The Muse (1999) - full transcript
What happens when a screenwriter (Brooks) loses his edge, he turns to anyone he can for help... even if it's the mythical "Zeus's Daughter" (Stone). And he's willing to pay, albeit reluctantly, whatever price it takes to satisfy this goddess, especially when her advice gets him going again on a sure-fire script. However, this is not the limit of her help, she also gets the writer's wife (MacDowell) going on her own bakery enterprise, much to the chagrin of Brooks, who has already had to make many personal sacrifices for his own help.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
SHEPHERD: This evening
we are very proud
to honor a gentleman
who's written over 17
motion pictures.
Many of them having dealt
with the human condition.
This gentleman was nominated
for an Academy Award in 1993
for his motion picture,
McCormick Place.
Tonight,
along with the other
distinguished artists,
we are proud to
award this year's
Humanitarian Prize
to Mr. Steven Phillips!
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Congratulations.
Thank you very much.
You know, I would not
even be here tonight
if it wasn't for my family.
My beautiful wife, Laura,
my daughters,
Mary and Julie.
Without their
love and support,
God knows, I...
I'm sure I would be
down on Western Avenue
in some seedy bar.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Not that I'm not
going there anyway.
It's just I'll drop
you guys off first.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Being a screenwriter
in Hollywood
is... It's a lot like
being a eunuch in an orgy.
The only difference is,
the eunuchs get to watch
and I'm not even invited
to the set.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I really don't know
how to thank you.
I... I do appreciate it.
As soon as I get home,
I'm going to
put this up there
on the mantel
with the other ones,
and that will make
a total of two.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Thank you very much.
And I'm king of the room!
Thank you.
This looks like a penis.
What did you say?
What?
Where did you learn
that word?
From Howard Stern.
You're not supposed
to be listening to him.
Why is she
listening to him?
No more FM.
That's off-limits to you.
They say that word
on AM, too.
Then no more radio
of any kind.
Never listen to
the radio again.
What's wrong
with "penis"?
I don't want to
hear that word, girls.
Unless we're in
a doctor's office.
That word is off-limits
to the family.
So, when do you start
shooting the new one?
Well, first they have to
give me a go,
and then they'll do
the casting.
What's a go?
It's when they say "yes,"
sweetheart.
When do you think
you'll hear?
I should have
heard already.
Probably this week.
So, who is going
to be in it?
I don't know.
Can I star in
the movie, Daddy?
Yes, darling,
as soon as you're
an older man.
STEVEN: Good night.
Good night.
Congratulations, Daddy.
I love you.
I love you.
I'm so happy
you were there.
Me, too.
It was really important to me.
Don't stay up too late.
Okay.
Good night, baby.
Daddy, what exactly
is a humanitarian?
It's someone who's
never won the Oscar.
Go to sleep.
Hello, hello.
Hello.
Josh read your script,
and he's ready to see you.
How did he sound?
He sounded great.
Hey, Steven.
Come on in.
Oh. Nice.
Nice couch.
Did you see
Saving Private Ryan?
No, I didn't.
That's the couch
they used in the picture.
Oh.
I love to get props
before anybody else does.
You know,
it's sort of like
a collecting thing.
Someday all this stuff
is going to be
worth a fortune.
Gee, does Paramount
let you take all this stuff
when you leave here?
Who says I'm leaving here?
No, I just meant if.
I'll worry about that
when the time comes.
Did you eat?
No. Well, you know,
had a little Jell-O.
Come on.
I'll treat you to lunch.
Oh, great.
Is that blood?
Hey, congratulations
on that humanitarian thing.
Thank you.
You make it sound
so important.
What was that
for exactly?
What do you mean?
Was it for this year?
Oh, it wasn't for
any particular year.
It was for a career.
Well, it's wonderful.
You had a great career.
What do you mean "had"?
I'm still having it,
aren't I?
I read your script.
And?
Well, let me
put this in a form
that isn't insulting.
Because I tend
to be too direct.
All my friends
tell me that.
The script's no good.
That's the form
that's not insulting?
What would
the insulting form be?
(LAUGHS) Good one.
What are you doing?
Oh, I write down
lines I like.
I like that line.
Yeah, I think
that's called stealing.
So, what's wrong
with the script?
I don't understand.
I think what's wrong
with the script is you.
It was not that
the script, per se,
is bad.
You know, it's flat.
It feels like it's
been done before.
Well, it has
been done before.
Right.
It's an action movie.
It's been done
a million times,
but you guys
keep making them,
so here's a good one.
LAMAS: Josh.
How's it going?
Hey, Lorenzo,
I was just talking
about you.
Lorenzo Lamas,
Steven Phillips.
Hey. Nice to meet you.
Hey, hey. I'm halfway
through your script.
It's brilliant.
LAMAS: Thank you.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Really great work.
Wow. Thank you so much.
Nice meeting you.
Yeah.
So, give me notes.
I'll fix whatever's wrong.
It's beyond notes.
Oh, nothing's beyond notes.
I'm a writer.
What do you want done?
Listen to me.
Did you ever stop
and think
maybe you're at
that point in your life
where you should be
heading in a new direction?
What?
I read in
the Wall Street Journal
where everybody has
at least three careers.
Did you read that?
No.
Well...
Possibly,
writing is something
you shouldn't do anymore.
I mean,
maybe you're heading
for your third career.
I never had
a second career.
Okay, you're heading
for your second career.
No, I'm not heading
for anything.
I'm a damn good writer.
I just got a major award.
(LAUGHING) What,
the Humanitarian Award?
Please.
Everybody gets that.
That's nothing.
Oh, thank you, Josh.
You know,
I couldn't put my finger on
exactly what the award was.
I just think
you've lost your edge.
I see.
Okay.
So you guys
don't want to
make this movie.
You'll give to me
in turn around,
I'll make it
somewhere else.
That's not exactly
what I'm trying to say.
I don't think
your deal here
is going to work out.
What?
We don't want to
keep rejecting your work
just to fill
a three-picture deal.
You know, go.
Go take some time off.
Get your edge back.
It'll be good
for your head.
Oh, please don't tell me
what's good for my head.
I can't afford
to take time off.
I have a family.
I have to make an income.
That's not our problem.
I can't believe that
all of this happened
over one script.
Oh, it wasn't
just one script.
I mean, we were all
a little disappointed
in your last picture.
Everybody said
it did well.
Everybody lied.
Hello, Josh.
Hey, Jennifer.
You never called me.
What happened?
Oh, I thought I did.
No, no.
You never called me.
Oh, well, Jennifer Tilly,
this is...
I don't want to meet
any more people
at this moment
in my life.
Just do what you
need to do.
Fine. Listen,
I'll call you tomorrow.
I promise.
You promise?
You have my word.
Isn't Josh a doll?
Oh, yeah.
No, he is really a doll.
He's a regular
little Chucky.
So, just cut to the chase.
Just what exactly
are you telling me?
We'd like you
out of here by 5:00.
What?
It would really
help us out.
Brian De Palma
needs your office.
What? You can't give
Brian De Palma my office.
Well, it's not really
your office.
I mean,
we're all just
using space here.
You know, I'm where
Lucille Ball used to be.
Huh.
Too bad you're not
where she is now.
Good one.
You write that down,
I'll cut off your head.
HAL ON PHONE: Yeah,
I knew that's what
he was going to say.
He called me first.
So why didn't you
tell me and save me
the embarrassment?
Well, you're a persuasive guy.
I thought maybe you'd
change his mind.
STEVEN: So we'll set it up
elsewhere, right?
I think that's going
to be tough, Steven.
I've been looking into it.
They don't seem to wanna
make action anymore.
What are you
talking about?
That's all they make
is action.
They don't want to make
this kind of action.
It's not
your forte, anyway.
You should go back to
writing the smaller films.
You told me
not to do that.
That's right, I did,
and that was
very good advice,
because they're not really
buying those, either.
You know what?
Maybe now is the time
to go into television.
Find an independent.
I'll take less money.
Set it up that way.
I've been trying. I can't.
Nobody's buying.
Well, I don't understand.
What's the criticism?
People say
it has no edge.
I keep hearing this
"no edge" bullshit.
I don't even know
what this means.
It's an action movie.
There's plenty of edge.
Look, give me a week,
I'll fix it.
It'll be all edge.
Look, it's not
just this script.
The other two are
getting the same comments.
There's people...
I don't agree with them.
They think you're...
How shall I put this?
Past your prime.
Past my prime?
Picasso painted
until he was 90,
for God's sake.
Yeah. But he never wrote
a good screenplay.
You know what you should do?
Cool out.
Take a year off.
Clear your head.
I can't take a year off, Hal.
I have a family to feed.
Get me a meeting
with Steven Spielberg.
(LAUGHS)
He'll make this movie.
I know it.
Steve doesn't take
meetings anymore.
He'll take this one.
We're old friends.
I used to buy him sushi
25 years ago.
I just read in some magazine
where he doesn't eat sushi
anymore.
(YELLING) Who cares
about the sushi?
Just get me a meeting
with him.
Hello.
Yes, sir.
Yes. I'm here to see
Mr. Spielberg.
What is your name?
Steven Phillips.
You don't have
a drive-on.
Mmm?
You'll have to make
a U-turn here,
park across the street
and walk.
