The Merger (2018) - full transcript

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---
(birds chirping)

- Neil Barlow's Bodgy Creek
Documentary, take one.

My Granddad reckons that
if there was a Nobel Prize

for being a dickhead,

Troy Carrington would win it
every year.

Troy Carrington's AFL footy
career ended

when his leg got mangled

as he ran through the
banner on Grand Final day.

It got caught in the crepe
paper and looked gross.

Around here we call
him Town Killer

because of the greenie
protests he led



that shut down the
Bodgy Creek Timber Mill.

Troy has absolutely no friends.

This is his story.

- Oh, have I come in too early,
Neil?

- Dude, wha...

Troy, I told you.

I'm gonna use this at the
beginning of the documentary.

- Sorry, mate.
- You're too early, Jesus.

Troy Carrington, no mates,
mangled leg, dickhead.

- Bit full on.
- Troy!

("Come Back Again"
by Daddy Cool)

♪ I'm mopin' around
streets late at night ♪

♪ I'm worried because you
ain't treatin' me right ♪

(alpacas humming)



♪ Come back again, I'm just
crazy 'bout you, babe ♪

♪ I spoke to your mum
and I spoke to your dad ♪

♪ It sounds crazy, but
it made me feel sad ♪

♪ Come back again, I'm just
crazy 'bout you, babe ♪

♪ Feeling so sad,
so lonely too ♪

♪ You don't know how it is to
feel sad, lonely, and blue ♪

♪ Come back again, I'm just
crazy 'bout you, babe ♪

♪ Spoke to your dad and
I spoke to your mum ♪

♪ They said, go away,
boy, and leave us alone ♪

♪ Come back again, I'm just
crazy 'bout you, babe ♪

- [Warwick] Rrright.

It's Warwick Randall here on
Bodgy Creek Community Radio.

The community markets
are on today

at the Recreation Reserve.

However, the Men's Shed won't
be doing

their usual Wood Turning
Exhibition as Len Hutton's

second hip replacement
has been moved forward.

Hopefully they'll open him up

on the correct side this
time around.

- Town killer!

♪ I really don't know
what to do ♪

♪ Everything you say
just make me feel blue ♪

♪ Come back again, I'm just
crazy 'bout you, babe ♪

♪ I went to the dance
but I went all alone ♪

♪ I watched you dancin' and
then I followed you home ♪

♪ Come back again, I'm just
crazy 'bout you, babe ♪

- Excuse me, do you have
a stall holder's license?

- Ah, no, not yet.

Gretchen over there said
I'd be able to sort it out

on the day.

- Oh, well she's wrong.

You have to apply at
least 14 days in advance

for a stall holder's license.

- Well, I'm here now.

Can't I just...
- We're full!

(birds squawking)

(bottles clanking)

- It's Neil, isn't it?

I'm Troy.

- I know who you are.

Why are you at the markets?

I thought you were a hermit.

- Well, I'm mostly
self-sufficient out at my place.

I don't have to come into
town much.

- Like a hermit?

- Do you mind not filming me?

- Classic hermit.

I saw you at my dad's funeral
last year.

- That must have been
tough, mate.

I lost my mom when I was your
age, and...

- So hermits can go to
funerals and community markets.

Anything else?

- I'm not a hermit.

- Why did you want the timber
mill shut?

- I didn't.

- Granddad reckons you did.

- I just wanted sustainable
logging for old growth forests.

- He said it was a dog act

and that you pissed on
the memory of your dad

who used to work there.

He also says you're an
ungrateful bastard

'cause you never thanked him

for coaching you to
AFL standard.

- He has a lot of opinions,
your granddad.

- Did you really break
your leg in nine places?

- Give or take.
- Can I see your scars?

Roll your jeans up.

- Nah, mate, I'd prefer not.

- Oh, I can make a doco
about you.

- Come on, Neil, we gotta go.

- Hang on, Mum.

Troy Carrington just asked me

to make a documentary about him

and we're workin' out fees.
- I didn't agree to...

Hi, Angie, Troy.

- Hi, I know, hi.

- I thought you knew my
mum and dad.

- We never properly met.

- Then how come you came
to my dad's funeral?

- Uh, I was paying my respects.

- A hermit going to a stranger's
funeral is just weird.

- Neil!

Sorry, Troy, I...

Thank you for coming.

I didn't get to say it on
the day,

but I did appreciate
the gesture.

- It's fine.

Sorry, again.

- Private wine tastings?

You're really shit at being
a hermit.

- [Angie] Neil!

- Oh.

Semillon Shiraz.

- Gee, that's niche.

- I've got a chardonnay
frontignac blend

with a squirt of comquat juice
if you prefer your whites.

- Yeah, we, we'd better
scoot actually, Troy.

We've got a footy club
meeting at the Tin Shed.

- Nana said it was an
extraordinary meeting.

What's that?

- Extraordinary meetings
are meetings

that get called to discuss
the fact that they probably

should have called the meeting
a fair bit earlier. (laughs)

- Should be the
dictionary definition.

- Come on.

- He's nice for a hermit.

(crowd shouting)

- You can't just force
us into a merger, Geoff!

- What's a merger?

- Oh, it's when one shit team
joins up

with another shit team to make
a slightly less shit team.

- [Neil] Oh, okay.

- Neville, your club has got
no money,

no players, and no coach.

Your club president didn't
even bother to show up.

- Granddad's in hospital!

- Look, we may have been
able to overlook some issues

but we can't overlook this.

This report arrived on my
desk fellas, and I had to act.

Your club rooms have been found
to be riddled with asbestos.

- What?
- That's really bad.

- Does that mean they'll
be heritage listed?

- No, it means your club
rooms have to come down.

(crowd moaning)

- No!
- That's just bullshit!

- I told Bull this at our
meeting a couple of weeks ago.

- Did Bull tell you about this?

- Is it friable or
non-friable asbestos?

No, it makes a difference if
the particles

are airborne or not,
because if they're air...

- Regardless, you as
a club need to decide:

merge of fold.

(crowd shouting)

- Excuse me!

Can you guys wind this up?

We have the hall booked
from 2:00 pm.

- Why didn't you tell us the
club rooms

were getting knocked down?

- 'Cause it'll never happen.

I'll chain myself to
the rooms if I have to.

- Like the greenies.

- No, not like the
bloody greenies.

- Get into bed, love.

The doctor said you should
avoid getting stressed.

- What's a prostate, Granddad?

- It's a gland up your pooper.

- Granddad's gonna be
fine, Neily.

It's just exploratory
keyhole surgery.

- Why are you having
exploratory keyhole surgery?

- I lost my keys.

So have you found a coach yet?

- Uh, no, but Pig Dog
McBride's outta prison.

- Next option?

- Ron Wills?

- Beryl says his tinnitus
is getting worse.

- What's tinnitus?

- That's a hearing
disease that men develop

when they marry people
like Beryl.

- (laughing) Oh, she's not
that bad.

- Sorry, love, what was that?

What was that?
- Put that thing out!

- You're the one who told
me I couldn't go outside

in this ensemble.

- Why don't you ask Troy
Carrington to coach?

- Any ex-players on your list
who aren't traitors, Nev?

- Oh, ease up, Bull.

He was best man at my wedding.

- Listen, the coach has
gotta love the club.

I captained-coached two flags,

and one of 'em was with
concussion and a...

- [All] Floating bone in
my knee.

- Ugh.

- Troy will bring in
new players.

He'll attract sponsors.

- What is it with you wanting
to give

all the local jobs away
to outsiders?

I mean, it's bad enough
that you,

that you're tryin' to give work
to refos ahead of your own.

- Don't start that again.

- What makes you think
that Troy is an outsider?

- He only goes to funerals,
community markets,

and field day.

- Come here when he was
10, left when he was 23.

Not a local.

- So according to the Bull
Barlow Index,

I am also not a local.

- Correct.

Speaking of outsiders, you
didn't bring an ashtray,

did you, Doc?

- Mr. Barlow, I'm gonna have to
ask you

to put that out.

- Ooh.

Mm.

- Bull!

- They're gonna have to empty
it anyway.

- Mr. Barlow, I'm gonna have to
give you

a full rectal examination.

(Bull groans)

Have you had trouble
passing stools recently?

- [Bull] I don't know.

Have you had your
fingernails cut recently?

(engines humming)

- Heads!

Interview one for Troy
Carrington documentary.

- Mate, I didn't agree to this.

- Where were you born?
- (sighs) Gullamunka Inlet.

- Why did you move to
Bodgy Creek?

- When my mum died I
came to live with my dad.

- Which do you prefer?
- Gullamunka Inlet.

- Why don't you live there then?

- My dad left me his house in
his will.

- Can you kick a goal from here?

- Not anymore.

(Neil sighs)

- Krystal from school
reckons they knocked down

the club rooms because it
gave Granddad bum cancer.

- Interesting theory.

- But Mum says he doesn't have
bum cancer.

It's just a dodgy prostate.

- I'd listen to your mum.

- She also said you're a
softcock

'cause you won't coach
the Roosters.

- Maybe only listen to
her sometimes.

(soft music)

- [Troy's Mum] Super Troy
leapt off

his giant jet football and
got cracking.

He lined up the foot and
delivered a perfect drop punt

and knocked the chainsaw clean
out of the logger's hands.

"Thanks for saving our
habitat," said Sharon,

the President of the
Koala Union.

All the trees and
creatures cheered

as Super Troy flew off
to his secret hideout.

