The Lovebirds (2020) - full transcript

A couple (Issa Rae and Kumail Nanjiani) experiences a defining moment in their relationship when they are unintentionally embroiled in a murder mystery.

So, last night was fun.

-It was really fun.
- I had a really good time.

Well, good-bye for real.


-I'm starving.
- I could go for some breakfast.

Do you wanna go get
something to eat?


-I'll just get my jacket.
- Yeah.


I did. I hung out with
the crudites table all night,

trying to work up
the courage
to talk to you

because I knew you'd be back.

I kept going back
to the crudite table,

trying to get you to notice me.

I noticed you the moment
you walked in the door.

What's your last name?

Why? So you can
Google-stalk me?

No, I just wanna know
what to put in my phone.

Oh. I'm not giving you
my phone number.

You've made a huge mistake.

I knew it.
I felt it in my gut.

-Oh, shit.
- What?

I forgot that I made plans
with my friends today.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
go to your friends.

It's not a big deal.

Unless you want.
I could stay.

-This was fun.
- Oh.

-I should go.
- Do you wanna stay?

Oh... Okay.

What is that?

- That face.

Is that your
"I wanna kiss you" face?

- Oh.

Oh. Wait. Unless...

Unless what?

What does your
"I wanna kiss you" face
look like?

It looks a lot like this.

You are unbelievable.

You are
literally unbelievable!

If I told someone,

"This is what Leilani
said to me," they'd be like,

- "I don't believe you."
- Who are you?

- You're not even upset!
- Why would I be upset?

Because it's fucked up.

Don't do this.
Don't make this
a whole global thing...

- I'm upset.
- I thought you were kidding.

Why would I possibly
be kidding about
something like this?

Oh, my God!

Okay, he's up now.

You think we would win
The Amazing Race!

- You don't?
- You think, in a game show

about a race
around the fucking world,

you and me
would come out on top.

I did, but now I'm not so sure.

We can't even agree
on a restaurant.

We can't agree on a restaurant
because you have a problem

with every restaurant
in New Orleans.

The restaurant capital
of the world,
and you can't decide.

Actually, Hong Kong is
the restaurant capital
of the world.

I just don't want you
to embarrass yourself
in front of your friends

by getting these
pretty basic facts wrong.

I don't hate restaurants.
I like restaurants.

You literally spent
several hours yesterday
writing a negative Yelp review

with your white-woman fingers

about that tapas place
we went to,

and I thought
it was pretty tasty.

It was very salty.

I didn't know I would get
mouth-fucked by the Dead Sea!

And I don't have
white-woman fingers.

I've got meaty bronze.

Why are you being
so loud right now? Okay?

Do you want the neighbors
to think we're crazy?

Who cares
what the neighbors think?
They don't know us.

Hi, nice to meet you!
We're fighting!

No, we're not!
We're rehearsing a play!

It's a fight scene.

How's this?

It's fun.

It's fun?
What do I look like,
Chuck E. Cheese?

But sexy.
You're like Fuck E. Cheese.

By the way, you know
you can't have your cell phone
on those shows, right?

You'd lose your mind.

No, I wouldn't.
I'd be liberated
without that thing.

- I'm good.
- You wanna get that?

♪ Nope, I'm good! ♪

Oh, my God,
what if somebody liked
something on Instagram?


Shut up. You don't know me.

It's Val.
She said I look thicc.

Mmm-hmm. Another reason
we wouldn't win that show,

you can't take selfies
when you're half naked,
eating ants off a stick.

Do you even watch the show?

Have I seen The Amazing Race?

This is literally the question
you're asking me right now?

That's what I'm asking you.

You're asking me, Jibran,
have I seen The Amazing Race?


You've spent
this entire time
judging this show

and you've never seen
an episode?

I don't need to see something
to know I would hate it, okay?

I've never been
hit by a truck,
but I know it would suck!

- Wow!
- I don't wanna rot my brain

watching that
reality show garbage.

You make documentaries, okay?

Those are just reality shows
that no one watches.

Documentaries are not
reality shows.

Documentaries are reality.

Okay? My work
is social activism.

I don't do it for the RTs.

You don't
have to say RTs.

Just say retweets, Dad.

Can we please go?

The later we are,
the longer we'll have to stay.

What's the rush?
It's not like we're doing
anything exciting afterward.

I thought we were
gonna have sex.

Oh, yeah,
'cause nothing gets me hotter

than a plan in the day to have
sex at night. Whoo, freaky!

You want freaky sex?
We could do freaky sex.

Just let me know
what you want me to do

and I will do it to you
at the designated time.

That is the antithesis
of freaky sex! Okay?

Just schedule me
in your calendar.

"Intercourse with Leilani
at 10:42."

- Super sexy.
- Okay.

Freaky sex and scheduling are
not mutually exclusive, okay?

You think people
just randomly show up
at the same time for an orgy?

No, they probably share
a Google Calendar.

No, I think
it's spontaneous.

One guy comes,
and another guy comes.

They show up and they have sex.

It's a bunch of guys there,
why wouldn't you have sex
with them all?

Okay, there's a lot
to parse through there,

but you're talking
about a gang bang,
I'm talking about an orgy.

Tomato, tomahto.

And where are you getting
your group sex information?

- BuzzFeed?
- I don't know!

So, who's gonna be
at this dinner-party thing?

Um, Bobby and Reya.


I think maybe Keith, Stefan...

- Um...
- Oh, you think maybe Keith?

Yeah, maybe.

As if you're not 100% sure
he's gonna be there?

I'm not sure. I'm not.

Oh, yeah? You wanna bet?

I bet he's gonna be there
with his fucking lame jokes

and his boring
IT stories and his...

beach muscles he gets from
diligent exercise and diet.

-Are you done?
-Hate to burst
the Keith bubble,

but all those hilarious jokes
that he does?

Katt Williams.
They're Katt Williams' jokes.

You're saying that he steals
his jokes from Katt Williams?


"How do you know it's nice
to meet me? I'm an asshole!"

That's Katt Williams,
word for word.

That doesn't even sound
like Katt Williams.

Well, I'm not gonna
use the voice.

To win The Amazing Race,
you need to be a team,

you need to be on the same page.

I feel like I'm on one page
of the book and you're,
like, reading a magazine.

Yeah. I would love to be
on the same page as you,

but you're always
locked in your office
editing that movie.

It's not a movie.

This is a documentary
about corruption
in the educational system.

How would I know?
You won't even show it to me.

-I'll show it to you
whenever you want.
-Been working on it forever.

Okay, great.
How about tomorrow?

I can't do it tomorrow.
I'm rendering the animation.

Steph and George
are getting married?

Did you just like that?


-What happened to
"marriage is bullshit"?
-It is.

Okay. Well, then
why did you like it?

Because I didn't wanna be
the only one out of our friends

to not like it.
I'm not a hater.

