The Mouse on the Moon (1963) - full transcript

[ Machines Clattering ]

? [ Caliope Jazz Music
over Machine Clattering]

[ Whistle Blowing ]

[ Hiccups ]

[ Bottles Clanking]

[ Hiccups ]

[ Bottle Corks Popping ]

[ Bottle Corks Popping ]

[ Bottles Clanking ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Match Strike followed by
Sound of Cord Burning ]



[ Bottle Rocket taking off ]

? [ Caliope Jazz Continues ]

? [Jazz Band Picks-up Melody ] ?...

[ Man Narrating ]
This is the world
as seen from the moon.

It is 238,816 miles away.

This is the continent
of Europe,

covering an area
of four million square miles.

And this is
the Duchy of Grand Fenwick,

which covers an area of 5 miles
by 3...and 7 acres.

Founded five centuries ago by
an Englishman:
Sir Roger Fenwick,

it is the smallest and least
progressive country in the
world.

Parade... March !

? [ Fanfare ]

We are witnessing
preparations by the entire army
for trouping the count.



Grand Fenwick clings loyally
to her British traditions.

? [ March ]

One could almost imagine
one's self back in London's
Horse Guard's Parade.

This is the present beloved
ruler of this tiny duchy,

the ever-regal: Gloriana XIII.

This is David Benter,
leader of the loyal opposition,

and this is....

The hereditary prime minister
is Count Rupert of Mountjoy,

one of Europe's
most undistinguished statesmen.

A canny politician,
he is a dedicated advocate
of the fundamental doctrine...

that what's good for him is not
necessarily good for the
people.

As prime minister,
Mountjoy accepts with pride...

his obligation
to his sovereign monarch...

to fulfill his role
on these state occasions.

- Fire !
A highlight of the Duchess's
birthday celebration...

-Load ! Ready !
...is a stunning salute by
a crack gunnery division
of the army.

-Fire !

[ Drumroll ]

? [ Fanfare ]

[ Narrator ]
The combination of this moving
ceremony...

is a review of the Imperial troops
by Prime Minister Mountjoy.

? [ March ]

-Army... Attention !

-Now... Arms !

-Move to the left in file !

-Attention !

-Straight March !

-Eyes... Right !

Bravo ! Splendid !
Such precision.

? [ March ] Continues

That man
needs a haircut.

Do up those buttons.

Filthy fingernails.

[ Narrator ]
But a country can not live
by pageantry alone.

Wine is the lifeblood
of Grand Fenwick.

Its only products and exports
are simple but pleasant wines,

which owe their delicate
bouquet to the traditional
method...

of pressing and bottling.

But suddenly this year,

a series of inexplicable
disasters occurred.

[ Ticking ]

[ Explosion ]

[ Foghorn Blowing ]

?

I name this ship
Indestructible.

[ Explosion ]

[ Narrator ]
To meet Grand Fenwick's
economic crisis,

an emergency meeting of
the country's leaders
was called.

Gentlemen, we have to face
the unpleasant fact...

that our wine
just doesn't travel.

But, Your Grace, our wine has
traveled for centuries.

Well, it doesn't now,
and even if it could it can't,
because they won't let it.

You can say that again,
Bobo, if you don't mind.

The fact is, Your Grace, I have
today received communications
from England and America.

They have banned all
future imports of our wine.

Unwarranted provocation.
Take it to the United Nations.

The current session
of the United Nations
has been suspended...

following the explosion
of a case of our wine
in the main canteen.

My game, I think.
[ Dog Barking ]

Well, what are you
gonna do about it ?

Unless we export our
wines, we'll go broke.

Well, I had rather interesting...
[ Explosion ]
What's that ?

- Oh, I had asked our team
of scientists...
-Team ?

Professor Kokintz--to make a
current detailed analysis of
the current vintages.

We must all experiment
all the time in our own way.

We are all as anxious
as the next woman...

to get to the bottom
of the barrel...mystery.

Well, isn't it getting time for
me to open parliament?

? [ Fanfare ]

[ Gavel Bangs ]

Gentlemen, you are all aware
that we face a grave crisis
in the wine industry.

If we are to lose our
main source of income,

then we must take
new and drastic steps
to save the economy.

Nay more, to save
the very existence
of our beloved country.

[ Man ] Such as ?
-Such as...installing indoor plumbing.

Indoor plumbing ?

Precisely. Indoor plumbing to...
encourage the tourist trade.

All you want is
a hot bath for yourself !

Does anyone really think
that our country's
tragic situation....

can be rectified by
installing a few
indoor privies ?

Modern living demands
indoor privies !

- Everyone wants them.
- I don't; they're not sanitary !

Surely this is a matter which
should be discussed
by the privy council.

I hardly think so your grace !
It isn't that kind of
privy council.

Oh, what a pity.
Carry on, then.

[ Crowd Booing Outside ]

[ Woman ]
Mountjoy to the gallows !

[ Man ] Save our economy !
- Good morning, Cynthia.

Oh, good morning,
Uncle Bobo.

Mountjoy to the gallows !

Benter, you know the Constitution
as well as I do.

I warn you, if you don't keep
that daughter of yours under
control,

I shall have her beheaded...
or worse.

Oh, you try.
Just you try.

Gentlemen, gentlemen !
To business.

To business.

To carry out this
new economic policy,

I intend asking the United
States for financial aid.

Oh, please, Uncle Sam, we
want a loan for our plumbing
for our castle.

No, never, never.

Do you really think I would
allow the American government...

to know the true reason
why we seek a loan ?

Accuse me of anything you like,
but never of being an amateur.

But Bobo, didn't I read that
their nice young president...

you know, What's-His-Name-- had
just drastically reduced all
foreign aid ?

Precisely, Your Grace. But
remember the Americans
are a strange people.

Above all,
they want to be loved,

especially
by the uncommitted nations.

They will spare no expense
to make themselves popular.

I propose that we request
a loan for research...

to build a rocket
to send a man to the moon.

- Rocket ? We can't even
build fireworks.
- [ Men Laughing ]

Right. The Americans will
not give us one penny...

if we had the remotest chance
of sending a rocket anywhere,

but they are always talking
about international co?peration in space.

And this offers them the
opportunity without risk,
as they say in Texas,

to put their money
where their mouth...was.

- We can become a third force.
- Precisely, Your Grace.

I'm against it.
It's dishonest, indecent.

It's taking money
under false pretenses.

How much you gonna ask for ?

Half a million dollars.
Peanuts to the Americans.

[ Explosion ]
[ Men Murmuring ]

Prof. Kokintz appears
to be opening another bottle.

[ Glass Rattling ]

[ Rocket Blasting-off ]

?

Would you have the goodness
to rephrase that question, sir ?

Forgive me, but I'm
something of a new boy
press-conference-wise.

Has the rocket
achieved its objective ?

I'm happy to say we've landed on
the moon where it's supposed to,
target-wise.

- But there's no news ?
- No news is good news.

But other than hitting the
moon which has been done
before,

nothing new
has so far been learned ?

That is a correct analysis
of the present situation.

Mr. Secretary, does this
mean we are lagging behind
the Russians...

in the race
to get a man on the moon ?

