The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996) - full transcript

Rose and Gregory, both Columbia University professors meet when Rose's sister answers Gregory's "personals" ad. Several times burned, the handsome-but-boring Gregory believes that sex has ruined his life, and has deliberately set out to find and marry a woman with absolutely no sex appeal. Greg thinks he's found what he's looking for in Rose, a plain, plump English Lit professor who can't compete with her gorgeous mother and sister. More out of mutual admiration and respect than love, Greg and Rose marry. Greg assumes that Rose understands that he is not interested in a sexual relationship. He's mistaken, and their marriage is nearly destroyed when Rose tries to consummate their relationship. While Gregory is out of the country on a lecture tour, Rose diets and exercises to transform herself into a sexy siren in a last-ditch attempt to save her marriage.

If f sub x...

x, which is what we
were trying to PROVE!

Notice the... the elegance of the proof,
it's beautiful!

It actually reminds me
of a quote by Socrates,

"If measure and symmetry are absent
from any composition in any degree,"

"the ruin awaits both the
ingredients and the composition."

"Measure and symmetry are beauty
and virtue the world over."

- He's cute, do you think he's straight?
- Oh, yeah, he's too boring to be gay.

- Oh, is it 5:15? Is my watch correct?
- Yes, it is.

Thank you.

I'm releasing you a half hour early
today, I have a... a... an appointment.

I'm giving a lecture on my new book tonight,
if you are interested, please see me.

Ah... okay... um.

Thank you.

Rose, get that mask off your face, it's
been 15 minutes, it'll clog your pores.

We're going to be late,
it's almost seven o'clock.

All right, all right.

Ah! You stupid bum! Three million
dollars a year! For what? For what?

C'mon, c'mon, just one more out.

- Barry Neufeld.
- Hi, Barry, it's Rose.

Hi, what... oh, no, not again?

I think it's an allergic reaction
to something I ate, you know.

My throat's starting to close up.


It sounds like you're dying.

Rose, it's the third time this month,
are you sure you're not allergic to me?

Barry, please don't think that,
that's a terrible thing to think!

I'm going to be blacklisted at every restaurant
in Manhattan for not keeping reservations.

Why don't you call me next week?
Okay? If you still want to.

- Sure... feel better.
- Thank you.



Do you think I should start with a joke?

Oh, oh, you're serious! No, I don't
think so, there's not enough time.

- For what?
- For you to develop a sense of humor.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the author of "Absolute Truth",

Columbia's very own
Professor Gregory Larkin.

You're going to be fine.

Thank you, thank you very much, I'm honored
by this warm and gracious welcome.

As I stand here at the end of a journey, I'm
reminded of something Descartes once said...

"For whether I am awake or asleep, two
and three will always make five,"

"the square can never have
more than four sides,"

"and it does not seem possible
that truths so clear and apparent"

"can be suspected of any uncertainty."

This book has taken me
over 14 years to write.

And it not without a little sadness that

I say goodbye to it
consuming my days and nights.

And nights.

And so...

as I stand here...

And so, in coming up... "summing" up...

Excuse me,
I'm feeling a little dizzy.

I thought it would feel differently,
I thought I would know more, I don't.

I don't know anything, really.

Thank you all for...


Oh, God, what did I say?

It was fine, although I'd think twice about
doing volunteer work for a suicide hotline.

You were doing okay
until Candice walked in.

Don't start, Henry, I just forgot to eat.
You should never drink on an empty stomach.

Listen, it's perfectly natural, she
left you, what, a year ago?

It's the stupid wine.

Thank God Candy left when she did,
or I never would have finished the book.

Thank God Rebecca left,
and Katherine, and Allison.

You're the only guy I know who can't
have sex and chew gum at the same time.

- Why does everything have to be about sex?
- Because everything is about sex.

Well, when I'm with someone,
when I'm involved with them,

I tend to get a
little sidetracked, that's all.

Greg, you call 14 years to write
a book a little sidetracked?

I bet she's still out there.

If I know Candice, she's...

No, no, no, no, Henry.

She's out there, come on, face
her like a grown-up, come on.

Do me a favor, Henry, don't let me go home
with her, say we're going out to dinner.

We are, it may seem
odd not to invite...

Please Henry, just don't
let me go home with her.

All right, all right.

There you are, are you all right?

It was that stupid wine. Hello, Candice.

- Hi.
- You look great.

Thanks, I hope you don't mind me
showing up like this on your big night.

It's just... I've been
thinking so much about you lately.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

- Do you want to go get a drink?
- No, no, I'd better not.

- Wanna grab a bite to eat?
- No, I'm not hungry.

- Do you want me to take you home?
- Okay.

Good to see you, Henry.

- But Greg, you said...
- Bye, Henry.

Can... Candy, don't... don't leave.

- That was great.
- I thought you were going to stay.

- Well, we're done. Is my shoe there?
- I still have feelings for you.

Greg, I dumped you for another man,
how could you still have feelings for me?

- Besides, I'm still sort of with Paul.
- I thought that was over.

Yeah, well, he was cheating on me,

I guess... I guess I just wanted to feel better
about myself before I see him tomorrow night.

- That's why you're here?
- Well, yeah.

Look, you were always such a nice guy,
but let's face it,

we had nothing in common except
sex, and the fact you idolize me.

I... I really do care for you... really.

These are by δΘΣτΘP⌠ß⌠Θ
which is Greek to me.

- I just can't wind up with you.
- Can I call you sometime?

What for?

Rose, you going or what?

No, I cancelled.

So, what do you
want to do for dinner?


Why don't you make that
pasta with the artichokes?

Then maybe later we can figure out what
to do with your hair for Claire's wedding.

What is this?

Look at this.


I wish I could escape.

The mating ritual is both speedy and
violent for these passionate insects.

The lesser male often covering
the larger female.

If unsuccessful in mounting, the male mantis is
often eaten by the females during copulation.

We're the girls of 1-400 Hot Talk.

Briana, Tina, Marla
and me: Felicia.

Anything you want to talk about,

Call me! Call me! Call me!


- I don't really know where to begin.
- Are you lonely tonight, Darling?


So am l.
What are you wearing?

Nothing special.

Felicia, can I ask you a question?

Wanna know what I'm
wearing? Just a towel.

Ooh, I was drying myself off,
after a hot shower when you called...

Felicia, Felicia, why do women leave?


Why do women leave?

Especially beautiful women.

I can't go through this anymore.

Life is very complex.
There are no guarantees.

Why should that be?

The mathematical world
is completely rational.

Uncomplicated by sex.

- You think too much, Hon.
- Felicia, I...

Don't you want to know
how big my tits are?

No, no, I... I... I just want
to share my life with someone.

Someone I'm not sexually attracted to.


How can two people come
together for what's a...

a lasting and substantial,
mutual respect, genuine affection

in a world that's run by
ad agencies selling great sex?

Take out your own ad, I guess.

An ad?

Look at me, I'm a grown woman
wearing a prom dress.

You are not, you look adorable.

Adorable? I look like an over-the-hill Barbie
doll. It doesn't fit right, too tight.

Too many Snoballs.

Why didn't you pick
out something looser in my color?

Because maids of honor don't wear black.

Now, it would help if you
fixed yourself up a little bit.

- Why don't you wear some make-up?
- I AM wearing make-up.

Let's go.

And your hair looks good today, I like it,
the curls work, why don't you get a perm?

I tried that once, I look like
Shirley Temple on crack.

Where the hell is she?
I'm going to kill her.

I knew she would pull something
like this, she just can't stand the fact

that I'M the one getting
all the attention today.

We should have had her
COMMITTED when she turned 60.

Claire, you can't have someone
committed for excessive vanity?

Thank you, Rose.

How wonderful to have two
compassionate daughters.

I thought you were going
to wear make-up today?

I am wearing make-up.


Oh, my God!

- What the hell are you wearing?
- This happens to be an imitation Scassi.

You're the mother of the
bride, not the opening ACT.

Fine! I'll go home and change.

Oh, stop it, we're late already,
the priest is sweating.

All celibates sweat, Dear,
if they didn't, they'd explode.

Come on, let's go.

I just went to buy myself a
little snack.

I can't sit through this ganze megillah
without eating something, I'll pass out.

- It'll only take 45 minutes.
- It'll feel like 2 hours.

Not to mention that you're marrying
outside your faith, and on the Sabbath.

Oh, Mother, the only
thing you ever taught me

about the Sabbath is that
Bergdorf’s wouldn't be as crowded.

Now, you listen to me!

Take it easy, Claire.

I want you to get out there and
I want you to remember today is MY day.

And if you don't behave
yourself, I'm gonna have your

birth certificate blown-up
as a Christmas card.

I should have never
encouraged you to speak.

Maybe she'll look back
and turn into a pillar of salt.

Hannah looks pretty good for her age.

Alex looks nervous.

Oh, God, I hope I'm
doing the right thing.