(knocking)

(Snapper screaming)
(clattering)

- What's the chemical
makeup of alpaca saliva?

- It stings a bit, eh?
- Yeah.

- Sorry about that.

- Yeah, Carlos is usually
the one you have to watch.

- Might have to get a
muzzle for Brigita now too.

- Riesling Port.

Is that actually a thing?

- Yeah, the German priests
used to live on it apparently.

The fortified wines keep
better in the tropics.

Now everything is grown here
on the Machu Pichu Estate.

Unfortunately the
generator's running

a little bit low on methane,

so the whites might be
a bit on the warm side.

And I wouldn't touch the
Nectarine Prosecco until the end.

The pulp sticks to your palette.

Got a thirst up, Angie.

- Troy, will you coach the
Roosters?

Yeah, thought so.

See, Neville, it wasn't
that hard.

- Have a wine tasting, he says.

Help a mate out with
his business, he says.

- Well no, yeah, even if
it's just for the season

to get us back on our feet.

- How do you respond
to emotional blackmail?

- Give it your best shot.

- Snapper, Goober, sad faces.

- Not bad.

Rubbish.

Actually quite compelling.

But I think you might
be overstating

my local popularity, Angie.

- [Goober] Oh, geez.

- Die tree shagger.

Is this written in blood?

- Ah, traytor with a Y.

Uses the wrong your.

Eh, double E,
compleet fockwheat.

- I appreciate the offer, Angie,

but as you can tell by my
correspondence,

I'm not really a viable
coaching option.

Highly unlikely to live out
the season.

- Could be food coloring.

- I'm guessing Bull
doesn't know you're here.

- Not if this is anything to
go by.

- Neilo, go long, go
long, go long, go long.

Sorry about that, mate.
- That's okay.

- Thought they'd pulped the
rest of those.

- This is you.

I cannot believe.

- Sayyid, this is Troy.

- Yes, Rooster boy, I
know who this man is.

I read this book in
detention center.

- Really?
- Yes.

I want to read again.

You were number 29, rookie draft
pick 72,

nickname Custard Guts.

- Ah, it never really stuck.

- Not like Town Killer.

- I like this book best.

Players, they talk about
drinking and fighting.

You talk about trees and
hippie mother.

- Do you only read
AFL biographies?

- In Nauru there are
no books, no internets,

so I ask the guard, can I
have book?

He says, "No books!"

I ask different guard,
he says, "No books."

Then one day I go to
recreation room.

Is bad name for this room,
there is nothing to do.

But different guard come in
reading book in front of me.

"Oh, look at me, I have book."

But when he go, he leave book
on chair.

I think this is trick,
but he not come back.

And from then he leave many
books, but always AFL books.

Can I see your scars?

- Won't let ya.

He's weird about 'em.

- Can we kick football?

- Looks like you've done
more than read about footy.

- Yes, I play some days for
detention center guard team.

They a very bad team,
but Sayyid make better.

(upbeat music)

- [Warwick] Rrright.

It's time for this week in
Bodgy Creek.

Now Angie Barlow has just rung

and apparently no one's
turned up

for the working bee at the
refugee center.

If you're looking for it,

it's just at the old fish and
chip shop.

And just quietly, I reckon
it'd still be in business

if Spiro wasn't so tight
with his minimum chips.

- Bugger, I forgot the vol
Au vents.

- I think we'll be fine, Fran.

- They'll come, love.

(banging)

Oh! (sighs)

- Hey Porterhouse.

- [Men] Well done.

- It's Lychees.

- So that's wrong then?

- I know you blokes have
probably just forgotten,

but the working bee at the
refugee center

started about an hour ago

and at this stage, Fran has
significantly over catered.

- I didn't forget.

- That's because I
specifically didn't invite you,

Carpet Burn, because I
knew you'd be too busy

playing with yourself.
- Ouch.

- I'm sorry, Angie, I got
carried away doing this.

I lost track of time.

- And I,

am not good at making
up excuses on the spot.

Let's go, Snaps.

- Yous are actually
goin' to the refo Reno?

- Shut up, Carpet.

- Why have the refos come to
this shit hole for anyway, huh?

- Because this shithole was
chosen as a regional base

to resettle highly skilled
refugees.

Any luck with Pig Dog?

- Nah, he's keen but he's
gotta see

his parole officer
every Saturday

so he can't coach away games.

- Any chance Troy might change
his mind?

- Troy?

You're not seriously gonna
ask the Town Killer are ya?

(laughing)

Wha...

Oh!

- Oops.

- (gasps) Umm ahh!

- Snapper, Goober.

- You owe me two bucks.

(mellow music)

- [Neil] Interview two
with Troy Carrington.

- What are you doing here?
- I just told you.

- How'd you know where I lived?

- Everyone knows where you live.

- Mate, you can't just drop in
like this.

- Question one, if your mum
was an environmentalist,

how come she married a
timber worker?

- They never married.

It was a summer fling.

- So you're a bastard then.

- Does your mum know
you're here?

- Oh bum, I forgot!

She's gonna be talking on
the radio.

- What about?

- The refos, ugees.

- [Warwick] Our guest here
today is Angie Barlow.

Welcome, Angie.

Now, uh, what was your
university field of study?

- Arts, law.

But I didn't finish.

I got a graduate diploma
in having

an unplanned kid instead.
(laughing)

- That's me.

- [Warwick] Now there
are critics out there

who think the refugee center
shouldn't be there at all.

What do say to them?

- Warwick, we're just,

we're just trying to help
people in need.

When I lost my husband, Brett,

I had people rallying to me.

I had complete strangers
dropping meals off

on my doorstep because
that's what communities do.

They help one another.

And we need to see the
world as a community.

I mean, there's no point
just sitting around

feeling sorry for yourself,

not when there's people out
there that might need you.

- She's got a fair head on
her shoulders, your mum.

- [Warwick] Speaking of
sorry causes,

any news on a new Roosters
coach?

There's a rumor going around

that Troy Carrington might be in
the mix.

- That's you.

- Yeah, well, we did talk to
him, but,

I don't know, it's pretty hard
to hear

when you got your head
shoved halfway up your a...

- [Warwick] Rrright, well,
we might go to another song.

Here's Big Jim Carswell's Pig
Skin Rodeo.

(lively music)

- Vanilla slice.

Also, a snot block, yes?

- Yep.

- Lamington, yes?
- Yep.

- New Zealand cake but
Australia steal

and say Australia cake.

- Nah, they're Australian.

- Like Russell Crowe.

- You know your cakes.

Ah, Troy, I'm making
Sayyid's English gooder.

Check this out.

What's that one?

- Neenish tart.

- And that?
- Bee sting.

- This should be the
Australian citizenship test.

(engine humming)

- Crap company you're
keeping, Neil.

- Who's this bloke?

- Carpet Burn.

Good footballer, massive tool.

- Hey, I wouldn't stand
that close to the refo.

Nah, he's probably got a
bomb strapped to his body.

- Keep your ignorant,
racist comments

to yourself, mate.

- Oh, I don't take
advice from town killers

who hang around with Isis.

Oh! (laughing)

Come on, mate, come on!

- Fair tank on him.

- Play him in the midfield,
you reckon?

- I would, if I was coach.

(easygoing music)

(fire crackling)

- Yeah, okay, okay,
okay, let's just settle.

Look, look, I'm sorry Bull,

but if you had given us
the heads up

on the club rooms, we
wouldn't be in this position.

- Oh, bullshit.

They can knock down our rooms,

they can't stop us playing.

(crowd murmuring)

My son was the last decent
coach this team had.

He's gone now, but I'll
tell you this for nothing.

This club will not be merged
or disbanded

while I still breathe.

- Then what's your plan, Bull?

- I told you.

See, the community will
get behind

our various fundraising events.

- Yes, some of the world's
most fragile economies

have been turned around
by a meat tray raffle.

- Do you mind if I put
in my two bobs worth?

- Town Killer! (coughing)

- Neville, tell your
shithouse best mate

it's financial members only.

- He paid up this morning, Bull.

- I don't care, get him out
of here.

- Well, look, you made the
rules, okay.

He's paid up.

He has every right to stay.

- Goober, Snapper, do you
mind handing these out?

Now I focused on the
club's micro problems.

Your micro problems are
no money, no club rooms,

not enough players, threat
of expulsion.

Macro problem bein'
you're rooted.

- Did you put him up to this?

- No.

- Now, I focused on one
specific micro problem,

the club rooms.

And according to the Asbestos
Act of 2012,

all buildings built prior
to 1996 are eligible

for rebuilding grants, and
I've checked and you are.

And Angie, I hope you don't mind

but I've done a little bit
of homework

and I've found that you can
get triple

maybe even quadruple
your funding

by accessing grants for employing
refugees for the rebuild.

(crowd murmuring)

- What good are club rooms
if we don't have a team?

- Have a think about it, mate.

If those blokes can swing
a hammer,

I reckon they can kick a footy,
yeah?

And, we'll turn the club
rooms into a community hub

that everyone can use.

- This is really good.

- You've got a bloody
hide coming in here, Troy.

He shuts down our mill,

and now he wants to give
jobs away

to refos who haven't
been here two minutes!

- And you'll coach?

- Oh, he bloody well won't.

- If the offer still stands,
Angie.

- Let's vote on it.

- That's a committee decision.

- Well no, hang on.

Let's just canvas and see
the level of interest, okay?

