The Nude Bomb (1980) - full transcript

An unknown terrorist has developed a new type of bomb that will destroy clothing, but leave people unharmed. Agent Maxwell Smart (this time without 99 or Hymie) is taken out of retirement and sent back into the field to track down who this madman is and put a stop to his plans.

♪ You're always there
when I need you ♪

♪ I can count on you
all right ♪

♪ If the world would end,
I'd just call you ♪

♪ And you'd fix it overnight ♪

♪ If I wanted the sun,
I bet you ♪

♪ Would deliver it to me ♪

♪ You're always there
when I need you ♪

♪ And I need you constantly ♪

♪ These are dangerous days
we're living in ♪

♪ And many times
I feel like giving in ♪

♪ But I never, never do ♪

♪ Instead I turn to you ♪

♪ You're too smart
to be true ♪

♪ You're always there
when I need you ♪

♪ Heaven must have
sent you here ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Somehow you make
disasters disappear ♪

♪ You make every
little feeling ♪

♪ There is nothing
that you won't try ♪

♪ You're always there
when I need you ♪

♪ And I'll need you
till I die ♪

♪ Need you ♪

♪ Need you ♪

♪ You're always there ♪

♪ When I need you ♪

♪ I can count on you ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ If the world would end ♪

♪ I'd just call you ♪

♪ And you'd fix it overnight ♪

♪ If you wanted the sun ♪

♪ I bet you ♪

♪ Would deliver it to me ♪

♪ You're always there ♪

♪ When I need you ♪

♪ And I need you constantly ♪

♪ Oh, I'm gonna
need you, baby ♪

♪ Oh, baby... ♪

♪ Yes, I am ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪

♪ I'm gonna need you, baby ♪

♪ I need you, baby ♪

♪ Oh, baby,
yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

Hey, your boot's ringin'.

Oh, is that my boot?

I thought it was yours.

Yes, well, I think
I'll take it outside.

Answer it here.

Uh, answer it here.

Yeah, on second thought,

I think I'll
answer it here.

Maxwell Smart,
Agent 86 here.

Max, this is The Chief.

This better be
important, Chief.

What is your situation?

Well, I'm 10,000 feet
in the air

facing a squad of killers...

who I think know who I am.

How many?

Well, counting the guy
with the gun in my face, 18.

Get rid of them and get back
here immediately.

Right, Chief.

Well, gentlemen, sorry,
but orders are orders.

Ah, ahh!

All right.
You guys stay here.

I'll go out and get him
and bring him back.

What is it now, Chief?

Max, I wanna know
what's happening.


I'm falling at a speed
of 120 miles an hour...

from a height of
approximately 8,000 feet.

I'm gonna open my parachute.

Should be on the ground
in two minutes.

Would you believe
two seconds?

Nations of the world...

this is KAOS...

the all-powerful organization
of evil and tyranny

speaking to you from
our secret headquarters.

We have in our power
a devastating new weapon

capable of systematically
destroying all known fabrics

which exist in the world.

It is called "The Nude Bomb."

I am prepared
to detonate this bomb

in every single nation,

eradicating each fiber,

every last swatch of cloth,

rendering the entire world
completely nude.

Every man, woman, and child

on the face of this earth

is at the mercy of KAOS

if our demands are not met.

These demands...

will be forthcoming.

That is all for now.

Have a nice day.

Uh, good work, 86.
You made it.

Hello, Chief.

Well, I see you're
using the stair ramp.

Pretty tight security,
eh? What's up?

A big one, 86. KAOS.

The international organization
of evil and rottenness, eh?

We're really up
against it this time, 86.

The fate of the entire world
is in your hands.

Oh, no, not again.

Well, okay, this time,

but next week
I'm on vacation, Chief.

If you get in trouble then,
it's your ass.

You know, Chief, this Nude Bomb might
solve a lot of problems.

Such as?

Well, for one thing,

Only you would
think of that, Max.

That's why they pay me
the big bucks.

And there'd be no more trouble
with concealed weapons.

I mean, if everyone is nude, there'll be
no place to hide a gun or a knife.

Well, there is a place,
but it could be painful.

Activate the wash.

This is your team.

Now, Larabee,
you already know.

Why don't the rest of you
just introduce yourselves?

My name is Carruthers.

Just a minute.
Ladies first please.

I'm Agent 36,

and I can't tell you
how thrilled I am

to be working with the world's most
well-known secret agent,

the Maxwell Smart.

Oh, you've heard of me.

Who hasn't?
You're a legend, 86.

While I was studying
with the Spy Academy,

I reviewed every one
of your cases.

Oh. Well, wouldn't you like
to hear my side of the story?

I think you're wonderful.

Oh, you have heard
my side of the story.

I'm Dr. Jerry Krovney
and this is my sister Dr. Pam Krovney.

No kidding?
Listen, Doc,

I got a little pain
right about here.

See, I went to this
Japanese restaurant,

and I had a chili dog...

Max, Max, they're
not medical doctors.

They're doctors in the field
of technology.

They are
computer analysts.

You're kidding?
That's fantastic!

Thank you.

Okay, old-timer,
you're next.

My name is Carruthers.

I'm in charge of
special tactical weaponry

and logistical support.

I'm responsible
for your life

while you're
on this assignment.

Well, I certainly hope
you're up to it, old-timer,

because there are a lot of people
out there that would like to see me dead.

They're not all out there.

Deactivate the wash.

By the way, Chief,
what was the nation's reaction

to the KAOS broadcast?

Were they frightened?

- Angry.
- Angry?

Well, they interrupted
a soap opera.

Which one?
As The Earth Turns.

I don't blame them.

That's my favorite
soap opera.

Do you realize that
Jessica is knocked up?

You know, that's...
Max, Max, please, please!

Could we get on
with this, please?

Rendezvous point one.

The President should be calling
in a minute and 20 seconds.

He's gonna let us know
where to meet him.

your rear view pipe.

What about it?
You got it?

Let me have it.

What's the matter?

I think we're
being followed.

I was right.
Duck, Chief! Oh!


She's on our side!

She's one of your team.

22 has been assigned
to back you up.

Agent 86, Agent 22.

You shot at me.

