The New Guy (2002) - full transcript

I hear you're having troubles.
No wonder! Look at you.

You wanna change your life
so you come to hear the story.

High school popularity
ain't a contest, it's a war.

Dizzy Harrison is its greatest casualty.

See, his story is really my story.

Because behind every so-called hero...

is a little pissed off dude
that don't get no credit!

We have to go back a ways.

Even as a small child, Dizzy Harrison
had his own particular style.

As you can see,
I didn't have a lot to work with.

I hurt myself!



Things didn't get any better from there.

As the years went by,
he got taller, whiter, skinnier.

First day, senior year.

And we're gonna be the top dogs.

- I wish I'd drowned this summer.
- We all do, Kirk.

We'll always be blips.

- Blips?
- We're barely on the radar!

- Not this year. We're seniors now.
- I'm with Dizzy on this one.

It's never too late to make a change.

Full metal jacket.

Dad, put those away!

You're such a dork!

I say we bail. Home schooling?

- My dad could teach drinking.
- Nobody bails, bands stick together.



Guys, relax.
Music has the power to transform.

- There's some pain.
- Good luck, son!

Yo, Blip? Little help?

I'll never get used to that.

Can anyone help me?

Get out of the way!

- You're not going to talk to her.
- That is Tina Ass-Good, man!

Like a wood elf versus Al'Kabor.
You'll get power leveled!

We're not playing EverQuest,
we're on Earth.

Speak for yourself.

I'm going in.

Take that.

I know I can do this.

- Tina!
- You are?

Dizzy.

- You gonna help me, or what?
- Yeah!

You got to know your...

It's very technical.

A blip is talking to Tina Osgood.
Look at my boy!

Didn't they tie you up last year
and make you wear rubber breasts?

You remember! That's really sweet.

I imagine God having an ass like that.
Did that sound gay?

I've been thinking, we're seniors now...

and maybe sometime,
if you wanted to drink coffee...

near me...

I would pay.

- Truthfully?
- Yeah.

- You're not my...
- Type.

You know those moments when a man makes
a decision that'll change his life...

and he steps up to become the hero
he was meant to be?

This ain't one of those moments.

I thought about this type thing.

To be honest, you're not my type either.

Did you think that'd work?

No, but I thought it was worth
giving it a shot.

You know something?

Yo, freak! What are you doing?

Talking. Innocent conversation.

Innocent? Then what's this?

- Oh, my God! That's disgusting!
- Loser, nice pup tent!

We need to cover you up.

What is this?

Mrs. Whitman! It's my...

It's mine now!

Is this a weapon? You can't bring
loaded weapons to school!

You're tearing the skin!

My deal!

I'm showing this to Principal Zaylor.

Cut it out!

I know what you're thinking.
It's not medically possible.

But let me ask you this. Are you a doctor?

I have good news.
Your son's condition is treatable.

What condition?
The fact that I can pee around a corner?

- Watch your mouth.
- He can't help it.

What's wrong with Dizzy,
in medical terms...

it's called Tourette's syndrome.

Tourette's syndrome?

- Are you out of your fucking mind?
- Language, son.

You won't cure him with force, Papa Bear.

It's going to take a lot of hugs
and a lot of drugs.

Only take one of these a day. Nice pack.

There he is.

Diz?

They gave me these pills
for my Tourette's,

but they're not working.

Come on, it's not that bad.

Not that bad?

At least as blips...

we were invisible.

You break your dick
in front of the whole school...

people remember that.

His life is ruined.

I mean, I'm an idiot.

I'll never be able to go back
to school again.

I need more of these pills.

How can you be depressed with all this
beautiful church music playing?

Yes, yes, yes!

Thank you, brothers and sisters
of the Sunshine Gospel Choir.

Very stirring. Very hip.

- Amen!
- Yes, yes, yes.

Now, do the rest of you young people
know what else is hip?

Sexual abstinence.
Can I get an amen on that?

Amen!

- Glory hallelujah!
- Glory hallelujah!

- I said, glory hallelujah!
- Glory hallelujah!