Okay. Since the day
we've met,

you've talked about
how you think marriage
is fucking lame.

I didn't say "lame."
I said "problematic."

Right. Two people declaring
their eternal love
for each other.

How problematic.

You know what I think?
I think you do want
all that stuff.

Marriage and kids.
You just don't
want it with me.

And I think that you just want
someone with no expectations,

so you can sit in that room
by yourself
for the rest of your life.

I think you just want
a relationship

that you can brag about
to your friends.

Yeah, I do!
And I'm not willing to settle.

I don't wanna settle, either.

That's why I don't
wanna be with someone
who's so fucking shallow.

And I don't wanna
be with someone

who's so satisfied
with being a failure.

- I can't do this anymore.
- This isn't working.

Are we done?

I think we've been done
for a while.

- Oh, fuck!
- Shit!

- Oh, fuck. Uh...
- Shit.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Uh...

- Uh, are you okay?
- You okay?

Oh, there's blood.
Here, let me help you up.

No, no, you probably
shouldn't move him.

Oh, right. Yeah.

-I'm gonna call 911, okay?
- No, no, no!

I'm fine. I gotta go.

You're bleeding,
you're not fine.

- Are you sure?
- I gotta go. I gotta go!


Uh... I don't know
if that's a good idea, man.

- Thank you.
- I'll call 911.

Wait, wait, wait!
Wait! You forgot your phone!

Oh, my God.

- I need your car!
- What?

I'm a police officer
and he's a criminal!

Move the fuck over!
Get in the back!

Move, move, move!

Hold on.

- Where'd he go?
- Huh?

Where'd he go?

He went that way!

East! East!
Uh, suspect headed eastbound.

What did he do? Was it drugs?

It was drugs, huh?
Are you undercover?

You can't tell us
if you're undercover, huh?
I get it.

At least we didn't hit
a good guy, right?

It's not good
that we hit someone,
but at least we hit a bad guy?

Yeah, who rides a bike
in this part of town?

Yeah, where do you think
you are, Europe?

Sorry, we'll be serious.

Right there! There he goes!

Off the sidewalk, asshole!

Turn, turn, turn!

We got him. Yes!


Rats! Right?

Wait, if you make a left
up here, you can cut him off.

Oh, good idea. Oh!

- Yep!
- Whoo.

- There he is, over there!
- Oh! Oh!


Fucking jaywalkers.

Shit, he's going in circles!
What an idiot!

- Turn! Turn!
- Turn!

There, there, there!
Go, go, go!

He turned the corner!

Go down this alley,
it's a dead end!

Ho, ho, ho! Justice!

Oh, my God!


Oh, oh...

Oh, my God.

I don't think he's a cop.

Oh, my God.


I think
he's fucking dead.

Oh, shit!

- What the fuck?
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, what did you do?

- Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
- Oh, oh... No, no, no.

This isn't what it looks like.

We didn't kill him.

You hit him with your car, man.

No! I mean, yes, I did, but...

- No, that was... That's all.
- That was a while ago.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

After I hit him,
he was alive and, like, great.

Not "great."
He wasn't having the best day,

but he has been breathing
since then.

He's fucking dead!

We know he's dead,
but we didn't kill him.

He just said he killed him.

No. I said I hit him
with my car.

-Clearly it worked. You killed
a guy with your car, man!
- Okay, but, no, wait.

-We hit him earlier and then we were just drivin' to...
- -I was driving,

-and we broke up,
and I got distracted...
- Bobby and Reya's house.

...and I ran through
a red light...

- But a moustache came in...
- But then this guy

with a weird moustache...
No, we hit him earlier.

I helped him a little bit
with my map,

which I admit
was definitely a mistake.

He took our car,
he ran over him like a dog...

We need to call the cops.

And then back and forth
ten times

and now I've
got a dead guy's blood on me

and my car's
a fucking murder weapon!

- What are you doing?
- I'm calling 911.

Please don't do that.
We would never hurt anyone.

I'd like to report
a murder or whatever.

We didn't murder anybody!

- Yeah, stop.
- You stop!

Oh, my God, the police
aren't gonna believe us.

Do you know how stupid we sound?

- This is a citizen's arrest.
- What is that?

It's an arrest from a citizen.

Can you do that?

- Can he do that?
- On the count of three. Okay?

On the count of three, what?

What is that face?

I can't read your face!
Just say it.

On the count of three.

- What? What?
- One, two, three, go!

The guy just ran for it.


Okay, the guy's name is Jibran.

Run, Leilani!

And the girl's name
is actually Leilani.


She's running too now.

She just happens to be

and he just happens to be
a person of color as well.

But I don't, like,
think they're murderers

because they're minorities.
I think they're murderers

because they
literally just killed a guy

- and he's laying here.
- Oh, fuck.


Are you okay?

- -It's house painting with red paint.

We were painting the kitchen
blood colors?

What can I get for you guys?

Do you have alcohol?

- Two, please.
- Two.

Two what?

Two alcohols, please.
Thank you so much.

We don't serve alcohol.

We have to go to the police.


You and me?

How do you think
that's gonna go?

It's the best bad idea.

No, it's not. They're gonna
arrest us in two seconds.

Maybe we just tell them
the truth.

Do you think the police
care about the truth?

Do you think
they're gonna give us

the benefit of the doubt?

- But what else?
- Jibran,

the truth sounds crazy.

What are you gonna say to them?

"Hello, Officer.

We are turning ourselves in
for now,

because we have
nothing to hide."

"Then why'd you run
from the scene of the crime?"

"Good question, Officer.

That's why
you're good at your job.

It's because we looked guilty.

Which was scary for us,
because we are not guilty.

So, in a way, us running
only proves that we are..."

"That's me covering up
my bodycam,

so I can beat
your ass, you fucking liar."

- Okay. Okay. Done?
- Nope.

That was me
throwing the book at you.

You know there's no real
actual book, right?

"So you left
a man dead in the street?"

- "We did not leave him dead."
- "And didn't call the police?"

"Because there was no time,
because we had to..."

"Brown man, you sound crazy."

-"Don't say that."
-"You look like
a murderer to me."

- "Don't say that."
- "Look at your murderous beard

and your murderous brow."

You said you liked the beard.

Your beard looks like murder.

- Don't.
- Hello?

Leilani, where the fuck
are you guys?

I'm so sorry.
We bumped into an old friend.

- And...
- Still at home.

We were going back and
forth with him several times.

Can you tell them
to grab some wine

We don't have any white
for Evonne.

Hey, can you pick up a bottle
of pinot? Grigio, not noir.

we'll bring a bottle over.

Great. See you in a bit.

- What's going on?
- They're acting weird.

How you know
it's nice to meet me?

What if I'm an asshole?

You're hilarious.

This silver milkshake container

is such a thing, you know?

They're always like,
"We made too much,

so here's the extra
and the container

that we made it in."

They can't just measure it out?


