The Mad Monk (1993) - full transcript

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Your Highness...

Ministers, why are you mad?

Lady Queen Mother, you go first.

Your Highness, Dragon Fighter Lohan
has stolen the peaches from my peach tree,

and fed them to Niulang's cattle.

Not only that, he also conspired
with the magpies to build a bridge,

for Niulang's rendezvous
with the weaver girl. What the hell!

I mean, they already have
over a dozen kids.

All this time, I've handled
lovers' relationships in the mortal world.

Who would've thought he'd mess it up,

such that the Emperor would woo a whore,



and a princess has to elope with a beggar?

I only reprimanded him gently,

but he cooked and ate my Heavenly Dog.

Now who might you be?

I'm Erlang.

Your Highness, my eye
was also blinded by that bastard.

This is a replacement of my Heavenly Dog.

Law and order must be enforced.

This Dragon Fighter is outrageous.

I hope Your Highness permits me
to beat him up.

God of Fortune, you needn't be that angry.

These are small matters.

He stole my Book of Destiny
and messed it up.

There hasn't been a death in 18 years.



Undertakers are out of work,
and a man lived for centuries.

Your Highness, if you don't
teach him a lesson,

I'll bring this up to the Heavenly Court.

Guards, summon Dragon Fighter
to the palace.

Yes.

Hey! Can't you be more gentle?

I was having an afternoon nap.

Hey, everybody's here.

You're not Dragon Fighter,
you're Tiger Fighter.

It's just the same, Dragon and Tiger.

-Tiger Fighter.
-Yes, Your Highness.

This is none of your business.
Why are you here?

I apologize to all
on behalf of Dragon Fighter.

You speak so loyally,
are you his accomplice?

Not at all.

Do you think an immortal
can get away with everything?

Tiger Fighter,
you really are a busybody,

but I must say, you're a loyal friend.

Thanks...

In this situation,
I think an apology will do.

What? You want to get away so easily?

Who are you to interrupt our conversation?

Kitchen God, each year-end,
you seek advantage in the mortal world.

And if you don't get enough,

-you speak ill of those people. Poke him!
-Poke him!

You just did, don't do it again!

Who are you to poke your nose
in everybody's business?

Outrageous. You better compensate me
for the peaches.

Lady Queen Mother, what's the big deal?

-What?
-Aren't you sick of peaches?

-What?
-You should try bananas instead.

What? Let me know if you're angry.

Don't have your dog bark for you.

Just because he has spots
doesn't mean I won't eat him.

I'll eat him all the same. Who's next?

Who's next? You.

You, God of Love, you tie up a mess
with your broken old strings.

For instance, the Butterfly Lovers,

why not tie them together?

Now they have to die
tragic deaths for love.

What have they done to deserve this?

You're old, you should retire

before you make more mistakes.

Who knows, you may make wacky matches,

even between men and animals.

The worst of all would be
an ant with an elephant.

-Poke him.
-Poke him.

He's old, spare him.

King of Hades,
are you standing up for him?

-Poke him.
-Hey.

Don't start that again,
we should be reasonable.

Why is there a woman in the mortal world
who bore 16 daughters,

and yet you didn't give her a son? Why?

Consequently,
she killed herself in the sea.

Even in hell, he accused her of it

and flung her into hot oil,
frying her into a crisp.

Is there no justice?

Dragon Fighter...

Fainting is of no use.

The fate of people's lives is destined,

and you shouldn't mess around with them.

We're only carrying out orders.

Whose orders?
Who set them?

Who says it must be right?

As the saying goes,
"There are heavens higher than this."

Your Highness, if your rules

were known by Bodhisattva
in the Ninth Heaven,

she'll think this is the joke of a moron.

This is out of line.

Your Highness, immortals,

I think Dragon Fighter Lohan
is just out of control.

For everybody's advantage,
please allow me to fight a duel with him.

What a joke. Can you beat him?

I want to fight him one on one.

-I will not show him mercy.
-That was close.

Listen! Even if the laws of the Heavens
are flawed,

there must be one that you've violated.

Take them to the mortal world.

One shall be a pig, the other a dog.

This shall last for 10 lifetimes.

Wait.

What is it?

Is your word final?

Yes.

I say you'll be a roach, what do you say?

-Take them down.
-What?

Hold on, don't move...

Greetings to Goddess.

Each one of us has been an immortal

for at least 10,000 years.

Worldly affairs to us

are petty and trivial.

The mess that Dragon Fighter Lohan
has caused today

might be an opportunity.

Why not use it
to understand the mortal world?

To see if humans are still
ignorant and foolish,

or if they have progressed.

Goddess of Mercy speaks well.

What a relief...

Goddess, this lad challenges authority
in the name of justice.

Stop speaking nonsense, King of Hades.

Matters will be taken care of.

Dragon Fighter, what's your purpose
in doing such things?

I want these immortals
to get off their high horses

and experience the mortal world.

Humans only live for a few decades.

They shouldn't be condemned
for a mistake or two.

Because, in my opinion,

regardless of how ignorant
and dumb they are,

how worthless and deserving of death,

they are after all...

after all...

-Speak up.
-What?

What I mean is...

Subject to sympathy and love.

Right, Dragon Fighter?

Yes, that's it.

Let's begin with you

going down to the mortal world
to experience it.

What do you say?

In fact, that's what I intend to do.

What proof do you have?

I've picked three people,

whose fates have been sealed.

One will be a beggar for nine lives.

One a prostitute for nine lives.

And one a villain for nine lives.

If you could change their destinies,

then you win.

You said we immortals are bad.

Okay, then.
You'll go as an ordinary human being,

and be prohibited from using your powers.

No powers?

That's right.

Use your sincerity to reform them.

Okay, I will not fail you.

Wait for me.

I'll give you three days.

Thanks. But two and a half days will do.

You don't have to listen to me.

But if you don't do
as I have said today...

SOUTH GATE OF HEAVEN

Don't hope to return to the Heavens.

