The Morecambe & Wise Show (1968) - full transcript
Our very own sunshine boys,
Morecambe and Wise -
quite simply one of the best-loved
comedy double acts
in the history of television.
Between 1968
and their final BBC show in 1977,
the boys recorded 71 shows.
And their final Christmas show
brought in an audience
of over 21 million.
# Positive thinking
helps you on the way, my friend
# When things look black,
try positive thinking... #
I was lucky enough to have appeared
with Morecambe and Wise
a couple of times.
I was one of those acrobatic sailors
in that last Christmas show.
But, long before that,
I popped up in the very first
BBC series in 1968.
Most of those programmes
are stored here at the BBC archive
in West London.
You'll notice I said that MOST
of those shows are stored here.
Well, unfortunately,
the very first series
that Eric and Ernie
made for the BBC was lost.
Actually, the Corporation
wiped the tapes,
and then reused them
to make other programmes.
But, by some miracle,
two of those comedy spectaculars
from the lost 1968 series survived,
and have been rediscovered.
The man who found them is
television activist Philip Morris.
He's a sort of Indiana Jones,
travelling the world, tracking down
the nation's lost TV heritage.
Five years ago, he found
nine lost episodes of Doctor Who.
This year, he discovered
some real comedy gems -
episodes of Harry Worth,
The Rag Trade and Citizen James.
Hi, Michael. Hello, Philip.
You're doing great work.
One of the latest discoveries
includes my first appearance
with Morecambe and Wise
50 years ago.
So this is one of our old
programmes.
And Philip has brought along
the only surviving film copy.
As I recall, we...
we did it on video tape.
This is... This is film.
That's correct, Michael.
Basically, BBC Enterprises, which
was the commercial arm of the BBC,
made film recordings
of these original video tapes,
and they were sent around the world
for broadcast
by overseas TV stations.
And that is, luckily,
how we have these today.
Can we go and see it?
Oh, we can. Come on, let's go.
THEME TUNE PLAYS
APPLAUSE
Philip, where did you find this?
This particular film
was found in Sierra Leone...
Sierra Leone?
West Africa, of course.
How did it get there?
These particular films were sent out
as what we call audition prints
by BBC Enterprises,
as kind of a taster -
if you wanted to purchase
a full series,
they would send one or two prints
out of that programme
as an example
for a purchase of a full series.
Although you're seeing it now
in its raw form,
with the technology that we have
today,
at the end of this,
the restored version,
I think, you're going to be
very pleased to see.
So what drives you to do
all of this kind of thing?
It's national heritage.
And something like
Morecambe and Wise,
I mean, they're an institution.
This is just
a complete pleasure for me.
You know, I just don't see
how I could not.
Is there a lot more out there?
That's something I can't give
a definitive answer to,
for the simple reason
that no paperwork exists.
But I believe there is, yes.
And I'm still looking,
still searching, so...
..we could be sitting here
next year.
Right, you'll like this, Michael.
Here comes your bit.
I hope so.
MUSIC PLAYS
THEY LAUGH
What's going on here?
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
And in this, you can! Hold it!
These aren't the steps
that I rehearsed.
This strikes me,
and it struck me at the time,
that if you're a kind of
straight guest,
you don't try and be funny
in the company of pros. Right.
But it was a little walk-off
I did earlier in the show,
and actually I sort of
just ad libbed that,
and I thought afterwards,
"Eric's going to come up
"and grab me by the lapel to say,
'Sunshine, you don't do that.'"
But he never said a word.
They were very kind to their guests.
It was the most
marvellous experience.
He can't move now. He's paralysed.
Aren't you?
Well, Philip, all I can say
is thank you very much
for all you're doing -
you're bringing sunshine back
into a lot of people's lives.
Michael, thank you.
It's such a pleasure
to bring it back into yours, too.
For sharing this with me,
I'm truly humbled, thank you.
And now, for the first time
in half a century,
renewed, and in colour,
The Morecambe And Wise Show.
Also starring me.
APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to The Ernie Wise Show.
I suppose you're wondering
why I said that.
What's happened
is we've lost Eric,
we don't know what happened -
we haven't seen him for a week.
He left last week,
and we've never seen him since.
There's been a panic back here.
So I'm going to do the show by
myself.
So, first of all,
I'd like to sing a song
that I made famous many years ago
when I was Flanagan and Allen.
# Run, rabbit Run,
rabbit, run, run, run
# Run, rabbit
Run, rabbit, run, run, run... #
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
# Bang, bang, bang
Goes the farmer's gun
# So run, rabbit
Run, rabbit, run, run, run... #
Thank you, you like it?