They don't do that
with other stuff.

They're not like,
"Well, here's spaghetti

and here's some more
spaghetti on the side.

We made too much
for the spaghetti plate.

Here's soup.

We didn't wanna
measure it out early on,

and here we are."

Like, what the fuck?

- It's crazy.
- It's so crazy.

Not the extra
milkshake container.

Is this Leilani Brooks?

Who is this?

This is Detective Mary Martin
of the New Orleans PD.

Hi, Detective.

Ma'am, have you driven your
vehicle at any time today?

No, not-not today. Mmm-mmm.

Can I ask
where you are right now?

She's asking
where I am right now.

- Hang up.
- Home.

I'm home. Just chilling.

Are you saying that your
vehicle is at home as well?

- Hang up.
- Yes!

If I just go to my window
right now, I should see...

Oh, my God.

Honey, wasn't our car
parked outside?

This is crazy, Detective.

I must have left the keys
in the ignition.

Can I get you two anything else?

Is that a waitress?

Ma'am, where are you right now?

We'll get the check.

We're so fucked!

No, we're not.

We just have to lay low

and keep a low profile
until this blows over.

I don't think...

Murders don't blow over, Lei.

Yes, they do.

If the police find the guy
that they're looking for.

You and me are the guy
they're looking for.

You know that song "Bad boys,
bad boys, whatcha gonna do"?

We're the bad boys.
What are we gonna do?

Yeah, I know that song
Who Let the Dogs Out.

And I'm always like,
who did let the dogs out?

Are we just talking
about songs that we remember?

You started it.

Bicycle guy's phone

It just made a bing-bong sound.

Oh, don't touch it!
That's evidence!

I've been touching it
the whole time.

It's his calendar.
"Edie at Dragon's Den."

Wait. This Edie person

obviously knows Bicycle, right?

-So what if she knows
who wanted to kill Bicycle?

Oh. Okay, so you're suggesting

we actually go out there
and solve a...

That's what you're suggesting?


Who the fuck do you think
we are?

Hobbs and Shaw?

We're not even a couple.

We couldn't figure out
our relationship.

You think that we're gonna
figure out who killed Bicycle?

We did break up, right?



Jibran, all we need is a name.

We get Mustache's name,

we take it to the police,
and then we're in the clear.

We have ten minutes
to get there.

I don't think
this is a good idea at all.

I know you're scared, Ji,
and I'm scared, too.


What a sweet baby.


Can we try Edie?
See if she can help us?


But if you're wrong and we spend

the rest of our lives
on death row,

I'm gonna be so pissed at you.

That's fair.

Oh, my God.

It's the police.

- Don't answer it, ignore it.
- Right, right, right.

Right, right.

Why do they still have
the cigarette lighter?

Like, just make it
a power outlet

at this point, you know?

Like, who's like,
"I'm operating a vehicle,

I want to introduce fire
into this..."

Jibran, please.
No more milkshake monologues,

- okay?
- Right.

Excuse me, sir,
this isn't our destination.

- Are you Leon?
- Yes, sir.


You ordered a Lyft share.

I just have it set
on that option by default.

You're amazing.

Oh, you're amazing.

But you're like

No, you are.

I miss you
when we're together.

Like, right this second,

I am sitting next to you
and I miss you.

Aw, baby.

So, we're gonna go to this spot

and find this Edie person

and then see what happens.

How are we gonna know
who Edie is?

I don't know, we just go up
to her and ask if...

I love you
more than I love my mom!

Shut the fuck up! Okay?

It's all kissy and huggy now,

but it all comes crashing down.


All right, here we go
into the Dragon's Den.

It'll be fine.
We got this.

It's not that bad.

We just gotta find her.

Okay. Yeah.

We just act super normal, okay?


We're normal.
Just normal people.

Coming to a bar.

We should not have come here.

You say that anytime
we go anywhere with people.

I was talking about
the sense of impending doom

that's growing in the pit
of my stomach right now!

I'm just saying.
If I never made plans,

we would never go anywhere.

Congratulations, you made
plans and this happened.

Okay, act normal.

- Love dancing.
- Whoo!

Normal-people shit.

That has to be her.

Okay, what do we do?

We should go over there, right?




Stop talking.

Come with me.

Who are you? He sent you?

Yeah. Um...

Jibran, why don't you explain?

Um... There's sort of not
a good starting point.

He wants to be unprofessional
and send two strangers

instead of coming himself,
that's fine.

Let's just do this
and be done with it.

We just had a question,
and we wanted to know

if you know a guy
with a mustache?

We don't know
what's going on.

Know a guy
with a mustache?

Okay, drop the act.
It's unbecoming.

There's a way to do this
that's respectable.

And this? This is not that.

Hand 'em over
and this can all end.

- What?
- Oh, no.

The pictures.
Give me the envelope.

- What pictures?
- Oh, no.

You guys think
you're the only ones

who can dig up a little dirt?

I know who your boss is.

We don't have a boss.
We don't work together.

We don't know what pictures
you're talking about.

I'm a documentary filmmaker,
she works at an ad agency.

You remember that commercial
where the guy's a nerd

and then he uses this body wash

and all the girls, like,
wanna fuck him?

- That was her idea!
- That was my idea.

It was based on a true story.

This guy was really nerdy
at my college,

and he would smell good
and then I was like,

"I like him now."

She didn't like the way
a guy looked at college,

and then he smelled better
and then she fucked him!

But it's fine,
and we don't know anything!

Oh, yeah, right.

You showed up
at the designated time

and place of the exchange.

Yeah, because
of this guy's phone

and it bing-bonged your name!

We were just trying to go
to our friend's dinner party.

We have nothing
to do with anything.

We just answered
a bing-bong!

- Jibran. Mmm-mmm.
- Huh?

- She's not buying it.
- Oh, okay.

Let's take the guesswork
out here.

You said that
this gentleman's not your boss

- and you don't even know him?
- Uh-huh.

Oh. Why don't we just call him
and see what he has to say?

- Okay. Great.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, call him.


Oh, no.

It's not what you think.

Don't pee down my back
and tell me it's raining.

- Why would we do that?
- We would never do that.

If she pees down your back,
she's gonna say it's pee.

You think you can
fuck with a congressman

and get away with it?
You got another thing coming.

- Oh, no!
- Oh! What the fuck?

Did you just tell them
I'm a congressman?

- I...
- Come here. Real quick.

I'll be right back.

What's happening?

Can you get out?

This is fucking insane.

Take that damn mask off, Brett.

Are you okay?

Well, it still doesn't
seem like a good idea.

My husband.

He was just about to get me
my pan. Right, hon?

I thought we agreed

we weren't really
gonna do the pan.

You go get me my goddamn pan!

Hey, just to clarify, we're
not blackmailing anybody.

Excuse me, what is "the pan"?

You tried to fuck us.
Now you're gonna get fucked.

