely evening,

then I would take him home and
give him hot, lovely relations.

Relations is a beautiful thing.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Especially two young people.

That's your ho-ass, Mama.
Cletus!

Sometimes when I'm alone,
I relate to myself.

I can relate.

Oh, Mama.

I don't wanna hear this
shit while I'm eating.

MAMA: Cletus! Stop talking!

(WHISPERING)
I'm gonna kill you later.

So,Carla, do you like children?
Yes.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I can't wait for Sherman to
bring me home some grandbabies.

ERNIE: Yeah, I know you're gonna
enjoy making them babies.

Got those childbearing hips.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Baby'll pop right out.

(MAKES POPPING SOUND)

Your family got any money? I ain't
paying for no big-ass wedding.

Oh, Carla,
I know a wonderful minister.

What religious
background are you?

GRANDMA: Yeah, I still got
my wedding dress.

If you want it,
I'll take it in.

You'd look so lovely in it.
It's white though.

Can you wear a white
wedding dress, young lady?

Now, Sherman,
you can wear a white tuxedo.

'Cause you know Sherman. (WHISPERING)
Sherman has never had relations.

Mama, you gonna
embarrass my baby.

GRANDMA: I hope you got
a strong back.

MAMA: Oh, look
at my baby blushing.

When you get all that man and release
all that that's been built up

for 35 years.

Just wanting and
wanting and wanting!

(EXCLAIMS) Might make
your head blow off.

Pop goes the weasel!

I got my own self hot
telling that story.

Pop goes the weasel,
'cause the weasel say "pop!"

Carla, you and Sherman gonna get
married here or in Chicago?

MAMA: Carla, do you cook? 'Cause
somebody's got to feed my Sherman.

Yeah, I know a wonderful church
down there on Main Street,

but they won't marry
you if you're a lesbian.

Not that I have anything against lesbians.
I love lesbians.

Lesbians is cool.
It's true.

There's nothing wrong
with a little bingo.

A little cunnilingus
ain't never hurt nobody.

Why is it the woman
always gets the choice

where they're
gonna be married?

Cause that's tradition.
Tradition, my ass!

Look, I ain't gonna pay for
everybody flying to no Chicago!

You know how much
plane tickets cost?

You old, cheap bastard.

PAPA: We're gonna
have to drive down there.

I'm not driving
over to Chicago.

What do you mean you ain't
gonna drive to Chicago?

Then you gonna be
walking or riding a bike.

(SINGING) Sherman gonna have relations
Sherman gonna have relations

My baby is not getting married.
Oh, yeah?

(LOUD FART)

There you go again,

popping off gas in front of
this lovely, young lady.

We're trying to have a meal.
Put that brake on this gas.

I hope your ass
turn into a frog.

Don't nobody want to hear your
flatulence, Cletus Klump.

(LOUD FART)

MAMA: You're such a disgrace!

PAPA: I stopped holding my gas a
long time ago, you know that.

MAMA: Cletus, you gonna spoil
the dinner for everybody!

(ERNIE JR. LAUGHING) PAPA: Say one
more word. Say one more word.

(CHATTERING CONTINUES)

(BELL TOLLING)

Listen, Carla,

I want to apologize
about my family back there.

I think they got the
wrong idea about things.

No, no. I should be
the one to apologize.

I'm so sorry if I
seemed distant tonight.

But I still have
Buddy on my mind.

You really care
for Buddy, huh?

I don't know.

I mean, on the outside,
he seems so cocky and brash.

But when I look in his eyes,
I see kindness, I see warmth.

And that's the side of Buddy
I wanted to get to know.

I just got way
ahead of myself.

And here I am, talking your ear
off once again about Buddy.

No, it's quite
all right, really.

Listen, Carla,

don't you worry
about Buddy.

I'll find him for you.

Thank you, Sherman.

Thank you for being
such a good friend to me.

A good friend.

Good night.

Good night.

(SIGHS)

(LOUD CRASHING)

Professor?

Is that you? I just finished
the grant proposal.