It's good, isn't it? Yeah...
# Run, rab... #
Just a... Where have you been?!
Don't stop.
That was amazing.
Not clever,
not good,
but amazing.
How a man of your age
can go so far back.
To me, that deserves a round.
Buy everybody a round,
I dare you.
Where have you been?!
Get off. Thanks for the lift. Eh?
I said, where have you been?
Where have I been?
It's obvious where I've been.
You've been to Butlin's.
Butlin's?!
LAUGHING: Yes.
LAUGHING: I haven't.
I've just come back from sailing
round the world in an open boat.
I did it for a knighthood.
And if a certain person
happens to be looking in,
who hands 'em out -
ready when you are!
APPLAUSE
You've been sailing
around the world?
Oh, you heard?
You can keep nothing secret
in this place.
Two of my suits have gone already.
Don't you kid me.
You've been dodging rehearsals,
haven't you?
I've been sailing around
the world, I had to. Why?
Because I had a row with the wife.
Ah, now the truth's coming out.
You had a row with the wife, eh?
Yes. She said to me,
"Why don't you get knighted?"
"Why don't you get knighted"?
It sounded like that.
What do you want
a knighthood for anyway?
Because I want to be known
as Sir Eric,
and I want my wife to be known...
..as Lady Eric.
What about me?
All right, you can be Lady Eric,
I'm easy. Doesn't bother me.
Look, you're just using this
as an excuse. Excuse?!
You're kidding us.
She'll never give you a knighthood,
don't be ridiculous. Well, why not?
Already I've got my MBE, haven't I?
I've got that. You've got an MBE?
I've had that for years.
I didn't know that.
Spell my second name, spell it.
M-O-R-E-C...
..A MBE. Thank you.
APPLAUSE
Look, you're just covering up,
that's all.
This is a lot of lies,
and I don't believe one word.
What's that? What's that?
It's a fish.
Thank you.
Well, that doesn't prove anything.
What's that? Look at that.
That's another.
Scott's Emulsion.
From the Emulsion Islands.
Listen, I want more proof...
Get up! Has she done it?
I didn't feel a thing.
Am I now Sir Eric? No.
Just a moment.
Yes?
I want more proof than that.
More proof?
Have you got any pictures?
That's a picture of me
rounding the Horn last Thursday
at four o'clock in the afternoon.
HE WHISTLES
I thought you were
supposed to be alone.
I am alone,
completely and utterly alone.
Then what's that girl there
in that bikini doing,
up there at the front of the boat?
Ah. Yes.
That's a figurehead. Figurehead?
Yes, they all have them -
figureheads on the mast.
And why is she standing like that?
She was frightened to death of me,
I don't know why.
There was a heavy swell.
It's impossible to sail
round the world in one week,
and you know it.
I know a short cut.
There is no short cut!
There was a strong wind? No!
Listen, if you'd have sailed
round the world,
I'd have read about it in the papers
when you landed at Plymouth Hoe.
I didn't land at Plymouth Hoe,
big mouth!
I landed at Heathrow.
That's an airport.
I told you it was a strong wind.
It's murder with those Boeings -
you don't know where they're going.
Look, I don't believe...
And what is this thing you've got?
What's this thing here?
What sort of fish is that, then?
Look.
It's not off a flat one, is it?
That's for sure. No.
That's my hammock, that.
There's many a happy hour
I've spent in there.
Look, I'll tell
you where you've been.
Getting permission for that. No!
You've been up the Thames.
Up the Thames? ..with Boo-Boo.
It's all lies, lies!
That lovely girl.
Shut up, shut up. And you're
using this as an excuse.
Get off! The wig's showing! Get off.
I'll tell you something else,
if your wife finds out,
there'll be murder.
She'll never find out,
unless some fella tells her.
She'll never find out, eh? No.
Well, you just turn round.
Hello, darling.
Just come back
from round the world.
One more for luck, love. Go on.
Good girl.
I didn't realise my wife
could give you a knighthood.
She did better than that -
she crowned you.
King Eric, I like it.
What's for supper tonight?
It's not fish, is it?
Eh? Not in that hat. Lovely.