Do you know
where the building is?
Yeah, it's like
nine miles from here.
It is a little far.
I don't have
a drive-on?
No, sir,
you have a walk-on.
Uh-huh. Is that the worst
a person can get,
or is there
like a crawl-on?
Beg your pardon?
Never mind. Thanks.
FEMALE GUIDE ON SPEAKER:
On your right
are the soundstages
where they filmed
the movie Liar Liar.
On your left is a man
who obviously
did not get a drive-on.
(PANTING)
(RECEPTIONISTS CHATTERING)
(PHONES RINGING)
May I help you?
My name is
Steven Phillips.
I'm here to see
Mr. Spielberg.
Here you go.
You go to
the second floor.
It's office 202.
Thanks.
Yes, sir. Well,
you have an appointment
right now.
I think the gentleman
is here.
Yes, I'll send him
right in.
Are you Mr. Phillips?
Yes, I am.
Mr. Spielberg will see you.
Thank you.
(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)
Come in. Close the door.
We'll have some privacy.
I would get up,
but my feet hurt.
Have a seat.
Who are you?
I'm Stan Spielberg.
I'm Steven's cousin.
Call me Stan.
You're a writer?
Yeah, but...
Where's Steven?
I haven't seen Steven
in almost a year.
Oh, no.
I saw him
on television once.
Anyway, let's get
down to business.
What did you write?
What?
I have a lot of things
on my mind.
What did you do?
Oh, oh, you did
the talking dog thing.
Listen to me, my friend.
It's been done before.
I did not do anything
about a talking dog.
Really?
What did the guy who's
in here now write?
Oh, that's right.
I hated it. Thanks.
Well, apparently,
I didn't like yours, either.
Uh-huh. What is it that
you do here, exactly?
You know, I don't...
I don't really know.
Steven gave me the job,
and I never questioned it.
What did you do
before this?
I'm just curious.
This is my first
real employment.
All right, we're done.
Thanks.
Just remember...
Make it in color.
The people love color.
I've hit the wall.
My career has
hit the wall.
I have no other
options now.
There's nowhere to turn.
Talk to Jack,
he'll make you
feel better.
I don't want to do that.
It's humiliating.
Why is it humiliating?
That's what friends are for.
But, you know,
he'll pity me
and that's no good.
Why don't you
write something
for his company?
He hasn't asked me.
Well, if he knew
the deal fell through,
maybe he would.
I don't want charity.
Go talk to him.
You're the same age.
Nobody's telling him
he's over the hill.
Isn't he doing
better now than ever?
Yeah. I guess.
He'll put things
in perspective.
He knows what
you're going through.
I'm sure once in his life
a studio has told him
the same thing
they're telling you.
Okay, I'll talk to him.
So, how's it going,
buddy? You look bad.
Oh, Jack, I'm having
a terrible week.
Well, what's the matter?
You in trouble? Money?
No, it's not money.
Not yet, anyway.
Well, what's the problem?
Well, before
we get to me...
Are you having an affair?
(CHUCKLES)
Why would you say that?
Who was the woman
that got in the cab?
You saw that?
Well, I'm...
I wasn't spying
or anything.
I just arrived
when it happened.
I can't talk about it.
You're having an affair.
No, no. No, no, I'm not.
I just can't talk about it.
Come on, I'm your friend.
I'll keep a secret.
Who is she?
Don't ask me
any questions about this.
Okay.
Let's just drop it.
How's...
How's your new script?
Oh, great.
Paramount is not
going to make it.
Why? That was a...
That was a great idea.
They don't like it?
Oh, it's way beyond that.
They've stopped liking me.
They terminated
my deal.
You're kidding.
They're telling me
I've lost my edge.
This is the worst week
I've ever had in my life.
Buddy.
Seven days ago,
I was on top of the world.
Now it's over.
It's just over for me.
You've had
this feeling before. Yes?
No.
No? No one's ever told you
that you're over the hill?
No, no, they haven't.
Great.
I'm telling you something,
if I didn't have a family,
I think I'd be out
buying heroin right now.
Buddy, I don't like to
hear you talking like this.
That's the way I feel.
I mean, why not?
(SIGHS)
Okay. Maybe there's
something that I can do.
Oh, God,
I'm not supposed to do this.
Not supposed
to do what?
You're sounding
so mysterious.
Come on.
Take a walk with me.
I'm going to...
I'm going to tell you
something you're probably
not going to believe.
Do you know
what a Muse is?
A Muse?
Yeah.
I think so.
Well, you know
about mythology, right?
They were
the daughters of Zeus.
There were nine of them.
They inspired
all creativity.
That's... That's where
the word "music" comes from.
That's interesting.
I didn't know that.
What's the point?
What if I told you they...
They still exist?
Muses?
(LAUGHING) I would tell you
I rode over here on a unicorn.
(LAUGHS)
No, I'm...
I'm being dead serious.
I... I want you to listen
to what I have to say
and try to keep
an open mind.
Have a seat.
That... That woman
that you saw this morning
getting into the taxi?
Mmm-hmm.
She's a Muse.
Come on.
No, I met her at a party
a couple of years ago.
Rob Reiner
introduced us.
Rob Reiner?
Yeah, there were
a lot of...
A lot of writers there,
directors...
She... She seemed
to know them all.
I just thank God
that I met her,
because...
If you're lucky enough
to be with her,
you write better
than you've ever written
in your whole life.
You know, I must look
pretty pathetic
that you have to
be soothing me
with this fairy tale.
No, no, no. This is...
This is not a fairy tale.
This is real.
It's real?
You remember
a year and a half ago,
I couldn't break
that hotel story?
Yeah.
Well,
she figured that out.
She wrote it for you?
No, no, she doesn't
actually write.
She inspires.
Where is she from?
Greece?
I don't know
where she's from.
Her family tree apparently
goes all the way back
to the beginning of time.
I never really ask questions.
I've just taken
what she's offered.
You're being serious.
I'm being serious.
You swear to God?
I swear to God.
Okay, I believe you.
I want in.
How do I meet her?
I don't...
I don't know
if I can do that.
Well, you have to do it.
See, she's funny
about taking on
new people.
Well, I'm not new people,
I'm one of your best friends.
You have to call her.
Call her now.
You can't tell me this,
and then not call her.
This is what I need.
This is why I'm here.
I didn't know exactly
why I came.
This is why. Call her.
Please.
And he's really
a good friend.
(STAMMERING)
And he needs you.
(SOFTLY) Tell her
I got nominated.
Oh, he was nominated
for an Academy Award.
Did you see
McAllister Place?
McCormick Place.
McCormick Place?
Well, it was good.
You should see it.
I got the tape.
I have a tape.
Anyway, he's in trouble.
Could you at least
meet with him?
Fantastic.
Fantastic. Sarah, I...
I can't thank you enough.
This is...
This is wonderful.
Oh, and by the way,
you were right once again.
About Toronto.
So much better.
No, no. Than...
No, than Quebec.
Yes, I know.
Too much French.
All right. And, Sarah,
thank you again.
You're a doll.
You're going to
see her today at 4:00.
Oh, my God,
I can't believe it!
You're amazing!
Yeah.
Are you going to Canada?
No, no, no.
No, I'm setting
a movie in Canada.
She convinced me
Toronto was much better
than Quebec.
She does locations, too?
This is a miracle.
It's a miracle.
Now, here's the address.
You saved me.
I don't know
how else to put it.
You saved me.
Hey, all I did was
get you the meeting.
You're going to have to
do the rest.
But I'll tell you this...
You get her,
your life is never
going to be the same.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Can I help you?
Yes. Is Sarah Little here?
No. She lives
in the guest house.
Ah. Where would that be?
Oh, it's around the back.
It has its own gate.
Oh.
Who are you?
I'm just a friend.
Are you her husband?
Oh, no, no, no.
Well, then, how come
you don't have a gift?
What?
How come you're not
bringing her anything?
Everyone else does.
I don't know anything
about that.
I'm... I'm new.
Well, you better
have a gift.
Yes.
Hello. I'm Steven Phillips.
I'm Jack's friend.
Oh! Oh! I'm sorry.
Something came up
for me today.
I'll have to see you
tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow?
Did you bring any
of your scripts with you?
No, I didn't know
I was supposed to.
Have someone messenger over
some of your work.
I'll read it tonight.
I'll see you tomorrow
at 10:30. Okay?
So, then, that's the end
of this meeting?
Was there
something else you wanted?
(STAMMERING)
How did this go? Okay?
(CHUCKLING)
Yeah, went fine.
STEVEN: So, she couldn't
really see me.
She wants me to send over
some of my work
and come back
in the morning.
JACK: Ah, did you
bring her a gift?
STEVEN ON PHONE: What?
Oh, I hope you didn't go
empty-handed.
Well, you didn't say
anything about this.
Listen to me,
go to Tiffany's right now.
Bring her something.
Tiffany's?
I don't shop for my wife
at Tiffany's.
Your wife can't
save your career.
Do what I'm telling you.
Well, what's her taste?
How much money
do I have to spend?
Get her something very...
(STATIC)
Hello...
Hello?
I'm losing you.
Can't hear you.
Hello?
Hello?
How much
do I have to spend?
Good luck, buddy.
How much money?
