The Music Man (1962) - full transcript

All aboard!

Let him go, Orville.

We made it plain we don't want

no more traveling salesmen in Brighton.

Credit is no good for a notions salesman.

How far you going, friend?

Wherever the people

are as green as the money...

...friend.

-What's the matter with credit?

-lt's old-fashioned.

You're an anvil salesman.

Your firm give credit?

-No, sir!

-Nor anybody else!

River City next station stop.

River City, lowa!

[TRAIN SQUEAKING THEN BANGING]

[SINGlNG]

Cash for the merchandise

Cash for the buttonhooks

Cash for the cotton goods

Cash for the hard goods

Cash for the fancy goods

Cash for the soft goods

Cash for the noggins and the piggins

And the firkins

Cash for the hogshead

Cask and demijohn

Cash for the crackers

And the pickles and the flypaper

Look, whaddya talk?

Whaddya talk, whaddya talk?

Where you get it?

You can talk, you can talk

You can bicker, you can talk

You can bicker, bicker, bicker

You can talk, you can talk

You can talk, talk, talk, talk

Bicker, bicker, bicker

You can talk all you want to

But it's different than it was

No it ain't, no it ain't

But you got to know the territory

It's the Model T Ford made the trouble

Made the people want to go

Want to git, want to git

Want to git up and go

7, 8, 9, 1 0, 1 2, 1 4, 22

23 miles to the county seat

Yes, sir! Yes, sir!

Who's gonna patronize a little bitty

2 by 4 kind of store anymore?

-Whaddya talk? Whaddya talk?

-Gone, gone

Gone with the hogshead cask

And demijohn

Gone with the sugar barrel

Pickle barrel, milk pan

Gone with the tub

And the pail and the tierce

Ever meet a fellow

By the name of Hill?

Hill?

-Hill!

ALL: No!

MAN: Just a minute

Just a minute, just a minute

Never heard of any salesman Hill

-He doesn't know the territory

-Doesn't know the territory?

-What's the fella's line?

-Never worries about his line

Or a doggone thing

He's just a bang-beat, bell-ringing

Big haul, great go-neck-or-nothing

Rip-roaring

Every-time-a-bull's-eye salesman

That's Professor Harold Hill

Harold Hill

What's the fella's line?

What's his line?

He's a fake

And he doesn't know the territory

Look, whaddya talk, whaddya talk?

Whaddya talk, whaddya talk?

He's a music man

-He's a what?

-He's a music man

And he sells clarinets

To the kids in the town

With the big trombones

And the rat-a-tat drums

Big brass bass

Big brass bass

And the piccolo, the piccolo

With uniforms too

With a shiny gold braid on the coat

And a big red stripe running

Well, l don't know much about bands

But I do know you can't make a living

Selling big trombones

No, sir!

Mandolin picks, perhaps

And here and there a jew's-harp

No, the fella sells bands

Boys' bands

I don't know how he does it

But he lives like a king

And he dallies and he gathers

And he plucks and he shines

And when the man dances

Certainly, boys

What else?

The piper pays him

Yes, sir!

When the man dances

Certainly, boys

What else?

The piper pays him

ALL:

Yes, sir!

Yes, sir!

But he doesn't know the territory!

[TRAIN SQUEAKING THEN BANGING]

CONDUCTOR:

River City!

Station stop, River City.

Just crossed the state line into Iowa.

Population River City: 2212.

Cigarettes illegal in this state.

If you're all through

I'll tell you about this Harold Hill.

Say, you know Hill?

Never saw him in my life. But l just

been run out of town because of Hill.

He's giving every one of us a black eye.

You go into town to call on the trade...

...and they're waiting for you

with tar and feathers...

...to ride you out the city limits on a rail!

How you account for that?

It's this Hill! He goes around

selling band instruments and uniforms...

...and instruction books by guaranteeing

to teach the kids to play.

-Stands to reason.

-And organize them kids into a band...

...with himself as the leader.

What's wrong with that?

He don't know one note...

-...from another!

-Heh-heh.

That's what's wrong!

He don't know a bass drum

from a pipe organ.

He's a bare-faced, double-shuffle,

two-bit thimblerigger!

And l'll catch up with him

one of these days.

When I do l'll have

the law on him quick!