I think you are.

Ladies and gentlemen, the party is about to
get started. The dance floor is all yours!

Okay, Girls, lick your lips, come in close,
come in close, oh, yes, kiss me. Oh!

Sophia, tell Claire I'm looking for her.

Your husband's a lucky guy.

- Waiter! Can we have more dressing?
- We were separated at birth.

Two more drinks, when
you get a chance, please.

- That would be nice.
- Okay, this looks delicious, I'm so happy.

And now, something a little
romantic, for all the lovers tonight.

These are by δΘΣτΘP⌠ß⌠Θ
which is Greek to me.

- I can't believe he's married.
- I can't believe he chose CLAIRE over you.

- I can!
- I told you not to introduce them.

Well, she already had a
husband, I thought it was safe.

So, how are you handling all this?

I've learned my lesson... no more
fantasies about good looking men.

- You never know, there's a guy out there somewhere.
- Oh, yeah? Who? Barry Neufeldt?

So, what's wrong with him...

besides that fact that he looks like
Gumpy and he irritates the shit out of you?

- Gumby.
- Gumby.

Gumby, not Gumpy.

Why should that matter,
I'm no great prize, either.

Don't say that! You are a terrific
person and a great teacher.

The truth is I think I've
just reached the point.

- What point?
- The point that you know you'll never get married.

Married? What's marriage
anyway? Oh, come on!

A ring, a contract,
fighting and compromising.

No, it can be more than that.

I'll tell you what I... what
I envy about people in love?


I'd love it if someone who
knew me, really knew me.

What I like, what I'm afraid of,
what kind of toothpaste I use.

I think that... would really be wonderful.

Hey, hey, hey, Sister-in-law.
You having a good time here?


Ladies and gentlemen,
in honor of the bride's family...

- Have you seen Claire?
- No.

- I can't find her anywhere.
- I'll go find her for you.

Oh, thank you, you look
beautiful tonight by the way.

- Right.
- No, I'm not just saying that, you do, you really...

l heard you.

Why don't you have some coffee?
I'll go find Claire.

Claire, where have you
been, Alex is looking for you.

Oh, brother, it's starting already?

How could you do this?
I may never forgive you.

I may never forgive you,
but that's another story.

Yes! Aw! Yes! Aw!

- Yes!!
- I'm Professor Gregory Larkin.

I'm calling about

the response to my ad.
Is this Professor Morgan?

No, no, this is her sister, Rose
doesn't even know I answered the ad.

Oh, well, then maybe...
maybe we shouldn't be talking.

Oh, no, no please, it's... it's just
that Rose would never answer an ad herself.

I mean you know, some of these
guys are such creeps and losers.

But when it said you taught at Columbia,

ya know, something just clicked inside.

- Now, you have seen her picture, right?
- Yes.

- And?
- And what?

Nothing... great.

Make way, please.

So, this is the scene
at my sister's wedding, right?

There she is getting drunk, regretting she ever
got married... for the third time, mind you.

My mother is so jealous, she's
sprouting snakes from her hair,

and I'm thinking, this is perfect...

We've got three feminine archetypes here:
The divine whore... excuse me,

Medusa, and me.
Who am I, what archetype?


The Virgin Mary?

Thanks a lot, Trevor.

No, the faithful handmaiden, always
the bridesmaid, never the bride.

It does prove, however,
what Jung said all along, that

myths and archetypes are alive
and well and living in my apartment.

As I... as I stood at the altar beside
my sister and her husband to be,

it struck me that this ritual,
called a wedding ceremony,

is really just the final
scene of a fairy tale,

they never tell you
what happens "after".

They never tell you that Cinderella drove the prince
crazy with her obsessive need to clean the castle.

That she missed her day job, right?

No, they don't tell us what happens "after"
because there is no "after".

The be-all and end-all
of romantic love was... Mike?


Mike! Mike, Mike, sex on
the brain, Mike! Right? Yes.


Marriage, that's right... but
it wasn't always like that.

Around the 12th century there was
a notion known as "courtly love",

where love had nothing to do with
marriage and nothing to do with sex.

In most cases it was defined as
a PASSIONATE relationship between

a knight and a lady of the
court who was already married,

and so they could NEVER
consummate their love.

In this way they would have
to rise above your ordinary,

you know, "going to the bathroom in
front of each other" kinda love, right?

And they would go after
something more... DIVINE.

They took sex out of the equation,
and what was left was a "union of souls".

Now, think of this...

sex was always the fatal love potion.

Look at the literature of the time...

Lancelot and Guinevere, Tristan and Isolde.

All consummation could lead to was
madness, despair or death.

Clinical experts, scholars and my Aunt
Esther are united in the belief that...

that true love has spiritual dimensions,

while romantic love is
nothing but a lie, an illusion,

a modern myth, a soulless manipulation.

And speaking of manipulation...

It's like going to the movies
and we see the lovers on screen kiss,

and the music swells,
and we buy it, right?

So when my date takes me
home and kisses me goodnight,

if I don't hear the Philharmonic
in my head, I dump him.

Now, the question is,
why do we buy it?

We buy it because, whether
it's a myth or a manipulation,

let's face it, we all want
to fall in love, right?

Why? Because that experience
makes us feel completely alive.

Where every sense is heightened,
every emotion is magnified,

our everyday reality is... is shattered,
and we are flung into the heavens.

It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon,
but that doesn't diminish its value.

Because we're left with memories that we
treasure for the rest of our lives.

I read an article a while ago... that said,

"When we fall in love, we
hear Puccini in our heads."

l love that.

I think it's because
his music fully expresses

our longing FOR passion in
our lives, and romantic love.

And while we're listening to La Bohème or
Turandot, or reading Wuthering Heights, or

watching Casablanca,... a little
bit of that love lives in us, too.

So... the final question is:
Why do people want to fall in love,

when it can have such a short shelf life and be
devastatingly painful? What do you think? Stacy.

It leads to propagation of the species?

- Randy.
- Psychologically we need to connect with somebody.

- Could be.
- Jill.

- Because we're we culturally preconditioned?
- Good answers, but much too intellectual for me.

I think it's because...
as some of you already may know,

while it does last, it feels
fucking great, that's why.


Thank you, thank you.

I'm halfway through my meal,
and you haven't even started yet.

The perfect... bite.

You need a therapist.

Ah, Rose, do we have to have the television
on? Can't we have a civilized conversation?

I know I'm not as intellectually stimulating
as some of your university people...

All right, okay, I'm sorry,
how was your day, Mother?

- Who gives a shit?
- Come on! I said I was sorry, let's talk.

I've lived too long, I should
be dead, not having conversations...

Would you stop it, please, give me that!
Talk to me already!

All right. You haven't even noticed
l had my hair done differently.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought
you looked different.

Looks great.

What's different about it?

The... um...

There's nothing different about it. You're
just like your father, so easy to trip up.

- So, how... how was work?
- Same as always.

Although I had one customer come in
looking for a make-over... she needed one.

Dyed blonde hair, blue eye shadow,
ash-brown foundation...

- Hideous.
- Hideous, hideous.

Anyway, she was shocked when
she found out how old I was.

Oh! How old were you?


I ran into Mr. Jenkins again.

- Oh, yeah.
- He cornered me in the elevator.

He wants to take me to some
Alzheimer's benefit, I said forget it.

I can't believe he still asks
you after all these years.

Why don't you go with him sometime?

Oh, please! Those days are over, I raised two
daughters, I buried a husband, that's my life.

I have no interest in
starting another one.

Besides, he knows my situation with you.

You're not seeing him because of me?

How would it look? The mother's
dating and the daughter stays home alone?


Who's looking?

Hello... Hi.

Hello, this is...

Hello, I'm... I'm Gregory Larkin.

Professor Gregory Larkin.

Answer the phone, I'm sleeping.



Yes, is Professor Larkin there?


I mean, is Professor Morgan there?

- Barely... who's this?
- This is Gregory Larkin.

I'm a professor at the...
in the math department at Columbia.

- I was just calling to see...
- What?

- How are you tonight?
- I'm fine. How you are?


I... I hope it wasn't presumptuous of me,
but I sat in on one of your classes and...

I was very impressed with...
I hoped we could have dinner Saturday...

Hold on!

- Could you talk louder, please!
- I sat in on your class today.

- Hold on a minute, hold on, don't go away.
- I was impressed with your teaching.

I was hoping that we could
have dinner Saturday...

I can do this!
I can do this!

Hello, can you hear me? Hello?

Okay, let's start again... you're a math
teacher and you want to eat dinner.

I sat in on one of your classes.

- Rose who's on the phone?
- Be quiet!

- I'm sorry.
- No! Not you, not you.

- Who's calling?
- I don't know!

Gregory Larkin.
Math department. Columbia.

as complex. But in
reality it is quite simple.

It's simply a matter of pretending
that y is a function of x.

And so...