Is that Steven?
Phyllis.
Hi.
How are you?
What are you buying?
Well, it's a secret.
Does Laura know?
No. That's what
a secret means.
Is it her birthday?
No.
Special occasion?
Uh-uh.
I wish Frank was like you.
(LAUGHS)
Since you don't
really know this woman,
you can't go wrong
with one of these.
Everyone loves them.
(STAMMERING) Well,
I'll leave you and
your little shopping dilemma.
This is not
what you think.
I don't think anything.
Bye-bye.
Phyllis, it's just
a business gift.
That's all this is.
My lips are sealed.
Your lips don't
have to be sealed.
It's not a lip-sealing
situation, Phyllis.
Unseal them!
Let your lips just do
what they do.
(SIGHS)
Let's see.
They're all pretty.
How much would this be?
That one is $3,500.
Oh, God, no.
No, no, no, no.
No. I was thinking
more like 50, 60.
Sixty what?
Dollars.
Oh, I see.
Well, these sterling
silver key rings are $60.
Oh, well,
that's beautiful.
It's feminine and pretty.
And what woman
wouldn't love this?
Does this come
with a Tiffany box?
Yes, it does.
Wrap that up.
Okay.
Who is she?
STEVEN: She's nobody.
You were at Tiffany's
for nobody?
Phyllis doesn't know
anything.
If I told you
what I was doing there,
you're not going to
believe me anyway.
So, just forget it for now.
I'll tell you later.
Are you in love
with someone?
Yes. You.
Well, then,
why didn't you
buy me a present?
How do you know
I didn't?
Did you?
Well, not today.
Oh, this makes me
feel weird.
I don't like
hearing these things
from my friends.
She's not your friend.
She's a big, fat gossip.
Well, what did you buy?
I bought a little key ring,
that's all.
Just a nothing.
A key ring.
Well, why did you
have to buy it
at Tiffany's?
Do me a favor.
Give me 24 hours.
Let me figure
this all out,
then I can
explain it to you.
It's just they...
They told me not to say
too much right now.
Who's "they"?
Please, no questions.
Just give me a hint.
Okay. One hint.
It's mystical.
It's magical.
It just might save my life.
And it wanted a key ring?
Yes, it did.
Hello. Here.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Okay.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Come in. Sit down.
Gee, now that
I've seen your taste,
I don't think I got you
the right gift.
Oh, it's fine.
STEVEN: No, no, no,
it isn't fine.
SARAH: No,
it's lovely, I'm sure.
(STAMMERING) I'm just...
I'm a little worried
because I see
what you like and...
Forget about it.
All right.
I read two of
your scripts.
Yes.
I can see why
you need me.
Oh, well, that doesn't
sound very good,
does it?
Oh, don't be offended.
You have a...
A lot of talent.
It's just that
you're losing your edge.
Jesus!
I'm hearing this
from everybody.
That's because it's true.
But I have good news for you.
I'm taking you on.
Really?
So, I've got a Muse.
I've got my own Muse!
First, I'm going to need
somewhere to live.
Try getting me
a very nice suite at
the Four Seasons Hotel.
Something on a high floor.
It's much quieter
that way.
Now, secondly,
I have special...
Wait, wait. Let's just
go to the "firstly."
You want what?
A suite at the Four Seasons?
Yes.
On a higher floor, please.
Well, what's wrong
with this place?
It's lovely.
Oh, it's a guest house,
and I've already told them
that I'm leaving.
You see,
the way I work is,
my new client takes on
all my expenses.
And, well,
you're my new client.
I am?
Mmm.
Am I the only new client?
Yes.
I mean, Jack, for example,
he's not a new client?
No.
So, then, like, Jack is
not going to be kicking in
for the suite here?
No, he wouldn't.
Okay, then.
Gee. Whoa!
Secondarily...
I just, you know,
it's a new piece
of information.
I have special
dietary needs.
I assume that the suite
will have a kitchenette.
I'll need you
to fill that with food.
A concise list will follow.
Will follow.
You're not
writing this down.
You want me to
write it down?
Nobody said anything.
Well...
(MUTTERING)
I have a small piece
of paper here.
I don't... I don't...
Oh.
Uh...
What?
Oh.
(SIGHS)
Okay. A suite.
You said the high floor?
Mmm-hmm.
So, I'm assuming
something above eight
would be sufficient?
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, no!
All right.
And the dietary needs?
How long will this
musing process take?
More than a day?
Inspiration
can take a week
to six months.
That depends on you.
Six months?
You don't want to...
You don't want to...
You don't want to be
in the Four Seasons
for six months.
(STAMMERING)
That's not good.
Why not?
Well, a lot of reasons.
First of all,
it's too high.
I'll be fine.
Well, maybe high
isn't what I meant.
You're concerned
about the cost, correct?
No, no, no.
Yeah. Yeah.
If this process works
and you sell this script,
you're going to make
a lot of money.
You need to think of this
as an investment.
I'll write that down.
And transportation.
Transportation.
A limousine.
What?
Lim-ou-sine.
Oh, you don't need that.
Yes, yes, yes, I do.
Well, I mean, I'm happy
to drive you wherever
you want to go.
You really
don't need a limo.
(LAUGHING)
What if I need something
in the middle of the night?
Well, I mean, the Four
Seasons has a concierge,
and I'm available.
You're covered.
One person or another,
you're gonna be all right.
I am used
to having
my own car.
How about if I make
a deal with you?
You get me one of those
Oscars that you got Jack,
and I'll drive you
to the moon.
I mean, I'll be on call
24 hours a day.
All right.
We'll try it your way.
All right. At least that.
No limo.
Now, in terms of working,
we'll work at my hours.
Sometimes,
if I'm up in the
middle of the night
and I can't sleep
and I feel productive,
I'm gonna expect
you to work.
Do you actually do
some of the writing?
No.
So, it's not like
Rumpelstiltskin.
I'm not gonna wake up
with a script?
No, you won't wake up
with a script.
(SIGHING) All right.
Now, I need you to go
to the Four Seasons today
to make sure that
you like the suite
because I'll wanna
move tomorrow.
So, on your way
over to the hotel,
take these to the Royal
Cleaners on Canon Drive
and make sure that
they're dry-cleaned.
Because if you don't
specify dry-cleaning,
they'll wash them.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hello.
Daddy said,
"Thank you."
And he wanted me
to give you this.
Well, you tell
your dad I said,
"Thank you very much."
Okay.
Okay. Bye, honey.
(LAUGHING)
(SIGHING)
Hmm.
Holy shit,
did I give you
the wrong gift.
You're not gonna like it.
My gift is not ready.
This is just like
a little temporary pre-gift.
The real gift
is being built.
It wasn't what I wanted,
they convinced me
and I told them no.
So, I'm going to go
and get what
I really wanted.
You would clog up
your toilet trying
to flush this.
This is dreck.
Do you have your list?
Okay.
Why don't you
get settled?
I'm going to run down
to the lobby
for one minute.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hi, again.
I'm back.
If she's here more
than three days,
doesn't a discount
kick in then?
Nothing is going
to kick in, sir.
I've told you this.
No, I know.
But say you're
a resident.
I'm sure you got people
who live in the hotel.
They get a discount,
don't they?
She's not a resident.
Well, how many days
qualifies as a resident?
More than 30.
Look, I'll tell you what.
Come to me in a month.
We'll talk.
All right.
One last thing.
For 1,700 a day,
shouldn't you fill up
the refrigerator?
It just seems odd
that I have to do that.
Why don't you
fill it up with food?
Are you joking?
Are we laughing?
You're an
interesting man, sir.
Please leave.
SARAH: Psst.
(WHISPERING)
Tip him.
You didn't
tip him yet?
I don't tip.
He's been standing here
the whole time?
Just do it.
(SIGHING)
Here you go.
Thanks.
Thank you.
So, what did
you give him?
Ten dollars.
(SCOFFING)
That's not enough!
You've got to give
them at least 20
or they feel slighted.
Well, what should I do?
Run after him
and give him more money?
No, you can do it
next time.
Right. I'll get him
the next time.
So, what do we think?
SARAH: Meh.
The suite's nice.
It's just that...
You know.
(WHISPERING)
It's over the pool.
(SCOFFS)
This is where you want
to be in this hotel.
This is the premium side,
the pool side.
The street's the bad side.
The pool's the good side.
This is 1,700 a night.
Don't talk about prices.
I have many important
things on my mind.
I don't have room
for thoughts of money.
Why would you?
Now, we need to do
some grocery shopping.
You know,
I don't know you that well.
But just so I understand
the way you talk,
when you say "we,"
you mean me.
Yeah.
You
need to get
some groceries.
There's my list.
Oh.
And please go
to the health food store
because I don't like
the other kind.
You know what?
I psychically knew that.
(GASPS)
Hi, Daddy!
Look! Daddy's here.
Yes.
Hi.
Honey,
go get some soda.
I want to talk
to your father.
What kind of soda?
Any kind you want.
Oh, boy!
Hi.
How are you?
What are you doing here?
I'm shopping.
You're shopping?
Yeah.
You're shopping for us.
I was hungry.
There wasn't really
anything in the house.
So I thought
I would help out.
Who eats these?
The snails? I do.
Since when?
Well, there's a lot
of things you
don't know about me.