Territory's tough enough

without him fouling up the nest.

I'd like to be around

when you catch up with him.

I'm not apt to catch up with him in lowa.

Not on your kidney plaster!

He's too smart to pull

that flimflam out here.

Not on these neck-bowed Hawkeyes.

[MAN LAUGHS]

Gentlemen, you intrigue me.

I think I'll have to give Iowa a try.

-l didn't catch your name.

-l didn't drop it.

Sir--?

[DOG BARKlNG]

Fine-looking animal.

For a horse, yeah.

Good morning. Could you kindly

direct me to the center of town?

Runs right down the middle

of the street.

[COW MOOS]

Friend, where would l find a good hotel?

Try the Palmer House in Chicago.

I'm a stranger in town.

What do you folks do for excitement?

Mind our business.

[SINGS]

You are in Io-way

At least now l know how

to pronounce it.

I thought you preferred lo-wuh.

We do.

But he just said lo-way.

We say it now and then.

But we don't like anybody else to.

BOTH:

We are from lo-way

I know.

Well, you folks certainly do know how

to make a body feel at home.

Oh, there's nothing halfway

About the Iowa way to treat you

When we treat you

Which we may not do at all

There's an Iowa kind of special

Chip-on-the-shoulder attitude

-We've never been without

-That we recall

ALL: We can be cold as

The falling thermometer in December

If you ask about our weather in July

And we're so by-God stubborn

We can stand touching noses

For a week at a time

And never see eye to eye

ALL: But what the heck

You're welcome

Join us at the picnic

-You can eat your fill

-Of all the food you bring yourself

ALL:

You really ought to give Iowa a try

Provided you were contrary

Good morning, Mayor Shinn.

ALL:

Good morning, Mayor Shinn.

It is if you want to go around

in your drawers all day.

ALL: We can be cold as

A falling thermometer in December

If you ask about our weather in July

And we're so by-God stubborn

We can stand touching noses

For a week at a time

And never see eye to eye

But we'll give you our shirt

And the back to go with it

If your crop should happen to die

So what the heck

You're welcome

Glad to have you with us

BOTH: Even though we may not

Ever mention it again

ALL:

You really ought to give Iowa

Hawkeye lowa

Dubuque, Des Moines, Davenport

Marshalltown, Mason City

Keokuk, Ames, Clear Lake

Ought to give Iowa a try

Mr. Squires. Yes.

I'm interested in a rig for Sunday.

Then you ought to see the man

in charge of hiring rigs.

Rigs?

MAN:

Riggs? Ain't nobody here by that name.

Marcellus!

Marcellus Washburn!

Gregory!

[LAUGHS]

Of all the people to run into in lowa!

Gregory!

Shh. Hill's the name this trip.

Professor Harold Hill.

Why didn't you tell me you were coming?

I didn't know l was, myself.

I never thought l'd find a slicker

like you here in the sarsaparilla belt.

This is where I work.

-You mean you live in this town?

-Yeah. I like it too.

It's not Brooklyn, New York.

Not the city of homes and churches but--

Brooklyn?

Marce, this isn't even Dubuque.

Hey. Are you hiding out or what?

Just not as light on my feet as I used

to be when l was shilling for you.

You're in a business that got

a lot of close shaves.

I got a nice job now.

I got a nice girl.

Ethel Toffelmier.

That's the boss's niece.

So you've gone legitimate, huh?

I knew you'd come to no good.

What are you selling now?

I heard you were in steam automobiles.

-l was.

-What happened?

-Somebody actually invented one.

-No!

So now l'm back at the old stand.

Not boys' bands?

They got no call for boys' bands

in this town.

Anything Iowa folk don't have

they do without.

They got music?

They got a gramophone down

to the barber shop.

And a stuck-up librarian gives piano.

-Gives piano?

-A maiden lady.

She'll expose you

before you unpack this bag.

Maiden lady librarians who give piano

are a specialty of mine.

Just point her out

the minute you see her.

Yeah. l'll back her into a corner

and breathe on her glasses.

[CHUCKLES]

Thar she blows!

I'll do it but I won't like it.

[CHUCKLES]

That's not the librarian.

That's Mrs. Shinn, the mayor's wife.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Good afternoon, Mrs. Shinn.

