The Meaning of Life (1983) - full transcript
Why are we here, what's it all about? The Monty Python-team is trying to sort out the most important question on Earth: what is the meaning of life? They do so by exploring the various stages of life, starting with birth. A doctor seems more interested in his equipment than in delivering the baby or caring for the mother, a Roman Catholic couple have quite a lot of children because 'every sperm is sacred'. In the growing and learning part of life, catholic schoolboys attend a rather strange church service and ditto sex education lesson. Onto war, where an officer's plan to attack is thwarted by his underlings wanting to celebrate his birthday and an officer's leg is bitten off by presumably an African tiger. At middle age a couple orders 'philosophy' at a restaurant, after which the film continues with live organ transplants. The autumn years are played in a restaurant, which, after being treated to the song 'Isn't It Awfully Nice to Have a Penis?' by an entertainer, sees the arrival of an extremely fat man. He can eat a lot, but also throw up quite copiously. The Grim Reaper brings for the final stage of human life, death, a visit to a mansion, where the people are rather interested in him. But life doesn't stop at death. It's onto heaven, where it's always Christmas.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Morning.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- What's new?
- Not much.
- Morning! Morning!
- Good morning!
- Frank was just asking what's new.
- Was he?
Yes.
- Hey, look. Howard's being eaten.
- Is he?
Makes you think, doesn't it?
- I mean, what's it all about?
- Beats me.
Why are we here
What's life all about
Is God really real
Or is there some doubt
Well, tonight we're going
to sort it all out
For tonight it's
the meaning of life
What's the point
of all these hoax
Is it the chicken
and the egg time
Are we just yolks
Or perhaps we're just one
of God's little jokes
Well, ça c'est
le meaning of life
Is life just a game
Where we make up the rules
While we're searching
for something to say
Or are we just simply
spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DNA
What's life,
what is our fate
Is there heaven and hell
Do we reincarnate
Is mankind evolving
or is it too late
Well, tonight
here's the meaning of life
For millions
This life
is a sad vale of tears
Sitting round with really
nothing to say
While scientists say
We're just simply
spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DNA
So just why,
why are we here
And just what
What, what, what
do we fear
Well, ce soir
for a change
It will be made clear
For this is
the meaning of life
C'est la sens de la vie
This is
the meaning of life
One thousand and eight!
Mrs. Moore's contractions
are more frequent, Doctor.
Good. Take her into
the fetus-frightening room.
Right.
Jolly good. It's a bit
bare in here today, isn't it?
- Yes.
- Yes, more apparatus please, Nurse.
- The EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV.
- Yes, certainly, Doctor.
And get the machine
that goes ping!
And get the most expensive machines
in case the administrator comes.
That's it. Bring it in. Bring
it right here. Behind me.
Lovely, lovely.
Jolly good. That's better.
- That's much, much better.
- Yes, more like it.
Still something missing though.
- Patient.
- Patient. Yes.
- Where's the patient? Patient!
- Anyone seen the patient?
- Here she is.
- Bring it over here.
Mind the machines!
- Sorry, Doctor.
- Come along!
- Come along.
- Jump on it. Hup!
- Hello. Now don't you worry.
- We'll soon have you cured.
Leave it all to us.
You'll never know what hit you.
- Good-bye. Drips up.
- Good-bye. Injections.
- Can I put the tube in the baby's head?
- Only if I can do the episiotomy.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Legs up.
Oh, come in. Come on in, all of you.
That's it. Jolly good.
- Come on.
- Come along. Spread round there.
- Who are you?
- I'm the husband.
I'm sorry. Only people involved
are allowed in here.
- What do I do?
- Yes?
- What do I do?
- Nothing, dear. You're not qualified.
- Leave it to us.
- What's that for?
That's the machine
that goes ping!
You see? That means
your baby is still alive.
And that's the most expensive
machine in the whole hospital.
- Yes, it cost over 3/4 of a million pounds.
- Aren't you lucky!
The administrator is here, Doctor.
- Switch everything on.
- Morning, gentlemen.
- Morning.
- Morning, gentlemen. Morning.
- Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
- Mr. Pycroft.
Oh, very impressive.
Very impressive.
- And what are you doing this morning?
- It's a birth.
And what sort of thing is that?
Well, that's when we take a new baby
out of a lady's tummy.
Wonderful what we can do nowadays.
I see you have the machine
that goes ping!
This is my favourite. You see, we lease
this back from the company we sold it to,
and that way, it comes under the monthly
current budget and not the capital account.
Thank you, thank you. We try to do
our best. Well, do carry on.
- Oh, the vulva's dilating, Doctor.
- Oh, yes, there's the head.
Yes, four centimetres,
five, six centimetres.
- Lights! Masks up!
- Amplify the ping machine.
- Suction!
- Eyes down for a full house!
Here it comes.
And frighten it.
Thank you.
And the rough towels!
Show it to the mother.
That's enough.
- Right, sedate her.
- Number the child.
Measure it, blood-type it
and isolate it.
Okay, show's over.
Is it a boy or a girl?
I think it's a little early to start
imposing roles on it, don't you?
Now, a word of advice. You may find
that you suffer for some time...
a totally irrational feeling of depression,
PND, as we doctors call it.
So, it's lots of
happy pills for you,
and you can find out all about
the birth when you get home.
It's available on Betamax,
VHS and Super 8.
Oh, bloody hell.
- Oh, get it, would you, Deidre?
- All right, Mum.
- Now whose tea time is it?
- Mine!
Come on. Out you go.
Now, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine,
Martha, Andrew, Thomas,
Walter, Pat, Linda,
Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique
and Sasha, it's your bedtime.
Now don't argue!
Laura, Alfred, Nigel,
Annie, Simon and...
Wait. I've got something
to tell the whole family.
Oh, quick.
Go and get the others in, Gordon.
The mill's closed.
There's no more work.
We're destitute.
Come in, my little loves. I've got no
option but to sell you all...
for scientific experiments.
No, no, that's the way
it is, my loves.
Blame the Catholic Church for not letting me
wear one of those little rubber things.
Oh, they've done some
wonderful things in their time.
They've preserved the might and majesty,
even mystery of the Church of Rome,
and the sanctity of the sacrament,
the indivisible oneness of the Trinity,
but if they'd let me wear one of those
little rubber things on the end of my cock,
we wouldn't be
in the mess we are now.
Couldn't Mummy have worn
some sort of pessary?
Not if we're going to remain members of the
fastest-growing religion in the world, my boy.
- He's right.
- You see, we believe...
Let me put it like this.