APPLAUSE
# I look at you
# And suddenly
# Something in your eyes I see
# Soon begins bewitching me
# It's that old devil moon
# That you stole from the skies
# It's that old devil moon
in your eyes
# You and you glance
make this romance
# Too hot to handle
# Stars in the night
# Blazing their light
# Can't hold a candle
# To your razzle-dazzle
# You've got me flyin' high and wide
# I'm on a magic carpet ride
# I'm full of butterflies inside
# Wanna cry, wanna croon
# Want to laugh, laugh, laugh
like a loon
# It's that old devil moon
in your eyes
# Just when I think
I'm free as a dove
# Just when I think
I'm free as a dove
# Old devil moon
# Deep in your eyes
# Blinds me with
# Love, love, love
# Love, love! #
APPLAUSE
Morning, boys.
Morning, Ern. Morning, Ern.
Mail's just arrived. Oh, yeah?
Why is it these days
you always seem to get bills,
brochures and fourpence off?
I don't know. Drives you mad.
Morecambe and Wise. Morecambe
and Wise. Morecambe and Wise.
Wise and Morecambe.
Wise and Morecambe?!
Must have his TV set
around the wrong way.
Morecambe and Wise.
Mr Eric Morecambe. Mor...
Mr Eric Morecambe?
What's he doing getting
a letter all to himself?
And it's from Liverpool.
Who does he know in Liverpool?
Nobody. I don't know.
We'll soon find out, anyway.
Oi! What?
You're not opening
his private mail, are you?
Only for a little while.
It's not as if it's permanent,
you know. That's all right, then.
Now let's see
what we've got in here.
Wait a minute, look at this.
It's full of postal orders. Oh?
He's got 50 quid's worth
a postal orders in there.
He must've won the pools! How much?
50 quid's worth, look at that.
50 quid? 50 quid? Eh?
Now the question is,
are we going to pinch it off him,
or are we going
to con him out of it?
You can't pinch it, that's illegal.
All right,
we'll con it out of him, OK?
Right. Fair enough.
What's that? It's the sticky tape,
I always keep it in there
when I open his letters, you know.
Oh.
There we are. Wait a minute.
Got a pen here.
Opened...
..in...
..error.
"Opened in error"? Yeah.
Well, he made a mistake letting me
get to it first, didn't he?
How do you propose
to get this 50 quid off him?
How do I propose to do that?
It's simple, isn't it, fellas?
Just go along with whatever I do.
I mean, he's pretty gullible
anyway, isn't he? All right.
I mean, it will be good practice
for me. I should do fine.
Look out, watch it. Here he is.
Good morning, boys.
ALL: Morning, Eric.
HE COUGHS
Oh, the first one's murder,
isn't it?
Oh, any mail for me?
Anything for me at all?
No, were you expecting...?
No, no, just wondered
if there was anything for me.
I ask that every morning,
there's nothing for me.
There is a letter for you,
I think.
Oh, is there?
Is that it? Mm.
Typical Post Office, that, isn't it?
What do you mean typical...?
Typical, that.
I get a letter from Liverpool,
all the way from Ireland.
What do you mean
all the way from Ireland?
"Opened in Eire," it says.
APPLAUSE
Pure Post Office, that.
HE WHIMPERS EXCITEDLY
What? What? What was that?
Nothing, nothing.
Any crispy bacon left?
Crispy bacon.
Who's it from?
What, the crispy bacon?
No, the letter.
Oh, from a friend.
In Liverpool?
Yes.
Who do you know in Liverpool?
The Beatles.
You've had a letter
from the Beatles?
Oh yes, yes.
The Beatles don't know you.
No. They say that in the letter.
It says, "Dear Eric,
we don't know you,
"The Beatles."
Oh, that's hot.
Well, Sid and Dick, I don't
care what you say,
I bet I can even if you bet I can't.
Any coffee?
We bet you can't.
I'll bet you I can. You can't.
Do you want to make it a fiver?
Fiver you can't.
All right, fair enough,
a fiver says I can,
and you say I can't.
Tell them what, Ern?
Well, it's no good asking you,
is it?
You'd say I couldn't even if I
could. Could what?
You're never on my side,
you're always on their side.
What are you talking about? I have
to be on your side, haven't I?
Didn't I promise your mother
I'd look after you?
Didn't I? Well, I say I can, and
they say I can't.
Bet you can't. If he says he can, he
can, and that's it, final.
Are you going to bet
a fiver on that?
A fiver says he can.
Well, I can't.
See? You owe them a fiver.
LAUGHTER
What was the bet?
The bet? Oh, well, they bet me
that I couldn't swim the Channel
with my hands tied behind my back.
And you took it? Absolutely.
You fool.
You can't even swim!
I'd forgotten about that.