I'm sorry, but you
drew your gun,

and I had
to protect myself.

Well, you
could've killed me.

Oh, no. I aimed
for your gun.

I put my bullet
in your barrel.

You put your bullet
in my barrel?


Of course. The ol'
bullet-in-the-barrel trick.

But suppose you'd
missed and hit me?

Max, I want this to be
a harmonious relationship.

Well, I'm sorry if
I was out of line, 22.

I'm sure you're
a very good marksperson,

but we all make mistakes.

And if there's one thing I've learned
in many, many years of experience,

is that you cannot be
too careful with your gun.

Excuse me.


Are you all right?

Missed it by that much.

Excuse me.


Yes, Mr. President.

Bye, Mr. President.

22, take cover.

Right, Chief.

See you later, 86.

Right, 22.


Where the hell
did she go?

You know she graduated
at the top of her class?

Majored in vanishing.

But she's always there
when you need her.

Maxwell Smart,
Agent 86 here.

This is
the President speaking.

Oh, how do you do,
Mr. President?

Mr. Smart, because of
the highly sensitive nature

of this Nude Bomb threat,

I've arranged for us to rendezvous
in this unorthodox manner

than risk any form
of security leak.

Any form of what, sir?

Security leak.

I'm sorry, sir,
but I can't hear you

because of
the traffic noise.

Security leak!

Oh, that.
Yes, sir, thank you.

Mr. Smart, I've just received
the KAOS demands.

We're in severe trouble.

They're insisting the United Nations
pool its resources

and pay KAOS a monthly rent
of $10 billion.

Well, that's
blackmail, sir.

I know, but
my information is...

the United Nations
is ready to capitulate.

Ah, blow it out your ass!

Blow it out my what?

Oh, no, not you, 86.

Now, listen.

They've called
an emergency session

at the Security Council.

They meet at noon.

Mr. Smart, I want
you to be there.

Right, sir.

Now, you realize,
Mr. Smart,

that once KAOS
learns of your mission,

they'll stop at nothing.

You'll be in
imminent danger...

constant jeopardy,
facing death at every turn.

And... loving it.

I don't think Carruthers
expects us this early.

I hope he moved your things
over from your old apartment.

22, we'll be out
in about five minutes.

Okay. Chief,
you may have been followed.

A black truck
just turned the corner.

Well, check it out.

Will do.

And, uh, stay
out of sight.


Watch your step, 86.

Now, remember, Max, when you use
this entrance... Gotcha, Chief.

You knock the bell
and ring the knocker, right?


As I was explaining, Max,
the door is the wall

and the wall is the door.

Unless you make the mistake
of ringing the bell

and knocking on the door.

Then the wall
will electrocute you.

You're early.
I'm not ready.

Max just came to pick up
a few things, Carruthers.

We'll be out of your way
in a minute.

All right. In that case,
I have in this box a...

Now, just a minute,

Let me see if I get
this straight.

What you're trying to tell me

is that that telephone
activates that wall?

Actually, it's not
a telephone, 86.

It's a master
control panel.

There's another one
over there.

Now, I have in this box...
Wait a minute.

What do I use
for a telephone?

That stapler.

Now, I have in this...
A stapler telephone?

That's fantastic,

Can it also be used
as a stapler?


Oh, well, you better
work on that.

What's in the box,

We don't have all day,
you know.

We made you
a new shoe phone, 86.

Ah! Touch-tone dialing.
Very good.

And in the event
you're indisposed...

my latest innovation.

Oh. Shoe answer phone.

Very practical,

Now, when you
wanna go to bed,

you press that
top button there

and it activates
the bedroom wall.

And now I've got to activate
your filing cabinet.

Well, Carruthers has really done
an exceptional job

this time, hasn't he?

You know, you ought
to thank him, Max.

You thank him, Chief.

The only thing that's
on my mind right now

is why is there a KAOS agent
in my bedroom?

What the hell
are you talking about?

Shh. Listen.

Now, let's
not be hasty, Max.

This could be one
of Carruthers' Men.

No chance.
He would've mentioned it.

Look, just let me
handle it, Chief.

And above all,
try not to panic.

Drop that gun
and put up your hands.

Not you, Max.

Come over here.

Who are you and what are you
doing here?

I'm Harrington.
I'm on Carruthers' special staff.

I came in here to make a last-minute
check for hidden microphones.

A likely story.
Don't trust him, Chief.

Why not?

Eh, why not?
Why not?

Yes, why not? Well, for one thing,
he has a foreign accent.

A foreign accent?

I don't hear
any foreign accent.

What kind of an accent?

Eh, what kind
of an accent?

Eh, Chinese.


Eh, would you
believe Japanese?

Max, not another word.


Let's see
your identification.

All right, Harrington,
you can go.

Thank you.

Hey, Chief. Have
you ever seen this?

This is a picture
of Agent 13 and me.

That's Agent 13
in the trash can.

Agent 13 would be terrific
on this case.

No. You're already
dangerously overstaffed, Max.

But Chief, Agent 13
is one of the best

undercover men
in the business.

Why, he could be
in a room with you

and you wouldn't
even know it!

I wish you would
reconsider, Chief.

I'm telling you that Agent 13 is
one of the best.

He's top drawer.

Uh, bottom drawer, Max.

13, what are you
doing here?

We always work together,
don't we, Max?

Not on this job.


Let's go.


Chief, Chief!
Believe me.

You cannot get anybody better than
Agent 13 for this job.

22, can I see you
a minute?

Sure, Chief.

All right, all right.
You can have Agent 13.

Thank you, Chief.
What's up?

Well, Max has to go
to the United Nations

and you're going
to back him up.

Of course.


That girl worries me
a lot, Chief.

What ever happened to our regulations
regarding female agents?

They're supposed to be
unmarried, without dependents,

and willing
to fool around a lot.

Here comes
that black truck.

Of course, the ol'
big-black-truck trick.


Max, take cover!

Watch out!

Well, Max, KAOS knows
you're on the job.

I've never seen
that maneuver before.

Falling over backwards
and coming up shooting...

When did you
first think of that?

The second my foot
hit this banana peel.

PITS has picked Maxwell Smart
to work against us.