There are Jews
in the world
There are Buddhists
There are Hindus
and Mormons and then
There are those
that follow Mohammed
But I've never been
one of them
I'm a Roman Catholic
And have been since
before I was born
And the one thing
they say about Catholics
Is they'll take you
as soon as you're warm
You don't have to be
a six-footer
You don't have to have
a great brain
You don't have to have
any clothes on
You're a Catholic
the moment Dad came
Because
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate
Let the heathens
spill theirs
On the dusty ground
God shall make them pay
For each sperm
that can't be found
Every sperm is wanted
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon
Spill theirs just anywhere
But God loves those
who treat
Their semen with more care
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood
Every sperm is useful
Every sperm is fine
God needs everybody's
Mine, and mine,
and mine
Let the pagans
spill theirs
O'er mountain
hill and plain
God shall strike them down
For each sperm
that's spilt in vain
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets
Quite irate
So you see my problem,
little ones.
I can't keep you all
here any longer.
Speak up!
I can't keep you all
here any longer!
God has blessed us so much
I can't afford to feed you anymore.
Couldn't you have
your balls cut off?
It's not as simple as that, Nigel.
God knows all.
He'd see through such a cheap trick.
What we do to ourselves, we do to him.
You could have had them
pulled off in an accident.
No. Children, I know you're trying to help,
but believe me, me mind's made up.
I've given this long
and careful thought,
and it has to be medical
experiments for the lot of you.
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
Look at them. Bloody Catholics.
Filling the bloody world up...
with bloody people they can't afford
to bloody feed.
- What are we, dear?
- Protestant, and fiercely proud of it.
Well, why do they have
so many children?
Because every time they have sexual
intercourse, they have to have a baby.
- But it's the same with us, Harry.
- What do you mean?
Well, I mean, we've got
two children,
and we've had
sexual intercourse twice.
That's not the point.
We could have it any time we wanted.
- Really?
- Oh, yes. And what's more,
because we don't believe in all that
papist claptrap, we can take precautions.
What, you mean lock the door?
No, no. I mean because we are members of
the Protestant Reformed Church,
which successfully challenged the autocratic
power of the papacy in the mid-16th century,
we can wear little rubber
devices to prevent issue.
What do you mean?
I could, if I wanted, have sexual
intercourse with you...
Oh, yes, Harry.
And, by wearing a rubber sheath
over my old fellow,
I could ensure that when I came off,
you would not be impregnated.
That's what being a Protestant's
all about.
That's why it's the church for me.
That's why it's the church for anyone...
who respects the individual
and the individual's right...
to decide for him or herself.
When Martin Luther nailed his protest
up to the church door in 1517,
he may not have realized the full
significance of what he was doing,
but 400 years later,
thanks to him, my dear,
I can wear whatever I want
on my John Thomas.
And Protestantism doesn't stop
at the simple condom. Oh, no!
- I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
- You what?
French Ticklers,
Black Mambos, Crocodile Ribs.
Sheaths that are designed
not only to protect...
but also to enhance the stimulation
of sexual congress.
- Have you got one?
- Have I got one? Well, no,
but I can go down the road anytime
I want and walk into Harry's...
and hold my head up high and
say, in a loud, steady voice...
Harry, I want you to sell me
a condom.
In fact, today I think I'll have
a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.
- Well, why don't you?
- But they... they cannot...
because their church never made the
great leap out of the Middle Ages...
and the domination
of alien episcopal supremacy.
But despite the attempts
of Protestants...
to promote the idea
of sex for pleasure,
children continue
to multiply everywhere.
An exciting and
controversial examination...
of the Protestant reformer
whose reassessment of the role...
of the individual
in Christian belief...
shook the foundations
of a post-feudal Germany...
in the grip of the 16th century.
It was a day much like any other
in the quiet town of Wittenberg.
Mamie Meyer was preparing fat
for the evening meal...
when the full force
of the Reformation struck.
Mamie! Martin Luther's out!
Oh, Martin Luther.
Did you get the suet, Hymie?
Oy vey! The suet I clean forgot.
The suet? You forgot?
The lard, the fish oil, the butter fat,
the dripping, the bull grease...
I'll remember,
but the suet, oy vey.
So, what do you keep up here?
Adipose tissue?
- Look out. Here he comes.
- Girls, your father forgot the suet!
- Hello, Martin.
- Where's the john?
- We don't have one.
- No john? What do you do?
- We eat fat.
- That stops you going to the john?
- It's a theory.
- Yeah, but does it work?
- We ain't got no john.
- Yeah, but you need to go.
You know how it is with theories.
Some days they're fine...
maybe one, two, three days.
Then just when it looks like
you're ready for the publish...
you need a new kitchen floor.
You should be so lucky.
Do you need any cleaning inside?
Not today.
It's all going fine.
How's about showing me the cutlery?
I got a woman and children in there.
So, there's no problem.
I'll just look at a few spoons.
I got two girls in there, Martin.
You know what I mean?
Honest, I don't look at your girls.
I don't think about them.
There.
I'll put them out of my mind.
Their arms, their necks...
their little legs and bosoms,
I'll wipe from my mind.
You just want to see the spoons?
My life.
That's what I want to see.
- I know I'm gonna regret this.
- No, listen.
Cutlery's really my thing now.
Girls with round breasts
is over for me.
What am I doing?
I know what's going to happen.
I'll crouch behind you.
Mamie, guess who's come to see us?
Hymie, are you out of your mind already?
You know how old your daughters are.
He only wants to see the spoons.
What do you have to bring him
into my house for?
He doesn't think about girls anymore.
Mrs. Meyer, as far as
girls is concerned...
I shot my wad.
- You shot your wad?
- Definitely.
- Which spoons do you want to view?
- I guess the soup spoons.
Now, they're good spoons.
- You got them arranged?
- No, but I can arrange them for you.
Don't put yourself
to no bother, Mrs. Meyer.
It's no bother.
I want for you to see these spoons...
like I would want
to see them myself.
You're too kind, Mrs. Meyer.
You could get your daughters
to show me them.
Hymie, get him out of here!
Mamie, he only said for Audrey
and Myrtle to show him the spoons.
You think I'm running some kind
of bordello here?
Mrs. Meyer, how can you
say such a thing?
Listen, Martin Luther. I know
what you want to do with my girls.
Show me the spoons.
You want them
to pull up their skirts...
and then lean over a chair
with their legs apart!
- Mamie, don't get excited.
- I'm getting excited?
- It's him that's getting excited!
- My mind is on the spoons.
But you can't stop thinking
of those little girls over the chairs.
- I gotta go to the bathroom.
- I'm a married woman!
Just show him the spoons.
And you don't want to
put nothing up me?
Mrs. Meyer, you read my mind.
Yes, another convert
for the Protestants.
But despite Luther's efforts to
promote the idea of sex for pleasure...
children multiplied everywhere.
And spotteth twice they the
camels before the third hour.
And so the Midianites
went forth to Ram Gilead...
in Kadesh Bilgemath...
by Shor Ethra Regalion...
to the house of
Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda,
he who brought the butter dish
to Balshazar...
and the tent peg
to the house of Rashomon...
and there, slew they the goats,
yea, and placed they the bits
in little pots.