Like your need
for tampons.
I'm shopping for her. Okay?
I was going to tell you
about it if it went well,
which it did.
I'm gonna be working
with this woman now,
and I just...
I had to pick up
a few things for her.
That's all.
Who the hell are you
working with that makes
you go shopping?
I don't get it.
Well, she lives in a hotel
and she doesn't have a car.
In a hotel? What hotel?
She's at the
Four Seasons.
Why is she there?
That's where I put her.
You put someone up
at the Four Seasons hotel?
Those rooms cost a fortune!
Listen, we can talk about it,
but we don't wanna discuss
it in the market, do we?
Let's talk about it at home.
Who the hell
is this person?
Tell me right now.
I may not see you at home.
What are you threatening?
Who is she?
She's a Muse.
I don't think
I heard you.
She's a Muse.
A real, live Muse.
That's who eats snails?
The Muse?
Yes.
I'll see you later.
Something is wrong with you.
I am really quite worried.
Listen to me,
Laura, honey, trust me.
I don't say that
unless I mean it.
Trust me.
Just buy the snails
and the tampons.
I'll talk to you later.
I swear to God
I'm telling the truth!
Ask Jack!
She's a real Muse!
She's not the only one!
They live amongst us!
Let's go.
He's crazy.
What did Carl say
when he left you?
SUSAN ON PHONE:
He didn't say anything.
I found a note.
I'm so confused.
I thought everything
was okay with us.
Well, what if he's
telling you the truth?
The truth?
That he met a Muse?
Are you crazy?
Hey, I have an idea.
Follow him.
I'm not going
to follow him.
I'm just disappointed
on so many levels.
Maybe he really
has lost it.
You would think as a writer
he would come up with
a better excuse than this.
Yeah. I don't know.
I guess it does sound
a little weird.
I'm too upset right now.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay. Well, take care
of yourself. All right?
(SIGHING)
Mommy? Are you
and Daddy getting
a divorce?
What? No!
No, honey,
of course not.
What's going on?
I don't know.
Maybe nothing.
Daddy's just a little
confused right now.
Has Daddy lost it?
No. Why do you say that?
My friend Karen
says that all writers
lose it eventually.
That's why they
kill themselves.
That's not true.
And they don't
kill themselves.
Margaux Hemingway did.
You're thinking
of Ernest Hemingway.
So did Margaux Hemingway.
We're not the Hemingways.
If you and Daddy split up,
can I get my own apartment?
First of all,
we're not splitting up.
Second of all, you're 12.
You're not getting
your own apartment.
My friend Sandy did.
Sandy's parents
are in the mob.
I don't want to talk
about it anymore.
So Jack's known her
for a year?
Longer than that.
And he says she's real?
Since he's met her,
he's had the best period
of his entire life.
He got the Oscar,
for God's sake!
And other writers
know her?
Yes, tons!
(PHONE RINGING)
Who could be
calling this late?
Oh, God!
I hope nobody died.
Hello?
Steven?
It's okay.
What's wrong?
I don't like
the room service here.
STEVEN: How could that be?
You're at the Four Seasons.
(CRYING)
I want a Waldorf salad.
So order one.
(SNIFFLING)
But they won't
make it after 10:00.
All right.
Calm down.
Take it easy.
There's a reason for that.
I just read
in the newspaper
where it's unhealthy
to eat lettuce
in the evening.
They did this
study at Harvard,
and anybody who had
any kind of greens after 8:00
had a lot of colon problems.
You don't want colon
problems, do you?
(LAUGHING HUMORLESSLY)
I want the salad.
Damn it.
It's her.
She wants a salad.
Oh.
Listen, you know,
nothing's open now.
It's too late.
Spago is open.
Spago? Are you sure
Spago even makes
a Waldorf salad?
(SIGHING)
Maybe we made
a mistake.
STEVEN: What?
Maybe you and I
shouldn't work together.
Why? Because
I'm questioning
your order?
Just make sure
they don't put
any cheese on it.
Are you writing
this down?
Yes, I'm always
writing it down.
No cheese.
Also, stop at the drug store
and get me bobby pins.
Bobby pins?
See you soon.
You know what?
I'm starting
to believe you.
I don't know
who this woman is,
but at least I know
you're not having
sex with her.
Why?
Because you could
never get aroused
by someone who made you
do this many errands.
WOMAN ON RADIO:
He's carrying a salad.
I think he's on 15.
May I help you, sir?
I'm going to 1515.
Are you a guest, sir?
No, I'm feeding
a guest.
Oh.
One Waldorf.
Call me tomorrow.
I'm sleeping.
Well, what about this?
You eat it.
I don't want it.
Well, give it
to the homeless.
Oh, that's a swell idea.
They can eat it
with the bobby pins.
Oh, I forgot
the bobby pins.
Call me tomorrow.
I have a question.
WOMAN: Get some
identification, Bob.
(STEVEN EXCLAIMING)
(SIGHING)
I'm sorry, sir.
STEVEN: Ow.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Good morning!
What?
It's 10:00.
Let's go to Long Beach.
Long Beach?
I was reading about
this new aquarium
and it looks really beautiful.
Let's go check it out.
Aquarium?
Just pick me up.
Can we go a little later
'cause I didn't get
to sleep... Hello?
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
STEVEN: So why this place?
SARAH: I saw an ad,
then I had a dream.
I have a good
feeling about this.
Should I be thinking
of an idea right now?
Quiet.
Just enjoy yourself.
Take it all in.
All right.
Just try to have
some fun today.
I'll going to try
to have a little fun.
You know something?
I don't think I've ever
seen a good movie shot
in a place like this.
I mean, there were
those Willy movies,
but I don't think
they shot them here anyway.
I never saw them.
I'm telling you,
there's never been
a great movie
in this kind of a location.
Doesn't this just lend
itself to one of those
big summer comedies?
It just feels like it,
doesn't it?
It does to me.
I mean, imagine
Jim Carrey working
in a place like this.
That sounds funny
already. Jim Carrey
and all these fish. Right?
Oh, I just love Jim Carrey.
The Truman Show,
I'm particularly proud of.
What?
(WHISPERING)
I can't talk about it.
It just slipped out,
you know.
You did The Truman Show?
(WHISPERING)
I can't really talk about it.
Just erase it from your mind.
Huh?
Well, I think
you should put
the Queen Mary in.
Because it's great
production value
and it's good luck.
Really?
Well, the boat thing
has been big.
Sarah? Sarah!
(EXCLAIMING)
Hey! Hi.
It's so good to see you!
Hey. Hi, cutie.
How are you?
Good.
It's so nice
to see you.
Oh, nice
to see you, too.
Oh, God. Thank you
so much for
The American President.
I just never...
Oh, no!
Really, I feel
like I just never...
Come on. Yes.
No, you just... Oh.
Well, come on.
Yeah. Thank you so much.
Well... Oh, you.
Bye.
Was that Rob Reiner?
Yeah. I'm just
crazy about him.
How long have
you known him?
Oh, that's confidential.
So, we're there
for, like, 30 minutes,
and it hits me.
This could be
the biggest idea
for a summer comedy
anybody's ever had!
I love it!
What's the basic idea?
Well, it's not formulated yet,
but here's what I'm thinking.
Say, Jim Carrey, okay?
He inherits
this aquarium from,
like, a rich uncle.
You know, at the...
You open up the movie
with a funeral scene,
and then they're
reading the will,
and all of a sudden,
he owns this aquarium.
(LAUGHING)
And from day one,
it's problems.
I mean,
there's bill collectors
and he hires bad people
and the tanks leak.
I mean, one thing
after another.
It's just, like, a mess.
Oh, this is wonderful.
This was her idea?
No, it was my idea.
It's all my idea.
You know,
she doesn't write,
she just inspires.
She sort of points you
in the right direction.
I love this direction.
You know, I've been
trying to figure out
how to write one
of these summer
comedies forever.
I think I've got it.
Jim Carrey would
be hysterical.
Wouldn't he?
Jim Carrey was her idea?
My idea.
It's all my idea. Me.
Well, you sure seem
inspired, and that's
all that matters.
Maybe it all
will be worth it.
I hope so.
It sure is costing us
a lot of money.
Well, you gotta look
at it like an investment.
That's what
I've been doing.
It really is an investment.
By the way,
she wants to have
lunch with you.
Why?
Well, just to know you.
Make you feel better
about this whole thing.
Just go meet her.
She's your Muse.
I don't have anything
to say to her.
I don't need to meet her.
Honey, what's the big deal?
Let her buy you lunch.
What can it hurt?
What am I talking about?
She doesn't buy anything.
I'll buy you two lunch.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That is hilarious.
You are so funny.
You think so?
Who cuts your hair?
Is something
wrong with it?
No, I love it.
Oh, this guy, Otto.
He's works at Umberto's.
Oh, I've heard
of that place.
Would you like me
to call him?
That would be great.
So was your mother
a Muse?
Yes, all of the women
in my family.
How about your father?
An alcoholic.
Really? We have
something in common.
Yours, too?
Yeah. It wasn't so bad
when we were kids,
but it was really
embarrassing when
we got in high school.
Is he still living?
Yeah, they're
still together.
They live in Florida.
Well, that sounds nice.
They seem to like it.