But it's
to our advantage.

Stop mumbling through that
ridiculous affectation.

This affectation,
my dear Nino,

is more than a disguise.

It's my latest innovation.

Besides being
perfectly coordinated

with this ensemble,

this fabric filters
every last particle,

each microorganism
of a polluted world.

I'm telling you Maxwell Smart
has been put on the case!

Maxwell Smart is
a fool and a bumbler.

So, how do you explain
how this bumbler

has been able to thwart
KAOS constantly in the past?

He's a lucky bumbler.

I also know an attempt
was made on his life.

Did you order that?

He's dangerous.

On the contrary,
my dear Nino.

He's invaluable.

I planted a double agent
in PITS...

Hence, we have on
Maxwell Smart's team

a constant continuity
of information

who will apprise us
of every move he makes.

Uh-huh. You're really
taking over, aren't you?

I rather look
upon my contribution

as an enormous help
to both of us.

It's no help to have
Smart go to the U.N.

He could convince them
we don't mean business.

An antidote to that
is to drop the bombs.

Drop the bombs!
That's all you think!

Drop the bombs!

We'll drop the bombs
when I say, "Drop the bombs."

Calm down, dear Nino.

I don't understand
these outbursts.

You've become
highly irrational

since that explosion
in your laboratory...

when you lost your eye,
your arm, your leg,

your larynx...

What's wrong with you?

You're a fool!

If we kill the goose,
where is the golden egg?

If we destroy the world,
who'll pay us the money?

However, your plan
does have some merit.

We'll drop
just a few bombs.

Limited warfare. Ha!

Very civilized.

Present arms!

Gentlemen, gentlemen!

Please, please.
Let us not panic.

It is perfectly obvious
to me what has happened here.

KAOS has merely
tried to confuse us

by using the ol'
fake-naked trick.

Of course!

The old-a fake-a
naked trick!

Uh, what's the old-a
fake-a naked trick?

They have
employed and hired

hundreds of people
to appear naked

in different countries
throughout the entire world.

It's an old trick,
but they have not fooled me.

In a top secret discussion
of such a sensitive nature,

we cannot risk being bugged.

I suggest that we activate
the Cones of Silence.

For security reasons,
we shall activate

the Cones of Silence.

There are
advantages to nudity.

It might eliminate war.

Without uniforms, no one
will know who the enemy is.

We will know.

We can have uniforms
made out of metal.

Aluminum is good!

It's light.
You can march in it.

You can paint
your medals on it.

A-uniforms! A-uniforms!

And stop already
with-a your uniforms

get us in the last war!

I would advise you not to talk
to me like that.

You have relatives
in Germany?

I can talk
any way I like.

I got relatives
in Chicago.

Gentlemen, trust me.
I know what I'm talking about.

There is no such thing
as a Nude Bomb.

There never
has been a Nude Bomb,

and there never
will be a Nude Bomb.

How was
the U.N., Max?

Very cooperative,

It's a fine organization.

Max, I've been
thinking about it,

and if they decide
to drop the Nude Bomb,

I know the answer.


Well, what?

Don't you wanna know the answer?


Sure. The whole world
will start wearing food.

Larabee, that is
the stupidest thing

I have ever heard
in my entire life.

The whole world
will start wearing food?

I have heard you say
some dumb things, Larabee,

but that's gotta be
the dumbest thing

I have ever heard
come out of your mouth.

People wearing food!
Forget it, Larabee.

Just forget it.

Food. Jesus!

What kind of food?

vegetables, fish...

but not too much
red meat.

You wear red meat
a couple of times a week,

that's plenty.

But this is crazy!

Why? We're just going
back to the Bible.

Now, what did
Adam and Eve wear

to cover up
the good parts?

Fig leaves.
Now, that's food.

Now, you take a head
of Romaine lettuce.

That will clothe
a family of six.

You buy a flank steak,

you throw it
over your shoulders,

and you got a stole.

You cut it in half,

scoop out the inside,
and you got a bra.

What holds the bra up?



Larabee, that's insane.

Do you realize
that the whole world

is facing a food shortage
as it is?

Max, this will work.

People for the first time
will know where

their next meal's
coming from.

They'll be wearing it.

They'll wear it
two or three times,

then you'd eat it.

Won't it spoil?

Not if you're neat.

What has neatness
got to do with it?

Well, you can't
take your clothes off

and throw 'em
over a chair anymore.

You got to learn
to fold them neatly

and put them
in the refrigerator.

Larabee, you can
just drop me off in front.

Why are we
going in this way?

Wait till you see
Carruthers' invention, Max.

See you later, Max.

Got our first break, Smart.

Man named Seigle

to the distribution
of the photographs.

Said he'd call you back.

Don't tie up that
stapler, Carruthers.

Seigle may call back
any minute.

Carruthers here.

I'm leaving
the stapler location.

I'll be at my piano number
in half an hour.

If you need me earlier,
call me on my jock strap.

But please just ring once.

All right! Smart, I'll
explain this desk to you

and then get the hell
out of here.

That won't be necessary,

I've seen desks before.

Not like this one.

This is the latest in
counter-attack furniture.

The D-1 Turbocharger
Desk Mobile.

This desk can go from
0 to 60 in five seconds

and can cruise
at 80 miles an hour.

It was built for
the cost of $12 million.

Get on.

See that key
in the drawer?

Turn it.

Of course!

The ol'
dashboard-in-the-drawer trick!

To activate the armament,
you press the knob marked

"air conditioning."

How do you turn on
the air conditioning?

There is no
air conditioning.

There is no
air conditioning?

Are you kidding?

$12 million
for this thing,

and no
air conditioning?

You better work on that,

How much mileage do you get
on this thing?

35 on the highway,
12 in the living room.

Well, that's not bad
for an American make.

That's because it
doesn't run on gasoline.

It runs on ink.

This thing runs on ink?

That's fantastic,

Why, do you realize that could be
the answer to the fuel shortage?

I'm afraid not.
Special kind of ink.

Comes from Saudi Arabia.

Well, Smart, that's it.

Make sure to change drawers
every 6,000 miles.

Mine or the desk's?

That depends on
who's chasing you.

I'm sure
I'll see you later.

