The Muppets' Wizard of Oz (2005) - full transcript

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(* "Gotta Get Out Of Kansas")

* Wind blowing through my hair

* Everybody telling me
there's nowhere like home

* No, no

* There's somewhere else for me

* I need to take
the opportunity and go

* And go, yeah

* 'Cause 'round here
it's all too far

* And when I look up
to the stars

* I wanna be,
I wanna be like they are

* Oh, oh, oh



* Sometimes you gotta get
out of Kansas

* And sometimes you gotta
take your chances

* Find the answer

* 'Cause no one ever made it
just waiting around

* For their big 15 minutes
in a two-bit town

* And one thing I know
is crystal-clear

* I gotta get out of here

* A new sound,
a whole new crowd

* Why whisper,
when I want to sing out loud?

* And let me hear you say,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"

* I'm on land but I can fly

* Something in my heart
saying I was meant to shine

* Like a diamond in the sky

* I wanna see my name in lights



* And someone
to buy the movie rights

* I wanna hear my music
come to life

* Oh

* Sometimes you gotta get
out of Kansas

* And sometimes
you gotta take your chances

* Find the answer

* 'Cause no one ever made it
just waiting around

* For their big 15 minutes
in a two-bit town

* And one thing I know
is crystal-clear

* I gotta get outta here

* I gotta get outta here

* Mm-mm

* I gotta get out of here

(woman) Dorothy.
I gotta get out of here.

Dorothy!
Enough daydreaming,
Dorothy.

You know, these ketchup bottles
ain't gonna refill themselves.

Sorry, Aunt Em.
I just can't stop thinking
about my audition today.

So, how do I look?

You look like one of them girls
in one of them rap videos.

Order's up!

Uncle Henry, what do you
think of my outfit?

You look like
one of them girls
in a rap video.

But we cannot allow you
to walk around the street
dressed like that.

Dorothy's old enough
to dress the way she wants,
don't you think?

Now, Em, don't get mad.
Baby? Uh-oh.

There you go.
It's three o'clock.

I've gotta go to my audition.
And this is what I'm wearing.

What? You can't leave.

Hey, Early. Hey!
Hey, Em.

I need you
for the early-bird rush.

I know I'm leaving you
short-handed, Aunt Em,
but this is big.

I mean, if they like me,
I could get out of Kansas
and become somebody.

If they like you?
See, that's your problem.

Look, now, you can roll
out of here in one of
those stretch Hummers

and sing all around the world,

but you never gonna get
to where you wanna be

until you're happy
with who you are.

What?
You can go to your audition
after your shift is over.

But I'm already gonna be late!
(Uncle Henry whispers)
Psst, Dorothy.

Over here. Come, come, come,
come, come, come, come.

Nice to see you, Glen.
(Uncle Henry) So that's it?

You're just gonna pass up
an opportunity to audition
for the Muppets,

the most powerful puppets
in Hollywood?

(Dorothy) You heard
the wise one:

"You're not gonna
where you're going
till you're where you're at."

Well, you've been a great
employee at my diner
for years now,

and it's time I repaid
the favor. So, go on
to your audition.

Thanks!
Go on.

Excuse me. Henry!
Hey, baby.

Henry!
Remember what I said.
Ten percent.

I'm kidding.
Henry! Where's she off to?

Who?
Who?

I don't see anybody,
I don't know who you're
talking to.

Hey, have you ever seen
an African avocado?

They're orange,
but they taste just
like peanut butter.

What? Guess what we're
having for dinner.
A basketful of kisses, honey.

Oh, man! Who put a gym shoe
in the deep fryer?

Sir? Sir, hi.
I'm here for the audition.

I'm afraid auditions ended
at four, due to slim pickin's.

Please, I'm only
five minutes late.

Oh, alas, I feel your pain.

But the Muppets have gone
and where they are now,

heaven only knows.

(Kermit) OK, guys,
if you gotta go, go.
Next stop, Nebraska.

Who'd have thought it would be
so hard to find an all-American
girl with talent?

Yeah, how do the producers
of Girls Gone Wild do it?

Mr. Kermit! Miss Piggy!

Oh, great, a groupie.
Sorry, dear, no autographs.

Actually, I wanted
to sing for you,

but if it's too late,
do you think maybe you can
listen to my demo?

Oh, I...
No time.

We'll have to get your song
off Napster.
No, no, Piggy.

Sure, uh, gee...
And you're a singer?

Yeah.
And you did this demo
yourself?

All by myself.
Time to go!

Well, listen, I will try
to listen to your CD!

OK, thanks for your time.

Why are you doing that?

I thought it would make
the moment more dramatic.

(tuts)

(man over radio) It's not
looking pretty out there
tonight

with strong gusts of wind
up to 90 miles an hour

through the Central Plain area.

Don't forget
the toilet paper.
This just in.

The National Weather Bureau
has raised the twister alert
from right-foot green,

to right-foot yellow.
Do you know what that means,
folks?

All you people in Boomville
and Washedup should take
extra precautions tonight...

Baby, what took you so long?
Did you miss your bus?

You got what you wanted,
I'm still stuck here.

You need to talk
to your niece.

You need to talk
to your niece.

OK, I'll talk to her.
I'm just packing the box.

Toto, is this it for me?

Serving meatloaf to truckers

and living
in a Kansas trailer park?

Now, I know you think
show business

is all glitz and glamour,
but it's not.

Well, that is true.
That is very, very true.

Hollywood is full of crime
and flash fires,

earthquakes, paparazzi...

(imitates camera shutter)

You know, it's not safe.
Not like here.
(thunder)

Look, I know you wanna leave,
but you still belong here

with your family
and your friends.

What friends?
What friends? Come on.

Toto's your friend,
and um...

uh, you got, uh...

Toto's your friend.
Toto's a prawn
I rescued from the diner

because you won't let me
have a dog.

Well, dogs are funky.

And they got fleas, OK?

Look, how about this?
When this blows over,

we will go to the Karaoke Bar
and Buffet.

Sing, girl!
Don't you guys get it?

I don't want to sing karaoke
in some little Kansas
restaurant.

I want an exciting life.

I want to go somewhere
where I can see a concert,

or take dance lessons,
or maybe even learn kabbalah.

Kabbalah?
Did she blaspheme?
I don't think so, baby.

I wanna go somewhere
where I can be someone.

Maybe even a star.
OK, now,

do you wanna be a star
or a singer?

Because they're not
the same thing.

Well, all I know is that
I hate living here and I don't
want to end up like you.

(warning siren)
Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Well...

Hey, did you know that
in the Northern Hemisphere,

hurricanes, they twist
counterclockwise,

but in the Southern Hemisphere
they twist clockwise?

I'd hate to be the guy
that figured that out.

With the wind
just blowing everything...

Well, that's the round.
Back to your corners.

I'm heading to the storm shelter
before this tornado hits
and we all die.

Anybody care to join me?

Great. Now I'm stuck
with these two knuckleheads
in the storm shelter.

Dorothy, come on!

Henry, come on!
Come on, I'll help you.

Come on, babe.

Wait! I forgot Toto!
No, it's just a shrimp!

He's not a shrimp,
he's a king prawn!

Dorothy!

Dorothy!

(screams)

Toto! Toto!

(screams) Sorry, Toto!

When I make it big, I'm gonna
buy a nice brick house

that's anchored to the ground.

Ouch!

Toto!

Toto! Come on, Toto!
Where are you?

Toto!

(Spanish accent) Hola!
(both scream)

¿Por qué? What is it?
Why do we scream, OK?

You're all big.
And you're talking.

Sí. But more importantly,
I am naked, OK.

(laughs)

Wait! No!
Huh? What?

Here.
Oh, no, no, no.
He's not my type, OK.

The clothes.
OK. Oh, the clothes.

You want me to put
on the clothes,

you just have to say,
"Put on the clothes."

(thud)

OK.
(fabric ripping)

Hmm. Oh, it's a nice fit, OK?

Yeah, it's kind of cute.
I like how...

Sí, sí.

What am I doing?
Hmm?

You can't be
talking to me.
Oh. Oh, but I am.

I need some air.
Sí, sí.

I have this effect
on all the womens, OK.
I'll come with you.

Little help, please.
Come on, Toto.

Gracias.

There.

(both gasp)

(Toto) Dios mío!
It's incredible.

They get satellite here.

(gasps) Can't believe...

Do you see what I see?
Yeah.

All the houses are so tiny.
It's a small world,
after all.

Oh, my gosh. What...?
I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

(Dorothy) Oh, man!

Toto...

Where the...?
Wait!

For those of you who have
Dark Side of the Moon,
press play...

(chattering)
...now.