There you are...
Pay up!
All right. Fiver.
Morecambe and Wise -
quite simply one of the best-loved
comedy double acts
in the history of television.
Between 1968
and their final BBC show in 1977,
the boys recorded 71 shows.
And their final Christmas show
brought in an audience
of over 21 million.
# Positive thinking
helps you on the way, my friend
# When things look black,
try positive thinking... #
I was lucky enough to have appeared
with Morecambe and Wise
a couple of times.
I was one of those acrobatic sailors
in that last Christmas show.
But, long before that,
I popped up in the very first
BBC series in 1968.
Most of those programmes
are stored here at the BBC archive
in West London.
You'll notice I said that MOST
of those shows are stored here.
Well, unfortunately,
the very first series
that Eric and Ernie
made for the BBC was lost.
Actually, the Corporation
wiped the tapes,
and then reused them
to make other programmes.
But, by some miracle,
two of those comedy spectaculars
from the lost 1968 series survived,
and have been rediscovered.
The man who found them is
television activist Philip Morris.
He's a sort of Indiana Jones,
travelling the world, tracking down
the nation's lost TV heritage.
Five years ago, he found
nine lost episodes of Doctor Who.
This year, he discovered
some real comedy gems -
episodes of Harry Worth,
The Rag Trade and Citizen James.
Hi, Michael. Hello, Philip.
You're doing great work.
One of the latest discoveries
includes my first appearance
with Morecambe and Wise
50 years ago.
So this is one of our old
programmes.
And Philip has brought along
the only surviving film copy.
As I recall, we...
we did it on video tape.
This is... This is film.
That's correct, Michael.
Basically, BBC Enterprises, which
was the commercial arm of the BBC,
made film recordings
of these original video tapes,
and they were sent around the world
for broadcast
by overseas TV stations.
And that is, luckily,
how we have these today.
Can we go and see it?
Oh, we can. Come on, let's go.
THEME TUNE PLAYS
APPLAUSE
Philip, where did you find this?
This particular film
was found in Sierra Leone...
Sierra Leone?
West Africa, of course.
How did it get there?
These particular films were sent out
as what we call audition prints
by BBC Enterprises,
as kind of a taster -
if you wanted to purchase
a full series,
they would send one or two prints
out of that programme
as an example
for a purchase of a full series.
Although you're seeing it now
in its raw form,
with the technology that we have
today,
at the end of this,
the restored version,
I think, you're going to be
very pleased to see.
So what drives you to do
all of this kind of thing?
It's national heritage.
And something like
Morecambe and Wise,
I mean, they're an institution.
This is just
a complete pleasure for me.
You know, I just don't see
how I could not.
Is there a lot more out there?
That's something I can't give
a definitive answer to,
for the simple reason
that no paperwork exists.
But I believe there is, yes.
And I'm still looking,
still searching, so...
..we could be sitting here
next year.
Right, you'll like this, Michael.
Here comes your bit.
I hope so.
MUSIC PLAYS
THEY LAUGH
What's going on here?
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
And in this, you can! Hold it!
These aren't the steps
that I rehearsed.
This strikes me,
and it struck me at the time,
that if you're a kind of
straight guest,
you don't try and be funny
in the company of pros. Right.
But it was a little walk-off
I did earlier in the show,
and actually I sort of
just ad libbed that,
and I thought afterwards,
"Eric's going to come up
"and grab me by the lapel to say,
'Sunshine, you don't do that.'"
But he never said a word.
They were very kind to their guests.
It was the most
marvellous experience.
He can't move now. He's paralysed.
Aren't you?
Well, Philip, all I can say
is thank you very much
for all you're doing -
you're bringing sunshine back
into a lot of people's lives.
Michael, thank you.
It's such a pleasure
to bring it back into yours, too.
For sharing this with me,
I'm truly humbled, thank you.
And now, for the first time
in half a century,
renewed, and in colour,
The Morecambe And Wise Show.
Also starring me.
APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to The Ernie Wise Show.
I suppose you're wondering
why I said that.
What's happened
is we've lost Eric,
we don't know what happened -
we haven't seen him for a week.
He left last week,
and we've never seen him since.
There's been a panic back here.
So I'm going to do the show by
myself.
So, first of all,
I'd like to sing a song
that I made famous many years ago
when I was Flanagan and Allen.
# Run, rabbit Run,
rabbit, run, run, run
# Run, rabbit
Run, rabbit, run, run, run... #
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
# Bang, bang, bang
Goes the farmer's gun
# So run, rabbit
Run, rabbit, run, run, run... #
Thank you, you like it?