Don't change the subject.

Something the matter?

The same thing is the matter as is

always the matter here. Look!

Is this the sort of book

you give my daughter?

This Ruby Hat of Omar Kay-ay-ay--

I am appalled!

I did recommend it.

It's beautiful Persian poetry.

It's dirty Persian poetry.

People lying out in the woods

eating sandwiches.

Getting drunk

with pitfall and with gin.

Drinking directly out ofjugs

with innocent young girls.

-No daughter of mine--

-Mrs. Shinn.

The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam

is a classic.

It's a smutty book, like most of

the others you keep here, I daresay.

Honestly, Mrs. Shinn.

Wouldn't you rather have your daughter

read a classic than Elinor Glyn?

What Elinor Glyn reads

is her mother's problem.

Just you keep your dirty books

away from my daughter.

You sure picked yourself a town.

Let me take you over to the hotel.

Not sure l'm going to stay yet.

First l got to find a way to get into

some of these lowa boodlebags.

Greg, it ain't easy.

All I need is an opening.

You remember the pitch. What can I use?

What's new around here?

The other day a farmer brought in

an egg had 3 yolks in it.

Was in the paper.

That's exciting, all right.

No, what do you talk about?

There's the weather, of course.

When it's in season.

Now, Marce, I need some ideas...

...if I'm going to get your town

out of the serious trouble it's in.

River City ain't in any trouble.

We'll have to create some.

Must create a desperate need

in your town for a boys' band.

Why is everyone rubbering

into the billiard parlor?

MARCELLUS:

They just got in a new pool table.

HAROLD:

They must have seen one before.

No. Just billiards.

That'll do it!

Just sit where you are.

And remember...

...if you see that music teacher....

Are you Mr. Dunlop?

Either you're closing your eyes to a

situation you don't wish to acknowledge...

...or you are not aware

of the caliber of disaster...

...indicated by the presence of

a pool table in your community.

[SINGING] Well, you got trouble, my friend

Right here, I say

Trouble right here in River City

Why, sure, I'm a billiard player

Certainly mighty proud to say

I'm always proud to say it

I consider that the hours l spend

With a cue in my hand are golden

Help you cultivate horse sense

And a cool head and a keen eye

You ever take and try to give

An ironclad leave to yourself

From a three-rail billiard shot?

But just as I say

It takes judgment, brains and maturity

To score in a balk-line game

I say that any boob

Can take and shove a ball in a pocket

And l call that sloth

The first big step on the road

To the depths of degrada-- l say first

Medicinal wine from a teaspoon

Then beer from a bottle

The next thing you know your son is

Playing for money in a pinch-back suit

And listening to some big

Out-o'-town jasper

Hearing him tell about

Horserace gambling

Not a wholesome trotting race, no

But a race where they set down

Right on the horse!

Like to see some stuck-up jockey boy

Setting on Dan Patch?

Make your blood boil?

Well, I should say!

Now, friends

Let me tell you what I mean

You got 1 , 2, 3, 4

5, 6 pockets in a table

Pockets that mark the difference

Between a gentleman and a bum

With a capital B and that

Rhymes with P and that stands for pool

And all week long your River City

Youth'll be frittering away

I say your young men'll be frittering

Frittering away their noontime

Suppertime, chore time too

Get the ball in the pocket

Never mind getting dandelions pulled

Or the screen door patched

Or the beefsteak pounded

Never mind pumping any water

Till your parents are caught

With the cistern empty on a Saturday night

And that's trouble

Yes, you got lots and lots of trouble

I'm thinking of the kids in the

Knickerbockers, shirttail young ones

Peeking in the pool hall window

After school

You got trouble, folks

Right here in River City

Trouble with a capital T and that

Rhymes with P and that stands for pool

Now l know all you folks

Are the right kind of parents

I'm going to be perfectly frank

Would you like to know what kind of

Conversation goes on

While they're loafing around that hall?

They'll be trying out Bevo

Trying out Cubebs

Trying out Tail or Mades

Like cigarette fiends

And bragging all about

How they're going to cover up

A telltale breath with Sen-Sen

One fine night they leave the pool hall

Headin' for the dance at the Armory

Libertine men and scarlet women

And ragtime

Shameless music

That'll grab your son

Your daughter, with the arms of

A jungle animal instinct mass-teria

Friends, the idle brain

Is the devil's playground, trouble!