Firstly, unless you have
the official permit,

you can't enter the Heavens.

Secondly, you can't take
magical powers with you.

Dragon, godspeed.

Same to you.

-Good brothers.
-Good brothers.

What else do you have for me?

You're dead. You can't fight

and can't use your powers,
you're bound to die!

-Thanks!
-You're welcome!

Dragon, you won't die.

When you reincarnated
in the mortal world,

a golden body had been left behind.

Once you combine with it,

you can preserve your physical body

and transmigrate between the mortal
and immortal worlds.

With it, you can also return
to the Heavens.

That's great.

This journey will be filled with danger.

I present you with a Fan of Wishes,

which can only be used thrice each day.

Each time it's used, a crack will appear.

After three times, you'll have to wait
until the next day,

when the cracks disappear,
to use it again.

A mere three times a day,
that's pathetic.

It's better than nothing.

The fan can't change life and death,

nor manipulate free will.

It's just a sleight of hand,

but ordinary mortals are often distracted
by what they see.

So, it will serve you well.

Thank you, Goddess.

Be careful and don't falter in evil ways.

I understand.

Goddess does care much about you.

Without this fan you'd be in deep shit.

-Yes.
-Down you go.

Dragon Fighter.

Did you intentionally
kick him down without the fan?

His Heavenly Highness decreed
it had to be now.

What the...

Are you really doing your job?

-What are you doing here?
-Change of shifts.

Good. Come on, let's get this fan
to Dragon Fighter.

You don't have the approval.

You won't have your magical powers
and humans can't see you.

That's why I let you come with me.

Apart from the Emperor of the Heavens,

you're the only one who can
come and go as you please.

No, this is against heavenly rules.

What heavenly rules? Just do it once.

-We'll be back soon, let's go.
-I'm not going.

You've eaten the Heavenly Dog
cooked by Dragon Fighter,

and you've had two bites
of Lady Queen Mother's peaches.

While Ninth Heaven Fairy's two maids
were bathing,

you had peeped, bastard.

-Stop it...
-Are you a low-life or not?

I knew you won't yield
without a threat.

-Come back early.
-Are you afraid now?

Yes, I'm afraid of you. Satisfied?

GUO CHING TEMPLE

The eighteen Lohans are on both sides.

Dragon Fighter and Tiger Fighter
are on this side.

For a son... you need to pray to
Goddess of Mercy.

Goddess of Mercy,

please help me give birth
to a male child.

I hope Goddess hears my prayer.

I'll be turning 40 next year.

Being an official all these years,

I've been very just
and have a clear conscience.

We don't need to be uptight about it.

You never make demands for anything.

Why did the Heavens destine us to be
without descendants?

Master.

Master.

The eighteen Lohans are on both sides.

Dragon and Tiger Fighter on this side.
To ask for a son...

Master, you've said this already.

-Goodbye...
-We haven't prayed to the gods yet.

Pray...

Dragon Fighter Lohan.

Master, we want...

I know, you want a son, right?

No problem.

I've been pregnant 18 months,
and still no signs of labor.

Don't worry, my dear.

Master, madam, look.

Where did you pluck them?

Over there.

Why is this happening?

Whenever a noble is born,
lingzhi mushrooms will appear.

From the way things look...

Our future young master must be
a man of importance.

The house is now full of mushrooms.

Darling, this child...

Tell him yourself, he's coming out.

Congratulations, madam has given birth.

-Boy or girl?
-It's a boy, congratulations.

Congratulations, Master.

Why have we landed here?
What's this place?

The main street.

Main street? Damn you!

I asked you to take me
to Dragon Fighter's birthplace.

Just a few streets down.

How did we land in the wrong place?

Who asked you to rock so much?

Where's our son?

I don't know either.

Bloody hell. Everyone has a bad stomach

after eating at that restaurant.

That's right.

Could we please use the toilet?
It's urgent.

We only have two, help yourself.

I can't hold it in any longer.

How gentlemanly!

I can't hold it back much longer.

Is this it? Dragon Fighter...

Brother, I've waited for ages.

Not my fault.

This bloody unicorn misled me.

Never mind, take your fan.

-I told you to buy two crickets.
-Hey...

What took you so long?

I hand-picked the best two.

Dragon. Damn, he can't see me.

He is a mortal now.
To make contact with him,

you must reincarnate and become human.

He's now grown,
too late for reincarnation, I guess.

A day in the Heavens
is 10 years on Earth.

But fear not, I can speed it up for you.

-Speed it up?
-But you'll lose your magical powers

and you'll turn into a moron.

What good would that be
even if I can contact him?

Come on! When the dark clouds
cover the moon,

the surveillance in the Heavens
is the weakest.

You could steal back your magical
powers then.

Why are you whispering?
Nobody can hear us.

Pregnant woman.

This one will do.
Here I come.

Be quick.

I'm going to reincarnate.

What a relief. Your turn...

Coming.

Don't go away! Even a granny will do.

Look how bloated I am.

What a relief.

Hey, your tummy...

Damn, I've forgotten the fan, quick...

The baby's out...

So, she's giving birth.

Let's help them.

Is it a boy or a girl, dear?

It's a fan!

I have given birth to a son.

You've given birth? That's great.

Here, wear this girdle quickly.

My son Sau Yuan wore this
when he was a baby.

What's going on?

I don't know either.

It would fit him nicely now.

Let me give him a quick blow.

Again.

Done.

-Demon...
-Run.

Is this some demon or what?

Nonsense. He's just playing
magic tricks with you.

Do you know how to perform magic?

Master, I'll report this to the authority.

What authority? I am the authority.

It's better to let him stay.

Look how cute he is.
He should be a nice baby to look after.

They might come back in the future
to take him back.

Kid?

Beat...

Who are you really? Speak.

I don't have milk.

You must know some magic.
C'mon, teach me.

Milk...

Are you playing dumb with me?

Go and get milk from that lady.

Let's see how long you can pretend.