It's been
that kind of day.


22, don't do that to me!
How did you get in here?

Through the wall.
Through the wall?

Well, what do you want?

Well, I've been doing
a lot of thinking since we met,

and I feel we got off
on the wrong foot.

You know, things would run
a lot smoother

if we became friends.

Let's stop beating
around the bush, 22.

What's you're after is my body!

Well, just put it
out of your mind

because it won't work.

I don't know what you may have
heard about me,

but I am not easy.

Look, I think you've
got this all wrong.

I'll be... I know. I know.
You'll be gentle.

I've heard
that one before.

Sure, and as
soon as I relax,

you'll be all over me.

And then when
the case is over,

I'll never hear
from you again.

Ah, so now it's "Max."

See! That's what
I was afraid of.

Look, 22.
When I'm on a case,

I don't fool around.

I mean,
before a case, maybe.

After a case,

During a case,






What are you doing
in my bed?

Well, Carruthers
called about Seigle.

I rushed right over
and you weren't here,

and I hadn't slept
in 48 hours,

so I thought I'd take a shower
to wake myself up.

But it didn't work.

I'm sorry, Max.

I guess I fell
asleep on the job.

I suppose nothing like that's
ever happened to you.

I'm going to change
into my clothes.

Oh, Max!

Would you hand me the bra
and panties on the chair?

Uh, Max?

Excuse me.

I just got instructions
from Carruthers

to activate the voice-print
monitoring system

for the Seigle call...
on all the extensions.

What was that?

Uh, what was what?

Didn't the toilet
just flush?

Uh, the toilet, yes.

Uh, well, that's another one
of Carruthers' inventions.

It's, uh,
an automatic flusher.

You see, it, uh, it flushes
every hour on the hour,

whether you
want it to or not.

It's also a clock.

Uh, two flushes.
That's two a flush.

Uh, 2:00.


time certainly flies

when you're having fun,
doesn't it?

Well, you should be
running along, 22.

It's getting
kind of late.

What is that
in your hand?

Uh, that!
That's my bra.

Your bra?

Uh, would you believe
my training bra?


22, I can explain
this bra in five seconds.

Uh, these panties are gonna take
a little longer.

It isn't necessary.

Ah, but it is
necessary, 22.

You see! They're a disguise
from a former mission.

Max, where
are my bra and...


36, you know 22.
22, 36.


Now, wait a minute, 22!

I can explain anything!

I mean, I can
explain everything.

I did not know that 36
was in my bedroom.

When I came into my bedroom,
there was 36 lying on my bed

in my bathrobe.

Uh, so, uh,
then when I came in,

she was embarrassed,
you see,

so she went
into the bathroom

and she asked me
to bring in her clo...

her... her clothes.

So, that's when I went to get
her clothes...

her panties
and her bra.

See, and I went
to bring them in.

That's when you came in,
she came out,

and that's the whole story
in a nutshell.

Well, what
do you think?



This is the last time

I ever tell the truth
to a woman.

Look, the next time
you come over here,

don't wear
my bra and panties.

Uh, your bra and panties.
That's an order.

That could be Seigle.


My name is
Jonathon Levinson Seigle.

I own Jonathon of Paris
here in New York.

I have information

which could determine
the fate of the entire world

and civilization
as it is known today.

You got a minute?

Of course.

I received a photograph

of that fellow that broadcasts
for KAOS on television,

and suddenly
I remembered...


I had a model
who worked for me,

came in late one day

vearinga dress with
the exact same pattern...

a plum paisley.

Now, listen.
This is very important, Mr. Seigle.

Can you put me in touch
with this model?

Uh, look, Mr. Smart,
this is not a good time.

I've been vaiting
for a buyer,

and she's finally here.

Uh, why don't you
come by my place...

1711 7th Avenue...

tonight, exactly 5:00.

Could be 5:15.

Mr. Seigle?

He's been shot, 22.

See what you
can do for him.

I'm gonna
check out the back.

Relax, relax.
Calm down, ladies.

You have nothing
to fear from me.

I'm a government agent.

I advise you to keep
this door shut and locked.

Whoever it was got away.
Is this Seigle? Yes.

How is he?

I think he's dying.
I'll call an ambulance.

Mr. Seigle,
did you see who did it?

It was a man.

It was a man who...

Too late.

Better call the morgue.

Just a second.


It was a big man,
a tall man.

I'd say, uh, 42 long.

Did you notice
anything else about him?

He had a patch
over one eye.


What's your hurry?


He also had one leg
and one arm.

One leg and one arm?

Why didn't you
tell me that before?

You didn't ask me
if he was hard to fit.


Just a few minutes.


When you called me,

you told me you
had information

about the Nude Bomber.

I think...

Who should I call?



Get me a fair deal, Andy,
with Ernest Ainsley.

Oh, Mr. Seigle, you've got to
try to remember!

Now, you said there was this model
that worked for you

that wore a dress with
the same paisley pattern

as the man
in the photograph.

Ah, something
was happening.

Uh, what is this?

The fuckin'
Indianapolis 500?


- Hey.
- Mr. Seigle!

Mr. Seigle, say something!

Vhiplash! Oy!

Watch where
you're goin', fella.

Oh, Doctor.

How is he?
Will he be all right?

I think so. His vital signs
are encouraging,

but he's very weak.

We have to ask him
some questions.

He can't talk.

Can he type?

I'm sorry.
You can't go in there.

Doctor, it is absolutely
vital that we speak to him.

This is an
international emergency.

That man in there
has information

that could determine the fate
of the entire world.


22, do you mind?
Let me handle this.

I've dealt
with doctors before.

Now, look, Doctor,
we want in.



Mr. Seigle...

We desperately need to know
the name of the model

who wore the dress.

Can you help us,
Mr. Seigle?

What did he say?

He asked me to take my hand
out of his groin.

What did he say?

He wants you to put your hand
in his groin.

Mr. Seigle, please,
can you help us?


He's too weak to talk.

He's humming
the information to us.

That's Hello, Dolly.

The model's name
must be Dolly.

Mr. Seigle,
Dolly, Dolly.

This Dolly...
Where can we find this Dolly?

Darn, I know
that tune.