So far as I'm aware,
this country is not engaged
in any race to the moon.

-May I rephrase the question?
-Please do.

If it was a race, would you say
we were running second ?

That's a fair question.
Let me put it this way:

If it was a race, I personally--
underscore personally--

would find it hard
to state categorically...

and with certitude
that we were running first.

- Does that answer
your question?
- No.

Isn't this so-called giant
step forward just another step
back ?

No, sir-- Pardon me, ma'am.
In man's race--

Sorry. In man's bid
to conquer space,

any step in whatever direction
is always a step in the right
direction.

It's been suggested that you
have received messages from the
robot...

but are keeping dark about
them for security reasons.

No comment.
Thank you, gentlemen.

[ Chattering ]

Mr. Secretary, that suggestion
that the robot has sent back
information--

Nonsense. It's a dead duck.
What's next ?

Von Neidel
is outside, sir.

Von Neidel ?
What does that crazy
Kraut want ?

-You, sir...with an air of
urgency.
-Have him come in.

-Max.
-Mr. Secretary, we Americans
have to go now.

-Go ? Where ?
-To the moon.

If we do not go now, the
Russians will send a man
there first.

-Take it easy, Max. Have a
cigar.
-N-No, no.

Our information is that
they're as far off it as we are.

But we are not far off it.
We can go tomorrow.

Today. Yesterday.

Sure, we can get a man there...
Can we get him back ?

I'm issuing no one-way tickets
on this line, Max.

Of course there are risks, the
surface of the moon
is just one of them.

But this robot will not
give you the answer.

Maybe it's given us
the answer already, Max.

If the lunar surface
is nothing but soft dust,

that would account
for the robot's silence
wouldn't it ?

So you send 50 more,
and we wait 50 years ?

To safeguard the lives
of two American boys,

I'd wait a thousand
years, Max.

Wouldn't you ?

No.

There's a file here from the
State Department for
your comments and suggestions.

The Duchy of Grand Fenwick.
Oh, not again !

-Requesting a loan of a
half a million dollars.
-Loan ?

That is not my pigeon.

For rocket research,
with a view to putting
a man on the moon.

-Are you trying to be funny?
-Me, sir ? No, sir.

"The people of Grand Fenwick have
always admired your president's
oft-expressed sentiments...

on the desirability of truly
international co?peration
on space exploration."

This guy Mountjoy
is some kind of a nut.

But sincere, sir.

You think so, how much are we spending
on a conservative estimate
on Project Apollo ?

About $20 billion.

Twenty billion,
and he asks for $500,000 ?

It wouldn't even buy a
second had space suit,
and he knows it.

Don't forget they do have
Prof. Kokintz ?

Kokintz?

The physicist. In his day,
he was a great brain.

One old scientist and a
Bunsen burner.
Don't make me laugh.

The sentiment
seemed genuine.

Nothing of the kind,
Wendover.

Never underestimate the wiles
of a crooked European statesman.

But then, why
do they want the money ?

Plumbing for the castle, probably.
-Plumbing ?

-Something like that.
-Then we recommend a polite refusal.

No, Wendover, we don't. Repeat, don't.
-Don't ?

We'll refuse a loan and recommend instead an
out-right gift of twice the amount.

-We'll give them $1 million.
-But they only asked for $500,000.

-What will they do with the surplus?
-That's their problem.

I still don't understand.

Which, Wendover,is why you
are standing up
and I am sitting down.

Grand Fenwick
couldn't build fireworks.

So, without risk, the U.S. can
encourage international
space research.

This will hit the uncommitted
nations right between the eyes.

They'll love us, and it'll only
cost one million lousy dollars.

Wendover,this is the cheapest
major diplomatic stroke...

the world has ever seen...
prestige-wise.

"Finally it is clear...

"that America
does not want...

the true international
co?peration in the space."

[ Clapping ]

[ Secretary ]
To answer my colleague from the
Soviet Union...

I am happy to announce
that the United States...

is making an outright gift of a
substantial sum of money to a
European nation...

for the express purpose
of research...

with a view to their sending
a man to the moon.

Protocol prevents me from naming
the country concerned,

since the official news has not
yet been conveyed
to its head of state.

This, however,
will be announced shortly.

[ Applause ]

Well, that
should be first-class.

Thank you.
I think we scored
diplomacy-wise.

I don't like this one bit, Hugh.
Get onto Intelligence...

and find out what these
tricky ba... what they're up to.

Yes ?
Roger, boss.

[ Radio Static ]

[ Man On Radio ] This is the
Voice of America...
-Ah, the news.

An international roundup
of the latest...in rhythm!

Mountjoy, great news !

-The Americans have replied!
-They have ?

What did they say ?
-Yes, What ? I don't know.

But you said they'd replied.
-No, you said they'd replied.

-Did you or did you not say you
had great news?
-Yes.

-Then we've won.
-No, we've two.

-Two ?
-Two Boblinks in the
forest.

-Two what ?
-Bobolinks.

-What the devil are bobolinks?
-They're rare little birds.

Never found in Europe,
and I found two.

I'm writing to the Times
of London about it!

-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
-Oi, eh...

-Bobolinks !
-You don't seem very pleased
about the bobolinks.

Why should I be pleased about
the blasted boblinks?!
Get out !

Why should I be pleased
about anything ?

Here I am waiting for news
which will make or break me,

and you babble
about bobolinks !

-Oh, I'm sorry.
-And I'm-- sorry I shouted....
Kokintz.

[ Crowd Shouting Outside ]
The truth is, I think I'm
finished.

[ Shouting Continues ]

You see ?
This week tomatoes, next
week, bombs.

Thank heaven
my son is coming home.

Maybe he can cope
with the younger generation.

[ Kokintz ]
You think a mere boy will
succeed where you have failed ?

Ah, he had all the makings
of a great politician, Kokintz.

As a child, he was
fantastically sly and dishonest.

That's why I bundled him
off to England.

These years should have
ripened him nicely.

[ Shouting Continues ]
What was that, then ?

Huh, they're throwing things
at somebody else for a change.

Oh, cheer up.
Maybe things are not as bad
as you think.

No, Kokintz, they don't call me
"Mount Wonder" anymore.

But perhaps my boy will give
these young thugs
a taste of their own medicine.

[ ? Clarinet ]

Father, they
threw things at me.

- Vincent ?
- Yes. Hello, Father.

How are you ?
Oh... I'm sorry.

Father, they threw
things at me. A mob.

I'm not surprised.
Look at you. Those clothes.

It's my college uniform.
I only wore it to please you,
I can't stand the thing.

-Why did they chase me,
who are they?
-Young beatniks.

-Beatniks here ?
-Things have changed.

-Oh, marvelous.
- We live in grave times
my boy.

You may be called upon to be
Prime Minister
sooner than I feared.

-Oh, Father, I'm not ready.
-A Mountjoy must always
be ready !

Your great-great-grandfather
became the Prime Minister
at the age of six.

-Yes, but he was mad.
-Mad maybe, but one of our
greatest prime ministers.

Oh, Father, I don't think I want
to be Prime Minister, not yet.