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

- I saw you pass by.
- Yeah, I was just passing by, and...

I'm sorry about calling
about calling the other night.

I was so confused.

- So, are we on for Saturday night?
- Sure.

- Good, I'm looking forward to it.
- Moi aussi.

So, this one must be very good looking
for you to go to all this trouble.

Oh, I hate lipstick.

It's not a good color for you, did
you try the samples I brought home?

- It doesn't matter, I'm not going.
- Oh, what do you want for dinner?

I don't care about dinner, I'm upset.
Can't you see that I'm upset?

Well, how should I know, you're always
so relieved when you cancel your dates.

This is not a date, we're just
agreeing to eat at the same table.

Then why does it matter how you look

unless you think something
might happen with this one?

Mother, will you stop
calling him "this one",

it sounds like you're
picking out a lobster.

And nothing's going to happen,
he just likes the way I teach.

- You need more color.
- More color than this?

Yes! Look, will you sit down
and let me do it.

- All right.
- This is what I do in life.

Don't make me look like a clown.

No! You won't look like a clown...
here, you have to blend.

Where's the hairpiece?

Here! So do you want me to
make you something before I leave?

Well it's not such a bad
thing to keep a man waiting,

you don't want him to think he's
the only date you've had in years.

He's not a date!

- Where's the bow? Where's the bow?
- Here!

Hi, Eddie.

Hey! Hey! Your mother did you up
again, looks terrific, Miss Morgan.

Thank you.

Want me to get you a cab?

No, I'm fine.

All right.

Ooh, Good.




Are you sure about this?

- Yes, Lady, get in!
- Now, where you gonna take me?

- Get in, Lady.
- Thanks.

Here's where I'm going, but don't go
'til I put up your window here.

Oh no! No, no!

- They're broke, Lady! They're broke, Lady!
- My hair! No! My Hair!

Don't complain to me.
Complain to the cab company.

- It's not my cab, Lady!
- Please, my hair... the window!

- Hi!
- Hi! Hi!

I'm sorry, I apologize.

I'm sorry, apologize for
what? You're exactly on time.

Oh! No, I meant my... my hair. I must look
like l was attacked by wolves.

Oh, well, then I apologize,
I... I didn't... I didn't even notice.

Yeah... well...

Could you excuse me while I just go
over to the ladies' room?

- Sure, sure.
- I'll be right back.

Do you enjoy dancing?

Yeah, I used to love to dance
with my father. You?

Oh, I... I find it rather embarrassing.

- Really.
- I enjoy watching.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, very much.

- Watching?
- Pairs...

It's interesting how coupling appears
all throughout nature and in mathematics.

Oh, yeah, you were telling
me something about pairs...

Oh, the twin-prime conjecture.

Yes, well, it explores
pairs of prime numbers,

numbers that are only
divisible by themselves.

3- 5, 5-7, Not 7-9 because...

- 9 can be divided by 3.
- That's right... that's right.

Then you have 11-13, 17-19 and so on.

And what was discovered was what
often occurred were pairs separated by...

One number in between.

Exactly! Exactly!

Did you read my book?

No, no, I'm sorry.

No, no, that's all right.
This... this is really marvelous.

Yeah, first date where I feel
like I'm winning on a game show.

Oh, I... I... I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to lecture.

Oh, I... I... I'm sorry,
I... I didn't mean to call it a date.

It's just rare that I meet a person
l can discuss these things with.

It's just...

- Some pepper?
- Oh, no, not for me.

Thank you.

When you get a chance, can you bring me
a little side dish of extra dressing?


I don't particularly like salad,
l just like the dressing.

This twin prime
conjecture is interesting,

what would happen if you
counted past a million?

Would there still be pairs like that?

I can't believe you thought of that.

This is exactly what is yet to be
proven in the twin prime conjecture.


Say, you know...

I have these tickets for
a concert next Saturday,

I was wondering if can we do this again?

- Sure.
- Great. Terrific.

What was it you... wanted to discuss
about my teaching?

Oh, well, uh...

I have a confession to make, that was
just an excuse to meet you.

- I hope you don't mind.
- Mind?

Not that I didn't find
your class fascinating.

In fact I have so many
questions, the first of which is:

How do you get them to stay?


- Nothing.
- What happened to your hair?

Don't ask.

You don't think you'll see him again?

No, we're going out next week.

So, he must like you.

Did he kiss you?


That's kind of sweet, actually.

- Hey.
- Hi.

This is Cindy.

This is a spectrum analyzer,

it makes graphic representations
of the music... watch.

- Who's the girl?
- Rose Morgan.

Henry Fine, he's a professor
here in anthropology.

Beautiful music, isn't it?

- Beautiful.
- Beautiful atmosphere.

- Oh, God, I enjoyed that.
- Wasn't that terrific?

- Yeah, thank you so much for inviting me.
- My pleasure, my pleasure.

Why don't... why don't you
come up to my apartment?

I live just across the street, I
wanna give you a copy of my book.

- Oh, I... I... I... I'd love that.
- Great.

A copy of your book, I mean. I...

I didn't mean to imply I want to
come up to your apartment, right?

- But... but Rose, I'm inviting you up.
- Oh, yeah.

If... if... if you like this kind of music, l
have some... some wonderful CD's, but they're...

well, they're also in my apartment.

Greg, look, I have to be honest with you, I...
I'm a little out of practice with this.

Rose, I want you to feel comfortable,
that's very important to me.

- It is?
- Yes, so...

I want to tell you up front...
I'm not interested in sex.

- You're not?
- No, and it has nothing to do with you.

- It doesn't?
- No.

It actually has to do with what you were
talking about in your class the other day.

- It does.
- Yes...

I, too, believe that it's illusions about
love and the emphasis on sex

that keeps people today
separate and alone.

As... as... as... you said, yourself,
romance is a myth, a manipulation.

Oh, no, wait, I was... I was referring to
academic opinions that are purely subjective.

No, but Rose, Rose, you were right!

Relationships that are based
on romantic love are worthless.

There's no point to them,
they have no value.

Did you stay for my whole class?

No, no, I... I left while you
were talking about the music

that we hear when lovers kiss
in the movies, and... and...

And I agree, it's... it's so
manipulative, because in real life,

we don't hear music when we kiss.

And the person you're with isn't a movie
star, it's a malicious... a malicious...

- Fantasy?
- Fantasy, fantasy, right!

- Do you mind if I sit down?
- Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

This... this addiction to... to beauty and
perfection that's created by advertising,

it just feeds on people's pathetic desires.

People, they don't...

they don't have their own opinions
anymore, do you... do you agree?

Well, I know what you mean...

The media tells us what's
beautiful and what's not.

TV shows tell us what a relationship is
supposed to be like and feel like... and sex!


No, no, I don't even want to tell you
how that's ruined my life...

Oh, no, go ahead and tell me.

- Well, well, I... I go crazy.
- Really?

- Literally.
- Yeah?

When I want someone sexually,
l go out of my mind.

- No kidding?
- Oh, oh, oh...

Do you remember that... that... that movie
where the woman, you know, kills the bunny?

"Fatal Attraction"?

Right! Right! Now,
granted, that was a film,

- Yeah.
- But...

I can understand what that
woman was going through.

You can?

- Not that I would ever kill an innocent animal.
- Oh, that's a relief.

I'm all too familiar with that
feeling that you get when you

want someone so much that it
physically hurts not to have them.

Yeah, I know... what you mean.

This fiction, known as "falling in love", it
drives people crazy, as you said in your class.

- I said that?
- At the end of it,

- you're either mad, alone, or...
- I said "dead", dead.

- Dead!
- The operative word was: fiction.

Right! Right, Rose, we're dead, dead.

Now... now I... I do believe that two people,
well, they... they CAN come together, even MARRY,

for... for reasons that are more...

more meaningful and more...
more concrete than sex.

A love that grows in time out of respect,
love, trust, common interest.

You ever notice how those friendships
last longer than most marriages?

- Well, that's true...
- in this day and age...

But I think the 12th
century was on to something.

- Yeah?
- Would you like some coffee? Tea?

Got any scotch?

Yes. Yes.

So, are you busy during the week? I was
hoping you could help me with my teaching.

I'm sure you're much better
than you give yourself credit for.

Hey, maybe you could sit in on one
of my classes, tell me what you think.

If X squared plus Y squared
equals 16,

how do we find DV/DX
as an implicit function of X and Y?

Well, Y is a function of X,
so we could differentiate both sides.

The right hand side is...
what is the left hand side?

and you're like walking
across the room like this,

and you're into your
own thing, it's like...

Your body language is very detached,
very alienating.

I mean... you see what I'm saying?

I... I... I just think that you have to
relate more to the kids... engage them.

You're up there with
your back to the room,

having a great time
solving your own problems, but...

It's like you're having a math
party, and you only invited yourself.

- No math party?
- No math party.

So, relax, loosen up,
have some fun with it.