What's the matter with you? Never seen a
brother wearing a circus tent before?

Black man can't
go camping?

Now, wait a minute.
You can't be you.

We agreed that you
wouldn't do this.

Someone has to tend
to chunky butt's sex life.

Chunky butt is
extremely horny. Excuse me.

But Professor Klump
has got a meeting

tonight with Harlan
Hartley at the Ritz.

I'm gonna be at
the Ritz tonight,

but it will not be in
the interest of science.

Pardon me.
No! I can't let you go.

Professor!

If you're in there and you
can hear me, come out!

Professor, listen to me. The
testosterone levels are way too high.

You can't control him.

(WHEEZING)

(GROANING)

(MOANING)

Oh! Jason!
What?

(GASPING) It's me, Sherman.
I'm talking to you

from deep down
inside Buddy Love.

Listen to me closely. Go in the
back room while I'm holding him

and get the coagulant serum
off the back shelf!

In the storage closet?
Yes, Jason!

I got it!
Hurry, Jason!

I got it! I got it! I got it! We
don't have much time. Let's move!

(YELLS)

(MANIACAL LAUGHING)

Professor! Professor!

I have an appointment with love!
Good night, hamster boy!

(POUNDING ON DOOR)
No, Professor!

(SCREAMING)

"Sorry I haven't phoned, but l
haven't been myself lately.

"Join me for dinner.
Buddy Love.

"P.S. I've enclosed a wallet-sized
photo for your enjoyment."

(CHUCKLING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Buddy, how can I stay mad at you?
This is gorgeous!

You're gorgeous
and I'm gorgeous,

so we should be in
gorgeous surroundings.

Let me get the room key.

Wait a minute.
Hold it. Hold it.

Buddy, I didn't say anything about
going to any room with you.

You said you were
taking me to dinner.

What are you talking about?
Oh, you think that...

Oh, my...
Hey, hey, hey. Slow down.

I just want to spend some
time with you, by ourselves.

I don't want to be
around all these strangers.

I don't want to share you with these
people. I want to eat, alone, quiet.

I would never disrespect you.
I'm a puppy dog.

Please,
can I go get this room?

(BARKS QUIETLY)

Yes?
Yes.

I'd throw him in the river
with a Buick tied to his neck.

He'd probably
drag the car down.

Miss Purty. Purty!
Dean Richmond.

Have you seen Professor Klump? He's
40 minutes late for his meeting.

And if Harlan Hartley walks out that
door, $10 million goes with him.

Oh, Lord. I'm gonna have to
lay down in front of his car.

Let's go.
Buddy,no,no,

you know
Sherman's research.

He's 40 minutes late for a meeting.
Why don't you fill in for him?

No, no, it's a nice thought, but he'd
have to know Sherman's research.

He knows Sherman's research?
You know Sherman's research?

Who's he? Who are you?

You might say I'm
a visiting professor

who might be staying
for a little while.

I do know Sherman's work.
In fact, I am Sherman's work.

Buddy! Do you think you
can do Klump's job

and help me crowbar that dough
out of Hartley?

Hey, man, there's not
a job on this planet

I can't do twice
as good as Sherman.

Good. Follow me.

All right, I'll go do this just 'cause
you asked me, not 'cause of him.

You just stay put.

I've got to go be brilliant.
Look at your fine self.

I bet you have on a thong
made of licorice, don't you?

Excuse me.

(RICHMOND LAUGHING)

All righty!

Well, this had
better be Professor Klump.

Klump? That fraud,
that hack, that no-talent.

No, sir, this is the man behind
Klump's work, the real genius.

I give you
Professor Buddy Love.

All right, Professor Love.

You have one minute
to show me your research.

Oh, no, you got it backwards, Rockefeller.
You have one minute to listen.

May I borrow this, please?
You haven't used it, have you?

Don't want to get your boogers
on my fingers.

Okay. Here we go.

ZEN “mes C.

You have to excuse my handwriting.
I'm in a bit of a rush.

But you have a pleasant evening.
Good night.