You'll be prime minister
when I say so...and like it !
[ Stick Bouncing ]

What's that ?
Your school report ?

-No, it's a letter for you, it's
from America I think.
-You idiot !

Give it to me !
-I picked it up at the frontier...

The postman was plucking a
chicken so I thought I'd do him a
favor and bring it on.

Yes, it is ! No, a gift !
The fools fell for it.

-What ?
-Twice what I asked!
We're saved ! Saved !

-Saved ?
-Read it yourself...
Ha-ha, what a stroke !

Peace, prosperity
...and plumbing !

One million
for rocket research ?

Man on the moon ?
Father, this is wonderful !

Not bad, eh ?
[ Laughing ]

-Diplomacy, eh ?
-And father,
you can send me.

-Send you, where ?
-Up.

Yes, Father, up to the moon.
Father that's what I want to be...
an astronaut !

-This is no time for silly jokes !
-But I do, Father.

The money is for modernization,
plumbing, hot, steaming baths.

But you requested it for
rocket research.
It says so here.

It's dishonest to start using it
for baths and plumbing.

-What did you say ?
-It just isn't done.

-Didn't you learn anything
in England?
-Yes, I did.

I learned
to play the game.

My boy.

Sit down.
Let me explain.

It would be dishonest indeed to
use the money for the purpose
for which it was asked.

If nations did that, they would
lose trust in one another.

It's deceiving
the American taxpayer.

The American taxpayer has
always been deceived.
It is his birthright.

But to use it for plumbing
instead of rocket research--

My boy, don't you understand ?
That's good for every taxpayer.

It takes the rivalry
out of the space race,

makes the world safer for it,
and we get our bathtub !

-I don't agree with it.
-I'll announce it on television.

Fireside chat
to the nation.

We've had that set for 3
years, about time we used it.

How shall I begin ?

Good evening.
Brilliant !

[ Crowd Chattering ]

What do you think
he's going to announce ?

I don't know.
But whatever
it is we'll fight it.

Well, there's nothing else
to do here, is there ?

And I'll fight him
with you.

We're gonna get right in and
fight this thing.

Hello.
Remember me ?

Yes, we threw
tomatoes at you.

No, no, before that, we use
to play together as kids
Do you remember ?

She was the first girl
I ever kissed.

We were engaged
when she was six.

[ Laughs ]

So I ask you to back me in my
efforts to put
Grand Fenwick on the map.

Let our watch word be,
"Forward with the people,
The sky's the limit."

Get the idea ?
Goes equally well for rockets or
plumbing.

Very clever.

[ Vincent ]
It's rather dead in here.
Would you like some music ?

I'll-- I'll put it on.

It's all right,
I'll do it.

[ Music Box Tinkling Tune ]

Now, you will please watch which
ever camera is showing
the little red light.

Eh... oh, it's time.

[ Clears Throat ]

Good evening.
This is the Grand National
Television Service.

The prime minister.

- Good evening.
- Wrong camera.

- I'm speaking to you tonight--
- It's the wrong--

Good evening.
I am speaking to you tonight...

because I have news
of tremendous importance...

for the future well-being
of our beloved... country.

Some of you may think that I
have lead the country into a
position...

where you have never
had it so bad.

But I am here today
to tell you...

that our fortunes
are going up.

Recently,
I approached our friends...

in the United States...
of America...

for a loan
to help us in our hour--

our hour of need.

What was
the president's reply ?

[ Cameraman Shouts ]
AHHH ! You got my hand !

[ Chattering ]

[ ?... ]

-Huh ?
-Come on.

[ Chattering ]

Good evening.
A slight technical hitch at
the transmitter...

forces me
to address you personally.

As I was saying, this
generous gift to the country...

- [ Clattering, Shouting ]
would enable us to buy--

As I was saying,
this gift--

[ Chattering, Shouting ]

-What the--
what is it?
-It's a rocket !

[ Screaming ]

Oh, the fools !
We wanted the cash not a
rocket !

[ Glass Breaking ]

What is it ?
Where did it come from ?

It's a space rocket !
I expect it's a reject from
Cape Canaveral.

[ Dog Barking and sound of
Knocking on Rocket]

I repeat, what is it ?
And why is it here ?

This is not, as we feared,
an American rocket.
It is a Russian rocket...

presented with the compliments
of the president and people...

of the Union of Soviet
Socialist Republics.

-Why ?
-Why, they wish to match
the American aid.

Do I take it the prime minister
is seriously contemplating sending a
rocket to the moon, after all ?

- Don't be an ass.
- Unparliamentarily, Bobo.

Well, this ancient rocket, this
propaganda period piece
was sent without engines,

and its space capsule
was designed for a dog.

Most suitable.
I suggest the prime minister
climbs in...

and launches himself to
obscurity as soon as
possible.

If you can't launch it, how are
you going to get rid of it ?

Professor Kokintz informs
us that the rocket is in
three stages.

It is proposed
that we dismantle it,

then reassemble it in the disused
north tower of the castle.

- For what reason ?
- To hide the damn thing.

There is also a possibility
that it can be adapted...

as a large tank for the new
hot water system, but--

- What are the Russians going to
say about that?
- They won't know unless you
tell them.

So far as both the Americans
and Russians are concerned,

we shall be working flat-out
on our moon project.

Is that all then,
gentlemen ?

Then there is one point
we should like to make.

What is that nasty grey tin
thing sticking through the
window,

and how can we
get rid of it ?

All right, boys, all together.
Heave ! And Heave ! Heave !

Good. Come on, now.
Pull it up.

Good morning, boys.
[ Chattering ]

-What are you doing ?
- ...and your muscles will do the rest...

[ Chattering ]
We'll crack as we pull it up
into the sky, and we'll--

[ She Laughs ]
[ He Groans ]

Well, the only thing is left to
run the exterior pipes
corkscrew-like up the walls.

Exterior pipes ?..
[ From Outside ] -Pull me down !

-Won't that mean loss of
heat?
-Can't help that.

Oh, my ! I said me,
not my trousers !

Oh, Cynthia, don't look.

Move your face !
[ Grunts ]

[ Cynthia Laughs ] [He Thuds ]
Right, now start again, shall we ?

Heave !
Come on, heave it up !

This is a hot water
supply, remember.

I'm not going to spend my
American dollars
on a cold bath.

Well, I can't promise
any hot.

Oh. Well, if you don't
give me hot water,
I'll have you--

[ Loud Crash ]
[ Shouting with Echo ] Hey, who did that ?

[ Match Being Struck ]

[ ? ]

[Boiling Sound Growing Stronger ]

[ Cap Rattling ]

[ Steam Sound Receding ]

[ Bell Jingles ]

Thank you.

[ Owl Hooting ]

[ ? ]

All systems go.

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo !

Whoo-whoo !
Lucky dog.

Whoo !
Oh, it's you, Vincent.

-Oh, hello, Professor.
-What are you doing in there ?

I was playing
at being a space dog.

About the closest I'll ever get
to being an astronaut.

You really want to be
an astronaut, don't you ?

-It's all I've dreamed about
since they sent up Sputnik 1.
- We all have our dreams.