Yeah, okay,
your premise is wrong

because we didn't
try to fuck you.

And we don't
wanna get fucked.

- No.
- Mmm.

I just love the smell

of sizzling bacon, don't you?

The only problem is the grease!

Y'all ever see
a bad grease burn?

It is remarkable the damage
a little hot oil can do.

I'm gonna give you both
a choice, okay?

All the grease in this pan,

or what's behind this door.

- What?
- I said,

bacon grease

or door.

It's up to you.

And you're first,
Mr. Bing-Bong.

Take the grease.

Are you serious?
It's boiling hot grease.

And she could pour the grease
on my face!

Edie, may I ask a question?

Do I get to know
prior to making my decision

where you'll be pouring
the grease?

Um, yeah, it'll probably
most definitely be your face.

Thank you.

She said probably my face.

She's obviously
trying to scare you

into choosing something worse.

We're single now. I have to
go out into the dating world.

How do you think
I'm gonna do on Bumble?

Scars are super sexy.

Oh, you like burn scars?

After this, I'm gonna seek out
a guy with a burnt face.

You promise?

I'm gonna stalk
your Facebook so hard.

And if you're not
with a fucking burn victim,

I'm gonna be so very upset.

Well, thanks for reminding me
to block you.

I'm blocking you
right after this.

Let's make a decision here,
all right?

My husband and I
have plans tonight.

I'll go with not the grease.
I'll go with the door.

- Jibran!
- Door it is.

Tell him what they've won.

No, no, no, no!
Jibran, press your feet!

I am!
I'm planting my feet!

Stop it!
Leave him alone!

- Open the door.
- Yep.

Is it gonna shit on me?

Take the grease.

It's your turn,
little missy.

The grease! The grease!
I take the grease!

A lady who knows what she wants.


No, no, no! No, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

Okay, let's see...

Come on, help,
help, help me, help!

Oh, God.
Honey, are you all right?


Stay back! Stay back!
You stay back!

- You ready?
- Yeah.

One, two, three...

Where are you going?

Whoa, honey!

What the fuck
just happened?

Dude, I said,
"One, two, three,"

and you, like, ran.

Yeah, 'cause that's
what you did in the alley.

You kinda set a precedent.

That's what I was going off of.

but I assumed you assumed

this time it would be like,
"One, two, three, attack."

Why would I assume that?

Because we had
weapons? I don't know.

I never want to see
a horse again in my life.

Thank you.

What, I look stupid?

Kinda like unicorn throw-up?

No, you look...

the opposite.


Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

It just hurts a lot right
where the horse kicked me.

Uh... Come with me.

It looks okay? Ow.

- If you could...
- Sorry.

Stop tapping right where
the wound is.

I'm just trying to help.


Come on, let's do this.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I can't.

I'm just gonna wear this shirt
for the rest of my life.

No, you're not.
Stand up.

Uh, raise your arms.

Okay. One, two, three.

Can I just say this is

the most batshit crazy
night ever?

You've never been
framed for murder

and tortured with bacon grease?


- It just...
- Really?

- Just be so gentle. Just...
- Okay, I'm sorry.

I didn't even touch you.

I ordered us a Lyft.

I hope
you changed your settings.

You probably
don't remember this, but,

our first date,

that restaurant,

there was this couple
sitting next to us,

and they didn't talk the whole...

I remember them.

- You do?
- Yeah.

They didn't say anything
to each other the entire time.

You know, I think about them
all the time.

'Cause I was looking at them

like I never
want to be that couple,

you know, that runs
out of stuff to talk about.

But then the more
I think about them,

the more I'm like...

maybe they weren't miserable.

You know?
Maybe they were just

comfortable with each other.

So my theory about Edie
obviously didn't pan out.

Maybe you were right.

Maybe we should
just go to the cops.

I found something.


The piece of paper that Edie
had with Bicycle's number?

It has an address on it, too.

What? When did you get this?

I was thinking,
maybe Mustache killed Bicycle

because of those pictures
that Edie was talking about.

So if we can
find those pictures,

figure out what they are,

maybe we can
exonerate ourselves.

Mustache was clearly
looking for something,

and Edie was very upset
about those pictures.

- It's a clue, right?
- Yeah!

I did a clue.

Should we go to that address?

You know this is
actually illegal, right?

Breaking into Bicycle's house?

Are you sure?

Are you?


Oh, that's our guy.

Oh, shit.


He knows it's us,
he totally knows it's us.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Shit, he's totally onto us.
He's onto us, he's onto us.

Oh, he's just a regular racist.

- Thank God.
- Let's go.


- How are we gonna get up there?

What? You just...

Did you think it was one
of those "Men Only" doors?



Maybe there's
one of those, like,

catwalk things around the side...

A "catwalk"? You mean
like for fashion shows?

Do you mean a fire escape?

Why are you making jokes
right now? This is serious.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Break the glass. You go.

- Me go? I'm wearing heels.
- You're wearing heels.

Right. The icepick part
will stab the glass...

The "icepick part"?
Do you mean

the heel?

Yes, the pointy heel
part of the shoe

will break the glass.
It'll go right through it.

No, no. Use your shoulders.
Break the glass.

I just got kicked by a horse.

Can I take five minutes off
from, like, bashing myself?

- Okay, I'm sorry.
- Okay.

I'm just concerned the heel's
just gonna snap off.

No. Not if you do it
exactly perpendicular,

'cause it's a small
surface area. Pressure is...

Okay. How do you know that?


So you do like reality shows.

Eh, it's more of a docuseries.

- Ow! Oops.
- Oh!


I remember now.
That myth got busted.

ran over the cyclist

multiple times.

Two witnesses at the scene

are currently being treated
for emotional distress.

I think this is it.

What if there's someone
in there?

Looks empty.

Right, 'cause it's
probably empty

'cause it's Bicycle's
apartment and he's...

- Yeah.
- Dead.

Yeah, I was there, Jibran.

- Just try the window.
- Okay.

It's locked.

Okay, your turn to kick it.

My shoes aren't made
for kicking.

Yeah, neither were mine.

In my defense,

the heel on the kicking shoe
didn't break off,

it was the heel
on the standing...

Jibran, I will throw you
down this catwalk.

I shouldn't have said that.
Sorry you broke your shoes.

Thank you,
they were my date shoes.

I didn't know
you had date shoes.

I got 'em for you.

Can you kick this in quietly,
please, since I'm barefoot?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay, okay, here we go,
here we go.

What? What are you doing?
Are you knocking?

No! I just wanna pull back
so I don't cut up my hand.

I make my living
with these hands.


Help me,
help me, help me.


- You okay?
- Yes, I'm okay.


- Wait, you hear that?
- Hear what?


There's, like, music happening.

- We should go in there.
- What? No.

What else are we gonna do?
Go back outside?

Okay, okay, okay.
We're just gonna take a peek.

What is...