Glory hallelujah!

Ladies and gentlemen...

brothers and sisters...

I'd like to talk to you all about sex!

- The devil's middle name, sex!
- Amen!

Do you know what the best form
of sexual abstinence is?

Being me.

- Can I get an amen?
- Amen!

Do you wanna talk about some pain?
Let me hear you!

- That boy's got the spirit!
- He's an idiot!

Has a member of the opposite sex
ever told you you're not her type?

Let me hear you shout "Amen"...

if you ever had duct tape
ripped off your naked buttocks!

Let me hear you shout "Amen"

if you ever had
your manhood right-angled...

in front of the entire congregation!

Now let me hear you shout "Amen" up high.

- Amen!
- Let me hear you shout "Amen"!

Diz was in pain. He was in trouble.
He needed guidance.

He's about to get a lesson in bad,
from the best in the business.

What happened to Paco?

- I got no answer to that question.
- Back up. The new man is mine.

Not the crazy eyes, Luther.
I was just messing.

Been looking at my Janet?

No. No way.

Eighteen years and 41 days,
it's me and you, baby.

Okay, I'm scared.

Guard?

Relax, white boy.

What'd you do to get in here?

I'm not really sure.
I've been heavily medicated lately...

and the last thing that I remember
is my dad dropping me off at school.

- You in high school?
- Yes.

I still get chills thinking about it.

Fish sticks!

I've officially become
the biggest loser at my school.

I don't think I'll be going back there.

It's okay.

I know what you mean.

- I see that.
- I was the bitch at the last prison!

I remember, they strapped me
to a chair with duct tape...

- in a dress.
- With makeup?

- And fake rubber breasts.
- Rubber breasts!

My brother...

come on over here and sit down.

A high school...

it's a lot like prison.

Bad food, high fences.

The sex you want, you ain't getting.
The sex you getting...

you don't want.

I've seen terrible things.

Yesterday, an 80-year-old librarian
broke my penis.

You win.

How did you change things?

I got myself thrown out of the last prison
and I started fresh here.

That worked?

Watch this.

That's what I gotta do.
Switch prisons and start over.

You gotta tell me what you did
to get kicked out.

The first thing I did...

is broke all the rules.

I can break all the rules.

- Then I started acting crazy.
- Yeah! I can act all crazy.

I grabbed a broken mop handle
and snapped it across the warden's butt.

I don't have to do this alone.
Let's all get expelled together.

- That's okay. You can go.
- What about you, Glen?

No, I talk big,
but I'm not as tough as I look.

Okay, here we go.

What are you thinking, Mr. Harrison?

You know, you're right.
What am I thinking?

Everybody, the answer
to number 23 is Guam.

- Thanks, Broke-wood.
- Mr. Luberoff?

Plenty more where this came from
at finals time.

My Lord, Dizzy! Cheating, bribery?
Those are grounds for expulsion!

Or an obvious cry for help.

What's Broke-wood doing?

That's Principal Zaylor!

You're a fighter!

Try this!

Shit it! Shit it! Say mercy!

You're almost at the head of the class!

And, cut!

This is the part of my job I hate.

Expelling people?

No, silly.
We're going to double your medication...

increase your therapy,
and you may have to stay another year.

Loser, how's it hanging?

That toilet-cam was your best work ever.

Looks like I'm stuck here
for the rest of my life.

Or am I?

- Hey! Hey!
- What are you doing?

Halt!

Did you just break that mop? Give me that!

Yes!

You destroyed school property.
You're expelled.

Yes!

- I did it. I busted out.
- I knew you had it in you.

- Ready to be Luthercized?
- Preach, my brother!

I'm gonna take you from bitch to bull.

You wanna get a reputation
at your new school...

you'll have to crack open heads, day one.

Find the biggest, baddest cat
and whup his ass!

- Make sure everybody sees him go down.
- Everybody sees him go down. Got it.

You know, some people are born
with that knowledge.

- Like Barclay.
- Who's Barclay?

He's the bully at my last school.