- Can I trust you, Vincent ?
- Trust me ?

Not to tell your father,
at least not yet.

I wouldn't tell him anything.
What is it ?

Come with me.
I'll show you a miracle.

-You understand it so far ?
-Yes, of course.

Half the great scientific
discoveries of history
have come by accident.

But none, perhaps...
[ Chicken Clucks ]

-What is it ?
-For 15 years I've searched for
a formula...

to stabilize
nuclear power.

-You mean, you've found it?
-Yes.

-How ?
-Here.

-Not before breakfast,
professor.
-No, no.

This is the stabilizing
factor.

This, our mysterious,explosive and
stable wine of Grand Fenwick.

-I don't believe it.
-Oh, you will.

The wine contains an
astonishing radioactive element,

which I have called Pinotium 64,
which also happens to be my age.

-Yes, but what happens ?
-Well I'll make it simple for
you.

When a positively charged
particle of Pinotium 64...

comes into contact with the
positive charge of particle of,
say, Carbon 14,

the Pinotium particle
immediately and so gently...

changes its charge
to negative,

thus positive and positive
become negative.

Now when a negative charge--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Rooster Crowing ]

Now, this release of particles
is, of course, very slow...

which is why there can be
no chain reaction.

The neutrons released can not
themselves release energy
in the substances used...

as would be the case
in Uranium.

You see ?

Vincent. Vincent ?

-Hmm ?
-You see ?

Oh, yes, of course.
Does it work ?

Take the top off that lamp.

And now hold it.

Hold it very tight.

[ Hissing ]

-It's moving !
- Hold it !

[ Glass Crashing ]

[ Jet Flying ]

This is Captain Johnson
speaking.

We are now cruising at
an altitude of 35,000 feet.

Down below us on your left
is the River Danube,

and on your right,
a naked lady with a lamp.

[ ? ]
[ Bicycle Chain Rattling ]

[ Mumbled ] Wait.

[ Tap Followed by Sproing ]

[ Groans ]

[ Cynthia Laughing ]

Oh. Oh, hello, Cynthia.

What on earth ?
What are you doing ?

-Oh, I'm...I'm training.
-Training for what,
the electric chair ?

No, I'm training--

No. You'd only laugh.
You always do.

Well, try me.
Must be something serious to
bury yourself down here.

It is extremely serious.
Look, can't you guess ?

Well, it can't be running
in those boots.

No, it's not running.
Um... watch this.

Oh.

[ Metal Clanking ]

You really are completely crazy.
Whoever wants to walk up walls ?

- Astronauts.
- Astronauts ?

Oh, yes, we really are going,
the professor and I.

[ Mountjoy ]
Vincent!
Vincent

It's Father.

Cynthia, don't tell him.
Please don't tell him.

Ahh, so he's not here.
So this is where he skulks.

Look at it, punch bags !
Oh. Where is he ?

Uh, I don't know. I just
came in here with a basket.

Cynthia, listen.

This boy worries me.
I think he's touched.

This sudden mad desire to
physical fitness,
it's not healthy.

You're an attractive girl.
Can't you interest him in more
manly things ?

-You know what I mean.
-Well, no, I don't.

Oh, come on !

When I was his age,
I wasn't battering punch bags.

There wasn't a lady-in-waiting
who had to wait a minute.

- You know what I mean.
[ Vincent Yelps ]

What was that ?

I should never have sent him
to that British public school.

Maybe it's not too late.
Perhaps he's just retarded.

See what you can do.

You know,
bring him down to earth.

[ Crash then Grunts, Groaning ]

-Are you all right ?
-Yes, I'm--

Yes, I'm fine.

[ Horns Honking ]

Well, my apologies, gentlemen,
for bringing you here
on a Saturday afternoon,

but I spent this a.m.
with the P.M.

Well, anyway,the Prime Minister
agrees that Britain is faced...

with an extremely serious
situation, and not one
moment must be lost--

[ Knocking ]
Yes ?

Ah !
[ Chuckles ]

Tea, Smithers. Good. On a
Saturday afternoon.
Well done.

How did you
organize that ?

Well, you see, sir, I happen
to know just where things are.

Ah, jolly good.
Uh, yes.

Excellent chap, that.
A man to watch. Initiative.

Help yourselves to sugar.
I'm afraid there are no
biscuits.

It appears the biscuit cupboard
is kept locked over the weekend.

Not to worry, David, old boy.
Looks like an excellent cup.

Thank you, Simon, thank you....
Now, where was I ?

You were saying you suspected
the biscuit cupboard was locked.

Yes. No, no,
before that, I mean.

Ah, yes, I remember, yes.
Our problem.

Well, the P.M. feels that
not a moment must be lost.

Could I have the sugar.
I missed it.

-I'm so sorry.
-So I called this emergency
meeting.

Well, now I was
at the conference...

when the Americans
announced this gift
for lunar research.

Didn't like it one bit.
The whole thing sounded
too sincere.

Now, Hugh, you're
the space expert.

Do you care to comment ?

Well, $1 million is totally
inadequate for space research.

-Hmm.
You wouldn't even buy a
secondhand spacesuit.

Cecil, you're
the Grand Fenwick wallah.

What's their position
in the space race ?

Nonstarters
and no ambitions.

Except for this Mountjoy who'd
fly to the moon in a balloon
for enough money.

Yes. Charles,those analyst
on US aims and objectives,

your views.

For all their talk,the Americans
wouldn't give Fenwick a penny...

if they had the remotest
a rocket anywhere.

Well, there we have it.
Independent opinions from
every field agree...

that this money was evidently
not for space research.

And, if I may interject,
the Americans are fully aware...

that the rest of the world
suspects this.

Our task, therefore, is,
gentlemen, to discover...

what the money
was really given for.

[ Sighs ]
Come in, M.I. Five.

Right. Some years ago,
we managed to plant...

one of our agents inside the
Central American Intelligence Agency.

-Jolly good.
-In Washington.

Now, he reports
that Grand Fenwick...

means to use this money
for plumbing for their castle.

That's more like it.
Well, that is a relief.

-It's the obvious answer.
-It's too obvious.

In our opinion, the Americans
have penetrated our fellow...

and are feeding him
false information.

You mean, they want us to
think it's for plumbing
and it isn't ?

Precisely.
In fact it looks like our
American cousins are up to a
nasty game.

- A double double bluff.
- There's a third reason ?

I'm afraid it's rather more
sinister than that.
Would you care to elaborate ?

Certainly.
Briefly, of course.

The Americans announced this
money is for space research.

They know nobody
will believe this.

They know also--

[ Clears Throat ]

They know al--

They know also that attempts
will be made to discover the
real reason,

so they're deliberately
leaking this plumbing story.

If the story's believed,
well and good.

-If not, they're sure they'll
successfully cover the real reason.
-Which is ?

What, in everybody's view,is the
least likely explanation ?

That it's for rocket research.

Therefore, that is precisely
what it is for.

Imagine ! Doing it
openly like that.

Knowing that
we won't believe it.

We are very sure we are right,
but we must have proof.

Comment again, M.I. Five.