Ay, Chihuahua!
No, wait.
They're not Chihuahuas.

Ay, rats! Rats in hats!

(chuckles)
Rats in hats, get it?

I am a poet
and I didn't even realize
I had such capabilities.

OK. I work in a diner,
I know how to handle rats.

Rats? We ain't rats.

Excuse me. Pardon me.
Coming through.

We're the Munchkins
of Munchkinland.

The book, the book, the book!
Come on, come on, come on.

OK. And I quote:

Ahem.
"Rat: a long-tailed rodent,

especially one of
the genus Rattus.

"Munchkin: a cuddly,
cute and clean creature

who resides
in the land of Oz."

Munchkins?
Yeah.

Sorry, but I know a rat
when I see one.

Hey. Whatever you say
there, short stacks.

All I know is, thanks to you,
the Wicked Witch of the East

is dead and we are free!

(cheering)
(woman) Free?

You're not free!
Get over here and get
this tin can off me! Now!

Oh, my gosh, she's alive!
Quick, we gotta help her!

(muttering)
(woman) Please, help me up!

Well, Munchkins,
we're too late.

Guys!
But no tears -

she's in a better place.

(all) Yeah!

(grunting)

I'm gonna put you
in a better place -

in my oven! You hear me?

Um... (giggles)

Could someone spot me?

Wow! This is a lot heavier
than I...

Ew!

OK. Now she's dead!

(Toto) What is that?

Hey, look! Even the twisters
are Munchkin-sized.

Oh, that's no twister -
that's her sister.

She's the sister of the witch

that you just crushed
with a house.

Sister?

Bonjour, Munchie-kins!
(giggles)

Cuddles! Cuddles!

(kissing noises)

Each and every one of you!

My speed dating ended early,

so I thought
I'd drop in for a cuddle

and a visit with
my wicked East-Coast sister.

Uh... Yeah, well,

a funny thing about
the East-Coast sister.

Not so much funny as...
uh... uh...

disturbing.
Disturbing. Yes.

You see, this giant girl
right over here

kinda squashed her to death
with a double-wide.

What?
Yeah.

Uh... Right here.

(gasps)

Excuse me,
I just want you to know

that I've never met
this giant girl before
in my entire life.

Sorry, Dorothy...
um... Giant Girl.

It was an accident.
I swear.

Well, in that case,
c'est la vie!
La vie! La vie!

I drop things
all the time myself.

Charmed to make
your acquaintance.

I am Tattypoo,
the old and Good Witch
of the North.

But you're so young
and beautiful.

(giggles)
Aren't you a cutie!

(Munchkin) No, you are!
You are!

So tell me, what kind of
magical abilities do you have?

Well, I don't have
any magical abilities,

but I am a singer.
I mean, I want to be a singer.

(Toto) Mm, and she's
very good, OK.
A singer?

Really?
Oh, that's so funny!
I'm a singer too.

Yes, my sisters and I

were once the hottest
girl band in Oz.
Yeah!

But all that fame and fortune
left me feeling empty inside.

So I quit show biz
and committed my life

to advancing rights
for the vertically challenged
of Oz,

my little Munchie-wunchies.

Aw!
Cuddles!

(giggling)

Oh, yes!

(kissing noises)

Well, it's been nice
meeting you and all,

but I should probably
be on my way.

Anyone know how to get
to Kansas from here?

Never heard of it.
Is this Kansas
a civilized country?

Well, if by civilized
you mean flat,
boring and gray,

yeah, it's civilized.

Well, then, why do you
want to go back?

Yeah, why do we want
to go back?
Well, because...

Aunt Em and... Well...

I don't know what Kansas is,
but if you want to be
a famous singer,

you must see the wonderful
Wizard of Oz.
Yeah!

First...

(grunts)
(pop)

...you have to wear
my sister's shoes. Here.

You want me to wear shoes
off a nasty old witch?
I don't think so.

Oh, but there's
a powerful magic
connected to them.

And look how sparkly they are.

Mm-mm.

(laughs)

(continues laughing)

Listen, high pockets,
here's how things work
in enchanted lands.

Shoes have magical powers.

If you have the shoes,
you get the powers.

But if you're going to question
every little detail,

the whole thing's gonna fall
apart and we might as well
call it a day, OK?

(Munchkins) OK?

(singsong) They're Manolos.

Manolos?
Why didn't you say that?

Check the label.
Yeah, they're good.

I'll help you, OK.
(all) Ooh!

Those are unbelievable, OK?

Wow! They fit perfectly!

If the power of these
magic shoes is supposed
to make you feel

confident and sexy,
then mission accomplished.

So, take me
to meet your wizard.

To get to the wizard,

just follow this road
of yellow brick
to Emerald City.

It's in the exact center
of our country.

Wait, I gotta walk
to the center of your country?

There's not, like, a bus
or something I can take?

You wanna be a star or not?
OK, OK, sorry.

Well, let's go.

Oh, hold up there,
Giant Girl.
The name's Dorothy.

Well, Dorothy, we Munchkins
kinda owe ya for saving us
and all.

You ever need a favor,
you just give us a holler,
like so...

(blows pitch pipe)

* Calling all Munchkins

* Let's do lunchkins

* One for all
* And all for one

* Calling all Munchkins
Munchkins, Munchkins, Munchkins

* Take our call

You sing that
and we'll come a-scampering.

Uh, yeah, we'll be sure
to do this, OK.
Let's go, Dorothy.

One more thing. (giggles)

I don't know why I didn't
mention this before.

Whatever you do,
avoid the west.

My other evil sister
rules there,

and if she finds out
you have the silver shoes,

she'll hunt you down
and pry them off your cold,
dead carcass.

What?
(giggles) Bye.

Why are you just now
telling me this?

Come on, Dorothy. You're not
getting any younger, OK.

Let's go get famous.

I don't know.
That Witch of the West thing
sounds kind of dangerous.

Don't worry about it.
You're going to have
to trust me, you know?

I'm your agent, OK.
I'm your agent.

When did I make you
my agent?
Well, since you're asking,

I thought possibly
what we could do is...

Come on, short stuff.
(muffled talking)

(Dorothy) I wish you'd stop
with this whole agent thing.

Yes, yes, I know.
It's very awkward
for you, OK.

But I think it's very important
that we discuss my commission.

So, it seems that
50 percent is easiest.

I think I liked it better
when you couldn't talk.

(laughs)

Well, you think about it, OK.
Take your time.

I'm gonna get some corn.
It's fresh on the cobs, OK.

(laughs)

What are you doing?
What?

You didn't by chance see
that movie The Passion, huh?

No, so don't ruin
the ending.
No, that's not what--

Personally,
I liked The Birds.
Figures.

Hey, you got something
in your eye.
What?

This! Yah! Yah! Yah!
Hey, stop that!

You...!

Hey, stop that!
(laughs)

Hey!
Oh, this is the last straw!

No, I see one right here.
Stop that!

Get our grubby beak
off him!
Huh?

(cuckoo clock chirping)

Cuckoo!

You OK?
Huh? What?

Oh, I'm fine.
But lucky for that crow
you showed up when you did

'cause I was gonna come off
of these sticks
and I was gonna...

I was... uh...

Yeah, thanks.
I think I owe you one.

Name's Scarecrow.

I'm Dorothy.
And that's Toto.

Mm-mm. Hola!

Um... You got any butter?
Oh, what the hey?

Go ahead and eat the corn.
Better you than the birds.

I'm the worst scarecrow ever,
but what can I do?

I'm tied to a job
I'm no good at... literally.

Well, if you ask me,
I think it's time
for a career change.

No, no. I can't do that.
I'm not good at anything
because...

(whispers)
...I don't have a brain.

You don't have a brain?
Right.

Why are you whispering?
What?

Uh... well, I can't really
answer that because...

I don't have a brain.

Well, let's get you
down from there.

Now, why didn't I
think of that?

Oh, right. No brain.
Whoa!

Oh, why, thank you, Dorothy.

You're welcome, Scarecrow.

(burps)

This was me.
Ugh!

What? What?
You can smell it?

You know, we're on our way
to meet the Wizard of Oz

and he's gonna make me
a superstar singer.

And if he can do that,
I bet he can give you a brain.

If I had a brain,
I wouldn't be stupid.

And if I wasn't stupid,
I'd be able to do
something important.

You know, something
that helps people's lives.

Well, how about it, then?

Will you come with us
to Emerald City
to meet the wizard?

Emerald?
You mean, it's green?

You bet!
I like it already.

I can't believe.

Thank you.
I can't believe.

She's got to pick up
every Tom, Dick and Carlos
on the road, OK.