Here endeth the lesson.
Let us praise God.
O Lord.
O Lord.
Ooh, You are so big.
Ooh, You are so big.
So absolutely huge.
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell You.
Gosh, we're all really
impressed down here, I can tell You.
Forgive us, O Lord, for this,
our dreadful toadying.
And barefaced flattery.
But You're so strong...
and, well, just so super.
Fantastic.
- Amen, reverend.
- Amen.
Now two boys have been found
rubbing linseed oil...
into the school cormorant.
Now some of you may feel that the cormorant
does not play an important part...
in the life of the school,
but I would remind you...
that it was presented to us by the
corporation of the town of Sudbury...
to commemorate Empire Day,
when we try to remember...
the names of all those
from the Sudbury area...
who so gallantly
gave their lives...
to keep China British.
So from now on, the cormorant is
strictly out of bounds!
Oh, and, Jenkins,
apparently, your mother
died this morning.
Chaplain.
O Lord, please
don't burn us
Don't grill
or toast your flock
Don't put us
on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock
Don't braise or bake
or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok
Oh, please don't
lightly poach us
Or baste us
with hot fat
Don't fricassee
or roast us
Or boil us in a vat
And please don't stick
thy servants, Lord
In a rotissomat
He's coming!
All right, settle down,
settle down.
Now, before I begin the lesson,
will those of you...
who are playing in the match this
afternoon move your clothes down...
onto the lower peg immediately after lunch,
before you write your letter home,
if you're not getting your hair cut,
unless you've got a younger brother...
who's going out this weekend as the
guest of another boy, in which case,
collect his note before lunch, put it
in your letter after your haircut...
and make sure he moves your clothes
onto the lower peg for you.
- Now... Yes, Wymer?
- Sir?
My younger brother's going out
with Dibble this weekend, sir,
but I'm not having my hair cut today,
so do I move my clothes...
I do wish you'd listen, Wymer.
It's perfectly simple.
If you're not getting your hair cut, you
don't have to move your brother's clothes.
You simply collect his note before lunch,
after you've done your scripture prep,
when you've written your letter home before
rest, move your own clothes onto the lower peg,
greet the visitors and report to Mr. Viney
that you've had your chit signed.
Now, sex.
Sex, sex, sex.
Where were we?
Well, had I got as far as...
the penis entering the vagina?
- No, sir.
- No, sir. No, sir.
Well, had I done foreplay?
- Yes, sir.
- Well, as we all know all about foreplay,
no doubt you can tell me
what the purpose of foreplay is.
Biggs.
Don't know.
Sorry, sir.
- Carter?
- Oh, was it taking your clothes off, sir?
Well, and after that?
Oh, putting them on a lower peg, sir.
The purpose of foreplay is to cause
the vagina to lubricate...
so that the penis
can penetrate more easily.
Could we have a window
open, please, sir?
Yes. Harris, will you? And, of course,
to cause the man's penis to erect...
and har... den.
Now, did I do
vaginal juices last week?
Oh, do pay attention, Wadsworth! I know it's
Friday. Oh, watching the football, are you?
Boy, move over there.
I'm warning you.
I may decide to set
an exam this term.
- Oh, sir!
- Sir!
So just listen.
Now did I or did I not...
do vaginal juices?
Yes, sir.
Name two ways of getting them
flowing, Watson.
Rubbing the clitoris, sir?
What's wrong with a kiss, boy?
Why not start her off with a nice kiss?
You don't have to go leaping straight
for the clitoris like a bull at a gate.
Give her a kiss, boy.
- Suck the nipple, sir?
- Good, good. Well done, Wymer.
- Stroking the thighs, sir?
- Yes, yes.
- I suppose so.
- Biting the neck.
Yes, good.
Nibbling the earlobe,
kneading the buttocks
and so on and so forth.
So we have
all these possibilities...
before we stampede
towards the clitoris, Watson.
Yes, sir.
Sorry, sir.
Now, all these forms
of stimulation...
can now take place.
And, of course, tonguing will give you
the best idea...
of how the juices
are coming along.
Helen? Now,
penetration and coitus...
that is to say intercourse
up to and including orgasm.
Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when
my wife enters the room, Carter.
- Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.
- Humphrey, I hope you don't mind.
I told the Garfields we would dine
with them tonight.
- Yes, well, I suppose we must.
- I said we'd be there by 8:00.
At least it'll give me a reason to
wind up the staff meeting.
I know you don't like them, but
I couldn't make another excuse.
It's just that I felt...
Wymer!
This is for your benefit.
Would you kindly wake up?
I've no intention of going
through this all again.
We'll take the foreplay as read,
if you don't mind, dear.
No, of course not, Humphrey.
So, the man starts by entering or
mounting his good lady wife...
in the standard way.
The penis is now, as you will
observe, more or less fully erect.
There we are.
That's better.
Now... Carter.
- Yes, sir?
- What is it?
- It's an ocarina, sir.
- Bring it up here.
The man now starts making thrusting
movements with his pelvic area,
moving the penis up and down
inside the vagina...
Put it there, boy.
Put it there on the table.
while the wife maximizes her clitoral
stimulation by the shaft of the penis...
by pushing forward.
Thank you, dear. Now, as
the sexual excitement mounts...
What's funny, Biggs?
Oh, nothing, sir.
Do, please, share your little joke
with the rest of us.
I mean, obviously, something
frightfully funny's going on.
No, honestly, sir.
Well, as it's so funny, I think you'd better
be selected to play for the boys' team...
in the rugby match against the masters
this afternoon.
Oh, no, sir!
Come on, Buster!
Well played, well played.
Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters,
you take the buggers on the left flank.
- Hordern, Spadger and I will go for the gun post.
- Hang on, 68.
- You'll never make it, sir. Let us come with you.
- Do as you're told, man.
Righto, Skipper.
Oh, sir, sir?
If we don't meet again, sir,
I'd just like to say it's been a real
privilege fighting alongside you, sir.
Yes, well, this is hardly the time
or place for a good-bye speech, eh?
Me and the lads realize that, sir, but,
well, we may never meet again, so...
- Yes, all right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot.
- No, just a moment, sir.
Me and the lads, we've had
a little whip-around, sir.
We've bought you something, sir.
We bought you this.
Oh, well, it...
I don't know what to say.
It's... It's a lovely thought.
Thank you. Thank you all.
But I think we'd better
get to cover...
We've got something else
for you as well, sir.
Sorry it's another clock, sir,
only there was a bit of a mix-up.
Walters thought he was buyin' a present, and
Spadger and I had already got the other one.
Well, it's beautiful.
They're both beautiful.
I think we'd better get to cover now.
I'll thank you properly later on.
Corporal Sturridge got this for you as
well, sir. He didn't know about the others.