At least now they
can drink together.
(LAUGHS)
Did you go to college?
UCLA.
What did you study?
I was pre-law.
I got bored.
It's just that
you have this quality.
And it makes me think
that you could be great
working with the public.
You know, it's so funny
you should say that.
Why?
Because I always
wanted to go
into business.
But I don't know,
it just never happened.
Well, what did
you want to do?
The one thing
I inherited from
my mother is cooking.
She was the world's
greatest cook.
And I can do it, too.
I make these cookies...
I swear, they're
the best cookies
you've ever had.
Really?
I love that.
What kind?
Well, my favorite ones
are the chocolate-oatmeal
blend.
It's a wonderful kind
of combination of tastes.
You see, you get
the smoothness
from the chocolate
and the crunchiness
from the oatmeal.
And anyone who's
ever tasted them,
they never forget it.
So why aren't
you Mrs. Fields?
Oh, I don't know.
You know, I've been
raising my family.
Anyway, it's too late now.
No, it is never too late.
That Famous Amos guy,
he must have been 60
when he got started.
They're always
looking for new people
in the bakery business.
That's where that expression
"flavor of the month"
came from.
Oh, well, I guess
I could think
about it again.
Are you tired?
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
It's just that, you know,
I don't sleep very
well at the hotel.
Oh, well, I know
it can't be the hotel.
I mean, Steven
went all out for you.
You've got
one of the best
suites they have.
Oh, I'm not complaining
about the suite.
It's just, you know,
sometimes I get lonely.
So where
were you before?
A guest house.
And you had to leave?
No, I elected to leave.
I never stay in
one place too long.
Well, would you
like to stay in
another hotel?
No.
(CHUCKLES)
A hotel's a hotel.
Well, forget about it.
Look, let's just
talk about you
and those cookies.
It sure would save us
a lot of money.
Something tells me
she shouldn't live
in the house.
It's costing us
$10,000 a week.
Well, first of all,
you don't even know
that she wants
to move out
of the hotel.
She says
she's not sleeping well.
Well, how can she?
She's ordering too much.
When you're on the phone
with room service
24 hours a day,
how can you sleep?
Whatever,
I'm just trying to help.
Boy, you must have had
some lunch that you want
her to live with us.
I was just thinking
of you.
How so?
Well, you're running
all these errands...
Wouldn't it be
a lot easier if
she was close by?
At least then when
you run to the store
you can come right back home.
I don't think
it's a good idea.
Anyway,
there's no place
for her to stay.
If you move your
office back in here,
she could stay out there.
The guest house is mine.
There's a reason
I moved out of here.
There's no room
for me in the house.
Fine.
I'm just trying to help.
I'm not moving
my office. Let her
stay where she is.
I'm just beginning
to work. Let's
just leave it be.
But if she's not happy,
her musing abilities
might not be as good.
Boy, I can't
believe you.
You went from her
biggest skeptic to
her biggest supporter.
I'm not her supporter.
I'm just thinking of us.
It's not a good idea.
(PHONE RINGING)
(EXHALING)
Hello.
I have a craving.
She can live here.
LAURA: Originally,
when we moved in here,
this room was a mess.
(GRUNTING)
They used it for storage.
Do you like the walls?
SARAH: I really don't.
I don't know if you saw,
but I picked this
sort of soft yellow.
Then, in the other room...
Ooh!
STEVEN: This is
a little heavier
than I thought.
Ladies, we were
going to do
this together.
(CLATTERING)
It was going
to be a project.
Ladies.
I'm not so sure
about the yellow...
STEVEN: Why are you
worried about yellow?
I'm not going
to be able to have
children anymore.
Where do you want
this damn thing?
BOTH: There.
All right.
I'm having
a heart attack.
So I'm going
to put it right here.
And when the paramedics come,
they'll move it
where you want it.
As long as
we're here,
I think we should
get you some
cooking utensils.
If you're gonna
be Mrs. Fields,
you're gonna
need to have all
the right equipment.
Oh, I was just talking.
I don't really think
I want to do that.
Of course
you want
to do that.
You wouldn't
have said it if you
didn't want to do it.
I need an eggbeater.
Do you think that's
too much money?
Oh, nothing's
too much money.
Do you have a Cuisinart?
Oh, no. But I really
don't need that.
Oh, well, obviously
you're not going
to be a real cook.
Real cooks
have Cuisinarts.
All right, I need one.
(EXCLAIMS)
You have
a lot to learn.
(SNORING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
The walls are too bright.
What is that,
some sort of
World War II code?
I don't like the color.
I won't be able
to sleep well.
We need to paint them
something else.
Here we go again
with the "we."
What would you like
"we" to paint them?
Dark gray.
Aren't the curtains gray?
Why don't you just
look at the curtains?
I'll call a professional.
No, no, no, no. No, no.
I'm on my way.
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
Well, honey,
it's back to the
hardware store.
What are you doing?
Cooking.
Looks like you're
cooking for a city.
I am.
What does that mean?
I really think
I'm going to try this.
Try what?
Why can't I be Mrs. Fields?
My stuff is just
as good as hers.
Maybe better.
Mrs. Fields?
Honey, you don't want
to be Mrs. Fields.
Where did this come from?
What's wrong
with Mrs. Fields?
Well, first of all,
you're Mrs. Phillips.
(SIGHING)
Also, isn't she divorced?
Maybe there's a reason,
you know.
I don't know.
Honey, I don't
have room to even
breathe in the den.
We have no more
guest house.
I really don't think
we should be running
a business out
of our home.
We don't have
the room, do we?
If this works out,
I'll find a big kitchen
somewhere.
Don't you worry about it.
Just concentrate
on your writing.
Oh, well,
that's good advice.
If you need me,
I'll be in the creative
section of Home Base.
(SIGHING)
Hi. Did you get the paint?
You just told me
40 seconds ago.
I didn't have time
to do the actual errand.
Oh. Well, I'd like
to paint today.
The sooner I paint,
the sooner I can sleep.
Okay?
Okay. I have a question.
Was it your idea
to get my wife
into business?
It's never my idea.
That's not how I work.
She wants to be
this chef now.
You've got nothing
to worry about.
You should be excited.
She's going
to make a fortune.
Well, I don't need her
to make a fortune.
I can support our family.
(CHUCKLING)
Can you?
What does that mean?
Nothing. It's just that
I don't really think
that this should be about
who makes the money.
Let her blossom.
And you've got
some writing to do.
How can I write?
You want me to paint.
Oh! That reminds me.
When you go to the hardware
store, I need tacks.
I'm turning into something
I don't want to be.
(SNIFFING)
(SIGHING)
Do you want me
to be honest?
Yes, of course.
These are the best
cookies I ever had.
Yes!
Ever. They simply
melt in your mouth.
But are they good
enough to sell?
You make Famous Amos
look dead.
I think he is dead.
I'm finished.
Honey, don't walk
on the floor!
I'm not an astronaut.
I have to touch something.
That's not the color
of paint you're gonna use,
is it?
It looks lighter
on my face than
it does on the wall.
Why don't you run
upstairs real quick,
see if you can sleep?
Here, honey.
Taste these.
Oh, my God.
These are sensational.
People would
buy them, right?
Well, sure,
people would buy them.
But is that what
you really want to do?
Why don't you
just bake them
for all of us?
Why don't you want her
to sell them?
Whose Muse are you?
I'll be upstairs,
looking at the wall.
Look, I just
want to try this.
Sarah knows someone
at this restaurant,
and we're just gonna
take some over there
and see what happens.
Restaurant?
What restaurant?
Spago.
Spago?
Spago's gonna
take the cookies?
Well, Sarah
knows Wolfgang.
Wolfgang? Oh, my.
I'm at the hardware store
20 minutes, and you're
now calling him Wolfgang.
I'm sure nothing
will come of this.
I'm sure everything
will come of it.
Sweetheart,
there's something
in my mind
and I want to get it out.
And I want to say it
in the correct way,
because I love you
very much.
So how do I phrase this
in a way that's delicate
without overdoing it?
I just... I want
to make sure
that it's right.
I have no script!
I have nothing!
I have a little bit
of writing
in the beginning,
and then the pages
slowly go to white.
Then I have lots
of white pages.
It's like little
clouds on my desk.
Studios hate white!
They don't pay for that.
Did you see The Shining?
I'm jealous of him!
He at least had
one good sentence!
I don't have that!
Sure, he repeated
it too much, but
it was a good one.
"Steven runs an errand."
I could do that.
I could try that!
I have nothing!
And I'm just a little
afraid that if she...
What? What?
If she gives to me,
it takes from you?
Well, I didn't
say that exactly.
Well, that's
what you're thinking.
I don't know
how a Muse works.
Do you?
Look at mythology.
Why were there nine of them?
I think they all had
a little, teeny task.
Each one had
an assignment.
Maybe we're
overloading her.
Maybe writing and cooking
is not something she can do.
It's like an electric socket.
You know, it'll take
a toaster and a lamp,
but then you plug in
the dryer and the
house goes dark!
And I think our house
is starting to go dark.
She can help you
with your writing.
I can cook on my own.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to do that.
You use her.
Go ahead.
Use her.
I'm just saying that...
Use her.
She's actually
living with you?
STEVEN: She's not
living with us.