He might be born with it
but with my insights, street smarts

and knowledge of every action movie,
we're gonna perfect it.

Don't worry about that. Happens every day.

Same cat. Never gets away. Come on.

First thing you do is gouge
the dude's eyes out

so he can't see to fight.

Hey, this kid's in high school.

Then you're going to want to fight dirty.
All right, set your feet.

Spread your palms.

Tiger Claw!

Are you sure it's not Tiger Paw?

Tiger Claw! Now you're ready!

Just watch my hands.

Grab some rope.
You gotta build some muscle.

You act like you can't get up there.

Motivation is on the way.

Yes, indeedy, feed the needy.
There you go!

Luther, what are you doing?

- Get up there! That's it.
- What's that burning? It's me!

Just roll around. You'll be all right.

If you can't act tough,
you gotta look tough.

Butch up, girlie-pants!

- Got a sec?
- What?

Phone call for you, warden.

My wife again?

I'll never get tired of that.

You talk the talk,
you gotta walk the walk.

Otherwise, you'll be lined in chalk.

Let me introduce you to somebody.

The Funkmaster.

Somebody, give me a beat!

Them crazy eyes?

Like someone hits you in the head
and your eyes almost jump out your skull!

Try it!

This is the
"Brother, where my money" walk.

Where it at?

About to bust a cap. About to bust a cap.

Flare your nostril up!
You gotta open them up.

So everybody can see the rocks,
the boogers up in there.

Loosen the ass.

That's too loose.

They'll play you like a bitch,
you gotta hit them with the bitch first!

Like, "Who's the bitch now?"

Watch this.

Try it. Try it!

Who's the bitch now?

Half Brad Pitt Fight Club,
half Anne Heche If These Walls Could Talk.

For your student ID.

Your new driver's license.

This one's for the Player's Club.

That ain't right.

Really cock it! You know what I'm saying?
Cock it! Fire! Cock it!

Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!

Tiger Claw!

Dude, pretty nice.

Now you ready for your new prison.

Mascot, you dropped your bagpipe.

- Thank you.
- Suck on that, pal!

Have a nice day!

This place is a zoo!

He did say 12:30.

So where is he?

What the hell is that?

Good luck, kid.

Flip him!

Back in the truck!

Is that...

Diz?

Oh, my God!

He's got kind of a...

Brad Pitt thing going there.

From bitch to bull, baby.

I saw a little Anne Heche there too.
Does that sound gay?

"Find the biggest, baddest mother
in the yard, and knock his ass out."

Lift your knees, maggots!

Maybe we'll win
one sorry-ass game this year!

I'm gonna puke.

Use it. Keep looking
at the horse's ass and run!

Biggest and baddest.

More cheer, less pole dance.

Don't want guys stuffing bills
down your panties.

What panties?

Don't I have a dreamy boyfriend?

Make sure everybody sees him go down.

Careful.

You mind if I sit down?

Wrong level, bitch.

Bitch, say what?

I think we got a serious problem here.

If it's you, there's no prob...

Dude, what's with you?

Who's the bitch now?

You guys might want to come
scoop up your friend.

Shit!

Oh, God!

What are you doing?

Knocking you into the hall
and me into the history books.

Who's the bitch now?

You've gotta be kidding me!

Who's the bitch now?

Coming through!

Look out! Coming through!
Take your hat off in school!

Let's have a round of applause
for Conner Maguire.

Everyone?

Come on. Everyone? You!

Come on. Don't be shy!

Stop it, all of you!

Hello, son.

I told you last time, you start something,
you're what? You're gone!

Well, my friend,
looks like it's last call.

Last call?

He didn't start it. I did.

- Who the hell are you?
- I'm the new guy.

- How's the nose?
- Shut up!

Look at that freak,
sitting on top of the tower.

- Move!
- We should unroll the welcome mat.

I should go kick his ass.

I've dreamed of dating the expelled guy.

Expelled guys rock!

Later.

Later.

You're not going over there.

I wasn't.

Now I am. Later.

She just dissed you.

Dude, shut up!

