The Monster Club (1981) - full transcript

Flemish day and had sat for two weeks.

Well I'll be glad to give
you some money for food.

- Can't keep food down, never could.
- I'll do anything I can to help you.

Anything? Oh thank.

May I be permitted to introduce myself?

My name is Erasmus I am a vampire.

- Oh, of course you know that.
- I say, what happened to your fangs?

Oh they're retractable when not in use.

Oh it's alright I didn't buy
deep, you won't become one of us.

It was the best blood I have ever
tasted and from such a noble source.

You are the great Arch Edwin Hayes, the
writer of those magnificent horror stories.



You are my favorite author.

I wouldn't have thought you
needed to read horror stories.

My dear sir, you do yourself an injustice.

Everybody likes to read about
themselves and their own kind.

Yes, well, I'm glad Rapinoe helped you,
I'm glad you like my blood, my books...

- but I must be on my way.
- Oh no, I can't hear of such a thing.

- You want more of my blood?
- No, no, you misunderstand me.

I owe you something,
I want to help you. To repay you.

No, it's quite all right, thank you
very much, I'm glad using your service.

Well, I can get you
material for your next book.

Material? What sort of material?

I will take you to a place
where my friends for gather.

There are vampires, werewolves, ghouls. Every
kind of monster you could ever imagine.

And some far beyond the
imagining of mere mortals.



There you will find stories
of such blood-curdling terror...

that it will make your toes curl
and your hair reach up towards the sky.

- Where is this place?
- It's just a short distance.

It's call the Monster Club

Wolfgang, my table please.

Wolfgang.

- I have to use it.
- Play Type B is awesome.

But I'll have to make
do with that comment type O.

Divine message sir, tomato juice.

♪ I could looking in the monster
nation Mr. Wheeler wants to meet you. ♪

♪ He's waiting for the moon to curse you,
his sister said with a poison touch. ♪

♪ What you catch to hear a midnight crush,
got a friend you know you can trust? ♪

Thank you Walter.

Now this is present enough
but it doesn't sustain us.

But to get real nourishment we have to
take our food directly from the source.

And it becomes more difficult constantly,
people are so well-educated these days.

It's all those horror films and television.

Everybody knows about garlic
and steaks through the heart.

Yes, we all have our cross to bear.

- I'd rather you didn't use that word.
- What this?

Oh, that's a monsters genealogical chart.

You see first we have the primate
monsters vampires werewolves and ghouls.

Now a vampire and the
werewolf would produce a weird vamp.

But a werewolf in a
ghoul would produce a weird goo.

But a vampire in the ghoul
would produce a Vamgoo.

A weird goo and we're
vamp would produce a shedding.

Now a weird goo in the
vamgoo would produce a Maddy.

But a weird vamp and a
vamgoo would produce a Raddy.

Now, if a shaggy were to mate with a
Raddy or a Maddy the results would be a Mok.

A Mok?

Frankly that's just
a polite name for a Mongrel.

You know it's...

it's quite simple really, all you have to
do is remember the basic rules of monsterdom.

Vampires up, Werewolf hunt, Ghouls tear,
Shaddys lick, Maddies Jean mocks blow but...

- Shadmocks only whistle.
- Shadmocks?

If a mock were to mate
with any of the other hybrids...

their off-springs would be called shadmocks.

- And they only whistle?
- Well they don't do it very often.

Some do terrifying?

Oh, but you should see the
results of her shadmocks whistling.

Chatboxs are the lowest in the
monster higher, yet they have this power.

What happened on a shadmock whistles?

I heard of a man once who saw
the results of a shadmock's whistle.

That's all he saw and yet and yet...

he's been like that for the past six months.

If we only knew what
was going on behind those...

staring eyes we might be able to help him.

He was found under
extraordinary and inexplicable circumstances.

- Anything?
- Nothing of use to us.

- Maybe we ought to look for profit jobs.
- And be slaves all our lives.

No, what we need is the
big one, one big break.

Someone we can take to all these work.

Enough money we might even get married.

Oh, right here Sonny.

Antiquary requires secretary to help
catalog collection and prepare new book.

Some of those old fools got
stuff that's worth thousands.

- Go melt it down, untraceable.
- Not very likely.