This is totally
unacceptable, OK.
These shoes are killing me.

Totally unacceptable.

Come on, come on.
Quit busting my shell, OK.

My client is A-list now,
she deserves
the A-list monies, OK.

Will you knock it off!
You're not an agent.

And the cell phone
isn't even real.
What?

It's a candy dispenser.

Listen, I'm gonna have
to call you back.

The diva's having
a meltdown, OK.

Ooh! Cinnamints.
Hey, do you hear that?

(engine)
Sounds like it's coming
from over there.

"T-i-n."
Wonder what that means.

Maybe, "trust in no one."
It could be a sign.

Yeah, there's another sign:
"Danger. High Voltage."

Wonder what that means? Hmm.

(door creaks)

Hello?

Look! Look at
all the computers, OK.
Yeah.

(Scarecrow) Is there somebody
in that chair?

There's somebody
in that chair!

Dios mío! He's twitching,
he's twitching.

Think he's stuck?
You think he needs
our help?

Do you think he could
check my e-mails?

Maybe we should press
this restart button.

(computers humming)

Hey! Hey.

Oh, my God.

Oh! Oh!

Welcome to the Total
Intelligence Network.

"TIN" for short.

Ooh!

Wow, I must have froze up
trying to run too many programs.

What in the name
of all that is holy
are you, OK?

Oh, I'm a Tin Thing.
A fully-robotic
information-gathering device

for the Wicked Witch
of the West,

and I can answer any
question in the universe.

Anything.
I got one.

Why are the women
so confusing, OK?

Let me process that. Huh!

(grunting)

(sighs)

It only seems that way
because men are so simple.

Wow. He is
a clever unit.
Hmm.

Yeah, you know,
I'd give my stuffed foot
for half of your brains.

Take it from me -
brains don't make you happy.

I'm nothing but a brain,
thanks to the Wicked Witch.

She made you like this?
Did she ever!

When I was a young
research assistant,

I made the mistake
of asking for a vacation

so I could marry
the love of my life Camilla.

(Toto) She's a chicken?
Weirdo.

And the Wicked Witch
got so angry,

she waved her wand
and ka-blowie!

Next thing I know,
I'm a walking, talking
robotic... thing.

Oh! That's terrible.

Yeah, she could have
just said no.

Yeah, but why did she
turn you into a robot?

Because...
(hollow knock)

...robots don't have hearts,

and without a heart,
I couldn't love Camilla.

And without Camilla,
I could work day and night.

(sighs)

Well, nice talking to you.
Back to work.

Um, excuse me.
Mm? Huh?

We're on our way to see
the Wizard of Oz

and he's gonna make
me a famous singer.

Yeah, and he's gonna
give me a brain.

Sí, and he probably give me
lots of monies, OK.

And if he can do that,
I'm sure he can give you
a heart.

Really? Well, I'm sure
if I had a heart,
I could win Camilla back.

Yeah!
Maybe I will go with you.

All right, well, let's go!
All right!

Aah!

(grunts) Oh!

Are you OK?
Sure, I just forgot
to untether. Heh-heh.

I don't get out much. OK.

Oh, where's my cell phone?

Ah!
(beeps)

OK.
OK.

Let's go.
Wait a second.

That's your cell phone?
Yeah.

Interesting.
What do these do?

(squeaking)
Nothing.
They're my nipples.

(moans)

(yells)

I feel dirty!

What a weirdo.

(hoots)

(animals yelping)

This creepy forest
goes on forever.

(all) You can say that again.

Anyone know how much further?
My feet are killing me.

I gotta sit down.
(Toto) Sí, me too.
Scoot over.

(Tin Thing) Oh, boy.

These shoes may be magical,
but they're not so comfortable.

Sí, they can put a trailer
in Munchkinland

but they can't make
a magic shoe
that's comfortable.

Go figure.

(log) Ouch!

This place is crazy.
Even the logs talk.

Hmm?

Uh, Dorothy?
Yeah?

What is...?

What do you...?
Lion?
Shrimp?

No, prawn.
Oh, prawn.

(both scream)

Toto!

(continue screaming)

(Lion) Get... off...
OK.

...my... tail!
Oh! OK!

(screaming)

Hey!

Get your paws off my prawn!

Please don't hit me.
Take anything you want.

Here, my wallet.
It's Velcro. Take it.

Well, look at you.
You're nothing
but a big coward.

So are you going
to eat me or not?

Eat you?
Why would we do that?
Don't you work for...

She Who Must Not Be Named?

Who?
Oh! You mean the Wicked
Witch of the West?

No, we don't even like her.

B-b-b-because we love her
so much! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Are you crazy?
The Wicked Witch of the West
has spies everywhere.

The trees, the shrubs,
the owls, the bunnies.

Evil, savage bunnies.

(sinister laughter)

(Dorothy) You're king
of the beasts.

If some critter
gives you attitude,
all you gotta do is

let out a big roar.
(both) Yeah.

But I don't want to scare
anyone. I just want
to make people laugh.

Yeah. Kill 'em with comedy -
that's my motto.

I dream of one day being Oz's
greatest stand-up comedian.

Well, you ever play
Emerald City?

I've never played, period.
I've got stage fright.

OK. Tell us a joke now.

There's no stage.
Yeah, go ahead.

No, I can't...
Come on.

OK. I can do this. Um...

(drumroll)

Wacka, wacka, wacka!

Hey, there.
Thanks for coming tonight.

So, what's the deal
with the wizard?

For someone so wonderful,
he certainly doesn't know
how to...

(stammers)

S-s-sorry.
Performance anxiety.

(gasps for air)

Hey, you know,
we're on our way
to Emerald City

to ask the wizard
for some help.
(Scarecrow) Mm-hmm.

Maybe he can give you
some courage.
Courage?

Gosh, that sounds...
scary.

Oh, don't worry.
It'll be OK.

Yeah, I mean, so you're not
so brave. I'm not so smart.

And I'm so empty inside,
I could cry.

Sí, and I'm so gosh-darn sexy,
it hurts.

See, we all have our issues.

But we're working 'em out...
together.
Yeah.

Right. I mean,
what are friends for?

* Where my brain should be

* There's a cavity

* Where most folks
have hearts

* I've got old spare parts

* Now I'm on my own

* In the great unknown

* And it's more than
one person can bear

Bear?
Ah! Where?

* Well, now I've got
some smart new partners

* Who can help me
think things through

* Folks say I'm just
a hick on a stick

* Well, that may be true
Sí, it's true.

* But when my stuffing's
not enough

* I know just what I should
do-la-dee-doo

* See, I don't miss
the brains I'm missing

* When I'm with you

* I used to be
romance compatible

* I wrote sonnets
and waltzes and more

* But now that my heart
is mechanical

* It only beats
four-on-the-floor

(Tin Thing makes
drumming noise)
(Lion) Oh, nice!

* But you've got friends
to stand beside you

* And we'll reboot
your old CPU

* Wow! I don't miss
the heart I'm missing

* When I'm with you

* I wish my stage fright
weren't so terrible

* My jokes never garner a roar

* With us you can try
new material

* You see,
that's what friends are for

* Now you can sleep
without a night-light

* And forget every...

* Creak, bang and boo!

* Hey! I don't miss
the spine I'm missing

* When I'm with you

* Still we've got
something great together

* So let's all get up and go

* We'll overachieve

* Wear our hearts on our sleeves

* Get on with the show

* Now we are
in the right direction

* And I see all our dreams
coming true

* Yes, anything is possible

* When I'm with you

* I'm just so sexy!
Wow, a shrimp
that shimmies!

* Our act's unfloppable
* Troubles are hoppable

* It's all so logical
* We'll be unstoppable

* Cashmere is washable
* Anything is possible

* When I'm

* With you

* I'm with you

* I'm with you

* I'm with you

* I'm with...

* You

Great!
Let's go!

(Dorothy) Come on, guys.
(Toto) Let's get rich,
come on!

(Tin Thing)
Come on, Dorothy!

It's dark.

Anybody got a night-light?

(all gasp)

Just to let you know,
nothing scares me
more than heights.

(laughter)

(Tin Thing) There's a pair
of vicious Kalidah Critics.

Very rare in these parts.

Those monstrous beasts
just love to rip performers
to shreds.

Really? How?

They do it with their...
(gulps)

words.

So, all we gotta do is
ignore their words

and keep our balance
all the way to other side.

That's right.
What?

What are you...?

You're going to cross?
Follow me.

Dorothy, don't.
You're going to cross?

(critic) You're gonna
fall off!
You're gonna fall!

You're gonna fall!
It's a long way down!

Hey, that's Dorothy Gale,
the new overnight sensation.