We're sending our top grade
agent into Grand Fenwick
posthaste.

-He should know something about rocketry.
-He knows about everything.

German ?

Unfortunately, the last of our
Germans defected to the States
last month.

Not to worry. This fellow
is a master at disguise.

Ohh ! Wh-- Oh !

Bonjour. Je--
Morning.

-Oh, you speak English !
-We all speak English.
What are you speaking ?

Well, English, of course.
I was out bird-watching.

Could you tell me,
am I in Grand Fenwick ?

No, it starts
just inside that gate.

Oh, thank you.
I suppose someone will want to
see my passports--eh, port.

Not here, they won't.
Just walk in.

Oh, really? How primitive.
Thank you so much.

[ ? ]

-Uh, Vincent.
-Hmm ?

-The bobolins have
disappeared.
-Oh, what a shame.

-Professor, will you help me to
hang myself?
-Yes.

No, no, no, by the feet,
and keep me swinging.

-As you wish.
-Good,Just hold that.

-Put your foot in.
-That's it. Lovely.

Ahhh ! Ohhh !

[ Groaning ]

Good heavens !
Hang on ! It's all right !

You're saved ! Hang on !

[ Grunting ]
Stop it !

[ Groaning ]

-Are you all right, dear chap ?
-A bit dizzy.

It's inhuman, medieval.
Why ? What have you done ?

-What brute did this ?
- Oh no, I asked Prof. Kokintz
to do it.

-Kokintz ?
-Yes, I'm training
you see ?

-Training ?
-I'm training to be an
astronaut.

-Oh.
-I shouldn't have said
that.

Nobody's supposed to know.
Forget it, I'm a monkey !

I'm practicing to be
a monkey, not an astronaut.

Of course, yes.
[ Laughing ]

No sign of them.
Oh, good morning.

-Good morning.
-Yes, Prof. Kokintz.

Yes, I'm Morris Spender
of the E.B.W.S.

-E.B.W.S. ?
-Yes, the English Bird-Watching
Society.

I read your letter in the Times
rushed out here posthaste.

- How nice.
-I say, I'd like to see those
"bolobinks."

"Bolobinks" ?
Bobolinks !

That's what I said, good lad.
Bobo-- Bobolinks.

[ Laughs ]
Joke over.

I have a very great
disappointment for you
Mr. Spender.

-They've gone, I hope
only temporarily.
-Oh, I say !

Never mind.
We have many other birds
worth watching.

For example, last Sunday,
down by the river,

I counted seven
different kinds of tit.

Seven ?

Come on, this way.
It's not far now.

I say, just a minute.
Can't go through there.

Why not ? Oh, don't
take any notice of this.

-We're just laying the pipes for
the plumbing.
-That's not what it says.

Our government wants the
Americans to think we're
spending their money on rockets.

-Shall we go ?
-I'll just light my .
cigaretteDo carry on..

Sorry. That's not in use yet.
You'll have to wait.

Wait ? How long ?
Three weeks.

Three weeks ?

Oh, dear, I'll have to make
other arrangements.

-Oh, Professor.
-Yes ?

What's this ?
Really it's our new public
convenience.

So much more private than the
old one. Uh-huh. Mmm. Uh-huh.

-Seems a rather lot of
modernization going on.
-Ah, yes.

And tonight will be a big night,
the very first trial of our
latest installation.

Oh, really ? What ?

The realization of our
Prime Minister's dearest
ambition.

-The latest in plumbing. It's
unbelievable isn't it?
-Ah, plumbing.

It's up in the north tower where
we keep the rocket, it's got
nothing to do with the rocket.

Huh ? Oh, no.
Of course.

Uh-huh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh !

Ah, door.

[ ? ]

London.

Oh, I say, really.

Now stop messing around.
Which one of you has got it ?

Come on.
Who has it ?

-How do you do ?
[ Chuckles ]
-Bird watching.

Sort of nearsighted.

OK, Right.

[ Clattering ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Man ]
All finished, okay.

-Right.
Check the systems.
-All systems are okay.

All systems A-okay ?

All systems in good condition.

All systems in go condition ?

All water pressure's okay !
Right ! Let her go !

[ Water Bubbling ]
[ Man Singing ]

Number two boiler system,
stand by.

- He's going up.
- Let her go when I reach one.

- Ten, nine, eight--
- They can't.

Seven, six, five,

four--

How about tea ?
Yes.

We'll start again from three.

[ Yells ]

[ Singing Continues ]

All clear. Now, we'll bolt on
the shower heads at regular
intervals all around the tail.

-I still think they'll burn up in flight.
-I've told you before...

You only get burning
with friction, you only
get friction with speed.

-Our speed will be too slow.
Now lets begin here.
-Whoa !

It's Mr. Spender.
He's hurt.

Well, how does he come
to be here ?

-Professor,look at this.
-What is it ?

That's his lighter.
It's not a lighter at all.

It's a camera. Look.
There's another one.

- He's a spy.
- A spy ?

What is he spying at ?
Well, us, I suppose.

Then he did say "bolobinks."

Hey ! Don't !

Are you mad ?
Oh ! Uh !

Why did you stop me ?
If I don't shoot myself you will.

-Why should we shoot you ?
-Why ?

Well, that's the penalty
for espionage, isn't it ?

Oh, so you are a spy.
Well who do you spy for?
The Russians ?

I say, steady !
No. The British.

But the British
are our friends.

It is disgusting, isn't it ?

Spare my life.
Give me sanctuary.
I can't go back now.

They're absolutely merciless to failures.

Look, spare my life,
and I'll spill the beans.

I'll tell you everything you
want to know about British
Intelligence.

We don't want to know about
British Intelligence.

Oh, yes you do.
Details of a new barracks.

A secret installation !

I know something absolutely
revolting about the deputy
foreign secretary.

Just get up and tell us
why you're here.

Hmm ? Oh, yeah.
Thank you. Oh !

To find out
about your moon rocket.

You've come to the right people.
What would you like to know ?

So you don't intend sending
a manned rocket to the moon.

Yes, we do. This one.
The professor and I are going.

We've been working night
and day to get it ready.

Yes, we're just
bolting these on.

-Those are showerheads, aren't
they?
-Ah, yes.

But we use them as stabilizing
jet to correct the altitude
of the rocket in flight.

- You understand.
- Oh, showerheads as jets.

Tell me. What sort of fuel
are you using, liquid or solid ?

Neither. We're using a new
sort of atom fuel.
Pinotium 64.

-Professor Kokintz isolated it.
-Yes,from our Grand Fenwick
wine.

[ Laughs ]

I take it this amazing project
has the full support
of your government.

No. They know nothing, they
think it's a hot water system.

- We really must tell them soon.
-Father will explode.
He's against space.

Father-- I wonder you would
mind if I took some more
pictures.

-Take as many as you like.
-So sorry.

Right. Now.
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

Actually, would you--

Let's get the showerheads, eh ?
That's it. Now the furnaces.

I shouldn't bother about the
furnaces, they've nothing to do
with the rocket the really are a
part of the heating.

The department of Whitehall
is very keen on heating plants.

-Why ?
[ Chuckles ]
-They haven't got any.