Relax, have fun... what was
the other thing you said?

"Loosen up". Greg, put the pen down,
I'm not going to test you on this stuff.

Come on, teach me something, anything.

- Okay!
- Um-huh.

If a... if a ball is thrown into the air,
and its height, H, equals 100 T...

Gregory, you fink, what are you doing?
No, turn around, turn around, talk to me.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh.

T is time in seconds, at what limit is
the speed approaching when T approaches...

You lost me, I'm absolutely...
What does that all mean?

You have to put it in some
context, make up a story,

Jazz it up a little, maybe
find some humor in it.

Humor in calculus?

Well, try telling a story.

- A story?
- All right.

Oh, okay... once upon a time...

- Um-huh.
- There was a... a ball,

and it was thrown into the air,

and its height...
Maybe I should just write books.

Why, no one understands those either?
Just kidding.

Don't give up, don't give
up, do it again, try it again.

- Tell you another story?
- Right, another story.

- Hi, Professor Larkin, Oh-oh, I'm sorry.
- No, no, no, no, no, no...

That's all right.

Do we have an appointment?

No, actually, I wanted to make one,
it's about next semester.

Tomorrow... could you come
back tomorrow, after class?

My head is swimming,
it's hot in here.

Why don't you put your
head between your legs.

That's a good idea.

Pretty girl.

Very pretty.

How can you tell
under all that make-up?

You don't use make-up, do you?

What's the point, I still look like me,
only in color.

No, you're just too smart for
all that, you know who you are,

you're a confident, no-nonsense,
no frills kind of woman.

I sound like an airline.

I'm sorry, I'm probably saying it wrong.

It's just that you
don't need any of that, Rose.

How's your head?

Yeah, I think, ya
know, food will help you.

- Pizza, maybe?
- Yeah! Yeah, that'd be great!

Thank you for helping me.

Where can we go? Someplace really interesting.
Dancing? Now, why did I say that?

Oh! You can take me to my
great dessert place.


Why is everything that's
delicious, fattening.

Oh, my mother would kill me, but I'd love
to... What is that, a Danish? I mean...

This is the one, right here!

Trees, they're so fascinating, they don't
even have to touch to propagate.

Greg, you would find that fascinating...

- How many do I need?
- You need a 2... 1,2,3,4,5,6...

Why didn't I see this move?

Thank you very much, I owe you one.

Sometimes you don't see what's
right in front of your face.

Six and a five... gotcha, gotcha!

Oh! The pretzel!

Oh, you can have mine, you sounded so
excited over the phone, what was it?

Well, I'm not ready to write,
but let me run this by you...

I'm going to take my
idea about falling in love

as a societal, man-made,
cultural creation

and expand that to include
a biological participation

and its effect on the individual man...

- Do you see?
- You need a hobby.

- You're gonna get it now, Kid.
- Oh, yeah?

God! I can't believe you've been dating
for three months and haven't even kissed!

I can't figure-out the logistics of that.

- How do you say "hello"?
- Well, we nod... it works... kind of.

Are you telling me you
haven't even touched?

Oh, I fell down once and he
picked me up, does that count?

We talk a lot, that's what we do.

- About what?
- Oh, about everything, it's great because I...

I don't worry about what I say,
what I wear, what I eat.

It's such a relief
eating in front of a man

and not worrying whether he's
going to get frightened or not.

I like that!

- He's really fun to be with, too.
- Yeah?

Well, maybe "fun" is too cheerful a word...
he's "interesting"... that's what he is.


- How many men can you say that about?
- Not many.

Do you think a TIE is too
personal a birthday gift?

Not unless you're planning to use it
on something else, other than his neck.

- Does he look good in vests?
- He'd look good in a garbage bag.

- Why do you want him to meet your mother?
- I don't, it was my big mouth.

Ya know, I kept telling
him what a great cook I was,

the next thing I know I'm
offering a birthday dinner.

And I've got to find him something nice,

'cause after he meets her, I'll
probably never see him again.

Hi, Girls! Rose!

- Hi!
- Hi, Claire!

I'm starving, can we eat?

- Hi!
- Yeah!

Oh, Honey, I hate to turn down a
meal, but I got a date with a post grad.

Claire, help her find a
gift for Dr. Strangelove.

- Who?
- Nothing.

Ya know, we should get you some blush.

- No!
- I'm hungry, Claire.

- Fruit.
- Fruit?

Yes! Fruit!

Why are you so grumpy today,
how's everything going?

Oh, please!

Ay, Claire, if he wasn't gorgeous, rich and
straight, I wouldn't have even bothered.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing!

I'm just sick to death of the sight of the
man l am bound to for eternity., that's all.

- Why are you saying that?
- What am I saying that? Two soups please.

Because! No matter where I go,
no matter what I do, there he is.

In the kitchen, in the bathroom,
on the phone, on my finger.

I was asleep the other night.
When I wake up, he's staring at me.

- Staring at you?
- Yeah.

- I think that's sweet.
- Sweet? I think it's kinda strange.

Eh! Hey! We're done! Let's go!

I mean, do you have any idea
how weird that makes me feel?

I'm in the middle of one of my
lesbian orgies dreams, and

he's staring at me like
I'm supposed to include HIM.

I can't even fantasize in private.

Here's your change, Hon.

Thank you.

One soup.

So, Mom said you've been
seeing somebody pretty steady.

- She did?
- Is he cute?

- Aw, shit!
- What?

- Hi, Girls.
- Oh, hi, Alex.

- Rose.
- What are you doing here?

Well, I... I thought
I'd meet you for coffee.

Is that a terrible thing to do?

Excuse me, I'm going
to the ladies' room... alone.

Can you believe this weather?
It's almost April and it's still cold.

I'm glad I have you alone, actually.
Can I ask you a question?

It may sound strange, but...

Is Claire happy?
I mean, do YOU think she's happy?

Yes, I... I... I... I think she is.. why?

I'm being silly.
I'm a first-time husband, I guess.

If she doesn't wake up every morning telling
me how ecstatic she is, I... I worry.

Did you ever think that when you and I
first met I'd end up marrying your sister?

And I have you to thank for it.

YOU made this possible.

Knowing you has changed my life, Rose.

- Don't... don't do that.
- What? What am I doing?

You don't even know, do you?

Oh, Rose.

- Just tell Claire that I had to run, okay?
- Rose, Rose, I'm sorry.

Wow! I really thought I was over him.
I hate this, it's so stupid, I...

- and I sound so pathetic.
- No, no, not at all.

He asked if Claire was happy,
and I... I lied.

- Isn't that awful?
- Nothing criminal.

Thank you for seeing
me on such short notice.

You... you sounded so upset over the phone,
are you feeling any better now?

Yeah, yeah, a little.

- You know, Rose, it takes time.
- Yeah, I know.

Greg, I want you to know that I...
I really value our friendship...

it means a lot to me.

- I feel the same way, which is why tonight...
- Tonight?!

Well, I... I better go home, because I have to
get dinner ready. I'll see you at eight, okay?

Shall I bring anything?
Something for your mother?

Yeah, a wooden stake and a crucifix.


Rose loves to fold napkins...
one of her idiosyncrasies.

You'll have to forgive me, I came home late from
work and just threw this on. God knows how I look.

I hope you like it.

God, Rose, it's art!

- Oh, no, It's not art.
- No, no, no.

An artist isn't just somebody who paints or sculpts,
it's somebody who sets the table a certain way,

prepares a meal a certain way,
or teaches in a certain way.

- You're an artist, isn't she?
- Thank you.

Why didn't you use the Limoges, Dear?
We have company.

May I serve you?

- Rose!
- Oh, my hands are clean.

We go to all this trouble,
and Rose and I don't eat very much.

Really? Oh!

Whenever I've been with Rose, I've noticed
she had a very HEALTHY appetite.

I can't stand women who eat
two bites and say they're full.

Thank God.

Rose, do you really
need extra salt, Dear?

You know how much water a woman
retains with too much salt.

- Can I have some?
- There you go.

- And I love the potatoes, too.
- Uh-uh, you don't need them.

Have you ever sat IN
on one of your daughter's classes?

Oh, my mother sitting-in on
one of my classes? Right!



Oh, that's... that's the best part.

Rose tells me you've never been married.


That's all right, Rose.

That's correct, Mrs.
Morgan, l... I haven't.

I guess it's the old saying that I
just haven't found the right girl.

I have had several relationships that haven't worked
out, but, that... that's all going to change.

Oh, really? Why?

Well, as I... as I told Rose,
l have a theory about love, and

- sex.
- Does anybody want coffee?

Oh, I'd love some.

- What theory?
- Regular or decaf?

- Regular.
- I can make cappuccinos.

Cappuccinos, would you like
cappuccinos? How about that? Huh?

Greg, why don't you come
to the kitchen and help me.

Rose, why don't you
go put the coffee on?

Mother, I made dinner, why
don't you put the coffee on?