CROWD: We got trouble

-Right here in River City

With a capital T and that rhymes with P

And that stands for pool

We've surely got trouble

Right here in River City

Got to figure out a way to keep

The young ones moral after school

Our children's children

Gonna have trouble

Mothers of River City,

heed that warning before it's too late.

Watch for the telltale signs

of corruption.

The minute your son leaves the house...

...does he rebuckle his knickerbockers

below the knee?

Is there a nicotine stain

on his index finger?

A dime novel hidden in the corn crib?

Is he starting to memorize jokes

from Captain Billy's Whiz Bang?

Are certain words

creeping into his conversation?

Words like....

Like "swell."

And "So's your old man."

If so, my friends....

You got trouble

Right here in River City

With a capital T and that rhymes with P

And that stands for pool

We surely got trouble

Right here in River City

Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock

And the Golden Rule

Our children's children

Gonna have trouble

Oh-ho, we got trouble

We're in terrible, terrible trouble

That game with the 1 5 numbered balls

Is the devil's tool

Oh, yes, we got

Trouble, trouble, trouble

-With a T

-With a capital T

Got to rhyme it with P

And that stands for pool

Remember, my friends, listen to me

Because I pass this way but once!

-Did you drop your--?

-No.

-Didn't I meet you in--?

-No.

I'll only be in town a short while.

Good!

[PIANO PLAYlNG]

[PLAYS OFF-KEY]

Hello, Mama.

Keep on, Amaryllis.

I'll be there in a minute.

[PLAYS OFF-KEY]

That's fine, dear.

Now on with your exercises.

Library open later

than usual tonight, dear?

It always is, Mama.

Mama, a man with a suitcase

followed me home.

Oh? Who?

I never saw him before.

Did he say anything?

He tried.

Did you say anything?

Of course not, Mama.

Now don't dawdle, Amaryllis.

[SINGlNG]

So, do

La, re, ti, me

A little slower

And please keep the fingers curved

As nice and high as you possibly can

Don't get faster, dear.

It wouldn't have hurt you...

...to have found out

what the gentleman wanted.

I know what the gentleman wanted.

What, dear?

You'll find it in Balzac.

Excuse me for living,

but I never read it.

Neither has anyone else in this town

There you go again

With the same old comment

About the low mentality

Of River City people

And taking it all too much to heart

Now, Mama, as long as the....

Madison Public Library

Was entrusted to me

For the purpose of improving

River City's cultural level

I can't help my concern that

The ladies of River City

Keep ignoring

All my counsel and advice

But, darling!

When a woman has a husband

And you've got none

Why should she take advice from you

Even if you can quote

Balzac and Shakespeare

And all them other

Highfalutin Greeks?

If you don't mind my saying so

You have a bad habit

Of changing every subject

No, I haven't changed the subject

I was talking about that stranger

-What stranger?

-With the suitcase

Who may be your very last chance

Do you think that I'd allow

A common masher? Now really, Mama!

I have my standards

Where men are concerned

And l have no intention--

I know all about your standards

And if you don't mind my saying so

There's not a man alive

Who could hope to measure up

To that blend of Paul Bunyan,

Saint Pat and Noah Webster

You've concocted for yourself

Out of your lrish imagination

Your lowa stubbornness

And your library full of books

[BANGS KEYS]

Well, if that isn't

the best l ever heard!

Thank you.

Can l have a drink, please?

-May I--?

-May I have a drink, please?

Yes, you may.

[PIANO PLAYlNG]

[DOOR CREAKS]

Hello, Winthrop.

Winthrop, it's after dark, dear!

I'm having a party on Saturday.

Will you please come?

It's going to be a very nice party.

And l'd especially like it if you'd--

Amaryllis asked you to her party.

Are you going or aren't you?

-No.

-No, what?

No, thank you.

You know the little girl's name.

I'll bet he won't say it.

"No, thank you," who, Winthrop?

[SPEAKING WITH A LlSP]

No, thank you, Amaryllith!

"Amaryllith"!

[AMARYLLlS LAUGHS]

[WlNTHROP SOBS]

He's crying!