I know it.
I know that tune.

Now, don't tell me.
I know it.

California, Here I Come.

I told you I knew it.

She's somewhere
in California.

Where in California,
Mr. Seigle?

In Hollywood.

Los Angeles.

Los Angeles.

Mr. Seigle, you said you
knew the name of the man

who designed
the paisley dress...

"I wanna be...

"in that number,

when the saints
go marchin' in.

"Oh, when the saints

go marchin' in...

Oh, when the saints go

marchin' in...
"Go marchin' in..."

Well, I want to be..."

Mr. Seigle?

Mr. Seigle!

I'm sorry, but you're going
to have to leave.

Doctor, you've got to give us
a little more time.

I must ask him
one more question.

We've got to find out
what he meant by

When the Saints
Go Marching In.

It's too late.
He's asleep.

Well, at least we have
some information

to feed
into the computer.

We know about Dolly

and we know
about California.

Yes. And we also
know that somehow

KAOS has advanced information
on every action we take.

Well, no matter
how clever they may be,

no one, not even KAOS,
can anticipate my every move.

Nothing on When The Saints
Go Marching In,

but as for Dolly...

Do you have
a make on her?

Subject's full name
is Dolly Francine Winston.

Address... 2211 Beach Avenue
Santa Monica, CA 90402

That's fantastic!

What does she do?

Interesting background.

She traveled with Isaac Stern
as his accompanist

on 20 concerts

Prior to that,
she was a curator

in Pre-Columbian restoration

at the Pyramids
of Teotihuacan.

And she voyaged with
the Cousteau expedition

as a consultant on
bathyspheric pressure studies.

Hmm. What
is she doing now?

She's a tour guide
at Universal Studios.

Well, she certainly
has the background for it.

Well, thank you very much.
You've been very helpful.

Oh, just one more
question, Doctor.


Are you sure this is the right
Dolly Winston?


Why do you ask?

Well, I once knew
a Dolly Winston,

traveled with
the Benny Goodman band.

She was a singer?

She just traveled
with the band.

What happened here?

Ask the landlady.

We're government agents.
What happened?

I didn't see that.

That doesn't look
anything like you.

It's my thumb print.


Was that Dolly?

That was Dolly.
Dolly Winston?

What happened?

A man... a man
with a patch over his eye.

And one arm?
And a limp.

Of course! They knew
we were coming again, but how?

He ripped the room apart.
He destroyed everything.

May we see the room?

It's $300 a month.

Of course, you realize
it's a mess right now,

but once we get it
cleaned up,

I may have to charge
my cleaning fee

a little higher
than usual.

But as a rule,
we're very clean,

and the apartment is
such a mess, we...

And the bathroom
is just down the hall.

You are so lucky.

The plum paisley dress
isn't here.

The plum paisley.
That was her favorite.

But she never
kept it here.

She kept it in her locker
at the studio

for when she went out
on dates right from work.

We got here as soon
as we could, 13.

Who're you working with?

Agent 22 is my backup
right over here.

Hi, 13.

Oh, hi, 22.

Where's the locker room?

Oh, it's over there.

Women only.
I better go get the dress.

I didn't know 22
was your backup.

She's really something,
isn't she?

Yes, she's very nice.

I knew her when
she was married to Agent 78.

22 was married to
the late, great 78?!

Wasn't he
a little old for her?

Well, let's see, 22 was 21
when she married 78 in 72.

78 was 46. That means
78 was 22, 32, 42...

25 years older than 22.

22 joined PITS
when 78 died in 75.

Tell me, 13,
how was 78 killed?

the Numbers racket.

Max, help!

22, are you all right?

He clubbed me.

A man... he grabbed the dress
and... and went out the door.

That way, 22!

Now, there are
rules to movie fighting!

The villain always
gets in the first punch.

I counter with a left,

I get him in the stomach,
toss him in the window...

That's why movie fights
look realer.

Now we have
a little gun play.

After a fist fight, there has
to be a movie shootout.

They're using
real bullets!

You have blundered into
a Cylon Battle Zone.

You are now
our prisoners.

Do not attempt to escape.

Move forward immediately

or we will blast you.

All stations stand by...

Power beams on.

Stand by.

Activate primary thrusters.


Ignition sequence.

All systems ready...
stand by...

Ladies and gentlemen,

we're about to see a close-up
of one of the most famous

structures in
motion picture history...

a house used in the Alfred Hitchcock
thriller Psycho.

You remember the thriller...

Stay all together
and do not stray off...

We've gotta
take this tram.

There are
people on it.

Tell 'em it's
part of the tour.

They could get killed.
So, what?

We're not
charging 'em for it.

This tram
is overloaded.

Tell 'em they
can walk on water.

It's part of the tour.

All right, now,
you're all Israelites.

You're going to go
into the water

and experience
what Moses did.

Everybody up!
One, two, three!

Max, duck!


Your damn vanity could have
led Smart right to us.

Fairly empty accusation

it was you, my dear Nino,
who gave the whole damn dress

to your lady friend.

Smart has seen me.
He should be eliminated.

Yes, I'm afraid
we'll have to kill him...

if he gets too close.

We're getting close, 86.


Nino Salvatori Sebastiani.

Subject was victim
of violent laboratory explosion

which occurred the afternoon
of November 24th.

Wasn't that on
Thanksgiving Day?

That's not important,

Subject sustained
the loss of one arm,

one leg, one eye,
and one turkey.

Told you.

I think what Larabee
is really trying to say

is that the explosion
in the laboratory

took place while Nino was
working on the Nude Bomb.

And Nino Salvatori Sebastiani

could be
the Nude Bomber himself.

Question is, where do we find
Nino Salvatori Sebastiani

within the next... 36 hours?

Uh, this may help.
He was recently divorced

from Edith Von Secondberg.

She's a reputable
fashion designer

currently vacationing
in Innsbruck, Austria.

Well, that's
good enough for me.

Okay, I'm off!

Agent 34?

86, welcome to Innsbruck.

Uh, thank you.

Shall we go?

Fill me in on
Edith Von Secondberg.

She's a famous
fashion designer.

Cherishes her seclusion.

However, she does
like her men.

A bit of charm and you may get
what you want.