Professor Love,

don't you think
Mr. Hartley would like

to know what that
means in lay terms?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, you mean rich-dummy terms?
Yes.

Okay, yeah. I'll break it down for
all the rich dummies in the room.

Listen up.

If you gonna eat
nasty stuff like this...

I know it looks good, and some
of y'all like pork chops,

but this greasy,
nasty pork chop,

do you realize that
there's a gene in your DNA

that routes this
straight to your fat cells,

and it causes all sorts
of unsightly conditions?

Case in point,
this woman is suffering

from what I like to
call "Jell-O arms."

You notice
the arm is taking on

a gelatin sort of vibe.
And it's quite nasty.

Now to my left, this
gentleman has turkey neck.

And to my
immediate left,

this woman is suffering from
what we like to call

"Saddlebag syndrome."

And to my extreme left,

this young lady
is suffering from

what I like to
call "Tank ass."

MAN: Tank ass?

Brother, please, sit down.
Not tonight.

I'm your brother!
I'm your brother!

Like I was saying, everybody, where
there's a will, there's a way.

And there is a way
we can turn these genes off.

And I'm not talking about
using exercise or diet.

I'm talking about by
taking a simple solution

that helps reconstruct your
metabolic cellular strands,

thus giving you
the appearance of,

as they say in medical terms,
gluteus minimus.

Or in layman's terms, an
extremely tight, wonderful ass.

Let's give a big
round of applause

for the woman
with the nice ass.

Her ass is so nice, don't you agree?
She's worked so hard.

Have a seat. Have a seat.
Oh, are these girls with you?

Everyone has a nice
ass at this table.

Is this the nice-ass
section?

(LAUGHTER)

Where'd you find this man?

Harlan, it's an outrage.

I assure you he has no
affiliation with this school.

He's brilliant.

Exactly my point.

It's an outrage
that his brilliance

has no affiliation
with this school.

That's why I found him
and brought him to your money.

Attention. Brought
him to your attention.

(CLOCK BELL STRIKING)

My goodness, it is time
to take my medication.

Professor!

Hartley loved you.

He's going to be at the
alumni ball tomorrow night.

And if you can prove to him the formula
works, the $10 million is ours!

What makes you so sure
that the money is ours,

instead of just being mine?

(LAUGHS) You're good, Love.
Very good.

Which brings me to
my next question.

How'd you like to fill in for Professor
Klump on a more permanent basis?

You know, that's
exactly what I had in mind.

He talked to me first.

Hey, I'm the one with
the gluteus minimus.

Will you guys just chill? He said
he could handle all three of us.

With a name like
Buddy Love, I bet he can.

Carla, are you ready
to go upstairs?

I guess not.

Hey, where you goin'?
What's your problem?

They're my problem, and you can
handle all three of them, huh?

Well, I thought
after dinner you might

want to have
a little group activity.

I mean, after all, Buddy does
have a lot of love to give.

You are one sick,
twisted freak!

Oh, come on, Carla. What's the...
Hey, hey. Hey!

Go on, leave! There's more
titties over here anyway!

Think I want them two titties.
I have six titties.

I had two titties. Now I have six.
That's multiplication.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(BUDDY CHEERING) Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, yeah! This is what
I call burning calories!

Come on!
Help me burn this stuff up!

(GUESTS WHOOPING)

Yeah! Hey, this is going down
to Mr. Wilson downstairs!

(CHANTING) The roof, the roof,
the roof, the roof is on fire

(ALL CHANTING) The roof,
the roof, the roof is on fire

(WHOOPING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Sherman?

(CANS CRUNCHING)

Sherman?

(CANS CLATTERING)

Sherman?

(MOANING)

(SNIFFING)

(SMACKING LIPS)

CARLA: Sherman?

(CHUCKLING)

Sherman?

(GASPS)

(LOUD THUD)

Sherman, is that you?
Are you all right?

Oh, hi, Carla. Hi.

(CHUCKLING)

Did you have a party last night?
Oh, no.