I raised two daughters, I buried
a husband, I've made my coffee.

Well! Alone at last.

- I've heard a lot about you.
- And I've heard a lot about you.


You've been seeing a lot of my
daughter these last few months, and...

I hope you don't mind my asking, but...
I'd like to know what your intentions are.

My intentions?


What a lovely meal!
Ah, gosh, you're a good cook.

Oh, thank you, thank you.
I didn't oversell myself?

No, no, on the contrary, but you didn't
have to go to all that trouble.

Of course I had to go to
all that trouble, it was your birthday.

Ya know, what are friends for, but to give
each other presents and stuff, and...

Happy birthday.


Open it up, open up, open up, open up.

- You shouldn't have done this.
- I know, I know, I know, I really hope you like it.

What are these, dice?

They once were dice, now
they're cuff links with...

- Prime numbers!
- Two, three, five, no nine.

- They are so beautiful! How did you do that?
- Had 'em made... especially for you.

Hope they're okay,
they were done very fast.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Yeah, well...

Rose, I've been meaning to ask you
something, and I can only say this once...

- What?
- Sit down.

I think we have a lot in common and, although I'm aware
that certain variables are, and forever will be, unknown,

as is the case with most
complex equations where you'd have

- two complete, reverse...
- Greg, talk to me.

I'm not saying this right, am I?


Well, this... this feeling you have for
Alex, well, it won't be the same with ME.

You won't have that constant ache in the pit of
your stomach, because... well, we're not in love.

I think we DO share
a genuine AFFECTION for each other.

We share a passion for knowledge,
rather than the physical passion.

Although, if sex is something
that interests you,

I'm sure I could provide that on
occasion, given enough warning.

What are you saying?

Well, we were both in love and we were
both miserable, and we're both alone.

Which is a waste, really,
because as people, we're quite valuable.


Rose, when I look at you, I see a woman
unlike any other I've known before.

Your mind, your humor,
your passion for ideas.

I'm very fond of you.

I feel, in a strange way,
when I'm with you, I feel as if I'm...

as if... as if I'm home.

- So I think we should get married.
- Huh?

People marry for sexual passion,
which fades, or beauty, which fades.

Why are my reasons
more insane than those?

Are you in shock, or just appalled?

Blink if you can hear me.

- What? Why are you laughing?
- I just... I'm sorry... I... what...

This sounds silly,
but... but... I was just thinking...

How... how can... how can I marry someone
that... that I've never even...

you know...



Ya know, before you answer, there is
one other thing I have to tell you,

I promised your sister I wouldn't, but I
can't enter into this without you knowing.

- You love Claire, too?
- No! No... I... I...

- You just slept with her?
- Oh, God! No!

- You want to sleep with her?
- Rose! I don't even know your sister!

- Oh!
- No! No... it's about how I found you,

- you see, I wrote this ad...
- An ad?

- Yes.
- L think that's kind of great.

- Oh, you do?
- Uh-huh!

Oh, what a relief! Oh, I thought
you were going to be upset.

Why? You picked ME.

Well, actually, I found
you through this ad,

and there was this
charming woman on TV...

Alicia, I think her name was, I think...

Well, well, well...


Gregory just proposed to me.

Do you need a valium?

Well, I know you don't have much respect
for my opinion, but I don't trust him.

- I mean, where's the attraction?
- You mean: why is he attracted to ME?

He's not mother, does that
make you feel better?

He doesn't want SEX,
he wants to be companions.


What sane person would
agree to that kind of marriage?

I never HEARD of anything
so ridiculous, it's not natural.

What's natural? Claire and Alex?

He WANTS me, Mother! Maybe not the
same way you and CLAIRE were wanted.

Sure he wants you!
He wants you to cook and clean for him!

Then it would be much
different than living here!

I happen to know he found you
through an Ad! Your sister told me.

I already know, Mom, sorry.

Look... I know this isn't your
average proposal, but... let's face it...

ya know, they're not
standing in line for me.

And besides, we... we have a lot in
common, we really like each other!

Then say yes! What do you want from me?!
I can live alone! I can manage!

If you think getting married under
these conditions is normal, then go ahead.

Why do you do that?

Why do you make it sound so... pathetic?

You had a life.
A husband who adored you.

Why don't you want me to have
just a little bit of that?

I'm getting older, too, Mom.
Why can't you be happy for me?

But you can't, can you?

Because you're scared
to death of being alone.

- And you're jealous.
- Jealous? Huh!

Jealous because a man wants me. A GOOD
looking man wants me, how ridiculous!

Well, you know something, Mom?
A man does.

Today, Gregory Thomas Larkin and Rose Rachel
Morgan have placed rings on each other's fingers,

and have agreed to share their lives and hopes,
and to recognize each other as equals.

They shall seek, through kindness and understanding,
to achieve a life together as they have envisioned.

We are gathered here to participate and
witness this special ceremony of marriage,

which is a means of establishing
and continuing a home.

Inasmuch as you have considered together to live
in wedlock and to exchange vows before witnesses,

by the authority vested in me, and in accordance
with the laws of the State of New York,

l now pronounce you husband and wife.
Here's your certificate and good luck.

Thank you very much, Your Honor.

- Congratulations! She's a great...
- Yes, she is, thanks.

- I've heard so much...
- Likewise about you, you're pretty...

We all ought to...

Oh, absolutely, that would be wonderful,
excuse me, got to make a phone call.


Had I known you were this good looking,
I'd've answered the ad for myself.

Oh, Congratulations! She's the best person I know.
I mean, if l were a man, I'd be all over her.

Good luck and congratulations, I'm sure
you'll both be very fascinating to watch.

Marriage is the supreme sharing
of experience and an adventure...



Isn't it amazing how many books
you accumulate over the years?

- Yeah, I know what you mean.
- Oh! I can't believe it.

And the dust!

- Ya know, this place needs a good cleaning.
- Well, we'll take care of that.

- I made some room on the shelves for your books.
- Oh, good.

- Need any help?
- No, everything's pretty much... put in its place.

- So, what would you like to do?
- Go to bed.

To sleep... I mean... to, to... in order
to sleep. You go to the bed for sleeping.

- Unless you'd rather do something else?
- I'm sorry, what?

- What?
- No, no, go... go ahead.

I wasn't going to say anything.

All right, all right, so,
do you want the bathroom first?

No, I can wait.

No, no, no, no, you go.

- Are... are you sure?
- No, no, you go... please... please.

Oh, God.

Your turn.


Not really.

- Me neither. These are nice.
- Thanks.

- Do you want to watch some TV?
- Oh, sure, I have some tapes... old movies.

- Oh, great.
- Oh, good.

I brought, let's see...

"It Happened One Night", "Lawrence
of Arabia", "Now, Voyager"?

How about "Lawrence of Arabia"?
It's nice and long.

Okay, "Lawrence of Arabia" it is.

- Just stick it in.
- Right.

- Is it over?
- Yeah. Now, go to sleep.

Are you just looking, or buying?

It all depends, I'm not sure yet.

- So, how about you? It seems to be going well.
- Better than that.

- Have you two...?
- No, and it hasn't made a bit of difference.

I don't know how you do it, but if it
works I give you both a lot of credit.

Credit? Credit for what?

Oh, I was just telling Henry
how sex isn't an issue for us.

I mean, it's much less complicated
this way, not to mention sanitary.

Yes, yes... it feels so
good to be writing again,

- I'm having so many ideas for the new book.
- Yeah?

I can't believe how easily it's coming,
I have outlines for three chapters already.

That's great.

What a terrific idea this was of
yours, Rose, to come here to the Park.

I... I've never written in
the park, it's wonderful.

I'm glad.

Another one of these.

Is that Barry?

I think it is.



Hi, it's Rose.


- Hi, how are you?
- How are you?

- Good to see ya.
- This is Gloria.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Oh! This is my husband, Gregory Larkin.
- Hello.

Hi, Gregory, yes, this is Gloria.

- I heard you got married, congratulations.
- Thank you.

Gosh, you look good, Barry.

- Well, being engaged agrees with me.
- Engaged! Oh, congratulations!

Yeah, well, I finally found
someone who didn't cancel on me.

Will you excuse me,
please, nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you, too, thanks.

- I'm really happy for you... both.
- Thank you.

- Thank you, Rose, and take care.
- You, too.

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, everything's okay.


The Jeans, the T-shirt, it's...
it's a great look on you.

- Yeah?
- You should wear it to class sometime.

Do you mind, I'd
love to get the scores.

No, no, you go ahead,
I'm gonna read the paper.

Oh, I didn't tell you...

I RECIEVED a few invitations from some
European universities to lecture on my book.

Oh, that's nice!

Yeah, I told 'em, of course, that...
l wanted to check with you first.

- Sounds good, for how long?
- Three months, starting in June after the term ends.

- Three months?
- Um-huh.