It's good, isn't it? Yeah...
# Run, rab... #
Just a... Where have you been?!
Don't stop.
That was amazing.
Not clever,
not good,
but amazing.
How a man of your age
can go so far back.
To me, that deserves a round.
Buy everybody a round,
I dare you.
Where have you been?!
Get off. Thanks for the lift. Eh?
I said, where have you been?
Where have I been?
It's obvious where I've been.
You've been to Butlin's.
Butlin's?!
LAUGHING: Yes.
LAUGHING: I haven't.
I've just come back from sailing
round the world in an open boat.
I did it for a knighthood.
And if a certain person
happens to be looking in,
who hands 'em out -
ready when you are!
APPLAUSE
You've been sailing
around the world?
Oh, you heard?
You can keep nothing secret
in this place.
Two of my suits have gone already.
Don't you kid me.
You've been dodging rehearsals,
haven't you?
I've been sailing around
the world, I had to. Why?
Because I had a row with the wife.
Ah, now the truth's coming out.
You had a row with the wife, eh?
Yes. She said to me,
"Why don't you get knighted?"
"Why don't you get knighted"?
It sounded like that.
What do you want
a knighthood for anyway?
Because I want to be known
as Sir Eric,
and I want my wife to be known...
..as Lady Eric.
What about me?
All right, you can be Lady Eric,
I'm easy. Doesn't bother me.
Look, you're just using this
as an excuse. Excuse?!
You're kidding us.
She'll never give you a knighthood,
don't be ridiculous. Well, why not?
Already I've got my MBE, haven't I?
I've got that. You've got an MBE?
I've had that for years.
I didn't know that.
Spell my second name, spell it.
M-O-R-E-C...
..A MBE. Thank you.
APPLAUSE
Look, you're just covering up,
that's all.
This is a lot of lies,
and I don't believe one word.
What's that? What's that?
It's a fish.
Thank you.
Well, that doesn't prove anything.
What's that? Look at that.
That's another.
Scott's Emulsion.
From the Emulsion Islands.
Listen, I want more proof...
Get up! Has she done it?
I didn't feel a thing.
Am I now Sir Eric? No.
Just a moment.
Yes?
I want more proof than that.
More proof?
Have you got any pictures?
That's a picture of me
rounding the Horn last Thursday
at four o'clock in the afternoon.
HE WHISTLES
I thought you were
supposed to be alone.
I am alone,
completely and utterly alone.
Then what's that girl there
in that bikini doing,
up there at the front of the boat?
Ah. Yes.
That's a figurehead. Figurehead?
Yes, they all have them -
figureheads on the mast.
And why is she standing like that?
She was frightened to death of me,
I don't know why.
There was a heavy swell.
It's impossible to sail
round the world in one week,
and you know it.
I know a short cut.
There is no short cut!
There was a strong wind? No!
Listen, if you'd have sailed
round the world,
I'd have read about it in the papers
when you landed at Plymouth Hoe.
I didn't land at Plymouth Hoe,
big mouth!
I landed at Heathrow.
That's an airport.
I told you it was a strong wind.
It's murder with those Boeings -
you don't know where they're going.
Look, I don't believe...
And what is this thing you've got?
What's this thing here?
What sort of fish is that, then?
Look.
It's not off a flat one, is it?
That's for sure. No.
That's my hammock, that.
There's many a happy hour
I've spent in there.
Look, I'll tell
you where you've been.
Getting permission for that. No!
You've been up the Thames.
Up the Thames? ..with Boo-Boo.
It's all lies, lies!
That lovely girl.
Shut up, shut up. And you're
using this as an excuse.
Get off! The wig's showing! Get off.
I'll tell you something else,
if your wife finds out,
there'll be murder.
She'll never find out,
unless some fella tells her.
She'll never find out, eh? No.
Well, you just turn round.
Hello, darling.
Just come back
from round the world.
One more for luck, love. Go on.
Good girl.
I didn't realise my wife
could give you a knighthood.
She did better than that -
she crowned you.
King Eric, I like it.
What's for supper tonight?
It's not fish, is it?
Eh? Not in that hat. Lovely.