Milk... no milk.

He's really dumb.

You two conspired to touch my wife.
Do you think it's fun?

Go to hell.

Go on, run.

Brother...

Master, your pay might not be adequate
to sustain him.

I would need to get a part-time job.

Isn't there an orphanage near our home?

I would not do a thing like that.

He's been learning a lot.
Although he has a big appetite,

I have taught him a lot.

He'll soon be independent.

Look.

-What do you call me?
-Abalone.

Abalone comes in pieces,
call me elder brother.

Call her...

Younger brother.

That's not a brother, stupid.

Once again.
He's too young to remember.

Uncle.

Now you've said it right.

Uncle White!

It's affinity, let's just do our best.

You play with him,
I need to read some documents.

I'll do some embroidery, as well.

Tiger Fighter Lohan transfigures.

Dragon.

Brother, where are you?

I don't have much time.
Listen, you're an immortal.

You just don't know it yet

because your Heavenly Crown
is not yet opened.

Remember to stick your head out
when there's thunder,

so that the thunder can strike it open.

Then you'll retrieve your memory.

Who's making all that noise there?
Can't even pee in all that chaos!

Count the bugs.

The bugs fly.

What's up? Must have wet his pants,
let me see.

Fan, fan...

Go away with that dirty fan.

He is hopeless, poor thing.

Fan, fan...

Not this one.

Doctor, please have a look at him.
Does he have a chance?

No.

I see. Just asking, thanks.

Master, Wang Da Fu's having trouble
at home, they're on the way here.

Really? Quick.

Doctor, also...

Stop the finger-pointing, bitch.

You whore.

-What's the matter?
-What a disgrace, what are you wearing?

Stroke during sex.

When's your turn?

Yes, I'm cursing you. So what?

Isn't that Hsiao Yu from
Yi Sheung brothel?

That's her.

Doing such an immoral thing
in broad daylight.

How shameful!

Consider yourselves lucky
to watch this for free.

What's all the complaining about?

What do you want?
Come up if you have guts.

Let's stop and rest for a while.

Why are we stopping? I am in a hurry.

-Luckily that's not me. What a way to die!
-What an unlucky fellow.

Do you like the view?
Come have a closer look.

Who threw this at me?

I did.

Lady, be a bit more decent.

What do you mean, "decent"?

Come to Yi Sheung brothel
when you have time.

Shameless, you'll be struck by thunder.

Come and have fun when you have time.

My words just came true. Good riddance.
Strike her.

Missed by a meter.

Over there, aim accurately, try again.

Dragon Fighter has reincarnated
in the mortal world.

Crazy!

Milk.

Tiger Fighter.

Milk.

You've become like this because
of me.

You're such a loyal friend.

Milk.

What are you doing? Let me go.

A prostitute for nine lifetimes.

You're both women, why fight each other?

She's a whore.

There are patriotic whores.

You're right.

Thanks.

I'll return for you soon.

Hey, what's your name?

A name is just another label,
it doesn't matter.

-Call me whatever you like.
-Big Willy.

She's talking about you. Let's go.

-Food...
-Let's go.

-Food.
-Let's go.

Food.

GUO CHING TEMPLE

Mom... Dad... food... food.

Food.

Food. Food.

Yummy.

It's here.

Friend, I've waited a long time for you.

Who are you?

Earth God. I don't blame you.

Your spirit has not returned.

Don't be frightened.

As long as you get your
golden body back, it's okay.

Also, your golden body
is sought by officials and bandits alike.

Last month, many people came for it.

Are you the Earth God or an extortioner?

The golden body is here.

I am the golden body,
the golden body is me.

It's no use telling me, tell them instead.

You're right.

You've put the heads in the wrong place.

-Really?
-Change them back first.

-What is it?
-Wooden fish.

Fish?

Is this edible?

Master, excuse me, please listen.

-I don't know you.
-Thirteen life cycles ago,

I was a monk in this temple.

Then I became abbot by the eighth life

which was before the golden body
passed away.

I ascended to the Heavens
and became immortal. Follow me.

Guess what happened afterwards?

I became Dragon Fighter Lohan,

which is me. Come here.

I have come down to Earth this time
on a mission.

With regards to what matter it is,
you need not know.

You are at best a common person.

However, considering the time
you've spent here,

you have accumulated some worthiness.

So, addressing you as master
in front of your students

should give you due respect.

C'mon, go get me some clothes to change.

Master, he is mad.

But I liked him
as soon as I laid eyes on him.

-Bring some clothes.
-Yes.

Good child.

You've eaten all of it so quickly?

There's a bigger one outside.

This is my stuff, you can't eat this.

If you have to, then eat the one behind.

Please don't bite.

Master, give me a name
as in the normal procedure.

You are so mad, I'll call you Mad Monk.

Very good.

Help, don't chase me.

Beggar for nine lives.

Don't.

So scary.

Yuan Pa Tien.

Hide quickly.

Yuan is here, hide in my home, quick.

Earth God.

Villain of nine lives.
They are all gathered here.

Help.

I told you not to let me see you.

A mere sight of you makes me so mad.

I don't want you to see me either.

Don't come near.

I wanted to avoid you, but I couldn't.

You can hit my head, but not my back.

I'll burn down the temple,
and see where you can go.

I'll burn you, too, you stinking monk.

How dare you blow out my fire?

You...

Does it hurt?

I want you to know how it feels
to be bullied.

Throw down your sword and become a Buddha.

I won't be mad, I love you.

Be a new person, dear child.

Impossible, damn it.

Go back and think deeply about it.
I'll soon be back for you.

Don't beg anymore, go home with me.

I don't want to...

-What are you afraid of?
-I don't want to go.

Come on.

Brother...

Brother...

Brother, food...

Son, why have you become like this?

I changed my hairstyle. Not bad, huh?

Why is the house like this?

LI SAU YUAN, I SWEAR I'LL KILL
YOUR WHOLE FAMILY

Why mess with a character like
Yuan Pa Tien?