All those in favor of Troy's
rescue plan?

The yes has it.

- Have you, you done
lost your bloody minds?

This bloke hasn't darkened
the doorstep

of our club since he left
the place.

- He's offering us a viable
means of survival, Bull.

- Oh, is he?

All right then, it's him or me.

Take your pick.

- The club and the town
that you used to know

don't exist anymore.

They're long gone.

This, this is brilliant
for everyone.

- Him or me.

Take a vote.

- Oh, come on Bull, we can't
vote on...

- [Bull] Vote, vote.

- Jesus, all right, okay.

All those in favor of Bull.

- [Crowd Members] Bull.

- And Troy?

- [Crowd Members] Troy!

- Fine.

- Come on, mate.
- No, Grandpa.

- [Neville] Bull.

(crowd murmuring)

- Are you guys nearly done?

We've got this place booked
from six,

and it takes us a while to
set up our siege engine.

(upbeat guitar music)

- Interview four for Troy
Carrington documentary.

How do you respond to claims
from Krystal

from Bodgy Creek Primary
School that you're a flog?

- I don't really know what a
flog is,

but it doesn't sound good.

- I think it's worse than
a wanker

but not as bad as a dickhead.

- Good to know.

- Are you only coaching 'cause
Mum publicly humiliated you

to the whole world?

- I think you're overstating
the reach

of the Bodgy Creek
Community Radio Station,

but yeah, she was right
about the proximity

of my head in relation to
my ass.

The refugees need our
help and we need theirs.

It's a win-win.

(singing in foreign language)

Oh, gidday, mate.

I'm Troy Carrington, this
is Neil.

We're from the local footy club.

We're just wondering
if you'd be interested

in coming to training.

Sorry, mate, how's your English?

- English okay.

Australian not so good.

This is a football, yes?
- Yeah.

- I know this game.

- Is that a yes or a no?

- I am very unfamiliar with
this game.

- Well, with a handball you just
hold it

in the palm of your hand

and then you just punch
it below the point.

- Thank you!

- Good hands.

- I like Troyism chapter best.

The pathway to enlightenment
is down the guts!

Oh, and my favorite, keep doing
it until

you are not shit.
- You are not shit.

(laughing)

- Signed copy of Crepe Career

go straight into Sayid's office.

- So you'll play?

- Yes, I will play.

Your team needs Sayyid
or they will be bad team.

- Is that your family?

- No, this was already
on wall when I come here.

Of course this is my family!

What do you think, Sayyid
creepy man

put photo of strangers on walls?

- How long since you've
seen them?

- For now, six years.

Took three years before
Australian government

say yes, you are real refugee
from Syrian Civil War.

They are stupid people.

But then, because No
Advantage Policy,

I must wait the same
time to bring my family.

Three more years.

They come here soon.

This is wife, Fazela, and
daughter, Sima.

She was only four when I see
her last.

- She's hot.

- When they come here soon, if
Rooster boy

touches my daughter, I maybe
kick him in tiny balls.

- Ease up, Sayyid, I'm only 10.

- This is Mother.

- And your father?

- He was killed in civil war.

- Sorry, mate.

- [Neil] Who's the little guy?

- This is brother, Ammad.

When civil war begin we live
in Alleppo

but rebels move into our suburb.

We are not rebels but
Assad government troops

try to arrest us, so we
must escape.

I take Fazela and Sima to
refugee camp in Turkey.

Mother would not leave.

Then Ammad and Sayyid
try to come to Australia

where uncle he live.

Then we hope to bring
all family here, safe.

After very long time we
get to Christmas Island

together on boat, then
to Nauru, hot shit place.

And then one day Australian
government man come and say,

you are economic refugee,
not real refugee.

You go home.

Our home is gone, bombed.

So I say no, but Ammad, he
feel bad

about leaving mother alone so he
go home,

like a baby mummy boy.

I joke.

I love my brother.

- Well, I was thinking I
could open

a traditional Bharatanyatyam
dance school,

if there isn't already one in
Bodgy Creek.

- Right.

- I'm joking, Ms. Angie!

(laughing)

- It looks like we've got
a new project manager.

- Really?

That's handy.

- Um, and a Bharatanyatyam
dancer.

- Could be handy.

- Suresh, Navina, this is
Troy Carrington,

the new coach of our footy club.

And this is my son, Neil.

- So you're a civil engineer?

- Kandi University with honors.

My Sinhalese husband was a
sought-after project manager

until he made the
questionable career choice

of marrying a Tamil.

- Hey, best decision I
ever made.

- Well, since you're here,

might as well play for the
footy team.

- Footy?

- It's a sport.

- Ooh, sport is not really
my strength.

- He's being modest.

Suresh was a Roman
Greco Wrestling champion

at our university.

- Oh well, there's not many
Roman Grecos around here,

but we could use a
tackling coach.

I'll see you at training
tomorrow night.

- Tackling's fun.

- [Troy] Yep, that's it.

Yeah.

- How's it going?

- Not great.

School Shoes has already done
a hammy.

- [Troy] Nice work, Didier.

- Granddad was right.

You can bugger up a team that
hasn't won in three years.

(whistle blowing)

Some of 'em are making Snapper
look good.

(screaming)

(whistle blowing)

- Nah, mate, you can't do
that either.

- Snaps!

- Woo!

Carpet, oh, burns him!

Burns him!

Ooh ho ho ho!

He's off into the...

Oh!

Ease up, Sultana.

- My name is Sayyid,
not small dried fruit.

- All right, everyone in!

Come on.

Now boys, the match practice
has given me

a fair idea of where you're at
individually and as a group.

Harpo, mate, you're the
size of a small town.

Don't be afraid to use your bulk

in the ruck contest, all right?

Those sketches aren't bad.

You got a big of the
Flemish master's influence

in your portraiture.

- Yeah, cheers.

It's part of a triptych.

Wanna to see the others?

- Uh, maybe a bit later, eh?

Tou, when you go over the
boundary, you're out of play.

If you go over the fence,
you're a spectator, all right?

So it's a general rule, try
and keep inside both of those.

- Yes, Mr. Troy.

- Porterhouse.

- [Team] Well done.

- You gotta a pair of
boots, mate?

'Cause you're havin' trouble
keepin' your feet in those.

- Sorry, I got a shift at
the pub after training.

- It's been lovely having you
here, Stan.

We might get you back to
the nursing home now, yeah?

- Oh, I'll take him.

(phone ringing)

- Eh, it's from my mother
in Syria.

- Yeah, yeah, not a
problem, mate.

- Where's Syria?

- Ah, do you know where
Turkey is?

- Nah.

- Do you know where Iraq is?

- Nah.

- It's between them.

- Righto, let's finish off

with the mime handball
drill we did earlier.

Now remember to visualize
and commit

to the dramatic conceit.

Goober, take 'em out.

All right boys, go.

- Come on, boys, let's go!
- Okay, this is happenin'.

- Port, Port, Port!

(men shouting simultaneously)

- Good hands, Snapper!

- Nice work, nice work.
- Yeah, that's it, that's it.

- I think I'm better at
mime footy.

- No argument from me.

- This is bullshit.

Troy's a nut job.

- I'll get it!

- Decent roost there, Carpets.

- [Warwick] It's time for
this week in Bodgy Creek.

Right wing conservative
bush poet, Bruce Nation,

will be at the Bodgy Creek
Bowls Club on Saturday night

where he'll be launching his
new book,

Teeny Weenie Poofter Greenie, so
be sure...

- Where the bloody hell are
you goin'?

- Bataratamy dancing
with Navina.

- Sorry I asked.

- What do you think?

It's just a bit of harmless fun.

- Oh, is it?

Look at ya.

That lot are trying to
change the way we live.

(keys jangling)

- Sorry we're early.

This one couldn't wait.

- What'd you think?

- I liked the one where
Troy sticks footies

on the harpoons to stop
the Japanese

from researching any more whales
to death.

- Yeah, me too.

- Enough small talk.

Let's get this joint
interview happening.

I need you guys in a two shot.

Interview number seven with
new Rooster's president

and coach, Angie Barlow
and Troy Carrington.

Angie Barlow, how do
you respond to comments

from former president Grandad

that you wouldn't know
how to run a footy club

if it bit you on the ass?

- That doesn't even make sense.

- And Troy, how do you
respond to Grandad's claims

that after your footy
career you did stuff all

until you started buggering
up this town for a living?

- Stuff all's a bit harsh.

But yeah, things were a
bit slow.

After I got my insurance payout,

I set up a Eco-consultancy
business for footy clubs,

but Carbon Footy Print
never really panned out.

- You did not call it that.

- I did.

(laughing)

- And then I got a job

workin' at a mate's
biodynamic winery.

Biodynamics is all about
the interrelationship

between soil, livestock...

- Uh, can I play with
the alpacas?

- Yeah, sure.

- They get agro.

- I know, that's why
I wanna play with 'em.

- Keep away from the white one.

Brigita's had a bad week.

(alpacas humming

- Uh, I should show you this.

There.

(Troy laughs)

- Super Troy lives on.
- Mm-hm.

- [Troy] Albeit with a
spectacular mullet.

- (laughs) He drew it
from your old footy cards.

I kinda like you with a mullet.
(laughing)

- Yeah, my first thought was,

and she's been gone for
36 years,

but I wanted to show Mum.

- She sounds so lovely.

Um, thank you.

Thank you for doing this
doco thing with him.