All right, guys, c'mon, let's get
a rally going here, c'mon, c'mon.

I never could understand
people's fascination with baseball.

I don't see the point of playing a game where
you wind up at the same place you started.

Well, actually, this should interest you,
because it's about stats and averages.

Stats and averages?
Explain that to me.

Well, see that, every
time a player comes up,

they flash that three-digit number,
and that is the player's average.

That is, how many times he HITS the ball, in
RATIO to how many times he comes-up to bat.

Now, which number is it?

equation such as the second derivative of the function
f with respect to the variable x equals a constant...

Anybody see the game yesterday?
That Marrakesh, what a bum, huh?

Let me try putting this another way.

When measuring trajectories, if a batter hits a ball,
how can we determine how far that ball will go?

What are the variables
needed to hit a home run,

pretending for a moment that
the bum COULD hit a home run?

- The VELOCITY with which the ball leaves the bat?
- The velocity! Correct!

- I have a question.
- Um-hum.

Does a rising fastball really rise?

I don't know.
I'll have to ask my wife.

I could not believe it, suddenly the room
was filled with this tangible energy.

We were actually exchanging ideas.
We were connected somehow.

They participated,
they questioned, they stayed!

Rose, I cannot thank you enough. I was a better
teacher today than I've ever been, because of you.

Well, thank you, thank you very much.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Fresh pepper?

No! She doesn't care for pepper,
but I'll have some, thanks.

Oh, and could you bring her a
little side dish of extra dressing?

She likes a little extra, thank you.

Certainly, right away.

So, I really feel that I should return the favor,
is there anything that I can do for you?

Anything that you... you want from me?

I'll have to think about that.

- Ma'am?
- Okay, just glop it on.

Thank you.

Enjoy your dinner.

- You're not eating.
- No, I'm watching your ritual.

- My what?
- Your ritual.

I just about got your sequence
now, I think.

- My sequence?
- Yes!

You always start-out by
rotating the plate counterclockwise,

cut on the diagonal...
you remove the unwanted elements...

and... and now, I believe,
comes my favorite part:

- What?
- The loading of the fork.

I find it's just fascinating, the percentages
that you use of the different vegetables

to create that ONE,
harmoniously balanced, perfect bite.

You have a little...

Don't smear it.

That might stain, you might want to
put a little soap on that.

I'll... be right back.

I want to ask you something,
just to reassure myself.

- Don't stop.
- What do you think, I'm... I'm a machine?

It is true for you, isn't it? This
overwhelming feeling we have for each other.

It's as true for you
as it is for me, isn't it?

- C'mon, c'mon, you're doing great, keep it up.
- Okay, ready?

Listen to that music, it's so ridiculous,
doesn't that just infuriate you?

Yeah, I'm livid.

Rose, I came by your office today to take
you out to lunch, and you weren't there.

Where were you, at a
staff meeting or something?

No, I had lunch with Henry.

Rose, he's a friend of mine,
but you have to watch out for him.

Believe me, I'm not his type.

No, no, no, I'm serious, he
has trouble controlling himself.

What, what, what?

- Uh, did you pull something?
- I think so.

- Where?
- Right here.

- Right here?
- Yeah, oh, a little lower.

Lower, closer to the spine, oh,
there, yeah, uh-huh, oh, yeah.

That's it, lean back into it.

You know, I was thinking, maybe you'd like to
meet me in Europe after your summer classes end.

We never had any kind of
honeymoon, vacation thing.

That's right. I would... gosh,
I would just love that.

Would you?

- What's the matter, am I pressing too hard?
- No, no, no, it's just that... I'm all sweaty, and,

I have to floss.

When ya gotta floss, ya gotta floss.

Claire, I don't know how to ask for it.

I mean, we're so polite to each other, sometimes
I feel like we're roommates at a charm school.

Rose, wait, hold-on a sec,
I gotta put you on the speaker.

I am so frustrated, Claire,
I don't know what to do.

Relax, give him a look that
let's him know you want SEX.

I tried that once, he thought
I had something's in my eye.

I'm talking about a look
that generates some HEAT.

God, you know, sometimes I swear he feels
something, too, I'm just not that sure.

Men aren't that bright, Rose. It's easy.
Be subtle, mysterious, seductive.

Subtle, mysterious, seductive?
Why don't men come with instructions?

I gotta go... I got... bye, bye.

- More coffee?
- Oo, yeah, thanks. Well, my tickets just arrived.

My first lecture is in Paris,
on the 24th, I leave Saturday.


- Do you want an English muffin or anything?
- No, no thanks.

Well, all right, I'm off, I have
to go, I have an early class.

All right, have a nice day.

Yeah. Well. Yeah. All right.

- Oh! By the way,
- Um-huh?

Ah... would telling you now that I'd like
sex TONIGHT be enough of a warning?

Or should... should... should we wait
'til you come back from Europe?

Yeah? Right? That's better.

No, no, no, that's fine... that's fine.

All right, well, I guess
I'll... see you tonight.

Have a nice day.

Have you ever tried making love?

Well, that's just it, our relationship
was never based on that.

I don't understand, things were going so
well. Having sex now will ruin everything.

You're a very sick man,
you know that?

I have the game on for ya.

Oh, great.

Some wine?

Oh, I don't know, Rose, before bed?
I'll wake up with a headache.

- One glass.
- All right, all right, one glass.

One glass.

- Same score?
- Um-huh.

This is good, it's sweet.
I normally don't like sweet, but...

- this is good.
- I'm glad you like it. Do you...

Would you mind terribly
if we MUTED the TV?

Oh, okay.

- Wha, wha, what are you doing?
- Ah, nothing... much.

All right. All right.

Would it be all right if I sat down?

The wine, it... made me warm.

- I can fix that.
- It's okay!

Good game?

I can't hear it.

Ya know, Rose...

- No, that's all right, that's all right.
- Did I hurt you?

No, no, no, no, you didn't hurt me, no,
you missed me, and you didn't spill a drop.

- I guess...
- That's funny? I guess it's kinda funny.

Do you think we could...
turn the TV OFF?

All right.

That's better.

We have to relax.

I agree.

So... uh...
uh... uh...

- How... how... how are classes?
- Going well.

- And... and... and... and your book? How's that...
- The outline is actually...

- It's...
- It is what?

It's coming along...

it's almost there.

It's not at all what I expected,
it's... it's harder than I thought.

But I'll uh...

- You'll "I'll uh" what?
- I'll uh......

- I... I... I'm sure that I'll...
- What are you sure of?

I'm sure I'll... I'll get there.

I want you to get there.

What did you say?

- Rose...
- Talk to me.

Oh, Rose.

- Oh, yes. Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

Oh, God. Oh, Rose. Oh, God.

- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.

No, no.

- I don't want to do this!
- What?

I'm sorry, Rose, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I have to say, Rose, I'm a little...
a little confused, a little disappointed.

Everything was going so well.

At least, I thought so, didn't you?

Well, is that the truth, or is that
some kind of female manipulation?

I wish... I wish you would
just tell me the truth.

You knew the agreement, you knew how I
felt. Did you think that would change?


I... I hoped that, even though
I initially made the offer,

that by now you would have seen
there was no need for it.

I'd hoped that we'd got beyond it.

Did you honestly think
this was the next step?

Geez, Rose, you have it all backwards.

You know, what we have usually comes
after all this nonsense is over.

Most never get to where we are
in regards to sharing and respect.

Instead they try to keep the sex going,

and when that fades, then...
then they're on to someone new.

That's why... that's why our relationship
works because it was never physical.

I took every precaution to make sure
there was no physical attraction!

Rose, Rose, I'm sorry.

Rose... it... it's just that...

I've never had this with
a woman before, the way

I can talk about everything
and share everything with you.

Are you... are you not satisfied with me?


Maybe... maybe... maybe this is
something that had to come up,

something we had to
struggle through together.

Maybe... maybe this lecture tour
is coming at a good time, maybe...

we could use some distance
from each other for a while.

Don't you think?

I thought we were good friends.

Talk to me, Rose.

Rose, c'mon, let me in, I'm... I'm sorry.


C'mon, open the door.

Would you open the door, please.
Come on, Rose.

What are you doing here?

I just came to sleep in my own bed,
is that okay?

What happened? Is it Gregory?

I don't want to say, "I told you so."

- Mom.
- What?

When I was a baby,
did you think I was pretty?

I don't know what you mean,
but all babies are pretty.

No... no, I mean ME.


You must have thought
SOMETHING about how I looked.

Oh, what's pretty, anyway?

What good did it do your sister?

Do you remember...
when I was a little girl?

You used to tell me to... push up my nose up
with my index finger, so it wouldn't droop.

- I did not! Are you drunk?
- No.

That's what you told me.
It's funny, too, because...

l never would have...
thought I... I wasn't pretty...

if it weren't for those things you SAID.

If you've come home to say more
cruel things to me, I'm going to bed.