These are free enough money.

A brick house?

Mr. Raven, I'm Angela...

Angela Jones I wrote to
you about your advertisement.

Yes of course please do, do come in.

My study is this way.

They all have to be catalogued, before we
begin there's something I must tell you.

Some people find me
difficult and impossible to work for.

Why, you beat up your secretaries?

No I, I pride myself on
being a very easy task master.

Just...

I'm sorry.

I can't do it.

- Did he turn you down?
- He wanted me all right.

And the house is full of good stuff.

But the way he looked, there's
something terrifying about him.

- Full of good stuff.
- I'm not going back.

- I think of someone to clean this place.
- I can't.

But I can't ask people to come here, you
have no idea how hard it was for me to...

to advertise for you.

I must never go near people...

- I can never go outside these grounds.
- Don't you ever lonely?

Only you knew the academic my loneliness.

Some of my relation
visit me from time to time but...

- they're different.
- Why can't you go out?

Well, is all the noise, the traffic...

- I might...
- Might?

I didn't mean to frighten you.

They're my only friends, soon
they'll learn to get to know you.

They'll accept you as a friend.

I must get to work.

I've always been
fascinated by the things of the dead.

It's probably something to do with my
ancestry and then the living have always...

I used to wear a mask once.

It was no use, it just made people curious.

They had to see
what was underneath and then...

it's much better to get over
the shock right at the beginning...

then they might even grow accustomed.

Should always have
flowers, masses of flowers.

You'll always be surrounded with flowers.

The birds will expect their big sister.

Yes, yes you're right,
I mustn't neglect mu others friends.

You've no idea what meeting you has been.

What are you playing? What's going on?

Let's forget it, check the whole thing in.

You afraided, you said yourself he
was a weekly, what can he do?

I don't know.

At least get hold of something, so I can see
what sort of stuff he's got, get it valued.

- Do like it.
- You're in love with him or something?

No, he terrifies me.

No...

This sort of stuffs almost
impossible to fence.

Too specialized and we need a talented for
the meltdown Valley worth anything at all.

- So we give up.
- Yeah.

- We've invested too much to chuck it in now.
- But it is no use.

You almost certainly
pays for that stuff in cash.

He must've a safe some way to keep it handy.

Probably keep some of the small
really valuable articles in there too.

- Is he come out of his room yet?
- I haven't seen him for days.

Good, then you have plenty
of opportunity to look for the safe.

Angela look, used to
belong to princess Sahara.

She was said to be the most
beautiful woman of her day.

That was some three thousand years ago.

Sorry, you must hide your coloring.

Matches your eyes, your skin...

You should keep all those things in the bank.

I don't like thanks, you have to see people.

No, my things are much...

better here with me.

Angela, will you marry me.

I realized my appearance and everything.

But you could still love me.

But we've got it all planned.

I don't do it to him.

Don't worry everything will be alright.

Just remember the plan, play along with him.

Get him to give you the ring
as an engagement present and then...

remember the
combination when he opens the safe.

Oh, you may be so very, very happy.

Of course you may have the ring.

It's only fitting it, should adorn a
living hand after so many centuries.

Such a, a beautiful hand.

I, I have something of a
confession I must make to you.

I am a shadmock, I don't
suppose you know what that is.

If I ever whistle, well, I must
never whistle no matter what happens.

Oh, you must meet some of my relations.

They could explain the situation to
you much better than I ever can.

A party an engagement
party, it can be in fancy dress.

Everyone can wear a mask, my
relations are a bit much to take.

All at once that way you can have a
chance to get used to them gradually.

- I like dressing up.
- On spite of my relations.

In spite of everything...

you could still love me.

It is a crime to hide such beauty,
but here we must all be masked.

My love, may I present my great uncle Uriah.

Great uncle, may I present my
bride to be Miss Angela Jones.

The money in the other things
that don't matter to me, take them.

Do what you want with them,
give them to him so ever you please.

- But, you could still love me.
- Oh no, no, don't touch me.

- That's all I wanted from you.
- You mustn't say that, you mustn't say that.

I could never love you.

You're horrible, horrible.

I could never love you...

But did you get it?

You could still love me.

You could still love me.

You could still love me.