- It's Swiss.
- Well, now, that is thoughtful, Sturridge.
- Good man.
- There's a card, sir.
From all of us.
Sorry about the blood, sir.
- Thank you all.
- Squad! Three cheers for Captain Biggs.
- Hip, hip.
- Hooray!
- Hip, hip...
- Blackitt! Blackitt!
I'll be all right, sir.
There's just one other thing, sir.
- Spadger, give him the check.
- Oh, yeah.
This is really going too far.
I don't seem to be able to find it, sir.
Be in number four trench.
For Christ's sake, forget it, man.
You shouldn't have said that, sir.
- You've hurt his feelings.
- Don't mind me, Spadge.
Toffs is all the same. One minute,
it's all please and thank you.
- The next, they'll kick you in the teeth.
- Yeah.
- Let's not give him the cake.
- I don't want any cake.
Look. Blackitt cooked it especially
for you, you bastard.
He saved his rations
for six weeks, sir.
- I don't mean to be ungrateful.
- I'll be all right...
Blackie! Blackie!
Look at him! He worked on that cake
like no one else I've ever known.
Some nights it was so cold we could hardly
move, but Blackitt'd be out there,
slicing the lemons,
mixing the sugar and almonds.
I mean, you try getting butter to melt
at 15 degrees below zero.
There's love in that cake, this man's
love and this man's care and...
- Oh, my Christ!
- You bastard.
All right, we will eat the cake.
They're right.
It's too good a cake
not to eat.
- Get the plates and knives, Walters.
- Yes, sir. How many plates?
Six.
- Oh, better make it five.
- Tablecloth, sir?
Yes, get the tablecloth.
No, no,
I'll get the tablecloth.
You better get the gate-leg table,
Hordern.
And the little lamp, sir?
Yes, and while you're at it,
you'd better get a doily.
- I'll bring two, sir, in case one gets crumpled.
- Okay!
But, of course, warfare isn't all fun.
Right. Stop that.
It's all very well
to laugh at the military,
but when one considers
the meaning of life,
it is a struggle between alternative
viewpoints of life itself.
Without the ability to defend
one's own viewpoint...
against other perhaps more
aggressive ideologies,
then reasonableness and moderation
could quite simply disappear.
That is why we'll always need an army.
May God strike me down
were it to be otherwise.
Don't stand there gawping...
like you've never seen
the hand of God before!
Now, today we're going to do
marching up and down the square.
That is, unless any of you
got anything better to do.
Well?
Anyone got anything
they'd rather be doing...
than marchin'
up and down the square?
Yes! Atkinson.
What would you rather be doing,
Atkinson?
Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd
rather be home with the wife and kids.
Would you now?
- Yes, Sarge.
- Right, off you go.
Now...
everybody else happy
with my little plan...
of marching up and down
the square a bit?
- Sarge?
- Yes?
- I've got a book I'd quite like to read.
- Go read your book then.
Now!
Everybody else quite content
to join in...
with my little scheme...
of marchin'
up and down the square?
Sarge?
Yes, Wyclif, what is it?
Well, I'm learning the piano.
Learning the piano?
- Yes, Sarge.
- And I suppose...
you want to go practice, eh?
Marchin' up and down the square
not good enough for you, eh?
- Well...
- Right, off you go!
Now, what about the rest of you?
Rather be at the pictures,
I suppose.
All right, off you go!
Bloody army. I don't know
what it's coming to.
Right. Sergeant Major marching
up and down the square.
Left, right, left...
Democracy and humanitarianism have always
been trademarks of the British Army...
Rubbish!
And have stamped its triumph in the
furthest-flung corners of the Empire.
It is worth reminding ourselves
that without war...
there would have been little
or no development...
of small, pre-packed cheeses...
no great leap forward
in the building trade...
no holiday camps,
no drip-dry shirts...
All these things,
and other things too...
are byproducts of war.
But, in the great fight
for these byproducts of war...
perhaps no army has shown
more courage, valour...
and tenacity
than the British Army...
which went selflessly
to the four corners of the globe...
to defend a civilization
and empire...
a way of life that was truly...
the greatest achievement...
of the genius of the British people.
But no matter where or when
there was fighting to be done,
it has always been the calm
leadership of the officer class...
that has made the British Army
what it is.
Excuse me.
- Morning, Ainsworth.
- Morning, Pakenham.
- Sleep well?
- Not bad, bitten to shreds though.
Must be that hole in
the bloody mosquito net.
Yes, savage little
blighters, aren't they?
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes, Chadwick?
I'm afraid Perkins got rather badly
bitten during the night.
- Well, so did we.
- Yes, but I do think doctor ought to see him.
- Well, go and fetch him then.
- Right you are, sir.
Suppose I'd better go along.
Coming, Pakenham?
Yes, I suppose so.
- Here now.
- Come on, boy.
Morning, Perkins.
- Morning, sir.
- What's all the trouble then?
Bitten, sir.
During the night.
Whole leg gone, eh?
- Yes.
- How's it feel?
- Stings a bit.
- Well, it would, wouldn't it?
That's quite a bite
you've got there.
Yes, a real beauty, isn't it?
- Any idea how it happened?
- None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me.
Woke up just now
one sock too many.
- You must have a hell of a hole in your net.
- We've sent for the doctor.
- Hardly worth it, is it?
- Oh, yes, better safe than sorry.
- Yes. Good Lord, look at this.
- By Jove! That's enormous.
- You don't think it'll come back, do you?
- For more, you mean?
Yes.
You're right. We'd better
get this stitched.
- Right.
- Hello, Doc!
Morning. I came as fast as I could.
Is something up?
Yes. During the night, old Perkins
got his leg bitten sort of off.
Oh, yeah,
been in the wars, have we?
- Yes.
- Any headache? Bowels all right?
Well, let's have a look at this
one leg of yours then, eh?
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well,
this is nothing to worry about.
- Oh, good.
- There's a lot of it about, probably a virus.
Keep warm, plenty of rest and if
you're playing football or anything,
try and favour the other leg.
- Oh, righto.
- As right as rain in a couple of days.
Oh, thanks for
the reassurance, Doc.
Not at all.
That's what I'm here for.
- Any other problems I can reassure you about?
- No, I'm fine.
Jolly good.
Well, must be off.
So it'll just grow back again
then, will it?
I think I'd better come clean
with you about this.
It's...
It's not a virus, I'm afraid.
You see, a virus is what we doctors
call very, very small...
so small it could not possibly
have made off with a whole leg.
What we're looking for and this is
no more than an educated guess...
is some multi-cellular
life-form...
with stripes, huge, razor-sharp
teeth, about 11 foot long...
and of the genus Felis Horribilis...
what we doctors, in fact,
call a tiger.
A tiger?
A tiger?
A tiger in Africa?
A tiger in Africa!
- Well, it's probably escaped from a zoo.