Uncle White!

"Li Sau Yuan, I swear I'll kill
your whole family."

Signed by Yuan Pa Tien.

Master, he killed all our livestock,
even rodents and roaches.

Even a pregnant roach, that's cruel.

Luckily, I went with you to pray
to the gods.

He knows my background so soon. Great!

Unfortunately,
I'm not Li Sau Yuan anymore.

His calligraphy is good.

EARLY AUTUMN, FIRST YEAR

Even the date is written.

He is so organised.

Son, look at the mess here,

yet you're still concerned
with such matters.

Master...

Your dad won't make it.

He's fortunate to have a natural death...

Let me see, he'll be an emperor
in his next life.

Good for him!

Sau Yuan, are you mad, child?

Bingo, my new name is Mad Monk.

Heaven, what has our family done wrong?

Right, if you have done nothing wrong,
you should've died with him.

Madam...

Quick, give her some musk to smell.

Don't move, they're okay.

Don't fiddle and make it worse.

They're indeed a pair,
they even died together.

They'll continue their romance
in the next life.

How admirable!

Young master, what should we do?

It's an auspicious affair,
get a chicken to celebrate.

And you, get an undertaker
to give them a lift.

Go... Quick...

Let's go quickly.

You can't go yet.

You can sleep for a while.

I...

Fan... Fan... Fan...

Fan... Fan... Fan...

Good duckling...

You two have given birth to so many.

Let me eat one.

If you don't shake your head
when I count to three,

that means you consent.

One, two, three.

What the hell?

You again.

-Stealing ducklings? Outrageous.
-Don't come near...

I've asked for their consent.

You did?

-Did he ask you?
-No.

How could a duck speak?

What more do you have to say?

Don't catch me.

Its mother must have seduced a parrot,
that's why she could speak.

Yes, her mother must have done that.

Well, that's their business.

Who asked you to meddle in it? Listen.

As humans, we must have self-respect.

If you want to eat them,
you must get their consent first.

-Who would consent to being eaten?
-Damn.

I want to eat you now.
Whoever is willing can come with me.

I adore you.

You can greet me as "Master."

Master, what can I do for you?

Just let me know.

It's late, you should sleep.

Master, I'm like a pig.

I sleep during the day.

Ta Chung, your father is here for you.

Damn you, my father
has been dead a long time.

See for yourself.

Dad, how are you?

Ta Chung, are you going to listen
to your dad?

Yes.

Then I advise you in dad's name.

Never go begging with that bowl again.

Dad, that's what I thought.
I should get a big bucket to beg.

Damn you.

I only recall dad reprimanding me,

and then he left.

Let's eat something first.

I was thrown out by the people
in this shop before.

So much gold.

Hold them tight.

This way you won't be thrown out.

Sir, please sit.

Stinking monk, get lost.

Please sit, sirs.

Have a seat, I'll get some tea.

What would you like to eat?

Chicken tail.

Chicken tail, my foot.
You have money and respect now.

-You should eat shark's fin.
-That's right.

Order then.

I dare not, you do it.

You lack confidence even in this.

How are you going to be successful?
Summon your courage.

Give me two days to think about it.

Making fun of me? Speak.

A bowl of shark's fin...

Louder, I want everybody to hear.

A bowl of shit...

Not shit, fin.

Don't force me.

Don't be silly! Why would I do that?

Just say it
and everything will be all right.

Do as I say.

I only want to eat chicken tail.

You're not listening.
I insist, say it.

Say, "A bowl of shark's fin
for me, please!"

A bowl of shark's fin for me...

You bastard.

Yummy.

Outrageous!

Ta Chung, I don't want to waste
any more of my breath.

Watch me.

This is who I really am,
Dragon Fighter Lohan.

Ghost!

Stop shouting. A ghost is not like this.

This is what a ghost looks like.

You couldn't have really fainted.

Who kicked my mouth?

Stop playing tricks.

Cover with a sheet and hang two sausages
on your mouth,

just to scare a beggar, are you nuts?

Go to hell.

Don't be so angry...

Let's go. Somebody will fix him one day.

He's nuts, scaring people like this
in broad daylight.

People nowadays
aren't frightened by ghosts.

Ta Chung, you see now?

You're really an immortal?

The real thing. If you have any wish,

I can fulfill them for you,
just let me know.

-I want you to take me to the Heavens.
-What a fantastic wish!

I don't want to be a beggar
here, here or here anymore.

At last, I see that you have dignity.

I want to be an immortal beggar.

There'll be morning orisons tomorrow,
let's rest early.

Master, what should we do
with the beggar outside?

Buddha is merciful
and the temple is to serve people.

Let him spend the night outside.

Food... Food... Food...

-Keep the wooden fish and equipment.
-Okay.

Food...

Fish...

Hurry.

Brother...

I'd rather have barbecued pork
than to have you as a kid.

Barbecued pork?

-Barbecued pork.
-Not me, I stink, I can't be eaten.

Tiger Fighter Lohan transfigures.

Are you trying to violate me?

You scared the piss out of me.

Unicorn, what happened to you?

This is my disguise to hide my identity.
I'm here to bring a message to you.

What's up?

The Heavens know you've come down
to the mortal world,

and have sent Plague God,
spreading disease everywhere.

The scope of the catastrophe,
deaths and injuries alike,

will be your responsibility.

With the amount of evil you've done,

you'll surely be demoted three levels

when you return.

Tiger Fighter, are you awake?

Dragon Fighter, this is not my fault.

Though it might not be your fault,

you know what it's like with the fools
up there.

It matters little if one is downgraded,

but to harm so many lives...

-You're in trouble this time!
-That's right.

What rule is that?

Tell me who ordered to spread the plague.

-A high directive.
-Damn.

Which department?

Tell me, I won't say you told me.

The recreation department.

They are responsible for travels.

They are linked to the finance department.

-The finance department pays salaries.
-That's right.

That's right.