There's nothing sadder than the
agonized grief of it end the hottest bumps.

They're playing my song.

Hey, fix me a
drink and make it a Bloody Mary.

Don't forget to spike
it, by my favorite record.

You're so vain you come
from Pennsylvania I'm from Transylvania...

♪ She's the kind of girl
who got a man and sin... ♪

♪ Took her lover soul and I give her pain ♪

♪ You can call her
sin, she's a one night ring ♪

♪ She's the kind of girl I love on to raise
when I kiss and find her heart... ♪

♪ I make her laugh
until I got her neck, how sad... ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker boy, got up.
I'm just a sucker boy, got up. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker boy, got up. ♪

♪ We've took her out,
just to have a drink... ♪

♪ Baby there's no doubt, that me
chance to sprinkle I almost got apart... ♪

♪ People near thought, make
If I were you I may wash their heart. ♪

♪ Suspend me and a garden man, say,
would you could use it as a rock man gang ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker boy, grown up. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker boy, grown up. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker boy, grown up. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker boy, grown up. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker boy, grown up. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker boy, grown up. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker boy, grown up. ♪

The club secretary.

Order, silence, stay silence.
Attention, yes, order.

The great vampire
film producer Lintom Busotsky...

- Vampire film producer?
- Aren't they all?

It's a great honor for
me to be invited here tonight...

to show you an excerpt from my latest film.

It is, I assure you, a
picture very close to my heart.

For it's based on my own
childhood but in a modern setting.

Lower budget.

I was born and brought up here in London.

I can't say I've ever felt the
urge to follow in my father's profession.

You see he was a night worker...

who spent the daylight hours
asleep he needed peace and quiet.

But as a naturally shy child I too
was glad we lived in a secluded house.

And avoided our neighbours but even
the shyest children must go to school.

My mother, may the
earth lay lightly on her bones...

was always
determined that I should look my best.

Now, remember what I
told you, never speak to strangers.

Alright Mother.

Now Manfred you must hurry or
you'll miss the 5:30 toward the circus.

Oh yes, you're quite right my dear.

Your business is so messy, I shouldn't like
to think of you being mistaken for a butcher.

Daddy, I wish I could
here play during the day.

No, I've worked during the
night, I must get my sleep.

- Are you of beat?
- Oh no my son, I'm not a beater.

But I suppose I do have
something to do with the food trade.

What do you do?

I lightens the burden
of those who have too much...

and receive certain
nutritional benefits in return.

A hip and a suck and a few things.

Feed without greed.

Set has always been
asleep the rush hour trains and...

say after theater crows provide a rich
harvest for someone who knows his business.

But as Mr. Roberts becomes a lookout...

I'm a guinea to be squat.

Be fair of men carrying diodon hystrix.

I do not think there there's any need
to reveal the problems of your profession.

You're right dear.

A gentleman does not
mix his business and her life.

Sufficient for Linton to know
that he has an unusual father.

Who loves his family very much.

Boom...

- Linton you're here.
- We've swim, that thing, to swim.

- But he can't do that.
- Of course he can.

- Can't?
- Win?

- He's pale.
- Sicken.

- You chances are real bad.
- Cry baby.

Win.

No, you mustn't worry about
those horrid children teasing you.

You see, you must remember
that you are better than they are.

Back in the old country where we
came from your father was a nobleman.

He's a count, which means
of course that I am a countess.

Well then, you must be a viscount.

I don't care, I'm better
than all of you, I'm a viscount.

- What did you say?
- I said I'm a Viscount.

My lord...

- Your grace.
- You thing.

Weed.

Children what's going on here.

Oh come on, I'll, I'll walk home with
you and see that they don't harm you.

Merciful heavens, why not?

My mother told
me never to speak to strangers.

But I'm not a stranger, I'm a
clergyman, would you like a caramel?

No thank you,
I can't let anyone come to my home.

- Why not?
- I don't know.

There must be a reason.

I think my father escaped from somewhere in
the middle of Europe, perhaps he's hiding.

Why were those limbs
of Satan so angry with you?

- I said I was a viscount.
- Oh, is your father a nobleman?

I hardly seen my father he
sleeps all day and goes out at night.