No, dude.
Shut the fuck up, okay?

I remember this shit
plain as day.

You were the one
that was fucking passed out.

Because I... No.

No, it was me,
it was Boyd Ashley. Ashley.

And I ate that day

'cause I was in a bulking phase.

Who are
all these frat dudes?

It's like
a roofie laboratory in there.

Those must be the photos
that Edie was talking about.

He left one of
the envelopes right there.

- We gotta go get it.
- Don't do it!

All those fuckboys are in there.

I don't exactly know
what that means.

- Did I use it right?
- No, you didn't.

- What are fuckboys?
- I'm not having

this conversation right now
with you. Okay...

No, no, no.

No, it's fine,
they can't hear us.

The music's too loud. Watch.

We need to go in there,

grab one o' those envelopes,

and we figure out
what the fuck is goin' on.

But all the Abercrombie
& Fitch people will see us.

Okay, okay, okay,
we gotta, um...

We gotta come up
with a plan to distract them,

pull them out of there.

I got it! You stay here.

I'll gonna go out,
ring the doorbell.

I'm gonna say,
"Pizza delivery."

Oh, hey, wassup?

Hey, man, it's been a minute.

Who the fuck are you?

- It's her and me!
- Me and him!


From, uh...

Oh, no.

Get him, Jibran!
Fuck him up, Jibran!

- Fuck him up! Fuck him up!
- I'm trying! Stop saying that!

Tell me when
you want me to jump in.

You want me to jump in?

This isn't Ultimate Fighting,
Jibran. You can't tap out.

I got you!

- You're hitting me!
- You're in the way. Move!

Hey, help!

Take that!



Who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck are we?

We're the people
who want some answers, bitch!

The bigger question is,
who the fuck are you?

What are you doing
in my fucking room?

Um... We're here...

Ow! Why would you do that?

Yeah... Why would we do that?

That's what you wanna know.

We're asking the questions.

And the answers to our questions

better be answers.

But the answers
to your questions

are gonna be my fists.


- Ow!
- First of all, motherfucker,

- who do you work for?
- Yeah, motherfucker!

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Don't pee down my back
and tell me it's raining.

- Don't do it. Don't do it.
- We don't like it.

- Nope.
- 'Cause we know you're lying,

and then we have piss
on our backs.

I would never do that.

So tell us what we wanna know.

Yeah. Do you know Bicycle?

Do I know Bicycle?
What does that mean?

- Bicycle! Two wheels?
- Handlebars?

- Sometimes there's a basket.
- And sometimes there's spokes.

Yeah, ET rode one
and flew in it, bitch!

I know what a bicycle is.
Do you mean Tom?

I don't know.
Do we look like a bitch?

Fine. I work for Tom.

Uh, Tom rides a bicycle.

He's like a weird

Is environmentalism weird
or is it absolutely necessary?

I recycle everything!

Yeah. Sometimes
she'll try and recycle

eggshells and banana peels,

and I'll be like,
"That's more compost."

Okay, focus back on me,
little Brett Kavanaugh.

What do you do for Tom?

Uh... Uh...
I'm not supposed to say.

Shut the fuck up and talk,
Chug-A-Lug Chuck!

How am I supposed
to shut the fuck up

and talk at the same time?
That's impossible!

- Figure that shit out!
- Figure it out.

Please, all we do is, we stuff
these envelopes. Okay?

And then we have to deliver them

- to these, like, rich people.
- What rich people?

I don't... I don't know, okay?

Uh, he works
at this, like, uh, club.

And these people are...

These people
are dangerous, okay?

You don't want to fuck
with these people, okay?

Ow! I have been
100% cooperating!

I don't like your tone,
Date Rape McGee.

So tell us where the fuck
this club is.

I don't know.
Because they don't tell us.

They said the less that we know,

the better, okay?

They only contact him
on his phone.

Oh, fuck, Jesus!
Please help, help, please!

Intruders, intruders! Help!

- Oh!
- Hi, Steve.

Please, don't...

We gotta get out of here.

Come on, this way.



Yeah. I took care
of the problem.

Yeah, he's quod mortem.


I understand.


Yeah, I'll make sure
it goes smoothly tonight.

You have nothing
to worry about, okay?

Hang on a second.

Go, go, go, go, go.

I can hear you
better now. Go ahead.

I just saw two people
get murdered.

Until yesterday, I had seen
zero people get murdered.

That could've easily been us.

Oh, my God, there's blood
on my knuckles.

I left my DNA
at the crime scene.

Shit, I left my fingerprints
on Date Rape's face.

And now I feel really bad
for calling him Date Rape.

The police are gonna think
we killed him, too.

They're gonna think
we're, like, serial killers.

We gotta figure this shit out.

Open it. Open it.

What is this?

What is this?

"Dear Mrs. Burrows,
There are many.

We know you are one."

What else? What else?

That-That's it.

This is like The Amazing Race,
but with dead people.


We have to get
into Bicycle's phone.

He said this is how
they contact him.

I'm gonna start guessing
passwords. Important dates.

1-4-9-2. Nope.

- 1-7-7-6. Nope.
- Ugh.

What, are you gonna guess

every impressive date
in history? Stop.

Right. He was a bicycle fan.

What was the year
that Lance Armstrong

won his first Tour de France?

- 1-9...
- Stop, stop, stop.

Okay? You're gonna lock us
out of the phone

and then we're literally
gonna have nothing else.


I know who can get us
into the phone.

- Who?
- Keith.

- Keith?
- He's our IT guy, okay?

-Oh, really?
-And he's a genius
at this type of stuff.

Oh, he's a genius? Wow!

You guys are so lucky
to have a genius

working at your office
as the IT guy.

I'm not trying to hype him up.

But if anybody can do it,
he can do it.

Errol Morris is a genius.
JK Rowling is a genius.

You could even say
Lil Wayne is a genius.

But Keith? Fucking Keith?

What is your deal with him?
Why are you so...

I don't like the way
he looks at you.

He doesn't look at me
like anything.

Well, then...

I don't like the way
you look at him.

Look, do you wanna
get into this phone or not?

'Cause this could be
our only chance.

All right. We're gonna
go in for five minutes,

get the phone unlocked,
and we are leaving.

No, wait.

We can't just go in there

and ask Keith
to hack into a random phone.

'Cause he's really ethical
about this kind of stuff.

Oh, he's really ethical,
but he's okay stealing comedy?

This guy's a real question mark.

Help me come up
with something believable.


Look who finally showed up.

About fucking time! Hey.

Sorry we're so late.

- Oh, hey, Keith is here.
- Hi.

Oh, my God,
this all looks so good.

Oh, Reya, you have
outdone yourself!

Oh, my God!

Did you try this, guys?

Oh, my God, that is to die for!

These are some of the best...
Things we've had.

Whoa, it's so fresh!

So these are red,
there's green ones.

What other pepper colors
do you got?