She's really killing 'em
in Munchkinland.

Just ask the Wicked Witch
of the East.

I hear she's really
bringing down the houses.

(Tin Thing) Shut up!
Dorothy. Concentrate, Dorothy.

She made it!
Whoo!

All right, let's go.

You go first.
OK. You go next.

(critic) I hear
it's lonely at the top.
(critic #2) Yeah.

Wait till
he hits the bottom.

I did it, OK.
That was easy for me.

(Tin Thing) That's it,
that's it.

One things for sure about
playing the Kalidah Bridge.

You're sure to make
a big splash!

It's not that far down,
anyway.

We made it! We made it!

OK, come on there, Lion.
Come on, Lion.

Nice log.
(critic) Be careful -
it's slippery up there!

Ooh, I feel a wind
coming on!

Oh, there's Lion.
He thinks he's a comedian.

Yeah, but his jokes
bomb so badly,

the army tried
to put a fuse on him!

Whoa, whoa! Ahh...

You know, there are
two reasons why I don't
like Lion's jokes.

What are they?
My ears.

I can't do it. I can't do it!
I can't do it, guys.
I can't move!

Ignore them.
What they're saying
has nothing to do with you.

What? Unless there's another
lion up here on this log,

I think they're talking to me.

I just think he needs
a little help. I'm going up.

Be careful.
Come on.

(critic) Yeah, your jokes
are no good!
(critic #2) You're not funny!

Pay no attention
to your critics.

It's gonna be one step
at a time, OK?

Now take my hand.
Put your tail down.

Calm yourself.
Now take my hand, come on.

That's it. Now we're
just gonna walk off.

Come on. We're just walking.
Hang on!

That's it. Steady.
You can do it!
You can do it!

You're all right.
Come on, you've got it.

You've got it. Yes!

Oh, thank you, Tin Thing.

Come on, guys.
Let's go.

Go on, get out of here!

Yeah, you'll still
never make it
to where you're going.

Good work, Lion.
Wasn't he great, guys?

He sure was.
I don't know.

Hey, what's that, guys?

"Poppyfields."
What's that?

Poppyfields? Well, it's only
the coolest club in Oz, baby.

This day has been
kind of crazy.

It wouldn't hurt to stop
and have a little fun.

A little fun?
Get ready to have the time
of your life, girl.

Come on, Dorothy.
Let's get inside before
this place is no longer cool.

Yeah. After you.

(* funky jazz)

Heh-heh-heh.
All right now,
y'all follow me.

I'll put you
in the best seats
in the house.

Sounds great!

* Nap time

You know, I can't wait
till I get a brain
so I can understand

what's fun about hanging out
at trendy nightclubs.

Yeah. What's the deal with
all these poppies anyway?

Whoa.
Wait, here comes a fact.

According to my database,
the poppy has a powerful
sleep-inducing effect.

Sleep-inducing effect?
Oh, that's silly.

How could a little
flower...?

(snores)

(Tin Thing) Lion?
(Scarecrow) Lion, are you OK?

Lion?
Is he all right?

He's fine. You know what?

We don't need to go
to Emerald City.

We should just stay here
at Poppyfields,

where it's so... relaxing.

Dorothy!
Dorothy!

Dorothy.
Dorothy, wake up.

Dorothy! Lion!
Why won't they wake up?

Why won't they wake up?
I don't know!

You know, the bathrooms here
are so comfortable, OK.

(yawns)

It's the poppies.
Come on, let's get Toto
out of here

and then we can figure out
what to do about Dorothy
and Lion.

OK.

Come on.
You grab that arm
right there.

Nap time.

Ooh, I'm so sleepy, OK.

If something happens
to Dorothy,

I don't think I'll ever be
able to forgive myself.

I know, but we can't
carry them out of there.
We have to think.

Oh, rats! I'm no good
at thinking.

Whoo, rats!
Rats in hats.

What?
They said they could...
could help us.

Wait! How? How?
How?

By singing the song.
What?

You know, it goes...

Wait! Sing the song!
How does the song go?

* Calling all Munchkins

* Let's do lunchkins
Yeah?

* All for one
and one for all

* Come on...

Come on, finish it!
Come on, come on!

* Munchkins take our...

What? What?

* ...call

Somebody page me?

Dorothy's in trouble.
Poppy exposure.

Poppies? Rats!
Munchkins, fall in!

We've got a girl to save.

(all) Sir, yes, sir!

Sergeant Bubba.

Company, heel!

Nice.

All right, troops,
Operation Gingham's a go!

(chattering)

(muffled)

* Nap time

(Munchkins chant) Hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut,

hut, hut, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut, hut,

hut, hut, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.

(* all sing muffled
military cadence)

* Nap time

Oh, Dorothy, please don't
be hurt. Wake up!

OK, out of the way, peoples.
Out of the way.

It's time for Toto to give
the mouth-to-mouth.

I'll get the Dorothy,
you get the lion, OK.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
I have a better idea.

Charging!

And clear!
(beeping and buzzing)

I'm up.
I'm totally up!

All right, she's alive.
What happened?

Well, it's lucky for you
the Munchkins showed up.

Thanks. I don't know
what came over me.

I'd say about maybe
20,000 volts there, Medusa.

(yawns)

Oh, big cat waking up, boys.
Time to go.

Good luck in Emerald City
there, Giant Girl.

(smacks lips)

What'd I miss?

Aah!

(laughs)

Very funny, guys.

Next time you could at least
tell me about my...

(gasps)

(Tin Thing) Emerald City!
Look at it!

It's so beautiful!

And yet so terrifying
all at the same time.

Heh-heh.

Wow.

Well, this is the place.
Whoa!

We made it, Dorothy.
Your dream's about
to come true.

OK, we agree now

what happens in Emerald City
stays in Emerald City, OK.

(door opening)

Can I help you?

Hi. I'm Dorothy Gale,

and we traveled all the way
across Oz to see the wizard.

Hmm...
Dorothy Gale. Hmm...

Nope. Not on the list.

Are you sure? Check again.

And who are you?

We're friends
of Dorothy.
Right.

Well, she's not on the list,
so go away.

Uh...

Hold on a minute, big bird.
Come here. Listen, listen.

(guard) Huh.
(whispering)

Mm-hmm. Oh!

Flattened by a double-wide?
Oh! Oh! Oh!

We don't want any trouble.
Um...

Oh, there's just been
a cancellation.

You may go in.

Oh, great!
(guard) Door!

Weirdoes...
(muffled whispering)

Gale... (muffled whispering)
double-wide...

(clears throat)

They're all yours, sir.

Hello!
Wait.
You're the Wizard of Oz?

Oh, no. I'm not the wizard.
I'm Scooter.

First assistant
to the big man.

Welcome, Dorothy.

Why, we've heard
a lot about you.

You're all anyone's
talking about.
Ah!

Really?
Great! That's terrific!

Yeah, but before
the wizard can turn you
into an overnight sensation,

there are certain precautions
that have to be taken.

Precautions?
Yup. Follow me.
Come on.

Let's go.
Follow him.

OK, here we are.
Come on in.

Oh, welcome to Emerald City,
where the place is so bright,

you've got to wear shades
or your eyeballs will fry
like a couple of eggs.

(meeping)

This spotlight here
duplicates the brilliance
of the wizard

and his radiant wonderfulness.
Radiant wonderfulness.

Radiant wonderfulness.

As you can see, thanks
to my patented lenses,

Beaker's retinas
remain uncooked.

(meeping)

(meeps)

And they will still
protect his eyes

even when the intensity
is doubled.

(meeps and yelps)

Good grief!

(scientist) OK, give me
the glasses.

(pop)
(all gasp)

So, do we get
to see the wizard now?

Oh, well, if you want
to be the next big thing,

you've got to look the part.

Welcome to Emerald City's
Magical Makeover Machine.

Oh, wow.

You want me
to go in there?
Absolutely.

No way! You just fried
that guy's head off.

(whimpering)

Well, you can't go
see the wizard looking
like that.

I mean, what is that,
a tablecloth?
Check, please.

(laughing)

(all stop laughing)

Fine. I'll get in
your makeover machine.

She's in.

(Dorothy) Hey! What is that?

Ow!

Hey!

This is cool.
I can work with this.

Look! You've been reborn!

Correction -
you've been Osbourne!
(Scooter laughs)

Good one.
So, what do you guys think?

Uh, well...
It's really nice.
It's nice.

Different.
Sí, sí.

But you know, this is
the Kelly Osbourne thing
I think that you're doing,

but I think we all thought
you were going for more of

the hot and sexy
Ashanti thing.

Ashanti.
Ashanti, yeah.