- Oh, it's no drama.

- No, it's kind.

He got the camera and the
Rooster's onsie

off Brett the Christmas
before he died.

He doesn't talk about him much

but he's obsessed with
that camera

and he won't wear anything else.

His filming gives him a kind
of focus.

(alpacas humming)

- Mate, do you wanna put
that back in the shed for me?

(Neil groans)

- And your email address as
well, Glenda,

so we can send any details
of protests.

- Is there a limit on how
many times I can sign this?

(laughing)

- Cheeky.

- I mean, honestly.

I had a refugee apply for
a market stall last week.

Could barely read a word of it.

I mean, if you wanna live in
this country,

learn the language.

Is that too much to arks?

- [Bull] In total agreement,
Glenda.

- Do you have to do that
right here?

- Free county.

They even let back-stabbing
daughters-in-law

run footy clubs around here.

- Well, would you do your
back-stabbing

daughter-in-law a favor
and take your grandson

to swimming lessons please?

- Can't he swim yet?

He's been going there
half his bloody life.

Yeah, yeah, no worries.

- Thank you.

- You beauty!

Hello there, welcome to
Bodgy Creek.

(upbeat music)

- [Troy] So, minaret on
top of the scoreboard.

What about the prayer room?

- I think the prayer room
should go on this side.

- Why's that?

- Because it will be
closer to the scoreboard

where the minaret for
call to prayer will be.

- Makes sense.

What about the bar?

- You spend long time in
bouncy house.

Sayyid enter now.

(kids screaming)

- Ah, everyone, can I get
your attention thanks?

Now we've organized a
bit of a Rooster Kringle.

This is a club tradition that
dates back to, when, Angie?

- Oh, late last week.

- And still going strong.

Each of the current players

have to pick a name outta
the hat

and organize a welcome
gift for the new fellas.

Let's start with Goober.

(applauding)

- Uh, this is for Tou Pou.
- Nice one, Goobs.

Tou, if that thing was any
more Australian

it wouldn't know the
words to the second verse

of the National Anthem.

- No, no, no, no, mate.

It's a totem tennis.

Like that.

- I understand.

- Whoa!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- I'll show you later.

- Ah, Porterhouse.

- [Team] Well done.

- You had Didier.

(goat bleating)

- [Man] Aww.

- I read on the internet
you guys

like goats or somethin'.

- Uh, thank you.

- Troy, I wasn't here when
you read out the names,

so I just made everyone some
Bodgy Creek Stump Snow Dones.

- Thank you.

- It's okay.

Here you go.
- Thank you.

- Here you go, Didier.

- What is fluid compound?

Glycol?

- Yeah, how'd you know that?

- I was a chemist in Burindi.

- Ah, did you come from
Burindi to get a better job?

- No, because the police
shot at my brother and I.

They thought we were rebels.

- So not for work then?

- No.

- Harpo, you had Suresh.

- It's an esky fountain.

It's art.

(fountain humming)

- Ooh.
- Ahh!

(applauding)

- My turn.

Ahh.

Okay, I had Sayyid.

Here you go, pal.

(laughing) Anyone want
a beer while I'm up?

Eh?

- Thank you.

(upbeat music)

- [Warwick] Good luck to
the Roosters

who are taking on the
Hudson's Flat Cougars today

in the first match of
the season.

Haven't had this much trouble
getting my head around names

since Marjorie came home
with an IKEA catalog.

I reckon they'd be just about
getting ready as we speak

in the Rooster's new look
club rooms slash tent.

And well done to Gretchen
for providing

that temporary arrangement.

- Next!

- [Neville] Harps.

Sorry, Snapper.

- Looking good, Stan.

- (laughing) This is a first.

We've run out of jumpers.

- Granddad's not happy
you're movin' in next door.

- He not like refugees?

- Hates 'em.

Even more than vegans, but
not as much as greenies.

- Tell Mr. Granddad,
Sayyid need bigger house

for family he has not seen
in six years

so he must keep being not happy.

(muffled shouting)

- [Protestors] Local jobs
for locals!

No jobs for refos!

Local jobs for locals!

No jobs for refos!

- You were right, Snapper,

my mum does have
impeccable handwriting.

- Come on, boys, back inside.

Come on, come on, come on!

Grab a possie, fellas.

Don't worry about all of that.

- What happen if they
get violent?

- You'll be all right, mate.

- I didn't expect this
to happen.

- They're just blowin' out
hot air, boys, all right?

There's just some people
out there

who don't like what we're
doin' here.

- What are we doing here?

- We're rebuildin' the
footy club.

- (laughing) This isn't a
club, it's a joke, mate.

- Then why are you wearing this?

'Cause you wanna play.

And the only way that's
gonna happen

is if you embrace these
blokes as your teammates.

- Footy shouldn't be this hard.

- Mate, this isn't hard.

What's the hardest thing
you've ever had to do?

- Probably year 11.

- What about you, Suresh?

- It is difficult to narrow
it down

due to the cataclysmic
events of the civil war,

but as a life challenge
it is hard to surpass

the constant stream of death
threats from both sides

after I became betrothed
to Navina.

- Oh, that kinda hard.

No, I had some guinea pigs that
died, but nothin' like that.

Sorry, Suresh.

What's the hardest thing you've
had to do?

- Stop feelin' sorry for myself.

It's pretty hard to do with
your head stuck up your ass.

I thought the world owed
me something.

It didn't.

I crawled out from under my log

and I found you blokes,
and here we bloody are.

- Yeah!
- Yes.

- We're gonna play against
two oppositions today.

The first one you're gonna
beat when you run out there.

- [Team] Yeah!

- And you can break the
second one

after the balls bounce!

- [Team] Yes!

- So Goober, bloody lead 'em
out there

and smile at your mum as you
run past.

(cheering)

- [Protestors] Local jobs
for locals.

No jobs for refos.

(cheering)

- Hey, Mum.

Can I bring the boys
over for dinner tonight?

- Fat chance!

- No jobs for refos
- On the run, boys!

- [Protestors] Local jobs
for locals.

No jobs for refos.

Local jobs for

("I'm Gonna Play On The
Wing For Jesus")

(shouting)

♪ I'm gonna play on the wing for
Jesus ♪

♪ I'm gonna play on the
wing for Jesus ♪

(whistle blowing)

♪ I'm gonna kick
the devil's hide ♪

♪ Out on the member's side ♪

♪ Gonna play on the
wing for Jesus ♪

- Come on, Tou, Tou, Tou, Tou!

Get rid of it!

Tou, Tou, Tou, Tou!

(whistle blowing)

Where are you off to?

♪ Out on the member's side ♪

♪ Play on the wing with
fire and brimstone ♪

♪ Play on the ring for Jesus ♪

(whistle blowing)

(thudding)

- (groaning) Let me go!

(whistle blowing)

- Trip!

Hudson Flat, free kick.

- Why is this a free kick?

- Because you can't do whatever
that is.

- We didn't travel
halfway across the world

to face this persecution!

- Play on!

♪ Gonna kick the devil's hide ♪

♪ Out on the member's side ♪

♪ Gonna play on the wing for
Jesus ♪

(whistle blowing)

- Holding the ball.

- Sayyid.

Oh, here, Sayyid, Sayyid!

Sayy, Sayy...

(whistle blowing)
(cheering)

- Don't even think about it.

♪ Play on the wing for Jesus ♪

- Well done, well done,
good work.

Nice effort, boys.

- All right, boys.
- Good work.

- As the Yogini Tantra
once said,

a big loss is part of
the journey.

It's a shit part of the journey
but it's a part nonetheless.

Now I want you to get into a
tight circle.

We're gonna sing the team song,

keep our team spirit.

- The best way to keep up
team spirits

is to not lose by one
million points.

I do not know the words to
this song.

- Oh, it's all right, mate.

None of us know the words to
this song.

We haven't sang it in
three years.

- Why don't you just sing a
different song when you lose?

- All right.

Uh...

♪ I love to have a
beer with Sayyid ♪

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

I do not drink.

- All right, different
drink then.

♪ I love to have a cordial
with Sayyid ♪

- Yes!

♪ I love to have a cordial
with Sayyid ♪

- Better.

♪ We drink in moderation ♪

♪ Bullshit ♪

♪ We never, ever, ever get
rolling drunk ♪

♪ We drink at Neville's
Bottom Pub ♪

♪ Where the food tastes just
like shit ♪

- Sorry.

♪ I love to have a cordial
with Sayyid ♪

♪ 'Cause Sayyid's me mate ♪

(cheering)
(laughing)

- Hey.

Keep doing it until...

- [Team] You are not shit!

- [Sayyid] Yes!

- As far as protests go, it
wasn't so bad.

- That was not a protest.

Unless you got someone
chained to infrastructure

or a tree, a couple of arrests

and someone wielding a banjo,
you're kidding yourself.

- Do you think Bull will change
his mind?

- The only way to change
their minds

is to prove 'em wrong.

- How was losing by 131
points proving them wrong?

- They showed some good signs.

- No, apart from Sayyid
they were shithouse.

- Have you thought about
being a motivational speaker?

- I talked myself out of it.

Now Troy, I applaud
your imagination, mate,

but if we can win a game
with this rabble,

I'll get an ISIS tatt
on my calf.

- He'll do it, too.

He got a tramp stamp
after wrongly guessing

the color of a clinker.

- What's all this, Snaps?