Bit of charm, eh?

Well, I've used that weapon
many times before.

If that's what it takes
to get the information,

I may let her
have her way.

And if necessary...

I'll go the limit.


Just our luck!

We gotta run into
a poisonous Achtung.

That means "attention."

Uh, there has been
an avalanche.

Well, what do we do now?

Oh, don't worry.

I'll get us out
in a second.

Meanwhile, why don't you
slip in your ski boots?

Carruthers has adapted them
with your usual equipment.

Now, the road is blocked.

We have to do the rest
of the way on skis.

You know how to ski,
don't you?

I'm gonna try and forget
you said that.

Slip into
those bindings.

If you don't lock them
in place correctly,

they can be very difficult
to get off.

Almost impossible.

They freeze shut.

All set?

I'll be
right behind you.

You're the boss, 86.

What took ya so long?

Oh, boy,
you are fast.

I couldn't even
see you pass me.

Okay, 34, you better
get out of sight.

Let me help you
with your skis.

If it'll make you
feel better.

The bindings are stuck.

They're frozen.
Got a cigarette lighter?

34... listen.

coming to the door.

Get out of sight.

Good luck, 86.

Shh. You mustn't knock.

No noise whatsoever...

or that will come down.

Won't you come in?

We can talk inside.

Wouldn't you prefer
to leave your skis... outside?

In this neighborhood?
Are you kidding?

You're quite witty.

And charming.

Who are you?

My name is Maxwell Smart.

I'm an insurance salesman
from Mutual of Austria...

and I have come here

to sell you
avalanche insurance.


I'm most interested.

Well, I'm preparing
some hot buttered rum.

Would you like
to join me?

Uh, no, thank you.

If you're chilled,
Mr. Smart,

why don't you
stand by the fire?

Oh. Thank you.

There's something I think
you should know, Maxwell.

And what is that?

Your skis are on fire.

Well, in that case,

why don't I
just take 'em off

and, uh, uh...

Let's see.

I'll just...

just put them there
until I'm ready to leave.

You are amusing.

I've tried for years
to get avalanche insurance.

There is no such thing.

What is it
you really want?

That's very perceptive
of you, my dear...

The truth
of the matter is

that I'm not really
an insurance man.

I'm a secret agent,

and I am here on a very
important mission, Edith.

May I call you Edith?

I'd like that...

since that's my name.

You'll find I answer
a lot faster to it

than I would if
you called me Marian.

I'm going to level
with you, Marian.

May I call you Marian?


I'm looking
for your husband.

Do you know where
I can find him?

I don't know.

I haven't seen him
in years.

Were you married to him

when he had his accident?

We were married but...

Well, we weren't
living together.

Things weren't
working out.

Nino became almost
schizoid at times.



Half scientist,
half fashion designer.

He developed
an insatiable desire

to know everything
about my work in design.

And then came Norman.


Tsk. Oh!

I took an out-of-work scientist
and made him a partner.

And what did it get me?

Permathin and Norman.

Who's Permathin?

It's a fabric.

Is that like
a plum paisley?

It could be produced
as plum paisley.

It could be plaid.
It could be plain.

In other words,
it could be anything

that starts
with a "P," right?

Right. If you invested in it,
it could make you poor.

It was prohibitive
to produce.

And who is Norman?

Norman Saint Sauvage.

And I never did meet him.

Norman, uh...

How do you spell
that last name?


That's Saint.

It's pronounced "San."

Of course!

Well, that's what Seigle
was trying to tell us

when he hummed When The Sans
Come Marching In.

Norman Saint Sauvage.

Open up, 86!

It's KAOS!

The avalanche.

Where are they?
They're on a snowmobile.

There's two of them.

KAOS knows every
move I'm making.

There must be
a double agent on our team.

We've gotta
get out of here.

Is there a backdoor?

Through the kitchen.

All right,
you two stay here,

and I'll take care
of them outside.

All right. Nobody move.

All right,
gentlemen, that's it.

This ridiculous
little game is over with.

I advise you
to drop your guns

and put up your hands.


Because at this
very minute, my friend,

this chalet is being
completely surrounded

by 500 Alpine
crack troops.

I find that
hard to believe.

Would you believe
150 Tyrolean ski troopers?

No, we wouldn't.

How about two
Saint Bernards in heat?





Ugh! Ah! Ugh!



You all right?



This is Maxwell Smart.

I'm sorry I can't speak
to you at the moment,

but if at the sound
of the beep

you'll leave
your name, number,

and the approximate
time you called,

I shall return your call
as soon as possible.

I can't believe this.

What is it?

Something's goofy.

This morning we ran
a profile on Saint Sauvage

and found nothing.

And now, suddenly,
we've got something.

I find that
very difficult to believe.

Yesterday, nothing
on Saint Sauvage.

Today, the computer
has the whole story.

There's something very strange
going on around here.

What happened, Doc?

Somebody screwed around
with the computer.

Or there's been
an unprecedented malfunction

which led to an egregious
miscalculation of...

Forget it.

I'll check out
the circuitry.

Norman Saint Sauvage.
Boulder, Colorado.

Age 43. Height 6'2".

fashion coordinator.

That certainly ties in

with the design
and textile business.

Sauvage lived in New York
in 1975 and '76.

Edith Von Secondberg

say that that's where Sebastiani
and Sauvage met?


Looks like
Sauvage is our man.

I don't think
we have any options, 86.

We'll have to fly
to Boulder.

86, don't you think
it's advisable

to take
the whole PITS team?

If it turns out that Sauvage
is the Nude Bomber,

you're gonna need
their expertise and skills.

Good idea, Chief.

Hi, Max.

Did you give it
the once over?

Twice. Somebody
had good reason

for getting you
on this plane.

Left you a little
going-away present.

A going-away bomb.

It's set for 5,000 feet,
and bon voyage.

Well, that clinches it.

Whoever doesn't show up
for this flight

is the double agent.

Well, who do you
think that is?

Girls don't
understand baseball.

I'll tell you
at checkpoint seven.


Well, who
do you suspect?

Agent 36.

How do you figure?
It's really quite simple, 13.