Fine. I'll get back
in your stupid machine.

(wolf whistle)

Oh!

Now you're talking, baby!
Beautiful!

What do you think?
Oh, my!

She's ready to see
the wizard now.

Come on! Follow me!
Come on!

All right.
OK. Walk this way.
Come on.

Fabulous.
Wow.

(man) Who are those
who seek an audience

with the all-powerful
Wizard of Oz?

First, bring in the lion.

The lion?
Wait. Stop. Hold on.

Wait, wait, wait!
You heard him, Lion.
You gotta go in first now.

It's gonna be OK.
It's gonna be OK.

A wave of relaxation is flowing
throughout your body.

A feeling of peace and...

Don't wet the floor!
Don't wet the floor!

Scooter, is there
a bathroom?
(door locks and Lion wails)

Scooter?

(Lion gasps)

I am Oz,
the great and terrible.

Who are you,
and why do you seek me?

I... I...

I wanna be a stand-up comedian.

Really?
Yes, sir.

Well, then, tell me a joke.

No, I-I-I can't do that.

I... I...
I have stage fright.

I kind of lack courage
in general, actually.

Tell me a joke now!

Aah! Why did the Wicked Witch
throw a clock out the window
to see time fly?

No, wait, stop.
I mean, when the witch
had a clock and she threw it...

Aah! Wacka, wacka!

(sinister laugh)

Next.

I am Oz,
the great and terrible.

What do you want?

(whimpers)
Hi, there, Mr. Oz. Um...

Are you, by chance,
any relation to Frank Oz?

Aah!

I'll, uh, I'll take that
as a no. Uh...

Well, I'm here because I wanna
ask you for a... I, uh...

Hurry up, brainless.
Oh! Oh!

Yes, yes. A brain.
That's right, a brain.

I'd really love
to have a brain. Uh...

For my head.
You know, the old noggin.

You're fired.

Aah!

(laughing)

Next.

Well, hello.
What is it you're looking for,

tin, dark and handsome?

Actually, I'm here looking
for a heart.

Oh, a heart.
(giggles)

Are you sure
there isn't anything else
I can do you for?

No, no, no. You see,
I already have a girlfriend.

She's a chicken.
Oh, a chicken, eh?

Yeah.

Well, does she have
a big beak like this?

How did you know?

And does she have
huge floppy wings like this?

Look at the size of those wings.
No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not here for that.
Um... uh...

I've just come here
to get a heart...
(clucking)

Whoo! Is it hot in here,
or is it just me?

Next!

(screams)

Bye-bye.

That's it! What are you
doing with my fr--

Whoa.

What? No hello?

Ooh! Aren't you the little girl
who wanted to be a big star?

Yeah. I heard that you were
all-great and powerful,

and I came all this way
and I was kind of sort of
hoping that maybe--

Blah-dee-blah.
Let's just cut to the chase.

I am prepared to give you
all your heart desires -

fame, hit records,

and a tabloid story
linking you romantically

to the famous person
of your choice.

Really? Oh, God.
So, what do I gotta do?

Oh, nothing, really.

Just bring me
the Wicked Witch
of the West's magic eye!

Eye, eye...

I'm sorry, the what?

The Wicked Witch of the West's
magic eye! Eye...

Um...
OK...

the Wicked Witch of the West
has this magic eye

that gives her the power
to see all in Oz.

If you cross
the mountains of death,

remove her eye
and bring it back to me,

your wildest dreams
shall come true.

What about my friends?
Brains, hearts,

courage - done!
If you bring me the eye.

Jeez, you need anything else
while we're there?
A kidney or...

Silence!

That's the deal on the table.

Now be gone from my sight!

Ooh. Ooh.

Uh... (clears throat)

Um... This is embarrassing.

Um... Would you mind, um...

jumping?

Uh... in there?

Yeah. If you wouldn't mind.

I guess.

(screams)

Excuse me. Are you busy?

Uh... I thought
she'd never leave, OK.

So for me, I would like
a date with JLo, of course.

Nothing too serious.
Maybe a little something
between marriages.

(roars)

Aah!

(laughs)

(banging and screaming)

Do you guys hear
something?
Santa Maria!

Oh, dear.
Oh, gracias, gracias.

Hey, good news, everyone.

The wizard is going to grant
all our wishes, OK!

Yes!
Yes!

Yes, that's great!
Toto, I think
I should tell 'em...

And all we have to do is
cross the mountains of death,

poke out the Wicked Witch's eye
and give it to the wizard!

It could happen.

(wild dogs howling)

Stupid wizard.

Make us climb
the stupid mountains
to find the stupid witch.

Yeah! And I was very clear
about being a cowardly lion.

Mm-hmm.

I didn't know I'd have to
do something like this

to become a famous singer.

I'm starting to think
maybe being a star

isn't all
it's cracked up to be.

Wait a second.
Dorothy,

you know you'll always
be a star with us, right?

Thanks. I never thought
I'd say it, Scarecrow,

but Kansas never
looked so good.

I miss home.
I miss my family.
(sobbing)

OK, OK. Boo-hoo,
boo-hoo, OK.

I live in a stinking
algae-covered fishbowl
in a trailer park, OK.

We're going to poke
the witch in the eye.

End of story.

Wah, wah, wah.
Poor me, poor me.
You guys are pathetic, OK.

(Toto) Let's talk about
something else, OK?

'Cause there's an amazing
coincidence happening here.

It's incredible, really.
When you think about it,
it blows the mind.

Kansas - '80s band.
Toto - '80s band.

We're on a "Journey" -
'80s band.

(witch) What have we here?
Intruders?

...'80s band.
Oh, and when we
see the witch -

"Wham!" - '80s band, OK.

(witch) And what's this?
I can't believe
my own evil eye!

How did she get
the silver shoes?

I'm next in line to have 'em.

Sal...

Stupid dog.
Sal, you gotta be kidding me.

You're not done yet?

I'm sorry. Why can't we
just use regular water?

(gibbers)

All you need to know
is that the witch's
delicate diva pigskin

can only handle
the nice bottled stuff.

And, confidentially,
it ain't helping her.

(laughter)

(barking)
(sighs)

Oh, hiya, sweetheart.
I just finished your
bottled-water bath.

Cancel it. Change of plans.
I've just discovered
some new talent

and it's right
in our own backyard.

Isn't that right,
poo-poo kiss?

That's wonderful.
Hey, maybe you two
could sing a duet. Hmm?

A do what?
A do what?

What are you talking about,
duets? She flies solo, Sal.

Right, sugar patch?

If I want those silver shoes,

I'll have to pry 'em off
her cold, dead carcass.

(barks)

What's that?

You want one of her bones
when I'm done with her?

Oh, yes, of course, dear.
Yes!

Bring me the magic
silver whistle.

The man-eating wolves are going
to have an early supper tonight.

(cackles)

Pardon me, please. Yeah.

The, uh...
the man-eating wolves
are on a, um ...

ski vacation.

Oh.

Well, then bring me
the magic trumpet of death.

I will send in the crows
of despair instead.

(cackles)

The crows of despair
are at a wedding.

Yeah.
Huh?

Angry bees?
Stomach flu.

Vicious squirrels?
It's nut season.

Blood-thirsty cockatoos?
Religious holiday.

(sighs)

All right. Bring me
my enchanted biker cap...
again!

Round up the flying monkeys.

There's only room
for one diva in Oz,

and that's moi!

(* hums dramatic music)

Hah. Ahem.

All right, guys, quit shoving.
Front and center.

The flying monkeys
are ready to go, boss.

Fabulous. I want the girl
caught and captured.

If she resists...
destroy her.

Really? Knock off a girl?
(witch laughs)

I-I-I'm sorry.
What do you see on my head?

(all) Enchanted biker cap.

And what does it mean?

Your wish is our command.

Good. And gas up my ride, too.

I wanna make sure
you knot-heads don't screw up.

All right, you mugs.
Come on, let's go!

(yelps)

(* monkeys hum
"The Ride of the Valkyries")

(sighs)

The witch!

Slow down, slow down,
slow down, slow down!

Back it up.

Well, well, well.

Looks like someone forgot
to take out the trash.

Trash? Pretty big talk
coming from a hog on a hog.

(laughter)

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, so clever.
Such wit.

I know your type, missy.

You sweet young things
come in with stars in your eyes,

ready to show the world
what you've got.

Well, now it's time
to clear the stage
for the real talent,

'cause the diva gig's
a killer... and so am I.

Hey, you can't talk
to my friend like that.

Oh, yeah?
And who's gonna stop me?

Um...

He will.
Uh...

Boo!

It never really worked
on the crows either.