Hey, new guy. Got a name?

Harris, Gil Harris.

I'm Courtney, that's Carmen,
that's Danielle.

How do you like
our little slice of paradise?

I gotta tell you...

it's nice to be somewhere without bars.

You were in jail?

Did they give you
a full body cavity search?

Forgive my friends.
They get shy around strangers.

My fault, I talk too much.

That's hot.

There's a party tonight at my house,
if you can come.

I don't make plans.

Not my style.

We love you, Rocky Creek!
We're here all week!

We love Texas and we love you too!

So I'm guessing it went well?

In ten minutes, the first 18 years
of my life completely changed.

- They bought it?
- Things have changed.

You made it to the 50th level of Kunark.

Better. I got invited to a party.
Dizzy Gillespie Harrison.

- Excuse me while I do the bugaloo!
- Slow down, funky white boy.

Did they invite you, or Gil Harris?

Listen, the point is nobody stuffed me
in my locker or singed off my ass hair.

- Please.
- No offense.

Are you saying these chicks party
on a school night?

Courtney does.

That is without doubt
the sluttiest girl I have ever seen!

- I know. Isn't it great?
- You have to do her.

And while you're with her, think of me.
Okay, that sounded gay.

Courtney is expecting Gil
at the party tonight.

She's right, how would Gil Harris party?

The question is, how would Gil
get jiggy with this chick

and make her say, "Who's your daddy?"

- While respecting her as a woman.
- Diz, you ready for this?

- My dad loves this bike more than me.
- That's not true.

No, it is. He wrote it
in my birthday card.

So please be very careful.

This is a vintage flat track racing bike.

It's very powerful.

You have to know what you're doing.

Stand back.

I'll start it for you.

Remember, I won't always be around
to do that for you.

Courtney got Tony Hawk
to come to her party?

There's nothing cooler than that!

That dude's crazy.

Hey, man! These are Dockers!

I made it.

Bush!

Hey!

- Courtney, did you see that Indy 360?
- Tony, please.

Randy, did you see that Indy Three?
I could do it again.

Have any trouble finding the house?

Well, aren't you the strong, silent type?

- Well, I...
- Wanna come upstairs with me?

Wanna make out with me?

Wanna take my clothes off with your teeth?

Okay, you talked me into it.

Aren't you coming?

Almost.

- Courtney is such a slut.
- You dated her for two months.

It was four.

You wanna dance, new guy?

Know why I like it out here?

- The view?
- No, because of all these people around.

Doesn't it turn you on,
knowing we could be caught at any moment?

Yeah, well, that does
make things interesting.

Wanna make out?

Okay.

I forgot something.

Ready for dessert?

Gil?

Hello?

- What's the matter?
- I can't believe it.

- What happened?
- Gil blew me off.

- Sucks to be you.
- Carmen, put it away.

Honey, I knew that boy was trouble.

I know what you're thinking,
"He's too good-looking for me."

¿Hola, habla inglès? Hello!

- Where'd you come from?
- Exercising. Got a problem?

No, it's cool.

- What does that hit... lats, tris, bis?
- These are bat-curls, for the abs.

Cool! Did you really blow off Courtney?

You can tell us.

- You blow her off?
- I didn't exactly blow her off.

Stop right there.

Any dude who disses Courtney must date
the most outrageous women on earth!

- Hey, what can I say?
- "What can I say?" You are the man!

You are the man!

I say you're a fraud.
I don't think you've been with anyone.

Yeah, you're right.

She's not just anyone.

- This babe's got it all!
- Yes, she does.

I bet she knows how to make a guy happy!

I'd love to stay and chat...

but Josefina's waiting for me.

You're not going anywhere.

Don't make me do crazy eyes.

Josefina. Exotic! ¡Me gusta Josefina!

Guys! Don't you see what's going on here?

Yeah, to get chicks,
we gotta work on our abs!

Let's go. Come on!

- Come on, up.
- Ready? One, two...

I got it! Check me out, baby! Bat-wings!

- Hey, chump change, get down!
- Bat-wings, baby!