[WlNTHROP SOBS]

Hello, Winthrop.

Winthrop, you didn't even

say hello to your sister.

He hates to say Amaryllis

because of the lisp.

He's ashamed.

We know all about his lisp, Amaryllis.

Why should he get so mad at people?

Just because he lisps?

-That's just part of it.

-What's the rest of it?

Never mind, dear. It's just that

he never talks very much.

Not even to you and your mother?

No, but we have to be

very patient and understanding.

I'm patient.

I even say good night to him

on the evening star.

Every night.

Good night, my Winthrop.

Good night.

Sleep tight.

[SOBS]

And he never says anything to me.

Oh, darling, don't cry.

You'll have lots of time

for sweethearts.

If not Winthrop,

there'll be someone else.

Never! I'll end up an old maid like you.

I'm sorry, Miss Marian.

Can l play my cross-hand piece?

-May I--?

-May I play my cross-hand piece?

Yes, you may.

If a girl doesn't have a sweetheart...

...who's she going to say good night to

on the evening star?

For the time being, you can just say:

"Good night...

...my someone."

You can put the name in

when the right someone comes along.

All right. lt's better than nothing.

Yes, it is.

Now you can play your cross-hand piece.

[PLAYING "GOOD NlGHT MY SOMEONE"]

Good night, my someone

Good night, my love

Sleep tight, my someone

Sleep tight, my love

Our star is shining

Its brightest light

For good night, my love

For good night

Sweet dreams be yours, dear

lf dreams there be

Sweet dreams

To carry you

Close to me

I wish they may

And I wish they might

Now good night, my someone

Good night

True love can be whispered

From heart to heart

When lovers are parted, they say

But I must depend

On a wish and a star

As long as my heart

Doesn't know who you are

Sweet dreams be yours, dear

lf dreams there be

Sweet dreams

To carry you close to me

BOTH:

I wish they may

And I wish they might

Now good night, my someone

Good night

CHORUS [SINGlNG]: O Columbia

The gem of the ocean

The home of the brave and the free

The shrine of each patriot's devotion

A world offers homage to thee

Thy mandates make heroes assemble

When liberty's form stands in view

Thy banners make tyranny tremble

When borne by the red, white and blue

Thy banners make tyranny tremble

When borne by the red, white and blue

[SINGS OFF-KEY]

[APPLAUSE]

I'm sure we're all grateful

to my wife...

...Eulalie Mackecknie Shinn,

for leading the singing.

[APPLAUSE]

And to Ethel Toffelmier...

...our fine player piano player...

...piano.

[APPLAUSE]

As mayor of River City...

...l welcome you River Citi-zeeans...

...to the Fourth of July exercises set

up indoors here in Madison Gymnasium...

...account the weather being so chancy.

[CROWD MURMURlNG]

Fourscore--

[LOUD WHlRRING]

[WHlRRING STOPS]

Fourscore--

Ah.

The members of the school board will

now present a patriotic tableau.

[CHATTERlNG]

Oh. Oh. The members of the school board

will not present a patriotic tableau.

CROWD:

Oh.

Some disagreement about costumes,

I suppose.

Instead the Wa Tan Ye girls...

...of the local wigwam of Hiawatha...

...will present a spectacle. My wife.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

In which my wife, Eulalie Mackecknie

Shinn, will take a leading part.

[APPLAUSE]

[PIANO PLAYlNG]

[CROWD CHATTERlNG]

EULALIE: I will now count to 20

in the Indian tongue.

[EULALIE CHANTlNG]

[GROUP CHANTlNG]

[CHANTING]

[EXPLOSlON]

Ah! l'm shot! Ho-ho!

[EULALIE YELLlNG]

[CROWD CHATTERlNG]

Who set off that firecracker?

Tommy Djilas did it. Tommy did it!

Yes, Tommy Djilas.

Tommy Djilas, l wouldn't leave

if l were you.

Mrs. Shinn...

[CHATTERlNG STOPS ABRUPTLY]

...will recover.

[CHATTERlNG RESUMES]

No thanks to a certain young ruffian

who is a disgrace to our city.

Fourscore...

...and seven years ago our--

The Paine's Fireworks Spectacle,

"Last Days of Pomp-ee-eye"...