Capture the girl
and the fur ball.

I'm in the mood
for lion nuggets.

As for the others,
shred 'em to pieces.

But why?
They've done nothing to you.

Why, you ask? Why?

I'll tell you why,
in a song.

Hit it!

Um...

Hmm. Nice digs.

You're late!

You know, like, not everyone
has groovy flying motorbikes,
OK?

Not my problem.

Yeah, we've been driving
the same lousy bus since 1978.

We'll talk about it later!

I...
Later!

(grunting)

Ah!

(grunting)

Get, get, get!
Sorry!

(yelling and crashing)

Ready!
Hit it!

* Maybe I need to spell it out,
Dorothy Gale

* This is my show
Sorry, you fail

* There's only room
for one rock goddess in Oz

* You've lost your bloom

* Poor thing,
already a "was"

* Pay attention
Listen to moi

* This TV special is mine,
comme ça?

* So you can leave
the silver shoes at the door

* 'Cause the diva's
got the floor
Look out!

* The witch is in the house

* The witch is in the house
* The witch is in the house

* She's hot
The witch is in the house

* This is my scene,
this is my set

* I may be gorgeous

* But I'm bad as they get
* She's hot

* You better run 'cause
you ain't seen nothing yet

* Watch out

* The witch is in the house

* Remember, missy,
the eye sees all

* Time to get down
on your knees and crawl

* You better stop

* You're gonna scream
and shout

* 'Cause mama's gonna
knock you out

* The witch is in the house

* The crazy, kooky house
* The witch is in the house

* The witch is in the house

* I don't forgive,
I never forget

* Think you can drop
another house on my head?

* You're gonna wish
that you were already dead

* Watch out
The witch is in the house

* On a good day

* I'll have you begging
for mercy
* Mercy me

And let me tell ya,
when she comes home at night...
Oh, excuse me.

* On a bad day

* I'll make you wish
you were never born

* As I insult your wardrobe,
causing you such pain
and humiliation

* That you scream
from the depth of your soul

* As your eyes roll back
into your head
Eyes!

* And your toenails
carve grooves into
my Italian marble floor

Marble!
(laughs)

But I digress.
Digress.

Two, three, four!
Get 'em, boys!

Come to Papa.

(screaming)

I'll stop 'em.

(screaming)

(alarm)

(monkeys) * Eye, eye,
eye, eye, eye

* The eye, oh, no

* The eye, eye, eye, eye
The eye sees all

* The eye, eye, eye, eye

* Here comes the eye

* The witch is in the house

* The witch is in the house

* Eye, eye, eye, eye
* The witch is in the house

(witch) * Now give it up,
I'm taking the shoes

* Audition's over
and this time you lose

* Look for all the gory details
on the ten o'clock news

* Watch out

* The witch is in the house

Watch out!
The witch is in the house.

(revs engine)

(tires screech)

(Toto) Hey! I can't see!

I'm going to hyperventilate, OK.
I can't even see, OK.

I'm going to hyperventilate.

Whoo-hoo!
Nice meeting ya, fellas!

Too bad you went
to pieces on us!

(laughs)

Sal, let's go, let's go.
Come on. Time is money, huh?

We're on the air
in three, two...

Bonjour!

Witch of the West coming
at you from my lair of evil.

Good news, fans.
In order to keep up
with the Joneses,

I've decided to lend my talent
to reality television.

Today, you'll see me
do my hair,

take my daily
bottled-water bath,

and as an added bonus...

I'll try on
some awesome footwear

that will help me
totally rule all of Oz.

I'm never giving you
my shoes, Witch!

We'll see about that,
won't we?

(Witch) Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Why me? I don't have
the magic shoes! Why me?

(cries)

So, Dorothy,
any last words

before suffering
the agony of...

"de-feat"?

Wait, wait! Hold that!
Wait, that's a great pun, honey.

(Toto screams)

Ow!

Ow! Why are you poking me?

We're tenderizing you
so you taste better!

Oh, well, then...
(laughter)

He screamed good that time.
Are you sure
you want to eat me?

After all,
I am a stand-up comic.

So?
So?

You should never
eat the comedian.
They taste funny.

Ha!

Was that supposed
to be a joke?
Yes.

But seriously, it must be tough
being a flying monkey, right?

Hey, you know why
your motorbikes won't
stand up on their own?

They're two-tired!
Wacka, wacka!

(moans)

(laughter)

The motorbike has two tires!

Two tires! (laughs)

It's funny on many levels.

(gibbers)

Dorothy.

Before I die, just once,

I want to hear a woman
say she loves me, OK?

Oh, Toto.
That's so sweet.

Of course I love you.

Uh... Look, Dorothy,
I'm flattered, OK.

But I can't commit myself
to just one womens, OK.

I hope we can still be friends.

But you just told me
to tell you--
Sí, sí, sí.

I know you're feeling hurt.
I understand.

But time and a razor-sharp blade
cutting into your leg

will help you forget
all about me, OK.

Oh, the womens.

Oh, the razor blades.

(screams)

(laughter)

Hey, who here likes
comedy magic tricks?
Ooh, I do!

OK!

I will need some keys.

Like those used to open cages.

Who's got the keys?
Sweetums has the keys.

Will these keys do
for your comedy magic act?

Ah, they're perfect!
Thank you!
You're welcome.

OK, now everybody
close your eyes

and put your hands
on the floor.

Now, say the magic words,
"owah tafoo lyam," four times.

(all) Owah tafoo lyam.

Owah tafoo lyam.

Owah tafoo lyam.

Owah tafoo lyam.

He's gone!
He's gone!

That's comedy and magic!
Yeah!

OK, big dramatic ending, babe.
Here it comes.

Wait for it.

Hey, what are you
doing, Johnny?
Hmm?

Oh, I just got
this jacket cleaned. OK.

I'll save you!
Lion!

Whoa!
Oh, gosh.

Don't just stand there -
get him!
I am getting him.

In a nice wide shot
with you in the foreground.

Oh, good. Nice.

Hi, Mom!

Excuse me,
could I trouble you
to kill someone for me?

OK. (growls)
Thank you.

(screams)

Whoa!

* Calling all Munchkins,
let's do lunchkins, uh... *

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on,
come on come on.

What took you so long?
(Lion) Oh, ow! Oh!

It's hot.
Let's get this.

That tickled. Take that.
You're ticklish?

The big lug's ticklish!
(laughs and groans)

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

All right, Alpha Team,
Crustacean emancipation.

Delta Team, come with me.
Disengage Dorothy.

All right, team leaders,
isolate and secure
these silver shoes.

(witch) No!

You know, you're a pest.
Munchkin, actually.

And you know
what I do to pests?

Well, you welcome us
as part of an unconventional
multispecies family?

I kill pests!
Until they're dead!

(choking)

Check it out.
Your little show's
about to be canceled.

All right, Gale.

This ends now,
once and for all.

Bring it!
Let's go!

It's on!
I'm ready!

Come with it.
I...

You...

I'm out.
Let's just fight now.
Hiiii...

Uh-oh. Somebody's gonna
get witch-slapped.
We're outta here, boys.

...iii...

And then, just as Dorothy
and the Wicked Witch

charge at each other...
Bam!

Blowout fight scene.

The gals whip out
these huge samurai swords,

and they just tear it up.

I'm talking kung fu!
(whimpers)

I'm talking walking
on walls!

I'm talking explosions
everywhere!

(explosions)
(whimpers)

I'm talking Oz in flames!

Burn, baby, burn!

You digging it?
Uh... Yeah...

That sounds a bit violent
for a family film.

OK. Cool, cool. OK.

We pull back
on the fight scene.

No explosions,
no "burn, baby, burn."

Mm-hmm.

All right, you know,
less kung fu.
Yeah, yeah.

But instead, what we have...

Are you ready?
You ready?
Yeah.

Morphing.
Morphing?

Morphing.
Crazy morphing!

We're talking Piggy
transforming into Gonzo.

Mutating into Scooter.

Scooter turning into
a big, busty vampire vixen

who explodes
in a sea of crimson blood!

All done in the classic
Japanese anime style,
you know, like, for the kids.

I... yeah.
Sounds... expensive.

OK, OK. Uh...
Think, think, think,

think, think, think,
think, think, think, think.

I can work with this -
don't worry. Think, think...

I got it.

Dorothy big, bad Dorothy

goes to kick
the Wicked Witch...

Are you ready?
Yeah.

You ready for this?
Here it comes! Yes, yes!

...in the face!

Oh, now,
that we can afford!
Yes!

Hiiii...

...ya!

Hii-ya to you, too!

That all you got?
A bottled-water bath?

What's next?
A deadly pedicure?