- Um, I'm trying to make an
organic nail polish remover

using lemon juice as the base.

- Any luck?

- Umm, not yet.

- So what's your process?

- Uh, first I find out all the
things

that lemon juice can do,

like making lettuce
crisp, hair highlights,

removing warts apparently.

- Improve the taste of
Mexican beer.

- Yep, and then I combine it

with all the other elements
and see

if it can do stuff you
wouldn't expect.

- Take 'em home and read
'em, fellas.

The more you know about
each other,

the less you don't know.

Now we're going to have
the first of our shed talks

on Wednesday night with Harpo

taking us through the
highlights of Tou's life.

- So Dids, the bullet came
out there?

How'd that feel?

- I nearly die.

- Yeah, shit question.

Ah, I see you like basketball.

- Hey Harpo, did you really
see the ghost of a pig?

- Yeah, when I was eight.

That's why I don't eat pork.

- Hey, Burindi was '92
Olympics, yeah?

- That was Barcelona, mate.

- Sayyid, where is Alleppo?

- What's left of it is
in the north of Syria.

- Yeah, 'cause nothin's
comin' up on TripAdvisor.

- Harpo, thou art also a
Shakespeare fan?

- He yay verily goes all right.

- Hey Troy, you didn't
even mention

that I shagged the Miss New
Zealand contestant in Bali.

- What the hell are you doing?

- Just cornflour and
pomegranate, you dickhead.

- You are the angriest
hippie I have ever met.

What is the Archibald anyway?

- It's Australia's
pre-eminent portrait prize

and Harpo's gonna win it.

- So suck it up and sit still.

- Didier, what is Igishakamba?

- It's a type of casserole
I think, isn't it?

- No, no, no, it's a dance
in Burundi.

I show you.

- Okay.

(banging)

- Woo!
- Yeah, mate.

- [Team Members] Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

(School Shoes thudding)

- Oh my God!

(cheering)

- [Neil] This is the best bit.

- Ooh, School Shoes.

- What's this rubbish he's
got 'em doing? (laughing)

For a bloke who reckons he
loves trees,

he doesn't mind knockin'
'em down

to print any of this drivel,
does he?

- Anyway, I've gotta scoot.

So you be good, okay?

See ya.

Bye.
- Bye.

Can you read that somewhere
else, please?

- It's my kitchen.

- Possession is 9/10 of the law.

You haven't cooked even
a slice of toast in here

for the last 25 years, so
shuffle along.

Get over yourself and go
to bloody football training

with her, will ya?

The girls from book club
will be here in 10 minutes.

- A man's not welcome
in his own footy club,

in his own home.

- Your violin needs tuning.

- Look at you, would ya?

Leadin' book club one night

and Wog dancing the next.

What's this?

Vagina Monologues, what's that
even mean?

- It's a play Angie and I are
going to.

- Look at it will ya,
there's not a space on it.

Are you preparing for when I'm
not around?

- Oh, don't do that.

The Doc gave you the all clear.

Get on with living.

That's what I'm doing.

- Brett's been gone just over
a year

and you're living like
nothin' happened.

And Angie's worse, carrying on
with Troy

like her husband never existed.

- Stop it!

Why do you think that this
is so much harder for you

than anybody else?

I ache every time I
think of him.

- [Angie] Whoa, look at
that action.

Ooh!

Beautiful! (laughing)

Canola bowler
champion wants more.

Lovely.

All right, who's up next?

Who's up?

Come on, Neil, your shot.

- So in the end, Tou was in
detention for nearly 10 years.

Just before the Ban
Vanai Refugee Camp closed

Tou's family hid in the
northern plains of Thailand

fearing they were gonna
be sent back to Laos.

His father was caught
and imprisoned.

His mother died
shortly afterwards,

of malnutrition.

- Take your time, mate.

- His aunt and uncle that live
in the USA

are his only living relatives.

- It's okay, Harpo.

Thank you.

Good shed talk.

We do thing now.

- Also, Tou's really good at
doing the fainting goat thing.

(Tou imitates goat bleating)
(thudding)

(Harpo imitates goat bleating)
(thudding)

(laughing)
(applauding)

- [Woman On Radio] Bodgy Creek
Foodworks

is the place to be this week.

Paloumey an incredible $3.50.

White rice...

- Oh yeah, that's pretty cool.

Bye, mate, I'll see
you tomorrow.

- [Woman On Radio]
Bodgy Creek Foodworks,

where the whole world comes
to shop

in the middle of nowhere.

- Can you come to the Show
Us Your Dad/Guardian Day?

- Yeah.

- Krystal said you can't
bring granddads.

But I asked Ms. Chadwick
and she said it's okay.

- Yes, mate, I'll come.

- [Neil] Hey, look,
there's Sayyid.

We should give him a lift.

- Hmm.

- [Neil] He lives next door to
you now.

- Hm.

- Why do you hate refugees
so much?

- I don't hate 'em.

They just don't belong here.

- Who does belong here?

- Well, I don't know.

You, your Nana, your mum,
your dad.

We're forgettin' who we are.

Change is, change is no good.

- I like change.

Krystal just got moved to a
different work table today

and I feel like a new man.

(laughing)

(gentle, slow-tempo music)

(vocalizing)

- Hello!

This is my family,
my wife, Fazela,

and my daughter, Sima.

- Hi!
- How are you?

(Sayyid speaking in
foreign language)

- Thank you very much.

Ah, please, go inside.

I'll be in in a minute.

Thank you.

- [News Reporter] So tonight
(mumbles)

is to Gary Humphreys who will
move to the senate in the...

- Budgie pooh freezes in
three seconds.

It's like having a pet
that craps ice magic.

You've gotta get one.

(laughing)

- You didn't get it?

Nah?

- How'd you go on site?

- Well, the current
output is being diminished

to a considerable degree by
the shortfall

in requisite skills that
would favorably

enhance a positive outcome.

- So, shithouse?

- With the exception of Sayyid

this is not a talent pool
within which

one would expect to drown.

- Volume, Nev.

- I've got over a thousand
signatures, Rebekah.

This is a project our
community does not want.

And the whole thing has
gone ahead

without community approval.

Have you seen the plans for
the community hub, Rebekah?

They may as well be building
a mosque!

- Bull Barlow there.

So it looks like Carrington
is up to his old tricks.

Notorious for his role in
closing the Bodgy Creek Mill,

Carrington is once again using
his fame

to divide the very community
that welcomed him back.

- You all right?

- Just realized I wasn't thirsty
anymore.

- Yeah.

You knew it wasn't gonna
be easy.

- I'm trying to save
their footy club, Angie.

Half this town look at me

like I've shat in their
litter box.

- Also not easy.

- Gotta start winning games.

- Good chat.

(upbeat music)

- Why do you let me make this
shit, Carlos and Brigita?

Tastes like a troll shat in
a rainbow.

(sighs)

(cheering)

(singing drowned out by music)

(applauding)

♪ I'd love to have a beer
with Tou Pou ♪

♪ I'd love to have a beer
with Tou ♪

- Right.

Your opponent gets away
from you.

- [Team] What midfielder
from yonder stoppage breaks.

- Good stuff.

Harpo, you've cracked the
shits with the umpire.

What do you say?

- Goodly umpire, thine eyes
deceive thee.

- Thy judgment is clouded by
thy kinship to the maggot!

- Excellent.

- Stoop, Roosters stoop
and let us bathe our hands

in our enemy's blood up to
the elbows!

- Bit full on.

And by this tongue, thou
shalt deceive thy foe.

So hasten forth and
return not to this flimsy,

canvas pavilion til thou
has bested thy enemy!

(cheering)

- [Warwick] The Roosters
have fought hard today

and are on the verge of a
very unexpected victory.

- You're all right, you're
all right.

School Shoes is gone.

- How long to go?

- Oh, two minutes.

- Frog Feet, back on.

(clapping)

(cheering)

- Goodly opponent, this night
hence I did bed thy bride.

And she yay verily went
off like the clappers.

- Sayyid, Sayyid, Sayyid!

I'm open, I'm open!

(crowd cheering)
(whistle blowing)

- [Warwick] The Roosters have
won it.

I can't believe it!

The crowd is bowling over.

(energetic music)

(Angie shrieking)
(thudding)

♪ Oh, we're from Bodgy Creek ♪

♪ We are the Roosters,
and it's flags we seek ♪

♪ In any weather you will
see us with a grin, grin ♪

♪ Rifling through the bin, bin ♪

♪ We fight and fight and fight
and fight ♪

♪ But rarely ever win ♪

♪ For we're from Bodgy Creek ♪

♪ We're never beat until
the final cock has crowed ♪

♪ Cockadoo ♪

♪ Like the Roosters of old,
we're fat and we're bald ♪

♪ For we're from Bodgy,
maroon, blue, and white ♪

♪ For we're from Bodgy Creek ♪

(cheering)

- All right, boys!

Open bar at the Bottom Pub,

beers, wines, and cordials are
on me.

(cheering)

- Hey, hey, hey!

I prepare this for when we win.

Bodgy Creek song in Arabic.

(singing in foreign language)

- Hey, hey!

Oi, oi!

If you don't like singin'
it in our language,

then piss off.

- What is this man's problem?

- Well, you not passin'
the ball for a start.

- You are black pot
calling black kettle black.

Not handball, not chase,
not dirty.

(team oohs)

- Yeah, let's go, Sultana.

- Oi, oi!
- Ease up!