There's also yellow.

I wasn't asking you, Keith.
I was asking Reya.

Are you guys okay?

- Us?
- So good.

- We're fucking great.
- A-OK. One hundred.

And what the fuck
are you wearing?

What the fuck am I wearing?

What the fuck
are you wearing, dude?


Is that blood on your face?

And it's a big disgrace.

We actually do have some news.


- Jibran, tell them.
- We box now.


We actually just took a class
before we came here.

And Jibran boxed outside
of his weight class.

It was incredible.

I'm what they call a "bleeder"
in the boxing biz.

They actually said I could
never be a professional boxer

because of how much I bleed.

So the reason you were late
was because you were boxing?



Oh, my God,
I have such a good idea!

Do you guys wanna see

a video of Jibran
getting knocked out?

Yeah, definitely.

Pull out
your phone, honey.



I can't remember my passcode
to my phone.

Oh, my God! Do you think that

it's all of the hits
that you took to your head

while boxing?

Is it a new passcode?

No, Keith,
it's not a new passcode!

Good question, though.

Oh, my God!
Do I have a brain... brain...

brain injury?

Call your doctor.

Yeah, I'll call Doctor...

You don't
remember his name!

His name
is in the phone,

but I can't get into the phone,

- so I can't even google it!
- How do...

If only we could unlock
the phone. Oh, no...

- It's okay.
- Huh?

I can get into your phone.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

- I wanna help.
- Okay, let's do it right now!

This thing's a wreck.
You need a new phone, man.

You need a new phone.

- What?
- What?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.


I'm just running
the rainbow tables here,

about halfway through.

I was actually gonna run
a brute-force algorithm,

but this'll be a lot faster.

It'll be faster, yeah.
Good call.

Oh, you know about it?

- Yeah, know all about it.
- Awesome.

'Cause a brute-force
algorithm would brutally force

the rhythm of Al Gore,

uh, while rainbow tables are
sort of more the spectrum of

Roy G. Biv and all that, so...

Roy G. Biv?

Roy Greg Biv.
Discovered rainbows.

And now he takes up boxing.


Jibran and I broke up.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

How is that even possible?
You're like
the best couple ever.


You and Bobby are the perfect
couple. Are you kidding?

Oh, no, Bobby and I
fight all the time.

Yeah, but you guys
have sex constantly.

Like doing all kinds
of freaky shit.

Oh, no.
Why would you think that?

'Cause you post
those hot pictures

- of you and Bobby in bed.
- Oh.

Two of my exes follow me.

I'm just trying
to make them jealous.

Yeah, it's not...

So where'd you learn this
stuff? Like, MIT or something?

Me? Yeah, right.

Nothing like that.
You're the fancy one here.


Yeah, Leilani's told me
all about you.

Sound like
a very impressive guy.

- She talks about me?
- Yeah.

She brags about you
all the time.

Look at that.

We're in.

- Can you do me a favor?
- Yeah, anything.

Ever since Ji and I broke up,
I've been super emotional,

and I have all these dick pics,

and I just need someone

to hold onto them for me
till I'm emotionally ready.

- You printed them out?
- I did.

Just put them... Don't open 'em.

Just put them
in a safe place, okay?

"Senator Burrow"?

Mmm-hmm, that's what I call it.

'Cause he be burrowing
all up in there!


And you said
I get freaky and shit.

Hey! Um...

- So Keith unlocked my phone.
- Great!

Yeah, my doctor's at a party.

He'll see me,
but we have to go right now.

Okay, let's go.

We cannot go
dressed like this, though.

Why not?

Oh, he's at
a fancy benefit, so...

Can we borrow some
nice clothes from you, Rey?

Yeah. Right this way.

Oh. Yeah.

What are you doing?

Turning around
so you can change.

It's not like you haven't
seen this a million times.


- Actually, turn around, yeah.
- A little weird.

Are you ready for this?

But I'm glad we're together.

Me, too.

Listen. If I don't make it,

you could do
a lot worse than Keith.

I would never date
anyone who steals comedy.

You know, I'mma finish
getting dressed outside

so you can get dressed in here.


- Shoes.
- Guess I don't need these.

- Yeah. Trade you.
- Thanks.

See you later, crocodile.


You look great.

Thank you.

- Ready?
- Yeah, ready.

For our doctor's!

Yeah, my doctor's, with the...

- Yeah.
- Have a great night!

Four concussions.

Oh, no.
It's the cops again.

Ma'am, it's a little
quiet in here.

Do you mind turning on
some music or something?

- Yeah. Of course.
- Thank you.

- What?
- This used to be our jam.

This has never
once been our jam.

Do not act like
you don't like this song

like the rest of the world.

I do not like this song
like the rest of the world.

♪ Do you ever feel
Feel so paper thin ♪

♪ Like a house of cards... ♪

I know what you're doing.

Whenever I'm stressed out,
you try and get me

to sing along to songs,
and it never works.

It always works.
You just gotta be open to it.

Don't do this.
Please don't do this.

I'm just not in the mood.

♪ There's a spark in you ♪

Can you just sing in your head?

♪ You just gotta ignite
The light ♪

♪ And let it shine ♪

♪ Just own the night ♪

♪ Like the Fourth of July ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby
You're a firework ♪

♪ Come on, show them
What you're worth ♪

♪ Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh!" ♪

♪ As you shoot across the sky ♪

♪ Baby, you're a firework ♪

♪ Come on,
Let your colors burst ♪



Go ahead.

Oh. Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

What is this place?

I don't know,
but it's fucking creepy.

- That's Edie.
- What if she recognizes us?

Oh, shit.

Why is it so quiet?

Hi, can we, um...


- Sorry. Thank you.
- Excuse me.

- Hi.
- Oh, it's so sharp.

Excuse me. Sorry.


We are one.
We are Sacrarium.

We are many. We are Sacrarium.

- We are many.
- We are one.

We are Sacrarium.

We are one...


Membra Autem Sacrarium.

From the time
of Hermes Trismegistus,

Hermes the Thrice-Blessed...

This is some
Illuminati bullshit.

To build the pyramids

to the Hermetic Order
of the Golden Dawn.

Light the fire
of knowledge.

L'Eggo my Eggo.

Where's the beef?

This unbroken chain of wisdom

shall be handed down
to ten initiates.

The few become
many become one.


Is this Bingo?

I like Bingo.




Did they win?


I don't think
we're supposed to do that.



Where are they going?


Do we want
our names to be called?

I don't know.
I don't think so.

And the final number is...


Let the ceremony begin.

- Oh, no, that's not the vibe.
- Mmm-hmm.

What is happening?

I think they're gonna, um...

Yeah, that's what
I thought was gonna happen.

No, they didn't.

- Uh, yes, they did.
- Yes, they did.

You know, I'm actually
not hating this.

Yeah, you've made your, um,

thoughts on orgies quite clear.

Do you think they're gonna
call more numbers?