(laughing)

Why am I itching?
What kind of water is this?

Oh. Oh, I...

We most definitely filled
it up with bottled water.

Ain't that right, Sal?
Oh, yeah. Right, Johnny.

100 percent.
Ain't that right,
Angel Marie?

Oh, uh... well, when we
ran out of that stuff,

I topped her off
with a hose.

What? I told you to use
only bottled water!

Oh, no!
Oopsy.

What a horrible way to...
My bad.

I'm not melting.
I'm getting skinny!

Oh! I'm getting skinny!

(singsong) * Ha ha ha ha ha!
I win! I win!

What?

Oh, nuts.

No!

(screams)

(snorts)

(bell)

Uh... should I cut?

What? What?
Yeah, cut.

Whoa! Hey!

Fabulous performance, darling.
Fabulous! That's incredible!

What a performance.
Unbelievable, ba... by.

Oh!

No, sugar patch.
How could it be?

You were deathly allergic
to tap water!

Oh.

I don't think she can
hear you, Johnny...

I know she can't hear me!

(sobbing)
(dog barking)

No, no, baby. Don't look.
D-d-d-don't look.

Don't look.

Mama melted.
What?

(whimpering)

Ugh.

We must be strong.

Go to your happy place,
you rotten little dog.

What does she got there?
Got it!

Her magic eye!
(sobs)

What happened?

Oh, the witch is no longer
in the house, OK?

She is down the drain.
We melted her.

(cheering)

Wait, why are you guys
hugging me?

You're her vile henchmen.

Vile? No.

We were just a gentle band
of motorcycle enthusiasts

until the witch put us
under an evil spell

and enslaved us with her...
her enchanted biker cap.

(all gasp)
Enchanted biker cap!

Since you wasted her,

this hat rightfully
belongs to you.
Give her the hat.

And now we must obey
any order you give us!

Yeah, like, you can have
everyone spank me

and call me names!

Or not.

First, we need to pick up
some friends of mine.

(all) Yeah!

OK, here's how we get
out of this place.

Quick, get me
a soldering iron,

a jar of flux
and some corn chips.

Oh, no! Flying monkeys!
Roll away, roll away!

(screams)
(motorcycle engine)

Oh, Dorothy!
Dorothy!

Thank goodness!

Dorothy!

You guys didn't think
I'd forget you, did you?

No, but what happened?
Yeah!

It would take too long
to explain.

No, no, no. I
explain, I explain.

What happened was,
the witch, she decided...

Flying monkeys,
put 'em back together.

(Scarecrow) Oh, great.

(metal clanking
and motors whirring)

(buzzing)
(Scarecrow) Ouch.

Hey, easy. OK...

Thank you.
(Scarecrow)
You're all backwards.

Gee, I can see my rear end.

I must be working out, huh?
(laughter)

Flying monkeys, take us
to Emerald City.

We have an appointment
with the wizard.
(cheering)

Come on, everybody!
Come on!

What are you doing here
so... alive?

With flying monkeys?

We're here to see the wizard.
But you don't have
an appointment.

This is our appointment.
(all) Yeah!

No!
Come on, guys.

No, you can't! No!

The wizard won't...
No, you can't do that.

(Scarecrow) You can't
stop us now.
Ow!

That's right, that's right!
(Tin Thing) Open the door!

Come on. Come on, guys.

Follow me.

(Dorothy) We got the eye.
We want what you prom... ised.

(murmuring)

(Lion) This is what
I was afraid of?

(Scarecrow)
It's not even green.

What's going on?
Wait, stop.

Stop!
You must wear the glasses

or you will fry from
the wizard's brilliance!

Really? 'Cause...
you're not frying.
Yeah.

(meep)

Oh. Well, uh... um...

It burns! Oh!

My face sizzles and cooks
before your very eyes!

Oh, the horror!
The horror!

(meeping)

Huh?
(meep)

Oh. (clears throat)

Um... Well...
(clears throat)

I guess they're not
buying it, Beakie.

So, we must away.
(clears throat)

Toodle-oo.

(wizard) I am Oz,
the great and terrible!

Jeepers, fellas,
the joint is haunted!

Yeah! Make like
we're running away!

It's OK! It's all right!
Get back here.

(wizard) Why do you seek me?

Because we want
what you promised!
Yeah!

(wizard) Oh, dear me.
This is sudden. Uh...

Come back tomorrow

during normal business hours
8:30am and 5:30pm.

No way! You've had
enough time already!
Yeah.

Sí. You better keep
your promise or...

I'll go cyclone in here!

Hey!

(gibberish)

(gibberish)

(gasps for air)

Ah!

(on PA) We're done here!

Uh... Yeah...
We can see you.

No, you can't!
I'm invisible!

Stop. Seriously, you're
embarrassing yourself.

Oh!

Oh, boy.

Hello.

So you're the wonderful
Wizard of Oz?

I'm a little afraid
of heights. Uh...

Hi, how are ya?
Good to see ya.
Hi.

Well, so, uh...

I'm Francis Kornfine
at your service.
Let me see this!

I'm sorry. It says I'm
from Hollywood, California.

And it says that I drive
a tour bus.

I gotta tell you,
this is more than
a little disappointing.

So that's why you wanted
the eye.

You were afraid
the Wicked Witch

would see you for what
you really are - a big phony!

No, um... Yes.

Something...
Well, something like that.

You're a bad man.
No.

I have to disagree.
I'm not a bad man.

I'm... You know...
But I'm a bad wizard.

I gotta tell ya,
I-I never set out
to trick anyone.

It's just, I got here,
and everybody,

they just, they assumed
that I had this thing.

That I was this
all-powerful wizard.

Why would they think that
about you?
You know why?

Because I-I-I
could do this.
(gasping)

Oh, my goodness!
Wow!

Oh, do that again!
Do that again!
It's amazing!

They're simple people,
but, oh, they're loving.

Did you ever tell anyone
you weren't a wizard?

No! You know, one of
the secrets of show business

you gotta give them
what they want, you know.

Then give us what we want!

Yeah, and explain
how you turned into

such a sexy chicken.

All right, all right.
I'll do it.

I'm not really a wizard,
but I-I'll do it.

I'll give you
- every one of you -
what I, uh, promised.

Give me two hours.
Two hours.

(crowd noises)

(man) She's coming out!
(man #2) Dorothy! Dorothy!

Dorothy! Over here!
Ooh, ooh,
Dorothy! Dorothy!

Would you sign
my boomerang fish?
Sure.

He's your biggest fan!

(chuckles)

Wow! Thank you!
You're welcome.

I wish they could see
this back in Kansas!

And here she comes -
Emerald City's Dorothy Gale.

So, Dorothy, how does it feel
to be the biggest star in Oz?

I don't know!
I'm surprised everyone
likes me so much.

They haven't even
heard me sing!

You heard it, folks.
Dorothy Gale,
the biggest star in Oz.

Even though no one's
ever heard her sing!

(glass shatters)

Dorothy!
Dorothy! This way!

No, no, no.
No, no, no.

No, listen, Eisner, baby.

If you think we're going
for that deal,

you're out of your
Mickey mind, OK?

I can't talk right now.
I gotta run. I gotta run.
I gotta run!

(* theme music over TV)

(static)

Ladies and gentleman -
and unisex penguins

live from Emerald City,

it's the wonderful
Wizard of Oz!

(cheering and applause)

(wizard) Ah, thank you.

Oh, this is so exciting!

Oh, thanks. Thank you.
Please. Come on!

Thank you.
Thank you. Listen...

Um... I-I-I called
you all together
tonight, so...

so the good folks
of Emerald City and Oz
at large can...

finally know the truth. I...

(sighs)

I am not who I appear to be.
(gasping)

You see, I'm just...

an ordinary guy...
from Hollywood.

That's a beautiful place
where people keep their word

and a deal is always honored.

(all) Nah-uh.

You see, I made a promise
to some brave folks,

and I want to keep that promise
in front of everyone!

So...

your wizard is gonna
grant some wishes!

(applause and cheering)
Come on. Come on!

Oh, I love wizards!
First of all,

let's bring out... the lion.

(cheering)

(mumbling)

Welcome, Mr. Lion.

I-I believe you asked
for some courage.

Yes. Yes, I did.

And-And courage
you shall have.

This golden microphone
of bravery

will certainly end
any debate

as to who's really
the king of beasts.

There you go.
Let me turn this on for you.

Whoa!
Uh-huh.

Wow! I guess I do
feel a little braver.

So, two ducks waddle
into a bar.

Bartender says...

Get off.
That's not what he says.

No, no, no. Get off.
Oh, that's me. Yeah.