Ease up, ease up, ease up.

All right, settle down.

Everyone grab your gear,
head down to the ball's club,

and hit the showers.

You're goin' with me, come here.

- This man not need shower.

(whacking)

(shouting)

- Fire!

Fire!

I said fire!

- No, no, no, no!
- Don't do it, Snapper, no!

- I got Graham!

Ahhh!

(somber music)

- [Warwick] Congrats to
the Roosters.

Their first win in three years,

though the resulting
fire somewhat dampened

the celebrations.

I understand it's the first
time one club

has lost two club rooms in
a season

since the Mt. Stuart
sinkhole saga back in '67.

- Ahhh!

Oh, I thought they were
tiny capsicums.

- I give you an eye bath and
you will be fine, Porterhouse.

- It's smaller than I hoped.

What does it say, Sayyid?

- I like cordial.

- [Carpet Burn] Are you serious?

- Well, if you'd apologized
like I asked you to

I wouldn't have to suspend you.

- I'm done, I'm done.

And you know what, Troy?

You can shove your refos up
your ass.

- Refos up your ass?

That's the worst detention
center ever. (laughs)

What are you up to tomorrow?

- Not a lot.

- Well, I reckon it's about time

that you were introduced
to some canola bowling.

(mellow music)

Oh, here we go.

Ah!

- [Troy] They're a bit small.

- They're bowling shoes.

They're not supposed to
be comfortable.

- I'm losing circulation in
my toes.

- Ah, did you hear that, mate?

I reckon you got him rattled.

He's started making
excuses already.

- Eh, he's got a right to
be afraid.

Canola bowler champion,
three years running.

Count 'em and weep, Carrington.

- Ooh.

- Yeah, I'm just hearin'
this, Barlow.

How about you walk the walk?

- Go and show him how it's
done, champ.

(clattering)

Ooh!

Yes!

Boom!

(Neil imitates chicken clucking)

(laughing)

- Yeah, you got lucky, Barlow.

If it hadn't that rock, it'd
would've been a gutter ball.

- (laughing) Yeah, enough
trash talking, Tiny Shoes.

How about you have a bowl?

- All right.

- Come on, Carrots,
let's see what you got.

- Sou'easter.

(exhaling forcefully)

(ball thuds)

Ooh ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey?

- Ah, whatever.
- Look at that.

- I'll get it.

- He, he hasn't wanted to
play this since the accident.

He bloody loves you.

- Nah, he's just got a thing
for hermits.

- Yeah, I don't mind 'em myself.

- Well, any response to that

might impact on my status as
a hermit.

- [Neil] Found it!

- [Bull] Time to switch to
the footy.

- Hang on a second.

- Now, mate.

You've watched that clip too
much anyway.

- I filmed this yesterday.

- Eh?

- Yeah! (laughing)

- Ow.

Ow!

- [Bull] Where is she?

- Who?
- Don't you bullshit me.

- If by she you mean
Angie, she's not here.

- You keep away from her.

I seen you playing canola
bowl, you thievin' bastard.

That's my son's wife and my
son's kid.

No, it's just not right.

You replacin' him like
he, like he never existed.

- I'm not tryin' to
replace anyone.

- You're a pot stirrer,
Carrington, you always have been.

- I can't imagine what
if would have been like

to lose Brett, but...

- No, you bloody can't!

So I'll say it once again.

You keep away from her.

And you know what?

Your old man would tell you

to do exactly the same thing.

Oh, what the hell are
you doing to this place?

- I'm making a living out of it.

I reckon he would have
been all right with that.

- Ooh, yeah.

- And he would've been happy

that I was trying to save the
footy club

that you ran into the ground.

- You!

Oh...

- Bull!
- Ooh!

(Bull thuds)

- Bull?

Bull!

(somber music)

(siren wailing)

- He's gonna be fine.

- What was it?

- A combination of meds,
low blood pressure, stress.

He just needs to look after
himself.

- Righto.

- He said, he said to say thanks

for taking care of him,
despite what was said.

- Yeah, no drama.

- So, what was said?

- We had some conflicting
points of view.

- On?

- On, well, my old man,
biodynamic farming, and...

- And?

- He was fairly clear that
us spending any time together

wasn't his preferred outcome.

- Ah.

And what's your
preferred outcome?

- Not his.

- Ah.

Good.

Well, I better get back to
the old bastard. (laughs)

- [Ms. Chadwick] Right, well,
let's all thank Mr. Carter.

- [Children] Thank you, Mr.
Carter.

- Does anyone think they
might want

to work in an abattoir?

So, let's have Mr...

- Uh, I'll, I'll go next.

Oh, so it's all right.

I've got undies on.

I just, see, a friend hid
my clothes

otherwise I would have changed.

Right, so, um, (throat clearing)

I'm Bull, and yous can call
me Bull.

- Is that your real name?

- No, no.

- Then what is it?

- Gabriel.

(children laughing)

Anyway, I'm lived here for a
long time

so, any questions?

- You're not Neil's dad.

- No, I'm his granddad.
- Where's his dad?

- Krystal, let's give some
of the other kids a turn.

- Ah, no, no, no, it's all
right.

Well, Neil's dad, he, uh,

he couldn't be here because
he's had an accident

a year ago, on his motorbike.

And, um,

so I'm here instead.

For Neil.

Um, Ms. Chadwick, it's a
bit harder than I thought.

- Mr. Bull.

Losing son and father is very
bad thing.

My father was murdered in
front of me and brother,

which makes me very sad.

A long time I cannot think.

I'm always angry, even
at the small things.

Then I knew I must find
safe home

for wife, Fazela, and daughter,
Sima, away from civil war.

A long time I must wait in hot
shit place.

(children laughing)

Sorry, Ms. Chadwick, I should
not say shit in school.

(children laughing)

I'm sorry you lose your
son, Gabriel.

- Uh, it's Bull.

- I cannot call you Gabriel?

This is beautiful name.

Your mother give you this name.

Why you want to be
called man cow? (laughs)

- Uh...

- Famous root, Enya.
- Enya?

- [Troy] Yeah, while her
music's playing.

- Oh!

- Don't diss the
Celtic priestess.

And yours?

- No, I'm not gonna say
what mine...

- Come on.
- No!

- I told you mine.
- It's embarrassing.

- That's all right.
- It's Captain Von Trapp.

- Ooh, that's weird.
(laughing)

You'd end up with six
extra kids.

- No, you're over thinking this.

This is famous root, not
famous marry.

- Ah, I don't believe in
coitus out of wedlock, so...

- That's a shame.

(Angie laughs)

What?

What is it?
- Nothing.

- No, what is it?

There's something wrong.

Is it, is it Bull?

- And the rest.

I don't wanna give this town

anymore reasons to hate me.

- I just, I just held
your hand, you dickhead.

Or does that mean
we're betrothed

in your archaic views
on courting?

- Indeed it does.

- Living in a small
town surrounded

by your dead husband's mates

is a particular brand of lonely.

When they're sober, they
don't know what to say

and when they're drunk, well,

they wanna do more than hold
your hand.

- Ahh, that must make you
miss him all the more.

- Yeah, it does.

So much.

But that doesn't mean I
just give up.

Anyone who still hates
you is a bloody idiot.

I mean, look what you have done.

It's amazing.

You're amazing.

If I had walked in here tonight

and found that you were
curing a bunch of lepers,

I would have just shrugged
and gone, yeah, I figured.

- I would never expose
you to that kind of risk.

Got the whole colony locked in
the shed.

(laughing)

- Oh no.

- What?

- Oh my God.

You've got a black spot.

It's the first symptom.

- Ooh, that's disappointing.

- Yeah.

I could,

I could kiss it off.

- That's an unorthodox
course of treatment.

Could be worth a try.

- Hey guys.

- Hey, Snaps.

This is, um, standard leprosy
treatment.

- Fair enough.

Sorry, Troy, I just
needed to show you this.

I crushed up some
quandong berries

and mixed it with your wine,
and look,

organic nail polish remover!

One coat and it was gone.

- Does it also make blokes
that lob up uninvited

disappear?

- Sorry, I just need to grab
some flagons

straight out of your fermentor.

- Go for your life.

(upbeat music)

♪ I remember when I was a lad ♪

♪ Kickin' a footy around
my backyard ♪

♪ Me and the cousins, we
tried to kick a goal ♪

♪ Oh what a time we had ♪

- [Team] Cold, cold, cold!

♪ I said we played with heart ♪

(thwacking)

♪ We played with our
heart and soul ♪

(cheering)

♪ It's the best game in
the world for young old ♪

♪ It's my football team,
football team ♪

♪ Yeah, my football team ♪

- Go Roosters! (laughing)

- Go on.

As we practiced, you wait
for Tou's signal, okay?

You do the thing, Porterhouse
will come up the guts,

Goober will drill ya.

All right, let's go.

(imitating goats bleating)

Good stuff, Porterhouse.

♪ Me and my football team,
football team ♪

♪ Yeah, my football,
football team ♪

♪ Foul puttin' and a-playin' ♪

♪ Tryin' to put him off
his game ♪

♪ For my football team,
football team ♪

♪ Yeah, my football team ♪

♪ It's the color of
your jumper ♪

♪ Not the color of your skin ♪

♪ Yeah, it's the color of
your jumper ♪

♪ Not the color of your skin ♪

- Forwards Plato, German
Measles, and Tolstoy Rucks.

Porterhouse?