- Where does he sleep?
- Downstairs.

- I've never been there.
- Why don't you go down there one day?

He might wake up early and play with you.

Wait that her mother goes
out, then she needn't know.

I'm just going to the shops.

Now you remember, not to let
anyone in while I'm away.

I remember.

- Take us to your father.
- Let me alone.

Where is your father? Come up.

- Who are you? What do you want?
- We are the B Squad sonny.

The Blini, special branch
concerned with blood crimes.

We've sworn to eradicate the
curse of vampirism from this land.

- Sir, it's getting dark.
- The boy said his father slept downstairs.

Look for a cellar.

Your father has been the most
difficult case of my career.

I've hunted him for
months, he's been clever, very clever.

But now I've got him.

Sir...

- Let go of me, let go.
- Take him down.

He should witness the end.

Don't just stand there, get an ambulance.

You'll need more than an ambulance.

My husband didn't just
take a tricular refreshment.

He bit deep, you know what that
means? You are one of his kind now.

You'll have to be staked by your own men.

She's right sir, the virus is in you.

Come moonlight, you'll be on the
rampage, we'll have to do our duty sir.

You, you are talking to Pickering, a
Departmental Agent, head of the Blini.

Why, I've staked over
2,000 vamps you can't mean...

You wouldn't want us chasing
you through the underground sir.

Wouldn't be respectful sir.

No, if you could just see your
way to laying out nice and flat like.

Well, will be out doing so
to stick into you with dignity.

Where would you be most comfortable sir?

Watson...

stretcher.

It's a good thing.
I always wear a stick probe vest.

It's built with tomato catchup.

Come.

You don't think, I must
gain my life myself, eh?

Is let's not be to careless.

Well, thank you for a very
pleasant evening, I really must go.

The other segment is about to commence.

♪ Say, you look around you.
Someone might take a glance at you. ♪

♪ It's no the type of place
you want to met your friends. ♪

♪ I know what you came for ♪

♪ To watched me on the dance
floor, made me what you pay for. ♪

♪ A part of you dreams. ♪

♪ But it's alright, come on a
see me on a Saturday night. ♪

♪ But it's all, alright. ♪

♪ And don't you know... ♪

♪ I have a long my pass,
you can't believe your heart... ♪

♪ My body hip in time,
because I'm a stripper. ♪

♪ So let the show begin, I'll show you
everything. Oh, I want to say peep in. ♪

♪ There's nothing you can say
to take my pride away... ♪

♪ I can't be a lady, I'm a stripper, I
got the valiant, don't you look out on me ♪

♪ I can live with what's
in your dirty in minds, can you? ♪

♪ Now let me tell you why
you kissed you I goodbye... ♪

♪ You say God save you a
project and coming on me ♪

♪ To get your
satisfaction, no negative reaction. ♪

♪ I'd pay you with my body,
that what you was seeing. ♪

♪ But it's alright, come on
and see me on a Saturday night. ♪

♪ But it's all, alright,
come on Saturday night. ♪

♪ You made a wrong say, no
one want to know your name ♪

♪ Just come back
and pay and pay the stripper ♪

♪ So let the show begin, I'll show you
everything. Oh, I want to say peep in. ♪

♪ I got the valiant, don't you look out on
me, I only want you know that I'm stripper ♪

♪ Don't try to understand, because
you're just a man and I'm stripper... ♪

- Beautiful bones, don't you think?
- Magnificent.

♪ It's alright, come on and
see me on a Saturday night. ♪

♪ But it's all, alright. ♪

♪ I have a long my pass,
you can't believe your heart... ♪

♪ My body hip in time,
because I'm a stripper. ♪

♪ So let the show begin, I'll show you
everything. Oh, I want to say peep in. ♪

♪ There's nothing you can say
to take my pride away... ♪

♪ I can't be a lady, I'm a stripper, I
got the valiant, don't you look out on me ♪

♪ That is living at your
dirty mind, it's alright. ♪

♪ Come on a see me on a
Saturday night, but it's alright... ♪

I'm stripper.

- Erasmus...
- Yes?

That girl there, the Buffett chocolate.
Sure she's not a Munster.

Well, that's a Hume, a cross
between a ghoul and the human being.