Watch, everyone!

That bike won't even start.
He trashed it when he landed.

Please start.

It's a full-time job
trying to save his butt.

I almost got laid!

Did he say, "brake"?

I almost got laid!

Waiting up for me?

- Yes, we are.
- We?

Hi. Hey.

- Dad, what is Miss Pierce doing here?
- Kiki's here to help.

- With what?
- An intervention.

We're surrounding you with love.

Now sit.

Okay. Dramatic change in appearance,
lack of communication...

altered patterns of behavior.

What're you on?

Is it crystal meth?

Is it the crank?
Are you riding the white pony, son?

No, I'm not on drugs, Dad. I'm happy.

For the first time in
I can't remember when, I'm happy.

It occurs to me to tell you
that denial is not just a river in Egypt!

Look, son, it's all my fault.

I was so worried about alarms going off
at work, I missed the ones at home.

I'll make it up to you.

I'm quitting my job
so we can be together 24/7.

- How will you pay the mortgage?
- I'll sell the house.

Dad, do not, I repeat, do not do that.

There's no way for you to understand this.
But when things get truly bad,

you got to make a drastic change.

Completely revamp everything in your life
to get what you want.

I do understand. I'm not sick.

I'm revamped!

It's very sweet.
Underneath the Tourette's and the crank...

he still wants to be like his daddy.

- I'm so on to you.
- You are?

You pretend
you're not part of this school,

but you like being a badass.

- You caught me.
- And that's why I want to use you.

Okay, but only for a couple of years.

Come to the football game
this weekend. Nobody shows.

It's more acceptable to drink and puke
than it is to watch a game.

It's hard work, not caring.

If you show up,
maybe some of these other fools would.

I'm in.

What?

My grandmother's Albanian.
It means, I owe you one.

- What's that about?
- Just asking the new guy a favor.

What could you need from him?

Just things I'm not getting elsewhere.

Come on, East Highlands! Okay, ready?

Danielle finally dragged you to a game.

I'm not at the game, I'm with you guys.
I just like to watch her jump around.

Yeah, right!

- Ride him, cowboy!
- Will you shut up?

Man, that's not funny.

Come on, East Highland!
Come on, people. Guys?

Hello?

One. One, two, three.
Two. One, two, three.

This is bullshit! We haven't won
in five years. Let's forfeit.

- We're dead anyway.
- Ten, hut!

He's out of his mind.

Dead? Did you say dead?

All this hoo-hah about being dead
and not wanting to fight

is a load of crap!

Did we give up
when Pearl Harbor was bombed?

Didn't that movie make money?

We didn't give up then,
and we're not going to give up now!

American high school students
traditionally love to fight!

All real football players
love the sting of battle!

The only thing we have to fear is...

fear itself.

What is wrong with you people?

Where's the hunger?
Where is the school spirit?

Washington High? We're gonna beat them!

Lincoln High? We're gonna beat them!

Harding High?

We're gonna beat them.

Yes!

- Let's do it.
- Let's do it!

That's my goddamn horse!

Hit them high, hit them low!

Break!

- Yes!
- Touchdown! Touchdown!

How about that, Highlander fans?

That's our first victory
since the last Bush was president.

We won a game!

Can you believe it?
We actually won a game!

Go, Highland!

What the hell's going on?

You're insane, but thank you.

- How'd you learn to say "you're welcome"?
- From an Albanian chat room.

- You're impressed by a guy on a horse?
- No, because he showed up for me.

Let's go.

- She just dissed you again.
- Dude, do you ever shut up?

- Most guys would never go shopping.
- Well, I'm not most guys.

You did say swimsuits, right?

Thank you! Thank you!

Sorry about that.
I've been in prison a long time.

- Now this is real music.
- If I listen to this, I'll get you?

That's what I'm talking about. All right.

Danielle, I didn't see you come in.

Hey, Emily.

How's it going?

- Great. How about you?
- Great.

Hey, do you have the new Creed CD?

Yeah, I'll check for you.

- Who's that?
- Emily. We used to be friends.