- Doesn't sound very likely to me.
Sir! Sir! Sir!
- The attack's over, sir. The Zulus are retreating.
- Oh, jolly good.
Quite a lot of casualties, sir.
C-division wiped out. Signals gone.
- Thirty men killed in F-section.
- Yes, I see.
- I should think about 150 men altogether, sir.
- Jolly good.
I haven't got the final figures, but there's
a lot of seriously wounded in the compound...
Yes, well, the thing is, Sergeant,
I've got a bit of a problem here.
One of the officers
has lost a leg.
- Oh, no, sir!
- I'm afraid so.
- Probably a tiger.
- In Africa?
The M.O. says we can
stitch it back on...
if we can find it
immediately.
- Right, sir. I'll organize a party.
- It's hardly the time for that, Sergeant.
- A search party.
- Much better idea.
Sorry about the mess, sir. We'll try and
get it cleared up by the time you get back.
- We showed 'em, didn't we, sir?
- Yes.
Here. We got a search party.
Leave that alone.
All this killing, bloodshed...
Bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?
Yes, very good.
- Morning, sir.
- Nasty wound you've got there, fella.
Thank you very much, sir.
Come on, Private.
Making up a search party.
Better than staying home, isn't it? I mean,
at home if you kill someone, they arrest you.
Here, they give you a gun
and show you what to do, sir.
I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers,
sir. At home, they'd hang me.
Here, they'll give me
a fucking medal, sir.
- Sorry, sir.
- Thank you, Sergeant Major.
Look!
My God! It's huge!
Don't shoot. Don't shoot.
We're not a tiger.
We were just...
Why are you dressed
as a tiger?
Oh, why, why, why?
Isn't it a lovely day today?
- Answer the question.
- Oh, we were just...
Well, actually, we're
dressed like this because...
Oh, no, that's not it.
Oh, we did it for a laugh.
Part of a spree. High spirits.
- Simple as that.
- Nothing more to it.
Well, actually, we're on a mission
for British Intelligence.
There's a pro-czarist
Ashanti chief...
- No, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. We're doing it
for an advertisement.
That's it.
Forget about the Russians.
We're doing an advert
for Tiger Brand Coffee.
Tiger Brand Coffee is a real treat.
Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat.
- Now, look...
- All right, all right.
We are dressed as a tiger because
he had an auntie who did it in 1839.
- And this is her 50th anniversary.
- No, we're doing it for a bet.
- God told us to do it.
- To tell the truth, we are completely mad.
We're inmates of a Bengali
psychiatric institution,
and we escaped by making this skin
out of old used cereal packets.
- It doesn't matter!
- What?
It doesn't matter why they're dressed
as a tiger. Have they got my leg?
Good thinking.
Well, have you?
- Actually...
- Yes?
It's because we were thinking
of training as taxidermists.
We wanted to get the feel of it
from the animal's point of view.
Be quiet!
Now look, we're just asking you
if you've got this man's leg.
- A wooden leg?
- No, no, a proper leg.
He was fast asleep, and someone
or something came in and removed it.
Without waking him up?
- Yes.
- I don't believe you.
We found the tiger skin
in a bicycle shop in Cairo.
- The owner wanted it taken to Dar Es Salaam...
- Shut up!
Now look, have you or have you not
got his leg?
- Yes.
- No. No, no, no, no.
- Why did you say yes?
- I didn't.
I'm not talking to you.
Right. Search the thicket.
Oh, come on. Do we look like the sort of
chaps who'd creep into a camp at night,
steal into someone's tent,
anaesthetize them, tissue-type them,
amputate a leg
and run away with it?
Search the thicket.
Oh, leg! You're looking
for a leg!
Actually, I think there is one
in there somewhere.
Somebody must have abandoned it here,
knowing you were coming after it.
We stumbled across it actually.
They'll be miles away by now.
We'll have to take
all the blame.
Hello, good evening and welcome
to The Middle of the Film.
Hello, and welcome to
The Middle of the Film,
the moment where we take a break to invite
you, the audience, to join us, the filmmakers,
in Find the Fish.
We're going to show you
a scene from another film...
and ask you to guess
where the fish is.
But if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves.
Yell out so that all the cinema can hear you.
So here we are with Find the Fish.
I wonder where that fish has gone.
You did love it so.
You looked after it like a son.
And it went wherever I did go.
- Is it in the cupboard?
- Yes! No!
Wouldn't you like to know?
It was a lovely little fish.
And it went wherever I did go.
- It's behind the sofa!
- Where can that fish be?
Have you thought of the
drawers in the bureau?
It is a most elusive fish.
And it went wherever I did go.
Oh, fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish.
Fish, fish, fishy, oh!
Oh, fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish!
That went wherever I did go.
- Look up his trunk!
- Yeah! It's in his trousers!
- That was terrific!
- Great! Yeah!
- Best bit so far.
- Fantastic! Really great!
Really risky, yeah.
They haven't said much about the
meaning of life so far, have they?
- Well, it's been building up to it.
- Has it?
Yeah, I expect
they'll get onto it now.
Personally, I doubt they're going to say
anything about the meaning of life at all.
- Oh, come on. They've gotta say something.
- They're bound to.
Yeah.
- What do you think the next bit will be?
- Caption, I expect.
What, about the next stage of life, you mean?
Oh, yeah. Here we go.
Could have guessed it.
What a wonderful room.
Right. Real homey.
Yeah.
Could we have our cases
down here, please, Ricky?
- Cheapskate.
- Thank you.
- Isn't he cute?
- Sure is.
Look at this, darling.
That's wonderful.
I love snowscapes.
- Me too.
- Me too.
Well, guess I could use
a bath...
and freshen up a little.
Then maybe we could go explore.
That's a real good idea.
I'm gonna just empty out
the contents of my bag...
and have a look
through them, okay?
Yeah. Great idea.
Great.
- Feeling better, honey?
- Yeah.
That's good.
Well, what's in your handbag
today, honey?
Oh, just the usual thing.
Powder case, lipstick...
some packets of gum,
hairbrush...
diary, 38 tampons...
Thirty-eight tampons?
I was just signing my name in...
and the girl said to me,
how old are you?
And I said, I'm 46.
And she said,
are you still menstruating?
- And I said, sure.
- Right.
So she gave me a couple
of these little boxes...
courtesy of the Super Inn.
Aren't they cute?
Have a nice month.
Oh, that's real good.
- I really love this hotel, Marvin.
- Me too.
Oh, that's much better.
Thank you, honey.
Everything was a little bit
misty before.
Hi. How are you?
- Oh, we're just fine.
- That's good.
How's the cholera problem
coming on?
Just fine.
I think we got it licked.
Oh, that's great. It's a real
nasty thing to have happen in a hotel.
Right. Cholera is no fun.
Did you know
in the 19th century...
cholera accounted for
over 12 million deaths in Europe alone?