My cleaning lady's sick,
so I got to clean up myself.

I see.
You sure she didn't die?

(LAUGHING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Look, I'm a little embarrassed about
the way how my place is looking.

So why don't I clean up and get
back at you a little later?

No,no,no. Sherman, Sherman,
I need to talk to you now.

And it's about Buddy.

He hasn't been misbehaving,
has he?

He's an egotistical pig,
and I wish I never met him.

But, Sherman,
I owe you a very big apology.

You owe me an apology?
Yes.

Last night,
I was only trying to help,

I insisted that Buddy Love
speak to Harlan Hartley.

He took all the credit
for your research.

Now Dean Richmond...

WOMAN: Where's Buddy?

Oh...
Buddy came here?

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) NO!

So what's this?

Are you guys...
You guys share girls?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I guess I was
next on the list.

No, Carla,
you don't understand.

I cannot believe I came over
here feeling sorry for you.

Carla, will you
please just listen to me?

I assure you it is not
what it appears to be!

You're no better
than he is!

You are just as sick as Buddy, and I
don't wanna see you or him again!

Carla, please just listen.
Carla!

"Eviction notice. Violation
of noise ordinance"?

(CANS CLATTERING)

Professor, we have to get
to the lab right away.

Jason, whatever it is, is gonna
have to wait until later.

No, no, no, that's the thing.
There isn't gonna be a later.

JASON: Professor,
what did you do last night?

Jason, I have such a bad hangover,
I honestly do not remember.

Well, the good news is
I'm not going to kill you,

not physically, anyway.

I am, however, going to
kill you professionally.

You see, chubby, you're not only
fired from this institution,

but I'm going to make
sure you never get hired

by any other college
in the state,

the country, the world,
maybe even the universe.

Unless, of course, they're looking
for teachers on Planet Fat.

Oh, by the way,

Buddy Love is
going to be using

your invitation
to the alumni ball,

so show a little school spirit
and see that he gets it.

(SINGING) We're in the money

Put that food down!
They ate yesterday!

...really tight and say,
"Yes, I can."

Say it again.

LANCE AND AUDIENCE:
Yes, I can!

Hey, chunky drawers!
Hey, tank ass!

What are you eating? Muffin?
Strudel? Some shit.

Put it down. Let me
talk to you for a second.

Look, if you're
receiving this message,

that means you went
and plumped back up

to your usual, fat, sorry,
stuff-my-face-till-I 'm- almost-dead self.

Is that what you did?
Shame on you, Sherman!

Do you know what
you did last night?

You had the time of
your life last night.

Do you know you can get
arrested in 50 states

for the shit
you did just last night?

(GIGGLING)

Oh, my goodness!

You know what
you need to do?

You need to go down
to the laboratory

and mix you up another
batch of this blue stuff.

Come on back to the party,
Sherman,

because Carla
doesn't want you.

She wants me.
Me, not you.

So come join me
because you can't beat me.

You can't beat me.
You can't beat me!

Yes, I can!

(BUDDY LAUGHS)
Yes, I can.

Professor, I got your message.
What's up?

Jason, I'm going to that alumni ball
tonight, and I'm gonna reclaim my life.

Yes! I'm so glad to
hear you say that.

Get things straight
with Miss Purty,

and I'm gonna get that grant
from Harlan Hartley.

Excellent

Jason, we have seen
the last of Buddy Love.

(BIG BAND JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Horace, good to see you. The
jitterbug contest just started.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Your table's upstairs.

That's another joke.

When did you
marry Sharon Stone?

Keep those legs crossed.

Hartley. Damn it. And where
the hell is Buddy Love?

No sign of him yet, sir.

Here's an idea.

Find him!

Yes, sir.

Harlan.
Well, Richmond.

Where's your
Professor Buddy Love?

With you,
it's always business.

Let's get to know each other man-to-man.
Now, if our files are correct,

you and your fabulous wife
have a terrific daughter.

I'm divorced, and my
daughter is in rehab.

So you're saying our
files are not correct.