- What happened?
- I started dating Conner,

- you know how things go.
- I understand.

Come on, you're not the type
who'd drop your friends.

- Time to go!
- I'm shopping here!

You've been listening to this song
for hours! You're squatting!

Listen, bro, I've had a bad day,
so squat on this, pukeface!

- That's it!
- Seth, you're not a bouncer anymore.

- You've moved up.
- Who can toss her better?

- Would you relax?
- Come on, I'm sick of this!

- Diz, you made it!
- Perfect timing.

I thought you never check
the EQ message boards.

Gil, do you know these people?

No.

Let's go.

We've found a pair of balls.
Wait, there's a name here.

Dizzy Harrison,
pick up your balls and scrotum.

That's balls and scrotum, at counter five.

You know what? I have all these.

That's my microphone!

Oh, no. Please don't!

Harris, get your punk ass in here!

- What are you doing here?
- You stole my horse, maggot!

You know the penalty in this state
for stealing another man's horse?

Death?

This isn't Iraq, son.

But I can tell you,
it's probably a hefty fine!

You know what this is?

It's a bill for manure clean up,
resodding the football field.

To top it off, somebody urinated
all over Mrs. Campanella's rose garden.

That was me, sir.

And you wanna know something else?

It was all worth it!

Come here! Come here!

That was our first victory in five years,
and it's all because of you!

I love you more than
my own good-for-nothing son.

Sit down, take a load off.

We got a homecoming dance coming up
in a month and it has been the most...

God-awful experience
for everyone involved.

Right, Coach?

You have any ideas on how we might
turn this thing around?

- Good music.
- Music!

Hey.

That is a fantastic idea, son.
You see that? Hey!

What kind of music?

The only music worth being called music.
I'm talking about the funk.

Hello, singing?

We can't play funk without a bass line.

Or black guys.

We'll find someone. We don't need Ditz.

You don't? So somebody else
is getting you paying gigs?

We headline at homecoming in two weeks.

- Someone talking to us?
- I don't hear anything.

It's Diz. What's wrong with you people?

I was an asshole at the mall.

World-class asshole.

They're scouting me for Asshole Olympics.
I'm carrying the torch.

Come on, you guys, I'm sorry.

I got no good excuse for what I did.

It's not easy being the big bull.

You're the big bullshit!
Gil's the big bull.

- Yeah, but that's me.
- Is it?

So, what makes you any different
from any other high school thug?

- Quit it!
- It wasn't me?

- Then who was it?
- Him.

Hi, guys. Ed Ligget. Tuba!

The marching band is collecting bottles
for the homeless.

Ironically, taking away their only job.

Any donations would be appreciated.

You know what the homeless need?

A midget.

Why would they need a midget?

Shut up!

Hey! Quit it!

What a throw.

Little Ed, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm from a rodeo family.

You remembered my name.

Come on.

- What's Gil doing?
- He's taking him up the tower.

Ed Ligget's gonna get
his little ass kicked.

Who's that little dude?

Hey, Conner.

What did Ed ever do to you?

All right, freak.

We don't call people that here.

Danielle?

She's going down there with the geeks!

- Emily.
- Danielle.

- Look, Emily...
- I know.

- You backed him instead of me?
- Caught that?

Bullshit! My girlfriend's
supposed to back me up!

You're right.
Your girlfriend should back you up.

Find one.

I don't need you! I could have anyone!

Look, man.

I'm sorry, me and the guys
pissed in your tuba.

You did?

- Yeah.
- I thought it tasted funny.

Another win for the Highlanders!

Mark's gonna help you pass trig.

You don't remember me, do you?

"Stop! Please!
Your ass is crushing my head!"

Was that you?

Highland wins again!

Damn! That's what I'm talking about!

I'd like to introduce you
to a few old buddies of mine.

Hi, I'm...

Hawk.

And I'm...

Apache.

- Hawk, Apache and I...
- Were in prison together.

Mostly in the shower.

Can you just smell the playoffs?