The damn thing is, the finance
and advertising departments

are close as brothers,

while the advertising
and welfare departments

struggle with losing face...

Forget it, Dragon, I'm going up now.

Be careful and take care.

Go up and apologize to see
if there's any remedy.

Take care.

-And the health department, they...
-Let's go.

Anyway, it's chaos, don't you agree?

-A hundred died in one night.
-An evil spirit must be behind this.

Damn beggar! Those huge boils
will kill you sooner or later.

-Wow!
-What?

Yours is even bigger.

Oh, no, I've got the boils...
I'm going to die.

Don't worry, they won't kill you.

Dragon Fighter, Monkey King,
the Supreme is here.

I know there's a plague here,

so I negotiated with the Heavenly Emperor.

He said you should give
a thousand taels of silver,

so that I can perform a rite
and rid you of calamity.

Doing this rite will shorten my life
by 10 years, but I'm willing.

Spreading misleading fallacies,
disturbing my sleep.

-Why... you...
-What?

I do this to save people's lives.

I don't mind even if my life
is shortened by 10 years.

-Still talking?
-What?

It's a big sacrifice.

What sacrifice?

-There's another mark on your face.
-What?

If you speak again, I'll stick your ass
to your mouth.

Only three times a day, you are lucky.

Get someone to be a sacrifice.

-What kind of person should that be?
-Where to find such a person?

One to whom life means nothing.

Where to find?

You can find many at Yi Sheung brothel.

Boss.

What's this lousy bunch doing here
so early?

-Exactly.
-Quick...

Ask them to hand a person over.

Hurry...

What if they won't?

This concerns the safety
of the whole city.

They have no choice.

Let's go in together. Chief, you go first.

Quickly...

What's the matter?

Stop.

What are you doing?

Master Tin, the plague has killed
a lot of people.

What has it to do
with my Yi Sheung brothel?

They wanted to find
a couple of girls as sacrifice.

Why don't you ask your mother to go?

That's right.

Yesterday, you told me
that you hated your wife.

Let her be the one.

Master Tin, I know
it's a hard decision for you.

Why? They are all mine.

Their lives are in my hands, aren't they?

That's right.

The ones whom nobody wants, come forward.
That'll save me some cost.

Hurry, come forward.

No need for so many, one or two
will suffice.

-Come and form a circle...
-How cruel.

Hurry...

Form a circle, hurry...

Done...

-Lie down, hunchback.
-Okay.

Whoever his toes point to will be the one.

What's this? A lucky draw?

Turn…

That's unfair.

Not me. You all saw it, it's not me.

-Take her away.
-Go.

Remember what you said to me yesterday?

I said you charged a high price.

-Let's go.
-Shut up.

How dare you create trouble here?

No... it wasn't me.

-How should the sacrifice be offered?
-Braised.

It takes a long time then.

Leave the left leg for me.
I'll take a rest.

Clean her up and get her changed.

No.

She's so beautiful,
it's a pity to have her burnt.

Hurry and find a way to save her.

Only a pretty girl needs to be saved?
I wouldn't help if it were you.

Your fan...

Do we have to wait until dawn
for it to work again?

Since we have to wait anyway,

might as well wait till
my powers are gone.

Let me explain and you'll understand.

That's okay, I won't understand.

Just do as I say.

The auspicious time has come.

Wait. May I ask, how do you know that
burning her will stop the plague?

The Heavenly Emperor told me in a dream.

Lady Queen Mother told me in a dream

to burn your mother.

And if I scolded you three times,

the two moles on your face would be gone.

Nuts, go away.

It's time, scold him.

I... don't dare to.

Damn, damn, damn you.

They're gone.

It works.

Look at his face! It's more potent
than a fairy's spell.

Everyone, he has made an agreement
with Lady Queen Mother,

there'll be no more plague.
Release her quickly.

What if there is still a plague
after she is released?

Right...

What to do?

I don't know. I have no idea.

How about this?

If the plague still persists after
she's burnt to death,

all of you must be burnt.

You heard it. Release her immediately.

How? The fire is so fierce.

Bring some water to put it out.

The well nearby is sealed,
where can we find water?

Without water from a well,
any kind of water will do.

I've got it.

You're so bold, you don't even flinch.

It's just saliva.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Take a rest.

Don't go.

Don't worry, they won't burn you again.

Those lousy men used to be so nice
to me when in bed.

Why did they want to burn me?

Here's the reason.

Those men who come to you,
treat you like a toilet bowl.

They feel comfortable
when sitting on it,

but they're not emotionally
tied to the toilet bowl.

I don't get it.

That is to say, you should never
be a toilet bowl again.

Get it?

I've got it.

What are you doing?

I want to repay you.

Don't do it.
Your whorish nature is incorrigible.

You don't have to pay me.

But I do.

Worse than a toilet bowl.

What else can you do
besides getting laid for money?

Do it upside down?

No way.

Damn, why would I be talking to you
about such things?

What I mean is,
can you change your career?

For example, selling bean curd?

Should I put the stall at the door
or beside the bed?

You...

Master... I got half a piece
of bean curd.

That smells good, any for me?

Have the bean curd to yourself.

Are you serious? Nothing left?

It's a foreign dog, not really tasty.

There's one more piece.
Let me try it, then I'll know.

This dog has bitten two people to death.

I'm only doing it justice by eating it.

You're not qualified yet to eat it.

No, Master.
I am so very hungry.

Be kind enough to leave me a bone
at least.

Please.

Please, Master, please.

Stop it.

Have sympathy... just a piece.

Please...
I know that you haven't swallowed it.

Stop it.

You bastard, what else can you do
apart from begging?

Master.

Master, look.

Coming out.

Come again next time.

Don't forget your underpants.

-Yes...
-It's my turn.

Come in.

Hsiao Yu.

It's you.

You didn't listen to me,
and have even gotten worse.

You have no self-respect at all.

I've done as you told me.

You are simply hawking yourself
in the street.