As well as mating with each other
monsters not to make human being.

Results in nearly always
disastrous, but they will do it.

- What do they do?
- Do.

- Do the whistle, anything like that.
- Humeghouls?

Evil a Hume, no. Apart from an
unfortunate appetite for carrion...

which they get from the ghoul side of the
family they don't play anything interesting.

Oh, I'm relieve to hear it.

Oh, but their relations,
you have some fascinating habits.

One of them told me an intriguing
story once, it started with...

you child.

- Going to go again.
- No, no, no.

- It's a wrap.
- Right, the wrap in one, flash lights.

I want to print, 3,11 and 13.

I'll suppose I'll have to sort the whole
mess out in the cutting room as usual.

Ah Sam, can you have a look at these
pictures of the new locations of the farm.

- Where you look?
- Here, here and here.

Well, what's wrong with this area?
It looks far more remote far more promising.

I want a strange eerie
lonely half deserted village...

in which to make an atmospheric horror film.

You really expect to find such a place
surrounded by a motorway, a power station...

and group of five-star hotels.

I'll go out this weekend
and I'll find the place myself.

Hello, anybody here?

- I'd like to use your telephone.
- No telephone here.

But perhaps you could help me. You see,
I'd like to use this village for a film.

A film, for the cinema.

But, whose permission do I need?
Who runs things around here around?

The antiques, the elders.

- Well, how I contact them?
- They'll be here soon.

Don't worry about it. See I'll
have my production office sort all that.

I'll talk to my art director
when I get back to London tonight.

You not get there tonight too far.

Not safe for night, you stay here.

- Who did it?
- Be them Vermin.

I lightly see them Vermin, real
monsters they are, nothing be safe.

Is someone direct me
to the nearest garage, eh?

No sir.

- Well, surely you can suggest something.
- Soon be dark, I'm Seinfeld Jarr.

Thank you.

Dadda say you eat this.

What is there?

- Rabbits too, I cook.
- What's your name?

You mean how am I called.

Luna.

That is keeper of him.

Do all people on the
outside wear clothes like yours?

Outside? We're only a couple
of miles on the main highway.

An hour and my
car would take it to a big city.

These only clothes we have, clothing
boxes. No clothes like yours.

- Boxes?
- All come from offices.

Taking work with hands to make that box.

Oh, where do you people get these boxes?

In ground on gathering night.

All come from boxes,
clothes, would, food, all from boxes.

No more boxes left now, all gone.

I not like others, I hunghoul.

My mother from outside.

When I born, she be put into box,
then dug up for great eating.

Dada says she caught in
mist, like you and motorcar.

Luna, what they going to do with me?

- You're going to tell me, you tell me...
- I could no tell, tell they beat me.

- Tell me, will not let you go until you do.
- We must've our food.

Luna, I need your help,
I got to get out of here.

Right there, they don't go in there.

- Fold down if you go in there.
- Can you go in there?

I white man, I'm hunghoul.

I come when I can, help you.

Almighty God, hear the
prayer of your miserable servant...

and granted the power to set down the
unthinkable evil I have witnessed.

We should've destroyed
the first one, crushed it underfoot.

Burnt his foul carcass and
tossed the ashes to the winds.

As it squatted behind
a tombstone and did jib upon us.

But I, may I be forgiven, did
implore mercy for the creature.

I took it into my
house and washed away the filth.

Filth the like of which I had
never before in my life behold.

I clad it in clean
raiment and laid it on a soft bed.

Where did I sin merciful God, for should we
not succor the afflicted give good for evil.

Then one night when the moon is full...

I saw it, cursed be the
eyes to see and ears that hear...

feeding in the churchyard...

mud on the
hands, sitting on a pile of earth...

and nodding, nodding.

We chased it away but for
the one we drove away 12 did return.

And they danced around the village
bounds to mark the place as their own.

Even as I write I can hear their howls.

Try to beat me because
I help you, I no back, if you go...

- Don't let me left here.
- It's nonsense.

When I escape, I want you to go with
me, live the life a pretty girl should live.

Take me outside, wear clothes like yours.

Really take me
outside, right all underground.

Underground? Do you
know about the underground?

Eldest said there is much
good eating underground.