She knew about Seigle,
she knew about Dolly Winston,

and she knew about
the Von Secondberg trip.

I'm sorry to say this,

but Agent 36
is the double agent.

Hi. I came early
to set up my equipment.

On the other hand,
it could be the Krovneys.

Those two innocent teenagers
are vicious KAOS killers.

Hello, 36.

Pam, do you have the file diskette
load F-C-R-T-F?

It could be Carruthers.

86, it's Carruthers.

Are you gonna be
in there long?

I'll be right out,

How about Larabee?

He knew every move
you were about to make, too.

Max, come on out.

Give Carruthers a break.
It's an emergency.

Well, 13...

that takes care
of about everybody on board.

With one exception.


Agent 22.

I can't believe it.

I don't wanna believe it.

There's nothing else
I can do.

She's the only
one left, 13.

I like her.

Well, 13...

there's no room for sentimentality
in this business.

Oh, I'm sorry
about that, 13.

Oh, that's all right.

22 is not on board.

Well, I'll tell you why
she's not on board.

It's something I've suspected
for a long time.

What's the
factual data, 86?

22 is...

Sorry I'm late!
always sorry she's late.

Boy, am I glad
to see you, twenty...

Oh, there you are.
I'm glad to see you, 22.

Let's take off, Max.

No, Larabee.

This flight is canceled.



Hello, Max.
Oh, it's you, 22.

Good. Anything yet?

Well, we're
working on it.

Well, did you seal the airports
and the Amtrak?

We worked around that, too.

Well, any news yet?

I'm waiting word
from the President.


Well, you can
call me here, 22.

From here on in, I'll be working out
of the apartment.


Not for long, Max.

I underestimated you, Max.

When did you first
get suspicious?

It really wasn't that
difficult to figure out.

You knew about Seigle,

you knew about Dolly,

and you knew about
the Von Secondberg trip.

But the real clincher
was when you sent me to fly

the unfriendly skies
of KAOS.

It's been nice
working with you, 86.

Where would you like it?

Uh, how about Cincinnati?

Very funny.

Good-bye, Max!

Watch out, Larabee,
it's not the Chief!

May I see your
license please?

Now, look, Officer...
Is this your desk?

Uh, yes, it is my desk.
60 miles an hour

is pretty fast for a desk, isn't it?
It is?

Yup. Uh, look, Officer,
I'm a government agent.

I'm after a defector.

Hey, Mac! Where
did you get your license?

Yeah, you!



Ahh! Don't
let go please!

I won't if you tell me
where I can find

and Saint Sauvage.

I don't know!

And I don't know
how much longer

I can hold onto you.

Oh, uh,
the Pocono Mountains!

Mount Thimble!

But don't tell 'em
I told you.

They'll destroy me.

Don't worry.
I won't tell them.

Can I have
your word on that?

You've got my word.


Sorry about that, Chief.

The President has requested
more time from the U.N.

They are going
to give it to him.

And that's
dangerous for us.

Smart knows too much.

Why all this
stupid waiting?

Let's drop the bombs!

That suits your purpose,

but not mine!

Get it out of your head
once and for all.

We are not turning the world nude
so you can dress them

in your Norman
Saint Sauvage look.

I'm in this for money,
not applause!

You're jealous of me.


Of you?

And you're beginning
to exhaust my patience.

I am beginning to exhaust
your patience?

Who do you think
you are?!

If it weren't for me,

you wouldn't be sitting
behind that desk.

You wouldn't exist!

Oh, but I do exist.

And as for you,
that's no longer true.


How long will it take you
to have the bombs

prepared for launching?

All the bombs, sir?

Yes, all the bombs.

Countdown for total launch
is 2 hours.


Start your countdown
procedures immediately.

We've landed
totally undetected

thanks to my genius
in creating

the noiseless Shushcopter.

Look, there it is!

That's the second
biggest zipper I ever saw!

It's unzipping!

Don't look, 22!

No telling what's liable
to come out of that thing.

It's a magenta alert.

We launch the bombs
in 15 minutes.

15 minutes?!

Carruthers, radio our position
to PITS Central.

Tell them to send in
the Task Force

and to have them get here
faster than possible.

All right, 22.

We've got to
invade that zipper

before the mountain's fly

Come on.

All right, all right.
No need for any rough stuff.

It's The Chief.
How can that be?

When the pulled him
from the manure truck,

he had two broken legs.

He's in a
Washington hospital

under heavy guard.

22, there's
something very strange

going on around here.

Which way
shall we go?

I don't know, but we can't afford
to get lost.

This place
is full of labyrinths,

and they all
look exactly alike.

You're right.
Of course I'm right.

Why, I once knew an agent

who went into the Pentagon Building
in Washington

and was lost
for three days.

Three days?!

I can't believe anybody
could get that confused.

Well, let me see.

I went in on a Tuesday

and I came out on a Fri...

Max, I don't
understand it.

If the Chief
is working with Sauvage,

then why is he a prisoner?

I don't know, 22.

The whole thing
is crazy,

but there must be
some explanation.

Indeed there is!

Please come in.

Well, thank you
very much,

but we were
just leaving.

We'll take those guns.

You wanna stay
for a little while?

I don't care.
It's up to you.

Please come in, Mr. Smart.

Make yourself comfortable.

We're in trouble.
What'll we do?


Sit down please.

Thank you.

Well, this is certainly
a very pleasant

and unexpected

I'm sure there
is a good reason

why you have invaded
my mountain.

Okay. Let's hear it.

You're indeed
an incredible man.

Here you are
completely in my power

and yet you manage to keep
your sense of humor.

All right, Sauvage.

Let's cut out
all the small talk.

I'm here
to make you a deal.

Give up this mad scheme,

turn over
the Nude Bombs to me,

disband KAOS,

make a public apology,

and I will see to it

that you are
executed immediately

to avoid a long stay
in a dirty, filthy jail cell.

Well, that's my deal.
What do you say?

Well, what's your answer?
I'm waiting.

You won't have to
wait too long, Mr. Smart.

In five minutes,
I will release the Nude Bomb

and rid the earth of all
its unsightly, gauche fabric.

And then I, being
the only source of clothing,

become master of
a shivering, groveling,

naked mass of humanity,

thereby gaining
absolute control

of every living man, woman,
and child on this earth.