How dare you say you are doing
as you were told.

You're mistaken, I'm selling tofu.

Really?

Hurry up, are you doing business or not?

You agreed to do it once
for buying tofu from you.

No? Give me back the money.

Don't be angry, let's go...

Thanks for your advice.

My business is good now.

She's changed, but in a wrong way.

Ta Chung, follow me.

Master, I have a little request.

Never call me by my name again
around this street.

All right?

What did I call you?

Beggar Ta Chung.

Is your name Ta Chung?

Idiot, you've forgotten you're called
Chu Ta Seung?

Don't hit me...

If you want to hit me,
let's go to the back alley.

Hsiao Yu will see us here.

I'll take you to the back alley.

So, your pride will emerge
only in front of Hsiao Yu.

I've got it.

Great.

Who says they're hopeless?

All humans can be saved!

Listen, immortals above, I'll surely win.

I wouldn't marry anyone
in the world but him.

How naughty, you peeping tom.

No, don't say that to me.

This is what I'm talking about,

how a decent girl should look like.

It doesn't hurt, I know it's a dream.
Why else would I wear such clothing?

You can.

What is it? It's so ugly.

Look.

So beautiful!

Since a caterpillar
can become a butterfly,

a chicken can also become a phoenix.

I want to be a phoenix, can I?

A phoenix?

Lord, you have good foresight.

That monk has done
all that you anticipated.

If you have further instructions,
please tell me.

YI SHEUNG BROTHEL

Hire a prostitute? Maybe another day.

I have no time.

I can push you,
but how dare you push me back?

Come here.

Don't hit me.

You've gone to the toilet,
and you don't need a bath.

What else do you need to do?

How do prostitutes have anything
to do with me?

Hsiao Yu is waiting
for her lover upstairs.

Who is it?

Chu Ta Seung.

Me?

A good-looking and presentable man.

Ta Chung, you must remember
to leave by first watch of the night.

Otherwise, gold may turn into dog shit,
and the boils will emerge again.

You don't want to scare people to death.

-Do you have any familiar lady in mind?
-Hsiao Yu.

She is having her period.

Her period has just ended,
but she is not taking any clients here.

That's okay, she sometimes makes
guest appearances.

Follow me.

Hsiao Yu.

Call me Phoenix.

This gentleman,
how about I order some food for you?

What would you like?

A plate of chicken tails would be nice.

Did I say something wrong?

You're an epicure.

What do you do?

I'm a beggar.

So it's you.

Do you mind?

Why would I?

When I see you,
it's like seeing that guy.

Where's that guy?

That guy has asked me to come.

What does that guy want from me?

That guy sent me here to...

buy bean curd!

You're so naughty.

You've come at a good time,
I'll fix you.

With the possession
of Shaolin Patriarch Dhama,

there's no reason I can't settle you
before the lamp subsides.

-Stop right there!
-Kill him.

Yes.

-What happened?
-Let's have a look.

Patriarch Dhama is really powerful.

Dhama?

Scared?

You are deep in sin.

I'll consider this as doing charity,

and take you back to be a monk
to do good deeds.

Damn you.

I'll beat you till you come with me.

Canes, is this a joke?

Don't you belittle me!

I'm tired.

Run!

Where are you running to?

Bloody hell, so incorrigible.

Do you yield?

Yield, my foot.

So, that guy is an immortal?

I thought you knew.

Sorry to have caused you so much trouble.

That's okay, my pleasure.

Buy a few more.

For a situation like this,
two will suffice.

Tell that guy I'll be selling
soy milk tomorrow.

Really?

Do you think he likes it salty or sweet?

Salty.

Add some preserved vegetables then.

It's even better with sesame seeds.

Lohan soy milk.

-He likes dog meat.
-Dog meat Lohan soy milk.

Hsiao Yu's unbeatable soy milk.

Yeah!

I've come for a prostitute.

As matters stand, I have to fight
violence with violence.

Iron Head.

Do you admit defeat now?

I only want you to be a monk,
not go to hell.

Come with me right now.

You're stubborn as a rock.

Forget about being a monk,

just refrain from killing people, okay?

Damn, are you a human being or a beast?

Do you like me?

Yes, but maybe in the next lifetime.

In this lifetime,
I want to marry that guy.

Thats fair enough. It's only after
meeting him that I found my dignity.

Give me a break tonight.
Let's compromise.

If you back off and leave Hsiao Yu alone,
we'll settle our score later.

If I hadn't changed my body,
I would've been killed.

You bastard.

I can't bear it anymore.

Buddha is merciful.

Oh, no. Ta Chung, it's time.

Is that someone selling dumplings?

There are dumplings sold everyday,
never mind it.

Magic is over! Let's go!

Shit, the time is up.

Why am I a beggar again?

What more do you want?
You are in fact a beggar.

No way. I have to go.

Hey, we're good friends, right?

Why haven't you come down yet?

Hey, skunk, have you seen someone
with a big beard?

Yes, he seems to be taking a shit.

Chase him.

Halt.

Hey, you look familiar.

Heroes, I'm afraid you're mistaken.

You...

I warned you not to let me see you.

I get so angry when I do.

You're freeloading on a prostitute?

No, I'm not. I have money.

Oh, no, gold turns into…

Stop, I beg you.

He's not a freeloader, don't hit him.

He's my boyfriend.

You're cheap,
you even want one with boils.

Watch me.

Hey man, I told you it wasn't me.

You're still denying?

Don't be upset.
He's just a lookalike, that's all.

He is pretending.

I don't have a beard.

-Maybe you shaved it off?
-Who could do it so quickly?

You're siding with a stranger!

I'm just talking sense.

-You've hurt someone.
-So what?

You're determined
to have a quarrel with me.

How dare you disobey the boss?

-You're being a bully.
-Listen, you're getting on my nerves.

Don't hit my boss...

Get lost, all of you.

Damn you.

Not again? Stop...

Please don't. Help!

-Sir, please don't.
-I'll show you how it's done.