Don't kill it, hit head,
they call many animals that way.

- When is their next?
- Nothing more.

They wait for elders
to come for great eating.

It's not like us, have much wisdom.

- You escape when elders are here.
- When do they come?

This night.

Then when I run, stay beside me.

Fallow up and stop them.

Wist, eldest man, look...

I hope that I...

that broke, that when that, hit rabbit.

Rabbit die soon, when that broke.

I die soon.

See outside...

- pretty close.
- I'll go and get some help, it'd be alright.

There's a village,
it's a village up. A village off...

We have the fuel,
take me to the free station.

Where are you going?
This is the way to the...

- Stop.
- Don't worry sir.

We saw the supply
wagon, we'll take care of it.

- Supply what?
- It's just behind that car.

You see, we always give the elders a
police escort when they return to Loughville.

The village of monsters?

Well, it would make a
good story, wouldn't it?

I mean so moral, no nudity no sex.

- A little violence perhaps but...
- Now really, I must go home.

No, I've taken a liking to you.

- But you promised...
- No, no, no.

- I'm going to put you up for membership.
- But I'm not a monster.

Nonsense, you're the greatest monster
of them all. Oh Mr. Club secretary...

I want to propose my friend here
as a member of this august assembly.

Isn't him a Hume?

Can we truly call this a Monster Club...

if we do not boast amongst our membership
a single member of the human race?

Nonsense.

What can we do?

In the past 60 years...

hums have exterminated over a
hundred and fifty million of their own kind.

No effort is been spared
to reach this astronomical figure...

and the methods that they have used
must demand our unstinted admiration.

You know Hums began with certain very serious
disadvantages but these they overcame...

with wonderful ingenuity,
not having a fang or a claw...

or even a whistle worth talking about.

They invented guns and
tanks and bombs and aeroplanes...

and extermination camps and poison gas
and daggers and swords and bayonets and...

booby traps and atomic
bombs and flying missiles...

submarines warships
aircraft carriers and motorcars.

They have even perfected a
process whereby they can spread...

a lethal disease on any part of this planet.

Not to say anything about nuclear power,
during their short history you know...

Humans have subjected
other humes to death by...

burning, hanging,
decapitation, strangulation...

electrocution, shooting,
drowning, crushing racking...

disemboweling and
other methods far, far too revolting...

for the delicate
stomachs of this august assembly.

I never realized he was so talented.

- We don't like to boast.
- I second the proposal.

A member of a such a talented race...

can only be of credit to any Monster Club.

My ghouls, to celebrate the
installation of a new member...

may we hear, our song.

♪ You read in books about
the things that chill a human heart ♪

♪ I was naked with my girlfriend when
she's just snapped out the lights ♪

♪ Saying, thanks the memory
as she took a bigger bite ♪

- ♪ And then there's the blood. ♪
- ♪ Blood? Welcome to the Monster Club. ♪

- ♪ Welcome to the Monster Club. ♪
- ♪ The Monster Club. ♪

♪ You hear those heavy footsteps
fallowing you down the hall ♪

♪ As you open the door to you open late
night visitor you really lose your cool. ♪

♪ When he barrows his banner,
tighten his bows, you feel such a fool ♪

- ♪ And then there's the blood. ♪
- ♪ Blood? Welcome to the Monster Club. ♪

- ♪ Welcome to the Monster Club. ♪
- ♪ The Monster Club. ♪

♪ There's a face at my windows,
as the darkness closes in ♪

♪ The door start to creek
and scream for the night ♪

♪ There's the finger of the phantom
with a strange twisted smile ♪

♪ Given the circumstances, you run them out ♪

♪ Or two, or three... ♪

♪ You feel so proud to be
part of the human race ♪

♪ There's just a little sadness,
not much grief upon your face ♪

♪ You look into the mirror, there's
a stake driven right to your heart ♪

- ♪ And then there's the blood. ♪
- ♪ Blood? Welcome to the Monster Club. ♪

♪ Welcome to the Monster Club. ♪

- ♪ Welcome to the Monster Club. ♪
- ♪ The Club ♪

- Take a seat.
- ♪ Welcome to the Monster Club. ♪

♪ The Club, the Club, the Club...