I seem to think that's all;
Good-bye, Professor.

Thank you so much.
Bye.
-Good Bye !

-Good-bye.
-Good-bye.

Oh, oh, I say.

Happy landings.
[ Chuckling ]

[ Laughing ]

I think he's a bit mad,
Professor.

You know something, Vincent ?
That man doesn't believe
we're really going to the moon.

British spy, eh ?
Mm, splendid.

I've been waiting for that.

Now back he trots and reports
for all out on rocket research.

-I do not think so.
-Hmm ? Why not ?

Because we told him all these
preparations was just a bluff
to fool the Americans.

- You what ?
-We thought he was a bird-watcher,
come to see the Bobolinks.

We didn't know
that he was a spy until--

The British
will tell the Americans...

who will haul us out before the
international court of justice
for misappropriation of their funds.

You said they knew the money
wasn't for rocket research.

They didn't want other countries to know.
That was the whole idea.

We are sunk.

Not if we really could send
a rocket to the moon, Father.

Hmm ? Hmm ?

- Kokintz.
- [ Water Splashing ]

You're always exploding things.

Could you make a realistic
explosion inside that Russian
hot water heater ?

-Russian what ?
-The rocket.

-What's the best way of silencing criticism?
-By actually sending a rocket to the moon.

You're learning, my boy.
We invite representatives of all
the big powers...

to attend the launching of
our manned rocket to the moon.

Sensation. Vincent,
you can be the astronaut.

[ Laughing ]
They all come tongues
hanging out.

Countdown, all systems go.
Then, bang ! She blows up.

Tragedy, tears and,
with any luck,

we sting 'em for another
whacking great loan.

-Father, it won't blow up.
-Make it a small explosion loud,
but not deadly.

Father, will you listen ?
We really are...fufunh !
[ Gags ]

- How long would it take to mock this thing up?
- By the end of the month.

Fine.
It's got to look real, mind.

I'll send the invitations out
right away.

Her Grace,
the duchess of Grand Fenwick,

requests the pleasure of
your company to witness
the launch--

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho !
Their faces.

-Where's your boss ?
-At the gym sir, getting in
shape for his weekend at
Hyannis Port.

Something has cropped up,
Grand Fenwick-wise.

Oh ?

Oh, oh, no.
It's a joke.

That had better be, Wendover.
It had better be.

[ Speaking Russian ]

[ Russian Continues ]

Well, as you can see,
that's obviously plumbing.

Uh-huh.
Uh,

now this is a modern
public, you know..
[ Chuckles ]

And, uh, here.
Oh, sorry about that.

I'll explain that later.

Now, here we come
to the rocket itself.

Now just look at those
shower heads.
Pathetic, isn't it ?

Absolutely no question
of genuine space research there.

Oh, none whatsoever.
Um, sir.

And then there's this
extradionary invitation
to the launch.

Yes. I say, it couldn't be a
misprint for "lunch," could it ?

Hmm ? No, it's quite lauch.
definitelyLook at it.

Well, it's all part
of a gigantic bluff.

-You can take that from me, sir.
-Thank you, Spender.

Because of you, all of Britain
can sleep easier tonight.

Thank you, sir.
One does one's best.

? [ March ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Booing ]

[ Cynthia ] Boo ! Boo !
Mountjoy to the gallows !

[ Shouting Continues ]

[ Cheering ]

[ ? ]

? [ "Rule, Brittania" ]

[ Cheering Continues ]

? [ Volga Boatmen ]

[ Cheering Continues ]

[ Band Stops ]

? [ Columbia, Gem of the Ocean ]

[ Band Stops ]
Gentlemen,welcome to
Grand Fenwick !

Excellency, I understand you're
sending a 2 man
expedition to the moon.

Ah, yes, Prof. Kokintz
and my own brave son.

It is a proud day for me.

Kokintz ? Isn't he
a little old for this game ?

He doesn't seem to think so.
There he is.

Would you care to meet him ?
We still have half an hour
before takeoff.

[ Chattering ]

[ Ass Braying ]

Shouldn't he be in the
capsule,going through checkout
procedures ?

I don't know, I'm sure.
He's the expert.

? [ Band Continues ]

Professor.
Ah, Professor.

Meet the distinguished
delegates from Britain,
Russia and the U.S.A.

-Oh, how do you do ?
-They may have some
questions to ask you.

You bet we have.
Look at those shower heads.
Just as Spender said.

Yes. Interesting, uh...
stabilizing jets, Professor.

[ Chuckles ]
They look like showerheads.

They are. Very poor,
quality as you can see.

But those would burn up
before you reached Mach two.

Ah, yes,
but we do not reach Mach two.

Oh, come now, Professor.
To reach escape velocity which
is, uh--

-25,000 miles an hour.
-25,000 miles an hour.

We do not reach
escape velocity.

If you don't reach
you don't escape the Earth.

Oh, yes you do.
Power and not speed is
important.

If you have sufficient power
to overcome Earth's gravity,

you can travel
at any speed you like.

In theory, maybe,but you must
travel fast or your oxygen
supply runs out.

Not us. I regenerate air
by catalytic disassociation.

How very unpleasant for you.

Which converts carbon dioxide
back into breathable oxygen.

By passing it over hot platinum;

we can rebreathe our own air...
almost indefinitely.

Our American and Russian...
friends recon on taking
48 hours to do the trip.

-How long will you take ?
-About 3 weeks.
We're in no hurry.

Kokintz, make it sound
a bit more convincing.

Three weeks ?
Honestly !

Seeing is believing.

Gentlemen, if you would care to
mount the gantry we might peep
into the capsule.

-Gantry too !
-Yeah. See what I mean ?

-And you were worried.
-An insult to British intelligence !

Absolutely.
Spender's own words.

[ Band Playing ]
[ Chattering, Laughing ]

Morning.

Charming.

Oh, come on, aren't you
going to wish me luck ?

-I haven't got anything to say to you.
-What's the matter ?

"I want to be an astronaut--
the space comic hero."

I really believed you.
I thought you were crazy but
at least sincere.

-Well, what made you change your mind?
-Don't pretend.

Not with me. I just heard from
father that the whole
thing's a stinking swindle...

to get more money
out of the Americans.

- Well ?
- I hate dishonesty.

Cynthia, will you marry me ?

Yes, when you've been
to the moon and back.

Ah !

Oh...!

[ Footsteps Shuffling ]

At Canaveral,
we have elevators for this.

Ah, yes, but you have so
many postponements
up, down, up, down.

-We go off in one.
-Excuse me, old chap.

Haven't you started
We have no countdown yet ?

Well, we have no countdown,
there's no one to count.
We just go.

[ Chuckles ]
If you would...um...care to look
inside, gentlemen.

I was asked to give you this--
the latest food and vitamin
concentrate.

One half inch supplies
nourishment for 24 hours.

-How very kind.
But it will not be
necessary.
-So I see.

[ Clucking ]

Vincent ! What on earth are you
doing with those chickens?
[ Chuckling Nervously ]

Fresh eggs on the way up and
roast chicken coming home.
-This is the end.