She's just staying
with us for a while.
That's all.
Where?
She's in the guest house.
It used to be my office.
Where are you?
I'm in the den.
Steven, you know, be careful.
Don't get too close.
What does that mean?
Well, just
keep your distance.
Never get too
close to a Muse.
Well, you never
told me this before.
Is there some list
of Muse rules
I need to know?
No, no, not really.
Let me ask you this.
(GRUNTING)
You think she can help
too many people at once?
What?
She's starting
to help out Laura.
And I'm just wondering,
do you think that's okay?
Doesn't it maybe
take from the idea
of helping me?
What's she doing
with Laura?
Laura wants
to be Mrs. Fields.
She's going into
the cookie business.
Oh, really?
And Sarah's helping her?
Well, that's good for her.
Well, what about that?
You think that's okay?
Don't you think that
diminishes her capacity?
I wouldn't
worry about it.
You ready?
Yeah, I've been
ready since 7:00.
Oh, by the way,
I need to see her
for about an hour later.
Is that okay?
No, it's really
not okay.
I haven't had two minutes
by myself with this woman.
I'm only going
to take a little while.
I just have to run
an idea past her.
Sure, come on over.
Bring your luggage,
move in.
I can just rot outside.
I don't care.
Oh, thanks, man.
Yeah.
You're doing really good
with the game here.
Give me the number
of that teacher.
Is he alive?
You ready?
I'm going to go inside
and take a piss.
You keep playing.
Spectacular.
It's unbelievable.
This is the cookie
equivalent of my pizza.
Told you.
I'm so flattered.
I think you're brilliant.
We'll start serving
them at Spago.
Then I'll take it
to Chinois.
If it works there,
the sky is the limit.
I don't know how
to thank you.
Wolf, you're a doll.
By the way, Sarah,
I have a little something
for you. Come with me.
(GIGGLES)
Thanks for
all your help on Postrio.
It's doing so wonderful.
How did he make
the decision so quickly?
I thought it would
take a long time.
Uh-uh.
That's the way
he operates.
When he came up with pizza,
it took him about 30 seconds
to decide between goat
cheese and mozzarella.
How do you know that?
Honey...
STEVEN: Honey?
Not now, baby,
I'm baking.
I'm starving.
Have a cookie!
I'm not six.
I'd like a meal.
Honey, take the kids,
go to McDonald's, please.
I'm up to my ears in this.
JACK: Hey, buddy!
Hey.
What's he doing here?
Just raping her for
her last remaining
drops of inspiration.
Everything sold out by 9:00.
9:00! Isn't that amazing?
That is fantastic, honey.
So, now you did it.
You've proved it.
Now we can go back
to the way we were.
What, are you crazy?
Why should we go back?
It's happening.
I'm hiring two more people.
We don't have
the room here for that.
I found a place.
Where?
Sarah found me this
wonderful old bakery
on Venice.
It's absolutely perfect.
I can have it month to month.
It even has stoves that work.
I'm supposed to be
getting help with
my writing.
I don't have a third act,
and you're taking out a lease.
I'm not taking out a lease,
it's month to month.
All right,
stop being literal.
Hey, if this works out,
you won't have to
sell your script.
I can support us.
I just don't see you
going back to the water
anytime soon.
(WHISPERING)
That's all I can say
right now.
So, no sequel?
No.
I can't thank you
enough, Sarah.
Well, you come
see me anytime.
I will. Bye-bye.
I almost forgot.
Okay, I'll open it later.
You'll like it.
I bought it after
the Titanic bonus.
It's not...
(CHUCKLES) God, no.
No water.
Stay out of the water.
Stay away from the water.
Don't go near the water.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Hey, can we talk
for a second?
I'm late.
We'll talk later.
Where are you going?
I don't ask you
those questions, do I?
I haven't had a minute
with you for days.
I need to write.
You're so busy
with everybody else.
What do you need?
Well, how about
a third act?
I'd go back to
the aquarium.
That's what I think.
I have to go back there?
Then don't.
Don't take my advice.
See you.
(EXCLAIMING)
Listen, I'll go back there.
It's all right.
It's just, what am I
going to find?
Why don't you go,
and then you can tell me.
STEVEN: Okay,
but please answer this.
Should Jim Carrey
sell the park?
See, I don't know
whether to introduce
a new character
at this stage
in the script.
Like someone who would
come in and buy it.
Do you understand
what I'm asking?
What do you think?
I'm confused.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
Did you say
don't or do?
Sell it?
No, sell it or not?
Don't?
Do?
You're going where?
STEVEN: It's called the
Aquarium of the Pacific.
JACK ON PHONE: Why?
Well, I don't wanna
say too much. It's sort of
what I'm working on.
What, you're afraid
I'll gonna steal it?
No. Yeah.
Oh, by the way, I need
to come over tomorrow.
I need about half an hour.
Maybe you ought to
start bringing
some food with you.
I'll bring some food
with me, if you want.
How long do you think
she's going to be
living with you?
Well, actually, I wanted
to talk to you about that.
I figured once
I got my script,
I would ask her to leave.
Steven, be careful.
Be careful?
Of what?
Well, just make sure
you don't piss her off.
You don't wanna
piss off a Muse.
If you get them angry,
they could do the opposite of
what they're supposed to do.
What's the opposite?
You might never think up
another idea again.
Oh, my God,
that can't be true.
Is that true?
You don't even
want to know.
Oh, no. No.
Hello.
Hi. How many today?
One.
Okay, that's $13.95.
So, what time does
the next show go on?
Oh, the next show
is canceled, sir.
Canceled? Why?
One of the sea lions
is not feeling well.
You're kidding.
No. I'm sorry, sir.
The fish isn't feeling well,
and he doesn't have to work?
Apparently not.
Gee, if I'm not feeling well,
they make me show up.
I guess I'm in
the wrong species, huh?
I guess you are, sir.
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
WOMAN: Thank you.
How do you like that?
Who even knew
fish got sick?
(SCOFFS) What do they do,
stick a thermometer
in their tush?
How do they even know?
Oh, my God.
That's it!
That's it!
Sick fish!
(LAUGHING)
They don't do any tricks.
They're on stretchers,
and they got
slings on their fins.
And then they start dying.
Can you see it?
He's got huge crowds.
They're all waiting
for something, and he's got
dead fish to show off.
This is wonderful!
Isn't it?
Where do you come up
with this stuff?
This is the funniest thing
I've heard in years.
You're gonna have yourself
a big hit, Steven.
So, listen, make the deal now,
'cause I really need the cash.
You can make a deal
based on an idea,
can't you?
You're so close to finishing.
Just finish up the script.
We'll get 10 times as much.
Don't you wanna strike
while the iron is hot?
Finish the goddamn script.
The iron will be on fire.
Hey, you know what
might be funny?
They should open up
a sushi bar at the park and
they can eat the dead fish.
(CHUCKLING)
You negotiate,
let me write.
It's just an idea.
I throw 'em out.
If you don't like 'em,
don't use 'em.
Does anybody
ever use them?
No, not really.
I didn't think so.
All right.
I'll talk to you later.
By the way,
congratulations.
On what?
Those cookies
your wife is making.
It's all over town.
They're terrific.
The hit of Spago.
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
I'll tell her.
Think about eating
those dead fish.
Okay. No good.
Hello? May I help you?
What?
Oh, my God.
Is Sarah here?
If she doesn't
answer the door,
I don't think she's there.
Damn it! Damn it!
Oh, God, I've been
trying to get her.
I can't get a hold of her.
I'm trying to work
this thing out.
I'm right in the middle of it.
By the way, your parking
here is nonexistent.
It really is a problem.
You should do
something about it.
Well, give me six months,
I'll put in a lot.
You know what time
she's getting back?
No, I don't.
Do you have a room around
here where I can wait,
like magazines or whatever?
It's my private home.
I really don't have
a waiting room.
Well, just tell her
Marty was here, okay?
I got to get this thing
figured out. I'm right
in the middle of it.
I got to get
it figured out.
What are you working on?
Promise you won't
tell anybody?
Yeah.
I'm working on a remake
of Raging Bull.
Really?
Yeah, only this time,
I'm doing it with
a real thin guy.
Real thin.
Can you see it?
Can you see it?
Yeah, I see it.
Not like normal thin,
but really thin.
A real thin guy.
Thin, but angry.
Angry?
Angry.
Can you see it?
Angry, too.
Thin and angry.
Thin and angry.
Thin, thin.
Thin and angry.
Thin. Wow.
Yeah.
Good idea.
Is there a Starbucks
near here?
Oh, gee. I'd be careful
if I were you. You might
have had your quota.
Yeah, I guess
I've had my... Quota!
That gives me an idea
for something else entirely.
Thank you. We never had
this conversation.
I don't know who you are.
We never spoke.
By the way,
the gift's in the mail.
Tell her, okay?
Hey, I sent you a script
two years ago!
Never got it.
You are doing
a great job.
Thanks to you.
Ready to go to lunch?
Oh, I'm ready.
Oh, good.
I'll be back.
I have a proposal
for you.
I'm listening.
What if you went into
business with me?
You're the one
who inspired all this.
I could put you
on the board. You
could have a big part.
Oh, I can't get too involved.
That's not what a Muse does.