- This is spontaneous.
- This is not spontaneous!

I bet all these people had it
on their Google Cal.


Go away!

I love that they actually
respect the word "stop."

There is a traitor

amongst us.

A worker has violated

the most sacred code
of Sacrarium.

And for this,
he has paid a hefty price.

He is quod mortem.

Jibran, my God.

They hired Mustache
to kill Bicycle.

Oh, shit.


We should
get out of here.

I have just learned
that this man's barcode

has been used
to enter Sacrarium tonight.

It's okay.

We have imposters in our ranks.

Oh, no, imposters. That sucks.

We must all reveal
our true faces,

so that this imposter
may be rooted out

and dealt with.

On my count of three,

unmask yourselves.


- Okay, okay, fuck, fuck.
- Are we gonna do it?

Everyone's gonna
take their mask off.


Fuck, fuck,
we have to do it.

If everybody else is doing it.


Oh, fuck.

A true member knows,

you never take off your mask.

Oh, my God,
that's them.

Go! Go get 'em!

- Oh, God.
- We are one.

We are Sacrarium.

Your burnt offerings

shall be made to the gods,

- and it shall replenish them.
- Oh! No! Stop! I'm a bleeder!




What the fuck?

What the fuck?
All the fuck people left.

Are we having the same dream?

- Um...
- Let's go.

- Police!
- Go, go, go, go!

- Oh, my God.
- Go, go, go, go!

- Freeze! Hands in the air!
- Whoa. Whoa.


- Higher!
- This is as high as they go.

Dispatch, that's a 10-95.

They're in custody.
We're on our way back.

Detective Martin
will be here shortly.

It's over. We're done.

I know.

I need to tell you something.


You remember when you

went out of town
for Ben's bachelor party?

You ate all the peanut brittle.



I snuck into your office

and I watched your documentary.

- You did what?
- I know, I'm sorry.

But can I just say that

it was really good.

Why didn't you say something?

Jibran, honestly, sometimes...

I feel like you don't care
what I think.

I care so much
about what you think.

That's why I didn't
wanna show it to you.

I was afraid
you wouldn't like it.

You know, you've had
your life figured out

since the moment we met.

I always felt like you could
do so much better than me.

You know, honestly, I...

I feel like I don't have
anything figured out.

Like, zero.

But I was so obsessed

with what
everybody else thought,

except the one person
that I care about the most.

I just want you to be happy.

I want you to be happy, too.

We'll still be friends,
laying out at the trial.

Oh, no, I took a deal.

- What?
- Nobody told you?

Wait, but I thought
we'd have the same lawyer.

I'm a rat all day.

- It's done?
- Yeah, it's done.

Ah, shit.

I like them. I don't think
they should break up.

Relationships are
a motherfucker.


We've been looking for you
all over this city.

You guys are key witnesses
on a homicide,

and the suspect
is still on the loose.


We've been trying
to track you down all night

to make sure you were safe.

We tried calling your phone
several times.

Wait, I'm sorry.

You don't think
we're the murderers?


There were traffic cameras

that caught the entire pursuit.

- Uh-huh.
- I can't believe this.

We're trying to
ID the individual

who carjacked your vehicle.

We know that he's responsible
for this incident as well as

multiple homicides
at the St. Charles Apartments.

- A bunch of dead frat guys.
- Uh... Okay...

Just to be clear,

we are not suspects
in a murder/homicide.

- You know we didn't do this.
- We didn't do it.

- And you know it.
- Of course you didn't do it.

Why would two civilians

violently murder a man
they've never even met?

Like, why would we...

- It doesn't make sense.
- It doesn't make any sense.

Oh, my God!

That's right.

I promise I have
never killed anyone.

And I promise to never
kill anyone, Scout's honor.

- Never. Never kill anybody.
- Never kill.

Have I thought about killing
people? Like Jibran?

All the time.
But I would never...

- But that's in a normal way!
- No...

She would never act on it.

In the way where I'm like,

"I will kill you,
I will wring your neck!"

But not in the real murder way.

Not physically.

I have rolled through stop signs

almost every day of my life,

but not in a dangerous way.

I used to sell, uh,
my uncle's edibles.

He was always like,
"It's legal in Amsterdam."

He could not point
to Amsterdam on a map, but...

She did not sell them
in Amsterdam.

She did sell them here.

But to help people get high.

Just glaucoma
and things like that.

Yes, mostly.
She did make

some money at a time
when we did need some money.

We needed to pay some bills.
Wait, I'm sorry.

So, did you guys catch
the... the cult people?

The cult in
the theater with the people

with the masks
and everybody was... sex.

The lucky people had sex.

They would go
on the round bed...

There was music.

- Yeah, they were having sex.
- In a very public place.

Some people
were putting in work.

There was a big round bed.

Some people got right to it.

They were... I will agree
they were putting in work.

we saw all of that.

And let me tell you, sis,
it was a sight.

That's super helpful,

but we know all about Sacrarium.

We've been tracking them
for months,

and the raid tonight
was supposed to

shut them down for good,

but somebody tipped them off
that we were coming.


you guys witnessed
some horrific things.

Eventually, we're gonna
need your statements,

but I really think that you two

would benefit from some sleep.

So why don't you come back
first thing in the morning

and we'll get
your statements then.

One of our guys out back
will take you home.

And we'll keep an eye
on your place

to make sure you're safe until
the suspect is apprehended.

Thank you so much.

This has been a good experience.

- I hope so.
- Thank you for everything.

Is there a comment card?
'Cause I'm doing five.

Fives down the line.

Yeah, I would love
to just... Okay?

So, that's it?

We just go back
to our normal lives?

Like nothing happened?

I guess so.


I could sleep
on the couch tonight.

Oh, no, no, no. We can...
We can trade off.

No, you should have the bed.

This is crazy.
I know we didn't, like,

solve the crime or whatever,

but we got really close.

I'm proud of us.

Hey, not bad
for a couple rookies.

You know, the one thing
I can't figure out is,

who called the cops?

I did.

Remember me?

How did you get in this car?

I told you I was a cop.

I've been on the force
for about 13 years.

I'm actually kind of
a big deal over there.

And you're a member
of the sex cult, too?

Nah, they pay me

to keep 'em safe
from the police.

Wait, so you were protecting
the sex cult

and also blackmailing
its members?

As a matter of fact, I was.

Do you know how much
this fucking city pays me?

I put my life on the line
every single day

and the government
tosses pennies at me.

But you know what is fucked up?

That guy on the bicycle?

The one I ran over
several times with your car?

- I remember. You remember?
- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, we remember.

That was my friend.

Me and him, we come up with
the blackmail-the-cult scheme.

But he got too greedy.
Stopped giving me my full cut.

And then, against
my better judgment,

he brought those
ignorant frat boys onboard.

Sir, if I may,
we don't know anything,

and we have terrible memories.