- Is that so?
- Right.
So you can see how keen we are
to get it around here.
Right now we need cholera
like a hole in the head.
Right.
So, what kind of food would
you like to eat tonight?
Well, we sort of like pineapple.
Yes, we love pineapples.
Anything with pineapple in's
great for us.
Well, why not the dungeon room?
Oh, that sounds fine.
Sure is.
It's real Hawaiian food...
served in an authentic medieval
English dungeon atmosphere.
Oh, it sounds wonderful.
Hello, I'm Diana.
I'm your waitress for tonight.
Where're you from?
- We're from room 259.
- Where are you from?
I'm from out those doors
over there.
Great.
- Ice water?
- Thank you.
- Coffee?
- Thank you very much.
- Ketchup?
- Oh, lovely, real nice.
- TV?
- Oh, that's fine.
- That's swell.
- Yeah.
- Telephone.
- A telephone?
You can phone any other table
in the restaurant after 6:00.
Oh, that's great.
- Some choice.
- Yeah, right.
Okay. Do you want
any food with your meal?
Well, what do you have?
Well, we have things shaped
like this in green...
or things shaped like that
in brown.
What do you think, darling?
Well, it is our anniversary, Marvin.
Yeah, what the hell.
We'll have a couple of things...
shaped like that in brown,
please.
Okay, fine.
Thank you, sir.
Two brown.
Number 259.
And will you be
having intercourse tonight?
Do we have to decide now?
Sounds a good idea, honey.
I mean, it sounds swell.
Why not?
Yeah, right.
Could be fun.
Compliments of the Super Inn.
Have a nice fuck.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Super Inn Skins.
Isn't this nice?
- Take a little Kodak.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Good evening. Would you care
for something to talk about?
Oh, that would be wonderful.
Our special tonight is minorities.
Oh, that sounds real
interesting.
- What's this conversation here?
- That's football.
You can talk about the
Steelers-Bears game Saturday...
or you could reminisce about
really great World Series.
- No, no, no.
- What is this one here?
- That's philosophy.
- Is that a sport?
No, it's more of an attempt...
to construct a viable hypothesis
to explain the meaning of life.
- What was that?
- What's he saying?
Oh, that sounds wonderful. Would you like
to talk about the meaning of life, darling?
Sure. Why not?
- Philosophy for two?
- Right.
- Room?
- 259.
- 259.
- Yeah, how do we...
- Oh, you folks want me to start you off?
- We'd appreciate that.
Okay! Well, look.
Have you ever wondered
just why you're here?
Well, we went to Miami last year
and California the year before...
No, no, no. I mean, why we're
here, on this planet.
No.
Right. You ever wanted to know
what it's all about?
Nope.
Righty-ho! Well...
See, throughout history, there've
been certain men and women...
who've tried to find the solution
to the mysteries of existence.
- Great!
- And we call these guys philosophers.
And that's what
we're talking about.
- Right!
- Oh, that's neat.
Well, you look you're getting the idea, so
why don't I give you these conversation cards.
They'll tell you a little about philosophical
method, names of famous philosophers.
- There you are. Have a nice conversation.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- He's cute.
- Yeah, real understanding.
I never knew Schopenhauer was
a philosopher.
Oh, yeah. He's the one
that begins with an S.
Like Nietzsche.
Does Nietzsche
begin with an S?
There's an S
in Nietzsche.
Oh, well, yes, there is.
Do all philosophers
have an S in them?
Yeah, I think most of them do.
Does that mean Selina Jones is
a philosopher?
Yeah! Right! She could be.
She sings about
the meaning of life.
Yeah. That's right, but I don't think
she writes her own material.
No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer
writes her material.
No. Burt Bacharach
writes it.
There's no S
in Burt Bacharach.
Or in Hal David.
Who's Hal David?
He writes the lyrics.
Burt just writes the tunes.
Only now, he's married
to Carol Bayer Sager.
Waiter?
This conversation isn't very good.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We do have
one today that's not on the menu.
It's sort of a specialty of the house,
you know? Live organ transplants.
Live organ transplants?
What's that?
Don't worry, dear.
I'll get it.
- Yes?
- Hello. Can we have your liver?
- My what?
- Your liver.
It's a large glandular organ
in your abdomen.
You know, it's reddish-brown,
sort of...
Yeah, yeah, I know what it is,
but I'm using it.
- Come on, sir. Don't muck us about.
- Hey, hey, hey!
Hello!
- What's this then?
- A liver donor's card.
- Need we say more?
- No.
Listen, I can't give it you now.
It says in the event of death.
No one has ever had their liver
taken out by us and survived.
Just lie there, sir.
It won't take a minute.
- Here. What's going on?
- He's donating his liver, madam.
Is this because he took out
one of those silly cards?
- That's right, madam.
- Typical of him.
He goes down to
the public library,
sees a few signs up,
comes home all full
of good intentions.
He gives blood, does cold research,
all that sort of thing.
What do you do
with them all anyway?
They all go to
saving lives, madam.
That's what he used to say.
It's all for the good of the country,
he used to say.
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
I wouldn't know about that, madam.
We're just doing our jobs, you know?
You're not doctors then?
Oh, blimey, no.
Mum, Dad, I'm off out now.
- I'll see you about 7:00?
- Righto, son.
Look after yourself.
You fancy a cup of tea?
Oh, well, that'd be very nice.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, madam.
I thought she'd never ask.
You do realize...
he has to be, well, dead
by the terms of the card...
before he donates his liver.
Well, I told him that, but he
never listens to me, silly man.
I mean, I was wonderin'...
Well, you know, what you was
thinkin' of doin' after that.
I mean...
Will you stay on your own?
Or is there, well,
someone else, sort of...
on the horizon?
I'm too old for that sort of thing.
I'm past my prime.
Not at all.
Very attractive woman.
Well, I'm certainly not thinking
of getting hitched up again.
- Sure?
- Sure.
- Can we have your liver then?
- I would be scared.
All right.
I'll tell you what.
Listen to this.
Whenever life gets you
down, Mrs. Brown
And things seem
hard or tough
And people are stupid,
obnoxious or daft
And you feel
that you've had
Quite enough
Just remember
that you're standing
On a planet
that's evolving
And revolving at
900 miles an hour
It's orbiting at 19 miles a second
so it's reckoned
A sun that is the source
of all our power
The sun and you and me and all
the stars that we can see
Are moving
at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour
Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way
Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars
It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side
It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick
But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wide
We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central point
We go round
every 200 million years
And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions
In this amazing
and expanding universe
The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expanding
In all of the directions
it can whizz
As fast as it can go the speed
of light you know
Twelve million miles a minute and
that's the fastest speed there is
So remember when you're feeling
very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely
is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent
life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all
down here on earth
Makes you feel so...
sort of insignificant, doesn't it?