I wish you would
think about it. I really
like having you around.
I have to be careful.
I can't overstep my bounds.
I could anger the gods.
(WHISPERING)
That could be dangerous.
Really? You could
anger the gods?
(EXCLAIMS)
What could happen to you?
Would they punish you?
Oh, you don't
want to know.
You don't know what
wrath is until you've
seen Zeus get pissed.
(SIGHS)
Oh, my God, I keep forgetting
your life is so incredible.
Did you ever meet Zeus?
Meet him?
He's my father.
Wow!
He was the one with
the drinking problem?
Honey, all the gods drink.
Oh, you have been so nice
to me, and so has Steven.
And I know you've gone
out of your way to make me
comfortable in your home,
but I have a problem.
I'm not sleeping well.
I'm not comfortable
in the guest house.
And you know how sensitive
I am as to where I sleep.
You know, a Muse
needs her sleep.
I need a calm, secure,
restful place.
We'll fix it.
What can we do?
We'll take care of it.
Oh, I don't think
there's anything
you can do. It just...
It feels wrong.
Well, what if you were
to move into the main house?
How would you like that?
Well, do you think
I'd be more comfortable
on the couch?
You don't have to sleep
on the couch.
Just give some time,
I can figure this out.
We don't want you to go.
I'll figure
something out.
Oh...
We gave her the
damn guest house.
If she's not happy,
let her move back
to the hotel.
I'm not that happy,
either, by the way.
Every time I come home here,
it's like the Friars Club.
I don't know who
I'm gonna see next.
We don't want her
to move back to the hotel.
Now, listen, I have an idea.
What if we gave her
the bedroom?
Honey.
The guest house is barely
big enough for one person,
let alone two.
Where are we gonna sleep?
That's not exactly
what I had in mind.
I don't even want
to hear this.
She could bunk
in here with me,
you could sleep out there,
just for a while,
till she gets comfortable.
She could bunk
in here with you?
Did you join the Girl Scouts
when I wasn't looking?
Since when have you
used the word "bunk"?
Forget it.
I'm just trying to help.
It's a bad idea.
I don't want to
give up the bedroom.
Forget it.
You're not attracted
to her, are you?
You don't want
to sleep with her?
(GASPS)
I am not gonna even
dignify that with an answer.
Oh, come on,
dignify it with a "no."
I'm just trying to
make her happy.
The happier she is,
the better muse she is.
Don't you want the
best muse you can get?
I want the best muse
I can get that does not
live in the bed.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
This is my girl.
I'm so proud of her.
Wolf, I think she
should open stores.
What do you think?
Yes, but not so fast.
I don't want to lose her.
Don't worry,
I'm not going anywhere.
I owe you a lot.
You don't owe me
anything. I owe you.
We make a fortune
with you.
What kind of line of food
are you in?
No, no, no.
I keep telling you,
I'm not in food.
I'm a writer,
a screenwriter.
Ah, cream! Gelato.
My brother-in-law also,
he makes tiramisu.
It's very good.
No, no, no, no, no.
Screenwriter, I write...
You write? You say,
you write on the cream?
You mean in a birthday cake?
Yes, that's it. That's good.
That's what I do.
I'm a birthday cake writer.
I write "Happy" and my
partner writes "Birthday."
Ah, yes.
Yes.
I don't know how to
write the whole thing.
But no, I mean to say,
what you really do
in your real life?
No, I'm trying to say...
About the 88th time
I've told you,
but I'm happy to
tell you again.
I'm a screenwriter. I write,
you know, with a pen.
Yeah, I write.
Ah, rider!
You mean horse.
Yes, yes,
you got it.
I love horse.
I love it.
I eat horse, also.
You eat a horse?
Oh, yes.
No, I mean,
the horsemeat,
with asparagus.
It's delicious.
I've not had that before.
What's the name
of your horse?
"Confusion" is the name
of my horse.
Ah, Chinese.
Yeah, it's a Chinese horse.
That's right.
I'm only here because
Wolfgang Puck, he's throwing
a party for my wife.
A wolf in a park?
No, no, no. Him,
Wolfgang Puck is the guy
who owns this restaurant.
In the park?
You work in the park?
Yes.
I work in the park.
I'm a ranger.
I'm a park ranger.
Why can't we freeze
these cookies?
That's what
Sara Lee does, really.
I'll look into it.
I haven't tried them yet.
Are they that good?
Bruno, they're
unbelievable.
So I'm curious,
how long have you
been in this country?
No, I was born here.
Oh, well, here's to
the school system.
Oh, you have
a sister in school?
Yes, I do.
What does your
sister teach?
My sister teaches
horseback riding, actually.
That's how I got the horse.
Everything combines.
Everything comes together.
Combines...
Right.
Wasn't it E.T. who said,
"I'll see you at home"?
Okay, salute.
Okay, God bless you.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Oh, Wolfgang,
this is my husband.
Mr. Fields.
Yeah, Mr. Fields.
So, Laura tells me
you're a writer.
That's right.
I'm a writer.
He was nominated
for an Academy Award.
Oh, wow.
Really? How come
you never came to
my Oscar party?
Well, nobody
ever invited me.
All the nominees are
there. Maybe you are not
telling me the truth?
I'm telling the truth.
I think Mr. Fields is
a big, fat liar.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I'm only doing this for
one night only, that's it.
Then we have to think
of something else.
You're a doll.
We're only making her happy.
I'm sure your third act
will come that much faster.
I don't know what was wrong
with the guest house.
I was out there for years,
it seemed fine to me.
Listen, I made a decision.
As soon as I'm through
with my script,
I'm gonna ask her
very gently to leave.
Are you sure that's okay?
You know what Jack said.
Well, I don't care
what Jack said.
What can I do?
If she wants to take
away my creativity,
then she'll do it.
But I want my house back.
(SIGHS) This is like
The Muse Who Came to Dinner.
Hi.
Hey! How are you?
Um, do you have
an extra drawer,
because I'd really like to
unpack before I go to sleep.
You have all these very
particular rules about
sleeping. It's interesting.
Me, I would just
leave the stuff
in the suitcase.
Here, take this drawer.
Oh.
(HUMMING)
Sarah?
Yeah?
After you get your
wonderful night's sleep...
Yeah.
Maybe in the morning
you'll sit down with me.
I would love to write.
Well, you know,
it's not really my job
to come up with ideas.
It's my job to inspire.
But I'm sleeping
in the garage.
So maybe you could
come up with
at least one idea.
Okay. But just one.
You know how the whole
California coast has a lot
of oil running underneath it?
Yes, I do.
And in your script,
you're building this
big fish tank, right?
Right. They're constructing
a huge one.
So you've got one of these
big construction machines,
and it's digging and
digging and digging,
and bam!
It hits oil and
everybody's a millionaire.
You mean like
The Beverly Hillbillies?
Yeah.
That sounds hysterical!
So what you're saying is,
even though they've
lost a huge amount
of money on the park,
all of a sudden they're
like these millionaires
for a reason we don't
even know about.
Exactly.
If he's now this millionaire,
he could give the
park to charity.
He can free all the Willys!
There you go.
You got your third act.
This is great! Okay.
Honey, I'll see you
in the morning.
Good night, honey.
I've got a place
to go now!
So, what side of the bed
do you want?
Oh, you're going to
sleep in the bed, too?
Well, what was your idea?
No, that's okay,
we can share the bed.
You want the whole bed?
Well, hey, it's your house,
you know. Whatever
you wanna do.
Oh, my God.
You want the bed,
take it.
Where will you sleep?
I'll sleep on the floor.
Oh, I couldn't let
you do that.
Forget about it.
I've always wanted
to try the floor.
Okay. I'm gonna need
a great, big pillow
and a pair of those
fluffy, little pajamas,
the fluffier, the better.
And do you have
one of those things
that you go like that
and it turns the lights out?
'Cause that's a little far
for me. I'll wait here.
Sweet dreams.
I want you to try to
get at least a B+
on your test,
or I'm gonna be
very disappointed.
I will, Aunt Sarah.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye, honey.
Bye, Aunt Sarah.
Love you.
Oh, I love you, too.
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Dad.
Gee, one night out
of the house, and there goes
the good morning kiss.
When did they start
calling you aunt?
The day I got here.
I didn't know that.
Sorry I used the bedroom.
I had to get dressed.
So, did you get any writing
done last night?
What if I told you
I finished?
I did. The Beverly Hillbillies
stuff was fantastic.
Every idea worked.
Every one.
Well, I told you
not to worry.
Well...
(GROANS)
I feel a little guilty.
You look like you're
in pain. Meanwhile,
I slept like a dream.
Don't worry about it.
Well, if you'll
excuse me, I'm going to
go take a shower.
Do you know where
the towels are?
As a matter of fact,
I do.
Well, the hot water's
a little slow to come on,
but don't worry, it'll come.
We better fix that.
Yes, we better.
It's something
we got to do now.
We're going to fix it.
That's what we're all about.
Listen, honey, I know
you weren't crazy about
giving up the bedroom,
but look how things
have worked out. You've
got a brilliant script.
But I don't care.
No script is worth me
not being able to share
the marital bed.
We have to figure
something out.
We'll think of something.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Maybe it's
Marty Scorsese again.