Before I met Gil,
I'd have looked at you and walked away

wiggling my ass to show what you missed.

Yeah, well, the universe is upside down.

And in a few minutes, you will be, too.

I finally understand the song.

Touchdown!

Unbelievable!

We're going to the State Championship!

The Highlanders are on fire!

Little spill.

Remember...

turn, don't burn.

I want you to know
that when you go off to college,

me and this house...

- roll with you.
- Dad.

Do not, I repeat, do not do that!

Just roll around, Dad,
you'll be all right.

We're closed.

Hey, it's okay. He's with me.

You're really good!

Best part of working here.
I ride the bull for free.

And I get good tips for wearing
a bandanna as a shirt.

Watch it, hoodlum.

That's Estelle. She must like you.

Hi, Estelle.

Hi.

Don't mind Estelle.
She's like my big sister. She worries.

- What could she worry about?
- That I'll end up like my mom.

Working days here
and raising three kids by myself.

I didn't know that.

It's hard to keep track
of the white trash clichés.

I'm not worried.

- You're not?
- No.

- That's a relief. You want a pad?
- For what?

- Estelle!
- Look.

If I can do what I've done,
you can do anything.

- I wish I had your confidence.
- Don't ever wish that.

Why? You know exactly who you are.

But you don't know who I am.

Before I came to East Highland...

You get good distance
with the skinny ones.

Are you okay?

That's just it.

I'm not...

They killed Paco.

- Paco?
- Paco!

Black Spiders.

- See this tattoo?
- I don't need to hear it.

There's things about me I need to tell
that you won't like.

It doesn't matter! Anything in your past,
I don't need to know.

Let's just think about now.

But I'm really Dizzy.

So am I.

She is going to college, punk!

Hey, lady, nobody's stopping her!

That's a buzz-kill. Night, Estelle.

- Ready for State Finals?
- All I do is ride a horse.

I'm worried. Those Drillers can be brutal.

The Drillers?

Rocky Creek High. You know where it is?

I do.

Look, Danielle.

I can't go to that game.
I hate that school.

Wait a minute. How can you not come?

It's complicated.

I hate it, too,
but if you don't show up, nobody will.

Please, don't bail now.

Let's welcome our undefeated
defending State Champions...

the Rocky Creek Drillers!

And from East Highland High...

the Highlanders.

I can't believe those kilt-wearing wussies
aren't gonna show up.

Hold!

What's going on?

Kirk, you're falling behind.
Come on, hurry! Go, go!

What a miraculous, momentous occasion
in Highlander history, sports fans!

With eight ticks left on the clock,
the score is tied, 24 all!

The Drillers are at the 50-yard line.

There's only time for one last play!

If the Highlanders can stop the Drillers,
we're looking at overtime!

Who's that little dude?

- Let's go, Highland!
- Let's go, Highland!

This is the biggest day
for Texas Five-A football

since Johnson killed Kennedy!

Come on, Highland!

Highland! Highland!

You understand what's going on?

Their team isn't killing us,
their fans are!

Put your heads in the game
and concentrate!

We got a split left quick toss,
29 on one-on-one. Duncan gets the ball.

No way, asshole! Not Duncan!

My team, my game,
my championship, my ball!

Just do your job, and I'll do the rest!

Watch the back!

Red, 71, down!

Go, Rocky Creek!

Get out of here, Rocky Creek!

Defense! Defense! Defense!

Fumble!

Go!

Highland wins!

This is for you, son.

Thank you.

Go Highland!

No!

Is that...

Hi!

Hey, Dizzy dipshit!

Where are you?

Yo, dipshit!

How you doing, buddy?

How's it going?

- Who is he?
- Just an old friend.

A friend of Gil is one of mine. Travis.

- Lonnie.
- Pete.

Ed Ligget, tuba. How you doing, man?

- Better now.
- What's wrong with you?

- So I tossed a freak.
- We discourage name-calling here.

- What do you want?
- You stole my championship, asshole!

If you must talk like that,
I'll have to ask you to leave.

I'll leave as soon as I tell
the truth about your leader.