-What is ?
-I don't care what happens to
those two lunatics,

but I'll not stand by and
witness cruelty to dumb animals.

Those chickens
will be roasted alive.
Excuse me, do you mind ?

Steady on sir. Remember,they
don't intend on it getting off the ground.

I hope you're right,that's all.
[ Clucks ]

[ Cheering ]

? [ March ]

Gentlemen, I don't think
I need comment...

on what is going to happen
to that tin can, launch-wise.

We are the joint victims
of a monstrous hoax.

I put it to you that
we act for once in unison.

No more loans.
I'm with you, Herbie, 100%.

Da.

[ Russian ]

[ Applause ]

Your Grace has the speech ?

I think so. I did mislay it, but
it's somewhere very safe.

[ Band Stops ]

Ah, well.
One minute before she
blows...ah...blasts off.

Aren't we a bit near,
if anything should go wrong ?

Prof. Kokintz assures me that no
harm will come to anyone out
here when it--

If anything should go wrong.
Splendid.

? [ Fanfare ]

[ Chattering ]

My husband and I...
-He's dead. He's dead !

[ Whispers ]
Oh, damn it.

My late husband and I...

have always had the welfare
of the pig breeders...

and farmers
close to our hearts.

[ Whispering ]
Wrong speech.

The wrong speech ?
That was last week.

[ Snickering ]
Moon. Space.

Oh, to be sure.

Improvise, Your Grace.
Improvise.

It is with great pleasure
that I come here today,

and I declare this bridge open.

[ Murmuring ]

Shouldn't we have
a bottle of champagne ?

All systems in go condition, professor.
I'm just holding for a final check.

What's the time
by the tower clock ?

It's 10:58 and 12 seconds, 13,

14, 15--
we might as well go.

[ Hissing ]

I'm not strapped in. professor:
I've seen films of astronauts
on the blastoff...

and the gravitational pull
is quite tremendous...

and that G force is building up
and tearing your face back.

[ Muttering ]
You take milk and sugar don't
you, Vincent ?

Yes, I--

Professor, we're moving.

Yes.

Ha, ha ! Oh.
My magnetic boots. I--

[ Crowd Cheering, Applauding ]

That's clever.
I wonder how he worked that.

It's stuck.

[ Chattering ]

Professor, we've stopped.

[ Machine Humming ]

[ Chattering Continues ]

[ Cheering ]

There's that nasty great
tin thing again, Bobo.

Look. Sticking out
of the tower.

Full marks.
Effective.

Bad sound effects.
Nothing like the real thing.

Come on, come on.
What's he playing at ?

[ Cheering Continues ]

It's a lie !
Optical illusion.

Can't we go any faster ?
Who wants to go fast ?

We'll give them a show.
They've come a long way.

Oh. Oh !
What's the matter ?

I forgot something.
Mountjoy, can you hear me ?

[ Shouting ] Yes ! What do you want ?

Don't forget to feed
the Bobolinks.

-Bobolinks ?
Oh, and in my laboratory a radio...

we'll call you once a day,
at 8:00 in the morning.

Huh.

Cynthia, I'll be back.
Wait for me.

[ Cheering Continues ]

Splendid. That's one way
to get rid of the horrid thing.

[ Cheering Continues ]
[ ? ]

Old Spender's never wrong, eh ?

Uh, quite.

[ ? ]

[ Horns Honking ]

[ Crash ]

This is the BBC home service.

Here is the news.

Yesterday morning at 11:00, the
Duchy of Grand Fenwick
launched...

a two-man rocket
toward the moon.

Officials report...

that the rocket is on course and
should undoubtedly reach its objective.

This unexpected achievement has
been welcomed throughout the
world...

as an example of true
international co?peration
in space.

The rocket's nuclear fuel
was developed by Grand Fenwick,

the rocket itself
originated in Russia...

and the entire operation has
been financed by the United
States.

The wristwatch worn
by astronaut Vincent Mountjoy...

is of British design
and manufacture,

purchased by the space man
while a student in England.

It is a stainless steel, antimagnetic
self-winding watch,

shock proof and waterproof.

One of our correspondents, who visited
the Manchester factory where it was made,

found workers and management
proud and elated that a British
precision instrument...

is playing such a vital role
in man's greatest venture.

Their feelings were summed up by
Mr. Albert Thorpe,
foreman of the works,

who said,
"This is a great day for us...

Let no one say,
Britain is lagging behind."

Meanwhile, in Grand Fenwick,
national pride runs high,

and there is natural jubilation
in official government circles.

Answer me, answer me you traitors !

Hello ! Hello ?

The Americans will never
forgive us for this.
You realize that, hmm ?

Never ! Hello !

Why does he have to choose
this unearthly hour ?

8:00 in the morning !
Hello ?

Are you there,
you moonstruck monsters ?

No good. Not a sigh.
-You ask me they'll never come
back.

[ Prof. Kokintz ]
Oh yes we will.
Five thousand miles out--

Come back ! Do you hear me ?
Come back !

You turn that bucket around and
come back or I'll have you
beheaded !

Don't forget to feed
the Bobolinks, please.

Over and out.

Computer's figures, sir.
Speed, 450 miles per hour.

Estimated time of lunar impact,
September 3 at 0600 hours.

Elapsed time of journey will
have taken 3 weeks,
two days,

three hours,
27 minutes and--

Mr. Secretary, they're waiting
for you in the conference room.

[ Speaking Russian ]

[ Russian Continues ]

[ Whooshing in Space ]

Well, come along, Vincent...
your move.

[ Sighs ]

[ Clicks Tongue ]

Your move.

Come on, professor, can't we go
any faster ? There's no atmosphere
and there's no friction !

But there are micrometeorites
of which we know very little.

If we take silly risks, we'll
only end up with egg on our
face.

The bare fact is
we have egg all over our face.

Well, sir, they haven't
got there yet.

They still got two men, 20,000
miles further into space
than we ever got a monkey.

The president wants to know,
what are we going to do ?

We send our rocket now, and
we'll be there in 48 hours.
Days ahead of them !

Don't forget the Russians.
Do you think they'll wait ?

We shouldn't do it. That's the
big bully pushing the little
guy aside to snatch the prize.

After all, we're the ones who
have been pumping for the
internationalization of space.

So are the Russians,
but do you think they'll wait ?

I don't care about the Russians.
It's what the world thinks of us
that matters.

-"Grand Fenwick to beat U.S. to moon."
-Using Last Year's Wine Crop" !

Don't forget the Russians.
Do you think they'll wait ?

Gentlemen,
I suggest a compromise.

We can calculate the exact time
of impact of the Fenwick rocket.

We blast off
and get there at the same time.

And then announce that we only
sent 2 of our boys
to stand by...

in case the Fenwick boys
get into any trouble.

Now you're talking, sir !

And if the Russians won't wait ?

We give them no chance
of launching within two months.

That's a good idea,but what
if on that day
the weather is bad ?

Our man Columbus
didn't wait for good weather.

Our man ?
Surely he was an Italian ?

So was my grandfather.
Any objections ?

Gentlemen, please.
Okay, Von Neidel ?

You have over two weeks.
You have the ball.