...will take place at 9:30,

providing it isn't raining.

It'll be over at the Madison Picnic Park

in the far meadow.

-Across the creek from the pest house.

-What's all this talk about rain?

The Gazette predicted fair!

That's why we prepared for a storm.

My paper's accurate

most of the time, Jacey.

I wouldn't last long

in the banking business...

...being accurate most of the time.

[ARGUING]

Will members of the school board

stop bickering in public?

Never mind!

Fourscore--

-We heard there's a pool table in town!

-That's what I heard.

SHlNN: Just a minute!

-ls it a pool table or isn't it?

Allow me to get on with the exercises.

We don't want any more exercises until

we get this pool table matter settled.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

Let's protect our children!

We've got to protect our children!

Resist sin and corruption!

[CHATTERlNG CONTlNUES]

Let's smite that devil

and keep our young boys pure!

Pure boys!

Folks, listen.

May I have your attention, please?

Attention, please.

[SINGlNG]

l can deal with the trouble, friends

With a wave of my hand, this very hand!

Please observe me if you will

l'm Professor Harold Hill

And l'm here to organize

The River City Boys Band

[IMITATES DRUM ROLL]

Oh, think, my friends

How can any pool table

Ever hope to compete

With a gold trombone?

[IMITATES TROMBONE PLAYlNG]

Remember, my friends

What a handful of trumpet players

Did to the famous

Fabled walls of Jericho

Oh billiard parlor walls

Come a-tumbling down

Well, a band'll do it, my friends

Oh, yes, l said a boys' band.

Do you hear me?

I said River City got

To have a boys' band

And I mean she needs it today

Well, Professor Harold Hill's on hand

River City's going to have her boys' band

As sure as the Lord made

little green apples.

And that band's going to be in uniform:

Johnny, Willy, Teddy, Fred!

You'll see the glitter

of crashing cymbals...

...and hear the thunder of rolling drums

and the shimmer of trumpets. Tam-tada!

And you'll feel something akin

to the electric thrill I once enjoyed...

...when Gilmore...

...Pat Conway, the great Creatore...

...W.C. Handy...

...and John Philip Sousa...

...all came to town

on the very same historic day!

[SINGlNG]

76 trombones led the big parade

With 1 1 0 cornets close at hand

They were followed by rows and rows

Of the finest virtuosos

The cream of every famous band

76 trombones caught the morning sun

With 1 1 0 cornets right behind

There were more than a thousand reeds

Springing up like weeds

There were horns

Of every shape and kind

There were copper-bottom timpani

In horse platoons

Thundering, thundering

All along the way

Double bell euphoniums

And big bassoons

Each bassoon

Having his big fat say

There were 50 mounted cannon

In the battery

Thundering, thundering

Louder than before

Clarinets of every size

And trumpeters who'd improvise

A full octave higher than the score

Whoo!

76 trombones hit the counterpoint

While 1 1 0 cornets blazed away

To the rhythm of Hark! Hark! Hark!

All the kids began to march

And they're marching still right today

[WOMEN CHUCKLlNG]

There ain't nothing like a brass band

to stir a fella up.

When I hear them trombones....

It's them peck horns that really does it.

I bet you Estherville

ain't got anything like it.

Or even Des Moines.

I'll stake my River City band

against any town west of Chicago.

What band?

Honestly! A bunch of grown men.

Along comes this fly-by-night salesman

and you're all taken in.

She's right.

The man's a by-God spellbinder!

I haven't seen people so excited since

Frank Gotch and Strangler Lewis...

...lay on the mat for three and a half hours

without moving a muscle.

Oh, but that was exciting!

Never mind!

Men, this calls for emergency action.

I want that man's credentials.

Grab that hoodlum!

He almost blew up Mrs. Shinn.

Great honk! Let me go!

Much obliged.

Have to make an example of this one.

Everything the ringleader does

the gang does.

You wild kid, you!

Hanging around my oldest girl.

His father is one of them Nithelanians.

-You wild kid, you!

-What'd l do?

-Tagging after my oldest girl.

-l wasn't either tagging.

Don't contradict me!

We was just walking together.

Great honk!

Watch your phraseology. l know what

you was doing. Little Gracie seen you.