- We know he was in prison.
- Prison? Are you shitting me?

All right, buddy-boy!
That doesn't fly around...

Okay, you guys, back it up.

This is my fight.

Oh, baby! Come on, make my day!

Get him!

I'm gonna go rodeo on your ass!

Take this! And this!

I wanna know what you know.

Someone spread the word about our band.

- That was us.
- But half of Rocky Creek is here.

What? How did they hear?

- Hey, guys. Check this out.
- Creed?

What idiot would fall for this?
There's a menu on the other side.

Anybody know where the VIP room is?
Excuse me, ladies? Hello?

Thank you. Who did that?

- Hey, fat-ass.
- Quiet, Billy.

Hi.

I didn't think I'd live to see us win
the State Championship.

Quiet!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Suburban Funk!

We can do this.

Ladies and gentlemen, Creed...

will not be here tonight.
Repeat, will not be here.

And drop curtain.

Cue.

Mrs. Whitman, it's my...

- It's mine, now!
- No...

Yo, East Highland, you know Gil Harris.

Hey, Rocky Creek,
you remember Diz Harrison?

Guess what, folks?

Gil and Diz are the same guy.

He made fools of you.
You don't believe me, ask him yourself.

Maybe for once, he'll tell the truth.

This sucks! What's going on?

- Hey!
- Nora, it's all right.

I can handle this.

I can explain.

- Let the brother speak!
- Luther.

Not just Luther. Spiders.

You play my kind of music.

Out of the way, Red.
I've been in the pen a while.

Everything you saw on that screen
was completely...

true.

They're right. I'm a liar.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Actually, I do know what I was thinking.

I was trying to become something more than

just a blip on the radar screen.

So, I made someone up.

Someone I thought you'd all like.

And all because I cared more about
what other people thought of me...

than what I thought of me.

But I bet I'm not the only person here
who's ever let that happen.

What is this?

- Broke-dick, Broke-dick!
- Broke-dick, Broke-dick!

Better come scoop up your friend.

Move it!

Anybody got a staple gun?

Who's the bitch now?

- Diz! Oh, my God, you're bleeding!
- My nose.

The crowd, they're animals!

No, animals are kinder. They don't boo
when they're killing something.

Diz, you are amazing.

- What was that for?
- Can't I appreciate you?

You're scaring me. What's going on?

You've inspired me.

I have to do something
I've wanted to do a long time.

I have to let somebody know
how I feel about him.

You know, Nora...

Better than PlayStation 2?

Now it is.

- Yo, I guess it's me and you.
- And us.

And me.

Would you two get a room?

I'm sorry.

- I don't know what to call you.
- Broke-dick seems to be popular.

You're the biggest liar I've ever met.

You're right, I'm a liar.

They called me "Dan the Man."

What?

That was before I lost the braces
and grew boobs.

Then I became "Danielle the Body."

I dropped all the friends I had
because they looked like the old me.

And very selfish and mean,

but I just wanted so badly to fit in.

Been there.

Do you even ride the motorcycle?

Yeah, actually I do.

But it usually takes a station wagon
or a bush to stop me.

So, what do we do now?

Don't ask me. The last plan
I had blew up pretty badly.

No kidding.

So, you see...

I saved his narrow behind.

And he got to kiss the girl.

I hope that inspires you.

It has. It's taught me a lot.

It's easy for a man like me to forget
what most slobs will do to get a woman.

My fault, I talk too much.
That really did burn me, sorry.

Oh, God!

- You okay?
- No, he clipped it.

That's why I wanna use you.

- You staring at my Janet?
- No. No way, man!

Can we do that again?
He couldn't understand what I said.

I'm sorry, that sucked!

Look at that!

Don't yell for mercy.

Oh, God, I blew the line.

Check me out! Bat-wings!

Cut! Cut!

I need three gallons of mineral water...

16 martini olives...

and enough hummus
to cover this beautiful girl's body.

You got that?

Who's the bitch now?

Hey, man. You got a smoke?

How you doing?

- Better now.
- Okay, cut.