This time he's probably
doing a remake of
Taxi Driver with all women.
Good morning.
May I help you?
Are you Steven Phillips?
Yes.
My name is Dr. Jacobson.
This is Nurse Rennert.
May we come in, please?
What is this in regard to?
Do you have a Sarah Little
residing with you?
What do you mean by
"residing"?
Does Sarah Little live here?
Well, she's staying with us,
if that's what you're asking.
We need to talk to you.
Is there somewhere
we can sit down?
Sit in here.
What is it, honey?
These people here
seem to know Sarah.
Uh, will you please
sit down, ma'am?
There's something
you two need to know.
Miss Little is not well.
Not well?
What do you mean,
"not well"?
She lives in a sanitarium
outside Cincinnati.
Have you heard of
the Breyerton Institute?
No.
That's where Sarah lives.
And every few years,
she tends to run away.
She doesn't seem to
appreciate her surroundings.
The Breyerton Institute?
She needs to be
on medication. She's
a multiple personality.
Without her drugs,
she tends to act up.
This is a joke, right?
You're joking.
This isn't a joke.
Whatever we do,
we can't seem to
keep her there.
The last time she left,
she ran off to Paris.
She claimed to be
Picasso's daughter.
(LAUGHING)
Can you imagine?
And people believed her.
Stupid people.
But the Muse part,
though, is correct.
Yes? She is a Muse.
A what?
Sarah claims to be a Muse.
That's right, yes?
(SNICKERING)
A Muse?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
There they go again.
Well, that's
the best one yet.
I love that.
Can you imagine?
First Picasso's daughter,
then she's a Muse?
I'm assuming this
laughing is a no?
You have to hand it
to her, she's got
quite an imagination.
Do you people
have credentials?
(WHISPERING)
Maybe they're not
real doctors.
What kind of credentials
would you expect us to have?
I don't carry
my diploma with me.
But I mean, you certainly
could have made a mistake.
I make mistakes every day.
You made a mistake.
It's that simple.
I've made
no mistake, sir.
Mr. Phillips,
this is Hollywood.
I wouldn't beat yourself up
that you believed her.
People here
believe anything,
don't they?
Well, um...
If you don't mind,
I need to speak with Sarah.
Where is she?
Um, actually,
she's not even here...
She's in the shower.
No, no.
You're not gonna hurt her,
are you?
No, no, no.
We're gonna be
very gentle.
But a multiple personality?
That's impossible.
We know her.
She has one personality.
It's a classic case.
(LAUGHING) A Muse!
That is so funny.
God, wait till I tell
the other doctors.
Go with him.
He doesn't know
where the shower is.
But the thing is, she has
all of these brilliant ideas.
She fits the Muse
profile perfectly.
I'm not going to
argue with you, sir.
Nurse Rennert,
would you please come up
here immediately?
Oh, my God.
Our best sheets.
That is so low on our
problem scale right now.
Now what do we do?
I don't know. I don't think
I have the energy to
start looking again.
I don't know what to do.
(WHISPERING) Well,
as long as we are out here,
maybe we should at least
see that Universal tour.
We'll talk about
this privately.
STEVEN: So, what do
you do now? Go after her?
(SIGHS)
I guess. You have to
understand, we have
other patients, too.
There's just so much time
we can give to
these Sarah searches.
The institute isn't a prison.
If she really wants to leave,
what can we do?
Bye-bye.
See you later.
Oh, Nurse Rennert said
something earlier that
I thought was interesting.
Yeah?
Could you get us into
the Universal tour?
(SCOFFS)
So, then who was she?
She was just a person.
She wasn't a Muse?
Apparently not, honey.
Although according to Hal,
I'm going to sell
my new script
faster than any one
I've ever written.
And I'm going to open
my first store.
Really?
A cookie store?
Congratulations.
Where's the store gonna be?
Sarah found me
a place on Robertson.
It's a great location.
I can move in next month.
Wow, you were using Sarah
as a real estate agent, huh?
Gives a whole new meaning
to multiple listings.
Can I work there, Mom?
Yes, honey.
Me, too?
Yes, honey.
Me, too?
(ALL LAUGHING)
So, you think
he liked it?
I heard him laughing
and laughing when
he was reading it.
I think he loves it.
Oh, that's great.
I'm very proud of this.
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey, Steven,
come on in.
No calls.
Well, put the
important ones through.
No, put them all through.
Have a seat.
All right.
I'm not going to
beat around the bush.
Your script is brilliant.
Well, thank you
very much, Josh.
Coming from you,
that's quite a compliment.
I'm very surprised
at your agent, though.
Why?
Why do you have me
read a script another
studio's planning to film?
I'm sorry,
I didn't hear you.
What did you say?
Yeah, I just found out
Universal's weeks away
from shooting this.
Well, that's
not a possibility,
because I just wrote it.
So, how could that be?
Well, so did Rob Reiner.
Rob Reiner?
The Muse gave it
to Rob Reiner?
The Muse?
(STAMMERING)
We were at the...
He was at the aquarium
with me. That's impossible.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
I mean, it's not
the same idea.
It's not.
I mean, there's lots of
movies that feel like
the same, but they're not.
Remember Big?
You know, the Tom Hanks.
Well, I mean, there were
like nine of those,
but they were all different,
so that's the case here.
Remember one guy got high,
and the other was small.
And they all made money.
And this one's gonna
make money, too.
It's got to be different.
It's the same exact movie.
They even got Jim Carrey,
just like you wanted.
She took Jim Carrey?
She took my cast!
This is against
the Writers Guild rules.
You're not allowed
to do this.
This isn't fair.
Nothing's fair, Steven.
That's what life is.
Look, I have a great idea.
Let's get the scripts
right now and read them
out loud together.
We can order in and
just read out loud.
And I'm sure they'll be
different, you'll see.
We'll start with page one
and we can both read.
And by page 10,
we're gonna go off
like a road.
You're scaring me.
We're ending this
meeting right now.
Why don't you take my advice
and head into that new career?
Take a vacation.
Do something.
It's very stressful to
write, and obviously
it's gotten to you.
You know, there's a reason
writers don't live very long.
Yeah, people like you.
Because you're the Devil!
Why don't you
finally admit it?
Say it. "I'm the Devil."
Say it. Fess up!
Okay. I want you out
of my office right now.
I don't want
to see you again.
Get out!
I apologize about the devil
thing, it was wrong to say.
But the point is,
is that the Muse
stole it from me!
That's what I'm telling you.
Oh, the Muse again.
The Devil and the Muse.
Why don't you go write that?
Sounds like a
good buddy movie.
Why would Rob Reiner be at
the aquarium? He's not
gonna go to the aquarium.
He's got a lot to do.
I didn't want to go either.
She says, "Let's go."
And she said the
same thing to him.
And there he was,
and he waved.
And you know what
I'm trying to tell you,
don't you?
As a matter of fact, I do.
We're gonna need
some help in here
immediately.
It's my idea.
The Muse took it.
She stole it.
The Muse. The Muse.
The goddamn Muse.
I want that one,
that one and that one.
And by the way,
I didn't get a free sample.
I want my free sample!
I already gave you
a free sample.
And if you ask me again,
I'm gonna unscrew your head
and put it in
a cookie machine.
Then you'll be part
of a cookie and
you can eat yourself!
Be nice
to the customer.
"Customer"?
Isn't the definition
of a customer
at least somebody
over 10?
I keep telling you,
I want another sample.
That's it. One choke!
Don't touch him.
We could get sued.
She'll take care of you.
If you need me,
I'll be out back.
I'll be the one with
the gun in my mouth.
Oh, Hal's on the phone.
He says it's important.
What does he want,
raisins instead of nuts?
Yes?
Are you sitting down?
No. You want me to
pull up a bag of flour?
I got great news for you.
Your life is about to change.
Paramount is going
to make your movie.
What did you say?
Paramount is going
to make your movie!
Now, get over there
right away. They want to
have a creative meeting.
They have a few problems,
but they're not
worried about it.
They know you can fix it.
Congratulations.
I told you this
was going to happen.
But what about
the Rob Reiner picture?
Aren't they worried
about that?
Not going.
Universal pulled the plug.
What happened?
Who the hell cares?
Just get over to Paramount.
It's your script
they're interested in.
Oh, my God, Hal.
You don't know
what's going on.
This call came just in time.
Just get over there.
Hi, Anne. I'm back.
Congratulations.
The buzz around here
is wonderful.
Thanks. Well, I'll tell you,
after the last meeting
with Josh,
who would have ever
thought we'd be working
together again.
I certainly didn't.
Well, in fact, you're not.
Josh was let go last week.
What?
He was caught stealing.
No.
All that stuff
he liked to collect,
it belonged to other people.
I knew something was
wrong with this guy.
Don't worry about it.
You'll love Christine.
She's brilliant.
Everyone loves
working with her.
Anne, dear, have you
made a lunch reservation?
You're Steven?
Oh, shit.
I just loved your script.
Of course, it does
have a few problems.
That aquarium thing
doesn't really work.
But we'll fix that.
Anne, we'll be back
in about an hour.
Let's go have
a nice, big lunch.
I'm not really hungry.
Help!
By the way,
I left my purse at home.
You have plenty
of money on you.
Huh?
Don't you?
Money?
No more money!