Listen,
you pompous butt-kisser.

I have a check in my
pocket for $10 million.

And your Buddy Love has till midnight
to prove that formula works.

He'll be here, the formula
works and you have the check.

Really? On you now? Because on behalf of...
Which pocket?

No, don't tell me.
Let me smell it. Punch?

Oh, come on, now.
Look at this.

I can't eat this.
This stuff is too tiny.

I can't get
full off this mess!

I think it's wonderful, all the
precious little finger foods.

Finger food?
I got a finger for them.

I ain't paid no $100
ticket for no finger food.

I could go down to Subway,
get me a sandwich for $3.

I gotta pay a $100 ticket for
some finger food? Hungry as I am?

You must be crazy
to think I'm gonna eat this...

Please. You're getting
on my damn nerves!

Sh t
rm hungry! u up!

There's Carla. I wonder if
she's seen Sherman. Carla!

Carla.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)
Oh, you look fabulous.

Thank you, Mrs. Klump.

Have you seen Sherman? PAPA:
Yeah, where's Sherman at?

I ain't come to pay no $100 ticket
to have to suffer this alone.

Cletus, shut up, please!

Hey! That's strike two.

I don't think Sherman
will be coming tonight.

Yes, he is. Sherman called me and
told me to make sure we was here,

'cause he got a big announcement
to make or something.

Something about getting
it all off his chest.

Have you noticed
that Sherman's

been acting kind
of strange lately?

Sherman has definitely
been acting strange lately.

I knew it!
See, Cletus? I told you.

You really think I be listening to you.
I ain't listening to you!

Well, Mrs. Klump, I hope you
have a wonderful evening.

Oh, you do the same. Thank you so much.
So precious.

Look at your little purple dress.
They gonna think we twins.

(CHUCKLING)
Mr. Klump.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Fabulous.

You know, Cletus,
I think something's

going on between
her and Sherman.

You don't go get up in Sherman's business.
That's Sherman's business.

Sherman's business? That's my business.
Sherman is my baby.

Sherman's 35 years old! What you
talking about he's your baby?

Cletus, I don't wanna hear it.
Shut up, please!

Carla! That's strike
three, damn it!

Don't you walk away
from me, God damn it!

(MUTTERING)

Hey, this is
the last of it, Professor.

I'll tell you this,
Jason,

if I'm gonna change my life, it's not
gonna come from some magic: drink.

Gotta come from
a lot of hard work,

and exercise and
plenty of these.

Good bye, Buddy Love.
Hello, Megashake.

(GULPING)

(SCREAMING)

Professor?

Oh!

I lost 300 pounds
in 30 seconds!

Thanks, Megashake!

You tricked him!

You damn right, hamster boy. I knew
Sherman was gonna go soft on me.

That can wreak havoc
on a man's sex life.

(LAUGHING)

See, I've done some
calculations of my own.

If I drink 500
milliliters of formula,

I'll have enough
cellular stability

to be rid of
Sherman's ass forever!

No, you drink that much formula at
one time, and it will kill you!

If I drink it all at once,
yes. If I drink half now

and half later,
that's completely safe.

At midnight,
I don't have to worry

about turning
into no Klumpkin.

Now if you don't mind, I have
a date at the alumni ball,

and you have
a date with linoleum.

Who?

(MAMA KLUMP LAUGHS)

No, no, no, child. Not a wild party.
Not Sherman.

He's too shy for something like that.
He hates parties.

In fact, we tried to have a party for
Sherman when he was 18 years old,

and he's so shy,
he didn't even show up.

Well, I must admit, it didn't
seem like the Sherman I know.

Oh, no, not my baby.

Maybe he loaned his house
out to somebody or something,

or one of his buddies
was throwing a party.

BUDDY: Yeah!

Is that a test tube in my pocket
or am I just happy to see you?

Oh! How dare you!
Oh, you know you loved it.

I felt you percolating.

(GASPS)
Whoo!

Hey, thanks a lot, man.
Thank you so much.

Oh! What you serving here?