- Mom.
- What?

- How did it feel?
- How did WHAT feel?

- Being beautiful?
- Oh, stop it!

No, I mean it.

How did it feel...

having people look at
you with... such admiration?

Looking at yourself in the mirror...
with... such appreciation?

How did that feel?

It was wonderful.

I bet.

- Hello.
- Hi, this is Gregory, is Rose there?

No, she's gone out, can I take a message?

No, Hannah, the point is, I've... I've been
giving you messages, and she hasn't called back.

- I... I... I want to say goodbye to my wife.
- I'll tell her.

Rose, I hated the
way we left each other.

I wanted to say goodbye to you
personally, not through your mother.

I don't like leaving this way,
but my... my... my plane is here.

I hope your mother
doesn't erase this... this message.

I... I... I don't know what else to say.

Rose, I hated the
way we left each other.

I wanted to say goodbye to you
personally, not through your mother.

You're up early.

I haven't been to bed.

- You haven't been to bed?
- No.

Why not?

- What's the matter?
- I had a lot to think about... after you left.

It's awful thing to do to a woman my age...
leave her alone with her thoughts.

You really love him, don't ya?

Well, you do, it's obvious.

I know.

Ya know, that... that feeling that...

you have for Gregory...

l don't think I ever felt that,
not even for your father.

It's not... not easy thing for me to say,
especially to you.

It's an awful thing
to look back on your life, and...

realize that you've settled.

The problem was that I...
I always felt l had more time.

I was... well, I mean now I...
inside, I... I feel... young.

Like a kid, that it's... just a beginning...
I have everything ahead of me.

But I don't.

So... I guess...
I AM jealous.

Ya know, parents... they don't have
a plan to... hurt their children.

I never wanted to hurt you.

Mom, it's... I'm not that hurt.

Do you know what I thought
when you were a baby?


That you looked JUST like your father,
and that Claire looked like me.

What's that?

She was so pretty, even then.
Look at those eyes, those lips.

That's not Claire, that's you.

Me? Uh-uh! I never saw this picture.

- I found it when I was re-arranging the closet.
- This was me?

I... I was pretty?

Your father adored you...
but you know that.

He never felt that way
about Claire... only you.

I don't think he ever HELD
a baby until you came.

And he never wanted to let you go.

- I'm glad you found this, Mom.
- Yeah, I am, too.

She was very pretty.

You were very pretty.

Remember that.

Thank you all very
much for this warm welcome.

It's truly an honor for me
to be here in your country.

Hello, Rose, I would love to speak with
you. I never seem to catch you at home.

I really think we should diss...
discuss this, Rose, and believe me,

I have no judgment over what happened,
well, I just think we should talk.

I'm leaving for Venice tomorrow
and I wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

I do have a... a present for you,
it's a... it's a week at a baseball camp.


Hello, Rose?

Rose, are you there?

- Henry, have you heard from her?
- She apparently cancelled her summer classes.

How do you know that?

I called her mother.

She said Rose took a couple of months off.

- Rose, here, try this one, it's a size eight.
- Oh, I like the black one and I need a size six.

Hello, Rose, it's very important, I have
to say, I'm very surprised, I can't believe

how childishly you're
behaving, it's so unlike you.

- How did she finally persuade YOU to come?
- It's a long story.

I'm changing my plans, I'm
coming home right after London,

I'm supposed to be in
New York next Monday.

My number here is:

All prime numbers, by the way.


Rose? You here?


Hi! Don't come in, I'll be right out.

May I have a glass, too, please?

Good to see you, Greg,
how was your trip?

Are you all right?

Oh, just a little dizzy, the
traveling doesn't agree with me.

You need a glass of water?

- Wha... what happened to you?
- Nothing, I just made a few changes.

- What did you do to your hair?
- I lightened it.

Your face...

You're wearing make-up.

Yeah, well, women do wear
makeup from time to time, Greg.

It's not like I had SURGERY or anything,
although my mother offered.

But... you never...

- Are you hungry?
- You never wore makeup.

I know, the... the "No Frills Girl", RIGHT?
Well, like I said, I made a few changes.

- And you lost weight, too?
- Well, thank you!

Now, these have no oil or
butter, trust me, it's delicious,

you just have to get used to it.

Among other things!
Wha... what've you done?

What've I done, I... I... I'm
wearing makeup, I lost a few pounds,

I didn't name names
before a Senate Committee.

Well... well, forgive me, but, you don't return
my calls, you completely cut me off, and then

I... I returned to find this... I'm...

- I... I'm...
- What?


- I guess you don't like it.
- Don't like it? I'm in shock.

I... I come home to find a completely
different woman in my apartment.

Why did you do it?

Wait a minute! Why do I have to
EXPLAIN this to you or ANYBODY.

- I'm not anybody, I'm your husband.
- You could've fooled me.

And I married a woman
who looked a certain way.

- To tell you the truth, I feel sort of betrayed.
- Betrayed! Oh! Please! Gregory, c'mon!

- You had no right.
- I had no RIGHT?

Why did you do this to me?

Do WHAT to you? I don't do
ANYTHING to you! That's the problem.

What's the difference what I LOOK
like? You never looked at me ANYHOW.

If physical appearance doesn't matter,
then what's wrong with THIS appearance?

I happen to like the way I look.

And I'm sorry if it upsets
your mathematical equation.

"Handsome, frightened man marries
unattractive, desperate woman."

- Is that how the ad read?
- No, no.

It's simply that I was
expecting someone ELSE.

I... I... I'm sorry, I don't know what to say,
I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

No you don't... you don't have
to get used to anything.

- Wha... what do you mean?
- Gregory, I don't want to continue.

I... I... I... I don't understand.

I... I really want to apologize.

I... settled for something
that I didn't want.

I thought I could live with that, I
thought that it would be enough, but...

I lied, I lied to myself, I lied to you.

To tell you the truth, I think your theories
about relationships are total bullshit.

I believe in love and
lust and sex and romance,

I don't want everything to add
up to some perfect equation.

I want mess and chaos, I want someone
to go crazy out of his brain for me.

I want to feel passion and
heat and sweat and madness!

I want Valentines and cupids
and all the rest of that crap!

I want it all, and I want to thank you.
I want to thank you, Greg, because

you FORCED me to look at things that I was
TOO lazy or too SCARED to look at.

I mean, can you imagine, all this time
I... I kept up this ridiculous fantasy that

- you, like Alex, would fall in love with me.
- Rose... Rose... no...

I know, I know, I know, I was wrong,
it was unfair of me to think you'd change.

- Rose... Rose... but I think...
- I know what you think, Greg, and just let me finish

- what I was going...
- Rose, Rose, I feel...

You feel very strongly about
your beliefs, I appreciate that, but...

I'm sorry that I broke our agreement, it was just
that I fell in love with you... stupid, right?

Rose... Rose... I feel... that...

I don't want you to feel bad.
Because I'm not in love with you anymore.


Which ironically makes me perfect for
this marriage, except now I don't want it.

Suddenly... dinner doesn't seem like
such a good idea, does it?

I should... I should go.

- Whe... whe... where are you going? Your mother's?
- Just until I find my own place.

I... I hope at some point we can pick up
where we left off, as friends.


I really do thank you, Greg, you're the first
man who wanted to marry me... for any reason.

Can I call you tomorrow?

What for?

You all have copies
of the syllabus, right?


There will be four short
papers on assigned text.

Be prepared to also discuss these in class.

Now, some of my students from last term can tell
you how important these oral discussions are...

in... what, what?!

Yes, I have breasts.

They CANNOT, however, be the
subject of one of your papers. Now...

Hey! A double play!

Of course I'll miss spending time
with her, but I feel proud that I...

I stood up for what I believe,
I still think I was right,

it could have worked.

Obviously not with her, but...
I think it was an invaluable experience.

- You're in bad shape, aren't you?
- Well, I just told you...

May I make a suggestion?

Put all your valuable possessions,
things you REALLY care about, in storage.


Trust me on this, you don't want anything
breakable in your apartment right now.

Henry, Henry, I just told you, I'm fine.

Really, I'm actually using
all of this in my next book.

Especially glass.

I miss him, Claire,
but I don't think he's ready for me.

I still can't get used to seeing you
like this, it's sort of unnerving.


Makes you just like the rest
of us now, doesn't it? You'll see.

Now you'll spend an extra
hour in front of the mirror,

every morning and every night,
as if it'll make any difference.

Now you'll be the one to
walk into a room and scan it

for who looks better
than you and who doesn't.

And as the years go by,
the numbers change...

until, one day, you walk into a room and
you're the last woman ANY man notices.

Rose? My God! Rose!

- Hi, Alex.
- I can't believe it's you.

My God!

Alex, get a fucking grip.

- You look incredible!
- Thank you.

- Doesn't she look incredible?
- Yes, we already covered that.

- Oh, yes!
- Can I have another drink.