APPLAUSE
# I look at you
# And suddenly
# Something in your eyes I see
# Soon begins bewitching me
# It's that old devil moon
# That you stole from the skies
# It's that old devil moon
in your eyes
# You and you glance
make this romance
# Too hot to handle
# Stars in the night
# Blazing their light
# Can't hold a candle
# To your razzle-dazzle
# You've got me flyin' high and wide
# I'm on a magic carpet ride
# I'm full of butterflies inside
# Wanna cry, wanna croon
# Want to laugh, laugh, laugh
like a loon
# It's that old devil moon
in your eyes
# Just when I think
I'm free as a dove
# Just when I think
I'm free as a dove
# Old devil moon
# Deep in your eyes
# Blinds me with
# Love, love, love
# Love, love! #
APPLAUSE
Morning, boys.
Morning, Ern. Morning, Ern.
Mail's just arrived. Oh, yeah?
Why is it these days
you always seem to get bills,
brochures and fourpence off?
I don't know. Drives you mad.
Morecambe and Wise. Morecambe
and Wise. Morecambe and Wise.
Wise and Morecambe.
Wise and Morecambe?!
Must have his TV set
around the wrong way.
Morecambe and Wise.
Mr Eric Morecambe. Mor...
Mr Eric Morecambe?
What's he doing getting
a letter all to himself?
And it's from Liverpool.
Who does he know in Liverpool?
Nobody. I don't know.
We'll soon find out, anyway.
Oi! What?
You're not opening
his private mail, are you?
Only for a little while.
It's not as if it's permanent,
you know. That's all right, then.
Now let's see
what we've got in here.
Wait a minute, look at this.
It's full of postal orders. Oh?
He's got 50 quid's worth
a postal orders in there.
He must've won the pools! How much?
50 quid's worth, look at that.
50 quid? 50 quid? Eh?
Now the question is,
are we going to pinch it off him,
or are we going
to con him out of it?
You can't pinch it, that's illegal.
All right,
we'll con it out of him, OK?
Right. Fair enough.
What's that? It's the sticky tape,
I always keep it in there
when I open his letters, you know.
Oh.
There we are. Wait a minute.
Got a pen here.
Opened...
..in...
..error.
"Opened in error"? Yeah.
Well, he made a mistake letting me
get to it first, didn't he?
How do you propose
to get this 50 quid off him?
How do I propose to do that?
It's simple, isn't it, fellas?
Just go along with whatever I do.
I mean, he's pretty gullible
anyway, isn't he? All right.
I mean, it will be good practice
for me. I should do fine.
Look out, watch it. Here he is.
Good morning, boys.
ALL: Morning, Eric.
HE COUGHS
Oh, the first one's murder,
isn't it?
Oh, any mail for me?
Anything for me at all?
No, were you expecting...?
No, no, just wondered
if there was anything for me.
I ask that every morning,
there's nothing for me.
There is a letter for you,
I think.
Oh, is there?
Is that it? Mm.
Typical Post Office, that, isn't it?
What do you mean typical...?
Typical, that.
I get a letter from Liverpool,
all the way from Ireland.
What do you mean
all the way from Ireland?
"Opened in Eire," it says.
APPLAUSE
Pure Post Office, that.
HE WHIMPERS EXCITEDLY
What? What? What was that?
Nothing, nothing.
Any crispy bacon left?
Crispy bacon.
Who's it from?
What, the crispy bacon?
No, the letter.
Oh, from a friend.
In Liverpool?
Yes.
Who do you know in Liverpool?
The Beatles.
You've had a letter
from the Beatles?
Oh yes, yes.
The Beatles don't know you.
No. They say that in the letter.
It says, "Dear Eric,
we don't know you,
"The Beatles."
Oh, that's hot.
Well, Sid and Dick, I don't
care what you say,
I bet I can even if you bet I can't.
Any coffee?
We bet you can't.
I'll bet you I can. You can't.
Do you want to make it a fiver?
Fiver you can't.
All right, fair enough,
a fiver says I can,
and you say I can't.
Tell them what, Ern?
Well, it's no good asking you,
is it?
You'd say I couldn't even if I
could. Could what?
You're never on my side,
you're always on their side.
What are you talking about? I have
to be on your side, haven't I?
Didn't I promise your mother
I'd look after you?
Didn't I? Well, I say I can, and
they say I can't.
Bet you can't. If he says he can, he
can, and that's it, final.
Are you going to bet
a fiver on that?
A fiver says he can.
Well, I can't.
See? You owe them a fiver.
LAUGHTER
What was the bet?
The bet? Oh, well, they bet me
that I couldn't swim the Channel
with my hands tied behind my back.
And you took it? Absolutely.
You fool.
You can't even swim!
I'd forgotten about that.
There you are...
Pay up!
All right. Fiver.