-Don't fumble it.
-Yes, sir.

Heil ! Uh.

I'll remember, sir.

[ Speaking Russian ]

[ Radio Beeping ]

-The radio is dead.
-What does that mean ?

Nothing, except we can't report
our progress or position.

Oh.
[ Chicken Clucking ]

- Oh, Clara.
There's a good girl !

Oh, now you've upset
my calculations.

Well, I only pulled it down
from there.

You've accelerated us.
We'll get there sooner,

probably land on the dark side
of the moon.

[ Chuckles ]
Good old Clara.

Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four--

Make it go.
[ Russian ]

[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ]

We cooked up a little extra
something which will
please you, moon-wise.

What ? Von Neidel
packed in an extra punch.

We shall get there first,
in under 36 hours.

Our boys will be raising
Old Glory on the moon.

[ Russian Continues ]

[ ? ]

[ Motor Whooshing ]

[ Thud ]

I can't see a thing,
Professor.

Helmets on.
Get the flag.
[ Laughs ]

Oh, Professor, look.

It's-- Ow !

Where is this garbage
coming from ?

It's ours.
It followed us through space.

A disgrace.
Wherever civilization goes
garbage is sure to follow.

I'll plant the flag, Professor.
[ Screams ]

Professor, get me out !
It's as I feared.

Craters full of dust.
Pull !

This moon is a nice place to
visit, but I wouldn't
like to live here.

That's right.
Oh.

You all right ?
Yes.

Now go plant the flag.
But it's--

Between craters it's perfectly
all right, quite firm.

And wait for me.

? [ Phonograph Playing 'Fenwick Anthem' ]

Oh !

[ Record Scratching ]

Right. Now go and get me some
little stones to take
back as specimens.

Ah !

Oh ! Oh.

Mountjoy, rock jumper supreme !
Wow !

Boom ! Hmm.

Vincent the crater leaper !
[ Shouting ]

Mmmmm !
[ Chuckles ]

Vincent the human kangaroo !

Come on !

We've work to do.

Here you are, Professor.

-Here you are.
-No, Vincent !

I said little stones.
How can we take that back ?

-I can't help it. There's nothing between this--
-It's no use. Throw it away.

[ Grunts ]

[ Rock Thumps ]
Professor, look.

Shooting stars.
Two of them.

Those are not shooting stars.
I think we have company.

The United States and Russia.
A dead heat.

Come on.
Let's see who they are.

How is it out there ?
Let's get the flag up.

I claim this
American territory.

I claim this planet for the
Union of Soviet Socialist
Republics...

and the workers
of the world.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Grand Fenwick welcomes you
to its moon.

Could I see your passports
and vaccination certificates please ?

What are you doing here ?
You're not due for 48 hours yet.

Yes, I'm so sorry. We ran
a little ahead of schedule.

I'm afraid you'll have to take down these flags.
Ours is already planted. Look !

I will never take away our
glorious flag from this planet.

[ Russian ]
Well I'm not making any
speeches but ours stays.

There, you see ?
Here 5 minutes and already an
argument.

We only came
to see if we could help.

Professor,
what are the Russians doing ?

Oh, well, I think
they're building a wall.

Oi, comrades, perhaps you could
adjourn to our capsule,

and we could discuss granting
you temporary visas.

Now what exactly is the purpose of
your visit, and how long are you going to stay ?

Have you got any gum ?
You come here in 36 hours and we
take three weeks.

It's marvelous
what modern science can do.

Here we are, gentlemen.
Fried chicken.

We ran out of steaks last Thursday.
Leg or wing ?

No, thanks.
Oh, what's that ?

Irish stew, I think.
And that ?

Beef Stroganoff.
How nice and so modern too.

Thank you, Vincent.
Are you sure you won't join us ?

Well, uh,
just to be polite.

Good. I bet they'll be surprised back
home if they could see us now !

They sure would be.
They don't even know if
we're alive.

Our radios wouldn't work up
here. We lost contact
just before impact.

The same with us. Nothing.

- Ours broke down on the way.
- Nobody knows anything.

-Not even who got here first.
-What's it matter who got here
first ?

You can say that.
You did it.

We got here first by a couple
hours but what's that
mean in 1,000 years ? Nothing.

Yeah.
I guess you're right.

[ Russian ]
-It's not important who gets here first.

The men who will be remembered,
who will get the big welcome,

will be the men
who get back first.

The glory,the public acclaim,
the hero worship.

The prestige.
That awful word-- prestige--

goes always to the first.

It's sad. It's shameful. But it is
a fact and we must face it.

Well, thanks for the meal.
We hate to eat and run.

But we do have some work to do,
and well, we've got to fix our radio.

Thanks for the dinner and everything,
but we really must be going.

[ Russian ]
- But we've got pudding.

[ ? ]

[ Clank ]

I'm sorry, Professor.
- Hmm ?

After all our hard work too.
What are we going to do ?

What can we do ?
We take 3 weeks to get back they
take 36 hours.

They're going
into the wrong capsules.

Professor, this is terrible.
You spent 15 years isolating--

Oh, keep calm. The tortoise can
not turn into a hare.
It's foolish if he wants to.

[ Explosions ]

Do you still want
to be a hare, Vincent ?

Serve the pudding.

[ Solemn Drumming ]

? [ Band Plays Dirge ]

-Bobo.
-Your Grace ?

What ever happened to that
nasty, great, tin thing ?

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

My friends,
it is now many weeks...

since Prof. Kokintz and my--

and Vincent of Mountjoy...

set forth
on man's greatest quest--

a journey from which...

they will never return.

Today we pay tribute to them...

and to the four other
gallant astronauts,

American and Russian,

who strove to make
the same journey...

and who also perished
in the vast abyss of space.

Bravo ! Well said ! Now ?

Not yet.

I say they did not fail !

Side by side,

in comradeship and in grief,

are gathered the
representatives of the most
powerful nations on earth.

Not only to witness
the unveiling of a monument,

but to swear a solemn oath--

that never again...

shall man race
to conquer the cosmos.

So lift up your hearts.

Lift up your heads !

Gaze up at the sky and--

[ Whirring ]

Mind the way, please.
We're coming down.

[ Cheering ]

[ Rocket Lands ]

[ Cheering Continues ]

-Kokintz !
-How nice of you to be waiting.

I'm sorry we're so late,
but we had a--

-My boy ! My boy !
-How did you find our boys ?

Yes, they're here.
Cynthia.

- Kokintz, ha, ha !
- Oh !

Who got there first ?
We did.

Did you plant the flag ?
Yes, we planted all the flags.

What ? You idiot !
We needed the moon !

- How did they beat you to it ?
- Gentlemen, the moon is ours.

- We got there first.
-We only have your word for
that.

How dare you doubt my word ?

Doubt your word ?
You're the biggest 2 faced liar
I ever met.

Benter, hit him !

Wendover,
don't just stand there !

Approach that man !
Assault him !

[ Crowd Shouting, Chattering ]

Is it true what Spender's been
saying about the deputy
foreign secretary ?

And so, with a full heart,
I say,

God bless this ship
and all who sail on her.

[Shouting, Chattering Continue]