Yeah. Yeah.
Can we have your liver then?
- Yeah, all right. You talked me into it.
- Eric!
Which brings us, once again,
to the urgent realization...
of just how much there is
still left to own.
Item six on the agenda.
The Meaning of Life.
Now, Harry, you've had
some thoughts on this.
I've had a team working on this over
the past few weeks,
and what we've come up with can be
reduced to two fundamental concepts.
One, people are not
wearing enough hats.
Two, matter is energy.
In the universe, there are many energy
fields which we cannot normally perceive.
Some energies have
a spiritual source...
which act upon a person's soul.
However, this soul
does not exist ab initio...
as orthodox Christianity teaches.
It has to be brought
into existence...
by a process of guided
self-observation.
However, this is rarely achieved owing
to man's unique ability...
to be distracted from spiritual
matters by everyday trivia.
What was that about hats again?
- Oh, people aren't wearing enough.
- Is this true?
Certainly. Hat sales have increased,
but not pari passu, as our research...
When you say enough,
enough for what purpose?
Can I just ask, with reference to
your second point,
when you say souls don't develop because
people become distracted...
Has anyone noticed
that building there before?
- What?
- Good Lord!
Good Lord!
The Crimson Permanent Assurance!
We interrupt this film to apologize
for this unwarranted attack...
by the supporting feature.
Luckily, we have been prepared
for this eventuality...
and are now taking steps
to remedy it.
Thank you.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Here's a little number I tossed off
recently in the Caribbean.
Isn't it awfully nice
to have a penis
Isn't it frightfully good
to have a dong
It's swell to have a stiffy,
it's divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger
to the world's biggest prick
So three cheers for your Willy
or John Thomas
Hooray for your
one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork, your wife's
best friend, your percy or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
you can slip it in your sock
But don't take it out in public
or they will stick you in the dock
And you won't come back
Thank you very much.
Oh, what a frightfully witty song.
So clever.
- Jolly good.
- Marvellous.
Oh, shit!
It's Mr. Creosote!
- Good afternoon, sir, how are we today?
- Better.
- Better?
- Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.
Gaston? A bucket for monsieur.
There we are, monsieur.
- Merci, Gaston.
- I haven't finished.
Oh, pardon!
Gaston?
A thousand pardons,
monsieur.
Now, this afternoon, we have monsieur's
favourite, the jugged hare.
The hare is very high,
and the sauce is very rich,
with truffles, anchovies,
Grand Marnier, bacon and cream.
- Thank you, Gaston.
- There's still more.
Allow me.
A new bucket for monsieur.
And the cleaning woman.
Et maintenant, would monsieur care
for an aperitif...
or would he prefer
to order straightaway?
Today, we have for appetizers,
excuse me...
moules marinières, pâté de
foie gras, beluga caviar,
eggs Benedictine, tarte de
poireaux, that's leek tart...
frogs' legs amandine or oeufs
de caille Richard Shepherd...
C'est à dire, little quails' eggs on
a bed of pureed mushrooms.
It's very delicate,
very succulent.
I'll have the lot.
A wise choice, monsieur.
And now, how would you like it served?
All mixed up together
in a bucket?
Yeah. With the eggs on top.
- But of course. Avec des oeufs frites.
- Don't skimp on the pâté.
Oh, monsieur, I assure you, just because
it is mixed up with all the other things,
we would not dream of giving you
less than the full amount.
In fact, I will personally make sure
you have a double helping.
Maintenant, quelque chose à boire.
Something to drink, monsieur?
Yeah, I'll have six bottles
of Château Latour '45...
- '45.
- And a double Jeroboam of champagne.
Bon. And the usual brown ales?
Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think
I could only manage six crates today.
I hope monsieur was not
overdoing it last night.
- Shut up!
- D'accord.
The new bucket
and the cleaning woman.
Is there something
wrong with the food?
No, the food was excellent.
- Perhaps you're not happy with the service?
- No, no complaints.
It's just that we have to go.
I'm having rather a heavy period.
And we have a train to catch.
Oh, yes, of course.
We have a train to catch.
And I don't want to start bleeding
all over the seats.
- Madam?
- Perhaps we should be going?
Very well, monsieur.
Thank you so much.
So nice to see you, and I hope very
much we will see you again very soon.
Au revoir, monsieur.
Oh, dear. I have trodden
in monsieur's bucket.
Another bucket
for monsieur!
And perhaps a hose.
Oh, Max. Really!
Finally, monsieur,
a wafer-thin mint.
Oh, sir, it's only
a tiny, little thin one.
- No, fuck off. I'm full.
- Oh, sir.
It's only wafer-thin.
Look, I couldn't eat another thing.
I'm absolutely stuffed.
- Bugger off.
- Oh, sir, just, just one.
- Oh, just one.
- Just the one, monsieur.
Voilà.
Bon appétit.
Thank you, monsieur,
and now, here's your check.
You know, Maria,
I sometimes wonder...
if we'll ever discover
the meaning of it all...
working in a place like this.
Well, I've worked in worse places,
philosophically speaking.
- Really, Maria?
- Yes.
I used to work
in the Académie Française,
but it didn't do me
any good at all.
I once worked in the library
in the Prado in Madrid,
but it didn't teach me nothin',
I recall.
And the Library of Congress you'd have
thought would hold some key,
but it didn't, and neither did
the Bodleian Library.
In the British Museum,
I hoped to find some clue.
I worked there from 9:00 'til 6:00,
read every volume through,
but it didn't teach me nothing
about life's mystery.
I just kept getting older,
and it got more difficult to see.
'Til eventually, me eyes went, and
me arthritis got bad.
So now, I'm
cleaning up in here.
But I can't be really sad...
'cause you see,
I feel that life's a game.
You sometimes win or lose,
and though I may be
down right now,
at least I don't work
for Jews.
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea we had
a racist working here.
I apologize
most sincerely.
I mean...
Where are you going?
No, I can explain...
Oh, quel dommage.
As for me...
If you want to know
what I think...
I'll show you something.
- Come with me.
- I was saying that...
- Hello?
- Come on.
Hello?
- Hello!
- This way.
Come on. Don't be shy.
Mind the stairs, all right?
I think this will help explain.
Come along. Come along.
Over here.
Come on. Come on.
This way.
Come on.
This way.
Stay by me, huh?
Nearly there now.
You see that?
That's where I was born.
You know, one day,
my mother,
she put me on her knee
and she said to me,
Gaston, my son,
the world is a beautiful place.
You must go into it
and love everyone.
Try to make everyone happy and
bring peace and contentment...
everywhere you go.
So I became a waiter.
Well, it's not much
of a philosophy, I know.
Well, fuck you.
I can live my own life
in my own way if I want to.
Fuck off.
Don't come followin' me!
This man is about to die.