This stuff is... Y'all got to get
some collard greens and some yams!

Some red beans and rice!
Some "Buddy" is right.

This ain't no party! This ain't no ball!
RICHMOND: Professor Love!

Y'all gotta get y'all some
peach cobbler up in here!

Professor Love! Where
the hell have you been?

I've been nursemaiding Hartley
for three hours,

and if I didn't
need that money...

Shut up!

Who you think you're
talking to, Sherman Klump?

Man, if you ever talk to me
like that again, I'll kill you!

I don't mean
that as a euphemism.

I mean, I'm gonna
literally kill you.

I'm gonna strangle you

and cut off your air supply
until you pass away!

BUDDY: Now find the rich dummy a seat.
It's showtime.

It's showtime, everybody!

Showtime!

(BUDDY CACKLING)

(JASON GROANING)

(BEEPING)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

BUDDY: That's enough
out of you! That's it.

You're the reason
everybody falling asleep.

Take a break, Nigger-ace.

Take the Everly Brothers with you.
Come on. Get out of here!

Look at everybody sleeping
because of y'all! It's showtime!

Now, why are y'all looking at
me like y'all don't know me?

Y'all know me!

I don't know that fool.

How about now?
You recognize me?

I don't know that fool.

Maybe it's because

this morning I
weighed 400 pounds!

You should've seen me.
Look at me now.

You know how I did it?
One sip.

I know why he like that,
'cause he drunk.

Be quiet! Don't tell me to be quiet!
He drunk!

I like to call it
"Buddy's Wonder Tonic."

Yeah, I know what
wonder tonic you had.

(WATCH ALARM BEEPING)

Right on schedule.

Cellular destabilization clue
to arrive in exactly three,

(BEEPING)

two, one...

(SLOSHING)

Ain't that a bitch!

What the hell?
My goodness!

Hey, moneybags,
you want a demonstration?

Well, then feast
your eyes on this.

(SLOSHING)

That's a hell of a trick.

(BEEPING)

Ladies and gentlemen,
for my final demonstration...

Look out, David Copperfield. I'm
about to make a 400-pound fat man

disappear forever!

No! Wait!

I cannot let you
do this anymore!

This has got to stop!

This man is trying to kill
Professor Sherman Klump!

That's it. I'm glad
I brought my knife.

And I got my razor.

Hand over the vial now!

Sure thing, hamster boy.

But first,
a short musical interlude.

(GASPING)

Buddy!

What has gotten into you,
and where is Sherman?

Sherman is gone! Disappeared!
(MUTTERING) What the hell...

And that's a pretty good trick for
a man with an ass as big as his.

(BEEPING)

I'm late for an appointment.

Ladies and gentlemen,
say goodbye to Sherman Klump!

I hate being
called hamster boy.

(GUESTS GASPING)

You just don't know
when to quit, do you?

(GUESTS GASPING)

(GRUNTING)

It's too late, fat boy.
It's over!

(STRAINING) Let go! Let go!

MY goodness!
Hey!

(GAGGING) Give it up, fat boy!
It's over!

(IN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) It ain't
over till the fat professor sings!

(SHRIEKING)

Let go of my hand,
you fat mother...

Say one more word, Buddy,
I'll tear your arm off!

It's time we take Nestea...
Plunge!

(GRUNTING)

(sesame)

Gonna get the hell out of
here in a second. It's okay.

(GRUNTING)

Sweet Jesus!
Sherman!

Sherman, don't do this!
You need me!

No, I don't!

You fat ass!

Tinkerbell!

Blubber butt!

Featherweight!

Somebody better
call an exorcist!

Sherman! Sherman!
You can't beat me!

This is some scary shit!

(GRUNTING)

Yes, I can!

(ALARM BEEPING)

Sherman, come back here! Sherman!
What's happening to me?

Everything's getting real dark!
Oh! I feel real jiggly!

(PANTING) I'm blubbifying!
Sherman!

You need me! I taught you to be confident!
You needed me, Sherman!