Please let her go, sir.

Hsiao Yu.

Help me.

I'll fight you to the death.

Ta Chung.

Why didn't you knock?

Sorry, wrong room.

Remember to close the door.
Have some banana.

Sorry...

Master, I...

What's taken you so long?

You're back to your original look.
Let's go!

Master, I can't move.

Yuan Pa Tien.

Damn beggar, go to hell.

Don't call me Ta Chung,
call me Chu Ta Seung.

Ta Chung.

-You troublemaker.
-Ta Chung.

You can't die, you must hang on, Ta Chung.

You have no more magical powers?

Tomorrow, I'll show you tomorrow.

Bastard.

Turn his head back.

Turn back...

Turn... and look.

Open his eyes.

YI SHEUNG BROTHEL

Mr. Tien says to let you go,
but be careful in the future.

What a show it was just now.
You didn't even blink.

-It was indeed fascinating.
-Yes, it was.

You'll surely die this time.

Earth God...

Earth God, where are you?
Come out at once.

I'm here, stop shouting.

How can I save Ta Chung?

A man's fate is pre-determined.

One can't change Heaven's rules.

Ta Chung has suffered a wrongful death.

I have to save him no matter what.
Please think of a way.

A wrongful death means going to hell.

King of Hades strictly
prohibits negotiation.

But...

But what?

Before entering the
City of Wrongful Deaths,

there is an area governed by the devil,
Hei Lo Sha.

He admits stray spirits.

Anyone in his hands never gets
reincarnated.

But you may talk it over with him.

Bring me down to him quickly.

I'm only a junior god
and thus not eligible.

Unlike you, you have a golden body
for protection,

which makes you invulnerable.

I'll get back the golden body.

Wait.

You must treat the golden body seriously.

I must do what is necessary.

-What are you doing?
-Let go.

Master said this golden body cannot
leave the temple.

What if it does?

-I don't know.
-That means it's okay.

Let me borrow it,
I'll pay you lots of interest.

-No.
-For just one night?

-No.
-One hour?

-No.
-Okay, since you ask for it...

No. What?

Hey you, don't move, stand still.

What's the matter?

Let him go.

-Are you the Buddha?
-No.

Damn.

You're rude.

Let me tell you,
I'm friends with the Buddha.

Now, I'm retrieving
this person's spirit on his behalf.

Understand?

Don't you dare, don't come near.

Rubbish. Ask the Buddha to see me.

Don't go.

In fact, I'm not on good terms
with the Buddha.

I didn't know you two had a grudge.

Let's do it this way,
I'll call you boss.

Since you have so many men under you,

having one more or one less
wouldn't matter.

Treat this as a gift to me.

What's in it for me?

For you?

I'll give you a pedicure,
your toenails are so long.

Is that okay?

Get lost.

Exchange him with your golden body.

Golden body? I can't give it to you.

Besides, you have no use for it.

I mean, just as a display.

You son of a bitch. Okay, it's done!

Ta Chung, I'll bring you back
at all costs.

Hang in there.

Leave your golden body.

You promised to exchange with me.

-Why have you taken his spirit?
-I'm bad.

Stinking monk, you're like a ghost.
Where did you come from?

Damn, I'm back here again.

If you don't like it,
you can go back down.

How could I, without the golden body?

I'm in deep shit this time.
Even the golden body is gone.

Ta Chung...

Ta Chung.

Lord,

I'll do as you instruct me

and help accomplish your mission.

Hey...

Hey…

It doesn't have to be this way.

Hey, brother.

Give me a little respect.

For what it's worth, I'm in charge here.

-I told you not to do it.
-What's the matter?

The immortals in there

said that since you've consorted
with evil spirits,

they don't want to be with you.

So, they've all gone.

These guys came to get their luggage.

Sorry, for my lifelong emoluments,

I have to follow them. Bye.

What's happening? Where's everything?

Mad Monk, where's the golden body?

You've caused so much trouble,
you're dead.

Damn, Earth God is gone.

We're in big trouble this time.

Master, where are you going?

I told you before,

the golden body cannot leave the temple.

Now you've caused anger
among men and gods.

How can I bear this responsibility?

Master, let's leave quickly.
There could be thunder anytime...

Master...

Even you blame me, too?

Revert!

You really leave me no way out.

-There's Hsiao Yu.
-Hey, Hsiao Yu.

I heard you were messed up by Mr. Tien
last night.

Is that true?

She ignored me.

-Who does she think she is?
-I'd better find Hsiao Hong instead.

Wait.

What is it?

If I don't charge you money,
would you take me?

-Yes, we'll do it immediately.
-Me, too...

-She asked me first.
-In your dreams.

-Me first.
-Me first.

Huh?

Tell me, what will make you happy?

Marrying you.

Stop joking.

Marrying you.

If I marry you,
will you still be a prostitute?

-No, I won't.
-Really?

Yes.

I'll marry you then.

I, Dragon Fighter Lohan,
priest name Mad Monk,

take Pai Hsiao Yu as my wife today.

Whatever happened in her past lives
and whatever comes in this life,

I'll not regret it.

But even if I've been bedded

by Tom, Dick and Harry, you'd still...

Never mind that, I can take it.

You really love me?

I love you very much.

How much?

As much as I love Ta Chung.

Like Ta Chung?

Yes.

Who do you love more?

The same.

I'm afraid you love him
a bit more than me.

No... The same.

Yeah!

Why are you not happy?

No… Yeah!

Great, let's worship the ancestors.

All right.

After that we'll consummate our marriage.

-We must be quick.
-Then we'll have kids.

I'm afraid there's not enough time.

Why?

If an immortal joins a mortal
in marriage,

the Heavens will punish me.

I'll gradually turn into a log.

Don't say that.

Your feet...

I'm changing.

Bloody punk, you're cheating me, right?

I... let's not talk about this now.

Let's carry on with the worship.

Why should I marry a piece of wood?
You take me for a fool?