Well, that's a very
pretty speech, Sauvage,

but it has one
great flaw in it!

What's that?

Uh, what's that?

Yes, well,
I'm not quite sure,

but if you would run through it
one more time,

I think I could spot it.

You're a strange man,
Mr. Smart.

I'm strange?!

Listen, fella.

Anyone that runs around
with pantyhose over their head

and tries to make
the whole world nude,

that's strange.

Let's face it, Sauvage.

You're not playing
with a full deck.

Your bogus

is straining
my equanimity.

Could you put that
another way?

You're pissing me off.

Yes. Well, there's no need
to get hostile about it, Norman.

Uh, may I call you Norman?

No, you may not.

No, I may not.
Eh, Norm?


Uh, yes, well,
perhaps you're right.

does breed contempt.

Well, Mr. Saint Sauvage, sir,

let's look at
a couple of facts.


Supposing you do
get four billion

shivering, groveling,
bare-assed subjects...

a fashion plate like yourself

would wanna design
clothes for them

so that it would reflect
your own good taste.

Let's face it, my friend.

Good help, nowadays,
is hard to find.

I've taken that
into consideration.

Madame Rose?

There is my answer...
Madame Rose.

The world's
greatest seamstress.

She's going to make clothes
for four billion people?

Boy, is she in
for a lot of overtime.

Madame Rose, pass through
the Clonatorium.

Instant cloning?

Yes. When I need them,

there will be a room
full of Roses.

That's fantastic.

One goes in,
two comes out.

I gotta get
one of those machines.

I wonder what
they go for...

Declone yourself.

Thank you, Madame Rose.

Now it's time
for you to witness

history in the making.

I'm going to set off
the Nude Bomb

and introduce to the world
Norman Saint Sauvage.

There is no
Norman Saint Sauvage.


This isn't
Norman Saint Savage.

This is
Nino Salvatori Sebastiani.

Release him. Stand back.

You're very clever,
Mr. Smart.

And you are
very careless.

You yourself
gave me the answer.

Your vanity led you to demonstrate
the cloning machine.

And then it came to me
in a flash.

The Chief
was captured, cloned,

and returned to PITS
as a double KAOS agent.

After that,
it was fairly simple.

If Nino could clone
The Chief,

then he could clone himself.

And that's exactly
what he did.

And after cloning himself
and creating you,

Mr. Norman Saint Sauvage,

that's when the explosion
in the laboratory took place,

leaving the
original Sebastiani

with a squint,
a gimp, and a limp.

Mr. Norman Saint Sauvage,

I wouldn't be too smug,

because to use the terms
of your own trade,

"you're nothing
but a knock-off."

A cheap copy.

Where is the
original Sebastiani?


You killed him!

I merely discarded
an imperfect mold

and preserved
the product...

its first and finest

Well, Mr. Smart,

I underestimated you.

You're not a complete fool
after all.

Almost. Very close.

But not complete.

your luck has run out.

It's a pity that one
so young and pretty

must die.

Well, thank you, Sauvage,

but I'm not afraid to die.

Max, I think he means me.

The girl has a choice.

She may die with you

or stay with me
and join KAOS.

Well, what
do you think, 22?

Max, there can
only be one answer

to a question like that.

There can
only be one answer

to a question
like that, Sauvage.

What is that answer, 22?
Max, I'm staying with you.

That's the answer
to a question like that.

Too bad.

If you'll excuse me
for one minute,

I'm now going
to fire my missiles.

Initiate all
prelaunch programs.

Prepare phase one.

All crew ready areas.

Let's hustle it up, ma'am.

Code blue. Code blue.

Prepare for launch!

Go through your
underground checklists.

You stay here.

They're on their way,
Mr. Smart.

In four minutes,
these missiles will

reach their destination
and strike the world nude.

Now, Mr. Smart,

I have one last
delightful launch to perform.













Sorry about that...



22, are you all right?

My legs are numb.

Well, don't worry, 22.

I'll have you out
of here in no time.

Put your arms
around my neck.

Atta girl.




What are you doing, Max?

The Fireman's Carry.


22, where are you?

I'm over here.


Max, I'm starting to get
some feeling down there!

We've got no time
for that, 22.

No. I mean my legs!

If I let you up,
will you walk?

If you let me up,
I will dance.

Chief! Are you
all right, Chief?

I'm fine.
What about you two?

We're okay.
How did you get loose?

Well, my guards
deserted the mountain.

Where's Sauvage?

He got hung up.

Max, this mountain
is gonna blow up any second!

Let's go!

Mission's over, Max.

Listen, there may be some fallout
from that Nude Bomb.

We better get out of here.

Don't be ridiculous,

There is no fallout
from a Nude Bomb.

Fallout from a Nude...

♪ You're always there
when I need you ♪

♪ I can count on you
all right ♪

♪ If the world would end,
I'd just call you ♪

♪ And you'd fix it
overnight ♪

♪ If I wanted the sun,
I bet you ♪

♪ Would deliver it to me ♪

♪ You're always there
when I need you ♪

♪ And I need you constantly ♪

♪ These are dangerous days
we're living in ♪

♪ And many times
I feel like giving in ♪

♪ But I never, never do ♪

♪ Instead, I turn to you ♪

♪ You're too smart
to be true ♪

♪ You're always there
when I need you ♪

♪ Heaven must have
sent you here ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Somehow you make
disasters disappear ♪

♪ You make every
little feeling ♪

♪ There is nothing
that you won't try ♪

♪ You're always there
when I need you ♪

♪ And I'll need you
till I die ♪

♪ Oh, I'm gonna
need you, baby ♪

♪ You're always there
when I need you ♪

♪ I can count on you
all right ♪

♪ If the world would end,
I'd just call you ♪

♪ And you'd fix it overnight ♪

♪ If you wanted the sun,
I bet you ♪

♪ Would deliver it to me ♪

♪ You're always there
when I need you ♪

♪ And I need you constantly ♪

♪ Don't you know
I need you, baby ♪

♪ Yes, I do ♪

♪ I'm gonna need you, baby ♪

♪ Gonna need you, baby ♪