So please just let us go,
you can trust us.

Lady, I don't trust anyone.
Here's a little tip:

The world is out to get you.

The only one who's got your back

is you.

- You're wrong.
- That's not true.

I trusted someone. One person.


I will never trust anyone again.


You come into this world alone

and you leave this world alone.

Which is what you two
are about to find out.


I'm sorry
I have to kill you guys.

You seem like a nice, though
somewhat annoying couple.

But if it makes you feel
any better,

I will get over it.

You don't have to do this, okay?

You're not a killer,
you're a good person.

- I can see it in your eyes.
- Your eyes are so kind.

They're luminous.

Do you know how many people
I have killed today?

Uh... I would say
you've killed, like,

exactly the right number
of people.

I wouldn't add to it,

'cause right now,
the number of people

you've killed is impressive,
but not, like, worrying.

Also, you killed a guy
on a bicycle

and a bunch of frat boys.

Who's kidding who?

You're practically a folk hero.

That was a rhetorical question.

Never too late to change.

Maybe if you do,
you can find a new Siobhan.

Did I say that you could talk
about Siobhan?

I thought you were sharing
and thought

it was an open invitation,
but I wasn't...

Siobhan is clearly a tramp.

You, too!

Take her name out of your mouth!

I will never say
the name Siobhaaa again.

She's dead to me.
I don't even...

She sucks.

Shut up.

He clearly isn't over Siobhan.

Turn around. Put your hands
behind your back.

You lay a hand on her
and I'll kick your ass, dude.

- Turn around.
- Yes, sir.

They have traffic cam footage
of you, man.

You're so fucked.

Nah, I saw it.

It's very grainy.

It's like, uh, Bigfoot footage.

Jibran, we can't just sit here
waiting to be killed, okay?

- We need to do something.
- Okay.

- Help me figure something out.
- Okay, okay.

Um... Here,
uh, loosen my ties.

- Can you do it?
- I can barely reach it.

it's just getting tighter. Ow.

I'm sorry. Okay, try me.

- Is it working?
- No. Oh, fuck!

I'm gonna try
kicking this.

Oh, shit.

I wish I was
wearing your date shoes.

Jibran, the lighter!
The cigarette lighter!

That's what's it there for!
Go, go.

Yeah, you can do it.

Okay, that's kind of hot.

Does he see us?

My God,
he's laying down plastic.

Oh, shit, shit.

- Has it popped out yet?
- No.

- What about now?
- Okay. Okay.

Come on. Hurry up.

Get it, get it, get it.
Get it, get it, get it.

- Close your eyes.
- Come on, come on.

Get the plastic, not my hands!

Drop it, drop it.
Ow! Ahh!

- I had it in my mouth, okay?
- Yeah, but you didn't have

- the hot end in your mouth.
- Hurry up!

Hold, up, hold up,
he's looking at us.

He's looking at us. Hold on.

Okay, put it back.
Put it back. Put it back.

Out of the car.

They're gonna get you.
They know you drove us.

No, they're
not gonna suspect me.

When I drove you guys
to your apartment,

the real killer
jumped out of the bushes

and hit me over the head!

When I woke up, there I was,

tied up in the back
of my own squad car

with you guys
here at the marina.

Watch your step.

And then the killer made us
get on the boat.

That's right. All three of us.

And you remember
what happened next.

He made us all kneel down.
Go ahead.

I jumped up
and tried to save you guys.

And in the scuffle, I was shot.

I wasn't mortally wounded,
but I had to watch in horror

as the masked killer

executed you both with my gun.

let's get this over with.






Hey, Mustache.

Okay, okay.

Oh, fuck.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- Oh, shit.

Go ahead. Shoot me.

Right here in the shoulder
would be good.

That way I don't
have to shoot myself.

Drop the gun
or I'll break his neck.

You can't break his neck.
It-It-It's too thick.

I'll just twist until
something bad happens.

From where I'm sitting,

he's super convincing.

He can't hurt you.

I bet he can do it quite easily.

- Drop it.
- Leilani, listen to him.

Put the gun down.

You don't have a shot.

- Just put it down.
- I do have a shot.

Why are you arguing with me
about this?

Because you think
you're always right,

and you're wrong
about this, okay?

I'm supposed to listen
to someone who's never

held a gun before,
and I'm the know-it-all?

- You refuse to take risks!
- Guys...

This is a prime example.

- You're the reason we're here!
- Guys...

- This is your fault!
- Guys!

Do you really wanna do this
right now?

Oh, my God.
I wanted to go to the police!

You were driving the car!

I got kicked by a horse for you!

- Oh, my God.
- You just ran from

- a dead body and left me.
- You guys are so annoying.

I am alone in this relationship.

You watched my movie
without asking me!

Nobody cares about your shit.

Stop! You sound like
my parents!

Understand what I'm doing
for once!

Be with me on something!

- One, two, three!
- Go!


- Jibran, are you okay?
- Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

Thanks to you guys,

we have the suspect
in custody. You're safe now.

Sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. Are you?


You know, I knew
you were gonna do that

"one, two, three" thing,
even though it didn't work

any other time.

- You did everything.
- No, it was equal.

- You did.
- It was equal!

- You shot him!
- I know. Don't...

- That was amazing.
- I would rather forget that.

Don't ever shoot anyone
ever again.

I will never shoot anyone
ever again.

- What?
- I didn't say anything.

I know that face.

What face?

It's the
"I wanna kiss you" face.

- No, no. No, I don't...
- Yes, it is.

- I don't wanna kiss you.
- Oh.

I don't, so...
You're very arrogant. Gross.

Oh, gross?

Wow, you wanna kiss me so bad,

like, with tongue
and everything. I can tell.

You are projecting.

- Oh, okay.
- I think you wanna kiss me.

- I wanna kiss you?
- You wanna kiss me.

And you're, like,
doing this now.

Doing what? What am I doing?

Sorry to interrupt, lovebirds.

I gotta take you
to the hospital,

have them check you out.
It's protocol.

Back-of-the-ambulance sex
is pretty freaky, right?

- I am so down.
- All right, let's go.

Are you gonna
try that move

we saw in the orgy?

Oh, I'm gonna
put in some work!

you don't sound right.

That's my line.

-Run, Leilani!
- Jibran, I'm running.

Holy shit, holy shit!

They're right behind us!

Let me lead. Let me get
in front, slow down!

- Run, run, run!
- Jibran, I'm running.

Don't tell me to run
when I'm already running!

Oh, my God, they're
right there! We're so fucked!

This is London, England.

Jibran and Leilani
lost valuable time

after a heated argument
about the metric system.

With only two legs remaining,

do they have what it takes
to win the $1 million prize?

We're actually doing it, Jibran!

I told you we could win
The Amazing Race.

Okay. "For over 50 years,

enthusiasts have gathered at
Hyde Park to commemorate..."

- Uh-oh.
- What?