It's all right...

as long as you don't regret
marrying me.

Damn you.

-You pledged.
-It's your vow.

I don't care if you marry me or not,
you can't be a prostitute anymore.

None of your business.

Are you playing a joke on me?

Yes, I am.

What's the big deal being an immortal?

You have no feelings for me.

You think I don't know?

I know everything.

I've lost this time.

I have nothing now.

Really, nothing at all.

Since you don't want me,

I don't want love ever again
in this life.

No!

I don't want love again in this life.

I don't want love again in this life.

Help...

YI SHEUNG BROTHEL

Help...

Help…

After killing you,
I'll have gathered the blood

of 49 people.

I'll immerse the Mad Monk's
golden body in it.

And even when he finds it,
his kung fu would be gone.

Here at last,
but you're of no use anymore.

Like a dead dog.

Immortals, appear.

Lohan on top.

Heavenly soldier reinforces.

Get that bastard for me.

Villain of nine lives,
let's see which of us is tougher.

You can't kill me.

Really?

I'll kill you.

I'll kill you...

We came to terms with Heaven.

If you admit to losing
and downgrade three levels,

you can be immortal again.

Time is running out,
we need to go back quickly.

-Let me get rid of him first.
-Do it quickly then.

Bastard, had I killed you earlier,

many lives would have been spared.

The skin of the devil?

The Lord has given me
an immortal heart.

You can't kill me.

Look again at your immortal heart.

A rock? How can this be?

Lord.

He just wants your dedication to him.

Lord, you fooled me!

So what?

You're such an ideal fool to be cheated.

What evil plan does he have? Speak.

You fooled me.

Speak, or I'll chop you.

Don't! All right, I'll say it.

To stop Hei Lo Sha from going to
the mortal world,

Buddha placed his scepter

under the Goddess statue in
Guo Ching Temple.

Cheating you out of your golden body,

such that all the gods fled,

it's all part of his treachery

to rid the temple of heavenly protection.

Then, at the time when the moon is
in eclipse tonight,

he plans to get back the scepter.

That will cost many lives.

Dragon, there's no time left.

If we don't return to the Heavens,

all three of us will have
to stay on Earth.

Let's go quickly.

I'm suffering, give me back my heart,
I don't want to die.

You don't want to die?

Ta Chung and these lives you've taken,
did they want to die?

You should have died long ago.

Even if you took back this lousy
piece of rock,

you'd still be a puppet of Hei Lo Sha.

You'll continue killing the innocent.
Do you want to do that?

If you do, then take it back, go on.

Don't let me be a human being
in the next life.

It's done.

-Let's go.
-Let's go, Dragon.

We can't leave yet.

You're mad. Won't be another chance
if you don't go now.

Hei Lo Sha is the culprit, I'll fix him.

-You go on first.
-Dragon Fighter.

It's too late.

Dragon Fighter... Dragon Fighter...

It's really here!

I'll now endow you

with spiritual powers from my training
over thirteen life cycles.

Everything depends on you today,
understand?

-Bring it on.
-Sure.

Damn it.

-Mad Monk.
-Master.

-Mad Monk.
-Master.

We meet again,
let's get out of here quickly.

Master, why are you here?

At such a critical moment,

I shouldn't have left you
on your own at the temple.

Why would you come back for me
if you know the danger?

Because you're the one person
I admire most.

Let's go quickly.

Master, there's not much left
of my golden body.

I had to use the last resort.

I'll put the remaining gold powder
into his body to overpower him.

When your golden body is used up,
you'll perish, too.

No time to be bothered by that.

How are you going to do it?

Just help me to keep his mouth open.

-That simple?
-Can you?

Of course not.

Master... Are you all right?

My bowl.

Where's the golden powder?

Master, did you...

Yes, I swallowed it all.

At such a critical moment you...

I didn't want to either.

My stomach feels strange now.

Master, think of a way
to quickly defecate the golden powder.

But I'm always constipated.

I remember now,

I've still got two golden teeth
in my mouth from the golden body.

You stole them?

I lost my teeth, so I borrowed them.

I can't hang on any longer.

-Master, do me this one last favour.
-What?

Try to open his mouth.

I'll use all my powers to settle you.

I feel very scared.

Scared?

Kneel and bow three times
and I will spare you.

He sure relishes that laugh!

Mad Monk.

Mad Monk... Mad Monk...

Told you he would lose.

He's bound to lose...

He won't win.

Bound to lose?

Why do you say so?

Just like Ta Chung the beggar,

he could have 20 more years
to beg for his living.

Now he's not only dead,
he died as a beggar.

That prostitute was disfigured
because of him.

The matter regarding Yuan Pa Tien
is even worse.

Dozens of lives were lost before he died.

What a...

How should I put it?

-A failure.
-Failure.

Not only a failure.

Had I fought a duel with him
and beat him the other day,

he wouldn't have caused
so much chaos.

Oh, c'mon, you're always thinking
of fighting duels.

Ta Chung died a wrongful death, no doubt.

But before he died,

he at least knew he was called
Chu Ta Seung.

It means he got back his dignity.

Look.

He doesn't need to be a beggar
in this life.

Though Hsiao Yu was disfigured,

she's no longer a prostitute.

And she's really selling bean curd.

As for the villain Yuan Pa Tien,

we all know that when he died,

he said he didn't want to be a
human being anymore.

He's now reincarnated.

He's only a pig in this lifetime.
He's got a bright future.

Think about it,

did Dragon Fighter win or lose?

Well...

No matter what,

Dragon Fighter Lohan no longer exists.

-Is this a joke or what?
-You dropped something.

But now, we have a Senior Dragon Fighter.

-Why are you here?
-And now you're a senior?

It was a slight promotion.

Let the promotion ceremony begin.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Dragon Fighter, how do you feel

being made a Senior Dragon Fighter today?

I want to be an emissary of peace

and the Heavens' envoy to spread love
throughout the world.

I want people to know that with love,
anywhere is a paradise.