- I thought you hated salad.
- I do.

I just can't eat a big cheeseburger
in the middle of the day anymore, ya know?

- Doesn't it bloat you?
- Bloat me?

- Yeah.
- No, it doesn't bloat me.

Actually, I thought it went really well with the
spareribs I had for breakfast this morning.

- What's the matter?
- I'm sorry.

I just thought we'd always be in the
same boat, ya know what I'm sayin'?

It made it easier somehow.

I know.

Tell you what.

I'll give you half my salad if you
give me half your burger.

- We'll need some more dressing.
- Definitely. Waiter!

We all WANT to be attractive,
but remember:

One of the first
things people notice...

the one thing that makes a lasting
impression... is... your smile.

If you're like most people,
your appearance is important to you.

We all spend so much time, energy AND
money in an effort to look our best.

We all WANT to be attractive.


Hello, Rose, it's Alex.

Oh! Hi, Alex.

How... how are you?

Oh, I'm okay, I'm... trying to
get on with my life, ya know.

Oh, good, good.

What's wrong with you? You don't...

Claire's gone.



Gone where?

I came home to surprise her during lunch
and I found her in bed with her masseur.

It's my own fault, really...
Claire hates surprises.

Alex, I'm... I'm really sorry.

No, no, I knew it was coming.
I don't know WHY she wasn't happy.

I... I... I don't know how I could
have loved her any more than I did.

I don't think it would've mattered
how much you loved her.

- Rose.
- Uh-huh.

Did you know that Claire
was jealous of you.

- What! Jealous of me?
- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yes..

She used to get so mad at me
every time I'd talk about you.

She thought I had a secret crush on you.

Maybe she was right.

- Do you want to have dinner with me?
- What?

Well, I'm asking you if you
want to have dinner with me.

I... I have to... I have to think about it.
I'll have to ask Claire.

- All right.
- Okay.

"D"! Congratulations! You're improving!

I still don't understand what
you're saying about twin primes.

- I'm explaining it to you!
- But I still don't understand.

Don't you know that it's possible to
remove an infinite number of

elements from an infinite set and still HAVE
an infinite number of elements left over?

We spent quite a bit of time on this already!
My... my wife understood this on our first date!

Class dismissed!

Get out of here! Go! Go!


Very enjoyable dinner.

- Did you cook it yourself?
- Yes, I did.

- What a liar.
- Yes, I am.


I was thinking... I only smoke
when I'm with you... wonder why.

I can't thank you enough...
for the other day... for tonight.

You're such an inspiration.
The way you've changed.

"Evolved", I guess, is a...
better word,

into this beautiful... smart...

very sexy...

I think l must have loved you all along...
I just... didn't know it.

What an idiot.

Ha... Hannah, this
is... this is ridiculous.

Gregory, I really can't talk now.

She can't not talk to me forever,
I... I've got...

Gregory, what are you doing?

There're certain things
I have to explain to her.

I think it's a little late for
that, Gregory, don't you think?


I said, "I think it's a
little late for that, Gregory".

No, I don't think so.

What Rose and I have goes
far beyond what normal people...

What's all that noise? What
are you trying to say, Gregory?

Gregory, what is going on?

Could you just...




Put her on the God damned
damn phone right now!

She's not here.


Look, I might as well tell you,
she's with Alex now.


She's with him tonight,
he and Claire split-up.

I'm sure you know how much
she's always cared for him.

So, like I said, I see no point
in your pursuing this any further.

I'm so sorry to have keep you waiting. So,
Mr. Jenkins, which one do you like best?

To be perfectly honest,
l think you're more beautiful now.

Good answer.

Wai... wai... wai... wai...
wait a minute, wait a minute.

What? What?
What's the matter?

What did you mean by, "You must have loved
me all along but just didn't know it."?

I don't...

Yeah, but, wait, wait, wait...
figure it out, 'cause I'd like an answer.

Well, I don't know, Rose, I
mean, you were different then,

you weren't the same as you are now.

So, how could you have LOVED me then?

Well, I loved you because of who you
were, not because I wanted who you are.

So now you want who I am
because I'm not who I was anymore?


Rose, what?
Where are you going?

You know something, I have dreamt about
this moment from the first day we met.

I've played it out a
million times in my mind...

how you'd look, what you'd
say, what you'd think.

- And guess what?
- What?

You were better in my head.

Oh, Rose! Sugar! Maybe I just
had too much to drink, that's all.

No! No! It's not you, it's me. You see,
I don't feel anything, isn't that great?

I never thought about what I would feel,
I was only thinking about YOU.

I only wanted to make YOU happy, I
never thought I was good enough for you.

Oh, but you are good enough
for me, Rose. You are! You are!

I know, I know, but Alex...

you're not good enough for me.


Oh! She's with Alex now, Henry.

- Oh, God.
- I can't believe it.

I don't know what it is,
my head or my stomach.

You need anything?
Drink this! C'mon! Lie down!

- I think I might have Chinese food poisoning.
- Here, give me your coat.

I ordered Szechwan chicken but they
brought beef, except I think it was a CAT.


- I'm so dizzy.
- Easy! Easy!

I was in... the apartment, all alone,
Henry. I... I didn't know what to do.

C'mon! Give me your shoe! That's it!

- I'm sorry, Henry.
- Okay, you'll just stay here then, c'mon, c'mon.

- Oh, Henry!
- Yeah, that's good!

- I love Rose.
- I know.

I... I love the OLD Rose,
the one with no makeup,

and baggy clothes, who
loves the perfect bite.

I love her, it's real.
It's not based on passion...

although I feel that.
Or lust...

although... I feel THAT.

Or... or even physical attraction,
because she wasn't...

although I... I thought she
was quite beautiful.

Her eyes, her mouth,

the way she held herself,
the way she made fun of herself.

She eats carrots now,
isn't that tragic?

What am I going to do?

Do you know that in the last two years
I've been with 11 different women?

Most of them half my age, not one
with a sense of humor I understood.

Now, I don't date these girls
because they're well read.

I gave one a copy of "A Farewell to
Arms", she thought it was a diet book.

- Can I help you?
- Yes, I want to see a Miss Morgan.

It's kind of late to be
visiting people, don't you think?

Please, just ring her apartment.

I don't believe Miss Morgan
would care to be disturbed at this hour.

- You don't believe?
- It's six o'clock in the morning...

- I believe...
- I don't CARE what you believe.

- I know her a lot better than you do.
- Go home, Pal!


- Rose!!!!
- Hey! Hey!

Do you hear that?

What the hell is going on?

It's him, isn't it?



Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Do you believe this?


Where are my shoes?

What does he think he's
doing out there at this hour?

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go and find out.

He's insane.

I know, isn't it wonderful?

Get the hell out of here!

Don't ya know people
are trying to sleep!

Yeah! Pipe down!

You had enough?

- Stop that! Hey, what are you doing?
- Don't worry Miss Morgan, I'll call the police.

Don't call the police,
this is my husband!

- He doesn't have a key?
- Don't ask.

See, I told you I know her better than you.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

What... what... what is going on?
What are you doing here?

Well, I... I came to see YOU.


- Why did you come to see me?
- Well... I...

In... in... in light of
our last conversation,

and after speaking with Henry, I...
I... I've come to realize... that...

alth... alth... alth...
although you might...

might have significant reservations
about e... e... even considering...

Gregory! What! I'm aging here.
What is it you want to say?

God, you're beautiful.

Thank you.
Thank you, Gregory.


I'm so sorry... for the way I acted
and for the things I said, I...

- I know that I hurt you, and...
- That's okay.

- And... and... and that's the...
- I understand.

Last thing in the whole world I...

I accept your apology.

Rose! Rose! Please let me finish,
this is important for me to say.


That night...
That... that terrible night... I...

I... I wanted you so much,
I couldn't see straight.

I have to make sure you know that.
Rose, it wasn't YOU.

No! It wasn't you, Rose.

You're a very... a very sexy girl.

And... and I know that it's unfair of
me to say, now you're with Alex, but...

Who said I... who said
that I am, I was with Alex?

Your mother.

My mother? Oh, great.

Oh, Greg! I'm not with Alex.

You're not?


Talk to me.

Rose... I love you.

And... I... I want to be married to you.

Gregory... you are married to me.

Right... that's right, that's right,
yeah, right.


- I'm getting a little dizzy.
- Oh, that's all right, it'll pass, just hold on to me.

Rose, don't ever leave me again.

I'm not leaving you... I love you.

I couldn't stand being away
from you, it was killing me.

Ah, I'm so glad.

I don't care if you ARE pretty,
I love you anyway.

Listen, everything's gonna drop as I get
older, and I'm gaining weight as we SPEAK.

Well, that's comforting.

- Get in, Lady.
- Oh, no, not you again!

- You know this guy?
- He's a good man.

I can't believe this,
your windows are still broke?

Complain to the cab company,
I got nothing to do with it.