(* theme music)

And now, ladies
and gentlemen...
Tin Thing.

(* theme music)
(applause)

Now, Tin Thing,
you asked for a heart,

and thanks
to my clever scientists

at the Emerald City labs,

your chest...
(gasps)

...will never be empty again.

This won't hurt.
(beeps)

(* theme music)
(applause)

Gosh!

This is...
this is so nice!

What if there were someone
to share that heart... with?

(applause)
Camilla!

Oh, my darling!
I've missed you so much!

(all) Aw!

(all) Aw!

Oh, dar--
Look who's filled out!

(clucking)
I don't mean chubby.

I mean in a nice--
Would you excuse us?

Yes, take it offstage.
Come on.

(applause)

Let's not forget...
the scarecrow.

(* theme music)
Oh!

Hey, guys.
Hey, Scarecrow!

Well, Mr. Scarecrow,
you've asked for nothing
more than a brain.

Mm-hmm.
Now, from this day forth,

your knowledge
shall know no bounds.

Oh.

But, um... to grant your wish,
I have to take your head off.

(gasps)

Uh... Could I...

could I think about it?

No. You have no brains.

Oh. Good point.

Bring in the brains.

(applause)

(speaks mock Swedish)

Thank you.
(hums)

All right, quiet, please.
I need absolute...

concentration.

Sh, sh!
Quiet! Sh!

Drum roll, please.

(drum roll)

Uh...

Huh...

(all scream)

What are you...?
What are you...? Oh!

(giggling)

(Kermit) This is surreal!

Or should I say, cereal?

(cheering)

(applause)

And now you will be
a great man.

For I have given you
a lot of bran new brains!

(laughter)

That's funny?

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

(whispering)
Oh, right down there,
to the left.

Left. Thanks!

And finally, it's time
for Oz's newest
overnight sensation to sing.

My spotlight now belongs
to Miss Dorothy Gale.

(cheering)

* It's a good life

* A happy ending
where you landed

* It's a good life

* Don't you love
how it's turning out?

* It's a good life
Oh!

* See what happens
when you take your chances

* It's a good life

Stop! Stop the music.

(cheering)

(music stops)

I'm sorry,
but this whole thing is a lie.

It's no different than
those fake green glasses
in Emerald City!

Or that applause machine.

Oh! Oh, oh...

You see, this wizard
hasn't given you anything
you didn't already have!

I've never had such
a shiny microphone before.

The point is,
wizard or no wizard,

you were already brave,
kind and smart.

Well, gee, I didn't think
I was thinking,

but, come to think of it,
I think I was thinking. Ha.

Makes you think.

(Wizard) OK, I'm...
I'm really upset.

Dorothy, you say
I-I didn't grant your wish.

But you're on television.

Millions hang
on your every word.

Yes, I control the programming
and nothing else is on,

but you're famous,
Dorothy. You're a star.

And that, I gotta say it,
that's, uh...

that's because of me.

You really want to
grant my wish, Wizard?

Send me home, to Kansas,
to my family.

Dorothy,
you consider it done.

Really? Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

I knew you couldn't be
completely useless.
When do we leave?

Well, um, actually, you have to
visit the fourth witch, Glinda,

the Good Witch of the, um...

of the South.

You gotta be kidding me!

Another witch? Great.
How do I find this one?

Sí, sí. What freaky land
we got to visit now, guy?

Tomorrowland, Adventureland,
Canada.

The wizard
possesses a magic eye

to, uh... give us all
the, uh, answer.

Dude, I know all about the magic
eye. I gave it to you, remember?

Oh, yes. Ah!
Well, there she is.

She's in Munchkinland.

Can you see that?

She's... she's, uh...

She's visiting her sister,
Tattypoo.

the Good Witch
of the, um... North.

All right, guys.
Back to Munchkinland.

Oh, well.

OK.

You're not so scary.

Hmph!
(* theme music)

(applause)

Yeah, this is it.
I definitely...

This is Munchkinland.
I've seen it in the postcards.

Welcome back, Dorothy.

I'm glad to see your quest
for fame was such a triumph.

You're now the most
talked-about diva
in all the land.

I saw you on TV.
TV! I saw her on TV!

Yes, I know.
Yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, but where can
I find your sister Glinda?

(muppet) Here's your
cattuccino, Glinda.

Right here, dear.

Where you goin'?

Shoo, shoo, shoo.

Enchanté.

Oh! Mm.

And who is this sophisticated
and distinguished gentleman?

Well, my name is Toto.
It's a pleasure...

Not you.

How is it we've never met?

Well, I've spent a lot of time
hanging around on the farm...

literally.

Ah, good one!

Thanks.
Ooh, how intriguing.

I love agriculture.
Oh?

Plowing the fields,
rolling in the hay...

Um, guys?
Hate to interrupt,

but the wizard said
you can help me get home.

It's true.

Just say goodbye to your friends
and... I will show you the way.

Well, guys.

Guess this is goodbye.
(all) Aw!

(muppet) We're really
gonna miss you, darling.
(squeak)

(muppet #2) Yeah.
What?

You were the best boss
we ever had.

I think it's time for you
to be your own boss.

Oh, I don't believe
you're gonna do it!

(all cheer)

I'm sorry,
I'm not following.

The monkey gets the hat?

The monkey gets the hat?

The monkey gets the hat.

Huh.

Looks like this is finally it.

We must be brave,
Dorothy.

Oh, oh!

(sobs)

Goodbyes always
break my heart. (sobs)

Aw.

I love you guys.

I'll never forget you.

Oh.

I'll never
forget you, either.

Toto, you sure...

No! Don't speak,
my little Dorothita.

Just go!

Don't look back, OK?

Because if you do,
I fear my tears would...

So how do these things
work, anyway?

Is there a bus
or something?

No, it's your shoes. They have
the power to take you anywhere.

Really? Anywhere?

Well, I wish someone
would have told me this

before these magic shoes
gave me these magic blisters.

What? Look, this is how things
work in enchanted lands.

The thing you were looking for
was there all along! Jeez!

Do you wanna get home or not?

Thanks, sis.

All you have to do is knock
your heels together three times,

and command the shoes to take
you wherever you wish to go.

(sighs)

I hope this works.

(muppets) One, two, three!

Take me home to Aunt Em!

Bye, Dorothy!

Yeah. We'll miss you.

Hey, need any help
with the early-bird rush?

Dorothy!

You're alive!

Look at you! Man,
when that twister hit

and flew off with the house,

well, we thought
that you were...

Well, where on earth
have you been, Dorothy?

And what are you wearing?

What's wrong
with my clothes now?

Guess which refrigerator broke
down when you were gone? The...

Don't worry, Uncle Henry.
I don't want to fight.

I just want to say...
you were right.

Wanting to be a big star
made me forget what
I really love about singing.

When you're doing it right,
I mean really singing,

you don't notice
where you are anyway.

I don't think
I'm leaving Kansas for a while!

Well, somebody's gonna
be sorry to hear that.

He's been in here every day
asking about you.

And eatin' up
all the flowers.
Mm-hmm.

Mr. Kermit?

Oh, Miss Gale!

Oh, I'm so glad
that you're all right!

Hey, we listened to your demo,

and you're the best singer
that we heard anywhere!

We're hoping
you'll join our tour!

Oh, wow!
I can't believe it!

But... I can't leave now.

I just got home
with my family.

Oh.

Well, OK. Uh...

Thank you
for your time. Um...

I mean, there was that
one other girl in Nebraska

who was all right...

Kermit, w-wait.
Don't leave yet.

OK.

Dorothy, when that wind picked
up our house and blew it away,

it gave me a whole new
perspective on what home
is really about.

If you want to go on tour
and sing, I want you to go.

because now I know
you'll always be home with us,

no matter
where you are.

You mean it?
Come on.

Wanna get some, Kermit?
We're family now.

Ah.

You guys are great.

Well, Kermit.
Yeah?

Guess I'm going with you!

Great!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Dorothy Gale!

(applause and cheering)

* Ah-ha, whoa

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* I got a feeling
that we did something right

* Everything looking up,
future shining bright

* I gotta get the message out,
send it loud and clear

* All you need is right here

* Who said happiness
is so far away?

* Closer than you might think,
find it every day

* Step back, you'll see
you're part of a family

* It's a good life

* A happy ending
is where you landed

* It's a good life

* Don't you love
how it's turning out?

* It's a good life

* See what happens
when you take your chances?

* It's a good life

* Come on
and find what I've found

(Animal) Good life! Good life!

Oh, that's my niece!

It's my niece.
That's my niece!

* Yeah

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Dorothy Gale!

(applause and cheering)

Yay! Yay!