- [Team] Well done.

- Sorry, Troy.

- [Troy] Harpo, Carpet
Burn, Sayyid, interchange.

Anpu, Suresh, School
Shoes, and Iraqi Kevin,

emergency snapper.

Good luck.

- Uh, yeah, and you guys,
whoever's takin' the bus

we're leavin' the pub at 11
o'clock sharp.

So don't be late.

- What are you doing?
- What?

- Why isn't Snapper playing?

- It's the semi-final.

We have to beat the best
team, he knows that.

- Does he?

I think you might have
to explain it to him.

Picking Carpet Burn ahead
of Snapper

goes against everything
you've been trying to do here.

- Oh, come on, Angie.

We're that close now.

- Close to what?

Look.

Look at all this, this team.

That's your victory.

Snapper.

(crowd cheering)
(horn blowing)

- Boys, boys!

You can start paintin' the
premiership plank, boys.

The beers are on me!

(cheering)

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't go too hard,

'cause you got a premiership
to win next week!

(cheering)

- Hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey!

Who is the best player today,
Sayyid?

Uh, this is a very hard
question.

It was me, of course!

(cheering)

- Oi, oi!

Nope, I kicked four goals.

I think we all know Carpets was
B-O-G!

Hey!

Come on.

We're in the Grannie, boys.

We're in the Grannie, let's
drink to it!

(cheering)

Come on, mate, have a beer.

Come on, we won.
- No, thank you.

- Come on, have a beer.

- No, thank you.
- Scull, scull, scull, scull...

- No!
- Scull, scull.

(can clanks)

- Knock it off, Carpets.

- [Warwick] Come on
down to the Bodgy Creek

Bowling Club Open Day this
Sunday.

There'll be barefoot bowls
for prospective members

and we'll be raffling
the biggest meat tray

in the southern hemisphere.

And entertainment will
be provided by new local,

Tou Pou, who will play the
traditional Hmong flute...

- Oi, Sayyid!

Save some energy for the
Final, mate.

- Can you please?

I must go Ms. Angie office.

I must get Visa for
brother, Ammad, and mother.

Not safe.
- Get in, get in.

(engine revving)

(players chattering
indistinctly)

- [Sayyid] Hello, you have
called Sayyid.

Please leave a message and
I will try to call you back.

- Oh Fran, is Sayyid in?

- Yeah, he is, love, but uh...

- He didn't come to
training, of all weeks.

- You haven't heard, love.

- Heard what?

- Sayyid's brother, Ammad.

There was a raid in Alleppo.

He was shot and killed.

- Oh no.

No.

His mum?

- She wasn't hurt.

Angie's been on the
blower all night

trying to fast-track a visa.

- Should I go in?

- They've only just gone to
sleep, love.

- Thanks.

♪ I am your true shepherd ♪

♪ I will lead you there ♪

♪ Beside still waters ♪

♪ Come and meet me in
the middle of the air ♪

♪ I will meet you in
the middle of the air ♪

♪ I will lay you down in
pastures green and fair ♪

♪ Every soul shall be restored ♪

♪ I will meet them in
the middle of the air ♪

♪ Come and meet me in
the middle of the air ♪

♪ Through the lonesome valley ♪

♪ My rod and staff you'll bear ♪

♪ Fear not death's dark shadow ♪

♪ I will meet you in
the middle of the air ♪

♪ Come and meet me in
the middle of the air ♪

- Does your mum know you're
here?

- She's at the theater.

What's a monologue?

- It's when an actor in a play

does a speech on their own.

- Oh, then I think I need
you to re-explain to me

what a vagina is.

- Ah.
- What are you making?

- Eh, I'll show you
later, when it's finished.

You can film me if you want.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Interview 28 with Troy
Carrington.

Why did you pick Carpet
Burn instead of Snapper?

- He's a good player.

- He's also a dickhead.

- He apologized for the way
he acted.

- Krystal said she was sorry,

and flushed my sun hat in
the toilet the next day.

She's a dickhead.

- I see your point.

- Do you reckon it would
have hurt?

- What, mate?

- Sayyid's brother gettin' shot.

- Oh.

Yeah, probably.

At first.

But sometimes it can happen
so fast that

you might only feel it for
a second.

- And then they die?

- Yeah, mate.

(gentle piano and string music)

- They reckon my dad
died instantly.

So he wouldn't have felt
anything, right?

- I'd say.

- [Neil] Did your mum die
instantly?

- [Troy] She went the
best way, in her sleep.

I took in her a peppermint
tea and she wouldn't wake up.

- Do you miss her?

- You never stop missing them.

- I don't want my mum to
die instantly,

or even in slow motion.

- [Troy] Neither do I.

- [Neil] I don't want
you to die second most.

- [Troy] Thanks.

- Used to be Nana and
Grandaddy equal second.

Now they're equal third.

(laughing)

Who's your top three?

I don't mind being second
if mum's number one.

- [Troy] That sounds fair.

(Angie laughs)

- He was keeping me alive.

Everyday I miss wife, I
miss daughter.

I am sad, I am angry.

Everyday Ammad would tell me,

Sayyid be strong, one day we be
free, yes?

Then when government man come
and say

Sayyid, Ammad, you are not
real refugees.

Not real?

How can he say this?

So I tell this stupid man,

Assad government troops kill
my father

because they say we are rebels!

If we go home, terrorists will
kill us.

Chemical weapons will kill
us, bombs will kill us!

But Ammad, he is quiet.

Then he say, Sayyid, I
have enough, I go home.

I was so angry, I say nothing.

But they take him at night.

I did not get to say goodbye
to my brother. (sobbing)

Ahh!

I make snot bubble like baby.

- Get him a tissue.

- 100% linen?

Sayyid not animal.

Gabriel get Sayyid a tissue!

- Oh.

- Thank you.

I still play Grand Final.

- No, mate.

It's just a game.

- But you will lose if Sayyid
not play.

- Probably.

(Sayyid laughs)

- I miss my brother.

- I know you do.

I know you do, mate.

(Sayyid sobbing)

- Oh, hello. (clapping)

It's the dickhead who canceled
training

on Grand Final week.

- It's the right thing to do.

- Yeah, whatever you say,
coach of the year. (laughs)

- You're not playing.

- What?

Yeah right.

- Thought I'd let you know
before we put the teams

in the bakery window.

- Well, you are joking.

- I'm not.

- Explain to me why you would
drop

the Best and Fairest winner
of the last two years.

- Sometimes the fairest
bit gets overlooked.

- Troy.

Fuck!

- Mate, I need to apologize.

- What for?

- You should have played last
weekend.

- Nah, that's, that's all right.

- No, it's not.

You're the one who's backed this

since I turned up to the
first training session

with mime footballs.

- I'm pretty good at mime footy.

- There's none better.

(clattering)

- I was gonna tell you about
this before, with Sayyid.

I didn't wanna...
- Tell me what?

- Oh my God.

Come in, dome in, come in.

Guys.

Look, I knew it worked.

I just, I couldn't work out why

and then I told Didier about the
alpacas

spitting in the wine
vats, and then, boing!

And it's not even just
nail polish remover.

- Yes, I tweak the formula

and also made a wallpaper
remover.

- It works as radiator coolant
too.

- Insect repellent not work.

- We're gonna call it Cleano
Noir.

Yes, no, yes?

- I like it.

- I set up the online shop.

The pre-orders are overwhelming.

- Every cent goes to Sayyid.

- Ah!
- And Tou's malaria shots.

(upbeat guitar music)

(crowd cheering)

- [Warwick] It's the
Rooster's first Grand Final

since 1994 and the crowds are
pouring into the Cougar cage.

It's going off like a forgotten
hot dog

in a thermos here today.

And if the Roosters can
pull off this upset,

well, I'm not a drinking man,

but I'll be asking Neville

for a lemon lime and double
bitters.

- When the guards ask me
to play football on Nauru,

I tell them that Ammad should
play,

and they say no, he is
small like horse jockey.

I don't want to leave
him but he say to me,

"No, Sayyid, play the game for
me."

Today, I play the game
for my brother Ammad.

- [Team] Armad!

- Not Armad!

You speak shit Arabic.

- Ah, give the man some space.

Go and get changed.

Grab a possie.

Snapper.

Where's Didier from?

- Bujumbura, Burindi.

- Harpo, what's Tou's phobia?

- Balloons popping.

(smacking)
(laughing)

- Didier, what nickname does
Suresh give his genitals?

- The gentlemen below.

- True.

- For a while, I forgot how much

you blokes look out for each
other,

and I don't mean out there on
the field.

Goober.

This bloke, he drove Tou to
Canberra

to help sort out his visa
issues.

(applauding)

Snapper paid for Did's
chemistry accreditation.

(applauding)

And last night under the pump,

this bloke, Porterhouse,
organized meals

for Sayyid's family.

- [Team] Well done!

(applauding)

- But you don't go on about it.

Who knows himself a
braggart, let him fear this,

for it shall come to
pass that every braggart

shall be found an ass.

- All's Well That Ends Well, Act
Four.

- Bang on the money, Harps.

I lost sight of that,

and I'm so sorry.

But today we take it to the next
level.

Today we get to know the
Hudson's Flat blokes inside out.

Now I want you to spend the
first quarter

getting to know everything
you can about your opponent.

They may wear a different jumper

but doesn't mean we have to hate
'em.

- I know you don't wanna
hear this, but, uh,

it is the Cougars and I
genuinely do hate them.