Sherman! No matter what!

No matter what,
you got to strut.

(CROWD GASPS)

(SIGHS)

(CROWD MOANING)

Come on. I ain't
gonna be picking up

your big ass
all night, Anna. Shit.

(GASPS)

Oh, my God.
Well, I'll be damned.

(EXHALES)

If you give me a moment, I
believe I can try to explain.

My research is...

Well, when I started out,
I was...

I wanted to help people.

But I became
desperate and selfish.

What I did was wrong.

Buddy's who I thought the
whole world wanted me to be.

He's who I thought
I wanted to be.

And sometimes when you
want something so, so bad,

you do just about
anything to get it.

But I learned one
thing from Buddy.

And I learned that
life is not about

being happy about
how much you weigh,

but just being
happy with yourself.

I'm terribly
sorry about all this.

I hope I haven't
ruined everybody's evening.

Please excuse me.

(WHISPERING) I'm sorry.

Sherman!

Sherman!

Sherman, wait a minute.

Sherman,
why did you lie to me?

Why didn't you
say anything?

I didn't think
you'd have me.

I mean, the fact of
the matter is I'm a big man.

Now, I will lose weight,
but I'm always

gonna be big no
matter what I do.

So, anybody I wind
up with is just going

to have to accept
me for who I am.

And more important,
I'm just going to

have to accept
myself for who I am.

Sherman,

I don't have a date tonight.

Would you like
to dance with me?

(SOFT CHUCKLE)

JASON: Professor,

I thought
you might need this.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, I guess
I tore this one up, huh?

(LAUGHING)

(PLAYING SMOOTH R&B)

You know one thing I couldn't
stand about that Buddy?

What's that?

He was too damn scrawny.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Okay, Professor!
Looking good!

Have I mentioned we also have
a terrific English department?

I'm giving him the grant.
What?

I hate to admit it,
but you're absolutely right.

He's a brilliant scientist
and a gentleman as well.

Well, I told you!

HARTLEY: Will you shut up!

I'm fine with that.

Oh, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman,
Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman!

(LAUGHING) Light as a feather tonight.
Come on, bump me.

Yeah!

(GASPS)

Oh, my goodness!
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

You didn't hurt yourself,
did you?

(CHUCKLES) I'm fine.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah!

Fabulous!

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(FARTING)
Oh, my Lord!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Don't start.
Do it again.

Go on, fart! I hope
your asshole fall out...

(LAUGHING)

I thought it just was... I
thought a colonic was a massage.

(LAUGHING)

(CREW LAUGHING)

For only research, and...

(LAUGHING)

(CREW LAUGHING)
What? What, you filming this?

Your research.

Get back in there!

(LAUGHING) We ain't ready for you yet.
Now, what were you saying?

Hold on a minute.
Let me go deal with my girl.

What's wrong with y'all?

Professor Klump,
the cages, what happened?

They can't see me
with your head there.

(CREW LAUGHING)

I made a fart last week.

It smelled so bad, it had
a chain hanging from it.

(LAUGHING)

(CREW LAUGHING)

(MUFFLED) I can't talk.

(CREW LAUGHING)

(CREW LAUGHING)

I seen Sherman get so hungry
once when he was young,

he beat up a grown man.

(CREW LAUGHING)

I'm sorry.

(LAUGHING)

I'm freaking out over here
'cause Eddie's over here

saying some
wild crap. Do you...

(LAUGHING)

(FARTING)

(LAUGHING) Oh! You're
supposed to say, "Excuse me."

(FARTING)

Oh, baby, you...

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Hey, little Hercules,
you want some more coleslaw?

(CREW LAUGHING)

Come on, Cletus. Come on.
No...it... Come on.

Come on, Cletus.
Come on. Come on, Cletus.

Come on. Come on, Cletus!

(CREW LAUGHING)

Come on!
Come on, Cletus. No.

Come on, come on.
No...it... Come on.

Come on, come on,
come on, let's do this.

Let's do this!

(LAUGHING)

(R&B SONG PLAYING)