Stay away from my oldest or you'll hear

from me till who-laid-the-rails.

I'll talk to you Monday morning about

this band thing. Here in City Hall.

Ten o'clock sharp.

[DOG BARKS]

Now, constable!

I'll be responsible for him.

This kid's tough. Probably got

his gang waiting around the corner.

I'll be careful.

Tommy, I want to talk to you

about the band.

Gee, professor,

that's for the little kids.

No, not about playing in the band.

Aren't you mechanically minded?

Did you ever do anything with...

...perpetual motion?

Yeah. l nearly had it

a couple times.

You did? Well, you're my man.

Do you realize no one has ever

invented a music holder...

...for a marching piccolo player?

There's no place to hang the music.

Great honk! Where can I get wire?

Look in your cellar.

That's where people keep wire.

Oh, Tommy.

Yes, sir?

Constable, I'll show you

how to break up a gang.

Young lady!

Miss, what's your name?

Zaneeta.

I didn't have any idea you was

beckoning to me. Ye gods!

-Do you know Tommy Djilas?

-Well--

Now, Tommy, this is Zaneeta.

Escort the young lady home.

Only I'm not going home.

I have to go to the library.

Ye gods!

Then escort the young lady home

by way of the library, uh-huh...

...by way of the Candy Kitchen.

Yes, sir.

Do I have to?

Oh, you have to.

Yes, sir!

Ye gods!

Professor.

You're a bright young fella,

only you made a couple mistakes.

-Oh?

-The mayor owns that billiard parlor...

...and that new pool table.

You don't say?

What was my other mistake?

That Zaneeta.

She's the mayor's oldest girl.

[WHlSTLES]

[PEOPLE CHATTERlNG]

Good evening, ladies.

[WOMEN GlGGLlNG]

Just a minute, Professor Hill.

Sorry, we're the school board

and we need your credentials.

-Academic certificates.

-Nothing of the kind!

We need letters and papers.

Make him put up a bond.

What am I hearing?

You, sir.

[PLAYS NOTE]

[SINGS IN A LOW VOlCE]

Say "ice cream"

-lce cream. But I don't sing--

-Talk, then.

HAROLD:

Down here

Ice cream

Ice cream.

Talk slow

Ice cream

You see? Singing is just....

Sustained talking

Now you, sir.

Ice cream

Now you, sir.

Now you, sir!

Ice cream

[CROWD CHEERS]

From now on you won't see one of

those men without the other three.

Professor, you're wrong.

Why, they've hated each other

for 1 5 years.

MEN:

Ice cream

Ice cream

[LAUGHlNG]

Go ahead, Mom.

I'll be there in a minute.

[CHATTERlNG]

How can there be

Any sin in sincere?

Where is the good in goodbye?

[SUSTAINlNG NOTE]

Your apprehensions confuse me, dear.

Puzzle and mystify

Tell me

What can be fair

ln farewell, dear?

Why one single star shines above?

[SUSTAINlNG NOTE]

How can there be any sin in

Sincere?

Aren't we sincerely

ln love?

[SUSTAINlNG NOTE]

[FlREWORKS POPPlNG]

-l don't suppose you live alone or anything--

-No.

-l have wonderful caramels at the hotel--

-Mr. Hill.

Oh, please, please!

Professor Hill.

Professor? Of what?

What college gives a degree

for accosting women...

...like a rowdy at a public dance hall?

I wouldn't know.

I'm a Conservatory man.

Gary, lndiana.

Gold Medal class of '05.

Even should that happen

to be true, Mr. Hill...

...l am not as easily mesmerized

as some people in town.

It's only fair to tell you

I'm not impressed by your credentials...

...which I've not seen,

nor your manners, which I have!

[WHlSTLlNG]

HAROLD:

It's a golden key, as it were.

Your key to the magic world of music.

None of our family's ever been

what you'd call musical.

Madam, that you do not know.

Now the main thing is imagination

and proper instruction. Ah!

You, young man, repeat after me.

[BLOWS]

[SINGlNG]

I love music, Mommy

[SINGS BADLY]

I love music, Mommy

Now you, young man.

Me too, Mommy

[SINGS BADLY]

Me too, Mommy

Madam, it's amazing!