(laughing)

- Fair point.

Goober, you've spent all
year getting to know people

from all around the world.

These blokes live 23 kilometers
away.

They breathe the same air.

They drink the same water.

They've got the same
dickhead local member.

Microscopically speaking,
we're gonna improve the world

for maybe 100 minutes.

Bonus if we put 'em off their
game.

- Righto.

Ruffy, okay, he's on the paleo
diet.

Talks about nothing else
apparently.

- You get Boof talking
about racing pigeons,

you will not shut him up.

- Yeah, he may look neanderthal

but the man keeps an immaculate
aviary.

- Actually, he's very
sensitive about being adopted,

so tread lightly.

- Yeah.
- Good to know.

Hibbert, very keen to
give musical theater a go.

- Yeah, light opera in
particular.

Yeah, okay.

And Ponko, now either he has
worms

or he has the hots for the
Hudson flat chemist nurse.

He was in there three times
yesterday.

- If it is worms, he
should take Praziquental.

- Or Albenzadole.

- Bit of meat on a string takes
'em out.

- That's a bit full on.

All right, boys, up on your
feet.

(shouting)

- Today we invert the paradigm.

I want you to go out there,

shake your hands with
your opponent,

and metaphorically
speaking, never let it go!

(cheering)

Come on!

- Here you go, princess.

- Hang on, we're one
short again.

- Don't worry about that.

Keep yourself pumped up.

Today we do it for Ammad and
School Shoes.

(cheering)

(upbeat music)

(crowd cheering)

- Come on, Roosters!

- 'Scuse me, boys.

(cheering)

Righto, boys, we got a Grannie
to win!

(horn blowing)

(whistle blowing)

- [Warwick] There's the bounce

and we are under way in the
big one!

- That's so cool, Weetbix.

I thought you had to be,
like, a doctor or a nurse

to join Medicines San Frontiers.

- Nah, I'm just
delivering supplies.

I just need a Level Three
First Aid Certificate.

- Got your injections yet?

- I hate needles.

(Weetbix shrieks)
(thudding)

- Well done, my protoge!

- Sorry, Weetbix.

- Oh, that's full on, Boof.

What was it like when you
finally met him?

- It was weird, Goob.

Even though he was me
biological dad,

there was just no connection
there.

Showed a complete lack
of interest

when I showed him me
pigeon coops.

Haven't seen him since.

(crowd booing)

- Sorry to hear, mate.

- [Teammate] Porterhouse, go
round, mate!

(whistle blowing)
(cheering)

- [Crowd] Well done!

- [Warwick] Well done indeed
Porterhouse.

Well, that's the end of the
first quarter

and good news, the Roosters
are up by 13 points.

- I've been on paleo
for the last six months.

- Paleo's overrated, Ruffy.

I haven't eaten meat for
the past seven years.

Look at the size of me, pal.

- If you like the chemist
nurse, Ponko, ask her out.

- What if she has a boyfriend?

- Well, she won't be your
boyfriend

if you always buy medicine you
don't need.

She probably think you dying.

Or worse, have penis disease.

- Poplarville's got a light
opera company.

They did an amazing production
of lolanthe last year.

You know what, I'll get
the musical director

to give you a call.

- Oh, that'd be awesome, Troy.

- All right, I'll let him know.

(whistle blowing)
(cheering)

- Lookin' good, boys!

- Oh, oh, ooohh!

(horn blowing)

- So, as I was saying,

we were effectively
trapped between the rebels

and the government forces

while the artillery was pounding
our home from both sides.

It is a miracle that we
survived.

But of course, thousands weren't
so lucky.

Have a great halftime
break, guys!

(upbeat music)

- [Warwick] Well butter
my crumpets on both sides,

the Roosters are up by 21 points

going into the third quarter,

which has just got under way.

- Tell your ex that you
forgive her.

It might give you closure.

- You're bloody right, Ruffy.

- [Player] Get a hold of 'em,
get 'em!

(whistle blowing)
(cheering)

- I'd never thought of it like
that.

- Just have a beer with him.

Not as father and son, but
as mates.

- Yeah, thanks, Goober.
- No worries, mate.

(cheering)
(whistle blowing)

(cheering)
(whistle blowing)

- [Warwick] Well that's 3/4 time

and the Roosters might just be
in front,

but the Cougars have all the
momentum.

- [Player] Yeah, we're still
in this, we're still in this.

- In nice and close,
in nice and close.

All right, it
worked for us early on

but they're onto us now,

so we need to ease up
on the friendly chatter.

- Oh, Troy, I am this
close to gettin' Boof

to call his biological dad
and give it another crack.

- Oh, Weetbix is gonna
write me a reference

to Medicine Sans Frontier,
which would be amazing.

(players talking simultaneously)

- Oi!

Oi, oi, oi!

Put a bloody sock in it!

Look at yourselves.

Go on, have a bloody
good look at yourselves.

This bloke here has made
you lot into a team.

I'm buggered if I know how.

But we are so close to nailing
another premiership plank

on that gum tree, I
can smell the eucalypt.

Go on, smell it! (inhaling)

Go on, smell it!

Smell it!

Now pull your heads in
and listen to your coach.

- Yeah.
- Come on, boys.

- You heard the club custodian.

All we gotta do to earn
a flag is...

- [Team] Keep doing it
until we are not shit!

(energetic rock music)

(whistle blowing)

(cheering)
(whistle blowing)

(whistle blowing)

- All clear.

- All right, Porterhouse,
you're up.

Get in there, boy, get in there!

(whistle blowing)

(cheering)
(whistle blowing)

(laughing)

- [Warwick] Another goal to
Sayyid

and the Roosters are now just a
kick away

from an historic victory.

I tell ya what, this is the
best individual performance

I've seen since one-armed Glenn
Farrell

won the Wood chop at the Bodgy
Creek Show,

came streaming down the
middle like the '93 floods.

Lovely shepherd there from
Snapper.

- Come on, mate!

- [Warwick] And, oh, he's
fended that fella off

like he was made of balsam wood.

Oh, copy book 1-2 combo with
Didier.

He's running into the
open goal as the seconds

tick down in the game,
and it hit the post.

Bugger.

That's disappointing.

Ah well, with less than a
minute to go

I reckon the Roosters have
time for one more play,

but that's it.

- It's not in our stars
to hold our destiny.

It's in ourselves!

(energetic music)

- Here, mate.

(imitating goats bleating)
(thudding)

- Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh!

Mime handball, go!

(crowd groaning)

- Play on!

(thudding)
(whistle blowing)

Holding the ball.

(crowd shouting)

- [Warwick] What a terrific
tackle from Snapper.

He's got a shot for
goal here and...

(horn blowing)

Oh dear, siren's gone.

Well, if Snapper kicks
this one, the Roosters win.

- You got this, Snaps.

- Goobs, Goobs, no, I can't do
this!

Troy, I can't kick it that far.

- Do you reckon you'd kick
a mime footy that far?

- Yeah, easy.

- That wasn't a mime bloke you
tackled.

You'll be all right.

Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.

All right, boys, it's time
to go old school refugee.

(teammates shouting)

(Snapper exhales forcefully)

(heart beating)

- Come on, Snaps.

(thwacking)

- Moses!

(gentle singing in foreign
language)

(cheering)
(whistle blowing)

- [Warwick] The Roosters have
premiered!

(energetic music)

(thudding)

- Smell the bloody eucalpyt!

- Is my leprosy playing up?

- Like you wouldn't believe.

- Hey, time and a place, you
two.

We've got a song to sing!

(cheering)

♪ Oh, we're from Bodgy Creek ♪

(singing in foreign language)

♪ Oh, we're from Bodgy Creek ♪

♪ We're never beat until
the final cock has crowed ♪

♪ Cockadoo ♪

♪ Like the Roosters of old,
we're fat and we're bald ♪

♪ For we're from Bodgy,
maroon, blue, and white ♪

♪ For we're from Bodgy Creek ♪

(cheering)

(energetic music)
(singing in foreign language)

- So after being an
absolutely bullshit team

for my whole life, the
Roosters have suddenly

come good and won the
premiership.

And that's not all!

Sayyid became the first
person to win a permanent visa

and the League Best and
Fairest in the same season.

Some TV producer heard about
Porterhouse

and his legendary sweet
and sour Chicken Kiev

and he ended up on the telly.

Snapper and Didier's Cleano Noir
start up

has really started to
kick goals.

Once Tou finally stopped
using the pole as a spear,

he became the best totem
tennis player

to ever come out of Bodgy Creek.

Suresh's new club room design

won him international
recognition.

He's currently working on a
Taj Mahal-inspired rebuild

of the Bodgy Creek Bowls Club.

Harpo moved on from his
broken heart

and went on to win the
Archibald Packer's Prize.

Grandad really started to
embrace the changes around town.

Sayyid has started to teach
him how to swear in Arabic.

So how did my documentary end
up?

Boo-yah!

Thanks for asking.

So how did Troy Carrington
go from being a Town Killer

with no mates to a
Premiership Coach?

Troy, how did you turn
that rabble

into a not shithouse team?

- Sorry, mate, do I know you?

- This is gonna go at the
end of the documentary.

- And you are?

- Neil!

- Not ringing any bells.

- You're wrecking it.

- Sorry, mate.

- You're the worst, Troy,
and you always will be.

- Ah no, Nobby.

Nobhead!

(energetic music)
(singing in foreign language)