In a few moments now,
he will be killed,
for Arthur Jarrett
is a convicted criminal...
who has been allowed to choose
the manner of his own execution.
There he is!
Arthur Charles Herbert
Runcie MacAdam Jarrett,
you have been convicted
by 12 good persons, and true,
of the crime of first degree making
of gratuitous sexist jokes...
in a moving picture.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
It's no good.
I just can't go on.
I'm no good anymore.
I want to end it all!
Good-bye!
Good-bye!
Oh, my God!
Oh, no! I...
What'll I do?
I can't live without him!
I...
Mummy!
Mum, where are you?
Daddy?
Mummy?
Mummy?
Yes?
Is it about the hedge?
Well, I'm awfully sorry, but...
I am the Grim Reaper.
- Who?
- The Grim Reaper.
- Yes, I see.
- I am Death.
Yes, well, the thing is, we've got some
people from America for dinner tonight...
- Who is it, darling?
- It's a Mr. Death or something.
He's come about the reaping?
I don't think we need any at the moment.
Hello. Don't leave him hanging around
outside, darling. Ask him in.
- I don't think it's quite the moment.
- Do come in. Come along.
Come and have a drink.
Do. Come on.
It's one of the little men
from the village.
Do come in.
Please.
- This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia.
- Hi.
- And his wife, Debbie.
- Hello there.
And these are the Portland Smythes,
Jeremy and Fiona.
- Good evening.
- This is Mr. Death.
- Well, do get Mr. Death a drink, darling.
- Yes.
Mr. Death is a reaper.
The Grim Reaper.
Hardly surprising in this weather.
So you still reap around here,
do you, Mr. Death?
I am the Grim Reaper.
That's about all he says.
There's your drink, Mr. Death.
Do sit down.
We were just talking about some of
the awful problems facing the Third...
Would you prefer white?
I'm afraid we don't have any beer.
The Stilton's awfully good.
I am not...
of this world.
Good Lord.
I am Death.
Well, isn't that extraordinary? We were just
talking about death only five minutes ago.
Yes, we were. You know, whether
death is really the end...
As my husband Howard here feels,
or whether there is...
and one so hates to use words
like soul or spirit...
- What other words can one use?
- Exactly.
You do not understand.
No, obviously not.
- I'll tell you something, Mr. Death...
- You don't...
I'd like to express
on behalf of everybody here...
what a really unique
experience this is.
- Hear, hear.
- Yes, we're so delighted that you dropped in.
- Can I just finish, please?
- Mr. Death.
Is there an afterlife?
Dear, if you could just
wait, please...
Are you sure you wouldn't like
some sherry or...
- Angela, I'd like to say this, please.
- Be quiet!
- Can I just say this at this time, please?
- Silence!
I have come for you.
You mean to...
Take you away.
That is my purpose.
I am Death.
Well, that's cast rather a gloom over
the evening, hasn't it?
I don't see it that way, Geoff.
I think we're dealing with...
a potentially positive learning
experience that can...
Shut up!
Shut up, you American.
You always talk, you Americans.
You talk and you talk
and you say...
Let me tell you something
and I just wanna say this.
Well, you're dead now,
so shut up!
- Dead?
- Dead.
- All of us?
- All of you.
Now look here. You barge in here
quite uninvited, break glasses...
and then announce quite casually
that we're all dead.
Well, I would remind you that
you're a guest in this house...
Be quiet!
Englishmen! You're all
so fucking pompous!
None of you
have got any balls.
- Can I ask you a question?
- What?
How can we all have died
at the same time?
The salmon mousse.
Darling, you didn't use
canned salmon, did you?
I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
Now the time has come.
Follow. Follow me.
Just testing. Sorry.
Follow me. Now.
Come.
The fishmonger promised me
he'd have some fresh salmon.
He's normally so reliable.
- Can we take our glasses?
- Good idea.
Hey! I didn't even eat the mousse.
Honestly, darling,
I'm so embarrassed.
It really is embarrassing. I mean,
to serve salmon with botulism...
at a dinner party is social death.
- Shall we take our cars?
- Why not?
- Good idea.
- Why not?
Behold Paradise.
- I love it here, darling.
- Me too, Marvin.
Hello. Welcome to heaven.
Excuse me. Could you just
sign here, please, sir?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
There's a table for you through there,
in the restaurant.
- For the ladies.
- Afterlife mints.
- Thank you.
- Happy Christmas.
- Oh, is it Christmas today?
- Of course, madam.
It's Christmas every day
in heaven.
- Oh, how 'bout that?
- Lovely.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
It's truly a real honourable experience
to be here this evening,
a very wonderful and warm...
and emotional moment
for all of us.
And I'd like to sing a song...
for all of you.
It's Christmas in heaven,
all the children sing
It's Christmas
in heaven
Hark, hark, those
church bells ring
It's Christmas
in heaven
The snow falls
from the sky
But it's nice and warm
and everyone
Looks smart
and wears a tie
It's Christmas
in heaven
There's great films
on TV
The Sound of Music
twice an hour
And Jaws I, II and III
There's gifts for all
the family
There's toiletries
and trains
There's Sony Walkman
headphone sets
And the latest video games
It's Christmas,
it's Christmas in heaven
Hip, hip, hip, hip,
hip hooray
Every single day
Is Christmas Day
It's Christmas,
it's Christmas in heaven
Hip, hip, hip, hip,
hip hooray
Every single day
is Christ...
Well, that's the end of the film.
Now here's The Meaning of Life.
Thank you, Brigitte.
Well, it's nothing very special. Try and
be nice to people. Avoid eating fat.
Read a good book every now and then.
Get some walking in...
and try and live together in peace and harmony
with people of all creeds and nations.
And finally, here are some completely
gratuitous pictures of penises...
to annoy the censors and to hopefully
spark some sort of controversy,
which is the only way these days to
get the jaded video-sated public...
off their fucking asses
and back in the sodding cinema.
Family entertainment?
Bollocks. What they want is filth...
people doing things to each other with
chain saws during Tupperware parties,
baby-sitters being stabbed with knitting
needles by gay presidential candidates,
vigilante groups strangling chickens,
armed bands of theatre critics
exterminating mutant goats.
Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh, well, there we are.
Here's the theme music.
Good night.
Just remember that you're
standing on a planet
That's evolving and revolving
at 900 miles an hour
It's orbiting at 19 miles
a second, so it's reckoned
A sun that is the source
of all our power
The sun and you and me and all
the stars that we can see
Are moving at
a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour
Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way
Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars
It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side
It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick
But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wide
We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central point
We go round every
200 million years
And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions
In this amazing
and expanding universe
The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expanding
In all of the directions
it can whizz
As fast as it can go at the
speed of light you know
Twelve million miles a minute and
that's the fastest speed there is
So remember when you're feeling
very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely
is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent
life somewhere out in space
'Cause there's bugger all
down here on earth.